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There hadn’t been a night he considered worse than this one. Yosuke knew he wasn’t the strongest or brightest on the team, but he was capable. He was able to protect his friends, keep them safe. It was something he prided himself on. His persona was strong and together the two of them grew into a force to be reckoned with. His Jiraiya. The personification of his heart.
But tonight… Tonight his persona let him down.
Or maybe he let his persona down. He didn’t know, but it didn’t matter. Jiraiya didn’t come when he was called. He didn’t come when Yosuke screamed for him. He didn’t come when the shadow lashed out at Yosuke and threw him against the wall. Instead of Jiraiya it had been Izanagi to save him from being devoured. Izanagi destroyed the shadow while Tomoe made sure the other shadows stayed away from Yosuke.
“Where is Jiraiya??” Yosuke screamed out. He stood, ignoring the pain in his body as he looked around. What was the point in screaming and yelling for his persona when it was clear he wouldn’t appear? No matter how many times he tried to summon him from the depths of his heart, Jiraiya didn’t come. Everyone stared at him, watching him like he was a pitiful dog. His heart shattered more as he pushed Yu away when the leader attempted to comfort him. It wasn’t long before Yosuke demanded they leave the TV world. Teddie graciously complied and helped them all leave. No one said a word as Yosuke stormed off, nearly on the verge of tears.
“Where is he?” he whispered, staring at his ceiling from the comfort of his bed. Tonight’s events played in his mind over and over again. He wanted to scream and cry and figure out where the hell his persona ran off to. There had to have been a reason. He didn’t know much about personas, but he was pretty sure they didn’t just up and leave the person they were attached to.
“Yosuke?”
Yosuke ignored Teddie’s small voice. The other boy had moved from his bed in the closet to the less comfortable floor. The two had been living together for a while now. Even after the cases were all solved and Yu had gone back to the big city, Teddie continued living there, not that Yosuke minded. He liked the background noise of Teddie talking to himself or playing video games while he was doing homework. It was like having a little brother, something Yosuke never got to experience.
“Yosuke?” Teddie called again.
“What?”
He knew he sounded harsh, but he couldn’t help it. He wondered if they never should have entered the TV this time. Yu had just come back to visit for the summer when Teddie and Yosuke decided to relay the bad news to him. They had seen it again. The Midnight Channel. It was fuzzy, like something was trying to display but didn’t have the power to do so fully. Perhaps it was a warning or perhaps someone was stuck in there already, but Yosuke didn’t want to wait to find out. As hesitant as everyone was to enter the TV again, they did. That was when Yosuke realized his persona was gone.
“It’ll be alright, Yosuke,” Teddie said, crawling over to the bed and resting his chin on the edge. “There has to be a reason why Jiraiya didn’t appear when you called him.”
“What possible reason could that be, Teddie?”
The small noise Teddie made captured Yosuke’s curiosity. He looked down at the smaller boy, sitting up so his back was resting against the wall. He stared at him, watching him turn something around in his mind. Teddie was an open book and by now Yosuke had learned exactly how to read him.
“What are you thinking, Ted? You know the reason?”
“Of course I don’t!”
“If you know the reason, then tell me! This isn’t a game, Teddie! I need to know if there’s a way I can fix this!”
“I… I just….”
When Teddie opened his mouth to speak, the worst possible scenario came from him. Yosuke almost punched him for saying such a thing until he realized that what Teddie said wasn’t impossible. In fact, it was the only reasonable explanation. But how could he say this to his friends? How could he tell his friends this was probably the reason why he no longer had a persona? It was embarrassing. It was humiliating.
But he had to tell them.
The next day he gathered them at the food court in Junes. Somehow he figured Yu had already solved this little puzzle. Maybe everyone had. All it took was a little thought, but Yosuke still told them Teddie’s theory. None of them seemed surprised, but Yosuke still pretended they all hadn’t already figured it out. He pretended this was their first time thinking such a thing, but it did nothing to make him feel better.
“If this is true, then… I need to face this head on.”
“You don’t have to, Yosuke,” Chie said, giving him that look again. He was tired of his friends pitying him, feeling sorry for him. “There’s no reason for you to. There’s no real need for our personas anymore, and if yours is the only one in the television then…”
“There’s a reason something appeared on the Midnight Channel that night, Chie.” Yosuke was surprisingly calm as he spoke. He had already settled within himself that he would need to do this, with or without his friends’ help. “If these emotions are strong enough to make that happen when I wasn’t even in the television, then… Well….”
“It probably came to full fruition when you entered the TV to investigate,” Naoto said, her hand to her chin.
“And that’s why Jiraiya couldn’t come when I called him. Because… Because he’s a shadow again.”
It hurt Yosuke to repeat it. Once was enough; he didn’t want to remind himself that he had become so weak that his shadow made an appearance again. He didn’t know what emotions he was hiding deep in the depths of his soul, but they had been strong enough to revert his persona back into a shadow.
“We have to go back into the TV. I have to face my shadow. I have to face him once again and… And accept whatever it is he has to say.”
“You don’t know?” Yu asked quietly, keeping his eyes trained on his partner. “You don’t know what your shadow could be this time? It has to be something different since you’ve already accepted him once before.”
Yosuke shook his head, looking in the direction of the flat screen TVs. “I don’t know. But I want to find out. I want my persona back. I want my shadow to…” He trailed off, heading straight for the televisions, the footsteps of his friends behind him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted everyone coming along. If his shadow really was lurking in the depths of the other world, then that meant everyone would see… Everyone would see something about him that he was ashamed of. He considered himself lucky. He had been there to witness everyone’s shadows; from Chie to Naoto he had seen the darkest parts of everyone’s heart while only Yu had seen his.
And that was how he wanted to keep it.
“You’re all coming?”
“Shadows are no joke, Yosuke,” Teddie warned. “The more personas to fight it, the better.”
“Maybe only some of us should go,” Yu said, clearly sensing Yosuke’s discomfort. He quietly thanked his friend, and agreed that only Yu, Chie, and Teddie would join him. The others would wait. The four of them together were more than enough to handle one shadow should it lose control.
“Alright….” Yosuke looked at the empty screen. His reflection stared back at him just like his shadow had that day he first saw him. “Let’s find my shadow.”
In the four went, back to the other side of the television. They landed in the same place they always did, and they followed Teddie’s nose to where the shadow might be lurking.
“There’s no doubt about it, Yosuke,” Teddie said quietly, his bear feet squeaking with each step. “It has your scent. There’s a shadow in here and… It’s yours.”
Why? Why, why, why? Yosuke didn’t say anything as they pressed forward. What could his shadow be this time? Would it have it’s own environment like Yukiko, Kanji, or Naoto’s did? Would it be wearing different clothes? What would it accuse Yosuke of feeling?
He stayed silent, letting these questions run through his mind. He felt weak and heavy. The air here felt suffocating and he wondered if he was suffering this much because his persona wasn’t here with him. At this point he was grateful that Chie, Yu, and Teddie were here with him. They could help him if something went wrong. He had every intention of simply accepting the feelings his shadow would express to him, but if something did go wrong, then he would have to rely on the other three. He could hardly stand, let alone fight against his shadow… Or run from it.
“Here, Yosuke.”
“Huh?”
He gasped when he looked up and saw his own house standing in front of him. So this was it then? He would have to walk through here and find his shadow… Possibly fight it? His feet were glued to the ground and he felt like he would pass out at any moment. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t want to meet his shadow again. He was scared of it. He was scared of what it would say to him. He was scared of what it would look like.
“Guys, I….”
“You can do this, Yosuke.”
He looked over at Yu, who gave him an encouraging smile. He knew that Yu wouldn’t allow him to let his fear take over. They were here and ready… He had no choice but to go through with it.
They all walked inside and were surprised to see the house’s appearance was unchanged. It wasn’t twisted or maimed or gross like they all thought it would be. It looked exactly like Yosuke’s house except for one thing.
“What is this?” Yosuke slowly walked to the couch where a little doll of Teddie was sitting comfortably on one of the cushions.
“It’s me!” Teddie cried, pushing past Yu and Chie to get a closer look. “It looks exactly me! That’s so strange. Look! Look!” He held the toy up so everyone could compare. It was exactly the same; there were no differences whatsoever.
“That’s great and all, but what’s it doing here?” Yosuke took it, staring at it as if it would give him all the answers he wanted. “I don’t have a Teddie doll.”
“Maybe you wanted one so your shadow made one appear.”
“Then why isn’t he here with it? Besides, that’s a stupid thing to say. I doubt he would take time out of being miserable to make himself a Teddie doll.”
“Maybe he made it because he’s miserable and he knew it would cheer him up!”
Yosuke rolled his eyes and continued through the house. He kept the doll with him, holding it at his side. Nothing should have bothered him at this point. Nothing should have freaked him out, but this did. This house that was so familiar and yet completely strange to him. This doll of Teddie that was more frightening than comforting. This whole situation was more disturbing than Yosuke could handle.
“I want to leave,” he whispered. Everyone heard him, but no one responded. They continued through the house in silence, following behind Yosuke. He led them to every room except the room he knew his shadow would be residing in. His own bedroom was the last place they visited, and he knew just standing on the outside of it that this was it. This was where his shadow was hiding. This was where he would confront him and be forced to accept another part of him that he hated and was ashamed of.
“Are your ready, Yosuke?”
Yu’s voice floated up from behind him. He wasn’t ready. He was the farthest thing from ready, but it didn’t matter. Without another word, he opened the door and there he saw it.
His shadow.
His eyes were focused for only a brief moment on his shadow before he took in his room.
“What the….”
Plastered all over the walls were pictures of Teddie. Some had him in his human form, others had him in his bear form. Some were of him alone, some were of him with the others. They were everywhere, on every wall from floor to ceiling, and even on the floor and ceiling.
“Y-Yosuke….?” Teddie’s voice was small and shook as he slowly moved to stand behind Yu and Chie.
“Teddie, I….” He didn’t know where to begin. How could he explain this when even he didn’t know what it meant?
A moan came from the bed where the shadow was laying curled up in the sheets. At the foot of the bed were several Teddie dolls just like the one they found when they first entered the house. These dolls, however, were all but completely destroyed. They were cut, burned, torn apart… Broken. All of them.
“Teddie! You finally came back.”
The shadow sat up; Yosuke stared into a face that was his own and felt himself freeze. Those yellow eyes pierced his soul and he felt his body tremble from sheer fear.
“I’ve been waiting for you. Come join me.” Shadow Yosuke patted the spot next to him on the bed, waiting for Teddie to come to him.
“You won’t touch him!” Yosuke screamed, making sure Teddie was safely behind everyone. From the looks of this room, the shadow might actively attempt to hurt Teddie and not just Yosuke.
“Aren’t you an asshole?” Shadow Yosuke stood, and Yosuke instantly recognized his own pajamas being worn by the creature. “You don’t want to ever share Teddie, do you? You want him all to yourself. It would be better if Teddie just stayed in your bedroom with you and never came out. Then you could be sure that he would never fall in love with anyone other than you.”
“What are you saying?? That’s not true!”
“Of course it’s true. I’m you, after all. You’re so in love with the teddie bear that you don’t know what to do with yourself. But Teddie doesn’t understand these kinds of things. He doesn’t grasp concepts like love. Lust. Desire. Want.”
“Shut the hell up!”
“It’s cute how he pretends. He knows how to flirt, that’s for sure. It’s cute until he does it too much. Then it just gets annoying. It’s annoying because he doesn’t flirt with me. He should be flirting with me! I’m the one who takes care of him! I’m the one who lets him stay in my home! Eat my food! Play my video games! Sleep in my bedroom! His heart should beat for me!”
“I don’t think that at all, you damn liar! You did this just to screw with me! Give me back my persona now! Give me back Jiraiya!”
“Jiraiya? But I’m Yosuke. I’m Yosuke Hanamura.”
“You’re just a shadow!” Chie yelled, already noticing how flustered Yosuke was getting. Even though he knew better she didn’t trust him to not say those dreaded words. She could see them on the tip of his tongue, and she knew he wasn’t thinking about what he was or wasn’t saying.
“That’s right. I am a shadow, the true self. And I love Teddie so much. My heart yearns for him! My body needs him! I need him to love me and touch me and kiss me!”
“Shut up!”
“One drop of love from him is all I need!” Shadow Yosuke hugged himself, trailing his hands along his body as he spoke. He touched all over himself and Yosuke could feel his own cheeks burning red from embarrassment. He prayed for this to just be a dream. He closed his eyes and willed away this disgusting room and this disgusting creature. He wanted to wake up in his room and laugh at the ridiculousness of such a dream, but when he opened his eyes again all he saw was his shadow.
“This can’t be real….”
“Teddie, please.” There was no longer an interest in Yosuke, not when Teddie was so close by. Shadow Yosuke smiled at him and started to slowly walk towards him. “Please, love me. You don’t understand, I know. Just stay with me always. Love me and make me yours!”
“I said stay away from him!”
The shadow was faster than Yosuke. It easily dodged him when he jumped at it. “Please, Teddie!” It continued to call to him, not at all caring what Yosuke was doing. “I love you. I need you. Just be mine and I promise you’ll be happy. I can’t give you much, but I can make you happy. I know I can.”
“Shut the hell up!” Yosuke screamed from where he had fallen to the floor. “I don’t think these things! I don’t feel this way about Teddie! I don’t! You’re a goddamn liar! You’re not real! You can’t even be my shadow! You’re not m—“
He was cut off by a body slamming into him, pressing him harder on the ground. A hand covered his mouth and he blinked up at Yu who was forcing him to stay down.
“You know not to say that.”
“Hmmm???”
Yosuke cast his eyes over to his shadow, who was back to paying attention to him. “What was that? I didn’t quite hear you.”
“Yosuke, listen to me.” It was difficult to tear his eyes away from the shadow to focus back on Yu, especially when Teddie was in such danger. Yosuke did it, though. With tears streaming down his face, he looked back at Yu, who was smiling at him.
“I think… I think these are good feelings for you to have. You love someone. You truly love someone. Not many people can say that. Perhaps you’re embarrassed or ashamed of your feelings, but in reality… They’re fine. Tell Teddie the truth. If you’re in love with him, then he deserves to know. If you want him to stay by your side forever or not flirt with other people or love you back, then tell him. He needs to know these things, Yosuke.”
Yu slowly took his hand away from Yosuke’s mouth, then stood and offered his hand to him. Yosuke didn’t take it. He stayed laying on the floor, staring at the ceiling that was covered with pictures of Teddie. He was focused on one in particular, one of himself and Teddie smiling and laughing and having a great time. He loved spending time with the little bear. He loved being near him. He loved touching his shoulder to tell him he was doing a good job at Junes. He loved listening to his quiet breathing as he slept. He loved waking up every morning with him, eating breakfast with him, and just spending time with him.
“I’m sorry, Teddie,” he whispered, remaining on the floor. “I should have told you before. I tried to pretend I didn’t have these feelings, and they boiled over inside of me until… Until a shadow was created from them.” He briefly glanced at his shadow who was staring right back at him. He was thankful that it was no longer paying attention to Teddie. If it decided to act up, it would most likely attack him rather than anyone else.
“It’s true… I don’t think you fully understand these feelings. I don’t think you understand the concepts of love or lust. I think you try to and you pretend to, but in reality it’s all a mystery to you. That upsets me a bit, but it also makes me happy. It makes me happy because it means that you can’t have feelings for anyone. If I can’t have you, then I don’t want anyone else to have you either.”
The room was quiet. Yosuke didn’t dare look away from the ceiling. He knew everyone was judging him, staring at him with that pitiful look, and Teddie…. Teddie must have been so frightened and confused. Their friendship was over, of that Yosuke was sure. Still, he had done it. He had explained himself and his feelings. He had accepted them regardless of how miserable they made him feel.
“I understand.”
“What?”
Yosuke barely had time to turn his head before he was straddled by a now human Teddie. He looked up at the blonde boy, the guilt welling up inside of him at the sight of tears trailing down his cheek.
“I said I understand. I’m not… I’m not so ignorant, Yosuke. I understand what you’re saying. I mean… I can’t explain love exactly, but it makes your heart beat really fast. It makes it difficult to breath. Your stomach feels all funny and twisted. You can’t stop thinking about the person you’re in love with. And lust… I mean… I know less about that, but I know that it involves kissing and touching and taking off your clothes. I know these things, Yosuke. I know because I asked people, and I know because… Because I can’t stop thinking about you. Because when I think about you my heart beats really, really fast. I can hardly breath and my body feels warm. That’s love, isn’t it?”
Yosuke stared at the one on top of him, hardly believing what he was hearing. Was it really possible? Did Teddie really love him?
“Teddie….” Yosuke brushed some of Teddie’s usually perfect hair away from his face before pulling him down into a hug. “Teddie, my Teddie.” He held him as tightly as could, never wanting to let him go. His heart warmed knowing that Teddie felt this way about him. This silly, over-the-top, ridiculous, and wonderful bear loved him.
Teddie placed a light kiss on Yosuke’s neck before moving to look him in the eye. “You don’t have to worry about me not loving you. I do. I think I do anyway.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Yosuke said, continuing to rub Teddie’s hair. “The point is we feel something for each other. Something strong. So… I’m sorry for not telling you before. I’m sorry for letting it get this out of hand.” As much as he didn’t want to, he tore his gaze away from Teddie to look at his shadow who was staring at both of them. It was hard to tell if it was happy or jealous, but it didn’t say a word as Teddie and Yosuke stood and made their way over to it.
“I’m sorry to you, too. I’m sorry for forcing you to come out again. I’m sorry for not listening to you when you were screaming at me to admit to myself how I felt.”
“And I’m sorry, too,” Teddie told the shadow, taking it by the hand. His bright blue eyes met the shadow's intense, but shocked, yellow ones. “I should have noticed. I should have been more aware of your feelings. But now I am and we can all be happy together. Would you like that?”
A small smile crossed the shadow’s face and it gave a quick nod. The other two grinned and pulled it into a hug, embracing it with every ounce of strength they could muster. It didn’t take long for the shadow to disappear in their arms and for Jiraiya to replace it before he hid back in the depths of Yosuke’s heart.
“Welcome back,” Yosuke whispered to him, his body warming not only at the return of his persona, but at how tightly Teddie held his hand.
The nearly forgotten Yu and Chie stepped forward, and together the four left the television to return to the sunny, bright world they belonged to.