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6 Types of Human Shoes You Need to Know
Though my experiences in the human workforce have been decidedly mixed, they have provided me a fascinating opportunity to observe the minutiae of Earth’s inhabitants. Superpowered individuals are not uncommon, but the majority of the humans I interact with do not often discuss or use these powers, at least in the public spaces I’ve been able to watch. My current theory is that it’s impolite in human society to use such abilities in some contexts.
It’s a bit disappointing to not have yet figured out this aspect of human culture, but the mundanity that is generally agreed on in public provides its own opportunities. For example, I have discovered that while some humans use one pair of shoes for a long time, others buy new ones as often as once every Lunar Cycle. This isn’t always practical. Some humans frequently acquire new shoes simply because they enjoy them. This quirk may not seem sensible, but through the six kinds of shoes these humans like to buy, I’ve learned a lot about them.
#1: Trainers
Humans often use these kinds of shoes for athletic activities such as running or kicking orbs into nets, a game which they have aptly named “football.” However, the human I have interacted with who is most passionate about shoes seems to find these quite boring. The first time they came into the shoe shop was for a pair of trainers, and on that occasion they followed the usual human routine of looking around, taking off their current shoes, and putting pairs from the shop on to walk around in (my human boss informed me this behavior is not a sign of intent to “shoplift,” a practice many human businesses seem concerned about, but rather a way to test whether the shoes are the correct size and comfortable).
I did not learn of their enthusiasm for shoes until the next time they came back, leading me to believe that for humans, trainers are the second-most-boring shoes (more on that later.) However, these seem to be the most likely kinds of shoes to get lost or damaged, as some humans come to replace them far more often than the material composition would suggest is necessary.
#2: Welly Boots
I’m told many parts of Earth are extremely dry, but the city of Chapter is not one of those places. Humans seem to have a particular dislike of their feet being wet, especially when they are wearing “socks” a garment like a smaller cloth shoe to wear underneath the actual shoes for reasons that are still unclear to me. This dislike is so strong they have invented a specific kind of shoe to prevent it. Welly boots are a kind of tall, completely waterproof shoe that humans wear when it has been raining.
Human shoe enthusiasts may also use them for purely ornamental purposes– a frequent customer told me on a sunny day that they needed them for an outfit they were putting together.
#3: Dress Shoes
These shoes have a lot of potential. Who doesn’t love to be fancy? This is shared between humans and Specians. However, in practice, these shoes are terrible. I tried some on, and they were extremely stiff and uncomfortable, not to mention much too large, despite being marked as size 5 like most of my human shoes.
I complained about this to a friendly human customer as they came in to replace another pair of trainers. They were sympathetic, but seemed confused when I showed them the box. Apparently human shoes come in two different kinds of sizes, and these shoes were a men’s size five. I tried on the closest thing I could find in women’s, though, and they were still terrible. Apparently their function is to make humans with fancy jobs look more respectable, which makes them not only terrible but also incredibly boring.
#4: High Heels
My discovery about the two different kinds of sizes led me into another bizarre aspect of human culture– specifically, that only certain genders are supposed to wear certain kinds of shoes. This did explain why all the women’s work shoes were different from the men’s, but the differences don’t end there. One kind of shoe, only for women, is a fancy shoe, often with sparkly decorations, with a raised heel, making the wearer walk on tiptoes. These heels range from 3 klebs to 8 klebs high, and are more difficult to walk in the higher they are.
I asked a human friend and shoe enthusiast about the impracticality while we were out shopping, and they said something about “gender roles” and “binary” and “bullshit.” I have not yet figured out exactly what these phrases mean, but from their tone it was clear my friend meant them as derogatory terms.
My friend was pretty good at walking in these shoes, but I would have twisted my ankle within seconds if I hadn’t floated myself back upright. Though they are much less boring than dress shoes, high heels are terrible, and it’s baffling why they are so common given humans seem to agree with me.
#5:Combat Boots
When my human friend and customer first asked if we had combat boots, I was a bit alarmed. I asked them if they were in trouble, or there was a human war I hadn’t heard about. They laughed and said they just needed them for a “cosplay.” This is another human term I will report further on once I gather more information.
These boots do appear to be somewhat militaristic, and like Welly Boots, they’re tall enough to cover part of the lower leg. They seem to be generally meant for everyday wear, however. Plenty of humans wear the style, with no apparent correlation to military status. Much like Flare Sleeves on Speckmarkalon, the name appears to illustrate a point of origin, but not to be taken literally.
#6: Sandals
Perhaps the strangest variety of human shoes, sandals consist solely of the bottom of the shoe, held against the foot by straps which range in number and security, leaving much of the top and side of the foot bare. Humans seem to favor them in hot weather, and they do technically fulfill the basic purpose of a shoe by protecting the bottoms of the feet. Some humans purchase them specifically for vacations to coastlines, as many are waterproof and apparently they don’t get sand in them like other shoes.
Sandals appear to have some sort of historical significance as well. A human friend asked whether I would be participating in a human holiday involving disguises, and told me they were purchasing their sandals to impersonate an ancient Earthen mythological figure. It makes sense that early humans, being unable to float, would need to develop easy ways to protect their feet at all times. I still find sandals to be an inefficient tool for that purpose, though.
Looking at the little planet through a telescope, you would never dream that Earth would have such variety and interest in something so simple as foot coverings. Even when I first arrived, before getting a job in a shoe shop and befriending shoe enthusiasts, I didn’t think to pay attention to them.
But learning about such a small part of human culture has led me to a much greater appreciation of them. The creativity humans show, even in the most mundane aspects of their lives, is inspiring. Even the impracticality of some of these shoes has a certain charm. And the passion that some humans, like those who enjoy shoes, have is wonderful to see and be around. Human shoes, strange as they may be, can be fantastically interesting– not because of what they are, but because of what humans make them.