Chapter Text
Alice was frantic. Seeing Bette break down at her launch party moments before sent her into a frenzied panic, for Bette to cry in public, to sink down to the nearest chair like all the fight had been drained from her… well.
The fuck just happened.
Alice had never seen anything like that before, not from Bette anyway, never from Bette. She was able to find them somewhere quiet to talk, to hear from Bette how she thought she ruined Tina’s relationship with Carrie, how Tina must hate her now. After getting Bette into her car and watching the taillights fade in the distance, Alice went in search of Shane. She had a few questions. A few really important questions. And Shane was going to answer each one. Alice was pissed.
The lights were off at Dana’s, the door locked. By all appearance no one was there. But Alice had a key, she had a key to everyone’s house and the bar was no exception. Entering through the back door, she found her friend alone at the bar, the lights low with empty bottles of beer still sitting untouched on the tables. A bottle of whiskey sat opened in front of Shane and she was sipping from a tumbler, unsurprised to see Alice appear.
“Shane. Shane! What the fuck? Why would you not tell Tina that Carrie was having cold feet, that she drank too much the other night? And the things she said to Bette! Shane!? They are your friends…”
“What the fuck, Al? Not now, please. Tess left me tonight. I told Bette at the store when we were buying presents. Bette has moved on…I did all I could…”
“The fuck she has, Shane. Do you even know her anymore? She is lost without Tina. Lost. And you kept this from her, from Tina. Why would you do that? Do you have any idea what you’ve done?” Shane was desolate over losing Tess, the last in a long string of lost relationships. Pulling the story from Shane was about as easy as saving those lobsters and a lot less fun but pull it she did.
An hour later, Alice left with answers to all the questions she had arrived with. Answers that made her gut clench. Information that Tina needed, Bette too. Time was running out; Alice was scheduled to get on a plane with Tom tomorrow. She had to reach Tina, and soon.
“Un-fucking-believable, Shane!” she yelled on her way out the bar, Tina’s phone ringing and ringing, the night getting late. “Fuck, TK. Answer your goddamn phone…where the fuck are you?”
***
Carrie shouldered past a small group of people blocking the exit from the restaurant where the Launch party was held, fishing in her coat jacket for her keys, fumbling with her cell. Her feet struggled to find a straight line and someone snickered behind her, her eyes narrowing at the sound. Pulling on the door that required a push, she swore loudly, colorfully, the snickers now words…”oh my God, is she ok?”
A glare put the questioner in place, the door now opening when she pushed, the sounds of Tina’s heels clicking on the floor behind her propelling her on.
Carrie’s head was swirling. The anger rising like the tide. Inevitable. She should have known. The audacity of that Bette Porter, the fucking nerve. Carrie had had enough. Enough of LA, enough of the big, glittery white smiles and the long fake eyelashes, enough of tailored clothes that cost more than her mortgage, enough of the beautiful people, the cleavage.
“Carrie! Wait… Carrie, please…”
Carrie whirled on the sidewalk suddenly, catching Tina off guard, rounding on her, her finger already pointing, in Tina’s face, her mouth a snarl. “I knew it would happen sooner or later. I knew she would try to drag you back…I told you…”
Tina’s arms went up immediately. This was bad, very bad. And embarrassing, in public. She tried to pacify, knowing the drill. This was not the first time Carrie drank too much. Not the first time Tina had to get her quickly to the car. It may be the most public arena where Carrie behaved like this… but it was not Tina’s first rodeo. Not by a long shot.
“Let’s go home, ok? Let’s just go home…”
But Carrie was just getting started. Her anger now becoming a rage, white hot.
“You still love her, Tina. I know you do…I will always be third…” Arms wide, Carrie slurred, the alcohol hitting her all of a sudden, her voice rising and a couple passing by slowed to look at her, gaping.
“What the fuck you looking at? Keep walking, that’s it… keep walking to the beautiful event in your beautiful clothes….fuck off…” The couple walked away faster, whispering to each other.
“Carrie, please. Stop it. That was Alice’s Executive Producer… please, let’s go. Give me your keys…now Carrie. Now.”
Carrie’s voice took on a mocking tone, a tone Tina knew spelled trouble for the night. “Don’t Carrie, stop Carrie, please Carrie, that’s all I ever hear. You know what I don’t hear? Don’t Bette, stop Bette, calm down Bette…” She found her keys, turning to walk to the car, stumbling on the curb as she entered the parking lot. “Nooooo. I never hear that. Heaven fucking forbid that the great Bette Porter behave…”
“Give me the keys, Carrie…”
They reached the car as Carrie shrugged off Tina’s hand, fumbling with the keys, turning to face her.
“Carrie. You promised me. You promised you wouldn’t drink tonight. This was Alice’s night… and it was important to her…important to me.”
“Alice? Who the fuck cares about that? She gave me a mug. A mug Tina! But didn’t come out to see me when I visited, had her assistant give me the fucking mug. Who gives a fuck…”
“Who are you Carrie? Stop it. This is…”
“Well… I know who you are. Haven’t I been telling you? You still love Bette. Admit it…and she loves you. Shiny happy people holding hands…” Carrie dropped the keys, took a step back to get balance, one hand out to anchor herself on the car. “Over and over, I have been telling you….”
“You ok there, Miss?” A flashlight beamed on them as Tina stood up, the keys in her hand. “Having some car trouble?”
“We’re fine. We are. Fine. Thank you, Officer. Get in the car, Carrie. Please…”
“You sure? I can call you a cab…”
Carrie stepped toward him, smiling. “She’s fine. She’s with me, walk away now Officer Nosy…”
“Carrie! We are just leaving, Sir. Get in the car, ok? Carrie, get in the car…fuck. Carrie. Please…”
“Ma’am, she clearly can’t drive. Are you driving? Can you show me license and proof of registration, please?
It only got worse the farther they drove away from the event, Tina’s mind working furiously to unravel the evening. Bette, oh God. Bette. How was Carrie so drunk? When did that happen? Tina wanted to cry, she wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out, she wanted to scream. Scream loud enough to let out all the months of pent up frustration and anger and hurt.
Tonight could not have gone any worse. Being questioned by a police officer as Carrie threw up behind her and guests from Alice’s event walked by… guests she knew?
And Bette. Jesus. What have I done?
Somewhere, somehow Carrie produced a small bottle of vodka, two quick shots and it was emptied, thrown to the floor of the car. Then the verbal onslaught began. Tina had heard it all before and she rolled her eyes, none of this was new. But usually, it was not delivered with the venom Carrie was hissing out now, not with the punctuated fists banging on the dashboard, the look in her fiancé’s eyes.
“You’re scaring me, Carrie. There’s a water bottle in the glove compartment… have some water…”
Carrie reached in her pocket to pull out another small bottle of vodka, blowing Tina a wet kiss as she opened it, drained it.
“How could you even marry her? What a bitch…”
“Don’t talk about her like that. I’ve told you before, don’t talk about Bette like that. I don’t like it.”
“Whatever. Being around her is like having my teeth pulled. I told her that, you know? I told her that being around her was painful….”
“What are you talking about? When? When did you say that?”
“At that poker night. It’s true. She’s a fucking nightmare and you….you have her on this fucking pedestal… this Bette fucking Porter throne of beauty….you don’t expect me to measure up do you? Fuck you. Fuck her… you must think I’m a fucking idiot…”
“Stop it Carrie. We are almost home. I will make you that tea you like, you can sleep it off. Then we need to talk Carrie. Really talk…”
But Carrie kept on…and on. How she couldn’t cope with Tina’s friends, how Tina was always choosing Bette, how Angie should come live with them before Bette ruined her. That she talked to Angie about it, that she wanted Angie to agree with her that her mom was difficult to live with, didn’t understand her.
“What? You said that to Angie? Carrie. My God. You have fucking crossed the line. I can’t fucking believe you. You had no right, do you fucking hear me? No right to talk to Angie about Bette!”
“Why the fuck not? Angie knows. Angie knows I got her, that I know Bette is difficult...”
Tina almost drove off the side of the road, her anger blinding her. “Don’t talk about her that way… Carrie, please. We’ve talked about this… come on, look… we are home. Do you need help getting out of the car?
“Help… I don’t need your help. Why don’t you go help Bette. Go… on… just go… run to Bette, don’t even let me know when you run to her…leave me hanging, number three…“
Once inside, it only got worse, a nasty fall, a slew of expletives, a push that almost knocked Tina down. Then… finally, blessedly, Carrie on her stomach half dressed on the bed. Finally passed out with one shoe on, laying sideways. Tina sinking to the carpet by the bed, shaken, rattled. She could no longer excuse this behavior.
The silence screamed at Tina. Screamed the reality of the situation. A harsh reality that she had been denying for so long. For too long. Her engagement ring came off easily, the note simple but to the point.
“We are over, Carrie. Over. I will cancel the vendors tomorrow and pay the balance. Call your sponsor. Go to a meeting. Deal with your demons. I’m done.”
And she did what she was good at, she left. Her phone buzzed in her purse, the car starting easily. She had no bags, no destination, no plan. She wanted Bette, knew she needed Bette Porter like never before. But going to her was out of the question. Her phone buzzed again. Alice.
“Al?”
“Tina. God. Where the fuck are you, I called you nine times…”
“Al…”
“Tee. What? Are you ok? Tina? Where are you? Stay there, ok? I am on my way. Ten minutes. Don’t hang up, talk to me while I drive…can’t talk?... breathe heavily then…”
***
It was Alice who helped Tina leave Carrie that night. Alice who found Tina sitting in the car outside her home, in shock, crying, shaking. Alice who went inside to pack Tina’s clothes in two large suitcases, a smaller makeup bag over her shoulder. Carrie snoring as she grabbed everything in sight. Alice who drove them to a hotel, filled a bath, got Tina in the tub. Alice who sat with the blonde through the night, listening as Tina talked, finally talked.
“I am so sorry, Alice. I have been a terrible friend, we barely speak. I’ve neglected you. I didn’t come to your book reading… ”
“Tee. Why? Why didn’t you tell anyone how bad it was? Is? None of us knew. None of us knew Carrie was an alcoholic. If we had known…”
“Who would I have reached out to? I mangled things so badly with Bette. Hurt her beyond repair. Why would she want to talk to me? She doesn’t want me back, she doesn’t even love me anymore. I made this mess, I had to deal with it.”
Tina was sitting dejectedly on the bed in her pajamas, a glass of wine her hand. The tears had dried, the shaking stopped. Alice sat across from her, leaning forward.
“This is Bette we are talking about, Tina! Bette. You guys belong together. You always have. At the very least she will listen to you.”
“You really think that? After everything? I hurt her Alice. Badly. Again.”
“Talk to her, Tina! For the love! Tell her everything. Listen to me, I have something to tell you, Tee. From Shane…”
They talked long into the night, the first edges of dawn peeking on the horizon when Tina’s eyes finally closed and she fell into an exhausted sleep.
***
Just as Tina was falling asleep in a hotel room across town, Bette woke with the sun. It was the morning of the CAC show, where Pippa’s art would be showcased after being hidden away for so long. It was a pivotal moment in Bette’s career, a moment to be proud of. And yet. Her heart hurt.
Hurt for Tina and the way things evolved at the Launch party for Alice’s book. She felt terrible, kicking herself for choosing that moment to talk to Tina, to follow up on the question of whether she still loved the blonde. Of course she still loved Tina, she would always love her. But Tina needed to hear that it was time to move on, she was the one getting married after all and Bette had absolutely no interest in ruining the relationship with Carrie.
And yet.
She also hurt for Pippa. Bette admired the artist, respected her. But in her heart of hearts… when she really searched herself… it just didn’t compare. Coming to terms with the fact that she would never again experience the kind of love she had with Tina had been a difficult pill to swallow. Tina made her feel alive. But Tina had made her choice. And though Bette loved her desperately, she had to let her go.
A few brief texts with Pippa told her all she needed to know. Pippa would not play second fiddle to Tina. Pippa was a strong, Black, beautiful woman whose career was about to blow up. She had no time for entanglements, for messy relationships, for drama. She was proud of the work they had created, of the change they implemented in the art community. For so long Bette had chased the idea of Pippa Pascal. Yearned to meet her, learn from her, just be in the same room as her.
Endlessly she talked to Tina about Pippa, even brought her to an early show. It was a time of tremendous growth for Bette, long before she was the person she became. Pippa would always be important to Bette, their time together would always be special, meaningful. Pippa helped rediscover her passion for art, for advocacy . And she knew that she mattered to the artist, knew Pippa held her in high regard. It stung, that Pippa had called her out on her feelings for Tina the other morning.
“Something about you and Tina makes me feel some kind of way…”
Bette felt bad that Pippa even had to bring it up, and she had rebuffed the very idea that the artist had anything to worry about. She hoped they could at least have a friendship, a collaboration.
Her thoughts returned to Tina, to the argument with Carrie. But that was too much of a mess to untangle right now. And so Bette did the only thing she knew to do. She got up to go to work. Despite it being a Saturday, she was needed at Marcus’s house to disseminate his art as the curator for his collection. It would be a long day and Angie would surely have plans. A part of her looked forward to losing herself in the art, the categorizing and packing would take most of the day.
But first, coffee.
***
Angie was just having breakfast when her phone buzzed, and she picked it up, surprised that Carrie would be texting her outside the group text with Mama T.
“Hey kiddo. You free today? Need to do some secret wedding stuff for Tina. You in? Keep it quiet!”
Angie shrugged, checked her last text from Kayla, Jordy. Both busy today.
“Sure. LMK what time…”
“I have no idea what LMK means but I’ll pick you up in an hour. Can you meet me at the library? Top secret!”
Angie sent a thumbs up. Mama B was doing some art thing all day anyway. It would be nice to be involved in the spoiling of Mama Tee, nice to be included in the wedding preparations. This could be fun, Angie decided.
***
Tina slept poorly. Exhausted at first, she woke after only a couple of hours only to toss and turn. She must have dozed off at some point because she woke to Alice using the restroom, morning just breaking.
“You awake, TK? I ordered room service, this coffee sucks. My flight leaves this evening… will you stay here? You could, you know put it on your tab…”
“I need your help today, Alice. I need to cancel the wedding vendors, the florist, the band, the photographer. Pay everyone, let the guest list know. I… I can’t put this off. I need to do it today. Carrie will be looking for me, she will… she will be persuasive. I want it over. There is no going back after last night.”
“Ok. Start a list. I need coffee then let the cancellations begin!”
Tina smiled weakly, getting out of bed. Her back hurt. Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. “Thanks, Al. You are a good friend. Most of it can be done from the wedding website. Can you pull it up? Log in with my email… the password is chicwaffles… don’t ask.”
Closing the bathroom door, Tina looked in the mirror. She didn’t recognize herself. Dark circles under her eyes, puffy eyelids and a pale face stared back her. Washing her face, she felt better. But it was going to be a long day and she was no closer to talking to Bette.
They accomplished a lot. Alice winced as Tina’s credit card was charged each time something got cancelled, most vendors not open to negotiating this close to the date and Tina didn’t seem to want to draw it out. “Geez, TK. This is going to cost you a fortune. Keep the room on my tab…”
“It’s priceless given what I was about to do, Al. Who’s next?"
***
“Too sexy for this world… too sexy for this ice… too sexy for that Jack….” Angie belted along with the music, her Spotify playlist loud in the car. Carrie was a blast to be with. Several large shopping bags filled the back seat, all for her. Tina’s gift was somewhere back there too but it was only in hindsight that Angie realized most of the day had been spent on buying her new things, not focused on Tina.
And weirdly, Carrie kept asking her to text her Mama T, saying something was wrong with her phone. Wanting to know where the blonde was, so they could “surprise” her. Adults are weird, Angie thought, and she paused to sing along for a minute, her hands moving in the air. “Too sexy for that trap…”
“Text your Mama Tee again there Angie. She’s not answering me but ask her where she is…. We can bring her a milkshake…”
“A milkshake? You crazy, Carrie. Mama Tee won’t want a milkshake, let’s get her a cobb salad!”
“Ok, fine. Text her, don’t tell her it’s us. She thinks I’m working today….” There was an edge to this request, Carrie shaking her empty Yeti cup. Time for a refill.
She turned to look when Angie’s phone went off.
“Angie, I love you Sugar. I will stop by this evening after dinner ok?”
“It’s all cool, Carrie. Mama Tee will stop by the house this evening. B will be at the CAC opening. So you can surprise her then…”
I knew it, Carrie thought. I knew Tina would go running to Bette, does she think I’m a fucking idiot?
“Need to stop here for some gas kiddo and my drinks all gone. Then what do you say we head to the Apple store?”
“YASS Qween!” Angie laughed, mid selfie as she turned the volume higher.
***
The van from the center showed up to begin the task of crating and loading the paintings in the studio Marcus worked from. Bette was surprised by the scale and complexity of the work, there were many pieces that would sell easily and for large amounts. Prints of all sizes were found in one closet and one just finished piece took her breath away, but needed a final coat of varnish before it could be moved. The ones that were ready for travel were marked and Bette began the process of scheduling the upcoming week, to finalizing the pieces that would remain until they too could be removed.
It was a tremendous honor to take his work through this final journey and she had nearly cried when she received the phone call from his widow days before. Everything was moving so quickly in her life right now… Pippa and the event tonight just one of the intersecting relationships that seemed to be in limbo. Alice would be leaving for her book tour today, Shane not returning her phone calls after Tess left and…. Tina. Tina. Pausing, Bette thought back to the conversation last night that set Carrie off. Tina’s reaction to her fiancé had surprised Bette, she did not ever remember Tina acting so desperate to calm the situation, almost like she was worried about Carrie’s temper. Shaking her head to clear it of the memory, Bette opened the last cabinet, the one marked “for Angie” and could not believe her eyes at the single painting it contained.
With a cobalt blue background and vivid colors it was a large painting of the face of a young girl that contained a remarkable likeness to Angie. Bette gasped, almost afraid to touch it and pull it out, spellbound. It was breathtaking. The girl’s hair was caught in the wind and she was staring off in the distance… proud, brave, strong. This was a girl who knew the way of things, who knew she was loved, who met the world head on. Fierceness wrapped in a promise, her whole life ahead of her. “My God…” Bette said, all her pent-up emotions threatening to bubble to the surface and she drew it out of the cabinet with hands that shook, so moved was she was by the painting. The simple nameplate on the bottom captured everything this painting was and would be…”Her”…
“This is an incredible gift…” she thought, her next impulse to call Tina, show her, to dissect and process the meaning of each line with her, hear what the blonde saw in the painting. Tina would understand the significance of a work like this, a gift like this.
But Tina was… where exactly. Probably inexplicably and frustratingly with Carrie.
“Please wrap this one too but put it in my car. This one is very special…” she told her assistant, who took it from her carefully, nodding.
***
Angie came home in high spirits, her shopping bags hid away upstairs, Carrie adamant that her moms not know where she had been all day, not know the wedding secrets. Later she would reflect on the fact that very little wedding shopping had actually happened, that the afternoon was mostly spent buying her things and trying to get Mama Tee to tell them where she was. And Carrie started acting weird, towards the end. She ran a red light, missed a stop sign. “Whoops -eee- doo...” she said, laughing… on to the next stop.
Hearing Bette downstairs, Angie realized she was hungry. They had only gone through a drive through, Carrie weaving through the parking lot of several hotels as they ate. Oh well, B was downstairs and Angie could order take out or make something quick….
***
The airport was busy, but Tina found a spot in front of the airline check in area. “I don’t think thank you is adequate, Al. But you… I will never forget how you helped me last night. And today. I owe you big time.”
“Hush, Tee. You don’t owe me anything. I’m your best friend, right?”
“Yes. But, still. No more hiding. From you. From anyone. It’s time I took control of my own life, whatever that means….”
“Talk to her. She loves you. She may not want to try again, but she loves you. And you need all the friends you can get right now.” Alice laughed, her typical sunshine laugh that reminded Tina of all the years they had talked like this. She realized how badly she missed her friend.
“I love you, Al. Enjoy your book tour, eat up all the attention and acclaim. Can I call you? I don’t ever want to go so long without talking to you again.”
“Are you kidding TK? Call me, text me, message me, snapchat me. All the things. I love you too. There’s Tom! Gotta go, first class is calling!”
Reaching for Alice’s hand, Tina pulled her in for a long hug, both sighing into the embrace. Both feeling the connection, the lost time.
“Part of me wants to stay. To see the look on Porter’s face when you arrive at her door…” Alice giggled, pulling away as Tom opened her door. “Love you, Tee. So much…”
“Love you too. Hey Tom! Take care of her…”
Tina watched as Tom took control of Alice’s bags, effortlessly maneuvering the talkative blonde towards the revolving door as Alice chatted nonstop, blowing a kiss to Tina before the doors closed behind her.
Merging into traffic, Tina checked the time. She told Angie she would stop by. The question now was would she stop by after Bette left for the CAC or would she ask the brunette for ten minutes before she left. It was getting late, and a decision needed to be made. It was time for big moves.
***
The white suit fit her perfectly, nothing too flashy, professional but classic. Bette stood in front of the mirror and took in her appearance. She needed some rest, and nothing could help the ache in her heart but neither of these facts were visible, this outfit would do. She had exchanged a few texts with Pippa over the course of the last hour and the artist knew Bette may not make it to the opening but was warm in her understanding that the brunette had to sort through not only the work from Marcus but also sort out her personal life.
Angie was so sweet earlier when Bette showed her the painting from Marcus. So understanding and supportive that Bette sighed, looking for a small purse to bring with her. “We don’t know how much time we have. Sometimes you gotta make big moves…” the teenager said and Bette agreed. It was time.
***
Tina stood, riveted to the spot, her feet glued to the porch in front of Bette’s door. Their door. No. Bette’s door. Her feelings were still raw, like when a band aid gets ripped off a long festering scab and she knew. She fucking knew. Deep down in the depths in her heart she knew she had some explaining to do. The responsibility to fix this was on her and her alone.
Lights flicked on in the window next to the door, the small landing by the stairs perhaps, lights meant someone was moving around in that room and Bette’s car was still in the driveway… so odds were that it was her ex-wife… Jesus that never got easy to say… Bette was home. And on the other side of this door.
Turing to leave, like the coward she was, the words Bette said reared up in her mind again. “Shane asked me what would happen if you showed at my door…”
Well, dammit. Here she was.
It was now or never.
Turning back towards the door again, Tina took deep breath, lifting her hand to knock when the door opened of it’s own accord, and there… Jesus God and all the angels too… there stood Bette Porter. Former best friend, lover, wife, soul mate, entire world.
Wearing a white pant suit that fit her like a glove, Bette looked sensational, and all the air seeped out of Tina’s lungs like a popped balloon.
“What are you doing here?” Bette asked, stunned.
Words, Tina needed the right words… words that would become sentences that would form into paragraphs. Words that would unlock this stalemate she felt in her heart, words that would matter.
“Can I come in?” Start there, start with feet walking in, start with that.
Like a movie screen, Tina watched as every emotion played across Bette’s beautiful face, every emotion laid bare for Tina to see, to identify.
Shock.
Acknowledgement.
Regret.
Hope.
Fear.
And the realization that she had never seen fear on Bette’s face before hit Tina’s gut like a sucker punch. Bette was afraid… afraid of what Tina being on her porch could mean. Did mean.
Quickly replaced, the fear morphed into disappointment then Bette swallowed thickly, exhaled deeply, stepping aside just enough for Tina to pass her and enter the hallway of their… no…. of Bette’s house. Not wanting to see the swirls of confusion in Bette’s eyes, Tina numbly went into the living room, taking her coat off as she went, noting new artwork on the wall leading to the staircase, hearing the quiet hum of the dishwasher, seeing the absence of a family picture that always sat on the bookshelf by the door to the half bath.
Bette followed the blonde into the living room, watching as Tina sunk into the couch, the same couch they had bought all those years ago, made love on, napped on, snuggled on during family movie night. She seemed smaller, somehow, the vulnerable Tina from so long ago.
Checking her watch, Bette sat on an ottoman across from Tina. Close enough to hear what the blonde had to say but not close enough to touch her. She waited, her heart lodged firmly in her throat, waited as Tina gathered her thoughts, her courage, her humility.
The blonde head rose, hazel eyes open and clear, soft. “I don’t know where to begin, Bette. I am deathly afraid I will fuck this all up. I know you are on your way out, to the CAC for the exhibition….” She waited for the small nod from the brunette, sighing. “… I am not here to ask you to stay. I want you to go, I am so proud of you….”
“Then… why are you here?”
“Bette, I. I have been so lost. For so long…”
Bette watched her. Noting the lines around the eyes, the way Tina wrung her hands, the slope of her shoulders. That Tina was beautiful was never in doubt but tonight she looked… broken.
“I was fighting for all the wrong things… “ Tina continued, trying to explain the inexplicable. “I told you I needed space when in reality I needed… proximity… I needed… you. I ran. I hid. I caused immeasurable destruction. I hurt you. I hurt Angie.”
“Tina…” It always crushed Bette to see this side of Tina, this side that self-depreciated. That caused doubt. Her instinct was to reassure but she reined that in, deciding to just let Tina speak.
“No. I know you need to go. And you should, Bette. You should go. This is a big night for you, for Angie. And I am so proud of you. Of what you’ve accomplished. Can I? Can I just have five more minutes? Please?”
“I don’t think I can do this, Tina. Not anymore…it’s too hard...”
“Wait. Please? You have every right to distrust my intentions. Our last conversations… have been awful, the truth is I am flailing. Can I just… tell you something? And then you can go?”
Bette took a deep breath, then another. Her heart, aching all day, hurt for years, seemed to be having trouble beating and her stomach felt like it contained a small army of butterflies. She didn’t know if she needed to throw up or storm out of the house for fresh air. Or both. Instead, she nodded.
“Last night. When you came to talk to me at the Launch party, to ask me why I asked you if you were still in love with me… I couldn’t answer that question not then, not there. Not… with Carrie there. I was worried if she overheard… that she would be angry. The answer is… Bette, I asked that question because the truth is… I love you. I always have. I always will. I do, I love you. Wait, listen. I know I haven’t shown it, I know I have done everything to destroy that love, to destroy us. If you will let me, I would like to see you. Tomorrow. To explain. To talk, really talk.”
“Tee…”
“I don’t need an answer now. You need to go. You need to see the culmination of all the work you did to get Pippa’s art back on stage. Pippa Pascal, Bette. My God. You did that. Can we meet for breakfast? I broke off the engagement, Bette. The wedding is off. I would like a chance to talk to you, that’s all. To listen to you.”
She was rambling, there was so much to say. So much to atone for, to explain. Watching as Bette’s eyes softened, eyes that Tina used to be able to read like a book but were now guarded, thoughtful, Tina knew she could not breathe until Bette answered.
“Yes. We can meet for breakfast. Angie is here, upstairs. There’s some dinner on the stove cooling if you need to eat. I’ll text you, ok?”
Unable to help herself, Tina reached for Bette’s hand. Normally this was Bette’s thing, Bette always reached for her hand, always wanted that tactile touch, that reassurance. The brunette’s hand felt warm in her own, comforting and Bette held it, their eyes locking, hazel watery, chestnut curious, searching. Their fingers linked and Bette felt that familiar tug, a calmness settling over her like a comfortable blanket. It felt good holding Tina’s hand like this again. Really good.
And suddenly Bette Porter didn’t want to let go, she wanted to stay. Stay and hear more but Tina was right. Angie was right. This was an important night and she needed to talk to Pippa. She owed it to Pippa to have a conversation before anything happened with Tina.