Work Text:
Emily blinked back fogginess in her mind, she had to keep running. She was so close, she had make it to the parking garage. She knew JJ needed her. She could sense it. She had always been able to sense when JJ needed her and now, she could feel that something was immensely wrong. Something just wasn't adding up, she had to find JJ. She called JJ over the radio but there's no answer. Emily runs, as fast as she can until she gets to the garage. JJ, she's there. She's laying on the ground, blood pooled around her. So much blood. Emily screams for a medic over the radio but JJ...she's already dead....
Emily shot awake, gasping for air, drenched in sweat. Her chest was tight, not allowing her to breathe deeply. She blinked into the darkness, flailing her hand across the hotel nightstand until she found the lamp switch. She could feel bile in her throat as heavy sobs shook her body with full force. After a minute or two, she managed to dig around her bag for her anxiety medication. It was nearly 03:00 but she knew she wasn't going to get back to sleep again, not after that. She was too nervous that as soon as she shut her eyes, all she would see was JJ, alone in the parking garage, dead.
She opened the notes app in her phone to log the nightmare, it had been something her therapist wanted her to do. Not that she needed to log the details, every nightmare was always the same. It was always JJ.
Emily had been the BAU Unit Chief for a little over three years when JJ had been shot while trying to stop Everett and Grace Lynch from escaping custody. Emily had already been put through so much stress in those first three years, but the day JJ got shot would haunt her forever. JJ had only barely made it out with her life, but she was alive. Emily had to remind herself of that, as she waited for her medication to kick in.
This specific nightmare started when JJ was still in hospital during that time, when the doctors weren't sure she would pull through. The nightmare had never stopped, it had simply joined the others that rotated through Emily's nights. Sometimes it wasn't the parking garage. Sometimes it was seeing JJ back in the warehouse with Hastings and Askari. Sometimes it was seeing JJ, instead of Louise Holland, dead by Michael Lee Peterson's hand. No matter the circumstance, Emily had been having recurring nightmares of losing JJ for as long as she could remember.
Used to, when Emily was just a regular agent, before London, before everything... they would share hotel rooms while on a case. JJ would wake Emily up when she was having one of her night terrors. She would hold Emily, reassure her, comfort her. But that was many years ago.
Now, Emily was the Unit Chief. She didn't share hotel rooms. She slept alone on cases, just like she slept alone at home. Alone, with no one there to comfort her in the middle of the night when she felt like she might drown from the fear of her nightmares. Not that she didn't love her position as Unit Chief at the BAU, she just had never expected her promotion to be somehow more lonely than her life had been before she had accepted the role.
Ten minutes had passed and she didn't feel any relief from her medication, sometimes her nightmares couldn't be relieved by a pill. If her pills were going to work, she would have felt better within ten minutes and currently, all she felt was physically ill. She glanced at the clock, 03:04 - far too late to call JJ, even if she was only staying a few rooms over. She knew better than to go to JJ's room, she didn't want to wake up Tara was well. Unit Chief Prentiss got her own room, but JJ still shared a room on cases, now she shared with Tara instead of Emily.
Emily laid on the bed, staring up at the blinking light on the smoke detector on the ceiling. She knew she needed sleep, they were in the middle of working a case and she would be no use to anyone if she wasn't well rested. She squeezed her eyes shut but immediately was rocketed back to the scene in the parking garage. Opening them again, she groaned loudly and punched the pillow next to her.
Emily took an uneven breath, as deep as she could with her chest feeling like it was going to suffocate her, and picked up her phone. When she had been in Paris, when the team had thought she was dead, she and JJ had kept in touch by playing Scrabble. They both knew they weren't suppose to have any contact, but JJ had been on her backstop in Afghanistan while Emily was alone in Paris, they were both incredibly isolated and having that small amount of connection got them through those difficult times.
During those months, they had their own safe word when they needed to call each other. The simple word, 'Blackbird' became their distress signal. It had only been used once during that time period, sent through the chat feature by JJ. Ten minutes later, JJ had received a call from an unknown number only to hear Emily's comforting voice on the other line. It had been two days after her convoy had been ambushed, two days after JJ had found out she had miscarried, and the only person in the entire world she wanted to talk to had been Emily.
The next time their distress signal was used was when JJ had been abducted and tortured by the same men responsible for that convoy ambush. That time, JJ had very nearly died but Emily had made it in time to save her. They always looked out for each other that way. No matter what.
It was the last sentiment that convinced Emily to finally open the Scrabble app and go to her board with 'CheetoBreath'. Her shaking hands typed in those nine important letters: BLACKBIRD.
She wasn't even sure JJ would hear the notification, it was late. It was probably overdramatic to use their distress signal when JJ was only a few rooms away. It was probably overdramatic to try and get in touch with JJ at 03:15. Emily was a grown woman, she had been with the bureau for most of her adult life, she had seen endless horrors, had faced insurmountable loss, and yet she had one nightmare and she was sending JJ their distress code. She felt immediately foolish and she was about to say as much in the chat when she saw JJ's username go from 'offline' to 'online'.
CheetoBreath: Are you okay?
ParisianSergio: Yeah, I'm sorry I'm over reacting. Go back to sleep. sorry I woke you
CheetoBreath: Nightmare?
ParisianSergio: It's nothing. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have messaged.
Emily waited for JJ's reply but instead there was a soft knock on her hotel room door. Emily pulled on a t-shirt and answered. Even at three in the morning, sleep-ridden and dishevelled, JJ looked absolutely stunning.
"Are you okay?" JJ asked hurriedly. She didn't wait for Emily to invite her inside, she just pushed her way in and went to sit on the edge of the bed. She gently patted the spot next to her.
Emily came and sat next to her, resting her face against JJ's shoulder. "I shouldn't have woken you up. I'm sorry."
"Em, what did we say? What did we say all those years ago? Nothing is too small to be woken up for," JJ reassured. She wrapped her arms around Emily. "Em....you're shaking."
What little resolve Emily had been hanging on to, crumbled within JJ's embrace, she fell to pieces in the safety of JJ's arms. Just like she had done, too many times to count in all the time they had known each other. Just like JJ had done in Emily's arms, too many times to count in all the time they had known each other.
"C'mon," JJ encouraged, as she moved to sit against the headboard.
Emily rested her head in JJ's lap and hated how she instantly felt comforted when JJ started running her fingers through Emily's hair. JJ hummed 'Blackbird' like she always did when she was trying to calm Emily. Soon, the wracking sobs that had been tearing through Emily's chest subsided.
"Which one was it, Em?" JJ asked softly, still raking her fingers through Emily's grey hair.
"Lynch," Emily whispered. JJ knew each and every one of Emily's recurring nightmares so the one word answer was plenty enough to tell JJ all she needed to know.
"You haven't had that one in a while," JJ replied.
"No," Emily lied. Truth was, she rarely told JJ about her nightmares anymore. Maybe one in ten, because she was too self-conscious at the fact all of her night terrors had one theme in common, her overwhelming fear of losing JJ. It wasn't like JJ hadn't pieced together that she was the detail that connected all of Emily's bad dreams, but neither of them had ever wanted to discuss exactly what it meant or exactly why JJ was the one Emily always dreamt of losing. They didn't need to say it out loud, both of them fully understood the underlying reasoning.
"What can I do for you? Did you take your meds?" JJ asked softly. JJ was the only one on the team who knew Emily had panic attacks often enough that she carried medication with her just in case. It was no surprise Emily's career had left her with deep rooted fears, but she didn't feel comfortable opening up to the team about it. JJ had always been there when Emily needed her, so of course, JJ knew the truth.
"I took it. I'm sorry I woke you up, Jennifer," Emily repeated again. She sniffled back more tears, trying her best to pull herself together.
The sound of her full name on Emily's lips had always felt sacred to JJ. No one called her that except Emily. When other people, including Will, would slip up and say it in conversation or in arguments, JJ would always correct them, demanding to only be called her nickname.
"You don't need to apologise, Em. You sent the distress code, I'm here. I will always be here if you need me," JJ reminded.
"I know," Emily whispered, nearly inaudibly.
"So, the Lynch nightmare?" JJ asked. "Do you need the reminder?"
Emily looked up from her position in JJ's lap, her brown eyes full of tears. She new better than to ask JJ for what she was offering. She shouldn't have even woken JJ up at all. She shouldn't have sent their code. Still, her chest was tight with pain and her heart was racing. "Yeah, if that's okay?"
JJ nodded in understanding, giving Emily a soft smile. Emily sat up from her position, so she could truly look at JJ. She met JJ's blue eyes and offered her own soft smile in response. JJ knew things must be bad if Emily had actually asked for the reminder, it had probably been two years since Emily had said yes when JJ asked her standard question while comforting Emily in these situations.
JJ reached to the left armhole of her tank top, pulling it aside. Then following the same steps she always had, she reached for Emily's hand. Emily allowed JJ to guide her fingers to JJ's scar from where the bullet had caught her under the arm, where her Kevlar hadn't been able to protect her.
"Bullet wound, 2020, Grace Lynch," JJ reminded as she guided Emily's fingers over the long-healed injury. "Survived."
Emily's eyes filled with tears, her hand shaking against JJ's skin. "Survived." she repeated softly
JJ took Emily's hand and kissed her fingers and palm. "I'm still here, Emily." JJ placed Emily's hand in the middle of her chest, over her heartbeat. "I'm still alive."
Emily closed her eyes as she felt JJ's beating heart, she allowed JJ's relaxed breathing to be a guide to slow her own. Emily inhaled and exhaled deeply, until she finally felt the tightness in her chest ease
"I don't know how I would go on if I lost you, Jennifer," Emily admitted. It wasn't something she said out loud often and she wasn't entirely sure why she was saying it in that moment. Maybe because her hand was against JJ's chest, and the vulnerability of the intimate position combined with Emily's anxiety pill trying to kick in, meant her guard was down more than she usually allowed.
JJ laced her fingers in Emily's hand, removing it from where it had been comfortably pressed against her chest. "I know."
Two words were all JJ could muster in the moment. The truth was, she didn't know what she would do without Emily either. And as much as either of them would want to promise they'd never have to find out, the situations they had survived had taught them to not make promises they couldn't keep.
JJ had been the first one to see Emily when Emily finally woke up after surgery, after Doyle. Even that long ago, JJ's mind had only repeated one thought through all of the hours Emily had been in surgery, "I don't know how to live without you." There had been plenty more times over the years when JJ had worried that same old thought, but Emily always survived. She always pulled through. The same way JJ always did.
Nevertheless, they both knew the day would come when they wouldn't be so fortunate. There would come a time, an accident, a case, an unsub, the specifics didn't matter -- there would come a time where one of them would have to find out what life without the other would be like. But tonight was not that time. JJ released her grip on Emily's hand, so she could get out of the bed.
Usually, she would stay through the night, like when they used to share rooms. Usually, they would cuddle up and find restful sleep in each other's arms just like they had done hundreds of times before. Usually, JJ would stay awake just long enough to watch Emily drift off before she fell asleep herself. Usually, she would stay.
But Emily had spoken that phrase into the space between them and JJ knew it meant she had to go. She gave Emily a hug and a forced smile that still turned down at the corners, "It's late.
"Yeah, you should get some sleep," Emily replied solemnly. "Thanks for coming over."
"Emily, I will always come for you," JJ's lip quivered as she blinked back tears. Usually, she would stay the night but she was standing to go, she knew she needed to go.
Emily watched JJ, seemingly struggling with her own thoughts. Everything in Emily was telling her to ask JJ to stay, like JJ usually did. Like she had done hundreds of times before. But she knew she wasn't allowed to ask JJ to stay the night, not for the reasons she wanted to. Not for reasons outside of their normal process of comforting each other.
"Goodnight, Jayje" two words were all Emily could muster in the moment.
"Goodnight, Em," JJ replied. She turned to go and had made it all the way to the door, her hand on the door handle when she heard Emily's shaky voice.
"Jennifer..."
The sound of her full name on Emily's lips had always felt sacred to JJ. No one called her that except Emily. And in that moment, her name was whispered like a prayer.
JJ's hand rested on the door handle as she stood perfectly still, listening, waiting. Hoping with everything she had, that Emily would ask her the one thing she so desperately wanted to hear. Hoping that after all these years, tonight would be the night that Emily finally asked her, the one thing she had always wanted to hear at the end of every night they had met to comfort each other like this.
She waited with her back still turned to Emily. As the seconds passed, tears filled her vision, accepting that Emily still wasn't going to follow through. Her hand tightened on the handle and pulled the door open, she was already one foot out the door when she heard Emily's shaky voice once more.
"...will you stay the night?"
Five words. Five simple words. A request, an invitation, a plea. JJ stood halfway out the door and the words washed over her, drowning her in their potential. They both knew what Emily was actually asking. She came back in, letting the door shut behind her. She looked up at Emily, waiting for confirmation.
Emily's expression softened, she closed the distance with three strides, coming to stand inches apart from JJ. Emily looked at her, taking two fingers to tilt JJ's chin upwards. Emily moved cautiously, slowly, allowing JJ time to back away if she felt like she needed to. Perhaps, part of Emily was moving slowly to give herself the same option. But neither of them backed away.
Emily closed the short distance, pressing her lips to JJ's gently. JJ's hands moved cautiously, slowly to Emily's hips, allowing Emily time to back away if she felt she needed to. Emily didn't back away. JJ's hands came to rest on Emily's hips. With JJ's hands on her waist, Emily deepened the kiss tentatively at first, until JJ elicited a small moan that was swallowed by Emily's lips. At that point, Emily let her hands get lost in JJ's hair as they pulled each other closer, their lips never parting.
They had always found solace in their routine of showing each other their scars. Their scars were the reminders that they were still alive, despite it all. It was the reminder they wanted in those moments after nightmares, yet neither of them had ever considered, the calmness granted from this routine had never actually been what they truly needed.
Emily pressed JJ's back against the wall as over fifteen years of accumulative, unspoken tension vanished through their kiss. JJ's hands moved from Emily's hips, to under the hem of her shirt so they could rest them against the small of Emily's back. In all the years they had spent gently tracing each others scars as part of their ritual, the skin contact had never felt electric, not like in that moment. The energy thrummed between them as their bodies reacted to this new form of connection. Awakening the long dormant desire they had once felt for each other. A desire neither of them had ever named, never allowed themselves to acknowledge, a desire that had been extinguished before it ever had a chance to burn.
Emily mirrored JJ's movements, letting her hands move under the hem of JJ's tank top so her fingers could feel JJ's soft skin. The embrace was brimming with charged potential, as their lips worked together to create a symphony of soft moans and gasps. Emily looked into her best friend's eyes and smiled contently, and as if she had read JJ's mind she murmured, "I trust you."
JJ slid Emily's shirt over her head, then removed her own so they stood in front of each other with equal vulnerability. They looked each other over for a few seconds in silence, revelling in the sight of their combined multitude of scars. The proof of all they had overcome, all they had survived.
Emily leaned to kiss JJ's side, "Bullet wound, 2020, Grace Lynch," she repeated before letting her lips stay against JJ's skin for a few seconds. "Survived."
Emily lowered herself to JJ's stomach, her lips hovering above the cratered scar in JJ's otherwise unmarred skin. "Electrical burn, 2014, Tivon Askari." She kissed the scar lovingly, "Survived."
JJ reached for Emily's hand, pulling Emily back to her feet. She smiled warmly, then kissed Emily adoringly once more.
JJ leaned in to let her lips press against Emily's blackbird tattoo. Underneath the ink, her lips could still feel the raised skin of the clover branded into Emily's flesh. "Branded, 2010, Ian Doyle." JJ kissed the mark for a few seconds before whispering, "Survived."
Emily's eyes welled with tears as JJ moved to her left shoulder. JJ ran her finger over Emily's scar, "Bullet wound, 2012, Clark Preston." She kissed the scar, "Survived."
JJ slowly kneeled, using a feather-light touch to run her fingers over the large scar adorning most of Emily's abdomen, "Staked, 2010, Ian Doyle." She pressed kisses down the length of the ragged injury, "Survived."
JJ looked up at Emily with pleading eyes, still on her knees, her fingers hooked into the waistband of Emily's underwear. Emily shook her head in agreement and JJ pulled the garment down, letting Emily step out of it. Leaving her completely naked in front of JJ.
"You've survived so much, Em. You have defeated the odds, time and time again," JJ trailed her finger up the inside of Emily's leg, stopping halfway up the inside of her thigh. "So then, why are all of your nightmares are about me? Why is it my monsters that haunt you?"
Emily shivered at the sensation of JJ's fingers brushing so close to her most sensitive area. "Jennifer, we both know why."
"Say it," JJ whispered, looking up, her lips barely inches from Emily's body. "I want to hear you say it, Em. After all these years, please."
Emily opened her palms outward and JJ accepted the invitation to lace her fingers in each of Emily's hands. Tears streamed down Emily's face, dripping down her chest and stomach.
"I have nightmares about losing you, because that is my single greatest fear. I know I couldn't survive without you, Jennifer. I don't think my heart would ever heal," Emily confessed through her shuddering cries.
"Emily, please. Say it," JJ begged, her own eyes full of tears. "I want to hear it. I need to hear it."
"Jennifer...I love you," Emily muttered softly. If JJ wasn't watching Emily's lips move she may not have heard it at all. JJ smiled happily, releasing the cries she had been stifling.
"Emily, I love you too," JJ replied. She tightened her grip on Emily's hands as she moved to taste Emily for the first time. Emily moaned as soon as JJ's tongue traced it's way through her intimate folds.
They held each other's hands the entire time JJ's head was between Emily's legs. Emily's fingers tightened against JJ's when she came undone into JJ's mouth. JJ stood up and kissed Emily fervently, sharing Emily's taste on her tongue. They moved to the bed to continue exploring each other's bodies, unabashedly, in all the ways they had previously forbidden themselves to for their entire friendship.
They finally laid down to rest a while before JJ would need to go back to her room, in their attempt to avert suspicions. Emily wrapped her arms around JJ, bringing JJ into her chest. She kissed the top of JJ's head serenely.
"Jennifer, I love you," Emily muttered with her face nestled in JJ's hair. "But you know this can't happen again."
"I know, Em," JJ responded sympathetically. She placed a kiss over Emily's heartbeat. "We'll survive."
[A/N: The title of this fic was inspired by: 'If You Need Me' by Julia Michaels
Find this song and all of my other song inspirations on my Spotify: w00t4ewan CM Fic Titles]