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Steve hadn’t properly been out to Lake Jordan before. While he’d taken plenty of girls out to Skull Rock by Lovers’ Lake, and gone to a couple of bonfire parties down here, his weekend getaways to the water had always tended to be out to his family beach house. He was used to the raucous noise of children on the beach, the smell of salt, the warm, grainy sand beneath his toes, and the endless, sun-sparkling blue of the ocean stretching endlessly before him.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like being out at a lake - his countless summer camps with lakes just like this one were some of the best memories Steve had from his childhood. So truthfully, (and reasonably so, he thought) he was holding a bit of a grudge against the ugly demon wizard asshole they’d flambé’d during spring break for ruining how much he loved being in places like this. Just like the Demogorgon had completely destroyed Steve’s ability to ever use his pool ever again. Maybe he hadn’t been Vecna’d, or Flayed, or properly hunted by the Demogorgon or anything, but the Upside Down had truly still managed to fuck up one of the few things Steve loved in his life: swimming.
That had been the whole point of him agreeing to this though, even if the others didn’t (really) know it. Face your fears, punch your trauma in the face, etcetera, etcetera (he was definitely misquoting Robin but Steve wasn’t really the kind of person to know how to do anything anyway except head on). Besides, he wanted the others to have a break - their finals stress was stressing Steve out and he’d been adamant not to give high school a second thought from the second he left - and he knew it would be good for the kids to get out of Hawkins for a weekend, take some time to just be kids.
And as Steve made the turn down the dirt road towards Lake Jordan and the first glimpse of the lake came into view, even he couldn’t help but admire the beauty of this place, in spite of his clammy hands and the sweat on the back of his neck that he would blame on the sun beating down on him through his window if anybody asked. The lake stretched out far and wide, the water glistening in the early evening sunshine, smooth and still as if it were in a painting on a museum wall. A wooden jetty stretched out across the water and trees stretched halfway around the edge of the lake, making the edges of the water shaded as the sun dipped lower in the sky. Steve brought the car to a stop near the front of the lake house and reluctantly pulled up the handbrake.
Fuck.
He’d hoped that just being here, seeing the still water rippling with evening light and the quiet hum of the woods around them would reassure him that he was fine , that the nightmares that had him startling awake in the middle of the night, feeling like there was water in his lungs and vines around his middle, were just that: nightmares. Water hadn’t even featured in his nightmares until this trip had been decided on - up until then, they had mainly featured Max floating in a graveyard, Lucas screaming himself hoarse, himself, Nancy, and Robin with vines winding around their necks, wrists, and ankles, Eddie lying in a pool of his own blood in Dustin’s arms, and any number of situations where he’d lost the kids in the Upside Down. And then Robin had suggested going out to the lake and everyone looked so excited at the prospect, and Nancy’s hand on Steve’s knee had felt enough of a reassurance at the time, and so he’d plastered a smile on his face and thrown in his agreement too.
Except now they were here and his skin was prickling and the water seemed to be getting blacker by the second, taunting him.
“Holy shit, it looks so nice,” said Mike, half falling out the window trying to look out at the water. Steve bit back a scoff. It probably does look nice to everyone who doesn’t have an irrational fear of hell creatures drowning them , he told himself firmly.
“Bet I can get down there before you!” challenged Lucas.
“I’m taller than you,” said Mike with a scoff.
“Yeah, and I’m on the basketball team , I can actually run -”
Mike, Lucas, and Dustin piled out of the stuffy car, pushing and shoving as they took off in the direction of the water and looking suspiciously as though they were going to jump in as they were, clothes and all. Vines wound around Steve’s throat, his lungs constricting, and maybe the sharp inhale he made was actually out loud and not in his head, but he was too busy trying to find his tongue and missed the way Nancy’s eyes snapped towards him.
He pushed open his door and shouted “Okay, hang on dickheads, just wait a sec -”
“Steve, they’re fine -” said Nancy, but she sounded a little too much like she was about to take that Nancy Wheeler interrogative look in her eye and buckle down until she had him telling her everything. So he shook her off and followed the kids down towards the water as Max, El, and Will jogged down from where Eddie’s car had pulled up.
He was just being responsible, Steve told himself. He was not narrowly avoiding losing all of these kids to monsters that belonged in nightmares and the subsequent end of the world only to lose them to some other monstrous creature lurking beneath the eerily still lake surface instead. Just being responsible.
“What is it?” said Dustin impatiently.
“Let me check the water,” said Steve.
“Check the water?” echoed Dustin. “For what ? Alligators? This is Indiana , Steve -”
“Excuse me, which one of us has been a lifeguard longer than you’ve had teeth?” said Steve sharply and Dustin’s mouth snapped shut. He glared at Steve but relented, gesturing flourishingly towards the water.
“What do we need to check?” asked El, genuinely curious with the sweet, naive innocence that Steve wanted to wrap up and protect from this whole terrible world that had already put her through the wringer.
“Temperature,” invented Steve, wracking his brain for any kind of safety tips he remembered his camp counsellors listing off when it came to swimming out in the lake. “At this time of the year, water should be pretty freezing, no matter how warm the sun is so if the water’s warm, might be something weird going on there. Sometimes people are assholes and dump oil, or sewage, or just waste nearby in the woods that could flow down to the water. You’ll know there’s something gross in here if the water’s kind of frothy, or has weird, yellow bubbles or something. Or if it’s slick, like oil.” Wow, he’d really gotten better at lying.
The kids seemed to believe it though, and they let Steve through to crouch down at the edge of the jetty and dip the hand he was desperately forcing not to shake into the water. The second his skin touched it, cool and still and lapping softly from the light breeze, all he could feel was vines around his ankle, water filling his mouth and lungs as he screamed pointlessly and was dragged down to the bottom of the lake, through the disgusting, pulsing, fleshy gate, and slammed onto the cold, hard, rock of the Upside Down.
He recoiled his hand with so much ferocity that it splashed Max a little.
“Hey!” she said, and naturally assuming he was just playing around, she skimmed her shoe over the surface of the lake and kicked water at him. The second it hit his face, his lungs burned all over again and he was underwater, couldn’t surface, couldn’t get any air -
He stood a little too quickly and his head spun. Whether he was better at masking it than he felt, or if the kids were just extra excited to go swimming, he wasn’t sure, but none of them seemed to notice his suffocating panic.
“ So ?” demanded Dustin with that damn tone . “Is it fine? Can we swim?”
Steve vaguely registered himself saying, “Yeah, it’s fine.” but his voice sounded far away in his own ears, like somebody else was playing a recording of him saying what needed to be said.
The kids cheered, Mike tugging off his shirt and Lucas not even bothering, kicking off his shoes and sprinting off the jetty, causing such a splash that Max and Will yelped as the spray hit them. Steve stumbled away from the splash radius, flinching when a few droplets hit the back of his neck.
Find an excuse, find an excuse .
Nancy, Eddie, Jonathan, and Robin were unloading the cars and Steve knew without a doubt that they would see through him the second he was close enough for them to notice the wild, panicked look in his eyes. He pulled together every little bit of the facade he’d gotten a little too used to plastering on over these last few years (maybe longer).
“Hey Nance!” he called, relieved when his voice didn’t shake. “Do we need to turn anything on? Electricity, gas, hot water?”
“Yeah, the mains are out back!”
Steve gave her a thumbs up and ducked around the trees as fast as his legs would take him, through the undergrowth and bush and the remnants of fallen winter leaves crunching beneath his shoes along the path that wound round the big, wooden lakehouse.
The ground was a comfort. The ground was solid and unmoving, all trees and dirt and none of the fluid, malleability of water that had once been something he loved so much.
Steve collapsed a little, leaning against the back of the house and letting his head fall back against the wood with a slightly painful thud. He winced, but the pain was good too. Reminded him that this was real, that he wasn’t drowning, because as long as the pain was from his head and not from his lungs burning, he was safe and on ground and not drowning.
He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. He could breathe. There was no water in his lungs. Another breath. Then another, and another, until he no longer felt lightheaded and his skin didn’t feel like it was surrounded by the icy murk of Lovers’ Lake.
So swimming was clearly out of the question. And how he was meant to find an excuse for that for four days, Steve was also running a blank.
Fuck, this was going to be a long weekend.
Robin was the one who brought it up, late on Friday night, once she, Steve, Eddie, Nancy and Jonathan were sprawled across the couch and armchairs that filled one corner of the open plan kitchen and lounge space.
Earlier that afternoon, when rain had started to fall and ruined any chance of outdoor adventures, Eddie had whipped out an impromptu D&D one-shot for the kids. The high energy buzz they’d been on since - animatedly recalling the excitement of nat-20s and narrow death saves and the plot twists Eddie seemed to pull out of nowhere - had drained enough of their energy that they’d dragged themselves off to bed early, leaving the five teenagers with the whole downstairs to themselves for the night.
While the kids had been fully absorbed in the one-shot, Robin had asked Steve if he wanted to have a mid-drizzle wander around the lake with her and he’d declined far from subtly. Not that he’d lied to her; he was enjoying being here, enjoying the comforting hum of the rain thundering down onto the roof and Nancy’s back warm against his legs as she re-read Little Women for probably the five millionth time. Steve liked watching the way Eddie’s energy seemed more focused once he had a storyline laid out in front of him, the way he captured everyone’s attention in the dramatic tales of magic and mystery he weaved. Steve would never understand how he just came up with this stuff. He’d never admit it to Eddie’s face, but it was kind of spectacular. There was something so captivating about the way Eddie’s mouth would curl up into a grin when things went exactly as he’d planned, and the way the kids’ jaws would drop in surprise when he caught them off guard with a particularly well-planned reveal.
And then there was Will, who’d caught just as much of Steve’s attention earlier with his awed smiles and the way he’d effortlessly bounced off of Eddie, tumbling the story into new, elaborate depths that even seemed to catch Eddie with awestruck surprise. Will seemed more at ease here in an unfamiliar cabin with dice in his hand and a map of a fantasy land spread out in front of him than he’d been since everything with Venca went down.
So, sure, Steve wasn’t lying to Robin about wanting to stay settled here, where it was comfortable and warm and cosy. Safe. And maybe it was that last one that had snagged Robin’s attention, that had been why his stomach lurched at Robin’s suggestion and made her narrow her eyes with gentle but avid suspicion. He could see, with crystal clarity, her piecing together the way he’d avoided going near the water the previous evening when the kids were swimming, or at any point that morning when Nancy, Robin, Eddie and Jonathan were all dipping in and out of the lake too. Robin was no Nancy, but she was still four-languages, five-musical-instruments, all-the-pop-culture-knowledge-in-the-world smart, and armed with rapid-fire wit, biting sarcasm, and the terrifying depth with which she knew him, there were times when Steve was more afraid of Robin’s interrogations than Nancy’s.
Now was definitely one of those times.
“Steve,” she said quietly and pointedly from where her long limbs were draped beside him on the couch in some bizarre entanglement that Steve was sure couldn’t possibly be comfortable. She tilted her head, eyes too discerning and Jesus Christ, she really was hanging out with Nancy too much because when did she figure out how to give him that look? But somehow, her words were gentle, still so Robin when she asked, “How’re you doing?”
He wanted desperately to pretend he didn’t know what she was talking about. But the split second he thought about faking obliviousness, Robin gave him a gentle but firm don’t lie to me look and he sighed, sinking further into the couch and shrugging one shoulder. He was suddenly aware that despite Nancy’s eyes still on her book, and Jonathan flipping through photographs he was sorting for the yearbook, and Eddie’s scribbling in his notebook, all three of them were very evidently trying (and failing) to listen out for his answer. Steve bit back the urge to laugh with a mixture of both fondness and exasperation. Maybe if he slouched enough, the cushions would bury him.
“The lake’s giving me the creeps,” he admitted, and you know what, yeah, that was the truth. A very stripped back version of it but it was the truth. And in the spirit of being honest, Steve wasn’t actually sure if he’d even be able to give her more than that right now. Robin nodded as though he’d said what she expected him to, or maybe she read his mind (jury was still up on whether the telepathy they joked about was actually real, because they already knew one person with telekinetic abilities and Steve was about 85% sure he and Robin shared several brain cells). She shuffled around a little on the couch so she could rest her head on his shoulder, knocking her socked feet against his ankles with the uniquely clumsy, unapologetic, Robin Buckley kind of physical affection he’d become so dependent on.
“Like, right now because it’s dark outside and your recent annual horror movie encounter involved creepy lakes at night?” she said, the tone of her voice making it all too clear that she knew the answer was definitely no.
Steve sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “No,” he said truthfully. “Like, all day, even when the sun was out and the kids were swimming and it looked like a scenic fucking painting.” He couldn’t stop himself from shivering.
“How bad?” asked Jonathan, his eyes steadfastly concerned in a way that was so reminiscent of Joyce.
“It’s fine,” Steve said but he was immediately met with four immediate, incredulous expressions of disbelief. If it wasn’t so frustrating for him in that moment, he would’ve laughed. Instead, he groaned, digging his thumb and forefinger into his eyes. “Look, it’s - it’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it. Exposure therapy or whatever, right? Being out here will be good, I’m sure by the time summer rolls around, it’ll be a non issue.”
“Steve,” said Nancy, twisting her body to look sternly at him and Steve almost physically quailed at the expression on her face. “I hate that I have to use this word, but stop bullshitting us.” Steve couldn’t help his snort of laughter and Nancy’s lips curved upwards too, a fondly exasperated glint in her eye. “Seriously,” she said, a little softer. “How many times do we all have to sit in Eddie’s living room at 1am not wanting to go home because we know it’ll be a bad night? It’s us. ”
That was the thing - it was them. Them. These four. Nancy Wheeler, Jonathan Byers, Robin Buckley, and Eddie Munson. Every single one of them just as unlikely as the next to have even remotely been someone Steve would’ve pegged as being his best friends one day, but now, they were the people he had no idea how he had ever lived without. Even Eddie, who hadn’t chimed in yet but had looked up from where he sat draped across the armchair with equal measures of absurd leg placement as Robin, his expression more surprised than anything else, as though he’d never expected Steve Harrington to be pacing anxious circles around the thought of touching the water.
God. Especially Eddie, it turned out. Eddie, whose house had begun feeling more like a home than Steve’s had in years, maybe ever. Eddie, who stocked Steve’s favourite brand of beer in his fridge even though he complained endlessly about his fucked up rich person palette. Eddie, who had kept Steve’s old ‘83 basketball sweatshirt draped over the footboard of his bed and had no apparent intentions to return it a full month after Steve had lent it to him. Eddie, who loved Dustin (and all the other kids) with the fierce, exasperated devotion that Steve had thought nobody else would understand.
Eddie, who looked at him now with an unexpected gentleness that even a month and a half into them being friends, still threw Steve. And somehow, prompted an inexplicable urge to be honest.
“Every time I get close to the water I just … freeze,” he said, looking down at his hands. “Kinda feels like panic, I think.” He didn’t think, he knew, but he was afraid of their pity.
“Can we help?” asked Eddie, leaning forward a little with his arms resting on his knees. Steve wasn’t sure why his concern and attention specifically made his palms sweat a little, more than even Nancy’s fierce, interrogatory stare.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m …” He searched for any kind of adequate word. “… managing.” It wasn’t a lie. Not really. Not when he didn’t even know what they could have done to help even if he’d been willing to let them in.
“Managing,” repeated Robin, sounding far from convinced.
“Yes, managing ,” Steve shot back, sticking his toes into the crease behind her knee and making Robin yelp and squirm away from him. He ignored the other three’s sceptical looks. “I am, okay? If you guys wanna help, then help me cover with the kids when they ask why I’m not swimming. I don’t wanna ruin their weekend with all of my shit.”
Robin and Nancy shared an indecipherable look that made Steve - in the fondest, most loving way possible, of course - want to fling cushions at them both and tell them to fuck off. Maybe Eddie could see that on Steve’s face because the faintest hint of an otherwise out-of-place amused smile quirked the corners of his mouth upwards. It was oddly comforting, made Steve feel less like he and his traumas were onstage for them to all assess.
“One condition,” said Jonathan. He waited for Steve’s reluctant nod before continuing. “We cover for you with the kids if you promise to talk to at least one of us if and when you need to.”
Steve opened his mouth to argue - argue what exactly he wasn’t sure, something along the lines of I’m fine again - but Robin’s hand was suddenly on his thigh, thumb running a gentle circle just above his knee.
“Steve,” she said softly, imploringly, worriedly. Way too similar to how she’d said his name that insane day back in the Starcourt toilet stall. Steve caved.
“Fine,” he said quietly, barely more than a whisper. Robin offered him a hesitant smile tinged with apology for forcing him into Jonathan’s condition, and Steve curled his hand over hers still on his leg. He was grateful, even through his frustration.
“Preparation is key to a good story,” said Eddie, stretching his arms out above his head before pillowing his head with his hands. “We should have excuses to choose from.”
“What do you suggest Munson?” said Nancy, evidently having noticed Steve’s silent desperation for the conversation to be diverted from Jonathan’s ultimatum.
“Well, there’s the simple ones if you want to be boring,” said Eddie. “Y’know. Steve’s coming down with a cold, doesn’t wanna risk swimming. Also believable would be stitches pulling from the demo-bat scars, I could back you up there, say mine are feeling kinda rough too. If you still want to be dull , you get headaches sometimes, right Stevie? None of the kids are here right now, could say you got one tonight and you’re playing it safe tomorrow.”
Steve blinked. How did Eddie know that? He barely got headaches that often anymore, and Robin was the only person he’d told about the one he got since spring break so that she could cover his work shift.
“Yeah, that uh -” He brushed his surprise away with a shake of his head. “Those all sound like they’d fly, even with those nosy little assholes.”
“Okay but this is what I’m saying ,” said Eddie. “Henderson’s an inquisitive little shit , you’ve gotta be more creative than that. I think we come up with an elaborate story where Stevie and Nance had some kind of romantic getaway out here and one of the other rich getaway-ers caught them and there’s this whole scandal amongst the Lovers Lake residents -”
“Oh my god Eddie,” said Nancy, slapping a hand to her forehead as Jonathan and Robin both descended into guffawed, muffled laughter as they attempted not to wake the kids. Steve was rolling his eyes, purely on instinct, before he could even properly think about it. Eddie shot him a grin as he continued his elaborate story that seemed to get more ridiculous with every second word that came from his mouth. There was sincere, sweet concern lingering behind his mischievous expression, but unlike the others, there was no expectation behind it. Steve knew part of that was because Eddie hadn’t known him nearly as long as the other three, but the rest of it felt suspiciously like that inexplicable comfort Steve had started to associate with Eddie. Steve didn’t know what to do with it on a normal day, let alone right now, but thankfully, Robin and Jonathan joining in with insane excuses of their own to match Eddie’s steered the conversation resolutely away from the depths it had been in, back to something lighter.
(“Seriously though,” Robin said quietly, a little later when Eddie, Nancy and Jonathan were distracted by a different conversation, “we’ve got your back.”
A small flicker of guilt licked at his sides, pulling at his scars as though from the inside. The rational thoughts in his brain began listing truths (and the voice sounded suspiciously like Nancy’s), the top one being an unhelpful reminder that if he let them, every single person in this room wouldn’t hesitate for a second to have his back, to be whatever kind of support he asked (or didn’t ask) for. But then his voice, far from rational and a little recklessly idiotic like he tended to be, chimed in with a you take care of them, not the other way round.
He could feel Robin’s eyes on him. She stayed quiet, but fuck, he was an open book to her, even ( especially ) when he didn’t want to be. She didn’t say anything though, not with Nancy, Eddie, and Jonathan in earshot, just tucked her face into his shoulder, pressing closer to him as though the closer she got, the more she could maybe absorb his fear and take it away. Steve pressed his cheek against her hair and let her try.)
Unfortunately for Steve, Friday's terrible weather didn’t last and when he awoke on Saturday the sun was already creeping up in the beautiful, cloudless sky. He was the first one up, so had half an hour entirely to himself sitting at the breakfast bar with a steaming mug of coffee before any signs of life came from any of the other bedrooms. The moment the kids were awake though they were racing to get changed, fighting each other for space before sprinting down towards the water with a speed that made his stomach turn. He opted for the headache lie, and although Dustin whined a little about him being boring, the other teenagers hadn’t yet stirred from bed, so he was eventually left to keep them company.
Honestly, even if he had been willing to swim, he’d rather see this: Nancy, leaving the room she and Robin were sharing for the weekend in shorts and a borrowed sweater, scrambling to find coffee because she’d been woken up by the kids as they left and she wasn’t quite awake enough to hold a conversation yet. Jonathan, following shortly after, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Eddie, curls a complete mess from sleeping on his hair at an odd angle, appearing a little later and giving him an unexpected sleepy grin before squeezing into the gap beside Steve on the couch, still so warm from being in his bed. Robin, standing in the doorway, her hair falling loose and uncontrolled around her face, her gaze drawn to Nancy who gave her a sweet, oblivious smile and somehow didn’t appear to notice Robin’s brain visibly short circuiting either.
They were an interesting pair to observe. Well, pair being a loose term - Robin would slap him the moment he knew he’d internally referred to her and Nancy like that, not that he ever intended on bringing it up.
It happened later, too:
If he’d been in the water, he probably would’ve been distracted by swimming so wouldn’t have seen the way Robin’s eyes flickered over Nancy as she left the lake house in just her bikini, her hair tied in a loose bun on the top of her head but with a few wisps escaping down her neck, which would have been a tragedy . Because although Robin mentioning her crush on Nancy to him had made him re-examine some previous interactions he’d observed between them in a new light, he hadn’t seen much evidence of it in the past few days. (He suspected that was because Robin was dedicating at least half of her energy into making sure it slipped completely under the radar, which he wished she didn’t have to.)
This though. This wasn’t subtle.
He and Robin were sitting on the wooden veranda that wrapped around the front and side of the lake house, looking out across the lake but still keeping enough distance that he almost didn’t feel so vulnerable. He was certain that was why Robin had picked this spot. Plus the outdoor furniture up here was comfy, and the trees growing up by the house cast dappled shade over them both as they observed the kids playing around them and Jonathan and Eddie talking much closer to the waters’ edge. In fact, if she’d known Nancy would walk out into the decking like this moments after they’d sat down, he was certain Robin would’ve picked a spot much further away - but she hadn’t.
So here they were, with Nancy stepping barefoot out onto the veranda and sending them a warm smile as she caught sight of them, then heading in their direction. Out of the corner of his eye Steve saw Robin swallow, dragging her eyes away from Nancy and over to him, wide, awestruck, helpless, and a little overwhelmed, all feelings that tugged at his chest a little with familiarity. He’d seen the look on Robin’s face in the mirror often enough to recognise it, no matter how much she was trying to make sure no one had the opportunity to. When she reached them, Nancy rested a hand lightly on Robin’s shoulder, looking between them and then over to the water, leaning a little into Robin’s space as she did so. Steve was fairly sure Robin blanked on the entire conversation that came next, because she looked just as dazed when Nancy headed off towards the water as she had when Nancy had first appeared.
Steve snorted with laughter.
I mean, yeah. He got it. He really, really got it - because Nancy was Nancy . And sure, there weren’t any romantic feelings between them anymore, but he wasn’t blind and Nancy was stunning, especially with a faint tan from the time she’d spent in the sun and a dusting of freckles on her shoulders that Robin presumably had no idea appeared every summer. Robin kicked his shin under the table, her mumbled “Fuck off” completely ignored as he leant one elbow on the table, chin propped up on his hand, one eyebrow raised.
“We’re not talking about it,” Robin said firmly, refusing to meet his eyes but completely giving herself away by getting distracted (again) by Nancy as she jumped off the jetty and into the water, landing right next to Eddie. Steve looked away sharply, vines curling around his lungs as Nancy disappeared under the surface of the water, leaving just a splash and some air bubbles behind.
Robin tilted her head to one side, because he was being fucking transparent and after the conversation they’d had the night before, no way was she going to ignore this - but then, surprisingly, Steve got to choose. “We talk about both, or neither.”
That was cruel, but Robin knew exactly what she was doing.
He didn’t have to voice his choice ( neither ) out loud - he just nodded in acknowledgement, and Robin looped her ankle lightly around his under the table.
So in hindsight, offering to teach El to swim when he couldn’t even bring himself to touch the water probably wasn’t the smartest idea Steve had ever had.
But hey, he’d never claimed to be the smart one out of this group. His job was to protect and make sure these kids knew they were safe and had every chance to go back to normal after all this shit they’d been through. Especially El, who’d never had anything normal to begin with and her one chance at normalcy had been in the wake of losing Hopper and having to deal with the vicious cruelty of high school bullies. Now, even after getting away from the things that had made life so difficult in California, El had to watch all her friends get some kind of normal in returning to school while she was stuck at home.
(It had taken some considerable arguing and teenage meltdowns about missing out for El to understand where Joyce and Hopper were coming from in their determination to keep her away from school for the rest of the school year and for the summer. Thankfully, the other kids had convinced El that it was the right choice and when Max and Will agreed to also go to the government offered therapist (who’d been briefed on everything Upside Down related), El relented and agreed to spend the next six months working through all the dredged up trauma she’d never fully had a chance to process.)
But now - this weekend out here - was a moment of actual normalcy that El could hang onto and Steve was determined to give it to her.
He didn’t know how it had taken him until Saturday morning to notice that while all of the other kids had been in and out of the water, she hadn’t. Probably because until that point, the others had made sure not to all be swimming at the same time so she still had friends to explore with, climbing the trees around the side of the lake and playing ball games he didn’t follow the rules of or sitting on the jetty talking, occasionally kicking water at those swimming and squealing with the purest, most uplifting laughter when they splashed her back. But Saturday morning had been too perfect, too tempting with the water sparkling and fresh as it lapped against the pebbled shoreline, the rain clouds from the night before now completely cleared and revealing a perfectly blue, cloudless sky.
(Steve had been a little awestruck when he stepped out of the lake house in the morning, stunned into silence as he took in the sharp, lush, crispness of the lake and trees and the quiet, musical twinkle of birdsong high above them.
“Holy shit,” a hushed, reverent voice behind him said in a soft exhalation and Steve glanced over his shoulder to see Eddie stepping out onto the veranda to join him, eyes wide with the same astonished awe Steve felt.
“Cool, huh?” said Steve, leaning against the wooden post next to him and resting his coffee on the ledge by his hip.
“Yeah,” said Eddie, resting his arms against the same ledge. The usual snarky, mischievous, intimidating edges of his eyes and smile seemed to soften in the golden glow of the morning sun. “Really makes you glad to not have died in the Hell version of Lovers Lake, huh?”
Steve just laughed.)
(All the other kids were clearly longing to swim from the second they woke up and El, for all the ways the lab had fucked up her ability to understand regular life and regular people, had been the first to insist that they do, insisting that she didn’t need a babysitter all day while they were all out in the water. But Steve could read these kids like an open book, even Will and El, who he knew the least. He’d seen the sad, wistful look in El’s eyes as she sat on the edge of the jetty, toes skimming the water as she watched Mike, Will, and Lucas take turns dunking each other under the water (with increasingly shocking profanity that Steve didn’t even know they knew ).
Dustin and Max didn’t stray as deep into the water, sometimes climbing back up the jetty to keep El company but also frequently returning to the shallows to alleviate the heat of the sun. Dustin had told Steve last summer that he wasn’t the strongest swimmer because his mom had always been worried about his cleidocranial dysplasia, scared of the possible consequences of him roughing around with other kids. Steve had offered to teach him, but Dustin brushed it off, reminded him that he wasn’t really an outdoorsy kind of person anyway so he didn’t really care. Steve knew Max could swim, having grown up in California, but the mild wrist and knee fractures, and the elbow sprain she’d suffered from getting Vecna’d longer than Will and Lucas had left her equally cautious. Steve still hadn’t seen her on her skateboard yet since spring break.
But even Dustin and Max ventured out into the water every so often, the other three boys knowing not to splash too much or try dunking them, and El watched without complaint, without bitterness, without reproach. Her longing was clear as day though, and Steve wasn’t the kind of person who could ever really be okay with the people he loved being sad. Especially these kids.
Smothering his unease at the sound of the water lapping at the wooden posts of the jetty, Steve wandered over to sit next to El. He didn’t hang his feet down like she was, but she didn’t ask, just shot him a small smile and rested her chin on her knee as she watched Will throw Mike off one of the inflatable tubes they’d brought with them. That itch on the back of Steve’s neck from his proximity to the water still made his skin tickle, but he exhaled through his teeth and tried to remind himself of the quiet wonder he’d felt this morning on the porch with Eddie. It truly was beautiful, and the quiet out in the woods was a welcome change from the small but persistent bustle of Hawkins as the weather picked up. Even if he hadn’t managed to force himself into the water yet, Steve really had been loving the past couple of days they’d spent here. He wondered if El had too.
Eventually, she pulled her legs out of the water, tucking them cross legged underneath her. “I’ve only been in the water when I’m … you know. In a sensory deprivation tank.” She spoke quietly, careful not to let her words carry in the slight breeze to where the other kids were. Steve tensed, willing himself not to react. Fuck , how did he forget ?
“You don’t have to get in,” he said softly.
El gazed wistfully out at the water. “It’s not that,” she said. “I want to. I just … don’t know how to swim. And I’m -” She took a deep breath, fingers curling around the edge of the jetty. “I’m scared of going under because it’ll be dark,” she said, quieter than before, voice shaking a little. “Like the in-between, whenever I was in the tanks.”
Steve had been the strongest swimmer in his grade since he was 8. His parents sent him to swim camp and he returned to Hawkins wanting to one day swim at the Olympics. He went to swim camp every year after that until high school, when he started training to become a lifeguard at the beach he and his family vacationed at every August. He was co-swim captain through junior and senior year. He taught all of his cousins how to swim on family holidays. Up until Barb’s death, he’d swim in his backyard pool from the very first warm days in April to the very last of them in October, always wanting the chance to spend every waking second in the water. It had always been the one place the world was quiet. It was his . Up until the Upside Down and Vecna and the demo-bats and Lovers Lake had come along and blown it all to hell. (Literally.)
“I can teach you how to swim if you want,” he said to El, not quite registering what he was offering until the words had left his mouth. Wait, hang on, what had he just -
El’s head snapped over to him, her eyes wide with hesitance but also, finally , a hopeful light that made Steve’s panic slow from a raging boil to a faint simmer. “You can?” she said earnestly.
God, Steve loved these kids. Even (especially) El, who he knew less than any of them. Exposure therapy, right? It’ll be fine.
“‘Course I can kid,” he said, smiling at her. “Hawkins High swim captain and lifeguard, remember? And I’ll go under with you and I can hold your hands so you know I’m still there. That you’re not lost in that place.” El surged forward to hug him before he could even blink, so emphatic that it took Steve’s breath away. He laughed, giving her a gentle squeeze. “I know you guys are going exploring later today, so how about we sneak a lesson in tomorrow morning, huh? We can make it a project or something. By the end of summer, you’ll know how to swim. Deal?”
He held out his hand and she immediately shook it, her entire face alight with excitement.
“Deal!”)
Facing what felt like an endless, terrifying expanse of water stretched out before him, Steve ignored the faint murmurs in his head about how if he couldn’t do this, he lost one of the few things he had to offer his friends when the world wasn’t ending. Shut up , he thought, tucking his toes momentarily into the crack between two planks of wood of the jetty. Not the time.
(Dustin had convinced everyone else to explore one of the trails in the woods this afternoon, which Steve managed to get out of by claiming his headache from the morning hadn’t quite disappeared. Robin arched a concerned eyebrow in his direction, but thankfully hadn’t pushed in front of everyone else, meaning Steve was now alone to stare down this stupid water fear before tomorrow morning, when El would be excitedly waiting for lessons.)
Steve’s breath hissed between his teeth as he let out a slow exhale, then roughly pulled his t-shirt off and dropped it onto the jetty. Fuck it. There was nothing in the lake . Nothing except fish and reeds, and once he was in the water, his body would realise that and the goosebumps lining his arms would disappear and his overreactive flight or fight instinct would calm the fuck down .
Steve took a step forward so his toes were peeking over the edge of the jetty, clenched his jaw, then jumped.
The first brush of water against his toes, then his calves, then his knees - all within an icy split second - was fine. The water was fine. Cool, even - refreshingly so. Until gravity kept him tumbling downwards, his waist and torso entering the water too quickly, followed almost immediately by his head, engulfed in the freezing, dark, murky green water (oh fuck , jumping was a stupid idea) and now he was fully submerged. The surface seemed like it was further and further away with each second that ticked past as he sunk deeper, the sunlight catching the ripples of the water too far from his reach, like he was trapped down here for good.
The ghost of cool vines slithered around his legs like slimy fingers of a monster that seemed like it was never going to leave him alone , wrapping over scars that hadn’t yet faded and tugging him deeper, deeper, deeper still, until what remained of Steve’s breath left him in bubbles of wasted air. Not that that mattered because he’d soon be back in the Upside Down with bats trying to rip him to pieces and this time there’d be no stopping them because no one even knew he was here - and god, the kids wouldn’t know, and they’d think he just left , or he’d be the reason everyone he loved got dragged back into this thing they all wanted to leave behind them and -
The lake was cool as he dived in, dark except for the faint glimmers he could see from what must be the gate deep below the surface. The water parted effortlessly beneath his fingers. For a moment it was blissfully silent, his ears filled only by the steady rhythm of his heartbeat rather than the rapid-fire theories Dustin had been spouting earlier, the echoes of Lucas screaming Max’s name that he couldn’t seem to shake loose, and the various levels of panic that had been threatening to overwhelm every single one of them. It was a nice breather, away from it all.
At least, briefly.
Steve squeezed his eyes tightly shut to stop them from burning but the water stung anyway, shards of glass beneath his eyelids. His lungs were on fire as he reached around wildly for anything to hold on to, but he only found handfuls of ice cold water that slipped between his fingertips, and maybe this was it, this was how he was going to die and after everything he’d been through his obituary would say drowned in a lake because he forgot how to swim which was pathetic and embarrassing and if he could just make his limbs move he’d be okay but his arms and legs completely refused to cooperate.
The vines curled tightly around his ankle, digging into his skin. He was underwater being dragged towards an open gateway, and he should never have jumped off that boat so recklessly because whatever had gotten him was going to go back for Robin and Nancy and Eddie and he couldn’t protect them from down here and the surface was getting further and further away and the water was jet black now and getting colder -
Hands curled around his wrists and tugged him up, rough and strong and unyielding, and Steve struggled against them, trying to yank his hands away until his head broke the surface and the hands let go, moving down to curl around his waist as Steve struggled to suck in a breath, except his lungs wouldn’t work and his head was swimming and he couldn’t open his eyes and he could feel those vines against his skin -
“Steve,” a voice said sharply, verging on desperate, as the owner of the hands struggled against him. “Steve - stop - stop it, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
His next breath stuttered into his lungs, a mouthful of lake water coming in with it and making him cough and splutter.
“Calm down, I’ve got you, ” the voice repeated, an arm curling around him until his chest was flush against theirs and he could feel the steady rate of their heart, mismatched completely to the erratic pace of his own.
One of his hands was taken and curled around a bar of rusty metal, rough beneath his fingers; the ladder attached to the jetty. This time, no water entered his lungs alongside his sharp inhale, or the one that followed, and he tried to force the panic that still lingered down but couldn’t seem to get it to fade. A hand rested on top of his and squeezed. Steve cracked his eyes open, water stinging as it slipped from his lash line into his eyes, and Eddie’s face swam inches in front of him.
Eddie.
“Jesus Christ Harrington,” breathed Eddie, sounding both relieved and annoyed. “What the hell was that?”
Steve couldn’t speak. He wasn’t sure if it was because of how his throat still felt like it was burning from the gulps of water he’d choked on, or the panic that had seized his lungs, or if it was Eddie fucking Munson, with drops of water clinging to his eyelashes and slightly sunburnt cheeks and hair that was now a dripping mess from jumping into the lake after him. Water had pooled in the dips of his collarbones and there were freckles dusted across his pale shoulders too - how had Steve never noticed that before?
The only word Steve’s oxygen deprived brain managed to supply him with to describe how Eddie looked right now was pretty , and Jesus, okay, he desperately needed more air in his lungs, because what the fuck?
“Earth to Steve…?” Eddie slapped him lightly on the cheek, concern written through every inch of his expression, replacing any trace of annoyance, and Steve blinked, flexing his fingers a little on the ladder but curling them tightly back around the rung when another wave of panic crept through him.
“Steve, man, you’re freaking me out a little. Are you okay?”
He swallowed. “Yeah, yeah - I - ” He winced at the sound of his voice, rough as if he’d swallowed gravel. With his free hand he wiped water from his face, trying not to think about how Eddie’s hand pressing his into the ladder was the only thing stopping both his thoughts and his body from slipping off into the deep. “Fuck. Sorry, I don’t -” He finally got a proper bearing on his surroundings, on what had just happened. Christ , had he seriously almost drowned ? “Holy shit, that was so fucking stupid.”
Eddie made a scoffing sound but his grip on Steve’s middle tightened a little. “Yeah Harrington,” he said, not a hint of wryness, or derisiveness in his voice. “You don’t fucking say.” Steve’s gaze flickered up to meet Eddie’s, and for once there was no quirk of his eyebrow or teasing smile. Instead Eddie held his gaze, fear and concern that made Steve’s stomach flip with guilt as clear as day in his expression, but mingled with a soft, exasperated warmth too. Eddie tilted his head slightly to the side, the thumb of his free hand running over the skin just above Steve’s hip beneath the surface of the water.
There was something about the way he was looking at Steve - as though Steve was cracked open and Eddie could see everything, take whatever he wanted and leave whatever he didn’t like behind. Steve wasn’t used to people seeing him that openly. Robin was kind of the only one.
“You did it so you could teach El to swim tomorrow, didn’t you?”
Eddie’s voice was even softer than his touch.
Despite the pounding of his heart in his chest, Steve managed a bitter, fractured laugh. “Dunno how well that’s gonna work out when her teacher has a panic attack every time he’s in open water.”
His breath hitched again as his own flat laughter caused water to swell around his chest, but Eddie’s hands stayed steadily on him, one on the ladder and the other on his waist. “Well, pretty boy,” he said and Steve blinked - what did Eddie just call him? - “Maybe it would help to start somewhere you can actually touch the fucking bottom?” Steve smiled weakly, and Eddie glanced up the ladder to the jetty. “How’s climbing sound?” he asked, somehow aware that Steve’s limbs still felt vaguely like they weren’t his own. But he’d rather climb than stay here with cool water rippling around him as he barely managed to hold a second panic attack at bay, so he nodded, moving his free hand to the ladder too and shakily starting to climb, ignoring the way he could feel Eddie’s eyes on him, causing the scars that were now on full display to prickle.
Eddie’s eyes dropped to the scars again when they were both safely on the jetty. The sun was so wonderfully appreciated, sweltering and making Steve’s skin burn a little compared to the iciness that had been so suffocating moments ago. He rolled his shoulders back, welcoming the burn. Eventually, the weight of Eddie’s gaze was heavier, more obvious, than the heat and Steve reached for his t-shirt back on from his pile of clothes just behind them. He wasn’t sure why the idea of Eddie seeing the scars made him bristle. It wasn’t like it was about Eddie - the idea of anyone seeing his scars made him uncomfortable, even the four who had been there, in the Upside Down, pulling the bats off him and seeing the worst of the wounds, immediately after they’d happened, on full display before Nancy had conjured up her makeshift bandage. But they hadn’t really seen them since. Not in the way Steve - and everyone else - had seen Eddie’s.
Because Eddie was braver than him, and had mustered up the courage to pull his shirt over his head and drop it to the floor the first day they were at the lake house, facing the looks the kids had on their faces head on with a grin and an I know and a lighthearted response to Dustin’s “that’s metal , dude,” as though the teeth marks and and deep, only just healed gashes the bats had left across his chest and sides had made no lasting impact.
(Which wasn’t true, Steve knew that. On nights when Eddie had fallen asleep during a movie or when he and Steve had crashed on couches in the Wheeler’s basement, he’d seen Eddie wake up with the same jolt the rest of them did, phantom pain shooting up his sides, mixed in with real pain from the scars pulling.
“Agony, right?” he’d said quietly one of those evenings after watching Eddie wake, then curl his arms protectively around his sides in the darkness.
Eddie’s dark eyes had held his, swimming with fears Steve understood. He tilted his head in acknowledgement. “Something like that.”)
This weekend had given Steve a good opportunity to compare the scars he saw on his own body every time he got out of the shower to Eddie’s, when Eddie was distracted enough not to notice the way Steve’s eyes lingered on his chest, often glistening with droplets of water just as it was right now. Even by a quick, momentary comparison, it was obvious that Eddie had had Dustin at his side tearing bats off him, followed by immediate medical attention. Not like Steve, who had been alone in the Upside Down until Nancy, Robin, and Eddie had come through the gate and saved his life, only getting some momentary, rudimentary first aid from Nancy afterwards. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been there without them, with sharp teeth tearing into his skin, but it was enough to have made a significant difference; Eddie’s scars were less aggressive, and healed - his were more prominent, still angry and red and covering far more skin, telling an even darker story.
And then there was the fact that he hadn’t told the kids.
It wasn’t exactly a deliberate choice. They knew about the bats, knew he’d been injured - the bruising on his neck and scrapes up and down his arms were enough to show that. But things had been happening so fast and Eddie’s vest and Nancy’s makeshift bandage covered up the worst of it, after which it had been far easier to pull an ugly, camouflage army sweatshirt on and pretend he was okay. Thankfully, once Vecna was dead in the ground and the El closed the gates, everyone’s main concern had been split between Max, Will, Lucas, and Eddie, the latter of whose blood soaked t-shirt and half-lidded eyes had terrified them all. Of course, Nancy and Robin wouldn’t even remotely let Steve sneak away, so he’d been hospitalised for the first night before managing to bat his eyes and work some charm and convince the doctor that he felt fine, the wounds barely hurt, they were disinfected now, and no, he wasn’t a minor. With no parents around to insist otherwise (and Joyce and Hopper preoccupied worrying about Will and El), Steve had been discharged the following morning, leaving the kids to assume that it had , in fact, been fine.
Nancy, Robin, and Eddie had respected that and followed his lead in not mentioning how bad it had been to any of the kids. Jonathan knew, and the five of them had talked about it amongst themselves. But now, it meant he had a mess on his hands - the moment the kids caught sight of these scars, they’d know they hadn’t been given the truth. And maybe he was a coward, but Steve didn’t want to see their reactions. See Dustin’s reaction to the unhideable truth that Steve had been a lot closer to not making it back than they’d thought.
Steve exhaled, his breath catching in his throat, then pulled his shirt over his head and took a seat next to Eddie on the jetty, carefully crossing his legs rather than dangling them in the water like Eddie was doing.
“There’s nothing in there,” Eddie said carefully, leaning back on his arms as though they were having a casual, carefree conversation and he hadn’t just jumped into the lake to drag Steve out before he drowned.
“I know.”
The way Steve kept his feet tucked under his legs told a different story but Eddie didn’t challenge him, just waited for him to elaborate.
Steve sighed. “It’s like - I know that, in my head. I know it. But the minute the water touches me, my body forgets.” He ran a hand through his dripping hair, then let his eyes drift out across the water.
It really was beautiful out here. The sunlight bounced off ripples on the lake surface and made it glisten, and the light breeze that kept the heat of the day from being too much also made the leaves on the trees nearby rustle. If Steve paid enough attention, he could see dragonflies zipping across the water, perfectly content.
“It’s stupid,” he murmured.
Eddie’s careful gaze remained on him. “You know,” he said, “last week, I picked up my spare electric for the first time. It took me half an hour to put my fingers on the strings, but even then I couldn’t make myself play it. Every time I tried, I just… froze.” He let out a quiet, dry laugh. “The guys from Corroded Coffin are on my ass to get my shit together before the summer so we can play some gigs in the city. I was supposed to finish a whole bunch of songs during spring break for us to work on before school ended, but now I can’t even play my guitar.”
Steve carefully uncurled his legs, shifting so they were dangling off the jetty like Eddie’s, dipped into the water up to his ankle. The tightness in his chest returned almost instantly, but Eddie shifted so his shoulder was pressed against Steve’s, warm from the sun even through Steve’s t-shirt, steady enough to keep Steve’s panic in check.
Eddie talked. He was good at that, Steve had learned this past month and a half. He was a lot like Robin - chaotic and fast paced, full of rambling, tangential stories and wide, big hand motions that Steve had to be careful to duck away from - but the familiarity of it was comforting. Like Robin, Eddie didn’t seem to need Steve to contribute much to the conversation, just glanced over every once in a while to make sure Steve didn’t look bored out of his mind, before continuing whatever tale he was halfway through.
Steve’s focus drifted in and out, sometimes paralysed by the thought that anything could grab his leg from under the jetty, sometimes bathed in the warmth of Eddie’s words, distracted by the way his hair was drying in tangled, messy curls around his shoulders. After a while though, the panic subsided to a low background hum and he swung his legs slightly, allowing the water to ripple in between his toes.
“Refreshing?” Eddie asked, a gently teasing smile playing on his lips. He wasn’t sure when Eddie had stopped his rant about Mrs Click trying to fail him last year, but he had, all attention now on Steve.
Steve felt himself return the smile. “Maybe not quite that far.” He shrugged. “But… sort of. A little.”
“Wanna try get in again?”
The question was light, deliberately easy to say no or not yet to, but it was clear Eddie had waited for a moment when the answer might be yes. It made Steve’s stomach flutter a little. Not out of fear or apprehension; even having been best friends with Robin for nearly a year, Steve still wasn’t really used to people knowing him like this. Being able to read his tells, figure out how he was feeling without him saying anything. Nancy might’ve been the only person who’d ever been able to do that in his life before now, and even then, she’d been going through enough while they were together that she’d never really cracked very far from the surface of what Steve tried to keep hidden.
Eddie had given Steve an escape route if he really wanted one, but instead of letting Steve walk towards it, he was gently guiding him away, towards the things Steve wanted but wasn’t sure how to reach.
Steve had promised to teach El how to swim and he was desperate not to let her down. Desperate to still be useful, even if they didn’t have the world to save. Desperate to still have this love for water and swimming that had always meant so much and he couldn’t bear to lose.
Somehow, Eddie seemed to be able to see all that. Steve had no idea how.
“I’ll stay,” Eddie added, as though that were obvious, as though it didn’t make Steve want to sink into his arms with relief.
He gave Eddie a nod, and Eddie pushed himself to his feet, offering Steve a hand to pull him up too.
“Promise this isn’t just an excuse to see you with your shirt off Harrington,” Eddie teased. Steve rolled his eyes, but his snarky response died on his lips as he fiddled with the hem of his tee.
“That’s the other thing,” he admitted. “The kids don’t -” He paused and pulled his shirt over his head, putting his scars back on full display. “They haven’t seen most of this.” He didn’t need to tell Eddie the rest of it - that the kids didn’t know how hurt he was, how badly things could’ve gone, and their reactions were going to be something he wasn’t sure he was equipped to handle. Eddie knew. “Everyone was just so fucking fragile after Vecna. The kids especially, after what happened to Max, Lucas, and Will. And El, y’know?” He shook his head, droplets of water flying from the ends of his hair. “They go through so much every time this shit goes down and this year was the worst. I don’t think any of us thought we’d make it out of this in tact so when we did , I just … I don’t know. Wanted to spare them the fear of knowing how close I was to not making it.” When he looked up, there was an unreadable expression on Eddie’s face. He looked back at the water quickly as heat rose inexplicably to his cheeks. “Seemed like a good idea at the time. Obviously not, now.”
“Yeah, no shit Stevie.”
Stevie.
Nobody had ever called him by a nickname. He supposed Steve was one, given that his full name was Steven, but there was something about how it rolled off Eddie’s lips that sent an odd shiver up Steve’s spine. He braved a look back at Eddie, and again, there was that warmth in Eddie’s eyes that made Steve want to sink into him. His expression was lightly teasing, but there was no judgement in his words. He understood. Maybe he would have done the same, if Dustin hadn’t been there to see exactly how and where he’d been injured.
“They’re gonna see ‘em eventually,” Eddie said after a moment. “But tomorrow, it’ll only be El. And the kid will keep your secret if you ask her too, you know it. He tilted his head a little and it made the sun catch along the line of his nose, the indent of a dimple on the edge of his cheeks, the careful curve of his jaw. Steve had to stop his eyes from following the speckle of sunlight along Eddie’s skin. “If you really need to,” said Eddie, snapping Steve’s attention back to what he was saying, “I don’t think anyone will be too weird about you just wearing a t-shirt in the lake. I mean, Dustin maybe but he’s always weird.”
Steve huffed out a laugh.
“For what it’s worth man, they won’t react badly. Trust me.”
Steve attempted a half convinced nod. It wasn’t the biggest issue right now, which Eddie seemed to know, because after a moment he started walking back down towards both the house and the shallow edge of the lake, turning briefly to check Steve was following. By the time they’d left the jetty and moved round to the shallows, Steve’s lower lip was stinging from the raw patch he’d dug his teeth into, and his legs felt like they were made of lead.
“What if I - ”
“You won’t.”
“Yeah, but what if - ”
“I’ll be here.”
Steve huffed again, wanting to send Eddie a wry, frustrated glare but knowing it fell flat even as he tried. “You didn’t even know what I was going to say,” he said weakly, staring a burning hole in the ground.
Eddie’s fingers found his and squeezed reassuringly, the callouses he had from years of playing the guitar familiar against Steve’s skin. “Steve, look at me.”
The uncharacteristic seriousness - gentle but firm - was what made Steve turn to him properly, finding big, reassuring brown eyes in front of him. He was vaguely aware that he’d never let anyone this far behind his walls - certainly not voluntarily, as he was about to with Eddie - but oddly, he didn’t really mind. Because Eddie was … well, Eddie.
(And when had that become such a solid fact in Steve’s life?)
“I’m not gonna let anything happen to you, okay Harrington?” Eddie said softly.
Steve’s stomach jolted a little, this time nothing to do with water, but what exactly had caused the odd choppiness stayed elusively out of reach. He didn’t think anybody had said his last name with that much gentleness before.
“And hey, with Robin out hiking with the rest of ‘em, they’ll definitely get lost somewhere along the way so we’ve got all afternoon. We can take this as slowly as you want to. Guarantee we’ll still be in the house before Nancy manages to navigate them back from wherever Robin got them lost.”
It made Steve laugh through the tightness in his chest, and he let out a slow but steady exhale.
The water in the shallows was warmer, and tugged at thoughts of the familiar sanctuary from other lakes, beaches, pools, rather than the more recent memories of Lovers Lake. Eddie had returned to mindless conversation to fill the silence and ease Steve’s fear. Steve could tell he was still paying attention though. Even as he wandered a little further in than Steve - as though reinforcing to Steve’s frustratingly uncooperative brain that the water was in fact fine - he kept his eyes on Steve, his smile a little lopsided and light and his eyes sparkling with the same warmth that the entire lakefront had shimmered with this morning in the glow of sunrise.
It felt almost ( almost ) easy to follow him, creeping deeper gradually from water lapping at their ankles, to their shins, then their knees.
Nothing grabbed Steve’s ankles or dragged him underwater, so he took another step deeper, past where Eddie had stayed patiently by his side. Eddie followed. It wasn’t until Steve was waist deep, when the water became murkier and the bed of the lake stopped being visible to him, that the tightness in Steve’s chest returned in full force and his knees seized completely. Once again, he was frozen to the spot. Except this time it was frustrating , because he’d been doing so well and now there was no way to get any deeper and he wouldn’t be able to teach El anything if he could only get in the water to his waist and he knew they had all afternoon and he knew taking it slow would be better, more sensible, but Steve had never been patient or sensible or in his opinion, very smart at all, just full of bad, reckless ideas that sometimes worked out. And you know what, he’d always figured you might as well work with what you’re good at.
“I have a bad idea,” he managed to say, voice taut like it could snap at any moment. It was more of a warning than anything else, which Eddie’s sigh confirmed he knew. But he was still smiling, exasperated but understanding, as though he was all too familiar with unhealthy coping mechanisms and deciding the easiest way to deal with your bullshit was head on.
Steve let his legs give way beneath him, and sank down into the water until only his head remained above the surface. Which was stupid , because all of a sudden, the gentle, sun-soaked warmth he’d regained turned ice cold just like it had before, just like it had been that night and down there and his lungs felt like they were caving in on themselves, filled with water and caught with those god awful flecks of god-knows-what from the Upside Down and he couldn’t feel his fingers again and his skin was crawling and god, he couldn’t breathe -
Warm hands found his waist, this time within seconds, firm and reassuring.
“You’re safe,” Eddie promised. His face blurred a little in the haze of fear and panic that made the edges of Steve’s vision contort. “Hey, c’mon Harrington. Deep breath, okay? It’s just you ‘n me. No boat, no gate, no creepy Upside Down anything. We’re all Rightside Up.”
Steve forced out a hoarse laugh and it made Eddie smile even through Steve’s unfocused vision.
“What can I do?” asked Eddie.
“Nothing,” said Steve, shaking his head. He didn’t realise how close Eddie was and his forehead brushed against damp strands of Eddie’s hair as he moved. For no discernible reason at all, it made Steve sway a little closer to him but again, Eddie didn’t make any move to pull away. “This is good,” said Steve, a little quieter, his cheeks burning a little. “I’m … I’m good. Swear.”
Eddie hummed, it sounded like he didn’t quite believe Steve but it wasn’t frustrating like it had been with Nancy and Robin the night before. Steve didn’t quite believe it either. He closed his eyes, instead concentrating on the feel of Eddie’s fingers against his skin rather than the sense of dread creeping through his veins - they were warmer than they should be, certain and unwavering and uncaring of the scar tissue they were covering.
Time passed in a daze. Eddie didn’t push Steve to move, or talk, or go further, or get out. They stayed where they were, the icy chill of the water starting to feel less sharp, less like knives dragging against Steve’s skin. The sun seemed to break through the water as the afternoon crept on, and Steve finally began feeling its warmth more than the cold that had made his chest tight and terrified.
They spent the next hour or so in the water. Eddie's hands rarely strayed from Steve's waist except when Steve finally worked up the courage to swim a little way into the lake alone, the water gliding easily around his fingers this time. That wonderful sanctuary he’d always found in the water was still nowhere close to returning, but by the time the heat of the day had faded into the warm glow of late afternoon and they'd made their way back to sit in the shallows, Steve was just about confident enough that giving El lessons in the morning would go okay.
Okay meaning the absence of a panic attack. Maybe even vaguely enjoying himself.
A soft breeze whooshed through the clearing, making the water ripple. The sight of it, the sound of its quiet rush through the gap between his ankles, was all achingly familiar. Maybe there was even a part of Steve that was already leaning into that, seeking out the memory of safety and escape and skill and beauty of lakes and beaches and pools.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, and it came out a little hoarse and off kilter. Partly because he hadn’t spoken in almost forty minutes, but also maybe because Eddie had somehow managed to find a gap in Steve’s armour and worm his way behind defences that Steve kept up from everyone - even Robin - in just a few short hours.
Eddie offered him a surprisingly sweet smile. “It’s nothing.” He trailed his fingers through the water, the tips just dipping below the surface. “How come you love swimming so much anyway?”
Steve’s small huffed, half laugh breath was wry. There was an easy answer to that question, and a not so easy one.
He’d been swimming since before he could remember. He learned how on beach trips with his parents as a kid, back when they were still around and his dad cared enough to pass on the few things he thought his son would need. At some point though, his dad lost whatever small interest in fatherhood he’d had and Steve started being sent to summer camp over the summers, usually sports related. Swim camp had changed the whole game, and so joining the swim team in middle school had been an easy decision to make; he didn’t know now whether he’d done it for himself or in the hope that the medals he brought home from competitions would catch his dad’s fading attention, but it was a decision Steve was happy he’d made, especially then. From there it had been more summer swim camps, lifeguarding, and any other excuse to get himself in the water that he could find.
Because the water was calm - from the moment he dived in, he was alone, relying solely on his burning muscles to get him to where he needed to be, no expectations tugging him in different directions or people making demands he couldn’t meet, no yelling, no disappointed eyes, no insistence over who he was meant to be (who other people wanted him to be). It was just the rush of water and the sound of his pulse in his ears. In the pool, he could let chlorine soak into his skin and count every stroke until thoughts blurred into numbers, the weight in his chest he hadn’t been able to shake for years rippling like the surface of the water under the sunlight and then eventually being drained away.
“I know I’m really lucky to have y’know … grown up the way I did,” said Steve, keeping his eyes on the gentle push and pull of the shallow water. “Rich parents, always having anything I needed.”
“Dunno about anything you needed,” said Eddie, seemingly before he could stop himself because his cheeks coloured a little. “Sorry,” he added quickly. “I dunno. Your parents having money doesn’t really feel the same as having people who really love you. Especially from what you’ve said.”
Steve shrugged. “Yeah, I know. But having a well off family meant I had a lot of things that people like you, or Robin, or Jonathan deserved just as much, if not more. Feel like it’s not fair for me to say I wasn’t lucky.”
Eddie didn’t reply, tilting his head in acknowledgement.
“Whatever you wanna call it, man. It meant I got to go to beaches and lakes and summer camps ‘n shit all through my childhood. I learned how to swim pretty young and I loved it from the get go.” Steve pushed his foot against the water a little, toes breaking the surface and feeling oddly satisfied by the resistance. “At some point, my dad stopped caring about the fact that he had a son beyond the things I could win or achieve that made him look good. My mom was never really like that, but she also stopped really giving a shit eventually. Later though, in high school.”
“Swimming was a way to impress them?” guessed Eddie.
“Sort of,” said Steve. “Anything was kind of a hopeful way to try get them to notice me. But I started to realise over the years that swimming was more of an escape. The moment I was under the water, the rest of the world fell away. Mom, Dad, the teachers who kept pushing me to do better, the coaches who wanted me to bring home regional and state titles, assholes like Tommy and Carol, things I was too scared to admit to myself, like knowing Nance wasn’t happy in our relationship, or that I wasn’t coping with all the shit with the Demogorgon back in junior year like I was convincing myself I was.” He shrugged again. “Being in the water was quiet. Peaceful. I don’t like being alone but it was nice being alone in the water. It probably doesn’t make sense.”
“It does,” said Eddie, quick and reassuring. Curiosity (and an uncomfortable suspicion ) lingered behind his eyes but he let Steve leave it there, and the conversation slowly but effortlessly drifted between topics as the sun dipped lower in the sky.
By the time they both clambered to their feet and started walking back to the lake house, the warm, familiar muscle ache that always followed a swim had started to set in, and Steve rolled out his shoulders. It felt like greeting an old friend. His chest felt looser than it had in weeks, and that feeling only grew when Eddie pushed him towards the closest shower - (“You smell fishy , it’s giving me PTSD from Rick’s damn boathouse.” “We both smell, asshole, and I’m the one who got dragged through a hell gate in the next lake over, remember? Don’t give me shit about PTSD.” “Don’t invalidate my trauma, Harrington.” “Oh my god , fuck off -”) - tossing the towel that he'd left drying on the lake house veranda over to in Steve’s direction.
The shower was deliciously warm after the coolness of both the lake and the late afternoon air and with none of the other ten people crammed into this house clamouring for the shower or the bathroom, Steve took his time easing the lake grime out of his hair and skin, the warmth of the shower carefully tugging free the last tangles of the knot in his chest.
The golden hour sunlight was flickering through the branches of the trees outside the lake house kitchen window as Steve left the bathroom, landing on the warm wooden interior and making it glow. Eddie had finished his shower first and had perched himself on a plastic stool by the breakfast bar in jeans and a sleeveless white t-shirt. His hair, beginning to dry in frizzy, uncontrolled curls, was trapping the sunlight in tight coils. Between the evening glow and the day in the sun, his hair looked lighter, more wisps of lighter brown. Kind of like Nancy’s, Steve mused absentmindedly. Eddie looked up at the sound of Steve’s bare feet on the floor, giving him a once over as Steve moved closer.
Steve had opted to just pull on sweatpants, forgoing a top to let the antiseptic he’d smeared onto his barely-healed scars to soak into his skin. Eddie’s gaze flickered down Steve’s chest and sides but something about the ease of his expression didn’t cause any sparks of discomfort about the scars. Steve dumped the sweater he’d brought out with him on the back of the couch.
He loved the kids, really, with everything he had. But this afternoon had been something he desperately needed, something quiet away from the chaos they’d brought here with them, a moment to catch up with the thoughts he’d been struggling to pin down, and stop them from rattling around his head for any longer. The fear of the water had lurked so far on the fringes of Steve’s consciousness that he hadn’t even known it was an issue until the idea of coming to the lakes was a possibility. It was the kind of thing that Steve wouldn’t have known how to deal with on his own, but wouldn’t have wanted any of the others to ever see. Not that he’d wanted Eddie to see any of this but it felt less humiliating with him.
“They feeling okay?” asked Eddie, nodding towards Steve’s middle.
“Yeah,” said Steve, stretching a little. “Shower helped.” He still felt a slight tingle of restlessness in his fingers, in the tickle of damp hair against his neck. Now that the panic and fear was at bay, the unease of the day was shifting into that familiar need to be useful.
Somehow, Eddie seemed to be able to tell. He glanced around the slightly dishevelled house, left in a trail of chaos when the kids departed in a hurricane like whirlwind for the hike in the afternoon.
“Got the energy to sort some of this shit out?” he asked.
Steve let out a soft exhale of relief, nodding. They tidied the house a little, making piles of different people’s belongings that they both knew was futile, as they would soon enough be spread all around the room again, humming along to the cassettes Eddie had brought with him to play on the stereo as they did so. It was easy . That easiness followed as they moved on to making dinner, assuming the others would be back shortly (if the estimation Nancy had provided for the length of the hike remained accurate, and that they hadn’t ended up disastrously lost in the middle of the woods and in desperate need of a rescue. Steve could handle a rescue though. The baseball bat was in the trunk of his car.)
The peace wasn’t disrupted until footsteps arrived on the veranda outside.
“ There they are,” said Eddie.
Steve glanced over his shoulder, spatula still in hand as a fond and slightly relieved grin spread across his face. “Took them long enough.” He twirled the spatula a little before returning to the bolognese sauce bubbling on the stove.
“Steve,” Eddie said, voice quiet enough that it made Steve glance over. Eddie’s gaze dropped down Steve’s abdomen meaningfully, to the painful evidence the demobats had left behind out on display, before he nodded in the direction of the kids’ chatter past the closed front door. Steve’s stomach lurched a little.
He reached for his sweater, fingers curling into the fabric with the instinctive unease to hide . Then, he hesitated.
Something about this afternoon - whether it had been the hours in the water, or the soothing warmth of the shower earlier, or just the memory of Eddie’s calloused fingers on Steve’s scars - had made the lingering panic Steve had gotten so used to blur a little at the edges. Soften.
The kids were going to see the scars eventually, he reasoned, the voice in his head sounding suspiciously like Nancy or Robin. No matter how hard he tried to hide them, those little shitheads were nosy and relentless and fiercely protective in the most intrusive way possible and Steve loved them for it, would do the same thing in a flash if the situations were reversed, and all the reasons that had made so much sense a month and a half ago just didn’t anymore. And god, he was tired . His eyes flickered back over to meet Eddie’s and found them steady, waiting. Eddie slid his hands in his pockets, leaning against the kitchen counter and giving Steve a small nod.
His expression said, Your call .
It said, I got you either way .
Steve didn’t know what to do with that. He didn’t know what to do with Eddie at all today, it seemed, but that was a problem for later.
Right now, he left the sweater where it was and moved back over to the sauce he’d left boiling on the stove, lowering the heat just as Jonathan pushed the door open and stepped inside. He caught sight of Eddie and Steve in the kitchen and flashed them a hello smile.
“Hey Byers,” said Eddie. “Glad to see you’re all alive.”
Jonathan laughed, any reply he might have given drowned out by the kids who tumbled in after him, all talking on top of each other about the events of their afternoon and the things they’d seen so it was completely unintelligible, which they always managed to do no matter how many times anyone pointed out that it was the least effective way of sharing information. Nancy closed the door behind her after she and Robin followed the kids inside, toeing her shoes off and wobbling into Will in the process, and Steve couldn’t help but smile at the complete chaos of it all.
Until -
“Holy shit .”
Steve resisted the urge to wince, but barely.
Mike was the only one who’d moved far enough into the room to see past the breakfast bar so far, but his voice cut through the air sharply and dragged everyone’s attention over to them. His eyes were wide and horrified - an exact match to how Steve had pictured them all the times he’d imagined this scene - and they were glued to Steve’s torso.
His fingers itched to grab his sweater, to turn back time and re-choose, make a different call, so he didn’t have to hear Will’s sharp inhale or Lucas’s whispered “Jesus fucking Christ” or see the way Max and El were staring too, Max looking as pale as she had when Steve had tumbled down from the gate and seen her waiting in the trailer, and El with a mixture of anger and guilt that made Steve so desperate to find a way to convince her that none of this - nothing that had happened with the Upside Down - was on her shoulders, no matter what she told herself, no matter what Brenner had drilled into her head.
Or worst of all, Dustin.
Dustin, who was looking at him with complete and utter horror. Anguish. Fear. The first time Steve had seen these scars in the mirror he’d been equally horrified, so he could hardly fault any of them for it. He too hadn’t been able to tear his eyes away from the mangled flesh that curled around his sides and over his back, he too had compared them to the souvenirs the demobats had given Eddie and wondered how getting Eddie to a hospital so quickly had made that much difference.
Dustin was the one who found his voice first, but as he croaked “Oh my god, Steve, what the fuck - ” it was impossible to miss how the sentence cracked like a broken pane of glass that only needed a light nudge and it would shatter. Steve felt a little sick. This was exactly why he’d hidden these injuries in the first place.
Nancy chose that moment to slap both Mike and Lucas on the back of the head, and Steve’s knees went weak with relief. “It’s rude to stare,” she said sharply, and everyone except Dustin had the decency to look away, flushing various shades of pink. Nancy shot him a small, reassuring smile.
Robin jumped in too, clapping her hands on Will’s shoulders. “You all stink,” she announced. “Go fight over the showers, or we won’t all have time to clean up before dinner.”
In classic 15-year-old fashion, all the kids immediately looked affronted, but Nancy and Robin had truly become a force to be reckoned with in the short time they’d become friends, steadfastly redirecting the focus of attention and conversation away from Steve. Unlike the evening before, right now Steve was grateful for how easily the two of them could read him.
“Sorry Steve,” Mike mumbled, looking incredibly guilty. He avoided Steve’s eyes.
“It’s okay, kid,” said Steve, reassuring and gentle. “They’re not exactly pretty.”
Mike braved a glance at Steve’s face. He seemed to be searching for any sign of anger or frustration in Steve, taken aback when he saw none of it, just Steve’s easy, calm, forgiving smile. Silently, Steve tucked that away to talk to Nancy about later. When Mike was fully assured that Steve wasn’t mad, he took a breath and spun around.
“Dibs on first shower!” he called, making a dash towards the door.
“Hey!” Lucas darted after him, only a few steps behind.
“We said - ”
“Dibs the other shower!”
“ - Will smells worst, he should get - ”
“ - hey! ”
Nancy snorted, watching the kids chase each other out of the room, and Steve wasn’t sure he’d ever loved her more than he did right now. She exchanged a look with Eddie, who mouthed something Steve missed. Jonathan quietly took the spatula from Steve’s hand, giving his arm a gentle squeeze before slipping behind him to check on the bolognese.
“You never said it was this bad,” Dustin said quietly, the only one of the kids who hadn’t yet moved. He sounded small, as terrified as he had when they had found him in the Upside Down curled around Eddie’s body, and Steve couldn’t help but see the little kid he’d first met standing in front of him, all curly hair and toothy smiles and a mountain of love for someone who hadn’t really known what to do with it.
Steve’s chest ached , and he took a few steps closer so he could ruffle Dustin’s hair. “I’m sorry man,” he said quietly, brushing some stray curls away from Dustin’s temple with gentle fingers. “I didn’t want to freak you out. I’m okay now.”
“But you weren’t then ,” Dustin said, voice shaking. “And I didn’t even notice. These are way worse than Eddie’s! How did you even - you went back into the Upside Down with this ? You fought Vecna with this ? Steve -”
His voice was verging on hysterical and Steve tilted his chin up, silencing him with the firm expression he’d honed over the past two years of babysitting. The others made fun of it at least three times a week but right now, none of them said a word. (Eddie was trying to clean dishes as inconspicuously as possible, Jonathan had taken over supervision of the pasta sauce, and Nancy and Robin were in the adjacent living room pretending to clean up the bags the kids had just dumped everywhere.)
“I covered the injuries up,” said Steve honestly. “I didn’t want any of you guys to see, not when we still had the big fight ahead of us, so it’s not something you even could’ve noticed, okay? You’re not allowed to blame yourself for not seeing anything. That was on purpose.” He took in the desperate, teary expression on Dustin’s face and inexplicably was reminded of Nancy, drunk in a random bathroom with punch all down her Halloween costume, just as teary-eyed and just as desperate, searching for some kind of honesty and something real from Steve rather than the facade he’d been wearing, trying to convince himself it was fine and trying to protect her from the things that weren’t.
Shit. Okay, then.
“Hey, Henderson, listen,” he said, a little softer than before, and in his peripheral vision Steve saw Eddie’s head turn to glance at him. “We had the whole fucking world to save, right? The only option was for me to suck it up and ride out the rest of the fight before getting some kind of medical attention. And Nance patched me up enough for it to not be an issue. You’re a genius dude, you know about adrenaline keeping people going for like, days when they’re dying or whatever. Not that I was dying!” He groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. Swinging and a-missing, Harrington. “What I’m saying is that we did what we had to do and I hid it from you guys so you weren’t distracted during the big fight worrying about me. Hiding it from you guys after spring break was dumb but I wanted you to move on as easily as possible. I wanted to move on as easily as possible.”
Dustin nodded, and for about the millionth time Steve wished these kids had been protected from the countless terrible events that had plagued the last few years of their lives. Dustin’s gaze drifted back down to Steve’s left side, where the worst of the bites had been, and then he glanced over to where Eddie was still leaning against the counter quietly observing the conversation, having now given up on pretending to do dishes . “Eddie’s don’t look like yours,” Dustin said, more of a question than a statement.
Steve was doing his best not to give the kid more nightmares, and there were large parts of his, Robin, Nancy, and Eddie’s time down in the Upside Down that he wasn’t ever planning on sharing. But he wasn’t going to lie to Dustin either, not anymore. “Eddie had you immediately fighting the bats off him,” he said truthfully. “Those assholes had their teeth in me for a little longer. And I didn’t get these treated for a while afterwards, either.”
“We could’ve gotten you to the hospital earlier,” Dustin tried fiercely, and Steve rested a hand back on top of his head. He didn’t have to repeat we had the world to save because Dustin knew that, knew that they hadn’t had the time to waste. That wasn’t stopping him from looking queasy though, and Steve cupped his face gently in both hands.
“Hey. Hey, look at me.” Big, watery eyes found his. “That was like, a month ago, dude. I’m okay. I promise. They’re not even open wounds anymore, just really ugly scar tissue. It’ll heal.”
Dustin sniffed, cracking Steve’s heart to pieces all over again. “If I hug you, will it hurt?”
Steve smiled softly. “Not at all,” he lied, but Dustin’s expression was sceptical. When he wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, his grip was gentle and he was careful to avoid the patches of skin that still looked raw.
Steve rested his chin on top of Dustin’s curls, and held him tightly. He smelled of sweat and greenery and 15 year old boy but Steve had played sport for 13 years straight, he’d dealt with worse. Besides, Dustin needed this. (And, Steve silently admitted to himself, so did he.) Eventually, he gently zapped Dustin’s side with his finger, chuckling softly as Dustin yelped and squirmed away.
“You stink man,” said Steve but his voice was affectionate. “Go kick Will outta the shower and then come help me with dinner. It’s your mom’s bolognese recipe.”
Dustin’s eyes lit up and he nodded, giving Steve another quick, barely-a-second hug before darting off. Steve waited until he’d disappeared down the hallway towards the bathroom before sagging against the kitchen counter next to where Jonathan was still standing in front of the stove.
“Kid really loves you,” Eddie said quietly. Again, there was that look in his eyes that Steve couldn’t pin down. As though there was more to the words he’d said than came across at first glance. Steve wasn’t Nancy though, and he didn’t have whatever genius, mind-reading talent she had that allowed her to read between people’s words and expressions and body language and have the truth right in front of her, even if someone tried to hide it. Eddie smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners, then got up and moved towards Steve and Jonathan, gently grabbing Steve’s shoulders and pushing him in the direction of one of the seats at the breakfast bar. Steve took it gratefully, his limbs still feeling shaky. When Eddie returned to where Steve had been standing before, Steve could’ve sworn he still felt the warm burn of Eddie’s hands on his shoulders. What the fuck was that about?
Robin wandered over from the living room, tossing her boots onto the pile now by the door as she passed it and sliding into the empty seat next to Steve. Her skin was warm too when her bare arm brushed lightly against his, but it felt different to Eddie’s; where his had felt like fire, her skin was sun kissed, a few freckles now making their way down towards her wrist after a long afternoon in the sunshine.
“ So ,” she said evenly, swinging her long, gangly legs a little absentmindedly as she leaned her elbows against the breakfast bar. “You had a good afternoon?”
She wasn’t pushing. Steve could tell that whatever he told her - long version or short - she would’ve taken it without question, but there was a spark of curiosity in her eyes as she looked at him. His eyes flickered to Eddie, now on the other side of the kitchen, just as Eddie looked to him.
Good wasn’t exactly the right word. He’d had a messy, confusing jumble of an afternoon, filled with varying levels of panic and awful all consuming memories and embarrassment, but he was surprised to find that that wasn’t what stuck out when he mused back on the last few hours. Instead, it was the rustle of wind in the trees, the calm ripples on the surface of the water as they caught in the sunlight, sitting in the shallows consumed by relief that it finally felt safe to do so and Eddie, sitting right there beside him, cheekbones pink where they’d caught the sun and droplets of water in his eyelashes and an easy demeanour that settled the pounding fear in Steve’s chest.
“Yeah,” he said, fighting the flush that was threatening to rise to his cheeks as he looked away from Eddie. “Yeah, it was good.”
Robin’s head tilted a little as she looked at him. The jury was still out on whether she had some telepathic link to his brain, and Steve was believing it more each day - but she didn’t pry, just bumped her shoulder against his and nodded.
“We, on the other hand,” Nancy said from the living room, “almost lost Mike over the side of a cliff. Twice .”
“And at one point got completely lost in the woods,” Jonathan added.
Robin held her hands up, looking anything but innocent. “Not my fault!”
“ Well - ”
“Hey, I don’t know the area! It’s not my fault no one gave me clear instructions. ”
“Pretty sure I heard Nancy give you very clear instructions - ”
“ How many times do I have to tell you that I can barely walk on flat ground let alone hike somewhere - ”
Eddie snorted loudly, meeting Steve’s eyes across the kitchen and Steve bit back a laugh so that he didn’t wind up the victim of Robin’s insulted and indignant protests. Nancy, Jonathan, and Robin sounded exactly like the kids had when they first piled through the door and the conversation descended into teasing and arguments about the mishaps and mayhem that they’d encountered during the hike. Steve leant back in his chair, letting the pounding in his chest from the conversation with Dustin slowly settle, content to watch Robin and Jonathan bicker. At some point Robin’s feet found their way into his lap because “I’m tired dingus, and Nance has tiny feet and her boots didn’t fit!” (to which Nancy rolled her eyes and said “I told you to use Mike’s old ones!” and Robin shot back “I’ve smelt his dirty socks, so that’s an absolute no-go Nance.”)
It was comforting though, having Robin so steadily weighing him down, and the small glance of acknowledgement he received when he curled a hand around her ankle made him certain Robin knew that.
Dustin’s stricken face swam back in front of his vision, and Steve swallowed.
He wished he could be one of those people who had emotional conversations effortlessly, but he wasn’t. Every single time, he let feelings linger in the pit of his stomach and avoided talking about things for as long as possible, hoping they would go away before the inevitable collision occurred. Pretending he was doing okay with whatever shitshow had unfolded around him was a skill that he’d finely honed, although he was certain that if he ever voiced that thought in Robin’s presence she’d slap him and tell him he was full of shit, and that sharing your feelings is good, dingus.
Nancy’s hand silently found his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. He hadn’t noticed her wandering over from the living room, but it was an additional comfort having her close. Then, because the others were still talking and she knew him well enough to know that Dustin’s reaction to the gnarly scars he’d hidden was still very much at the forefront of his mind, her fingers moved to his hair, brushing a few stray pieces from his forehead before running her fingers through it fully. Except Nancy Wheeler was Nancy Wheeler , brimming with journalistic intrigue and a sharp eye that noticed anything and everything, and Steve’s hair was still a little damp and there was only one reason, really, why he would have showered for a second time that day.
He felt the moment her fingers stilled, and she pulled them away, tilting her head slightly to the side to give him a soft, curious look, the corner of her mouth curved up into the faint whispers of a smile. “Did you go swimming?”
She asked it softly enough that Eddie and Jonathan wouldn’t hear. Robin was too close to hide it from though, but Steve didn’t mind. He never really wanted to hide anything from her. Naturally, her eyes shifted back to Steve at Nancy’s question and Steve felt an unexpected flicker of vulnerability bubble in the pit of his stomach.
“Maybe,” he said quietly, trying to shrug nonchalantly.
Nancy’s smile grew, even softer than it was before, and Robin’s joined it.
“I’m gonna assume no terrifying hell gates swallowed you whole,” said Robin, voice still just gentle enough for her not to be poking fun at him.
“You never know, I could’ve just gone to the Upside Down for a day trip,” said Steve dryly and Nancy flicked the back of his neck with her finger. “ Ow! Obviously, no , no hell gates or bats or creepiness or … anything.”
“So you were okay?” asked Robin, resting her cheek on her fist and eyeing him carefully.
Steve shrugged. “Mostly.”
“Mostly?”
Steve made a vague so-so gesture with his hand, and Robin - who had been there for the nightmares after Starcourt, who had sat on his couch in his big, empty house and told him she wasn’t sure she would want to set foot anywhere near that side of town for a long while - just nodded again, easily accepting, knowing now wasn’t somewhere or sometime when he’d say anymore than that, and Steve really did fucking love her for it.
The bang of a door opening from down the hallway interrupted anything Robin or Nancy might have had to say after, and Eddie nudged Jonthan away from the stove.
“You three should shower too,” he said, glancing back at the girls. “Like, you’re better than teenage boy but none of you are exactly fragrant .”
“ Ouch Eds,” said Robin, but she swung her legs off Steve’s lap, patting his shoulder as she headed down towards the bathroom to follow Eddie’s advice.
Nancy and Jonathan followed in suit, leaving Steve and Eddie to finish up with dinner.
The evening rapidly descended into the regular, familiar pandemonium once again, but it was the warm kind of chaos - the kind that wrapped its arms around Steve and held him close, smothered him with the affection of all of the people he loved the most.
Later, after dinner and after El and Lucas did the dishes and Will and Mike lost pathetically to Max in a game of cards, they opted for a movie from the small collection Robin and Steve had swiped from Family Video for the weekend. Dustin immediately claimed the spot on the couch beside Steve, tucking himself carefully into the gap that had been left for him. Eddie and Jonathan squashed onto the couch on Steve’s other side. The only other ‘seat’ apart from the floor was a large beanbag that Nancy had dropped down to. It comfortably seated two, which Robin seemed to have noticed as she took stock of the seating arrangements and shot Steve a slightly panicked look.
“You can sit down here,” said Nancy, seemingly oblivious to Robin’s dilemma and Steve was simultaneously sympathetic and wildly amused by Robin’s momentary I-need-the-ground-to-swallow-me-whole expression.
“Okay,” Robin said, and it came out more like a squeak.
Eddie’s body shook a little beside Steve and Steve glanced over to see that he was laughing, watching Robin and Nancy with the same recognition of what was going on.
“Shh,” Steve whispered, elbowing him in the side and Eddie bit his lip, tucking his face into Steve’s shoulder to muffle his snickers.
“Here,” said Steve, tossing a blanket down to Nancy and Robin. “In case it gets cold.”
“Thanks,” said Nancy. She spread the blanket out over their laps and Robin’s eyes shot back to Steve, wide and very clearly screaming what the fuck am I supposed to do ? Steve shrugged, smirking a little and mouthing roll with it , to which he just received a pointed middle finger. Eddie laughed again into Steve’s shoulder, his puff of breath warm against Steve’s collarbone and making Steve’s entire life side of his body feel tingly. He wasn’t sure why - he was used to Eddie and his overly affectionate tendencies. He liked them, even. Maybe it was just the weirdness of today that was making it feel different.
The other kids dragged down their duvets and pillows from the bedrooms, piling on the floor and curling up in together as Jonathan put in the tape for E.T.
When Steve had been a kid, friends at school would talk about big family Christmasses and summer trips when they and their cousins would end up piled into a room together at the end of the night, watching movies and sharing secrets with their parents all away. He remembered Tommy telling him about how that had been where he had his first beer, smoked his first joint, but before the days of teenage rebellion it had just been truth or dare and eating candy until their stomachs hurt, and sneaking out of the beach houses to skinny dip in the ocean. It had always made Steve bitterly jealous because he’d wanted it, more than anything and known with that awful, resigned weight that he’d never have it. That connection. The family those kids had surrounding them, the steadiness and security and comfort of it all.
Sitting here on the couch with Eddie’s thigh firm against his on one side and Dustin’s elbow pressing a little too sharply into his ribs on the other, he knew for certain that this was what he’d been craving all those years ago.
Sunday came and went with the same brilliant sunshine lighting up the crisp, lush greenery that curved along the edges of the lake. Raucous laughter and crude, teenage jokes echoed across a thankfully empty lakefront and even as Steve chimed in with Nancy’s chastising remarks of “Okay, gross , are you guys twelve ?”, he couldn’t help but chuckle softly under his breath at the relief of seeing the kids so free and lighthearted.
By the evening, the kids piled into the room Mike and Will had been sharing for a final night sleepover, leaving Steve, Robin, Nancy, Eddie and Jonathan with another evening completely to themselves.
Eddie was the one who suggested having a couple of beers outside to make the most of the unusually warm, clear night, especially given the radio’s forecasted rain for the following week. With the kids properly occupied, the other four had agreed, grabbing sweatshirts and bug spray and the picnic blanket from Nancy’s car trunk.
“We should go down to the jetty,” said Steve as he eased the lake house door closed behind them.
Three surprised pairs of eyes shot to him.
“You sure?” said Nancy.
“Yeah,” said Steve. “Best spot for the sunset, we’ll be close enough to the kids if they need us but the little assholes won’t hear anything we say if they get bored and decide to eavesdrop.”
“Steve, we can stay up here,” said Jonathan, gesturing to the veranda.
“Yeah, play Eddie’s music loud enough and the kids won’t hear a thing,” said Robin.
“He’s fine,” said Eddie from where he was leaning against the veranda railing. “Aren’t you, Stevie?” He smiled, that small, honest, lopsided smile again and Steve felt like the vibrant glow of the setting sun, peeking through gaps in the treeline, was suddenly bursting inside of him. Christ, Stevie, again. Maybe it was a good thing that nobody had given him nicknames in the past because it made him feel all stupidly warm and fond and shy.
“Yeah,” he remembered to answer, tightening his grip on the two beer bottles he was holding, clearing his throat a little. “Seriously guys, I am. I was in the water with El today, remember?”
(“You won’t let go?”
El’s voice had been wary as they stood knee deep in the water, and he understood her uncertainty. Maybe she would be the only person who truly understood his , if he told her. Maybe he would, one day. Not today though.
Today, Steve wanted to teach her how magical it could be in a place like this. How water could be somewhere she escaped into when her head got too loud, when all the terrifying things that she'd experienced wouldn’t leave her alone and she needed something to make the world go quiet.
Steve thought of Eddie’s hand in his the day before, the way it had provided warm, sturdy reassurance, and gave El’s hand a squeeze. “Promise.”)
Seeing El splashing about in the lake that afternoon in Max’s spare swimwear was plaster for another of the cracks in his chest, and he and Eddie had spent a while sitting on the jetty with their feet in the water, ostensibly watching out in case El got into any trouble in the water, but really, they’d been there to soak up all the laughter they could get.
It was quiet out here now. The kids’ laughter had been left inside, and trusting Steve’s reassurances, they laid out the thick, soft picnic blanket over the hard wooden slats, along with some cushions and a lantern for when the light faded. Robin flopped back onto one of the cushions, staring up at the sky with her hair splayed out around her. Arms on his knees, beer bottle hanging loosely from his fingers, Steve rested his chin on his upper arm and smiled to himself a little at the way the setting sun cast beautiful speckles of orange and yellow over the freckles of Robin’s face, illuminating her eyes and smile in a beautiful glow.
There wasn’t a single part of Steve that felt any kind of resentment or longing over the fact that nothing could ever happen between him and Robin, but he did think he’d always be just a little bit in love with her the same way he always would be with Nancy. It wasn’t like he’d loved her back at Scoops, or during all the shit at Starcourt - he’d liked her, sure, a lot , more than any girl he’d met since Nancy. But the year that had followed, the fierce friendship they’d forged, had brought with it an immense, incomprehensible amount of adoration and love for his best friend. Smart and funny and witty and brave and kind and genuine and talented and gorgeous - how could he not be just a little in love? Even with no expectation, no longing. Just the fact that Robin Buckley was one of the best people he’d ever met, always would be.
Truthfully, he kind of thought that about all four of them, scattered around him on the picnic blanket, sipping beers and watching the birds skim the top of the water and the trees burn orange as the sunset gleamed. Although they’d only been out here for a short while the sun had already dipped lower in the sky, scattering colour across the blue canvas and catching in the edges of the handful of wispy clouds that were up above them.
Steve watched them all watch the sky. They were the best people he’d ever met. Maybe the monsters and possessions and illegally bought weapons and Russian torturers and annual NDA signing parties and Steve’s concussions and romantic disasters had all been worth it to end up here.
“I wish I could stay here forever,” Robin said quietly.
Steve took a long sip of beer before setting it down on the jetty and looking up at the sky. He wished they could stay forever too.
Eddie had been right in pushing them to take a break - they’d all needed it desperately, perhaps more than they realised until they got here. Steve didn’t want them all to go back to revising for finals, he wanted them here. He liked who they’d all been this weekend; softer versions of themselves, a little more open than usual. Nancy, in the shorts and tops he remembered her wearing years ago that felt more her than the clothing she’d drifted towards in the past two years, with sunglasses on the top of her head and bare feet and a well loved book in her hand. Jonathan, relaxed and confident and at ease, getting to see Will safe and loved, bonding with Eddie and Robin and making it feel truly like they were a gang of five. Robin, in sweaters and t-shirts she’d stolen from him, eyes sparkling as she sat on the deck with Nancy completing the morning's crossword, coffee in one hand and pen in the other, ink smudged on her fingertips. This week, it felt like she’d let her guard down much further than Steve usually saw it around anyone except him, and he liked it.
And Eddie.
Eddie, who currently had his hair in a messy bun, who had the deep oranges of the sunset caught in his eyes and who had held his hand yesterday, metaphorically and then literally when he needed it, without a single hint of judgement. Eddie, who was so far from the friends he’d made in high school in all the best ways, because he had a pure heart and a good soul and enough kindness to fill buckets, despite how cruel the last few months had been to him.
He'd been such a wildcard to Steve when they'd first ended up wandering around the Upside Down together. Nancy and Robin, he knew better than he knew himself. With Eddie, there’d only been the reputation that followed him around town and Dustin's words to judge by, and of course, Steve had taken the latter with a grain of salt, still too easily swayed by the opinions of this town that was sewn into the fabric of who he was. Steve’s quiet, instinctive judgement had caused Eddie to catch him entirely off guard (he still did, at times, even now. He'd do things and say things that were bolder than Steve could imagine ever letting himself be, and it would come so effortlessly to him that Steve would find himself struggling not to gawk every single time. He had a bravery that stood out, and it made Steve's chest tighten with some tangled combination of admiration and envy).
Steve couldn’t quite look away from him.
Eddie must have felt eyes on him and glanced over. The contented look on his face morphed into a lazy smile, all big brown eyes and messy curls and burnt cheeks and there was something oddly intoxicating about it all, something that made Steve feel as oxygen deprived as he had been yesterday when Eddie fished him out of the lake. Except right now, he wasn’t drowning. He wasn’t having a panic attack. He was happy and calm and the water was soft and peaceful beyond the jetty and the beer was making Steve’s limbs relaxed and his mind comfortably hazy so why did he feel like he couldn’t breathe?
A spark of fear shot up Steve's spine, sharp and unexpected and making his throat tighten, his tongue suddenly thick and heavy in his mouth.
In his pocket, where it always was, was Eddie’s guitar pick from the Upside Down. He still couldn’t explain to anyone, let alone himself, why he had it, why he’d kept it, why he couldn’t bring himself to return it. He slid his hand into his pocket, curling it around the pick and grounding himself in the familiar edges of cool, hard plastic digging into his palm.
Maybe there was a little part of him still on edge being this close to the water.
A thumb traced lightly over the back of his wrist, accompanied by the cool brush of metal rings. Steve swallowed, silently begging his pulse not to skyrocket as he forced himself to look at Eddie. Eddie's eyebrows were furrowed in concern, his expression just as gentle as it had been the day before. “You good?” he asked, barely a murmur, too soft for anyone else to hear.
“Yeah,” whispered Steve, taking a long gulp of beer. The coolness down his throat was good. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to zone out.”
"No, it's - " Eddie's teeth caught on his lower lip, the same perceptive streak Steve had seen as he assessed the kids' moves mid D&D game making a sharp appearance. "You sure? You don’t have to be, y’know."
Instinctively, Steve almost immediately wanted to say yes I do. He managed to hold his tongue, instead letting out a slow exhale through his teeth. “I’m fine,” he said. “I swear.”
Eddie tilted his head slightly to the side, eyes crinkling at the corners, his dark eyelashes framing those deep brown eyes perfectly against sunburnt cheeks. “We’re safe out here,” he said, and because somehow after barely a couple months of friendship he knew how terrible Steve was with vulnerability and seeming weak or afraid, his lips curved up into a teasing smile, softer around the edges than usual. Steve was grateful for that because he needed that kindness like air even if it simultaneously made it difficult to breathe. "And hey, even if some big, bad, ugly whatsit came out of that lake, I think we’re pretty good at fighting monsters by now, huh Harrington?"
Steve laughed, a little forced, a little hoarse, but it was real. He rolled his eyes, knocking his beer bottle against Eddie’s knee. "God Munson, you fight one monster and suddenly you're a pro huh?"
"Yep," Eddie declared, popping the 'p' overdramatically. “Considering I’m on track to graduate, I’m thinking that’s a pretty good career choice actually. Very Van Helsing of me.”
“Van Helsing was actually also a doctor, professor, lawyer, philosopher, scientist, and metaphysic,” said Robin, also lying on her back but with her feet hanging off the edge of the jetty. “Monster hunter too, obviously. But he was multidisciplinary.”
“Makes sense,” mused Nancy, her eyes sparkling a little as she grinned at Robin. “Given that our Upside Down encounters were annual, seems like monster hunting can be a slow business sometimes. You need income in the off season.”
“Think that’s a lot of college education for you to go through to follow in his footsteps, Eds,” said Robin, giving Eddie a toothy grin.
“Okay, well, yeah, cos that’s fucking overkill isn’t it,” said Eddie with a scoff. “And that’s bullshit , you can’t be all of those things - you know what, I think Van Helsing was a vampire, that’s how he got all those fucking qualifications.”
“Makes sense,” said Jonathan. “Good cover.”
“Okay, hang on,” said Steve. “Who’s Van Helsing again?”
Three unanimous groans - Robin, Eddie, and Jonathan - echoed over the lake.
“Oh my god Steve, no ,” said Robin, looking insulted. “How have I failed you so badly?”
Steve gave her a bewildered look and Nancy laughed, patting his arm.
“We’ll catch you up eventually Stevie,” said Eddie with a fond chuckle. “You’ll be fully educated in the pop culture essentials by the end of the summer.”
“Why does that sound like a threat?” said Steve warily, and the other four laughed.
It had been the sound Steve had gotten used to the most over the past three days. Their laughter, the kids’ laughter, even his own. He liked it. Liked how it filled the silence he’d gotten uncomfortably used to these last few years, liked how light it made the world feel in spite of everything they’d been through. It felt like that now, even as the sun began to dip below the horizon and the dark shadows of nighttime crept in between the trees and across the lake that was going from a canvas of colour to quiet, still navy. The speckles of stars in the sky were faint but Steve knew within an hour, they’d be endless, infinite, spread as far as he could see and reflecting in the water like tiny, floating petals.
He’d always been a little scared of the idea of infinity. Still was, sort of. He’d never really known what he wanted, what his life was supposed to look like. It was why it had been so easy to just roll with what anybody else wanted of him, because Steve had always found grappling with future and possibility and what next simultaneously over- and underwhelming.
It was another one of the reasons he’d loved swimming so much, though it was hard to explain to people.
Water felt infinite when you were in it - especially oceans and lakes - but all you could do was move forward. Another stroke, another kick, another lap. You kept moving, and the water was your only resistance, the only thing holding you back. Steve liked the certainty of that. One lap at a time certainly felt a whole lot easier than one step at a time in the uneasy messiness of his life.
Except for right now.
Because Robin and Nancy were laughing about something, and Jonathan and Eddie had started trading music recommendations, and in the Sunday night quiet soundtracked by their voices, the world felt lighter. The sky was clear, and even as the water turned dark and murky as the last vestiges of sun vanished behind the trees, the laughter of the gentle waves kissing the wood of the jetty pillars was achingly familiar to Steve. And maybe, just for tonight, infinity felt a little bit closer, a little bit more like a chance for a step in any direction rather than following other people’s footsteps blindly.
They’d saved the world four times now, but this was the first year he’d felt like there was something more that he could find at the end of it all. Well, he reasoned, a lot had been different this year. One of them being the man beside him, his wild, mid-story gestures making the moonlight catch on the rings adorning his fingers.
Maybe he was tipsy, or a little dazed from consecutive days of sun, but lying there with the expanse of the night sky endless above them, Steve mused that Eddie felt a little bit like infinity too. Equally terrifying and exhilarating, with so much Steve didn’t understand yet but wanted to. Eddie was everything he had detested for so many years, had run from, but had over the course of three apocalypses found himself drawn to despite his fear.
For the first time that he could remember, Steve wasn’t afraid of whatever came next.