Broken

by Mekhane

Summary:

His sun died, and the world around him fell to pieces.

Notes:

This may be triggering for some people. Be aware of that.

I can't believe that just a few days ago everything was completely fine.

That just a few days ago she was still with me.

...That now I will never be able to see her smile again.

I only joined the literature club because I wanted to meet a few girls. Maybe have an affair with one of the members and go on with my typical teenage life.

But how am I supposed to do that now, if because of my own selfishness I now have nothing to brighten my days?

Sayori.

She was the one who convinced me to join the literature club. She was only concerned about my well-being, and so she wanted to be able to take me to a place where we could hang out with friends.

But I selfishly ignored her.

Everything was as clear as day, but my damn vision was always clouded by the thickest fog due to my own stupidity.

The way she cared about me.

How she always had a big smile on her face to give me.

How chatting about our childhood seemed to brighten her day.

It was all there on a silver platter.

All of it.

And yet I was never able to realize what was really going on.

She just wanted to be able to spend a little more time with me.

She just wanted to make sure I could be happy.

She just wanted what was best for me.

So...

...

...

...

Why wasn't I able to do the same for her?

When she confessed to me that she had depression it was hard enough.

I felt I betrayed her as her best friend by never realizing the most obvious details.

And even with all that, I could never do anything for her.

All I did was crush her poor soul.

The look on her face when she saw me in such an intimate moment with Yuri said more than a thousand words.

An expression that outwardly showed only a smile, but inside hid a pain that I will never be able to understand.

Even despite what she witnessed, Sayori never did anything about it.

She was too pure to do that to her friends.

She just reached out to me, and opened her heart. Letting her words, charged with the purest emotion I've ever felt before, be the ones to communicate everything.

Sayori confessed to love me.

She poured all her thoughts into me, like an empty bowl being filled by the thickest, purest, sickly sweet, and hellishly sour liquid.

Because after all that was the way Sayori always felt, wasn't it?

Bittersweet.

Sweetness being provided by the beautiful and warm moments we shared together.

And the bitterness because of the damn rain cloud that had been accompanying her for a long time, soaking her days with the most acidic drizzle that could ever exist.

Maybe if I had decided differently, everything could have had a better ending.

Maybe if for once in my life I had listened to my heart, instead of my own damn foolishness and stupidity, everything could have been avoided.

But this is not a game where I can simply save and load whenever I please.

This is reality

This is my reality.

A reality that is now completely blackened by clouds as dark as coal. As if everything around me has burned to give way to the smoke that now surrounds my entire being.

Because that's how things are, isn't it?

I wasn't able to help her with her rain, so it's only fair that now I have to pay by being forced to breathe the smoke of the hell that I myself let spread.

And all because I wasn't able to make the one person in my life who really needed it happy.

All because selfishly, I decided to tell her that I wanted to remain her friend.

She just wanted a ray of light to penetrate her storm.

She just wanted the warm feeling of being able to feel, for once in her life, loved.

She just wanted to be with me.

And yet, I denied her all her hopes and dreams.

In doing so, I became her executioner. Dropping the guillotine that ended up severing her connection to this world.

Because that's what I practically did.

I was the one who killed Sayori.

By the time I realized what I had caused, it was too late.

Because she had already made a decision. A decision that, according to her, would make everyone happy.

And it did the contrary.

Entering her room was the most desperate moment I have ever had in my life.

Sayori's room was always a place that held a very special place in my heart.

Because it was there that we spent many good times in our childhood.

We played, we laughed, we cried, we talked, we grew up...

But that image will be tainted forever.

Because now instead of remembering the beautiful image of just the two of us enjoying each other's company without a care in the world, I will only be reminded of the day I failed miserably to help her.

Now I will only be reminded of Sayori's stiff, limp, cold body.

By hanging herself, she made the decision to leave absolutely everything in this world behind.

Her wishes.

Her dreams.

Her hopes.

Her happiness.

All of it.

Simply because I was not able to do anything.

Because I was not able to give her the joy and stability she needed so much.

Seeing her eyes so empty, judging me even when devoid of all life, was more than enough to let me know that I will never be able to overcome this.

I lost my best friend.

I lost the only person in this world who truly cared about me.

And all because of my own inability.

...

...

...

Who the fuck am I kidding, I was always capable of many things, wasn't I?

Walking her to school with her, talking to her, hanging out, trying to get her help, etc.

There were so many things I could have done, and instead I just decided to put the weight on my weak, wobbly shoulders.

And it is precisely because of that kind of stupidity that I now have nothing to brighten my days.

Since her smile is gone, each passing day gets more and more duller.

Since her voice is no longer heard, the sounds around me become more and more hollow.

Since her eyes lost their sparkle, the sky became the driest gray you'll ever find.

Everything lost color once she was gone.

I didn't even want to spend any more time with the other girls at the club. It wasn't worth it.

Because walking through those doors to find a room full of only three people was going to be a constant reminder of her absence.

...

...

...

And I'm sick of remembering.

I'm sick of not being able to find meaning in my life again.

I'm sick and tired of not being able to feel whole again.

I can no longer sleep without nightmares taking over my dreams, insistently reminding me of the many mistakes and failures I made.

I can no longer look in the mirror, knowing that the person in the reflection is the root of everything that happened. That that person could have done so much more, but only chose to watch from their damn tower as the world around him crumbled.

I can no longer close my eyes without seeing Sayori's empty, soulless gaze completely scarred on my eyelids.

Because that's what the memory of her is now.

A scar.

One so big and so deep, that it cuts its way through my skin, veins, flesh, and bones until it forms a very painful gash in my soul.

And I can't take it anymore.

I no longer want to have to remember the heaven I never cherished, and the hell that is my home now.

I don't want to have to remember the happiness that her smile brought me, and that now only brings pain and guilt.

That is why I have decided that I will not remember anything else.

That continuing to sail aimlessly in this twisted, grayish world is not worth it.

Not if I can't have my dawn light to guide my way.

...

...

...

I'm tired of everything.

Because I no longer have a world to live for.

My world was beautiful and happy, and yet I let it fall.

I let my world die as if the worst of the plagues had devoured every last resource.

That is why I have decided I don't want this anymore.

That I no longer want to feel.

That I don't want to think anymore.

...

...

...

...I just want to see her again…

…

…

…

Let the rope around my neck be the one deciding if that wish will be granted, or denied just like her happiness…

Notes:

This... It's a bit complicated to describe.

Since I started my main story, I've been writing little oneshots along the way. In fact it's one of those oneshots that helped me the most when it came to getting ideas for my main fic. And this oneshot is no exception.

To be honest, I've been wanting to write something like this for weeks. In which to carry out a bit more 'poetic' writing if you can call it that, I could be able to vent some of the crazy ideas I have in my head, and I think it worked in the end XD.

Anyway, if you liked it remember you can leave me Kudos and a comment with your opinion. I really appreciate it!

With nothing more to say, I'll take My leave.

Bye bye!