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Lem walked through the doors and entered the cavernous room. It was his first time in the conference center and it was just as amazing as he had envisioned. It was always hard to get tickets, but rumors were spreading that it was going to happen this time. Pres Nelson was the oldest prophet we’ve ever had. Some thought this might make him cocky, others said he was getting old and tired of this role and was ready to pack it in. Either way, tickets were sold out within minutes, and Lem had to save up 2 months to get enough to buy a ticket in the underground. But if it happened this session, it would be worth every penny.
He walked through the aisles, looking for his seat. The atmosphere was electrifying as everyone sensed today could be the day, in this final session of general conference. Finding his seat, he could hear the hushed voices whispering among themselves. An older gentleman next to him was bragging about being at the only conference Pres Hunter presided over in Oct ‘94. Others looked over at him, a mixture of respect and jealousy showing in their eyes. That was in the old tabernacle. The event became so popular, they had to build this massive conference center which seats an amazing 21,000 people!
Lem saw Sister McKonkie walking up the aisle towards him. He tried to duck, but it was too late. She saw him. “Oh, hi Lemuel!” Lem hated it when people used his full name, named after Nephi’s wicked older brother. His parents have a sick sense of humor, but they insist they just wanted to use less common names from the Book of Mormon. They say there’s already too many Nephis, Lehis and Moronis. It could be worse though. His younger brother, Korihor (the famed anti-Christ), got the raw end on that deal. He got teased mercilessly. He tried going by ‘Gid’, for a while, told people it was short for the brave Nephite general, Gidgiddoni. But someone looked his records up on their phone in LDS Tools and told everyone his real middle name was Gadianton! Now people just ask him if he’s going to start any secret clubs to bring down the government.
Sister McKonkie finally made it through the throng to him. “Such a surprise to see you here! I’ve never seen you at one of these.” She likes to make sure everyone knows she comes to every session. Her family connections get her easy access and she loves to flaunt it. Lem’s mother tries to suck up to her, hoping to get invited to something special someday, but it just made Lem sick. Fortunately at that moment the lights dimmed and the organ music started a spritely rendition of “High on a Mountain Top” and Sister McKonkie scurried away to find her seat.
While spirits were high to start with, things got pretty dreary awfully quick. Conference sessions last two hours, and Pres Nelson would be the last speaker. The other speakers knew they weren’t the main attraction. Some made vain attempts at humor and peppy talks to appease the crowd as it got ever more restless. Others seemed to take sadistic pleasure knowing that in order to get to Pres Nelson’s talk, they had to sit through their’s first. Slow, monotonous voices droned on, lulling some listeners to sleep. The second to last speaker sensed an air of considerable frustration halfway through his talk and realized it was in his best interest to quickly wrap it up before things turned ugly.
As soon as he sat down, the audience rose to sing along with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, “Praise to the Man,” and the excitement reached a fever pitch! As Pres Nelson approached the podium, some of the more rowdy audience members started stomping their feet and clapping their hands. Everyone was really hoping for a good show!
Nelson started out with your standard opening remarks about how lovely it was to be there, and to see such a noble army of saints. But then he quickly dove into a long list of 27 new temple announcements. There were a few scattered cheers from the audience as a temple near their hometown was announced, but this isn’t what we all paid good money for. Finally he dove into the meat of his talk, “God’s Love.” A moan went through the audience, as they surmised that he would once again pick a safe, generic topic instead of something more exciting. Oh well, he didn’t get to be the oldest prophet in the church by living dangerously. Lem was distraught and feared he wasted all that money on a ticket for nothing.
But then something changed. The atmosphere electrified when Nelson declared that God’s love was not unconditional! A rumble in the sky echoed the rumble in the audience. That got everyone’s attention and ears perked up. Next he declared that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints receive a larger portion of God’s love! Another rumble in the clouds and people moved to the edge of their seats in anticipation. Nelson, seemingly oblivious, soldiered on and proclaimed that from now on, we should always use the full name of the church, even The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, because ‘Mormon’ is a victory for Satan and offends God!
And that did it! CRASH!!! FLASH!! BOOOOOM!!! The sound was deafening, the flash was blinding! Lem’s ears didn’t seem to work and the lights were all blown out. But the image of that blazing flash silhouetting Nelson’s figure would be forever seared into his mind. The cheer that erupted from the audience could barely be heard by Lem’s almost useless ears, but he could feel it with every other sense in his body. This was everything he had ever hoped to experience. Emergency lights came on and there was no discernable piece near the podium that could be recognized as Pres Nelson.
Pres Oaks approached the podium, clearly shaken and ash-faced. He wiped down the podium as best he could, and gave his first statement as the new Prophet, Seer and Revelator. He quoted the famous words of former prophet, Wilford Woodruff, that if the prophet were to ever lead the church astray, God would remove him from his place. As we had all just witnessed this event, he had some slight corrections to make to what was just taught: God’s love is unconditional, God loves all his children equally, and names are trivial. God is only offended when we treat people cruelly. Sweating, Pres Oaks looked up and around, but all was calm. He wiped his brow with his clean handkerchief and wobbled back to his seat. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sang a stirring rendition of “We Thank Thee, O God, For a Prophet,” and the congregation cheered!
For the rest of Lem’s life, he told the story of the best General Conference ever, and no one ever got tired of hearing it. For Korihor, all he had to do was remind people of Pres Oak’s first statement as prophet, that God is offended when they treat people cruelly. They freeze in fear and apologize profusely. You don’t mess around with a god like that.