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There were certain things a hero had to get used to when traveling the world. When nature called, whether it was in the depth of the Lost Woods, the steep mountain ranges of the Gerudo Highlands, or on a sailboat in the middle of the ocean, a hero only had one option:
Peeing outside.
There was no way around it. With regular lavatories being sparse and no time to take detours when the next dungeon lurked right around the corner, taking care of business in the wilderness was practical, logical and sometimes inevitable. It wasn’t a difficult task by any means as long as one took enough care to not do it with people around and check the wind direction as well as the presence of enemies who might strike a reckless traveler in a state of vulnerability. Those were pretty much the only things worth worrying about. The rest was easy.
Easy.
So easy.
Link furrowed his brows so hard it probably left lasting wrinkles on his forehead as he stared down the bush in front of him. His pants were lowered a few inches past his hip bones, the ends of his tunic pulled aside so they wouldn’t get in the way of the stream he hoped would emerge in the next few seconds. Why wasn’t it coming? He frowned harder, frustration and confusion mixing with fear. With how terribly full his bladder was after drinking one too many potions, letting go should’ve been a natural reaction to the sensation of cool air on his exposed privates. He shouldn’t have to try to relax. That wasn’t the point. He should’ve been spraying down that bush and the grass in front of it without moving a muscle because that was how it usually went whenever he waited too long to take a much-needed nature break.
So why couldn’t he do it?
He shifted on his feet, feeling all kinds of foolish as a whimper escaped his throat. There weren’t any people around so at least no one could question his cryptic behavior, but that didn’t offer him much comfort. Worse, the sound of crashing waves reminded him of the beach nearby and really, the noises of that should’ve triggered his body to open the floodgates. Yet, all they did now was cause his bladder to throb while his sphincter remained sealed.
Why was that happening? Against his calm nature and confidence built up by his many adventures, Link broke out into a cold sweat, fingers twisting around the hem of his tunic. Was he sick? Did he need medical help? He shuddered at the idea of drinking yet another potion and reflexively rubbed his thighs together before remembering that he was not holding it in on purpose.
Maybe it was a mental thing, he wondered, hoping that that was the case and he just had to think of the right things- or stop thinking of the wrong things? It didn’t make sense to him either way because relieving himself shouldn’t be that complicated, but he was starting to get desperate.
While he was ruminating hard enough to give himself a headache, a rustling noise captured his attention, quiet but audible due to his above-average hearing. Without bothering with his pants, Link reached behind his back to pull his sword out of its sheath. Two swift strikes later, the octorok that had crept up on him sank to the ground and died on the spot without as much as a peep. He had killed so many of those things in Hyrule and on every island he’d visited that they barely made him flinch anymore. With a sword, they were ridiculously easy to defeat, and even without one, he could at least use his shield to defend himself against their attacks.
It hadn’t always been like that, Link thought with something akin to a childhood flashback. At a younger age, he had been much more helpless against the many dangerous creatures that roamed his home country. More than once he had been too skittish to relieve himself outside if he feared being jumped at midstream, which was not only scary but embarrassing if the attack ended not in an injury, but urine-soaked pants. Since the latter had happened to him once, he had started to avoid certain areas when it came to choosing a place to do his business.
That was it. Hope bloomed in his chest and made it feel all light and free instead of stuffed with anxiety and the influx of panic. He was nervous. The octoroks, enemies that were extremely common on this island, more common than in his home country, were making him nervous.
If that was the case, the solution to his problem was indeed easy.
So easy.
Without dawdling around, Link pulled up his pants and underwear, ignored the protests of his full bladder that begged to be emptied, and set out to take care of what he should’ve taken care of long ago. The inhabitants of Koholint Island would thank him for cleaning up the beach later, even though his intentions were selfish and not all that heroic for once.
For the next thirty minutes, the air was filled with swishing noises and euphoric battle cries as Link went on an epic killing spree. Instead of waiting for the octoroks to spawn on their own, he tracked them down before landing a fatal blow to each and every one of them. Some of them, he sliced in the air like they were made out of soggy paper, their fluids spotting his tunic which he couldn’t care less about. He looked behind every bush, palm tree and boulder, turned over every leaf, and didn’t stop his rampage, even when the hand not holding his sword had snuck between his thighs to give himself a few reassuring pinches. Soon. Soon, he could get relief.
After all was done, the legendary hero who had saved Hyrule once stood amidst what looked like a war zone, breathing heavily and still holding onto his crotch like a child would. They had to all be dead now, right? He felt his patience waver, the pressure in his abdomen now even direr with how running and jumping around had jostled his overfull bladder. Since he couldn’t hear any rustling anymore, even after intentionally sharpening his senses, he figured he had done his job well. The area was cleared. There was no reason for him to be nervous anymore.
Giddy with anticipation, Link re-sheathed his sword, hurried to a random bush and went through his usual routine. After suffering for so long (and making a few innocent creatures suffer with him as collateral damage), it was time to put an end to his misery. Goddess, he needed to go, he thought feverishly as he fumbled with his clothes. He breathed in, aimed at the leaves and-
Nothing.
Not a single drop.
Tears sprang to his eyes, lip quivering with both desperation and anger. The octoroks that he’d slaughtered en masse didn’t have anything to do with his problem. He still couldn’t pee.
As soon as he realized that all his efforts had been for nothing, something in him snapped.
---
“Marin! Can you sing the wind fish song for us again?” A little boy, chubby and barely tall enough to come up to the young woman’s waist, looked up at her with sparkling eyes. A girl, even shorter, was bouncing at his side and swinging their joint hands back and forth. As if they had understood what the children were begging her for, a bunch of animals from both the village and the woods had gathered around the weather vane, waiting for the show to start.
“Yes, pretty please! That’s my favorite song!”, the girl cheered and Marin chuckled at her enthusiasm. How could she say no to such a kind face? Besides, singing was one of the things she loved the most, something that came like second nature to her. She raised her voice, a melodic tune echoing in the air that put everyone at ease, the children, the animals, and even Marin herself. In the far distance, a seagull added to the melody with its loud, high-pitched cry.
“Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!”
Marin smiled to herself. If only she could turn into a seagull herself, then she’d fly away from the island to mysterious far away countries and sing for people all over the world. That was her dream. Maybe, if she made a wish to the wind fish, it would come true. Who knew? Too bad Link wasn’t here with her to listen to her sing. Heroes like him were always so busy.
---
Later that afternoon, Link shuffled his way back to Mabe village, frowning at the ground and feeling as if some demonic entity had sucked all the life force out of him. It was a miracle he hadn’t died yet. Every muscle in his body ached and he needed to pee even worse than before, despite everything he had tried to get past the silly barrier that kept him from getting relief.
He had tried to jump up and down, press on his stomach, spin in circles, do a barrel roll- nothing had worked. In his desperation, he had even gotten himself into a few dangerous situations involving stronger enemies than the octoroks he had slaughtered, in hopes of triggering a fear reaction. Unfortunately for him, that had only resulted in him getting his butt kicked. Walking into the ocean hadn’t been a great idea either with the cold water causing his stubborn bladder to lock up even tighter. Also, the seagulls. Goddess, the seagulls. Link was convinced that not a single person was able to pee with one of those fat birds staring at them.
For the first time in years after dealing with so many tricky puzzles and grueling boss battles, he didn’t know what to do. He must’ve looked so miserable, that when Marin caught sight of him as he stumbled around a corner, she fussed over him like a mother over her firstborn child.
“Oh, Link, you poor thing! What happened to you?” She came closer and stroked his cheek which was covered in blood, ink, and dried-up tears. “You have to be more careful. It’s dangerous out there, you know?”
Link nodded solemnly, hands fisted into the loose fabric of his pants as he bent his knees to take off some of the pressure. It barely worked, but squirming and grabbing himself in front of Marin would be rude and it wasn’t like she could help him with his problem. He’d only end up worrying her even more and that was the last thing he wanted after all she had done for him.
“You must be in horrible pain,” Marin guessed right, and again, Link nodded, even though the pain of his injuries was nothing compared to the pain caused by the fact that he hadn’t had a pee break since he’d woken up in Marin’s house that morning. How many hours had gone by since then?
Marin motioned him to sit down on the grass and he followed, too exhausted, both physically and mentally, to argue with her. His sigh turned into a whine as he curled into himself, arms wrapped around his knees. What a pathetic position for a hero to be in. Would the knights in Hyrule Castle still look up to him if they saw him like this? Oh, goddess, what would Zelda think?
He missed her, Link realized and even though it shouldn’t have been possible, he ended up feeling even more sorry for himself. After sulking and wallowing in self-pity for half a minute, a familiar noise made him perk up, a tune so beautiful and mesmerizing, it sounded like it came straight from the heavens. Marin had sat down at his side and with the face and voice of an angel, she was humming the melody of the song that everyone on the island loved.
“The wind fish is a benevolent creature,” she said with a smile as gentle as the morning sun, her hand resting on Link’s shoulder for a brief moment, “His song has healing qualities. It’s soothing to the soul.” That was the only explanation he got before she continued humming.
Link groaned inwardly, not expecting a song, as beautiful as it was, to help him with his toilet issues. That was a little too out there, even for the universe he resided in. Within seconds, however, the song did prove to have an effect on his body. His mind grew fuzzy, the knots in his stomach loosened one by one, and with that came a tingly feeling that he recognized as-
Oh no. Oh yes, but also oh no.
“E-Excuse me!” As if he’d plunged his rear end into a swarm of sea urchins, Link scrambled to his feet, hands flying to his crotch in blind, instinctive panic. Marin went silent but didn’t seem too fazed by his reaction, smile still intact. How did she- Oh no. He let out a high-pitched yelp as a spurt forced itself past his grip, heavy enough to saturate his underwear and trickle down his leg before he could make sense of why this was happening in the first place.
Bush. Now! Right now! His brain was working on autopilot and he spun on his heel to dash to the nearest patch of vegetation, almost running over a chubby, snotty-nosed boy and what looked to be his sister. His bladder gave him three seconds to get his pants down before the dam broke and he struggled to do that, the surprise making him fumbly and uncoordinated.
Thankfully, all his training with bow and arrow had perfected his aim so the explosive release that followed didn’t end up staining his clothes. He made it. Finally. Link couldn’t keep himself from groaning aloud as relief washed over him, the sensation so intense his knees turned wobbly like blobs. Though, the latter could have also been the result of exhaustion, running around the woods and adjacent beach like a maniac and killing monsters for a few hours. Whatever. He finally got to relieve himself like he was used to and it was as easy as ever.
So easy.
He smiled to himself as his stream pattered onto the soft grass. The sound was like music to his ears. It didn’t rival the tune of Marin’s song but it came close with the sheer satisfaction it brought.
“Feel better?” Marin asked him cheerfully as he returned from his impromptu nature break, red-faced and sweaty, but in high spirits from the afterglow of his release. Her blunt question made his face and the tip of his ears burn even hotter. Yet, aside from shame and gratitude for not having to die from a ruptured bladder, what dominated his mind yet again was confusion.
How did she know he had been dying to pee one and a half minutes ago? How did she know he physically couldn’t and needed to be soothed with a song of all things? How did a song, a song related to a flying whale manage to compress his bladder to the point that he’d barely made it behind a cover before he would’ve helplessly wet himself? What kind of magic was that?
Marin was a strange girl, Link thought not for the first time since he’d met her. Strange and mysterious, like the rest of Koholint Island, the place he was stuck in for reasons he didn’t understand. Maybe something wasn’t quite right with this island. Maybe he was dreaming after all.
He shook his head to rid himself of that foolish idea as he and Marin were walking back to the village in comfortable silence. That was too much of a cliche, wasn’t it? A dream? Really? That just sounded silly. Then again, with a bit more exploration, he would figure out the mystery of this place soon enough. Now with his bladder drained to the last drop, the world around him looked a little brighter and less like a black hole wanting to swallow him alive.
Though, he should probably ask Marin to teach him that magical song. Just in case, of course.