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Akk was probably gay. No, he was most definitely gay.
At first, Akk thought that maybe he just didn't like anyone. At all. That weighed on him, the idea that maybe he wasn't capable of loving anyone. Any normal person would be able to want someone. He should be able to imagine the fantasy of making a pretty girl his wife and having children, just like how any normal person should. He was supposed to be normal.
When Ayan arrived Akk realized he was entirely far from normal. He was a freak. This was infinitely worse than what his initial problem was.
Ayan made him feel weird. He made Akk feel all hot and sweaty. Ayan made Akk nauseous. It was something he had never felt before; it was nothing of the sort of being scared, it was bordering. The feeling Ayan gave him was startling in its physical intention.
Akk liked Ayan. Akk wasn't an idiot. He knew how to place name to face. These were the feelings of want. These were the feelings of wanting Ayan to reach up with his hand and rest it on Akk's jaw. He thought that the feeling of Ayan's thumb resting on the corner of his bottom lip must be nice. Akk had never kissed somebody before, and honestly, how he saw it in films, it looked gross. But Akk thought that maybe, just maybe, the feeling of Ayan's lips pressed against his could be nice. He had no idea how kissing worked (what if his nose got in the way? What if their teeth clacked? What if he did something not normal and disgusting and Ayan those he was gross? What then?), but he thought it could be nice. It could be nice.
Did Ayan know? Was that why Ayan avoided Akk? Because he thought Akk was gross? Ayan probably thought he was gross. Akk, ignorant Akk, who was no match for that boy and his seemingly apparent experience. He only assumed that because Ayan was so comfortable with flirting, he had some semblance or familiarity with what he was doing.
He was never going to know. Ayan, Akk meant. There was no fucking way Akk was going to give Ayan the satisfaction. After all, everything he had said to him, and the eyes, Ayan's pretty glowing eyes, were a mockery. Akk was nothing more than a joke.
"Akk."
Who was saying his name?
"Akk?"
The smell of sun. If that even had a scent. The smell of freshly parched fields. He had smelt it before when a warm body lingered just close enough. Just close enough to make Akk's palms all sweaty and for him to question his sanity.
"Did you fall asleep? Hey. Akk? You asleep, dude?"
Ayan. Ayan in his dorm room. Ayan, in his dorm room, who he was supposed to be helping with Latin. The professor had asked Akk to help, given the fact it appeared as if they had become close. Everyone knew Akk had offered to help tutor in judo, after all.
Akk jolted upwards, banging his right elbow down onto the edge of the table. He yelped, and it sounded like when you accidentally step on a dog's tail, which is an embarrassing noise for a teenage boy to make. As if the universe had it out for him (and it did), Akk had precociously positioned a lamp above his textbook. The hard edge of the lamp hit him in the back of the head.
Holy fuck it hurt. Oh. My. Fucking. God, with a capital G. It. Hurt.
His left hand was cradling the pointed tip of his elbow, which was pulsing in this painful throbbing sequence, and, fuck, now the back of his head was doing the same thing. Ouch. Ow. Ouch.
"Oh my god," Ayan laughed. Yes, exactly, oh my God.
"I didn't think you were going to fling up like that. You fucking idiot, holy shit, that must hurt. Ahhh! Ow. Ouchhh," Ayan said, but it came out more in-breaths because he was still giggling. Akk wanted to bodyslam him on the floor. He was in pain, and Ayan was laughing.
Before he could get to it, Akk was startled by the screeching of the wooden chair against the tile floor, and Ayan was right next to him, a gentle hand on the back of Akk's head, and then he had his fingers around Ayan's left wrist, dragging his arm up to be able to examine his elbow.
Ayan was so close, and Ayan was so warm. Ayan, with soft hands, who had stifled his laughter and was now practically cooing at him like he was a child with a skinned knee. Ayan, Ayan, Ayan. Akk was going crazy. Akk was going crazy and gay. His head was running a mile a minute.
"You good? Yo, you there? Did the lamp knock you out, Bigfoot?"
Between Akk's gay panic, mortification, the throbbing pain, Ayan's body heat, and that ridiculous fucking nickname, he couldn't get much out. All he could say was a rather miserable, it hurts, before looking up.
Looking up was a mistake. Ayan was pretty. Ayan was pretty with his hair slightly fucked up and defying physics. Ayan was pretty in that stupid zip-up hoodie he never took off. Ayan was so, so, so pretty, and he was staring directly into Akk's heart. Which was slightly frightening, no one had ever looked him in the eyes like that before, except for the school principal, which was an authoritative scary. Nothing like this.
"You big baby. Are you crying?" Ayan laughed softly, taking both hands and settling them on either side of Akk’s face, the pads of his thumbs wiping away at his apparent tears.
"I'm not crying."
"Okay," Ayan smiled. He said it soft. He said okay in a tender way, and it was making Akk's mouth dry. Why the hell did he say it like that? That's not how you would normally say okay to someone. Was Ayan doing the flirting thing again? Akk didn't like it when he did that, but he also did. He just wanted it to be true. It never was true.
God, he wanted to know what it felt like to kiss a boy. To kiss Ayan. Would his lips be chapped? Soft? Did Ayan use chapstick? Had Akk ever seen Ayan put on chapstick..? No. Well, no, maybe he had?
"Ayan."
Was Akk the one saying that? His voice sounded weird. It sounded lighter than usual, shaky. This was so incredibly embarrassing, despite the fact he hadn't done anything to be ashamed of.
"What is it, Bigfoot? Did you hit your head that damn hard? Hey, do you know what year it is....," Ayan was rambling, with that stupid face of his, like he always did. Always making fun of him. Always when they were arguing, and they argued a lot. Akk had a bad habit of staring at Ayan's lips when they argued, and Akk was doing just that, excluding the fight. He really couldn't help saying what he said next. Maybe his brain was scrambled.
"Ayan. Ayan, I really want to kiss you."
That was gay.
That was really gay.
What the fuck did he just say?
Akk was already retreating, tugging backward in Ayan's hands, when Ayan surged forwards, one of his warm hands falling from Akk's face to snake around his shoulders. Ayan was so, so close. His eyes were pretty, was what Akk thought.
"Don't run away. Hey. You can kiss me if you want. You can, uhm. You can kiss me if you want."
This couldn't be real. His tongue was stuck in the back of his throat, and he half nearly choked trying to get his voice loud enough, "I. I, don't know how to. How do I do that? How, I mean, how, uhm, how do I..," Akk mumbled.
Oh my. Fuck. Holy fuck this was embarrassing. Akk wanted to curl into a ball and die. He was out of breath, basically panting, having felt like he had just run five miles in P.E. class. He swallowed the nonexistent spit in his mouth and breathed out, the whistling of his nostrils ringing in the room and his clogged ears. "I've never kissed anyone. I don't know what I'm doing. Oh my god."
To his surprise, Ayan didn't laugh. He didn't snicker. He didn't giggle. Ayan wasn't even smiling. The hand on his back started sliding, then it was off, and then Ayan had his palm splayed on Akk's neck.
"Want me to show you? If you want, I can show you."
Was this happening? Was everything going on right now even real? Was Akk still asleep and this was one of his gay dreams? He could still feel the pulsating of his elbow and the dull shock of the back of his head. Fuck.
"Akk? Dude?"
Akk snapped his head downwards, then up, and it must have looked strange and offputting because Ayan was moving his hand off of Akk's neck and lifting the other from his cheekbone.
"Yesh." His tongue was looped around about seven times, and he sounded like an idiot, but he was far too gone to be embarrassed at this point. Akk kept talking, "Yes. I meant yes."
Then Ayan took away all of his hands, and Akk started to worry he did something wrong (Akk had no idea about this himself, but those sad puppy eyes of his were on his face in an instant), only to realize Shortstop was pulling the chair he had been sitting in closer. Close enough that now their knees were one after the other, thigh against thigh. Akk was pretty sure he had a dream about this before.
"C'mere," Ayan was whispering, fingers clasped in Akk's hoodie. Akk looked up from where their thighs were touching, and oh. Ayan was so close; looking at him, and his lips. There was no way this was real.
"Can I kiss you?"
Akk nodded dumbly, feeling rather big and janky.
"Akk."
Akk stared.
"Part your lips a bit. You can close your eyes, I'm not going to bite you. Well, I can bite you if you want," Ayan laughed softly, and as Akk obeyed, his eyes fluttering shut, he couldn't help but imagine what-
Okay. Oooookay. Okay. Ayan was kissing him. It was weird and not at all what he imagined. Ayan's lips were soft, Akk learned. Akk was learning something. Ayan's lips were stagnant, not moving, and Akk was just about to start wondering if this was it. And then Ayan opened his mouth and kissed him again. And it was very different from the first kiss, not that there was tongue or slobber or anything like that, but it was more than just putting their lips together and Akk started freaking the fuck out.
He wasn't scared of Ayan. That's not what was happening. He was just suddenly so overwhelmed with the fact that holy fuck, he was kissing a boy in his dorm room (which was against the rules), and he had no idea how to press his lips back correctly, and fuck, fuck, fuck.
Akk looked to the side very suddenly, out of breath and eyes flying wide open. He looked to Ayan, who was still very close, jaw slack and eyebrows furrowed. Akk must have looked hysterical because suddenly Ayan looked scared. Akk really, really wanted to curl up into a ball like an armadillo and roll away. But he wasn't an armadillo, so he hid his face in Ayan's hoodie.
For a few seconds, all Akk could hear was the white noise of the lamp he had whacked his head on before Ayan started talking. Shortstop sounded nervous, which made Akk's head spin.
"Ah. Sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay? Akk, you alright?"
Ayan sounded horrified.
Ah.
Akk buried his face deeper into Ayan's chest. That hoodie smelled like him.
"No. That's not it. It's not like that. I just. I got overwhelmed, that's all. You're okay. I just have no idea what I'm doing. I'm sorry. That must have been bad, like really bad," Akk sucked in a breath, ready to apologize again when he felt Ayan's nose in his hair.
"Oh. It's like that."
Akk could hear the smile in his voice. Ah. Ayan knew. Fuck, Ayan knew.
"I like you, too, Bigfoot."
Akk melted. He collapsed onto Ayan's lap and haphazardly flung his arms around his waist. Ayan was laughing, both hands in Akk's hair. So warm. So gentle. Ayan smelled so good.
Akk leaned back, just enough to peer up, to meet those pretty eyes. There were those faint freckles on the bridge of his nose, Akk had forgotten about those. Pretty. So pretty.
"Yeah. Yeah, I like you," Akk affirmed for both Ayan and himself.
Akk had never seen Ayan smile as wide as he did. His cheeks were pink, his ears were pink. The bridge of his nose, even that was pink. Ayan was always so cool, so unaffected until those moments. Here was Ayan: unabashed, pink, warm, and in Akk's arms.
He was being hoisted up by his armpits, with less of pulling and more of heaving, given the fact Ayan was smaller than him. Ayan tugged him into his shape, everything so soft and warm. Akk was barely even in his chair now, teetering on the very edge of it. His calves were aching with the awkward height difference, but nothing mattered. Shortstop was holding onto him for dear life.
The feeling of being gangly and stupidly tall made him feel like a deer in headlights, hands held up in the air before eventually dropping onto Ayan's back.
"Dude..."
Akk couldn't help but burst out laughing. So, he stood up, taking Ayan with him, smiling dumbly, numb with the sickly sweet atmosphere he was feeling for the first time.
"My calves hurt. We're not the same height, Shortstop."
The words came out hushed. Ayan heard them. Of course, Ayan heard him and looked up. Looking with those eyes. Those eyes. Akk felt his knees turn to jelly. Shit.
With that scheming toothy grin, eyes squinted, and tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth, Ayan words were a mocking slur, "Ahh.....ahaha. Mmm. Mhm."
It didn't take long before Ayan had both hands on Akk's shoulders and was lifting himself onto his tippy toes, pressing loud kisses all over Akk's face.
The kisses tickled, dotting his eyelids, the bridge of his nose, the corner of his mouth, and twice over the pale mole on the top of his right eyebrow. Akk had his lips pressed into a thin line, ultimately failing at keeping himself from descending into a sputtering mess. He snorted, bubbling giggles from the back of his throat as he threw his head back and started squirming.
This didn't deter Ayan. It probably made him go even crazier. Because now his neck was exposed. Akk screeched and his voice broke.
His voice breaking should have been embarrassing. Akk, lead prefect Akk, who hunted down people in the hall who were chewing gum, should have been embarrassed. Instead, he felt seventeen and was being covered in kisses by his crush (boyfriend?) in his dorm room.
He was breaking so many rules.