Chapter Text
Shen Qingqiu kept a list of Airplane’s narrative crimes. Well, technically that was to say he had two lists. His original list started in his last life where he had all the power of several spreadsheets, word documents, screenshots of Proud Immortal Demon Way ’s text, and Wikipedia to keep track of every absurd point of characterization, unbelievable plot twist, and outright false ‘fact’ the third-rate author produced! He had tagged categories for each entry: reused descriptions, conflicting world-building, unbelievable sexual positions, forgotten plot threads, brainless choices from 40 IQ characters, and more. It was footnoted. It was exhaustive. It covered all 300+ wives and every villain (major or minor) the story introduced over its 6000+ chapters. It was the work of many, many days even for an antisocial, shut-in like him. It was perfect .
It was a sad fact that his greatest work had to only live on in imperfect memory.
After lighting a candle for all of his hard work, he had started a second list in his new life. Just in his head of course— what, did he look like a 40 IQ character to you too? Ha, he wasn’t going to write down and keep anything that incriminating around where anyone could find it! No, thank you!
His second list was much shorter and was, admittedly, a little repetitive. In fact, it might have been more of a collection of rants than a list, per se. In any event, the most recent entry went like this:
You hack, you sham. Airplane, you absolute buffoon. Did you learn to write from watching monkeys hit a typewriter? I’m going to tie you up and throw you right into the jaws of one of your own stupid plot devices next time and watch you suffer! Why does it have to be me instead? Shouldn’t you take responsibility for your stupid ideas?! This is your fault!
You thought of something like this and only used it for papapa !? This could have solved so many—!
And yes, undoubtedly an ancient relic like this could have been used to resolve so many of PIDW ’s plot arcs and tragic character backstories. It was a pity that in his case, it was going to kill Shen Qingqiu instead.
Shen Qingqiu (that is, Shen Yuan ) stared into the eyes of Shen Qingqiu (that is Shen Jiu, the original goods, the scum villain himself ) and tried not to sweat.
“When I say, don’t touch something ,” Shen Yuan chastised, his voice low and furious, as though by speaking softly he would somehow avoid the attention of the predator that already had its gaze firmly fixed on him, “That means don’t touch it, Liu-shidi.”
The other perpetrator of this whole situation, the Bai Zhan War God himself, let the complaint roll off him like water off a two-headed duck-rhinoceros’s back. That is to say: he was probably still ignoring Shen Yuan!!
Shen Yuan was going to need to have Mu Qingfang check his blood pressure after this. If he survived this, that is.
In fact, this whole situation was also Liu Qingge’s fault twice over!
Moments ago, everything had been fine. Or as fine as things could be in the world of PIDW . Shen Yuan had been in yet another boring, pointless Peak Lord meeting and doing his best to keep fanning himself and not fall asleep as Wei Qingwei gave a report of his disciples’ latest mission.
Wei Qingwei had said something along the lines that his disciples had been helping to restore a smaller sect’s founder’s ancestral sword or perhaps they had been purifying the sect’s primary ore mines or something —give Shen Yuan a break, if you had to listen to variations on the same 20 mission tropes over and over again, you’d develop the ability to zone out the moment another Peak Lord opened their mouth too, ah!— and somehow this help had resulted in the sect gifting Cang Qiong Mountain Sect with an artifact from their vaults in thanks.
When Wei Qingwei had carefully unwrapped the gift and laid it on the table for the other Peak Lords to inspect, Shen Yuan had idly begun to mentally run the relic through his own exhaustive memory of PIDW plot macguffins.
It was an ugly, gaudy thing as artifacts went. It was nominally a mirror, but it was set into a large, heavy golden frame that was shaped like a flower. Its awkward shape and weight meant that if you wanted to hold it you’d have to use both hands. There wasn’t even any stand for it! Useless, useless!
In fact, that’s what first tripped Shen Yuan’s suspicions— an absolutely dumb object that should have never been created? Shaped like a flower? Since when have flowers ever meant anything good in PIDW!?
His brain creaked into motion, going from the mind-numbing horror of surviving yet another boring Peak Lord meeting into action at a snail’s pace. As he tried to recall if he’d seen this relic before in the text, he had snuck a look at Shang Qinghua, who wore a look of blank incomprehension and vague nervousness as usual.
So, the artifact was probably not anything earth-shattering then, Shen Yuan had first thought.
How naïve! How optimistic! Just because Airplane didn’t recognize it, it didn’t mean anything! The man had all of the memory of a hamster and the decision-making capability thereof. How often had the hack said that there were things that he’d forgotten?
Shen Yuan was going to hit him with his fan so hard for this. Again, if he survived. But he was getting ahead of himself.
So there they were: the Peak Lords of Cang Qiong, leaning over the table to get a glimpse of the artifact like they were teenage girls inspecting a gift from their crush.
“It is very kind of them to gift us one of their ancestral artifacts,” Yue Qingyuan had said diplomatically, faced with the world’s ugliest flower mirror. “Did they say what its purpose was?”
“They claimed that it would show those who looked into it what could have been.” Wei Qingwei answered.
Annoyingly, his explanation didn’t spark Shen Yuan’s memory at all.
Qi Qingqi snorted. “So it shows you illusions? Dreams?”
She reached out and picked it up, casually holding it up to her face and gazing into its depths.
“Don’t touch it.” Shen Yuan said reflexively. You want to pick up the unknown artifact and try to use it just like that? Qi-shimei, you are making this old man suffer! Even Wei Qingwei hadn’t touched it with his bare hands when he unwrapped it!
Qi Qingqi glanced his way and then very clearly decided to ignore him, turning back to admire her reflection without a word.
Shen Yuan couldn’t help but be annoyed by the dismissal. According to Shang Qinghua, there was an understanding that had permeated among the Peak Lords since The Immortal Alliance Conference. It was their understanding that Shen Qingqiu had become… delicate in the aftermath, if you were to put it nicely. Oversensitive and easily distraught, if you weren’t so inclined. Shen Qingqiu had heard himself compared to any number of absurd things —a wailing widow, a soulless sufferer, etc.— through the grapevine. Rumors had gotten so bad that Zhangmen-shixiong had even come to the bamboo house and gently suggested to Shen Yuan that he should take a break from his Peak Lord responsibilities and focus on his own health for a while.
Absurdity! Outrage! Shen Yuan was fine .
In fact, that was why Shen Yuan had insisted on turning up to this Peak Lord meeting even though they inevitably bored him to tears. Let everyone see him be here! In good health and sound mind! Could a fragile grieving widow manage a peak and dispense sage advice like the peerless immortal he currently was?! He didn’t think so!
Yet here they were!! Even though ignoring his advice was perfectly normal behavior for Qi Qingqi in regards to Shen Qingqiu at any time —even before the catastrophe at the Immortal Alliance Conference— Shen Yuan could see looks exchanged around the rest of the lords that smacked of pity and concern when he tried to suggest what should just be basic good sense!
“I only see myself. Maybe they offloaded it because it’s broken.” Qi Qingqi shrugged. “It’s just a big ugly mirror. Some gift.”
Shen Yuan’s narrative danger sense began to ring. You can’t just say that an artifact doesn’t work and then insult it! That’s asking for trouble! That’s loading the proverbial narrative shotgun and placing it above the fireplace before giving it a pat and declaring that it will never, ever be used! Of course it would be!!
His mind kicked into a higher gear and started whirring through every plot device this could be. Was it cursed? Sex-cursed? Was it a soul trapping mirror? Was—?
Something about it was now tingling on the edge of his memory. He could almost grasp it.
Unaware of his struggles, Qi Qingqi lazily passed the mirror down the line of Peak Lords for them to examine it in turn. Unfortunately, this meant the mirror was passed on next to Liu Qingge.
Liu Qingge took the mirror in his hands as though it were something he had never seen before, his nose crinkling into an expression of distaste and contemplation that somehow still failed to put a dent into his beauty.
Shen Yuan suddenly had the absurd thought that Liu-shidi might have never looked in a mirror before. He might not even know what one was! After all, did he need it? He probably woke up every morning with his hair untangled, his skin glowing, and his eyeliner sharp. Shen Yuan could imagine it so clearly. What did he need to primp for?
Liu-shidi was just too pretty! It was unrealistic!
However… the location of the mirror was now fortuitous. Liu Qingge tended to sit beside Shen Yuan during Peak Lord meetings these days instead of, as Shen Yuan had been informed by a tittering Shang Qinghua, on the furthest side of the room as he had been given to when it had been Shen Jiu at the table. That meant that Shen Yuan had a chance to nip this building narrative intrigue right in the bud.
“I said ,” Shen Yuan repeated, making a grab for the mirror from Liu Qingge’s other side. “Don’t touch it! You can’t just grab these things without knowing what they do.”
Liu-shidi didn’t bother letting go. Instead, he favored Shen Yuan with a look that the Qing Jing Peak Lord had grown familiar with from a number of shared missions. It was the look that Shen Yuan privately translated to mean: Shen Qingqiu, it’s fine. And if it’s not fine, I’ll stab whatever goes wrong. Maybe such things are easy for you to believe, Shidi! But not all problems have a sword as the solution!!
Still, Shen Yuan thought he had a reasonable chance of wresting the (possibly cursed? Possibly sex-cursed??) artifact away from Liu-Shidi.
Then Mu Qingfang opened his traitorous mouth and tried to comfort Shen Yuan by saying, “It should be alright, Shen-shixiong. It is likely an artifact that only works when you channel qi into—”
And whatever he had meant to say next, Shen Yuan never heard, because three terrible things happened at once.
First, Liu Qingge grunted and let his qi flow into the mirror that they were both grasping as though Mu Qingfang had made a suggestion instead of an observation. Second, Shen Yuan’s brain finally decided to pay its rent and he suddenly realized exactly what plot device this was. And third, the absolutely, deeply, horribly cursed mirror activated and Shen Yuan and Liu Qingge disappeared from the table in a flash of light and reappeared at an identical table in an identical room with identical faces surrounding them— except for one thing.
There was another Shen Qingqiu and Liu Qingge there.
One glance at the other Shen Qingiqiu told Shen Yuan everything he needed to know: it wasn’t another Shen Yuan. The man’s bearing was so much colder and reserved than Shen Yuan had ever been able to imitate and his eyes flashed with imminent violence when he realized the face of the intruder was his own.
Fuck Airplane. Fuck the tiny no-name sect that Shen Yuan couldn’t remember! Why did no one listen to Shen Yuan when he said not to touch mysterious artifacts? Ptoo! Ptoo! He wanted to spit on them all.
Shen Yuan was going to die. Again.