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I am here, you are there
Love is our cross to bear
Alan was sinking, gasping for air as the water swirled over his head. There was roaring in his ears and he tried to grab out at anything that would stop him being swept further away by the current. Suddenly something loomed at him through the murky water its yellow teeth bared, he opened his mouth but could only let out a silent scream. Then he felt himself surfacing and gasping in ragged breaths. He opened his eyes.
He was in a dark room, in a narrow bed. He tried to sit up but his head felt too heavy. As he steadied his breathing he could hear noises in the distance; footsteps, voices and the muffled sound of an alarm.
A grip of panic propelled him upright and he groped around blindly for a light. He put his feet on the floor, testing its surface and took two steps before everything upended and he slammed heavily onto the floor.
The room burst into light and there were footsteps and voices, hands pulled him to a sitting position.
‘What ARE you doing Dr Grant?’ asked a strident female voice.
‘I was…..the river….…where am I?’ Alan looked around, he saw the hospital bed and the two nurses beside him in uniform. He tried to stand up again.
With the help of both nurses Alan got himself back into bed.
‘Where am I?’ he asked again.
The nurse was a middle-aged black woman. ‘You’re in Howard University Hospital’ she said, standing with her hands on her ample hips.
‘You’ve got several broken ribs, dehydration and we’re a bit worried about your low blood pressure. So don’t get out of bed without pressing your buzzer first Dr Grant.’
Alan knew she was not someone to be disobeyed.
When the nurses had gone Alan lay in the dim light, fully awake now. He thought about the past few days and how close he and Billy had come to not making it off the island. His thoughts turned as they always did to Ellie. It was only a week ago that he’d been at her house for supper, spending a few hours as part of her family. He thought about Mark, the two men hadn’t spoken much but Alan had liked what he saw and Ellie had seemed happy. But he remembered Ellie’s face as he backed out of her driveway and her smile that hadn’t reached her eyes; he could still read her like a book. He shook his head to get rid of the image; she had her husband, kids and a lovely house. She even had the damned macaw.
The next time Alan woke up sun was streaming through the windows. A nurse brought him some breakfast and helped him out of bed so he could walk to the toilet. He hated this level of dependency and wondered how soon he could get himself out of here.
Just as he was dozing off again the door opened and Ellie walked in.
He looked up in surprise ‘hey!’
‘Hi there thought I’d come and check you were ok.’
She took in his pale colour, the laceration on his forehead and the bruising that spread across his shoulder.
‘How’re you feeling?’
‘I’ll be better when I get out of here.’ he grumbled.
‘How much longer will they keep you in?’
‘They say I’m dehydrated, got to stay here another 48 hours.’ he said sullenly as if the medical services had conspired to make his life as difficult as possible.
‘Gives you a chance to rest’ she said sitting down.
‘Ellie, you know I don’t do resting.’
She raised her eyebrows in mock disapproval ‘hmm, don’t I just.’
There was a pause, ‘I still don’t know what happened, Alan. How you ended up on site B?’
Alan sighed running his hand over the blanket as he told her about being tricked by the Kirbys, about the plane crash and finding Eric.
‘You always seem to find a kid to rescue’ she smiled ‘for a man who doesn’t like children….’
She saw the look of pain that crossed his face and immediately berated herself for being so insensitive.
‘I’m sorry Alan, I shouldn’t have said that.’
‘He was a great kid’ Alan said, sparing her discomfort, ‘just a pity about his parents.’
There was an awkward silence which Ellie broke with a change of subject.
‘What’s the food like in here?’
‘I don’t know I haven’t eaten much of it, I’ve kinda lost my appetite.’
He looked up and smiled as she started to say something ‘I know Ellie, I know…’
She shook her head at him, ‘I’ll bring you some snacks.’
She’s planning to come back.
They settled into easy conversation.
Alan told her about what he was working on at the dig site and Ellie could feel the old excitement rising as she questioned him eagerly. After a while he gave a heavy sigh and leaned back on his pillow.
‘Oh I’m sorry, Alan, I’m tiring you out.’
‘Yeah, you were always good at that,’ he muttered, aware he was treading close to the line.
Ellie swatted his arm playfully but the air was suddenly tense between them, Alan looked down at his hands.
‘Does Mark mind you being here Ellie?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘You know what I mean. Does your husband mind you visiting your ex boyfriend in hospital?’
‘I don’t think he sees it like that’ she said quietly. ‘Alan, Mark doesn’t decide what I can and can’t do. He knows you’re an old friend, so no I don’t think he minds, he hasn’t said so.’
‘But still…’
‘He doesn’t know….‘
‘What?’
‘Well, he doesn’t know how..um serious we were, I don’t think he knows that.’
‘Oh! I don’t know if that’s good or bad.’
‘Can we talk about something else?’
The next day Ellie arrived with a bagful of food. Alan was touched that she had brought all his favourites. ‘You still remember what I like’ he said as Ellie unpacked it all into his bedside drawer.
‘Of course I do, you told me often enough.’
She handed him a thermos flask.
‘What’s this?’ he asked unscrewing the lid.
‘Homemade chicken soup’ my Grandma swears by it as a cure for any ailment.
Alan gave a moan of pleasure as he sipped the cup of hot rich broth.
‘Grandmas are usually right, particularly yours.’
Ellie remembered her Grandma taking her aside after she’d brought Alan to meet her to say ‘that boy is the one for you Ellie, I can tell. So just make sure you hold onto him.’
She bit her lip, desperately trying to push the memory away, ‘how long are you going to be here for?’ she asked trying to get back into safe territory.
‘I don’t know, not much longer I hope. I’ll see the doctor later today and see what she says.’
‘And where will you go?’
‘I don’t know I hadn’t thought about it, maybe back to Choteau for a bit.’
‘You’ve still got the house?’ he’d been talking about selling his townhouse for as long as she’d known him.
Alan didn’t reply
He watched her lips as she took a sip of her wine. He couldn’t resist her, he was a moth drawn to her light. He leaned in and pressed his lips on hers, teasing and tasting.
‘Mmmm good vintage, sweet, fruity’ he murmured as his tongue chased hers. His hands were firm on her hips and she lifted her other hand to his neck, kissing him harder. Alan moaned and pushed her backwards; Ellie squealed as her back hit the wall and she twisted away from him.
‘Alan! Oh my God Alan, I’m sorry’.
He saw the splash of red wine on the white wall.
‘Let me get a cloth’ she started to walk off to the kitchen.
He grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him. ‘Leave it’ he growled kissing down her neck. ‘Leave it, it doesn’t matter, I can paint over it.’ He ran his hands under her t-shirt and up across her back.
He’d never painted over the stain and he’d never taken down the framed Cezanne print in the bedroom that she’d loved and he’d found depressing. He’d never thrown out the hideous vase she’d bought at a yard sale and he’d never replaced the bathroom mirror which had a crack on the bottom where she’d thrown his razor at him in frustration during a row.
He couldn’t bear to part from any of the memories of that one happy summer they’d spent living at the house while he’d had a temporary teaching programme at the university.
He looked up at her now, she was the same Ellie, but no longer his Ellie.
‘I never seemed to get round to selling it.’ he said.
Ellie looked at him with concern, ‘Alan, come and stay with me, with us, just for a week, until you’re recovered’
‘Oh Ellie, I’m fine, I’ll take it easy for a bit but I’m ok’
‘Alan, please, I worry about you.’
Alan thought of all the answers he could give to that, well maybe you shouldn’t have left me then . He swallowed down his bitterness and smiled at her, taking her hand in his. ‘I know you do Ellie, and I appreciate it, but I will be alright.’
Her look of sadness almost broke him, he wanted to pull her into his arms, he was so tempted to say that yes he would come and stay, just for more time spent with her, but he knew that seeing her with Mark and her children was more than he could bear.
‘At least think about it’ Ellie said.
‘I will.’
Ellie got up to leave, she leaned in and kissed his cheek.
’I’ll be back tomorrow.’
‘Yeah’ was all Alan could manage to say.
The following afternoon Ellie turned up at the hospital as usual and made her way to Alan’s room. She stopped short when she saw that the bed was empty and the room clearly unoccupied. At the nurse’s station she asked ‘Alan Grant? Has he been moved.’
‘He’s gone.’ said the nurse. Ellie felt her heart squeeze in panic and seeing her look of shock the nurse said ‘gone home. He discharged himself this morning.’
She hesitated, ‘are you Ellie Sattler?’
‘Yes’
‘The nurse started rifling through some papers on the desk in front of her, she handed her an envelope, ‘he left this for you.’
Ellie was numb as she walked out to her car, she fought hard to staunch the tears that threatened to fall. She sat in her car turning the envelope over in her hands, knowing that whatever he’d written would only bring her more pain. Eventually she took a deep breath and tore the envelope open. The sight of Alan’s familiar handwriting made her heart ache.
Dear Ellie
I couldn’t face seeing you again and this seemed the best way to let you know. I can’t come and stay with you and Mark, it wouldn’t be fair to you or him and it wouldn’t be fair to me. I can’t watch you have everything you wanted knowing that it could have been with me if only I had had the courage to take the risk. I will regret that decision for the rest of my life.
Ellie, I don’t think I thanked you properly for getting me off that island. I still feel foolish at being tricked into going there. Please thank Mark as well.
I have so much to thank you for Ellie, you made me the happiest man in the world for four years and I wouldn’t change that for anything even though it makes it more painful to have to live without you.
I really do wish you and your family every happiness and please don’t worry about me, my injuries are minor and I will look after myself.
I don’t know when we’ll meet again but please, take care of yourself and if you ever need anything, I’m here for you.
Be happy Ellie.
All my love
Alan X
Ellie didn’t even try to hold back her tears now, they spilled onto the paper and the steering wheel. When there were no tears left she wiped her eyes with her sleeve and tried to compose herself. She knew that she had to get on with her life, and that Alan Grant was part of her past; a past she had chosen to walk away from. As her sobs subsided she thought about her children and immediately felt the warmth of knowing that on some level things were good.
She forced herself to think about Mark, his kind eyes and the fact that he made her feel safe. That was why in the end she had married him, for the security he offered. She did love him, and he was a great father, but…she shook away the thoughts but a niggling voice in her head told her that she and Mark were not going to grow old together. For now though she had him and her precious children and her lovely house and her job, and it was enough, it had to be.
She pushed away the image of a man with a lopsided grin who always looked at her with such love and pride. She tried not to think about him in a lonely trailer in Montana, wishing for a future that was so different to the one he had chosen.
However as Ellie drove away she knew with a sad certainty that although her life would have many moments of joy she would never be fully whole; that there would always be an empty space in her heart.
She turned her car onto the highway and headed for home.
And so it is until we meet again
And I throw my arms around you
You can count the grey hairs in my head
I’ll still be thankful that I found you.