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entry #001: stardust
You were thinking of something, no, holding onto something when it happened.
Or is it? Were you?
You were about to utter some words from your mouth...but what happened?
Whatever you were about to do, it doesn't matter. Not anymore at least---because the moment you opened your eyes, a new scenery welcomed you.
"W-What?"
Ah, now you finally heard yourself 'talking'.
"What is going on? Where, where am I?" You asked naturally, scared of what's about to happen. Happening? Yes, that's most likely.
No one answered, as expected. Now that you've calmed down just a teeny tiny bit, like just a miniscule little, you finally noticed more of your surrounding.
Your eyes bathed at the scene, trembling.
If you were an old black-and-white cartoon character, there's only two things, scenarios, that can occur right this moment. Painting you in such a well 'in-character' ... err character.
One, your eyes will blow out out of their sockets, maybe even dividing into smaller similar pieces from the distance of their original placement. The outer most being the biggest. Then your jaw will fall unto the ground, opening a comically massive gate for your tongue to roll majestically like a red carpet for a prestigious night of awarding.
Or, number two, nothing much happens except your eyes will shrink into the tiniest pebbles they could be, leaving a space of dark sockets. The tiny drops of sweat from your forehead will be big and instead of sliding down to your face they will bounce from your skin and jump from it, like an alive animal wanting escape from its near death. You will hug yourself and tremble and shiver in fear, as from an angle your figure will diminish on its size while the world around you will stretch even wider---bigger, reminding you of just how really irrelevant you are.
So? which one will it be? Pick your poison, I guess.
'Doesn't matter'? Oh, well. Okay then, I forgot you can't hear me. But feel? You do feel or sense me, correct?
Now you're hyperventilating. You didn't even notice that you're not what you used to be. Oh, my bad, now you do and you're screaming.
"AHHH! AHHH! AHHHH!", you screamed like an annoying alarm clock that a mortal wants to bash when they don't want get out of the bed on a chill saturday morning.
Argh, can you please calm down? My ears are bleeding from all your screeching, you dumb strardust.
"AHHH! Who's there?"
But i didn't tell a knox--knock-knock joke...wait a minute, you can hear me?!
"What the hell? What the fuck?! What the hell is going on? What the fuck?!"
Welp, that's two 'what the fucks' right in there, pretty impressive I guess, I don't know, do humans exert dominance in how many curses they can vomit in one sentence?
"Who are---" Shush.
"What are--" Shush.
"Why am I--" Shush.
"Stop shushing me!"
Sorry, not really. It was kinda fun.
"Hah, I think I finally lost it."
Lost what?
"My sanity, you idiot!...and to think that I am still young, so much that i could've done", you whimpered to yourself while going to a fetal position, lying on the ground.
So dramatic.
"Shut up."
You really want the only one in this 'void' that's talking to you to shut up?
"I don't know. What else is there to it? I think I'm dead."
How sure are you?
"Like...90%?"
And the other 10%?
"Maybe I'm just high?"
High?
"Yeah because of drugs, you nitwit. To think that I might be really dead---"
You didn't even get to do drugs while still living...
"What?!"
What?
"H-How?! How could you do that? Did you just read my mind?"
Maybe I did? What makes you think of such thing?
"Stop horsing around! And no! Don't even say anything nonsense to rebutt!"
It's 'rebut' actually.
"Who cares? That doesn't even make sense!"
What doesn't make sense?
"You correcting my spelling? We're conversing, not on a spelling bee competition! Why did you even do that? Those words sound the same, what's your point?"
Hmm, point taken.
"Argh! But back to the topic! You can read my mind? Wait, are you...Are you God?"
You suddenly feel a looming sensation. When you looked up you saw thick dark clouds forming with matching lightning dancing inside of it.
"Oh snap."
Oh snap, indeed.
"Okay, I don't believe much on religion but if you are really God the I'm sorry for all the things that I've done, all the things that I said, all the--"
Calm yourself, child.
"Now you're talking like one! I'm so screwed", you cried.
I banished the dark clouds up above you only after letting some rain splash down to you for a few seconds. Ha, surely that will wash away your anxiety. Cue drums! Ba-dum, boom!
"What did I do to experience such a cosmic horror..."
Surely not enough to punished you with the real thing.
"I don't get it. Are you really God?"
I don't know, I might as well be, if you want to. Will such an idea bring you to a peace?
"Maybe?"
Then you can freely do so. You were gifted a mind, were you not? You have a consciousness of your own, so why beat yourself up of thinking of such thinking?
There's no right or wrong answer here. What only matters...is you.
I said as a matter-of-factly.
"Me?"
Yes.
If you could see me in a similar form, you would've see me enthusiastically nodding my head up and down.
Such a curious case. It's been a while since I last seen a lost soul.
"So I am dead...correct?", You asked, suddenly standing up from your once pathetic position.
Hmm, let's see.... a pair of beady eyes, a body that holds no warmth, oh! a form that I can describe as something of human's perception of a ghost-- but more starry and 'cool'. Yup, that checks it all out!
You are a soul of a once living person, kid!
I heard you laughed lightly.
"Sorry for laughing, I--ahaha--it's just, the way you said it? It makes me feel that I just won a large sum of money from a show on T.V.", you explained to me while wiping a couple of tears from your eyes.
There was a moment of pause until you spoke again.
"What happens now? Since I'm dead and you claimed to be God--"
You were the one to claim me as God.
"Right. But then, what happens next? Is this the part where I get to be delivered to heaven or uh, hell?", you asked gingerly, then gasped.
"Maybe this is the purgatory! You said I am a lost soul, didn't you? I heard that that place is the home for those who can not cross whether up or down there..." you finished while doing many gestures with your fingers. Pointing up, pointing down.
"Hey, are you still there? Please say something."
Hmm, what an organized way of 'leaving' for the mortals. Paradise, Purgatory, Hell.
I mused out of conscious.
Say, I asked you.
If you were given the chance to pick one of where to go from those three...what will it be?
"Why? If I give you my answer will you send me there? Or, maybe even if I picked something you will still send me to hell...and you were just giving me false hope all along."
Those are your thoughts, not mine. What made you think that you'll be sent to this place called hell?
"I don't know"
You don't know?
"Maybe I was a bad person before I came here. Maybe that's why I'm a 'lost soul'. What even is a lost soul? If a soul isn't lost will that mean that they found themselves in a better place? or wait, I get it, that down there place. Maybe I'm a lost cause that even God can't judge where I should go." you rambled, the waterworks about to start again.
There you are again being hard on yourself.
"I can't help it...G." you shrugged solemnly, head down cast.
G?
"Yeah, that'll be your nickname from now on...for me at least. Can I call you that? Can I call you my G?" you asked, now with more life in your eyes.
"Sure thing kid, I can be your 'G'." I confirmed making you chuckle. It appears that this new term for me can have a different meaning in the mortal human's realm. Whatever is it, I don't really need to worry about. I sensed no harm.
You don't know how much time have passed since you last spoke. It could be an eon or just a mere millisecond. But, when you found yourself speaking again these are the words that follows;
"I'm bored. Do you get bored my G?"
What a weird question. To answer that, yes and no.
"That just made me even more confused"
It's your fault for asking such trivial question.
"Yeah, in your case. Point taken. I forgot you're some powerful cosmic entity. Surely those things don't apply much to you as it does to the likes of me...a mere mortal"
Correct.
"Tsk. So what am I now? Your talking buddy?"
Huh? You're the one who keeps on talking to me.
"I do?"
Yes. As a matter of fact. I have so much more to do.
"Then what are you doing? Why are you still here?"
Who says I'm stationary? I'm doing lots of things on multiple times.
I said to you proudly.
"I really don't get you"
You don't have to.
"So, if you're capable of many things like a genie from a lamp... can you grant me a wish?"
Sure, what is your wish?
"Just like that?!"
Yes, do you want me to change my mind?
"No! But r-really? There's no catch? Do I have to go prepare myself for a gladiator battle? A competition? Of wits? or brains?!"
Sigh. Just say what you want kid.
Oh! But before that! ...
The ground where you are standing shaked, it felt like an earthquake you experienced when you were alive. The landscape of a dirty terrain turned into a sea of endless sand. Although the terrain changed, the color of scenery is still the same. Black and white. What a sad hue to live at.
Suddenly, a pair of massive hands sprouted from the ground where you are standing at-- cusping and holding you gently.
Something magical happens next. From the end of the hands started a continuation of a form, a heavenly, divine, err nothing from the words of the mortals can describe such form.
My form.
Which is actually just like you, but bigger.
"I don't know why you are so astound to see me? I just took your current form" I said to you soothingly, seeing that you are still...perplexed and not moving. Did I broke you?
"There are some limitations whenever I take a form in this plain. So, even if I want to, I can not give other colors to this what you call a boring world", I explained to you.
"You're- You're real..."
"Of course I am" I nodded, hoping that you'll feel more relaxed now that I am here.
"Sorry, it's just...I thought you were just a voice inside my head..." you answered with a tint of shame in your voice.
"Now, now, no need to be embarrassed. If I am on your shoes, I'll be skeptical too you know?" Even without a mouth, I know you can see the smile just from the look in my eyes.
"Or is this form not convincing enough? Do you want to see me as a human-eating giant? An ancient and mythical monster from someone's imagination ooh or maybe an angel? Which one though? The one from an old animated japanese show? Or, from sacred texts that you humans like to read on certain days?" I give you some choices while simultaneously changing my form from one to another.
"Please don't! I would just like you to stay as I am!"
I think I scared you there for a bit.
"What is your wish?" I asked.
"My wish is to—" Ready to give your answer, you were suddenly cut off by me. That was unintentional by the way.
"But before you wish!—" From my torso grew another pair of arms. I raised them up just above my head and clapped two times.
"Woah...can I do that?", You asked.
"No." I answered. "But looked down around you."
And you did. You were surprised to see what there is to see.
"There's so many of them!" You gasped, holding on to my fingers so you won't fall down. "Can I?..."
I put you down and you immediately went to say hello to another 'spirit'.
"They're just like me. I'm not alone anymore", you whispered to yourself.
But excitement turned into sadness immediately. When you touched them, your hands went through. A glitch of some sort happened from the place of contact.
"They're... they're not real..."
I'm sorry my child.
"No, don't say sorry. Why did you even showed me this?!" You looked around. "Wait, where are you! No please! Don't leave me! I'm sorry please! Don't leave! I'm scared, I don't want to be alone...", you cried helplessly.
Exerting my force in this plain can take a toll even on me. You said you were lonely so I tried to make you see that you're not alone.
"How can a mirage help me understand that I'm not alone? I don't get it. I always don't get it. I think i can never understand how your brain works."
You don't have to.
"You said it again."
Trying to understand me is difficult. You'll not only lose your time but also your mind.
"But if no one understands you, doesn't that make you feel lonely too?"
I'm immune to the shackles of emotions. Mortals will always come and go.
My voice echoed throughout the plain.
If it makes you feel at ease, then know that I have so much to do. It's never ending, a job only for me.
"Hmmm, whatever you say, I still think that you're living such a very boring life"
Trust me, I don't.
"Who are they?", you asked.
Just like you are. I answered.
That caught your attention.
"There are others before me?!"
What makes you think that you're the only lost soul to traverse the midnight realm? You're not that special kid.
"Wow, I love your duality G."
Thanks.
"That was sarcasm! Not a compliment"
Still, I'll take it. Thank you very much.
"Argh!!"
Now, that's the kid that I know.
At that moment, I'm just happy to see you smile again. Even without a mouth.
"So if there were others before me, and they're not here anymore, that means I won't stay here?"
Correct.
I show them to you because I know that you will learn from them. Just like you are, they were scared too.
"I mean, who wouldn't? Some ominous voice is talking to you all of the sudden and you don't have a body at all. You look at yourself and will find a ghost!", you explained, flailing your arms around.
You will not stay here, everyone will go... as they should.
Now tell me what is your wish.
"Doesn't matter. I wanted to cross the 'border' but this place is temporary as you said."
Don't you have another wish?
"I'm not sure, what do you suggest?"
I don't know, it should come from you.
"Can you show me my life before I came here?"
And what good will it cause you?
"Does it always requires effects? When you learn something trivial does it always have to do you good?"
But your life is not trivial, it's so much more than that.
"I know, so why won't you just grant me my wish?"
It might hurt you.
"So? It's part of being a mortal! And what if I cry regretting my life choices, the way that I lived! It's a part of me that you can't take away!"
Feeling 'negative' emotions is one thing, seeing others go through it is another.
"You just don't want to see me cry, don't you?"
What is your name? Your age? Place where you were born? Your parents? Any siblings? Lover? Frien—
"I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!"
You see, a normal 'lost soul' will still have some grasp of who they used to be. You said you were young when you died, correct?
"What are you implying?"
Are you sure, you are what you thought you were once? Did you really died young? Or was it only a wishful thinking?
"What?"
Are you a man or a woman? A civilian or a fighter? An innocent or a guilty? A child or a wise one by the course of time?"
"I don't know. Can't you show me though... please?" you begged to me.
Not everything you want in life, will be yours to achieve that easily. Some, will not even be grazed by fate to happen. And you must accept that.
"But...but I am dead, what does the law of life have to do with a dead end like me?"
You started to cry.
Death is not the end of the life, nor the opposite of it.
You only stopped living after your so called 'afterlife' comes to an end. When is that you wonder? The moment before you get reborn.
"Reborn?"
'Death' is the thing before Life. A pause before you became something, someone. Death is not the afterlife, but a long eternity of nothingness. That is your first 'hell', your punishment. A lot will happen at that blank point. A void, you can call it even. Who knows, maybe it's something similar to your depicted hell, or heaven. But it will come to pass, and all your dirt will be wiped clean. You will once again be a blank slate, your second 'hell', once you start over.
"But what if I don't want to live? What if I don't want to come back? If life is just hell...then I don't want to live again"
My child, you do want to live. You just don't want the way that you are living.
Look around you...
You did as exactly as what I asked you and you saw the others similar to you banished one by one.
They have already moved on. Now, it's time for you to go too.
"I won't remember this...do I?"
That's the fun of being you, you get to forget!
...
"You don't get to forget..."
What's with that voice?
...
Please don't pity me, I'm the least of your worries.
If I have a body here, then I would have hugged you already. Until then, please let this warmth be enough for your travel.
You looked into nothingness, to me, and smiled. And so did I, if only you could see it.
The remaining mirage of lost souls finally come into an end. The ground shakes again and the endless sea of sand turned into more refined ashes. A gentle wind blowing them away to the direction opposite of you.
There is a cool and wet feeling. When you looked down, it's a new different terrain. One field with many colorful glowing aquatic plants. It reminded you of the corals under the seas of your world. Wait. Colorful?!
You looked everywhere and your eyes are not deceiving you! You can see colors apart from black and white! Apart from your galaxy-esque ghost spirit whatever form!
"It's beautiful"
"Just like life." You heard my voice for the last time.
A few seconds later, a train stopped at your side.
"There's a train?! I didn't even noticed the tracks being formed! How cool is that?"
The door opened, beckoning you to come in.
"Welcome to the Midnight Express. Please leave all of your emotional baggages for the best experience of a ride." Said some voice from the train, wait no, said by the train itself! ... What?
"Did G asked you to get me?" you asked the train.
"G? Who's G? Anyone who's worthy of the travel will be blessed to ride the mighty train!", The voice spoke again.
"Uhhh... I'm not sure...maybe this is not a good idea—" You stopped with your talking as you felt a warm breeze of air passed you, as if telling you to come into the train already. "G?"
"Listen kid, this train is the train—"
"Yeah and the floor is a terrain full of water and aquatic plants but still, it is the floor. What's your game doofus.", you retorted half-jokingly.
"Anyone who sees the train must board it! No buts! End of discussion." the train, voice? added.
There was that breeze again.
"Well here's goes nothing"
You entered the old style train and looked around it. Nothing much special to it really—
"For the comfort of the passenger, an assistant will be available through the comms. Use the provided telephone for communication. Thanks for choosing The Midnight Express—"
"It's the only transpo available though", you chuckled to yourself.
"—and may your journey be wondrous and prosperous. Per aspera ad astra."
You've been sitting for some time now, with nothing to do, it's suffice to say that you're starting to get bored.
Maybe that's the problem. You get bored so easily.
"Then how come I got to stay at that place for so long?", You wondered, acting as if on a call with someone while holding the telephone to your ear. You're doing this to distract yourself.
Ding!
A chime of bell was heard, and from a slot similar to where mails should go, typically in a house, a paper slipped through.
Was there even a slot there from before? You can't remember. You're starting to forget more.
'Hey child, it's G, sorry I have to go earlier, I was needed somewhere and had to leave immediately. I see you already boarded! I'm so happy for you! I know it's scary traversing the unknown but if it makes you feel more at ease then you should know that you already managed to talked to one of them, no it's not the train, it's me!
A lot of folks feared me but you're not the same as a hundred percent to them. That's what makes you unique, keep that up and you will go places!
P.s. I can hear you through the phone, I have some 'free time' to have a chat with someone right now so we can talk if you want! Ask me anything and I'll do my best to give answers to you.'
"G...I...I miss you already... please, take care"
A paper slipped through the slot falling gently to your table.
'I told you, I'm the least of your worries, and I miss you too kid. The path ahead is a rocky one—'
The train trembled as it went on a rocky dark cave, shaking your whole cart and definitely also the others.
The ink on the paper glowed, making G's message visible again.
'—literally and metaphorically but you and I already know that. Per aspera ad astra, till we meet again, my child'
"Per aspera ad astra. I don't know what that means but yes, till we meet again"
After saying your good byes and the many views of different dimensions, yes different dimensions, could you believe that?
The train finally came out of the seventh warp jump and the view from your window left you gobsmacked.
You call from the telephone, asking if they could play some old music to ease your nerves.
"Anything specific?", asked the voice from the speaker.
You looked at the paper that G left you.
"Til we meet again..."
"Currently on it. Sound found from Earth. Now playing 'We'll Meet Again' by Vera Lynn"
The nostalgic tune filled the room, entrancing you for a few seconds. You even sing-along to it, just like the soldiers from song.
"Dear passenger, please be ready for your departure for the next stop. The singularity."