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It's not healthy, the way he's taken to spending his scarce moments of free time.
Kisuke knows that.
But, well, Kisuke's been accused of being a number of things over the course of his long life, most of them some degree of unsavory, but healthy in any real shape or form has never been one of them.
His morals, what few he actually possesses, have always been flexible at best. And even those are capable of being readily abandoned in the name of protecting what little he's ever taken to calling his own.
And Kurosaki Ichigo, despite all of Kisuke's careful planning and machinations, has long since become a chink in the armor that Kisuke has spent centuries building around his heart.
Has long since become someone that Kisuke cannot help but consider his.
Ichigo is worth everything Kisuke has been doing.
Is worth every sleepless night and blood-splattered day. Is worth every moment spent begging on his knees to a government he no longer believes in. Every moment Kisuke has spent forcing the laws of energy and reality to bend and then break in his grasp on his way to achieving his goal.
To Kisuke, Ichigo is worth all of that and so much more.
But, Kisuke has to admit, that doesn't actually make the situation any easier.
It doesn't make the sight of Ichigo as he is now any easier to bear.
Because, despite everything else they've been through, Kisuke has never seen Ichigo like this.
Ichigo looks older now, looks tired in a way that so obviously goes beyond the physical.
His hair has gone shaggy and those piercing eyes of his are duller than ever before and undercut by deep bags. There is a weight on his shoulders and a lag in his step that was never there before.
He looks bruised in some soul-deep way that makes Kisuke's heart ache.
And yet, despite the loneliness and the obvious grief that Ichigo wears like a cloak these days, he is still so utterly beautiful to Kisuke.
Kisuke ghosts the pad of his thumb across the swell of Ichigo's bottom lip before he moves it up to smooth over the furrow that so rarely leaves his brow these days.
Curled up beneath a heap of blankets despite the summer heat, Ichigo sleeps on unaware.
Unaware of Kisuke's presence. Unaware of the way that Kisuke is so close to him, sitting there on the corner of his bed while he sleeps, so terribly temptingly vulnerable.
In any other situation Kisuke would revel in the trust that would imply. Would glut himself on the knowledge that even in his sleep Ichigo knows and trusts him.
But now? After all that has come to pass?
All it does is make the violent urges Kisuke has been doing his utmost to suppress for so long now flare and writhe in his chest.
Because yes Kisuke's soul is stained and his hands are thick and gummy with centuries of blood and deception. And yes his plans and machinations are the ones that helped to guide Ichigo's life, that had helped to press him into the exact situation that led to his current state.
But Kisuke had decided early on that, once it was all said and done, he would do whatever necessary to repay his sins to Ichigo. Would gladly lay whatever and whoever necessary at Ichigo's feet in repentance.
Kisuke had never intended to abandon Ichigo. Had never intended for Ichigo to weather this particular storm alone.
He had intended to be there by Ichigo's side, every step of the way.
Kisuke had assumed Isshin would be of the same mind, had assumed he would know how to properly care for his son once the battles had passed. Had assumed Isshin had known his son enough to have long since realized that Ichigo was never as powerful, never as steady, never as happy, as he is when surrounded by those he loves and strives to protect.
Kisuke had, apparently, assumed wrong.
And, like with so many of the choices that have been made lately, Ichigo has been the one to suffer for it.
Playing this game, adhering to Isshin's request to put distance between Ichigo and everything Shinigami related, being careful not to act out of turn in any way that might attract unwanted attention from Seireitei and upset the delicate balance Kisuke has been nurturing in order to do what he must for Ichigo, has grown very tiring, very quickly for Kisuke.
On the worst day, these visits, these precious stolen moments, are all that keeps Kisuke from reaching for Benihime and moving to collect the blood price they both long to see Isshin and so many others pay on Ichigo's behalf.
It's a situation that Kisuke will not allow to happen again.
Once he has played his role and gathered all he needs to in order to restore Ichigo to his rightful state of being, Kisuke will make it known to anyone and anything that might attempt to separate them again that such missteps will no longer be allowed.
And to all who might disagree? To all who might attempt such a thing again despite Kisuke's warnings?
Well.
Kisuke is former Onmitsukidō afterall. And while he might never raise his blade on behalf of his former masters again, Kisuke has no compunctions against doing so for the master he has chosen for himself.
Even if Ichigo is not yet aware of the true place he holds in Kisuke's life.
"Soon," Kisuke murmurs as he leans forward to press a ghost of a kiss against Ichigo's slack lips. "Wait for me."