Chapter Text
I call what we have indigo
Unclear what we are by what we know
And though you never take my hand
Even when I raise your shipwreck from the sand
And though you never count the cost
Of the innocence you’ve lost or what it meant
~~~~
Is she the same?
The question rings through his mind. Vibrates beneath his plates. He can’t wrap his fringe around such a simple inquiry having that complicated of an answer. For nearly three long months, it’s all he can think about. Ever since walking out of that human—then again, not so much anymore—hospital. Ever since walking away from her comatose body. It’s the thought that keeps coming back to him.
Until, that is, he hears about remnants of Cerberus discovering she’s still alive.
Travel to Earth has been nearly impossible since the end of the war. Whatever happened on the Citadel and with the Catalyst almost completely destroyed the Charon Relay. To consume energy now until it can somehow be restored to its full power, only select ships and people can travel to and from Earth. Hell, if it hadn’t been for his family, he probably never would’ve even bothered leaving in the first place.
Because of this security clearance, though, these people left over from Cerberus shouldn’t be able to pass through the relay.
He couldn’t have been more wrong.
Get in, get Shepard, get out. That had been the plan. It still is the plan. Except now he has to fight his way around soldiers still supporting Cerberus’ shitty ideals. And there are far more of them than he had been anticipating. Doesn’t help that hospitals are never fun to fight through.
First things first, he disables their shuttles. That’ll be one less thing to worry about while he and Shepard are making their escape. Secondly, he has no idea where in the hospital she even is. He remembers visiting her when her body had initially been found, but that was almost three months ago now and human hospitals are set up so strangely. Like a maze. So, this could prove to be difficult. What if Cerberus gets to her first? Do they want her dead? Or will they try to convince her that they’re friendly? She wouldn’t fall for it. She can’t. Unless—
He tries not to think that far ahead. Just one moment at a time. One shot at a time.
There are bodies scattered across the floor. He also tries not to think about just how many innocent lives have been lost. Doctors, patients, visitors… Unnecessary deaths.
With the help of his trusty sniper rifle sniper, he shoots his way through at least half of the hospital. Then he soon comes close to what he believes must be the centre. Perfect. Maybe there’s a database he can hack into with a layout or directory on where to find particular patients.
He comes across two more soldiers. Rather than kill them, he decides to tail them instead. Especially since they haven’t spotted him yet and they might have a lead. They might have an idea as to where Shepard is. Plus, they’re heading the same direction anyway.
“We better get a pay upgrade for this.”
“Doubtful.”
“We deserve compensation.”
“No. What we deserve is the chance to shake her up a bit. Make her realise exactly who it is she’s dealing with. Not that that’s gonna work. No way in hell she’ll trust any of us after this shitshow.”
“Wait… You mean to say Boss still wants her alive?”
“Don’t complain to me about it. I’d kill the bitch, too, if I could.”
“Tch. Who knew she’d put up such a fucking fight?”
“Yeah, well, we had no way to predict this. I mean, you’d think after being in a coma for three months you wouldn’t have so much fucking energy.”
“Goddamn adrenaline.”
He nearly drops his rifle. Shepard is awake? When the hell—? Shit. Talk about impeccable timing. And if she’s fighting them, then that’s even better.
He stops when the soldiers stop. And they stop because they hear something. Meanwhile, he feels it. A vibration of some sort. Like something had been knocked into.
“Hold on. What was that?”
He holds up his sniper rifles, readying a shot.
“It came from over that way. The desk there.”
He lines up his first target. Inhales. Pulls the trigger. Exhales.
“What the—?”
He takes the second shot before the other soldier can get another word out. Instead, he makes a choked sound and falls to the ground. He peeks around the corner into the room to find the other soldier’s body draped over the desk they must’ve been referring to. The rest of the room looks clear. So, he pops the heatsink and takes a deep breath. Then he keeps moving. Enters the room and—
There she is. Shepard. He automatically lowers his rifle upon seeing her, but she does the opposite. She raises the assault rifle in her hands. Directs him towards him. He stands his ground. Remembers to breathe.
“Who are you?” she asks, her voice scratchy. “Why are you here? What do you want from me?”
Oh. She—Right. The doctor had mentioned that memory loss could be a possibility, but… Well, he never actually imagined—never thought she would forget him. He had hoped… Fuck. Okay. He swallows hard. Lifts his arms to holster his rifle onto his back. It clicks into place on his armour. She tilts her head as she watches him as his mandible flickers. That tilt is one of suspicion. She has another one for curiosity. He shakes it off and dares to take a step closer to her.
She only lifts the rifle higher, placing a finger on the trigger. “What do you think you’re doing? Explain yourself.”
“Shepard…” That came out way more breathless sounding than he had wanted.
Her eyes narrow. “Who are you?”
His mandibles flick. It should be so fucking easy to just tell her his name, but the thought of reintroducing himself to her… Spirits, he hates it. Then before he even ends up being able to say anything else, more voices carry from behind him. This way. Go, go, go. Now she seems distracted by this, so he takes this opportunity to rush forward and grab her by the hand. He leads her down the hall in the opposite direction he’d come from, and she doesn’t object. Good. He guides her through empty rooms, not knowing exactly where they’re going but figuring anywhere away from the sound of voices and armoured steps is better. Then she’s suddenly pulling out his grasp, and he nearly trips over his own feet.
Spoke too soon.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“That’s what I wanna know,” she says. “I need answers.”
He can’t believe she’s doing this now when the voices are already catching up with them. C’mon, keep moving. He doesn’t hesitate to grab her and pull her through the door closest to them. It’s a tiny room but he’s not concerned about the size, just keeping Shepard safe. So, he pulls her tight against him, turning them so that he has his own back facing the door. He wraps his arms around her and—shit. It feels so nice having her back in his arms. Hell, she even smells the same. Three months isn’t even really that long, but it’s felt like forever. Especially when he wasn’t sure he would even get this chance again.
After what feels like another eternity, there’s silence. Just the sound of their breathing.
He forces himself to shift away from Shepard and check if outside is clear. “I think they’re gone.” He fully steps away. “The exit isn’t too far from here.” He starts to slip out of the room, but quickly realises Shepard is not following him. “What are you waiting for?”
“How do I know I can trust you?” she asks.
Hearing her doubt his intentions hurts. “Maybe because I’m the only one not shooting at you.”
“That doesn’t prove anything. These men want to take me to their boss. How do I know that’s not you? How do I know you’re not just acting like this to fool me?”
His mandibles tighten to his feet as he tries to keep his subharmonics from flanging. “I am not with these men.” He dares to step closer to her. “I am here for you, Shepard. To help you.”
“Why would you want to help me? Don’t most turians still hate humans?”
Spirits, how many years has she forgotten if she’s thinking that way? He can’t help but let out a bittersweet chuckle. “Not necessarily. Besides, I’m not like most turians. In fact, I’m a pretty terrible turian.” Her brow furrows at this. “You’re just gonna have to take a chance on me.”
Her jaw clenches, and she readies her rifle a moment later. “Let’s go.”
Good. So long as she cooperates now, they can talk more later. So, he unholsters his rifle and they continue on. Down the empty hall and towards the exit. He tries not to check over his shoulder to make sure Shepard is still following. Tries to trust that she just…will. And as soon as the exit is within reach, two soldiers pop out of a room to their right. They both take one out with simple headshots.
“Good to know you haven’t lost your touch, Shep.” The nickname slips out before he can think about not using it. Hmm. Maybe it’ll trigger something.
No such luck: She doesn’t even acknowledge it.
“What’s your name?” she asks again.
His finger slips on the rifle, causing him to pull the trigger and shoot the wall. “Shit. Sorry.” Right. He hasn’t actually told her yet. He clears his throat, unable to even bring himself to look at her. “Garrus Vakarian.”
She nods her head. “And you seem to already know me.”
“No offence, but maybe we leave the niceties for when we get away from here.” Because he can’t deal with this right now. “Less distracting that way.” And they’re finally out of the hospital, so he just wants to focus on getting off Earth. “Follow me. And be on your guard. There could still be Cerberus members out here.”
From this point on, it actually is simple. Aside from the fact that Shepard seems to be the distracted one. Then again, as she had so blatantly put it, she did just wake from a three-month-long coma into a less than ideal situation for reasons she’s unsure of, and she has a lot of catching up to do. Especially with no memories. Which just means he really needs to be the one to stay focused.
They finally reach the shuttle. Garrus returns the sniper rifle to his back and climbs in. He gets everything powered on and realises Shepard is still on the ground, a good few paces away. “What are you waiting for? We have to get out of here.”
“Where are you taking me?” she asks.
“Omega.”
“How do you plan on getting out of here discreetly?” She gestures behind her. “They’ll notice the ship and follow us.”
“They won’t dare follow us to Omega. They’re not welcome there. Plus, I disabled their shuttles when I got here. So, let’s go before we waste more time.”
He can sense the hesitation in her step before she does climb into the shuttle. “What’s on Omega?”
“Well, with the Citadel gone—”
“What the hell do you mean the Citadel is gone?”
He brow plates furrow. This is worse than he could’ve imagined. Especially when he goes on to find out she doesn’t remember the Reapers or Saren or Cerberus. Spirits, there will be a lot to catch her up on. Three and a half years of memories, to be exact. Not now, though. Not here. He still needs to get them off Earth, after all. Of course, that task is also slightly delayed when he notices Shepard paling. He calls out her name but doesn’t get a response. Tries again. Her eyes are closing. Rolling into the back of her head.
Just as she collapses, he reaches out and catches her.
He lays her flat. Opens his omni-tool to scan over her body. Once he confirms her vitals are stable, he figures she’s just overwhelmed. Exhausted. Her adrenaline rush has caused her to crash. He gets her off the ground and lays her across the shuttle seats.
“I’m here for you, Shepard,” he says softly, brushing the hair out of her face. “Whether you know me or not, I’m here.”
~~~~
By the time the shuttle reaches Omega, Shepard is still passed out. Garrus takes a moment to figure out a discreet way to carry her through the station and to the residential district. Considers waking her up. Tries to wake her up…to no avail. Huh. This is easier said than done. Of course.
Reluctantly, he turns to Aria for help.
“I thought I had heard a rumour about her body being found,” she says once she and Bray meet up with them at the docking bay. “She wasn’t kidding all those times she joked about being hard to kill.”
“What’s the plan?” Garrus asks, not in the mood for small talk.
“We have Eclipse mercs clearing the streets as we speak,” Bray goes on. “As soon as I get the all-clear, I’ll lead you to the designated apartment.”
“Shouldn’t take long,” Aria adds, examining Shepard’s body. “Damage doesn’t seem nearly as bad as it could have been.”
No. Garrus Is not talking with her about this. He won’t divulge any information. Refuses. Especially not about the loss of memory. He doesn’t need anyone trying to use that against Shepard. Not that he plans on letting just anyone anywhere near her.
Except that might not be his choice for much longer.
Bray’s omni-tool finally lights up. “We’re good to go.”
“Let me know if there’s anything you need,” Aria says. “I may owe Shepard, after all.” She turns to walk away. “You know where to find me.”
With that, Garrus picks Shepard up and cradles her firmly against his carapace. She looks so…small like this. Covered in new scars and even some lasting bruises. He breathes deep and moves to follow the batarian. The walk is quiet, but he’s fine with that. Thinks they both are.
Whatever Eclipse did, it worked. The streets are near-deserted. Garrus is almost impressed. Not a single body, either.
“Here,” Bray speaks up when they arrive at the apartment. “You can stay as long as you need, and you come and go as you please. There’s only a single bedroom, but Aria figured that wouldn’t be a problem.”
Garrus decidedly ignores that last comment. Gets Shepard into that room and on the bed. Then he returns to the front door. “I appreciate this.”
He puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Don’t thank me. Just don’t go pissing off all of Omega this time.”
“This time?”
He scoffs. “Like Aria doesn’t know who you are.” And he takes his leave.
Garrus sighs at this, shaking his head. He proceeds to lock the door the moment it slides shut before returning to Shepard. He sits on the edge of the bed and gently brushes the hair out of her face. Away from her eyes. Then he looks her up and down. The clothes she’s wearing are stained with blood. Of all shades. She’ll need to change out of those. Hmm… What are the chances…? He gets up and searches the bureau. There are human clothes that seem to be just about Shepard’s size inside the drawers. Spirits, Aria truly thought of everything.
He pulls out a top and bottom that he thinks would match. Both grey in colour. Humans seem so against using actual colours in their wardrobes. Not that that matters right now. He shakes his head and places the neatly folded clothes atop the bedside table. Then he gives Shepard another onceover.
Typically, at this point, Garrus would crawl into bed beside her. It’s what he wants to do. Given her lack of memories, though, he doesn’t think she would appreciate that. So, he takes another deep breath, mandibles flattening to his face, and he forces himself to leave the room. Settles for the couch. He’s on edge, but he knows he needs to rest. Needs to be ready for however Shepard may feel or react once she wakes up. Fuck…
What if she’s out for another three months?
No, he can’t think like that.
Talk about a hell of a few days. And he can’t help but wonder: If he had arrived sooner, would things have been any different? Not so much about her memories, but… Would he have been able to take the chance to considerately explain everything to Shepard upon her awakening? Or would it not have even mattered? He shakes his head. Who are you? Spirits, that question had nearly broken him in the moment. Even now… How the hell is he supposed to react to the love of his life not knowing him? Not remembering him?
Is she the same?
He still doesn’t have a simple answer.
~~~~
Well, that had been a disaster. At the same time, though, he’s not sure if it really could’ve gone any better. After all, Garrus isn’t entirely sure why he thought explaining three and a half years to Shepard would’ve been an easy task. It was not. And she did not take most of it in stride. Not that he blames her. It’s…a lot. Especially when part of that is learning about your old Captain being—
The breath catches in his throat as his face drops into his hands. Shepard had seemed more and more helpless with the more he told her. Like she wasn’t sure how to process any of this new information. Hell, it hadn’t been easy learning about the Reapers the first time around. Worse yet, all he wanted to do was reach out to her. Pull her into his embrace to hold and comfort her. Instead, he had to just…sit there. No. I’m not okay. Tch. It was stupid of him to even think about asking that. How could she be okay?
For the record, he’s not okay, either. Just…in a much different sense.
The worst of it, though, was her doubt in him. I still don’t know why I should trust you. How the hell is he supposed to prove that he’s trustworthy? Because helping her break out of the hospital hadn’t been enough. And he can’t be sure she’ll stick around long enough for him to prove it further. One wrong move… Tch. Like he could ever dream of hurting her.
He just needs to give her time. Let it sink in. Let it process. She’ll come around. She has to. Then—Well, he has no idea what the next step after lay low will be. He hasn’t gotten that far. Shit. That one moment at a time thing isn’t working so well now.
Shepard still has herself locked in the bedroom. Garrus had gone out to grab food for both of them and returned hoping they could sit and eat together. That’s not the case. He’s not sure how long she’ll keep her distance, either, but… Hmm. Somehow, this distance is worse than her death. Because this time around, she’s right within his grasp yet so far out of reach. And he has to let himself be okay with that.
Once he’s finished eating—or has lost his appetite—he pulls out his sniper rifle and takes it apart to clean it. Adds the new mod he grabbed while he was out. He keeps looking over his shoulder at the bedroom door, though, which causes him to have to reattach the mod at least four times. Finally, he pieces the gun back together and sets it aside. Then he retires to the couch. Watches the door leading into the apartment.
He’s exhausted. Can barely keep his eyes open, kind of exhausted. And he must fall asleep at some point because, next thing he knows, he startles awake over the sound of his name being called.
It takes him barely a moment to gather his bearings before he’s on his feet and rushing into the bedroom, ready to fight. Except…Shepard is alone. And still fast asleep. She’s thrashing her legs, though, and definitely calling for him. So, he sits on the edge of the bed, placing his hands on her shoulders.
“Shepard,” he says, trying to be gentle at first. When it doesn’t work, he adds a little more force. “Shepard, wake up.” Nothing. “Shepard.”
Another moment later, he’s on the floor. Get the hell away from me. And this leads into another disaster of a conversation. Hell, he can’t even convince her to tell him about the nightmare she had just experienced. She wants nothing to do with him. I’m here if you need me. Because that’s still true. Nothing could ever change that.
Garrus returns to the couch with an exasperated sigh. Hopefully things will start getting better sooner rather than later. Hopefully…but he then wakes the following morning to his pistol gone and the bedroom empty.
He goes to Aria.
“What do you need?” she asks.
“She’s gone. I need help—”
“I know. We assisted in getting her off the station.”
He held back a sneering growl. “Why the hell—?”
“She said that she couldn’t trust you. What was I supposed to do?”
“People are hunting her.”
“Oh, she’s quite capable. I’m sure she’ll be fine. As a matter of fact… Bray,” she calls out and the batarian joins them. “Pass along the message, will you?”
Bray opens his omni-tool and does just that. “We did say you could come and go as you please.”
Garrus inhales sharply, leaving without another word. He makes his way for the docking port and climbs aboard his shuttle. That’s when he opens the message to listen:
“Maybe you’re not an enemy,” Shepard’s voice sounds off, “but I can’t call you a friend, either. Because of that, I can’t stay here with you. I don’t—”
He stops and deletes the recording, not caring to hear another word. Then he takes a deep breath. He can’t just let her be out there by herself. She’s capable, sure, but that’s not the point. She’s vulnerable without her memories. She could still be in danger. Definitely is in danger with Cerberus out there.
He has to find her. To gain her trust. To stop her from getting hurt even more.
~~~~
Breaking news: The believed-to-be-comatose Commander Shepard is MIA. It is unclear at this time if her body was removed from the hospital on Earth or if she awoke and left on her own accord. There had been rumours of her being seen on Omega, but further searches conclude to be fruitless. Any intel is welcome.
The report is blasting across every galactic news station. Admiral Hackett was supposed to keep this under wraps. How the hell did it get away from him? Garrus tries not to be upset. Tries not to misdirect his anger towards the man. Hell, he was lucky enough that Hackett allowed him to retrieve Shepard in the first place rather than Alliance military.
And now he’s lost her.
He receives a message from Liara asking him to meet her on Illium. Of course, she probably knows the whole ordeal by now. And he didn’t want to have to involve her, but if anyone will be able to track Shepard, it’ll mostly likely be Liara. So, to Illium he goes.
Except that plan is nearly cut short when he arrives at the Nos Astra port to find bodies spewed everywhere and the asari greeter with a shot in her arm and seemingly abandoned Cerberus shuttles.
“Do you need assistance?” he checks in with the commando with the injured asari.
“No, we should be all set,” she says. “Thank you.”
With a single nod of his head, he continues to Liara’s office. She’s sitting at her private terminal when he arrives, calm as ever.
“What the hell happened?” he asks by way of greeting.
“Some sort of failed ambush,” Liara says.
“On the station?”
“Well, civilians were caught in the crossfire, but I don’t think the attack was directed on them or the station specifically.” She looks up from the terminal. “I do believe Shepard was here.”
“Is she still?”
She shakes her head. “Two Cerberus soldiers survived and were taken into custody. They both confirmed seeing one of their own shuttles take off.”
“You think Shepard took it?”
“Well, seeing as the one she arrived on was damaged…”
“And did she—?” He clears his throat. “Was that damage done by her?”
“That I’m not so sure of. But,” Garrus’ omni-tool pings, “I believe I’ve tracked the course of the shuttle she commandeered.”
“I’ll go after her.”
“Don’t lose her this time.”
He stops in his tracks. “She doesn’t remember anything, Liara,” he says. “Nothing after Eden Prime.”
“I was hoping those rumours wouldn’t be true.” She hums. “That certainly makes things complicated.”
He nods his head once. “I’ll let you know if—”
“I’ll be heading to Thessia soon. Bring her there when you find her. It may be easier to lay low there than on Omega or even here.”
He’s not following that logic but doesn’t feel like arguing with her. Also doesn’t want to give her a yes or no answer. “I’ll let you know if I find her,” he says instead, finishing his previous thought.
Then he’s back on his way.
He puts the shuttle on autopilot and opens the tracking Liara forwarded to his omni-tool. He must’ve just missed passing this Cerberus shuttle. Not that that matters now. Either Shepard is on this shuttle alone, with Cerberus soldiers, or not at all. Two of these outcomes could mean trouble.
It doesn’t stop him.
Liara’s information is right because of course it is. Except he comes across two shuttles. One intact and the other up in flames. He spots Shepard, though, and she’s on her feet, so he’s under the impression she hasn’t been harmed.
One by one, he takes the soldiers out with a single bullet to the head. Follows the one who seems to be in charge as he leads Shepard to the other shuttle a few klicks away. She seems to be going with him willingly. Fuck. No. This can’t be happening.
Garrus catches up to them. End of the road for you. He can’t see Shepard’s face, but her body language tells him that she seems like she may be surprised that he’s here. That he’s found her.
Then the split-second Shepard had that pistol raised at him—Sorry—his world nearly came crashing down around him. But she turns it on the stranger and Garrus can breathe again.
It’s a shame only the guy’s hand caught a bullet.
The fact that Garrus doesn’t have to coerce Shepard into coming with him this time almost makes it better. Almost makes up for her taking off. Almost.
Not that he could ever stay mad at her.
Of course, learning why she had left Is a bit of an eye-opener.
“I saw you in the dream and thought you might be the bad guy, after all.”
Oh. She thought—Does that mean he gives off that impression? Did he actually come across as that threatening? Does he seem like someone who would assist a salarian in such bodily dysmorphic crimes? He shakes his head.
“I see,” he speaks up, finally finding his voice and breathing deep. “I’ll do what I can to no come across as such.”
“I don’t think it’s your problem. I think it’s just…me.”
He’s not sure that helps him to feel any better. “Shepard—”
“You don’t owe me any other explanations.”
Except it’s difficult not to give explanations when she’s still missing three and half years of her life. I want my memories back. I don’t want to be in the dark. Hearing her say that brings him a sense of relief. Yet… Frankly, even he feels some of those memories would be better off staying forgotten. That’s not your decision to make. He knows that. He hadn’t been trying to make the decision for her, just—Hmm…
Liara had asked him to reach out to her and go to Thessia after finding Shepard. I’ll reach out to our old friend. Garrus thinks that may be for the best. Perhaps Liara will be able to point them in the right direction.
Shepard catches him looking at her and he finds himself unable to care. He’s spent the last three months without her, after all. So, he holds her gaze. Steady. Intense. Spirits, he wants nothing more than to go over to her and—
His mandibles slacken and he forces his eyes to the terminal. No. He can’t do that. So long as her memories are gone, she’s not his. Even if he’s still in love with her…
He can’t have her like this.