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Regina had always been extremely careful, always hiding her true emotions, her true self. She learnt from a young age, to keep her thoughts and feelings to herself. That protected her, because if anyone had found out her innermost musings, they'd use it to their advantage. So, from a young age she found herself writing in a journal, about anything and everything. It became a solace for her and something she continued to do even after she cast the curse.
But one night everything changed. It wasn’t supposed to happen; Emma was never supposed to find out about her secret. She was never supposed to read the journal and find out all the secrets Regina had inside. But here she was, standing on her doorstep, holding the one thing that Regina had kept hidden from pretty much everyone but herself. And she didn't know what to do. Every moment, every fight, every argument, every almost moment, every adventure, every Miss Swan, every Regina, every moment, and Emma had it in the palm of her hand.
And she said, “ Regina, we need to talk…”
At the very beginning.
It had all begun one night in October when one Emma Swan waltzed onto Mifflin Street wearing a ghastly red jacket and leading her son to her front door. It was almost as if time stood still and it was only them, looking at each other and not knowing the story that was about to unfold over the next few years. The unraveling of a curse, and the story of enemies to lovers.
October 22nd , 2011.
I have never met a woman who has crawled under my skin quite like you have. With hair so golden and eyes so green. It is destined from the start, a trail of destruction and pain, the past I escaped from is quickly catching up to the now—and it's only a matter of time for all to be broken.
Your red leather jacket, your see-through shirts, and your curls so fine are not welcomed within this town and more importantly not welcomed in the way you currently are in my mind. I shouldn’t be thinking of you in such a fine way, I shouldn't be thinking of you in such a way. But here we are—you may have crawled under my skin, but you aren’t crawling over me with your breath so soft, and your body intertwined with mine.
The next time Regina picked up the journal and wrote about Emma Swan was not long after Emma decided to stay. It was clear that things in Storybrooke were changing, between the starting of the clock tower to the blonde storming into Regina’s yard, wearing a white singlet and tight blue jeans, and a chainsaw in hand.
October 24th , 2011.
A white see-through singlet is all I can see, blinding me to the atrocious acts. An apple tree that blooms and grows exactly as I have—broken and damaged just like my past. And as the branch hit the ground, I felt the last bit of hope I had left. The only hope I had—everything I have worked for and hidden—is whiltering away like the branch on the ground. And I vow to myself that I will destroy you if it is the last thing I do.
It became a common occurrence for Regina to write in the journal she had dubbed “all the words I can never speak…” With each and every development within their relationship, Regina wrote more.
November 2nd , 2011.
In all my life, through every trial and tribulation, nothing has prepared me for the moment I almost lost him. With every rumble of the Earth, the rocks falling only heightening the stress and the pain of the unknown. With no access to magic, I had to stand back and watch and wait, the only solace being you, Miss Swan. The way you willingly sacrificed yourself for Henry, so selfless. It’s almost as if I saw you in another light- that perhaps you aren't just a nuisance, you aren't just here to destroy everything I care about, that maybe just maybe you love and care for Henry just as much as I do. I wanted to say thank you, to be safe, to bring him home to me… to us. It was as if I could almost kiss you, but I can’t. You are you, and well, I am me.
November 18th , 2011.
I don’t know what hurts more: the fact you hit me, or the fact he chose you. It all came down to that moment in front of a building so close to my heart, containing the hearts of all who betrayed me, and how I long to add yours to the collection. If I had the power I could turn you into my blonde puppet and have you at my feet, doing whatever I say and whatever I please. I could do to you what I did to him, before he chose you. I can understand the excitement of a new face in a town, but you are the face of destruction, here to destroy me. The way your fist hit my face reminded me of all the power you have to take away everything I love. It was time to take it back. So I sat back and watched as he fell to the ground in front of you, as he took his last breath. There was nothing you could do to save him. That is my satisfaction.
November 23rd , 2011.
I could see those muscles the day you cut my tree, but I had no idea that one day I would feel them so close to me. The way I begged you to not leave me there, the only vulnerability I'll ever allow you to see. You never judged me for my weakness. On the contrary, you looked at me, lifted me up and carried me. I have never known a woman to feel quite so soft and tough at the same time. You smelled like cinnamon; I never knew I liked the smell until you. It goes quite well with apples, don’t you think? You yelled at me, covered in soot and smoke, even though I had to damage your reputation. You don’t understand, Miss Swan. If you win it’s the beginning of a downward spiral to everyone having their happy endings back, but with me left cast out and shamed. I must stop this before all of us get hurt. Before you and I do something, before I pull you close to smell you, to get the chance to taste you, to feel the way your muscles would move against my skin, the way they could pin me down and take me to new heights. It's all becoming a weakness, and the worst part of it all is that I think that you are becoming my weakness.
November 28th , 2011.
Bringing that small amount of magic back from that hell was the only solace that I received from facing one of the darkest parts of my soul and past. An apple, grown from the finest of trees, with the power to lull one to sleep for eternity. I finally have the power to remove you from my life, from Henry’s life. It will bring me such comfort knowing that no one will be able to bring you back and my curse will be safe. I'll knead, cut, flavour, and bake the most delicate of pastries that will bring you to your knees. The perfect apple turnover, so the question remains how do I get the saviour to taste my forbidden fruit? Do I send you on your way, do I invite you into the most private of places within my home?
November 28th, 2011 (Part 2).
WHY? WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST LEAVE? You never believed anything and you let him take the fall for you. He ate what was meant for you, and now I am stuck here watching him laying in that bed, his breath faltering, his body frail and small. It should have been you, not him. Any sort of feelings I possibly had for you are gone, you are nothing, Miss Swan, and I shall destroy you completely. You took him away from me, but now I am going to make sure I take you away from the world. But then…
But then you threw me against that locker, your face so close to mine and I couldn’t hide anything from you anymore, I became weak. I told you the truth, and the way you looked at me with complete and utter anger and disgust… but it doesn’t matter. I don't care. All that does matter is that we need to try and save our son from dying, no matter how high the cost will be. With another bottle of wine empty and a glass full, I sit here all alone in my house, no noise from Henry. No video games, no turning of a page of a book. It all happened so fast, one minute he was here, the next he’s gone with you. Now that the curse is broken, it won’t be long before they all come after me, and that’s okay. I’m saddened, I'm hurt but most of all I am angry, angry that all it took was a kiss from you, upon his head, for him to awaken. It seems that the universe has decreed that you are his mother, not I. Although I raised him, changed his diapers, soothed his fevers and watched him grow. All it took was for you to walk into this town and believe in all of his stories for him to love you. It might be time for me to leave and hide. But know that I will always be here and I will always love you, Henry. As for you, Miss Swan, I cannot stand to even look you in the eye, as you have destroyed every part of my life, without even trying.
November 29th, 2011.
I never expected that you, of all people, would have stood up in front of everyone and stopped what was about to occur. You said it was for Henry, but I saw that glimpse in your eyes. Even though there was anger clearly written on your face, I saw that glimpse of passion and determination and even possibly hope? Whatever it is, I don't plan on sticking around to try and find out. We both know that had it not been for Henry, you would be the first one to have my head on the chopping block.. Without my magic here I am weak, Miss Swan, and it shames me to admit that I have to rely on you to keep me safe.
December 1st, 2011. (Part One)
What have you done to my son? Why is it that he cannot stand me? What have you said to him? Have you corrupted him to hate every inch of me? Is he feeling vindicated now? That because the curse has been broken, I am and always will be the Evil Queen? I raised that boy with all the love I can have for one soul and in an instant it has all been stripped from me, simply because I am a villain. I will make him come home and make him love me. He is my son, not yours, and I will not have you stand in the way of being his mother, when I am. I will make him love me again if it is the last thing I do.
December 1st, 2011 (Part Two)
You win, Miss Swan. He is yours. It doesn’t matter how much I give him, how much I try to make him stay, he doesn’t want to be here and he’s made it perfectly clear he doesn’t want or love me. Please just love him, cook him meals from the heart, read to him every night, soothe all of his fevers and be the mother he needs. Do the job that he will not allow me to do. It's better this way, that way no one gets hurt and I am left alone, just like I should be. Outcast and a Villian.
December 7th, 2011.
You. All it took was you to touch me and suddenly my magic was back? I don’t understand how we could have achieved that. I knew that magic was different here once it was established that day in which you rescued me in front of the townspeople—all it took was you. It seems you are my savior yet again. I finally begin to feel like me again and it's all because of you, Miss Swan. Is there a possibility that you're going to save me too? But now, I can’t even thank you because you and that imbecile of a mother have literally fallen into the trap, into what can only be described as oblivion. Now, I am stuck here with your father, who, let’s be honest, is completely useless and clueless without your mother. On top of that, I have to explain to our son where you have gone and how it is actually not my fault? He won’t believe me, not after all the town has so quickly dubbed me the Evil Queen once again. And with all the gossip and the rumors, it’s no wonder he won't believe me.
December 9th,2011.
I promised him I wouldn’t use any magic and I intend to stick to that. But what makes this so much harder is the fact I cannot have him here—Daniel-alive and living the life we were always destined to. He’s the reason for Henry’s middle name, my first love. The reason for this all. My happy ending was taken away, so I took everyone else’s. Back to my problem at hand, coming back from Archie’s office, I saw him. I had to see for myself that his body was still in my vault- but he was gone. Then suddenly he was back and it was as if I was 19, accepting his proposal and about to run away. But just as quickly as I felt that, I had to take it away. His final words spoke to me, “Let me go—then love again.” So, in a matter of moments, I broke a promise and lost a part of myself—again. With the longing words of “love again” in my mind—is that even possible? It feels unlikely, but somehow doesn’t.
December 12th, 2011.
He dreamt of you. Well, your mother. But it means there’s something there—you’re still there— you’re alive. I feel myself missing you, Miss Swan. Your charm, your fight, your blonde hair and green eyes. Dare I even say I miss that ghastly red jacket of yours? Is there a possibility that you could be something more than just the woman who gave birth to Henry or the sheriff of Storybrooke and even the product of true love? If only I could see for myself that you are safe.
Henry will return, night after night until we figure out the safest way to bring you home- I’d much rather leave Snow White behind.
December 20th, 2011.
I honestly did not want to leave you in that godforsaken hell, no matter what it may have looked like. I was trying to stop my mother from arriving and if only you knew that it wasn’t to keep you away, it was to keep everyone safe. Desperate times call for desperate measures. My mother isn’t someone that you can just get along with. She is the torturous, manipulative and all around image-focused Cora Mills. I was so close to ensuring that I had completely stopped their entry and I thought I had succeeded. Henry, however, convinced me to reconsider. Made me hopeful that instead of mother, you might have been victorious over Mother. And then, seeing you crawl up and out of that well felt as if you were almost coming home to me. The relief on your face, along with the look of gratitude and possibly feelings? Oh, that couldn’t possibly be it. It was probably me projecting, mirroring the relief on your features, right? Still, that look, Miss Swan, made the breath suddenly leave my chest, and I ached to reach out and touch you and mold my lips against yours, to thank you. But it’s wrong. You’re my enemy. This cannot happen.
December 20th, 2011. (Part Two)
You invited me to dinner. I had to make something, something to show you just how thankful I am that you returned. Unlike the rest of the town, you don’t look at me like I am evil. Misunderstood perhaps, but not as evil nonetheless. I guess what I am trying to say, Miss Swan, is that I am trying. Trying to be good, trying to be deserving of Henry and you. The only thing I know that can make Henry smile is a slice of my lasagne. I add chilli flakes to give it a kick, but you’d know that if you came and spoke to me. It was painfully clear that even though you invited me, I wasn’t welcome. You were the undoing, Miss Swan. Because of your meddling, I no longer have a son, I know longer have respect from the townspeople, and I am ostracized from everyone. Just like I was before. I am as one would call it, alone. Being at Granny’s, surrounded by everyone whose lives I had previously destroyed, reminded me as to why I did it in the first place. The looks of disgust and hatred, shame and unwelcomeness. I quickly got my queue to leave, not wanting to be on the receiving end of their ire. And yet, what hurts the most out of everything is the fact you will deny me access to my son. I raised him Miss Swan, I have the legal rights, you have nothing. This isn’t fair. The idea that you followed me outside, spoke to me about how I am his mother, but yet not allowing me to see him or spend time with me, is evil.
December 24th, 2011.
I didn’t think it could get worse, but I was wrong. Being the most hated and evil person leaves you with no one who trusts you, who believes in you and is determined to find out the truth. I didn’t kill Archie. I promised Henry I would never be that evil again, that I would never use magic. Archie is the only one who knows the struggles I am going through, having everything ripped from me. He knows the deepest and darkest secrets about me and was the only one believing in my redemption. Why would I murder him? For what grounds and what reason? Why would I risk losing what little chance I have at having my son in my life? Although Archie may be some little cricket, he is the only person I have in this town on my side. I wish you could look at me, trust me and believe me. Instead of siding with your doting parents—who have only ever wished for my downfall.
December 26th, 2011.
Well, as usual Mother has come and reminded me of who is really in charge. She has ensured that I am alone, her revenge for throwing her into the mirror all those years ago. How bittersweet the reunion is, with the promises of a better relationship. How I long for that, to finally have a mother after all these years. Oh, Miss Swan. If you could see her and I now, laughing, talking and spending time together. She really appears to have turned a leaf. She insists she wants a better life for herself and me and I’m inclined to believe her. There is history between us, and I’m a bit wary because of it all, but she seems to be trying. I would so much want you to see that for me as well. But you’ve barely acknowledged me, looked at me or allowed me to see Henry. You have never given me a chance to show you who I am, how I have changed over the years since I cast the curse… But unfortunately this is how it goes. I cannot even blame you anymore. I hope one day you’ll allow me to see Henry, to be his mother and allow me to take my rightful place within the town of Storybrooke.
December 28th, 2011.
It seems as though everything and everyone I have ever loved, leaves. Whether by choice or by murder. Mother was showing me who she truly was. She was a mother who simply wanted nothing but the best for me, no matter the circumstances. I was finally learning what it was like to have her actually be there and take an interest in me. Things with her have never been easy between marrying me off to your grandfather to killing Daniel right in front of me. She has never once taken the time to be there for me, until now. It kills me that I’ll never be able to find out if we could have really had a chance to start over. But no, your incompentent mother had to just go and kill her! As if that wasn’t cruel enough, she was too weak and cowardly to do it herself. No, she used me to do it instead, manipulating my actions. How is that fair?! What right does she have to constantly take everything away from me? She has never been able to keep a secret or been able to allow anyone but herself to have happiness. Still, there is one joy I get out of her doing what she did, is knowing she has the beginning of a black heart, just like mine.
Would you even care, Miss Swan? Knowing that your own mother is a murderer just like me? Or do you still think that she’s good and selfless? Would you still side with her, after everything that she’s done? Or are you too much of a hero to see? Would you ever see it all from my perspective?
December 29th, 2011.
You took Henry out of Storybrooke, with Mr. Gold, and for what? To bring his devoted son back that just happens to be Henry’s father? If you think this is some way to bring your family back together you are mistaken. I don’t understand how you could possibly think this is a good idea, after all wasn’t he the man that left you stranded? Framed you for a robbery and left you pregnant and in prison? You really don’t have a great taste in men, Miss Swan. I do not want my son talking and hanging out with such a disgrace of a father, he doesn’t deserve that title. I will not have Henry learning traits and risking the possibility of following in his footsteps, or possibly even your footsteps when you were, what, 16? The first time I laid eyes on Neal—you can tell he is Mr. Gold’s son through and through—I knew that he could not be trusted. If you had any sort of respect for me, the mother who raised Henry, you would not allow that relationship to build. But I suppose even that’s too much to ask of you.
December 30th, 2011.
I let Henry down, I was just trying to keep him safe by taking him away from all of this. Charming and Snow White are going to lock me away—forever. I will never be able to see Henry or be his mother. I just tried to convince him to leave with me, show him that your parents had the magic beans to wipe out Storybrooke.. He didn't believe me, he told me I had never changed, I am still the Evil Queen. All I wanted to do was keep him safe…with me. I did the one thing I swore I would never do, I used magic on Henry. It was a small memory erasing spell, but I betrayed him. I broke a promise, I let my son down. But no matter what, I will ensure Henry stays with me, no matter the cost.
December 30th, 2011. (Part Two)
There is nothing more for me to simply be able to fight anymore. I had no idea that Greg was once that little boy I had longed for, who’s life I had destroyed. It wasn’t meant to be this way, people were not meant to enter Storybrooke. I wasn’t meant to be restrained to a bench, with wires attached to my head. The electricity shooting through my body—I could feel everything Emma, in ways I have never felt before. My body felt on fire, my fingers aching to grip onto anything, my voice stuck within my throat, willing to escape, to yell and call for you. The higher the velocity of electricity, the more I wanted to give in. What was there to live for anymore, I thought at that moment. But then it hit me. I have Henry, the boy I raised and loved, but I also have you Emma. Everything else around me was black, but the only light within was the colour of your hair, your blonde locks, your green eyes looking at me, just like the night we first met, that sheepish smile appearing on your face. I knew that if I made it out of here alive, I’d have to make things right with both you and Henry. You two were the only reason I fought. Even if you would never think the same of me.
December 30th, 2011. (Part Three)
Emma, how I long to wrap you safely in my arms, to stop the pain you're feeling. You lost him, the one man you've loved, the one who you created the most amazing boy with. Henry’s father. I know how much you wanted him in the end, to make it work, to be the family you always should have been with Henry. I am sorry it came to this, it is all my fault. You should not have come and tried to save me, things would have been easier if it was me in Neal’s place and not him. I’m sorry, Emma. I hope that you can forgive me one day. I know that you wouldn’t believe me if I said any of this out loud. I made it abundantly clear that I never liked him, after all. Still, I know that despite everything, he was an important person in your life. And as much as I loathe to admit it, he helped make Henry as well. I still despise the bastard, but I do feel sad knowing how much his loss of life has affected you.
January 2nd, 2012.
If it wasn't bad enough that I had to see you pining after Neal, now I have to witness a pirate pining after you. He doesn’t deserve you. He couldn't love you the way you deserve. I’d like to see the great Captain Guyliner make you breakfast in bed, bring you flowers on days that end in Y, to bring you a hot cocoa with cinnamon and a bear claw on the side, because honestly, Miss Swan, you have the biggest sweet tooth I have ever seen in a woman and frankly I find it adorable. He doesn’t deserve to see you when you first wake up, blonde hair fanned all over the pillow, the sleepy voice begging for 5 minutes more of sleep. If you had any sort of taste, Miss Swan, you would stay away from him. If you really had good taste, you would stay away from anyone that isn't me.
January 4th, 2012.
I can't believe he is gone again. You were supposed to be taking care of him, looking after him and most importantly protecting him! How could you have let this happen Miss Swan, and to think I was finally trusting you as a parent. Clearly you're failing at that one task if our son has been taken. What is the most horrible experience I now have to deal with, you may ask? Being stuck on a pirate ship with Captain Guyliner, your sickening parents and well you, Miss Swan. I don't want to be in any radius of you, otherwise I will rip your heart out for allowing this to happen to Henry. If anything has happened to him, it will lead to your demise Miss Swan. I refuse to allow you to live, whilst my son is possibly—I don't even want to write the words down.
January 5th, 2012. (Part One)
Why do you have to be so infuriatingly attractive? I am meant to be mad at you, but my god. I had no idea just how toned and muscled you were. The way you pulled those ropes, the water wetting you, your hair getting stuck to your face. I could feel things within me that haven't been aroused in quite some time. I felt myself compelled to pull you under deck, to feel every inch of your body, every mound and every curve. I longed to trace parts of you, to feel the way you'd react to my touch. My fingertips leaving a trail of goosebumps, my lips moving with yours, the softest of sounds escaping out, our bodies moving as one. But, no. I will not allow this to happen.
Oh, and how I'd like to throw that leather wearing, pig head of a man off the ship and down into the depth of the seas. He continually looks at you as if he was a lion and you were his prey…
I am still mad at you, even if you look delectable.
January 6th, 2012. (Part One)
Emma, I’ve realized something. It was…selfish of me to have taken you away from your parents. Despite the fact you’re reunited, in the real world you're simply an orphan. Abandoned on the side of the road, no family to call home. All for my own selfish needs, to get my happy ending, to destroy your parents happiness. To let everyone live a life of misery without even knowing it, all for me to end up the one in misery and you feeling like an orphan. But, would we be where we are now, if any of this ever happened? We would not be out here, finding our son. Overcoming our issues and becoming united. Henry’s moms coming to his rescue. There is a lot in life that I regret, but making you an orphan is something I will never regret, because it led us to this moment right here, right now.
January 6th, 2012. (Part Two)
You kissed him. That vile man, wearing nothing but tight leather clothing, always smelling like rum and sweat. I wish I knew what compelled you to do it. I wish I could understand why you're picking him over someone like me. I know that I haven’t always been the perfect person, yes I have murdered - but so did he. And I changed. The moment I adopted Henry I changed, and I guess I also changed when I met you Miss Swan. Yes, you enraged me, angered me and even sombered me. But it made me realise, you are special and perhaps even unique—no you are unique, and it’s one of the many things that has made me fall for you. But, like anything it is not that simple—you have now chosen that ghastly messy man, when you could have had a sophisticated and complex woman. I don’t know why I am always writing as if you would ever feel something for me, I don't even know if you are attracted to women. Although, from what I have read on the internet, a lesbian can dress just like you, but also just like me.
January 6th, 2012. (Part Three)
You actually took my side. You allowed me to do what I do best: take out a heart and use it to our advantage, to find our son. You showed me tonight that we can work together, that we can put our differences aside for the sake of Henry. It allows us the chance to find him, bring him home and move forward in a more positive and hopeful way. Emma, the way in which you looked at me, reminded me that I am not all evil. Despite everything that I have done, that look made me realize that you understand me in ways that I may not understand myself. We will bring Henry home if it is the last thing we ever do.
January 6th, 2012. (Part Four).
He’s alive! Our beautiful Henry, alive and well. Oh, how I longed to reach out to him, to hold your hand, to make everything okay again. This Neverland is horrific, but having you here makes it better. We have so much to do in order to bring him home, but every little step we take, we become closer to bringing him home. I see you as his other mother, I see the way your brows frowned with worry before we finally got in contact and had that reassurance. The sigh of relief you let out when you saw him smile, the way in which you moved closer to me—or was it so you could get closer to the mirror to see Henry? It doesn't matter, Emma.. Henry’s alive and okay!
January 7th, 2012. (Part One)
Oh, Miss Swan, the moment we saved Henry, I knew you were special. The way in which you risked everything to ensure he was okay, proves just how much you love him. The way you care for him, you may not have been there to raise him, whether that was washing his clothes, feeding, soothing his aches and pains, but that doesnt matter. You are here now, proving yourself to Henry and to me, just how much you are in this.
I see you Emma. I think I have seen you for some time now. I see the way you glance at me when you think I can’t see, I see the way you always allow me to speak, to always say what's on my mind. You allow me to be me, and no one has ever done that. You're not just a pretty face, Miss Swan. You are so much more than that and I want to unravel every layer, in every way possible.
I can’t believe it took me so long just to write that down.
January 8th, 2012
After even more trials and tribulations, we finally got him. Our darling son, the one with the heart of the truest believer, is back where he belongs. He looks so happy and relieved, as do you Miss Swan. I have never been so thrilled to board a pirate ship back to Storybrooke, but heading home and back to normality sounds pretty relaxing to me. Maybe now, as you have seen a different side to me Emma, you will allow me to see my son more often, allow me to be his mother again. This back and forth game is just becoming torture and we don’t need to be runnning around in circles, we both just need to present and there for our son. I will never admit to you that I have referred to him as our son, it’s something that I shall hold close to me. For now at least. Maybe once things have settled down and we can work out a suitable routine, I might allow you to know. For now, I shall sit here and watch the rise and fall of Henry’s chest, just to ensure he is okay.
January 9th, 2012
I really thought we had gotten rid of Pan, I really did. He was meant to have been sucked into Pandora’s box, like Rumple said. How could that have gone so terribly wrong? I should have been more careful, I should have protected Henry better. But now, I let us all down. How are we supposed to stop this? How are we supposed to ensure that everyone will be safe, Henry and you included? This wasn’t supposed to happen! We were meant to just come home and start to live our lives as the combined Swan-Mills (that has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it) family. Figuring out our dysfunctional family one day at a time, but no. We have to spend another moment of our lives figuring out how to save us, to stop us from heading to the Enchanted Forest and disappearing into nothing but fairytales again. I have spent countless hours with my head in the books trying to find some sort of solution, some sort of ending where we all stay. Where no one would be left behind. I am sorry, Emma. I seem to be failing.
January 10th, 2012.
It turns out, the only way to save you and Henry is to let you both go. This is not something that I want, this is something that has to be done. I finally got Henry back, we were finally becoming on a good path and now I have to let him go, and you too. I want to be able to spend as much time with him as I can, because once you both leave I shall never see you again. You will both live in a world without me, you’ll both have forgotten me, but I will never forget the both of you. Emma. We haven't even had a chance to explore what has changed between us, but that unfortunately is life. I can’t do anything to fight it. What I can do is give you the memories I had with Henry. You will experience and remember every part of his life, in your own story. It’s the only way I can ensure you will both be happy. I don’t dare to say this out loud. I just barely dare write this at all. But I will miss you terribly. You have become such an integral part of my life, without even trying. You lighten up my days and challenge me in many mysterious ways. I really was beginning to like you—perhaps maybe even love you. But I suppose we will never know what could have been.
January 11th, 2012.
I never realised just how much I have hated wearing the ‘Evil Queens clothes’ until I came back here. This is not home, it never was. Home is wherever you and Henry are. Your doting mother and father have taken the lead as per usual, citing to take charge of the kingdom again. I have no interest in anything. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be anywhere other than with the two of you. But that is not possible anymore. I am stuck in this hell, with the constant reminder of who I was, in a land that has struggled to exist the past 28 years.
I did ride a horse for the first time in a long time, and that did bring me some sort of happiness, but it only lasted for a brief moment.
I have no idea how I am meant to survive in a world without the two of you. It hasn't even been a few days, yet I am already finding it hard to breathe, talk, eat, and even sleep. If this is what heartbreak feels like, I don't want a heart. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I feel as though this will be my last entry—I have nothing to write for anymore, I know that there is a sleeping curse apple around here somewhere in which I can use to sleep for the rest of eternity. In my dreams, I will be home and safe with you both.
January 12th, 2013.
It’s odd. One day I was in the Enchanted Forest, but now I am back here in Storybrooke. Even more odd, no one remembers the past year. Your mother is pregnant and let me tell you, the unCharmings are worse than last time. But, and I'll rip out your heart if you dare tell anyone this, I am looking forward to the little one arriving. I hope he or she has your hair and your eyes so that you can continue to live on. I don't know if you would have any idea we are back, or if you have any memories at all. I guess I'll start this as the fresh countdown of day 1 of the rest of my life without Emma and Henry.
January 14th, 2013.
I dreamt of you last night. It seemed to have started innocently enough, it was you and I discussing how to save both you and Henry- how we could all stay in Storybrooke. We talked a lot, before suddenly your lips were on mine, so soft and tender. Begging me for entrance, our tongues mixing together as we taste one another for the first time, you tasted slightly of hot cocoa and cinnamon. Your hands glided themselves along my curves, teasing and caressing like I was a porcelain doll. The first time you touched my skin, I felt a fire within me erupt. The more I could feel you over me, the more I craved you. The moment you laid me down on the nearest surface, your fingers struggling to undo the buttons of my shirt, my legs wrapping around your waist- pulling you closer, I was certain that this was meant to be. Your mouth left a trail of bites and marks, claiming me and enveloping me in only what can be described solely as you. As your fingers traveled south, towards the most intimate of places on me, I could feel myself shaking in anticipation. I could almost feel you touching me as if you were right there, in front of me, not in my dreams. I could feel you slowly entering me, the euphoric moans escaping both of our lips as the feeling of uniting as one, began. I wish I could describe how good you made me feel, from the way I clenched around your fingers, to draw you closer. Wrapping myself around you, the way you traced my body with your lips, memorizing every mound, every dip and enticing every sound from within the deepest parts of me, and as I came, I could feel my breath leave my lungs, and my throat trapping a sob of pleasure- As quick as I had orgasmed it was over. Awake and reminded that it was all a dream, and as the emotions washed over me, So did my hands and that’s the first time I touched myself to the thought of you.
January 16th, 2013.
You’re back and you have your memories. But Henry doesn’t. He doesn't know who I am, what I did for him, or anything at all. I don't know what hurts the most: the fact that he doesn’t remember or the look in his eyes deep down like he does recognise me. He looks happy, I will admit that you both do. I have never seen you smile so much, look so free and so relaxed. It makes me wonder why you even came back at all? I appreciate that you have allowed me to spend some sort of time with Henry, he tells me you were dating a man… I can't help but feel my heart break, knowing that even in your erased memories you found solace in someone that wasn’t me. I can't be mad at you. It’s not your fault.
Henry, well I don’t think I have ever seen him talk about anything so passionately. No wait, I lie. He talked passionately about the story book... But he wouldn’t have any recollection of that…
This is one of the hardest moments I have ever had to live with. I don't know how I can continue on with a son that does not recognise his own mother.
January 17th, 2013.
A potion, that is what we need. A simple fucking memory potion and everything will be back to normal. I will have Henry back, he will remember me and well Emma, I can focus on you. I can focus on helping you realise what is in front of you. I don't mean that pirate, I mean me. I felt as though in Neverland we started what could have been ‘magical’, but everything was ripped away from us before we even had the chance to explore any of it. We will have to wait for that of course, as my primary focus will always be Henry’s wellbeing. I know I have plenty of books that contain the recipe, and if we work together just like we did in Neverland, we can achieve the goal. It may not be as simple as that, but somewhere in all the books there has to be the answer.
Searching for Henry’s book was a daunting task. How can it be so hard to find? It had to be the way in which Henry retrieves his memories, after all it was the original reason for breaking the curse. If only we could find it…perhaps it no longer exists in Storybrooke. We have tried certain smells and items, but nothing. This has to be the only way, recreating the potion that you drank. In some ways that pirate was useful, I admit. He brought you back to me, but he was also completely useless in that he didn't have enough of the potion for Henry. I don’t know what else I can do to bring his memories home.
Present Time.
Upon the return from New York, things between Emma and Regina were difficult. There were the unspoken rules around Henry—who still had no recollection of who Regina even was. Things in Storybrooke had been weird to say the least. No one could remember what had transpired in the missing year, Snow and Charming were having another baby, most people had questions about what they did, who they saw, how they even returned and no one had the answers. Not even Regina, the last year within her journal was missing too. The last entry, before Emma and Henry returned, was the goodbye and the one entry in the Enchanted Forest..
With the addition of Henry not remembering those around him, was hard for everyone but more so Regina. All she had wanted to do was hold him close and tell him she loved him. But she had just resulted in taking him for ice cream and talking about the ‘happy’ life he had in New York.
Things with Emma were weird to begin with. Before leaving they had built a relationship- a friendship of sorts. An understanding surrounding themselves and Henry. Regina wasn’t able to focus on whatever it was that was previously transpiring between her and Emma, it was time they worked together to find a solution to end the curse on Henry and bring back his memories.
It had started with secret meetings, sometimes in Regina’s vault, late at night. Flipping through the endless pages of books, retaining potions, stories and possible answers. Often Regina would scold Emma for fiddling and breaking items in the way that only she could. They’d work late into the night, with Emma often running down to Granny’s, picking up a kale salad for Regina.
There was a day they locked themselves in Regina’s office, testing out a memory potion they had replicated from the smallest leftovers of the potion Hook had given Emma in New York. It had been a tedious task, aligning out all the ingredients, ensuring the measurements are all correct before allowing it to do its magic. The sizzling sounds of the potion combining is all that is heard in the room so quiet. Regina softly grabs the glass before looking across at Emma.
“Regina, is it going to work?” Emma’s eyes reached Regina’s, taking a moment to breathe. This would be the moment of truth, all of their hard work and research will be known in just a moment. Regina looked at Emma nervously, shrugging.
“ There’s only one way to find out.” Bringing the potion to her lips, the smell less than enticing, she gulped it down. As the liquid slid down her throat, they waited. To no avail. The potion failed. All that work to recreate the potion only for it to fail. They were back at square one, wondering if they will ever be able to regain Henry’s memories. Emma looked at Regina expectantly.
“ Well did it work? ”
Sighing heavily, the only sound to be heard in the room was a potion glass shattered against the wall as Regina let out a frustrated growl, Emma flinched slightly.
“ Either that wall did something to you in the past year or it didn't work .” Emma tried to make light of the situation. Her comment didn’t surprise Regina. She knew Emma well enough to know that being silly in serious moments is Emma’s forte.
“ I must have missed an ingredient .” Regina sighed softly, her hands falling on her hips.
“Can we try again ?” Emma looked up at Regina, almost hopeful.
“ I already used up what's left of the potion Hook gave you. There’s nothing left to replicate. I can’t live in this town if Henry doesn't remember me, it's worse than any curse I ever could have cast.” Regina bit her bottom lip, walking away from Emma for a moment before muttering under her breath. The thought of only Emma remembering her for the rest of their lives was a haunting possibility, how could they ever be a family? It wasn’t supposed to be this hard, it was all supposed to work out smoothly. The potion was meant to work; it was the only option they had left.
“ What if we could find the person that cast the curse? ”
“ Haven't you been paying attention, I can't make any more potions! ” Regina turned, stepping closer to Emma as she snapped at her. Regina was frustrated and mad. The potion was something so simple, how could they have messed it up so easily?
“ Well, if we figure out who did this to everyone, then we can grill them for answers. Maybe we can figure out the solution ,” Emma suggested.
“ Maybe, but in the meantime, we should continue to look in the books just in case there is anything we missed. Come over to my place tonight at 7. Don't be late. ” Regina walked out of the office in a rush, she's determined to find the antidote and bring her entire family back to her.
At around 7pm, Emma arrived at Regina's, locking themselves in Regina’s personal office. They looked through book after book, page after page, trying to find a solution, trying to find the one potion that would bring back Henry’s memories. It was about 10pm when Regina finally sighed from exhaustion. She looked up from the book she was currently reading. It had been hours,and they weren’t making much progress. Standing, Regina walked over to the last pile of books on her desk, splitting up the pile into two stacks. She decided to take the ones on the top of the pile, leaving the rest for Emma. Grabbing Emma’s pile of books, Regina thrust them into Emma’s hands and told her to go home to read. Regina proceeded to lock herself in her office, flipping through page after page, potions about turning someone into a frog, true love’s kiss, silence spells, nothing that was of use to her in the present moment. Every now and then, she would find a page describing a potion to cause memory loss, but not a potion to restore it. Sighing, Regina headed to the kitchen, she needed a glass of wine before diving back into the hundreds and hundreds of pages.
Emma had locked herself in her parents loft, a flashlight hung above her as she flipped through the pile of books Regina had passed her. She picked up a light brown book; it was unnamed but looked well-used and loved. Emma’s fingers traced over the soft leather cover, before opening it, only then reading in the most delicate of cursive writing. “The property of Regina Mills.” Emma assumed that it was a book relating to all the potions that she has ever created. Flipping to the next page, it became increasingly clear that the book Regina had given her wasn’t related to potions whatsoever, but had journal pieces written—about her! And maybe, upon realizing what she was reading, she should’ve stopped, but Emma just couldn’t. The more she read, the more it became clear, it was about them. From the times when Regina absolutely loathed Emma—she couldn't help but chuckle at some of the statements, like the ghastly red jacket - to the moments where she became attracted, infatuated, jealous, hopeful, and finally the time she admitted those three little words. Emma stayed awake all night, forgetting the books on magic and potions, but instead absorbing every word written. Upon reaching the final page Emma’s heart ached, her soul ached to touch hers, to let her know that every emotion Regina felt, Emma had felt too. She wasn’t alone in it, and she wouldn't be alone now.
Without thinking Emma grabbed the journal and stormed out of the loft, making her way over to Regina’s mansion. She knocked loudly on the door over and over, until it was finally answered. Out of breath and flustered, she manages to choke out a few words before holding up the journal right in the center of Regina’s vision.
“Regina we need to talk.”
Emma standing there, her blonde hair just below her shoulders, one hand on her hip and the look- oh, the look on her face. If there was one look that Emma Swan could pull off, it was the softness and harshness of “What the fuck is going on?”. Finally, the real reason Emma Swan was standing at the door, was right in the palm of her hand. The journal Regina had spent countless years writing, her true feelings, right there, for her to read. She had never meant for Emma to find it, let alone read it, it was something she had always swore to herself that she would keep hidden.
“ Miss Swan, I do not know what you are talking about.”
“Don't Miss Swan me, Regina. You know exactly what this is!”
Regina took a step down to be on the same level as Emma, agony churning in her stomach. It was never meant for her to read. And she knew there wasn’t getting out of this conversation but she needed to try, anyway.
“It is nothing Miss Swan, I suggest you take that book of stories and go home. You're meant to be researching to save our son. Not reading whatever it is that you are.”
“Book of stories? Regina, this isn't a book of stories. By the looks of it and from what I have read it is clear that this is a journal. A journal you have written about…me.”
“Miss Swan, you know nothing and what you claim to have read is nothing. I don't know what you're trying to achieve here, but it needs to stop or so help me, I will destroy you.” It even sounded lame to her own ears.
“Destroy me Regina? And how is that going to help our son! Get over yourself and start admitting your feelings and telling the truth and stop hiding!”
“Get over myself!” Regina inched herself closer and closer to Emma, this wasn’t what she had in mind, but she sure as hell wasn’t about to reveal the truth. “Give it back and leave NOW. I’m not doing whatever this is with you.” She stretched out a demanding hand, wriggled her fingers to indicate for Emma to hand it over.
But Emma didn’t.
Instead, Regina had to helplessly watch how Emma took a step back, opened the journal, flicked through the myriad of pages, declaring hatred, jealousy and feelings.
“ Cut the crap Regina. What the hell does this mean then? She tapped on a specific page. “ ‘January 8th, 2012.
Saying goodbye to the two of you was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Knowing I'll never get to wake Henry up, watch as his sleepy self barely manages to feed himself correctly. The way he lights up at the mention of spending time with his grandparents of true love, but even more so with the mention of his other mother- you. My dear Swan. How am I going to be able to live in a world without you? The days will turn mundane as I long to see your green eyes, your red jacket, your legs in those ever so tight blue jeans. Hearing you call me Madame Mayor, Regina or even perhaps what has been the sweetest way in which one can say my name- Gina. The curse put upon this town is one that will never be able to be reversed. I have gone now, back to the enchanted forest, with you in the world that had become my home for so long. I told you the biggest gift I could give you, was happy memories with Henry. The life he and I lived, before all of this. It was the only way I could try and tell you- that somewhere along the breaking of a curse, the constant back and forth, that I fell in love with you. I fell in love with your strength, your determination, your ability to see the truth, your honesty, your fight but most importantly every single part of you. From your sweet tooth, to your heart. But, you're gone and I'll never be able to say those three words to you- it's true that villains don't get their happy endings. I may be stuck in this curse, but to me Miss Swan, not having you is the worst curse imaginable.’”
Regina looked at Emma with a blank face. What more could be done? Regina could no longer deny or hide from the truth. It was all out there, the unspoken hidden truths of her heart and mind. There was no going back. Stepping forward slowly and surely, watching Emma’s face, Regina couldn’t help but notice the way Emma’s breath slightly faltered, her eyes grazing over Regina’s body, before finally connecting with a knowing and longing look with Regina. Regina used her left hand to softly run her fingers along Emma’s, waiting for their fingers to intertwine. Regina used her right hand to tuck some of Emma’s hair behind her ear.
Finally, Regina sighed, and her shoulders sagged. Her voice was so soft, barely a whisper when she started speaking, yet Emma heard every word clearly.
“It’s true Emma, all of it. Every word written in that journal has been every emotion and every feeling I have ever felt for you. I don’t care who sees us, I don’t care who knows. All I know is not being with you, and not loving you is the worst curse imaginable. I love you, Emma Swan.”
Regina waited, her heart beating at an erratic rate as she waited to be rejected, her eyes slowly closing, her breaths becoming shorter and more deeper, shaky even. She waited for what felt like an eternity. Emma moved closer, a small smile appearing on her face, meeting Regina halfway.
“Regina Mills, you are the most stubborn, irritating, beautiful, evil, good, remarkable woman I have ever met. You raised our son, loved him as if you birthed him. You have fought me tooth and nail at every corner, I went from hating you, to respecting you, to liking you and to falling in love with you. There is no-one that has captured or drawn me in the way you have. I am in love with you, Regina Mills.”
Regina’s eyes shot open upon these words. Emma leaned forward, softly pressing her lips against Regina’s, waiting for the movement to become one. Slowly and surely, they fit together perfectly, the soft movements of mouths opening, tongues finding one another in an exploration so new, yet so familiar. The sounds of footsteps unbeknownst to them, the interruption surprising them in the most pleasant of ways.
“Moms!”
Pulling apart slowly, the smiles appearing on their faces as the only words that could be heard, was Regina finally realizing her son was home.
“Henry!”