Chapter Text
It was cold, he could feel it on his skin. It ran through his veins, surrounded him. When it wasn’t on his skin, it was in his blood, his mind, it was him. Sometimes the cold was paired with darkness, the darkness that was all too familiar. It spoke to him, it surrounded him, it pumped through his veins. It’s all he was. It’s all he knew. That’s why he didn’t ask for help, he was a Black after all, but he also found comfort in the darkness and cold.
“It’s time for Potions now, Sirius, you can finish that toast on the way.” Remus snapped at him, the full moon was coming up and Remus had been on to Sirius. About everything, the not eating, long sleeves, skipping lessons, sneaking out for hours passed lights out. It annoyed him to no end.
“Can’t we just skip? I don’t wanna go.” Sirius whined, as much as he pretended he couldn’t sit in a class for an hour full of people who hated him, he couldn’t listen to their laughs or mean words, he couldn’t put a laugh and smile on for his mates. Not anymore.
“Sirius you will be coming to class today, i’ve had enough of you lazing around!” Remus half shouted at him, a few heads turning in surprise, remus was normally the quite understanding one.
“I’m not lazy!” Sirius shouted, climbing off the bench, storming out of the great hall.
“Come on Sirius, don’t do this again!” James shouted after him, though not bothering to go after him. Probably wanting to stay on Remus good side. Or maybe he just didn’t care about Sirius enough to go after him. Maybe he didn’t care, not like anyone else did at the moment, or ever maybe?
Sirius ignored them. Remus will regret that, they all will, Sirius thought angrily.
Walking up the dorm stairs, Sirius wondered if anyone actually cared, if they really noticed anything. Did they? Probably not, he answered himself. So why would it matter if he did anything. They’d never know, and even if they did they wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t even care if he was gone, Sirius thought to himself.
Slamming the dorm door shut, Sirius headed towards his bed, or Remus and his bed. He wasn’t sure if remus still wanted to go out with him, they’d been disagreeing for a few weeks. Sirius had been angry and agitated because of the not eating, Remus about the moon and not knowing how to show his concern. Sirius hoped this wasn’t the start of their break up, he loved Remus too much.
Rummaging around his bedside cabinet he found the familiar feeling of cold metal in his fingertips, the feeling already comforting him.
Walking quickly to the shared dorm bathroom, he locked the door as soon as he got in.
Pulling his trousers down, he sat down on the toilet.
Softly dragging the blade over his thigh once, the going over it again seeing small beads of blood come out. Going over it again, harder this time, he did this a few more times until he could see white. Watching the river of blood flow out, it was beautiful, the only thing he found beautiful about himself. Of corse it would be pain, that’s how he was raised.
Suddenly there was a banging knock at the door. Sirius quickly pulled a bunch of toilet paper and shoved it on the cuts.
“Sirius! I’ve had enough of you being in this lazy fucking mood. McGonagall’s after you now, I’ve told her you’d see her after dinner. Get out of this mood soon, Sirius, we’ve all had enough.” James shouted through the door, then stomping out of the dorm and slamming the door. Sirius heart teared a little more, dread and shame weighing him down, hurting his stomach.
A tear fell down his face, why did they all hate him? Did they hate him?
Flushing the bloody paper down the toilet, he pulled his trousers up. Washing his hands, he then turned to the door and walked over to his bed.
Pulling the curtains that surrounded his bed shut and pulling the covers over his head, hoping to. Shutout the world. Maybe just maybe all this would go away.
Did they hate him? Why were they fed up of him? He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. He laughed, joked, messed around. The only thing was he was more tired and stopped bothering with class as much. Maybe they were just done with him. He should just steer clear of them, they wouldn’t care anyway.
“Sirius wake up. It’s time for dinner.” Remus said as he harshly pulled open the curtains.
“‘m not hungry.” Sirius mumbled sleepily.
“I don’t care. Get up now, plus you need to talk to Mcgonagall anyway.” Remus replied, walking out the door. Probably heading to dinner.
Dinner went by quickly, Sirius nervously waiting for his talk. Pushing around some mash potatoes and carrots. He couldn’t stomach anything normally, but he definitely wouldn’t be able to now given how nervous he was.
“Mr. Black come to my office now, please.” Professor Mcgonagall spoke softly to Sirius.
“See you lads later then?” Sirius asked before standing up next to Mcgonagall.
“See you later, mate.” James replied, smiling at him softly. Maybe he didn’t hate Sirius then?
Walking out of the great hall they headed to the Gryffindor tower. Where the professor’s office was.
Walking in, she headed behind her desk taking a seat, pointing her hand in a kind of way to tell Sirius to take a seat.
“I’ve seen you haven’t been attending lessons too often, Mr.Black.”
“Yeah, I’ve been revising in that time tho, swear.” Sirius replied.
“I’m afraid Mr.Black, I don’t quite believe you. No slacking off is welcome, it won’t be tolerated.”
“Whatever.” Sirius replied. Pissed off beyond belief.
“Is there anything going on Sirius? You know we can’t help if you don’t ask.” She spoke, looking at Sirius with concerned eyes. “I know things with your family have been hard, as you’ve told me before but if anything’s changed, if i can be any help now you know where to find me.”
“No, everything’s fine Minnie. Im just being lazy. See you tomorrow.” He spoke a quick goodbye.
“ In class i hope, Sirius” She spoke while he was walking to the door.
Walking off to the common room, he climbed the stairs to the boys dorms.
As soon as he got in the rest of them looked over to him, Sirius kicked his shoes off and pulled the curtains around his bed shut, deciding to just lay there and ignore the rest of them.
“I’m done with your mood Sirius. Come out here and tell us what’s wrong” Remus spoke through the curtains, to anyone else it would be obvious he was worried and didn’t know how to voice it, but to Sirius and his fucked up brain he made it out to be anger, hatred, and annoyance.
“Fuck off!” Sirius replied, he couldn’t be asked with them, not today.
After he said that he was sure he heard a silencing charm placed on James bed, secret meeting probably. Without him. Again.