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Sam came down the ramp and basically threw her P-90 at the waiting guard. She couldn’t breathe. She headed straight for medical so she could get checked out and go home, and do what? Scream? Cry? Drink?
Teal’c was right behind her. His eyes were empty, and was looking more or less between the ground beneath him and watching Sam. He walked slowly to medical, not acknowledging any of the condolences of the passers by. He sat on the bed across from Sam. They both stared at each other.
Teal’c watched Sam trying to process what had happened. She was barely able to hold it in. Her eyes were constantly moving, wide with confusion, fear, and most likely shock. Her breath caught with every inhale. She looked at him for help that he could not give to her.
Daniel came through with the wounded and the dead. He watched Janet furiously work to try to save the life of the person on the gurney. Janet was doing all she could to keep him alive. He sustained a direct hit from a staff weapon. His ceramic shield did not work. It fractured and then melted into a hole in his body cavity created by the energy of the weapon. She knew, and Daniel knew, there was nothing else she could do.
Daniel talked to the medics that were waiting at the bottom of the ramp. He gave one of them the final count of the wounded and the dead. He kept his head low, and his tired eyes stared at the concrete floor as he walked slowly to the elevator. He decided to take the stairs so the critical and injured utilize the elevator.
He came home uninjured. He wished he could have saved more lives.
Janet rode up to medical with the three critically injured team members on the gurneys.
The three gurneys were brought to medical and Dr. Brightman asked for a status. Janet’s black, empty eyes looked at her counterpart and only barely shook her head.
“I was tending to one of our wounded. I got shot by a staff weapon. Sargent Franko and Lieutenant Brolski died on the field,” she said, pointing to the two gurneys that held the bodies of the fallen.
She paused to catch her breath.
“The Colonel got shot on the other side of the battlefield. Right before we left for the mission, the Colonel swapped out the new ceramic chest shield with me. He took the old one. Mine worked,” is all Janet said. She looked down and let her eyes settle on Colonel O’Neill.
They packed everyone into medical. Those who were not critical and were ambulatory lined the hallway waiting to be seen. Sam heard the gurneys being wheeled down the hall into medical. Something in her snapped.
She ripped the blood pressure collar off of her arm, grinded her teeth together, and let out a deep, painful, “No!”
She got up and ran to one of the gurneys. Teal’c had followed her out and grabbed her around the waist as she tried to run to the gurney that held his lifeless body..
Teal’c continued to hold her close as she tried to break free as the other two rolled by. Her jaw was clamped down and Teal’c could hear her angry requests.
“Let me go. We need to save him. When I held him he was breathing! Put me down. He’s not dead,” came roughly from her lungs.
She had to try to save him. Every other time she thought he was dead, he would come back. So now he wasn’t really dead.
It took a few moments, but she calmed down. Teal’c let go of her.
Janet didn’t even see Sam or Teal’c run past her in the hallway. Janet turned around when she heard Sam yelling. She watched Teal’c hold back. The scene crushed her heart. Janet walked up to her friend and tried to calm her.
“Sam,” Janet said to deaf ears.
Sam slowly turned to her friend with eyes wide with fear and disbelief. Her breaths once again caught in her throat. Janet touched her hand and tried to hold it. Sam shrugged her off and brought both arms around her middle like she was hugging herself.
“I need to be in there,” Janet said quickly, pointing to medical, “Go take a shower. I’ll come home with you and I’ll bring something to help you sleep,” Janet said.
Sam just stared at her.
“I need to finish up here before I leave. Teal’c, help her. I have to go.”.
Sam wanted to scream. She wanted to yell that she wasn’t going to kill herself and didn’t need a babysitter. But the words got choked back by her erratic breathing. She let her arms drop to her side and she let her eyes focus on Teal’c. She nodded her head.
“Fine,” she said through gritted teeth.
It was a few more hours before Janet could leave. Everyone on that mission had the next two weeks off to recover. Hammond dismissed the camera crews. Janet took Sam home.
Sam continued to tell herself that Jack wasn’t dead. She pretended he was just off-world. She even told Janet that she knows he is alive and will come back.
“He was breathing, Janet,” she whispered. “When I got there he was breathing. He looked at me and exhaled. He was alive. Why?” she asked almost silently.
Janet tried to console her and tried to find a way to let her friend know that Jack was, in fact, dead. Sam argued he could have ascended. Or any number of other reasons that Jack was not dead. When this hit her, it will hit her hard, Janet said to herself.
They pulled up in front of Sam’s house. Janet put the car in park and turned it off. She paused for a moment to look at Sam. She was staring off into nothing.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside,” Janet said softly to her friend.
Janet got out and started to walk to the door. Sam didn’t get out of the car. Janet turned around to see her friend still staring straight at the dashboard of her car. She waited in front of the house long enough for Sam to muster the strength to move. She emerged from the car and walked silently up to her house and unlocked the door.
The two friends sat in silence in the living room. Janet got up to get them both a glass of water, and sliced up an apple for Sam. Behind her, Sam heard each time the knife slice into the apple and hit the cutting board. She heard the water turn on, and heard the knife placed in the sink. She heard Janet grab a plate for the apple, and just wanted the noise to stop, even though the house was hauntingly silent.
She took a bite of an apple slice and took a sip of water. She stared blankly in front of her. Bite. Sip. Bite. Sip. It took her five minutes to eat one slice of the apple. She put her glass down and continued to stare.
Janet got up and opened a bottle that was in her purse. She gave Sam something to help her sleep. She nodded a thank you to Janet and swallowed the pill. Janet hoped she would sleep for hours.
After about an hour or so, Sam silently left the living room to go lay down in her bedroom. She pulled back her comforter and sheets and laid between them. Her mind drifted to the times Jack stayed in her bed. She rolled over onto her side and hugged pillows into her chest. The tears came silently.
She finally settled down and closed her eyes. She quickly opened them again. She wasn’t sure how long she was asleep, but it was still dark outside. She got up out of bed and got a glass of water. Her house was silent. Even though they never lived together, her home felt like it was missing a heartbeat. His heartbeat.
She decided to take a walk outside across the street to the park. She sat down on a bench and just stared up into the night sky. She could hear the wind blow by her, not quite cold, but not as warm as it can get in the summer. She could hear cars go by in the distance, a hum of car motors and truck motors.
There were no clouds in the sky tonight. Her eyes moved along the lights that lined the paved walking path. She could see so many stars tonight. She scooted over a little bit on the bench. She leaned her head back against the trunk of a tree that was growing right behind the bench she was sitting on. It supported her head upright so she could look up at the stars. She closed her eyes again. She inhaled through her nose.
That's when she smelled him.
It was a scent she never wanted to forget. So many times over the years she just wanted to bury her face in his chest and breathe. On the days or nights that she did get to bury her face in his chest, it would end so fast. She felt like she never got the time with him that she wanted. Now she would never have more time.
She felt the tears rising back up as she inhaled deep, trying to smell him with every breath. She felt the wind gently brush through her hair. It felt like his hand. She didn't want to move. She heard a whisper.
"Hey, Sam. How are you?" the wind whispered.
Her eyes flew open and searched the area for him. She looked behind her. She scanned the park. No one was near her. She lowered her eyes and watched herself wring her hands in her lap. She heard it again.
"Sam," the whisper said.
She looked behind her again. No one was there. She inhaled through her nose again. She could smell him. Was this really happening?
"Jack?" she whispered back, keeping her eyes up looking into the stars.
"It's me," she heard.
"How?" she replied.
"I came to say goodbye," he said.
"No, Jack. No. This isn't right. Why couldn't it have been Daniel, or Janet, or Sgt Schreiber?" she begged.
She felt a thumb brush a tear from her cheek. Was it really him?
"I don’t know why. I guess my time was up."
"But how are you here? Where are you?" she asked, still only able to smell him.
"Not sure where I am, but I can tell you that it is not as hot as I thought it would be," he said with the sarcastic wit she has grown to love.
"Jack," she exhaled. She could feel him smiling at her. She was smiling at him. She only smiled that smile for him.
She closed her eyes and breathed. She sure loved his dry wit.
"You know, the times I heard you say my name were the best times of my life," he said.
She knew every time she had spoken his name.
"I can't do this without you. Why you?" she felt her tears starting.
She felt a breeze blow past her entire body. His scent engulfed her. She felt a cold, but familiar hand reach for hers.
"Sam, open your eyes. Look at me. One last time," he whispered between them.
She slowly opened her eyes. When her eyes focused she saw a faint cloud in front of her. She was sure it was the tears clouding her eyes. And yet she could not explain the scent. Then she saw grey hair, then those deep, chocolate eyes. She finally saw his beautiful lips that have caressed her body in so many wonderful ways. He smiled at her.
"You have to go on, Sam. For us," he said.
She stared at the vaporous apparition in front of her.
"Is it really you?" she whispered.
He smiled and reached out a hand to her. He touched her cheek. Then he touched her belly.
"Yes, it is. And I need you to go on. For us," he emphasized.
He captured her eyes one last time. He stood there a few moments and saw when she realized what his words meant.
"No, no, no no, I need you. You can't leave me like this," she said, touching her belly with both hands.
"Sam. I will always be here for you. Always.”
“I never even got a chance to tell you…,” she said softly, choking back more tears.
“Oh my lovely Samantha,” he said, touching her cheek one last time, “your eyes have told me how much you love me for years,” he replied.
He looked deep into her blue, watery eyes.
“No,” she said softly, letting a few tears fall.
“It’s alright, Sam. You will be OK,” he said as he turned towards the sky.
“Do you see that star up there? The larger, blueish one?” he asked, pointing a hand in the direction he wanted her to look.
She nodded her head.
“That is where I will be. For both of you. Show our son my star and let him know I love him very much," he said.
Then as quickly as he came, he disappeared. Sam watched as a blue cloud seemed to drift up into the atmosphere and joined the star in the sky. She reached one hand up to the star as if she could touch him one last time. Her other hand drifted to her belly.
"Him? A boy? Your daddy," is all she said. The tears came again.
She didn't know how much time had passed when she felt a hand on her shoulder and startled her.
"Jack!" she yelled, opening her eyes and scanning her surroundings. She turned her head to the right to find Janet.
"No, it's just me. I'm sorry I startled you,” Janet said almost in a whisper.
“I woke up and you weren't in the house. I'm just checking on you. Looks like you fell asleep on this bench. I sat here for a while with you," Janet said, caressing her arm.
Sam stared at her friend, just breathing and trying to figure out what was going on. She looked up into the sky, and there before her was a blue star. She looked back to Janet.
"Janet. I’m. I don’t know. Just sort of,” she said mid sentence, turning her red, watery eyes to her friend.
She stared at Janet for a few seconds, letting what just happened register in her mind.
“Janet!” she exclaimed softly, startled by her own thoughts.
"He came to me. He came to say goodbye," she began.
Her eyes widened and she focused on Janet's eyes. Her breathing increased again.
"Janet," Sam whispered, "I think I'm pregnant," she replied, looking down at the hand that was still touching her belly.
Janet gave her friend a warm smile, and reached out to take both of her hands. She held her friend's hands and gently touched Sam’s cheek. Janet waited until Sam’s eyes focused on her before she replied.
"I know. It was in your post-mission tests. I was going to wait to tell you because I didn’t want to add more to your plate right now," Janet said.
A sudden peace engulfed Sam. She was pregnant with Jack's baby. Then quickly she realized she was alone.
Sam looked back up in the sky, and her blue star was still there. She couldn't smell him anymore. Her heart ached, but deep down she knew she would be OK one day. She knew because her body held the last piece of Jack O'Neill. She looked back at Janet and tried to smile.
"I'm not OK now. But I will be," Sam said through hiccoughs and tears.
Janet smiled and stood up in front of her friend, still holding onto one of her hands.
"I know you will. Let's get you back to bed so you can try to sleep," Janet said. Sam just nodded her head.
The two of them walked hand-in-hand back to the house together. When Sam got to the stairs at her front door, she let go of Janet’s hand and turned around towards the park. She looked up into the night sky. And airplane was flying high overhead. She could see the contrails white in the night sky. She found her blue star.
She would have to calculate the trajectory of the star to find when it would be visible to her, and calculate how far away it is, and find the composition…..She felt an exasperated voice rolling his eyes and telling her to stop and just enjoy the moment.
She smiled, keeping her eyes on their star.
"Thank you," she whispered to her star, "we both thank you," she continued, rubbing her hands on her belly.