Chapter Text
They'd walked into an ambush.
Iruka thanked the gods he was in the habit of keeping seals and tags accessible on him at all times. After the first kunai, he'd impulsively thrown up a barrier in front of himself and his team, just in time to block the barrage of shiruken launched at the three of them.
"Go. GO." Kakashi's voice cut through the uproar. The three Konoha shinobi launched themselves into the trees, splitting in opposite directions.
Iruka fought the panic trying to creep into his mind. Think, Umino, THINK. How many were there, three? Three on three. One for him, one for Kakashi, one for Izumo. They could take that. Iruka lept as fast as his legs would carry him, tagging tree after tree with exploding tags. He cast his chakra out, looking for his team, but found the enemy first. Right behind me. Perfect. Iruka slammed down another tag, hands flickering through the formations as he forced his legs to push one more time. A loud explosion and the man's chakra signature disappearing told Iruka his plan had worked. He allowed himself to grimace; exploding tags were certainly effective and a hands-off way of taking the enemy out quick, but every time he couldn't help but think, what a horrible way to go.
SHIT. He had barely paused when a shiruken cut through the air, a hair from his throat. He couldn't get his bearings in time before a foot connected squarely with his sternum. Not the same signature... there was a fourth. SHIT. How did I miss - "Ah!" Iruka landed on his back on the ground, hard. His eyes opened just in time to see the fourth enemy-nin barreling downward foot-first, killing intent radiating. Iruka managed to roll to avoid the man's heel crushing his throat against the earth, but soon realized he hadn't been fast enough.
"Augh!" Iruka cried out as his ribs splintered under the enemy's foot, sickening pain flooding his torso. He gasped as he felt his side cave in, a piercing sharpness in his heart. In that instant, even trying to breathe became torturous. Through the pain, a strange peace fell over Iruka. He watched the scene unfold before him, as though he were in a dream. Thoughts began to flit through his mind, twisting in harmony.
I'm not coming back from this.
As if the world flipped to in slow-motion, he watched his attacker stumble, losing footing as he fell off Iruka's body, the kunai slip clumsily from the man's grasp and land next to him. Iruka knew he had only the next moment.
Then neither... ARE...
Iruka rallied his strength, lunging for the weapon. Screaming both in rage and agony, he forced himself up as high as he could, kunai in his fist, and managed to plunge the blade into the man's back, dragging it downwards. The man did not scream, only gasping as his last breath was torn from his chest.
YOU.
Blood seeped into the dead nin's clothing as the lifeless body crumpled. Iruka collapsed next to his attacker's corpse, his crushed lungs crying for air. Time, and how long he lay there stopped holding meaning. Waves of burning heat and shivering cold rolled under his skin. Stay conscious. It hurts, it hurts. Stay awake. Breathing was agony, and every heartbeat stabbing. He couldn't move, but dammit, he wanted now, more than anything, to just live.
Iruka thought of his life back in Konoha, of his class he taught in the academy. Smiling faces who'd, as a surprise, presented him with little hand made cards, urging him to come back safely before he'd handed them over to the substitute. Since becoming a teacher, he was rarely sent on missions; this one was supposed to be a sleeper, only delivering a scroll and picking one up. Now, it would be his last. He wondered who would take over his class, would his kids miss him? Would they wonder where Iruka-sensei went, and why he never came back? Would they remember the lessons, the seeds of the Will of Fire he'd tried so hard to plant in their young minds?
He thought about his mother and father, their names inscribed on the memorial stone. Here one moment, gone in a flash, and without even a chance to say goodbye. He wondered, would he get to see them, when he closed his eyes for the last time? Would they tell him they were proud of him? He tried to conjure up their faces, but the memory was hazy. I'll see you soon. The idea felt nice, as nice as his now could be.
He thought about Mizuki, his friend from childhood, partner in crime. Mizuki with his white hair, clever eyes, pale skin to Iruka's tan. Mizuki who had been there when lonely orphaned Iruka needed a friend, who had been there to support Iruka studying to become a teacher. He wondered now, if he hadn't been too shy to bring it up, if he and Mizuki could ever have had something more than friendship, would he have wanted that? What would it be like to see Mizuki one more time? Would Mizuki miss him, tell stories of their pranks and childhood adventures together?
He thought about Naruto, the jinchuriki boy who'd be starting at the academy next year. Iruka remembered how the third Hokage had personally summoned Iruka to tell him Naruto would be in his class that next year, and his horror at teaching the vessel of the demon who'd killed his family. Morbid curiosity had sent him seeking out the boy in the streets, and saw first hand with revulsion what the child endured at the hands of the village who should have cared for him. Iruka swore then and there to step in and protect little Naruto, ashamed for not having noticed the boy sooner. Iruka hoped, if Naruto was old enough to remember him, it would be kindly.
Iruka's stepping up for Naruto had attracted the attention of someone else. Hatake Kakashi had been incredibly hostile towards Iruka paying attention to the boy, only softening when he realized Iruka was not there to hurt Naruto, and was trying to care for him. Iruka in turn had torn into Kakashi viciously when he'd learned Kakashi was Naruto's assigned godfather, yet did little to care for the boy beyond leaving money and extra food at the orphan's centre where Naruto spent his days, and Naruto's dingy apartment. He'd regretted it when he learned that Kakashi was still a child himself when Naruto was orphaned and left in his care. Having been a child soldier, Kakashi was barely suited to take care of himself as an adult, let alone a baby. Between their brief interactions, Iruka, against his senses, found himself falling in love with this man he barely knew. He'd began to look for Kakashi around Konoha, trying to find reasons to get close to him, trying to find reasons to justify loving him. Iruka had been delighted upon learning Kakashi would be his captain on this mission, all the time spent near each other.
He knew now it would be Kakashi who'd carry his body back to Konoha.
Iruka didn't know how long he lay there in limbo before the dreams began to take him. His mind drifted to the survival training that was drilled into shinobi from childhood, focus on the pain and stay conscious. Gods, he was so thirsty. Anything, right now, for water. He shivered. Stay awake, stay conscious. Instinctive thoughts, part of his training. Yet, he knew he was going to die, why prolong it? Why hold out the hope he'd see them all one last time?
Iruka, oh my god, wake up, Iruka!
A voice? He screamed as he felt himself being shaken, his pitiful body crying in agony.
Stay awake! Stay alive, focus on where it hurts. Keep talking to me. Someone, something was yelling at Iruka. Inside, outside his head? He wailed, feeling himself being lifted from the dirt where he lay. Broken bone grinding bone underneath his skin forced a scream from his lips. Nausea pulsed through his fragile abdomen. Focus on what hurts, the voice ordered him. Eyes open, stay with me. Talk to me, Iruka.
Iruka's neck let his head be tossed around by the jostling now carrying his limp body. In his delirium, he decided he liked the voice. He didn't want to die alone. He wanted to talk to someone. "You're in my head, in my head." He should have been horrified by how strangled his voice came out, choking on the blood dripping from his mouth. Now, there was no reason to feel anything.
Yeah. sure, I'm in your head. Hang on, we're almost there.
A wave of cold rippled under Iruka's skin, he wanted to press into the warmth holding his body. "I feel - I feel so cold... Am I dying?"
You're not fucking dying! Stay with me.
"You're so loud, you hurt my head." Silver, something soft and silver in his vision, against his cheek. The voice didn't reply this time. "It hurts. I can't. I'm so thirsty, I cant..."
Stay with me. The voice was back. Iruka wondered if he'd screamed.
"You sound like him." Tears poured freely from Iruka's eyes as he spat out a mouthful of blood. "Can you tell him I love him?"
Who?
"Him. He's here." Iruka swore he could see the shaggy crop of silver hair, the outline of a mask in his minds eye.
Who is him, Iruka? The voice sounded different, raspy. Iruka tried to focus, tried to cling to precious consciousness.
"I'm going to die. S'okay, I promise."
You're not going to fucking die, Iruka!
"I wish Kakashi knew I love him."
Darkness began to creep into his periphery. The voice was quiet for another moment, before it spoke to him again.
Fucking hell, Iruka, why...
Iruka let his heavy eyelids begin to creep closed. "Sorry."
Medic. MEDIC. I NEED A FUCKING MEDIC!
Iruka's world faded to black.
--------------
Haze, a faint buzzing in his head. Iruka wondered where he was, why did his chest hurt so bad? His eyelids fluttered. Too bright, too bright, ugh.
In the background, someone shouted. "He's awake!" Footsteps were heard racing out of the room, only to return with an extra set. Iruka groaned audibly, wishing he were still asleep. He felt eyes on him, and tried to sit up.
"AUGH!" Nope, not doing that again. From against the pillows he forced his eyes open fully, blinking against the fluorescent glare.
Two medi-nin and a nurse, all wearing too-cheery smiles that didn't reach their eyes stood at the foot of his bed. The nurse held a clipboard, looking at Iruka expectantly. The male medi-nin clapped his hands together. "Glad you're awake, you've been out for a bit now. Can you tell me your name?"
Iruka shifted uncomfortably. "Umino - " an unexpected cough interrupted his rough voice. " - Umino Iruka."
"Profession?"
"Shinobi. Academy teacher." His voice was barely a grunt.
"And where are you?"
"Konoha? Hospital I guess."
The nurse and medi-nins nodded at each other, looking pleased. The nurse scribbled something on her clipboard. "Do you know why you're in the hospital?"
"I, uh," Iruka swallowed, screwing up his eyes to think, letting the memories surface. "Mission. Got kicked. Got stomped." He'd really prefer to not reflect on that right now.
"Good, mentally aware. How are you feeling?"
"Horrible." Iruka croaked out. Like shit would be more like it.
The staff all exchanged a quick look and nod. "All right, let's get you rolled onto your side to change your bandages!" The male medi-nin's eyes were too wide and his voice way too chipper. Dread seeped in at the prospect of moving, but Iruka only swallowed and nodded. He felt two sets of hands slide between the mattress and his body, the female medi-nin on his other side, hands in front and ready to catch him.
"Ah - AH!" Iruka bit his lip to try to hold back the cry of pain, but it did nothing. He became acutely aware, as the sheets were pulled away from his injured body, that he was completely naked apart from the gauze that was now being torn away from his side. Humiliation flooded his cheeks, as he desperately wished he had the ability to cover himself as the cool air hit his hips and groin. The female medi-nin couldn't hold her smile as she peeled the soiled bandages away. Iruka bit his lip to keep from crying out as part of the old dressing being lifted tore open a wound that had caught the fabric. The smell of infection hit him almost as quickly as the pain did.
He couldn't bring himself to look. "How bad is it?" He asked softly.
The medi-nin in front of him couldn't hide her grimace. "Well, it's far from the worst I've seen. You were hit with both blunt-force trauma to your left side as well as infection getting in, so you're off duty for a while. Your heart got scratched by a broken rib, how it didn't get punctured is nothing short of shocking. We managed to save your spleen and lung though. There is some major organ trauma, and you were out for some time, so you needed to have a feeding tube put in. We used every trick we had, but your body's going to need time to complete the process. It probably feels worse than it is - " she added, rather hastily, " - and once we take out the tube, you'll be on a liquid diet for a bit, but there's no reason why you shouldn't make a full recovery." She paused, looking up. Iruka guessed she swapped glances with the others behind him. "What saved you is someone in the field was able to stabilize your torso and wrap you up to keep you from bleeding out internally, so we could knit your ribs together, thank the spirits. They got you here fast, too. You're our miracle case of the month, kiddo."
"Suppose... 's a good... thing." Iruka clenched his teeth as the medi-nin behind him slapped on a dressing adhesive with a little too much pressure. Idiots! Ow, fuck. Iruka tried taking a deep breath to center himself. NOPE. "Gods... breathing hurts."
The medi-nin in front of him paused, sympathy crossing her face. "I'm sorry, kiddo. We'll see about getting you some stronger painkillers. I'm glad you were out for the worst of it. Our notes say this is as bad as it'll be, and from here out you should bounce back quickly."
"Yippee." Iruka hissed bitterly.
Another sympathetic look. "I really am sorry. You didn't deserve this." She gently taped a piece of gauze in place.
"Not... your... fault." He spat out, trying to push the pain down. He really wished she'd stop giving him that look of pity.
"One more piece of tape.... and all done!" Iruka thought she looked as relieved as he felt. He couldn't blame her. The stink of the infection stung his nostrils, he couldn't imagine being so close to it. "Okay, sweetheart, we have to roll you back over, okay?" This time, she placed her hands on his shoulder and hip.
"Do what you have to." He closed his eyes.
"Three, two, one..."
"FUCK." The countdown hadn't done anything to prepare Iruka. Rushed hands pulled the sheets up, and Iruka couldn't help but grasp to try to hurry the process. Instead, he caught something hard and round. "Wha - ?"
The nurse's eyes bugged out. "Oh god, DON'T pull!" Iruka yelped, dropping the tube. The nurse composed herself. "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to scare you. They're drains, to help flush your injuries. They're needed for healing, I'm sorry." She patted his leg. "Hopefully we can get those out this week?"
Iruka didn't bother replying, only sinking back and closing his eyes. "Someone said... painkillers?" He bit his lip again, frustrated he didn't even have the strength to raise his hands to cover his eyes.
"Of course," the female medi-nin's voice. "Are you settled? We'll get you those in a moment." Iruka only nodded, screwing his eyes closed tighter as he listened to the three sets of footsteps hurry from the room. He couldn't blame them, between the thickness of the bandages, how awful any movement felt, the drains, and the painful smiles the staff wore, he knew he must look horrifying. He didn't want to cry, though. He felt pathetic enough, with being so hurt he couldn't bring his arms up to wipe his face if he'd wanted to. He knew he'd failed, he'd gotten injured on a mission that should have been a sleeper. Part of him, lying there now, wished it had all ended on the battlefield and he wouldn't be in this state.
"What do you remember, Iruka?" A quiet voice from the corner of the room jolted him from his self-pity. His eyes snapped open.
"Wha - " It took his eyes a moment's effort to properly focus in the direction of the voice. Iruka frowned. "Kakashi? How - when - "
"I spend a lot of time here, whether I like it or not. I know my way out without getting stopped, and also my way in." Kakashi, clad in his usual shinobi blues, stepped from the shadow in the corner. He didn't look like himself, though, or sound like it. Kakashi typically slouched, slumped, his eyes always uninterested. Presenting in front of Iruka though, he stood tall, his exposed eye steady and unwavering.
What is he doing here? "How - how long were you - "
"I didn't see anything, if that's what you're worried about." Kakashi blinked. "You're in bad shape, hey."
Iruka closed his eyes, ignoring the other man's words. "How long have I been out for?"
"You've been in the hospital for seventeen days."
Iruka's eyes snapped wide open. "Seventeen... my class - "
Kakashi snorted, cutting him off. "They told me you were responsible, but to be in a coma for over two weeks and your first thought is your job. Incredible. It's been covered."
Sure, make fun of me, Hatake. Wait - "Shit - Izumo!" Iruka tried to sit up, only for a wail of pain to escape his lips.
Concern crossed Kakashi's exposed eye, and he took another step forward. "Please, sensei, sit back. Izumo, and myself are fine."
"The mission - I failed - "
"We didn't fail. Izumo and I got what we needed to. And you - " Kakashi's voice softened. "You protected us. That barrier you put up gave us all a running start. You're alive, that's most important." Iruka closed his eyes and didn't speak. He was exhausted. Every movement was horrible. He prayed silently the medi-nins would hurry back with the pain medication. Why was Kakashi here anyways?
"Iruka," Kakashi spoke again, his voice so unusually soft. "I need to know - I was leading the mission, and we almost... lost you." Kakashi paused, taking a deep breath. "What do you remember?"
So that was it. Reporting on a mission gone wrong, and getting Iruka's version, no doubt. He tried to assess Kakashi's tone over the sensations rippling through his body, tried to take a deep breath, and cursed himself as a small cry of pain escaped his lips instead. "I remember," he tried again, trying to get enough air to force the words out. "I remember thinking, I let you down."
"You didn't." Kakashi's voice was hoarse. "What else, what else do you remember?"
"I let off an exploding tag, took out one of the enemy, but there was a fourth. I wasn't ready." Iruka's heart hammered his against his chest, his voice choked.
"And then what?" Another step forward.
Iruka felt like prey. His flushed face burned, his tongue heavy and thick, a sick swelling creeping in his chest. "He... the enemy, kicked me out of a tree, and jumped on me. Pain, in my side, my chest. I went down. I managed to jump up and stab him, but then I went dark. I couldn't get up, I couldn't fight anymore." Why was Kakashi doing this to him? Was it mission debrief? Why Kakashi, was there nobody else?
"Someone came and got you." Kakashi's voice was barely a rasp.
Iruka couldn't bring himself to look up. "Yes," he whispered. "Someone got me. They picked me up and now I'm here."
The silence was deafening. Iruka didn't know what to do, what to feel, even how he was feeling. He couldn't move, couldn't look up, couldn't not look up.
"Is that all you remember?"
Iruka furrowed his brow. "The fight, er, ambush? Yes." He wished desperately moving wasn't so painful, he wanted so much to shrink away from the intensity of Kakashi's stare. The man was halfway across the room now, and there was a hunger to his energy. Iruka couldn't help but feel afraid.
"Iruka," Kakashi's voice was surprisingly breathy. "Do you remember being found?"
"Well, I mean, no... there was... I thought it was the end, so I thought... I suppose I was feverish. It was like - like a dream." Iruka struggled over his words. The pain on his left side pulsed.
"You were talking."
"I was?" Iruka was surprised at the fact, and lifted his head to meet Kakashi's eye. "I mean, I thought it was in my head. I kept trying to remember, feel the pain, feel my body, stay alive."
"What else? Who was talking to you?"
"I - I - I... I don't know..." Iruka trailed off weakly. A thought crossed his mind, and he gasped in terror. "Oh god, it wasn't, it wasn't an enemy, was it? I didn't say anything - I didn't betray - "
"Nothing like that." Kakashi was so close to the bed. Iruka didn't understand how a man who kept most of his face covered could emit so much intensity from one eye. "It was me. You were talking to me."
Iruka had to look away.
Look up. Look at him.
"Iruka, what did you mean?" Kakashi's voice sounded strangled.
Say it, Iruka. He's asking you. He wants to know.
"Mean by what?" Iruka offered weakly.
Coward.
Iruka couldn't look up. His heart had lept into his throat, and he swore it was trying to suffocate him. Between the unbearable crushing in his chest, and under the weight of Kakashi's gaze, he wondered if his wounds felt worse than this.
Look at him, you coward. Just spit it out. Stop carrying it.
"Do... do you remember what you were saying?" Kakashi had moved so close, Iruka could have reached an arm out and touched him.
What does he want, he's looking for something. Oh god, please Kakashi, just TELL ME what you want to hear, I'll say it.
But Kakashi didn't speak.
This was what Iruka had wanted for so long, so long before the mission. Now, he had it, and he was trapped in it. Trapped in his own body, one that had allowed him to survive through the agony. Trapped in this hospital, in this bed that he didn't even have the strength to get up from. Now, trapped between his own memories, and the person he'd wanted so badly that he'd sworn it might consume him.
He couldn't do it.
"It - it was..." Iruka's breath hitched, "stupid." He swallowed, pain in his ribs reaching unbearable levels as his chest crushed from the inside.
"Stupid." Kakashi repeated, his tone suddenly flat. "You think it was stupid - what you said."
It wasn't. It was the truth, dammit, Kakashi. "I was... emotional." stuttered Iruka. I'm so sorry, I'm weak. I can't do this right now. I'm sorry.
Iruka would have taken another blow to the heart if Kakashi would only look away, but he did not. Kakashi's eye examined him a moment longer. Just when Iruka thought he might crumple, Kakashi sighed and stepped back, closing his eye and resumed his usual slouch.
"The dying are known," Kakashi began, his voice low and even, "to confess to and claim all sorts of things that never happened in their life, heinous crimes, affairs, secret identities, anything. It can take years to sort out what is true and what is imagined. T&I has a whole unit dedicated to deathbed confessions, clearing out who is guilty and who is innocent and deluded." Kakashi continued, crossing his arms. "Even if the deceased is cleared," Kakashi spoke with precision, his voice wavering slightly, "the ones they leave behind are left to carry those final words, all that time."
"I see..." Iruka swore his heart was threatening to hammer through his sternum. Just say it. Gods, I can't do this right now. Too much, too much... he screwed his eyes shut, trying to force tears down.
Why did you have to come now, Kakashi.
Silence descended heavily on the room, punctuated only by the sound of Iruka's laboured breathing. The minutes dragged on, until finally Kakashi spoke. "You're in a lot of pain, right now, aren't you?"
Iruka opened his eyes, thanking the spirits his tears hadn't spilled. "I mean, yes - I didn't think - "
"I would appreciate it if you did not let anyone know I was here. As the captain of a mission gone wrong, I consider it important to follow up with injured teammates." Kakashi's tone had become brisk and business-like. "I suppose I'll see you when I check up on Naruto." Before Iruka could reply, Kakashi was gone, leaving behind only a few leaves fluttering in his wake.
Groaning, Iruka sank still further back into the bed. The hell was that supposed to mean? He snorted audibly. Sure, Kakashi, as MISSION captain, just show up in the damn hospital and interrogate someone about when they almost fucking died. Even as - ah! He winced, and stilled himself. Still, he came. He wanted to know. Why couldn't I just say it? Shame cinched his ribs together, and Iruka let go and let his tears finally spill.
The female medi-nin had then mercifully shown up with an IV drip, before he'd had any more time to dwell. Under her pitying eyes, he let her believe he was crying because of the physical pain, and listened to her words assuring him the little bag of clear liquid would dull the sensations and let him sleep. He wondered if he saw her pause, seeing the leaves that now lay where Kakashi had stood. He forgot about it as the sting of a needle pierced his arm, and within moments, Iruka felt a warm tickling begin to flood his body. He knew the medication would take him soon, and so allowed himself to reflect on what he wished his answer had been.
Yes, Kakashi. I'm so incredibly in love with you.
The pressure in Iruka's chest finally released, and sleep fell over him.