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“I’ve got our next target,” Boss Rong said, one morning when everyone had gathered to grub for breakfast.
“It’s called Puqi Village. Not rich, but we’re hitting them right after harvest, so there should be something. Anyway, they’re just a bunch of dumb farmers, so they won’t fight back.”
They walked most of the day to get there, Li Wei’s stomach rumbling the whole time because as the youngest and newest, he didn’t get the first— or even the tenth— pick of food. No one had much to say until they were actually looking down on Puqi Village. Xiao Chuo, the only woman in their band, looked down on the fields and shivered. “No,” she said. “No way. This is folly.”
“What are you fucking talking about?” Boss Rong said. “It’s just a bunch of farmers.”
Xiao Chuo shook her head. “I won’t mess with this place. Count me out.”
And she really turned and left.
“What the fuck?” said… pretty much everyone.
Old Hu spat. “Should have never had a woman in a gang of thieves,” he grumbled. “I told you. Women can’t be trusted.”
“Ah, Old Hu,” said Boss Rong. “Women are fickle and emotional.”
There was no one, Li Wei thought, he would have trusted to be steady more than Xiao Chuo. He looked around. Most of the rest seemed to be doubtful, but were trying to hide it.
Li Wei wouldn’t have joined the Rong Gang if he’d had any other options, so he said nothing, just shut up and followed everyone into the valley.
They had a method for robbing a village: some of their band, heavily armed, would block off the roads, and the rest would go shake down whoever passed for a village leader.
Li Wei ended up going with Boss Rong and a few others to hunt down the village head. He looked at them, and their weapons, rather placidly. “We have nothing of value,” he said.
“You just finished the harvest, you have something,” Boss Rong snapped, his voice like punches. “Give it to us or we start executing your villagers.”
“Our greatest treasure is in our shrine,” the man’s wife said. She also seemed…less worried than usual. “It’s just on top of the hill, over there,” she pointed. “You’ll want to speak with the daozhang who runs the shrine.”
“You want me to believe all your valuables go to the shrine?” Boss Rong sneered.
“We’re very devout,” she said, with a small smile. It looked friendly, and not threatening, and she was missing some teeth, but Li Wei started to think Xiao Chuo had had the right idea. Something here wasn’t right.
“Boss… I think it’s a trap,” he whispered as they left the headman’s house.
Boss Rong snorted. “If it is, so what? This is the Rong Gang! Who can defeat us?”
Probably any half-trained cultivator, Li Wei thought. Or a slightly larger outlaw gang.
For a village that claimed to give all their wealth to their shrine, the shrine really wasn’t anything to look at. It didn’t have a proper gate, or any guardian statues. It wasn’t even painted.
“What the hell is this?” Old Hu muttered, kicking at a sign asking for donations for repairs.
“Well… let’s go see it. If it’s some kind of trick, we’ll burn the village,” Boss Rong said.
Pretending to be reassured, everyone walked into the yard and up to the temple. It did have a sturdy door, but it had been left open.
“Hello!” a cheerful voice called. “Please, come in!”
It made sense, Li Wei told himself, because it’s not like the shrine attendant or whatever knew they were robbers. And he was looking for donations, so he probably wanted as many people as possible to come in…
Boss Rong pushed through the door, and they all followed him.
The shrine wasn’t much better inside. There certainly wasn’t any visible gold or silver. There wasn’t even a statue. There was a painting above the altar, and it was beautiful enough it might be worth something, but none of them really knew anything about how to handle that. Everything on the altar looked like plain pottery. The bowl for incense had a crack in it. He was pretty sure the other vessel was a pickle jar.
“What is this?” Boss Rong demanded.
“This is Puqi Shrine!” The man— the daozhang— smiled at them. He was wearing plain white cultivator robes, and they didn’t even look expensive. He did have what looked like a silver hairpin in his hair, and they could get some money for it, but not enough to feed everyone.
“Have you come to pray? Or… make a donation?” the daozhang asked hopefully.
Li Wei felt a little bad for him. Boss Rong was not looking happy, and the more he looked around the mostly-empty shrine, the darker his face was getting.
“We’re here,” Boss Rong growled, stepping forward, “because the village elders told us their greatest treasure was in their shrine.”
The daozhang… blushed. “Did they really? That’s so… that’s really so…”
“So where is it?” Boss Rong growled.
The daozhang blinked at him. His smile did not falter.
Li Wei was starting to wonder if the man was a bit simple. He’d really feel bad for him, then. He tried to clear his throat. “Boss,” he tried, “I don’t think…”
Li Wei was ignored, because of course he was. “I’m Boss Rong of the Boss Rong gang,” Boss Rong said, and waited. This was only ever about 40% effective, but he seemed to think it should work all the time.
It was obviously not going to work this time.
“Okay,” said the daozhang. “What can I help you with, Boss Rong and the Boss Rong gang?”
If Li Wei hadn’t already decided the daozhang was a bit off his rocker, he’d think there was a subtle layer of sarcasm in there.
“We’re looking for treasure,” Boss Rong wasn’t usually so patient, so Li Wei figured he was pretty well thrown off by all this, too.
“Hmm,” said the daozhang. “Well, I was making Four-Fold Treasure Rice and Imperial Nightingale Song Soup. For dinner,” he clarified gently, in response to whatever everyone’s face was doing.
“One moment,” Boss Rong said. He turned around and everyone gathered around.
“He’s playing us,” Old Hu said immediately. “He’s probably got treasure stashed all around.”
Li Wei looked at the shrine, which looked like it was about to fall apart around them. “I don’t think—”
“New kid, shut up, or you’ll get a kick up the backside,” Boss Rong said. Li Wei shut his mouth.
“If it’s a trick, we play it out,” Boss Rong decided. “If he messes us around much more, we jump him, cut his throat, and toss the place. Then we burn the village, and teach these idiots a lesson.”
There were general sounds of agreement, although Li Wei just stood silently. He should have left with Xiao Chuo.
“All right, daozhang,” Boss Rong turned to him and tried to smile. “Let’s see what you’re cooking.”
“Oh, of course you’re welcome to stay,” the daozhang said. “Only—” The daozhang bit his lip. “Only— my husband will be home soon.”
No one knew how to react to that.
“So?” Boss Rong said.
The daozhang smiled again and shrugged. “If you’re sure.”
The daozhang went back out to the kitchen to check on his Four-Fold Treasure whatever, and Old Hu, suspicious, followed him.
Boss Rong immediately started searching the place with the others, and Li Wei half-heartedly followed along. The back room was even more bare than the front room, which at least had the altar. The back room seemed to only contain one sleeping mat, neatly rolled-up. And…
“Ah ha!” Boss Rong crowed, and lunged for the bulging sack placed in the corner. “I knew it! He had it hidden back here in this…”
Boss Rong’s face changed as he went through the sack, and then he stood and dumped out all the contents on the floor.
Even a quick glance showed that everything in it was…junk. It might as well have been a bag of trash.
“What kind of bullshit is this?” Boss Rong yelled.
“Gege!”
The call came from outside, and everyone piled into the main room in time to watch a red-clad youth step through the door. Was this the husband the daozhang had mentioned? He barely looked older than Li Wei, if that.
The boy’s eyes took them in in a swoop, and then he turned to the daozhang, who came hurrying in. “San Lang! You’re home!”
They… beamed at each other. There was no other way to describe it. If the daozhang had smiled nicely before, he glowed now. “San Lang, look, there are visitors. For dinner.”
“For dinner?” The youth… husband?… raised an eyebrow, a strange smile on his face.
“Yes! Isn’t that nice?”
“If Gege says so.” When you thought about it, that wasn’t a terribly polite reply. On the other hand, the boy…youth…whatever, was dressed in expensive-looking robes and had silver jewelry around his neck. He was the first thing in this entire village that looked like it would be worth something.
Li Wei could practically feel Boss Rong salivating next to him, but Li Wei couldn’t help feeling less enthusiastic. The boy was handsome and well-dressed, and obviously had money, and when Li Wei looked at the boy straight on, the hair on the back of his neck stood up.
“Gege,” the youth cooed, “is it dinner time soon?”
“Whenever San Lang wants!” the daozhang answered brightly.
“Could we eat now, Gege?” the youth said, fluttering his eyelashes. It was enough to give everyone chills. “I’m sooooo hungry.”
“Of course, San Lang! I’ll be right back!” And the daozhang ran off to the kitchen.
With the daozhang gone, the smile dropped off the boy’s face. He suddenly looked much older. When Li Wei met his eyes, all the hair on his arms stood on end. Something in the back of his mind was blaring that this was a real predator, and they didn’t have a chance against him.
“So,” the youth…man?… purred, sounding disconcertingly like a tiger, if Li Wei had ever heard a tiger. “What do you fuck heads think you’re doing?”
If anyone had ever called Boss Rong a fuck head to his face, it had been a long time ago. His face turned dark and he snarled. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m the husband of the shrine owner. Who the fuck do you think you are?”
“I’m Boss Rong, and this is the Boss Rong gang.”
“So?”
“So we’re here to collect your treasure.”
“Hmm. You came to Puqi shrine for… treasure.” The man in red did not seem very worried about that. Instead, he seemed bored with them, and walked over to poke at the fire. “Gege, should I make tea?” he called.
“Yes, please!” came the answer.
So Boss Rong and Li Wei and every one else just stood around as the man lounged at ease and poked at the fire before hanging a kettle above it to boil.
“If you want to live, you can leave now,” the man said, so casually that it took a while for the meaning of his words to get through.
“You really think a scrap like you can beat all of us?” Boss Rong sneered.
The man huffed— it might have been a laugh— and did not bother to otherwise respond.
Li Wei wondered, if he just walked out the door now, what would happen. On the other hand, some part of him… really wanted to see what would happen next.
“Dinner is ready!” The daozhang walked back in, arms full of dishes. His… husband immediately jumped up to help him, carefully arranging the dishes on the table as the daozhang directed. The red man, who had seemed so terrifying a moment before, now seemed only obedient and domestic.
But the real problem… “What is that smell?” Boss Rong shouted, coughing.
The real problem was the smell coming from the dishes the daozhang had prepared. They were just as terrifying to look at. Surely no one would be expected to eat that?
“Well,” the daozhang gave an embarrassed smile. “My cooking… often turns out this way.”
“Gege, don’t listen to this idiot trash. Your cooking is my favorite.”
The daozhang melted like spun sugar in the sun. “I know, San Lang. Thank you.” They leaned into each other and suddenly they were kissing. Li Wei looked away immediately, face heating.
So he saw Boss Rong take the knife out of his pocket, saw him raise it, and turned his head to follow what happened—
And then the daozhang was holding the knife. Li Wei hadn’t seen him move. The daozhang hadn’t even appeared to turn away from his lover.
And his inner thoughts went from We fucked up to Oh no, we REALLY fucked up.
The pleasant smile was still on the daozhang’s face.
“Now,” purred the definitely-not-a-young-man. He pressed a kiss into the daozhang’s hair. “That wasn’t very nice, after Gege made such a nice meal for everyone.”
His smile promised things like ripping out your bones while you were still alive. His smile promised that he was good at things like ripping out your bones while you were still alive.
Even Boss Rong had gone pale. Either he’d finally read the room, or the daozhang’s knife-snatching trick had clued him in that they were not dealing with anybody ordinary.
Li Wei couldn’t believe he’d thought the daozhang was simple. Of course he wasn’t afraid of them, any more than Boss Rong would be afraid of a blade of grass. (The villagers below must be laughing. It had been a trap, and they’d fed them straight to the tiger’s den. No wonder they hadn’t been afraid.)
The rest of the gang had backed up against the far wall. Everyone seemed to be eyeing the door, but was too afraid to try to run.
“You’re right!” Li Wei said. His voice came out much too high. “Daozhang, I apologize on behalf of the others.” Li Wei did his best to do a fancy bow, as he’d seen cultivators do when they greeted each other. “We’ve abused your hospitality. Of course this lowly one would be…” he gulped, “delighted to try daozhang’s cooking.”
The daozhang lit up and smiled at him. “Of course you’re still welcome! There’s plenty for everyone!” The knife had disappeared somewhere. Li Wei wasn’t sure he wanted to know.
Li Wei ignored the smirk on the husband’s face as he stepped up to the table. Wasn’t there supposed to be rice? He scanned the dishes frantically, looking for anything that looked like rice, but he couldn’t recognize anything.
“There was, uh, rice, right? The treasure..?”
“Oh!” the daozhang said happily. “Yes! The Four-fold Imperial Treasure Rice! It’s this one!” He happily pointed at something that… still did not look like it had rice in it.
“I’ve never seen food that color,” Old Hu whispered loudly from the back, which was helpful to no one.
“I…” Li Wei looked up and met the gaze of the… demonic cultivator? Whatever the man in red was. “…Will try that one first,” he finished weakly.
Looking a little anxious, the daozhang handed Li Wei a pair of chopsticks.
Li Wei put them in and grabbed a lump at random. He could feel far too many pairs of eyes on him. He carried the sticky lump to his lips and put it in his mouth.
When Li Wei came around, he was lying on the floor. Someone had at least put him on his back, so he wasn’t just lying where he’d dropped.
There was a truly frightful taste in his mouth; it was enough to make him want to cut his own tongue out.
He wasn’t alone— he could hear the soft movements of cloth and the clink of chopsticks against pottery.
“Is there more, Gege?” a perfectly sweet and coaxing voice said.
“There’s a little bit left, yes San Lang.”
“Unless you think we should save some for our guests.” The voice was no longer cute and sweet.
There were frantic muffled noises.
“San Lang, don’t be naughty.”
“Gege, they came to rob you.”
“And I haven’t got anything to rob, so no harm done.”
There was a pointed “Hmpf.”
Li Wei had a splitting headache in addition to the nausea roiling in his gut, but somehow he had survived tasting… whatever that thing was.
He slightly rolled his head away from the dining couple and toward where he thought the muffled noises had come from. Squinting his eyes open, Li Wei found Boss Rong and everyone else he’d brought tied up by some kind of white cloth.
They were wrapped up very securely, legs and arms and mouths— not that Li Wei had any ideas about sneaking off and untying them. He had no chance.
That didn’t seem to make a difference to Boss Rong, who sent him urgent looks with his eyes.
“Look Gege, he’s awake.”
“I’m glad you’re okay,” the daozhang called. He even sounded like he meant it.
Li Wei had never felt so ill in his life, but he managed to roll over and face the cultivators.
The daozhang was sitting practically in his husband’s lap. Li Wei almost blushed, but the sight of the wicked, evil-looking saber that lay across the daozhang’s lap as he polished it tenderly made the blood drain from Li Wei’s face instead.
Something about that weapon triggered a memory. Something about a red and white pair of gods… only wasn’t one of them a Supreme Ghost King? And the white god was some kind of Scrap Immortal?
Li Wei thought about the bag of trash in the other room, and his stomach plummeted.
Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no oh no…
And wasn’t the joke about the Scrap Immortal that he was actually the most powerful god in the Heavens?
Li Wei, energized by panic, crawled over and kowtowed in front of the couple, knocking his head against the floor, over and over.
“We’re sorry, we’re sorry,” he babbled. “Please forgive us.”
He chanced a look up and, unfortunately, neither of them looked pleased.
“Please don’t,” sighed the Scrap Immortal. “That sort of display really isn’t necessary.”
“Please, Heavenly Scrap Immortal, Supreme Ghost King, let them go. I know they’ve offended you and they’re really dumb, but I promise we’ll leave and never return here. And, uh, change our ways! And stop robbing! And , uh…”
The Scrap Immortal sighed. The Ghost King scoffed.
“San Lang,” the Scrap Immortal turned his sweet face to the Ghost King, “would you please go do the dishes?”
He pouted immediately. “Gege… wouldn’t you rather have me take out the trash?”
“It’s all right, San Lang. I’ll handle this.”
With some grumbling— during which Li Wei felt like he was holding his breath, Calamity, Calamity, ringing in his head— the Ghost King gently moved the god off his side and gathered the dishes to take them out to the kitchen.
He was…really going to do the dishes?
The Scrap Immortal had kept the saber, however, and he idly stroked it as it lay in his lap.
Li Wei saw that what he had taken for a red jewel in the pommel was actually some kind of magic red eye. It had apparently been gazing up at the god as he polished the saber before, but now it rolled to glare at Li Wei, and he quickly recoiled.
“Don’t rob poor villages anymore,” the Scrap Immortal said. Li Wei understood it was an order, and it wasn’t until later that he noticed there was a qualifier.
“Ruoye, come back.” Li Wei barely had time to wonder what that was supposed to mean before the white band whipped away from his tied-up companions.
The white fabric for some reason made a loop in front of the saber, hovering in the air like some kind of flying serpent. What the hell was this thing?
“Ruoye, stop teasing E-ming,” the Scrap Immortal said, gently but firmly. The band slid into his sleeve and disappeared. The Scrap Immortal patted his wrist and then the saber, which was shaking in his lap. “Calm down, you can play later.”
Only now did Li Wei dare to look behind himself. Boss Rong and the others were sprawled across the floor. He had never seen them so quiet.
The Scrap Immortal stood up. He carried the saber gently in his hand, and it was pointing down, but it was still the scariest thing Li Wei had ever seen.
“You can leave now,” the god said.
The Boss Rong Gang wasn’t so stupid that they didn’t all bow to the ground before a god showing them mercy. “Your Holiness, we’ll be sure to light lots of incense for you!” Boss Rong shouted.
The others agreed eagerly. “Lots of offerings!”
The Scrap Immortal sighed again. “It doesn’t matter. Just go. And remember what I said: leave the poor people alone.”
Li Wei knocked his head on the floor again at the god’s feet and then scrambled to his feet. It was the first time he’d stood up since eating the god’s food, and he almost didn’t make it.
He would have collapsed but Old Hu sprang forward to grab him. He hauled one of Li Wei’s arms over his shoulders. “Let’s go, let’s go! Good bye, God Daozhang! Let’s go!”
The fresh air helped to revive him, although Li Wei still didn’t think he would be capable of eating anything for a couple days.
“What the fuck,” Boss Rong was whispering as they ran away, “what the fuck just happened…?”
No one had any breath to spare until they hit the patrol they’d stationed just outside of town.
The two men were roasting some kind of fowl. “Did you pay for that?” Boss Rong shrieked.
The men were so startled they fell over backwards. “Uh, no…”
“Go back and pay for it right now!” shouted most everyone who had been in the shrine.
“We hunted it!”
Boss Rong turned to Li Wei, frantically. “Is that okay? Should we leave an offering?”
“We probably should have left an offering before we left,” Li Wei admitted weakly.
No one wanted to go back, however, not even to collect the men at the other end of town.
“We’ll circle around,” Boss Rong decided. “They can meet us or not.”
Eventually, they found Xiao Chuo in an inn several towns over, drinking her way through the inn’s supply. She took one look at them and snorted. “I was right, wasn’t I?”
In the morning, Li Wei slipped away with Xiao Chuo while everyone else was still sleeping it off. He’d had to beg and promise to work for free on six months’ probation, but he wasn’t risking offending any gods or ghosts again.