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James took a deep breath, his chest rising as the air filled his lungs. He tilted his head towards the sun, slowly shuttering his eyes close. The sun’s rays embraced the smooth features of his face. His brown skin was glowing so brightly that it felt like an offence to the sun. A few months after his twenty-first birthday, James bought a house with his parents’ help. He couldn’t be more grateful for them. He moved to a neighbourhood called Grimmauld Place.
He was standing outside of his house, on his front lawn. Before him, a family lived there. They had left a swing with two seats and a small slide. James didn’t mind. He thought it was sweet and welcoming. He still felt like a child, so perhaps it was accurate to find it there.
He had found a job in the neighbourhood, hence his installation. But he wasn’t starting until September, leaving him the summer off any duties. His first holidays without his parents. He never spent a long time away from them. It would be the first time. In some ways, he was already missing them.
He decided to wander about the neighbourhood, to evaluate his surroundings and maybe meet some of his neighbours. After walking around some blocks, he faced a house that stood out from everything he had seen. The mansion was dark, and a strange atmosphere came out of it. As if dissuading anyone approaching too close. Nonetheless, James wanted to run and go inside at the same time, something undeniably luring him in. He wondered whether it might be a haunted house.
“Looking for something, darling?”
James whirled around, startled by the deep voice addressed to him. He quickly found the person who spoke. He was standing on the other side of the road, facing the creepy house. His upper body leaned against the fence. He had a cigarette between his lips. His hair length was about his collarbones, black and wavy. He was wearing black from head to toe.
“Not really,” James answered. “I just moved into the neighbourhood and decided to walk around the block.” He added. “Do you live here?”
“Unfortunately, yes, I do.” He crashed the end of his cigarette with the sole of his shoe. “See that sweet old house?” He pointed at the house that gave chills down James’ spin, the one he were just staring at before the stranger interrupted him. “A hereditary nightmare we must live in.” He laughed bitterly.
“Why don’t you leave?” James retorted, looking back at him.
“Because we faced family issues, and I can’t do that yet. But I plan to. Sooner or later. There is also someone I care for that lives here.” He scrutinised him, a curious flicker in his eyes, then locked eyes with James. “Do you wanna get some drinks? I know a great bar downtown.”
Perhaps James was an idiot because he accepted his offer without a second thought, despite knowing he lived in the most daunting house he had ever seen. Despite meeting him two seconds ago. He took the lead, and James immediately started to follow him.
“My name is Sirius, by the way. Sirius Black.” He said as they were walking.
“Honestly, I don’t think you could have a more appropriate last name.” It made him laugh softly. “I’m James. James Potter.”
“Nice to meet you, James. I feel like you’ll make my life less boring and miserable.” He grins at him.
“There’s no doubt in that.” He stated, his eyes bright.
The bar wasn’t far. They only walked for about ten minutes or so. There weren’t many people inside, and the atmosphere was rather cosy. Somehow James immediately felt at ease. He was surprised to hear a Bowie song playing. Whoever owned the place had good music taste. Sirius gestured to two unoccupied seats at the counter. Before they had the time to sit, the barman stood in front of Sirius, shooting him - what seemed like - an annoyed glance. But Sirius only grinned in exchange.
“I already told you not to come when it’s my shift. You’re distracting me.” The barman said.
He was tall, taller than both of them. He had multiple scars across his face and jaw, and one on his chest was sticking out of his shirt. Sirius didn’t bother answering. He put one of his hands on the counter to help him shift his weight towards the barman. With his other hand, he grabbed the collar of his shirt and kissed him chastely on the lips. Sirius was about to let go, but the other deepened the kiss before backing out. Sirius’ grin was even bigger than before.
“You know I can’t miss a chance to see you,” Sirius responded before finally sitting down. He looked at James and decided to fill in with the formalities. “James, this is my boyfriend Remus,” He paused to look at his boyfriend. “Remus, this is my new neighbour James.”
They both looked at each other and nodded, displaying the same soft and warm smile Sirius created on their face. They didn’t need to say much. They could both see how happy he seemed to be around them. James had just met Sirius, but he felt he had known him his entire life. His soul already knew him. It was like meeting an old friend, reminiscing old memories as if nothing had changed. As if time had no power over such a bond. Perhaps they met in another life.
They stayed in the bar for multiple hours, talking non-stop about everything and anything, filling the atmosphere with loud voices and laughter. From an external point of view, they seemed like life-long best friends. Remus spent a lot of time with them, earning him some trouble with his boss, who constantly eyed him whenever he spent too much time with them at the customers’ expense. But he didn’t seem to care much about it since he kept coming back to add something to their conversation. The exchanges between the three of them felt so natural.
Sirius and James ultimately got tipsy, to a point where James’ surroundings became blurry. Remus decided to stop serving them alcoholic beverages.
“My shift ends in an hour. Do you guys think you’ll still be standing?” Remus asked.
“Of course.” Sirius declared with confidence. “You’re underestimating me, my love.”
“And I have good reasons to.” He said before leaving the two of them to serve another customer.
An hour later, they were outside of the bar. Sirius had an arm around Remus’ shoulders, and his boyfriend was holding him by the waist. Without Remus’ help, he probably wouldn’t be able to walk straight. James wasn’t much better but tried his best to hide his condition. He obviously didn’t do a great job as he tripped over the bins outside the bar.
“I swear they weren’t here when I looked. Those bins must have appeared magically. It’s the only explanation.” He defended himself while Sirius and Remus were laughing at him.
They walked toward their respective homes, exchanging dialogues that didn’t make any sense but made them laugh anyway. Remus’ apartment wasn’t far from the bar. He informed him earlier that he chose it because of his proximity. When they finally arrived in front of said apartment, Sirius begged Remus to let him spend the night at his place.
“Sirius, you’re drunk. Not to mention that I have an early shift tomorrow.” He retorted with exasperation.
“Please, Remus. I won’t bother you, I promise.” He implored. “Please, my moonshine, the love of my life, my dear lover, my pretty boy, my moonage daydream.”
“Fine! Shut up now.” Sirius tucked his lips in and mimed zipping them, refraining a laugh.
Remus rolled his eyes and gestured his apartment to Sirius, indicating him to take the lead. And so Sirius did but waved his hand to James to say goodbye to him. James imitated him. Afterwards, Remus locked his eyes with James’.
“It was nice to meet you, James.”
“Nice to meet you too, moonshine.” He teased.
Remus scoffed. “You know what, I’m grateful you didn’t pick the worst one. Good night.” He turned his back to get to his apartment but whirled around and added. “Get home safe.” In an authoritative tone.
“Yes, sir. Good night!” He shot back louder than he should have, considering what time it was. But James was too drunk to care. He heard Sirius muffled voice wishing him a good night as Remus closed the door of his apartment.
That night, he headed back home humming to a song he heard during the night, dancing alone in the empty streets.
The following morning, James woke up with a headache violently pulsing against his temples. He had forgotten to close his blinds and immediately hated himself for it as the daylight assaulted his eyes. He pushed his head far under the cover with a groan to postpone the moment his day would begin. It wasn’t usual for him since he loved to wake up early in the morning. Why did he have to drink so much last night? At least it wasn’t enough for him to forget about it. He remembered every word he exchanged with both Sirius and Remus. Without much control, his lips curled up as he went through his memories.
He wanted to feel this way for the rest of his life. He would handle all of the headaches in the world if he had to. As long as it ensured him to stay by their side. Ultimately, it helped him find the motivation to get out of bed.
He took a cold shower and stayed under the water for a while. There was no in-between when James took showers, either freezing cold or burning hot. To his greatest delight, his headache decreased. After he got out of the shower and dressed in his most comfortable clothes, he drank at least a gallon of water before quenching his thirst. He looked at the time; almost 2 pm. He wondered if Sirius had had time to come home or if he stayed in Remus’ apartment despite his early shift. After an internal debate of exactly thirty seconds, he decided to go to Sirius’ house to find out.
He was happy to see the temperature wasn’t scorching today. He didn’t have the strength to walk under a dazzling sun. Once he was a few meters away from his house, he outlined the silhouette of a boy standing on their front lawn. At first, he thought Sirius had cut his hair, but once he got closer, he realised it wasn’t Sirius. The boy seemed a bit younger than him but not by much. He tried to remember from the many subjects they’ve discussed if he mentioned a brother or a cousin living with him, but he didn’t. When he got close enough, he shot him a simple but loud “Hey” to get his attention. The boy didn’t move an inch. Either ignoring him on purpose or too focused on his thoughts to acknowledge his presence. Thenceforth, James moved his body to face him. He made sure the boy looked in his direction when he spoke again.
“Hi, I’m sorry..are you by any chance related to Sirius?” the boy finally looked at him. He seemed surprised that anyone would speak to him. “It’s just that you two look alike.” James continued in a heartbeat. “I mean..wow..you have such similar eyes. Well, similar hair too. Except yours is shorter…and curlier.” he hesitated for a second as the boy looked at him with wide eyes. He apologetically gestured with his hand. “Not in a bad way! It looks good on you. Really good on you. Your hair, I mean.” he stopped. “But you, y-you look good in general, not just your hair. God, why am I still talking.” he pinched the bridge of his nose, and his eyes fluttered shut for a second. When James finally glanced back, the boy still appeared taken aback, fidgeting with his sleeve. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?” His question seemed to jolt him out of his absence because the boy suddenly shook his head as if coming back to his senses.
“No. No, you didn’t. I’m sorry; I didn’t think I would meet anyone today.”
James couldn’t look away from him, subjugated by his beauty. But what most caught his attention was his eyes. It was true that they were similar to Sirius’ but only by their colour. What was inside, what they were expressing was entirely different. His eyes had so many things to tell. They held so many stories untold. James wanted to hear them all. He wanted to learn them by heart.
“It’s alright. I didn’t want to scare you in the least. Apologies if I did.” He ended up saying, scratching the side of his neck. “I’m James. James Potter.” He filled in.
“Regulus. Regulus Black.” His voice was raspier than Sirius’.
“Are you Sirius’ brother?” he asked.
“Yes, his little brother, to be exact. Are you looking for him?” He was polite, but his tone was cold and flat.
“Actually, yes. We met yesterday. I just moved into the neighbourhood; my house is a few blocks away from yours. We got along pretty well from our first meeting. I assumed he must have come home since Remus is working today. I wanted to make sure he recovered from yesterday. I think he was drunker than I was.”
“He’s inside, but so are our parents. And I wouldn’t recommend meeting them,” he said uncomfortably. “You should go. I don’t doubt you’ll see him another day.”
He peered at the house. Everything about it was telling him never to step a foot inside.
“Well, I won’t contradict you on this one. Can you tell Sirius I was looking for him?”
He frowned, looking at the ground, visibly conflicted. “I can’t. We have a,” he hesitated for a second, “complicated relationship. It would be better not to inform him we met or even talked. Don’t mention it to him if you want to keep a good relationship. He wouldn’t like to know his new friend talked to his brother.” he paused and fixed his gaze on him. “Goodbye, James, don’t talk to me again.”
Regulus turned his back to James and began to walk off to get inside. James felt like he was suffocating, letting out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Before his brain could comprehend anything, his mouth took the lead.
“I don’t think I will be able to do that.” he burst out. Regulus looked back at him, visibly confused and alert.
He couldn’t really explain what pushed him to say that. Perhaps because James spent his whole life adjusting a mask on his face, trying to show a bright face and a beaming smile even during his worst days. He perfected this illusion over the years, making his facade more believable. Thus, it allowed him to recognise - at first glance - when someone was masking their true feelings. Regulus’ approach was the opposite of his. He wanted to scare anyone who dared to get close to him. It was a way to protect himself, to avoid getting hurt. He wouldn’t let anyone get in. He couldn’t afford to. But James could see right through his masquerade because he always hoped someone would see through his. He wasn’t going to let go of him as everyone did. No matter how deep Regulus buried himself. He didn’t care how long it would take.
James observed every detail, every feature that composed his contours, and he knew Regulus could feel his eyes lingering across his face. But he didn’t care how oblivious he was. James wanted to remember every trait. You’re so goddamn beautiful, he thought.
“You will have to excuse me, but now that I met you, I refuse to go back to a time when I didn’t know your existence. I can’t wait for our next encounter Regulus Black.” He announced with a proud grin.
He didn’t wait for an answer. He had said everything he needed to. He turned his back to him and headed back to his place.
The following day, James found Sirius leaning against the outside wall of his house, smoking the end of his cigarette. James figured he had been waiting for him for a few minutes.
“Don’t you dare leave your fag ends on my lawn, Sirius Black.”
Sirius snapped his head toward James and frowned at him, placing his free hand on his hip.
“Did you just call me a slur?”
It took some time for James to realise what he meant. “Oh fuck off.” Which earned him a proud laugh from Sirius.
“Fancy walking with me for a bit?” Sirius suggested.
“Sure.”
Sirius's presence made him wonder if Regulus had exaggerated the nature of their relationship, and he happened to tell him about his visit and their conversation from yesterday. But he prefered not to say anything in case Sirius just wanted to see him like he did the day before. They wandered around the neighbourhood. Sirius had lit another cigarette. The silence that settled between the two of them was comfortable. He always felt comfortable around him.
“My parents are leaving for a month.” Sirius broke the silence. “It’s a sort of business trip. I’m pretty glad they are, to be honest.” He paused, searching for his words. “They don’t depart often, but when they do, the house it just…It becomes too much. To be without company in this place, it can get pretty hard. No matter how much I hate them, I hate being alone in this place even more. It just sucks the life out of you.”
“Yeah, well, I believe you on that one,” James responded.
“I know I just depicted the worst house in existence to you, but my point here is to ask you if you’d like to keep me company. You could come some days to make sure I don’t die in there.” He exaggerated and laughed sarcastically. “But mostly because I would love to know you more by spending time with you.” He stopped for a second before adding. “I know I could ask Remus, but he has his job this summer, and he truly needs the money. I don’t want to create him any trouble by being the reason he’s late or anything else. He will probably come to give me or us some company during his days off, though. I swear the house isn’t so terrible when you have someone at your side.”
James chuckled fondly. “You didn’t need to say all of that to convince me. I would love to keep you company, especially if it means I’ll spend more time with you and Remus.”
He elbowed him in the ribs, which provoked a loud “Ouch” from James. “Don’t make fun of me.” He threatened with his finger pointed at him.
“Oh, I absolutely need to. You were extremely cute babbling about it.” He paused. “But more seriously, I really don’t mind.” He stopped walking to show the importance and meaning of what he was about to say. “Also, if it ever gets too difficult, you can still come to my place, whenever you want, even once your parents get back. And I will have to kidnap you if they try to prevent you from doing so.” He expressed it theatrically.
Sirius smiled at him. “Thank you, James,” he muttered.
As soon as his parents left, Sirius was at James’ door, dragging him to his place. The inside of the house was how James expected it. It seemed like it had never witnessed a ray of sun. The Black family residence seemed like a house made out of a cemetery. Everything was gloomy and bleak. He had no idea how hard it must have been to grow up in such a place. Regulus' hostility and coldness suddenly made more sense. He wondered how Sirius developed such a bright and welcoming personality. His question cleared away once he stepped into his room.
Everything about it screamed Sirius. Multiple posters were hanging on the walls, one of Bowie, another of QUEEN, even one of The Clash and many others of smaller groups. There also were different polaroids of Remus and him. One depicted them at the bar. They were looking fondly at each other. James wondered who had taken the picture. Another one showed the two of them kissing each other. In a corner, a smaller photograph portrayed Regulus and him. He had to squint his eyes to discern them, but it was there. And maybe it wasn’t much, but it was proof that Sirius cared.
He had painted two of his walls red. It was probably the only source of bright colour in this house. And probably one of the rare sources of comfort for Sirius. James loved his room.
After James comfortably settled, he couldn’t stop thinking about Regulus and where his room might be. So he came up with a dumb lie to find an excuse to explore the house more. He asked Sirius where the bathroom was, and he told him it was upstairs, the first door on the right. Without a second thought, James was upstairs. He found the bathroom, but it wasn’t why he was there.
All of the doors on this floor were closed, except for one. The second door on the left was ajar. So James got closer and looked inside the room through the slit of the half-opened door. He instantly recognised Regulus, so he pushed the door to open it entirely.
As he looked at Regulus, James leaned his arm against the doorframe of his room, his lips slowly curling up. Regulus was reading on his bed. His legs folded close to his chest. He was so focused on the words written on the pages that he didn’t notice his presence, or at least he pretended not to.
“What are you reading?”
At the sound of his voice, Regulus slowly raised his head to lock his eyes on him. His hair was wet, making some of his curls fall on his face. His skin was so pale that it stood out from his dark clothes and dark hair. It gave him a surreal appearance. Although his demeanour was cold, James couldn't help but feel warm under his stare.
“None of your concern,” he answered flatly.
He tore his eyes away from James to focus on his book, leaving him cold again. But his remark only increased his smile. If there is one thing James learned throughout the years of his existence is that he is a rather persistent person. Some might describe it as an irritating trait. He liked to think of it as a form of determination. He entered the room and sat next to him, peering at the book resting against Regulus’ thighs.
“Go away, James.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I don’t want you here.”
“Ouch. Such mean words. Are you always this mean?”
“Yes.”
“And here I thought you treated me differently. I liked that idea, to be honest. You know, being the object of special treatment.”
“You’re not. Leave.” He didn’t look back at him once during their entire exchange, determined to ignore him. It only gave James more obstinacy.
He snatched the book from his hands, to which Regulus responded with a groan to express his irritation.
“Are you reading in French? Wait,” he paused, “you can speak French?” He exclaimed almost too loudly.
“No, I love to read things I don’t understand.”
James ignored the sarcasm, too impressed by the idea. He gasped. “Speak French to me.”
“Go to hell, James.”
“I love when you say my name.” he paused and laughed at the disgusted expression those words created on his face. “Please! I swear I’ll leave you alone if you do.”
Regulus sighed. “T’es insupportable. Maintenant dégage de ma chambre.”
“I can’t tell if you’ve insulted me or if you’ve talked dirty to me. I like the second idea better.”
“Too bad it’s the first one. Now leave. Not to mention Sirius is going to wonder what you’re doing.”
Regulus didn’t need to say more James was already on his feet. “Shit,” he said under his breath. He looked at Regulus one last time before declaring. “Okay, I’m leaving, love. but I’ll be back soon enough.” He was already out of the room when he heard a distant “Don’t fucking call me love!” which made him chuckle as he hurried down the stairs.
As soon as he stepped a foot into Sirius’ room, he heard his voice greeting him with a question.
“What took you so long? Did you get lost or something?”
“Kind of, actually.” he scratched the side of his neck. “Your house is big…and honestly pretty scary, so I think I just wandered around. You know how I am, always curious about everything.”
“You’re a lost cause.” he heaved a sigh.
“Oh, don’t act all pretentious. You would have done the same if you were me.” He retorted defensively.
Sirius shrugged his shoulders mindlessly. “Fair enough.”
“I know, I’m always right,” he said with a grin that earned him a smile back from Sirius.
After a silence settled between the two, James couldn’t stop thinking about it. He had to ask him. James had to bring Regulus into the conversation. James needed to know how Sirius felt about it and why he acted like his little brother didn’t exist. Regulus was just upstairs. He wasn’t alone in this house. They could fix whatever happened between them. He knew they could, as much as he knew that Regulus wasn’t as bad as he seemed.
“Can I ask you something?” He announced after his internal debate.
“Sure, what is it?”
“Well, when I was upstairs, I saw a lot of different rooms, and so I wondered, you have siblings, right? Maybe a brother?” James saw Sirius’ body freeze and stiffen. “I mean, it’s just a theory, but I saw the names on the doors, so you know, being curious and all. Do you have a relationship as difficult with them as with your parents?” He breathed out.
“James, if you don’t mind, I would rather not talk about it. Not now. Not ever.” His answer was cold, and James felt guilty for making him uncomfortable.
“No, not at all. I-...I'm sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up. It isn’t any of my business.” He responded in a heartbeat.
“It’s not that it’s not your business, James. Or that I don’t trust you. It’s just a tough subject for me. I don’t feel ready to mention it.”
His voice was weak as he mumbled. “I understand, but still, I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright, I swear.” Sirius pushed him onto the bed to hug him firmly. And they stayed like that for a while.
James had no idea what time it was. He was lying in bed next to Sirius, staring at the ceiling, lulled by Sirius’ deep breathing. He fell asleep some time ago. James could tell by the lack of tension in his body and the change of his breath. James wasn’t an insomniac. He always fell asleep with ease unless something was wrong. Perhaps it was the house. There was something about it that made him feel deeply uncomfortable. He knew it had nothing to do with Sirius because he had never met someone who made him feel so at ease before. He figured it had to do with Sirius’ parents and his entire family. Everything about this place was dark and creepy. It was a feeling under his skin that couldn’t leave him. He wanted to get him out of here. But not only him. He needed to save Regulus as well. James wondered if he had a saviour complex. A part of him always wanted to be utile to people. To help them, to be desired by them, so that they would keep him in their lives. He knew it wasn’t the right reason to want someone in your life because it could lead to people using him. But deep down, he never felt like he, as a whole, was enough. He had to be the shoulder people leaned on. Not the other way around. Never the other way around. No matter how tiring it would get for him. He could handle it; he knew he could.
After their little conversation in Regulus' room, they didn’t get the chance to see him again that day. Not anywhere else in the old mansion. Was he staying in his room on purpose? To avoid seeing his brother? Was their relationship so complicated that they couldn’t bare the sight of the other? He concluded that they usually avoided each other, that it was just how they lived. James couldn’t help but be curious about the nature of their relationship. What provoked it? Was it because of their parents? No matter how hard he tried falling asleep, he couldn’t think of anything other than Regulus. James wondered what he was doing right now. Was he asleep? Before he gave it a second thought, his legs were already carrying him upstairs, eager to find out.
The door of his room was ajar. James discerned a faded light coming from inside. He ran a hand through his hair, adjusted his glasses on his nose, and opened the door as he took a deep breath.
Regulus was still reading the same book except that now he was towards the end of it. He also switched position from the last moment he saw him, now laying on his back, book lifted above his head.
“I see you’re a very dedicated person. Did you even take any break?” James breathed out, voice low.
Regulus was startled by his voice and nearly dropped the book on his face. He cursed and sat on his bed to give him a death stare.
“What is wrong with you?” He shot back, his voice almost a murmur but filled with anger. “Do you not know how to knock?”
James frowned. “Then where is the surprise in that?”
“That’s the whole point. It refrains you from giving people a heart attack, dickhead.”
“You know you can directly say that the mere vision of me increases your heart rate. No need to be so fussy and defensive about it.” He retorted, arching an eyebrow.
“I hate you.” He laid back on his bed.
“Oh, so you feel strong and passionate emotions for me.” He waited. “Besides, there is only one step between love and hate.”
He entered the room and pushed Regulus’ legs to sit on the bed.
“Is personal space an unknown concept to you?”
“Your brother doesn’t seem to mind.”
“I am not my brother.”
“Oh, that, I know.”
“Talking to the wall would lead to a more successful conversation than with you, you know that?” He heaved a sight.
“But is the wall better looking than me?” He flung back with a grin. Regulus opened his mouth, but James didn’t let him get a word in edgewise. “You know what, don’t answer that.”
Regulus clenched his jaw before closing his eyes. His lips slightly parted. James observed him as his chest rose under the effect of his breathing. His eyes slowly scanned him. They darted down to his waist, where his shirt had been pulled up from his movements, revealing a bit of his skin. He forced himself to look away. He focused on his legs instead. One folded because of his presence on the end of the bed, and the other stretched out behind him. He had to shut his lids to keep him from reaching out, to restrain from letting his hands do what his eyes were.
“Hell, you’re fucking gorgeous.” He muttered, not realising he said it out loud.
Before he could understand what was happening to him, he felt a hand violently gripping his shirt. When he opened his eyes again, Regulus’ face was only a few centimetres away from his own. His eyes agitated, trying to focus on something. James could see the rush of emotions battling on his features. There you go . He thought. There it is, the real you. You let your mask slip away, love. Ultimately, the anger won the fight on his face.
“Don’t. Don’t ever compliment me again.” He spat out. “I’m not kidding, Potter. Don’t you fucking dare.”
“Fluttered much, sweetheart?” he murmured, his gaze drifting to his lips.
Regulus let go of his shirt and backed away from James. He blinked multiple times before frowning. Are you having a hard time masking your emotions again? James wondered.
“I’ll leave your beauty alone if that’s what you want. But know that you can’t prevent me from thinking about it.”
“As long as it stays in your head.” Regulus retaliated.
A silence settled between them as Regulus shifted his weight to be in a more comfortable position. Regulus’ face tensed, lips pressed into a thin line, and James could sense he was slipping away from him, closing himself from him and everything else.
“What is your book about?” James ended up asking.
Regulus looked at him for a few seconds, probably debating whether to answer or tell him to fuck off.
“It’s just a poetry book. I like to annotate and analyse my books.” He mumbled.
“That seems like something you would do.”
“You don’t know me.” He snapped back defensively.
“I know you’re someone observant. I know you keep your feelings deep inside of you. So annotating your thoughts and personal observations about what you read, away from people’s eyes, seems pretty in character.” He paused and stared at him. “Read me a poem. Please.”
To James’ surprise, Regulus didn’t say anything else. No mean remark, no sarcastic touch; he just grabbed the book and opened it at a specific page, in what felt like an intimate silence, before he cleared his throat and his voice filled the air.
“Ophélie.
Sur l’onde calme et noire où dorment les étoiles
La blanche Ophélia flotte comme un grand lys,
Flotte très lentement, couchée en ses longs voiles…
– On entend dans les bois lointains des hallalis.
Voici plus de mille ans que la triste Ophélie
Passe, fantôme blanc, sur le long fleuve noir;
Voici plus de mille ans que sa douce folie
Murmure sa romance à la brise du soir.
Le vent baise ses seins et déploie en corolle
Ses grands voiles bercés mollement par les eaux;
Les saules frissonnants pleurent sur son épaule,
Sur son grand front rêveur s’inclinent les roseaux.
Les nénuphars froissés soupirent autour d’elle;
Elle éveille parfois, dans un aune qui dort,
Quelque nid, d’où s’échappe un petit frisson d’aile :
– Un chant mystérieux tombe des astres d’or.
Ô pâle Ophélia ! belle comme la neige !
Oui tu mourus, enfant, par un fleuve emporté!
– C’est que les vents tombant des grands monts de Norwège
T’avaient parlé tout bas de l’âpre liberté;
C’est qu’un souffle, tordant ta grande chevelure,
A ton esprit rêveur portait d’étranges bruits;
Que ton cœur écoutait le chant de la Nature
Dans les plaintes de l’arbre et les soupirs des nuits;
C’est que la voix des mers folles, immense râle,
Brisait ton sein d’enfant, trop humain et trop doux ;
C’est qu’un matin d’avril, un beau cavalier pâle,
Un pauvre fou, s’assit muet à tes genoux !
Ciel! Amour! Liberté! Quel rêve, ô pauvre folle !
Tu te fondais à lui comme une neige au feu :
Tes grandes visions étranglaient ta parole
– Et l’infini terrible effara ton oeil bleu !
– Et le poète dit qu’aux rayons des étoiles
Tu viens chercher, la nuit, les fleurs que tu cueillis,
Et qu’il a vu sur l’eau, couchée en ses longs voiles,
La blanche Ophélia flotter, comme un grand lys.”
Regulus stopped and peered at James, informing him that he had finished reading the poem. James held his gaze and looked at him fondly. Regulus seemed uneasy under his stare as if bared naked. Has no one ever looked at him in the past? Genuinely looked at him? Did people only stop at his first appearance? Did people only believe him as cold and mean? James wanted to take him in his arm and never let go of him.
“I love your voice when you speak French.” James declared after some time.
“James, stop flirting with me.”
“Why? Are you scared you will like it too much and fall for me?” He retorted with a proud grin.
“C’est déjà le cas.”
James drew his eyebrows together, perceptibly confused. “What does it mean?”
“In your dreams,” Regulus answered flatly, which made James laugh.
“I love it when you play hard to get.” He turned his upper body to face him better. “But you can be sure that I will, in fact, dream about you,” James said, offering him a lopsided smile.
Regulus kept a stony face, obviously not impressed by James’ tentatives.
“You never know when to stop, do you?”
“See! You’re starting to know me.” He sounded delighted.
“Don’t get too excited, Potter. Anyone could notice your perseverance.”
“But you’re not anyone.”
Something switched in Regulus after those words. Something in his eyes changed. As if his soul had left his corporal envelope. His eyes seemed empty. No, come back. James shouted in his head, convinced that if he were loud enough, Regulus would hear him.
“I’m nobody, nobody to you, nobody to my brother, nobody to everyone. And it will stay that way.” He drawled, accentuating each nobody, making them resonate in the room. But more importantly, he wanted them to resonate with James. He wanted James to understand, he wanted him to understand so badly, but the words bounced right back at him. James had no interest in giving up. No matter what he had to say to keep him away.
Regulus stared at James’ eyes desperately but gave up eventually. Both were too similar in their differences, too stubborn for their own good.
“You need to sleep. We both need to. You should leave James.”
Surprisingly James didn’t contradict him. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get anything else from him today. James stood up and felt Regulus’ gaze following each of his movements. So James suddenly hovered closer to him, so close that he could feel his breath on his face. Regulus backed out, but his back ultimately met the wall. He opened his mouth but closed it immediately after.
“Loss of words?” His eyes looked down at his lips, then back up to meet his gaze again.
Regulus tossed his head back to look up at him more intensely, a challenge in his expression he never had before.
“Don’t play with something you can’t handle, James.” was his answer.
James smiled. “I guess we will find out soon enough.” Shortly after those words left the barrier of his lips, he was out of the room, leaving Regulus gasping for air.
The second night, James didn’t wait long after Sirius fell asleep. As soon as his breathing got more profound, he was up the stairs. He felt an ounce of disappointment when he saw that Regulus’ door was closed, thinking he might be already asleep. But as if they were in sync, Regulus opened the bathroom door, falling face-to-face with James.
“Hi,” was all James could say, his heart pondering in his chest.
“Are you going to come to see me every night, James?”
“Yes.” He answered straight away. Regulus heaved a sigh and headed to his room, James on his heels. “Were you making yourself more presentable because you knew I would come?” His lips curled up.
“I was preparing myself to go to bed, James. My world doesn’t revolve around you.”
“Hmm… Yes, it does.”
“I think it’s the other way around here. You’re the one who can’t stay away from me.” He retorted.
“Oh, but that’s the difference between you and me, Reg.” He stepped closer. Regulus turned to him and arched an eyebrow. “I don’t hide it. I don’t pretend. But, do keep on doing that. I’ll just act as if I believe it.” He passed right past Regulus and entered his room first, making his way to his bed and laying down on it. He glanced at the ceiling and gasped. There were glow-in-the-dark stars on it. They formed the Canis Major constellation, and Sirius’ star was twice the size of the others.
“I always wanted those when I was little!” He exclaimed, suddenly very excited.
Regulus was standing beside the bed in silence. His eyes followed James’ gaze.
“Sirius offered them to me when I was 8.” He answered. “I had a difficult day, a big fight with my parents; it was one of those times when my mother got physically violent with me. He tried to cheer me up.” He paused, his lips slightly curling up, and amusement flooded his voice at the memory. “We were too small to reach the ceiling, so Sirius stood on the bed and carried me on his shoulders. I almost fell multiple times. It was his idea to represent his constellation. He said it was a way for him to watch over me during my sleep. And that I just had to look up if I was feeling overwhelmed or missed him.” He looked at James and continued, his voice filled with bitterness now. “Most of the time, we weren’t allowed in the other’s room or even to spend time with each other. I think she feared we would try to join our forces to overpower her.”
“I’m sorry about your mom.” Regulus discarded his answer with his hand and sat on the edge of the bed. His upper body turned to him. “It was a sweet thought from him. And a bit arrogant if we think about it. Especially considering the choice of the size for his star. I mean yeah, Sirius is the brightest star, but still.”
“Sums up my brother pretty well, don’t you think?”
“Definitely.” He answered with a laugh.
“You two are pretty similar on this.”
“Oh, so you think I’m sweet.” His lips curled up.
“You just proved my point,” Regulus stated unmoved. James laughed even more.
His smile and laugh faded. “Why did you keep them after all this time?” He asked seriously.
Regulus hesitated, deep in thought. “They bring me comfort. They helped me a lot when I was young, and they still do. Habitudes die hard, don’t they?” He asked in a sad tone.
James stared at him with compassion.
“You were right earlier.” Regulus shot him an interoggative look. “When you said your world didn’t revolve around me.” He continued. “It revolves around Sirius. It always did.”
Regulus’ bottom lip slightly quivered. It was very subtle, but James caught it. He turned his head away from James, hiding whatever emotions he awoke in him.
“Can you turn off the light? I want to see them glow.” James asked.
He really wanted to, but he also wanted to help Regulus recover from his emotions without the pressure of his presence. Regulus nodded and stood up to reach the switch. Once they were in the dark, he felt the bed sagging beside him. Regulus’ breath was irregular. He wanted to take him in his arm but didn’t want him to feel even more uncomfortable. So he talked, he rambled really, just to distract Regulus. To calm him down. He narrated different stories that happened to him when he was a child. He talked about his parents, his family, his best friend Marlene, and the job he would start in September. How much he missed them. And Regulus listened; he listened so attentively. James could even hear him laugh at times. But more importantly, his breathing stopped being unsteady.
On the third night, James entered Regulus’ room with a purpose. He had thought about it for the entire day.
“Regulus Arcturus Black, Do you know how special tonight is?” He explained as he opened the door dramatically.
“Oh, god. What is it going to be today?” He sighed and pushed his book aside to look at him flatly.
“Tonight, my dear, there are shooting stars.” He retorted without losing an ounce of his enthusiasm in answer to Regulus’ lack of interest. “It’s a rare occasion. They will light up the entire sky. So you,” he approached him and took his hand to force him to get on his feet, “and I,” he put the index of his free hand on his chest, “are going to observe them because we can’t miss such an event.” He pursued with a smile.
Before Regulus could even try to place a word in, James was already dragging him down the stairs.
“James. Fucking hell, can you slow down? I’m going to fall.”
In the blink of an eye, Regulus was against the wall, James’ other hand on his mouth.
“Can you lower your voice? You’re going to wake Sirius up. Do you want that to happen?” He murmured.
They were intimately closed. James’ nose was almost touching Regulus’. He let his hand drop down across Regulus’ chest, skimming it, before settling his hand on his waist. Without much control over his own body, Regulus arched his back under James’ hold. It created a proud grin on James’ face, and Regulus hated it. Regulus then shook his head, not trusting his voice.
“Good. Let’s go then.” He looked at his lips briefly, a smile still etched on his traits.
Once they got outside, they sat on the dry lawn in front of the house. Regulus broke their physical contact as he let go of James’ hand. They both looked up in perfect synchronisation without noticing. They were immediately able to witness some of the shooting stars. James’ eyes were bright with fascination. He couldn’t retain a gasp from escaping his lips. It made Regulus smile, but he let it die down right away. Regulus stayed silent, focusing on the stars.
As James observed the shooting stars, he wondered what wishes he could make. But he soon realised that he didn’t have any. Everything that James ever coveted in the past, he found it here. He couldn’t have hoped and wished for something better. Regulus, Sirius and Remus were all he needed.
So he stopped looking at the stars and gaped at Regulus, at the most beautiful person he ever laid his eyes on. Regulus must have felt the weight of his stare because he suddenly broke the silence.
“James, the stars are in the sky,” he whispered almost intimately.
“Not mine.” He breathed out.
Regulus stared right back at him. With an intensity, he never had before. James could lose himself in those eyes. His eyes shone so brightly that he put the starry night to shame. They were nothing compared to him. And, he, James Potter, was the one those eyes were looking at. He never felt luckier than in this moment.
A comfortable silence settled between them. James and Regulus were just looking at each other. They knew it was enough. They knew they didn’t need anything else. The presence of the other was enough, way more than enough. And it should have been so hard to believe because Regulus was the first person who made James feel like he was enough. But it didn’t. It felt right. His heart started to beat so fast he thought his chest was about to explode.
Because Regulus was there.
And he was looking at him.
And he was so beautiful.
How does one recover from that?
“We used to do that.” He said after some time, looking back at the night sky.
“Do what?” James answered.
“Look at the stars, Sirius and me. Maybe it was because of our names. But mostly because being in that house was too much for us. Each room, each wall, and each corner held memories we didn’t want. It was the only place our mother couldn’t separate us. Going out and looking at the stars for hours was our only escape before time grew us apart.” He looked at his fingers. “Well, not only time. I guess experiencing childhood abuse can only do two things to siblings. Bring them closer or break them apart. You can easily guess that we are the latter. It has a lot to do with our mother’s method, though. She tried her best to turn us against each other.”
“I’m sorry. You two didn’t deserve any of this. Hell, no one does.” He spat out, relishing a wave of anger he didn’t know he was holding. “I need to get you both out of this house. What about moving in with me, yeah? There’s enough room.”
“James.”
“No, I’m being serious. I hate to know you both live there, and I’m not doing anything about it.” He raised his voice without realising, almost shouting in the empty Grimmauld Place.
“It’s not as easy as that, James. And you know it. Our parents and our family are powerful people. You don’t want to cross them.”
“I don’t care about how powerful they a-”
“Well, I do!” He cut him off, raising his voice in anger, shouting the words at him. “James, you may have the best intentions in the world, but you can’t bring yourself into our lives and shatter everything we have ever known. And making it sound so easy to run away. You’re minimalising our experience , our feelings and how much we fucking tried .” His voice grew louder and louder. How much I fucking tried! It’s not fair !”
He stood up and started to storm back into the house, but before he could reach the front door, James grabbed his hand. He didn’t have to think to know that he was already on his feet chasing after him. And with a moderate force, he made Regulus face him again.
“I’m sorry, Reg. I’m so sorry. It was so insensitive and ill-judged of me to say such things. It was not my intention to diminish how you feel and what you have undergone. I would never do such a thing.” He paused, trying to make sense of all the thoughts rushing in his mind. “I got carried away. I acknowledge it might sound unfair to say such things because I’m not the one who lived all of it, but I care about you. I care about Sirius. And it makes me sick to stand by and watch you both suffer.”
Regulus' expression softened, but he could still discern anger in his eyes. They always betrayed his true feelings. Regulus didn’t know what to say or do. Talking about an event that left scars was hard, especially when they didn’t get the time to heal. So James did what he was best at. He took Regulus in his arms. He was hesitant at first, making sure he wasn’t crossing any boundaries, but when Regulus didn’t break himself free from his embrace, he held onto him more tightly. Regulus wasn’t responding to it, his body stiff. But James didn’t let go of him because it would have felt like abandoning him, and James would never do that. It wasn’t until James slowly moved his arm upward to slide his hand behind Regulus’ neck that his body loosened up. He intertwined his fingers with strands of Regulus’ wet hair, refraining from gripping them. He wanted to express how much this embrace meant to him. James could feel his breath hit against the skin of his neck, and it was enough to make him forget about everything else.
When they finally parted from their embrace, James slid his arms down Regulus’ back to wrap his waist, refusing to let go of him yet. He grabbed it more firmly to pull him closer, resting his forehead against his. Their breath was jerky, affected by the other’s proximity. James ran a hand under Regulus’ shirt, eager to touch his skin. He felt him shiver as soon as one of his fingers brushed against his bare skin. A sound of relief escaped Regulus’ mouth, and James felt his entire world spinning. It was intimate, but not in a sexual way. The kind of intimacy that touches your soul. That creates a bond. It was a physical contact meant to heal, to show that the other wasn’t alone. Not anymore.
Regulus was the one who broke their contact. He slowly backed out from James. But as he did so, their eyes met and didn’t let go of the other. It was a way for Regulus to express his gratitude without having to say anything. And James understood. He always did, even when he left him alone on the porch. Regulus was a silent person. He loved and felt everything quietly. But what he felt for James? It was loud. It was so loud that it terrified him.
When James woke up the next day, he felt a weight crushing on his chest. For a brief moment, and instinctively, he thought about Regulus even though he knew it couldn’t be. He slowly opened his eyes, blinking multiple times before adapting his vision to the room around him.
Half of Sirius’ hair was spread messily across James’ face, his head resting against his chest, an arm wrapped around his waist and one of his legs between his. He hoped he wasn’t drooling on his shirt. He tried to contain a laugh but couldn’t bear it any longer. The irregular rise of his chest due to his laughter woke Sirius up. He groaned and grabbed his waist more firmly.
“What’s so funny?” He managed to articulate, half asleep.
“Nothing, dear, nothing,” his lips still curled up on his face, “Missing Remus that much?” He added.
“Shut up.” He mumbled.
“I would think twice before addressing rude remarks to me. I can push you off the bed.”
“You won’t. You love me way too much to do such a thing.” He inarticulated.
James didn’t say anything else because Sirius was right in a way, but he still wouldn’t mind pushing him off the bed. They fell back asleep after some time. And eventually, James wrapped his arm around Sirius. Their bodies tangled together, his chin resting on Sirius’ head. Both felt at peace.
Later that day, Remus entered unannounced in Sirius’ room with a smile on his face. Sirius was quick to react as he jumped right into his arms.
“Aren’t you working today?” Sirius proclaimed.
“I got two days off, so I can stay for the night if you guys accept me.”
“Of course, moonshine.” James forestalled, restraining a grin.
Remus looked at him flatly before returning his gaze to Sirius. “Won’t you say anything?”
“No, James has a pass to use the nicknames I give you. He’s the only one, though.”
“It was already hard to deal with you, but both of you?” He pointed his fingers at them consecutively. “Please have mercy on my soul.” He declared as he looked at the ceiling.
Sirius turned to look at James. “It means he loves you in his twisted language.”
“I’m honoured.” He retorted, both hands on his chest to express his acknowledgement.
Late this afternoon, they decided to go out. There was a park right across from Sirius’ house. The weather was nice. There were only a few people, creating the leisurely atmosphere they needed. They sat on a bench, Sirius in the middle, Remus on his left and James on his right. Remus put his arm around Sirius’ shoulders, and the latter let his head rest on Remus’ shoulder. James shot his head back and looked up. The bench was framed by two weeping willows, giving James the impression that the leaves were about to fall on his face. He breathed deeply there, enjoying the moment. He knew these moments would become his best memories someday.
Suddenly Sirius jolted from the bench and began to run off somewhere. James and Remus exchanged a wide-eyed glance, as stunned and alert as the other. Subsequently, their eyes followed Sirius’ silhouette to watch him crouch beside a large black dog. The owner seemed as dumbfounded as the two of them. They busted out laughing as soon as their worry went away. He looked like a child discovering animals for the first time.
“I think he’s the best thing that happened to me,” Remus exclaimed tenderly.
“I’m sure he would say the same thing about you,” James responded with a smile that couldn’t leave his face.
“You would come close.” He said warmly. There was no bitterness or jealousy in his tone. He seemed happy for Sirius. James was now gazing at him, a wonder in his eyes. “I’ve observed it myself.” Remus filled in to answer the silent question James asked. “The night at the bar. You have a special bond with him. It’s different from the one I have with him, but it doesn’t make it any less important. I don’t necessarily believe in anything, but I think your souls connected the very moment you met each other.”
“I feel this way too.” James almost whispered, his voice filled with emotions he couldn’t fathom the origin of. Perhaps from another lifetime.
“I can tell.” He smiled at him. “And I’m glad you do because he needs you, and I believe you need him as much or that a time will come where you will. Your presence in this house is important to him, but he might never voice it to you. Not directly, but he will try to show it in his own way. Too many things happened in this hollow place.” He paused, pained. “He doesn’t talk about it. It’s too painful for him.” He stopped once again, not looking at James. “Sometimes I’m scared of what he could do. Out of anger. Out of sadness or even out of loneliness. Because when he allows himself to let things out, it can get ugly. He’s a very intense person. Perhaps, it has a lot to do with everything he has endured. And everything he keeps inside. It can have a lot of positive effects. His intensity, I mean. I have never met anyone capable of loving as strong as him. But it comes with negative aspects. He can become very auto-destructive. He can hurt others without meaning to, and it scares him. He’s terrified of becoming like her.”
“He isn’t. He really isn’t,” James answered, eyebrows furrowed.
“No, he isn’t. And I try my best every day to make him believe it too.”
“Then it will make the two of us from now on.”
“I didn’t expect any less from you.”
They both smiled at each other, and Sirius returned with a gigantic smile across his features. He went on a long rant about the dog and how they needed to adopt one when they would all live together. They both attentively listened to him. Very fond of the man in front of them.
It was in the middle of the night when they went back into the house.
“There’s no way I sleep with the two of you,” James exclaimed. “I will leave you both to it, alright? Sirius, is there any room I can go to without offending a very ancient family member?”
“You can go to Andromeda’s room. It’s upstairs, near the bathroom. Her name is inscribed on the door, so you can’t really miss it.”
“Don’t overestimate him,” Remus added.
James flipped his middle finger at him as he exited the room backwards. He went up the stairs, passed before Regulus’ door and entered Andromeda’s room as soon as he found it. There was dust on the covers, so James undertook the task of shaking it off. He had to cough a few times afterwards. The air in the room felt unbreathable, so he walked to the small window and opened it. He stayed right in front of it for some time and took multiple deep breaths of fresh air. When he turned around, he caught Regulus in his sight.
“Well, hello, lover.” He beamed.
“James.” He reprimanded. He really was resistant to pet names.
“Oh, come on, I know you love it.”
Regulus ignored him. “So you’ve been kicked out? Poor James.” He faked a pout.
“I actually took the decision, but I think I would have been anyway if I hadn’t anticipated.”
“Maybe not. Perhaps they wanted their relationship to take a new turn. And you ruined it.”
“Oh my god, I need to go back.” He gasped and began to run away from the room, passing past Regulus. But Regulus grabbed his arm and stopped him by the doorway, pushing him toward him.
“Don’t.” His tone was authoritative.
“I like when you give me orders.” He whispered with a grin. He pushed Regulus against the doorframe, and the latter had to look up to meet his eyes. He kept his hand on his waist.
“James,” Regulus warned.
“Yes?” He stepped closer to him, lowering his gaze to stare at his lips, long enough for Regulus to understand his motive.
“Don’t.” He mumbled, his voice weak.
So James lowered his head and brushed his lips against the crook of his neck. Regulus’ entire body tensed as he held his breath.
“Okay.” He answered, his breath suddenly hitting Regulus’ skin, making him quiver at the sensation.
James backed out, suddenly breaking their physical contact, his hands up in surrender. Regulus had grabbed the doorframe behind him, and his eyes were closed. James had to gather every ounce of strength in his body to look and step away from him. He walked into the room again, faking an interest in the decoration. He heard Regulus relishing a shaky expiration behind him and restrained himself from smiling at the sound.
“This room isn’t that bad. I prefer yours, of course. But I don’t mind this one.” He announced in an innocent tone as if nothing had happened.
“Then come to mine,” Regulus answered neutrally.
James stopped whatever he was pretending to do and looked back at him. Regulus’ eyes were open now, and he was staring at him. “What?” He blinked several times.
“You heard me, Potter.”
“Pardon me for being a bit taken aback because it just seemed to me that you said out loud what I’ve been thinking about.”
“Je me retiens de t’insulter mais tu rends la tâche très difficile.”
“Oh, so we’re speaking French now, mon amour .”
“Where did you learn that?” He made a face to indicate that his accent was disastrous.
“Your dear brother has a lot of sweet nicknames for Remus, especially when he gets drunk. I thought this one sounded nice.” He paused, his eyebrows knitted together. “Wait, tell me it’s not a dirty nickname or anything.”
Regulus repressed a laugh but couldn’t stop a sly smile from appearing on his face. “It’s not. It means “my love”.”
“Perfect, I love it. I’ll call you that from now on.” He retorted proudly.
“Please don’t. You are butchering this language.”
“Then pronounce it, and I’ll try to learn how to say it correctly.”
“ Mon amour .” Regulus drawled for James to understand every nuance.
“Oh, Reg, stop flirting with me.” He said with a grin as he approached him again.
“Je vais finir par t’assassiner pendant ton sommeil.” He spat out.
“I have a feeling this isn’t very nice.”
“Oh, you think?” He asked innocently, taking the same tone James had earlier.
“I’m not going to lie. I love it when you’re mean to me.”
“James, you have serious issues.” His remark made him laugh, which was probably even more concerning. Regulus shook his head in disbelief. “We’re not going to spend the entire night exchanging by the door, are we? So let’s get to my room.” He gestured to the corridor before taking the lead.
“You’re very bossy; you know that? But I don’t mind. In fact, I’d follow you anywhere, mon amour.”
Regulus ignored him as per usual. It was becoming a habit for Regulus to either ignore him or roll his eyes at him. Although, James didn’t mind because he knew his stubbornness had an impact on Regulus. And that’s all that mattered to him. When James entered the room, Regulus was sitting cross-legged on his bed, waiting for him to join him. James didn’t need more to do so. Regulus observed him as he sat near him, close enough to enter his personal space but not enough for them to touch.
“Do you flirt with every person you encounter?” Regulus asked.
“Why, would you be jealous if I did?” James smiled, showing off his dimples.
“No, I would feel compassion for them.”
“You can feel compassion for others?” James feigned shock, to which Regulus answered with a flat look. After a pause, he clarified. “But if you must know, no, I don’t. Only to people I have an interest in. So, basically, only you.”
“You mean right now, but you must have in the past?”
“Not really. Nothing serious, at least. Just people I found beautiful but nothing more. I never really questioned my sexuality. I think I always knew I could be interested in anyone.” He paused. “But it’s more than attraction to me. I need to feel something. A sort of bond, if you will. I need to be pulled by the person to try something. And it never happened before you.”
“James, from our first encounter to now, I’ve done nothing but push you away.”
“With your words, yes. But something in you was telling me the opposite. That’s what I listened to.” He paused. “And I know you feel it too. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. But I know you would rather cut your tongue than say it. It doesn’t matter. I will say it for both of us.” Regulus was looking at him, and James stared right back. James offered a soft smile, devoid of any arrogance or play. Perhaps James let his mask slip away too. “You know, I always had this conviction that every human being is predestined to find their soulmate. Maybe it’s stupid or childish of me.” His words tainted with a laugh. He expected Regulus to make fun of him or to use his regular sarcasm, but he didn’t say anything. He kept staring at him, listening to every word he said. So James continued. “I think it’s something you feel before you know or question it. Like the two opposite poles of magnets are drawn to each other. I always felt drawn to you. I couldn’t help it and didn’t even try to fight it. It would have been in vain.” He stopped, trying to read Regulus’ eyes, but he wasn’t giving anything away. “Perhaps I could talk about it more if I felt any less.”
Regulus didn’t say anything at first. He kept his gaze fixed on him, expressionless. But then, he let his guard down. Abandoning the facade, he fought so hard to keep on. He moved his body slowly and rested his head on James’ shoulder.
James relished a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He felt whole again, like the first time he held him in his arm.
“You make me feel so alive,” Regulus murmured breathlessly.
And that was all he answered.
That was enough.
That was everything James needed.
That night, the expression of their love was silent. It resulted in intimate and delicate touches. Discovering the other’s figure. Each line, each trait. Breaking every wall, one by one. Listening to what words could never express as they held onto each other.
“I think you’re good for Sirius.” He didn’t know what time it was when Regulus spoke again. Nor for how long they had been in each other’s arms.
“Yeah?” he whispered, his head hidden in Regulus’ neck.
“You make him genuinely happy.” He paused, letting the silence of the night resume its due. “Can you promise me something?” He said lower than the rest as if revealing a secret.
“Anything, love.”
“Promise me you’ll stay by his side no matter what, even when it gets hard. Don’t abandon him.”
“Of course. I don’t ever plan on leaving Sirius, nor you.” He paused, eyebrows furrowed but also feeling the pressure of sleep taking over. “I promise.” He whispered. “Why are you asking me this?” He filled in.
“Because I can’t.”
James suddenly felt very sad, but he knew the conversation was over as soon as Regulus shifted his weight on him to bury his face in his chest. He didn’t fight it. And in a matter of seconds, they entrusted their bodies to the hands of Morpheus.
James lost track of the nights he spent by Regulus’ side. He didn’t get more sleep as he always tried to leave his room as late as possible. But ironically, James never felt more rested. Sirius didn’t seem to notice anything, so they kept living their little secret. Expressing during the night what they couldn’t during the day.
The last night they spent together before the return of their parents, James held Regulus like he never did before. He knew it would become more difficult and rare to see the other, even less, to spend time in the intimacy of the night. James wanted to savour every second, to grave them in his mind. So that he could create a little box with every memory, every touch, every word they exchanged and engrave the name Regulus Arcturus Black on it. His own treasure, something that could only belong to him.
James begged Regulus to do his best to come to his place whenever he could escape from the house. He begged him to find excuses, even if they could only meet for a few minutes, for a few seconds. As long as there were theirs, he didn’t need anything else. But Regulus’ answers were elusive. As if he wouldn’t allow himself to hope. In a sense, these last moments felt like goodbyes. James hated it.
James woke up to the sound of thunder. It had not started to rain yet. The sky was only menacing toward an eventual storm. James came down to his kitchen and observed outside through his window. That’s when he saw him sitting on one of the swing seats. His head rested against one of the ropes holding it. James put on the first shoes he came across and headed outside. A few days had passed since their last night in the Black residence. Once he was close enough to the swing, he hesitated.
“Reg?”
Regulus turned his head toward the sound. Their eyes met, and his expression softened.
“Hello, James.” There was something sad in his eyes James couldn’t quite point out. He had never seen this expression on him.
“Is everything okay?” James adventured.
Regulus suddenly avoided his eyes, breaking their exchange to change his gaze’s focus on the horizon.
“I’m not sure.” He murmured under his breath.
“Okay, now you’re scaring me,” James uttered in a shaky voice, sitting on the seat next to his. He reached out to Regulus’ thigh with his hand, trying to offer a comforting presence. Regulus flinched at his touch but didn’t move away from it. “Do you want to talk about it? What do you need me to do?”
He looked back at him, and a shy smile appeared on the tips of his lips but didn’t reach his eyes. They still glowed with this unknown sadness. However, they still looked right at James’ soul. And he’ll be damned, but this smile meant so much. He knew it meant so much, speaking more than words ever could. But James hated how apologetic this smile was. Please don’t apologise for loving me. James thought. Because this, this is what you’re implying to me. You love me. And you wish you didn’t.
“James, I need you to listen to me and not interrupt. Not once. Not unless I’m asking for an answer.” James slowly nodded, fixing his gaze on him as if he would disappear the very moment he would look away. Regulus took a deep breath, but it was weak and quavery. And James never needed to take him in his arm so hard before. But he didn’t. His hand still rested against his thigh, and he couldn’t even move his fingers. Don’t leave me. Please. Not yet. It’s too soon. The voice in his head implored. “You know, I really tried to keep you away from me. But you chased after me. As if I ever was reachable to you. But you should know better than to chase after a star.” He paused. Why does everything feel like farewells? How did we end up here? “I think I was startled, at first, when you spoke to me the very first time. I just couldn’t understand.” Regulus analysed his contours, scanning every trait, every line that composed his face. As if he were to never see it again. Then he looked away and pursued. “I couldn’t understand why you , out of all people. Someone I had never met before, a complete stranger. And yet, you ,” he pressed his finger against James’ chest. “You could see me. You could see me for who I was, and I,” he looked helplessly at the sky as if refraining tears from escaping his eyes. Letting his hand fall back down at his side. “I hated you for it.” There was anger and frustration in his voice, yet his bottom lip was quivering. “I fucking hated you for it, and a part of me still does. Because it isn’t fair. Because it shouldn’t have been you. It should have been Sirius. He should have been the one to see through it all. A part of me kept hanging to this idea that he still could. And god knows how hard I tried.” He laughed dryly. “I fucking tried. After our first conversation, I went to him. I tried everything, but it wasn’t working. Nothing was. He wasn’t hearing me. He wasn’t seeing me.” He tried to take a deeper breath, but his body didn’t let him, leaving him shaking. He took jerking breaths instead. “I wanted to burn the entire place down for him to notice me.” His eyes were full of tears. “He is my older brother. He should have been there for me. He should have protected me.” He spat out, his anger surging again in a mix of tears and rage. “But he didn’t, James,” And when he said his name, his tone was imploring. James knew he would burn the whole world down for the sound Regulus just made. “And a part of me will always resent him for it while the other knows he did his best with what he had. Blaming him is just another way to refrain from blaming myself. It isn’t fair to him, but I can’t help to feel angry because I needed him, and I need him more than ever now.”
He stopped talking for some time. He brought his sleeve to his eyes and angrily swiped his tears away. James had so many questions. He felt distraught and lost, understanding half of what he was saying. But James didn’t talk. He just stared at him, hoping it would be enough, for now, trying to communicate - with his eyes - everything he couldn’t verbalise. He didn’t want Regulus to close himself away again. It was the first time he talked about his feelings. The first time he mentioned his emotions in such depth. James was grateful he trusted him enough to open up. But, a part of him was terrified it would be the first and last time.
“But in the end, it was you,” he started again. “And I’m so grateful for you.” He darted his eyes on him again. And James couldn’t help but think, Hello again, lover, I missed you .
“But James, we were doomed from the very start, and you had no idea. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wish I had the courage to, but that’s the problem with me, isn’t it? Always staying silent when I shouldn’t. Never being enough.” James wanted to cup his face with his hands and scream that he was wrong. So very wrong. As a matter of fact, he couldn’t be more wrong because Regulus was everything to him. He was more than he could have ever dreamed of. But he respected his will and remained silent, to not interrupt him. “But the reason why I didn’t tell you was because you were everything I needed, everything I wanted. So despite my obstination, I ended up being selfish. Treasuring every moment I had the chance to spend with you.” He smiled at the mention of their secret idyll. “And I think it’s thanks to you that I decided to move on and to let go. To stop hanging on a disillusion. I know it isn’t fair to you. No one deserves this. I wished I hadn’t hurt you in the way. But I want you to know that I’m sorry for everything.” He stopped for some time. “The only comfort I get is to know you won’t be alone.” He paused and took James’ hands in his. “I couldn’t be more grateful for your existence. And I wished we had met before. Perhaps then you could have done what I expected Sirius to do. It’s funny how time works, isn’t it? He laughed humourlessly, but it flattered as fast as it appeared. “Before you’re even aware of it, it’s already too late.”
Regulus dropped one of Jame’s hands to bring his to his face. He stroked his cheek before leaning over to kiss him. James instinctively closed his eyes, breaking the contact he had kept since the moment he saw him this morning. But oh, he felt good to replace it with this. He kissed him like no one ever did before. It had an urgency to it, but - somehow - none of it felt rushed. He poured all of the emotions he had left into it, and James responded with as much passion. His lips were soft and cold. James felt like he could drown in him, addicted to the feeling of Regulus’ skin against his. He clung to his lips like it was air to his lungs. He didn’t feel like he could ever get enough of him. And it was where the irony lay because there was only one possible answer for such an embrace. Goodbyes.
He stayed immobile long after Regulus’ lips left his, refusing to open his eyes again, to face the reality of it. His head was spinning, and too many thoughts danced in his head. Why did Regulus think them doomed from the start? Why put an end to it now? Why today? What didn’t Sirius do that he should have? Why was his chest so heavy from the very moment he captured his silhouette through his window? Did he do something wrong? He would do anything to fix whatever caused all of this. He would rip off his heart from his chest to give it to him if he had to. If only he would let him save them.
He had no idea how long he had closed his eyes, but when he opened them again: Regulus was gone. His worst nightmare, what he had been afraid of, had just become a reality. Everything jostled in his mind, no longer fully conscious of his movements. As if suddenly unaware he owned a body. When did he stand up from the swing seat? He had no idea. When did he start running, screaming Regulus’ name? He couldn’t tell. His vision was blurry, and his tears were cold on his cheeks. His lungs were burning in his chest, imploring him to breathe, to stop for an instant. But how could he when Regulus wasn’t on his side anymore? How could his body dare to give him any other sensation than the sorrow from his loss?
His body naturally took him to Grimmauld Place. Ironically enough, it was Sirius who was standing on the porch. His expression immediately changed as soon as he saw James. He probably was in a disastrous and concerning state. His eyes grew wide, and he ran to him, placing his hands on his shoulders. James couldn’t hear anything. All he could discern was Sirius’ lips moving at a lively pace. Eventually, the muffled sound of his voice made its way to his eardrums.
“James! James, what’s going on? Please, James, answer me.” He shook him by his shoulders in a desperate attempt to bring him back to his senses. And it worked because everything came back to him all at once. He tried to take a deep breath and grabbed Sirius’ arms. He locked his eyes with him, taken by a sudden wave of panic.
“Sirius, I know you asked me never to talk about your brother or even ask questions about him. But I need to know. P-Please, I- I can’t do this. I need you to tell me.” He said in a single breath, his gaze dodging between Sirius’ left and right eyes.
“James, I need you to calm down and explain to me what the hell you’re talking about.”
“Have you seen Reg? Has he come home? We were talking, and he suddenly left. Everything felt like goodbyes. I don’t understand anything, and I-I can’t…I can’t fucking breathe.” He choked on his tears, muffling a gut-wrenching sob.
Sirius’ expression entirely changed in a matter of seconds. His eyes were stony. The warmth that he welcomed James with was now gone. His jaw and face muscles tensed as he resumed talking.
“Are you making some kind of joke to me? Because I’m telling you that it isn’t funny in the slightest.” He looked at him as if he was insane. And James couldn’t understand why. Why did no one make any sense today?
“What? No. No, of course not.” He shook his head and freed himself from Sirius’ touch, jerking away from him with a violence he didn’t know he had in him. He was mad because Sirius didn’t take him seriously. He wasn’t listening. “Why would I even joke about that.” He was defensive now.
“James.” He stopped to ensure he would assimilate each word he was about to say. “My brother is dead. H-He died two years ago.” James could feel all of the pain in his voice. “James, he drowned himself. My brother is dead.” He was crying too.
Oh.
Oh.
Everything made sense now.
The world couldn’t stop spinning until he hit the ground.
He wished he had been wrong in his beliefs.
He wished he hadn’t met his soulmate in death.
He wished his love could have been enough to save him, but how, when it bloomed far too late?
The day James lost Regulus, the sun never rose. As if mourning the loss of their love.
And the night James lost Regulus, his star shone more vividly in the night sky.
Regulus Arcturus Black was aptly named, casting his light long after he died.