Chapter Text
Dear father,
I’ve never meant to disobey you. I’ve never meant to be a disappointment, to be someone you’ll be ashamed of. I’ve always wanted to be the perfect son, to be a pride in your eyes. But I know that’ll never happen. So I have to go before I’ll disappoint you more.
I loved our tiny moments together when I was a kid. When you taught me everything you knew, everything your father never taught you. You wanted me to do well in life, to have all necessary skills, to take opportunities you never had. I’ll be forever grateful for everything you and mom did for me. I had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, good school to attend to and gain the best education. And I’m sorry that at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. It doesn’t matter if I can’t do what I really dream about, if I’m deprived of one thing that made sense.
I loved acting. I never told you how much I admired it. I was so close to telling you, but when you looked at me with that stern glare I got so used to, I couldn’t squeeze a word out of myself. I didn’t tell you what I truly feel. I said ‘nothing’, and honestly, I think it’s not that far from the truth. Right now, I feel nothing. I don’t feel happiness or joy, or love, but I also don’t feel any pain and sorrow anymore. I’m completely drained of emotions, and I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing. I feel like I should feel something, I should be scared of what I’m about to do, but I’m not. This makes everything easier. The thought that in a few moments I’ll be free is somewhat relaxing, even.
I think you always knew I was different. You always knew that I’m not someone you wanted me to be, so you pushed me even more, put all of your expectations on my shoulders, not realizing that their weight is too much for me to carry. But I did everything you told me, I was a star orbiting around your planet, wishing to just break free from your orbit. And when I got the part in a play, it felt like it, it felt like breaking free. Finally having something for myself, something that doesn’t have your name written all over it. I became my own entity, drifting in the universe of dreams and possibilities that were just a reach of a hand from me. But then you found out, and once again I felt trapped. Trapped without a chance to set myself free. This is my last attempt at getting out.
I still love you, dad. Even if you’re partially the reason I’m doing this right now, and yes, I know I shouldn’t say this, but you didn’t raise me to be a liar. Maybe if you were different, or maybe if I were different, less of a coward who can’t admit his true feelings, I could be happy. But I know I’ll never find peace and joy in the life you crafted for me. This would happen sooner or later, so I want to save you all the pain and hurt, and just go until I leave thicker roots in this world. I love you despite all that happened between us, despite what I’m planning to do. I love you, and I’m sorry to disappoint you again. I hope one day you’ll look at the sky and think that maybe I didn’t do everything wrong. That maybe there was some worth in me.
I forgive you, and can only beg for your forgiveness. Take care of mom.
In the end, we will meet again.
Your prodigal son,
Neil
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Neil's father let the letter slip from his fingers and drop at the smooth surface of the desk. The office was silent, but he could still hear the sound of the gunshot ringing in his ears. He still saw thick smoke hanging in the air. In his hands, he still felt Neil's cold body, dripping in blood, no sign of his beautiful boy in the frozen posture.
He squeezed his eyes shut, and put his head in his palms. He sobbed uncontrollably. He will never forgive himself for this.