Secrets, dreams and lies

by saturnscoded

Summary:

Porchay has spent the last three years as Kimhan's assistant but time has run out and he has to say goodbye.

Chay starts his weekdays at 6.00 a.m. sharp.

He showers and gets ready in forty minutes so he can leave his house to catch the six forty-five bus that takes him to work. He commutes for an hour before he gets off the bus at the stop near the coffee shop just a block from the office to buy himself some breakfast because even when his shift starts at 8.00 a.m., his boss doesn’t arrive until late nine and by that time, everything is already set up.

“Good morning, Chay,” the receptionist greets him when he steps into the twenty-eighth floor of the Theerapanyakul Enterprise building.

“Morning P’Aom,” he smiles back and holds onto the strap of his back.

It has become a routine, one that he has grown to like even when he never imagined we would still be there by now. He shakes the thought off his head and goes back to his regular agenda, preparing the needed things to start the day.

Porchay organizes the documents that need attention for the day, he sets up the schedule on his iPad and when it’s almost time for his boss to arrive, he goes back to the coffee shop to get an ice Americano in his boss’ tumbler to have it ready for him on his desk.

Kimhan Theerapanyakul is complicated, to say at least. He’s young, handsome, incredibly smart, a little bratty, and has no care in the word, especially when it comes to the family’s business. It’s not a secret that he doesn’t want the position he has in the company, he makes it very clear every shareholder's session but still, he’s good at his work and his father won’t let him go.

So that’s the reason why he decided to be the most unbearable person in the workplace. He couldn’t get fired so he takes it on everyone, making the people closest to him quit, his secretaries to be precise. They wouldn’t last three months and Kimhan grow just to it, not bothering to remember faces or names if they were changing so fast. 

He got the position of COO at only twenty-two years old. He was fresh out of university and the board didn’t have much faith in him but his older brother convinced them he was going to supervise him directly which got them the green light they needed. Kim never wanted to be an active part of the company but he wasn’t going to let his brother down so he did his job and in two years their profits went up to almost double.

Once in a while, he has this self-sabotaging tendency where he tries everything in his power to get fired, failing every time and only affecting the tactical teams under him. That was until Porchay arrived at the company.

He was young, inexperienced and he was only supposed to be there for eight months to get the credits he needed to graduate doing assistant work for the management team but then, two months into the job, Kimhan’s secretary quits in a nervous breakdown and storms out of the office the same day of the Theerapanyakul annual gala and someone needed to be next to the youngest Theerapanyakul to remind the names of every person at the event.

So they took Porchay, sat him in an empty meeting room, and gave him a huge folder with faces, names, and basic facts to learn, and then they got him a suit and throwing into the copilot seat of Kimhan’s car. The driver greeted him with a nod and the boss in the back seat didn’t even notice his presence.

He was told to follow around, not getting in the way and just whispering in his ear when it was needed and Porchay was good at sticking to orders, so he did. Kimhan barely remembered him until he spoke and it stopped him in his trails.

“You’re a boy,” he said as they entered the grant salon in one of the Theerapanyakul Hotels.

“Yes, Khun.” Porchay replies holding the iPad behind his back, “as far as I’m aware.”

“Huh,” he scoffed.

The rest of the night went smoothly. Kimhan was charming but intimidating and Porchay had to admit it, he found it incredibly attractive. Until he saw his brother walking up to them.

Porsche started dating Kinn Theerapanyakul two years pior. According to his brother, it started as something casual and turned out to be more serious than he expected. Still, Porchay met P’Kinn only a year after they agreed to have a more serious formal relationship.

His brother’s boyfriend was a good guy, and after they went past the period when he tried to buy his love, everything fell into place. They had fun together when they decided to have ‘family weekends’ so Porchay grow to have a special relationship with P’Kinn where he would tease him for being old and he would teach him stuff. So even when he didn’t want to, he went to him when he needed an internship so his brother wouldn’t worry about him.

When Porchay saw his brother walking up to them and recognized the surprise in his eyes – because he wasn’t supposed to be there next to the youngest Theerapanyakul – he vigorously shook his head and hid behind Kimhan. He stood on his tiptoes and whispered into Kim’s ear.

“That’s Pors-”

“I know who he is,” he cut Porchay off, his voice tone is cold and it sent shivers down Porchay’s spine. “He’s the fucking reason I’m stuck in the company.”

When Porsche was close enough to hear, the biggest smile appeared on Kimhan Theerapanyakul’s face. He shook his brother’s hand and pat his back asking him about where his older brother was. Porsche laughed and ignored Porchay, almost as if he understood the silent pleading in his eyes.

After that, the rest of the night Porchay tried to make himself invisible, only making his presence known when it was required and making sure Kimhan spent the rest of the event in line, sending waitress away when they approached with drinks and moving him from table to table when he was about to pick up a fight.

He didn’t know it back then, but he accomplished something no one else had before.

The impossible job that Porchay seemed to perform so effortlessly. He was an expert in reading Kim’s mood of the day and guessing his most unusual and ridiculous needs, he was also the only one who could tell him off and stop him when he started to lose sight of the bigger picture. He was also the only one capable of finding him when he used to disappear for days. This is why everyone at the office thinks Porchay is an angel sent from above to have been able to put up with Kimhan on daily basis and still have that gorgeous smile of his on his face every morning.

If you ask Porchay about his boss, he would say Khun Kimhan is in a rebellious stage, still at age 28 and with one of the highest positions a company could have. He could also say that he’s lonely.

At first, he couldn’t have imagined it with the calls and variety of numbers he would receive to give directly to Kimhan only for him to dismiss it or throw it away. He would come late to work and leave early but then Porchay would get calls from bars asking to pick him up and drive him home. Every time, he was alone.

When P’Kinn told him to finish the remaining six months with his younger brother he wasn’t sure it was going to work, not after what he said about his brother but Kim broke down one late afternoon. He had a huge fight with his father over the phone and he was tearing his office apart when Porchay walked in and screamed from the top of his lungs, making him stop.

He looked scared for one second and then something else replaced the emotion. He was impressed, almost fascinated so he did as he was told. He stood in the middle of his office and he didn’t move until Porchay finished cleaning everything, yelling at him for being unprofessional and reckless. He wasn’t mad only because they trashed the office but because he could have hurt himself. And that left him speechless for a while because apart from his brothers, no one cared about him, and no one took him seriously.

After that day, Kimhan looks for Porchay over his shoulder, he waits for him in the elevator and even buys him lunch every day. He wouldn’t get into the car or signed a document if Porchay haven’t checked it first. He didn’t even realize how much he was depending on him. He just thought the young secretary with bambi eyes and a bright smile was funny and entertaining enough to keep around, he was also good at his job and he was quick to follow indications and get results.

Kimhan didn’t realize he was getting his guard down around him until one night, the first night someone called him to pick him up from a bar, and he cried in front of him. He told him about broken dreams and how he didn’t hate his brother’s boyfriend, it wasn’t his fault Kinn decided to delegate responsibilities so he could have free time to spend with Porsche, it was fair.

But it still hurt, how he hated waking up every morning and going to a place that drained him both physically and mentally, he hated how he couldn’t tell Kinn he wanted to be a musician and drop everything over his shoulders. He hated how he couldn’t hate Porsche because he made his brother so happy.

What Kimhan didn’t know is that Porchay also cried that night, he also didn’t know that he decided to stick by his side just a little bit longer.

That was three years ago.

And now, Porchay has a degree in business gathering dust on his bedroom wall as he worries about Kimhan’s iced coffee. P’Kinn told him he can quit anytime and get a position according to his abilities but the thing about lies and hiding his identity from that person he sees more than his brother is that the more time passes, the hardest it gets to tell.

So he just puts the thought at the back of his head and goes on with his day.

He looks at the digital clock on his desk less than half an hour to nine. He reaches for the black tumbler and stands up, looking at the clock once again before heading to the elevators.

Porchay greets people with a smile and hums as he walks through the hallway things feel at ease this morning until the elevator doors open and the first thing he sees is Kimhan’s huge smile and a cheeky spark in his eyes, so he turns over his heels and intents to go back to his desk but Kim’s hands are on his shoulders and his laugh echoes in his head as he guides him into the elevator.

“Why are you here early, Khun Kim?” Porchay asks feeling nervous by the mischievous look on his face.

“We’re going somewhere, Chay.” He says and Porchay can hear the smile in his voice.

Kim is excited, that is never good.

“I don’t have anything in your schedule that requires you to leave the building,” Porchay says noticing the lack of bodyguards by Kim’s side.

“Yeah, because this has nothing to do with the company.” He says with a smirk on his face.

Porchay lets out a sigh. This is his fault. He was the one who wanted to earn Kimhan’s trust so he followed him everywhere for the first couple of months. He was there every time Kim turn around and he answered his name being called in a fragment of a second.

The fact that he had a tiny bit of a crush on his boss was part of the reason, but that was a long time ago. It’s all gone by now.

It wasn’t easy at first. Kimhan is paranoid and trusts no one with his matters, so when Porchay tried to grow closer to him, he kept on pushing him away. Until eventually, he needed him. Either to cover his tracks or lie for him, Porchay was sticking around longer than expected, and keeping things from him was getting harder and harder. So Kimhan decided to take a leap of faith with him and he hasn’t regretted it since.

But Porchay has because now he’s getting dragged who knows where when there are papers to be signed and team meetings to attend. He’s starting to get a headache and it's not even nine in the morning. So, he just lets it be, he lets Kimhan’s hand squeeze his shoulders as the elevator hits the first floor and they walk out of the building.

Kim takes the car keys from his driver’s hands and tells him to take a couple of hours free. The man looks at him in resignation and doesn’t say much. It’s not like he can stop him, it’s not that this hasn’t happened before.

Porchay gets in the passenger seat and puts on the seatbelt before Kim starts the vehicle and drives off the center of the city.  He’s humming some tune but the radio is turned off and even when Porchay tries not to, he ends up looking his way. He has a huge smile on his face that makes his eyes smaller and Chay can’t help to start feeling a little excited.

‘What is it that has him so happy?’

There are a lot of things that go on inside Porchay’s mind whenever he’s with Kimhan. Most of the thoughts are filled with annoyance and reminders to have patience and respect for his boss and then, there are moments like this, filled with curiosity and amusement when he sees this grumpy heir turn into an excited kid.

Slowly, Porchay starts recognizing midtown’s scenery as Kimhan drives by and it doesn’t take him long to guess where they’re going. One of the latest and more persistent obsessions of his boss, the old jazz bar Kimhan found six months ago in one of his drunk solo nights going around the city.

Even when Kim has a driver that takes him anywhere he needs to be, there are times that he would ditch said driver to go around have fun and cause trouble. Porchay learned pretty early that the trouble his boss caused directly affected him, so the first time he got a call at 3 a.m. from a random number asking him to pick up a drunk man from a club he never heard of before, he hung up. The second call that came that night was from Kimhan’s phone.

After that, it became a regular occurrence. Maybe twice a week, Kim would get so drunk he could barely stand and Porchay would have to pick him up from wherever he was, make sure no one took any pictures, pay the tab and tip the bartender before dragging his boss to the cab waiting for them at the door.

But the call he got six months ago was around 10.30 in the night and Kimhan wasn’t drunk, but he sounded just as excited and frenetic. Somehow, he convinced Porchay to leave the comfort of his house on a Friday night – not that he has a social life to actually have plans for the weekend – to go to an old jazz club in midtown.

And that’s where they arrive, Kimhan has the biggest smile on his face when he finishes parking the car and hurrying Porchay to get out and walk inside. The same thought he had when he came the first time persists. The place was beautiful, but one can tell its golden days were passed gone as soon as you enter the club.

Inside, the thick curtains keep the sun out, leaving the place in complete darkness, the warm lights that hang from the ceiling flicker as they walk by, and the carpet on the floor is worn out, the design and color almost gone, and even when the furniture and divans are gorgeous, they look too old to be appreciated.

But Porchay can see it, the reason why Kimhan is so fixed on the place, he can see the vision of what it could become, especially after Kim sits at the piano in the middle of the stage at the back of the bar and starts playing and humming. His hands start tingling and the thought of taking a video or even just a picture reappears in his mind but he shakes it off. That’s unprofessional, Porchay is not a kid anymore.

“Why are we here, Khun Kim?” Porchay finally asks as he approaches the stage, looking around.

Kim smiles and he moves aside to later tap the seat, indicating Chay to sit next to him. He hesitates and Kimhan can see it in his eyes.

“C’mon, you know I don’t bite,” he scoffs.

Lies.

But Porchay doesn’t move and Kimhan sighs but he keeps playing. The younger one looks around and pulls out his phone just in case and Kim smiles, sometimes he forgets that Chay works for him.

“What are you doing?” he asks, making those bambi eyes at him.

“Do you even have the owner’s permission to be here at this hour?” Porchay asks concerned, then his eyes get wide open and he leans over the piano his face close enough to Kim’s to whisper, “Are we trespassing?”

Kim laughs and stands up.

“We have the owner’s permission,” he states as he pulls out the keys of the place from his pants pocket.

Porchay stares at him. Bluntly blinking in disbelief.

“I don’t understand.” He says, not a single expression on his face.

“What don’t you understand? I bought the place.” Kimhan smiles, moving the keys in his hand in front of Porchay’s face.

“The owner didn’t want to sell,” he explains.

“I can be persuasive.”

“You can be a bully too.” He says, crossing his arms and looking at him dead in the eye. Things like this can come back to bite their asses.

“His books were in red long before I found the place but the previous owner was stubborn,” Kim explains, slowly almost as if he’s trying to calm him down, “last week he finally reached out to me and we sealed the deal yesterday.”

Porchay nods and his arms fall to his sides, “in that case, congrats Khun Kim.”

He doesn’t expect the silence that comes after that or the way Kimhan stares at him, almost as if he’s expecting something else from him. But there’s only one thing on Porchay’s mind. There are still corners and bits in Kim’s life that he doesn’t know of, that he’s not part of and even when it shouldn’t bug him, it does.

Maybe it’s because he’s been guarding Kim’s dream for the last three years, maybe because he gets to hear him drunkenly sing in the backseat of the car when he’s getting him home or maybe because he occasionally turns into his emotional dropping back when he gets frustrated. 

“Is that all?” Kim asks, lifting his brows and when he’s about to open his arms, Porchay gets a text and his attention falls on his phone.

‘Let’s have lunch together’

It’s P’Kinn. Porchay clears his throat and puts his phone back in his pocket, avoiding Kim’s eyes.

“Is everything okay?” Kimhan is suddenly closer, trying to get Porchay to look at him but he feels his cheeks getting warmer so he steps back, looking at the place, trying to distract himself.

“What are you planning to do, Khun Kim?” he asks instead and Kimhan knows he’s trying to diverge the attention but he lets it be, so he tells him his plans for the bar.

He tells him about the remodeling he wants to make, the change of name and what kind of vibe he wants the place to have. He wants it to be a hidden gem, a place where he can come and play and sing and people won’t have any idea of who he is. And Kim looks like a kids right now, with dreamy eyes and vivacious hands.

It takes them less than two hours to go back to the office and when they do, Porchay makes him sign the pending documents on his desk, always checking his watch and Kim starts to find it strange. It’s not until the clock indicates midday that Porchay knocks at the door and Kim gets up from his chair.

“So, what do you want to eat today?” he asks, picking up his wallet before looking at his secretary.

“Um, yeah about that,” Chay mumbles, looking at his feet, “I already have plans with someone.”

That shouldn’t surprise Kimhan, it’s not like they eat together every day but there’s something in the way that Chay says it, avoiding his gaze almost in whispers that gives him a bad feeling about it, but he just nods, there’s not much he can do about it.

Porchay bows and closes the door as he leaves.

P’Kinn is already waiting for him at the restaurant and to his surprise, he’s alone. Meetings with only the two of them are not usual, Porsche is the link between the two of them, even when things stopped being awkward a long time ago. Yet, when Kinn Theerapanyakul smiles so brightly that his eyes get soft when he arrives, there’s still something intimidating about him.

They have some small talk while they order their food, catching up on what they’ve been up to. Porchay doesn’t want to ask about his brother because he finds it rude but the question remains over their heads and it's only when the food of placed in front of them that Kinn finally talks.

“I'm going to ask Porsche to marry me,” he says, a whisper of a smile on his face and wonder painted in his eyes.

He’s asking for permission.

Porchay gulps and his eyes get teary. He knew this day will come, and he was hoping for it but the person that first appeared in his mind is not his brother.

“I’ll have to resign,” he says with a little fatality in his voice more to himself than anyone else.

Kinn looks at him confused before he makes sense of what Porchay said. When he finally does, he nods, slowly, remembering the situation the three of them have been ignoring for the last three years.

“I can talk to Kim if you want,” Kinn offers and Porchay shakes his head immediately.

“I’ll do it myself, P’Kinn.” He says and his smile starts to grow, matching the news he just received. “Thank you for loving and taking care of my Hia.”

Kinn mirrors the expression on his face and places one hand on the top of Porchay’s.

“We are family, Chay,” P’Kinn tightens his grab, “I’ll always be here for you too.”

Even when it was hard at first, he decides to trust the man in front of him again, but this time is different, it’s easier. There’s a bond now and even when Porchay didn’t want him to, Kinn has been behaving like an older brother to him, and now, he doesn’t imagine their lives without him.

*

Kim notices the change as soon as Porchay arrives. His head is all over the place, his movements have turned clumsy and the usual smile is now gone. He keeps bumping into people as they walk through the hallways to their meetings and his apologies sound empty and repetitive.

‘A date turned bad?’

He bites his tongue. Kim wants to ask but he knows he has no right to. So he tries to focus on the meetings but his eyes keep falling onto the silhouette in the corner at the back of the room.

The last meeting of the day is about to end when his eyes catch him one more time. He’s looking at his phone and a small smile makes its appearance for the first time since he came back.

‘Is he texting his date?’

He doesn’t hear the end of the presentation; the claps are what drag his attention away from Chay. He nods at the team leader and gets up, letting his things on the table be picked up by Chay. When he stops his trail and turns back to do it himself, his secretary is already standing right behind him with a surprised look on his face.

“Did you forget something, Khun Kim?” He asks and Kimhan swallows the embarrassment and shakes his head walking out of the room to the elevators.

He bites his lips when it’s finally just the two of them inside. His feet keep tapping the floor and that gains Chay’s attention.

“Is everything alright, Khun-?” he proceeds to ask and Kim has grown incredibly tired of all the ‘Khun Kim’.

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” he cuts him off, “since you came back you’ve been kind of off.”

Chay laughs it up and scratches his nape.

“I’ve been kind of distracted, haven’t I?” he laughs, “I’m sorry Khun, it won’t happen again.”

Kimhan shakes his head once again.

“That’s not what I mean,” he turns around to face Chay and he immediately avoids his eyes. “Did you receive bad news or something along the lines?”

It’s a new color in Kimhan, showing concern so directly. But Chay has always been different, everyone around them can see it.

“No,” he laughs, “the opposite to be exact, I received very good news, I’m just having a little bit of a hard time coming to terms with it.”

His smile is shy when he finally meets his eyes and that calms Kimhan just a bit.

“Why?” Kim laughs, “did you win the lottery and you’re quitting your job?”

The reaction he gets is surely not one he was expecting. Chay’s facial expression falls and he’s not able to read a single thing from his eyes anymore.

“Wait,” he doesn’t expect his voice to come out so trembling or his hands to grab Chay’s wrist. “Did you?”

Porchay shakes his hands and Kimhan takes a deep breath.

“I did not win the lottery, I live solely by my paychecks, I need you to know that.” The look on his face is fierce and that unsettles Kim, “I don’t even let my hia give me an allowance.”

“Okay.” Kimhan nods, releasing Chay’s wrist before the doors open and they walk to their office.

They don’t say much after that, Porchay knocks on Kimhan’s door to say goodbye and leaves the office before he could say anything back.

*

He didn’t know how to say it. He still has time according to P’Kinn. He’s proposing on Saturday and they are having a family brunch to announce the good news on Sunday so he has the rest of the week to work things out. He has to communicate his resignation to HR and then talk directly to Kimhan.

He should’ve done it as soon as he came back from lunch but he just couldn’t. Being a secretary wasn’t a dream job of his, he never even imagined it as a part of his career but he found himself stuck in a situation that he put himself into. And he didn’t enjoy it, it was stressful and time-consuming but he was okay with that for a reason that he won’t admit to himself.

And now he’s standing in front of the HR office, wondering if he should drop the resignation letter today or tomorrow. He doesn’t get much of a choice when the door opens in front of him and Poem walks out bumping into him.

“Porchay!” she exclaims, genuinely surprised to see him, then she sees the white envelopment he’s holding and she freezes, “no,” she whispers and Porchay walks into her office.

It takes her a couple of minutes but she returns with coffee and biscuits and places them over her desk, ignoring the existence of the resignation letter in front of her.

“Tell me what to do to keep you from doing this,” she almost sounds like she’s begging and Porchay laughs but she’s serious, he can see it in her eyes. “What did he do?”

“This is not his fault, P’Poem” he affirms but there’s doubt in her eyes.

“Are you sure?” she asks, “you know better than anyone how difficult he could be and how harsh he is with words but please reconsider this,” he shakes his head once again and her face falls entirely, “did he cross the line?”

Porchay almost chokes on the coffee but he stands up, coughing and palming his chest, shaking his head.

“No!” he rushes, “this is entirely my decision, personal reasons.”  

Poem nods finally coming to terms that she won’t be able to change his mind.

-

Kimhan is waiting for him on his desk, leaning his hip on the marble counter. When he finally sees Porchay a sly smile appears on his face. He meets him halfway and Chay looks at him in suspicion.

“Is there anything you need, Khun Kim?” Porchay finally asks, setting his things on his desk, and looking up at Kimhan when he finally sits down.

“We’re going to CHAR restaurant, don’t make plans.”

Porchay stares at him.

Did the news travel up here that fast? Does he already know he’s quitting and he’s giving a last fancy meal?

“Noted.” He answers back and Kimhan disappears into his office.

-

The day goes by rather slowly and Porchay doesn’t realize it’s lunchtime until Kimhan is standing in front of him knocking on his desk and hurrying him to end the call he’s in the middle of.

The car ride is awkwardly silent but it only takes them twenty minutes to arrive and they finally get out of the car, Kimhan is waiting for him at the back of the car, his body leaning on the closed door, he puts his hand on his shoulders and he can see the apology in his eyes.

“I know I promised that we wouldn’t do this again but please one last time.”

And that’s when Porchay understands two things.

The first one is that they are not here to eat. Someone is waiting sitting at a table on the rooftop of the building for Kimhan but what they’re going to get is Porchay, informing them that whatever relationship they have is over.

The second thing he understands is that the little crush he thought he had buried long ago is very much alive and has grown out of his control because his heart breaks after realizing the situation and he feels sick to his stomach.

But Porchay nods, because it’s his job – not breaking up with every guy or girl that his boss takes on interest enough to spend time with them – but to make things easier for him. And again, it’s his fault, for never setting boundaries, for always seeking a satisfied look in his boss’ eyes directed to him.

So he walks in and gets in the elevator. The faster he does this, the quicker it ends.

He gives Kimhan’s name to the hostess when he finally reaches the rooftop and she takes him to a table where a young lady is already waiting. Porchay doesn’t put much attention to her, he just sits down in front of her and waits to be noticed, which takes just a couple of seconds and she slowly loses her smile.

She looks behind Porchay as if she’s waiting for Kimhan to appear behind but when she realizes that’s not happening, she starts to understand what’s about to happen.

“No,” she says, firmly.

“Mr. Theerapanyakul is deeply sorry but he won’t be,” Porchay cannot continue with his overused and memorized script because he’s getting thrown a glass of wine in the face.

Well, that’s a first.

The next thing he hears is a loud chuckle, almost maniac.

“Listen to me,” Porchay closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, getting some of the wine inside his nose but keeping himself from coughing. “I know who you are.”

That’s when he opens his eyes.

Porchay has done this multiple times, more than could be ethical for his line of work or emotionally healthy for his boss but this is the first time someone has directly addressed him instead of screaming insults at Kimhan Theerapanyakul.

“We all know who you are,” she’s standing now, finger pointing in the middle of his chest, “the pathetic little secretary so lovesick with his boss that would do anything he asks,” she laughs at his face and Porchay’s entire world crumbles down.

‘What does she mean by everyone? Does she refer to Kimhan’s dating circle or even his social one?’

“Do you open your legs for him too? Is it worth all the humiliation of knowing you would never get another job in the business because every important figure knows who you are? The happy puppy that wails its tail only for his master. I’m surprised if his family doesn’t know by now, but you know what, I don’t give a fuck,” she licks the finger that slightly taints with the wine dripping down his shirt, she takes her purse and before she leaves, she turns to him one last time. “Oh, and tell your boss the Pekin deal is off.”

Somehow, Porchay understands. She’s hurt, she’s been played and dumped like it’s nothing and that’s sickening but he can’t process things right now, he can’t feel anything so he can’t stop himself to open his mouth.

“The Pekin deal is already signed,” he turns to her, “if you don’t want your father to pay double the amount of the investment plus the damage clause, I recommend you to keep still.”

The next thing he feels is a slap across the face and then she disappears through the door. And still, Porchay doesn’t feel a thing.

He stares at the view in front of him. Bangkok looks alive and busy, it’s only Tuesday but he can see the traffic building up as he feels the air in the stickiness of the dry wine all over his face. His hand reaches for a napkin but at the last second, he decides not to clean himself.

He feels dumb, stupid and so small.

‘Do the people at the company also think that? Does P’Kinn?’

He feels the tears roll down his face then. He tries not to think too much about the meaning behind petty words but one memory that he’s been trying so hard to erase surfaces all of the sudden.

It was a little over a year ago, one of Kimhan’s drunk nights when he had to go look out for him. He was particularly clingy that night, Porchay had to go into the backseat of the taxi with him because he wouldn’t stay still. And he should’ve known better. Kimhan was wasted when he leaned into his shoulder and breathed in his neck, his eyes were barely open when his hand grabbed his tight and his lips kissed his neck but Porchay didn’t know what to do because before he could push away, Kim was whispering things over his lips and then he was kissing him.

He remembers it well. Porchay doesn’t think he could forget, he has never been kissed like that, the way Kim grabbed his neck and picked him up to place him on his lap like he weighted nothing, the way he bit his lips to get them to open and how his entire body got covered in goosebumps when their tongues met.

Porchay wasn’t thinking, he was feeling everything he never thought he could feel all at once. Even when he didn’t want to admit it he had dreamt of something like that happening. But it was over way too soon when they arrived at Kimhan’s condo and Porchay woke up to reality.

The next day Kimhan arrived at work with a massive hangover and no memory of the night before. Until that moment, Porchay never felt so humiliated, so he decides to embrace it, to keep himself from forgetting ever again.

He takes the elevator and walks out of the place feeling the stare of people on him, but he ignores it and walks up to where Kimhan’s car is parked. He’s waiting for him in the exact position he left him and approaches him as soon as he sees him but he stops in his tracks when he gets a better look at him.

“Chay…,” he says under his breath, pulling out his handkerchief, trying to reach Porchay’s face but he steps back. “I’ll talk to her, this is way out of hand-,”

“You should apologize to her in person, Khun Kim,” Porchay says instead, his gaze lost somewhere behind Kimhan.

He nods and tries to reach him again, but Porchay steps back once again, “I will but she should apologize too.”

“I quit,” he burst out, and Kimhan freezes in place.

If he ends up calling her, is highly likely that she will say the same things she said to him and he has no more in him to bare the look in Kim’s face if that happens.

“What?” Kimhan finally says and this time, Porchay doesn’t move when he steps in front of him. “I know, okay? I’m sorry, this won’t ever happen again, I promise you.”

It’s curious, the strange look Kim has on his face right now, Porchay doesn’t think he has seen it before, it’s almost like he’s genuinely scared.

“I already left my resignation letter in HR this morning, I was going to inform you at the end of the week but I don’t think that would be necessary anymore.”

But the expression Kim has now on his face, Chay knows very well, he is angry.

“This is not funny.”

“And I’m not joking.” He steps back then and bows, “I’ll be cleaning my desk by the end of the day. Thanks for everything so far, Mr. Theerapanyakul.”

He turns his back and leaves the parking lot with Kimhan calling his name. He takes a cab to the office and lets everyone see him covered in wine as he walks to the elevator and then to his desk for the shirt he always keeps around for any kind of emergency. Until now, he has never had to use it.

When Kim arrives he finds him all clean up, with his hair wet answering calls and taking notes, his things are already packed in a box next to the computer screen. So he just walks to his office and shuts the door loud enough for the entire hallway to hear.

*

The proposal goes well. Not that it could’ve go any other way.

Porchay was waiting for them, hidden between some trees that P’Kinn pointed out hours before. After the kisses and the happy tears, he jumps out to hug his brother and his soon-to-be brother-in-law. He refuses to stay for dinner and decides to hit the club instead. Since he took the job three years ago he hasn’t been able to get properly wasted just in case Kimhan Theerapanyakul would need him, but now there’s no Kim, no job, no social or love life at all.

And Porchay feels like shit. So he drinks and dances, and he may or may not have made out with a stranger. The night fades out in a blur after the fifth tequila shot.

That’s the main reason why he’s late to family brunch the next day. Thirty-four minutes and his phone hasn’t stopped ringing, either P’Kinn or his brother calling him every two minutes, asking if he’s near the place, if he needs someone to pick him up or if he’s lost. The hangover he’s milking it’s already killing him by the time he arrives to the fancy restaurant and he spots the table where his brother waving at him, so he runs to him.

He feels like throwing up and he was barely conscious when he took the five-minute shower but he hides it behind a smile and sits next to his hia.

“Sorry, I got drunk last night,” he whispers, his cheeks heating up and making Tankhun laugh at the corner of the table.

“Chay?”

And the thing is, Porchay turns dumb when he’s not working. He needs a routine, and a sense of continuity to keep his brain on track so he won’t forget things. It has happened since the beginning of time, it happened every vacation or time off between school years or university semesters, it happened if he had too much free time in his hands, and very recently, after he quit.

He had a plan about how this brunch will go. His brother and he would arrive together – he already met Tankhun a couple of times in the last few years so there wouldn’t be a problem with that –, knowing Kimhan, he would be late, so he would’ve had time to explain the situation before he could get there. But Porchay got drunk, overslept, and completely forgot about the man sitting in front of him with widened eyes and the most confused face he has ever seen in his 24 years of life.

The sunlight hitting him right in the eyes doesn’t help, and neither does the food coming to the table from all sides. Porchay can just open his mouth while his mushy brain tries to organize thoughts and ideas or even remember the things he was supposed to say to explain how he suddenly became Porsche’s brother to Kimhan and explain to his brother why he never told his boss about his identity or even his entire name.

He didn’t expect things to turn out the way they did. He was going to quit on Friday after having a long conversation with Kim explaining how he ended up working for him and how he couldn’t leave his side just yet. He planned on saying that at the time he feared Kimhan to hate his brother so he told him his name was Chay, just Chay. He was even going to confess the little crush he had but everything changed and Porchay just couldn’t think straight.

He was afraid he would taint the Theerapanyakul name more than he already has. He was terrified his brother would hear the rumors and all the work he did in the last few years he spent at Kimhan’s side would have been for nothing. But at the same time, even when he feels terribly sorry, he also feels used. He always knew that Kim is not a good boss but he thought that he was good enough for Chay.

That also was a lie, one that he told himself because he developed feelings for his boss that he’s been denying for way too long until he couldn’t bare it anymore until it exploded in a form of a glass of wine thrown at his face. Kim was never good to him, he made him work extra hours and had him do errands that had nothing to do with the company, he ruined any possibility of his personal life and he never said thanks, he wouldn’t recognize his performance if someone didn’t do it first.    

And he only realized that when he arrived home last Tuesday. After he took a warm bath, changed into his pajamas, cried until his throat was sore, and ran out of ice cream so he went to the store for more but returned with three different bottles of wine. Because it hurt him, not much that Kimhan didn’t appreciate or even value him as an employee or what people said or thought about him, it hurt him that even with all that, Porchay Kittisawasd fell in love with him, he has been for at least the last two years and now he has to live a life wishing no one else finds out.

But apparently, he is not good at hiding it.

“What are you doing here?” Kimhan says once again when Porchay doesn’t answer and now, everyone is paying attention to them.

“What do you mean?” Porsche laughs and Chay is still a little hangover because he can’t reach his brother before he speaks again. “He’s my little brother, of course, he has to be here.”

His hia’s hand messing up his hair feels like a phantom touch. Kimhan’s gaze burns his skin but he can’t move, he just sits there, looking at the youngest Theerapanyakul slowly losing his mind as his eyes keep going from Porsche to Chay for over twenty seconds. The disbelief in his eyes turns into anger.

“Did you place him in my office to spy on me?” he whispers looking at Kinn but his voice is deep and sharp.

Porchay knows that the whole brunch has been ruined. He wants to cry.

“Spy?” Kinn frowns and then turns to Porchay, “you didn’t talk to him?”

Chay opens his mouth, but then again, words are not coming to him.

“Do you think I would let Kinn use my brother to spy on you?” but Porsche has words, he never runs out of them.

He has been working hard trying to prove to his brother that he doesn’t need to worry about him, that he can go on and live the life he deserves because Porchay is old enough to take care of himself, to fight his own battles and to make a living to support himself. But that’s a lie, that is a big joke.

“What happened in the parking lot was also a little number of yours?” he asks now, looking at him from across the table, finger pointed at his chest but before Porsche could take his hand off, Porchay stops him. “You’ve been lying to me this whole time?”

Porchay shakes his head and feels the tears fill his eyes. This shouldn’t be happening, not the day after his brother got engaged to the love of his life.

“What the heck is happening right now?” Tankhun’s voice sounds far away and everything turns into slow motion when Kim grabs his collar and the rest of the Theerapanyakul stand up alongside his hia.

“May I assume he knows everything, then?” Kimhan asks him directly at his face. “About the bar?” he laughs and his tears finally roll down his face, “does he also know about the backseat of the taxi?”

That is what brings Porchay to reality. He stands up and slams the table, breaking the plate under his hand but his eyes never leave Kimhan’s trying to find the closest thing to the truth. But it is right there, he has always remembered it, it just wasn’t worth enough to be brought up or even called it a mistake.

He looks around and sees the restaurant empty except for them.

“I’m sorry, Hia. I’m not feeling good,” he smiles at him and Porsche is too taken back to stop his brother from leaving.

But he hears steps rushing to him and a hand wrapped around his wrist that pulls him into a corner.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Kimhan is furious but he can’t do this right now, Porchay feels like throwing up.

“Let me go,” he tries to pull his hand out but the skin of his palm touches his fingers and he winces.

“Not until you talk,” his grip thighs up and it hurts him.

“I was supposed to be in the company for eight months for my university-required internship,” he starts, looking at his hand and seeing the blood coming out of the open wound.

He can be really dumb.

“But?” Kimhan pulls him in, bringing him closer and Chay just wants to disappear, his head is killing him and he wonders why his brother hasn’t come out looking for him.

“Your secretary quit before the gala and they made me go with you but that night you said you hated my brother so I decided to keep quiet until the end of the evening but the next day I was informed that I would be working in your office for the time I had left.”

“Then why did you stay?” there’s harshness in his voice but also something more behind it, his gaze softens up but Porchay wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“I just couldn’t leave you alone in a place you hated so much,” he looks at him then, with rosy cheeks and red eyes. “You’re hurting me, P’Kim, let me go.”

Maybe is his shivering voice, the broken look in his eyes, the fact that this is the first time Chay calls him phi, or the blood that reaches his fingers but Kimhan drops his hand and holds his breath at the image in front of him.

He has seen Chay tired, stressed, irritated, and even mad, but he has never seen him crying and hurt and fragile. He looks so young out of the sudden, so soft, and delicate.

“You’re bleeding,” Kimhan whispers trying to reach him again but he holds his hand to his chest.

“If you have any kind of respect or appreciation for what I’ve done for you these years,” he says, fighting his own voice as he steps back, “you won’t talk about what happened at the back of the taxi.”

He walks to the door, leaving Kimhan to stare at the two drops of blood on his hand.

*

Porchay finds himself standing in front of the Theerapanyakul Enterprise building one more time. He left his hia sleeping in his old room after he refused to leave their childhood house until Porchay explained everything and he had to, leaving aside the little crush he has on Kimhan. So he woke up this morning the same way he has for the last couple of years, took the same bus one last time, and walked in.

He hears the little squeal when the receptionists see him. They run out of their desk to him.

“You’re back! Thank God!” they said with the biggest smiles on their faces, but he shakes his head.

“I’m here to see Khun Kinn, I’m sorry phi.”

He smiles at them as he bows with both hands in front of his lips as he walks to the elevator and sees the disappointment on their faces.

Being at the company like this feels strange. He knows every corner of the place but today he feels like an outsider like he shouldn’t be here, like his time already ran out. His throat dries up when the elevator passes Kim’s office floor to go up two more numbers, to the CEO's office.

P’Big is waiting for him when the door opens to walk him to Kinn’s office. Porchay can’t help a chuckle. Just a week ago they had the same job with the same obligations, besides the fact that P’Big is also Kinn’s bodyguard and driver because he can’t seem to trust too many people around.

“Why so serious, phi?” Chay asks as they walk through the hallway.

Big smiles then, shaking his head and moving his body to throw away the stiffness of moments ago.

“This place is a mess,” he says looking into his eyes. “Khun Kim has been unbearable since you left,” Chay’s smile flickers and he looks at the file he’s holding, “but I know you’re not back, kid.”

Porchay nods, still looking down.

“Is that for Khun Kinn?”

“I’ll try to fix one last thing before I go.” He says holding the big file next to his face and Big laughs when they reach the big wooden doors.

He knocks twice and Kinn’s voice tells him to come in seconds later. Big opens the door for him and Chay walks in.

“I have to say,” Kinn looks up to him, leaving the documents he was looking at moments prior at the side, “your call surprised me this morning.”

“Good morning, P’Kinn,” Porchay smiles at him as he sits in the chair in front of his desk.

“What was it that you wanted to talk to me?” he rests his elbows on the desk and intertwines his fingers.

“I know I have no right to say this, but I think it’s time you let go of Khun Kim, phi.”

His eyes are fierce, just like every feature of his face, sharp and determined. He has a huge binder on his lap and he’s sited perfectly still almost as if he’s presenting a business idea. Kinn rises an eyebrow, curious over anything. Porchay places the binder on his desk, gently, and sits back waiting for him to open it.

The first chapter consists of pages and pages of the company’s performance over the last five years and a half since Kimhan took the COO position. The increase in sales and the stability on the market thanks to him. The second separator shows a bunch of news articles and magazine columns talking about Kim, his role in Theerapanyakul Enterprise, and compliments about his looks.

“What is this?”

“I think Khun Kim has paid his debt,” Porchay says, hands over his knees, the confidence in his voice flickers just a little, “he has cleaned his image and is no longer a risk to the Theerapanyakul name.”

Chay leans over the desk and moves forward some pages.

The third chapter, the last three years.

“He doesn’t get into fights and the paparazzi don’t catch him getting out of places drunk anymore, I’ve made sure of it.”

“You have,” Kinn says, nodding, but what he wants to say is thank you.

“He’s also nicer with people around him, and he has already accomplished this year's mark, and is only October.” He points in the binder and Kinn feels like he’s at the end of the year meeting.

“What are you trying to say, Chay?” Kinn finally asks, fighting the smile growing on his face.

“Are you happy, P’Kinn?” he asks instead and that takes him by surprise.

“I am,” he smiles, “incredibly happy.”

“Don’t you think it’s only fair Khun Kim gets to be happy too?”

Kinn’s smile slowly fades away and is replaced with a lump in his throat. He thought Kim had finally gotten used to it, working for the family, closing deals, and taking business trips. It’s what they do, except for Tankhun, they were raised for it. So when he finally saw him smiling in a meeting or excited at the end of the day he thought that the hatred he felt going to work every day had ended.

But now he sees it, the reason he smiled, why he was so excited to come to work is standing right in front of him, asking for his little brother's freedom.

‘Oh, damn. Porsche is going to be pissed.’

*

Kimhan remembers going back to an angry Porsche, a hysterical Tankhun, and a demanding Kinn. He remembers sitting down while everyone yelled and move around until Porsche finally ran out after his brother and Tankhun sat next to him asking for an explanation. After escaping them and turning his phone off, he went to his apartment and sat down on his favorite chair with a guitar in his hand with Chay’s teary eyes in his mind.

He barely wakes up on Monday after deciding to empty what he had left in his whiskey bottle that he opened with Kinn the night of his last birthday. He takes a shower, puts on whatever suit he has clean, and goes to the lobby of his condo where the new driver is waiting for him. His mouth has a bad taste when he tries to speak, even when he brushed his teeth twice and put on enough perfume to keep people away from him. Kimhan looks for the pair of sunglasses he always leaves in the car and when he finally finds them, he puts them on.

It’s almost 10 in the morning when he arrives at the building. He walks into the lobby with his hands in his pockets and ignores the gossip happening behind him. The first thing he sees when he walks into his office is his empty desk. No coffee, no aspirins nor water, no gentle knock on the door asking him if he’s okay with a recriminating look on the face. He needs to go to the bathroom to wash his face or throw up, whatever comes first.

But instead of using the bathroom in his office, he decides to walk to the public restroom, and that’s when he hears his name.

“Did you see Chay this morning?”

Two girls are walking in front of him, completely unaware of his presence. When Kimhan heard his name, he almost stopped in his tracks but he decided to walk closer.

“I heard from the phis in the lobby about him but I didn’t believe it until I bumped into him in the elevator.”

“Chay is here?”

They jump when they hear Kim’s voice so close but he doesn’t even mind, he dismisses the greeting when they recognize him and asks again.

“Um, he went to Khun Kinn’s office but…”

He doesn’t stay for the rest, even when they keep calling his name. He runs to the elevator and presses the button but it’s taking way too long for the doors to open so he runs to the emergency stairs. It’s only two floors and the hangover has suddenly disappeared so his feet are moving faster and his heart is beating harder.

For the first time in five years, Kim takes Big by surprise. He sees him pass in the hallway like a blur opening the office’s door before Big could stop him. His breathing is heavy when he stares at his brother, extended arms keeping the door open and Big behind him, trying to take him by the waist.

“So, you finally arrived,” Kinn says with that diplomatic tone of his. “Big, please bring him a glass of water.”

Big nods and closes the door behind Kimhan once he enters the room. He’s looking around, trying to find a slim boy with starry eyes.

“I could say you missed him by a thread but he left two hours ago.” Kinn chuckles and the headache hits him back, stronger than ever.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kim answers trying to sound indifferent and failing. “I came here to apologize about yesterday. I overreacted and it was out of place, I’m sorry for ruining your celebration.”

He sits down in front of his brother, looking at his sides just in case someone was hiding in the office.

“You already said that yesterday.”

“Still.”

There are two knocks at the door and then Big appears with a full glass of water and places it in front of Kimhan, he gulps it down as fast as he can and stands up when he finishes it.

“Well, it was lovely to see you, I’ll go on with my day.”

“Kim,” Kinn stops him, taking a huge binder from one of his drawers and walking around his desk to stand in front of him, he stares at him for what seems to be minutes but it couldn’t be more than a couple of seconds, “you’re fired.”

He would be lying if he says he hasn’t dreamt about this moment. He’s dreamt of Kinn growing tired of him and kicking him out of the company, and he has tried to make it a reality, numerous times, but Kinn has always laughed at his attempts. But now he’s standing in front of him, handing him a binder, firing him.

“What?” he doesn’t mean it to come out that frightened but it does, almost out of breath.

“You have a month to put things in order,” Kinn says when Kimhan finally takes the binder. “I already talked to Vegas, Porchay is right, he’s a Theerapanyakul and the head of his family, he shouldn’t be managing mere branches.”

“I don’t understand.” Kim finally says, giving up.

“Read the binder,” his brother points it with his finger before going back to his chair and Kimhan slowly moves towards the door. “And Kim?” he says, gaining his attention one more time, “Big has been working for me for over ten years, I trust him with my life and I consider him a friend.”

“Okay?” Kimhan replies, even more, confused than a minute ago.

“But Big doesn’t know when I’m feeling stiffy or the reason I get mad, he doesn’t know when I’m upset or when I need a moment to myself,” he takes another thing from his drawer and throws the little bottle at Kim. “Do you know who knows those things?”

Kimhan shakes his hands and looks at the little bottle his brother threw at him. Aspirins.

“Porsche.”

*

It’s past lunchtime when Porchay gets the call.

He’s been helping his hia with the wedding organization besides finally taking a place in their company so he’s been quite busy these last two weeks, getting calls now and then so he answers the phone out of habit, without checking the ID call.

“Chay, where do you keep the emergency tie?” Kimhan’s voice comes out rushed and he can hear movement on the other side of the line.

Porchay almost drops his phone. He pulls it away to check the name on his screen just in case he has started to hallucinate, but no, ‘KHUN KIMHAN’ reads clear in the white letters. And he can still hear him calling his name in the distance so he puts the phone to his ear.

“Um,” he says doubly, “second drawer to your right.”

He hears movement again and then silence.

“There’s nothing here,” Kimhan confused tone makes him smile, so he bites the smile off, closing his eyes.

“There’s a little button in the walls,” Porchay starts biting his nails waiting for the clicking sound to arrive.

“Oh,” it’s almost like a kid discovering something simple yet fascinating, “what is this?”

“It’s a secret compartment,” Porchay explains and tries really hard not to laugh in endearment.

“Why do you keep them here?” he asks and he still sounds like a kid.

“So they don’t wrinkle.”

And that’s when he laughs, loud and clear as if Porchay has said the funniest thing on earth and his chest grows warm.

“Okay,” he chuckles taking a deep breath, “how do I put this thing on?”

“I’ve talked you through it enough times already.”

‘What even is he doing? Smiling at his phone like an idiot in some coffee shop near his brother’s office with the laptop opened in front of him with a hundred things to do?’

“Forget it, I’ll go out so you can do it for me.”

The fantasy ends, with the sound of the door handle and Kim’s steps out of his office. Porchay doesn’t know what he’s looking at right now, he doesn’t know if his old desk is empty or if there’s someone new sited in his chair but he knows Kimhan’s holding his breath, probably feeling embarrassed and a little disoriented.

“I guess you’ve been having a pretty busy day, P’Kim,” Porchay says, softly.

Kimhan clears his throat and the sound of his door closing gets to Chay.

“Yeah, meetings all week.” He sounds distant now like he just remembered the situation.

“Well,” Porchay smiles again, “I’ll let you get to it.”

“Wait!” Kimhan calls and Chay stops for a second. “I’m sorry, I forgot.”

“I can tell,” he nods, laughing.

“Are you taking time off? Did I wake you?” he asks and for some reason, his voice feels warm.

Kimhan has never made questions like this before, he hasn’t shown interest in Chay’s personal life, so this tone and these questions feel so strange that send a shiver down Porchay’s spine.

“Um, no.” He laughs it off but it doesn’t help, the other end of the line is silence, waiting for his answer, “I’ve been pretty busy myself.”

Porchay doesn’t understand what’s going on. If he recalls, the last time he saw Kimhan, he was pathetically crying, begging him to let him go so he could save some face. At what point did the situation turn comfortable enough for them to catch up like this? Why is Porchay always the one to give in for Kim to be at ease?

“That’s good I guess.” He sounds curious, but before he could ask another question, Porchay cuts him off.

“I have to go, P’Kim.” He says even when he doesn’t want to. “Good luck with your meeting.”

He doesn’t wait for him to reply, he just ends the call and stares at his black screen until his head starts to hurt.

*

Kim had planned this moment before. Multiple times and the plans changed over the years. The scenario would be different over time, when he was 22 he imagined himself signing a record label with that one manager who contacted him, when he turned 24, he imagined going to some club with his college friends and maybe a getaway weekend in some beach, but for the last three years, he imagined Chay next to him after a very tiring day of work having a drink together for the first time.

Instead, he’s in this fancy bar alone, surrounded by snob heads from all the clubs Kimhan tried to avoid his entire life. He sighs and takes another sip of the whiskey that’s getting warmer in his hand.

How did he end up here?

He should be thrilled. He finally has the one thing he wanted the most, what he thought he could never get in this lifetime. He is free. Today was his last day of work, he handed over his office to Vegas just a couple of hours ago and the person who made it possible is not by his side, he’s sitting alone unable to get drunk because everything tastes bad now.

The slim lights over his head start to give him a headache so he decides to finish his drink and go back to his apartment, maybe call Chay to thank him or just say sorry.

“Look who’s here.”

It takes him a couple of seconds to know the person beside him refers to him when Kimhan finally turns to face them and when he sees her, he wishes he went home earlier.

But you can’t run from your problems forever, can you?

“Pearl,” he smiles, gulping the rest of the drink. “Fancy seeing you here.”

She scoffs and crosses her arms. Understandable. Kimhan is in fact, an asshole.

“Listen,” he tries again, “I wanted to apologize for what happened, it shouldn’t have ended like that.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” She looks behind him, trying to find something, “how’s that little assistant of yours? Is he around or is he picking you up?”

This has been happening since Chay left. People ask him about him, looking for him when Kimhan enters the room even wanting to talk directly to him before trying to explain anything to Kim, and every time he wants to smack himself in the face. He knew Chay was important in his daily life, he knew he needed him to be able to perform well in the office but he didn’t realize the place he made for himself in his life, how he woke up every day thinking about being greet by Chay as he entered the office or thinking what to eat for lunch with him.

But Chay never accompanied him in places like this. He tried to keep him from seeing this side of him but he ended up calling him drunk always, even when he wasn’t that drunk, maybe he just wanted to see his face before going to sleep, maybe he was too dense to allow himself thinking about it and now everything reminds him of him but he cannot longer call.

“No, erm,” he coughs in his fist, looking down, “he is no longer working for me.”

What he doesn’t expect is the burst of laughter that comes from the girl he slept with a couple of times and now regrets deeply.

“You got to be kidding me,” she laughs, “What? You got tired of him?” Kim frowns not quite understanding what she’s referring to. “And that little shit stood in front of me all high and mighty.”

The next thing he knows she’s dragging him to one of the private booths where all of Kimhan’s old university classmates and club members were. They celebrate when they see him as if he ever talks to them. Hand pat his back and a new glass of whiskey lands on his hand.

“You won’t believe this,” Pearl says, intertwining her arm with Kim’s. “He fired his secretary.”

Kimhan doesn’t understand the reaction, the way they all laugh and yell as if their favorite football team just scored, and if all the attention wasn’t on him a minute ago, it clearly is now.

“You let him go?” one of the sons of the oldest business partner his father has says. “Well, it’s about time, isn’t it? Only a Theerapanyakul could get away with all the little things the boy had to do.”

“You think I can have him now?” someone beside him says and Kim’s heart rate starts to increase, “I’ve always wanted a taste.”

“How is he, Kimhan?” An arm falls on his shoulders and a loud raspy voice laughs in his ear, “We know Pearl here ain’t shit,” they all laugh, and Pearl gasps, “but he looks sweet.”

Kimhan looks around the table, they all have the same look of mockery and hunger on their faces and even when he’s not drunk he can feel time slowing down, sounds fading away and the tip of his fingers itching. He is not thinking when the first punch lands on the face of the guy who last spoke, after that, its mayhem.

They’re in shock so Kimhan manages to beat the asses of the first three closest to him before they start to defend themselves and then, try to stop him. Kimhan Theerapanyakul has never needed a bodyguard, and he hasn’t gotten himself into a fight for years now but the sound of his beating heart is louder than his conscience and his hands are acting up on its own.

He doesn’t feel the punches on his face or taste the blood in his mouth but he feels his hand dragging necks to tables and his knees hitting stomachs, and when he starts running out of air and the places is filled with screams, he jumps the bar and grabs the best bottle of champagne he could find and turns to look at the bartender.

“Put it on my tap,” he pulls out the last business card he was holding onto as a last memory and gives it to the man who looks at him in fear.

*

It’s quite late when Porchay starts to walk home. He was ready to go to sleep when a midnight snack craves attacked him out of nowhere so he pulled on his slippers and walked to the noodle place near his house. He’s humming the song that was playing in the restaurant when he sees a silhouette in the distance, standing in front of the white gate of his home, looking at the house.

He starts to get closer, squinting his eyes to get a better look at him and he freezes when he’s close enough to recognize the back of the black suit.

“P’Kim?” he says under his breath and he turns around, Porchay drops the plastic back containing his food. “P’Kim?!”

He runs to him and if it wasn’t for the blood on his face, the smile he’s wearing right now would be sweet.

“Chay,” he whispers and Porchay feels a growing fire in the middle of his chest starting to suffocate him.

“What happened?” he asks. His hand's mere centimeters over his face, not daring to even touch him. “Did you get into a fight?”

“Mhm,” he hums. Kimhan takes Chay’s hand, places it over his swallowed cheek, and closes his eyes. “Sorry.”

“What did you do?” Porchay whispers.

It’s a quiet night, there are no cars passing through his neighborhood, the full moon hangs proudly over their heads and Kimhan Theerapanyakul looks out of place with his fancy black suit and that bottle hanging from his bloody knuckles waiting for him to arrive in front of the entrance of his home.

Is Chay dreaming? Did he finally lose it? Or is Kim in trouble?

“I burnt some bridges tonight,” he laughs but Chay has the feeling that this is not a laughing matter. “But I’m here to celebrate!”

He lifts up the bottle of champagne and Porchay wants to smack that beautiful and already hurt face.

“Celebrate what?!” Porchay whisper-yells, “the fact that you got your face turned apart?”

Kimhan pouts and Porchay has to remind himself to be mad but it’s difficult with his hand still on his cheek and the way Kim keeps getting closer until their chests are touching and he whispers in his ear.

“Today was my last day of work,” he says and he doesn’t sound drunk at all.

“What? Really?” he can’t stop the smile on his face or the way he jumps into his arms.

He doesn’t have time to regret it because Kim wraps his arms around him the second Chay’s arms fall onto his shoulders. Porchay tries not to think about the way he’s feeling, about the warmth of the hug, or how they seem to perfectly fit. It’s all in his head and these thoughts have already caused enough damage, so he steps back after breathing him in for a little longer but Kim doesn’t let him go, he pulls him even closer and hides his nose in the crook of his neck.

“I’ve missed you,” he breathes out and Porchay feels it in his entire body.

“You’re drunk,” he says trying to pull him away.

“No.” It’s the only thing he answers before his lips touch Chay’s skin.

Porchay squirms away out of pure reaction, hitting him in the chin on his way out.

“Sorry,” he says before grabbing his wrist, “let’s patch you up inside.”

Porchay opens the gate and lets him in. Kimhan lets himself get dragged inside the house, looking at the garden and the wooden table before taking his shoes off to walk into the living room. Chay drops his hand and disappears into a room, leaving Kim to wander around and place the bottle of champagne on the coffee table.

The first thing that catches his eyes is the vinyl player and the records next to it, he picks up a couple of them and nods, remembering one of the endless nights at the office where Chay would occasionally talk about his childhood, how his father would play old songs for him and his brother to dance around the house, for his mother to sing while cooking. Kimhan also realizes he never asked about his family or his brother.

He looks at the family pictures and even when his brain already knows Porsche and Chay are related, even when he has seen them sat next to each other in front of his eyes, seeing the pictures of them together is still bizarre. But the resemblance is uncanny.

How didn’t he notice before?

“I have the answer to that, but you might get mad.”

Kim turns to his right where Porchay stands holding a first aid kit next to his face. He’s already in pajamas, a big t-shirt that seems to swallow him whole, and some flannel pants to match. Kimhan hopes his messed up face is enough distraction from the way he just swallowed at the view, he could eat him whole as well.

“Hit me,” he says, walking away from one particular photo where Porsche has his arm over a very young Porchay, “I’m a big boy, I can take it.”

“You’re self-centered.” He answers, no hesitation on his face, “you couldn’t see further from what’s in front of your nose.”

“Ouch.” He says following the youngest to the sofa, but before he could sit, Kimhan holds his arms. “What about some glasses for the champagne?”

Porchay rolls his eyes and Kimhan breaks a smile. He likes this side of him, the real one.

“Later,” he lies but Kim is not having it.

“It will hurt less with some bubbles.”

Porchay knows well enough that there’s no point fighting the smirk on his face, Kimhan Theerapanyakul can be stubborn as a kid if he does not get what he wants when he wants it and he is not in the mood to indulge more whining so he goes back into the kitchen a picks up two glasses of champagne.

He would be lying if he says he wasn’t eyeing the bottle the moment he saw it in Kim’s hands. He has tried it a couple of times in galas, some business meetings, and at his brother’s birthdays the last few years but he has never had to restrain himself on those occasions and he remembers loving it, so maybe now is his chance to enjoy it a bit more in his farewell to Kimhan, his stupid first secret love, so they can move on from this dumb boss-employee dynamic they seem stuck in and try to act like some kind of brothers in law.

Kimhan takes the glasses of his hand and pours them both a drink, a very full one, and gives one to Porchay.

“Let’s toast,” he says and Chay wants to laugh, this man has dried blood all over his face, neck, hands, and shirt but still manages to look unbothered. “To freedom and new beginnings.”

Chay clicks their glasses and repeats Kim’s cheesy line before taking a sip but he holds the bottom of the glass and slowly starts rising it, making him drink the whole glass in one gulp. Kimhan takes the glass and pours him another but Porchay takes his arms and drags him down with him to sit on the sofa.

“Slow down, you’re not getting drunk in my house.”

Kimhan nods, taking just a sip of the drink now. Porchay smiles and takes the first aid kit from the coffee table and brings it to his lap. He takes some cotton patches and pours some analgesic alcohol to clean the wound and the dried blood. Kim takes a sip of champagne from time to time and holds Chay’s glass to his lips so he can do the same.

Porchay does this thing when he’s focused, he would slightly open his mouth when he gets near something to have a better look at it, he used to do it with documents, with his iPad, and even with food, and every time, Kimhan would stare at those lips especially now when the subject of focus was his face. He slowly lets his hand fall onto Chay’s waist the closest he gets and his lips tremble when he feels how tiny it feels.

“Now I’m starting to get worried,” Chay whispers, not even noticing Kim’s touch, “this is not your blood, who did you fight with?”

He takes the healing ointment and gently applies it over Kimhan’s parted eyebrow, his right cheek, and the corner of his lips. Kim closes his eyes to stop him to do something that could ruin the entire moment now and drinks the rest of the glass.

“Some old classmates I ran into the bar.”

Porchay takes his hand and does the process, cleaning, putting ointment on, and gently blowing over the abused skin to then vending it. Kim can’t take his eyes off him and remembering tonight makes his blood boil all over again. He closes his eyes to try to shut the laughs off but their faces keep appearing when he does so he looks at Chay instead, he looks at his profile and his soft features and he wants to touch.

“What?” he says confused, “I know you don’t like them but you have never had any kind of disagreement with them.”

“Well I had one tonight,” Kimhan avoids his eyes, and that only sparks Chay’s curiosity even more. “They were talking shit and I got hot-headed, you don’t have to worry about it I’ll take care of it, Pearl and those morons wouldn’t dare to do a thing.”

The moment that name left Kimhan’s lips, Chay dropped his hand and stood up.

“Pearl?” he asks and Kim can see the terror in his eyes, “what did she say?” he then shakes his head, regretting his words the moment he said them, “no, don’t tell me, you just have to call them and apologize.”

“What?” Kim slowly stands up in front of him but Chay is looking at the floor.

“You just have to tell them you’re sorry,” he says, speaking more to himself than the man in front of him with a concerned look on his face, “tell them you haven’t seen me since I quit. No! tell them you fired me.”

He’s nodding now and the words keep rushing out of his mouth, his pacing from one side of the room to the other and his hands move around, picking his clothes, his hair, and his nails. Kim can’t take the sight of it so he walks to him and holds his arms in his hands.

“What are you talking about, Porchay?” he asks and he’s upset but he tries not to show it in his voice, at least not to him, “did you know what they were saying?” he asks but he doesn’t want to know the answer.

“I’m sorry, P’Kim.” He finally says and when he looks up, his eyes are teary.

Kim wishes he has them in front of him one more time, he wouldn’t hold back. Instead, he takes Porchay’s chin in his between his fingers and holds his head high.

“You’re sorry?” he asks breaking his heart when he sees the tear roll down, “The only reason those fuckers say those things is because of me,” he explains with a broken smile on his face. “I’ve been fucking around for way too long and you got caught in the middle.”

He closes his eyes and rests his forehead in Porchay’s, he feels his hands on his chest and the trembling air over his lips.

“I am sorry,” he whispers and Porchay shakes his head, making him open his eyes.

“You shouldn’t let them say those things about you because of someone like me.”

Now is Kimhan who shakes his head, desperate to grab any bit of Chay so he grabs his hands and makes sure the younger one is looking into his eyes when he speaks.

“You’re a Kittisawasd,” he smiles, “they all are going to eat their words when they find out.”

“They will badmouth my brother,” he cries, “they will say we’re trying to get into the Theerapanyakul family and taint my brother’s wedding.”

“I won’t let that happen,” he promises, “Kinn won’t let that happen.”

“No,” he pleads and he looks like a lost kid, “I don’t want them to find out.”

“They won’t,” Kim assures him, kissing his hands, “I’ll take care of it.”

There’s silence coming after that. Only Chay’s soft whimpers and Kimhan’s heavy breathing were heard. Something in the air changes as well, it gets thicker, and hotter, as if one wrong move could make the room explode.

“What are you doing, P’Kim?” Porchay finally asks when he sees his hands in Kim’s.

“Holding back.” He says looking at his eyes and Porchay holds his breath.

This should not be happening. They’re tipsy and the situation got emotional out of the blue, Chay can still taste the sweetness of the champagne and can still feel the bubbles on his tongue. So he swallows it down and Kimhan's gaze follows the noise.

There was something in Kim’s eyes since the moment he arrived, something Chay has never seen before, at least not directed at him. His head must be spinning and the weight of the night must finally have reached him but he doesn’t look tired or confused, he looks decided. Like he just chose his next target.

And Porchay doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want to be a one-time thing, he doesn’t want to be a fling of the night, someone who gives in at the moment. But he can’t ask for more so he prefers to have nothing. He already had a taste of Kimhan a year ago and still haunts him to this day.

So he steps away from him, from his crystal eyes and his parted lips, from the warmth of his breath and the urgency of his touch.

“You should change your shirt,” he spits out, “I think Hia still has some clothes here, wait a minute.”

He runs upstairs, to calm his frenetic heartbeat and clear his mind without having Kim within his reach. Porchay goes to his old brother’s room before he moved out with P’Kinn. Everything is pretty much the same as he left it, not that Chay is waiting for him to come back but it gives him a sense of company when he’s alone in the house which is all the time.

He grabs the first t-shirt he sees and runs back down. When he gets to the living room he realizes what a bad idea this was.

Kimhan is standing facing the big glass door, shirtless. The endless extension of his back is on display for Porchay to see. Some bruises are forming on his lower back and if he wasn’t so concerned about thinking of a way out of this he would be treating those wounds. Porchay breathes in before mustering all the courage his body can gather and walks up to Kim, clear-headed with a stable heart.

It all goes out of the window when Kimhan turns around after he calls his name. Chay always knew that Kim looks good, all of him, every side of him, from head to toe, he knew. He felt it in his bones but having visual confirmation of it is overwhelming. His tan skin is even except for those freshly made bruises on his abdomen, his marked muscles beginning from his shoulders to the end of his hips all chiseled and craved like a Greek sculpture. Porchay wonders if his skin tastes like honey.

He shakes his head, scared of his own thoughts as he hands him the t-shirt way too fast, nailing a punch in the middle of his chest, making him bend out of the air.

“I’m sorry!” he yells, coming to him, ducking to see his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“I might need to sit down.” He extends his hands and Porchay takes them, helping him walk to the sofa.

Chay turns him around, making his back face him once more as he takes the ointment in his fingers and gently starts massaging the lower part of his back, making him shiver. His skin is hot to the touch but soft at the same time. Porchay’s gaze travel to every bit of bare skin he catches. He starts to get closer without even noticing until Kim turns his head back and their faces are mere centimeters away.

Porchay sits back, lowering his head ignoring the way every hair in his body went up, he’s not looking at Kim when he smiles biting his lips, turning his body for Chay to touch. Kimhan winces when the ointment touches his chest.

Chay’s cheeks are slowly blushing. He’s beginning to feel everything that he has been bottling up all these years, all at once. Kimhan is no longer listening to the alarms set off in his head or the tiny voice in his conscious begging him to stop, no when he has Chay’s face so close to him for the nth time this night, not when his fingers seem to have a life of its own as he lifts his chin and his thumb drags his lower lip down.

“P’Kim,” he whispers and it also sounds like a warning.

But he’s already diving in, taking his lips on his in one bite, hearing Chay’s whine of surprise as his tongue licks the entrance of his mouth. He’s been dreaming about this long before Chay became Porchay Kittisawasd before he quit and decided to walk out of his life, even before that night a year ago when Kim pretended to be drunk and made out with him in the back of a dirty cab. Kimhan has been wanting Chay since the first time his eyes laid on him but he’s been too busy denying, hiding behind strangers’ bodies and bottles of vodka.

He’s done hiding. He’s done running.

All he can taste; all he wants to taste is Porchay’s lips. All he wants to feel is the skin of his cheeks under his fingers and all he wants to hear is his little moans when their mouths grow a second apart.

“P’Kim,” he tries again, putting his hands over Kim’s bare chest.

“Mhm,” he replies, taking his lips on him one more time, putting his hand on Chay’s nape to hold him still.

“You’re confused,” he pants. “You don’t actually want to do this.”

Kim pulls apart then, looking at him like Porchay grew a second head.

“What are you talking about?” he doesn’t want to sound mad, but he does.

Porchay tries to catch his breath, his eyes are still close and he licks his lips, preparing for what he’s about to say.

“You’re confused by tonight,” he finally says, opening his eyes as a sad smile draws on his face. “About what your friends said-”

“They’re not my friends,” Kimhan states, mad with the mere idea of Porchay giving them even a thought.

“You feel responsible, but you’re not, you don’t have to do this.”

Kimhan wants to laugh but this is not funny nor is the look on Chay’s face or the tears that seems to be filling his eyes as he speaks because his voice is breaking and now he’s avoiding looking at him. So he has to make this clear, he has to make him understand to get these stupid ideas off his head. Kimhan takes both of his hands in his and puts them over his lap, gaining his attention back.

“I’ve been wanting you since that night three years and two months ago when I saw you walk in with that black suit at the gala.” He starts off, looking directly into his eyes so there’s no room for doubt. “I was determined to take you home back then but you pulled out that stupid iPad and started talking business.”

“What?” he whispers, his eyebrows frowned.

“Since that day I’ve been ignoring the itching need to get closer to you, to touch, to kiss you.” His fingers linger over his jawline down to his neck and Kim closes his eyes. “But that night when you came to pick me up you looked so good in those leather pants, were you out?”

Porchay nods, fascinated by the way Kimhan talks. “I was out for the first time in six months with some friends, you pulled me out of the club when I was just starting to enjoy myself.”

“I’m glad,” he says and it doesn’t seem like he’s joking. “I bet everyone was looking at you, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”

“Why did you pretend it never happened, then?” he asks and Kim can see it in his face, he’s still hurt.

“I was scared of drifting you away.” He admits, to both Porchay and himself.

“That’s stupid,” he says and he’s mad.

“I know.”

“That’s dumb and you’re a coward.”

“I know and I am.” He sighs but he doesn’t let Porchay look away, even when he’s crossing his arms over his chest.

“But I am one too, so let’s end this here.” He stands up and Kim looks at him in horror.

“What?” he looks up at him but Chay is not looking in his direction.

He’s about to walk out when Kimhan grabs his wrist and stands up but Porchay turns around so he doesn’t have to face him when he talks.

“Our brothers are getting married, phi,” he explains as if he didn’t know already, “we can’t just try this out and hope for it to work when we’re going to be in each other’s lives forever.”

“You don’t understand, Chay,” Kim is desperate now because Porchay is not making any sense and he’s not losing his window, he’s been waiting long enough for this. “I need you.”

“That’s not true, P’Kim.”

“I don’t mean it in a sense of not being able of doing daily tasks without your help,” he laughs because there may be a little truth in that statement. “I mean in a way that I don’t want to go on another day without you by my side.”

He feels Porchay’s body tense up under his touch, and he feels the shiver roaming his limps, he can almost hear the surprised sigh he lets out but he decides to play dumb, he places his hands on his arms and slowly turns him around. When he finally has him in front of him, all rosy cheeks and unshed tears, he kisses him again, softly and gentle this time, both hands on his cheeks as he guides him to the couch and slowly makes him lay on it as Kim’s body gets on top of his.

He hears the way Chay’s breath gets caught in his throat, he feels the tremble of his lips when Kimhan starts kissing his cheeks and goes down his shoulders, licking and biting the crook of his neck, making him squirm under him. When Porchay lifts his knee and it rubs the inside of Kim’s tight he has to take a couple of seconds to breathe.

But it doesn’t take long for his lips to return to Chay’s skin, not when he keeps whining and his hands keep pulling his hair locks. Kim lifts Porchay’s shirt and the golden skin of his abdomen shows. No one says a thing when the older one’s lips start leaving wet traces all over his tummy but when Kimhan bits the curve of his waist, Porchay sits down, bumping Kim’s nose with his chest.

“I don’t want to sleep with you,” he exclaims, eyes wide open.

“Ouch,” Kim replies.

“I mean, not right now.” He rushes to explain, waving both hands in front of him.

“That’s okay baby, I wasn’t thinking of doing anything tonight.”

“That’s how you kiss when you’re not trying to sleep with someone?” Porchay says in utter shock and Kim laughs because he looks like a deer caught up between headlights.

“Let’s give this a try, Chay,” Kim asks reaching to hold one of his hands and he lets him. “We don’t have to rush things; we’ll take it at our own pace.”

Porchay looks at him with fear and apprehension as he bites the nail of his thumb. Kimhan feels like his heart is beating in his throat while seconds that feel like hours pass. Chay seems to think it over and over again before he smiles and nods, taking Kim’s face in his hands and pulling him closer to seal the deal with a kiss.

“Our own pace,” Chay reassures, leaning their foreheads together and closing his eyes.

Kimhan doesn’t think he has smiled this wide before or felt this tightness in his chest that seems to travel over his whole body. His fingers are numb and the only noise that can come out of his is laughter before he pulls Porchay onto his lap and kisses his face. And he’s laughing too and everything is too perfect to be true but he lets them have this moment, he can fix everything later, the stupid socialite he has to deal with and their brothers, the bar, and forgotten dreams. They’ll figure it out.

They can do it all.

Notes:

May write another oneshot for this

Find at twt as @saturnscoded

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of The needing, loving and living