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“He was so fucking close to throwing every piece of good sense into the sea and bidding good riddance to it. He was shaking with the adrenaline of the kiss, of escaping death, and—gods, he wanted. He wanted to burn out all the adrenaline and the terror and the scrambling, desperate possessiveness with just a few scorching minutes up against a wall, just like this—just exactly like this, because against all odds both of them were, blazingly, still alive.”
He pulled Evemer’s mouth back to his, canting his hips into his kayha’s. The length of his hardness met Evemer’s with delicious friction. They moaned together, Kadou tilting his head back to bask in the sensation. There was something, some reason not to do this—
Kadou felt his mind clear like the sky after a storm as Evemer leaned into the new space to kiss his neck. The soft press of his mouth was followed by the scrape of stubble and teeth. Kadou felt like he was floating, like he might never come down from this incredible high. As they shifted against each other, Evemer moaned into Kadou’s neck, the vibrations of it singing through his body. Kadou would do everything he could to make Evemer moan like that again. He would walk all the way up the palace path in the slicing rain. He would disobey his sister, he would swear off wine and gambling forever, he would stride around the silver court in nothing but a wet bathing robe if it would make Evemer moan like that again.
Kadou needed more space to work. He unwound his legs from around Evemer’s and switched their positions, backing him up against the wall. Kadou fumbled with the closure on Evemer’s trousers. That beautiful, small sound left Evemer’s lips, seemingly just from the idea of Kadou touching him. Kadou paused to tilt their mouths back together. Bliss. Evemer batted his hands away and reached his palm into Kadou’s trousers, making quick work of the closure. He had an unfair advantage with his intimate knowledge of Kadou’s wardrobe.
“This okay?” He asked, voice hoarse with exertion and want.
“Only if you want to. I’m not asking you, not as your lord.” Kadou gasped out, needing Evemer to understand they did this only on his terms, not Kadou’s.
“And if I wanted you to ask, my lord? If I wanted to do this for you, not out of fealty, out of wanting you?”
Oh, the gods are rewarding me, Kadou thought.
“Then, yes, please, anything you want.”
Kadou had a niggling suspicion that this was not the answer he should give. There was something at the back of his mind, some reason he shouldn’t give himself over completely to this moment.
Evemer reached his palm up to his mouth and licked it sloppily, then touched Kadou again. Kadou’s mind went entirely blank. He was a clear sky on a summer’s day and Evemer was the sun, beating down on him, warming him from his toes through to his heart. Nothing in the world existed except the smooth slide of Evemer’s spit-slick hand on his cock.
Kadou wondered if this speed, this twist of his hand and torturously perfect pressure, was how Evemer touched himself. It must be, there’s no other way he would know the exact right pace to drive Kadou insane. The image of Evemer touching himself, alone in his room just a floor away from Kadou’s, beautifully wrung out by his own hand, was almost enough to make up for Kadou not being able to see his kahya. The room was too dark even to make out the slope of Evemer’s shoulders, which was a real tragedy. Six act plays should be written about their broad expanse. Entire symphonies should be dedicated to their gentle strength. Kadou would commission them himself, let the masters create something commensurate to the beauty under his hands.
If Kadou couldn’t see Evemer, he would have to map the image with his hands and tongue. Kadou let his lips fall to Evemer’s neck, just as he had in the tearoom. Unlike before, he allowed himself to lick and suck along his jawline with abandon, not needing to worry about who could or couldn’t see his face. He mouthed at the strong tendon where Evemer’s neck met his shoulder. Kadou’s hands slipped under Evemer’s kaftan, exploring his ribcage, the slight give of his stomach. Evemer made that beautiful, small sound again when Kadou’s hand brushed his nipple, and sped up his hand.
Kadou came, muffling his moan into Evemer’s shoulder. Stars winked in and out of existence across his vision. Kadou might have been embarrassed at how quick he had been if he had room for such complex thoughts at the moment. He slumped forward onto Evemer, boneless and satisfied.
When he came back to himself enough to take stock of the situation, Evemer was panting right into Kadou’s ear, saying his name.
That of itself was a revelation, Kadou could count on one hand the number of times he’d heard his own name in Evemer’s voice, and certainly never like this, breathy and desperate.
He could feel Evemer’s hand in his own trousers, jacking himself hurriedly. That wouldn’t do. Kadou replaced Evemer’s hand with his own, thrilled when this caused Evemer to groan aloud again. He pressed small kisses to Evemer’s slack lips. Evemer’s mouth tried to chase his after each one, a beat behind Kadou. Kadou didn’t need to see him to know how gorgeous a sight he made, coming undone against a wall.
“Evemer.” Kadou murmured against Evemer’s lips. “Come for me.” Evemer followed his lord’s command, whining deep in his throat as he threw his head back, heedless of the way it thunked against the cellar wall. His come coated Kadou’s hand.
Evemer slid down the wall, bringing Kadou with him so they were both sitting on the floor. Kadou couldn’t spare a thought for how dirty it must have been. For the first time in days, he couldn’t spare a thought for any of his usual worries.
After a few minutes of wordless panting, Evemer broke the silence.
“I get it. I understand what everyone is always on about if it feels like that. ”
Kadou preened. “It doesn’t always. Only when two people are… very compatible.”
It had barely been a moment, and already Kadou was thinking of when they could do it again. He wanted Evemer on his knees for him, as he was so naturally before, in an entirely different context. He wanted to spend hours tracing Evemer’s body, finding and touching every part of him until he knew what would inspire a breath, a moan, a curse. He wanted, and if Evemer was so inclined as well, he would have. Have and hold and—
Wait.
“Oh, fuck.”
“Yeah” Evemer responded dazedly.
“No, not that. We’re married.”
“Yes, I was there. Thank you, again, for saving my life.”
“I’d do it a thousand times over,” Kadou dismissed. “But—you and I are married, actually all the way married—consummated and everything.” He paused, unsure of how much Evemer knew of marriage, never mind royal marriage. Less than himself, certainly, and Kadou only knew the bare amount from the way people spoke about his parents’ wedding. “Which means, at some point we’ll need a divorce. Probably a public one.”
“Oh. Fuck. Your reputation.”
“My reputation? Your career!”
“I suppose. None of that actually matters, though, if we don’t make it out of this wine cellar.”
Huh. Kadou had been so caught up in the sudden joy of Evemer, and then in the panic over making such an important decision without thinking it through—without even realizing he was making one—that he had entirely forgotten that they were currently kidnapped.
Evemer was right. First things first, they needed a way out of this cellar. Everything else could wait.
“I don’t suppose there’s any hope of a secret passageway out of here?”
***
Over the next few weeks, Kadou put off thinking of their impending divorce as much as possible. He reveled in Evemer, in his new boldness to ask for what he wanted as Kadou’s husband and not just his kahya. Tadek figuring them out was an unavoidable hiccup, one that ended up being more help than hurt. During the day, Kadou and Tadek discussed parade routes and plans to bolster the kahyalar’s morale. And at night, Kadou and Evemer clung to each other. Kadou found himself wondering if they could live the rest of their lives like this, not worrying about rank or obedience between the two of them (except for—well. When it was a tool for something else. ) Sated and blissfully entwined.
As long as no one brought up the word divorce in his presence and they both continued under the pretense that this was something that could last.
It was a delicate equilibrium, but while it lasted, Kadou was content. And, importantly, Kadou didn’t have to tell Zeliha what they had done.
Until, that is, Zeliha brought up the Duc du Resti.
“He’s not for me, he’s for you! Kadou’s heart stopped in his chest.
“But I can’t.” Kadou couldn’t possibly marry the Duc du Resti, nor any other Duc, nor a prince nor a diplomat, nor even a mayor. Kadou was already married to Evemer. “I cannot marry the Duc de Resti.”
“What? Really? You don’t even want to meet him? Wait—you won’t or you can’t?" Zeliha shifted on the divan so that she was sitting up, still holding Enye gently against her chest.
Well, it was now or never. Neck, meet guillotine.
“Evemer and I might be a little bit married”
“ How do you get ‘a little bit’ married?"
“A lot married. I guess just—married.” He wished Evemer was here and also was fiercely glad he wasn’t. He would spare his lover this deeply uncomfortable conversation, if he could. Would spare him any discomfort or pain, really. And hadn’t that been an unhelpful rabbit hole to go down, when he realized what that meant.
He was in love with Evemer.
Zehila stared him down, every inch the sultan of Araşt. Under her uncompromising glare, Kadou missed his sister fiercely.
Kadou felt the sharp chasm of distance yawn between them, reminding him that this new peace was still fragile, tainted by everything they’d been through this past year. He rushed to fill the gap with an explanation.
“When Evemer and I were kidnapped, we found ourselves in a…situation. They were going to kill Evemer, so I told them he had titles. And then they brought in the satyota and I married him so it would be true.” There it was, playing pieces on the table. She could yell, she could exile him, but finally there were no more secrets between them. He felt a weight lift. He hadn’t known he was carrying around this heaviness until it was gone.
“Lieutenant Hoskadem! Come here a moment”
Evemer entered the room immediately after Zehila’s command. Kadou couldn’t help looking at his shoulders, broad and beautiful, those shoulders that glistened golden under the rich blue fabric, those shoulders that he’d kissed, that he’d worshiped, that he longed to worship again. He forcibly turned back towards his sultan.
“Lieutenant, my brother has just told me some quite alarming news. Is it true that while you and my brother were detained, you married him?" The cowardly voice in Kadou’s head whispered, she asked Evemer because she doesn’t trust you to tell her the truth. With effort, he reasoned, and that’s okay. It’ll take time to build the trust between us to what it once was.
“That’s accurate, Your Majesty. Kadou married me to save my life. I am eternally in his debt.” Evemer responded stiffly.
To save his life, yes, but that made it seem like it was something Kadou didn’t want to do. Wouldn’t do again, a hundred times, because of the joy it had brought him over the past weeks. Physical joy, but they might have had that without the vows. It was more than that, more than the weight of Evemer in his arms. It was the weight of him in his soul. The delicate texture of the word “husband” against his tongue. The pleasure of knowing, however temporarily, that Evemer was his. That he was wholly and completely, willingly and gladly Evemer’s in return.
“Huh.” Zehila stippled her fingers against her chin. “Marriage while captured. I’m going to be honest, I didn’t see this one coming.” Kadou could nearly see through her hair to the turning gears in her head. “Well in that case, I suppose you’ll need to arrange an annulment. We’ll see which of the temples have time this afternoon— the one in the Gold Court would certainly be preferable, but they may still be short-staffed after the Midsummer festivities. Would you like me to stand as witness, Kadou?”
Shit, he was hoping to avoid this part.
“Unfortunately, annulment is not a possibility. Evemer and I—that is, the marriage is—consummated.” Kadou spoke haltingly, casting his gaze to the elaborate rugs at his feet. He could feel his face flushing. He was willing to bet Evemer’s was pale.
“There’s no reason anyone outside of this room needs to know that.” Zeliha’s voice was practical and detached. “I’m perfectly happy to forget this entire conversation. In fact, I’m not sure this isn’t a particularly vivid stress dream at this moment. Tell me it didn’t happen and it’s as good as true.”
“Evemer can’t lie to you” Kadou was a little offended on his behalf.
“Evemer could, in theory. He has the privilege.”
“Majesty, I will do no such thing unless your brother’s life or or the lives of your family are hanging in the balance.” Kadou wanted to kiss him, for his predictability, for his enduring steadiness. There was no one in Kadou’s life, or all of Araşt, he would wager, as reliable as his Evemer.
His Evemer, who soon would not be his. Who soon would be only his kahya again, and not his husband. Not his to keep, to hold for the rest of his life. Kadou could feel his brow lowering in anticipation of the loss. For the rest of the time Evemer served him, he would look at him and know that they’d had each other, and never could again.
Once they were divorced, Kadou would break it off. He had to, or he would never look elsewhere, never recover, never be able to serve his kingdom’s interests with an advantageous marriage. Certainly, once the marriage was dissolved, he would stop wanting Evemer at every waking moment. It was the novelty, Kadou told himself, that made the emotions so strong. He had never had something just himself, and he was reticent to let that slip through his fingers. Nothing more. Even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t true.
“I hardly want details, but I must ask, is there any way that might be put into doubt? Some things in the law are... open to interpretation.”
“It counts.” Kadou was unwilling to budge on this point. There was no doubt in his mind that screwing against the wall of a wine cellar was consummation under any interpretation of the law. Two people made into a whole, legally, and then physically, emotionally, in body and heart and soul. In love, at least on Kadou’s part.
And even if that first time didn’t count, they certainly hadn’t restrained themselves in the intermediary weeks. After all, it wasn’t like they could get more married.
Kadou shook his head lightly to clear his thoughts. Evemer’s eyes tracked the movement. “We’ll need a divorce. I haven’t spent a lot of time studying our marriage laws: could we do it privately? The paperwork will need to be filed, but the offices have been so busy with the festival, so maybe no one will notice.”
Zeliha considered, tilting her head. “I suppose it could be done. In situations of need the sultan can act in place of an officiant and clerk in most ceremonies, I don’t see why that wouldn’t apply to divorces. I’ll put Pinar on researching it. We’ll still need a plan for when people notice, we have to assume they will.”
“Of course” Damn.
“And we’ll need the original witnesses, of course.”
Kadou wracked his brain for this information, he really hadn’t spent a lot of time with marriage law. Weddings for diplomats were such terribly boring affairs, just him on display for hours on end, careful to avoid any discernible expression lest he offend someone. He didn’t remember anything necessitating witnesses.
“The what?”
“The witnesses to your union. The people who heard your vows and swore to the validity of the proceedings. Melek? Çe was kidnapped when you were; Or, I suppose the prisoners--that’s problematic but with the satyota it should be fine.” Zeliha was tapping her hand against her chin, a thinking gesture she’d had since they were children.
“Melek was captured after us and held separately. And Siranos and Sylvia couldn’t hear us.” They had been alone in that corner. A dawning realization crept over Kadou.
“Are you telling me that there were no witnesses at all?” Zeliha seemed bewildered by this information.
“No one was aware it was happening except Evemer and I.” Evemer nodded, a concerned furrow in his brow.
Zeliha visibly brightened. “Well in that case, brother, Evemer, I have fantastic news! You’re not married.”
Kadou snuck a look at Evemer, who looked as stunned as Kadou felt. There was no way, was there? Had they actually not been married this entire time?
“That’s not possible. The satyota asked Evemer his titles and verified he was telling the truth. That proves it.” Kadou wondered why he was arguing the point. He needed not to be married to Evemer one way or another, and this would do it. But then why did it feel like a rift was opening up inside him?
“No…” Evemer said slowly, “that proves that I believed we were. Satyotas can only tell if someone thinks they’re telling the truth, not absolute fact.” Zeliha nodded at this assessment.
“Oh” Kadou felt all the fight drain out of him. He wasn’t married. Evemer wasn’t his, never had been. This knowledge sat sour in his stomach. He felt it cheapening the last weeks, the nights he had held Evemer, the pleasure they had experienced together. Two fools, playacting at marriage, both of them believing the lie.
He lowered himself shakily to the rug, worried if he didn’t, he might faint. To his own horror, he felt his eyes pricking with tears. He couldn’t have an attack now, in front of his sultan. He forced his gaze to his sister’s face, expecting derision or disappointment. He found compassion instead.
Zeliha approached Kadou, gently cupping his chin in her hands and having him look up at her.
“Why are you so determined that this marriage occurred? Your life would be so much easier if you accept that it doesn’t count. You’re free." Kadou’s heart weighed a thousand tons. He spoke honestly, without deciding to.
“This is the only marriage I’ll ever get that I wanted. That I chose.” Kadou whispered hoarsely. He could feel himself losing the battle against the tears in his eyes. Evemer made a small, mournful sound from where he stood at attention a few feet away.
Oh.
Through the haze of his own grief, Kadou looked towards Evemer. His face was wrecked open, and Kadou knew.
Evemer loved him.
He watched Evemer immediately pull his walls back up, shutting Zeliha out, attempting to do the same to Kadou. He couldn’t stop seeing the devastation, though. Kadou didn’t know if he was imagining the slight slump to Evemer’s shoulders, the defeat behind his eyes.
“Kadou…” Zeliha sank to the rug next to him. “You know I would never make you marry against your will. You don’t have to meet the Duc du Resti if you don’t want to. We can find someone else.” Her voice was gentle.
“For my country, and for you, I will marry who you chose for me,” Kadou swore. This was his job, what he was good for. He was prepared for the sacrifices, though they mounted higher and higher every day that he knew what he would be missing. Who he would be missing.
“And I will try to love them.” His voice broke. That felt impossible now, how could he? He who had given himself entirely to Evemer on the floor of a dusty safe house, bound in body but free in spirit. He couldn’t take it back. Legality be damned, it had counted. Whoever he married would not have that piece of himself, the part he would never get back from Evemer. It wasn’t his to give again. They would have the rest, though. Every part of Kadou that his devotion to Zeliha could touch was hers to give to whomever she saw fit.
“ Kadou! Absolutely not! ” He blinked bewilderingly up at his sister.
“What?”
“I forbid you. You will not sacrifice your happiness for this throne. It has taken enough from us; I refuse to let it take anything more from you.” Zeliha’s voice was choked. “I release you from your duty: you are to marry when and who you choose, and I will stand by you.”
Kadou turned his eyes to Evemer. He stared straight ahead, past the scene on the carpet, but his hands trembled.
“Oh.” Guilt overwhelmed Kadou. He didn’t want to fail Zeliha, and it felt like he had. But, quick on guilt’s feet followed hope. If he could have who he wanted… could he have Evemer? He would need to do the unthinkable. Ask Evemer again to marry him, this time with no threat hanging over their heads. He took a deep, steadying breath.
“Sister” Zeliha sat back on her heels. “Might I have a moment with my kahya?”
“I’ll leave the two of you to talk.” Zeliha brushed her thumb delicately over his cheek and then rose elegantly to her feet. She turned to Evemer, who looked at her for the first time in minutes.
“Take care of my brother. Help him get out of his own way.”
“Majesty.” He bowed.
When Zeliha was gone, Evemer looked at Kadou.
He took a step forward, then sank to his knees on the carpet in front of him. Hot, Kadou’s brain supplied. Not right now Kadou chastened, putting that thought away to retrieve later, if he was lucky.
“My lord.” There were those two words again, sounding so different from Evemer’s mouth than anyone else’s.
“Evemer.”
“So we are… not. Actually married.”
“It does seem that way.” Kadou put his head in his hands, then his shoulders started to shake. He was laughing. “I can’t believe it. All the secrecy, all the stress this has caused us over the last few weeks— completely unnecessarily! We don’t need to get a messy, public, terrible divorce because we, on a technicality, are not actually married!”
“My lord? Are you feeling well?” Evemer placed one hand on Kadou’s shoulder. Kadou looked up, meeting his eyes. He couldn’t see what was going on behind them.
“I need to know what you’re thinking. Tell me.” and then “Please.”
“I–” Evemer started, then paused, sitting back on his heels. “I suppose… I’m wondering what you want me to do.”
“I want you to do what you want to do.” They’d been working on this over the past weeks, Evemer sometimes feeling more comfortable with actions than with words.
“Okay.” Evemer said, and slowly leaned into Kadou’s space, giving him time back away. When their lips met, something bright and warm ignited in Kadou’s chest. He wanted to feel it forever. It smoothed over the surface of the bereft feeling that had lodged itself in Kadou when Zeliha had declared him free. Free, what a lie that was! Kadou had never felt freer than when he thought he had belonged to Evemer. When they were bound together in something more than simple fealty.
Evemer leaned back. “This is what I want to do. What do you want, my lord?”
Kadou could feel his hands start to shake. He knew what he wanted, keenly. He wanted Evemer, not as his kahya, not as his bed-partner. He wanted every inch of him, iron body and golden soul.
He couldn’t ask this of Evemer. He couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t.
“Evemer--” Kadou’s words refused to leave his throat. He started again. “I want you to use my name, for starts. I—I don’t ever want to be separated from you. I want everything you’re willing to give me. Absolutely everything. And that is selfish of me, wanting you like this on top of everything you’ve already given me, but I–I don’t think I can stop.” He took a shaky breath, then finished, “I love you.”
Evemer’s eyes were wide and disbelieving.
“My—Kadou.”
Yes, exactly, that’s who I am, thought Kadou, with an edge of hysteria.
“How can you not know that I adore you? Everything I have is yours already. For as long as you want it.” Kadou had suspected this might be Evemer’s answer, but hearing it was an entirely different thing. The hope in his chest beat its wings frantically against his ribcage.
“Forever. For the rest of my life and the time after, if we are granted it.”
Evemer took one of Kadou’s hands and placed it against his heart. “But—are you sure?”
“I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life than I am of you. Marry me. Again. For real this time. We can do it tomorrow and make Tadek stand witness, or we can wait and plan a royal wedding in front of all of Araşt and an entire legion of diplomats, I don’t care. I just want you.”
“Then, yes, my lord.” Evemer smiled, starting small and growing so wide that he almost couldn’t get the words out around it. “I will marry you. As many times as you’d like.”
And Kadou didn’t care about the title this time, because he realized that every time Evemer said “my lord,” what he really meant was “I love you.”
Kadou reached into his kaftan pocket with shaking fingers and withdrew the iron door hinges that would forever feel like Evemer. He presented them to his betrothed.
“I was thinking we could have these made into rings.”
“Iron rings? They’ll be unusually heavy.” They were both grinning wildly now.
“Good.” Kadou couldn’t think of a better reminder of their love than wearing the touch-taste of Evemer wrapped around his finger every day.
Evemer nodded, and Kadou leaned in to kiss him. They fell into each other, smiling and crying, joy and relief and hope wound so tightly together between them that they became one emotion.
***
When Zeliha entered again, this time without Enye, she found them that way, clutching one another on the carpet.
“Sister, I cannot marry the Duc.”
“Oh, why not?” Zeliha asked, feigning ignorance as a smile pulled at her mouth.
“I’m engaged.”