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Or be like the rose that you hold in your hand
That will grow bold in a barren desolate land
Lover, be good to me
She is here again, the softness flowing over her is almost peaceful. A body brushes against her as a shadow falls over her. She is pulled from the water onto a warm body. She reaches for her dagger, but there is no dagger now. There will never be one like that again. Slowly, his face comes into focus. He is the same, unchanged from when she last saw him. They are in Eregion, wet clothes clinging to their skin. He brushes her hair behind her ear, his fingers trail down her throat. Galadriel closes her eyes and when she opens them again she pushes him away and rises. He is seated before her, arms behind him to raise his body. On his splayed fingers she sees a golden ring, an echo to the one on her own finger. That is how she knows that he is here in truth. This imagining is shared, a true meeting and duel of their minds.
‘Get out of my mind,’ she says.
His smile is wicked, he has never smiled like that before.
‘You called me here.’
‘I did not.’
She had taken a seat beneath the shade of a tree for a moment of solitude. Some part of her could feel her body there still. Her mind was here, with him . She watches as he comes to his knees before her.
‘Have you changed your mind, Galadriel? Have you come to say yes?’
His hands reach for hers and as she recoils from him he pushes himself to his feet until he is towering over her.
‘If I had my dagger …’
Her threat hung in the air between them and he laughed,
‘When did you realise?’
‘You knew!’
Anger, bright and hot bursts within her.
‘I knew the moment I touched the mithril . Why do you think I suggested what I did?’
She lunges towards him, a scream trapped in her throat. The world moves around her and Galadriel catches herself just before she falls off the raft into the still waters below. In the water she sees the same vision he has shown her before. The two of them side by side, crowns settled atop their heads. She reaches towards the water. His hand darts out to grab her arm and he pulls her away. He releases her quickly, but not before he lets his fingertips slide gently down her arm. She leans backwards until she is resting against the block. He is seated across from her his body is still, but his eyes track over her face with a hunger that leaves her breathless. She strains against the hold of his mind on hers. Her eyes fall shut as she concentrates.
‘You can keep trying if you would like,’ the amusement in his voice is obvious.
When she opens her eyes he is staring down at the water.
‘Why are you doing this to me?’
‘You called me here, Galadriel.’
‘This will not make me say yes.’
‘Let us see.’
The world around shifts again until she is in the harbour of Numenor. The ships spread out in front of them and in the distance there is the open ocean.
‘I should have left you here.’
‘It was all I asked,’ he laughs.
The anger and shame heat her blood, warming her face. Countless mistakes that have led her to this moment and still he visits her again and again tempting her to make another. She turns her head so that she can look at his face.
‘I wish you would leave me be,’ she says.
‘I can’t.’
And she feels it too. The fire that ignites within her in his presence. She will smother it one day.
The sunlight gleams through the trees on the edge of the glade. He is sitting on a fallen log, his eyes track her as she moves over the forest floor towards him. This is the same place they had spoken after the battle, she will not allow the truth of Sauron to corrupt it. The hem of her dress trails after her, the material so thin that when the sunlight hits her it appears as if she is wearing nothing at all. He is dressed to match and his fingers are bare. These desires she felt growing within her, that she hoped would subside when she realised the truth of him, to her eternal shame exist within her still. So, she creates this world, this imagining is hers alone. Halbrand rises as she moves closer to him. When she reaches him, Galadriel cards her fingers through his hair, rising up until she can press her lips to his. She feels his lips lift into a smile, when she pulls back her smile echoes his. She wants to stay here, capture the moment they had shared here when she had thought him another man. She cannot be greedy, she must resist temptation. So even though he is a figment of her imagination, she pulls away from him and leaves him within the forest.
He is in a dark forest, a fire burning near him. His back is towards her, she watches as he turns his head.
‘Galadriel,’ his voice is a pained whisper.
All around him the air shimmers as if he is surrounded by a hazy heat. He is elsewhere, somewhere new, with others. On her finger, Nenya is glowing. He disappears before her and blinks into existence mere seconds later.
‘How did you find me, Galadriel?’
‘Where are you?’
He grasps her chin with his fingers, tilting her face upwards. Her lips part slightly.
‘How did you find me?’
She remembers another time that she had been looking for, wanting so desterately to find him. Galadriel remembers how she had awoken in the aftermath of the eruption, the ash blanketing everything around her. How she had stood, somewhat unsteady, and called out. She feels something brush her ear as she is lost within the memory and then a whisper,
‘You called my name, Galadriel.’
His words pull her out of the memory. His lips brush over the shell of her ear before he pulls back to look into her eyes, her face still tilted toward him.
‘Tell me, Galadriel. Tell me why you called my name.’
She is within the memory, experiencing it all. The falling ash, the foul air. The hopelessness rising within her.
‘Halbrand.’
There is no response. This is a corrupted memory, a world without all others. There is no sign of him.
‘Halbrand!’ She calls again.
This time, he emerges from behind the ruins. His armour is untouched by the ash. He moves unhurredly closer to her, speaking as he walks.
‘You called for me before all others when you woke.’
‘It was a mistake.’
Suddenly she hears the echo of her voice as she calls for him, her voice is ragged. It rings in her ears. She sounds desperate.
‘You care for me,’ he says it like an accusation.
‘You are the Deciever and I was taken in by your lies! Are you happy now?’
In the absence of a weapon, she hopes her words are sharp enough to strike.
‘I never lied to you.’
She presses her hands over her ears and tightly closes her eyes, still she hears herself calling his name. If she has started this strange dance then she can end it as well. The darkness, when it finds her, feels sweet.
They are within the glade again, dressed in simple white and this time it is he who approaches her. His smile is radiant and his eyes burn with barely suppressed desire. The kiss, when he reaches her, sets her aflame. His hands trail down her sides before he begins to gather the fabric of her dress. Lifting it until he breaks the kiss and, at last, removes it from her. She watches as he lays it on the ground and she lowers herself until she is laying on the dress. He presses the length of his body against hers and kisses her again, it is headier than before. And when she is breathless he kisses his way down her body until he reaches her core. When she spreads her legs further his smile is wicked. He places the first two fingers of his right hand into his mouth, she cannot stop staring. His fingers glisten in the sunlight as he pulls them from his mouth and she feels them slide into her before he presses his tongue to her core. She strangles the obscene sound that threatens to escape from her throat. Her hands tangle in his hair as she presses herself closer and finally the pleasure crests, she cries out. He drags his lips up her body until his lips hover just above hers. She cups his face gently in her hand.
‘I wish I could believe the lies I told myself.’
He closes his eyes and presses his forehead against hers.
‘I almost wish they were real,’ she whispers.
She is pulled from the water again. When she falls onto his body this time, she does not even reach for her dagger. They are on the raft with the sun above them. She is so tired and so much time has passed since they have met. She rests her head against his chest and feels him maneouver her body until they are laying side by side. She cannot lift her head to look into his eyes. His fingers pass through her rapidly drying hair and she feels like she is back in the glade of the forest again.
‘Where were you?’
He is silent. Galadriel rests her hand over his chest.
‘Why are we here again?’ She asks.
‘Something happened to you.’
She sighs, unwilling to question too closely how he knows. She rolls onto her back so she can stare towards the sky.
‘I’m constantly questioned, so much so that I begin to wonder if they are right after all.’
This is a stilted peace and she is too wary to say too much to him. This, whatever it is, is a world untouched by the outside.
‘They’re wrong. You are the ocean, your depths unknown even to yourself.’
She takes his words and hoards them inside herself. If she is the ocean then he is the sky stretching above her, boundless and limitless. And when one looks towards the far, distant horizon the two blend seamlessly into one until it is impossible to see where the ocean ends and the sky begins. She turns away from him and looks to the horizon, fixing the sight to her memory.
‘Take me to Valinor,’ she whispers and feels the world shift around herself as he rushes to comply.
The glade, it feels like the only place that is left to her alone. She does not stop herself from running to him. He catches her and his arms come around her, he is so warm. The laugh that escapes her when he lifts her up and spins her around feels freeing. When her feet touch the ground again, she rises up to press her lips to his. Slowly, she pulls his clothes off his body and then removes her own dress. Their clothes form a nest on the ground and when she presses her hand on his shoulder he takes a seat. She stands in front of him, his eyes move hungrily over her before he places a soft kiss over her hip. She presses her fingers inside herself, bringing herself to the edge of pleasure. And when she is ready she lowers herself onto him, watching his face closely as he surrenders himself to her. She quickly loses herself to her pleasure, lost in the heady sounds they make together. Seconds after she comes, she feels him spend inside her. She is reluctant to move away, laying her head on his shoulder. His arms surround her, his hands spreading across her back. She cannot help but utter the thought that comes to her.
‘I find more freedom here in my imagination than anywhere else.’
‘This is real,’ he replies in Quenya.
She freezes. When she feels the warmed metal of his ring against her naked skin she scrambles backwards, breaking his hold on her. What has she done ?
‘No, this can’t be.’
‘It is. You are powerful, more than you know. You pulled me here time and time again.’
He reaches out to touch her and she knocks his hand away, unable to bear his touch.
‘Give in and say yes.’
‘I can’t,’ soft words, filled with a longing that she cannot hide from him after this. She repeats herself, her voice growing stronger this time, ‘I can’t.’
She isn’t holding on to his arm, rather her hand is placed atop his. His palm is warm against hers. As he raises their hands, those before them kneel.
‘They see you for all you could be, their queen.’
He is still staring at the crowd, a smile affixed upon his face, his lips barely moving as he speaks.
‘I do not want them to kneel before me.’
The vision vanishes until they are standing in darkness. Galadriel can still feel the weight of the crown Sauron has placed atop her head.
‘What do you want then?’ His voice is so soft and gentle. She stays silent.
‘Do you wish to fight? To lead armies into battle?’
She is silent still, but now she can feel the web he weaves for her. Placing temptation after temptation before her. A commander unchallenged, accountable to no one. Free to do exactly as she desires.
‘What will you do after there is no one left to fight, Galadriel? What happens when you have no enemies to conquer?’
His words are a sharp, near painful shot of heat through her. She pulls her hand away from him and cradles it against her chest.
‘No, you are my enemy. You will always be my enemy.’
‘But I was not always, was I?’
His face shifts slightly, the fire within his eyes dimming. His clothing changes from the dark armour until it is the armour he wore during the battle where they had fought side by side. He is Halbrand. He is Sauron. She takes a step back.
‘I would wear this face for you,’ he whispers as he takes a step toward her, closing the distance between them until they are an arms length apart.
Galadriel pulls the crown from her head and hurls it at his feet.
‘Stop,’ she is breathless.
‘Think of everything that has passed between us. Think of all we could be together.’
She has been so weak, she is still weak. The reality of him here in front of her with this face, the memory of fighting at his side, and what they have shared throughout the years is too much for her to bear. Something within her soul burned for him then and does so still. She reaches out her hand until her fingertips brush his jaw. His eyes close briefly and when he opens them she is ensnared by his gaze.
‘Say yes.’
His words are barely audible, even to her keen ears.
‘No.’
They are in Numenor, within the cells they had been placed in during their separate arrests. Her lips lift in a smile as she remembers. He is laying on the bench in the adjoining cell, close enough to touch. This time, the city is empty and the doors to their cells are unlocked. They are free, but choose to stay where they are. Galadriel turns her head to peer at him properly within his cell.
‘I should have listened to you.’
‘About what exactly?’
‘The first time we were here you spoke to me about power and weakness. If I had stopped to think, I would have known.’
‘I told you to.’
She had been too blinded by everything she hoped to achieve, what she had wanted Numenor to do. Sauron had probably known it too, it had likely amused him to give her warnings along with his advice. Her hands rise to grasp the bars between them.
‘I wish you were Halbrand in truth.’
He rises until he is standing across from her, able to see her face.
‘Galadriel, if I had been human in truth you would not have been here even the first time.’
‘We would have made it to Numenor.’
‘Do you still think anything after our initial meeting was a simple matter of chance?’
She is struck silent, memories slipping through her mind.
‘Everything I have done,’ he continues, ‘has been for you. Because you gave some indication, no matter how small, that you wanted it.’
This is both what she fears and desires. That he would remove every obstacle in her path, that he would stand by her side. And when she stretches her hand through the bars, he takes hold of it gently and places it against his face before turning slightly and pressing his lips against her palm. She is lost. She is dancing on the edge of the web he has woven to ensnare her.
He has called her to the glade. Wordlessly, she takes a seat beside him and he turns his head to look at her. The echo of words he said to her play in her mind. He kisses her and pulls her into his lap. This is the real reason she came here, she has yearned for the feel of his body against hers. As she deepens the kiss, he pulls away leaving her panting.
‘Do you truly believe we were brought together for a reason?’ He asks.
There are shadows beneath his eyes and she cannot stop herself from reaching out and touching them.
‘Yes.’
‘Then what keeps you away?’
Galadriel climbs off his lap and rises to her feet, her arms are around her body tightly as she hugs herself.
‘How many times do you want me to say that I cannot.’
‘So you would condemn us both to lives of misery instead?’
The sunlight within the glade has dimmed, hidden by dark clouds. His eyes are burning and she cannot stop staring. Her arms fall to her sides and she almost takes a step towards him before stopping herself. For all her talk of him trapping her within his carefully woven web, she finds herself trapped in one of her own making and this one is inescapable, strangling her very being. He dims the sun until they are surrounded in darkness, she is strong enough to break the connection and leave him there alone.
He is sitting beside a fire, leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees. It has been so long. Galadriel’s lips pull up slightly when she notices their clothes. He, in a black tunic that leaves his arms bare and she, in a white dress. An echo of their first meeting. He does not look at her as she approaches. She watches the long shadows over his face keenly. He is so changed from the man she met on the raft, the one who saved her life. So many years she could not admit the truth, but that was the reality of it no matter who he was. She is struck by something more, a question that has stayed in her mind, tucked away safely so that she might never dwell upon it.
‘Why didn’t you take me?’
His eyes flicker briefly to her before returning to the fire.
‘In Eregion. You could have taken me. Made me your queen by force. I could not have matched your power. I could not even keep you out of my mind then.’
The silence stretches broken only by the crackling of the fire and the calls of nocturnal birds.
‘And when you could resist my power, what then? When your kind went to war for you, what would happen then?’
She moves closer to him until she is standing by his side, her hand resting upon his shoulder. She can feel his hair brushing the back of her hand. Nenya glows on her finger, strangely bright in the firelight. That is when she notices that his fingers are bare. She crushes the wave of emotion that rises within her. He is so changed, even, from the man who first entered her mind.
‘What if I had chosen to stay?’
What if by limiting her choices he could have made her freer than she is now? His laugh is a sharp bark, bitter and bruised.
‘Galadriel.’
It has been so long since he has called her by her name, she takes it and hoards it within her. But he is not finished.
‘You would not have stayed.’
‘You do not know.’
He rises so quickly that she does not quite see it happen. Her hand falls from his shoulder and she stumbles back. His hand grasps her wrist, pulling her towards him.
‘I know you . Or will you hide from that truth too?’
She is silent and his grip tightens before he bares his teeth in a grimace and continues,
‘All these long decades we have danced through one another’s minds. Shared our thoughts, our desires, our bodies. Still you think that I do not know you and all that you are.’
‘You have only ever reflected what you believe I wish to see.’
‘I have bared myself to you. I have pledged to bind you to power and all I asked in return was you as you are. You have made a mockery of all that I have tried to give you.’
She reaches out towards him with her free arm, but he blocks her with a deft movement. He pushes her from him and stalks away.
‘Sauron…,’ she calls after him.
‘No.’ His voice is a thunderclap.
She is in darkness, all alone. She is falling. She might never stop falling.
Even in the slow pace of their kind, life moves on. The sun rises and falls. Her city flourishes. She births her daughter, the light of her life. Still Nenya rests upon her finger, still she is barred from his mind. Galadriel knows because in her weaker moments she still tries. She wonders about everything that could have been. Once, she had been so sure that if she had said yes he would have placed a crown atop her head and taken her into his arms. Now, there is nothing but a wasteland. So many moments taken and twisted. Some deep part of her desires him still, perhaps she will always be tormented by it. It is a fitting punishment after all. And sometimes when she is very weak she lays on her bed with her arms outstretched as if she is surrendering her very being. She remembers the words that he had said to her with an entirely different face, one worn to twist her very thoughts. She does not imagine those soft, rolling green hills, but the opening within the forest beside the firelight and the raft upon the ocean. She knows him, knows all that he is. So she whispers into the darkness too soft even for her own ears to hear.
‘Sauron, come back to me.’
This time is different. This time in the far, far distance there is cascade of glittering sparks before a small flame comes into existence.