A Stain that Won't Dissolve

by thespectaclesofthor

Summary:

Alex hates Sebastian – which is great because Sebastian more than returns the favour – and what starts out as revenge fantasy turns into unironic lust, which evolves into unrequited love. Alex gets a job, Sebastian marries the farmer, and both of them lose almost everything before finding each other again. A story of two mutual bullies who learn how to messily grow up.

Notes:

Yeah I'm not done with this fandom yet :D (God has it really been five years though, cue 'oh my god' Bob Belcher track). I have three chapters of this written already but they'll be going up with fairly big breaks because I'm juggling a few writing projects right now! I already know this will be a long-ish story though.

Notes: There are minor/NPC character deaths in chapters 1 and 2 (only these chapters) – Dusty the dog (in passing, from old age), and then Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George in chapter 2.

Significant: This story is Demetrius critical in a way that unfortunately perpetuates the stereotype of a negative/antagonist Black father figure (especially in regards to Sebastian) and while this is tagged for, it's easily missed. This is set up by ConcernedApe in SDV itself, but is something I continue. There is, however, a redemption arc as well as it being made clear that despite Demetrius' flaws, Sebastian is also an unreliable narrator at times. So take that as you will!

There is a playlist!

Chapter 1: Inaudible

In high school, Alex used to imagine forcing Sebastian to give him blowjobs. Revenge blowjobs. Sebastian was such a fucking asshole back then, even though everyone pointed their fingers at Alex as being the bully. But Sebastian could make anyone feel stupid, and the prime target for all of his snide, backhanded bullshit was Alex.

So Alex would imagine shoving him down onto his knees, pulling his dick out, and then getting his fingers into Sebastian’s mouth and just shoving in there. Some days in his imagination, Sebastian would struggle and hate it the whole way. But other days, Sebastian got really into it while Alex humiliated him, and told him that his mouth was better suited for shit like this.

Normal, right?

Alex could keep ogling girls or doing exercise in public spaces to show off his body – at least when it was good enough to show off – and he could imagine this because it was just a form of getting mental revenge, a way of dealing with his anger.

Nothing to do with his sexuality.

Except that six months later, Alex couldn’t come without imagining Sebastian on his knees, and girls were still hot as fuck, but weren’t really doing it for him when he had a hand around his dick anymore. So he decided to stop imagining revenge blowjobs, and that was when he realised he had a problem. A big problem.

Like a ‘maybe straight guys don’t constantly imagine revenge blowjobs’ problem.

In the end, it felt like Sebastian won again, taking Alex’s comfort in the knowledge he was straight, he was just like everyone else in Stardew Valley, he fit in, he belonged.

But he was into dudes. Worse, he was into Sebastian.

Fuck.

*

After high school, Alex kept mostly to himself. He still hung out with Haley because she said she felt safe around him.

‘You’re just so weirdly non-sexual,’ she said one day, while Alex manned the ice cream stand by the library-museum-whatever, even though hardly anyone got ice cream on the way there or back.

‘Thanks, Hales,’ Alex said, leaning against the pole of the large umbrella that offered shade and listening to the cicadas.

‘Not in a bad way,’ Haley said, giving him a look with her big, doe-like blue eyes. She leaned against the counter, her manicured fingernails looking fresh today. She’d ordered a kit off the internet a while back and did Jodi’s and Caroline’s nails for free, even though it always cost Haley money to do it. No way could she hustle with an attitude like that. She was too nice. Sort of.

‘In what kind of way then?’ Alex said.

‘I don’t know. I thought we’d hook up in high school, we flirted and everything, there was prom…but it never seemed like you were being gross or undressing me with your eyes, you know, the kind of thing- I’ve heard stories from friends outside Pelican Town. Guys are douches.’

‘Yep,’ Alex said. Sebastian included. If they saw each other – which they sometimes did, when Alex went to the gym – Sebastian still stared at him like he was utter trash. Sometimes he even muttered insults under his breath, and Alex never said a damn word. Sebastian with his stupid emo haircut and his shitty smoking habit and his constant goth…everything.

And Alex with his inability to jerk off without imagining asshole emo dudes.

‘It’s really not a bad thing,’ Haley said, sighing. ‘I’m trying to say you’re not like a lot of the other guys out there.’

‘Come on,’ Alex said. ‘Sam, Elliott and Sebastian don’t give you a hard time either, do they?’

‘No, I guess,’ Haley said. ‘But Sam is like forever-thirteen, and still giggles if anyone writes ‘boobies’ into a calculator. Elliott’s looking for a muse, for all I know it’s going to be the mermaid. Sebastian isn’t into anyone popular.’

‘He’s too good for us,’ Alex said, smirking.

‘He’s too good for the whole town. He’s not going to stay here.’

‘Bet,’ Alex said, and then laughed and put some of his grandparent’s money into the little rusty till so he could buy them both ice creams as the cicadas droned on.

*

Sebastian didn’t leave because the farmer came. Fucking Martingale Wentworth, who started cleaning up the overgrown farmer’s plot out by the bus and was way too business savvy for his own good. He wrapped the town around his little finger, changed everything, and within two years had destroyed Jojamart – the only cheap place to get a good variety of food because Pierre charged through the fucking roof – and brought back the community centre, which Alex could not have given less of a shit about.

In two years, Martingale and Sebastian were married. Married.

A strange feeling on the day of the wedding, watching the whole town come together to accept fucking goth emo nerd Sebastian, in a gay marriage with a fucking farmer. And everyone there telling Sebastian how brave he was, that he was the first in the Valley to be queer, and Alex stood off to the side with his grandparents, and Haley gave him worried looks from across the crowd.

Alex had never been smart, his dad always went out of his way to say so, and his high school grades reflected it. So he was too fucking stupid to know what emotions he was feeling, but if someone asked him, he would’ve said something had shattered. Something broke, that day, and he didn’t know what it was.

After the marriage his life didn’t seem harder, exactly, but it was bleak.

Sebastian moved out of the basement into Martingale’s house, and they became millionaires, because that farmer did fucking everything: he farmed, he mined, he fished, the guy was like a genius at anything he turned his hands to. Alex saw him sometimes, galloping around on his horse in the small hours of the morning. It was a good thing Sebastian liked to be alone, because it wasn’t like they were spending a ton of quality time together with the way Martingale worked.

The farmer didn’t like Alex, never had. Alex knew it was his fault, because he’d been hostile from the beginning, but rumours went that Sebastian had been even worse, Shane too, even Haley. It obviously wasn’t enough to stop Martingale from shagging Sebastian. And Shane fucking hero worshipped Martingale now. They were bros or something.

Before the marriage, Martingale had handed him a jar of black mayonnaise while on horseback, barely looking as Alex took it. Alex assumed it was charcoal enriched or something, he’d felt so grateful the farmer had given him anything at all, and then he’d ended up at Dr Harvey’s sick as a fucking dog after trying the smallest amount. He’d nearly died. And when Dr Harvey saw the jar of mayonnaise he didn’t even know what it was. Alex – weak and hooked up to an IV – said nothing. Maybe, maybe it was a mistake. Or maybe Martingale just hated his fucking ass.

After the marriage, Alex hardly saw Sebastian anymore, and that was that. Life went on, and Alex hated that his grandparents were getting older in ways that were harder to deal with. It reminded him of his mom. He got his driver’s licence because there came a point where Dr Harvey couldn’t give them the care they needed. Alex had to drive Grandpa George and Grandma Evelyn to Zuzu Hospital sometimes and felt death smacking its lips around the corners of their large house every night.

Around that time, he gave up on the idea of ‘going pro’ in any kind of sport and looked for odd jobs to do. He felt like a complete dickhead when he realised his grandparents had given him the largest room in the house as a kid, and moved them back into it, and moved into the smaller bedroom. They’d protested at first, but he knew they were more comfortable for it.

He learned from Willy how to do proper repairs, and if nothing else, the house was way more waterproofed than it used to be, thanks to learning woodwork and carpentry skills from a shipbuilder.

And then all at once, with no warning, no hint that anything was wrong, Sebastian moved back into the basement at his mom’s house and the rumour was that Martingale had divorced him. Everyone was furious, but no one would anger the farmer, because he was basically the whole reason the town was doing so well now. He’d even fronted up for a massive splurge – like he was a walking fucking lottery ticket – to get Pam and Penny that new house. Leah was still living in one bedroom, Elliott was in a literally goddamn shack by the sea, Shane couldn’t afford to live on his own, but Martingale sure liked to pick and choose who he helped and how he helped them.

*

Alex saw Sebastian for the first time in fucking ages after walking from his grandparent’s house through Pelican Town, slowly up the mountain, which took him past Robin’s house. Sebastian was working on his motorcycle in Robin’s garage. For all that Alex thought Sebastian was the worst, it was a nice bike. It gleamed. Even now, it was shiny, like new.

After all these years, Alex still felt a visceral rush of something whenever he saw Sebastian. The guy had grown into his body. He still wore all black, but he wore turtleneck knitted sweaters in winter now, and his hair was a bit shorter, though still longer than just about anyone else’s except Elliott’s. Sebastian must have started working out at some point, maybe back on the farm, because Alex never saw him go to the gym.

Alex slowed; his body demanded he stay around Sebastian for as long as possible. Even though he was angry – always angry – when he thought about Sebastian.

Sebastian looked up from whatever he was screwing into the bike, and his eyes narrowed. Alex stopped walking. Up here, above the town, it was cooler thanks to the mountain lake even though there was less shade compared to Pelican Town. It was always refreshing here, but Alex felt it was Sebastian’s turf, so he never stuck around to explore it.

‘Look at you,’ Alex said. ‘Always said you were gonna leave, but here you are, working on that bike. Nothing ever changes.’

‘I know what you mean,’ Sebastian said. ‘Still defining your entire personality through being a jock, aren’t you? Mom said you still don’t even have a proper job yet. Mooching off your grandparent’s retirement forever, right? That’s a good look for you.’

Alex ground his teeth together. ‘Like you have a proper job.’

‘I’m going to clear sixty thousand this year,’ Sebastian said. ‘And when I move to Zuzu, I’ll be making over a hundred.’

‘Yeah, when you move. As if.’

‘I’m leaving tomorrow,’ Sebastian said, looking smug, self-satisfied, annoying.

‘What?’

‘The promotion’s lined up. It’s not like there’s any reason to stay, and being back in the basement after everything is just… I don’t know how you do it, live with Evelyn and George like that. But I suppose you must like the free feeds and everything else they do for you. I’ve never needed to exploit the elderly like that, I guess? Weird.’

Alex thought about how he’d started cooking for his grandparents ages ago. It hurt Evelyn to stand for too long, and Alex couldn’t do much to soothe her pain, but he could cook, he could repair shit. He tried his best. Willy gave him discounts on fish, was even trying to get him to learn how to do it himself.

He opened his mouth to retort but closed it again. Sebastian was leaving? Actually leaving?

His chest was doing something all over again, like what it had done on the day of Sebastian and Martingale’s wedding.

‘What’s it like?’ Alex said. ‘Escaping your failed marriage?’

That one must have landed because Sebastian’s face did something almost like a flinch. And then he walked around the bike and came over to Alex, standing only two feet away from him. They were the same height. Sebastian smelled of oil and chemicals and polish, or whatever he needed for that stupid motorcycle. This close, and Alex’s breathing went shallow, he wanted to grab Sebastian by his shirt and shout at him for never revealing he was gay until he fucking got married.

It didn’t matter anyway, right?

His entire life, he’d almost never been able to say the things he really wanted to say. Shit at telling his grandparents that he loved them. No idea how to talk about how he felt about things. Couldn’t even tell Haley he wasn’t straight. Meanwhile Elliott wrote a goddamn book and Sam had a successful touring band and Shane even stopped drinking and was now breeding the prettiest fucking chickens because that farmer…sure chose who he wanted to help.

‘What was it like?’ Alex said, the words cut free from his throat. ‘You taking it up the ass after that guy worked like sixteen hours a day? That’s sadder than Clint, even.’

Sebastian reacted quickly, his arm came up, flew back, swung forwards, and Alex knew he was going to be hit hard and a childhood of trying to dodge violence had him cringing back, his hands up and over his face before he knew what he was doing.

The hit never landed. A tense, silent moment, Alex gasping. He lowered his hands. Sebastian stared at him in disgust. Shame washed over Alex because Sebastian had seen him like that.

‘What was it like?’ Sebastian said, his words dripping with disdain. ‘The closest thing you ever had to a father, beating you to the point that you became a desperate coward? You think going to the gym makes you strong? Even when you thought you were hot shit in high school, it was so obvious you were running from reality. You’re so boring, Alex, it’s like you’re a joke. I couldn’t script you to be more of a stereotype if I tried. And the funny thing is, you’re so full of it. If you were an actual charismatic jock, things might be different, but you have no friends, no charm, no independence, nothing. Didn’t you notice even in high school, I always had more people to hang around with?’

Sebastian smirked and shook his head.

‘Whatever. Enjoy your little life here, Alex. I already feel sorry for the poor girl you’re going to fumble around with, all the ways she’s not going to come simply because she’s with you. But I’m sure you’ll pump out a ton of squalling babies and it’ll be very stereotypical of what the Valley calls happiness.’ Sebastian looked around at what was a pretty picturesque landscape like it was a sewer. ‘God, I can’t wait to be free of this dump.’

Alex stared. Sebastian lifted his eyebrows.

‘Weren’t you going to the gym? Or did you just stop by to have a chat?’

Alex’s legs felt like they moved on their own, propelling him towards the gym. He kept thinking of all the things he could say, all the angry, vengeful fucking things he could say, but instead he just walked to the gym and sat on the lifting bench and stared at nothing, because Sebastian was leaving Stardew Valley, and Alex’s chest was doing that thing again. That shattering thing.

He stared blankly at a corner of the room and tried to convince himself it was fine. It had to be fine. He’d distract himself by benching or something.

In the end he went home after two hours, having done nothing except sat there. On the way home, he looked to see if Sebastian was still in the garage, but the door was closed.

The next day, Sebastian was gone.

*

Four years later, Alex was twenty-six and in charge of picking up the shipping for Pierre and Mayor Lewis on the post-midnight run. Martingale’s farm was always the worst because he had so much produce and other crap that Alex usually had to do more than one run every evening. He started late, finished around dawn, made breakfast for his grandparents, made sure they ate and took their meds, then went to bed before waking after four hours – if they didn’t need him earlier – and figuring out what else they needed. Then rinse and repeat, seven days a week.

He had no time to see Haley anymore. He didn’t have time for the gym, even. Lifting crates of fresh produce kept his body pretty strong, but he definitely wasn’t as buff as he used to be when he spent all his time working out. Dusty – his loyal dog – passed away from old age, Dr Harvey saying it was just one of the roles he had to do sometimes without a local vet in the area, holding Dusty’s paw and soothing him while inserting the IV, while Alex rested his whole head on Dusty’s ribcage and wished he would just keep breathing.

Dr Harvey said time could be cruel. During a later home visit to see how his grandparents were doing, he asked if Alex would ever get another puppy.

‘With the hours I work, it’d just be cruel,’ Alex said.

Dr Harvey agreed, and Alex closed his eyes and wished he’d given Dusty a fairer life.

There were six farms on his roster. He picked up some stuff from Robin and Marnie, and there were three farms in the neighbouring village, Topaz Waters.

Sunday, when he picked up the fresh shipping roster from Mayor Lewis, he stared at the new sign-up on the master list in shock. They weren’t ready for direct pick-up yet, but it was obvious they planned to be in the future.

Sebastian Stewart
address pending: 3 Mountain Lake Rd, Pelican Town, Stardew Valley
phone pending:
stock type pending: Whatever I can’t sell at Marlon’s

‘Wait, Robin’s Sebastian? That Sebastian? I thought he was gone.’

‘Well, you know how it goes,’ Mayor Lewis said, clapping Alex on the shoulder. ‘The lure of Pelican Town is strong. Robin’s building him a home near Marlon’s. By the lake lookout, I think. As far as I understand it, the young lad has plenty of money to throw around. Nothing like farmer Martingale, but it’s always good to get more cash flow back into the town, don’t you think?’

Alex had tried not to think about Sebastian for four years. And now the goth asshole was coming back, and Alex was going to have to visit his house on at least a semi-regular basis as a low-level courier.

Fuck.

Chapter 2: I Know How to Speak

Notes:

AhhhhHH omg y'all are so good to me flkdsafjsa it's been so long since I've been writing for this fandom.

A heads up that there's some heavy content in this chapter (pls check the minor character death tags), but I promise it starts getting better

Also ute = utility vehicle.

Fall was pretty in the Valley. It wasn’t just Pelican Town, but all over. Alex wished it would raise his spirits, but instead he found himself getting ready for the post-midnight run with a sense of dread.

Robin talked a ton about all the woodwork detailing she’d put on Sebastian’s new home. How it was going to last for hundreds of years. How it was one of the nicest homes, and how she missed doing this kind of work. It had taken a while to build, especially for Robin, given she’d made Pam’s and Penny’s new house in like a week.

Alex was often sleeping during the day when gossip was spreading, so he heard almost nothing about Sebastian being back in the Valley, or why, and if he did hear anything it was mostly speculation over how Martingale Wentworth the massively successful multi-millionaire farmer was handling it.

Alex bet he was handling it just fine. The guy had been the one to divorce Sebastian in the first place.

That night, he had to do three separate runs to Martingale’s property, which made everything harder, it felt like the crates of pumpkins were endless. At least the guy was good about his book-keeping, everything accounted for in the right quantities and qualities, so Alex could pay him from the Valley’s account in advance.

He drove back and up through the town, then eased his way along unsealed roads towards Robin’s, picking up some shoddy bits of lumber and stone from her shipping box, grunting at the weight as he looked it all over. There wasn’t too much, but even a crate of twenty stones was going to be heavier than a crate of fucking bok choy.

He swallowed and looked towards the mountain lake, where he could see a new light glimmering on the horizon up on the lookout. Sebastian was up there, past Marlon’s, past the bridge to the quarry, even. Alex wondered how the city had changed him.

It didn’t matter, everyone was asleep right now, even goddamn Martingale.

He eased his way along carefully, the high beams of his ute lighting the few oaks losing their leaves, the pines staying resolutely green, the black reflective surface of the mountain lake.

He grimaced as he took the ute over the bridge. He knew the bridge was stable, but he hated taking the ute over water, avoiding it where possible.

And then another few minutes, and he was pulling into a freshly laid gravel driveway, up to a fresh new shipping bin.

Sebastian’s house was a single storey, and Alex couldn’t tell how nicely it was made because it was dark as fuck outside of the glow of his headlights. He opened the shipping bin and looked at the stock sheet first, going over it. All kinds of weird shit. Some fibre, ten strange buns, oak resin, three diamonds, a fuckton of sap. An entire crate’s worth. He looked everything over with a torch, it all seemed legit. He loaded up the ute, closed the shipping bin, then heard footsteps approaching on the gravel.

He shone the light of his torch in the direction of the footsteps, and barely caught a glimpse of Sebastian’s face before he put his hands over his eyes against the glare of the light.

‘Right, sorry,’ Alex said, shining the torch down at Sebastian’s shoes instead. They were old, beaten-up sneakers. He hadn’t been expecting to see Sebastian at all. After all, it was like four in the morning. Why wasn’t he wearing slippers or something?

Now that he thought about it, Sebastian was fully dressed, those weren’t pyjama pants he was wearing, but black jeans.

‘It’s all sorted,’ Alex said. ‘I’ll be on my way. Sorry if I woke you.’

A quiet, scoffing laugh. ‘You didn’t wake me. I’m on a different schedule. So you’re still in Pelican Town too? Thought you might have left.’

For what? Alex thought dully. He’d boxed up his dreams in his mom’s old music box and put it all away. He had his grandparents to look after, three mouths to feed. They couldn’t all be millionaires like Martingale. They couldn’t all go to the city and make a fuckton in IT like Sebastian could.

‘You came back,’ Alex said, unable to hide the bitterness in his voice. ‘Couldn’t hack it in the city?’

‘I actually kind of missed it here,’ Sebastian said, and then he laughed, his voice deeper than it used to be. Or maybe Sebastian had just filled out more of his body, or maybe Alex had missed that voice so badly he’d forgotten exactly what it used to sound like, replaying it so often in his mind. ‘It’s better to have my own place. But I hear you’re still with your grandparents. You’re really playing that card down to its bones, aren’t you?’

Alex could’ve hit him, but he didn’t say a word. The fact was they were getting worried about Grandma Evelyn’s heart, and Grandpa George couldn’t handle it, so they weren’t allowed to speak about it in the house. But Alex and Grandpa George were always there at every heart scan, holding Grandma Evelyn’s hand. Alex was now their proxy, so when Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George went to the little hospital café to get some sandwiches and some tea, Alex would listen to the doctor and nod as he took the medications and the scripts that Dr Harvey could fill and held back from asking: ‘How long, Doc?’

How long do you think she has?

Grandpa George wouldn’t last without her. Once, Alex thought Grandpa George would live forever, but now he knew in his bones, Grandpa George was already changing, pining, unable to keep himself together with Grandma Evelyn fading away.

‘Well, anyway,’ Alex said. ‘Everything seems to be in order. The gold will be delivered tonight at drop-off.’

‘You could give talks at the school about how successful jocks become later in life.’

Alex ground his teeth together and impulsively threw the metal torch at Sebastian as hard as he could. It was stupid. So fucking stupid. He was acting like a teenager. And worse, Sebastian caught the torch one-handed, a fucking reflex that was amazing. Alex would’ve been impressed if he wasn’t so goddamn angry.

Sebastian shone the torch at his face, and Alex looked away from the glare, then walked back to his ute.

‘Want this back?’ Sebastian said.

‘Don’t need it,’ Alex muttered.

He did, but he’d be damned before he’d walk up to Sebastian and take the torch from him. He’d just buy a new one. Or maybe he’d see if there was one around the Mullner house or something.

He drove away, and saw the shape of Sebastian in the taillights, glowing red and looking broader and stronger than he used to, a black shape by a house above the mountain lake and the quarry mines.

*

Time was unkind. At the end of Fall, Grandma Evelyn passed away in her sleep, or so they said to everyone else. The reality was she passed in Zuzu hospital, gasping for every last breath while hardly conscious, after days of weak delirium, and Grandpa George crying openly so often Alex couldn’t stand it. He went into the bathroom with his whole body shaking and managed a strangled, repressed sound into his hands because he knew he couldn’t scream. After his mom, he couldn’t do this again.

But he had to, because there was no one else, and Grandpa George wasn’t well enough to plan a fucking funeral and Alex didn’t even know if they had the money, because it wasn’t like there were a ton of ways to make money in a small town in the first place.

Alex took a week off to plan everything, and Sully took over the post-midnight run as a favour, which weighed heavily on Alex’s shoulders because it meant another favour owed.

In that week, Grandpa George died from a heart attack. It was sudden, yet it wasn’t. Grandpa George was hardly eating, his heart was already weak, he refused to take his meds. Alex knew it was grief, he thought Grandpa George would need a few weeks to get back to normal, thought he had another few months before Grandpa George passed on.

But it was a Tuesday night, and Alex was staring at all the things he needed to buy on a shitty salary like the coffin, the flowers – Grandma Evelyn had to have flowers, and a lot of them –and wishing he’d paid more attention to maths in high school. A Tuesday night, past midnight because Alex couldn’t maintain regular hours anymore, and Alex had the strangest feeling sitting there in the kitchen, and he stood up and walked down to what used to be his bedroom.

‘Grandpa?’ Alex called quietly into the dark. He stepped into the shadows and looked down at his grandfather’s frail body, and then reached out and apologised softly, turning the lamp on, and Grandpa George’s eyes were open, and he wasn’t breathing.

Alex almost did CPR then and there, but Grandpa George had a Do Not Resuscitate order, like he knew this was how he was going to go.

Alex cried then, broken and kneeling in his grandparent’s room, hands over his face, screaming the noise into his hands that he couldn’t let loose in the hospital weeks before. He wished he had a clean enough soul that it was pure grief, but some of it was the wretched knowledge that he couldn’t afford to pay for two funerals, and he didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do.

*

Alex was numb when he realised he was an orphan all over again. First his mom, and now his grandparents, and there was no one else to lose now. All his family was gone.

He planned what he could. He was surprised when donations turned up in the mailbox. Little envelopes filled with gold coins. He hadn’t asked for any of it. But there were envelopes from Mayor Lewis, Emily, Jodi, Caroline and Pierre, Dr Harvey, Robin and Demetrius. It was so generous, and he didn’t know how to pay any of them back, or how to explain that even with the donations…

Funerals were a big deal in Pelican Town, in the whole of Stardew Valley, they happened so rarely. There were big ritual ceremonies, and Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George had been big believers in Yoba, so there had to be a mass for their god, and a hired temple, and sacred land consecrated. At least they already had a plot designated, but still…

The cost of all the medical bills had eaten into Alex’s savings. He was skipping meals now to try and make it work.

On a bitterly cold Sunday morning, the bite of winter already in the air, Martingale Wentworth let himself into the house like he lived there, pulling off his black leather gloves, his breath pluming. He looked young, even handsome, even though he acted like he was far older than all of them. Alex couldn’t stand him.

‘Here,’ Martingale said, handing Alex a sack of gold. Alex stared at it. He could already tell it was more than enough to cover the funerals.

‘I don’t need it,’ Alex said, even though he did. But goddamn it, he didn’t want that millionaire’s money. Not the guy who had married Sebastian and then tossed him away.

‘It’s not for you,’ Martingale said coldly. ‘It’s for them. It’s for Pelican Town.’

Martingale put the money on the table.

‘She gave me the recipe for her chocolate chip cookies,’ Martingale said, looking around the house. ‘It’s not going to be the same without them.’

Alex stared at the gold and felt humiliated by it. Sometimes it seemed like everyone made more money than he did.

‘Are you keeping the house?’ Martingale said, looking around.

He wore suede trousers, a neat little vest, and his brown hair was in a short ponytail today. The cold air brought a red flush to his cheeks. Alex thought of Martingale fucking Sebastian and the life they’d shared together and hated him.

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘Do you miss being married?’

Martingale’s shrewd gaze landed on his, and his thin lips quirked in a smile. ‘Perhaps sometimes. But farm life isn’t for everyone, and my hours aren’t forgiving.’

‘So you’re selling it as something you did for his benefit? I don’t even know how you managed it. Divorce isn’t even meant to be possible.’

‘Witches don’t care for what is possible and what isn’t,’ Martingale said. ‘Magic runs this town more than you’ll ever know, Alex. Anyway, use the gold. Make sure there’s lots of flowers for Evelyn.’

Martingale walked out again, and Alex watched him go, a spark of anger inside his tired body. It was tempting to call out that he was already planning to have lots of flowers anyway, but it would have sounded petulant, and Martingale wouldn’t have believed him in the first place.

Alex wasn’t sure when it had happened, but at some point the town had cemented its view of him as a selfish ignorant jock, even though Alex didn’t play sports anymore, and couldn’t go to the gym anymore, and knew quite a few of the hospital staff by name and was even going to miss some of them and had been trying to put some money aside to get them some kind of thank you gift for being so good to Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George.

Alex counted out the gold and realised it more than covered the funerals.

Grandma Evelyn was going to have so many flowers, and he knew Grandpa George would love that for her, because all he’d ever wanted was for her to be happy.

*

At the funeral, Alex felt numb, but in a hot kind of way, like there were tears at the back of his eyes, but they wouldn’t come out. After the ceremonies and the rituals, it was time for the eulogies. Alex had struggled to write one, and in the end, knew he couldn’t read it. He felt like it was a poor thing, with his lack of reading comprehension, and his inability to be as articulate as people like Elliott, and he’d just be disrespecting his grandparents and everyone else. He kept his eulogy crumpled and folded up in his pocket and told the priest he just…couldn’t do it.

The priest patted him on the shoulder, and Alex felt like a failure.

Mayor Lewis came up and talked for a bit about everything Evelyn had done for the city, how loyal and loving George and Evelyn had been to each other, a perfect example of a Pelican Town couple.

Alex thought of Martingale and Sebastian and sighed.

Then Dr Harvey walked up to the podium, which Alex didn’t expect.

‘Uh, hi everyone,’ he said, nervously pushing up his glasses. ‘I’d like to talk to you all about Evelyn and George Mullner. I got to know them very well since coming to Pelican Town, and they were like family to me. But first I want to offer my sincere condolences to Alex, who over the past few years, gave up more than I think anyone will ever truly know to take care of them.’

Alex blinked up at Dr Harvey, confused, because this wasn’t about him, it was a funeral for his grandparents. Dr Harvey looked at him for some time, and then looked out over the crowd of people and continued talking.

‘Alex made all of their meals, every day, for years. He got his licence to take them to hospital appointments, because our little Pelican Town clinic can only do so much. He filled scripts and changed the house to suit their needs and became something of a handyman to make sure they were as comfortable as possible. The loss of Evelyn and George is something that touches all of us, but I want to extend my compassion and sympathy to Alex in particular, and also my gratitude for all that he has done for them over the years.’

Weird, Alex thought.

And then Dr Harvey went on to talk about Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George and all the things they’d done for the town over the years, and the prickling sensation in Alex’s chest went away and became a bleak numbness once more.

At the end, everyone placed fairy roses on Grandma Evelyn’s casket – grown in the greenhouse by Martingale Wentworth, of course – and each flower cost more than Alex could comprehend. It was pretty, but they were the most expensive flowers grown in Stardew Valley. Grandma Evelyn’s taste was humble enough until it came to those fairy roses.

Villagers came up and shook Alex’s hand, offered their condolences, and Alex smiled and nodded at each of them and felt nothing. Haley squeezed his hand extra hard, both of her small hands around his, her manicured fingernails pretty, covered in little fairy rose stamps just for the day. That detail had Alex lost for words, and then he gave her a smile that he hadn’t given anyone else, and she did the same, and he wondered if they’d text later and if he’d have the energy for it.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said, when it was his turn. Not ‘I’m sorry for your loss,’ just those two words. Alex stared at him. Sebastian’s hand was surprisingly rough and calloused for someone who worked with computers all day, and his shoulders were way broader than they used to be. Alex almost asked him when he’d started working out, but it was a joint funeral, and he was at a loss for words.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said again, squeezing Alex’s hand gently, looking like he was sorry. Alex just nodded, then cleared his throat.

‘Uh, thanks. Thank you.’

Sebastian looked at him for a long time, his eyes the same black as his hair. Alex thought he should apologise for ditching the torch at him, but now didn’t seem to be the time.

Sebastian let go of his hand, and Alex felt the contact for the rest of the day. It was the first time they’d ever touched like that, and the feeling of Sebastian’s hand against his was an unwelcome warmth that kept his soul intact throughout the rest of an uncaring day.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Keel Timing:

‘Alex?’ Sebastian called, ‘is that you?’

Alex reached for the torch with blood-covered fingers and swallowed a mouthful of cold spit.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘It’s fine. Just cleaning a cut.’

The porch light came on, and Alex winced at how bright it was. His eyes had adjusted to the dark.

Sebastian was wearing his black jeans, a black long-sleeved top, black sneakers, some black-rimmed glasses. He looked…

Goddamn it, it always looked good. Alex could’ve ripped his own eyes out; he was so tired of thinking the same thing.

But Sebastian didn’t look happy at all. He jogged down the steps and his eyes were huge when he saw Alex’s arm.

‘What the-? Alex, what happened?’

Chapter 3: Keel Timing

Alex thought he’d have more time, after the funerals. Maybe he’d pick up going to the gym again or see Haley more often.

Instead, he slept. A heaviness descended, like the way he felt when he was at the end of bench pressing, except not just in his arms and his shoulders and his chest and his neck, but in his whole body. There were metal circles of weight shoving him down, down, down, and all he could do with no spotter was sleep.

So, he slept.

He woke for work, felt like he half-slept through it, got home, ate tinned shit for dinner, brushed his teeth, and slept again. On and on it went through the winter and the snow, and in his rare awake moments Alex thought he might have that thing Dr Harvey called depression. But he couldn’t keep hold of the thought for long enough. It was crushed. Every cell in Alex’s body wanted to just stop. Stop fighting. Stop resisting. Give up. Sleep.

Haley visited on a Monday towards the end of winter, bringing a bouquet of violet crocuses and placing them in one of Grandma Evelyn’s vases, turning on the tap to keep them fresh, and Alex could’ve cried to see someone other than his grandma using that vase. It was the first flowers he’d had in the house that weren’t funeral wreaths.

‘You should shave,’ Haley said, smiling at him. Her hair was pretty, shiny, golden. If Alex was built the right way, he would’ve married her a long time ago. They would’ve had cute babies.

‘The beard’s a lot, right?’ Alex said, smiling back. What had started as lazy stubble had grown out, and Alex reached up and touched it, then shrugged. ‘It’s winter. Maybe I’ll wait.’

‘You’re going after Willy’s look.’

‘It’s not that bad,’ Alex said.

Haley sat at the table. Alex felt like they could be echoes of Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George sitting there decades before, a fresh life before them. Alex wasn’t sure he believed in ghosts – he certainly didn’t believe in Yoba – but at times like this he felt Grandma Evelyn’s strong fingers on his shoulders, telling him in a warm voice that Haley was a lovely young woman, and a good friend besides, and Alex should do well by her, and he’d make a good husband one day.

Haley talked about her nail business. She’d finally learned to charge people and was making a bit of a profit. People came from the nearby villages because she was cheaper and closer than Zuzu City.

‘I don’t really know what I’m going to do,’ Haley said. ‘I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know how to make a wage here. A real one. I thought I could look at the cinema. Movies are fun I suppose.’

Haley didn’t look like they were that fun.

‘Don’t you get tired of being here?’ Haley said. ‘Especially after everything.’

Alex was tired of all of it. He knew being in a city wasn’t going to do jack squat.

‘The Valley’s as good as anywhere,’ Alex said.

Haley wrinkled her nose at him. ‘Maybe I could work with Shane and Marnie. Those blue chickens are so pretty, I bet I could get a website together, do a fashion shoot, spread the awareness that way.’

‘It’s not a full-time job,’ Alex said.

‘I don’t need a full-time job,’ Haley said. Then she huffed a sigh. ‘I suppose I have to move out eventually. But Abigail hasn’t. Emily isn’t pushing me or anything. I thought Emily would settle down with someone, but instead she’s mind-melding with that dumb bird.’

Alex laughed, glad to think of something that had nothing to do with his life, and Haley smiled back at him.

‘Being an adult isn’t all it’s cracked up to be anyway,’ Haley said, resting her head on one hand. ‘Look at Leah, or Elliott.’

‘And me,’ Alex said.

‘Especially you. I’ve been trying not to say it, but what a miserable few years you’ve had.’

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘The night shift suits me.’

Haley gave him a dubious look, and Alex reached out and gently shook her forearm.

‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll shave the beard after winter.’

An hour later, Haley left, hugging Alex briefly but fiercely by the front door.

‘I thought they were nice, the funerals. For you know, funerals, which are such a drag.’

‘Such a drag,’ Alex said fervently.

Haley winked at him, and leaned up and kissed him on the cheek, and then turned and walked off. Alex watched her go and wondered why he couldn’t just be the man that his grandparents hoped he would be. After a while he sighed, then he went back to bed and slept until his shift that night.

*

Winter kissed the oncoming spring, and they had an unseasonably warm day which turned into a humid, muggy evening with the beach winds too lax to reach Pelican Town. Alex kept his jumper, all-weather jacket and scarf in the passenger seat of the ute. It was cold only wearing a shirt, but he didn’t want to sweat through all of his layers at the beginning of his shift. Besides, he’d shaved after Haley’s prompting, and the scarf helped when his face got cold.

It was a quieter run today. He only had Marnie, Martingale and Sebastian on his roster. Sebastian was weirdly active when it came to shipments over winter, though Alex never saw him again. Sebastian stayed inside, though his lights were always on. Martingale always shipped less at this time of year, his farm went fallow, and he made Ginger Island shipments direct from the island, and Alex thankfully had fuck all to do with that. Marnie had some eggs and milk, some blue chicken feathers, Alex figured they were probably popular in costumes and stuff.

He drove to Marnie’s first and picked up the small crate of eggs gingerly, as he always did, because he never wanted to break a single one.

‘Come on, little guys,’ he said quietly to the eggs, sliding them into the special foam section he’d made himself at the back of the ute, just for the eggs.

After that he got the milk, checked everything off, and sent a ping through to the Stardew Valley bank to make sure Marnie got paid by morning.

From Marnie’s he could drive directly to the bottom of Martingale’s farm, but Martingale only let people enter his property through the entrance closest to the bus-stop. It turned a two-minute drive into another fifteen minutes.

Alex drove back up through the town, taking it as carefully as possible with the eggs, and wondered if he’d have more time to get out in the summer. It was his favourite season, but he felt like he’d hardly seen it for years. He missed being younger, going down to the beach every day, he and Haley mostly doing their own thing, but occasionally meeting up to chat before getting lost in their own thoughts again. He missed the ice cream stand. No one manned it now. Maybe Vincent would when he was older or something. Or maybe it was just done now. Alex hadn’t even bothered to see what condition it was in.

Martingale’s farm – Threegold farm – seemed darker than normal as he pulled in alongside the shipping bin and the crates of stock around it. There was enough that Alex was sure Martingale had just done a huge greenhouse harvest. But at least it would only be one run, instead of two or three.

He got out of the ute, turning off the engine, because it always took too long to load everything, and it wasn’t worth letting the ute idle and wasting the fuel.

He looked around. It was darker. Everything was eerie. The air smelled muddy and rank. Alex frowned and opened the shipping bin to see what valuables were inside, then flinched when he heard a bizarre sound nearby. Almost like a scratching-shriek, repeated three times.

Just an owl, he told himself.

Of course there were monsters in the Valley, but they were in caves, and old mines, and preferred dark contained places. They weren’t out on the farms at night.

He kept looking in the bin, carefully bringing out the little bag of diamonds. With those alone, Alex knew Martingale was making something like a clear fifty thousand in gold. The dude just made bank. It was insane. Alex knew a few of those diamonds would make the year so much easier, but he’d never take a single thing. He couldn’t. He always imagined how his mom or Grandma Evelyn would look at him.

A sound suspiciously like a footstep nearby and Alex froze, goosebumps rising on his whole body.

‘Martingale?’ Alex called shakily.

But it hadn’t sounded like Martingale’s footsteps.

He put the diamonds back into the shipping bin and lowered the lid, looking around. He took the plastic torch out of his pocket – this one had a weaker light than the one he’d thrown at Sebastian’s face – and shone it, and heard another scratching, high-pitched sound beyond the reach of the torch beam.

It was probably just a cow or pig or something that didn’t get into its barn for the night. Maybe even the tiny little dinosaur that Martingale had somehow resurrected, which was basically a glorified lizard.

Alex backed towards the ute.

He only took two steps and then some zombie-like thing made of grass and fibre and bark and smeared with what looked like tar and blood came stumbling towards him, eyes hollow and empty, high-pitched noises – hungry noises – emitting from its mouth. And what started as slow steps became fast quickly, and Alex stumbled backwards and fell onto the hard ground.

‘What the fuck?’ Alex shrieked, scrambling up as the monster came at him. He flailed out and hit it in the leg with his torch, but it didn’t scare the thing off, it barely did anything at all.

Alex was panting in fright as he felt what must have been claws glancing at his shirt, and then the top of his head.

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck! Was the thing trying to kill him?

This was why Pierre never let Abigail go into the fucking abandoned mines. But for fuck’s sake. What the hell was one of these assholes doing here?

Alex pushed up as quickly as he could, and then dropped the torch. He lunged for it as the creature made chittering noises behind him, over and over again.

‘Come on, come on,’ Alex chanted to himself, then cried out when he pushed up and the creature was right there.

It lashed out way too fast with long claws, and Alex got his arm up in time to protect his face. Searing pain in his bicep, his forearm, and then the hot cascade of blood over his limb, and Alex thought about running to Martingale’s and banging on the door but what if there were more of these creatures around?

He managed to hit the thing in the face with the torch – only enough to get it to back up one step while it kept swiping madly with its arms – and Alex bolted into the ute. He slammed the door shut and whimpered when the monster pressed up hard against the door and window, shaking the body of the ute.

Alex’s arm was dripping blood, but adrenaline muted the pain. He turned on the engine and put the gear into reverse and slammed his foot on the accelerator. The steering wheel was slippery from the sweat on his hands. Even so, he got the fuck out of there.

He expected the monster to follow him, but as soon as he was off Martingale’s property, the strange eldritch darkness cleared, and the monster was gone. But Alex did a quick U-turn anyway and sped away, gasping, the torch still on in his lap, his arm hurting more and more as he drove.

He didn’t know what he was going to do. Who did he even tell? Mayor Lewis? Was Martingale even alive? What if he'd been eaten by one of those creatures? Fuck.

Wait no, Martingale was an amazing fighter in the abandoned mines. He even went into the Skull Caverns in the desert. But why did Martingale- Why now?

Alex didn’t realise he’d traced the automatic route up to the mountain, and then to Sebastian’s home, until he was by the shipping box.

He stared at it and then stared at his arm. Fuck.

He reached for the scarf – really too thick to be much use – and wrapped it around his bleeding arm, then felt a pang of fear. He hadn’t even disinfected the wounds. Shit. He needed to clean it first. He knew from years of visiting hospitals how dangerous infections could be.

Weakly, he got out of the ute and left the engine idling – what if those monsters were everywhere tonight? – and then he held his torch in his other hand and looked around the edge of Sebastian’s property for a tap.

He found one close to the front steps and turned it on, shoving his arm beneath the frigid water and groaning through clenched teeth. It fucking hurt. He shone the torch on the wound and saw bits of dirt and leaves sticking out of it and felt a bolt of fear. Maybe he should wake up Dr Harvey or something, but he didn’t want to bother anyone.

In the end, he held the torch in his mouth, drool collecting on the back of it as he tried to pick crap out of his arm with his non-dominant hand. What a shit-show.

The front door opened, and Alex’s teeth clenched on the torch, hurting his jaw.

‘Alex?’ Sebastian called, ‘is that you?’

Alex reached for the torch with blood-covered fingers and swallowed a mouthful of cold spit.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘It’s fine. Just cleaning a cut.’

The porch light came on, and Alex winced at how bright it was. His eyes had adjusted to the dark.

Sebastian wore black jeans, a black long-sleeved top, black sneakers, some black-rimmed glasses. He looked…

Goddamn it, he always looked good. Alex could’ve ripped his own eyes out; he was so tired of thinking the same thing.

But Sebastian didn’t look happy at all. He jogged down the steps and his eyes were huge when he saw Alex’s arm.

‘What the-? Alex, what happened?’

‘It’s so stupid,’ Alex said, laughing, the sound carrying an edge of high-pitched hysteria. ‘It’s nothing. I just gotta get it clean, and then I can collect your stuff.’

‘Alex…’ Sebastian said. He stood there for a moment, and then he walked over, way too close. He took the torch from Alex’s hand easily, like he knew Alex would let it go, and then he shone it over Alex’s arm, from the two scratches on his forearm, to the deeper ones on his bicep. ‘You need to see Dr Harvey. This needs stitches.’

‘I just need to get it clean. I just need to pick up your stuff. I can’t even get Martingale’s- fuck. I don’t know what I’m going to do. We’ve never missed an order. He’s going to be so pissed.’

Sebastian was quiet, then he reached out to the tap and turned the faucet until the water stopped flowing.

Alex stared in dismay. He supposed he could clean the wounds at home, but-

Sebastian walked past him to the ute and turned off the engine, taking out the keys and closing the front door. He came back and took Alex by the arm.

‘If you’re not going to see Dr Harvey, I can clean the wounds. I can even do the stitches. You might as well come inside.’

‘But…’

Sebastian was pulling on his arm, and Alex was following automatically, confused and horrified and hurting.

‘I’m going to get blood and water everywhere,’ Alex said finally.

‘My house has seen worse,’ Sebastian said, sounding like he was smirking. ‘Trust me. Where do you think I’ve been getting all the stuff I’ve been shipping?’

He turned and looked at Alex once they were on the front porch. It was unfair that Sebastian’s little smirky half-smile made him look more handsome, not less. Alex’s smirk made him look like a total dickhead.

Alex stared at him blankly.

‘You haven’t realised?’ Sebastian said. ‘I moved back so I could fight in the mines. Most of what I find I sell through Marlon, but…not all of it. Trust me, your wounds really aren’t the worst I’ve seen. Let’s get you cleaned up at least, it’s not like I was going to bed any time soon anyway.’

With that, Sebastian pulled Alex into his house, and Alex followed wordlessly, hyper-focused on Sebastian’s warm hand around his uninjured forearm, his touch somehow louder than the pain radiating through his wounded arm.

Notes:

No preview this time because I haven't written it yet! But y'all can always come join me on Tumblr if you want, that's gonna be the first place where I post excerpts for the next chapter :D (There might finally be some comfort on the horizon!)

Chapter 4: Left Your Body

Notes:

AN: Stitches without anaesthetic. Wound cleaning and wound tending.

(Also Alex managing to turn everything into depresso sauce, because he has a gift. It will get better I promise. Also Sebastian will also get better, I promise!)

Alex is one of the thirstiest characters I've ever written and it's literally hit 'if I steal an article of his clothing to basically inhale while jerking off that's okay right?' and I'm just staring at him like DUDE

The inside of Sebastian’s house was fucking nice. Alex stood there dripping blood, muck and frigid water onto beautiful floorboards and a dark red rug. He could already tell this was the nicest home in Pelican Town. No way were those chrome taps local. This was Zuzu-level hotel shit, Alex was sure. He was pretty sure Martingale’s farmhouse wasn’t even this nice inside, even though it was bigger.

When he looked to the right of the open plan entry, he saw a large desk with two computer monitors, every single one of them lit up and glowing in the otherwise mostly dark house. The only light on was the kitchen light.

‘You have more than one screen?’ Alex said incredulously.

His arm throbbed mercilessly. Alex grimaced, then realised he was making a complete mess of Sebastian’s five-star house. He looked down in dismay.

‘Ah shit,’ he said. He’d been to Marnie’s farm first, and the ground all around her pick-up point was churned up and sometimes covered in chicken or cow shit. Today was no different. ‘I’m sorry. We should do this outside.’

‘Go sit down at the table,’ Sebastian said, like it didn’t concern him.

Beside the multiple computer screens, hanging on the wall, was a sword with a violet hilt, the blade made of blue-violet metal. It was one of the sickest things Alex had ever seen. As a child, he would have done anything to get his hands on it, but now he just wondered what kind of money Sebastian was fucking around with. Surely you didn’t get paid that much sitting at a computer all day? And Sebastian couldn’t be that good in the mines, right?

The sword had to be like…a hobby sword, or maybe it was aspirational or some shit.

Alex blinked at it, thinking the sword must have some kind of special foggy effect, judging by the way his vision was blurring.

‘By Yoba’s ass,’ Sebastian snapped suddenly, grabbing him roughly by the uninjured upper arm. Alex hadn’t even realised he was so close. ‘Will you sit down?’

‘I’m…getting shit everywhere,’ Alex gasped, as Sebastian dragged him over to the kitchen table, dragged a chair out, and pushed Alex down. ‘I can just go home. You can…send me a bill for the clean-up.’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, sounding tired. ‘Just…hang on. I’m trying to see if I’ve got any healing tonics or elixirs but…’

He opened a cupboard and rummaged around.

‘I’m fine,’ Alex said.

‘Good to know you’re still annoying as ever,’ Sebastian muttered. ‘Just in a new, exciting direction.’

‘What does that even mean?’ Alex said, then swallowed roughly and stared at the wound on his arm. God. It was so bad. Maybe he would need stitches. He couldn’t wake Dr Harvey.

‘Damn it,’ Sebastian said, clearly not finding what he was looking for. ‘I’m out. Okay.’

He turned from where he was crouched and looked Alex over critically. His eyes lingered on the wound.

‘We might as well finish cleaning it.’

We, Alex scoffed, while secretly marvelling at the fact that he was in Sebastian’s house. He knew Sebastian well enough to know he probably wasn’t issuing a ton of invitations. Although…he probably got more visitors than Alex ever did. Sam would visit, Abigail, and that meant Pierre and Caroline would go over, and then there was Robin, she’d visit, and Maru, and Sam’s family, and…

Alex startled; Sebastian was beside him again.

‘Can you stand?’ Sebastian said, in the tone of voice of someone who was repeating himself and annoyed about it.

‘Sure,’ Alex said.

He stood, and Sebastian pushed him lightly, a hand between his shoulders, and Alex thought this was the most Sebastian had ever touched him. And then he was by a sink that was already running water, and Sebastian dragged Alex’s arm beneath the warmth.

Alex hissed at the pain, fist clenching, and then he bit down a curse as Sebastian immediately started picking away bits of leaf and bark and hell, was that stone?

‘What happened?’ Sebastian said, as Alex stared dumbly at what he was doing. The dude wasn’t even scared of reaching his fingers inside the wounds to grab stuff.

His hands were surprisingly nimble, way more than Alex’s. His fingers even found blades of grass, though feeling them sliding out of the bleeding gapes in his skin made him want to scream. He thought he was done with being in this much pain after his dad left.

His breathing shook.

‘There was a monster at Martingale’s,’ Alex said. ‘A monster! There’s never been one there before. Ever. I didn’t even know- Fuck, oh shit, I didn’t even pick up his stuff. I have to go back, but what if it’s-’

‘-Okay, shut up,’ Sebastian said, though his voice wasn’t sharp, it didn’t even seem annoyed. ‘Damn, Wentworth really went and did it. I didn’t think he would.’

‘Did what?’

It was weird hearing Sebastian call him Wentworth because everyone just called him Martingale. Why was Sebastian using his last name?

Alex made a sound when Sebastian tried to pull something out that tugged at muscle. The pain was enough that Alex bowed over the sink.

‘I’m fine,’ Alex gritted out.

‘Just hang in there, we’re nearly done,’ Sebastian said.

Alex fell silent. Hearing Sebastian say the words Just hang in there did something to his entire brain, and he felt stronger. But the pain got worse as Sebastian wiggled the stick and it came out all at once, attached to a knuckle of wood at the bottom. A new rivulet of blood flowed wetly into the sink.

‘He didn’t even tell you?’ Sebastian said, voice sharp.

‘Um… no?’ Alex said. ‘Tell me what?’

‘He’s used the witch’s magic to bring the monsters to his farm. That’s the only explanation that makes sense.’

‘That’s the one that makes sense? Couldn’t it just be some random-’

‘-No,’ Sebastian said, running his fingers over the claw marks a few more times and turning Alex’s arm this way and that. Then he shut the water off and immediately placed a red towel over Alex’s arm tightly, wrapping it a few times. ‘Hold that in place.’

Alex’s hand went automatically to the place where Sebastian’s hand was, and Sebastian moved his hand away.

Sebastian guided him back over to the chair, pulled out another, and then opened a big storage box on the table that turned out to be a well-stocked first aid kit. Alex had no idea when Sebastian had fetched it.

‘I don’t have any anaesthetic or anything,’ Sebastian said, grimacing. ‘You should really- We can- You should see Dr Harvey. He’ll have anaesthetic.’

‘I can’t bother him.’

Sebastian stared at him for a long time. Even this close, his eyes looked black. But Alex was sure he saw a glint of green, which must have been his imagination.

‘Can you even take stitches with nothing?’ Sebastian said, sounding belligerent. ‘I know I can, but can you?’

Alex was immediately frustrated. ‘I can do whatever you can, douche.’

And then he felt guilty, because he hadn’t meant to be an asshole like that. He opened his mouth to apologise.

‘I doubt that,’ Sebastian said, and Alex closed his mouth. ‘But we’ll see how it goes. You’re going to have to see Dr Harvey tomorrow though.’

Alex nodded numbly. He slept during the day, so he wasn’t sure when he’d find the time.

Alex pressed his lips together as Sebastian swiped the wounds with some kind of alcohol. It stung like fuck. The smell was horribly familiar, and Alex had to look away. He really couldn’t handle it anymore. Not the smell. Not the thoughts that came with it. And he knew it was different when it was medicinal, but…

‘If you can’t handle the pain of this, you’re not going to be able to handle stitches,’ Sebastian said.

Alex said nothing. He had nothing nice to say. There was no way he was telling Sebastian what this reminded him of.

And then Sebastian was threading a needle and Alex looked over at the sword again, and tried not to think about how hard his heart was beating. He bit the inside of his lower lip, he bit his tongue, he tried not to fidget. As the reek of alcohol faded, Alex caught something citrusy, like maybe a deodorant, or a cologne. Alex wondered how much the smell of Sebastian’s sweat had changed since high school. It was shameful he remembered these things, after all these years. Even worse that he’d brought up those kinds of details to make his wank fantasies even more realistic.

Alex felt awful sitting there, he barely flinched when Sebastian pinched up some of the skin and punctured it with the needle, after a soft warning.

‘Are you okay for me to keep going?’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

But Sebastian didn’t keep going, and Alex looked at him in confusion. He seemed expectant.

‘I can pay you for the stitches,’ Alex said.

Sebastian’s eyebrows lifted like that was the last thing he expected, and then he bent closely over Alex’s arm and went back to work.

The pain built slowly, as though Alex was sinking back into his body after the scent of alcohol had thrown him clear of it.

‘What do you mean…the witch?’ Alex said to distract himself from those horrible sharp pricks, and the sickening slide of the thread through his skin. ‘She’s- She’s real?’

‘I never saw her,’ Sebastian said. ‘I don’t know if Wentworth has either. But yeah, she’s real. Her house is real. Her magic is real. Fucking shitty magic though. But I don’t know if it’s the witch’s magic. Wentworth said there’s magic everywhere. Even in the sewer.’

‘For real?’

Sebastian laughed softly. It was such a nice sound.

‘For real,’ Sebastian said. ‘But- I think Wentworth has made the farm more challenging, maybe he’s bored. Knowing him, I doubt he even remembered real people might actually want to visit his farm.’

‘People go over during the day sometimes,’ Alex said. ‘I have to warn them.’

‘The monsters only come out at night.’

‘I couldn’t even hurt it,’ Alex whispered. ‘I thought- But nothing. It was so strong.’

He shivered, and Sebastian was silent as he tied another knot, and then before starting up again, he said: ‘If he’s using Stardew Valley magic, it could be that the monsters are as strong as his ability in combat. That means the only person who could visit him at night is me.’

‘You?’ Alex looked at the sword again. ‘Wait, is that legit?’

Sebastian did that laugh again. Under his breath, low, kind of… the kind of thing Alex might remember later. Because of reasons.

Alex was horrible. This was horrible. He shouldn’t still be thinking about Sebastian this way.

The truth was, he’d never been able to think of anyone else while getting off. And for a long time that seemed normal, and then after Sebastian got married, it seemed like a violation.

‘That is indeed legit,’ Sebastian said, smiling and looking up. ‘Wentworth taught me, and then I kept it up when I left. There are dungeons and caverns all over the region. Wentworth doesn’t even know half of what’s out there.’

‘So that’s not the same sword as his?’

‘No,’ Sebastian said.

‘It’s not the same… It’s got more blue in it?’

‘It does,’ Sebastian said, and then held Alex’s arm gently still when he flinched hard at a particular stitch. ‘It’s an iridium alloy. There’s almost no rudenite out there, but I managed to find some, and it blends well with iridium. They each make the other stronger.’

‘Rudenite?’

‘It’s blue when it’s melted down, but it looks red as anything when you find it. I had no idea what it was the first time I came across it. I had to…get the sword made in secret. There was pressure to leak the name of the cave where I’d found it. But- I didn’t want anyone to know.’

‘Why?’

‘It was really dangerous, for a start.’

Sebastian’s fingers moved cleverly, and Alex only then noticed the ring on his middle finger. A dark grey metal, and a green gem – like jade – on it. He wondered if he’d gotten it from Wentworth.

‘But it would make some asshole into a billionaire,’ Sebastian continued, ‘and it took a while, but by that point I’d realised money isn’t everything.’

‘Sure,’ Alex scoffed, looking around Sebastian’s house.

‘Of course my house looks good in this podunk town,’ Sebastian said blandly. ‘I’m not going to cut any corners, I’m too much of a hedonist for that. But this is nothing – nothing – to where all the rich folk live in Zuzu. Even Wentworth isn’t the richest person there. He just likes being a big fish in a tiny pond. He’s always wanted to be a god.’

Alex stared at Sebastian and said nothing. He didn’t know what a hedonist was. He was surprised Sebastian was sharing this much with him. They’d never been conversational. Not ever. Maybe Sebastian was trying to fill the silence. Maybe he was even trying to be kind.

Because he was sewing more than fifteen stitches into Alex’s goddamn arm.

‘I don’t need all of this,’ Alex said.

‘You do,’ Sebastian said. ‘These wounds are bad, Alex. And deep. I think I got them clean, and my stitches are good, because I’ve had to stitch up Wentworth a few times and I went on a course to make sure I could do it right. And then I learned the rest online. I’ve even stitched myself up a few times, though that’s…awkward.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said. ‘This means I can finish the deliveries.’

‘Tonight?’ Sebastian said, and then he stared at Alex in disbelief. ‘Tonight?’

‘Yeah, tonight,’ Alex said defensively.

‘You can’t keep- Are you-? I mean I’ve always known you were stupid, Alex, but come on.’

Alex just stared at him. This was a perfect moment to say something awful, but he couldn’t think of anything. Sebastian was stitching up his arm, Alex was fucking exhausted, and everyone knew Alex was stupid.

It wasn’t even an insult anymore. His dad used to say it all the time. He heard it in school. His mom was the only one who didn’t talk to him like that, but she was the kindest person ever, so she just wouldn’t, even though it was true.

‘The goods aren’t going to deliver themselves,’ Alex said finally. ‘I’ve never missed a delivery, not like this. And only when- Only when- The funeral…’

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed and he sighed heavily when he looked down again, continuing with the stitches. The blood had slowly stopped flowing as freely over Alex’s arm. He felt dizzy and tired. He hoped he could manage the ute. He’d just…have to.

A lot of his life over the past few years was just…having to. Sometimes he came across something new and something would collapse inside of him, and he’d know he couldn’t cope with it. But then he’d realise that he had to. That was it. Even if every cell screamed to collapse on the floor and stop, he had to keep going.

‘It was a nice funeral,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘A- A good funeral.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, and then because he felt like shooting himself in the foot so maybe Sebastian could stitch that up too, he said: ‘Martingale bankrolled most of it.’

Sebastian looked up sharply, and Alex looked away, embarrassed. ‘I didn’t know he was going to do that. I could’ve… I could’ve made it work. But he wanted it to be like- He was close to Grandma Evelyn or something. And I thought he would’ve gotten mad if I didn’t spend the money, or…maybe he’d take it badly. But I only spent it on them. I didn’t save any. For myself. I wouldn’t do that.’

Sebastian was quiet, and Alex felt like an idiot.

‘Anyway, yeah,’ Alex said, because whatever, right? ‘It was only that nice because of him.’

‘You chose the flowers though, didn’t you? And organised everything? Picked out the poems and stuff?’

‘Y-yeah,’ Alex said.

‘Then you organised a nice funeral,’ Sebastian said stubbornly. ‘If Wentworth had done it… That man has the aesthetic sense of a drunk hamster that’s just discovered woodgrain for the first time.’

Alex pressed his lips together to stop the bubble of hysterical laughter that wanted to come up.

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’m bitter.’

‘Sure,’ Alex said. ‘I mean- Anyone would be.’

‘Would they?’ Sebastian said, gently turning Alex’s arm.

Keep touching me, Alex thought, with a level of thirst that unmanned him. Being close to Sebastian wasn’t making any of his weird crush feelings go away. It had been years. Years. All Alex wanted to do was get his other arm slashed open so Sebastian could keep touching him without being mean.

This was the closest they’d ever been. The longest they’d ever spent time together. Alex never saw Sebastian’s room back when he lived with Robin. He never saw much beyond that open garage and Sebastian working on his bike, when he wasn’t walking to the pier, to the train tracks, to the mountain lake, to the sea.

‘Harvey’s still going to have to look these over,’ Sebastian said critically, grimacing at his stitches. ‘You’re going to scar.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, feeling like he didn’t know how to speak at all around Sebastian, who talked in mostly whole sentences every single time. ‘Why don’t you call him Dr Harvey?’

Sebastian poked the needle through Alex’s skin, and for some reason that one hurt worse than the others, and Alex flinched.

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said. ‘I keep forgetting you don’t have any anaesthetic. Do you want some whisky or something?’

Alex felt cold all over. ‘No thanks.’

Sebastian hesitated and then looked up apologetically. It didn’t suit him as much as the smirk did. ‘Sorry. I forgot.’

Forgot what? Alex pressed his lips together. Sebastian didn’t know why Alex never drank, right?

‘I guess I call him Harvey because I’m not a kid anymore,’ Sebastian said. ‘He prefers it.’

‘Does he?’

Dr Harvey had never said anything to him about it, and now Alex wondered if he’d been fucking it up all this time. Or maybe Dr Harvey still saw him as a kid, despite the fact that Alex was in his mid-20s now. But he wasn’t like Sebastian. He’d never left the town. He lived in his grandparent’s house, and he was still there now. Even his job was like a teenager’s job. The rare times he had to call in a favour, he was calling it in with some sixteen- or eighteen-year-old who’d just gotten their licence and was excited to use it.

‘I didn’t know,’ Alex said finally.

‘You’ve been seeing him more than I have, so you might know better anyway.’

It felt like a peace offering.

The pain in his arm was getting worse, though it was looking better than before. Alex’s other hand was shaking, he pressed his palm flat to his jeans so Sebastian wouldn’t see. But he felt it through Alex’s injured arm, maybe.

Alex looked around again, at the multiple computer screens, the chrome fixtures, the open space, the baller sword. Sebastian was living a completely different life now, maybe he could afford to be nicer because he didn’t care about anyone in the town that much anymore. Maybe he wasn’t being mean because he just didn’t give a shit these days. It wasn’t niceness, it was distance.

‘Are you all right?’ Sebastian said. ‘You’re looking pale.’

‘No, yeah- I’m good. Just…gotta figure out what I’m going to do about deliveries tonight, and um, in the future, with Martingale’s farm.’

‘You’re not delivering tonight,’ Sebastian said, staring at him.

‘I have to get paid,’ Alex said.

The medical debt didn’t pay itself, and while the hospital was super generous about it all, Alex was going to be paying off some of those bills for a while. He was staying on top of the repayments, because he didn’t eat as much as he used to, and because Marnie gave him free eggs sometimes…

Sometimes he stared at those little cloth bags of diamonds Martingale casually put out every month or so and was amazed that people lived that way right here in Pelican Town.

Sebastian reached out, and Alex jerked backwards into the chair, and it was only when Sebastian stopped that Alex realised he was moving like he wanted to put his hand on his shoulder, not like he wanted to shove him.

Sebastian scoffed. ‘What, can’t handle a guy offering you reassurance, can you? Still homophobic?’

Alex felt sick. ‘Yeah,’ he said, because there was no other answer which didn’t end in: Try it again. Were you really going to touch me like that? And somehow, that was worse. No way would Sebastian ever go near him again after that. ‘Um, something- Yeah.’

Sebastian frowned, then let go of his arm, and Alex realised the stitches were all done. His arm was a bloodied mess, but the stitching was neat. It looked like something Dr Harvey would do.

‘I’m not homophobic,’ Alex said.

‘Sure,’ Sebastian said, standing up and taking the box of first aid supplies over to the fancy marble kitchen counter. He washed his hands, then poured a glass of water and brought it over, putting it on the table next to Alex.

Alex didn’t have the heart to fight. Whatever the rest of the night would bring was already overwhelming. The stitches were going to catch on everything. Maybe he’d have to bandage it. Fuck.

Well, there were bandages at home.

‘I should go,’ Alex said, standing abruptly, swaying while Sebastian’s back was turned, and slamming his hand into the table to stay upright. The table was solid. It didn’t even move. He looked at the floor and saw all the crap he’d brought in with him and felt like he’d just messed up Sebastian’s cool life with his own bullshit.

‘You can’t do the deliveries,’ Sebastian said, turning around, eyes going to where Alex’s hand was white-knuckled on the kitchen table.

‘No, just- I’ll just drop off Marnie’s stuff. And yours.’

‘Haley’s not even here to see your machismo, just drop it.’ Sebastian sounded so angry.

Alex nodded and moved towards the door. ‘Um, thanks,’ he said.

There was no point getting mad after the guy had stitched him up for free.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, grabbing his arm like he had before, when he pulled Alex into his house.

‘I can’t just leave everything in the ute,’ Alex said, staring at the door. ‘There’s like…consumables in there. I either have to do it now or in a few hours, and I’ll be tireder then, so I might as well do it now.’

‘Can’t someone else-’

‘No,’ Alex bit out, turning to glare at Sebastian and stopping himself at the last minute. He didn’t want a fight. Not at night. Not in someone’s home. Not when he’d been reminded of his dad already. ‘No. There’s just- It’s not… It’s not a job many people want to do. And I used up my favours when- Um. The funeral.’

Sebastian was quiet for a time, his hand still firm around Alex’s upper arm, keeping him in place.

‘Okay,’ he said, coming to some decision. ‘Then I’m coming with you. And I’m driving.’

Alex met his eyes then, and this close saw that there was a hint of green in the near-black depths. He’d never seen a colour like it.

Sebastian smirked. ‘You can owe me the favour instead.’

Notes:

I'm on Tumblr, posting memes and sometimes crying a little about writing but mostly it's memes and stuff.

Chapter 5: The Mansion

Notes:

Writing Martingale and Sebastian interacting while Alex just reacts like that Homer Simpson 'fading into a bush' gif made me extremely happy.

We have potential thunderstorms rolling in, but right now it's just flat clouds and flat moods.

‘There’s blood everywhere,’ Sebastian said, when he opened the driver side door to Alex’s ute and looked inside. ‘By Yoba, Alex, this is…’

Alex stood there, shivering, trying not to show it. His arm was hurting a lot now. He was pretty sure he could drive home one-handed if he took it slow. Meanwhile, Sebastian held his fancy blue-violet shiny sword in its hilt, the door in his other hand, and was staring at the driver’s seat, the steering wheel.

‘Just let me drive myself, yeah?’ Alex said. ‘I can totally do it.’

‘You’re totally delusional,’ Sebastian said under his breath. He stalked back to his house, but halfway there he came back and pointed at Alex. ‘Don’t you drive away, or I’ll follow you home anyway and wake Harvey up and tell him everything.’

Alex’s mouth closed, and he stood there, shaking.

Sebastian disappeared into his house and returned with a couple of dirty rags and a spray cleaner. He said nothing as he efficiently cleaned the steering wheel, the seat, then tossed the rags onto the console. He got in the ute and closed the door.

Alex got in after him, the passenger side feeling weird, because he’d never sat in it before. He reached to put on his seatbelt, only to realise doing it one-handed was really hard.

He held his breath when Sebastian leaned over him and clicked the seatbelt into place. Sebastian looked at him, and he was so close Alex could pretend they were friends or something, and they’d always been close like this. Sebastian’s eyes were all black now, with hardly any light to pick up a gleam from within.

‘I always thought your eyes were like…blue-black,’ Alex said, ‘but they’re green-black, aren’t they?’

Sebastian’s eyes widened a fraction and Alex thought: Nope, still look all-black right now.

‘I take after my mom,’ Sebastian said, withdrawing and putting on his own seatbelt.

‘She’s such a MILF,’ Alex said absently, because it’s what all the kids said back in high school. It was automatic, even though he didn’t have feelings for Robin either way.

Sebastian snorted like he was amused and started the ute.

‘She’s so into Demetrius,’ he said, reversing carefully, obviously getting used to the vehicle. Alex didn’t even know he could drive cars. He didn’t even check if Sebastian had more than his motorcycle license. ‘Letting down what seems like the whole school.’

‘Like every guy and quite a few girls in Pelican Town.’

‘And beyond, too,’ Sebastian said, smiling.

They had found a bizarre common ground. They weren’t even fighting. Alex sagged back into the seat and felt dizzy.

‘Really? Beyond?’

‘She’s done carpentry for other people in the Valley,’ Sebastian said. ‘Apparently women who wield axes is a thing?’

‘Yeah, I can see that,’ Alex said.

‘Why didn’t you get Harvey anyway? Like, he’s a doctor, it’s literally his job, he could always do with more money.’

Alex’s eyelids were heavy. The pain wasn’t invading his whole mind yet – he’d hurt worse in the past – but he could feel the stitches pulling on his skin and wondered how much better the whole thing would’ve been with anaesthetic. He had some of Grandma Evelyn’s heavy-duty painkillers back home, but he didn’t like taking things like that. He didn’t like taking anything that altered his state of mind.

But he felt like he’d consider it seriously in about an hour.

‘I mean that’s just it,’ Alex said, ‘Harvey costs money. An emergency callout is a lot.’

It was easier to fall back with this reason – which had some truth to it – than explain that Alex just wouldn’t have wanted to bother the guy.

He remembered how his dad used to react when Alex woke him up at night. Just better to not do it.

And he remembered his mom sometimes needing the older doctor – before Harvey came – for callouts, when his dad got violent enough. He just…didn’t like bothering doctors.

Sebastian was silent for some time. He hesitated at one of the turnoffs.

‘Uh, I should have checked. Are we going back to Wentworth’s?’

‘Yeah. If I can… If you- I mean you don’t have to, but-’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, sounding tired. He turned towards Martingale’s. Alex chewed on the inside of his lip a few times, then sighed and looked out the window, holding his arm gingerly against his chest. ‘When did you get like this, anyway?’

‘Like what?’ Alex said.

‘Like…I don’t know. How much is an emergency callout to Harvey anyway? Like how much are you making an hour on this job?’

‘The pay’s…okay,’ Alex said hesitantly. ‘It’s 8 gold an hour.’

Sebastian made some kind of sound, coughed, then looked over at him. ‘It’s what?’

‘You heard,’ Alex said.

‘I was making more than that when I was in high school.’

Yeah, people who could read well got better jobs, Alex didn’t want to hear it. He’d spent his life getting beefy, and now he was suited to the ‘lifting heavy things’ genre of job. Not that he was going to be useful tonight.

‘Alex, that’s not enough. Lewis is just using you. He would, the fucker.’

Alex stared at him in shock. Hardly anyone said anything bad against Mayor Lewis, and to hear Sebastian say something so rude floored him.

‘It’s better than it was,’ Alex said. ‘I got a raise after- So, like. I mean I used to make 5 an hour.’

Sebastian took a slow breath, exhaled heavily, then shook his head like the whole conversation was beneath him or something.

Alex still couldn’t believe Sebastian was here, in his ute, driving it. Couldn’t believe Sebastian had cleaned his wound, and touched him, and stitched him up, and talked to him. Couldn’t believe they hadn’t tried to really hurt each other, and it was just this weird snark, like neither of them had learned how to talk to a human in their entire lives, which just wasn’t true. Sebastian had so many friends.

‘Do you like being back?’ Alex ventured.

‘Mm, it’s okay. Mom made a nice house, but she had some pretty strict specifications from me. I was willing to bring in outside help if she couldn’t do it, and she didn’t like that.’

‘Oh. I thought she was just like…being nice because she’s your mom.’

‘She is nice,’ Sebastian said, then smirked. ‘I’m just particular, these days. She was fine with it. She got paid well, and I was able to special order her some extra lumber from trees that don’t grow around here. So she’s doing personal project stuff with that. Leah will probably buy some off her.’

‘Cool.’

Alex pressed his lips together as a lance of pain bolted up his forearm into his shoulder, and he pushed back into the passenger seat. He sensed Sebastian looking over at him but couldn’t make eye contact.

‘Is it bad?’ Sebastian said.

What the fuck do you think? No. Couldn’t say that. ‘It’s not great.’

‘Yeah. We’re nearly there. It won’t be too much longer.’

Alex really needed to get the ute back from Sebastian, because he’d seen how much stock Martingale had, and he knew it would be more than one trip, which always added some hours onto the shift.

And then Sebastian was pulling up into that unnatural darkness, swearing under his breath, getting out of the car in one smooth movement while leaving the engine idling.

‘Wait there,’ Sebastian ordered.

Alex wasn’t going anywhere, he was tempted to slide down into the dark space under the glovebox and completely vanish. No way did he want to see that monster again.

But instead he watched in amazement as Sebastian unsheathed the sword, which seemed to glow in the darkness. And two horrible silhouettes shambling up to him – had they really been that slow, Alex swore the one he encountered was way faster – and Alex shouted out a warning, couldn’t help it, but the sword flashed once, twice, and the creatures disintegrated with a hideous, wretched sound that felt like nails on a chalkboard.

Sebastian walked around the whole ute, then came back, still clutching the sword.

‘Come on,’ Sebastian said.

So Alex got out of the ute, went over to the shipping bin to assess the stock once more, then made a sound of surprise when Sebastian grabbed the fabric of his shirt and pulled him towards Martingale’s house.

‘What are you doing?’ Alex said.

‘You’ll get to see how stupid he looks when he wakes up after 2 in the morning,’ Sebastian said.

‘No, wait, Sebastian. I didn’t want to-’

A high-pitched chittering sound and Sebastian swung around, and Alex caught the glimpse of something pink-violet flying aggressively towards them, an erratic flying style, mean angry little eyes.

‘Oh you’re kidding,’ Sebastian said, his voice deeper than before.

Alex rued his body and brain for still finding Sebastian hot in all of this. Maybe he needed to see a therapist or something. Maybe there was a ‘shut the fuck up, libido’ pill. Probably it was just filming Pam when she was drunk and replaying it over and over again.

Sebastian shoved Alex down onto the steps of Martingale’s house and got both hands around his sword. The bat was surprisingly hard to kill, taking three powerful strokes of that blue-violet sword, and Sebastian looked pissed off, and Alex thought his shoulders bunched up nicely when he swung the sword back and then forward again. Made him feel like he should get back to the gym and use the rowing machine for the first time in ages.

The creature died, leaving behind a surprising amount of shiny stuff. Alex knew vaguely that all the evil creatures had been cursed by Yoba to leave desirable items behind to attract the brave and good warriors who killed them – that was most of what Sebastian was shipping after all – but it was weird seeing it happen. He wasn’t religious, but it was kind of hard to be an atheist sometimes.

Sebastian didn’t even look at the items that had fallen, instead pulling Alex back up again and keeping a hand on his sleeve, dragging him forward as he stalked up the steps. He pounded on Martingale’s door, then opened it and went inside.

‘Wentworth!’ Sebastian shouted. He slammed the door shut behind him. Alex nearly tripped over a giant pot plant.

Sebastian turned the overhead light on, and Alex blinked, then stared around in amazement. There were way more pot plants than he expected.

Alex heard the sound of a normally very formal man grumbling in bed. And then: ‘No, s’not the first day of Spring yet.’

‘Fuck’s sake, Wentworth, wake up, you miserable rat bastard.’

Alex stared at Sebastian, feeling like he’d never seen him before. And then, fascinated, he followed Sebastian into another room, which turned out to be Martingale’s bedroom. Sebastian turned the lights on, leaned the sword carefully against the wall, then yanked the huge and soft comforter off Martingale’s giant bed.

Martingale sat bolt upright, wearing comfortable-looking, pale blue pyjamas, hair sticking in every direction.

‘…Did my homework already,’ he said blearily, rubbing at his face.

Wow, he is a mess.

Sebastian walked over to him and grabbed him by the pyjama top and shook him. Martingale’s eyes opened slowly, and he looked at Sebastian in confusion. For a few seconds, Alex could’ve sworn Martingale’s entire expression softened, but then his eyes turned sharp.

‘Why are you here?’ he said, his voice still grainy from sleep. And then he looked over and saw Alex, his eyes narrowing. ‘Why is he here?’

‘You didn’t tell anyone you were using the witch’s magic to put monsters on your farm? You want to see what you’re responsible for? Show him, Alex.’

Sebastian didn’t even turn back to look at him, and suddenly Alex felt like he didn’t belong here. He was being made a part of something he didn’t want to be a part of. He hated when couples argued like this.

‘Show him,’ Sebastian said again, turning to Alex this time.

Alex rubbed at the back of his head, then straightened out his sore arm. He couldn’t get it fully straight, it hurt too much.

‘This is what one of your monsters did, because you didn’t have the sense to tell Mayor Lewis what you were doing. What do you think happens with all your stock, Wentworth? Do you think it’s magic? Do you think fairies come and magically take it away and magically give it to Pierre and the other vendors? You’re affecting real people! You never think.’

Martingale pushed out of bed and walked over to Alex, then reached for his injured arm. Alex took a step backwards. No way did he want that dude touching him. Martingale didn’t look away from the stitched-up furrows in Alex’s arm.

‘At least put a fence up or something,’ Sebastian said. ‘But bats? The iridium ones? Are you kidding?’

‘I don’t control what monsters appear,’ Martingale said absently. He sat back down on the bed like he was dazed.

‘Fix it,’ Sebastian said. ‘And pay for him to see Harvey.’

‘What?’ Alex said. ‘No.’

‘Yes, well, I can do that much at least,’ Martingale said. ‘Strange to see you championing anyone, Seb.’

‘Had to learn how to champion myself, after living with you,’ Sebastian said, his voice dark.

Alex pretended he was furniture, pretended no one could see him, because these two had almost no water under the bridge. It was all dry riverbed under the bridge. It was fucking thorns. Alex couldn’t even be curious, his brain shut down. He was too tired, in too much pain for any of this.

Martingale walked into the kitchen, opened a cupboard, and drew out one of those small black cloth bags he usually kept the diamonds in. Then he grabbed a couple of handfuls of gold from a basket under the sink and put it into the bag without counting, walked over and handed it to Alex.

Alex stared at the bag of gold, then at Sebastian, then towards the front door, where no doubt more monsters were waiting. Man, he did not want to be involved in this.

‘You might as well take it,’ Sebastian said. ‘Martingale lost any true concept of the value of money a while back. Haven’t you wondered why there’s a shortage of parsnips in the town now? They’re not worth it anymore. He doesn’t give a damn about diversity in the fruit and vegetable market, or the artisanal market.’

‘The soil is arable throughout Pelican Town,’ Martingale said sniffily. ‘People can grow their own parsnips. It’s not hard.’

Alex took the money. He was starting to think he might need it as compensation for watching these two in the same room together.

‘And? What are you going to do to stop this from happening?’ Sebastian demanded.

‘It’s too early for this, Sebastian. You could have called.’

‘Nothing’s going to wake you from your nightly coma once you’re down,’ Sebastian said, looking around the house searchingly. ‘If you’re so familiar with the witch that you can do all this magic, what’s next? How are you going to protect the people who visit here at night?’

Even Alex spotted the jab, Sebastian obliquely referencing the divorce. Marriages were binding, sacred to Yoba, and it was impossible to annul a marriage at all. At least, that’s what everyone had thought until Martingale went to the witch and used dark magic. Alex was a little jealous for a while. Maybe if his mom had known about the witch, she might have gotten a divorce from his fucked-up dad.

The money was heavy in his palm.

‘I’ll talk to the Wizard,’ Martingale said. ‘In a few hours. It will be the first thing I do. I suspect he’ll have something I can use to protect the area around the shipping bin…’

Martingale stared at Sebastian’s sword like he’d only just noticed it. His eyes widened.

‘Is that a modified Galaxy Sword?’

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s made from a rudenite and iridium alloy. And it doesn’t have a dumbass name.’

‘Can I hold it?’ Martingale said.

‘No. What you can do is get your own stupid sword and help out while we load your stock into the back of Alex’s ute.’

‘Ah, I’m not much use after- Well, at this time of night.’

‘I remember. But some half-assed defence from you is better than nothing. Come on, get the sword.’

Alex looked at the bag of money in his hand. He was surprised at the dynamic between Martingale and Sebastian. Sebastian was pushier – way pushier – than Alex thought. He’d always imagined their relationship to be one where Martingale always got his way, right until the bitter end when he divorced Sebastian.

Martingale found his sword, then went straight outside in his pyjamas, bare-footed, like he didn’t care about shoes. Alex watched in amazement.

Sebastian watched him go and sighed explosively.

‘You hate him,’ Alex said, because he had to say something.

‘I don’t hate him,’ Sebastian said, dark gaze flickering towards Alex’s. ‘It’s too complicated to be hate.’

‘You’re mean to him.’

Sebastian’s eyes widened, then tilted his head at Alex like he couldn’t work out what he’d just said. Alex was pretty sure his words were clear enough, but maybe not, because his arm was making everything hard. Maybe this was what being drunk felt like. Even standing was an effort.

‘That’s…rich, coming from you, don’t you think?’ Sebastian said finally.

Oh, right.

Alex and Sebastian had no water under their bridge either, probably. Maybe it was all thorns under there too. Alex hoped not, but everything in high school was so messy. Alex still thought Sebastian could be mean though.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said finally. It was rich, probably. Alex could be mean too.

Sebastian kept watching him, like Alex was a puzzle, which was dumb, because Alex had said the least out of any of them.

‘That’s it? You’re just accepting that?’ Sebastian said.

‘I mean, yeah,’ Alex said, smiling crookedly. ‘I don’t know what else to say.’

‘You should sit down,’ Sebastian said, looking concerned. ‘We can get everything loaded up.’

‘Careful of Marnie’s eggs.’ Sitting down sounded so appealing, even in Martingale’s weird house. ‘I should probably do it.’

‘I can be careful of some eggs,’ Sebastian said, his voice softening.

‘They’re in the foam. But- Some might’ve cracked with everything. I drove out of here so fast before. I’m gonna go and check them.’

‘Oh no,’ Sebastian said, walking over to him and taking him by the upper arm, his grip firm, but gentler than it had been earlier. ‘You’re going to sit down. If any of the eggs are cracked, Martingale will pay for them.’

Alex let himself be steered to the chair, which was pulled out smoothly when Sebastian hooked an ankle around it. Alex sat down heavily, jarring his tailbone. He didn’t even care.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, hefting up his sword, but peering into Alex’s eyes. ‘You know I’m angry like this because I’m mad at Wentworth putting you in this situation, right? It’s not- We weren’t always…like this.’

‘Um,’ Alex said. ‘I didn’t know that.’

Sebastian grimaced. ‘Yeah, we’re getting you to Harvey before the night is out. You’re so out of it. But first, let’s actually get your shift completed.’

‘I can do it,’ Alex said, blinking at the wooden floor. Sebastian was right, Martingale really liked wood. A lot of it. All different kinds. And plants.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘How about you just don’t, though.’

With that, Sebastian opened the front door, letting in the sound of Martingale’s sword hitting something squelchy. The door closed, and Alex was alone, and Martingale and Sebastian were out there fighting off monsters together like some amazing power couple.

Alex sighed and lowered his forehead to the table and tried not to think about it.

Notes:

Come find me on Tumblr!

Chapter 6: Leaky Breaks

Notes:

I've started playing ANOTHER farm in SDV (pls to be ignoring the 1600 hours of play-time Steam tells me I have in this) and it's been fun imagining all the ways our boys are living in this little town.

Alex thought he’d get to talk more with Sebastian, but after the ute was loaded up, the pain was strong enough that he’d become too foggy to do much at all. He felt useless as he squinted out at the roads and directed Sebastian from place to place. Every time he offered to help, Sebastian knocked him back.

‘How often are you making multiple trips to Wentworth’s?’ Sebastian said, when they went to make the second pick-up.

‘Twice a week usually.’

‘You really need to talk to Lewis about how much you make.’

‘It’s not exactly skilled labour, is it?’ Alex said, annoyed, because anyone could fucking do it.

‘Seems to need skills as far as I’m concerned,’ Sebastian muttered.

At the end of the night, Sebastian parked the ute and took Alex over to Dr Harvey’s, ignoring his increasingly weak protests. After all, he had a heavy sack of gold now, he could afford it. His arm fucking hurt.

He felt like he’d never gotten warm again after getting injured, dousing his arm in that cold water. He was shivery and felt weak, and Sebastian stood there beside him, tall and broad-shouldered, because apparently what he did now was work in computer stuff and then turn into an amazing monster slayer.

‘Are you friends with Marlon?’ Alex asked dumbly, as Sebastian pounded on the door again. The older seasoned monster hunter used to scare the shit out of Alex when he was younger. Dude looked like he'd seen everything. But Sebastian was living near him now.

‘He’s okay, why?’

‘Nothing.’

He sensed Sebastian looking at him but stared down at the bricks instead. The door opened, and Dr Harvey exclaimed when he saw Alex and his arm and ushered him inside.

‘You don’t need to stay,’ Dr Harvey said firmly to Sebastian.

‘He needs to get home safely,’ Sebastian said.

‘I’ll do it.’

‘He was worried about money.’

‘I have money,’ Alex said stupidly. ‘Martingale gave it to me. Because I’m the town charity case.’

Dr Harvey’s eyes were disapproving, and finally he glared at Sebastian. ‘Check in on him later if you’re worried.’

Sebastian sighed, left, and Alex was pulled into one of the exam rooms and sat quietly on the bed as Dr Harvey took his arm and mused to himself about healing tonics and antibiotics.

‘He did a good job stitching, right?’ Alex said.

‘Did he clean the wound?’

‘Yeah. A lot. Way more than I would.’

‘How did you get this, Alex?’

Alex shrugged and could sense the way Dr Harvey was looking at him, and he was weak to that stare the same way he’d been weak to it when they used to talk about treating Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George. He still thought it was amazing that Sebastian called him Harvey. Doctors had earned respect. His dad used to joke that they needed respect because they were the ones in the town who had all the things that could poison you to death or kill you.

‘The farmer…has put like…monsters on his farm. And I didn’t know. So when I did the pick-up tonight, I just got done, um, I mean, I got hurt, like…attacked. Super uncool. I went to Sebastian’s after and tried cleaning up everything so I could keep doing my shift, but he must’ve noticed so he like…cleaned stuff up and stitched it and then we finished off the rest of my shift because he wouldn’t let me do it on my own.’

‘I’m surprised he let you finish it at all.’

‘I mean he wanted me to come here, but no one seems to realise how expensive… Never mind. Martingale- When he realised about the monsters and stuff, he gave me that.’

Alex looked over to the heavy cloth bag of gold.

‘I’d treat you for free, Alex,’ Dr Harvey said, sounding exasperated, as he did something with some of the stitches that made Alex blanch. Fucking hell, it hurt. Dr Harvey looked concerned, he palpated the swollen skin, and Alex forced himself to stare ahead and not react, but it was getting harder now. When he was this tired, it was hard to be strong.

‘You need to be paid,’ Alex said. ‘Grandma Evelyn always said people need to be paid fairly for what they do, that’s just…life.’

‘I’ve got some good antibiotics that will clear out any infection. I’m going to give you some painkillers. You’re spending the day here.’

‘What? No- I can get sleep at home, and I have a shift tonight, so-’

‘It’s not up for discussion, Alex,’ Dr Harvey said, and as Alex looked up at him, he shifted his glasses. ‘I haven’t seen you for some time, I have to say I’m a bit disappointed that I’m seeing you like this.’

Alex didn’t know what to say. He just nodded.

‘Just…well, if you must know, it’s because I’m worried,’ Dr Harvey said.

‘I didn’t put monsters on Martingale’s farm.’

‘I know,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘I’m not saying this is your fault. I’m just worried. Some of the other townsfolk are saying they haven’t seen you at the gym for months. But now’s not the time to talk about it. I’m going to get some meds organised, and we’ll put you in one of the quiet rooms and I’ll block out the light as best as I can, so you can get some sleep.’

‘It’s not that bad,’ Alex said, looking at his arm. It really did look that fucking bad.

He startled when Dr Harvey grasped his other arm in what must have been reassurance. ‘I won’t be long,’ Dr Harvey said.

He walked out, and only then did Alex realise he meant to apologise for waking him up so early in the first place. He slid sideways on the bed and fell asleep.

*

Alex woke in a few hours, bleary, his mouth cottony and dry. He knew Dr Harvey must have gotten him up for meds, but he couldn’t remember it. When he looked down at his arm, it was bandaged, and it felt bruised and achy. He didn’t know how he was going to do deliveries that night, but he’d find a way.

He pushed up dizzily. He didn’t like the smell of hospitals, even small ones like Dr Harvey’s clinic. The cleaning agents they used with their strong antiseptics always reminded him of his mom, his dad, and now his grandparents. He didn’t want to be here. But he sat there because Dr Harvey hadn’t told him he could leave.

Dr Harvey came to check on him, and seemed surprised he was awake.

‘I’ve got work,’ Alex said.

‘I’ve sorted that out with Mayor Lewis,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘He’s arranged for you to continue to get paid while you take a few days off. After all, this is an injury you got on the job, he’s technically liable to pay for all of your treatment and needs over the next week, at least, and I made sure he knew it.’

‘I don’t want to be trouble for Mayor Lewis.’

‘Alex…’ Dr Harvey pulled over a chair and sat beside him. ‘When did things get so bad? Not with your arm, but mentally you seem to be…struggling?’

‘What?’ That was news to him.

‘I could have put that more delicately,’ Dr Harvey said, pushing up his glasses. ‘You do understand what happened to your arm wasn’t your fault, don’t you? And Mayor Lewis should be held accountable too?’

‘Sebastian got angry at Martingale. But you know, they’re divorced, so I think he’s just angry at him.’

‘Well, hang on a minute there, Alex. You didn’t answer my question. You know what happened to your arm wasn’t your fault? That you need to rest?’

Alex felt like he used to back in English class, when they asked him to read a paragraph out loud and made him go back to the beginning again when he couldn’t puzzle out all the words and made some up, in the hopes he’d get it right. He got the impression a shrug wouldn’t fly with Dr Harvey, either.

‘I mean…I guess?’ Alex said. ‘Does that matter?’

Dr Harvey looked at him for a long time, a long-ass fucking time, and then he sighed and wrote something in Alex’s chart, and Alex desperately wanted to know what he could do to fix whatever he’d fucked up.

He was fine, really. Everything was fine. Surely if he believed it enough, it had to be true, right? His mom used to say the same words over and over again, even when she was bruised, even when she couldn’t walk, and she’d smile at him and it would be true, wouldn’t it? If you could smile, if you could still do the things you were meant to do, it was fine, right?

‘So I’m not working tonight?’ Alex said, Dr Harvey’s words finally filtering through.

‘You’re not working until those stitches are out. Which is ten days from now.’

‘Ten days?’

‘Ten days,’ Dr Harvey said firmly.

Motherfucker.

‘You said a few days off, ten days is longer than a few. That’s nearly two weeks!’

‘You know, sometimes I actually miss the days when you were about eighty percent arrogant teenager. This isn’t a discussion, Alex.’

‘I’m sure Martingale has like potions or something.’

‘Not everything can be fixed with magic,’ Dr Harvey said acerbically.

After that, Dr Harvey wrote up some scripts for him, passed those onto Maru at the front counter, who filled them all quickly and gave Alex a bunch of antibiotics and painkillers with instructions to not have any of it on an empty stomach.

‘Don’t stop taking the antibiotics just because you feel better,’ Maru said, smiling apologetically. ‘I know that seems silly, but you really have to take all of them, okay?’

‘Sure,’ he said.

It was wild to him that they went to high school together, and now Maru was doing pretty cool shit with robotics and worked with Dr Harvey, and Alex was…well, going home with instructions to not work for ten days. Ten days! What was he supposed to do?

Maybe he could see Haley.

What he actually did was go home, shower awkwardly – realising it was going to be a fucking pain to keep the stitches dry – and get some more sleep.

*

He woke early evening, and the pain wasn’t good at all. He walked down to the kitchen and heated some tinned soup, so he had something in his stomach for the meds. He took the pills and stared at the bandage around his arm, angry at himself. Maybe if he’d been faster he wouldn’t have been wounded at all.

Dr Harvey’s pointed questions echoed in his mind. What the hell was wrong with his mental wellbeing? Sure, he was still shaken up after the deaths of his grandparents, but wouldn’t anyone feel that way if they all lived under the same roof?

After a while, Alex got up and cleaned the dish and spoon mostly one-handed, because moving the fingers connected to his injured forearm pulled at the stitches and felt wrong. He put the dish and the spoon in the rack to dry, and almost opened the curtains to let in the light, even though there was none. It was a throwback to when he used to live during the daylight hours, when Grandma Evelyn was too weak to open the curtains, but wanted warmth in the house, and Alex would get up dutifully and let the sun and air in.

Alex looked around the house. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t play video games and he didn’t own any to play in the first place. He didn’t read as a hobby, not unless he really wanted the headache, and he didn’t really love watching television either.

A knock at the door, and Alex got up, thinking it might be Dr Harvey checking in on him after finishing work in the clinic. Maybe even Mayor Lewis, checking he was really injured or something.

Instead, he opened the door to Sebastian. Today he wore faded grey skinny jeans that looked really fucking good on him. He had a turtleneck black sweater, and a thick black coat over it. His hair was windswept.

Sebastian could probably come out of a congealed green swamp covered in newspaper and eels and shit and he’d still look good.

‘Uh, hi,’ Alex said awkwardly.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, like Alex had asked a question. ‘I thought you might want some help with work. There’s no way you can deliver stuff on your own, and I can take a few days off from my job to help.’

Alex stared at him. That was…a generous thing to do. Wasn’t it? That was kind.

‘That’s- I mean, thanks, but Dr Harvey talked to Mayor Lewis while I was sleeping and I’ve got like…a forced ten days off now.’

‘You must hate that,’ Sebastian said, smirking.

‘I fucking hate it so much,’ Alex said, and wondered how much staring at Sebastian was too much staring. He kept trying to see the bit of green in his eyes, but they just looked black again.

‘So…’ Sebastian said.

‘You want to come in?’ Alex blurted out. ‘For like- Coffee?’

‘I like coffee,’ Sebastian said, something soft and gentle in his voice, in the smile that followed. ‘Do you want me to make it?’

‘No?’ Alex said. ‘I’m not- It’s just one arm. I can fucking make coffee.’

Sebastian took off his coat and hung it on one of the hooks in the hall, as Alex closed the door behind him. When Alex went to show him into the kitchen, he stopped and watched Sebastian looking around the house. The giant empty space felt like a hollowed nothing now his grandparents were gone.

‘You haven’t changed anything?’ Sebastian said, sounding surprised. ‘It all looks the same.’

Alex couldn’t remember a time when Sebastian had ever come over. But it’d probably happened when they were kids or something. Robin probably knew Alex’s mom once, a long time ago, but Alex remembered nothing good from his childhood. Nothing good except for his mom still being alive.

‘I wouldn’t know how to change it,’ Alex admitted.

‘You could turn the lounge into a gym or something.’

Alex stared into the lounge and couldn’t imagine anything except for the way it was. Grandpa George’s old television set and the bookshelves behind it that had always intimidated the hell out of Alex. The comfortable couches, the vases now empty of wildflowers.

‘Nah,’ Alex said finally, walking into the kitchen and turning the overhead light on, so it wasn’t just the lamp glowing dimly in the corner. He got out two cups, the coffee, and filled up the kettle, though it was already mostly full. He listened to Sebastian walking around the loungeroom, and wondered what he was seeing.

What was the world like, through Sebastian’s eyes? It was probably bigger because he’d lived in other places. It was complicated, because he’d been married and then divorced. Was it easier because he had money? Or was it just as hard? Alex didn’t feel like he could ask.

Sebastian came and sat at the table, and then he got up again, like he was filled with nervous energy. Alex watched him open the fridge and felt ashamed of all the things he didn’t have, all the food he didn’t buy.

‘What do you eat?’ Sebastian asked.

‘Tinned food is cheap,’ Alex said. ‘I get why Grandma used to go berry-picking in spring and summer and stuff now. But it’s harder with the delivery job. Night-time’s not great for like…that kind of thing.’

‘I was kind of surprised when I came back to the Valley, and you weren’t a personal trainer or something.’

Alex said nothing for some time, and when Sebastian sat at the table again, he decided to reply.

‘Caroline has that market cornered. It’s also not the kind of place that needs personal trainers, you know? But they’ll always need delivery drivers.’

‘Only because the pay’s so shit.’

Alex smiled and turned, spooning in the instant coffee. He was pretty sure he saw one of those fancy coffeemakers at Sebastian’s house. He hoped this would be good enough.

‘How’s the arm?’ Sebastian asked. ‘Ten days is a long time to be out from work.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘The arm’s okay. Sorry for getting you involved in all of that, last night.’

‘Harvey ripped me a new one for not taking you to see him straight away.’

‘No shit?’ Alex said, turning to look at him.

Sebastian was staring at him oddly, and Alex’s forehead furrowed. ‘What is it?’

Sebastian pointed at his own bare chin. ‘Not used to seeing you with stubble.’

Is it ugly? Do you want me to shave?

‘Yeah, it grows faster than it used to, that’s for sure. Haley gets on my case about it, if I get too beardy.’

‘So you and her are a thing?’

‘Me and Haley?’ Alex said, and then realised that no one – least of all Sebastian – would understand why he felt so incredulous at the idea. He cleared his throat, poured hot water into the mugs. ‘No, no, she’s- She’s a friend.’

‘Really? Still? I would’ve thought after all this time you’d be at least dating by now. Everyone in the town expected you both to get married. I mean, you took her to prom.’

‘Yeah, she needed someone to go to prom with,’ Alex said, bringing Sebastian’s mug over, because he couldn’t carry two at the same time. ‘And she didn’t really trust any of the other guys. So I went with her.’

‘You make it sound like it wasn’t a date,’ Sebastian said.

‘Well, it wasn’t,’ Alex said, flushing uncomfortably. ‘Haley’s her own person, and we’ve never seen each other that way.’

He sat at the table and thought this was how time erased his family. Because now it was him and Sebastian sitting opposite each other, instead of Alex at the table with his grandparents, maybe eating some choc-chip cookies as Grandma Evelyn talked about the flowers she wanted to plant up in summer, and Alex wondered how many sets and reps he’d be able to manage while bench-pressing that day.

‘I mean, don’t get me wrong,’ Alex continued, ‘when I was younger – like real young – I used to think we’d get married and have babies, all of that. But it never went that way.’

‘Did you want it to? Like, does that make you sad?’

Alex couldn’t look at Sebastian, because he was afraid the rawness of his feelings would be too obvious. ‘Nah,’ he said, stirring his coffee and watching the liquid swirl.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’d just assumed… I just assumed you were either together or heading in that direction. Sam and Abi say you hang out a lot.’

‘Yeah, we’re friends,’ Alex said. ‘She’s a good friend. I know she seems… I know she can come across kind of prissy, or whatever, but she’s not really like that. She’s got a soft heart. She was underselling her nail business for years. She’s still underselling it. Someone comes to her who can’t properly afford to get their nails done, and she’ll do them for free.’

Alex wondered what it had been like, Sebastian and Martingale, fucking and doing whatever it was they did. In the past, he’d imagined Sebastian bottomed, but now he couldn’t picture it, and he didn’t know why.

It was shameful now. Sebastian was gay, and Martingale was gay, and most of the folks in Pelican Town pretended like it was fine and great, but Alex knew not everyone felt that way. He remembered well enough how his dad used to talk about ‘homos,’ and how if a same sex couple ever came to one of the festivals, they’d get stares. Even if the stares weren’t outright hostile, and were only curious, people stared all the same.

Worse, Alex had been one of those people. He’d believed the shit his dad told him, and he didn’t know what to do with the fact that he wasn’t into girls. It was something he kept hoping he could strangle to death, like maybe if he ignored it long enough, it would just go away.

When Sebastian sat opposite him at the table like this, Alex was ashamed of how hungry he was for things he’d never really thought of before. Did Martingale and Sebastian drink coffee opposite each other, at a table, while they were in love? Did they share meals together? Did they sit on the same couch? Of course they did.

‘Anyway,’ Alex said, ‘Haley’s great, and she’s gonna find someone amazing, one day. But it won’t be me.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘I feel that. People used to think Abigail and me would end up together, way back when.’

‘Man, I remember that,’ Alex said. ‘They really did. It’s like the whole town paired us off with each other before we had much of a say in the matter. Right?’

‘And it was all so incredibly heterosexual,’ Sebastian said. ‘Not that most of the town would’ve been bothered by that.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, forcing himself to drink the coffee. It was too hot. But scalding his mouth still didn’t hurt as much as his chest did, picturing what it might be like to share his life with someone, hating that he still couldn’t imagine sharing it with anyone other than Sebastian.

Notes:

In our next chapter:

‘Hey, what are we doing?’

‘Exploring,’ Sebastian said. He walked right up to the Community Centre door and to Alex’s amazement, inserted a bobby pin and another long piece of metal into the lock.

‘We’re breaking in?’ Alex hissed.

‘You don’t know how to have any fun,’ Sebastian said. ‘What, you’re going to go tell on me?’

‘No- Just… I mean, come on, man, it’s the Community Centre.’

‘Yeah, and it should cater for the night owls just as much as it caters to everyone else.’

*

Come find me on Tumblr! I post excerpts there and stuff.

Chapter 7: Where Have You Been?

Notes:

When it all goes well and then it all goes wrong x.x (I'm sorry Alex, it gets better!)

(Also thanks for all the love you're showing this fic! It's super motivational sdalkfas I'm actually going to be able to put up two chapters this month!

‘I really thought you would’ve changed it,’ Sebastian said, looking around the house again. ‘I thought it would be like…covered in posters of your favourite sports players or something.’

‘I mean, you’re not the only one who gets to grow up,’ Alex said, pressing his tongue to the roof of his mouth, it tasted weird since he’d burnt it on the coffee.

‘I imagined you going in a really different direction.’

It was painfully obvious even to Alex that Sebastian imagined a bullshit, meaningless life for him. One where he put up pictures of sports players even though he wasn’t one himself. One where he married Haley, they had children, probably they lived together in his grandparents’ house while Alex got older and dreamed of yesteryear when he used to be popular.

That was the thing Sebastian never really understood. Alex was good at sports, sure. And a lot of the guys on the sports teams admired him, definitely. But he was a loner. He couldn’t have anyone over at his place when he was growing up because he never knew what mood his dad would be in, and he never knew if his mom would have too many bruises. Afterwards, he couldn’t have anyone over because his mom was single and struggling, and then she was sick and dying.

After unknowingly giving off a persona of being completely arrogant and unreachable, Alex leaned into it, because it was easier. Easier to push people away before they ever got close, and most of the people in this fucking town already thought he was a dickhead so why not be a dickhead, then?

But it was harder than he thought, to live down to people’s expectations. And it was hard now, reaping what he’d sown, because sometimes he wondered if he was separate to the arrogant piece of shit he’d become. He used to think he was one person, and everyone saw another person. Now he thought the only real difference was that he was gay, and no one knew.

At least Haley stuck by him. Alex never really knew why. She said it was because he was safe, but for a long time, Alex hadn’t felt safe at all. But his grandparents had loved Haley, and Grandma Evelyn always liked the excuse to bake for her, making sure she ate enough, even while Haley demurred about her figure and then gave in and ate like six cookies.

‘You’re quieter than I remember,’ Sebastian said, turning the coffee mug on the table. Alex tried not to stare at his fingers. Tried not to imagine what they’d feel like on his face.

‘I’m just shit at talking,’ Alex said, laughing.

‘How’s your arm?’

‘It’s sore but okay, like, the painkillers help. But I don’t want to take too many. There’s antibiotics too.’

‘Wentworth should be able to figure something out to stop the monsters while you’re off from work. Hopefully by the time you start again, you won’t have to worry about it anymore.’

It hurt more, them being polite like this. It hurt because it was like opening a door into a world Alex knew he couldn’t have. Both of them sitting and talking, having coffee together.

‘Don’t you have work?’ Alex said abruptly.

‘I can pick my own hours,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s the kind of work where as long as I deliver the code by the deadline, I can do what I like.’

‘Must be nice.’

‘It is,’ Sebastian said. ‘I worked hard to get to this point. I earned it.’

‘I…didn’t say that you didn’t,’ Alex said, picking up the defensiveness in Sebastian’s voice and wondering if he’d said something wrong. ‘Computer stuff is hard.’

‘I mean- No, well, it’s not that hard,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s just…sometimes I think I gave up a lot of my life to get this good at it.’

‘And then you got good at fighting things. That’s like…kind of cool.’

‘I had to tell Abigail about it, and-’

‘-Did she lose her absolute fucking mind?’

‘She did,’ Sebastian said, half-smiling in a way that made Alex have to look away. He wanted someone to smile like that for him. ‘She really did. She’s been begging me to take her ever since, so I’ve been screening her calls because it’s tedious. She just doesn’t listen when I tell her that like, unless she goes through some serious training first, I am never taking her into the caves. I mean you’ve seen for yourself…’

‘I never wanted to go into those caves,’ Alex said, holding up one of his hands and laughing. ‘I’ve had my close encounter, thanks, and I pretty much always expected it to be that awful. I just thought I’d be like…dead at the end.’

Sebastian fell silent, looking at the bandage on Alex’s arm. His expression grim. And Alex hadn’t considered the fact he could’ve straight-up died on Martingale’s farm, but he thought about it now. He could tell Sebastian was thinking about it too. Just like that, he could’ve been ripped apart and maybe even eaten, and Martingale would’ve probably just been pissed Alex’s ute was still on the property.

‘I don’t know how you handle it,’ Alex said. ‘That’s a kind of thrill-seeking I couldn’t do.’

‘I mean you don’t start with the most dangerous mines,’ Sebastian said. ‘Most people going into the caves… but yeah, it’s still dangerous. Wentworth made it sound easy, and I had an interest, so he taught me. But there were some close calls.’

‘Why do you call him Wentworth?’

‘Because I do,’ Sebastian said, the words colder than anything else he’d said that night. And then he stood and drained the rest of the coffee. ‘Well, thanks.’

‘Uh, sure,’ Alex said, knowing he’d said the wrong thing, having no idea why. In the past he would’ve teased Sebastian, or been mean about it, but now he didn’t see the point. He had no leg to stand on, he was never going to win.

‘Yeah, you don’t need to see me out,’ Sebastian said, and then he smiled a little, ‘I know the way.’

Sebastian walked out and closed the door behind him, and Alex was left feeling cold, like he’d caused the end of their chat somehow. In the end, he poured the rest of the coffee down the sink and went back to bed.

*

The next day he woke late afternoon, and decided to see if Haley was home. But she texted back that she was with a client, and he remembered most people actually worked during the day and decided to do a grocery run instead.

He stood in Pierre’s awkwardly, because even some of the tinned food was expensive. It was all organic home-grown local shit. That was all well and good if you had the money to afford it, but sometimes he really missed Joja’s, not that he’d ever tell Grandma Evelyn that. She loved Pierre’s.

When he paid, he was using some of farmer Martingale’s money, but the farmer really hadn’t seemed to care about it when he’d handed it all to him. It meant Alex could get some preserved peaches and apples, some bread, along with more tinned baked beans and soups. He stocked up on eggs, stared longingly at some bacon, at the salmon fillets in the fridge section, and turned away from both with a sigh.

Leah used to talk about how good the forage was in the woods, maybe Alex would have to check that out some day, but he couldn’t tell the difference between what was poisonous and what wasn’t. He was pretty sure milk was cheaper if he got it direct at Marnie’s though, so maybe…

Whatever.

He walked home and nodded politely at Elliott, who smiled and waved, while his hair blew gaily in the evening winds. Dude was like a romance novel hero, living by the sea. Alex was pretty sure he and Leah had been hooking up for a while, but they both seemed to be ‘free spirits,’ and he didn’t know if they’d ever get married.

When he got home, he slowly put everything away. His arm was hurting badly, because he’d needed to use it to carry some of the produce home. He could feel his skin tugging on the stitches and hated it. Eventually he sat down in Grandpa George’s spot on the couch and turned on the television. It was only day two of this so-called rest period, and he was so fucking bored.

All night he kind of hoped Sebastian would come over, but he never did. Alex wanted to go to bed and sleep, but he needed to keep himself awake so he wouldn’t lose the sleep pattern he’d developed to handle the late-night deliveries.

Not for the first time, he wished Pelican Town had a pizza delivery service, and he wished he could justify spending the money on it.

*

The next evening, Alex woke after sunset and made himself coffee, taking his meds with jam on toast. He took Grandma Evelyn’s recipe book off the shelf and looked through it. The lined pages were warped and crumpled and splattered with food stains because of years and years of her having the notebook open while she cooked some of the harder recipes. Most of them she knew off by heart.

Alex’s mom had photocopied some of the pages, and he remembered those also used to bear the same stains.

He could cook okay, actually. Grandma Evelyn hated the smell of salmon, so Alex learned to cook it for himself pretty much as soon as he moved in. And he loved a full breakfast cook up, so he could do that too. While his grandma preferred to do most of the cooking, Alex learned more and more as they got sicker. When she asked him to stew the leeks for Grandpa George the first time, sitting on the chair and telling him to be careful with the nutmeg, he realised there was no coming back from this.

He washed the dishes and put everything away, then frowned at a knock on the door.

It should have been more surprising to see Sebastian there, but he felt like he’d been expecting it. He almost said, You’re late.

Sebastian wasn’t late at all. Alex had no idea what he was even getting out of this. He was still pretty sure Sebastian felt satisfied just seeing how far he’d come in proportion to Alex’s little life, and honestly, Alex didn’t begrudge him that.

‘I was thinking,’ Sebastian said. ‘You seem like someone who works too hard. You want to go for a walk?’

‘Now?’ Alex said.

‘Yeah. I’ve been nightwalking for as long as I can remember. You just need a comfortable jacket and you’ll be fine.’

Alex stared at him, bewildered. His first instinct was to scream yes, but his next was to say no, and he wavered between the two until the silence became awkward.

‘Um, sure,’ Alex said then.

‘I mean don’t do me any favours.’

‘No, it’s not that, just- Sorry.’

Sebastian smirked and shrugged, while Alex turned and looked at the jackets he had hanging on the hooks in the hall. He’d stopped wearing his letter jacket years ago. Around the time Sebastian got married, Alex had hung it up and never worn it again. Something about Sebastian moving miles ahead in his life while Alex still dreamed stupid nonsensical dreams had shattered that part of him outright.

He reached, instead, for the jacket Grandpa George used to wear decades ago. It was old, denim, and he’d worn it fifty years before he’d died and given it to Alex towards the end of his life. The material around the elbows had worn paler over the years, but it was still strong as anything.

Alex put it on carefully, then patted his pocket to make sure his phone was there. He didn’t bother locking the door. There wasn’t really much of a point.

He thought Sebastian would take him down to the beach, because he remembered seeing Sebastian walking down there in the rain when they’d been teenagers. But instead, Sebastian headed up past Pierre’s store, and Alex walked with him. It wasn’t dark enough yet that all the lights were off in the town, but there were stars overhead, and they left the lively music of the Stardew Saloon behind them.

‘How’s your arm?’ Sebastian said.

‘Um, okay. Sore. You keep asking me, man, but it’s the same. Stitches are a pain.’

‘Right?’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘They tug on everything.’

‘You use like…magic and stuff when you’re mining? To fix things?’

‘Sort of,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s the exhaustion that takes you out, because having to wield a pickaxe and then swing the sword and dodge and stuff gets on top of you quickly. So I make sure I’m stocked with food more than anything. You have to develop some good reflexes, but I’ve also got protective gear. I don’t get seriously injured or anything. Not anymore.’

‘Cool. Marlon always made it seem like you’re basically one step away from dying forever.’

‘I mean people do die,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘When you’re down there you see- There’s skeletons and… If you go deep enough, you see what’s left over from people who didn’t make it.’

‘Sick,’ Alex said, awed and disgusted at the same time.

‘Yes, it’s- Martingale’s kind of blithe about it all, but I’m relieved we have Marlon guarding the caves and keeping everyone away. I used to think it would be really cool to go in the caves, sort of like Abi, and then one day Martingale took me down there and I passed out super-fast and he had to carry me home.’

Alex didn’t want to know what Martingale and Sebastian had done together. He hated that even now, even after it was over, it hurt him like this. Alex never had a single right to Sebastian, never laid a single claim. He’d pushed Sebastian away, bullied him, hurt him, treated him like shit.  

It shouldn’t make something jerk in his chest when he heard about the times Martingale and Sebastian spent together, even when those times were bad.

‘Scary stuff,’ Alex said.

He realised they were heading towards the Community Centre, which was locked after the sun went down. He hardly ever spent time this way, he used to use the path to get to the gym and that was it.

‘Hey, what are we doing?’

‘Exploring,’ Sebastian said. He walked right up to the Community Centre door and to Alex’s amazement, inserted a bobby pin and another long piece of metal into the lock.

‘We’re breaking in?’ Alex hissed.

‘You don’t know how to have any fun,’ Sebastian said. ‘What, you’re going to go tell on me?’

‘No- Just… I mean, come on, man, it’s the Community Centre.’

‘Yeah, and it should cater for the night owls just as much as it caters to everyone else.’

Alex stared at him, and Sebastian grinned in a brief flash before the door clicked and he made a small sound of satisfaction. They went inside, and Alex looked around, then flinched as the lights came on.

He went to check out the Community Centre once, when it was completed, but it seemed different at night. His nostrils flared, he could smell that someone had been cooking a stew or something during the day, and some of the toys had been left out on the colourful rug. Other visitors from other towns came by sometimes. Jas and Vincent were too old to be playing with blocks these days. Jas now wanted to learn how to make her nails perfect and kept asking Haley to do them for her.

‘I never come here,’ Alex said.

‘Same,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s strange, isn’t it? These places… I feel better in them at night when no one else is here.’

‘So you take me here instead, so it’s not as good?’ Alex said, shaking his head, wanting to laugh and not quite able to make himself.

‘But they’re nicer, right? It’s quiet, it’s peaceful, it’s spacious. I always liked Pelican Town best when everyone else was sleeping.’

‘I can’t believe you just broke into the Community Centre.’

‘I can’t believe you’re so shocked by it,’ Sebastian said, laughing. It wasn’t the same laugh he’d had in high school. It was deeper, richer, and his black-green eyes gleamed. Alex wanted to hear it forever. Preferably not directed at him. But Sebastian didn’t seem to be making fun of him now.

‘Why? Did you like…regularly break into stuff when you were younger?’

‘I mean…I didn’t exactly not do that,’ Sebastian said, winking as he walked off towards the bulletin board. He stood looking over the corkboard, then pulled off a piece of paper. ‘See? Here, they want some more monsters cleared out of the mines, like they’ll ever be rid of them. If I get rid of them, I get paid. Look at the amount.’

Alex took the piece of paper and saw the amount the anonymous sponsor was willing to pay, and his mouth dropped open. 750 gold for killing six slimes? Really?

‘This is why you should be getting paid more, by the way,’ Sebastian said, jabbing the piece of paper a few times with a pointed finger.

‘Why?’

‘Because Lewis puts these up, and he’s the one who pays.’

‘Mayor Lewis?’

‘He’s paranoid the creatures in the mines will get out one day. They never will, with Marlon and the Wizard around, but…there’s benefits to it all the same.’

‘This is like…a week’s worth of delivery money.’

‘It’s more than a week,’ Sebastian said. ‘He pays you nothing. He’s taking advantage of you.’

‘You keep saying that, but it’s a job that anyone can do, he can find anyone to do it.’

‘I bet that’s not true. If you stopped and didn’t call someone else in to do it, who does it?’

‘Yeah, but…’

Alex got stuck on that and didn’t know what to say.

‘But people would be mad,’ Alex said finally.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, shrugging. ‘What, they can’t all deliver their own food? The shipping bin system is convenient, but it only happens in the Valley. It’s not like this system exists everywhere.’

‘You’re using the shipping bin system.’

‘True. But that was also like- I really… Ha. I kind of thought maybe magic handled it. Or Lewis did it, somehow. With magic, probably. You’d be surprised how much is just magic. Even if it was a delivery driver, I thought they’d be making like 100 gold a day. Easily. At least. It’s like you’re getting pocket money from the second richest person in the town.’

‘So you brought me here to lecture me.’

‘I mean…’ Sebastian tilted his head. ‘Maybe.’

‘Is Mayor Lewis really the richest person in the town after Martingale?’

Sebastian walked from the bulletin board over to the couches and sat down, looking completely at ease, while Alex kept looking towards all the windows worried about what might happen to them.

‘Pierre’s definitely up there,’ Sebastian said. ‘With his produce and stock mark-ups. But yeah, for all Lewis complains about how hard his job is, there’s a reason he’s never given it away. He manages the shipping bin system and takes a cut from all the produce that’s shipped, and you delivery drivers see like…nothing, apparently. Doesn’t that make you mad?’

‘No?’ Alex said. ‘It’s a lot to organise.’

Sebastian stared at him. ‘You’re infuriating.’

‘I used to be mad at you a lot, and you fucking hated it, so maybe it’s just better this way?’ Alex said, sitting down in one of the chairs opposite Sebastian, gingerly putting the piece of paper about killing slimes down on the coffee table. The armchair was comfortable, and Alex leaned his head back and thought, actually, it was nice being somewhere that wasn’t his grandparent’s place.

‘Harvey says you’re not the person you used to be,’ Sebastian said.

‘Is anyone? You’re not.’

‘Sam hasn’t changed that much,’ Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow.

‘Or Abigail.’

‘What about Haley?’

‘She grown some business sense,’ Alex said.

‘Leah’s still the same.’

‘Oh yeah she’s always the same.’

‘Elliott?’ Sebastian said.

‘I don’t know much about him. I think the only thing that’s changed about Elliott is that maybe he’s banging Leah, but who fucking knows?’

‘You didn’t know?’ Sebastian said, leaning forwards. ‘Elliott’s been fucking Leah for years.’

‘What?’

‘Sam told me,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘He was out one night getting some eggs direct from Marnie, because they’re cheaper from her or something. And he heard them.’

‘No.’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘But- Maybe they were doing something else?’

‘Oh no,’ Sebastian said, laughing.

Alex laughed too, in spite of himself. Because they were gossiping like…like friends. Like friends.

‘But you don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘People thought Haley and I were hooking up. I mean you thought that. So maybe Sam’s not a trustworthy source.’

‘Sam didn’t tell me that. That’s just what everyone thought. You always seemed like the most…Pelican Town person here, out of the teenagers.’

Alex frowned. That hit different, and it settled badly inside of him, as he considered all of the broken adults in Pelican Town. Was that really…what they thought of him?

Of course they did.

‘You mean like how… none of the adults ever seem that happy and no one ever changes?' Alex said slowly. ‘Like how Pierre’s unhappy with Caroline? And how Jodi does so much around the house and Kent does nothing? Or like Pam, maybe, cutting into Penny all the time? Or maybe like Clint, who just never changes, mooning after Emily, and it’s embarrassing for everyone? You mean like- like that, right? Like how people just live these miserable, empty lives that are like… I’m so Pelican Town because I’m just…’

It was something Alex was afraid of. Something he knew was inevitable. He’d age in his grandparents’ home. He’d be a delivery driver and then die. He had no major hopes or aspirations. He was so deeply closeted, he couldn’t bear the idea of Sebastian knowing he’d ever liked him.

Just a bitter gay guy who once thought he was going to be somebody.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. He stood, smoothing out the back of the armchair. ‘Yeah, well, you’re not wrong about that.’

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, as Alex headed towards the door. ‘Wait a minute.’

‘No, it’s cool,’ Alex said. ‘It’s true. You can tell Sam that, if you want.’

‘Hang on,’ Sebastian said, sounding angry.

‘Gonna go rest my arm,’ Alex said. ‘It’s really sore,’ he lied.

He closed the Community Centre door behind him and walked home in the dark. He heard the Community Centre door open and close a couple of minutes later, but Sebastian must have walked the other way back to his place, because Alex went into his grandparents’ home alone, and locked the door behind him.

He stood there and closed his eyes. God. He was so fucking sensitive to every fucking thing. He was angry at himself for walking out like that. Angry at himself for turning into the kind of person Sebastian already knew he was.

Fuck. His dad would be proud of the man he was turning into.

Notes:

In our next chapter:

"'I went off at him,' Alex said. 'I mean... I thought we were becoming friends.'

'You and Sebastian, huh? He's changed a lot, don't you think? I saw him at Pierre's a few days ago, and he actually started a conversation with me. Asked me how I was doing. I couldn't believe it. Like, he's still Sebastian, but he...talks to me now. It was nice. He's changed a lot, don't you think?'

'Unlike me. So fucking Pelican Town.'

Haley squinted her eyes, put her hand on her forehead like she was looking at something past Alex. And Alex looked over his shoulder, thinking maybe she saw a mouse or something in the lounge, and then turned back and she was still doing it.

'Sorry!' she said, lowering her hand. 'Just trying to see past the chip on your shoulder, but couldn't manage!'

'Dude,' he said, staring at her. 'Seriously?'"

*

I post excerpts and stuff over at Tumblr, where I also talk about how Sebastian's gonna become Alex's sugar daddy at some point dsalkfjs well, not exactly, more like... well, you'll see!

Chapter 8: Way Back

Notes:

I'm tentatively hoping I can post updates more often (like once every 2 weeks instead of once every 3) so please wish me all the words because I'm like... eating this story right now, lmao.

Alex's breath plumed in the cold as he walked up the steps that once took him to the gym, past Robin's house, and now took him east, towards Sebastian's house. His face felt newly naked because he’d shaved. Alex's arm was itching like crazy, and he'd tried everything he could think of to deal with it, including itching his hand and his shoulder in the hopes it would stop the itching in his goddamn forearm.

He skirted the mountain lake, walking past pine trees, looking out across the cold water. When he was little, he used to daydream about swimming in there, but he wasn't a massive swimmer. Besides, there were big fucking fish in there. The first time he'd seen a sturgeon, he about died thinking it was some kind of sea monster. Those things weren't small. 

Apparently Martingale caught them a fair bit. He'd put one in the Luau soup, which made Alex realise that sea monsters were tasty. 

Now the packed earth crunched underfoot. In the dying light of the sunset, he saw the dug-in places in the earth where Martingale had been galloping with his horse. No one else bothered with horses in the town, because everything was walking distance, and cars and buses were useful for everything else. 

Alex walked across the bridge, which was sturdy enough, though one of the planks always creaked threateningly. He looked into the dark and forbidding cave that the water flowed out of, and thought of Sebastian in places like that, fighting monsters. He'd thought it was super cool at first, but looking into the opaque darkness of the cave, now it seemed ridiculous that people spent their time doing that. Especially when Sebastian was making decent money doing all his computer code stuff. 

'Stop. Fucking. Itching!' he hissed to his arm.

His arm didn't listen.

A few days had passed since he'd last seen Sebastian. His arm didn't hurt half as bad as it did, and now everything he was doing to protect it - changing the dressing, keeping the stitches in, not working - just seemed annoying. 

It took him only 24 hours to admit that he missed Sebastian already. He kept wondering if he'd ruined it, then became sure he'd ruined it, then felt super down about that for another two days. And now here he was, like an idiot, walking to Sebastian's house and he didn't know if the guy would be home, and he was pretty sure he'd be busy even if he was. 

Alex felt a bit like a teenager again. Life was more unsure lately. Since his grandparents had died, he was unmoored. Life had been difficult towards the end with them, but it had a kind of pattern. He knew that he had people to care for, and he knew he had to work in order to care for them. Now he worked to feed himself, but he didn't give a shit about himself the way he did other people. 

A couple of days before, Haley had come over to visit. Alex stayed up 'late' for her, which meant the sun had already risen. Haley came to the door with a couple of sunflowers, and Alex smiled to see them. 

'Damn,' he said. 'These are always gonna remind me of her, I think.'

'I know,' Haley said. 'That's why I brought them. Unless it's too painful? But then I thought you've never been one to shy away from that either.'

'Ha. True,' Alex said, as he moved to the sink and cut down the sunflowers. He placed them in one of Grandma Evelyn's larger vases, setting them by the window sill, making sure to open the curtains so they'd get some light. He almost never saw this side of the day anymore, and it felt weird. His schedule really had completely flipped. He used to be such a morning person. He sort of missed it, but he couldn't deny he'd come to appreciate the stars, the cool air of the Valley at night, the sound of the ocean across a quiet town. 

'I heard you got attacked by a monster?' 

'I mean, I told you that.'

'The town told me before you did. Harvey told a bunch of people. Or Sebastian did. Anyway, the town seems split between being angry at you for not knowing better, and sort of fondly angry at Martingale because you know how the town is.'

'They think he shits gold.'

'God yes,' Haley said, laughing. She walked over to the kettle and turned it on, and was so familiar in his grandparent's house, he could almost imagine they were still out in the lounge, side-by-side watching television, while he and Haley laughed over homework at the kitchen table and made tea for all of them. Once, Grandma Evelyn would've done all of it, but in the last two or three years, Alex took care of everything except for when Haley was there too, because she always helped out when she was.

'Hey,' Alex said, 'do you think I'm like...super 'Pelican Town?''

'What do you mean? What does that even mean? Oh look at my nails, I'm trying a new technique. What do you think? It's like ombre but with multiple colours.'

Alex dutifully looked at her nails. They always looked pretty. So he said they were. 

'It's selling pretty well,' Haley said. 'I'm going to try lots of new things. Maybe I'll get good enough for Zuzu one day.'

'You'll move?'

'Probably not,' Haley said, face creasing. 'But it's nice to think about! Anyway, what does it mean to be super Pelican Town?' 

'Just something Sebastian said. He kind of implied I was going to turn out like all the adults here. You know. Like how we've talked about in the past, no one's ever really that happy. Tourists love it here, but a lot of the locals don't. Unless Martingale happened to personally piss gold into their back garden. Like Pam and that goddamn house.'

‘Martingale’s so annoying, but whatever, it's not like I'm getting up every morning to run a farm that size with no staff. Like, who does that?'

'People who have access to magic.'

Haley rolled her eyes, nodded, then made Alex a hot chocolate instead of a coffee, because she must have realised what time it was by Alex’s standards. Alex was sleepy, no way was he staying up after Haley left. He couldn't wait to lie down. 

'Why would Sebastian think anything different though?’ Haley said. ‘That's what you've wanted everyone to think.'

'What?' Alex said, staring at her. 

'I mean, haven't you? Alex, you don't talk to anyone, babe, and you don't tell anyone what you're doing or what you've done. So you're kind of...I don't know, folded into the legacy of... I mean I can see where Sebastian's coming from! Don't shoot the messenger or anything.'

'You think I'm like the other adults here?'

'You don't?' Haley said.

'Yeah, but...it's different! I'm not... My life isn't over.' 

'I know that. But that's because you let me into your life. I mean, I know you're depressed, and I don't think you're doing that much to kind of... Fuck, Alex, don't look at me like that. You know you're depressed. Come on.'

Alex stared at her, unsure of what to say. He did kind of know that. Harvey knew that. Apparently Haley had known for ages. 

'But Sebastian- I mean he never thought I'd amount to anything, and now I fucking haven't.'

'So what are you angry at? Are you mad that he said it? Or mad that he's right?'

'I can't be mad at both?' Alex said. 

Haley giggled, and Alex felt a little mollified. He sipped at the hot chocolate and damn it was good, she was never stingy with the stuff, even though it meant Alex would need to have less in the future because it was fucking expensive. But he held his hands around the mug and decided it was good to have treats like this sometimes. 

'I went off at him,' Alex said. 'I mean... I thought we were becoming friends.'

'You and Sebastian, huh? He's changed a lot, don't you think? I saw him at Pierre's a few days ago, and he actually started a conversation with me. Asked me how I was doing. I couldn't believe it. Like, he's still Sebastian, but he...talks to me now. It was nice. He's changed a lot, don't you think?' 

'Unlike me. So fucking Pelican Town.'

Haley squinted her eyes, put her hand on her forehead like she was looking at something past Alex. And Alex looked over his shoulder, thinking maybe she saw a mouse or something in the lounge, then turned back and she was still doing it.

'Sorry!' she said, lowering her hand. 'Just trying to see past the chip on your shoulder but couldn't manage!'

'Dude,' he said, staring at her. 'Seriously?'

'Look, I know Sebastian was awful during high school, but you weren't great either. Maybe just- Maybe you could tell him you're not the kind of person he thinks you are.'

'But I am! What leg do I have to stand on when I am! Ugh. I'm sure you didn't come here for this.'

'I came over expecting you to be a mess, and you are. That's pretty much exactly on point, I'm not surprised,' Haley said. 'Though I thought you'd be bitching about your arm a bit more. But nothing's wrong in the world if you're bitching about something.'

'You're mean,' Alex grumped. 

'I get to be honest with you, it's fun.'

'You really think Sebastian's changed?' 

'He walked up to me at Pierre's, smiled, and said, 'Hi, Haley, how are you? It's been a while.' And honestly between his broad shoulders and that smile of his, I had a moment where I was like, actually, maybe you are kind of hot. He's still a goth, but he's like...a hot goth.'

'Yeah,' Alex agreed, sighing. He stared at his hot chocolate, then looked up and stared at Haley, who was doing the worst job of pretending to look innocent. Alex didn't know what he felt in that moment. Despair and confusion and relief. Something crunchy, something brittle, something that sighed inside of him and relaxed. 'How long have you fucking known?'

'Known what?' Haley said lightly.

'Haley.' 

'I don't know what you're talking about. If there's something you want to tell me that you've been holding off on telling me because you think I'll have a problem with it, you should probably just tell me, and stop assuming I'm like everyone else in this town.' 

Alex swallowed weakly. He imagined telling her. He imagined shaping his mouth around the words: I'm gay, and he couldn't do it. He wanted to be her best friend, not her gay best friend. He'd seen how those things worked in movies once or twice and he didn't like it. He didn't want the sour taste it left in his mouth. 

'And if you can't tell me,' Haley said, sipping at her coffee, 'that's fine too. But I'm not going to be the one to tell you. I'm a big believer in... not telling you who you are. You can tell me who you are.'

'You're a good egg, Hales.'

'Can you tell my sister that, please? I mean she's not the worst ever, anymore, but she still doesn't get why I care about hair and makeup and nails so much.' 

'It's your art,' Alex said.

'Right! Like her sewing is her art!'

Alex felt so stupidly grateful for Haley. It was a wave that slammed into him. He had to drink his hot chocolate even as his cheeks warmed. I'm a big believer in not telling you who you are. He was so glad she wasn't forcing him to say he was gay when he wasn't ready. And maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't pretend that she'd known for a while the day he actually told her. But for now, they were just best friends, and maybe that was immature and dumb, but Alex was both of those things.

'Maybe Sebastian still thinks of you like the person you were in high school,' Haley said. 

'Maybe I still think of him as who he was in high school, too.'

'So... I mean are the rumours true? He was the one who stitched your arm up? What's his house like?'

'Really fucking nice. It's nice. Just...god, he's got money. He's got a sword. He's got this big fuck-off sword! It's amazing! His computer has two monitors! And I'm pretty sure he has like, chrome fixtures and it's like- Fuck, it's a nice fucking house.'

Haley laughed softly. 'It does sound nice. You noticed all that even while he was stitching you?'

'Had to look at something, wasn't going to look at the huge gash on my arm.'

'And you're...okay? Your hand? Your arm?'

'I can still move my hand,' Alex said, lifting the bandaged arm and wiggling his fingers for her. 'See? I'm fine. Just bled a lot. Fuck... When I think about what could've happened. I didn't realise at the time, and didn't realise for a while after, but that's almost the closest I've come to dying.'

He had to say almost, because his dad was the closest he'd ever come to dying. His dad's hand around his throat, or his dad absolutely losing it on the worst nights. He wondered if it was like that for his mom, before the cancer took her. He wondered at what point metastatic cancer felt like more of a threat than her ex-husband did. 

'What are you thinking about?' Haley said. 

'Stupid shit.'

'I bet it's not,' Haley said quietly. 'You know, you're really secretive? Even with me. But that's okay, gives me more of a chance to talk about how annoying some of my clients are. Up for it?'

'Please tell me how annoying your clients are.'

'I mean none of them are as annoying as Martingale having monsters on his farm.'

'I mean...what the fuck,' Alex said, laughing. Haley joined him a moment later, and they both spent the next twenty minutes bitching about Martingale Wentworth instead, which actually felt pretty damned good. 

But now he was walking to Sebastian's house because a couple more days passed and he realised he probably owed Sebastian an apology. An apology for being right. An apology for acting like a complete bitch about the fact that Sebastian was right in the first place. Haley's words about how Sebastian had changed, imagining him going up and starting a conversation with her, shifted something in his mind. But now he felt like an idiot. An idiot visiting the house of someone who he’d bullied, who used to bully him. He knew he'd done stupider things in his life, but this...was up there. Maybe. 

Alex used to love the crisp early mornings when he walked to the gym because he was often alone. Sometimes he'd see Linus, but most of the time, he had the town and the rest of the Valley to himself. It turned out that nights were the same. He stood there by the vast lake where the sturgeon swam, and looked out over the world around him, and realised the reason it was so easy to become a night owl was that he got the same feelings now that he used to get in the early morning. He did miss the mornings, he wouldn't mind going to bed a bit later, waking a bit later, but he needed to keep on his delivery schedule because he knew how quickly his body would fight to return to its old sleep rhythm. 

He took a breath and kept walking, then looked up at Sebastian's house, before taking the stairs up and knocking on the door.

Sebastian might not even be home...

But no, thirty seconds later the door opened, and Sebastian seemed surprised only briefly, then he smiled.

Alex knew he was meant to say hi, like a normal person, but instead: 'I'm sorry I was a dickhead about you being right about me.'

Sebastian rolled his eyes and looked down. 

'Yeah,' Alex said, holding up the wicker basket. 'I brought cookies. If you want them. I used... I...' For some reason, it was hard to say he'd used his grandma's recipe. He looked down at the cookies. He felt like a fool. He'd had to do it all mostly one-handed too. Not completely, but enough that it was awkward. 'I used her recipe.' 

'I remember those,' Sebastian said warmly. 'I haven't had them in years. Do you want to come in?' 

'Um...yeah,' Alex said, as Sebastian moved aside and let Alex walk past him. 'Thanks.'

He always smells so good. Alex tried to squash the voice down inside of him, but it never worked. And here he was, making his grandma's cookies for Sebastian, and that was normal, right? That was normal. That's what friends did. Friends. They could at least be friends, right?

Alex wasn't even sure they could manage that much. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter - Friendly Advice:

"'Market rates for cleaners are really like that, huh?' Alex said, changing the subject back to where his mind had gone before, because he didn't want to fight. 'And what are you offering?'

'100 gold an hour,' Sebastian said.

God, it was so much money.

'How many hours? Is it every day?'

'I... You...' Sebastian's eyes narrowed, then he picked up his coffee and drank a bunch, and then picked up a chocolate chip cookie and had a bite of that too. He seemed baffled, then seemed to be thinking something over.

'I'm good at cleaning,' Alex said. 'When my arm's better, I mean. I had to sanitise the house and stuff when things were bad, and I know how to like...do a lot of things. And if you don't like what I do, well I'm just gonna look for a cleaning job somewhere else because I didn't realise it paid so much. I thought cleaning was like trash collection, just undervalued.'

'Trash collectors get paid more than you,' Sebastian sighed. 'You can't work for me. You can't be my cleaner.'"

*

Put your money where your mouth is Sebastian and PAY HIM fdsalkjfsda

On Tumblr, posting excerpts (and when I forget, I post them when someone pokes me)

Chapter 9: Friendly Advice

Notes:

I've been playing Stardew Valley again (I'm actually playing Stardew Valley Extended for the first time and really enjoying it) and I just keep thinking about this story as a result, and you know what, that's been really motivational :D :D

(Also omg thank y'all for the response on the last chapter, it was so incredible)

Sebastian's house wasn't as clean as last time. It wasn't a dump or anything, but there were dishes in the sink, and Alex saw a bit of dirt around the entry mat where people wiped off their shoes. He looked around and it wasn't as sparkling as before? But maybe Alex had visited on a cleaning day last time. 

'Um...here,' Alex said, putting the cookies on the counter. He didn't know if that's where they went. He didn't know anything about this place. It seemed like the home of a much older guy in some ways, maybe because Alex always assumed people had to work their way up to this kind of wealth and taste. Martingale Wentworth definitely didn't have this much taste and he was older. So Alex didn't fucking know how it worked. 

'I don't have to stay,' Alex added. 

'I mean, you can though,' Sebastian said. 

'You're probably working.' Alex pointed to the cup of coffee by the computer with its two monitors. One of the screens was filled with a whole bunch of colour coordinated code, the other screen had some kind of playlist. The volume was down, but the music wasn't like...death metal or anything. Alex didn't know why he expected Sebastian to listen to that. 

'I've been working for a while, I can take a break. Besides, the code's being janky, and I can't figure out why. Sometimes staring at it isn't the answer.' 

There was a yellow rubber duck on the table by the cup of coffee, the kind that kids might have in a bath. Alex stared at it. 

'Anyway,' Sebastian said, sighing. 'Sorry about the mess, my cleaner's quit.'

'You have a cleaner?' 

Sebastian looked at Alex like he was figuring out whether he was being judged or not, then he nodded. 'Yeah. But it's fucking hard to get someone to work my hours, and no way am I going to have someone going through my house while I'm trying to sleep. It's hard enough as it is to sleep during the day.'

'God, tell me about it. I want to get blackout curtains, but they're expensive, so I just taped them down to the windowsill which...sort of works.'

'Right,' Sebastian said. 'Do you want some coffee?' 

'Um, yeah. Sure.' 

'Were you always this awkward?' Sebastian said, as he moved to the fancy coffeemaker. 'Or is it something you save up for me?'

'Hilarious. I was always... I dunno. Awkward-ish.'

'I don't remember that about you in high school.'

'I peaked early,' Alex said. He was plenty awkward in high school too, but he didn’t like people to know that about him.

'I didn't realise until recently, but you have a really dry sense of humour,' Sebastian said, getting out a plate and putting some cookies on them. Even his plates were nice. They were some kind of dark blue ceramic, but the glaze had a multi-coloured effect going on, from light to dark blue, and an uneven black at the rim. It suited him. He had really good taste. His clothing wasn't completely black today, because his jeans were dark grey, but...he had a style.

'Hey, are you a goth?' Alex said. 'That's...what it is, right?'

'I just like wearing dark colours,' Sebastian said, eyes sliding to Alex's, smiling somehow. Like he wasn't upset Alex had stormed out on him the other day. 'I guess I was more of a goth when I was younger. You can go really deep into it, if you want, there's music, philosophies, forums, but I'm pretty lazy.'

'Haley thought you were a goth.'

'So you've been talking about me?' Sebastian said.

Alex's throat tightened and he felt his cheeks flush. God, this was embarrassing. No, that definitely wasn’t- Crap. 

'You don't need to look so freaked out. Everyone talks about everyone in the Valley,' Sebastian said, coming over and bringing the cookies. He gestured for Alex to sit at the kitchen table with him, and Alex joined him, looking over to the computer again. He looked up at the sword which Sebastian actually used to kill monsters and man, Sebastian lived a crazy life. 

'I don't need to know what you say about me,' Alex said, taking a cookie only when Sebastian indicated he should. Alex thought the cookies were okay, but he didn't think they were as good as his grandma's, but he couldn't tell what was missing from them. Maybe he just didn't have all the love she had. Cookies needed to be made with love or something, didn't they?

You made them with love, you fucking idiot. 

'These are amazing,' Sebastian said, after biting into his. 'They're still warm, holy shit. Damn, it really has been forever since I've had these. And there's nothing like them here either, how - after all this time - we don't have a bakery, I don’t know. When I was in Zuzu, there used to be this little corner bakery that made these chicken and salad rolls, on these like baguettes cut in half. They made all this other stuff too, and really good coffee. I never used to have that much of a sweet tooth, and was kind of fussy, but I got to eat a lot of new things there and it was great. Come back and it's back to bar food and Pierre's and nothing else.'

'I would've given my left ball for a pizza delivery place the other night.'

Sebastian laughed, shook his head. 'That would be awesome.'

Alex didn't know it would be like this. Not after the way he'd left last time. He assumed Sebastian would be fucking mad at him. Like sure, Alex was upset, but Alex had been upset every single day in high school and it didn't stop Sebastian from going at him whenever they encountered each other. Sebastian would look at him like he was slime for existing and daring to be good at sports, and Alex wanted to yell at him that he literally didn't have anything else, he could barely read – sometimes he couldn't read at all – he wasn't some maths whiz, he wasn't going to win any awards in anything ever except sports. It was literally all he had. 

And now, he didn't even have that. 

'Look,' Sebastian said, 'I’m sorry about the other day. I didn't...think about what I was saying. I didn't think it through.' 

'Why apologise for something that's true?' 

'I- No, that's not it. I mean, it's not like you haven't been busy, Alex, with a lot of stuff over the last few years. A lot of... And I said some pretty horrible things to you before I moved to Zuzu as well, about how you were taking your grandparents for granted. I didn't know that you weren't.'

'I did take them for granted,' Alex said, shrugging. 'And I said mean shit before you left for Zuzu too. So you don't need to apologise for anything.'

'You could apologise too, you know.'

Alex swallowed awkwardly, coughed, and covered his mouth as Sebastian went up to make the coffee. Alex wiped at his mouth and felt like a chastened child. You could apologise too, you know. 

It felt like he wouldn't just be apologising for years of bad behaviour, but his whole damned self. He couldn't promise he wouldn't be a dickhead again. He didn't want to be, but he didn't know how to talk sometimes, and he felt on edge with Sebastian, waiting for a knife to sink into his back. He just wanted the friendship too badly.

So, shouldn't he at least try to apologise?

'I am sorry,' Alex said, though he couldn't tell if he meant it. He'd felt sorry in the past, but in that moment, he just felt put on the spot. 'I made your life hell.' 

'Yeah, well,' Sebastian said, and Alex rubbed at the back of his neck, because this was fucking weird. 'I don't know if I could do it, you know. If Mom got sick. I'd probably pay for a carer.'

'Money is nice, huh?' Alex said, then froze when Sebastian turned and looked at him. 'Shit. Sorry.'

'No, it's...fine. I'd never really thought about having any sort of...financial privilege until lately. But it's occurred to me that thanks to Mom's job we were actually a bit more affluent than I knew as a kid. I mean as a kid, I just thought having certain things in the house was normal.'

'And then you married Martingale.'

'Yeah, he certainly did have money,' Sebastian said, grimacing. 'I still can't believe how little Mayor Lewis has been paying you. That absolute fucking rat. Going around talking about how being the Mayor is such hard work, when he's got Wentworth's money at his back and the whole town is wrapped around his little finger. The fact that he won't make his thing with Marnie official because of public image, even though she's one of the nicest and most generous people in the Valley. Okay, don't get me started, I can’t stand him. Here. This coffee's amazing. It's from Ballato Island.'

Alex had no idea where Ballato Island was, or why it was a big deal, but the coffee smelled nice.

'Wait, Marnie's still with him, right?' Sebastian said. 'Or did she like...move on?'

'No, she's still with him,' Alex said. 'Haley tells me. I wouldn't know anything about this town if it wasn't for her. She has her finger on the pulse of what's happening, especially with her job now, she gets told everything.'

'What does Marnie even see in him?' Sebastian said, sighing. 'No one here realises they can do better.'

'You really still kind of hate it here, don't you?'

'I like parts of it,' Sebastian said. 'But I don't like the small-town mentality. I remember being on like forums and in chatrooms when I was younger, there was this whole huge world happening out there, beyond Pelican Town and the Valley, and then I'd log off or whatever, and it was like stepping through some kind of time machine to these people who are loyal to one biased news channel, who read one biased newspaper, who know everything about each other, but seem to know nothing at all about themselves. But...there's downsides to a city. And the roads aren't as nice to bike on.'

'You still do that?'

'Sure,' Sebastian said with a smile. 'Do you still dream of like...being a sports player or whatever?'

'Nah. Not for ages. Everyone's gotta grow up some time, right? I don't know how I hung onto it for so long. Recruiters weren't coming here, and my grades were never good enough to go to one of those colleges that specialises in sports anyway. So that was it. Then everything happened with my grandparents and just... Yeah.' 

'I just realised it would be hard to find a carer even if you had the money,' Sebastian said. 'I mean, I can't find a cleaner and I'm willing to offer way more than market rates because I know my hours are weird.' 

Alex looked around the kitchen again and thought about how fucking desperate he was to be around Sebastian and sat there stunned by his own goddamn brain, because he wasn't that desperate, was he? 

But he kind of was. His current job paid a fucking pittance – apparently – and it's not like he could constantly expect other people to get Mayor Lewis to treat him right. 

'What's...market rates?' Alex said slowly. 

'Why?' Sebastian said, staring at him. 

'I dunno, just... What are the market rates for cleaning?' 

'About 70 to 80 gold an hour.' 

'Fuck me,' Alex said. 'Is it really? I never looked into it because... Shit, I don't know.'

'It’s still not that much,' Sebastian said, staring at him. 

'Fuck you, man, we can't all be entrepreneurs and business people. Some of us just don't do that.' 

'Dude, you can't afford the fucking doctor.' 

'Harvey said he'd see me for free,' Alex said stubbornly, not wanting to lose a conversation he'd already lost. 

'You refused to see him because of the cost!' Sebastian said, his voice rising in volume. 'And you know, you really could have died that night? Those monsters were all fighting at a level of strength no one else in the Valley could've handled except maybe Marlon, me and Gil. That's it. And it could've been anyone. What if someone else had gone to visit him at night? Fuck that. But we're getting off topic.'

'Are we?' 

'What Mayor Lewis pays you-'

'Don't even,' Alex said, holding up a hand. 'Come on, just...leave it. You don't need to remind me how stupid I am, taking a job like that, okay? But that's the job I chose. Just leave it.'

'It's not about you being stupid, it's about Mayor Lewis taking advantage of you.'

'Because I'm dumb.'

'What?' Sebastian said, frowning at him. 'Is that what you think?'

'I'm gonna say it again, but don't even. You fucking know it better than anyone else, how fucking stupid I am. The whole town knows. You can be nice to me about a lot of things, and you can even pretend that some of the shit you said back in the day you didn't mean, but don't do it about shit that's true.'

Sebastian stared at him, like he was shocked he'd been called out like that. But Alex couldn't stand it, people pretending he wasn't fucking dumb. Even the teachers said it. Maybe not all of them, but some of them. And they gave him looks sometimes when he couldn't read something. They had meetings with his parents. And once, towards the end, a teacher tried to get his mom to support him more, and Alex had been so furious when he'd found out, because his mom was going through chemo and she had bigger things to worry about and he hated thinking that she was stressing about his education when she needed all of her energy to fight. 

'Market rates for cleaners are really like that, huh?' Alex said, changing the subject back to where his mind had gone before, because he didn't want to argue. 'And what are you offering?' 

'100 gold an hour,' Sebastian said. 

God, it was so much money. 

'How many hours? Is it every day?' 

'I... You...' Sebastian's eyes narrowed, then he picked up his coffee and drank a bunch, and then picked up a chocolate chip cookie and had a bite of that too. He seemed baffled, then seemed to be thinking something over. 

'I'm good at cleaning,' Alex said. 'When my arm's better, I mean. I had to sanitise the house and stuff when things were bad, and I know how to like...do a lot of things. And if you don't like what I do, well I'm just gonna look for a cleaning job somewhere else because I didn't realise it paid so much. I thought cleaning was like trash collection, just undervalued.'

'Trash collectors get paid more than you,' Sebastian sighed. 'You can't work for me. You can't be my cleaner.' 

'I'm already on a night schedule,' Alex said. ‘I'm good at keeping out of the way.' 

Sebastian really looked like he was thinking about it, and no way was Alex practically vibrating out of his skin at the idea of being able to clean Sebastian's room, see more of his life, get to know him better this way, spend more time around him. And fuck. Fuck. This was the level he'd sunk to. Please pay me to clean your house. Alex would do it for free. 

But also, he could really use the fucking money. There were repairs he wanted to do to the house, and he could only go so far on Willy's advice and his own willingness to climb a ladder and put himself in precarious positions. And it would be so nice to just have fruit and even vegetables in the house more. He used to make himself eat that stuff because it was good for him, good for his muscles, but these days he missed it so badly. He wanted fresh apricots in spring. He wanted apples in autumn. 

'I like to keep a clean house,' Sebastian said finally. 'I'm fussy and I have high standards. Look. I'll- I'll give you a quick tour, and then you can tell me if it's too much, okay? Because this- I do actually really need a cleaner. I could do it myself, but I fucking hate doing it, even as someone who has such high standards about it. I realised in Zuzu a cleaner was the way to go.' 

Sebastian stood, and Alex stood with him, trying not to look excited that he was going to get to see Sebastian's house. 

And god, the house was big, and fucking nice. There was a sunken lounge with a TV so big Alex wasn't going to ask how much it cost because he knew he'd choke at the amount. It had big comfy couches, enough for a bunch of people - all of Sebastian's friends - to watch with him. There was another really big table set up for the table-top gaming that Sebastian must still be doing. There was a hand-drawn map, and little painted figurines, and pretty dice, and bookshelves behind it with so many books that Alex felt overwhelmed to think of anyone ever reading so many. 

A long corridor, and two guestrooms, a big laundry, a guest bathroom, a gym, another study that had another computer, and then Sebastian's bedroom which was huge, with a fucking bay window over to a small pond at the back of his house that Alex didn't even know was there. All the decor was nice. Really nice. The en suite bathroom had a big clawfoot tub, and one of those rain showers Alex had seen in one of Haley's magazines, when she was pointing out tiles that she wanted in her 'future bathroom' that she daydreamed of having. 

All the decor was classy. Chrome fixtures, dark tiles, dark marbled counters, wooden floorboards, rugs that felt really plush to walk on. 

Around the time that Sebastian was still showing Alex more rooms - more rooms! - Alex realised he wanted to clean this house. It would be nice to work here. Probably Sebastian would spend all his time at his computer in the main living area, and Alex could clean Sebastian's room, and make his bed and change his sheets or whatever, and look out at the pond with the lily pads and the rushes, and the sound of frogs chirping and croaking at night, and it would be good, right? 

It was going to hurt, probably, to work with someone he thought about so much. But they were never going to be close friends, and like this...god. Alex didn't even know what he wanted. 

'When my arm is better, you can trial me for like a shift or something,' Alex said. 'You won't even have to pay me.'

'Will you stop doing that?' Sebastian said sharply. They were standing on a verandah out the back, and Sebastian was explaining he liked it to be swept, because sand blew in from the quarry. 

'Doing what? You might not like my work, so-'

'It's labour. You do labour, you get paid.' 

'God, why are you so weird about this?'

Sebastian dragged a hand through his hair, and Alex wondered what it felt like, wanted to run his hand through Sebastian's hair too. It had to have some product in it. It was shiny, it looked soft. It looked like it'd be softer than Alex's hair probably. Alex used to wonder what Sebastian's hair felt like even back then, in high school, when he'd started fantasising way too often about Sebastian giving him head. The nature of his fantasies had shifted since then, but he still wanted to know. 

He knew Haley was going to stare at him when she found out that Alex wanted to clean Sebastian’s house, but Alex didn't care. There'd be way less heavy lifting in this job, and he could probably even do both, depending on how many hours Sebastian needed. He knew the town was going to be weird about it – because of course they were – but Alex didn't care anymore, he hardly saw them anyway. 

'Fine,' Sebastian said. 'You can do a shift. When the stitches are out. But like- You don't think it’ll be weird?'

'Why would it be weird?' Alex said, like he had no idea what Sebastian meant, which was maybe the best performance of his entire life. But he needed Sebastian to never ever know how Alex felt about him, how desperate he was to get this job. 

'Well, the...school bully working for the person he used to bully?'

Just like that, Alex felt something deflate inside of him. Right. That's why it would be weird. Because the asshole was going to clean the house of the person he was an ass to. Yeah. God, the town was going to have a fucking field day when they found out. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'You're Not Who You Were':

"'Drinking at lunch?' Alex said, unable to keep the sharpness out of his voice. 'It might not be morning for the others, but it basically still is for you, right?'

Sebastian's eyes narrowed, and Alex locked down inside himself, telling himself he wasn't going to step back, and he wasn't scared. He wasn't scared. Sebastian wasn't like his dad, and...

And what?

'It's not really any of your business,' Sebastian said, bringing his phone out and stepping past Alex, even though Alex had barely moved aside for him. Sebastian's arm brushed against Alex’s.

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'It's not like you're my boss or anything.'

Sebastian paused in the hall, then turned back and looked at him. Alex didn't know how to read him at all, and he was good at reading people, damn it. He'd spent most of his life being pretty fucking good at it, even though what he mostly read was the disinterest or disdain in the eyes of others. He knew they didn't care about his sports ambitions, he knew they didn't rate him, and he leaned hard into it anyway because it meant he got left alone.

'Sorry,' Alex said.

'I had a beer,' Sebastian said. 'One. With some pizza. That a problem?'"

*

I've already posted an excerpt for chapter 11 over at my Tumblr, and I post other excerpts there too, so you can go check those out if you want sdalkfjjdsa

Also behold, a playlist for the story!

Chapter 10: You're Not Who You Were

Notes:

Listening to the Alex/Sebastian playlist and now I just want to write 15 more chapters about these two.

Alex held back on telling Mayor Lewis about the new job, because he didn't know if cleaning Sebastian's house would work out. His trial shift was set on a Saturday, two days after the stitches were coming out. In the days leading up to the job, Sebastian didn't come over, and Alex didn't visit him. Alex wondered if it was like they'd become boss and employee already, if any friendship they were developing was already gone. He didn't feel as upset about it as he normally would, because he was going to be in Sebastian's house, he was going to be around him more, and wanting that so badly made him pretty fucking nuts, but he didn't care.

The day he went to the clinic to get the stitches taken out, Alex smelled snow in the air. He knew it wasn't due for another week or so, but fall was definitely coming to an end. He'd miss it. Winter was his least favourite season, though he liked it a little more now since picking up the delivery work. Seeing the fresh piles of snow at night, undisturbed by footsteps, under the light of the moon and the stars, well...it was fucking freezing, but it also made him feel like he was on some alien world, seeing things no one else got to see except for the owls and the other animals. 

And Sebastian, apparently. 

'It's healed well,' Harvey said, sounding surprised. 

'So I'm good to work and stuff?'

'Provided you're not in significant pain,' Harvey said, positioning Alex's arm on the desk and snipping the stitches, one by one. Each one pulling through his skin - tugging and snagging - felt nauseating. But Harvey worked quickly, and Alex could tell he was wicked good at his job. 'You might want to talk to Mayor Lewis about what he pays you.'

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'I'm, um...thinking of like...working for Sebastian instead.'

Harvey paused, he'd just put down a stitch on a piece of paper towel. He turned back with narrowed eyes. Alex thought: Here we fucking go. He hadn't even told Haley yet, he didn't know how she'd react, but he was a little scared to find out. 

'It's way more pay,' Alex said quickly. 'And he needs someone to do nights, you know? I can do nights. I'm already on a night schedule.'

'Hm.' 

'It's cleaning. I'm good at cleaning, right? I mean you saw the house when... Well, you know. I kept it clean, right?'

'Yes,' Harvey said softly. 'Evelyn was proud.'

Alex was surprised at how quickly a lump could form in his throat. His grief when it came was either slow and building, or it was like this, sudden and forceful. He swallowed a couple of times and Harvey kept pulling out stitches. A pink-red line was being revealed, and Alex realised he was going to have a massive scar out of this. He couldn't wait to itch the fuck out of it.

'It's 100 gold an hour,' Alex said, unable to help himself, he was excited about that almost as much as working in Sebastian's home. 'That's like...so much money.'

Harvey nodded but didn't say anything, and Alex wondered if it wasn't that much money to someone educated like him. But Alex could only hope for so much, and this would be great. 

'Are you sure you want to work for Sebastian?' 

'What? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I? I mean- I know there was...high school. But... I mean he seems to trust me? I don't know.'

Harvey looked up at Alex again, considering, and Alex had no idea what he was thinking. 

'Well, all right,' Harvey said finally, and Alex knew that didn't express half the things he'd wanted to say. 'Have you given any more thought to your mental health?'

Damn, Harvey was really obsessed, and Alex didn't want to deal with it. He had to look away for a second, and when the last stitch came out, he went to draw his arm away, only for Harvey to gently but firmly place his fingers around his forearm and keep it in place. 

'I'm going to clean it again,' Harvey said. 'Stitches may be small, but they're wounds of their own, Alex.'

'Whatever,' Alex said, looking at the row of parallel red dots on his arm. A couple were beading up with blood, but that was nothing compared to what he'd gone through the night he'd encountered that monster at Martingale's farm. 

Harvey wiped the arm down, which seemed kind of pointless because he didn't put any gauze on it after that and left it out in the open. 

'It's often hard in country towns to address mental health,' Harvey said, tidying up, not looking directly at Alex. 'It's hard everywhere, but it's harder in small towns, because mental health is often stigmatised. But it's-'

'-I'm fine, Dr Harvey,' Alex said. 'Like, seriously. If I could get paid more, that would solve pretty much all of my problems.'

Except for the one where I'm a gay loser, but conversion therapy sucks.

He'd looked into it once, but the main results that came up in the browser were all about abuse at conversion therapy programs. Alex didn't want to give himself more of a headache reading miserable stories written by unhappy people. All he knew was it wasn't like normal therapy, and he didn't want to go through more of what his dad had done to him. 

Harvey didn't look convinced, but he let it go. Alex left the clinic feeling like he'd been given a reprieve. He didn't know why Harvey suddenly cared so much about his mental health, and he didn't see why he needed to do anything about it anyway. Wasn't it normal to feel upset after the last of your family died? Wasn't it normal to feel sad about that? What was Harvey gonna do? Tell him to get over it faster? 

Alex sometimes worried he wasn't sad enough. Some nights he'd walk around the house, and he was already used to being alone, used to thinking of the house as his. Other nights he saw them everywhere. Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George in the lounge, in their room, in the laundry, in the kitchen, walking down the hall. He'd wake and be certain he was hearing the sound of Grandpa George's shows, only for it to be some kind of weird auditory hallucination. Or he'd wake convinced he could hear the clinking of a teaspoon in a cup of tea, and realise he'd imagined it. But even that wasn't sad every time, sometimes it was just really fucking weird. When his mom died, he’d been inconsolable until he'd seen Grandma Evelyn being strong for everyone and she'd just lost her daughter, so Alex packed up his sadness and the signs of it into a box and shoved it away, so he could be more like her. 

Now, he didn't know where he'd left the box, and sometimes he was surprised by the intensity of it all before it vanished again. 

When he got home he stood in the hall and swore he could smell the hospital grade cleaners they used in the hospital. He lifted his arm and smelled it, and realised it was the lingering chemicals Harvey had wiped his arm with.

He thought about how the smell had clung to Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George at the end. It felt gross, the smell clinging to him too, so he washed his arm again under the kitchen sink, and mentally tried to plan how he'd clean Sebastian's house. 

He was really fucking nervous about it.

*

Friday night, and Alex was contemplating lunch at around midnight when he heard a knock on the door. He knew it would be Sebastian, even as he opened it. Sebastian's almost-black eyes gleamed in the faint orangey light cast by the saloon and the streetlights. Alex could hear Sam and Abigail laughing together in the distance, and realised they must've all been at the Stardrop Saloon together, drinking, because Alex could smell the beer. His skin crawled, he hoped Sebastian wasn't drunk. Sebastian used to drink a fair bit.

'Hey,' Sebastian said, smiling. 'It's just occurred to me that you don't have my number, which seemed like an oversight.'

'Oh, um, sure. You want to come in?'

'Mm, no, it's okay. I'm on my way home.'

'Drinking at lunch?' Alex said, unable to keep the sharpness out of his voice. 'It might not be morning for the others, but it basically still is for you, right?'

Sebastian's eyes narrowed, and Alex locked down inside himself, telling himself he wasn't going to step back, and he wasn't scared. He wasn't scared. Sebastian wasn't like his dad, and...

And what? 

'It's not really any of your business,' Sebastian said, bringing his phone out and stepping past Alex, even though Alex had barely moved aside for him. Sebastian's arm brushed against Alex’s.

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'It's not like you're my boss or anything.'

Sebastian paused in the hall, then turned back and looked at him. Alex didn't know how to read him at all, and he was good at reading people, damn it. He'd spent most of his life being pretty fucking good at it, even though what he mostly read was the disinterest or disdain in the eyes of others. He knew they didn't care about his sports ambitions, he knew they didn't rate him, and he leaned hard into it anyway because it meant he got left alone. 

'Sorry,' Alex said. 

'I had a beer,' Sebastian said. 'One. With some pizza. That a problem?'

'I- No,' Alex said, taking a step backwards and pretending he was adjusting the decorative ceramic bowl on the hallway console. 

Sebastian inhaled like he was going to say something else, something mean. Alex knew it. He'd fucking overstepped. Things had been going well, and Alex didn't want to lose his job, and he imagined Sebastian telling him to not bother.

'Give me your number,' Sebastian said, 'and I'll text you mine.'

So Alex rattled off his phone number and watched as Sebastian programmed it in. His fingers were fast on his phone. They seemed clever. His hands used that sword, that keyboard, and seemed really competent. Alex had to tear his eyes away and his jaw worked briefly, because this was pathetic, wasn't it? But he was excited for tomorrow. Excited to clean. Even when it was tense and stupid between them. Even when Alex was worried that maybe Sebastian drank a lot of alcohol and maybe started too early and just...kept going. But no, he'd never offered Alex a beer or anything, and he always seemed to drink coffee, so Alex didn't fucking know. 

'I have all the cleaning supplies too,' Sebastian said. 'Don't bring anything.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'It's normal for cleaners to use the supplies in the client’s house, unless you have like a favourite...mop or something.' 

Alex looked up, and Sebastian's smile was wry. He was taller than Alex, he'd really grown into himself. Tonight he wore a black turtleneck, black jeans, and his hair looked like maybe he'd dragged his hands through it a few times, but in a fashionable way. He was wasted in Pelican Town. 

'How's your arm?' Sebastian asked. 'The stitches come out okay?' 

'Yeah, it's...' Alex pulled up his sleeve and showed him. 

Sebastian reached out and Alex - goddamn it, goddamn it - flinched backwards because he felt so overwhelmed at the idea of Sebastian touching him in his grandparent's house, in the hall, and Alex knew what his hands felt like, and he wanted it so much. He wanted it so much he couldn't handle it. Sebastian's hands jerked back, he scoffed.

'You can't catch it you know. It's not contagious.'

Shit. Of course that's what Sebastian thought. It was better that way, but Alex hated it. What could he say? He had to try and salvage the situation somehow.

'I just didn't think you'd-'

'They think it's hilarious, by the way. You working for me.'

They think it's hilarious. Sam and Abigail. Sebastian had been talking about it in the bar with them? Shit, had he been talking about it with them all week? And all his other friends? Alex...didn't want to imagine how those conversations went, but he couldn't help himself. He knew some people looked down on cleaners, or maybe they’d find it funny because Alex was doing it. Hard to lean into his arrogance when he was cleaning someone's home. 

'It is pretty funny,' Alex managed. 

'I'd think you were setting me up somehow, if I didn't know how much you need the money,' Sebastian said, his voice less mean. The words still hurt. Alex didn't know what to say, and Sebastian suddenly sighed. 'Every time I think you're picking a fight with me... What, the drinking worries you that much? It's just-'

Another long silence. Alex wanted Sebastian gone. He wanted Sebastian's hands on his forearm. And he wanted him to say the scar looked baller, and not gnarled and ugly. 

'Alex...' Alex had to look up, because Sebastian hardly ever said his name in general, let alone like that. His voice was careful, and different, and his face seemed pained. 'I don't really drink like that.' Then he grimaced. 'Okay, maybe for a while in Zuzu, and after everything with Wentworth, but right now I really just had one beer.'

'It's none of my business,' Alex said. 'It's your life, man.'

'When did you start giving in?' Sebastian said. He looked down at his phone, did something, and Alex's phone buzzed in his pocket. He always had it on silent these days. He didn't know how to reply to Sebastian's question. 'You just... What, I tell you that it's none of your business, and you just accept that? Really?'

'Do you want to argue?' Alex said slowly. 

'No,' Sebastian said, like he was surprised at himself. 'You know I've baited you a couple of times tonight and you haven't... I just had to look at you wrong in high school, and you'd shove me against a locker.'

'There's no lockers,' Alex said, feeling tired. 'But if you want, we can go back to campus, and I'll do it.'

Honestly, he was starting to feel like it might dispel all this weirdness between them. But it wouldn't. It was weird because Alex used to be an asshole, and Sebastian used to be an asshole too, and maybe he hadn't grown out of it. Whatever. 

'If you're staying,' Alex said, 'do you want some tea or coffee or something?'

'No, I'm not staying. Also you should send me your bank details.'

'You can pay me in cash,' Alex said. That's what Mayor Lewis always did. It wasn't like Alex ever got to deposit any of the money anyway. 

'Okay, well, if that changes, send them to me.' Sebastian turned towards the front door. 'I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Yeah. You said 9pm, right?'

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. He opened the door, then hesitated and turned back. He seemed to be considering Alex, but whatever he was thinking, Alex couldn't decipher it. Sebastian was a puzzle these days. Alex lost his footing constantly. But maybe Alex had forgotten how to socialise, he'd managed to scrape together some ability years ago and then working nights killed it off. 'The scar is cool, by the way.'

Alex’s cheeks burned, and Sebastian just did that small little smile that was more like a smirk, then closed the door behind him. 

Alex slid his phone out of his pocket to look at Sebastian's number, before adding it properly to his phone. It felt like despite everything, they were getting closer, weren't they? Alex closed his eyes. Sebastian coming back to town hadn't made any of Alex's feelings go away at all. If anything the growing ache inside him had gotten worse. He knew he needed to stop it. He did. He needed to fucking fantasise about someone else, he needed to have a fucking orgasm without Sebastian's name in his mouth for once.

Instead, a fluttery almost sick feeling in his chest - like the kind he used to get before big matches - at the fact that he'd probably be in Sebastian's house for a couple of hours tomorrow. At least a couple of hours. Alex wasn't stupid, he knew he wasn't there to talk, to be friends, but it was still two hours of drowning in the presence of someone he'd been thinking about for years.

It was wrong. He knew it was wrong. He clutched his phone to his chest and forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths.

That night – for the first time in ages – he got some of his weights out and focused on sets and reps and counting out each lateral raise, each curl, so he wouldn't drive himself mad thinking about the fact that this time tomorrow, he'd have completed his first - and hopefully not last - shift cleaning Sebastian's house. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter - I'm Afraid That You're Just Borrowed:

"Sebastian just watched him, and Alex was angry enough that he decided to say more instead of leaving it there.

'My mom was dying, and Grandma Evelyn helped, but mom...liked a clean house. So I did 'this stuff' as a kid.' Alex paused and looked around. 'Probably not as good as I can do it now though.'

When he turned back, he didn't have a word for the look on Sebastian's face. Like he was shocked, or upset, but...Alex didn't fucking know.

'Maybe I should've been a cleaner all along,' Alex said, which was a stupid attempt at a joke, and he wasn't surprised when Sebastian didn't laugh.

'I'm sorry,' Sebastian said, 'I didn't know.'"

*

Le Tumblor. (There's a small excerpt there from the next chapter that isn't in the preview! x.x)

Chapter 11: I’m Afraid That You’re Just Borrowed

Notes:

Tonight I am playing the 'is it a contagious illness or is it a very bad Fibromyalgia flare' game and folks I think it might be the latter, which is blerghgh. I want Alex to give me the energy he has for cleaning a house from top to bottom because I absolutely do not have it, lol

On Saturday, Sebastian was clearly in the middle of working when Alex arrived, and he was more business-like than he'd been so far in a way that felt new and awkward. He showed Alex to the laundry and opened up the cabinets. 

'Everything's in here. The linen closet in the corridor has the sheets and the vacuum and stuff.'

'Do you want me to um...warn you when I vacuum?' Alex thought Sebastian looked hot in his black-rimmed glasses.

'No, I'll have headphones in, and I can tune it out. I think you forget my mom’s a carpenter and Maru's into robotics, and Maru and Demetrius did loud science experiments while I was working or doing homework. I've been tuning out loud noises for a long time.'

'Fuck,' Alex said. 'Yeah, you'll probably have no problems then.' 

'If you have any problems, just come get me. But don't come up on me from behind when I've got my headphones in. All the training I've done to fight has given me some reflexes,' Sebastian said, and Alex nodded, he had enough reflexes of his own, though nothing like that. 

'I'll...ah, leave you to it,' Sebastian said, turning and then hesitating. 'I wrote a list of what I want.'

'You told me last time,' Alex said. He didn't want to read a list, and he could tell from here that Sebastian's writing was small and cramped. 'I remember.'

'Right. Do you want a coffee or anything?'

Alex shook his head. Now that he was here, he was nervous, he wanted to do a good job. He'd watched some YouTube videos about cleaning that morning. He felt like Sebastian would see all his failures. He didn't think Sebastian had him here to humiliate him. Probably. The offer to clean seemed genuine enough. Alex held back from asking what order Sebastian liked things done in, because Sebastian told him last time, and Alex remembered. 

Sebastian stayed for a few seconds longer, then he seemed to come to some decision, and walked back down the corridor to his computer in that big open kitchen and lounge area. A few seconds later, Alex heard the sound of his fingers flying over the keyboard, and walked over to the list, squinting at it. Sebastian wrote in black pen, the letters were pressed in firmly. The list didn't seem to have anything new on it, but Alex didn't read it comprehensively because the letters wiggled and jumped, and no amount of blinking stopped it from happening. 

Alex brought out everything he'd need from the cabinets and put it on the laundry counter and breathed slowly. He could do this, right? He'd just do it the way his mom and Grandma Evelyn had taught him, and hopefully that would be enough. 

He started in Sebastian's room, stripping down the bed, eyes hungrily eating up as much detail as they could, even though he was only there for a few minutes, sheets bundled together in his arms as he walked back down the corridor. Sebastian's bedside tables were pretty clean, actually. There was a pair of neatly folded reading glasses with silver rims, and Alex wondered why he had two pairs. Maybe that was normal. A box of tissues by one side of the bed, and Alex knew that was normal too, but even as he stuffed the sheets into the washing machine, he had one more fantasy to add to his head - Sebastian in his own bed, his long and clever fingers around his cock, using the tissues to clean up afterwards. 

Fuck. 

Eventually, the nerves dissipated, and Alex focused on what he was doing. He knew it made more sense to start the laundry first, to put down the cleaning products that needed a few minutes to soak, like the bleach in the toilet and in the shower. He went from noticing personal details about Sebastian's life, to noticing more of the dirt and dust around the place. The last cleaner had been thorough in some areas, but not in others, and Grandma Evelyn would have noticed things like the dust on the exhaust fan and the windowsill behind an often-closed curtain. She was house proud, and it occurred to Alex that he might be too.

He was methodical, but Sebastian's house was bigger than his, and eventually he was sweaty enough that he took his jumper off and folded it, placing it on the counter in the laundry by Sebastian's list. 

Grandma Evelyn had taught him to clean from the top down, because if you cleaned the floor and then dusted, you just got dust on a clean floor which was fucking useless. On a whim, Alex also decided to clean the bay window in Sebastian's room because it didn't look like the panels of glass had been done in a while. Window cleaning wasn't something Sebastian had mentioned, but Alex couldn’t help it. After that Alex lost himself in wiping stuff down and slotting the next few tasks together. 

It was easy until he had to go into the kitchen, because he felt weird cleaning while Sebastian was working in the same room. Sebastian was doing the kind of job that earned him enough to bankroll this house, and Alex was...well...cleaning. It wasn't like the house was super dirty or anything, though Alex frowned when he opened the inside of the oven and saw the state of it. 

'You don't have to do that,' Sebastian said from the computer.

Alex froze, he hadn't realised Sebastian was watching him. He turned where he was crouched on the floor, and Sebastian looked like such a fucking professional. Alex felt like if Sebastian mocked him for how low class he was, Alex would just agree with it.

'What even happened?' Alex said finally. Sebastian slid his over-ear headphones off. 

'I used to do like...pasta bakes in there, but I didn't realise I had to put a tray beneath the bake itself, so everything kind of dripped down to the bottom instead of... Yeah. The last cleaner said she wouldn't touch it - she only ever did the stovetop - and I keep meaning to get around to it, but I haven't yet.'

'Yeah,' Alex said, looking back at all the blackened crap at the base of the oven. 'It might take more than one go. Like I might not be able to get it clean today but I can definitely start on it.'

'You don't have to-'

'Uh huh,' Alex said, rolling his eyes. 'I'll try not to be too loud.'

'It's not that,' Sebastian said, and then shrugged. 'I mean you can if you want. But you don't have to.'

He put his headphones back on, and that seemed to be the end of the conversation. Alex brought down cleaning agents and slid out the shelving in the oven to scrub in the sink and left everything at the base soaking so he could maybe...scrape some of it off. It was disgusting, but whatever. That's why Alex was wearing gloves. Still, as he worked in the kitchen, his back turned to Sebastian, he wondered if Sebastian ever looked at him, ever watched him. 

Sebastian was gay, he was out of the closet, so did he ever... did he even rate people like Alex? He probably wasn't attracted to homophobes.

Alex sighed as he scrubbed the grill-plates from the stovetop. If he did them now, he wouldn't have to be so thorough about it next week, if he was allowed to come back. 

Sebastian typed in furious bursts, Alex could hear some dull thudding beat coming through the headphones, so he must've had the music up loud. In between the ridiculously fast typing, Alex sometimes saw him scroll down through impenetrable code, brightly coloured text against a black background, and sometimes he'd rest his chin in his hand and scroll back and forth, back and forth like he was bored.

Alex knelt down by the oven and was surprised when all the crap at the bottom came away pretty easily after soaking. It must've been because the oven was brand new, because no way would he have had the same success with that amount of crap in Grandma Evelyn's ancient oven. 

About half an hour later he was back in Sebastian's room, sighing in relief to be away from him, even though he wanted to be near him too. But he felt the discrepancy between them acutely, and it wasn't like cleaning for his grandparents. It felt different.

Alex made Sebastian's bed and stood by the bay window, looking out at the pond. There were little solar lights around it, so he could see it okay even though it was dark. It was a decent size, the plants looked pretty mature. Sebastian must've bought them that way, maybe. Or maybe the pond had always been there, and Alex never realised, because everyone focused on the mountain lake instead. He stretched his arms a few times, they ached after his workout the day before and everything he was doing now. He absently dug his fingers into the place where the monster had gotten him, because the muscles there felt sore. The ridge of scar tissue went deep, and Alex felt disturbed and stopped touching it. He looked down at his arm. 

It was weird, in a way, that he didn't have more scars after his dad. It was so weird how a quick encounter with a monster could leave a mark on him like this, and spending his childhood with his dad had left some marks here and there, but all small enough to be easily explained as childhood scrapes. 

Pull yourself together, man.

Alex took a breath and got back to it. 

Sebastian didn't seem bothered when Alex vacuumed around him. He didn't seem bothered when Alex mopped after that. He didn't say anything as Alex emptied about the bins, or swept the decking, because he seemed absorbed in whatever he was staring at. When Alex came back in, Sebastian was writing and then sending an email, making absent clicking noises with his tongue, like he was impatient or annoyed at something. 

By the time Alex was done, he'd spent four hours cleaning Sebastian's house and the dryer was finally done, so he could fold Sebastian's sheets and put them away. He had multiple sets. The sheets were way softer than Alex's at home. They probably felt really nice.

Alex was pretty sure he'd do it all faster next time. Once he knew where everything was and got the feel of it he could get it down to about three hours. He hoped that wouldn't waste too much of Sebastian’s time or cost him too much money.

He put everything away and took his jumper and the list. He hoped this was the last time he'd ever have to look at written instructions in Sebastian's house. 

He forced himself to take a breath and walked down the corridor, feeling super nervous, because this would be when Sebastian would tell him it had all been a ruse, this was the time to find out if it was legit, or if Alex was a punchline to an extended joke. He always felt like he was on the back foot around Sebastian. The guy was so much smarter than he was. 

When he got into the kitchen, Sebastian was typing, and it took him about ten seconds to realise Alex was there. He slid his headphones off, then he looked at his computer and swore. 

'Shit, I should've made you something to eat,' he said. 

'No, I took too long,' Alex said quickly. 'I'm fine. You can- I mean I'm done, so you can check if it's...good or not.'

Sebastian nodded and stood, pushing the chair in. Alex followed him back down the corridor, not surprised that the first place Sebastian went was his bathroom. But where Alex had been expecting a really thorough inspection, Sebastian was out five seconds later, face impassive, giving nothing away. Alex felt a bit like a dog trailing after him from place to place, but whatever, it was fine. 

'It's good,' Sebastian said, after he'd opened the linen closet and looked inside it. 'It's... Like, I'll be honest, it's hard to imagine you doing any of this stuff. Let alone being good at it?'

'Yeah,' Alex said. That was a compliment, right? It was just another reminder that Sebastian's bar for him was so fucking low it was in the centre of the goddamn planet.

'No, I mean...' Sebastian looked at him. 'Sometimes I get stuck thinking of you as... I mean did you used to do this stuff when you were a kid? No one does.'

Alex stared at him for a long fucking time and had to swallow down the heavy, thick anger that was building. It was in his arms and his hands, made his fingers want to curl into fists. In that moment he could've slammed Sebastian against his own corridor wall.

'I did,' Alex said finally, his voice rough. 

Sebastian just watched him, and Alex was angry enough that he decided to say more instead of leaving it there. 

'My mom was dying, and Grandma Evelyn helped, but mom...liked a clean house. So I did 'this stuff' as a kid.' Alex paused and looked around. 'Probably not as good as I can do it now though.'

When he turned back, he didn't have a word for the look on Sebastian's face. Like he was shocked, or upset, but...Alex didn't fucking know. 

'Maybe I should've been a cleaner all along,' Alex said, which was a stupid attempt at a joke, and he wasn't surprised when Sebastian didn't laugh. 

'I'm sorry,' Sebastian said, 'I didn't know.'

Alex nodded and didn't say it was because his mom never wanted anyone to find out what it was really like. His mom was...private. Maybe she'd learned it from Alex's dad, but she didn't gossip, and she didn't talk to people about everything the same way Haley did. When the cancer came, she was private about that too. She had the doctors and nurses, and Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George, and she had Alex. What were they supposed to do? Get a loudspeaker and tell the town that things were hard? Everyone knew things were hard. 

'You had no way of knowing,' Alex said finally. 'You were a kid.'

He edged past Sebastian and walked down the corridor into the kitchen, needing to get out of the narrow space. It wasn't even that narrow, it just felt that way when Sebastian was there. 

Sebastian followed him, then walked past him and took out two plates. 

'I don't need lunch,' Alex said. 

'So humour me,' Sebastian said. 

'You don't have to pay me for the full amount of time either. And I'll be faster next time. I can be like...at least an hour faster.'

Sebastian paused in the middle of taking sandwich ingredients out of his fridge, and then kept going and didn't say anything until he had everything on the counter. He turned and leaned back against it and looked so much like he belonged in this place that he'd made for himself. Sure, Robin may have actually built it, but it felt like Sebastian's space, like it'd always been his space. 

'You don't have to be faster,' Sebastian said, 'and I am going to pay you for the full amount of time, at the rate we discussed. Look, I didn't mean to hurt you with the things I said just now. I'm so used to thinking of you...in a different way. But it's a pretty poor excuse for the things I say, isn’t it? Anyway. Are you allergic to anything? Or do you have any foods you don't eat?'

'I'm easy,' Alex said. As long as it wasn't raw fish, they were going to be fine. Alex couldn't handle the texture, which was a shame, because it would be way easier to eat raw fish than to fucking cook it all the time. 

He watched as Sebastian made sandwiches for them both - ham and salad - and poured them both glasses of juice from the fridge. It was simple enough, but tasty, and Alex ate appreciatively at the small kitchen table where Sebastian had stitched up his arm almost two weeks ago. 

‘Are there any cleaning supplies I need to stock up on?' Sebastian said.

'Window cleaning stuff,' Alex said. 'And, uh, maybe some more trays so the bottom of your oven doesn't look like the aftermath of a volcanic eruption again in the future.'

Sebastian's smile was crooked. 'Sure. I've already done that last part.' 

'The coding seems...hard,' Alex said, looking over at the computer monitors, where the code was back on one screen, and a playlist was on the other.

'It's not,' Sebastian said. 'It's fiddly, but coding is what I like doing, so it comes pretty easily. I get more frustrated with the clients than the code. Well. Mostly. I've never liked working with people. Clients are the worst part of the job. But they're also the only way I get paid.'

Alex laughed, and Sebastian just watched him. 

'I think you've seen more death than anyone else in the Valley, you know,' he said suddenly. 'Or at least in Pelican Town.'

Alex's smile vanished, he felt like he was under a stark, bright spotlight. Because what the hell? And had he? That wasn't true, was it? He opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and he closed it again. 

'That must be hard,' Sebastian said, his voice quieter than before, and he picked up the last half of his sandwich and bit into it. 

'It's...' He couldn't say it was fine. 'It's...what I know.’

He hadn't meant to say that either. But it was true. When his mom died, he'd had such a hard time, and he buried it, but Grandma Evelyn had noticed and gotten him a book. How to Deal With Grief. It was the only book Alex had read most of, and it hadn't told him shit about how to deal with grief. Nothing it said erased the emptiness or the loss or the way he could go from feeling so fucking hollow to so fucking full of emotion he'd want to scream. He took all of that to physical education and ran track and jumped hurdles and played team sports and sprinted until his legs burned or jogged laps until his lungs burned and the book didn't tell him to do that, but it was the only thing that fucking helped. 

When his grandparents died, he learned that death was going to be both familiar and new from now on. It was going to feel like a path he'd walked before, it was going to have new obstacles, new traps and pitfalls. 

'That's horrible,' Sebastian said.

'I suppose,' Alex said. He finished off his sandwich. All the talk of death didn't put him off his appetite. He kind of wished it would, make some kind of emotional statement, but he was hungry after all the cleaning, and the sandwich was really good. It’d been ages since someone had fixed him something to eat.

'You don't really tell anyone what you're thinking, do you? Not even Haley?' 

'Sometimes Haley,' Alex said, drinking half the juice. 'But there's no point.'

'Why not?'

'Because I never think anything that really matters,' Alex said, taking Sebastian's plate and his own and taking them over to the kitchen sink before Sebastian could stop him. 'I don't mean that in a 'woe is me' way, I just mean...there’s a lot of noise up there, and it won't benefit anyone to say it out loud, to make it noisier out here too.'

'So it's a noisy place in your head, huh?'

'I guess,' Alex said, shrugging. 'I don't think it's different to what anyone else thinks about. Probably more swear words.'

Sebastian laughed, and it was gentle and warm. 'I don't know,' he said. 'I might have you beat on that one.'

Alex turned and smiled at him, and Sebastian was already smiling, and it felt really good like this. It felt good to realise there wasn't a punchline, this hadn't been a joke after all. 

Notes:

In our next chapter - which doesn't have a title yet! ->

"'It's fine,' Alex said. 'I don't get why you're being so weird about this. You were the one that said he'd changed! I was the one that used to bully him, remember?'

'He has changed,' Haley admitted. 'I'm not mad, I'm just- Alex, he was super horrendous to you in school. No one else talked to you that way who wasn't related to you.'

'Don't talk about dad,' Alex said, frowning. 'We never talk about him.'

It was an unspoken agreement between them. Haley almost never asked about his family, never talked about his family, despite knowing more than the rest of the town simply through being friends with Alex.

'I'm trying to... Look, maybe it'll work out! But Sebastian's never been that bad to me, and when he was, it was only because I knew you. So I do think he's changed, but I think you put up with too much from him? Like, I just don't want you to work somewhere you'll get hurt. I'm just worried, okay? It's allowed.'

'Sure,' Alex said. 'But I'm fine! Sebastian mostly worked the whole time and then he made me a sandwich and I went home.'

'But what about when he has friends over? Or what if he brings a boyfriend home?'"

*

Yeah, what if? Alex? What then? x.x

Writing about writing and stuff on Tumblr, and listening to the playlist for this story over at Spotify.

Chapter 12: You're Craving Your Karma

Notes:

It's autumn here at the moment (not 'fall,' because our leaves don't fall), and I'm craving a hot honey, ginger, kumquat tea and I have nearly everything to make that (inc the kumquat syrup) so I might do that later tonight.

Note: Dealing with a currency system that is only gold coins and no notes is actually such a pain. Also, Mayor Lewis is definitely in antagonist territory in this fic!

Sebastian paid Alex before he left, and Alex stared at the container of gold coins and then pocketed it, feeling like he was rich even though he wasn't. But getting that much money for only that much work was absurd, he felt like he'd cheated as he walked home. 

Sebastian wanted him to work three days a week, which shocked the hell out of Alex as he stood there on the front decking. 

'Your place...doesn't need it,' Alex said. 

'It doesn't, but I'm fussy.'

'You want me to change your sheets and stuff every two to three days?' 

'Oh, no, I should have been clearer. The mopping and vacuuming and stuff, and the sweeping of the decking, and cleaning the bathroom and the toilet, I want that every two to three days. My bed you can do like once a week.'

'Congratulations,' Alex said, 'you're the cleanest person I've ever met. You're not just trying to like- You're not trying to be weird and find ways to give me more money, are you?'

'No,' Sebastian said, laughing in a self-deprecating way that Alex wasn't familiar with, and kind of liked. 'I know I could do it myself and it would be cheaper, but I just like it that way. I learned when I moved out that I like a clean home. I’d never had the opportunity before. There was always sawdust everywhere. I learned when I moved to Zuzu that I liked it even more when I didn't have to do it. If that's too much for you though...twice a week is fine.'

'Um. No it's- I can do it.' 

That was the end of the conversation. Sebastian went inside and Alex thought about how much money he was going to get paid for only a few hours of work every week. It was wild. All the way home he wondered if Martingale's home was clean or dirty, it'd seemed clean enough - though cluttered as fuck - when Sebastian had dragged him inside it, but Alex hadn't exactly been looking for dirt that day. Did Martingale care about a clean home? Was that who Sebastian had learned it from? 

When he got home, he put the money in the drawer next to his bed and didn't want to use it. Everything felt tenuous, like it could disappear at any moment. He still wasn't ready to quit the delivery job, but Mayor Lewis would expect him working again the following week. Alex didn't have to give him two weeks' notice, and he'd fully expected to keep delivering until Mayor Lewis found someone else, but the contrast between the demands of the cleaning job and the delivery job were eye opening, and he sat on the couch staring past the blank television screen, feeling an unease around Mayor Lewis he'd never been aware of. 

*

The day after, he was surprised to get a call from Haley in the early evening. He picked it up, worried something had happened, because they normally texted. 

'Hey, Alex, why do I have to find out that you're cleaning Sebastian's house from like...Jodi of all people?'

Sam's mom, of course. So Sebastian had been talking about it. Alex paused where he'd been wiping down the countertop and leaned against it instead. 'I didn't know if it was gonna be a sure thing, for a start. Sebastian might like...fire me.'

'Alex, maybe you didn't tell me because you knew it wasn't a great idea?'

'No, it's a great idea,' Alex said. 'Cleaning is easy, and I'm getting paid so much more.'

'But you have a history together! Maybe he's doing this to humiliate you!'

'What?' Alex felt confused. 'I didn't get that vibe from him at all. Hales, all he has to do to humiliate me is talk to me. He doesn't care if I clean his house or not. Like, he doesn't think less of cleaners. He's been pretty polite about that.' 

Haley was quiet for a long time, then sighed. 'If you're not delivering today, I want to come over.'

'I'm not delivering all week.'

'Give me five minutes.'

She hung up and walked into Alex's house less than five minutes later, walking over to the fridge and wrinkling her nose at the small amounts of food inside. Back when Grandma Evelyn had been alive, it'd been filled with so much more home-cooked goodness. There were more preserves, jams, pickles, more leftovers, corned beef for sandwiches...

Haley turned and hugged Alex in greeting, then sat at the kitchen table, staring at him in a way that meant she was about to say something serious. Alex stared back, because sometimes he could make her laugh if he mirrored her expression. But she kept watching him, and eventually he folded his arms and looked away. 

'It's fine,' Alex said. 'I don't get why you're being so weird about this. You were the one that said he'd changed! I was the one that used to bully him, remember?'

'He has changed,' Haley admitted. 'I'm not mad, I'm just- Alex, he was super horrendous to you in school. No one else talked to you that way who wasn't related to you.'

'Don't talk about dad,' Alex said, frowning. 'We never talk about him.'

It was an unspoken agreement between them. Haley almost never asked about his family, never talked about his family, despite knowing more than the rest of the town simply through being friends with Alex. 

'I'm trying to... Look, maybe it'll work out!’ Haley said. ‘But Sebastian's never been that bad to me, and when he was, it was only because I knew you. So I do think he's changed, but I think you put up with too much from him? Like, I just don't want you to work somewhere you'll get hurt. I'm worried, okay? It's allowed.'

'Sure,' Alex said. 'But I'm fine! Sebastian mostly worked the whole time and then he made me a sandwich and I went home.'

'But what about when he has friends over? Or what if he brings a boyfriend home?'

Alex's whole body went cold. He hadn't even thought of that. Of course Sebastian might be looking to date new people now that he had a fancy house and was single again. He knew Haley was trying to protect him, but Alex was more worried about cleaning a house while Sebastian and some new lover were romantic together in the lounge or something. Alex would die. 

'I'll cross that bridge when I come to it,' Alex said. 'There's other stuff I can do. I didn't realise cleaners got paid so much.'

'They don't, silly,' Haley said, a strange, sad expression on her face. 'But yeah, they get paid better than working for Mayor Lewis.' 

'I was gonna keep doing delivery at the same time,' Alex said, then sat down at the table. 'I don't want to now. Cleaning's way easier. It doesn't take as long, and I have more time. If Sebastian doesn't fire me, it'll be more money for way less hours. Maybe I could do other things sometimes. See you more. I could even go to the gym again.' 

'Yeah?' Haley said, tilting her head. 'You know you can just quit the delivery job.' 

'But then who's gonna do the pick-ups?'

'Mayor Lewis will have to suck it up and do it himself like he used to, until he finds someone else to exploit or he offers a better hourly rate.'

'He'll be real mad about it,' Alex said. He stared at the table. 'He's not like- He'll do the whole guilt-trip thing, you know. He's really good at it.'

'Alex, if you stood in the central square tomorrow and shouted that Mayor Lewis doesn't pay the citizens of Pelican Town a fair rate for their work, he'd change his tune real quick. He only treats you like that because he knows he can.'

'He's not a bad guy,' Alex said. 'You're making him sound awful.'

'It's more like...he's not the kind of person to push someone down, but he's also not really trying to lift you up either. So he's not as bad as some people you've known, but that doesn't make him automatically really nice and friendly, you know? Alex, your bar is so low, maybe you don't realise there's other ways people can fail you.'

'Shit, deep conversation for first thing in the morning.'

'It's nine pm for some of us,' Haley said, smiling as she looked at the closed curtains that led to the darkness beyond. 

'You think I can just quit on Mayor Lewis? Maybe that makes me a bad guy.' 

Haley made a sound of frustration and covered her face with her hands. 'You drive me crazy.'

'Yeah? Is it hot?' 

She laughed against her palms, and her hands dropped, her expression affectionate. 'Way hot. The hottest.' 

'Knew it,' Alex said, smiling. Haley shook her head and looked around the house, the amusement fading from her face. 

'It's too big. It feels like we're two children in a giant house, doesn't it?' 

Alex couldn't say anything because that was exactly what it felt like. Sometimes when it was just him, he felt so lonely and small, crushed by a place that had always felt like home. His grandparents had asked him to stay there for the rest of his life, to keep the house and its memories going, to bring a wife here. He knew they imagined children running through the rooms long after they were gone, and those images left them with hope for the future as their lives faded. Alex studied Haley and wished he could love her the way his grandparents expected him to, the way even Sebastian and the rest of the town expected him to. Bad enough he'd only wanted one guy for years, he couldn't fulfil the wishes of Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George. 

The house was made with more than two people in mind, and at moments like this, Alex felt it and Haley did too. 

'I think about them all the time,' Haley said, looking over at the kitchen counter where Grandma Evelyn used to spend so much of her time before she passed away. 

'Me too,' Alex said. 

'The whole town does.' 

'Yeah,' he said. He was both glad for it, and bitter about it. His grandparents had left a lasting impression in the town, and sometimes he felt like the parasite that had taken their place. He knew most of the townspeople would rather have Grandma Evelyn back, if it meant Alex disappeared instead. 

They were silent for a while, and then Haley started talking about the clients she'd seen that day, and towards the end she said: 'What's it like? What's he like to work for?'

'Um. He's pretty clear about what he wants,' Alex said. 'He made me mad though, the other day.'

‘Sebastian, making you mad? I know it used to happen all the time but it doesn’t seem to happen as much anymore,' Haley said, frowning. 

'It was just- He has all these ideas about me in his head. Some of them are right, y'know? And some I don't mind as much when he's wrong. And then there's stuff which I just...can't let go. He took it pretty well. Afterwards I thought he could've fired me for speaking up like that. But he apologised. It seems okay now.' 

'You have to tell me if there's anything really weird in his home, like...stuffed frogs or something.'

'He has a frog pond,' Alex said. 'It's really cool. Not gross at all. It bet it sounds amazing in spring.' 

'Annoying, more like,' Haley said, laughing. 

'And how did, ah, Jodi talk to you about it all? Was she...?' 

Haley grimaced, which told Alex a lot before she even followed it up. 'It's just...she heard it from Sam, and I think... You know how people are. She doesn't think it's bad, I think she just wishes you were doing something different.'

'We can't all be soldiers like Kent and get ourselves half blown-up in the war.' 

'Alex!' She laughed softly. 'You're so right though. Also, like, I know Sam's making some money with his music, but he's not like...y'know. Sometimes these people come in with their opinions about everyone and it's like, until recently, I never realised how much people would rather gossip about others than deal with stuff. I used to be like that too. The job's actually taught me to examine things some more, think some more.'

'Yeah? You turning into one of them deep thinkers?'

'That's me, a regular philosopher, could've seen it coming from a mile away.' She beamed and then shrugged. 'I was thinking I might want to live on a farm one day! Or have some more animals. Emily's got her mind-melded parrot which doesn't count. I want something with fur, that I can hug and lie down with.'

'Just get your man - whoever he ends up being - to wear a fluffy coat.'

'What about you? What do you want?'

Alex wanted Sebastian. He wanted Sebastian to notice him, to smile at him, to want him. He wanted Sebastian in so many ways he'd be happy just to be the guy's friend, even if it felt like an unattainable goal. He wanted, at some point, to get laid, but he couldn't force himself to go to some Zuzu gay bar, because he knew he only wanted...one person. Until that feeling shattered, he was stuck with it. Sometimes he couldn't wait for the bubble to burst, so he could live a pretence of a normal life afterwards. But even when he imagined being with someone else, it was never girls, even the best ones like Haley. 

Alex wondered when Sebastian knew that about himself. Was it early? Did he learn that about himself through Martingale? Was it something else? 

'I'll figure it out,' Alex said eventually. 'I'm not in any rush. Gotta figure out how to tell Mayor Lewis I don't want to work for him anymore. And I gotta figure out how long I wait to do that.'

'Do it anyway,' Haley said firmly. 'Just tell him because you don't want to do the job, and you'll find something else if shit goes down with Sebastian. I didn't realise how badly Lewis was paying you, you never told me!'

'I mean you weren't making much either. You used to do nails for free! Remember? 'Oh, Carol from Crystalview City has four kids, and she was short on cash this time, so I just gave her a freebie because she's so good to me' and blah blah blah. Come on, man, you weren't valuing your work either.'

Haley muffled her laugh with her fingers. 'I got better. I suppose it's hard, sometimes, when you start out.' 

Alex smiled, then got up and kept cleaning off the kitchen counter, and then the kitchen table. They talked about winter coming, and how the snow would fall soon. One night, without fail, they'd wake up to it carpeting the town. Alex had delivered during that first snowfall once, stopping the truck and getting out to stare at it all, shivering and rubbing at his arms as he stared at the strange weather in wonder. 

What happened to the frogs when Sebastian's pond froze over?

When Haley left, Alex thought about going to the gym and realised it'd be closed. He knew Martingale had some fancy key to all the buildings from Mayor Lewis, and Sebastian would probably break in except he had his home gym. Alex used the weights in his bedroom, and then after sweating through a workout, brought some of his equipment into the lounge, setting it all down onto the mats he used. 

He knew he could use the room of his grandparents, technically no one was using that space anymore, but he couldn't. He still cleaned their bedroom like they were coming back to it. He changed the sheets and the doona cover, he fluffed the pillows, he aired out the bedroom, and when he found wildflowers, he sometimes took a few and put them in a little green vase with daisies painted on it, looking around the room and feeling like it meant something even though he didn't know what it meant. He wasn't religious like Grandpa George and Grandma Evelyn. He didn't worship at any Yoba statues. He used to think people straight up died and that was it. He'd been sure of it even after his mom died. 

But being in this house was different. As far as he was concerned, their room was still their room, and since no one was asking him to change it, he'd leave it like that for however long it needed to stay that way.

*

After Haley left, Alex stayed up until mid-morning so he could catch Mayor Lewis at home. He felt sick, walking along the fence-line towards the Mayor's brown front door, knotting and unknotting his knuckles together, but he wanted to do this before he lost his nerve. He knew how easy it would be to go back to delivering, working two jobs, trying to juggle both. He trusted Haley, and he didn't want to do the delivery job forever, especially now that he knew he really did have other options. 

He knocked on the door and Mayor Lewis opened it, smiling through his moustache. His eyes darted down to Alex's unbandaged arm, and Alex gulped. Mayor Lewis scared the shit out of him. Most older guys did. It was so stupid, wasn't it? The only one who didn't was old Willy, but that was only because Alex had never seen the man angry before. Everything would change once Alex saw that. 

'The arm's come good then, I take it!' Mayor Lewis said. 'It will be good to have you doing the pick-ups again!' 

'Yeah, um, about that...Mayor Lewis, I'm- I won't be able to come back and do that. I've gotten another job.' 

Mayor Lewis stared at him, and Alex shoved his hands nervously into his pockets, and had no idea how other people dealt with this, the terror of a guy with more power staring him down like a goddamn forcefield. In that moment he wished - even though it made him a fucking coward - that Haley were here, that she'd deal with this for him. 

But Alex was a grown-ass adult, and he knew he had to deal with this situation himself, even though all he desperately wanted to do was tell Mayor Lewis he'd keep doing delivery, just like once upon a time he'd agreed to keep manning the town ice cream stand even when hardly anyone used it and standing out with that flimsy umbrella in the force of the full sun used to give him headaches.

'That's so strange,' Mayor Lewis said, 'how did you pick up another job? If you were too injured to do delivery, surely you were too injured to look for something else?’

Shit. 

Notes:

In the next chapter, 'Feeling Like An Anecdote':

"Sebastian's eyes narrowed, and Alex felt nervous, thinking that maybe Mayor Lewis hadn't gotten that angry at all. Alex knew he had a problem with older guys who held power, even Morris at Joja used to intimidate the crap out of him. He hoped he wasn't spinning some tale where Sebastian realised Alex was the punchline. That would be the worst.

'And then he said I could at the very least do deliveries until he found someone. And like, I could, right? But it's been...hard.'

Alex swallowed and looked away.

'I told him I couldn't. That I couldn't afford to. And Mayor Lewis said he only had so much in the community fund,' -At that, Sebastian scoffed, which gave Alex some strength to keep going- 'and I stupidly suggested maybe he could go to farmer Martingale, since you know, he's the one who actually makes the delivery pick-up the hardest, and Mayor Lewis just got really angry at me for taking Martingale for granted, and like, talked about how he was a real credit to his grandfather, and how I came from... what I came from, so it was the least I could do.'

'He what?' Sebastian said, standing abruptly."

*

Sebastian has always loved a common enemy, and Mayor Lewis has been on his shit-list since high school. That dude has a book, and he sure is writing a name in it. e.e

Things on Tumblr, and the playlist for this story (that I'm listening to right now) on Spotify

Chapter 13: Feeling Like an Anecdote

Notes:

Note: Primary school = elementary school.

Warning: Ableism and bullying from an older man to a younger man.

Tbh there's probably way more stuff I should be translating than just that, lol. Anyway, for the folks who love to hate Mayor Lewis, I think you'll like this chapter!

Alex hated that he had to talk about this on the front step of someone's house. He tried not to look around, because he felt like that would make him seem even more suspicious or untrustworthy. Mayor Lewis already radiated disapproval. 

'So,' Alex said, swallowing thickly, 'I had Sebastian come and help me, when things were hard- Sebastian needed a cleaner, and he only works at night, you know, like me, so he finds it hard to find cleaners who can work within his hours.' 

'I see,' Mayor Lewis said. Then silence gaped between them, until Alex had to fill it. 

'So...you see, I'm- I'm like working for him now. And it's less hours. The pay's really good! I'm sure you'll find someone to fill the delivery spot soon. Anyway, I just came round to-'

'It's really quite hard, being a Mayor,' Mayor Lewis said. 'I don't think you quite appreciate how tough it is for me to have even picked up the deliveries in the meantime. I've been missing sleep, I really need someone else to just...do their part for the town. I can't do it all on my own, you know.'

'I know! Sure, sure, I know, and-'

'Sam's unreliable,' Mayor Lewis said, 'and there's not many other men I'd trust with the job. At the very least, I expect you'll be staying on until I find someone else, won't you? I confess, I've been waiting for that arm of yours to heal so I can finally have a good night's sleep again.'

Alex's breathing turned shallow. It wasn't like Mayor Lewis was being mean, he had his own motivations, his own priorities, and Alex felt horribly guilty for not immediately saying yes. He kept remembering Haley's sound of exasperation, putting her head in her hands. He forced himself to remember the time Sebastian took him to the Community Centre and showed him how much Mayor Lewis paid people after anonymously requesting that slimes be killed in the mines. 

'It's not really work I can afford to do,' Alex said finally. 'There were medical bills, you know, at the end.'

'I can only pay so much out of the community fund for workers, I'm afraid,' Mayor Lewis said, looking tragically heartbroken at the idea that anyone would ask him for more money. 'We're not a rich town, Alex, and-'

'Maybe you should look at asking someone like farmer Martingale to do more for the town?' 

'Excuse me?' Mayor Lewis said. 

They'd gone from disappointment to offense, and Alex wanted to fucking die. 

'No, I didn't mean-'

'Do you know how much Martingale Wentworth has put into this town? Into the entire Valley?'

'I know it's been a lot, I just meant-'

'We wouldn't have a Community Centre if it wasn't for that gentleman. A real credit to his grandfather, that one, especially for someone who used to be a city slicker. Meanwhile your father, Alex, gave nothing to the town and took a great deal from it in the meantime, all his gambling debts... I'm sure you don't remember.'

Alex remembered. His mind was a steel goddamned trap. He couldn't quite parse the fact that Mayor Lewis was bringing his dad into it. A spark of anger flared, though it guttered like a candle in a storm in the face of all of Alex's guilt. Standing up to people like Mayor Lewis felt so wrong, and he didn't know how to explain it to Haley, and he'd never bothered to explain it to anyone else. 

'Well...' Alex said. He scrambled about for something to say. 'If-'

'And there's not that many jobs you can take, with not being able to read,' Mayor Lewis said. 

Right. Fuck. 

'I can read, Sir,' Alex said. 

Mayor Lewis' face twisted with a kind of sympathy, and Alex kept his face carefully blank. He could fucking read, it just hurt to do. That was all. It hurt to do, and the words didn't behave like they were supposed to. Haley told him words weren't supposed to move, and Alex was pretty sure his dad had hit him too many times in the head, or something stupid like that. He could read. He just avoided it when he could. It was amazing how much life he could still live without reading all the time, and how much life slipped by, when he hardly did it. 

'Cleaning doesn't need any reading at all,' Alex said, though it wasn’t strictly true. 'And I'll be making so much more money, maybe I can give more back to Pelican Town that way. But I really can't do the delivery job anymore.'

'Alex, you can't be telling me that you're not going to give me at least a week or two, so I can look for someone. It's a job hardly anyone wants to do, you understand.' 

'I'm sure if you paid them more, Sir, you'd find more people. And since... And since farmer Martingale is the main reason that job takes so long these days, maybe you could talk to him about that.' Alex's spark of anger turned into something brighter, though his heart raced, his cheeks burned. 'I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing a Mayor of a town is responsible for, and not someone like me, Sir. Who can't even read.'

Mayor Lewis was furious. Alex could see it in his eyes, in the shift of his moustache that meant he was pressing his lips together. In that moment, he wanted to show Mayor Lewis the dark red scar on his arm, that stretched almost all the way down to his wrist and curled up his bicep. He wanted to remind him where he'd gotten the injury that had forced this whole change of plans. If he'd never done the delivery job, none of this ever would've happened. 

His mom would tell him to be grateful. Haley would tell him he deserved better. 

He kept thinking of the way Sebastian called Mayor Lewis a 'rat bastard' with pure, vehement confidence.

He thought of Marnie, lonely and saving herself for the day Mayor Lewis committed to her officially, which he'd never do. 

But all through him was the years of experience that told him to hide from an older guy who was this mad at him, and he felt dizzy with the force of not caving in to that anger. 

'So,' Alex said, clearing his throat a few times. 'Thanks so much for the opportunity, Mayor Lewis. I really appreciate it, especially through everything with Grandma and Grandpa. I hope you find someone soon. I'll be seeing you around.'

Mayor Lewis said nothing, just glared at him, and Alex backed down the step - nearly tripped - and then turned and walked around the fence-line back home. He felt frozen once he closed the door behind him, and he stood there, shaking, every breath cold and desperate in his mouth. 

It's fine, he told himself. It's fine. 

None of it felt fine.

*

On Wednesday, Alex turned up at Sebastian's at 9:00pm, still shaken after his meeting with Mayor Lewis. He hadn't told Haley about it, because he didn't think he could handle her reassurances, he didn't feel worthy of them. 

Sebastian let him in with nothing more than small talk, then awkwardly stood there for a second, obviously wanting to get back to work. Alex saved him the trouble and pointed down to the laundry and then headed in that direction, listening to Sebastian sitting back at his computer. The sound of typing followed. 

Alex stood in the laundry and sighed. The house was clean by Alex's standards, but there were bits of sand on the tiles and the floorboards, because even with a decent rocky ridge and some forest separating Sebastian's house from the quarry, the sand blew in with the easterly winds. As Alex swept the decking out the back, he looked towards the frog pond wondering if Sebastian ever saw it during the day. 

It didn't take nearly as long to clean everything. Alex knew where everything was, and he didn't need to do as much. By the time he was done, it hadn't even been a full two hours, even with the size of Sebastian's house and how long it took to vacuum everything thoroughly. 

When he came back down the hall, he was surprised to see Sebastian in the process of making sandwiches again. He had two plates out, and...maybe he was having a guest over?

At 11pm?

'Um,' Alex said. 'If that's for me, you don't have to. I'm good, you know.'

'Humour me,' Sebastian said, not for the first time. He turned and smiled. 'It's taking me a while to get used to this.'

'If you'd prefer like...someone you didn't know, I can always...' Alex didn't know exactly what he'd do. He'd find something else he was sure, but if Mayor Lewis heard he was unemployed, he was going to turn up on Alex's doorstep and lean on him. 

'No, it's not that,' Sebastian said. 'Do you like iced tea?'

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'Haven't had it in ages. What kind is it?' 

'Apple and pomegranate. They're in season, so I decided to make a batch. Mom used to make it all the time, and I had some at hers the last time I went over, and I realised I can just make it myself now.' 

'Do you see her a lot? You live really close.' 

'I'm not over there as much as most people seem to think I am,' Sebastian said. He gestured for Alex to sit at the table and brought over two plates and the glasses of iced tea. 'Hey, is everything okay today?'

'What?' 

'You just seem... I mean I don't really know your moods or anything, but you seem flat today. Unhappy. I noticed when you came in.'

Alex thought back to his behaviour before but couldn't see anything that different about it, except that he didn't say as much. Alex had a sip of the iced tea to buy some time, then stared at the glass of pink-red liquid, because it was really fucking good. He had a bigger drink from the glass and ignored the little smile on Sebastian's face. 

'It's nothing,' Alex said, setting the glass down. 'Just stupid stuff.'

'You can tell me, if you want.'

Why? So you can tell Sam and Abigail? 

Alex clenched down hard on that part of himself. But he was suspicious, even though a part of him wanted to tell someone about it. Haley would be super nice to him, but maybe Sebastian would be more realistic? Alex didn't know. He was so out of practice, talking to people. Even when his grandparents had been alive, there was so much he could never talk to them about. He never told them how bad his dad used to get, because they were already so upset that Alex's mom - their daughter - had passed away. He never told them about the things people said to him at school and he sure as shit never told them that he fell for Sebastian. He was a goddamn vault. 

'You are quiet today,' Sebastian said, like he was realising freshly all over again. He leaned back in his chair and considered Alex, and Alex pretended he was too stupid to notice, and ate the sandwich - chicken and salad today, it was really good. 'Is it all that noise you were talking about last time?'

It was strange to have details of his life remembered by someone like Sebastian. It felt dangerous and thrilling. 

'I kind of realised that maybe like... I didn't want to keep doing delivery,' Alex said, clearing his throat. 'So I talked to Mayor Lewis about it. He just- It just didn't go great. He's so fucking mad.'

'Serves him right,' Sebastian muttered, then hesitated. 'What's it like when he gets really mad? I just remember him going at Sam for littering when we were kids. He could be really passive aggressive when he wanted to be.'

'Yeah,' Alex said. He didn't know exactly what that meant, but it sounded right. 

'What kind of stuff did he say?' 

Alex looked around the kitchen. Didn't Sebastian have to get back to work? Wouldn't he rather spend his lunch break - or whatever this was - doing something else? Alex caught the way Sebastian watched him and flushed. Maybe it was easier when Sebastian was saying insulting crap to him without thinking things through, because it was more intimidating when he was trying to figure shit out. 

'You really want to know?' Alex said. 

Sebastian nodded, then shrugged. 

That would have to do.

'It wasn't much, honestly. He told me it's really hard being a Mayor and also picking up the slack with delivery too. Like, he was missing sleep and stuff, and he said he'd been hanging out for my arm to get better so he could sleep again.'

Sebastian's eyes narrowed, and Alex felt nervous, thinking that maybe Mayor Lewis hadn't gotten that angry at all. Alex knew he had a problem with older guys who held power, even Morris at Joja used to intimidate the crap out of him. He hoped he wasn't spinning some tale where Sebastian realised Alex was the punchline. That would be the worst.

'And then he said I could at the very least do deliveries until he found someone. And like, I could, right? But it's been...hard.' 

Alex swallowed and looked away. 

'I told him I couldn't. That I couldn't afford to. And Mayor Lewis said he only had so much in the community fund,' -At that, Sebastian scoffed, which gave Alex some strength to keep going- 'and I stupidly suggested maybe he could go to farmer Martingale, since you know, he's the one who actually makes the delivery pick-up the hardest, and Mayor Lewis just got really angry at me for taking Martingale for granted, and like, talked about how he was a real credit to his grandfather, and how I came from... what I came from, so it was the least I could do.'

'He what?' Sebastian said, standing abruptly. 

Alex flinched back, staring at him. Tense seconds followed, where Alex knew Sebastian was really mad and was panicking trying to think of a way to make it better, and Sebastian seemed to be frozen in something too, because eventually he came to some decision and sat down again. 

'Sorry,' Sebastian said. 

Why? 

Alex had to take a couple of breaths. He wasn't prepared for Sebastian's anger, not when it looked like that, and he stared fixedly at his plate and wondered if it was stupid, him coming here to clean like this. Wondered when he'd gone from being scared of his dad's anger, to being scared of everyone's anger. It hadn't happened all at once. He used to love it when Sebastian was mad at him in high school. 

'I can't believe he said that to you,’ Sebastian said. ‘Does he-? Does he always speak like that to you?' 

'Not really,' Alex said. 'I guess not. But when he wants something... It's the first time he's ever pointed out that like- Like he said I'd have a hard time finding another job, because I can't read.'

'You can read,' Sebastian said, sounding puzzled. 

Alex felt ridiculously grateful to hear someone else say it who wasn't Haley or his grandparents or his mom. 'Um. Yeah, sort of. It's- But it's hard for me. So I don't do it much. And Mayor Lewis must have heard something or learned something, and just... Anyway. In the end I told him that if he offered more gold, he'd get more people wanting the job, and that if he was having trouble finding the gold, maybe he should talk to farmer Martingale about it, because like...the pick-up is literally only a full-time job because of Martingale. It wouldn't even be a seven-day job if it wasn't for him.'

'Seven days?' Sebastian said. 

'Yeah.'

'You never got any time off?'

'No,' Alex said, frowning. 'You ever see farmer Martingale take any time off?'

Sebastian's eyebrows lifted as he thought that over, and then he picked up his forgotten sandwich and ate it in large bites. Alex always imagined Sebastian to be a really fussy, picky eater, but he liked this too. He'd liked the smell of Sebastian's aftershave in the bathroom as he cleaned it, and he'd liked neatening Sebastian's bed, and he'd liked mopping the floors to the sound of those intermittent bursts of typing down the hall. Even when he felt shitty, cleaning wasn't a hard job, and cleaning Sebastian's house was...nice. 

'Does Mayor Lewis really think you can't read?' Sebastian said suddenly. 

'Most of the town does.' 

'How do you know?' 

Alex laughed. 'It's little things. Like, honestly, a lot of it makes my life easier, so I don't say anything. But if there's a poster advertising the Spirit's Eve event in Pierre's, good old Pierre or Caroline will stop if they see me and read it out to me, so I know it's coming up. It’s not like the date ever changes. But they'll do that no matter who's in the store.' 

It was ironic, because giant text on a poster was way easier to read, so by the time they read it out to him, Alex already knew what was up anyway. 

'Don't you...have to be able to read in order to- With the delivery job, I saw those sheets that you were marking off.'

'Yeah, most of that's numbers, and numbers aren't as hard,' Alex said. 'Maths is pretty easy, right? Also I have like...the shape of words memorised too, diamonds always looks like diamonds even if the individual letters are moving around. After a while, I know what I'm looking at without having to really study it. If I’ve read it once, I’ll know the shape of it or…I don’t know how to explain it, but the worksheets I got used to.' 

Sebastian frowned, he drank half his tea, and then he flicked the glass a few times. It made a dull ringing sound. 

'Did you ever get tested for... learning issues?'

It came up a few times in primary school. But his dad insisted there was no point testing for what they already knew - that Alex was stupid as shit. His mom was hardly ever well enough to organise it, and even when she was, it cost money. Even the travel to the right testing centres was expensive. 

'There are tests for like dyslexia,' Sebastian said. 'Stuff like that. It wouldn't surprise me if you had it. I remember you having difficulty in class sometimes, but it was also super obvious you could read. But also like...even if you couldn't, Mayor Lewis shouldn't talk to you that way. That's like- Why'd he have to compare you to your dad like that?'

Alex told himself he wasn't angry, but he sure as shit felt something when he calmly said: 'You used to do it all the time.'

'Yeah, but you were...' Sebastian stared at him, and Alex stared back. 

'I was shitty,' Alex said, finishing the sentence for him. 

'Well, yes, but...' Sebastian frowned. 'Did I really do that all the time? I don't really remember.'

How fucking convenient for him because Alex had so much of it permanently stored away. He could never verbally spar at the level of Sebastian and even when he thought he'd said something cutting, something that would shut the kid up for once, Sebastian always, always got the last word. He always knew exactly what to say that would have Alex sitting in his room at night, sure he was a carbon copy of his father and loathing himself for it. 

'It's nothing,' Alex made himself say, clearing his throat when he heard the strain in his voice. 'It's just stuff people say. It's just words, right?'

Sebastian shifted suddenly, like he'd been about to move, and then he just placed his hand around his glass of iced tea and watched Alex for a long time. He seemed disturbed. Eventually Alex squirmed, looking away.

'What?' Alex said. 'Just take the out, man.' 

'Do you think we should maybe talk about that one day?'

'What?' Alex said, standing up and taking his glass and plate over to the counter. He was done. He so didn't want to be talking about this with Sebastian, or anyone at all, actually. 

'The- The stuff I used to say to you. Nothing's 'just words,' Alex.' 

'There's nothing to talk about,' Alex said, rinsing out the glass, putting it and the plate in the dishwasher. 'I used to treat you like shit, and sometimes you had stuff to say about it. So I'll see you in a few days, right?'

'You're leaving?'

'Thanks for lunch,' Alex said. 'You don't need to keep doing this. I know it's cutting into your work day.'

'I never said it was. Hang on a minute,' Sebastian said, standing, like he really couldn't believe Alex was opening the front door and walking out of it. 'Alex, will you fucking wait?' 

Alex froze. He turned, and Sebastian was walking towards him. Alex felt nervy and tense and his hand was still on the doorknob, clenching it tightly. 

'Your money,' Sebastian said, handing him a small pouch. 'Two hundred.'

'I didn't work for the full two hours,' Alex said. 

'I round up. That's normal for cleaning. Just take it.' 

Alex took it, and Sebastian looked like he wanted to say something else, and that was definitely Alex's cue to leave. 

'Thanks for lunch,' he said. It was close to midnight, but whatever, that's what lunch was these days. 'I'll see you in a few days.'

Sebastian listened this time and said nothing else. Alex didn't feel like he could breathe normally again until he was all the way past the Community Centre, and then he pressed his hands to his chest and sucked in a deep, taut breath. He once thought it might be nice if Sebastian realised how mean he could be, how mean he used to be, but as soon as they came close to the reality, Alex realised he couldn't handle it. He just couldn't handle it. 

He didn't want to talk about that time in his life with anyone.

Notes:

In our next chapter, A Basket Full of Cravings:

"'You can say hello,' Sebastian said. 'They don't bite. My other friends…David and Victoria, they're good people.'

'Sure,' Alex said. Why would he say hi? He was literally there to clean and vanish. He thought of the fact that Sam had told his mom, Jodi, about the cleaning job, and Jodi had told Haley in a way that was judgemental and shitty.

'Alex?' Sebastian said, a strange look in his dark eyes, looking black and endless. 'Are you scared of us?'"

*

I'm on Tumblr mostly reblogging writing memes and Pride stuff, and posting story excerpts from future chapters.

Chapter 14: A Basket Full of Cravings

Notes:

Note: Brief description of past wild animal death. Because Alex's Dad is, well, just Like That.

*

Y'all I have written up to chapter 18 on this story because I am OBSESSED

The next time Alex went to Sebastian's to clean, Sebastian handed him a key, and the blue-violet sword usually mounted on the wall was instead resting on the table where they ate sandwiches. 

'I'm going to be out today,' Sebastian said. 'Your money's on the counter. I don't think I'll be back before you finish.'

'Sure,' Alex said, fingers closing around the key. It was a nice colour, like brass, and it was cold in his palm. He felt a little lost because he'd assumed Sebastian would always be there while he cleaned.

Meanwhile, Sebastian had on badass scaled boots that looked like they were made from the hide of a dragon or something. He wore black pants and wore three different rings which looked like they carried some of that weird magic that no one in the Valley talked about often, even though a straight-up Wizard lived near Marnie and appeared at town events sometimes. They didn't look like rings Sebastian would wear for fashion. 

'I'm just going to the quarry mine today,' Sebastian said. 'But I want to visit Marlon before I go.'

'Are you a member of the Guild?' 

'Thinking about it,' Sebastian said, smiling as he stuffed small containers of food into a backpack. Alex remembered him saying food was the thing he needed most. Next to the sword on the table was a pickaxe that looked beaten to shit and still durable as anything, the grip stained from the natural oils and sweat in Sebastian’s palm, caused by at least months and months of use. Alex felt a strange thread of worry in amongst finding it all super cool, because people died in the mines, and they probably died in the quarry mine too. 

'Are you sure about the key?' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'After all, if you take anything, I know where you live.' 

Sebastian looked up and his smile was dark and confident, and Alex felt flustered and strange. He nodded and stood there awkwardly, and only a couple of minutes later Sebastian was sheathing his sword and putting his pickaxe in his backpack, where it stuck out and shone dully. Sebastian nodded to him once, then left Alex alone in his house. 

Alex realised as he cleaned the bathroom that he missed the presence of Sebastian and wondered what sort of shit he and Marlon talked about, what Sebastian looked like when he was swinging his sword in the quarry mine. What he imagined instead was Sebastian sitting and leaning against some cave wall, eating pasta with a metal fork, looking tired. The caves had never held the same appeal for Alex as they did for people like Abigail and farmer Martingale. It just seemed super fucking scary. 

His arm throbbed more than usual that day, and when he finished cleaning - done in under two hours once more - he counted through the gold left on the counter and took 200 because Sebastian said he rounded up. Alex didn't need the other 100 gold, he couldn't imagine ever needing to be here for three hours again. He locked the front door behind him, double checked it, and wondered if Sebastian was avoiding him because of how their conversation had gone last time. 

Alex was mad at himself on the cold walk home, rubbing his hands together and eventually speeding up into a slow jog to warm his body. He was obsessed with Sebastian, of course the guy wasn't avoiding him, he literally went monster hunting and did it because of farmer Martingale. 

Alex wondered if they ever saw each other in the mines at night, and wished he'd just stop fucking thinking about it.

*

What did people do with their spare time? Alex didn't know. He thought about asking Mayor Lewis for a key to the gym so he could go at night, but that thought lasted the whole three seconds it took to remember how fucking furious the Mayor was with him quitting the delivery job. Yeah, if Alex had spare time to go to the gym, then Mayor Lewis was going to tell him he definitely had spare time to do the stock pick-ups. Alex could even imagine him pointing out that loading all the goods into the truck was as good as bench-pressing or deadlifting or something. 

He couldn't exactly make Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George's house any cleaner. But he did an inspection around the outside for the weathered places in the wood where the mice and rats could get in, then decided he'd get to work on patching those. 

Maybe he could talk to Willy about learning to fish or something, but the idea of standing there waiting for fish to bite on the end of a fishing rod made him bored just thinking about it. Willy talked about how relaxing it was, which was kind of sweet, but it made Alex itchy watching Willy standing by the town river with his line sometimes. What did he think about? Was his mind a nice place to be? Did he recall nice memories? Alex didn't have many of those. Being stuck in his mind for a long time drove him up the wall. Alex had to be moving or sleeping, because standing still made him at best uncomfortable and at its worst, he felt tortured. 

*

Sebastian left for the mines again on Monday too, apologising and saying there was an influx of haunted skulls in the quarry mine. 

'Haunted skulls,' Alex said flatly. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, laughing. 'They suck. They have these like...glowing red eyes, and they swoop you, but they're harder to predict than bats. Also they shriek.'

'What?'

'They shriek, it's horrible.'

'That sounds really... Like I'm glad it's you and not me.'

'Meanwhile I'm glad I'm not the one that has to clean my house, so that works out well then, doesn't it?' 

Sebastian's smile was so easy, so light. His whole expression changed when he smiled. Normally Sebastian had what Haley called 'resting bitch face,' but now he looked...warm. Alex wanted to be graced with those smiles for the rest of his life. Awkwardly, he smiled back. 

Did it work out? Cleaning seemed really fucking easy and way less dangerous than...than haunted skulls. What the fuck? Was the monster thing that attacked him at farmer Martingale's just normal to Sebastian? Wild. 

When Sebastian left, Alex stood there for a minute, feeling like it was stupid to think the words: 'I'll miss you.' What a goddamned loser. He had to focus on what he had in front of him, not all the things he wanted that were impossibilities. But he did miss the sandwiches at the end of his shift, and he stayed up late enough to go to Pierre's first thing in the morning, and he got bread and chicken and salad and decided he'd make them for himself after he finished a shift next time. 

*

On Wednesday Sebastian wasn't even home. There was a note on the counter next to the money - Sebastian always left 300 gold, Alex only ever took 200 - which told him to help himself to some iced tea. Alex looked in the fridge and there was a half-full jug of it. 

That night he walked over to Sebastian’s frog pond and turned the torch on his phone and shone it over the water and the rushes and the other plants not expecting to see anything except plants and water. To his shock, he saw several pairs of bright, glowing lights, like tiny gemstones, the eyeshine of at least six frogs in the dark. 

'Aren't you guys cold?' Alex said, his breath misting as he spoke. 

The frogs stared back. The eyeshine was steady and golden, and when Alex stepped closer to get a better look, two disappeared with the sound of sudden plops into the water. So Alex turned off his torch and put his phone back in his pocket. He swept the decking and was secretly pleased because he'd never seen six frogs at the same time in his entire life. At most, when he was a kid, he'd only seen two side by side on a lily pad once. They were squat and green, frozen in place, and eventually he'd left them alone because if his dad saw the frogs, he'd kill them for food. 

Alex didn't know it at the time - how poor they were - but his dad would take rabbits and hares, frogs, anything that would feed them. Alex didn't have the stomach for it. 

Even these days, he didn't know if he could gut a fish. Willy made it all look so easy and said Alex would learn it in no time at all. He probably thought Alex was 'a man' in the same way his father was, someone who didn't hesitate when it came to killing animals. Some of Alex's memories left him feeling cold on the whole situation. 

His mom once found an injured white hare in the snow. Alex remembered her exclaiming that it was so cute, wondering where the nearest vet was - or if the local doctor at the time would maybe see an animal - and his dad laughing and saying: 

'We don't need a vet, you just need to make a good fucking gravy.'

He snapped its neck in front of them both, and Alex remembered the way his mom's hand tightened reflexively on his. But she'd made the gravy, and said nothing else, and if she ever saw rabbits or hares after that while his dad was around, she never said a word. Alex liked the taste of rabbit and hare – though hare was tougher and heavier in flavour – but he was soft like his mom. It was stupid, he knew it was stupid, but he would never forget the way his mom squeezed his hand and crunched his bones together, the way she had to like wild animals in secret after that, just in case. 

When he got home that night he built a fire, sick of the chill in the air, and then he sat in his Grandpa's armchair - dragging it nearer to the flames - and listened to the drone of the television and thought maybe he needed some hobbies or something. Around two in the morning he got up and looked out the window because he had a feeling, and he stared at the snow coming down in huge drifts. There it was. 

Now it was winter.

* 

On Saturday, Sebastian was home, but he wasn't at his computer when Alex arrived. He was watching television, sitting on the couch with Sam and Abigail, with a couple of other people Alex didn't recognise. He froze automatically, looking away, withdrawing eye contact so quickly he felt breathless. His instinct was to get the fuck out of there, but instead he closed the door behind him and walked straight to the laundry without saying a single word, his heart pounding. It was fear. He knew it was fear. He hated it. But Sam, Abigail and Sebastian had been a massive clique before high school, during high school, and ever since. There were only a certain amount of kids around the same age in Pelican Town and the surrounds, and Sebastian had pretty much gotten to be friends with every single one of them except Haley. Except Alex. 

For all that Sebastian talked about how Alex was the popular one, it just wasn't...ever true. Alex wasn't the nerdy one, but that wasn't the same thing as being popular, even though he wished it was. Even though he said it was. He wasn't going to anyone's house to play video games, or board games, or whatever the fuck they did. 

Alex had mistakenly assumed Sebastian wouldn't be there, and he'd hoped Sebastian would be there but working at his computer. This was harder. How was he supposed to vacuum out there? He couldn't interrupt them. 

He opened the cabinets and mindlessly pulled out the cleaning supplies, but he felt sick. 

He heard Abigail laugh from down the hall and shook his head because it was fine. This was fine. They were watching a movie and something funny had just happened.

For some reason he thought Sebastian would come down and say something, but he didn't. Of course he didn't, Alex was there as a cleaner and that was it. 

So Alex got to work and felt jittery and wrong, and then overheated, because warming a house enough to be comfortable while watching a movie in winter meant being too damned hot to clean a house from top to bottom. It was better in the bathroom at least. 

He was buffing up the chrome taps when he heard a faint knock at the bathroom door. He flinched hugely, not expecting it, looking up with wide eyes to see Sebastian standing there. 

'Oh, sorry, do you need to use the bathroom?' Alex said. 'I'll just-'

'It's not that,' Sebastian said. 

'Okay. Cool. Um, I can leave the- I can do the vacuuming at the front on Monday, if you want. It's- It's clean enough. I know you like it... I mean I know you like it clean, or cleaner than most, but if you just wanted to- I'm also fine to do it, if you want, I just thought you wouldn't want the distraction.'

Sebastian looked at him oddly. 

'What?' Alex said, feeling like he'd been put on the spot. 

'I just...wanted to see how things were going. I thought I'd come back early enough to catch you on Wednesday, but I must have missed you by like twenty minutes.'

'Oh. Sure. I'm good. Everything's good.' 

'Okay,' Sebastian said, like he wasn't sure. Alex frowned and stared at the taps. They were really fucking shiny. He loved chrome. When it was treated right, it looked so good. 

'Well,' Alex said, stalling, 'I mean everything's really great. I'm getting paid the most I've ever been paid in my entire life. And I have...free time again.' 

'That's good,' Sebastian said. 

Yoba fucking save me from awkward conversations, I'd rather fucking die. 

He didn't believe in Yoba, but he'd put a little Sign of the Vessel in his room if it meant he didn't have to try and think of how to talk to Sebastian, because it wasn't easy. 

'Um, if you ever want me to come later,' Alex said, 'you can always text me.'

'It's fine.'

A flicker of anger then. Of course it was fine. It wasn't fucking awkward for Sebastian to have the school bully here cleaning his house while all his friends knew about it. Sam, who had ripped into Alex for being a talentless sports-playing loser, because Sam could play sports too and he was pretty good at it, because Sam played the guitar and knew how to skateboard, and actually was pretty cool at school, the class clown everyone loved. Abigail, who was good at giving Alex looks that let him know just what she thought of him. She wasn't actively mean like the others, but she had a way of looking him up and down and then rolling her eyes and flicking her purple hair back over her shoulder. Sebastian had other friends too, people from beyond Pelican Town, people who drove some distance just to come see him and his fancy house with its fancy chrome taps. 

Of course it was fine for Sebastian. His school bully was cleaning his house while they all watched television. The only one who had a problem with it was Alex. 

Stupid.

'You okay?' Sebastian said. 

'Sure, why wouldn't I be?' That almost sounded calm, like Alex really didn't mind. 

Sebastian's eyes narrowed in suspicion, and Alex placed a hand on the counter to brace himself and wondered if Sebastian had planned this. Maybe this moment was the punchline? Maybe Alex was missing something. Because Sebastian didn't seem like the kind of person to forget when Alex was coming. Or maybe he was. Maybe he was so used to not checking in with his cleaners once he knew they could do the work, that he stopped thinking about them. That would be preferrable to the idea that maybe Sebastian wanted Alex to clean in front of the people he used to bully. 

'Um, so, if you let me know what you want...when it comes to the front of the house and cleaning and stuff. Mopping's pretty quiet. I can stay out of the lounge.' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'No vacuuming, leave the lounge until Monday. Everything else is fine.' 

It meant standing in that fancy room where Sebastian had display cabinets and his giant table for tabletop gaming which looked over the lounge with its comfortable expensive couches, and its giant fucking television that put the rest in the Valley to absolute shame. It meant working where Abigail and Sam and Sebastian and those other people could turn around and look at him. 

It was fine. Alex was good at blocking shit out. He'd just do that. He had to get used to it, this might become normal. Of course Sebastian would want to have friends over on a Saturday night. 

'Sure,' Alex said. 

'You can say hello,' Sebastian said. 'They don't bite. My other friends…David and Victoria, they're good people.' 

'Sure,' Alex said. Why would he say hi? He was literally there to clean and vanish. He thought of the fact that Sam had told his mom, Jodi, about the cleaning job, and Jodi had told Haley in a way that was judgemental and shitty. 

'Alex?' Sebastian said, a strange look in his dark eyes, looking black and endless. 'Are you scared of us?' 

If it was earlier in their lives - maybe after Sebastian’s divorce but before he left the Valley for Zuzu - Alex would've said something like: 'Who'd be scared of a bunch of fucking nerd losers like you guys?' 

But Alex hadn't been that guy for such a long time now. The defensiveness still came, the anger, the fear, but it swirled in him like sediment and muck. Like the shit he saw in the mop bucket before he poured it down the drain, opaque murky bullshit that would never be clean again. Dusty was gone, and Alex was ashamed of how rarely he thought about his dog these days. His grandparents were gone. Sebastian had friends, family, this house, money, a job he liked, so many hobbies that Alex didn't even know what all of them were. 

And worse, Sebastian seemed kind of incredulous. There was a light in his eyes like maybe it amused him that Alex was scared. 

'Alex?' 

Why would I be scared of you?

'Just don't want to get in the way, is all,' Alex said finally, fingers curling on the counter, before he shoved his hand into his pocket. He was sweating. It was going to feel wretched walking home after sweating like this. The kind of weather where the cold would feel nice at first, and then shivery and wrong. 

Sebastian considered him for some time, and Alex wondered if he should just get back to cleaning again. 

'Well...' Sebastian said. 'Okay then. Feel free to make yourself a coffee or something if you want it.' 

Alex nodded, and Sebastian left, and Alex bent down and pressed his forehead to the counter and realised then that his hands were shaking. Fucking hell. Fucking hell. And he'd have to clean while they were right there.

It was fine. This was fine. He could handle it. 

It was fine. 

Notes:

In our next chapter - 'Lost Beyond the Telescope':

"'I just don't think it's fair that you implied you were an option,' Sebastian said. 'Like, he was shocked when I told him you were the straightest guy to ever come out of the Valley. But apparently you told him you just weren't looking right now?'

 

The straightest guy to ever come out of the Valley...

 

Alex could've laughed. So straight. So super straight that he was jerking off to the guy standing in front of him back in his teens.

'I didn't mean to lead him on,' Alex said.

'You're driving me crazy, Alex, I don't know how to have an actual conversation with you. I know I'm not a person who can really throw stones about this kind of thing, Wentworth made it clear I'm not the best communicator either, which is really saying something. But you're like a brick wall. I mean, you are straight, right?'

Oh shit.

Sebastian wasn't supposed to just ask like that. Those words were never even meant to be in Sebastian's mouth. And Sebastian's expression was changing, like he was answering his own question, and Alex couldn't handle that either. For too long, Alex's mind was empty. He knew the correct response was to lie smoothly, the wrong response was to sit in silence because he knew that was its own answer. Damn it.

'I don't really see how it's any of your business,' Alex forced himself to say, while Sebastian stared a hole into him."

*

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN (It's ALL kicking off in the next chapter O.O)

Oh you know I've already posted excerpts to future chapters over on my Tumblr and talked a WHOLE bunch of meta about this story sldkajfsa

Chapter 15: Lost Beyond the Telescope

Notes:

*screams into a paper bag while hyperventilating because I'm so excited about posting this chapter*

Alex was torn between putting off cleaning the front of the house for as long as possible or getting it over and done with. In the end he chose the latter because it really didn't take that long to finish Sebastian's bathroom, or the guest bathroom and guest bedrooms. He walked down and did the kitchen first, listening to the movie in the background, which sounded like a comedy horror from the gross sounds and the screams and the way Abigail and some of the others would laugh. 

He walked into the room with its large table, trying to be quiet, but it was impossible to be truly silent while setting down a bucket of water. The bucket had wheels, and normally he wheeled it through the house with the mop handle, but today he'd been lifting it and putting it down again. Trying to be this quiet reminded him of when he was a kid, and his mom was wiped out because his dad had savaged her the night before. He'd try doing things around the house that she normally did, but he learned quickly that she often had headaches when his dad hit her in the side of the head, and the noise made her angry and then upset at herself for being angry. 

When he started bench pressing as a teenager, it reminded him of the strength he'd needed in his arms to lift a bucket of mop water and set it down again, picking it up and moving it a little further in the house each time. 

At one point while cleaning he looked up to see Abigail staring at him. She had twisted in her seat on the couch. She didn't say hi, or smile, or anything. She just...watched. Alex wished fervently that he could fucking disappear. But instead he stood there with a mop in his hand and then looked down at what he was doing. He looked up again, and she was still watching him. 

He forced himself to concentrate on what he was doing, and when he looked up again the next time, after mopping a section of the floorboards, she was watching the TV again. He went back to focusing on his job. He had to be careful of how much water he used. Floorboards hated too much water, so the mop had to be damp, not soaking, which meant a lot of forcing the water out of the mop over and over again with the bucket, and having to re-soak it often because a damp mop didn't cover as much ground. It was tedious work, and the hardest thing he did at Sebastian's each time. It also meant he had to stay in the room longer than he wanted to. 

He was glad he didn't have to mop in front of them. He'd get in the way of the TV and then they'd all fucking stare. 

He went back into the kitchen once he was done and wiped down the countertop, looking up when the guy he'd never met before - David - walked in and opened the fridge, taking out a can of Joja Cola. He turned and considered Alex. He was tall, hot too, he looked like someone who worked out. He had blond hair, more golden than Sam's, or even Haley's. 

'Hey,' the guy said. 'I'm David.'

Alex almost said: I'm the cleaner. 

'Alex,' he said. 

'Yeah,' David said. 'Seb says you used to go to school together.'

Alex kept his face blank. He doubted that was all Sebastian had said. And Seb? Who the fuck called him that? Sebastian hated that in school. 'Yeah, we did.' 

'You're hotter than I thought you'd be, for some reason.' 

Alex's mind went blank. A guy praising him on his looks had literally never happened before. Haley sometimes called him a catch and that was it. And what the fuck did 'hotter than I thought you'd be' mean? 

'...Thanks,' Alex said.

David smiled, his teeth all perfect. He kind of looked like a jock, which was almost funny in its own way. Alex had assumed David and Victoria were together, but now he didn't know, and he wondered if this was someone Sebastian was interested in. Maybe even dating. But if they were dating, would David still call Alex hot? Alex didn't know how any of that shit worked. 

'Do you lift?' David said, opening the cola and sipping it. 

'Not anymore,' Alex said. 'I mean a little, but not like I used to.' 

'Nice,' he said. 'I injured my shoulder badly last year and was on like resistance bands for ages. I miss benching but have to be really careful now. I have a personal trainer who says it'll come good - the shoulder - but it's taking forever.' 

Alex nodded. David pointed at the scar on Alex's arm. 'That ever give you any trouble?'

'Not really. I've been lucky though. Shoulder injuries are the worst. The trainer... Does he have you doing rotator cuff exercises?'

'Yeah,' David said, smiling. 'A whole bunch. I didn't see the point at first, but they've helped a lot. Might even be able to avoid surgery in the long-term.' 

'Here's hoping.' 

'You single?' 

Alex's mind went blank. In the background, Abigail was laughing at the TV, talking about how gory something was. Sebastian was talking quietly to Sam or Victoria. Alex felt isolated and crowded at the same time. 

'Single?' Alex said. 'Yeah. I've been single forever.'

Now why the fuck would you say that, you absolute fucking loser? 

Alex forced himself to laugh at the same time David did. 

'I get it,' David said. 'It sure feels that way sometimes. It must be hard in country towns too, hey, everyone knowing everyone.' 

Alex felt like he was in a twilight zone. Like he'd downed a whole mugful of one of the Wizard's potions that folks said he was always working on. Did David think he was gay? No one in Alex's whole life had ever thought he was gay, except probably Haley who had picked up enough clues, and Alex was going to ignore that for as long as possible because denial really was a pretty comfortable place that one could spend many years existing within. But this guy who'd never met him before, he'd clocked Alex as gay? And Alex's first instinct was to deny it and laugh, but he didn't, because, well...he was gay. 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'Something like that.'

'Sure,' David said. 'You are hot though. I hope you don't mind me saying. I know some people find it gross, but I've always been pretty forward.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'It's not gross.' 

It's fucking weird. 

'Sebastian's single,' Alex said.

He'd never been so grateful for the TV in the background, drowning his voice out. And what the absolute ever-loving mother-of-fuck was he doing, trying to hook a hot guy up with Sebastian? What was he doing? He might as well get a rifle and shoot himself in the foot or something. It'd be about as useful. 

'That's cute,' David said, grinning. 'Nah, we're not like that. We tried once, in Zuzu, but he's not my type. And I'm not really his either. You know how it is, bit of a mismatch in the bedroom. He's a good friend though. And it's great to be able to come out to the country like this. Couldn't believe the size of that mountain lake when I saw it. It's huge.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'It's pretty cool.'

The relief he felt was profound. David had definitely clocked him as gay though, and Alex was just...going to say nothing. Plausible deniability or something. No one had ever spoken to him like this before, like he was a person who was gay and it was fine, and they were just talking. No one had ever been interested in him before who wasn’t a girl. And David wasn't his type - because Alex's type was literally sitting in the other room - but he was attractive. Anyone would find him attractive. 

'Sebastian said you used to be like...really mean once, but you're good now.'

'I guess,' Alex said. 

'Not really mean,' David said, backtracking, 'just...you know what high school's like.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 

'You don't talk much, do you?'

'I've heard that before,' Alex said, smiling. 'And yeah, prefer to listen to other people, they usually have more to say. I'm pretty simple.' 

'Yeah?' David said, taking a step forwards. 'Someone who prefers to communicate in other ways?'

Wait, were they flirting? Was this flirting? Alex's hand clenched on the mop handle. 

'Oh, I'm...working,' Alex said stupidly. 'I have to- I'm finishing up.'

'Can I get your number?' 

Wow. 

'I'm- I'm not really... I'm...' Fucking think of something for fuck's sake. The thing he should've said was that he was straight, but he couldn't make himself lie, not in that moment, he would've choked on it. 'I'm just not really looking right now, I'm sorry.' 

'Nah, you don't need to be sorry,' David said. 'It's cool. We're all going through something, right? After all, you've got to have some kind of story to have gone from where you were in high school to where you are now. I get it.'

Alex felt himself nod, and David went back into the lounge with his Joja Cola. Alex focused on his breathing for a few seconds, then went back down to the laundry. He tipped out the dirty water into the laundry sink and rinsed the mop, then slowly put away the cleaning products he'd used. It was obvious what David thought about cleaners, but the worst part was Alex felt that way about himself. He’d felt that way about himself long before he'd ever become a cleaner, he'd even felt that way about himself long before he'd ever been a jock. 

David had seen it in seconds. 

Alex put everything away and took 100 gold off the counter because he didn't feel like he could take 200 if he didn't clean the whole house. He closed the door behind him without saying a word to anyone, and if Sebastian noticed him leaving, Alex didn't know, and he didn't want to know. 

*

Having more time was a real pain in the ass, actually. Back when he hadn't been on a night schedule, he would've gone down to the beach, or spent time walking to the gym and back again. What was he meant to do now? He worked out more, moving most of his equipment into the lounge, shifting the television so it was against one of the walls instead of the middle of the room. He pushed back the big couch that Grandpa George and Grandma Evelyn used to sit in and used the armchair for himself. 

He kept thinking about David flirting with him, all the hints he'd dropped, the weird things he'd said, the way it was evident Sebastian had talked about him at least once. 

Alex did lateral raises with barbells until his arms shook, he did push-ups until he nearly broke his own nose when one of his arms went from beneath him. He stood in the shower and thought about the hot water bill and missed the days when he didn't have to think about every minute of water costing him more, and more, and more, while Mayor Lewis told him he didn't give enough back to the town.

*

Late on Saturday – when Alex was thinking about going to bed early, maybe even adjusting his schedule so he could experience more daylight – a knock came at the door. 

Alex opened the door and stepped back so he wasn’t blocking the entrance when he saw Sebastian. Sebastian walked into the house, wearing a thick black coat, a black scarf, cream gloves that looked really nice, and Alex was wearing his old jeans that had holes in them and torn cuffs, and a knitted Winter Star jumper. It was snowing out, and Sebastian made a beeline to the fireplace in the lounge, standing in front of it. 

Alex closed the front door and followed, he waited as Sebastian looked around at all the gym equipment. Alex didn't think it smelled too badly in here, he aired the house out when it wasn't snowing, he kept everything clean, but still...he worried. 

'Do you want a drink or something?' 

'No, I'm good,' Sebastian said. 

'Okay.' 

'You're not going to ask me why I'm here?'

'I figured you'd probably tell me at some point,' Alex said. 

Sebastian looked unimpressed with the answer. But Alex was tired, and it was technically his day off - or night off - and he'd spent his time doing almost nothing. If he could work out non-stop, he would. But his muscles needed the semblance of a rest day, much to his frustration. 

'I'm...sorry about Saturday,' Sebastian said. 'Also you didn't take the full 200 gold.' 

'I didn't clean the whole house,' Alex said. 

'Yeah, but...' 

'I didn't clean the whole house,' Alex insisted stubbornly. 

'Your work ethic is terrifying,' Sebastian said, rubbing his hands together inside of his gloves, turning to hold them towards the fire. 'On nights when I have people over, you don't have to clean the whole house. I still expect you to take at least 200 gold. I know you're not used to getting fair pay or anything like that, but it's like...not your decision. I don't care if you throw the gold away afterwards, or give it to someone else, or put it into Mayor Lewis' Fund for Incompetent Dicks, or whatever you want to do with it, you take at least 200 gold after you clean my house, okay?' 

'Whatever.' 

Sebastian didn't look happy about it, and he also wasn't leaving. Alex sat down in the armchair, which put him a little closer to Sebastian because the armchair was near the fire. 

'Um, David kind of said he hit on you.' 

Right. That's why Sebastian was here. 

'I guess,' Alex said. 

'Having a conversation with you is like pulling teeth,' Sebastian said. 'I thought I was bad but compared to you I'm downright loquacious.' 

Alex didn't know what that meant, and he wasn't going to ask, either. He figured it meant someone who wouldn't shut the fuck up. 

'Look, uh. I'm sorry about that,’ Sebastian said. ‘I didn't know David was going to do that. I didn't even know he'd- I don't know.'

'It's fine,' Alex said. 'David's fine. We talked about weights a bit and his shoulder injury and then he went back into the lounge.'

'I thought that was why you left,' Sebastian said. 

'I left because I was done. And my job is to clean your house.'

'Yes, but...' Sebastian unwound his scarf and folded it, draping it over his forearm. 'I guess I was just- Like I didn't know if you'd say hi to us, because maybe you'd think you were better than all of us, or because- What?'

Alex had scoffed without meaning to, and Sebastian was glaring at him like he wanted an argument. Alex couldn't think of anything he wanted less. 

'Nothing,' Alex said. 'I just don't think that way.' 

'It's just that-'

'-I'm cleaning your house, Sebastian. I don't think I'm better than any of you.'

Sebastian fell silent, and Alex wondered if that's what he'd assumed all this time, that Alex still thought he was better than anyone in the town. Alex could kind of see it, because he leaned into his arrogance as a teenager, because he'd sold the idea he was hot shit to anyone who would listen. Because he put Sebastian down, because Sebastian put him down. But they were grown-ass adults. Alex had nearly died because of some monster on farmer Martingale's farm, and Sebastian could kill monsters like that. Alex couldn't even afford the kind of funeral his grandparents deserved without help. 

So maybe Sebastian was here to feel better about himself or something. 

'You didn't tell David you were straight,' Sebastian said. 

Alex was so, so good at this. So good at keeping his face unchanging. So good at looking like Sebastian was doing nothing more than reading out a shopping list. 

'Didn't I?' Alex said. 'Huh. Guess not.'

'I would've thought that if a guy hit on you, you'd punch him or tell him you were straight or disgusted or...something.' 

'Sure, I can see that,' Alex said. 

'But you didn't do any of those things.'

'Nope.' 

Sebastian looked angry. And Alex was maybe, maybe enjoying baiting Sebastian like this. Sebastian had a way of saying statements instead of questions and expecting answers. Alex enjoyed pretending he couldn’t tell what Sebastian wanted. It was way better than focusing on the fact that Sebastian was talking about Alex being straight, and Alex didn't know if he could lie about it anymore. He could let people assume, but when he talked to David, he realised lying was out.

'I just don't think it's fair that you implied you were an option,' Sebastian said. 'Like, he was shocked when I told him you were the straightest guy to ever come out of the Valley. But apparently you told him you just weren't looking right now?' 

The straightest guy to ever come out of the Valley...

Alex could've laughed. So straight. So super straight that he’d been jerking off while imagining the guy standing in front of him back in his teens. 

'I didn't mean to lead him on,' Alex said. 

'You're driving me crazy, Alex, I don't know how to have an actual conversation with you. I know I'm not a person who can really throw stones about this kind of thing, Wentworth made it clear I'm not the best communicator either, which is really saying something. But you're like a brick wall. I mean, you are straight, right?' 

Oh shit. 

Sebastian wasn't supposed to just ask like that. Those words were never even meant to be in Sebastian's mouth. And Sebastian's expression was changing, like he was answering his own question, and Alex couldn't handle that either. For too long, Alex's mind was empty. He knew the correct response was to lie smoothly, the wrong response was to sit in silence because he knew that was its own answer. Damn it. 

'I don't really see how it's any of your business,' Alex forced himself to say, while Sebastian stared a hole into him. 

Sebastian laughed in disbelief, and then yanked his gloves off, like he'd suddenly realised he was too hot. Alex's heart was pounding, absolutely going, and he felt like he'd be sick, even though his position in the armchair made him look calm as anything. He needed Sebastian to not ever realise. He'd even gone out of his way and lied to the guy multiple times, so many fucking times, even been homophobic to make a point, because it was the easiest way to shove Sebastian away from finding out.

But ever since that conversation with David, he'd realised he could be seen as gay, and a guy would just talk to him. About weights and lifting even.

'You can't give me a yes or no answer?' Sebastian said. And then: 'I mean- It's just...' 

A long silence. 

'...You told me you'd never gotten with Haley,' Sebastian said then, the tone of his voice moving from irritation to something else. 

'Go home, Sebastian.' 

I want you so fucking much. 

Even now. Even when Alex wanted to scream, and was pissed, and felt cornered and terrified. He'd rather feel all those things if it meant Sebastian would be in his grandparent’s house. Alex liked watching his face, his expressions, the way he impatiently tugged his gloves off, the way he then laid them on top of each other and placed them just so on top of the scarf folded over his forearm. 

'I mean you can't be gay,' Sebastian said. 

'Okay.' 

'Alex, for fuck's sake.' 

A different kind of fear threading up along the terror of someone in Stardew Valley realising he was gay. Alex didn't want to be yelled at, and finally he stood. 'I think you should leave.'

He had to force his voice out, he hated that he didn't sound normal. But he hated yelling. He hated it so much. 

'You seem like someone who's really used to getting his own way,' Alex said quietly, walking to the front door. 'I know you make a lot of money now and can pay for a lot of things to go the way you want them to. That's cool. But it's late, I have work Monday, and...' Just say it. Just fucking say it. 'I don't like... I don't like being yelled at. I get you're mad. Anyone can see you're mad. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for leading David on. I don't really know how to do stuff like that. I thought if I told him I wasn't looking, that meant he'd stop thinking it was a possibility. I even told him you were single, so it wasn't like I was... Whatever.'

He opened the front door, and the smell of the snow was a cold itch in the back of his nose. Alex reached up and rubbed at it, hand on the front doorknob, and stared down at the floor. 

'Does Haley know?' Sebastian said, after he took thirty seconds to stand by the fireplace like he couldn't believe Alex was shutting him down. Then he walked closer, until finally he was standing by Alex’s side.

The right response was 'Know what?' or 'There's nothing to know.' That was the right response. 

What Alex said was: 'Probably.' 

'Probably?' 

A long silence where Alex refused to look up. He hoped Sebastian didn't notice his hand on the doorknob, because Alex was holding it tight enough to know his knuckles were turning white. 

'Does anyone know? Like...properly know?' Sebastian said, sounding like he wanted to laugh again, but he didn't seem amused at all. He sounded...like he felt a bit sick, maybe. 

Alex looked up at him, and this close he could see a glint of green in Sebastian's eyes. 'It's not really anyone's business,' Alex said. 

'Not your grandparents,' Sebastian said finally, slowly, and now he looked upset. Alex felt a twinge of sympathy up against his fear. Because Sebastian wasn't yelling at him anymore, and he seemed maybe concerned. 

'Never them,' Alex said, with a wry smile. 

Sebastian dropped his gloves, then bent down and picked them up, pulling them on absently, realising he was putting them on the wrong hands. He swore under his breath. 

'So I'm the only one,’ Sebastian said, ‘and probably Haley.' 

'Technically even you don't know,' Alex said. 'I haven't told you dick.'

'Yoba's ass...' Sebastian said under his breath. 'You really want me to leave?' 

Alex thought standing there by the front door with his hand on the doorknob, freezing his nuts off, was enough of an answer. But maybe not. 'Why would you stay?' 

'Because you- Because... Don't you think it's something we should talk about? It's hard to be... It's hard, in a small town, Alex.' 

'Is it?' Alex said blandly. 'I'd never noticed.' 

Sebastian scowled at him. 'You drive me crazy, I swear. I'm trying to have a conversation.' 

Alex loved him, but he didn't fucking trust him. 

'You haven't even told Haley...' Sebastian said then, almost to himself. His gaze went distant. 'Shit.' 

'Anyway, I'll be at work Monday. So...have a safe walk home.' 

'How long have you known? I can't believe we're talking about this. Is it a joke? Is this some kind of joke?'

'Bye, Sebastian.' Alex thought it was a joke, but Sebastian hadn't realised that he wasn't the punchline yet. He didn't want Sebastian to stick around and realise how darkly hilarious all of this was, in its own way. 

'It's a joke, right?'

'Yeah. Ha-ha. Nice one, Alex. Good night, Sebastian.' 

Sebastian walked to the threshold and stood there like he couldn't believe someone was kicking him out. 'It's not a joke, is it?' 

Alex reached up to shove him out of the house, then thought the better of it, clenching his sore, freezing fingers and thrusting them into his pocket. 'Just treat it like one more thing you can laugh at me about. But please go home. I'm tired.'

With that, Alex pushed the door shut, forcing Sebastian to step backwards to get out of the way. Alex locked the door, made himself to walk back into the lounge, and stood exactly where Sebastian had in front of the fireplace. 

He hoped Sebastian had already started walking home when Alex's eyes began to burn and the tears fell, a few minutes later.

Notes:

In our next chapter (which doesn't have a title yet but is completed):

"'Is it a joke? Or not?' Sebastian said.

Alex's breathing picked up, because Sebastian was so close to him, and Alex was having a host of responses and amongst the panic he was pretty sure his dick was doing something it fucking shouldn't be doing at all. Alex pressed back into the wall, and needed this to be over and done with so he could get the fuck out of there.

'No,' Alex said. 'It's not.'

'So you're gay? Or bi maybe?'

'I'm not into chicks. I mean girls. I mean women. I'm not into women,' Alex said, hoping he didn't sound as breathless as he felt.

'So you're into men?'

Alex gulped. 'You don't have to stand this close, you know. You're an asshole.'"

*

You ever just push a guy against a wall to make him talk to you honestly for once in a completely anime kind of way? Sebastian's watched an awful lot of anime, y'know.

Come talk to me on Tumblr, where known TERF Eblon Mog isn't limiting posts and shit, and I'm talking about stuff (this may or may not be an incentive for you, but if you want to ask me questions about Sebastian pushing Alex up against a wall and Alex getting hard about it you totally can)

Chapter 16: Future Never Planned on Getting Easier

Notes:

Me double checking that I added the dubious consent tag before writing this chapter, even though I could've added it later. Anyway. Dubious consent.

*rubs hands together evilly* I mean it's minor dubious consent but it's still there you'll see what I mean! Also holy shit y'all caME THROUGH on comments on the last chapter, you're all so great holy wow

Alex stared numbly at the small moth fluttering around his lamp. It was the middle of the night, so technically lunchtime for him, and he was still in bed. The house was too cold, he hadn't made a fire fresh for the day, frigidity seeped into the wood and air, coating every bare part of Alex's face, making his scalp feel chilly. It was tempting to put his head beneath the blankets, but the moth was fascinating. Little and brown. Probably one of those moths that ate fabric or some shit, which seemed fake, but Grandma Evelyn convinced him they were real. Did he need mothballs now? Was that the kind of thing he had to worry about?

Better to worry about that than the conversation he'd had with Sebastian the night before.

Did the whole town know? Did Sebastian immediately text Sam and Abigail, Victoria and - fucking hell - David? Alex felt a horrible mean stone in his stomach, and he curled his knees up to it and thought about getting out of bed to put on another pair of socks. His back ached from staying in bed for so long in the same position, and he felt like he was breaking all the rules. But Grandma Evelyn wasn't there to rouse him anymore, and Grandpa George wasn't going to call for him, and he didn't need to take Dusty for walks and Sebastian had figured out he was gay because Alex refused to lie. 

Like a goddamn idiot. 

It wasn't a relief. It felt as raw and hungry as the cold that pressed against his face until he finally jerked beneath the blankets and left the moth to its desperate fluttering.

*

On Monday, Alex thought about messaging Sebastian to say he was sick. With any luck, Sebastian would be going to the mines or some shit. 

When do you ever have any luck?

He didn't want to go. He didn't want to clean Sebastian's house. He didn't want to be there. He was afraid. Afraid of Sebastian paying him out for years of bullying by targeting this specific thing which was so fragile and easily bruised that Alex didn't think he'd survive. Like, thank fuck his dad had never known. His dad would've beaten him to death, brought him back, and then beaten him to death again. 

Even his mom...

Don't think about it, shithead.

He trudged through the snow to Sebastian's, hands in his pockets, staring at the ground. He didn't look at the stars, he didn't look at his surroundings - picturesque as they were - and he thought of all the cruel things Sebastian could say. 

He put the key against Sebastian’s keyhole, and the door swung open before he could insert it. Sebastian stood there, and Alex stared at some point past his chest, thinking that even this revelation didn't make the yearning in him go away. He kept remembering how Sebastian had asked if it was a joke. Alex felt bad enough today that maybe he could lie and say it was a joke. 

'Yoba's ass, you look like a hunted animal, Alex. Come in.'

Alex shuffled in after stamping his feet on the welcome mat, which he'd have to shake out later. 

'I didn't know if you'd come,' Sebastian said, closing the door behind him. 'Can we talk?'

'Here to clean,' Alex said, hardly moving his mouth. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said. He reached out and grasped Alex's arm, and Alex stared down at the touch blankly. 

'Please don't tell anyone,' Alex said. 

'What?'

'Please don't tell anyone.' 

'Why would I tell anyone about this?' Sebastian said, sounding faintly indignant. Alex scowled at the floorboards. 

'That's what you do, man. Fuckin'...that's what you do. You tell people shit. You gossip about shit. You tell them I'm cleaning for you, you tell them whatever you can if it means they get to see what I'm really like.'

'Hey,' Sebastian said, sounding angry, stepping closer. His other hand grasped Alex's upper arm. It didn't hurt. But it was firm. Alex knew he should get away, a part of him really wanted to, but the rest of him stayed there just to have Sebastian close to him like this. 'Look at me, come on.' 

Alex looked at him, and Sebastian winced. 

'I'm not going to tell anyone,' Sebastian said. 'Didn't you- Didn't you say you didn't technically tell me anyway? So technically I don't know, right? I can still- I keep thinking... I thought maybe I'd imagined it or something.'

'Okay,' Alex said. 'Keep doing that.'

Sebastian's gaze was deep, as firm as the hands around his wrist, his arm. 'You have a really low opinion of me.'

'I really don't,' Alex said, scoffing, looking away again. 'I really don't.'

Sebastian stared, then let him go, like he'd realised how he was grasping Alex, how close he'd been. He took a step back. Sebastian's phone dinged on the countertop, then dinged another five times in quick succession. Sebastian looked over at it like he was annoyed and worried at the same time. 'Can we talk after you've finished cleaning?'

'Sure,' Alex said, relieved to get back to something familiar. He was fairly certain he could get out of talking after cleaning. Sebastian hesitated, then walked quickly to his phone, and Alex walked to the laundry and was glad, actually, to clean an already pretty clean house because the tasks kept him occupied and warmed his body. But none of it helped the strange panicky ache inside of him. Like Sebastian, he kept hoping he'd imagined everything. 

All too soon he was done, and Sebastian was in the middle of making sandwiches, and Alex stood in the doorway thinking there must be something about his cleaning routine that was predictable enough for Sebastian to know when he was nearly done. The house smelled fresh, and Alex rubbed absently at the red scar on his arm. 

'I know you won't tell me much,' Sebastian said, as he poured them both some coffee. 'I think I've learned that about you. But it's freaking me out, I think, that I didn't notice.'

'I didn't want you to.'

'You must have realised recently,' Sebastian said, bringing the coffees over, and then the plates with their sandwiches. He looked at Alex when he didn't immediately sit at the table. 'Right?'

Alex walked reluctantly over and sat, then immediately started eating the sandwich. The sooner he got through this, the better. 

'I mean,' Sebastian said, 'no way would you have mocked me so much otherwise.'

'Right,' Alex said. 

'That's not an answer,' Sebastian said slowly. 'You do that all the time. You say something like 'right' or 'sure,' and people think you're agreeing with them, and then...you seem fine with their assumptions even if they're super negative towards you.' 

'Yep,' Alex said. 

'Now you agree with me,' Sebastian said, staring at him unimpressed. 

'Sure,' Alex said, already onto the second half of the sandwich. 

'Did you know before I left for Zuzu?' Sebastian said pointedly. 

Crap, yes or no questions, the bane of Alex's existence. He wanted to chug the coffee, but it'd be way too hot. He wrapped his hands around it and wished he knew the right thing to say, the safest thing.

'Maybe,' Alex said. 

Sebastian stared at him like a teacher might stare at a pupil that had disappointed them. Alex ducked his head and tried the coffee. Yep. Way too hot. 

'I get that you've hidden this from everyone,' Sebastian said, 'but you know I'm gay right? Like, are you... Are you bi? Or maybe questioning or something? Am I just going to talk to myself until you go home?'

'I hope so,' Alex said into the coffee. 

'Trying to be nice here, but you're starting to get on my last nerve, Alex,' Sebastian said, his voice deepening. 

The right response was to be scared. Only scared. Alex was a little scared, but his body had done something alarming, a swoop in his gut, an awareness of his dick between his legs, and he carefully put the coffee down and rested his hands on his thighs beneath the table. 

'Maybe it’s a joke, right?' Sebastian said. 'So is it a joke, or not?' 

'Dunno,' Alex said. 

He knew. He knew it would piss Sebastian off. A voice screaming at him, like what the fuck was he doing? And why today? He was exhausted and apparently it turned him into a pure menace or something. 

Sebastian stood, and Alex thought he was going to take the plates over to the sink, and was paralysed when Sebastian hooked a hand into the neck of Alex's shirt instead. Alex went with the pressure, though Sebastian didn't yank him up, and Alex should've struggled, and he should've shouted or lashed out, because he didn't know what was going to happen to him. And he expected to get punched, and instead Sebastian pushed him against the wall, next to the clock that hung there. The ticking was way louder next to Alex's ear. 

'What the fuck?' Alex said, Sebastian's hand against his chest. 

Sebastian stared at him. He looked mad, but not furious. He looked determined as fuck. He certainly didn't punch or hit him, and Alex's body was starting to read a completely different meaning into what was happening, pushed up against a wall like this, a hand against him, and Sebastian close and smelling like coffee and cologne. 

'I know you'll probably hate me later,' Sebastian said, pressing closer, 'but I just want some answers. So whatever, hate me later, okay?'

For some reason, Alex thought Sebastian was going to grope him right there in his kitchen, and his brain was making a noise, like a fork stuck in some gears or something, as it ground down to a halt. But instead Sebastian leaned in, and said again: 

'Is it a joke or not, Alex?'

'Is this like an interrogation tactic?' Alex said, his voice higher than normal. 

'Sure.'

Alex ground his teeth together because Sebastian was now doing the same thing Alex usually did. Noncommittal answers. 

'Is it a joke? Or not?' Sebastian said.

Alex's breathing picked up, Sebastian was so close to him, and Alex was having a host of responses and amongst the panic he was pretty sure his dick was doing something it fucking shouldn't be doing at all. Alex pressed back into the wall, needed this to be over and done with so he could get the fuck out of there. 

'No,' Alex said. 'It's not.'

'So you're gay? Or bi maybe?'

'I'm not into chicks. I mean girls. I mean women! I'm not into women,' Alex said, hoping he didn't sound as breathless as he felt. 

'So you're into men?' 

Alex gulped. 'You don't have to stand this close, you know. You're an asshole.' 

'I know,' Sebastian said. 'You think Wentworth divorced me just because he was a complete dick? It went both ways.'

'What?' Alex said, staring at him. Sebastian's eyes were definitely black-green now. This close, Alex could see the colour properly. Sebastian had faint circles beneath his eyes, thick eyelashes, he was so goddamn intent. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, hand tightening in Alex's shirt. 'Probably not like you're thinking. I was never violent. But I'm not really nice either. You know that better than most, don't you?'

'But... You- You've been real nice,' Alex said. 

Yeah, he was definitely hard. He was hard in his jeans. It was really fucking uncomfortable, and his dick didn't seem to mind that either. Alex kept up the eye contact, because he was scared of what would happen if either one of them looked down. 

'So you're into men?'

'I guess,' Alex said.

Sebastian's eyes narrowed and his other hand came up and rested on the wall beside Alex's face like he was losing whatever patience he had left, no way was Alex filing all of this away to think about later. Because that was wrong. It was fucking wrong. Alex closed his eyes. 'I don’t mean to be a dick, I swear. I mean I don't know. I've never fucking been with anyone, have I? So I don't fucking know for sure.' 

But he fucking knew.

He risked opening his eyes again, and Sebastian's expression was clearing, and then he looked down at the hand on Alex's chest and frowned. He let go, then stepped back, and in the process of stepping back, looked down at the floor.

Then looked back at Alex's jeans. At the crotch of his jeans. And then his eyes just stayed there. 

'Gotta go, hey,' Alex said, telling himself that Sebastian couldn't see anything, because like, it was jeans. It was jeans for fuck's sake. 

'Wait,' Sebastian said, confused. 'Are you-?' 

'I'm done cleaning, see you later! Wednesday, yeah? Thanks for the sandwich! And the coffee! What a great talk, super great. Bye, Sebastian!'

He wasn't done talking when he slammed the front door behind him, and he tried to book it down the steps, but his fucking dick made that more difficult than usual. Still, he was a fair few steps away from Sebastian's house when he heard the front door open. It was only then that he realised he'd forgotten to take his pay, and he didn't care, he didn't fucking care, because this was the worst. 

He stared down at his own jeans and looked up again, pressing his lips together. What a time for something like this to happen. Sebastian interrogating him on whether he was actually gay or not, and Alex's whole body answering with a goddamn fucking hard-on. 

'Fucking kill me,' Alex muttered to himself as his breath puffed out in quick shallow gusts in front of him. 'Just fucking... Goddamn it.'

Goddamn it.

Sebastian was so going to fire him, and Alex felt like he'd lost something vital, but he was too scared to even think about it. Too scared and too clammy and too gross. He'd forgotten his jumper and everything. 

When he got home, he locked the door and walked straight into his bed, shoved a pillow into his mouth, and made a long, strangled noise of desperation, then slammed the pillow back into the bed. 

'Damn it!' Alex shouted. 'Damn it! Why've you always gotta fuck shit up like this? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you?!' 

He slammed his hands into his face so hard it hurt, and his breathing slowly calmed down. He felt shaky and fragile and wrong inside. He needed a shower because he was so fucking cold, and his body wasn't handling it well this year. Then he realised he'd sworn in his grandparent’s house, and he shook his head and his eyes teared up. 

'Sorry,' he said, knowing how disappointed they'd be. 'Sorry. I'm sorry.' 

Stupid. He swore in his grandparent’s house all the time.

He went and had a shower, and despite turning up the heat, still felt chilled. He chalked it up to the horror show that was “Sebastian finding out a unique way of getting direct questions answered” and couldn't stop thinking of the way Sebastian had stared at his goddamn jeans. What was he even thinking? Did he know? Had he put it together? Was he laughing about it? Did he think it was funny?

The biggest cosmic joke in the universe? 

Alex dragged himself to bed, too overwrought to dry his hair properly, and put on a double pair of socks to fend off the chill, then curled up under the blankets and told himself he was too goddamn old to have a crisis like this. Crisis after crisis or some shit. Maybe he should just go back to Mayor Lewis and say he was sorry and do the delivery run again. Alex's face screwed up because he couldn't. He couldn't go back to that job, not anymore.

*

A few hours later Alex woke, sweaty and feverish, and kicked his socks off and turned over in bed and breathed deeply through an ache in his chest. He dragged the blankets around until he felt like he was cooling down again, and fell asleep once more, upset and more tired than normal, hoping he'd feel better the next day. 

*

He woke up on Tuesday and his throat was so sore he could barely swallow. He opened his eyes and stared around his room and opened his mouth to call out to Grandma Evelyn. It'd been years since he'd been sick. Fucking years. He remembered she was gone, and he was in this big cold house on his own, and he thought about getting up to make a fire, but just turning around in bed made his body scream at him. His head hurt, his nose hurt, his ears hurt, and it was so strange to be sick. It hardly ever happened.

After all, he ate really well, and he exercised all the...

Except he didn't. Not anymore. He tried to remember how much he'd had to eat in the last few days and had a feeling it wasn't enough. 

He didn't want to think of it as some kind of punishment for everything that was happening with Sebastian, for being gay in the first place, but his mind was too fuzzy and weird and in the end he turned in bed and accepted whatever was happening, and decided he'd get some water to drink later. Later. When he felt better. 

He had work tomorrow, and his colds never lasted that long, so he'd be fine. 

He'd wake up and get some water and he'd be just fine. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Take My Arms in Assistance:

"'...He wasn't answering his phone at all.'

'No, mine either,' Haley said. 'Alex? Fuck, it's cold. Looks like he hasn't had the fire going for a few days. Maybe he's out. I'll just check down the hall, okay? Don't worry, he's probably just gone to the...'

Alex felt the presence of Haley, and knew he should say something, but felt so sore.

'Alex?' Haley said. 'Crap. Alex? Hey, babe. Alex?'

A cold palm on his forehead, and then the back of her hand on his cheek, and Alex made a muffled noise.

'Sebastian?' Haley said quietly. 'Can you get Harvey?'"

*

Hell yeah sickfic territory, *cackles happily*

I'm on Tumblr, posting occasional excerpts, and also memes because I am garbo for memes.

Chapter 17: Take My Arms In Assistance

Notes:

The following tags have been added because I should've added them earlier! -> Abigail Critical, Mayor Lewis Critical, Slow Burn

Also, for those who haven't gotten comment responses yet, I'll be replying to them after putting up this chapter! I just wanted to make sure the chapter didn't come too late. :D

Hell yeah sickfic territory. Also warning for: medical procedure involving needles (IV).

Also, y'all CAME THROUGH with comments, omg you're legends, thank you so so much!!!

Time slipped by in bumps and jags, Alex half-woke, slept deeply, then fitfully, was aware that he had to message Sebastian to say he couldn't come in, kept telling himself he'd do it when he woke up properly. He knew he managed to drag himself to the toilet a couple of times, and he fell asleep once in the bathroom, waking only when he fell against the towel rack against the wall. He stumbled back to bed and wanted to turn the pillow but was too tired to manage it, so he slept. 

He woke with his tongue stuck to his teeth and he could feel a weird peeling when he pulled it away, he tried sucking on his cheeks to bring more saliva in, and then swallowed with a throat so dry the skin clicked as it pressed tackily together. He knew he needed water and laid there trying to summon energy. He'd walk to the bathroom and drink straight from the sink, and he'd message Sebastian, and maybe Haley, because... because maybe this was bad enough that he needed a doctor. He had no idea what time it was, but he could see light coming through the curtains, and as he psyched himself up to get some water, his breathing slowed, and he fell asleep once more. 

*

Dull thudding, it came in irregular bursts. More dull thudding. Alex grunted, then moaned thinly through the pain in his throat. God he was so fucking cold. The thudding went away, and Alex slept again, every breath aching in his sore chest. 

Then, minutes or hours later, the door opening, and Alex thought that must be Grandma Evelyn back from putting decorations on the Tree of the Winter Star. He opened his mouth to croak out that he was sick and heard voices. 

'...He wasn't answering his phone at all.'

'No, mine either,' Haley said. 'Alex? Fuck, it's cold. Looks like he hasn't had the fire going for a few days. Maybe he's out. I'll just check down the hall, okay? Don't worry, he's probably just gone to the...'

Alex felt the presence of Haley, and knew he should say something, but felt so sore. 

'Alex?' Haley said. 'Crap. Alex? Hey, babe. Alex?' 

A cold palm on his forehead, and then the back of her hand on his cheek, and Alex made a muffled noise. 

'Sebastian?' Haley said quietly. 'Can you get Harvey?' 

Sebastian was there too? Alex needed to wake up properly, but he was down with whatever he had. Stupid. He never got sick. Sebastian was going to make fun of him for it, and... Alex's forehead furrowed. Grandma Evelyn made a really good tea, maybe he could ask her...

'Sure,' Sebastian said. 'Sure, I'll go right now.'

'Yeah, thanks,' Haley said. She sounded calm, but there was something in her voice which wasn't calm at all, an undercurrent of something. 

The door opening and closing, and Haley sitting on the side of his bed, then looking around the room. She got up and left, then came back, and Alex grunted at the touch on the side of his face. 

'You need to drink some water, okay?' Haley said. 'Alex?'

'M'good,' Alex croaked, except the words didn't come out. He managed to stop himself from crying out from the pain in his throat. He didn't want Haley to catch whatever he had. And Haley tried to lift him to get him to drink the water, but Alex didn't get much of it and the angle wasn't right, it spilled over his chin. Swallowing felt like needles. 

'Gonna need to figure out how to deal with this, babe,' Haley said, sounding upset now, not calm anymore. 'You getting sick like this, not telling anyone.' 

The world fell silent, Alex slipped off into darkness, with water on his lips and his tongue. He wanted more, but the idea of sitting up for it seemed like too much. He knew that wasn't right. His dad would expect him to be way stronger than this. But he just wanted to sleep. 

*

When he next woke, it was to the whole world shifting around him. 

Someone near him, lifting his torso while his legs stayed on the bed. He was being propped up, and he gasped and tried tensing, but his body was too sore. 

'You're okay, Alex,' Dr Harvey said. 'Looks like a bad virus, but we'll run some saline and see if we can't keep you out of the hospital, okay?' 

No more hospitals. Alex opened his mouth, his teeth did him the injustice of chattering instead of helping him shape words. Someone was sitting behind him, letting him lean against them, and Alex thought it was Dr Harvey at first, but then he realised Dr Harvey was the one moving around in front of him. His eyes cracked open, all the colours were too sharp, too bright, and he stared at the needle and the cannula, made a thin sound because this wasn't meant to be his thing. This was what his mom did, and his grandparents. And when Dr Harvey took his wrist, Alex’s eyes welled helplessly with tears. He was too weak to make much noise, but they dripped down his cheeks. His eyes hurt. 

Dr Harvey must have noticed. 'It's not fun, I know,' Dr Harvey said soothingly. 'This part will be over quickly, I promise. You're running a really nasty fever there, Alex. Can you talk?'

He nodded but said nothing. He turned his head away as the needle pricked into his vein, and though Dr Harvey worked quickly, Alex hated the feel and smell of it all. His breathing was shakier, the tears still ran, he looked around his room in dull confusion. 

'S'Grandma okay?' he managed. His voice croaked out of him in pieces, and Dr Harvey paused in the middle of taping down the cannula. He looked up at Alex and his face twisted. Alex stared back. 'She okay?' Alex said again. 

'Shit,' said a low voice from behind him, and Alex thought that sounded a lot like Sebastian. Adult Sebastian, not teenage Sebastian. 

'She's fine,' Dr Harvey said finally. 'You're going to get some more sleep, and we'll make a decision about the hospital soon, okay?'

'Don't...' Alex managed. 'M'good. Good.'

'That's right,' Dr Harvey said. 'You're going to be just fine. Do you think you can drink more water?' 

Alex nodded, but his eyes were closed, his breathing slowing down. The stress of the needle and everyone being there was too much, and this was the longest he'd been awake in... he didn't know how long. 

He felt a glass at his mouth and opened automatically, and the water was tipped in so carefully, the tiniest amount. Alex knew it was Sebastian holding the glass, because his arm had come forward, was up against Alex’s side. Then there was more water, and Alex drank half the glass and then stopped, because his throat was on fire. After that, his head dropped back and fell onto Sebastian’s shoulder. 

'I have some decent tinctures back in the office,' Dr Harvey said, though it took Alex ages to understand him, he felt like he was putting all the words together belatedly, because he was too tired to understand each sentence as it was said. 'He's going to need a couple. Will you stay with him? I can call Haley back.'

'I'll stay,' Sebastian said. 

'I'll be back soon. Let him rest. It's definitely not like Alex to get sick like this, at least, not since I've met him.'

'I don't think he's been eating properly,' Sebastian said. 'I saw inside his fridge, before.'

Dr Harvey sighed, said something else, but Alex slept again. 

*

The next time he woke, he felt a bit more alert. It was dark outside, and the IV line was still running into his arm. He shifted and was aware of being not on his regular pillows, but someone's thigh. 

'It's me,' Sebastian said. 'Are you awake?' 

Alex made a questioning sound. His throat still felt like it had bits of glass in it, but it wasn't as bad as before. 

'It's Thursday. You've been really sick. Looks like you caught a virus or something, and then got really dehydrated, and it just...made everything a lot worse. But Harvey's given you some medicine, and your fever's come down. The saline IV stays in until you're staying awake long enough to replace your own fluids. Do you want me to move?'

Alex nodded, but only because he didn't understand exactly what was happening. Why was Sebastian here? 

Sebastian was careful as he eased away, and Alex's head ended up resting on two pillows, his eyes opening as Sebastian stood and walked over to one of the kitchen chairs, which was now in his bedroom, apparently. Alex reached up and rubbed clumsily at his eyes, which felt stuck together, and stared at the IV stand. He wanted to rip the cannula out of his arm but, well, that would be dumb. 

'You didn't turn up for Wednesday's shift,' Sebastian said, watching him. 'And at first I just thought that was...because of other stuff. And then I realised this was your work ethic we were talking about, so I came round, and then I got Haley. Dr Harvey says there's actually a chance you might not have made it at all if no one had noticed. All from a virus. A virus that...' 

Sebastian looked mad, and Alex took a breath. He vaguely remembered asking after his grandma, and he closed his eyes, because she was gone, and he was never going to see her again. The days of someone taking care of him while he was sick disappeared with them. Even his mom couldn't properly take care of him when he was sick because she was often dealing with the aftermath of the violence his dad caused. 

'Just a stupid virus, Alex. Why didn't you contact anyone?' 

Alex pushed up a little. His neck hurt. His head ached. But he did feel a bit more with it. 

'Never...been this bad,' Alex managed, clearing his throat a few times. 'Never been sick like this before. Thought I'd be fine if I just slept it off, you know.'

Alex felt like all his emotions had been dulled, or wrapped up in thick plastic, because he couldn't seem to feel panicked about the fact that Sebastian had seen his hard-on the other day. But maybe Sebastian hadn't seen it.

No...Alex was pretty sure he saw it.

Maybe Sebastian just didn't care. 

'Sorry I missed the shift,' Alex said. 

Sebastian glared at him. 'You're like...an absolutely top tier level of fucked up, you know that?'

'Yeah,' Alex said, smirking as he slumped back down to the bed. 'Yeah, I know that.'

Sebastian's lips quirked, then he shook his head like he couldn't believe Alex was making a joke at a time like this. But this was the best time to make a joke. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said. 'I looked around the house. I didn't mean to, but Haley was as well. And there were, um, flowers in your grandparent's bedroom. That used to be your old bedroom didn't it? I didn't realise you gave it back to them.'

'Oh yeah,' Alex said. 'Ages ago.' 

'You don't have any food in your fridge.'

'Do so,' Alex mumbled. 

'Not much. Not enough.'

'Don't worry, I'll be back to cleaning in...no time.'

'Yeah, if you think we're not going to argue about this later, you've got another thing coming. I don't feel that sorry for you, right now.'

Alex squinted at him, then groaned when he realised he was so fucking tired of sleeping. Being sick was the worst. 

'Don't want to sleep again,' Alex said. 

'Sure. Do it anyway, though.'

Fine then, Alex thought. He was still trying to think of a decent retort when he fell asleep. 

*

When he woke, it was early morning and light was streaming through the open window. Alex pushed up on the forearm that didn't have the cannula in it and looked up at the saline bag that had been replaced at some point. Maybe many times. And then Dr Harvey walked in and smiled when he saw Alex. 

'How're you feeling?' 

Alex wanted to say fine, but he didn't think that would fly. Instead he sat up properly and felt dizzy for a few seconds. He got up and realised he had to take the IV stand with him to go to the bathroom and holding it and wheeling it in with him felt awful. He wanted that cannula out of him as soon as possible. When he was done, he cleaned his hands, splashed water on his face, felt absolutely feral. But he also felt weak and dizzy, and he sat heavily back on the bed and took deep breaths, then kept taking them when Dr Harvey pressed the end of a stethoscope to his chest and back. 

'I think you're clear for any kind of severe respiratory infection, and I don’t think you’ll have to worry about pneumonia,' Dr Harvey said, sitting on the chair that had been dragged into his room from the kitchen. 'But you've taken a hit with this one, Alex.'

'When can I go back to work?' 

'You know, most people ask me how long they can get off work, because they want to recover. I think we need to have a talk, Alex. Okay?' 

Alex winced, and Dr Harvey sat beside him on the bed. 

'I'd really like you to consider seeing the therapist that visits Pelican Town. He's not a bad guy, and you've been having a rough time.'

'Yeah, but I work nights,' Alex said, 'so I doubt-'

'Actually, Tim doesn't work a 9-to-5 schedule. He runs from about 11-to-8pm. Look, I know you can give me many excuses, Alex. And I know the likelihood of you seeing a therapist because I'm asking you to is small. I'm not an idiot. But I am worried about you. I think there's deeper things going on than you just having a bad virus. I'm also concerned that you didn't contact anyone.'

'I didn't know,' Alex said, ashamed. 'I didn't know how bad it was. Just felt...like something I could sleep off. Really.'

'Yes, well,' Dr Harvey said, pushing his glasses up his nose. 'That's not great either, that you're not very good at telling when you might need help. I'm sure you started feeling off-colour before you really crashed, and that's the time when it's important to message people, even if it's just to tell me or someone else that you're under the weather and to check-in.'

Alex realised he'd felt out of sorts before he visited Sebastian's for his cleaning shift. He'd been colder than normal for a few days, and he couldn't always blame it on the fire not being lit, and he'd felt really overheated at Sebastian's. He'd blamed it all on the stress of everything, but looking back, he'd definitely felt crappy on the walk home in the cold. He had no real practice with being sick like that. Pretty much all the times he missed school as a kid were down to his father being violent, though they often used colds or flus as an excuse. 

'It's not uncommon, you know, for your body to struggle after major loss,' Dr Harvey said. 'It's very stressful. You've changed jobs, too. You've had a bad injury to your arm.' 

'I'm getting paid more,' Alex said. 'And my arm's...fine. It's fine. Look.'

Alex made a show of moving his arm, and Dr Harvey watched and then met Alex's eyes and looked mostly like he wasn't convinced. 'Last time I had to run a saline IV for anyone in the town, it was for your grandparents, Alex. I haven't had to do it for Martingale for a while. It feels like you and I have been seeing each other a lot more lately, haven't we?' Dr Harvey smiled a little. 'You're like my problem child.'

'You're not that old,' Alex said, frowning.

'I know,' Dr Harvey said, smiling. 'I'm not that old at all. But still, when you're a doctor in a small town, I think you come to feel protective of the people you see, because you get to know them so well. Anyway, I'm going to take the cannula out today. I'll come back to check on you as well.'

'How...much is all of this gonna cost?' Alex said, despair eating at him. 'Actually, you know what? I'm doing fine. So once the...thing is out of my arm, I can always just come in if I feel bad, you know.' 

Dr Harvey looked unhappy, and Alex thought he could probably afford everything now, with cleaning Sebastian’s house. He'd been putting money aside every single shift. He could save more. He just had to make sure he got back to work. 

'Alex... Listen, I'm going to give you reduced fees. I'd love to not charge at all, but unfortunately, I-' 

'You don't have to reduce anything! I'm-' Alex stopped at the scratchy feeling in his throat and then broke off, coughing violently, hand over his mouth. 'I can pay.'

'Stop,' Dr Harvey said, raising a hand. 'I've done the same for others in the town. Especially the ones who either aren't working or aren't working much. You wouldn't be the first patient I’ve done this for. I'm aware that all of your grandparent's retirement money went straight to their healthcare and their funerals, Alex.' 

'Sebastian's paying me more, I can definitely... I can definitely pay more.'

'Thank you for that, but I'll be deciding how much to bill you. And if I'm coming over just to do a house visit, I don't think I need to charge for that.'

'But-'

'You're very stubborn, Alex,' Dr Harvey said, pushing up his glasses again, 'but so am I. You can't debate me on this one, I'm afraid. Now, let's look at getting that cannula out. And we'll see how you go with staying hydrated.' 

Alex stayed still as Harvey carefully peeled back the sticky stuff, then slid the cannula free which made Alex feel queasy. Then there was gauze pressed over the little puncture wound, and Harvey was asking him to keep the pressure up while he turned to get a little plaster to stick over it. After a moment, he brought out a syringe, which Alex didn't expect at all. 

'I'd like to get some bloods, if possible, just for some general tests.'

'Why?' Alex said, as Dr Harvey put the cuff around his other arm to make the veins easier to see. 

'You've been working nights for a long time, not eating well. I'd like to make sure your iron, vitamin D, B12, all of those things...are doing okay. It's easy to lose track of it, you know! But everyone should be getting daily sunlight exposure, and I suspect you might not be meeting your nutritional needs. All right, take a breath in for me.'

Alex breathed in, and the needle slid into his skin on the exhale. A little pinch that was like nothing at all, especially after the time Sebastian methodically stitched up his arm. Alex watched the blood going into the vial and wondered when the last time he got sunlight exposure was. He sure as shit wasn't doing that daily. 

'This Tim guy,' Alex said. 'What's he like?' 

'He's nice,' Dr Harvey said. 'I think it helps that he doesn't live here, so while he understands the cultures that spring up in small country towns, he's also not someone you're going to see every day. Sometimes that's good. I've found since moving here that everyone has an image of me in my mind, and it doesn't always match the image I have of myself.'

'Right,' Alex said, laughing under his breath. 'That's definitely a thing.'

'Isn't it?' Dr Harvey said, drawing the needle free. Once more, he had Alex press gauze down over the puncture wound while he got another plaster. 'Do you feel that way too sometimes?'

'Sure,' Alex said. 'That's pretty universal.' 

'Mm, yes, I think so too. But you know, sometimes that disconnect between how you perceive yourself and how other people perceive you can be quite jarring. And sometimes Alex, how we perceive ourselves can be quite critical or even mean. It's no way to live a life. Ah, there we are. I'm afraid I've covered you with plasters. But hopefully that will be the end of it.' 

'Can I go back to work?' Alex said. 

'No,' Dr Harvey said soberly. 'Not for the rest of the week, at least. Cleaning is a physical job, and exposure to all the chemicals in cleaning solutions can aggravate your lungs. It's important that you get some rest, drink water, and eat regularly, and hopefully in one or two days we can revisit the subject, all right?' 

'Sebastian likes a really clean house.'

'That's good,' Dr Harvey said absently, while packing things into his doctor's bag. 'That's something he can also do, Alex.'

But he doesn't like to do it. 

'I get bored,' Alex said finally, feeling naked, far too fucking exposed. And he was tired. Fuck, he was tired all over again. He was pretty sure he was just going to sleep after Dr Harvey left. He thought he'd be up for at least a few hours. 

'What I really suspect is happening,' Dr Harvey said, standing and grimacing, 'is that you don't like to spend time with your own thoughts. I know you've been on quite a strict night schedule, but there's room to shift it a few hours forwards or backwards and make use of some daylight hours. You could go to the museum, or the spa, or even visit friends. Haley's been worried. Sebastian too. Perhaps over the next few days you might want to think about seeing Tim about this feeling of boredom you get when you're not constantly working, or disappearing into sleep, all right? That's all I ask, Alex. Think it over. You've been through a lot, and no one will judge you for this, except, ah, yourself. I'm sure you'll do it.'

Alex wanted to say some witty retort, but he just shrugged. Yeah. It was true. 

Dr Harvey smiled and headed out, and Alex didn't fall asleep like he thought he would. He sat there for some time and thought he needed to message Sebastian, and Haley, and then he needed a goddamn shower, because he felt wretched. He stared down at the plasters on each arm – one at his wrist, one at his inner elbow – and sighed. The house felt large and empty without anyone in it, and Alex missed his grandparents more acutely than he had in a while. 

Eventually he got sick of himself, and walked into the bathroom, feeling weak and fragile, and hating how scared it made him feel. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Start Again Slowly':

"'So, you're really gay,' Sebastian said. 'I'm kind of pissed, honestly, that I never knew. Maybe it would've been nice to just have someone in the town who got it.'

'I mean...I don't think I do get it,' Alex said, looking away. 'Like, I don't think it would've ended well for me if you'd known years ago. Don't think it would've made us friends. Doesn't really seem to work that way.'

Sebastian sighed. 'I don't get you. But what I think I'm starting to get is that you have a ton of stuff you're messed up over, and I used to think almost all of it was about like...your upbringing. But now it's like some of it is because you're into guys, and also maybe...because of...me?'

Alex felt his heart thump really hard, just once, and refused to look back. Was Sebastian hinting at what Alex thought he was hinting at? He hadn't figured it out, had he? He didn't know that Alex loved him, did he? Because that would be the worst. Maybe Alex would finally have to leave fucking Pelican Town, maybe he'd-

'Because of like, how I treated you?' Sebastian said.

Oh, thank fuck."

*

I'm on Tumblr, posting excerpts for future chapters and screaming into my hands about Alex and Sebastian (I'm not just doing that on Tumblr I'm doing that everywhere)

Chapter 18: Start Again Slowly

Notes:

Y'all enjoying the sickfic element of this story made me SO happy, it's one of my favourite hurt/comfort tropes and you've all made it SO much more fun on top of just being able to write it for you :D

Alex's hours were all over the place. He slept too long, or too little. He was seeing more daylight than he'd seen in ages. He kept trying to set alarms on his phone so he'd keep to his night schedule, but it didn't work. And no one was helping him get his schedule back to normal, because he’d hardly been left alone since Haley and Sebastian discovered he was sick. At most, he had an hour or half an hour to himself, the rest of the time...

'So it's good to know you're the kind of person who'll just die from not drinking enough water,' Haley said, when she came over on Saturday morning. Alex knew it was meant to feel late, but he felt relatively awake. Haley had containers of food, putting them all in the fridge, one by one. 

'You cooked?' Alex said. 'You hate cooking.'

'Oh, babe, I'm not cooking for you,' Haley said, laughing. 'I got it from Emily, who got it from Gus, because, um, the town might kind of know about how sick you've been. This time it's my fault, because I told Emily, and Emily just... I didn't realise she'd mobilise to do this. It's a lot of stuff you can reheat in a microwave, there's a lot of spaghetti.' 

Alex stared in amazement. 'Does- Do I need to pay...?' 

'No,' Haley said, closing the fridge and smiling. 'It's fine. At least we know you have food now. I got some fruit juice, and picked up some milk from Marnie, and she let me play with the baby chicks she's got. They're so cute. So cute. You should come down some time with me, like, when was the last time you held a baby chicken?' 

'I...don't know if I've done that,' Alex said. 

He broke off to cough, deep hacking noises that shocked him. His throat didn't hurt as badly anymore, and he was drinking so much water he needed to piss all the time. Everything was weird now. He'd texted Sebastian to say Dr Harvey told him he couldn't work, and Sebastian replied with: I'll come over later today and we'll chat. Which sounded ominous and foreboding. 

'Harvey's really worried,' Haley said. 'I mean we all are. Super uncool behaviour on your part.' 

Alex smiled. 'Super uncool.'

'You don't even seem alarmed.'

'I'm tired,' Alex said. But she was right, he didn't feel that alarmed. He'd been more freaked out by the fact that Haley and Sebastian had come over, that he'd rested his head on Sebastian's thigh, that the guy had pressed a glass of water against his mouth and seemed to be treating him almost normally after everything that had happened. Alex's face started burning, he rested his fingertips against his cheeks. 

'You okay?' 

'Sebastian knows,' Alex said, closing his eyes. He didn't want to talk about this. He'd vowed to never talk about it with a living soul. He'd even mostly accepted that life for himself. After Sebastian got married, he'd come to a decision, and he'd done so fucking well until Sebastian came back and Alex turned into the most desperate man in the universe, apparently. 

'Knows what?' Haley said blankly. 'He definitely knows you've been sick, because- Oh! Oh shit! Alex. You...'

'Yeah,' Alex said, because he could hear the moment Haley got it. Because Haley had known - maybe for ages – and had been so fucking good about it all this time. Alex opened his eyes and smiled weakly at her. 'How long have you known?' 

'I don't mind dancing around this forever,' Haley said with a warm look in her eyes, 'but for once, you just have to tell me, okay? This waltz between us has been nice and all, way better than anything you've done at the Flower Festival.'

'Hey,' Alex said, laughing. 

'But you just have to say it. I mean, you said it to him, right?'

'No,' Alex said, rolling his eyes at the same time she did. 'I gotta say it, huh? Yeah, okay, I'm... I'm mostly, pretty, um, pretty gay. In the- In the non-insulting way.' Alex tilted his head. 'Maybe also in the insulting way.'

'Yeah,' Haley said, walking over and giving him a quick, strong hug. 'Thanks for telling me.' 

'So when did you figure it out?'

'I wondered in high school,' Haley said, and Alex's eyes widened. Haley stepped back and leaned against the counter. 'Back then I was just wondering! Like, you know, it was a thought that would come and go. We'd talk about the guys I was crushing on, but I started to notice we never talked about any girls you were crushing on. And then, around...the time Martingale and Sebastian married, it all just clicked. I realised what it was at the wedding, I think. That- That you were crushing on someone in particular, and...yeah.'

'Shit,' Alex said staring at her.

'No one else figured it out,' Haley said, 'because honestly they're idiots? I mean you're not super obvious about it, you don’t ‘act gay,’ whatever that means. But it's not like you're a complete hidden mystery either. Didn't even get a cover girlfriend. You could've gone way deeper into that closet.'

'Couldn't do that to a girl,' Alex said, frowning. 'I mean you would've been that girl. That's what everyone expected. Couldn’t do that to you.' 

'Yeah,' Haley said, sighing and resting her elbows back on the counter. It thrust her chest out, and he didn't even care. He definitely wasn't even a little bit into girls and hadn't been for such a long time. 'I sort of expected you to make a move at some point, maybe try and do the fake relationship thing. I thought we'd talk about it then. Because like, I have way higher standards for myself.' 

'You should,' Alex said, smiling. 

'I have high standards for you as well,' Haley said, frowning. 'But that's a whole other conversation. Anyway, I've known for ages, and now Sebastian knows? What happened? That's like...wild. I mean he hasn't told me anything. And we've been texting a little. Just coordinating when we're coming over. What happened?'

'A guy cracked onto me,' Alex said, not knowing what to think at the way Haley's face lit up. 'One of Sebastian's town friends, he just kind of...said some stuff, and I told him I wasn't looking, but he must've talked to Sebastian about it, and Sebastian came over like, “Hey, why didn't you tell this guy you were straight,” which was the last thing I expected, and I just couldn't fucking lie about it anymore. I didn't tell him, exactly, I just didn't say no.'

'Does he know how you feel about him?'

'I fuckin' hope not,' Alex said. 'Looks pretty bad, doesn't it? And Hales, think about how that might make him feel? Not good, probably. Or maybe too good, maybe that'll be the next big hilarious thing. You know what this town doesn't need? More reasons to fucking gossip about me and my business.'

'I hear that,' Haley said heavily. 'Okay. Well. He's definitely worried. And he seems to have a pretty good read on you, or at least parts of you. He said that I should come round to his place one night and watch TV with him and the others. He even said he might come down and get his nails done properly.'

'What?' Alex said. 'Seriously?'

'I mean he used to have black nails sometimes, right? He said it might be nice to get them professionally done, and when I told him I could do little skulls or frogs and shit, he did that thing where he's really excited but tries not to look really excited, I don't know, I thought it was cute.' 

Alex shook his head, thought the whole thing was kind of cute, wished he could somehow get a do-over where Sebastian didn't notice him hard in his pants because he was up against a wall and Sebastian was in front of him, so close to him. He was thinking about it more and more now that he was recovering, and it was reaching the point where Alex realised that beneath the fear and the mortification, it was mostly just hot being pushed up against a wall. It was hot. He loved Sebastian, and he also loved being treated in a certain kind of way, and he didn't know how fucked up that made him, or what it meant. Besides, Sebastian was angry, Alex hated that part. 

Also, he thought Sebastian might be pretty fucked up too, actually, which was something he hadn't really considered before. But what he'd said about knowing he was an asshole, and the divorce not being all about farmer Martingale was like...weird. 

Haley and Alex spent more time talking. She made Alex some tea and didn’t leave until he finished the whole cup. That was kind of annoying, but at least she wasn't awful about it. She left after, saying she had clients. It was nearly lunchtime, and when Alex followed her to the door, he stared at the day beyond and realised he could go out into it. He didn't have to be in bed right now, but he was tired, and he went back inside and got some rest. 

*

Saturday night, Sebastian came over. He let himself into the house - Haley had told Alex to leave his door unlocked until he got better - and he walked straight into the kitchen, and Alex watched him from the lounge, where he was curled up in the armchair. Sebastian put some stuff in Alex's fridge, then went down the corridor towards Alex's room, before walking backwards like he'd just realised Alex was in the lounge.

'You could say hi,' Sebastian said flatly.

'I mean same,' Alex said. 'Just coming in without knocking, I could've been doing anything.'

Sebastian arched an eyebrow, and Alex looked away, because he hadn't meant anything too weird by it, and he didn't know what Sebastian was thinking, but he felt like that eyebrow said: "Like jerking off?" 

'I brought some soup. Mom made you some rice pudding too. I hate that shit, but most people like it.'

Sebastian came in and sat on the rug on the floor in front of the fireplace, crossing his legs and looking around the room curiously. 

'I don't think I've had rice pudding before,' Alex said. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, face creasing. 'Demetrius was a dick about it too. Made some joke about how normally Mom only makes it for him and Maru, and how I'm old enough to learn how to cook from a recipe at my own place if I want rice pudding for a sick friend, like he wouldn't drop everything to cook for Maru in a heartbeat. And Mom was so happy to, because I ask her for literally nothing.' 

Alex didn't know what to say, and Sebastian's hands clenched at his knees. 

'I don't hate him anymore,' Sebastian said, like Alex had asked a question. 'But he's a shit father to anyone who isn't Maru. Just thought I was taking up space, you know. Baggage from a previous relationship.'

'That sucks,' Alex said. 

'Yeah, he hasn't gotten any better, either. If I go over, he always finds a ton of reasons to interrupt me and Mom. And he makes it seem like he's just asking innocent questions, but it's like he has to let me know I don't have as much of a right to her as he does. Gotta start having her come over to mine more. You know he hasn't even come to visit yet?' 

Alex just shook his head in commiseration because everyone knew Demetrius had always been an asshole to Sebastian. Alex was pretty sure he'd said some shitty things to Sebastian about it back in high school to try and hurt the guy. 

'Maru's okay,' Sebastian added. 'I'm hoping she can visit more.' 

'Are you close?'

'We got closer when I was living with Wentworth. Like I walked up to visit her and talked to her sometimes.'

'Sure,' Alex said. 'You said the other night that, uh, you could be an asshole with Wentworth. I thought the divorce happened because of like... because of him. Like he's so weird, and...stuff.'

Sebastian sighed. 'It was his choice. And I didn't want it at the time – I didn’t really think it was possible – and I hated it. But time's gone past, and I've been able to think about it, and like...the relationship was fucked up. He worked too hard, I worked too hard, we never saw each other, and I didn't...communicate anything well. I still don't. I'm better than some, though.'

Sebastian gave him a pointed look, and Alex shrugged. 

'So, you're really gay,' Sebastian said. 'I'm kind of pissed, honestly, that I never knew. Maybe it would've been nice to just have someone in the town who got it.' 

'I mean...I don't think I do get it,' Alex said, looking away. 'Like, I don't think it would've ended well for me if you'd known years ago. Don't think it would've made us friends. Doesn't really seem to work that way.'

Sebastian sighed. 'I don't get you. But what I think I'm starting to get is that you have a ton of stuff you're messed up over, and I used to think almost all of it was about like...your upbringing. But now it's like some of it is because you're into guys, and also maybe...because of...me?' 

Alex felt his heart thump really hard, just once, and refused to look back. Was Sebastian hinting at what Alex thought he was hinting at? He hadn't figured it out, had he? He didn't know that Alex loved him, did he? Because that would be the worst. Maybe Alex would finally have to leave fucking Pelican Town, maybe he'd-

'Because of like, how I treated you?' Sebastian said. 

Oh, thank fuck. 

'Harvey talked to me,' Sebastian said. 'Said it might be time to see Tim.'

'That's hilarious,' Alex said, and then as Sebastian's expression turned defensive, Alex added: 'He wants me to see Tim too. Dr Harvey pushing the Gospel of Tim really hard these days, I guess.' 

'Yeah.' Sebastian's expression cleared. 'I saw someone in Zuzu who helped me with some stuff.'

'Yeah?' 

'Mm. I don't know if I'll see Tim though. Might call my old therapist or something. She was okay. Anyway, so you're into dying from like...viruses now? That's a thing you're doing?'

'You know, for a hobby I just picked up, I think I'm already pretty good at it,' Alex deadpanned. 

Sebastian's smile was so warm. Then he rocked back and forth on his hips and sighed. 

'Not to target you while you're still recovering or anything, but I really think we should talk about high school. It just seems like... It just seems like that's between us actually becoming friends, or whatever.'

'Like you want to be friends with someone like me,' Alex said, finding the whole thing darkly funny. 

'That's just it, why wouldn't I? Like, actually, when you're not putting me down for being gay - which...is a whole other thing - or being a nerd, or being whatever, you're actually just an interesting, quiet guy. Why wouldn't I want to be friends with you?' 

Alex couldn't think of what to say. Embarrassingly, there was a voice in his head shouting: Sebastian thinks I'm interesting! 

'I'm not that interesting,' Alex said. 'I think you're imagining a whole lot of shit behind the silence, but there's really not much there.'

'You like...hate yourself,' Sebastian said bluntly. Dude would never learn tact. Not ever. In some ways it was refreshing, but it was so fucking confrontational. Sebastian just said shit. Alex thought he was bad, but he had nothing on Sebastian's ability to do this. 

'Yeah,' Alex said, because he didn't know what else to say. 

Sebastian seemed to do a double take, even though he'd asked like he already knew the answer. 'How long?' 

'Have I hated myself?' Alex said, frowning. 

'Yeah.'

'Like, I dunno, how long have I been alive? A while. Probably not as a baby. I don't think babies can do that. But you know, I would've given it my best shot.' Alex laughed at the thought. 

Sebastian didn't laugh at all. 'I thought maybe when you...realised you were gay.' 

'Nah. That was just another thing, but not the first thing.' 

Sebastian laid back on the rug and stared into the fire for a while. He looked so comfortable in Alex's house. And Alex loved this. He loved Sebastian being here, even when he was asking heavy questions about stupid stuff that Alex never talked about. He loved Sebastian with his black coat and black jeans and his calf-high boots and his fancy black hair just lying down comfortably like he belonged. It felt good and strange and confronting all at once. 

'So in high school, when we...were hating on each other, the stuff I said... You always acted like none of it ever bothered you. Always. I can't even remember most of what I said, because it just seemed like none of those words ever mattered at all.' 

'Sure,' Alex said. 

Sebastian lifted his head up and glared at Alex briefly before dropping back down to the carpet again.

'You were hating yourself the whole time,' Sebastian said. 

'I guess,' Alex said. 'I don't get why it matters. I would've done it either way.'

Sebastian pushed up so he was sitting again. 'Did I make it worse?' 

'No,' Alex said too quickly, and Sebastian was staring at him, a fireplace-glow in his eyes. 'It doesn't matter. It was all- It was all... I mean I was the worst.'

'Here's the thing,' Sebastian said. 'Here's the thing that I've been stuck on the past few days... I had some shit in my life that wasn't going well. Stuff with Demetrius. He was always on my case. I could always vent to Sam and Abi about it, but I still had to live with the guy. People didn't respect my work, like…my job. I had to deal with you. But I didn't hate myself. At least I don't think I did. I remember thinking I was way better than the town, and I still feel that way sometimes. I mostly felt like I didn't belong here because I was better than people, not because I thought I was worse.'

'You really just say shit out loud, don't you?' Alex said in amazement. 'Who fucking says they knew they were the odd one out because they were so much better than everyone?'

'Me,' Sebastian said calmly. 'I do that. Maybe it was something that came out of insecurity, but the reality is that I saw a lot of people settling for second best or third best and I was like “couldn't be me” and I left. I get so tired of it, you know. Watching all these people live out their lives never talking to each other. Pierre and Caroline with their issues. Abigail never talking to anyone about how she secretly believes her dad's the Wizard or some shit, even though we all know she dyes her hair and they're not related. Marnie and Mayor Lewis. Elliott never writing his books because he mostly doesn't want to and hasn't admitted it to himself yet. Clint and all his gross “boohoo Emily friend-zoned me” shit, even though he has a really cool job and could basically find another partner if he just got over himself for five seconds.'

'Do me next,' Alex said. 'Describe me like this.'

Sebastian's laugh was sharp, and they shared a look. 

'You are an asshole,' Alex said. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'Yeah, I am. Some people want to be friends with me because of it. But no one likes it when they have it directed at them.'

'So go on, describe me like that,' Alex said, feeling like he just wanted to know how Sebastian would reduce him to a single sentence. 

'Look, all these people I just cut down are all people. Clint's actually really awesome if you talk to him about not-Emily. Abigail's obviously my friend even though I lose patience with some of her – I don’t know – whimsy. Caroline gave me a tea plant when I moved back, and then told me a good place to mail order fresh coffee beans, even though that means she's not supporting Wentworth or her husband’s grocery store.'

'I still want to know,' Alex said. 

'Whatever,' Sebastian said. 'I guess I'd say... you're the one who thought he was hot shit and then gave up on himself when he realised he wasn't, just a no-hoper who...'

Sebastian stared down at the rug for a long time. 

'I hurt you a lot in high school, didn't I?' he said. 

Alex didn't want to say no, he didn't want to say yes. He shifted a little in the armchair and looked towards the bookshelf with all the novels his grandparents liked to read. On one of the shelves was a row of books that he brought with him from his mom's, after she passed away. Alex had never read them for a lot of reasons, but he always wanted to one day. They were mostly just historical romances, which Alex thought were so incredibly boring. But they were his mom's, and he wanted to absorb everything that was left of her. 

'What would you say about you?' Alex said finally. 'If you talked about yourself that way?'

'I'm the guy who convinced himself he’d fallen in love if it would get him out of the basement, wasted a relationship, got divorced, went to make something of himself and then ended up back in the very place he grew up hating. Except I don't really hate it anymore. I just can't figure out exactly what I want anymore, but I know I don't want to live the way I used to. And you didn't answer my question, which I think with you is an answer. A really big answer.'

'I don't see the point in talking about it.' 

'I mean, how about the fact that you're scared of me, but still working for me? Or that you flinch when I get mad at something, even if I'm not mad at you? Or that you always assume you're in trouble, or that you're not doing well enough? You want to live that way forever?'

'Yeah,' Alex said, closing his eyes again. 'Don't really believe...there's another path for me, honestly.'

He thought that would be it. They'd change the subject, or Sebastian would drop it. 

'You think you're stubborn enough to give up on your life forever,' Sebastian said darkly, 'but I'm more stubborn than you are.'

'Bet,' Alex said. 

'I also think we should talk about the, uh, reaction you had the other day before you literally ran away from my home.'

Alex's eyes widened, back straightening, but it wasn't like he could run away from his grandparent's home, and he felt too weak to do that anyway. Sebastian was playing really unfair today, and Alex wondered if he could just Not Talk his way through it. But he had a feeling his usual method of evasion wasn't going to work anymore. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Nobody Really Knew Him':

"'I'm scared of most people,' Alex said.

'That's a whole other- Okay, but you're also specifically scared of me.'

'I mean- It's not... I mean you're in my house and we're talking, I'm not that scared.'

'I know, otherwise you presumably wouldn't be working for me either. But like, it's- I don't know when it all started. I thought- Fuck, I don't know. When I left the Valley last time, to go to Zuzu, you didn't seem scared of me, Alex. You were an angry little shit. But the more I think about it, the more it's like, well...maybe some of the things you said were just... Fuck, I feel like I'm going insane.'

'What?' Alex said.

'There's a lot of shit you've said to me over the years which would make sense if you really hated everything about me,' Sebastian said, 'but would also make sense if you were defensive around me and didn't know how to...deal with that. Like, when you have to keep someone at arm's length, because you're...'

'...Afraid of them,' Alex finished the sentence for him."

*

You'd best believe the whole of the next chapter is just Sebastian and Alex time!

I'm in ur Tumblrs, posting excerpts for this story (god I really do just show exactly how ancient I am when I talk like this sometimes, okay boomer (derogatory-at-self) (I'm not a boomer but 'geriatric millennial' sounds like 'okay Billy just let me get my walking stick')

Chapter 19: Nobody Really Knew Him

Notes:

A day early because I'm out tomorrow when I normally post the chapter :D (For those wondering, the schedule is once every two weeks on a Sunday evening for me, which is a Sunday morning for most of you, depending on your hemisphere!) Oof

Currently recovering from food poisoning so I'm glad I can feed fanfic to myself instead sldakjskaljd

Alex chose silence, because Sebastian hadn't asked him a question, and no way was he going to talk about how Sebastian being close to him, doing that to him, had done his fucking head in. He wouldn't put it past his brain to have made him sick on purpose, just so he could avoid thinking about it. Now that he was recovering from the virus and all that sleep he'd needed, he thought about it more and more. The feeling of being walled in, the feeling of Sebastian's strength in front of him, around him, Sebastian's voice by his ear, making demands and talking to him like that. Alex thought he should hate it, because it shared aspects with his father's behaviours, but he really didn't hate it half as much as he should. 

'It must have freaked you out,' Sebastian said, and Alex kept his face blank and waited. 'Because you're scared of me, and you still had- You still had a response. It's... I feel like you might find this patronising, but it honestly seems like you've never talked to a single person about any of your personal stuff, except maybe Haley, and even then, not about being gay, right?'

Alex nodded once, curtly, because if he gave Sebastian some flippant, sarcastic response right now, the guy would lose his mind. Alex also wanted to hear what he had to say.

'Yeah, so, I'm not trying to patronise you, I promise. But like, when you're gay, I- Like... Shit. It's normal to sometimes just have responses around other guys. Especially… Especially when it’s new. I'm not taking it personally or anything. If you were worried about that.'

Dual emotions springing up inside of him. Relief so profound Alex could have whooped out loud with how glad he was that Sebastian just thought it was a random dick-getting-hard response instead of something very specific to the guy he'd made “I'm in love with you” chocolate chip cookies for. But alongside it was a profound sense of loss. Sebastian had no idea, and Alex didn't want him to know, but he craved so deeply to be closer to Sebastian, to...share more with him. Sebastian was so obviously not interested in that. He had other guys in his life, probably really attractive ones. He'd been married before. No way did he want someone who didn't work a proper full-time job and wasn't shiny and smart and successful. He'd once had farmer Martingale, the richest man in town, and then probably other city dudes who had their shit together. 

'Like, I was being a dick on purpose,' Sebastian said, 'because I was frustrated and...I wanted- I guess I wanted confirmation, and I got it in a couple of ways. But I'm sorry for confronting you like that. And for whatever part I had in you getting sick.'

'Oh,' Alex said, because it hadn't occurred to him Sebastian would feel bad about any of it. 'None of it's... That's not your fault. I just got sick. Pretty stupid. As for the confrontation thing, I don't know if you need to apologise, man. Didn't you say you were a dickhead then too?'

'I wasn't apologising for it then,' Sebastian said, smiling. It was cute and charming, and Alex inhaled through a tight chest and broke off to cough in hacking motions, his sleeve coming up and covering his mouth. He waved Sebastian back when he asked if he could do anything. The coughing abated, Alex took some deeper breaths, then sighed in frustration. 

'I really have to start working out again.'

'You can always use my gym, you know,' Sebastian said. 'Stay an hour after cleaning and do it. It's not as good as the one up the mountain path, but I think it's better than what you have here.'

'It's way better.'

'So come use it.' 

Alex didn't know what to think. He pushed back in the armchair and looked towards the fireplace instead. So, Sebastian had apologised for scaring him, had sort of apologised for...giving him a boner? Hilarious. Alex's life was fucking hilarious. 

'I'm thinking about changing my hours, maybe. Not when it comes to working at your place,' Alex added quickly. 'But like, Dr Harvey said I probably needed more daylight or something, said getting some sunlight was kind of important. Do you think it would be weird if I did that?'

'I mean I don't have an opinion either way,' Sebastian said. 'You can change the hours you clean if you need to. Are you wanting to see more of the morning? Or the afternoon?'

'I don't know. I used to be a morning person, but I don't want to see the morning from like, the side of going to bed at 8 or 9 AM. That always feels weird. So I guess the afternoon, because then it's like I wake up to some daylight maybe?'

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'Also, I’m so curious but were you like...into David at all? I was thinking about it and you both kind of have a lot in common.'

Alex kept looking at the fireplace. His chest ached. He didn't think it was from the coughing. There was a particular ache that belonged to Sebastian alone. 

'Um, he's okay,' Alex said. 'But I'm- I'm not really looking.'

'Why?' 

Because you're standing here in the living room and it's literally doing way more for me than a date with a random dude would ever do. 

'Just not in the right headspace, I think. Y'know, with...my grandparents.'

'Right. Sorry. Of course.'

Alex felt dirty, using his grandparents as an excuse when he'd let Sebastian touch him however he wanted right now. Let him push him up against a wall again while fearing he was broken inside. He stared down at his hands, the picked skin around his fingernails, and wished he could summon the bravado he used to have, but it melted away around Sebastian. He felt exposed around him, like he needed to put on more layers. 

'You had like, almost no food when we came over to check on you,' Sebastian said. 'I'm going to keep making you something to eat after you clean at mine. But like, you need to actually eat.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said, feeling numb. 

'Can we talk about you being like...actually scared of me?' 

Alex finally looked up at him. He didn't think he'd ever be prepared for the intensity of Sebastian's eye contact when he looked serious. He was always so intent. Alex wanted to say he wasn't afraid, wanted to redirect, and instead he had to look away again. 

'I'm scared of most people,' Alex said. 

'That's a whole other- Okay, but you're also specifically scared of me.' 

'I mean- It's not... I mean you're in my house and we're talking, I'm not that scared.' 

'I know, otherwise you presumably wouldn't be working for me either. But like, it's- I don't know when it all started. I thought- Fuck, I don't know. When I left the Valley last time, to go to Zuzu, you didn't seem scared of me, Alex. You were an angry little shit. But the more I think about it, the more it's like, well...maybe some of the things you said were just... Fuck, I feel like I'm going insane.'

'What?' Alex said. 

'There's a lot of shit you've said to me over the years which would make sense if you really hated everything about me,' Sebastian said, 'but would also make sense if you were defensive around me and didn't know how to...deal with that. Like, when you have to keep someone at arm's length, because you're...' 

'...Afraid of them,' Alex finished the sentence for him. 

'Also, you should probably eat something,' Sebastian said. 

'I'm good.'

'Then you should feel good enough to eat,' Sebastian said, walking into the kitchen. 'You can try some of Mom's rice pudding. I'll heat it up.'

'Wait,' Alex said, standing. 'I can do-'

'I mean you're not doing it,' Sebastian said, as he opened the fridge. Alex followed him into the kitchen. 

'I fucking eat.'

'Dude, you used to be pretty ripped, and then I saw you like, after your grandparents and you've changed a lot.'

'That's just a gym thing,' Alex said, frustrated. He worried that maybe Sebastian thought he was even uglier now. Maybe he really had to work out more. Maybe that's why Sebastian was offering his gym. 

'It's so not,' Sebastian said. He took a small pot out from the cupboard and dumped some rice pudding inside and set it on the stovetop. He seemed as adept in Alex's kitchen as he was in his own. 

'You're so fucking pushy. I had no idea you were like this.'

'It was the only way I could get Wentworth to eat sometimes,' Sebastian said, focusing on stirring the rice. 'He'd skip breakfast, skip dinner, just eat whenever. It was infuriating.'

'Yeah, so your marriage to him sounds...weird? You never want to talk about it.'

'I didn't want to talk about it in general, I didn't want to talk about it specifically with you, because I thought you were a homophobic piece of shit.' 

'Right. Okay, yeah, makes sense.'

Sebastian shot him a dry, unimpressed look and turned back to the stove. 'I thought you were just trying to get more fuel to use against me. Like, you finding out some of my worst qualities in a relationship? I did not want to know how you'd weaponise them.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said, cringing internally. 

'I have the weirdest feeling you just don't really do that anymore,' Sebastian said, sighing. 'But I still don't like talking about it. That marriage was... Like, it doesn't feel good to know that your spouse used magic to get out of a relationship with you. It's not like we had to get married in the first place. I didn’t ask for that, he was the one who proposed. And it's a big deal, you know, to commit to something permanent. Now that I've lived in Zuzu, I know divorce is a bit more common, but it's still not like... Like, you still need magic to annul a marriage, and you're shit out of luck if you can't use it, or don't know someone doing dark magic. Because it's dark magic.' 

'What?' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'It wasn't like he went to the Wizard and got just a regular spell. He went into the Witch's lair and... I mean you can get rid of your children in that lair. Like, turn them into doves, make everyone forget they ever existed. That's the level of magic it was.'

Alex felt sick thinking about it. 'Good thing my dad never knew about it,' Alex said hoarsely. 

'Yeah, I thought the same thing when it came to Demetrius,' Sebastian said. 'I don't know if he would... I mean he doesn't believe in magic anyway, and thinks enchantments are like... cheating and betraying his science because he doesn't understand how it works yet. But maybe he would use it. Not a nice thing to think about. And yeah, I think your dad would've totally used it.' 

Sebastian looked over his shoulder at Alex, who was now seated at the table. Alex shrugged. 

'I can stir rice pudding, you know,' Alex said. 'Since you think I'm so fucking scrawny, might as well do something for my forearms.'

Sebastian laughed, shook his head, kept stirring. 'It always felt a bit like Wentworth had one foot out of the door anyway. I think that's just him. He once said he thought about dating everyone in the town at the same time just to see what would happen, which was really...weird. Like, who thinks like that? And he sort of laughed and brushed it off, but you could see that he just wanted to know, and he totally would’ve done it if he wasn’t worried about everyone getting pissed at him for it. He's so curious about things, but in this really unemotional way. I thought we had that in common, but...I still wanted to see Maru when I moved out. I still wanted to see my mom, my friends, and Wentworth didn't want to see anyone and sometimes shoved a whole bunch of gifts in his pack and just went on horseback to everyone he wanted to visit. He never spent more than about ten minutes with people at a time.' 

'So what was it about him? Like, what did you like about him?' 

'In the beginning, he really wanted to understand me better. He asked me about my work. He even played some TTRPG stuff with us, though he only ever did it like three times, and then never again. He wouldn’t even let Sam and Abi come over to play at his farm. But back then he stood in the rain with me by the beach. Which sounds stupid, but I like doing that kind of thing. He'd give me these quartz crystals that I used to think were so pretty until I realised they're really common and also kind of worthless. But he knew I liked them, so he got them for me. Like, if nothing else, that took up room in his pack and he's super concerned with being efficient, so it was important to him - at least for while - that he make room just to get me these things that otherwise didn't really matter to him.' 

Sebastian turned off the stove and got out a bowl, pouring in the rice pudding. He went to the cupboard and brought out the strawberry jam that had been there for months and took a small spoon from the cutlery drawer and put a scoop of jam on the rice pudding, and then handed the bowl and the spoon to Alex. 

'It's really hot,' he said. 

'Aren't you having anything?'

'No, I ate before coming over. And I can't handle the texture of rice pudding. No shade if you hate it, but Maru swears by it as a comfort food when she feels sick. So I thought...maybe you'd like it too. She used to have a crush on you, way back when.'

'What?' Alex said, staring at the steaming rice pudding and knowing that'd be way too hot to put in his mouth. 'No, she didn't.'

'I mean, she stopped once she realised you and I were like...mortal enemies. But yeah, she did.'

'I literally never had anything to do with her though,' Alex said, perplexed. 'We barely know each other.'

'I know,' Sebastian said. 'Crushes don't always make sense. She once told me that she saw you gathering sweet peas in summer, and just like, stroking the flower petals, and she said it started around then. I didn't believe her at the time – that a guy like you could care about that stuff – but now that I've seen the flowers in your grandparent's room that you keep putting out for them... Anyway, I don't know, you like sweet peas?' 

'Yeah, what, can't a guy like flowers?' 

'Alex,' Sebastian said, softly chiding, like there was no need for him to be so defensive. It strained lightly at Alex’s chest. He scowled and scooped up some of the rice pudding, then blew on it gently. He cautiously tried some, worried he'd hate it because it was something Sebastian hated. Instead he tasted creamy soft sweetness, with a slight tart flavour from the jam. He ate another spoonful immediately and burned his mouth. 

'Ow.' 

'Yeah, it'll stay like that for a while,' Sebastian said, smiling. 'It's like lava. But you like it?' 

'It's really fucking good,' Alex said. ‘It’s so nice. Like custard but...not.' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'I hate custard too.' 

Alex shook his head, they shared a smile, and Alex wanted to cover his face with both his hands and scream. Instead, he ate carefully around the outside of the bowl, where the rice was cooler. 

'I like flowers, yeah,' Alex said finally. 'Sweet peas are my favourite. I mean, summer's my favourite season, so seeing them come up is like...a reminder that the best time of year is here. But I like daffodils too, and crocuses - they were Grandma's favourite - and, um, I just like them. Grandma taught me about most of them, my mom taught me about some too. She always liked to watch the seasons turn by the flowers that were in bloom. I guess they just remind me of her. But they're also just...I don't know, pretty and...um.' 

He looked up nervously, worried Sebastian might be judging him, but his expression was soft, his head tilted as he watched Alex. 

'What?' Alex said. 

'Nothing, just... I don't know, not a side of you that I knew existed until right now.' 

'Oh, yeah. Whatever. What, like you hate flowers?'

'I mean, I don't love them,' Sebastian said drily. 'I prefer frogs.' 

'God, you're so fucking weird,' Alex said, laughing to himself. 'But the frogs you have in that pond are super cute. Just a bunch of little guys hanging out. When did you realise you liked frogs?'

'Super young,' Sebastian said. 'I was awful about it. I scared mom with them, and I remember I once tried to scare Maru with one, but she got super curious and wanted to hold it too and I got jealous because they were meant to be my thing.'

Alex shook his head, smiling at the image. 'So you were a little terror, is what you're saying.'

'I really was,' Sebastian said. 

You still are, sometimes.

'I still am, sometimes,' Sebastian said. 

'I was just about to say that,' Alex said. 

'No, you weren't,' Sebastian laughed. 'I could tell you were thinking something like it though. I'd pay good money to get a window into your internal monologue. This guy who likes sweet peas and my mom's rice pudding.' 

Alex shrugged, felt warm and pleased, scared for liking it so much. Everything in his life felt fragile right now, including his relationship with his own body. More than anything, he wanted to keep spending time with Sebastian like this, but he couldn't stop thinking of the fact that Sebastian had invited his friends over and made Alex clean in front of them, and that probably hadn't been an accident, and... and it had felt pretty humiliating. Especially when Abigail had just stared at him. 

Sebastian almost never brought them up around him, either. He'd talked way more about Maru and his mom. 

'As for Wentworth,' Sebastian said softly, 'I think maybe I would have gotten with just about anyone to get out of that basement. It didn't hurt that he was liquid...uh, I mean he had money, and he was happy for Mom to put an extension on his home for me, and I got space outside, and like...yeah. But we could be nasty to each other, really nasty. I criticised his business sense because his only acumen for business is to work hard and that's it.'

Alex had no idea what acumen meant. He didn't know what 'liquid' meant and he had no idea why it would mean having money. Sometimes he wanted to ask questions about stuff like that, but his dad always hated it, and along the way, he'd just stopped. 

'I kept trying to get him to work smarter, I guess, but in the ways I wanted to do things. It was like I saw his farm and I saw all the things wrong with it, and suddenly I had these strong opinions on how to manage it. They weren't bad ideas, they just weren't his ideas. He got frustrated with me too, with how much I worked, the fact that sometimes he'd want to spend time with me - on a rare occasion - and I'd be in front of the computer or focusing on something else. It was like the marriage gave us permission to grow apart, instead of making us build something stronger. But honestly, I was fine with it in my own way, I had no idea - no idea - the divorce was coming. And it doesn't even happen like- It's not like he warned me, it's like the magic gets done and...' 

Alex stared at him, the rice pudding forgotten, but Sebastian just glowered darkly at the ground and shook his head. 

'I know almost nothing about my dad, but I know it was shitty when he left Mom. And it turns out knowing something about a guy doesn't help when they abandon you. It's still shit. In some ways it's worse.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 'It sounds...not great.' 

'Well, I think the marriage for him wasn't great either,' Sebastian said sighing. 'Having to be an adult about it all sucks, honestly. But getting petty revenges against him didn't help much either. So whatever. It's done now, anyway. I'll never get with him again. The sex was okay, but I have a higher sex drive than he does, and I don't really like having to wait around a house until my partner comes home at one in the morning to fuck.'

Alex's cheeks burned, and he focused on the rice pudding again. But Sebastian changed the subject to his mom's cooking, and that was a relief, because Alex's mind was filled with thoughts of Martingale and Sebastian having sex, and that made him think of the way Sebastian had cornered him against a wall, and that made him think of all kinds of things he shouldn't be thinking about. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Waiting in Your Line:

"'It's not about kindness,' Sebastian added. 'It's not mean to share information about something you're interested in.'

'Seems like it's just forcing someone to-'

'What force?' Sebastian said, looking angrier now. 'How are you forcing me to do anything? I can tell you to shut up, and you know I will if I really feel like it. Like, come on, it's me. I'm not going to make myself listen to stuff I don't want to listen to. I'm impatient, grumpy, and short-tempered. I was interested. I'm not- Like, we don't have to have something to eat after you finish a shift. I wasn't doing that with my other cleaners.'

'Is this the whole...you thinking we could be friends?'

'Do you think we can't be friends?'

'I don't know,' Alex said, feeling trapped. 'Seems like I hurt you a fuckton in high school! So-'

'-Look who's talking,' Sebastian said, and his voice changed, became darker, more forbidding. Alex felt locked into place. 'Look who's talking, Alex. Seems like I hurt you in high school, so what, I should feel ashamed of myself forever now when I open my mouth around you?'"

*

Ooooooo he's got a point Alex

I'm over at Tumblr messing up the excerpts I'm posting and groaning tiredly about how life just doesn't stop being life sometimes

Chapter 20: Waiting in Your Line

Notes:

Gosh, chapter 20 already. Yeah, we’re definitely in for the long haul with these two!

For the US folk: Physiotherapy = physical therapist. Physio = PT. (And a personal trainer is called a PT here as well I guess because we have the acronym free since we're not using it for physio).

‘Have you thought more about making that appointment with Tim?’ Dr Harvey said, as he pushed his glasses up his nose and looked over Alex’s file.

Alex glared at nothing. He’d walked to the clinic today. It was late afternoon and he’d felt the sun on his skin like a weird blessing, but he hated the smell of doctor’s offices, and he didn’t want to be here. Apparently, his blood test results weren’t great either. He was low on iron, really low on vitamin D, low on some other shit, had to get some supplements and eat more fruit and vegetables and red meat. 

'Did your blood test results show where to get any of that stuff for cheap?' Alex said idly when Dr Harvey made the food recommendations, and he’d sighed.

'Marnie's got good connections with a butcher,' Dr Harvey said. 'But the reality is you're going to need supplements as well. Your vitamin D levels certainly didn't help with how hard that virus hit you, and neither did your iron. I suspect that might be particularly low because of the monster attack. I never saw how much blood you lost, Alex, but I assume from the size of the scar that it was a lot.' 

Alex looked down at the red scar. He tried not to think about that night. He had nightmares about it sometimes when he wasn't having nightmares about other dumb shit.

He definitely didn't want to see some shrink about it. He didn't need some guy to tell him he was nuts. He could tell himself that for free. 

'Tim has availability at the moment,' Dr Harvey said, looking over a scheduler on his computer screen. 

'I'm not- I can't... I can't afford it,' Alex said, feeling like he'd stumbled onto a winner. 

Dr Harvey grimaced like maybe Alex had raised a good point. And that, weirdly, made Alex feel guilty, because he just didn’t want to go see some dumb shrink.

'I mean maybe I could though,’ Alex hedged. ‘When I'm properly back at work. I start again in a couple of days. So like- Maybe then.'

Dr Harvey looked over at him, and Alex wondered why doctor's offices always had to look like places where horrible things were done to people. It wasn't like everything had to be white. Surely something could be sterile and cosy. It was like doctors wanted their patients to feel awful, not realising the patients were generally only ever there because they, well, felt awful, or were about to. 

'If you wanted,' Dr Harvey said, leaning back in his ergonomic chair, 'you could come over sometimes and we could chat. Like...friends. I'm no therapist and I'm not pretending to be one, but sometimes it can help to just have someone to talk to about the things in your life that you're struggling with, especially when it's someone you don't really see the rest of the time. Would you consider doing something like that?'

'What, you want to waste your time talking to me?'

Dr Harvey just looked at him for long enough that Alex knew he probably should've thought about what he said before he actually said it. He hunched down. 

'This is, of course, why I think you might benefit from seeing Tim,' Dr Harvey said. 'It wouldn't be a waste of my time. I came to respect you a lot when I was helping your grandparents. It wasn't like I thought poorly of you before, I didn't know you very well, which I realised as time went by is how everyone seems to be when it comes to you. But I saw you were bright and capable and forward-thinking. Maybe you could try chatting with someone?'

'I don't really do that. I mean- I already talk to Haley and Sebastian.'

'You didn't tell either one of them that you were coming down with something,' Dr Harvey said, a hint of sternness entering his voice. Yeah, Alex had no chance of getting out of this.

'Look, I... I mean, I just- I don't really get along with doctors,' Alex said finally. 'It's not personal, and you're great, like- Really great. But I just...' 

I'm fucking terrified of most people, why would I want to talk to them?

Dr Harvey nodded thoughtfully. 'What do you think would be better right now for you? We could chat upstairs, or you could book something with Tim. I know your preference is to leave it, and perhaps we'll realise that you're doing fine after a couple of conversations. But anyone would need someone to talk to after a loss like yours.' 

Alex nodded. He couldn't really disagree. He wanted to be fine, but his chest still ached sometimes first thing in the morning, and he tried to lift some weights the day before and had to take off the current weights he'd been benching, and halve the amount, and he still struggled. It was ridiculous. 

'I guess...I could talk with you,' Alex said. 'But only if you're okay with it. And if it's as friends, you have to talk about your stuff as well. Otherwise you're just trying to be a free therapist.'

Dr Harvey hesitated, and his smile seemed almost shy. 'That sounds quite nice. All right. I usually finish my appointments in the mid-afternoon, and then I'm on-call but can mostly do what I wish after that. What time works for you?' 

That was how Alex ended up with a weird kind of talking-friend-appointment with Dr Harvey. He didn't feel as awful about it as he thought he would on the way home, but he sure as shit didn't love taking home four different bottles with supplements inside of them. Protein shakes? Sure. Supplements because he didn't have enough fucking iron in his body? Goddamn it. He knew Grandma Evelyn would be so disappointed if she knew. She'd be cooking up liver and onions for him, and spinach, and Dr Harvey said they were way past trying to fix this solely with diet. Dumb. 

He felt like he'd failed. 

He put the supplements in the kitchen and sank down on the chair and looked around his house and saw memories of Sebastian in every room. For the first time, he didn't think first of Grandma Evelyn, or Grandpa George, but of Sebastian sitting by the fireplace on the rug or standing by the stove and making the rice pudding. Alex got up and reheated some of the spaghetti Haley had brought over for him, standing by the stovetop, and thinking about Sebastian's voice, his smile, his gaze, him talking about his high fucking sex drive.

Since becoming interested in Sebastian, he'd tried not to think about his sex life at all, and then thought about it way too much. For the longest time he assumed Sebastian was kind of...not really interested in sex. He didn't know why he thought that, because ever since Sebastian said he had a high sex drive, he could kind of see it. The way Sebastian seemed familiar with touching him, or pushing him back against a wall, the way he'd reached out and just grabbed Alex's shirt...

Sebastian wasn't even trying to turn him on, he just did it naturally. 

And Alex... 

Alex had known for a while now that he probably wasn't a top. That's what they called it, right? A top? He hated thinking about that side of things too. Hated thinking of the way his dad would've treated him if he'd known any of this. Hated thinking of his mom, talking to him about how he was going to marry Haley when he was older. If she knew Alex was gay, she would’ve given him that look she gave him when he was a kid sometimes. Like he was just...beyond her help, even though she wanted to help him. 

She loved him, and he knew that. But he also knew she sometimes struggled with the way he processed things at school, and she was raised to be a faithful servant of Yoba. He couldn't see her understanding why he was into guys. It was a horrible thing to think about his mom, but it was probably better that she'd died and never gotten to know this side of him. 

Alex hated knowing this side of himself too. 

The fact was, he couldn't imagine being the one to take the lead with any guy at all, even Sebastian. It wasn't just a lack of confidence; it just didn't turn him on to think about. He'd started off imagining pushing Sebastian down to his knees, but it had flipped so quickly, when Alex had the best orgasm of his life as a teen imagining the opposite. Imagining Sebastian's hand scrunched in his hair, even imagining him being cruel, which Alex hated, didn't want, but made his dick so fucking hard. 

Sebastian casually dropping information about having a high sex drive was messing with him. Maybe he did need to have a date with someone else just to... Just to...

Maybe he could just jerk off. He'd stopped for ages. It just felt wrong. He always thought about Sebastian when he did it, even when he tried not to. So it just felt weird now, to jerk off while thinking about his boss. 

'Goddamn it,' Alex whispered to the spaghetti.

The hand not on the wooden spoon drifted down and pressed over his half-hard dick, and he sighed. He missed orgasms, but he didn't think he could get off and then see Sebastian in a couple of days knowing he fantasised about the guy like that.  

'What good even are you?' Alex murmured, not knowing if he was talking to his dick, or himself.

*

Alex realised he had a big problem about twenty minutes into cleaning Sebastian's, when he had to stop and cough because the fumes from the cleaning supplies were so strong. He opened up the bathroom window, but it was a cold day, and once he'd finished the bathroom he ended up leaning against the wall and staring around the rest of the house. What the fuck? Why did he feel like this? He'd had time to recover. He knew he was low on iron and shit, but he'd been fine with cleaning until now. 

It took him longer than usual to finish, and by the time he was done, he came down into the kitchen and Sebastian took one look at him and made a face. 

'You look fucked.'

'I'm fucked,' Alex agreed. 

'You came back to work too soon.'

'I don't get it at all,' Alex said, sitting down at the kitchen table. 'I don't get it. Is this normal after getting a virus? I don't remember this from when I was a kid and had colds and shit.'

'Did you nearly die from those colds?' Sebastian said, getting up and pulling a sandwich out of the fridge like magic. Alex nearly laughed to see it. He was too tired to pretend he didn't want it today, he really needed something to eat. 

'No, but like... I mean- That's not... That's not how that works.' 

'Hate to break it to you, but sometimes that's exactly how it works,' Sebastian said. 'When I was doing mining back in Zuzu, I got really hurt once. I was rescued almost immediately because I was in a team, but the recovery took forever. When I went back to mining, I got tired a lot at the beginning. Like my muscles just didn't know what to do. It doesn't last.'

'I fucking hate it,' Alex said, biting into the sandwich. 

'Don't like feeling weak, huh? That tracks with you being all macho.' 

'Says the guy who literally has a home gym,' Alex said around a mouthful of lettuce, bread and tomato. He swallowed quickly and then laughed. 'Shit, how am I supposed to use your home gym anyway? When I feel like this?'

'Maybe you'll feel like it next time, or the time after,' Sebastian said. He seemed to be in a good mood today. Alex wasn't sure why. But now that he was eating the sandwich, and drinking apple juice, he kind of looked forward to these weird lunchtime debriefs after every shift. 

'Maybe,' Alex said. 'It'd better happen soon.' 

'Hey,' Sebastian said. 'You're pretty good at the training thing, aren't you? David mentioned something about like...injuring his shoulder, how he'd told you about it, and you told him to look after his rotator cuff, which was exactly what his physiotherapist said to him. You ever thought about doing that kind of thing?' 

'What, like personal training? Physiotherapy?' Alex said. 'Yeah, of course.'

Sebastian seemed surprised, and Alex wiped crumbs off the corners of his mouth as he thought it over.

'Those things... Those things need courses, you know, to get qualified. I'm not- Like you've said it before a thousand times, I'm pretty fucking stupid. And on top of that, I like- I struggle to read stuff without getting headaches. I know there's less reading in those kinds of courses, but there's still some. I looked. All of them have essay requirements and shit. Essays mean reading, and writing, and editing. I just... Um. Like I can read, but...' 

'I know you can read,' Sebastian said, quietly reinforcing it, and Alex hadn't realised how defensive he sounded. Yeah, of course Sebastian knew that. 

'Anyway,' Alex said. 'We'll leave the smart shit to people like you, yeah?' 

He laughed, and Sebastian didn't. Alex drank some juice to try and cover the fact that this part of the conversation wasn't really going the way it should. 

'I didn't realise you'd looked into it,' Sebastian said, and then he made a sound of frustration that made Alex tense. 'I mean- I don't know you...that well, so I don't know why I think I should know these things. Sorry.' 

Sorry. 

What was Alex supposed to do with that? 

'But you knew about the rotator cuff,' Sebastian said finally. 'So you obviously... You've looked stuff up about the body?'

'Anatomy pictures are way easier,' Alex said, thinking about all the diagrams he'd looked at. Remembering the names of the muscles, and parts of the body, was harder. But for a while he got really obsessed with it. He wanted to be able to talk about that stuff like a pro, in case a head-hunter for gridball ever came to Pelican Town. Which, in retrospect, wow did he have an arrogant idea of how good he was at sports. Like for real, he was just a gym rat.

He wasn't even that anymore, either. 

'Also there's like text-to-speech on my phone. I don't use it much,' Alex said. 'But back when I did cardio - because I fucking hate cardio - I used to just turn it on for certain articles and essays and stuff. I learned a lot about like...how many knee repair surgeries are totally unnecessary, and the outcomes are the same based on whether you get the surgery or just do the same amount of physiotherapy anyway. There're some exceptions, like ACLs and stuff. But like, meniscus tears- You know what the meniscus is, right?'

'The knee?'

'Well, kind of,' Alex said. 'Not exactly. You actually have them not just in your knees, but also your wrists and jaw and around your sternum and clavicles, but like. Yeah, so take the knee meniscus. It tears sometimes and can cause really bad pain for some people. Bad enough they usually want surgery to fix it. The problem is, it gets really low blood-flow compared to most of the rest of your body, and low blood-flow means it heals really slowly, and sometimes not really at all. This is true with like, the original injury, and it's true if you get surgery for it. Slow-ass fucking recoveries. What they've found is... unless your knee is literally locking in place from the tear, you probably shouldn't get the surgery at all, and just rest carefully and start in with some physiotherapy. The outcomes will be the same, if not better, than not getting the meniscus repair. Because then you don't have to deal with additional arthritis in the future from surgeons messing with a joint.'

'I had no idea,' Sebastian said, staring at him. 

Alex realised how much he'd said. It was the most he'd ever talked to Sebastian at one time, and he felt embarrassed, nerding out like that around someone. He stared at his plate, wishing he hadn't polished off the sandwich so fast, because it'd be nice to have something to hide behind. 

'Um. Sorry. Just...going on like that,' Alex said. 'Didn't mean to.'

'No, I mean- It's interesting. I was interested.' 

'Ha, yeah, sure. No, um, the short version is basically that I listen to stuff, sometimes. Science could've changed since then anyway. It's been a while since I've done cardio.' 

'You explained it really well.' 

Yeah, by just shoving information at you for fucking ever. 

'Do you...' Sebastian hesitated, then tapped the side of his glass of juice. 'You know it's fine to talk about stuff you're interested in, right? Like, Haley has no problems with it, does she?'

'I wouldn't bother her with a lot of this stuff,' Alex said. 'Like, that's not... It's not a kind thing to do.'

'A kind thing?' Sebastian said, sounding baffled now. 'I don't get it.' 

'No, it's just- There's a time and place to talk about things. So if she asks me about it, I'll tell her, but if she doesn't then like, why bore her?'

'Look, I used to live with three of the best info-dumpers on the planet. Mom can talk about the properties of hardwood for about fifty years without stopping. Don't get me started on Demetrius because he's a pedant to boot. "Tomatoes are a fruit so they should go in a fruit salad” like, get fucked, Demetrius. And Maru can talk about conductivity and electrical impulses in her robots until her voice goes hoarse. Yoba's ass, even I can go on if someone gets me started about child elements - not literal children by the way - or something else to do with annoying or bad coding or development. There're conferences held for people in my line of work and it's pretty common for rant panels to exist, to just...rant about shit. And even when not ranting, I can talk a lot about the best ways to organise information, or about how Excel isn't a database...

'My point is that, like, it's normal to talk about the things you're excited over. I thought you knew that. I'm not mad that you talked to me about physiotherapy.'

'Yeah,' Alex said, not knowing what to say. Not knowing how to describe what memories came up when he thought about getting too excited about something, and his dad having a problem with it. Or listening to his mom get excited about something, and his dad having a problem with it. Also no one wanted to listen to a gym junkie talk about whether a thirty second or ninety second rest between sets was better. 

'It's not about kindness,' Sebastian added. 'It's not mean to share information about something you're interested in.' 

'Seems like it's just forcing someone to-'

'What force?' Sebastian said, looking angrier now. 'How are you forcing me to do anything? I can tell you to shut up, and you know I will if I really feel like it. Like, come on, it's me. I'm not going to make myself listen to stuff I don't want to listen to. I'm impatient, grumpy, and short-tempered. I was interested. I'm not- Like, we don't have to have something to eat after you finish a shift. I wasn't doing that with my other cleaners.'

'Is this the whole...you thinking we could be friends?'

'Do you think we can't be friends?' 

'I don't know,' Alex said, feeling trapped. 'Seems like I hurt you a fuckton in high school! So-'

'-Look who's talking,' Sebastian said, and his voice changed, became darker, more forbidding. Alex felt locked into place. 'Look who's talking, Alex. Seems like I hurt you in high school, so what, I should feel ashamed of myself forever now when I open my mouth around you?'

'No, I didn't say that. I'm just-'

'-You told me that you hate yourself,' Sebastian said. 'That's what you're doing. Maybe you think it's kind to other people to do that, but it's not. You don't talk to me about anything much at all, and like, it's not...' 

He stopped, took a deep breath. He looked like he was trying to calm himself down. Alex thought about leaving, but every minute extra he got around Sebastian was one he wanted to take. 

'Maybe I asked about what you knew about the body, and rotator cuffs, because I think my form is off for some of my exercises and the internet tells me about 50 different things and I want to get better, not learn how to do something the wrong way. Maybe I wanted to improve on my form. The only person who I think could handle that here – short of someone driving in – is you.'

Oh. 

'Huh,' Alex said, feeling like an idiot. 

'I feel like that's truer now,' Sebastian said, laughing softly, 'after listening to you talk about a subject you clearly have just researched for fun? Meanwhile you're backpedalling yourself into a ditch. I wish I could just tell you to stop, but I know that's not how mental stuff works. But like, damn, Alex.' 

Alex stared at him. 

'Okay, I could've gone about this better,' Sebastian said, and Alex couldn't follow where his brain was going, and why it was going there. 'Look, thanks for telling me all that stuff about the meniscus, I really had no idea and I'm someone who would've just thought surgery fixes things like that every time. Would you consider staying back after a shift, and you know, using my gym, but maybe also checking over my form? You don't have to. And obviously you can use the home gym yourself and I don't have to be in there either. And you can tell me to see a professional and I will. But I'm not injured, and I can exercise, I just feel like with deadlifts and stuff in particular, I have no idea what I'm doing. So like, will you help me?'

Helping Sebastian in his home gym. Watching Sebastian in gym clothes - fuck, it was hard to imagine him in anything other than his black head-to-toe bullshit goth style that made Alex mildly horny every time he saw a black turtleneck sweater - and working out and like, helping his form.

Fuck. Alex was doomed. The whole scenario sounded hot. He was going to have to tape his dick down or something. Or at least tire it out. What the hell was he going to do? He'd never really gone through a randy teenager phase, but he thought he was about to find out what it was like.

'Sure,' Alex said, his voice cracking like he was sixteen years old again. 'Sure, I'll help you.' 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Moving to Mute My Memories:

"'What are you gonna do though?' Haley said, as Alex handed her a bowl of spaghetti with no cheese. He really had to get some. He missed it, though he didn't eat it much, but spaghetti Bolognese didn't feel right without it. 'You're not going to be alone for the rest of your life, are you?'

'What about you?'

'This isn't about me,' Haley said quickly.

Alex smirked. 'Aw, Haley, you're not going to be alone for the rest of your life, are you?'

'I hope not. I'm at least considering my options. You have one egg and you put it in one goth basket. And that basket is like... okay, he's gay, you’ve got that part figured out at least. But do you have any kind of back-up plan?'

'I don't have a front…up plan,' Alex said. 'There's no fucking plan. I'm- I have... Just because I have some feelings, doesn't mean I actually want a relationship.'

Or believe that one is possible."

*

This month I'm smashing out a lot of chapters of this story (like seriously, I'm hoping to write like 4-6), so if you want to see excerpts from future chapters, my Tumblr is the place to be (or the place to quietly stalk sometimes)

Chapter 21: Moving to Mute My Memories

Notes:

I'm listening to Bette Davis Eyes by Jodie Mitchell, goddamn that's a great song. It's becoming spring here (Western Australia), or it is spring, it's basically spring and everything outside is flowering and it's like...just past dusk, and it's mosquito season which I don't love because I'm getting increasingly allergic to them.

ANYWAY, let's get this chapter posted :D

Alex wasn't well enough to do sessions in Sebastian's home gym for about two weeks. It took that long just to get his stamina for cleaning back, which drove him up the wall. He couldn't believe how much condition he'd lost. 

He wished it was spring, even summer, so he could go down to the beach. It was so cold, he just wanted to hibernate. Then he thought of all the supplements he had to take and maybe, just maybe, it was possible that the reason he was so tired all the time wasn't just that it was winter, but that he was recovering from some fuck-off virus and had stupid fuck-off depression. 

The high points in his week were going to Sebastian's to clean, and Haley dropping round. Things hadn't changed much since he'd come out to her, except that every now and then...

'So is anyone else hot in the town? By like, your standards?' Haley said, coming over around sunset, because Alex was experimenting with waking up earlier and enjoying the glimpses of afternoon sun he saw whenever it wasn't snowing. 

'Huh?' 

'Like, anyone at all?' 

'Hales,' Alex said reprovingly, staring at her.

'Alex,' she said, staring back at him. 

'Seriously? You want to like- You want to talk about who is hot in the Valley?'

'You know who I find hot in the Valley!' Haley exclaimed. 'It's not fair. I mean unless it's just Sebastian? But like, surely you have...people you think are all right to look at, don't you? Do you think Sam's hot?'

Alex opened his mouth, stuck his finger into the space, and mimicked gagging. Haley laughed, and Alex shrugged. 'He's not that bad, and then he opens his fucking mouth and it's like, "Shit, my mistake."' 

Haley was still laughing, and Alex couldn't help but smile. He was dishing up the spaghetti she'd brought over, thanks to Emily. It had frozen well, and it was a fuckton better than tinned food. 

'Anyone else?' Haley said. 

'Um. Shit- Oh hey, do you want cheese? Wait, we don't have any. Never mind. I guess Shane's okay.'

'Shane.' 

'Yeah, yeah, like this is all- What would you say? Hypothetical. Shane's okay to look at, you know. Aside from the fact that he's a booze factory, but whatever. If Elliott cut his hair, then like...maybe. Fuck, I don't know. I don't think of people this way, Haley. I tried for like ten seconds once, to see if I could get my mind off... Um. Yeah. It didn't work.' 

'What are you gonna do though?' Haley said, as Alex handed her a bowl of spaghetti with no cheese. He really had to get some. He missed it, though he didn't eat it much, but spaghetti Bolognese didn't feel right without it. 'You're not going to be alone for the rest of your life, are you?'

'What about you?'

'This isn't about me,' Haley said quickly. 

Alex smirked. 'Aw, Haley, you're not going to be alone for the rest of your life, are you?' 

'I hope not. I'm at least considering my options. You have one egg and you put it in one goth basket. And that basket is like... okay, he's gay, you’ve got that part figured out at least. But do you have any kind of back-up plan?'

'I don't have a front…up plan,' Alex said. 'There's no fucking plan. I'm- I have... Just because I have some feelings, doesn't mean I actually want a relationship.' 

Or believe that one is possible.

Fuck no, he never got that far in his imagination. It seemed excessive to imagine anything more than Sebastian sometimes hastily jerking him off, maybe because he was mad or something. He never got as far as thinking about what a relationship would look like. He didn't want to be hit by anyone again, and most of the people around him didn’t seem to enjoy their relationships. Aside from Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George, no other couple really seemed super happy in the town. 

Haley didn't say anything, they continued eating in comfortable silence. Eventually Haley started talking about her work, and Alex was glad for the change of subject. Stupidly, he found himself thinking of Sebastian' friend, David, and how if he was a different kind of guy, maybe he'd ask for David's number. But he wasn't that guy. He was the one who daydreamed about Sebastian pushing him up against a wall. He didn't know how to ask Haley if it was okay to be into fucked up stuff. 

Knowing her, she'd say that it was, as long as no one was getting hurt.

Alex didn't know how to feel about that either.

*

It was a kneejerk reaction to think model aeroplanes were uncool, and seeing a whole bunch of them at once while standing in Dr Harvey's living area for the first time in his life had a younger part of his brain wanting to speak up and make fun of it. But he kept his mouth shut, and walked over and looked at one more closely, and realised it took skill, and it looked kind of delicate and cool, and it wasn't like he was doing anything similar in his own life. He sighed and sat down at the table Dr Harvey waved him over to. The smell of coffee reminded him of Sebastian. 

Everything did. 

'It must seem like a strange hobby,' Dr Harvey said, looking over to one of the model planes. 

'Why do you do it?' 

Dr Harvey smiled and sat down, setting the cups of coffee on the table. 'When I was younger, I wanted to fly planes as a pilot. I realised quickly that you need very good eyesight for that, and it helps to not be afraid of heights. I'd make a rather poor pilot. But I still marvelled at the planes, the different types, and my mom got me a model as a gift – perhaps a consolation gift – and I just...enjoyed it. Making something whole from the little pieces is satisfying.' 

'Like a different kind of healing,' Alex said without really thinking. Dr Harvey's eyes widened, and Alex felt embarrassed, because what a stupid comparison. 'Sorry, it's probably nothing like that.'

'I've never thought of it that way before. But, you know, I think you might be right. Is the coffee all right?' 

'It's too hot for me,' Alex said, wanting to drink some to prove it would be fine, but knowing he'd burn his mouth. 'I don't know how folks like you do it.'

'I've grown used to it. How are you recovering after that virus?' 

'I'm...fine,' Alex said warily. 'Tired, I guess. I get tired fast doing the cleaning. It's annoying.'

'Yes, your body took quite a blow. I think it's likely you were neglecting it when George and Evelyn were sick. Sometimes that can be cumulative, you don't realise how much of yourself you've burnt through, until something like that virus.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said, wrapping his hands around the coffee mug. It had No. 1 Doctor on it, and Dr Harvey's mug said the same thing, but in a completely different font, with a different design. Alex looked between the two mugs and realised he had to get a ton of them as gifts. 

'I know this meeting must seem awkward,' Dr Harvey said. 'What's more comfortable for you? Would you rather I ask specific questions about how you're doing? Or would you rather volunteer the information?' 

'I mean, if those are my two options, then the first one.' 

'I wondered,' Dr Harvey said, smiling and leaning back in his chair. He looked relaxed in a way Alex had never witnessed before. 'I feel invasive bluntly asking you about things that are personal. I'm trying to set aside my job, but it's difficult.'

'Does that make it hard to have friends? The job?' 

'It's clever, the way you redirect like that. But yes, it can. I quite like Maru. She's very professional, but she's able to switch off during my lunch break. She helped me realise it's okay to...be myself sometimes.' 

Alex thought about Sebastian saying she'd had a crush on him after seeing him pick some sweet peas. He still didn't know what to think about it. He'd never given Maru much thought, and now felt guilty about it. Had he ever been dismissive to her without realising? He knew he could be abrupt, not talkative enough. Had she ever tried to start a conversation that he'd immediately shut down? He couldn't remember and felt bad because of it. 

'What about you, Alex? I know you're friends with Haley, and...potentially Sebastian?' 

Alex nodded, because Sebastian said they could be friends, that he wanted to be friends, so it wasn't a lie to say they were, was it? Felt weird, though. 

'Anyone else?'

'Nah,' Alex said, and knew Dr Harvey wanted him to say more about it. He sipped some of the coffee, and the taste was really good, like Sebastian's, but not quite as strong. These fancy fuckers with their fancy coffee. 'I guess... I mean, um, Willy, he's okay. Though I haven't seen him in a while. But he never seems to get annoyed when I don't see him, and he's helped me learn a lot about carpentry and basic repairs and shit. He's made boats and stuff, and he's surprisingly good at it. Like everyone talks about Robin, but Willy's pretty good at that stuff too.' 

'I don't know much about Willy, what's he like?' 

'He's a straight talker. He really loves fishing.' Alex laughed. 'He's pretty chill. He doesn't get angry, which is nice.'

'He does seem quite mild-mannered.' 

'Yeah, meanwhile Mayor Lewis lost his shit because I had to stop doing deliveries.'

Dr Harvey nodded and said: 'Did he reach out to you while you were sick?'

'No, man, why would he? Why would anyone? I was surprised Emily made some food for Haley to bring round. There's no reason for Mayor Lewis to have anything to do with me now that I'm not working for him.'

That's the way I prefer it. 

'I find him a bit challenging sometimes,' Dr Harvey admitted, like he was sharing a secret. 'He stands outside the clinic, and I know that's his spot, but it does make me feel like I'm being observed. As though I should be bringing in more patients.' 

'I doubt he cares,' Alex said. 'Sorry, that sounds really harsh, but I think he just likes feeling like he's the king of the town, and I think he likes having evidence that he's there if people need him. But you ever noticed that no one goes over to him when he does that shit?'

'I have noticed that, yes,' Dr Harvey said. 

Alex felt guilty, talking about Mayor Lewis this way. 'His job is really hard though. Like, I couldn't do it. So... Yeah. Don't know what's going to happen when he's not around anymore. Maybe someone like Pierre will become Mayor, I don't know.' 

'Maybe a woman,' Dr Harvey said, and Alex nodded. He'd never considered it, but yeah, maybe even someone like Emily. She'd be amazing at it. 'How did Lewis react when you stopped deliveries?'

'I made him sound bad before, but he wasn't that bad. He didn't yell or anything. He just said I was too stupid to really do much else. I mean he said it like he was doing me a favour but...I don't know.' Was this the kind of thing he was supposed to talk about? 'I just get tired of it sometimes.'

'That's quite uncalled for,' Dr Harvey said. 'I'm sorry Lewis did that.'

'I mean- It's just...what people think.'

'That you're stupid? I don't think that. Why would I think you're stupid?' 

Alex shifted uncomfortably on the chair. 'People just know that I am.'

'But why? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to put you on the spot on purpose, I'm trying to understand something. You say it like it should be obvious, but when you were looking after your grandparents, I just saw someone who was eager to help out. It never seemed like you didn't understand my instructions when it came to learning how to give your grandparents injections or keeping rooms hygienic.' 

'Uh, yeah, I guess. I mean- I struggle... It's hard to read...'

Alex looked at Dr Harvey and waited for him to nod in agreement, but Dr Harvey looked perplexed. Alex was beginning to feel frustrated. 

'I don't know much, and it's painful for me to read. So like I can do it, but I avoid it all the time. And I'm pretty simple.'

'You seem more than capable of understanding complex subjects,' Dr Harvey said, lifting his eyebrows like he was unimpressed with Alex's reasoning. 'Having a developmental disability around reading doesn't indicate anything about intelligence. Frankly, intelligence isn't the measure of a person's value or worth in the first place. But, Alex, there's really no evidence that you're stupid. And no reason for people to think that way.'

'But they do,' Alex said, annoyed, 'because I am. It's funny how that works.'

'It's my experience that people in small towns believe what they're told, sometimes. Things sort of build on themselves. As an example, I quite enjoy truffle oil. As a result, everyone in the town knows they can get me that and I'll enjoy it. But say in ten years’ time I'm not eating it anymore, because of my cholesterol, do you think everyone will immediately know and understand that? Or is it more likely I'm going to keep getting gifts of truffle oil for another few years? Maybe even longer, for the people who didn't pay attention? Whatever a town internalises about the people who live within it, those things...can last a long time, Alex, whether they're true or not.' 

Alex grimaced. They were clearly in the part of the conversation that Dr Harvey was hoping Alex would have with Tim. He wasn't impressed. He didn't want to be talked out of something that was true. 

'All right,' Dr Harvey said, like Alex had replied. 'Let's think of it this way then... Even if you were stupid, why does that entitle anyone to treat you rudely? Or with disrespect? What is that going to achieve?' 

That was harder to answer, and Alex frowned. 'Yeah, but...'

Dr Harvey nodded encouragingly, and Alex had... Alex had fucking nothing except the certainty that the town was right to feel the way they did about him. He knew Mayor Lewis wasn't wrong to treat him that way. 

'If a whole town believes something that isn't true,’ Dr Harvey said, ‘maybe you come to believe it too. And when you have so many people believing something is a fact, you'll...behave as though it is one.' 

'I don't like therapy, Doc,' Alex said, staring at him. 

'I know. But I'm not your therapist. I'm just talking about how I see things. I'm not telling you to change your mind, and I'm not really just talking about you. This is something a lot of people experience.' 

Alex shifted in the chair and stared down at the coffee. It just didn't feel right, examining this stuff. He knew Haley would agree with Dr Harvey, he thought Sebastian might too, and he didn't know what to do with that. Sebastian knew better than anyone that he was stupid, and Alex kind of wanted to talk to him about it, suddenly. Like, why wasn't Sebastian agreeing with him anymore? It wasn't like Alex was any smarter than he used to be. 

'I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable,' Dr Harvey said. 

'It's- I'm fine,' Alex said. 'It's just weird, that's all.' 

'I stand by what I said, anyway. Smart or not, you don't deserve to have anyone treat you with disrespect. Mayor Lewis should never have implied or said there were only certain jobs you could do. If I'd lived in a town that didn't know glasses existed, I'd be functionally blind, and that wouldn't mean a single thing about my worth or value as a person. But...people might treat me differently if it made them feel better about themselves.' 

Alex sighed. 'I just don't really care about this stuff very much.' 

'Is that really true?'

'It's true enough that I don't want to keep talking about it,' Alex said, hearing an edge in his voice. 'I'm sorry. You've been real nice inviting me around and stuff, but it's not like my way of doing things is bad.' 

A silence fell in the room and Alex felt like a joke. Of course it was bad. He'd gotten the stupid injury at Martingale's. He'd gotten the virus that had nearly taken him out. He'd been closeted for years and now he was out to like a whole three people, he realised how deep in the closet of “wanting Sebastian” he was and felt like he was suffocating. He hated the shape of his life. He hated the way he interacted with it. He couldn't stand himself. He couldn't stand the world he looked at sometimes. 

'Alex?' Dr Harvey prompted, voice soft. 

'Nothing,' Alex said. 'Just...some things can't be fixed with like...an IV and some needles, or even just talking about it over coffee or whatever.' 

'I know,' Dr Harvey said. 'I don't think we'll be fixing anything tonight, Alex.' 

'Yeah. Well. That's... So why bother then?'

'Well, I like your company. I'm going to be thinking of how you described my making model aeroplanes as a "different kind of healing" for a long time to come. I appreciate your insights. I even appreciate your stubbornness.' 

Alex's smile was half-hearted, but there was a strange lightening in his chest. Okay, so Dr Harvey didn't expect anything to get fixed today, and Alex didn't even know what needed fixing, or where to begin looking for the things to fix. 

'You're a very guarded person,' Dr Harvey said. 'I used to be quite guarded, in a different kind of way. When you live that way – even if you have very good reasons for it – conversations like this can feel a little...unwelcome. And you wonder what everyone else gets out of friendship, or companionship, because you don't receive the same things. You have too many walls up, all you see are the costs.'

Alex felt uncomfortable, he took a breath to stop himself from standing to relieve the tension in his body. 

'I lived like that for a long time,' Dr Harvey admitted. 

'You did? Really?' 

'Mmhm. University especially. I graduated with high enough grades to start pilot training, and flunked out of the basic screening, and chose to be a doctor because I didn't know what else to do. It wasn't my sacred calling or anything like that, and I was very bitter at the world for making it so that I'd be smart enough to qualify to be a pilot, but physically too inept to manage. Even if I overcame my acrophobia, there's nothing that will ever fix my eyesight. Anyway, that's...neither here nor there, I suppose what I'm saying is maybe you'll look back on this chat and just see the costs. I hope one day you can come to find some benefits too, perhaps. That's my hope. Even if we fix nothing at all.'

Alex sighed explosively. God. Okay. It wasn't terrible, maybe, talking to Dr Harvey. It was like...a tiny step up from terrible. Certainly not good, but maybe hanging around the zone of "bad but whatever." 

'Tell me about these planes of yours,' Alex said, lifting his chin. 'I wanna learn something. Why do they all have different wing shapes? What does that do? Is that physics?' 

Dr Harvey looked taken aback, then smiled, the expression almost shy. 'I'd like to talk about aerofoils, as long as you don't find it boring.' 

'I won't,' Alex said, pretty confident he wouldn't. He knew way more about gel and acrylic nails than anyone really had a right to if they weren’t in the nail industry, because he didn't find it boring listening to other people talk about their stuff. And when Dr Harvey started talking about biplanes and monoplanes, and aerofoils and mid, high, shoulder and parasol wings, Alex found himself absorbed. 

In the back of his mind he wondered if Sebastian still thought he was stupid after saying it over a hundred times in school, and what it meant if he'd changed his mind since. He wanted to ask him, and he was scared to ask. Dr Harvey could talk about worth and value all he wanted, but at the end of the day, Mayor Lewis thought Alex was a stupid piece of shit, and Alex didn't disagree with him.

But he wanted to ask Sebastian... just in case he thought differently, maybe, to see what that felt like, and what it meant. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'The Opened Closet':

"'I want to see you deadlift,' Sebastian said, after ten minutes had passed.

'What?'

'You've corrected me on a ton of stuff, so, I want to see how an expert does it.'

'I'm not an expert,' Alex said, even as he walked up to the rack of weights and pulled off the ones he'd need to add to the barbell. As he was spinning them on, Sebastian whistled behind him, the sound low. Alex spun around to see Sebastian watching him, and Alex felt caught out. 'What?'

'Just... You don't lift that much, come on.'

'Um. Yeah, no, this is less than usual. I had to zone it way down after I got sick.'

'You- Really?' Sebastian said. 'You're... I mean, you’re kind of thinner than I thought someone would be if they lifted weights like that.'

'That's different for everyone. You seem like one of those lucky assholes that puts on muscle pretty easily, because I know you're not doing protein shakes and shit every day.'

'I'm so not doing that,' Sebastian said, laughing."

*

Just a couple of bros being pals, just dudes being guys...

Did u know that Tumblr exists and I'm on it, you probably do, because I never shut up about it, but look, *mentions it again* Tumblr-mentioning-disease is a terrible affliction and I'm accepting donations in the form of jellybeans.

Chapter 22: The Opened Closet

Notes:

Heads up: Body commentary in a way that could be interpreted as shaming (including Sebastian commenting on Alex’s stubble, and the shape of his body). (It’s not shaming, it just could be seen that way).

--

GYM TIME

Alex was nervous as he cleaned Sebastian's because he'd messaged earlier to say he was well enough to look over Sebastian's form in the gym, and he was kind of terrified. Being close to Sebastian's body made him crazy, and he didn't want to embarrass himself. He didn't know what to think of Sebastian attributing Alex's boner to like...just being gay, as opposed to being gay and definitely getting hard because of Sebastian. It was a relief, and horrible at the same time. He felt like a 14-year-old when Sebastian was around. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said at the beginning of the shift. 'You ever going to shave that?'

Alex's hand went up to the stubble that had been doggedly growing in since he got sick. Fuck, he was getting a depression beard again. Once it started, he kind of just...didn't care about it. He preferred to be clean shaven, and he didn't mind a few days of stubble, and then after that he just stopped giving a shit.

He cleared his throat. 'I forgot about it.'

'You forgot.'

'Yeah, I'll shave it.'

'I mean you can keep it, it's just- Always takes a moment, when I see you with that much facial hair.' 

'You’ve said it before,' Alex said. 'And yeah, I just...' He rubbed it a few times, he really needed to get on top of it. He didn't want a depression beard, and he couldn't be fucked maintaining one, so it always turned to shit really fast. 

'Anyway, I'll get changed later,’ Sebastian said. ‘Are you sure you have time today?' 

'Yeah,' Alex said, then turned and got focused on the job, or as focused as he could be while thinking about what sort of clothes Sebastian wore in his gym. He definitely wasn't thinking about Sebastian stripping down and putting on gym clothes because that would be super lame. No way did he do shit like that. 

Alex sighed at the shower screen he was wiping down. 

Yeah, actually, he definitely did shit like that. 

'You thirsty motherfucker,' Alex muttered to himself as he continued to clean. Whatever. He'd survive, right? He had to. It was just the gym. He'd seen guys in the Stardew Valley gym before. He'd seen naked dudes. Sebastian wasn't even going to be naked, Alex was practicing wishful thinking. He wanted to text Save me to Haley, but he didn't really do shit like that. Besides, she'd probably tell him to take a photo or something. 

*

As Alex put his cleaning supplies away, Sebastian came back down from his room wearing black gym shorts, and a black gym shirt with violet stripes running vertically down the sides. It was all so very...Sebastian. 

But fucking hell, Sebastian was built compared to how he used to be. He was a weedy, thin guy in high school, but somewhere along the way he'd obviously learned how to work out, he'd learned how to target his arms, his shoulders, his thighs, his calves. He had muscle, and Alex looked him up and down and sighed. 

'You don't look like you need any help, for real.' 

'You know better than anyone that you can have bad form and still get fit,' Sebastian said. 'Besides, some of this is from the fucking mines. Swing a pickaxe enough times and eventually muscles just happen. No one told me it worked that way. I kind of wanted to stay wiry.' 

'Seriously?' Alex said, washing his hands in the laundry sink before towelling them off. 

'Yeah, like I'm not complaining or anything, it just wasn't what I pictured when I was younger.'

'Fair,' Alex said. 'So what... what did you want to show me, anyway?'

'It's deadlifts, mostly. I mean there's probably a few things, but I've looked at some videos online for deadlifts and I just can't seem to figure it out.' 

Alex frowned, because they really weren't that hard. Maybe Sebastian was lifting something too heavy for himself. That was a problem people could come into if they aimed too high and couldn’t maintain good posture while overworking themselves.

Sebastian moved around his home gym easily, like someone who used it a lot.

'You don't go to the mines as much as before,' Alex said. 

'I do,' Sebastian said, looking over some weights like he wanted to add them to the barbell, before rethinking it. Alex had to hide a smirk, maybe Sebastian wanted to impress him, which was ridiculous. Alex was already impressed. 'I just don't do it when you come over and clean. I go about three times a week. The quarry mines twice, and then the main one behind it. The quarry mines are pretty unexplored because they were emptied of most of their ore before the monsters came, but there's some really good shit in there if you like fighting monsters and have the right enchanted rings.' 

'Enchanted rings, huh?' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, stepping in front of the barbell. 'Okay so...should I just go? Or will you show me the right thing to do first?'

'I want to see what you're doing,' Alex said, realising it was surprisingly easy to stay professional and put the horny part of him aside. He was genuinely interested in what Sebastian was doing, in what he could do to help, and the part of him that was frantically filing all of this away for later was being pretty quiet about it. Which was good, because Alex wanted to touch Sebastian's leg, and his leg hairs, and that urge was really annoying. 

Sebastian wrapped his hands around the bar, jerked the barbell up, held it for a second, then placed it down on the ground with a thud. Alex pressed his lips together and thought they probably had a whole lot of shit they could fix, actually. 

'Your toes are pointing too far out,' Alex said, walking over. 'So when you get in position, you want them more like this.' 

Alex spread his legs apart, and pointed his toes out slightly, but not at the 45-degree angle Sebastian had them at. Sebastian copied the movement, Alex nodded. 

'Next, you want to get rid of as much slack as you can in your grip. So when you get in the position to get ready to do the drive...' Sebastian looked at him blankly. 'The bit where you pull the weight up. When you drive up, you shouldn't be pulling from a slack position. As soon as you set in behind that barbell and get your hands on the bar, you should be looking to kind of have your muscles engaged before you start. You do that by squeezing your back muscles, and also by making sure your arms are straight.' 

'Can I try that first?' Sebastian said. 'I can tell you have more you want to say.'

'Yeah, try it. Um, and don't jerk it up. If you feel like you have to jerk it, bring the weight down. Like, is this a comfortable weight for you?'

'I am trying to push myself.'

'Yeah, but you can do that with repetitions, not just pure weight. Look, if you can do the motion without jerking, you can stay at this weight just fine. But if you have to make your form bad to handle a higher weight, you’ve got to step back down again. That’s normal.'

Sebastian squinted, like he was trying to figure out if Alex was making fun of him. Alex couldn't imagine wanting to make fun of someone learning how to do this shit, because people got injured when they tried to impress each other, or didn't understand how it worked, or what the body could handle. 

He came closer and watched Sebastian's body move with the next lift, and it was already way better. That alone had fixed a couple of other things he would've commented on. But it still... 

'I feel nitpicky,' Alex said. 

'Yeah, I didn't ask you for help so you'd flatter me. That's what Abigail's for.' 

'Is it?' Alex said, laughing in spite of himself. 

'She's... I didn't realise at first, but she maybe has a thing for watching us work out. Sam and me.' 

Alex shrugged. He didn't want to think about Abigail after the way she'd stared at him. Something about her put him on edge. He didn't remember ever really going after her, but that probably didn't matter, he'd still been a complete dickhead to her friend. 

'So are you going to nitpick or not?' 

'Um, it's your spine. It needs to be in a neutral position. You really round into it, which might be because of your job.'

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, sighing. 'I've had problems with that before.' 

'So when you do it, your hips are back, like this. Full anterior tilt.' Alex flexed his hips back, and then pointed to the dip it created in his lower back. 'You want your hips more forward, kind of tucked in a bit, like this. Not full posterior tilt, but closer. It’s going to feel a bit weird if you’re not used to it.' 

He did the motion, and his self-consciousness slammed back into him. He wasn't Alex giving advice to a guy at the gym anymore, he was gay Alex in love with gay Sebastian while popping his hips to show him what to do. Shit. Sebastian didn't really seem to care much beyond trying to learn. But Alex felt acutely aware of his entire body. The position of his hips, the fact he was unshaven, and Sebastian had pointed it out. 

'Like this?' Sebastian said. 

Alex forced himself to concentrate. 'Yeah. That's good. It's hard to keep track of because obviously you're pulling up and your instinct will be to kind of...shift your pelvis back. Oh, and the last thing, deadlifts like this are about how your hips hinge and your back and thighs, yeah? Stop pushing as much through the knees. They're not designed for it. In a perfect world, they don't engage much at all.'

'Shit, really?'

'Yeah!' 

'So like, my form is way off,' Sebastian said, smiling. 

'It's not that bad... It's kind of amazing you've come this far without an injury,' Alex said. 

'Oh, I've-' Sebastian started laughing. 'Yeah, no, I've injured myself doing this stuff.' 

Alex laughed, because well, yeah, that tracked. But the next time Sebastian did the deadlift it was so much better. 

'I feel that way more in my back,' Sebastian said. 'That's good, right?' 

'Where in your back?' 

Sebastian pointed up near his trapezius, and Alex sighed in relief. Because yeah, that was good. 'Awesome. You've got it, pretty much. Walk me through your sets and reps on this, because I still think the weights might be too high until you get used to the new form.' 

As they kept talking, Alex realised he was having fun. Sebastian was easy to work with, it was clear he'd had experience and it was fun talking to someone who knew what a lateral raise or sitting rows were. It was great to have access to a lot of the equipment that made this stuff doable. Alex realised he did kind of want to work out here. It was newer, nicer stuff than what was in the community gym, and there was more actual equipment than what Alex had at home. 

Not only that, but Sebastian was kind of cool to be around. 

'I want to see you deadlift,' Sebastian said, after ten minutes had passed. 

'What?' 

'You've corrected me on a ton of stuff, so, I want to see how an expert does it.'

'I'm not an expert,' Alex said, even as he walked up to the rack of weights and pulled off the ones he'd need to add to the barbell. As he was spinning them on, Sebastian whistled behind him, the sound low. Alex spun around to see Sebastian watching him, and Alex felt caught out. 'What?' 

'Just... You don't lift that much, come on.' 

'Um. Yeah, no, this is less than usual. I had to zone it way down after I got sick.' 

'You- Really?' Sebastian said. 'You're... I mean, you’re kind of thinner than I thought someone would be if they lifted weights like that.'

'That's different for everyone. You seem like one of those lucky assholes that puts on muscle pretty easily, because I know you're not doing protein shakes and shit every day.'

'I'm so not doing that,' Sebastian said, laughing. 

'Yeah. Meanwhile I have to eat a fuckton of protein and work out like one to three hours a day to get jacked. Who’s got the time? You talked about how you kind of thought you'd be wiry when you were older? It's a joke, but that's me. Turns out that's the direction I go in. So I can lift this pretty easily, but it might not look like it from a distance. I tell you what, this whole conversation is going to be hilarious if I can't lift it.' 

Alex got into position, sorted out his grip, then tried to forget about the fact that Sebastian was watching him. That wasn't going to happen. He focused on his breathing instead, locked his back into place, shuffled on his feet a few times to find the right position for his hips. Sometimes he spent ages trying to find the right position before getting started. Grandma Evelyn used to say he was like a cat trying to get comfortable. 

He lifted the barbell with more ease than he expected, held it, and lowered it again and was relieved. He knew he could aim for higher, but he'd scale back up when it felt safe. When he straightened, he didn't know how to interpret the expression on Sebastian's face. But he wasn't going to do a full workout now, so he crouched down and started pulling the weights off instead, because no way should Sebastian have to do that shit. People had to take responsibility for their own weights, and the community gym had taught him to leave everything exactly as he found it. 

Well, eventually, he used to be a dick about it in high school.

'So am I going to have to wipe down your whole gym again?' Alex said. 

Sebastian laughed, the sound bright and strong, and Alex felt like he could fucking eat it. 

'I'm going to make us lunch,' Sebastian said. Alex watched him walk out, and thought maybe he was right, maybe they could be friends. It felt like a glow, a warmth that carried hints of summer with it, a reminder that warmer times were on the horizon.

*

Alex ate two sandwiches, and halfway through the second, Sebastian pushed 500 gold towards him. 

'Don't argue with me,' he said. 

'You- I...' Alex wanted to fucking argue. 'That's too much, you can't-'

'What did I just say, Alex?' Sebastian said, not angry, but implacable. 

Alex wanted to respond with many things: But you make me lunch. This is the easiest job I've ever had. I didn't even work for eight hours. Why are you being so nice to me? I don't need this much money. What does someone even do with this much money?

It wasn't like he didn't know how people spent money; Sebastian's house was evidence of how much money he made. His bathroom and kitchen fit-out was proof. The size of his TV was proof. The way he could easily make awesome sandwiches was proof.

Alex put the gold into the black velvet pouch he'd started carrying with him and sighed. 'Thanks,' he said. 

'You're welcome,' Sebastian said. 

'Your mom ever tell you that you overpay people?'

'My mom told me that almost all the blue-collar trades aren't really respected enough, and most sole traders undersell themselves before they realise what they're worth. So no, she never told me that.' 

Alex bit the inside of his lip. He thought of his conversation with Dr Harvey and looked around Sebastian's house. He didn't know how he fit in here, but Sebastian seemed to think he did, at least sometimes, in some ways. Maybe just as a cleaner and someone to ask about gym stuff, but also…friends? It was scary to think about. 

'Hey,' Alex said. 'Can I ask you something?' 

'Not if it's about how much I pay you.'

'It's not,' Alex grumped. 

'Then go for it.' 

'Yeah, I- So... You think I'm stupid, right?' 

Sebastian looked shocked. Then his mouth pressed together, and he seemed really unhappy. 

'I won't be mad,' Alex said. 'I'm not asking to have a reason to get mad. I mean when I got my arm injured, you said it then too. Like, it's okay.'

'No, it's not,' Sebastian said, his voice quieter than normal. 'I've said it to you a lot. Like...a lot.'

Alex swallowed. He didn't quite know what he was trying to achieve. Was he trying to set the world back to rights? A world where Sebastian called him stupid, and Alex knew that he was? Or was he trying to shake things up? He just couldn't stop thinking about it, since he'd talked with Dr Harvey. 

'I think... I used to think that you were,' Sebastian said slowly, staring ahead, like he was seeing something in the room that wasn't there. 'I think as a kid, that was something I took for granted. I can't remember when it started. Maybe even pre-primary, like kindergarten. But I don't have a memory of why I started thinking it, I just know that I did.'

'Everyone does.'

'Not everyone,' Sebastian said, seeming more hesitant than he had in a long time. 'Not Haley. And not Harvey. Or David.'

'He met me for five seconds, David doesn't count.'

'David counts,' Sebastian said, smile faint. 'But recently I've been thinking about it. I guess it was something almost all of us kind of took for granted. You struggled a lot at school, and, ah, it was a country school, it wasn't like there were a ton of alternative methods of teaching someone, there wasn't any support. And you were going through stuff.'

'Everyone goes through stuff.'

'I just want to say, I fucking hate how you do that.'

Alex tensed. 'Do what?' 

'Just- It can stand on its own, as a sentence. You were going through stuff, period. You don't need to come in and collapse it back down again. Or maybe you do, I don't know. But it pisses me off. Anyway, no, I don't think you're stupid. I did. Sure, I did. I wish I didn't. I wish I could tell you that I didn't used to believe that, but I did, and others did, and I was a cunt about it. I think I might have been one of the worst.' 

Alex chewed the inside of his cheek, then looked aside. 

'Why'd you change your mind?' Alex said. 'I'm still shit at reading. Still can't...do most things.'

'I mean you can,' Sebastian said, his voice soft but stern. 'I got to know you better. And I realised maybe I'm past thinking that people different from me, and with different skills to me, are stupid. I didn't think you'd ever ask me about this, you're always trying to run from it.'

'Yeah, really think I'd rather be doing that.' 

'That's the thing, isn't it? When you know everyone used to think it, and some people still do... I don't know how you're someone who- Who can still put flowers in your grandparent's room, Alex. I think I'd be a really...bitter person if I were you.'

'I am,' Alex said, smiling, stretching his legs out. 'Flowers don't mean dick about how bitter I am.'

'If you say so. I mean, you said you didn't start hating yourself when you realised you were gay. You said it was just one more thing. So, probably, you also hated yourself for being stupid.'

Sometimes it was like Alex's mind and body froze, even though nothing changed on the surface. In that moment, he went still and quiet, alert and wary. Sebastian was reaching for things that were made of leaves and fragile crystals and air. Stuff that could be knocked down with a breeze. 

'You probably hate yourself for a lot of reasons. And I think about how...you were a closeted gay guy who spent his life believing he was stupid, and everyone said he was. Shit, I hate thinking about that, Alex. That's horrible.'

'I bullied you.'

'You're doing it again.'

'I'm telling the truth,' Alex said. 

'You tell a version of it to hide from another version of it,' Sebastian said. 'Sure, you were a bully. What do you want, to be punished for the rest of your life because you were going through hell and took it out on some people? Whatever's going on there, doesn't change the fact that you were going through a lot of shit, and I was making it worse all the time. I was thinking about it, talking to Sam about it, and he says maybe we started in on you in primary school, and I don't even remember...' 

'Same,' Alex said, feeling numb. 

'But I remember you started in on us in high school. So...what was happening before then? At any rate, Sam remembers it all better than I do, and I think he feels bad about it too.' 

Not Abigail, though. 

'You hate talking about this stuff,' Sebastian said, considering him, somehow pressing close even though he was still seated at the table. 

'I don't even know why I brought it up.'

'I mean, I think I do.' 

Alex stared at the empty plate and realised he didn't know what he wanted out of this conversation. He picked it up and took it over to the sink. They were going to keep going in circles if Alex pushed at it. And he knew Sebastian would push at it, because that was the kind of person he was. 

'I'm gonna go home,' Alex said. 

'We can keep talking about this.'

'You can, but I'm...tired,' Alex said. 'I'm not mad or anything.'

'Maybe you should be,' Sebastian said, taking his own plate to the sink and standing by Alex's side. 'Maybe you should be mad.' 

'I actually hate being mad about stuff,' Alex said, swinging away. 

'That's a whole other thing, isn't it?' Sebastian said, his voice weirdly gentle.

'Yeah,' Alex said, laughing. 'Yeah, that really is a whole other thing. Anyway, um, let me know how you go with the exercises. And I'll... I'll be back soon to clean, and stuff. So...'

'See you soon,' Sebastian said. 

'That one,' Alex said, lifting his hand in farewell, before getting out of there. 

On the way home, he felt like someone had come into him with shovels and was recklessly digging shit up. Not in any order, not with any kind of sense, just...picking at him, bit by bit. And Alex wanted to push everything back to where it used to be, but he didn't know where it went, so he walked home feeling upended inside of himself, unsure of what to do about it. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Untame My Head:

"Sebastian made his way over to the stack of presents, and then to Mayor Lewis’ desk behind it. The drawer wasn’t locked, and Sebastian brought out a sheet of paper and stared at it, and then he glowered.

‘You’re not on the list,’ Sebastian said. ‘Not to receive a gift, not to give one.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, somehow just…not surprised.

‘That petty piece of shit,’ Sebastian said, his voice sharp.

‘He probably just forgot. Or maybe he thought that like…after losing my grandparents…’

‘Maybe,’ Sebastian said grudgingly. ‘I doubt it.’

‘Same,’ Alex said, staring down at all the brightly wrapped presents.

‘I bet that’s what he’ll say though, if you confront him,’ Sebastian said angrily. ‘Dude’s got an answer for everything. Yoba’s ass, he makes me so mad. Like, what, he lost his little gopher and now he’s punishing you for it?’"

*

Uh oh, Feast of the Winter Star drama might be coming!!

There's a Tumblr, also did you know I write original fiction on a whole separate AO3 account with themes and stuff similar to this?

Chapter 23: Untame My Head

Notes:

I think this was the fic where I was finally like, 'you know what, Mayor Lewis would make a great petty villain.' And he really does.

It was easy to find the motivation to start exercising regularly again, after being in Sebastian’s gym. But maybe it was also that he had more energy because he was sleeping better, and he was taking those supplements, eating regularly, and every now and then he was seeing more hours of daylight in his version of the ‘morning.’

He’d lost more muscle definition in his arms than he’d expected, and belatedly realised it was because he wasn’t doing deliveries anymore, and constantly lifting and placing down heavy crates had kept some of that condition up.

Winter progressed, Alex was gutted that he’d missed the Night Market, but in between needing to rest more, and not really feeling ready to see much of the town, he’d stayed away. He was becoming a homebody. When he’d been a teen, he’d made a point of standing outside in the sun, seeing everyone walking by, saying hi to them even if he didn’t know them well, or like them much.

All he needed these days was the black clothing, and maybe he could pretend he was a teenage Sebastian. The thought made him laugh.

*

On Thursday, Alex opened the door after someone knocked, expecting and dreading Mayor Lewis for some reason, and seeing Jodi instead. He stared at her in shock. He hadn’t seen her in ages despite the fact she and her family lived close by. Sam’s mom was nice and kind of fit, and if Alex had been into women he probably would’ve been into her, but whatever.

‘Um…’ Alex said.

Great job, loser. A real winning way to start a conversation.

‘Hi,’ Jodi said, smiling warmly. ‘I hope you don’t mind me dropping ‘round unexpectedly!’

‘Oh, shi- I mean, not at all. Um, come in? Just…ignore the gym stuff in the lounge.’

She followed him into the house, looking around like someone who wanted to see how Alex had been keeping it after his grandparent’s died. She sat down at the kitchen table, and Alex put the kettle on, trying to calm his breathing.

What was Sam’s mom doing here?

‘So, Sam says you’ve been cleaning Sebastian’s house? It’s a big house, isn’t it! I haven’t been inside, but Sam showed me some photos on his phone. It looks like it could be one of those fancy sale homes! I’ve never seen so much chrome. And chrome stains so badly, doesn’t it? All those watermarks!’

‘So true,’ Alex said, smiling in spite of himself. ‘Yeah, it can be a pain, but it looks good when it’s polished up. Real nice.’

‘Yes, I can only imagine. Well, I’ll never be able to afford something like chrome, but Kent’s come into an inheritance, and Sam is making more money with his band, and they’ve decided to pitch in together and pay for- pay for a real cleaner. I don’t know if you’re taking on clients at all, and I can only pay eighty an hour…’

Alex thought about what Mayor Lewis had been paying him and felt a little light-headed.

‘What kind of cleaning?’ Alex said, turning from the kettle. ‘Like… Sebastian’s pretty specific, so I’m at his house for around two to three hours each time. If you want a flat hour say…once a week…we should probably talk about what you want.’

‘I can afford two hours once every two weeks,’ Jodi said, smile broadening. ‘I was hoping you could do the vacuuming, maybe the bathrooms, I don’t know how long things will take you. I feel like I’m doing these things all the time! My boys are still messy. And Sam hasn’t moved out yet. I keep hoping he’ll learn from Sebastian but oh well! He makes pizza night fun, at least.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I bet.’

‘I never thought- You always seemed like someone with too much of a sporty reputation to do something like cleaning. But your mother was always very houseproud, wasn’t she? Even when you all lived in that caravan.’

Alex poured the hot water into the coffee mugs and stared at it, then stirred, pretending he was concentrating. He brought the mugs over and nodded as he sat at the other side of the table.

All his mom ever wanted was a little cottage. It was all she’d ever wanted. A little cottage, a happy marriage, probably a straight son.

She never got a single fucking thing. But she sure got that cancer at the end, and she got a lot of other shit too.

‘I hate cleaning!’ Jodi said. Alex wasn’t sure he could manage an upbeat conversation about how he’d sunk so low as to do professional cleaning. It was stupid, he liked the job! He liked making Sebastian’s house look fucking good. He liked that his grandparents could be proud of the way he was maintaining their house.

‘I mean, you don’t get paid for it,’ Alex said eventually. ‘It can be pretty thankless.’

‘Yes, well, but I also hate doing it,’ Jodi said, laughing. ‘I always have. I was like Sam as a teen, I didn’t want to do any cleaning, I left my mom to deal with all of it. Sometimes when I’m washing dishes I think of her. She always said she’d get a cleaner, but she never did. But we have one in the town now! I’m so excited.’

Her enthusiasm was contagious, Alex smiled.

‘I hope you don’t mind me just coming around like this. I talked to Kent about it a lot, and Sam said you were really professional, and he’s been giving me money for a while now as rent.’

‘Uh, I don’t mind,’ Alex said. ‘Seriously, it’s fine.’

‘This house looks exactly the same,’ Jodi said, looking around. ‘And I thought on Tuesday that it was Evelyn’s birthday, and I can’t remember a time she wasn’t in the town, or when she didn’t make chocolate chip cookies for her birthday and then brought them out into the square for all of us. She did it for us as children too, and then she was still doing it when I had my own kids.’

Alex felt sick. Grandma Evelyn’s birthday. The twentieth. He turned and looked at the wall calendar. It was the twenty second. He’d forgotten. He’d forgotten her fucking birthday.

He took two quick breaths, shoving away the horror he felt, the same as shoving away all the other shit he used to when he was a kid, a teenager, when he was dealing with his dad, and then his mom’s sickness, then the knowledge he was gay.

‘I didn’t, um, realise she used to do that for you as kids,’ Alex said.

‘That was back when George was quite the looker,’ Jodi said, laughing in embarrassment. ‘They were such a sweet couple. Well, George was gruff of course, he was a miner, but still. We don’t have any real elders in the town anymore, do we? I suppose it’s going to be me and Emily and the others one day. What a strange thing to think about.’

Jodi continued to talk, and Alex let her and felt sore in his chest thinking about how he’d forgotten Grandma Evelyn’s birthday. After he showed Jodi to the door and waved her off, he leaned against the wall and felt the crushing weight of the house all around him, like their ghosts were in the walls. It was so stupid. It was stupid. She’d never judge him for forgetting her birthday. She wouldn’t ever judge him for it.

But he felt like a monster.

He felt like the house knew he was a monster.

*

‘Jodi asked me to clean her house,’ Alex said, halfway into the sandwich Sebastian made for him, the following day. ‘I’m gonna do it.’

‘For how much though?’ Sebastian said, narrowing his eyes.

That dude thought of money like no one else Alex had ever met.

‘Like, eighty an hour.’

‘Oh. Okay. Good, I guess,’ Sebastian said, still looking suspicious.

‘That’s market rates, you said that yourself, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, sighing. ‘It is. And it’s not like she’s flush or anything like that. Still… Okay. How do you feel about it?’

‘I mean Sam was the one who suggested it. So I don’t know. I hope he’s not there.’

Sebastian had a look on his face and Alex didn’t know how to interpret it and didn’t fucking ask. There was a whole bunch of stuff they’d talked about, and a whole bunch of stuff they hadn’t. A lot of things Alex hoped they would never talk about.

‘You don’t like it when other people are there when you clean?’ Sebastian said.

‘It’s fine. You don’t see me complaining, right?’

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed, he leaned back in his chair. ‘I have the gang coming over for a gaming session on Wednesday night. Is that going to be a problem? We can change the day.’

‘Um. It’s fine,’ Alex said.

‘We don’t normally- I mean normally it’s a Thursday, but David had something on, and Abigail said Wednesday worked for her, and everyone else agreed. You don’t have to vacuum that room or anything. It can be like last time. Except you take the full amount of pay.’

Alex didn’t want to be there while Sebastian’s friends were there. David was okay. But he’d had no idea Sam was watching his cleaning so closely he’d taken fucking photos, and Abigail had just fucking stared at him. He didn’t understand how he got along with Sebastian so much better these days, but Abigail and Sam still fucked him up so much.

‘David does that…gaming stuff?’

‘He sure does,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘What, he not geeky enough for it by your standards?’

‘No- I… I don’t know about…’

Alex felt ashamed. He didn’t know anything about it. He felt like he was fucking up a lot, lately. He didn’t know why. He’d felt good, hadn’t he? Things had been getting better, hadn’t they?

‘Oh, hey, what did you get your like…secret person for the Feast of the Winter Star?’

Alex stared at Sebastian blankly.

The Feast of the Winter Star, every winter, Mayor Lewis organised a gift exchange between all the people in the Valley. Everyone turned up in the town square for a buffet meal, rugged up and warm, and sometimes there were carol singers, and the presents were humble things most of the time, and it was a pretty cool tradition.

There’d been no mail in his mailbox from Mayor Lewis about it, and the Feast of the Winter Star was tomorrow.

‘What is it? Did you forget? Do you need some help?’ Sebastian said.

‘Um, no, it’s not that. I just need to talk to Mayor Lewis about it.’

‘Why?’ Sebastian said sharply.

‘I just need to ask him something. He’s asleep now though, isn’t he?’

‘What do you need to ask him though?’

‘You’re the worst,’ Alex muttered.

‘So tell me already.’

‘This is so fucking paranoid, but I don’t think…Mayor Lewis included me in the exchange,’ Alex said, staring the mug of coffee Sebastian made for him. ‘I wasn’t- There was never any note. I check my mail all the time. I’ve been getting other things. What if I got the note and someone doesn’t get a gift from me tomorrow?’

‘There’s an easy way to check.’

‘Is there?’ Alex said, baffled.

‘Yep, come on. Let’s go break into the Community Centre.’

‘What, now?’

‘Come on,’ Sebastian said. ‘Live a little, why don’t you?’

Alex wolfed down the rest of his sandwich, put his sweater back on, and couldn’t believe they were taking a nighttime journey to the Community Centre for a second time.

*

‘I can’t believe you literally just break in,’ Alex said, as they walked into the Community Centre, gloom surrounding them.

‘What’s anyone going to do? We’re not vandalising anything,’ Sebastian said.

‘Have you ever broken into any other places?’

‘Sam and I did it a ton, just to see if we could,’ Sebastian said, laughing. He turned on the lights as he went. ‘So here’s the lowdown, it’s easy to break into Clint’s. It’s impossible to break into Marlon’s, and I’ve since learned that place has spells on it to keep it all locked up because of all the magical gear and weapons and shit. Kids shouldn’t have their hands on that.’

‘I mean kids shouldn’t have their hands on the axes and pickaxes that Clint makes,’ Alex said.

‘You know what, that’s a fair point. Clint should work on his security.’

‘Yeah, I don’t think Vincent and Jas are going around breaking into places like you and Sam did.’

‘Abigail got into Gunther’s,’ Sebastian said. ‘She did that on her own and came out with a book. Of course she broke into the library. But somehow Gunther knew it was her and turned up and politely asked for it back, and then her parents grounded her for like two weeks.’

‘Damn.’

‘No, like, Gunther realised she got punished and came and dropped books off to her the entire time. Like, Gunther and Abi are close.’

‘No shit,’ Alex said in amazement.

‘Yeah, they’re like… I dunno, it’s really sweet. He definitely didn’t want to get her grounded, he just wanted her to know he knew about the break-in. Um, let’s see, I’ve gotten into Pierre’s, and I took an apple. I’ve broken into Willy’s, but he’s a night owl, and he just was like…sitting there making fishhooks and staring at me, and I was staring at him, and then I blurted out: “I just had to see if I could!” and he laughed and I pretty much bolted. He was never mean about it, he never told mom or anything. I thought that was decent.’

Alex felt jealous and wistful for a kind of adolescence he couldn’t ever have imagined for himself. Sebastian had acted like such a fucking loner, but he knew everyone in the town. Literally everyone.  

‘Willy is up pretty late, hey, he hardly ever sleeps,’ Alex said, feeling like he had to prove he knew someone in the town.

‘Yeah, I had no idea. Thought he did that whole early-to-bed early-to-rise thing. Okay, here we go.’

Sebastian made his way over to the stack of presents, and then to Mayor Lewis’ desk behind it. The drawer wasn’t locked, and Sebastian brought out a sheet of paper and then glowered.

‘You’re not on the list,’ Sebastian said. ‘Not to receive a gift, not to give one.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, somehow not surprised anymore.

‘That petty piece of shit,’ Sebastian said sharply.

‘He probably just forgot. Or maybe he thought that like…after losing my grandparents…’

‘Maybe,’ Sebastian said grudgingly. ‘I doubt it.’

‘Same,’ Alex said, staring down at all the brightly wrapped presents.

‘I bet that’s what he’ll say though, if you confront him,’ Sebastian said angrily. ‘Dude’s got an answer for everything. Yoba’s ass, he makes me so mad. Like, what, he lost his little gopher and now he’s punishing you for it?’

‘It’s fine,’ Alex said.

‘It’s not fine, but it’s definitely not something we’re going to fix now. I’m sorry. I just…wanted proof. Are you coming tomorrow? To the Feast? That now takes place in the middle of you being asleep, right?’

‘I still go,’ Alex said. ‘I set my alarm for it. There’s a lot of stuff I miss now, but not that. I mean Grandma Evelyn used to be the one who decorated the big tree out there, you know? And when she was too old, she taught the others how to do it.’

Alex sighed. He headed out of Mayor Lewis’ office back towards the open lounge area. He sat down in the armchair, and Sebastian joined him a couple of minutes later, sitting on the couch.

‘It’s probably karma,’ Alex said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I forgot her birthday, you know. Grandma Evelyn’s. Jodi mentioned it, and I’d just straight up forgotten. It was Tuesday just gone. I’ve always… Yeah. So maybe it’s karma.’

‘Or you got really sick, and you’ve been busy, and you’re human,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’ve forgotten my mom’s birthday while she’s been alive. Shit happens. Some of us are better at dates than others. Also the last person on the planet who would get mad at you for forgetting their birthday is probably Evelyn.’

‘Nah, maybe she’d be like…disappointed in a sweet way,’ Alex said softly. ‘I can kind of see it. She’d tell me it was fine, but then make a couple of jokes about it.’

‘So do something for her birthday,’ Sebastian said. ‘Get her some fresh flowers. Do something in her honour. Time’s a myth.’

Alex stared at him, then laughed. Sebastian’s smile was small and annoyingly charming.

‘As for tomorrow…’ Sebastian said. ‘Do me a favour, make sure you turn up.’

‘Yeah, I’m not- I don’t want you to make a scene. I don’t need to go.’

‘Please just turn up,’ Sebastian said. ‘I promise I won’t lose my mind at Mayor Lewis. But I think you should be there. You’re a part of the town, Alex, even if you don’t think you are.’

Alex felt even heavier thinking about it. Yeah, a part of the town no one wanted, except Haley, and now apparently Sebastian.

But his Grandma would want him to go. He should at least see the tree and enjoy it. He could go listen to the Wizard talking about pagan beginnings and the magic of elementals or something. Because no doubt Sebastian would be hanging out with Sam and Abigail.

Haley would show him her nails, and maybe this year they’d have candy canes on them.

‘Fine,’ Alex said, sighing. ‘I’ll be there. I think it’s a dumb idea though.’

‘You’re like clinically depressed. I don’t trust anything you say about dumb ideas.’

‘Harsh,’ Alex said.

Sebastian was smiling, and Alex smiled back.

‘You’re a dickhead,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah. I am.’

‘You’re like a little criminal dickhead who breaks into places.’

‘I am,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘It’s fun, right?’

Alex looked around the Community Centre, his chest ached, and he sighed and then laughed. ‘Yeah, it’s fun.’

After everything, having fun with Sebastian – even on nights when he felt sad and heavy and lost inside – was something he’d never imagined, even in his wildest fantasies. So he’d go to the stupid Feast of the Winter Star festival tomorrow, and maybe he wouldn’t hate it.

Besides, this festival meant winter would be over soon, and Alex couldn’t wait for spring. This year, for the first time in a while, he was kind of excited to see the daffodils pop their pretty yellow heads above the ground.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Without Anybody Telling Me:

"When Alex saw Sebastian in the kitchen doorway, he looked frantically behind him for Sam and Abigail, and didn’t know what he was going to do. Everything was so far out of his control in that moment.

‘Get… Get the fuck out,’ Alex managed.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said, holding up his hands. ‘I’m sorry. I saw that playing out so differently to how it played out.’

‘Get out!’

He couldn’t shout, he couldn’t get the breath to manage the volume and no way did he want the whole town hearing him shouting either. And while the walls were strong and solid, they weren’t thick enough to stop a town only a short distance away from hearing him lose his absolute fucking mind.

Sebastian didn’t look like he thought it was funny, but him seeing Alex like this was somehow worse. Alex didn’t show anyone this side of himself.

‘Please,’ Alex managed, when Sebastian didn’t leave."

*

(Er, I'm sure...everything's fine in the next chapter! Haha /sweeps it under the rug/ nothing to worry about! Everyone's super happy! *steps on the rug* *whistles* Gosh it would be terrible if I were to post excerpts from the next chapters on my Tumblr or anything about how happy and normal everyone is)

Chapter 24: Without Anybody Telling Me

Notes:

I AM SO SORRY (big warning for potential secondhand embarrassment if you’re prone to that, in this chapter (which I am, so idk why I torture myself this way)) - like most stuff you get from a secondhand store is a bit worn so why is secondhand embarrassment always SO FRESH and PAINFUL

Experiencing the most daylight he’d in ages because of the Feast of the Winter Star pissed Alex off. Giving this moment to all the villagers? That pissed him off. Mayor Lewis standing in the centre of the square? Fuck him.

Alex was more rugged up than usual, wearing one of Grandpa George’s old coats, and he stood near Willy, but not close enough to bug him, because he was talking up a storm with Marlon. So he mostly stood in front Dr Harvey’s and tried not to stare at Sebastian hanging out with Sam and Abigail, Vincent and Jas, on the opposite side of the square, because he was totally normal and not a desperate asshole.

Haley came up to him, already waggling her nails in the air for him to see. Up close – once he’d grabbed one of her wiggling hands to keep the fingers still – he saw they were painted red with tiny little beaded ornaments on each nail, and some kind of lacquer on top of that to stop the beads from scraping on anything. Because she’d used real beads.

‘What the fuck, Hales?’ Alex said, staring at them. ‘Did you paint these yourself?’

She’d managed to create the feel of a bauble, the metallic shine, little highlights, shadows, even patterns on something as small as a fingernail.

‘Of course,’ she said.

‘When’d you get so good at art?’

‘What? I’m not- I mean they’re just circles, Alex. The paint’s doing all the work.’

Alex stared at her, and Haley’s cheeks were already pink from the chill, but he was pretty sure she’d be blushing otherwise. She eventually shrugged and looked at her nails.

‘I’ve been learning how to paint miniatures, experimenting, that sort of thing. I’ll never be like Leah, but-’

‘I mean I fucking hate her sculptures, but whatever.’

‘Alex!’ Haley said, laughing, bumping her shoulder into his.

‘Sorry. I’m too dumb for abstract shit.’

‘You’re so not.’

‘Miniatures, huh? You gonna do them on paper too? Or…canvas or whatever it’s called?’

‘Emily thinks I should go into screen-printing.’

‘Right, because that’ll help her. What do you want to do?’

‘I bought some tiny canvases,’ Haley said in an excited rush. ‘I’m going to try it. And a magnifying glass, I had to ask Gunther if he knew of any good places and he told me to go to Clint, and blergh. I don’t want to talk to Clint about anything. He’s just going to tell me how much he loves Emily. Or he does that thing where even if he doesn’t mention it, he just constantly somehow mentions it with his whole entire being.’

Alex opened his mouth to agree and then closed it because wasn’t he kind of like Clint? He wasn’t as overbearing about it with other people – he fucking hoped – and Sebastian didn’t know, so he’d managed to not do that to him, but still…

‘Anyway so I asked Clint,’ Haley said, ‘and he was pumped about someone asking him about something like that, and I learned a lot about magnifying glasses.’

‘You did, huh?’

‘And then he told me Sebastian uses them too, because he paints miniatures for his tabletop gaming geeky shit.’

‘God, what a nerd,’ Alex said, staring at Sebastian across the town square, knowing he’d never hear the insult. What a lost opportunity.

Sebastian looked hot today. He was wearing a coat that went all the way down to the back of his knees and made his shoulders look broader than normal. He was taller than Sam and Abigail and had his hands in his pockets and a kind of slouch to him like he was deigning to be there. Alex would love to pull off that kind of attitude, but he knew Sebastian wasn't pretending. He was deigning to be there. Amazing. Dude was thinking he was better than the entire town right now. Incredible.

‘Right?’ Haley said. ‘So then I messaged Sebastian about it, and he said he’d give you one of his old ones that he’s not using anymore the next time you go clean, because they can be expensive, and he got a budget one first to make sure he liked painting while using one.’

‘Everyone sure is artistic around here,’ Alex said, looking around.

‘Sometimes you act like hobbies are a disease,’ Haley said, laughing and unphased. ‘Anyway, what’s it like to be in the light of day? You have the grossest circles under your eyes.’

‘Thanks.’

‘You shaved your depression beard.’

‘Shut up, it’s so not a depression- Whatever. Yeah. Sebastian said something about it.’

‘He looks like a model today,’ Haley said, which was both true and super unhelpful, because Alex was trying not to think about that. He also had no idea what he expected after Sebastian insisted on him coming to the festival, the complete lack of acknowledgement aside from brief eye contact when they saw each other, felt horribly familiar. ‘That duster had to cost him a ton of money with that fit.’

‘Duster? Don’t people use those for cleaning?’

‘It’s the type of coat he’s wearing,’ Haley said.

‘Weird.’

‘Have you seen the tree? It’s not the same.’

Alex thought it was shit, but he knew the townspeople had tried their best, and he felt guilty he hadn’t been there to continue Grandma Evelyn’s tradition. He’d never really helped her with that kind of stuff, though he’d offered to the year before, and she’d waved him off and said it wasn’t “men’s stuff.” Alex didn’t know it belonged to women, but whatever.

‘It’s okay, I guess,’ Alex said. ‘They tried.’

‘I might help out next year. I remember how she used to like it. You could help me?’

Alex just nodded.

He realised he didn’t want to be here. He loved Haley to pieces, but he didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to see the little table they’d set up for Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George, like they’d forgotten they wouldn’t be there this year. He hated seeing Sebastian talking and laughing with Sam and Abigail, and the constant, low-grade nausea wondering if they were laughing about him. For years and years, that’s exactly what they used to do.

Fuck, they were going to be there on Wednesday while Alex cleaned. Fuck.

Mayor Lewis had left him off the gift list, and Alex figured he probably had a reason. Alex was poor, maybe Mayor Lewis knew he wouldn’t be able to afford to get anyone something. But it hurt that he didn’t at least bring it up. Maybe he thought Alex would mention it at the beginning of the season, when he didn’t get a letter.

Even listening to Willy and Marlon talking kind of hurt, in its own way. Willy only really talked to him when it was just the two of them, but otherwise he always talked to other people first.

The farmer, Martingale, wasn’t even here. Alex didn’t think he’d been at last year’s either and remembered hearing someone say something about him being too busy, even though everyone knew there were no crops to harvest at the end of winter.

‘I’m going to get something to eat, do you want anything?’ Haley said.

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘I’m good.’

Haley gave him a long look, then walked off, and Alex was glad the stupid fucking festival meant spring was nearly here. Finally. Winter was the worst.

*

Alex planned on going home before the giant gift exchange happened, but Haley grasped his sleeve and pulled him into the crowd. Alex didn’t like standing close to all these people. No one had spoken more than a greeting to him except for Haley. He didn’t belong here. He couldn’t spontaneously make conversation and he didn’t want to. He stared down at the cobblestones and wondered if Mayor Lewis wanted him to just…leave the town.

Alex could sell the giant house of his grandparents or something, and a nicer family could move into the Valley.

He listened to folks exchanging their gifts. Jas got a terrarium from Vincent, much to Marnie’s dismay. Shane got a plush blue chicken toy from Emily, which he seemed genuinely abashed and pleased to get, and he stood next to her after that, and his expression was soft. Clint got several bags of preserved fruit from the farmer, which Mayor Lewis handed to him on Martingale’s behalf. Sebastian got a small wooden sculpture of a frog from his mom, Robin, and they laughed about the fact they got each other in the exchange.

Alex rolled his eyes, it wasn’t like Mayor Lewis didn’t know in advance who was getting assigned to who, because he made the fucking list.

Towards the end, Alex realised he had no idea why Sebastian had insisted he come to the Feast. He was getting ready to head off when Mayor Lewis said:

‘What’s this? Oh! I see there’s one more present beneath the tree. Who didn’t get their gift?’

A chill went down Alex’s spine, like a damned horror movie.

He watched – already half-turned towards his house because he seriously just wanted to go – and Mayor Lewis picked up the last present. It was wrapped in shiny black paper, and it was shaped like a giant book, and the chill in Alex’s bones spread.

He didn’t know what he’d expected, initially, when Sebastian had asked him to come. Maybe that Sebastian might hand him a gift? Or say hi and keep him company?

‘Hm,’ Mayor Lewis said, and Alex thought he sounded low-key pissed and was trying to look curious and sweet-natured. ‘This is for Alex! It doesn’t say who it’s from.’

Mayor Lewis looked at him, and Alex had gone completely blank, because when an older man stared at him like that, he had a reflexive instinct to lie down or start crying. It was kind of hilarious.

He felt numb – though not fucking numb enough – when he had to angle past Pierre and Kent to take the gift from Mayor Lewis.

‘Thanks,’ he said. He made to leave and join the crowd again because everyone was looking at him. Everyone was fucking looking at him. Haley had an expression on her face, like she understood just how horrible this was. Alex had the sudden realisation that maybe it was a trick. Maybe Sebastian was getting revenge. After all this time, Alex had stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop, he’d stopped expecting to be the punchline to one of Sebastian’s jokes.

But standing in front of everyone, with no gift giver in front of him, and Sebastian at the back with Sam and Abigail, like he wasn’t a part of this…

God, did Mayor Lewis think Alex had gotten the gift for himself?

‘Open it,’ Clint said from the crowd.

‘Yes! Maybe it will say who it’s from inside,’ Marnie said.

Alex couldn’t breathe. His throat felt like it was the size of a pinhole as he sucked down his next breath and ripped the wrapping paper, which was thick and expensive.

It was a book. Because of course it fucking was. A hardback book on the wildflowers in Stardew Valley. No one had gotten him a book as a present in his fucking life.

‘Mom, I thought he can’t read,’ Vincent said to Jodi, in what the young teen thought was an undertone, but really wasn’t when everyone was being so quiet.

‘Shhh!’

Alex’s fingers clutched the book harder, and he refused to look at Sebastian, because tears were coming to his eyes. Turned out he couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t be blank in front of the whole town like this. He was better at it back when he’d been a kid, he was out of practice.

‘Well! What a lovely book!’ Mayor Lewis said, clapping Alex on the back. ‘And with that, the gift exchange is complete. Now for some minor housekeeping…’

As Mayor Lewis talked about the upcoming spring, and plans for the Valley – Pierre saying something about new crops and seeds in stock – Pam said to Penny:

‘Did he give anyone anything?’

Alex’s face burned. He ducked into the crowd – not big enough to really hide him – and side-stepped away from Haley when she tried to reach him. There were people in front of her, and Alex was too fast. Mayor Lewis was still talking to the town when Alex got home. The crowd was still out there when he closed the door behind him.

He wanted to slam it, but they’d all fucking hear it.

He dropped the book on the kitchen table and listened to his breathing as though from a distance. His chest was tight like a fist, every breath cascaded into the next, one after the other, faster and faster, and if it wasn’t for the fact that this had happened before, he’d think he was dying. Instead he bent double, eyes wet, nose already blocked, as he breathed too fast to have a fucking hope of getting it under control.

It was hilarious to him that hyperventilating was such a long word, when almost no one who was doing it could fucking say the whole thing in one breath. His chest was killing him. The pain knotting up, his gut cold and slimy.

Fucking panic attack, he was so angry at himself, it’d been ages since he’d done this.

The door opened and Alex slammed a hand over his mouth. Then he managed:

‘N-Not now, Haley.’

He was still panting, because the fear of someone seeing him like this didn’t stop it from happening. His dad once tried to beat it out of him, and Alex had just panic attacked himself into unconsciousness.

In a way, it meant his dad’s technique worked.

When Alex saw Sebastian in the kitchen doorway, he looked frantically behind him for Sam and Abigail, didn’t know what he was going to do. Everything was so far out of his control.

‘Get… Get the fuck out,’ Alex managed.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said, holding up his hands. ‘I’m sorry. I saw that playing out so differently to how it played out.’

‘Get out!’

He couldn’t shout, he couldn’t get the breath to manage the volume and no way did he want the whole town hearing him shouting either. The walls were strong and solid, but they weren’t thick enough to stop a town only a short distance away from hearing him lose his absolute fucking mind.

Sebastian didn’t look like he thought it was funny, but him seeing Alex like this was somehow worse. Alex didn’t show anyone this side of himself.

‘Please,’ Alex managed, when Sebastian didn’t leave.

Sebastian looked at the book on the kitchen table, looked at Alex, his face screwed up, and he left the kitchen. But he didn’t fucking leave the house, he went into the lounge. Alex didn’t want anyone to hear him, no one at all, so he left the kitchen and walked into his room and closed the door, grabbed a pillow, and shoved it over his face.

He slid down to the floor and half-suffocated himself with the pillow – he knew from past experience it could help, even though it felt like torture – and got the stupid material wet with his tears and felt like his life was over.

The worst part was that it wasn’t, really.

Maybe someone would jokingly ask him to read a section of the book to them. Maybe someone would ask who got him a present like that if he couldn’t read it.

He made a low, guttural noise, feeling like he was being turned inside out, and then his breathing finally started to calm the fuck down. He kept the pillow over his face. His phone buzzed.

His hand was shaking as he dragged his phone out of his pocket. It was Haley.

What’s happening, is Sebastian there?

Alex stared at the message, then with trembling fingers he managed a badly spelled reply.

Two minutes later the front door opened again.

‘You can’t be here, hey,’ Haley said to Sebastian, after she closed the door. ‘What were you thinking? Even I know that was fucked up!’

Alex didn’t hear Sebastian’s reply, but he must have given one. Maybe he was giving a long one, because Alex didn’t hear Haley’s voice for a while.

‘Seb, you’ve got to use your brain sometimes,’ Haley said, sounding disappointed and exasperated at the same time. ‘How did you think that would look?’

More silence. Alex stopped trying to listen out for something that would make sense. Haley hadn’t left yet, and Alex stretched his bent legs out and stood. His breathing was still off kilter, but it wasn’t as bad as before. He tossed the pillow onto his bed and rubbed his wet, sweaty face. Even his hair was damp.

He grabbed a tissue and wiped his nose, sniffed hesitantly a few times, and wished he didn’t have to go out there, but he couldn’t leave Haley running interference for him like this.

He opened the door and heard nothing at all. Haley leaned against the lounge doorway, she sighed when she saw him.

‘I’m fine,’ he said in response. He heard his voice and winced. ‘Just didn’t expect it.’

‘No one did. Sebastian thought he’d save the day and did not land the execution. Like, my dude,’ Haley said, turning to him. ‘My dude, seriously?’

‘I didn’t know it would play out like that,’ Sebastian said, sounding unhappy.

‘I dunno,’ Alex said, standing behind Haley. Sebastian was beside the fireplace, which had coals burning in it. He looked like he could be a professional assassin. ‘If you’d done that to me as a teenager, you would’ve won.’

‘Ah shit,’ Sebastian said, staring at the floor.

‘So you’re up? You’re talking now?’ Haley said to Alex. ‘I think you two should talk about this. I’m going home, because Emily just decided her new business idea is making plush toys, and she said she wanted to set up the lounge as a toy making studio, and I have to go give her a smack.’

Alex’s smile was weak. ‘Say hi to her from me.’

‘Absolutely not,’ Haley said, looking pretty mad about it. ‘She already uses the kitchen, her giant bedroom, the sewing room, and now she wants the lounge? She’s older, but she’s not wiser.’

Sebastian exhaled a breath of laughter. Haley turned to him.

‘Do better,’ she said, ‘or I’ll paint your motorcycle with nail polish.’ To Alex she said: ‘Message me if he’s a douche.’

Alex almost said Sebastian was a douche all the time, and something on Haley’s face said she knew that. Her smile was warm, a little worried, and Alex just nodded to her, and she left.

Alex reluctantly took her place, leaning against the doorframe.

‘Can we talk?’ Sebastian said.

‘You really didn’t mean for that to be some kind of…? Because as far as revenge plots go, it’s good, you know. It’s effective.’

Sebastian looked miserable. It didn’t suit him, and Alex hated it.

He walked into the lounge and sat down heavily, leaning back into the armchair, because he was tired.

‘Fucking talk then, go on. I’m listening.’

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Scream When You Need Me':

"‘Look,’ Sebastian said, then ran a hand through his hair, which still looked stylishly dishevelled. ‘I thought- I mean for a start, I thought…’

Sebastian lowered himself to the floor and looked even more miserable.

‘I made a mistake,’ he said. ‘I wanted to give it to you – the book – but I thought that would be worse, somehow. Because I’d already given mom a present. I’m so angry. At myself, not you. I’m so- I don’t think I realised how much you kept to yourself at festivals. I always saw you with your grandparents, or Haley. And I thought you’d feel good if you saw how pissed it made Mayor Lewis. But you’re like… I mean I think the town thought it was you just being you, but you’re scared of him.’

‘Great,’ Alex said, unable to keep the words inside this time, ‘so now this is about how you feel sorry because you didn’t realise how fucking pathetic I am?’

‘That’s not it,’ Sebastian said.

‘Sounds like that’s exactly it. Sounds like you thought I’d take it on the chin, be like, “Ha ha, Mayor Lewis, fuck you,” and then what, laugh it off like it was some giant joke?’

Sebastian had a look on his face which made Alex feel despairing, because yep, that was exactly what he’d thought.

‘A fucking book?’ Alex said, his hands clenching on the armrests of the chair before he straightened. ‘What the fuck?’"

*

Alex might be done with suppressing his anger at the moment sdalkfjasdfsda better brace yourself for a storm YOU ENTIRELY EARNED SEBASTIAN *coughs*

Look a wild Tumblr!!

Chapter 25: Scream When You Need Me

Notes:

Time for some sorely needed conversation to happen after the secondhand embarrassment of the previous chapter. Honestly, kind of glad Alex got angry in this one instead of just solely angry at himself (though he can manage both, it's okay!)

‘Do you need a drink or something?’ Sebastian said, in Alex’s home, like he was ready to host here too. Alex knew he’d be good at it after seeing how easily Sebastian navigated the kitchen.

‘Just…talk,’ Alex said.

‘Look,’ Sebastian said, then ran a hand through his hair, which still looked stylishly dishevelled. ‘I thought- I mean for a start, I thought…’

Sebastian lowered himself to the floor and looked even more miserable.

‘I made a mistake,’ he said. ‘I wanted to give it to you – the book – but I thought that would be worse, somehow. Because I’d already given mom a present. I’m so angry. At myself, not you. I’m so- I don’t think I realised how much you kept to yourself at festivals. I always saw you with your grandparents, or Haley. And I thought you’d feel good if you saw how pissed it made Mayor Lewis. But you’re like… I mean I think the town thought it was you just being you, but you’re scared of him.’

‘Great,’ Alex said, unable to keep the words inside this time, ‘so now this is about how you feel sorry because you didn’t realise how fucking pathetic I am?’

‘That’s not it,’ Sebastian said.

‘Sounds like that’s exactly it. Sounds like you thought I’d take it on the chin, be like, “Ha ha, Mayor Lewis, fuck you,” and then what, laugh it off like it was some giant joke?’

Sebastian had a look on his face which made Alex feel despairing, because yep, that was exactly what he’d thought.

‘A fucking book?’ Alex said, his hands clenching on the armrests of the chair before he straightened. ‘What the fuck?’

‘Hang on, hear me out, I didn’t exactly have time. And the book is good, I promise. I didn’t… Look, I’ll show you.’

‘I’m not going to fucking read it.’

‘Hang on,’ Sebastian said, his voice firm as he pushed up and went into the kitchen. He walked back in with the hardback book and sat on the floor again, opening it so the pages faced Alex, flicking through them. It was all illustrations of flowers, with names and scientific names. There were bits and pieces of information on some pages, but it was mostly just illustrations.

‘It’s a fucking picture book?’

‘Yoba’s ass,’ Sebastian said, sounding like he was pretty fucking angry at Alex, too. ‘It’s an art book. An art book! I wasn’t condescending to you. I wasn’t trying to make the town comment on your reading ability. I didn’t know they’d be so rude about it. I could’ve shaken Vincent when he said that.’

‘He’s just a kid, you can’t fucking hurt a kid!’ Alex said sharply.

Sebastian’s eyes widened, and he closed the book and lowered it into his lap. He stared at Alex for a long time.

‘I was joking,’ Sebastian said, his voice less sharp than before. ‘It was a bad joke. I wasn’t planning on actually… Like, I’m not going to hurt a kid! I just think he was rude.’

‘He only said what most of the town thinks,’ Alex said roughly, sagging back into the chair. ‘So who cares?’

‘I mean you obviously care,’ Sebastian said.

He got up again, started putting wood onto the fire, and Alex wondered at what point he grew into a guy who took charge of things. Even when he was delegating things like cleaning chores to Alex, he still took charge, he knew exactly what he wanted, unlike Jodi who had no idea.

‘I made a mistake,’ Sebastian said again, facing the fire with its growing flames. ‘I’m sorry, Alex. I have this thing where sometimes I get something in my head, and I think it’s automatically going to play out the way I imagine. But normally when it goes wrong, it’s not this bad. Well, except for that time Wentworth divorced me. But that was worse for me. Today was definitely worse for you.’

‘Yeah… Well.’

‘Do you have things like that often? The- The panic attack?’

‘Nah.’

‘Have you had them before?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. Sebastian scowled briefly, and Alex knew it was because he was giving one-word answers. He wiped at his face again, but there weren’t any tears left. Just the clamminess from whatever that whole episode had been. ‘Hate them. I had them more when I was younger, which is weird.’

‘Is that weird?’ Sebastian said, his voice even quieter. ‘Just, with your dad…’

Alex’s skin crawled, he rubbed at the goosebumps on his upper arm absently.

‘I guess,’ he said.

‘I didn’t realise how alone…you’d be,’ Sebastian said, like he realised halfway through the sentence that most people didn’t just say this shit without thinking it through first. Sebastian had like no filter. It was kind of amazing. It also meant Alex really didn’t think he was lying. It meant he got to believe that maybe he had made a mistake after all.

‘Did you laugh about it with them? With Sam and Abigail?’

‘I literally came here about as fast as I could once you left,’ Sebastian said. ‘Mayor Lewis tried to pull me aside because he could tell the wrapping paper was mine. That’s it. I’m not- I wasn’t laughing about it, Alex. It wasn’t funny.’

‘You would’ve found it funny once.’

‘Okay, so we’re talking about it now? All the ways I used to hurt you? Because you would’ve found it funny once, too, if the same thing happened to me.’

Alex cringed. But Sebastian had already turned back to the fire, he exhaled abruptly, hands on his hips.

‘Even saying that, it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t the same, was it? I don’t remember you getting Haley to be mean to me or my friends. Like she could be mean in general, but that was just her. I didn’t want to remind you of that time in your life. I wasn’t trying to get you back, or make you feel… I really thought you’d like the book, after what you told me about flowers. Okay? That’s all. I thought you’d like it. I thought Mayor Lewis deserved to see you exist in the town, instead of getting his petty fucking revenge for you quitting on him. I thought the town should see you get something after your grandparents died. I thought of all those things, and I didn’t think past it to reality.’

‘Reality,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah, Alex, the reality where you’re a massive loner – more than I ever was – and you don’t really like people, or doing things, and you’re scared of the Mayor, and living like you hate living.’

Tell me what you really think, huh?

Alex couldn’t disagree with any of it. He wasn’t even mad. Well, not that mad.

‘Give me the book then,’ Alex said abruptly, leaning forwards and holding his hand out. ‘Come on.’

Sebastian handed it over, and Alex took it, and told himself his eyes didn’t linger on Sebastian’s strong, elegant fingers, because that would be dumb.

He opened the book and flicked through it slowly, and the pictures didn’t hurt his eyes, and the art was really nice. He paused on the daffodils. There were apparently five different kinds in the Valley. He knew three of them, but not their names. Maybe his mom would have liked that, knowing they all had different names.

Alex sighed when he got to the sweet peas. There were several pages on them.

It was kind of a great present.

‘I didn’t even get you anything,’ Alex said.

‘I know,’ Sebastian said slowly, sounding annoyed, ‘because we literally decided this last night and I didn’t give you a choice. If you get upset at yourself for not getting me a gift, I’m going to have something to say about it.’

‘You’re so pushy,’ Alex muttered.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, the same volume as before, not even letting it slide.

‘Didn’t you say you went to therapy?’

‘Not to change my entire personality,’ Sebastian said. ‘What do you think a therapist does? They’re not trying to make me into the nicest person on the planet.’

Alex rested the closed book in his lap and could’ve laughed, this was so ridiculous. All the rest of the town still outside and eating from the buffet tables, and here he was with Sebastian. It was way better, but he wished he hadn’t needed to have the panic attack to get it.

‘Were you always pushy?’ Alex said.

‘Not like I am now,’ Sebastian said, smirking. ‘But yeah, kind of. I mean sometimes it’s a big problem, like today, I really- I really am sorry about today. Next time I have some grand idea about something I’ll remember to run it by you first.’

‘You do just kind of decide to do things, like breaking into the Community Centre.’

‘That’s fun though,’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah, okay, that’s… Sure. I mean I don’t hate it. Besides, I don’t decide to do anything.’

Sebastian’s smile was a little rueful, and Alex looked down at the book again. No one had ever, ever gotten him a book as a gift before. And it would’ve felt like a joke, except the art was so nice, and he did like flowers, and they’d talked about it, and it had seemed like a good moment between them. Sebastian had thought about him, and now Alex had this book.

Sebastian was the one who always said he knew Alex could read.

‘I’m controlling,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s almost sweet of you to use the word pushy, but I’m pretty controlling. Like, in my personal life, in my professional life. You’ll notice I don’t ever work in a team of people, or at least, not in a team that’s standing around me. And I run the gaming campaigns, I’m always the DM – Dungeon Master – in charge. I like to be the one who decides what I do with my friends.’

‘Sounds stressful.’

‘I love it,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s probably the hardest when I’m out in the mines, because obviously that’s a lot less in my control. But I relax most when I have control of stuff. You don’t feel the same way?’

‘I don’t think I really know what it feels like,’ Alex said. ‘But I guess the more responsibility I get, the more I freak out that I’m going to fuck up. Is that why you kind of seem so comfortable in my house? It’s a control thing?’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘Do you hate it?’

‘No,’ Alex said.

He really didn’t. Maybe he should, but it made him feel settled to see someone not being awkward and unsettled. He loved when Haley was the same, just opening cabinets and getting herself something to drink – though he didn’t mind hosting – and using the house like it was her own.

‘You must be exhausted,’ Sebastian said. ‘Are you going to get some rest? It’s technically late for the both of us, and you had… Well. You’d have reasons to be extra tired.’

‘Do you like controlling people, too?’ Alex said.

He didn’t know quite why he’d asked, or why it made him feel electric to think about. Sebastian gave him a kind of look, and Alex felt a corresponding alertness in his own body, an awareness that grew, that had him paying attention to this whole moment.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘I do. It’s one of the reasons I saw the therapist, because I’d been trying to control aspects of Wentworth’s life without his permission, and it was one of the many reasons our relationship fell apart. There were some areas where…Wentworth liked it, you know, being controlled. He needed the pushiness, sometimes, because it was the only way he got to take a break. His mind never stops. He’d work twenty-four hours a day if his body let him. But there were other areas where it was never my place to try and take over his life. The business side of the farm, especially, I think that really got to him in the end.’

Alex wanted so badly to ask if Sebastian was talking about sex when he’d mentioned that Wentworth liked it, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He thought about the way Sebastian pinned him to the wall, and he looked down at the book. This wasn’t a great time to be thinking about Sebastian that way.

‘My therapist called it intensity,’ Sebastian said. ‘She said I live intensely. It surprised me because I didn’t ever think of myself that way.’

‘You didn’t? You- You have a motorbike licence.’

‘Yeah, she said that too,’ Sebastian said, laughing.

‘You stand in the rain and shit. You like- Look at what you wear to a Winter Star festival.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, a light dancing in his green-black eyes as he laughed.

‘You break into places for fun!’

‘I do that too.’

‘How were you thinking about yourself, that you didn’t realise you were intense?’

‘I knew I could be intense in moments,’ Sebastian said, smiling, looking charming as anything. ‘But I thought my life was staid and boring. I didn’t really care. I played my video games, I did my tabletop gaming, I didn’t think nerdy things like that were intense. I do computer coding. Not exactly an intense job. But she pointed out that it’s a lot to do with how I go about doing it all. She helped me realise I enjoy living intensely. With intention. Even coming back here, I did it with intention, and I did it in a very invested way. I knew what I was doing when I decided to get Mom to build me a this house. I knew how that would seem, and I wanted… I guess I wanted the respect of the town, the Valley.’

‘These people you don’t care about.’

‘I care about them in my own way,’ Sebastian said. ‘I just hate small town politics, unless I’m winning at them. I realised it all over again today, seeing you out there with them. I built my house in a way that feels like it’s part of the Valley but separate to it as well. It was all on purpose. I’ve returned, but not really. But you never left, and it shits me that no one was nicer to you today. Your grandparents died not that fucking long ago. Why was no one like…talking to you? Aside from Haley?’

‘You didn’t talk to me.’

‘Yeah- I…’ Sebastian frowned. He had a strange expression on his face, not quite anger, but an unhappiness that might have been regret. Alex wasn’t quite sure how to interpret it. ‘Maybe I’m not as separate from small town politics as I think I am. That’s entirely on me.’

Alex shrugged.

They sat in silence, and Alex felt vaguely guilty that he hadn’t offered Sebastian something to drink. But he knew if Sebastian was really thirsty, he’d get something. He was that kind of guy.

After a while, he opened the book again, and found the coneflowers. He’d always liked their weird, downward leaning petals.

‘You never talk about your dad,’ Sebastian said. ‘Should I just not bring him up? Do you think it’s- Do you think you shouldn’t talk about him? Have you just never done it?’

‘Wow,’ Alex said, staring at the book.

Sebastian didn’t say anything, he was waiting for answers, Alex could tell. So Alex crossed his legs – ankle resting on his knee – and looked towards the fireplace, wondering what Sebastian saw when he stared at him in that focused way.

‘You want me to answer all of those questions?’ Alex said, buying time.

‘Yeah.’

Alex rolled his eyes. ‘Most people don’t say anything.’

‘If by “most people,” you mean the fuckers out there who didn’t do a damned thing to help you out all morning, then I wouldn’t think they were doing you any favours.’

‘Oh look, Sebastian’s talking about how much he hates the town again.’

‘Just answer the questions or tell me you won’t. Just talk to me.’

Alex ground his teeth together. That was the thing, he kind of wanted to answer the questions, he just wasn’t used to talking about it. He didn’t want to tell Sebastian to fuck off, because he always had the sense that maybe Sebastian really wanted to know. That was kind of an okay feeling, sometimes. Or it was becoming okay.

‘Um. You can bring him up, but I’m not always going to say something,’ Alex said, watching the flames lick the logs, curling around them, before moving up towards the chimney. ‘I don’t think I should be talking about him. And I don’t do it.’

‘Not with Haley either? Because you didn’t talk to her about being gay, either, did you?’

‘I haven’t talked to anyone about him,’ Alex said.

‘Your grandparents?’

‘Oh no, damn, not them. I would never tell them about him.’

‘Why? They loved you. Don’t you think-’

‘That’s why,’ Alex said, biting his bottom lip. ‘That’s why. Because they cared. Because it hurt them to know. Because I didn’t want to hurt them more. It was bad enough that they knew bits and pieces of what happened to Mom – their daughter – but I couldn’t…do that to them. No way, man.’

‘As a kid? You made that decision as a little kid?’

Alex felt strange and peaceable about it. Maybe the panic attack had leached him of any remaining peaks of fear because this part wasn’t as hard to talk about as he thought it would be.

‘Mom went through a lot, you know,’ Alex said, wishing he didn’t have so many memories of her tear-streaked face, and so few of her happiness. ‘I think there comes a point where you realise you can do things in a way that means you’re not adding to it. You’re not giving someone you care for extra hurt. So I made the decision to be like that a long time ago. It must seem weird to you, given I treated you pretty terribly as a teenager.’

Sebastian opened his mouth, an indrawn breath like he wanted to say something, and then he shook his head and seemed contemplative.

‘What were you going to say?’ Alex said.

‘You learned how to stop being honest with people as a child,’ Sebastian said.

Alex stared at him. That was how he saw it?

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, like he was coming to some conclusion. ‘I get it. I get why you don’t give me answers half the time. You don’t do it to be annoying. Or you don’t do it just to be annoying.’

‘Sometimes I do,’ Alex said laconically. ‘You get pretty pissed about it.’

‘But the reality is you also…have no practice. Haley’s nice, and she loves you, so she’s not going to push you like that. That’s cool. I’m not nice like she is. You can learn to talk to me about your stuff. You’re already doing it more.’

Alex swallowed. He felt…seen, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that. Sebastian could tell Alex had felt scared of Mayor Lewis. He’d come over immediately after Alex had fled because he knew Alex was upset. He didn’t leave when Alex told him to leave. But he apologised, he pressed for answers, he wasn’t like anyone else Alex had ever met.

‘You need to get some sleep,’ Sebastian said, grunting as he pushed himself up. ‘Are you going to keep the book or what?’

‘I’ll keep it,’ Alex said, clutching it defensively, worried Sebastian was going to take it from him.

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said, a faint smile at the corners of his mouth. ‘You don’t hate it?’

‘I… No. I don’t hate it. It’s… It’s nice. I guess.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, like he knew Alex would like it all along.

Smug motherfucker.

‘Anyway, get some sleep. I’ll see you in a few days.’

Sebastian idly knocked the doorframe a few times as he walked out, and then the front door closed behind him. He didn’t even wait for Alex to see him off.

Alex wished he could be honest enough to tell Sebastian he hated cleaning while Sam and Abigail were there, but decided he’d deal with that on Wednesday. He opened the book in his lap once more and went through the pages more slowly this time and thought he could learn the names of all the flowers in the Valley. He’d enjoy that. He wouldn’t do it with Sebastian’s intensity, but in his own, quieter way.

 

Notes:

I took ages agonising over what excerpt to put here, but in our next chapter, Made Up Your Absent Mind:

"‘Your dad was a piece of shit,’ Abigail said. ‘And that’s what your mom decided to marry.’

Alex felt cold. No one really came after his mom except for his dad. No one.

‘No wonder she got cancer to get away from you, to get away from any reminder of him.’

Alex almost had to sit down, right then. He almost sat down on the guest bed because his knees did something like they didn’t want to lock anymore. But somehow, he stayed standing. The stupid, stupid thing was he’d heard this all before. Sebastian was the first one to say it, back in high school. Alex had given him a black eye that day, and they’d all used it as proof that Alex was exactly like his father and kept saying it.

‘I’m just saying I remember,’ Abigail said. ‘Sebastian seems to think you’re okay, but I have his back. We all have his back.’

‘I’m literally just cleaning,’ Alex said finally.

‘You can act like you’ve changed, but-’

She turned, and Alex heard:

‘Hey, Abi? What’re you doing?’

That was Sam.

Fuck me, Alex thought."

*

Time for Sebastian to officially pick a side in all of this, I think!

Y'all I'm a few chapters ahead on this story and do I have an excerpt up on Tumblr on the first time the slow burn officially starts burning? I sure do.

Chapter 26: Made Up Your Absent Mind

Notes:

Note: This chapter is very Abigail critical, and paints her as someone who is still a bully, vs. someone who has grown out of it. I apologise to the folks who love Abigail!!

Cleaning Jodi and Kent’s house was complicated because she kind of followed him from room to room and he felt like she didn’t trust him, even though she mostly kept up a friendly stream of conversation. It was also weird because it was night-time, so everyone was home except for Kent, who was out by the river smoking cigarettes and looking pretty unaffected by the cold, which made Alex wonder what sort of shit he saw in the war.

Or maybe he just liked the cold.

Cleaning the house was also complicated because Jodi seemed so easily impressed by the most basic cleaning shit. Sebastian didn’t really offer a ton of praise about Alex’s work, though he instinctively knew if Sebastian didn’t like it, he wouldn’t keep paying him higher than market rates. But Jodi kept marvelling at everything Alex did.

Alex stood in the bathroom staring up at the vent, then said:

‘Um, excuse me, Ma’am, do you have a stepladder?’

‘Hm? Oh, yes! Of course! Oh you’re not going to clean that old thing, are you? No one cleans those.’

Alex nodded like he agreed with her, and then she went to get him a stepladder, and he sagged, his shoulders slumping. Fuck. Jodi just talked. He’d learned more about Vincent, Sam, Kent, Jodi’s life, her friends, than he had in his entire life. She didn’t even seem judgemental about shit, she just wouldn’t shut up.

But when Alex went up the stepladder, she fell quiet. Alex gently removed the vent that was caked with dust – this thing hadn’t been working for years, he was sure – then coughed at the cloud that followed. He laughed afterwards.

‘You must think I’m terrible, letting it get like this,’ Jodi said, as Alex took the vent to the laundry sink to deal with it there. He pulled clumps of dust off and put them directly in the garbage bag he had with him, then sprayed the vent with diluted dishwashing liquid, and let it soak.

‘No,’ Alex said, frowning. ‘Why?’

‘It’s just… With Kent away, and raising Vincent, and of course Sam was no help…’

‘I’m not judging, Ma’am.’

‘Call me Jodi,’ she said.

Alex smiled, felt the satisfaction of years of dust simply coming free as he scrubbed the vent. ‘There’s nothing terrible about finding it hard to get to all the things you want to get to. You had two kids in the home, and like, you must’ve been worried about Kent a lot. But even if you didn’t have those things, sometimes it’s just hard.’

‘Caroline’s very clean,’ Jodi said.

‘There’s nothing wrong with like, just having stuff that matters to you more than finding the energy to have a constantly clean house. Like, maybe you chose to spend more time with Vincent or Sam. Or maybe you wanted to be with friends more. Or maybe you were just tired or something.’

‘That’s an interesting way to think about it,’ Jodi said.

She mellowed out after that, though she continued to follow Alex from room to room.

The reality was Alex didn’t get to everything he wanted to in Jodi’s house during that first shift. He did the most important stuff first even though it wasn’t his preference to start with vacuuming and mopping.

Afterwards he cleaned the windowsills and the doorframes, the doorknobs and the light switches. Vincent’s doorknob was disgustingly sticky, and Sam’s had what looked like pizza sauce or old blood on it. Probably pizza sauce. He learned Vincent kept bits and pieces from the outside world on his windowsill, including dead bugs which had to be there on purpose, because they were all lined up in a row, from smallest to largest.

Vincent didn’t stay to watch him clean, but Alex made sure all the bugs were put back exactly how he’d found them.

Fucking gross, though.

There was no time to properly clean the bedding the way he wanted to, so he changed it, and felt awful that he’d created extra loads of washing for Jodi. But now that he didn’t have to clean the vents and other things that thoroughly again…

Still, changing and washing the bedding for three beds was a lot. Their washing machine was smaller than Sebastian’s, and their dryer wasn’t great.

It reminded him of being back home. The washing machine might have even been the same model his mom upgraded to after handwashing everything when they’d lived in the caravan.

‘Next time – if you want me back – I’ll be able to get to more. Today I could get to some stuff that will make it way easier and faster in the future. I’m sorry I couldn’t…stay longer.’

He felt like he should stay and completely clean the house, but he kept thinking of Sebastian talking about being paid fair rates, and not doing work for free in small villages, because that was how you never got paid. But Jodi also didn’t have a ton of money, and Alex wanted to make her house look good for her.

‘I hope…this helps,’ he said awkwardly.

‘Seriously, so much,’ she said in a rush. ‘So much. I haven’t seen my house look like this in such a long time. I mean I do vacuum! But all of it at once? Sometimes it seems like the dishes alone take forever! And the vents being cleaned like that. You do everything.’

Alex hadn’t done half the shit he wanted to do. He’d looked up at the light shades at one point with a sinking feeling when he realised they’d all have to come off and be cleaned, one by one. Sebastian’s house was new, so his light shades just needed dusting, but Jodi’s needed to be cleaned.

‘I wish I could pay you more,’ she said, as she handed him the money. ‘You did so much.’

‘What? It’s- I mean I’m just cleaning your house,’ Alex said finally, smiling.

Sam had stayed in his room the entire time, and only left to join his dad when Alex had to vacuum it. He’d given Alex a nod of acknowledgement, and Alex had nodded back, and it hadn’t seemed…hostile or mean. A bit weird. Not awful. Definitely not at the same level of Abigail just staring at him like he was a bug.

Vincent played video games in front of the television, and mostly seemed annoyed when he had to pause so Alex could clean. But afterwards when he started playing again, he said:

‘The TV screen’s way better! Thanks, Alex!’

Jodi agonised over her calendar after that. It was clear she wanted Alex to come more often, but her budget only allowed for him to come once every two weeks. She paused and said:

‘Isn’t it shameful, I could just do it myself. I really should.’

‘Um, it’s- It’s probably like…really not my place, but…cleaners aren’t just for rich people. I mean obviously not everyone can afford them, but the people who use them most are like, disabled people, or people not doing great, or people who hate cleaning.’

He thought about cleaning for his mom, but it hurt too much to remember any of that right now, so he cast it away.

‘I like cleaning,’ Alex added. ‘I like it, which is probably stupid, but I do. It’s simple and it’s easy for me and I like to move my body. And you don’t really like it, and that’s not bad. There’s not anything like…bad about not wanting to clean. Shit. I hope you don’t feel like I’m trying to pressure you into keeping me on. Like, if you didn’t like my work, I’m sure you could find someone else to-’

‘Oh no, Yoba, no, not that!’ Jodi said. ‘Please keep coming over, it’s nothing like that! I do feel guilty about it, I suppose. Kent never gives me a hard time over it, but I always had such dreams of being houseproud when I was younger. I was for a while. A really long time! And it’s not like I don’t have time. I just… I do kind of hate it.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘So, how about I see you in two weeks, and I can focus on the big, annoying stuff, and you can keep doing the smaller stuff like you were before.’

‘Thank you,’ Jodi said. She handed him the money, and Alex wanted to give it all back, he felt bad getting paid for this. Sebastian clearly had so much money it was like he didn’t care about it. But this mattered to Jodi a lot.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t do more,’ Alex said.

Jodi laughed, her face breaking into an expression of relief. ‘Look at us, both feeling guilty! Alex, you have no idea how much you’ve helped me today. Even just watching you – which I know must have been annoying – it’s taught me so much about how to clean in general. My mom cleaned, but she hated it, and I never learned much from her. I figured a lot out on my own, but there’s ways to make it easier and I didn’t know. And you worked hard! You’re still sweaty!’

Jodi walked outside with him, and just before he went to walk home, she lightly touched his arm to get his attention.

Alex turned to her in the dark. Nearby he could see the light from Kent’s cigarette as he stood out there alone, because Sam went back in after his room was done.

‘I’m sorry about Vincent,’ she said in an undertone. ‘About what he said at the Feast of the Winter Star, and in such a rude way, too. He can be a bit tactless, sometimes.’

Like the whole fucking town.

‘It’s fine,’ Alex said, as his breath plumed out in the cold night air. Vincent didn’t seem to even remember, though it had happened two days before. All he cared about was the video game.

‘Do you know who got you the book? It seems…such a rude thing to do. To get you a book like that.’

Alex could hear the sympathy in her voice, and he knew she was trying to be kind, but he felt annoyed and frustrated at the situation, at himself. He weighed his choices, and finally decided not to brush it off, even though it was immediately harder to breathe, knowing he was going to speak up.

‘I really like the book,’ Alex said softly. ‘I actually- I like the flowers in Stardew, and I look out for them, and the person who got me the gift knew that. And I can- I can read. I’m not good at it, but I can do it.’

‘Oh! Oh, um, of course!’

Alex cut her off before she could keep going. ‘It wasn’t done in the best way though,’ Alex said. ‘Like the way I got that present wasn’t great, I didn’t realise it’d make me- I don’t like everyone looking at me like that.’

Jodi’s expression did something in the dark, but Alex couldn’t read it.

‘Anyway, the book was cool, so it’s okay,’ Alex said. ‘I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.’

‘Or around town,’ Jodi said, and Alex nodded and thought: Not likely.

He waved as he walked off, thought about dropping into Haley’s, but after that much time spent with a relative stranger, he needed to sit on a couch and stare at nothing for a while.

That night he dreamed of his mom crying, and at first he thought it was because of his dad, but then she’d looked at Alex while stricken and said:

‘I wish you didn’t have to do this, I wish so much, baby, that you didn’t have to do this. Baby, you don’t have to do any of it. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. You must hate your mommy so much. I’m so sorry. Please don’t hate Mommy.’

She cried into her hands, and it wasn’t until Alex dreamed of his little body hugging hers as he told her not to cry, that he realised his hands were covered in soap suds, and he’d been washing the dishes, even though he’d been so small at the time he’d needed to stand on a chair to reach the sink properly.

He woke with a start and stared at the ceiling, and thought actually, that was a fucked-up nightmare to have, and he’d prefer to just have the ones where his dad hit him or some shit.

*

Alex got to Sebastian’s and was instantly furious at himself for forgetting he wouldn’t get to clean in a house with just him and Sebastian. He wanted some goddamn quiet, and he wanted some space, and instead Victoria, David, Sam and Abigail were there sitting around the big table in the other part of the lounge, and they had snacks on the table with them, and a whole bunch of nerdy fucking dice, and figurines, and maps, and David was in the middle of eating a gummy snake when Alex walked in and saw them all.

Sebastian smiled, Abigail stared, Victoria had a blank look on her face, David grinned around the stupid multi-coloured snake, Sam did his little nod.

‘You don’t have to clean in here today,’ Sebastian said. He sat at the head of the table with a laptop screen and some painted cardboard stand in front of him, some of his face was hidden.

‘Yep,’ Alex said, turning and walking down the hall, heart thundering.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK.

‘He doesn’t talk much, does he?’ said David.

‘Not always,’ Sebastian said. ‘Now, Victoria, you were rolling for damage. Can you give me some numbers?’

The conversation resumed. Alex stood in the laundry and placed his hands on the counter for several seconds, overwhelmed. People had a presence. Lots of people had too much of it at once, and it scraped over his skin and mind, like being scrubbed with microfibre cloths and steel wool. It was hard enough to keep track of what one person could do to him, let alone five.

It got better when Alex was down the other end of the house. But the ability to sink into the quiet space he normally found when he cleaned Sebastian’s resisted him. He kept hearing bursts of laughter, shrieks, at one point a cry of dismay from Abigail, and then they’d be talking together, followed by periods of silence. Every time Alex thought he was finding a zone, something interrupted him.

As he was cleaning one of the guestrooms, he heard footsteps coming down the hall and froze. They weren’t Sebastian’s steps.

When he looked up, he saw Abigail leaning against the doorframe, staring at him. Her large eyes studied him, and Alex gave her a grimace that he hoped looked like an attempt at a smile. She didn’t react. Alex wanted to keep cleaning, but no way was he going to while she stared.

‘Did you need something?’ Alex said finally.

‘Sam says you cleaned Jodi’s house too.’

‘Yep. You want me to talk to Caroline or Pierre or something?’

‘I don’t want your hands anywhere near my house,’ Abigail said sharply.

Alex had somehow known this was going to happen. It felt like high school all over again, and something in him went still, another part of him became extremely alert, looking for openings, looking for ways to get all of this away from him, even if he had to say something really fucking cruel.

He didn’t want to be that person anymore, but he felt so small. He wore blue nitrile gloves on his hands. There was a bucket of diluted cleaning solution next to him. He knew Abigail didn’t respect him, and then by default, wouldn’t respect his job either. Sam didn’t seem to be as bad. Alex hadn’t realised Abigail hated him so much but, well, here they were. He could see it in her eyes.

‘It’s so stupid, how he’s being nice to you after everything you did to him,’ Abigail said, her voice low as the gaming went on in the background. ‘That’s how nice he is. He’ll give someone like you a job.’

‘Someone like me,’ Alex said flatly. ‘Mostly I think he just found it convenient we’re both on a night schedule.’

‘You spent so much time telling him what a dork he was. I bet you think we’re all shit, playing something fun out there, even though you’re the one basically working a slave job.’

‘Wow.’

Abigail’s cheeks turned pink. ‘I mean, at least our stuff gets to be fun.’

I like cleaning, for fuck’s sake!

‘If you actually gave a shit,’ Abigail said, ‘you’d stop doing this, instead of playing whatever long game you’ve been playing with him.’

‘Literally just cleaning a guest bedroom,’ Alex said.

‘It’s pretty funny how they all forget how much you take after your dad. I remember him, even if the others don’t or whatever. People take after their parents, right?’

Fuck you, Abigail.

‘I don’t know, do they? Like how you think you’re the daughter of the Wizard or some shit and that’s why you dye your hair constantly?’

Abigail was pissed, and Alex felt like if she was going to dish it out, she sure should be able to fucking take it. But he didn’t want to be this person anymore. He didn’t want to be awful. But there were so many things he wanted to say, and they were all poisonous, all mean.

‘You know you can probably just learn magic without using the Wizard as an excuse,’ Alex said. ‘Just accept that your stoner dad is your actual dad.’

‘Your dad was a piece of shit,’ Abigail said. ‘And that’s what your mom decided to marry.’

Alex felt cold. No one really came after his mom except for his dad. No one.

‘No wonder she got cancer to get away from you, to get away from any reminder of him.’

Alex almost had to sit down, right then. He almost sat down on the guest bed because his knees did something like they didn’t want to lock anymore. But somehow, he stayed standing. The stupid, stupid thing was he’d heard this all before. Sebastian was the first one to say it, back in high school. Alex had given him a black eye that day, and they’d all used it as proof that Alex was exactly like his father and kept saying it.

‘I’m just saying I remember,’ Abigail said. ‘Sebastian seems to think you’re okay, but I have his back. We all have his back.’

‘I’m literally just cleaning,’ Alex said finally.

‘You can act like you’ve changed, but-’

She turned, and Alex heard:

‘Hey, Abi? What’re you doing?’

That was Sam.

Fuck me.

‘Thought you were taking a bathroom break but heard you talking and just wondered if everything was cool. Oh…’ Sam stopped when he saw Alex in the guestroom, and then looked between them.

‘Just telling him that we remember what he did to us,’ Abigail said. ‘Since you won’t do it.’

Sam grimaced. ‘It’s been a while since then, Abi. Like, I get it, but it’s been a while.’

Now it was two against one, and Alex thought they just needed the final piece of the trifecta, and it would be perfect. It would be exactly like high school. Sam never said a ton of mean shit, but he sure never stopped Abigail or Sebastian from saying whatever they wanted.

‘Blood is blood, when it comes to Alex and his dad,’ Abigail said to Sam. ‘And, honestly? I don’t trust him. I don’t think he should be here, and I don’t think he should be visiting more than we even do. Didn’t you hear that Seb was letting him use his gym? At home? You think it’s okay that he’s finding a way into our lives like this? You do remember his dad, don’t you?’

Sam said nothing. Sur-fucking-prise.

‘Even now he acts like it doesn’t affect him,’ Abigail said, pointing at Alex while looking at Sam. ‘Who does that? Who seems fine with that? The only reason he thinks it’s fine is because he’s the kind of guy who thinks he has a right to hit people and be an asshole to them, because he learned from like, the best in town.’

Abigail had her mouth open to keep ranting, and her eyes went wide when she looked at someone past Sam.

Alex was blocked into the room.

‘Hey, what’s going on?’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah, what is going on?’ Abigail said to him, and Alex stared longingly at the guest bed next to him. If he could just…sit down for a moment. ‘I want to know why you thought it was a good idea to ask someone like him to clean your house. You seriously act like it’s fine, but we know it’s not, and we’re worried about you.’

Alex closed his eyes briefly, and when he opened them, Sebastian was right there in the doorway. Three against one. Now it really was like high school.

Shit. First that stupid dream of his mom crying on him because he was trying to be nice to her. And now this, because standing there while facing Sam, Abigail and Sebastian was something he started having nightmares about during high school, and right now he really, really regretted taking this job, and wished he’d never grown feelings for the person who’d once told him his mom got cancer just to get away from her son, because he reminded her of her husband.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "I Might Just Walk Away From You"

"'Get out of my house,' Sebastian said abruptly, a coldness in his voice that Alex hadn't heard for a long time. It still chilled him. He'd been on the receiving end of that before. 'Get out. Cool down. We'll talk about this later. You've obviously had some stuff you've been sitting on this entire time, but you're literally abusing someone who's just doing a job.'

Abigail’s eyes popped; she was about to start yelling.

'Come on,' Sam said to her. 'I'll walk you back. Or maybe you can come hang with us at home, hey.'

'People change, Abigail,' Sebastian said coldly. 'But you might not know that, because you're behaving like a child. Coming here and insulting someone I pay to do a job is shitty in general. You’re so- No. You know what? I'm not going to say anything you want to hear and I'm not going to be able to say it from a good place right now. Just go home. I want to stay friends with you, and I'm going to say things I really regret tonight, and I don't want to.'

'You'd choose him over me?'

'It might not seem like it to you, Abigail, but I'm choosing to not tolerate someone who's bullying someone else in my own home. I know I've had a huge part in making you think that's okay behaviour, but it's not, and just because I allowed it in the past, doesn't mean I allow it anymore.'"

Chapter 27: I Might Just Walk Away From You

Notes:

Woo! We're back with a new chapter, let's see how this debacle between Abigail, Sebastian, Sam and Alex shakes out, shall we?

Alex couldn't meet Sebastian's eyes. He remembered how hard and dark his expression could get, how the light could vanish and make his eyes look completely black. He couldn't look at Abigail. That left him with looking at Sam, who wasn't even looking at him. 

'So... Nothing's going on?' Sebastian said, sounding frustrated that no one had said anything yet. 

'Abi was just saying some stuff,' Sam said, then cleared his throat. 'I dunno. It wasn't- Maybe she could've... I dunno.'

'Stuff like what?' Sebastian said. 

'Stuff we all know,' Abigail said, and each word sounded like a weapon to fight Alex with, and not a simple reply. 'I was just telling him that we all know he doesn't belong here, and that we've got your back, Seb.' 

'What?' Sebastian said. 'I don't need-'

'You really think so? Maybe you got used to it. You know that happens. That's what happened to his mom, stuck with the two of them. She got used to it. The dad leaving wasn't even enough, was it? Because Alex was still there, so she found a way to get away from him in the end too.'

'Abigail,' Sebastian said, sounding horrified. 'What the fuck?' 

Alex's anger grew, eclipsing his fear, it was an animal stretching its limbs, growing bigger and outwards until he could feel fur or something like teeth running along the underside of his skin. His heart was beating so fast he felt sick. But how could he just stand there, how could he just stand there while Sebastian sounded like that? 

Who gave him the fucking audacity to sound shocked? To sound like the words were horrible? 

'You said them,' Alex said, his voice rough. Sebastian looked at him in confusion. 'You said them first.' 

'No- No, I didn't.'

Sam grimaced, and Abigail looked at Sebastian, frustration on her face. 'You did!' she exclaimed. 'You were the one who told us! And then he proved you right, because he punched you the day you told him his mom got cancer to get away from her only son. You even said she didn't have any other kids because like, she met Alex, and realised it was a mistake. So I don't get why you're spending so much time with him now.'

Sebastian stared between Alex and Abigail, and Alex couldn't read the expression on his face. But he could tell Sebastian didn't seem caught out, he looked like someone who didn't fucking remember. Someone who just...cast it aside and thought about other things, different things. Who married the farmer, became rich, left and came back richer. 

'You fucking... You fucking forgot,' Alex breathed. 'You don't remember at all, do you? Where do you think your little fucking minions learned to talk like that? Huh? Where the fuck do you think they learned it?' 

Sebastian's eyes were wide, his mouth open, and he looked at Abigail again. 

'We never see you,' Abigail said. 'You come back to the Valley and we get to game sometimes, but it's not the same.' 

'Yo, I don't think those things are connected,' Sam said, seeming like the only sane person, which was incredible. 'That's like...two different conversations, man.' 

'I work full-time,' Sebastian said, looking awkward as fuck. 'I- Abigail, it was never going to be like it was. Are you seriously blaming that on Alex?' 

'Like she'd ever do anything else,' Alex bit out. 'You taught them how to do it, didn't you? I mean- I mean... Um.' His anger faltered. Sam stared at him, expression serious and weird, like he wasn't happy with anyone in this situation. 

'Abi, I'll walk you home,' Sam said, turning to her. 'Come on.'

'Are you serious?' Her voice was shrill. 'You think it's fine to just let him be here, learning all about Sebastian's life and his habits, like how do we know he's not stealing anything?' 

Alex ground his teeth together. I was literally just trying to clean. It was taking all of his energy not to start shouting at the top of his lungs, but he hated fighting. He hated fighting. He didn't want to be a part of this. He couldn't be.

He was so fucking scared that she was right. Maybe that's why he was a single child, even though his mom used to talk about wanting so many children. And maybe that's why she got cancer. The doctors didn't think so, a person couldn't give another person cancer like that. But stress sure could. He'd read about it when he'd given himself migraines trying to find out how to help his mom. Stress would do it. Stress. And so...he despaired thinking about his dad because living with him sure was fucking stressful, and so was being abandoned by him. After that he'd tried his hardest to never be stressful again.

But he couldn't get his shit together at school, and it seemed like no matter how he tried, she was stressed anyway, even as she tried to be brave and not show it.  

'You're the cancer,' Abigail said savagely, turning to Alex. 'You have no idea what you put Sebastian through, all the things he-'

'Get out of my house,' Sebastian said abruptly, a coldness in his voice that Alex hadn't heard for a long time. It still chilled him. He'd been on the receiving end of that before. 'Get out. Cool down. We'll talk about this later. You've obviously had some stuff you've been sitting on this entire time, but you're literally abusing someone who's just doing a job.'

Abigail’s eyes popped; she was about to start yelling.

'Come on,' Sam said to her. 'I'll walk you back. Or maybe you can come hang with us at home, hey.' 

'People change, Abigail,' Sebastian said coldly. 'But you might not know that, because you're behaving like a child. Coming here and insulting someone I pay to do a job is shitty in general. You’re so- No. You know what? I'm not going to say anything you want to hear and I'm not going to be able to say it from a good place right now. Just go home. I want to stay friends with you, and I'm going to say things I really regret tonight, and I don't want to.' 

'You'd choose him over me?'

'It might not seem like it to you, Abigail, but I'm choosing to not tolerate someone who's bullying someone else in my own home. I know I've had a huge part in making you think that's okay behaviour, but it's not, and just because I allowed it in the past, doesn't mean I allow it anymore.'

'You're such a hypocrite!' Abigail shouted, even though there was hardly any space between them. Alex really thought she might hit him, he flinched and turned his whole body away, stared at the vacuum cleaner, focused on his breathing. He hoped he was invisible. No one seemed to be paying that much attention to him, even though he was the cause of this entire clusterfuck. 

Abigail shoved past Sebastian, and Sam followed her down the corridor. The front door opened and slammed shut. Alex's anger left him dizzy. 

'You don't remember?' Alex said to Sebastian, voice shaking. 'Really? You don't remember the shit you used to say? Really? Go on then, Seb, tell me all the ways it affected you, that shit I said to you, that you had the luxury to... had the... that you could just forget that...'

Alex's eyes were wet. Who forgot shit like that? Who forgot something as world-destroying as You gave your mother cancer?

Alex's hands clenched into fists, he wanted to bolt, he couldn’t move. He heard more footsteps coming down the hall and couldn't stand anymore. He sat on the guest bed and wondered how long it would take for him to feel like he could walk home.

'Alex...' Sebastian said. 

'So, uh...' It was David. 'I've taken photos of the table set-up so we can remember it for later, and Victoria's packing everything away. But, like, I heard...some of what was said, and I don't think you should be here.' Alex almost stood to leave. He could take a cue when it was given to him. But David continued: 'Give him some space.'

'What?' Sebastian said. 

'It's easy, you just turn and walk back down the corridor.' 

'I really think I should-'

'Nah, you might just want to mosey on back to the lounge or something. Come on, bro.' 

Sebastian went with him without another word. Alex was alone, no one was hemming him in, and he wanted so badly to flop back onto the bed, but he'd just changed the Yoba-damned bedding. He covered his face with his hands, and wondered if this was the kind of shit Dr Harvey wanted him to see a therapist about. Hilarious. In that moment, David was a knight in shining armour. But Alex was mortified that David heard the argument. That Victoria had heard.

Alex hated Abigail, but in that moment he kind of hated Sebastian too. Hated that he got to forget. Hated that he got to - all this time - not remember something that had left scars in Alex for the rest of his life. 

It was the kind of shit his dad would've said, except his dad left before he knew about the cancer, so he never got the chance. 

And sure, Sebastian didn't say anything like that these days, the shit he’d said back in high school was its own kind of torture. Alex had done his best to keep up, but in the end, he never could. Even when he was saying mean shit back, saying Demetrius would never love him, why did it matter? Robin loved him. Maru loved him. He still had a fucking family. He had friends who had his back, and Alex had Haley, sure, but it hadn't been the same back then. Haley wanted to be popular, she wanted the cred Alex had because of the sports he played. She liked that they could go to school dances together and boys would leave her alone. She had her own group of girls she spent time with. She was the best, she was all he had towards the end, but that was a lot of pressure to put on any friend, so Alex tried to let her have her own life. 

It wasn’t good to stress people out. 

Alex pressed thumbs into his eyelids and took deep, guttural breaths. He wasn't going to cry. He wasn't going to cry. 

The TV must have been turned on. He could hear some kind of show. No one seemed to be talking. Alex looked around the room and forced himself to stand, then forced himself to keep cleaning. He was here to do a job. But his joints felt weak, everything felt so much heavier than before. He had to concentrate. He returned to the laundry and realised with everyone not playing anymore, he could probably clean the front of the house. He sighed so heavily he thought his whole fucking soul was going to fall out of his mouth. He opened the door and pulled out the cleaning supplies he’d need, one by one. 

He paused when he heard footsteps again, looked up where he was crouched on the tiles to see Sebastian looking...not great. 

'Take the money and go home,' Sebastian said. 'You can't seriously want to keep cleaning right now.' 

'That's what you pay me for.'

Sebastian's head tipped back. He stared at the ceiling and his throat worked on a swallow. When he looked down again, his mouth thinned. 

'Alex, just… Take the whole amount on the counter,' Sebastian said, 'and just...' 

Alex stood. 'You don't want me here. Got it. I'll- I'll just put everything away real quick, and I'll-'

'Alex. Please. It's not about whether or not I want you here, it's about the shit you just had to put up with. It's about that. It's about the fact that you shouldn't have to force yourself to finish your shift after something like that.'

'I had to keep going to class after shit like that,' Alex said, feeling numb. 'So what?' 

'Look at me and tell me you want to keep working tonight.'

Alex swallowed. He couldn't do that. He wanted to go home. He wanted the whole night not to have happened. He just wanted... He just wanted a break. The stupid thing was that he wanted to do that with Sebastian there. These days he felt best when Sebastian was hanging out with him, or when Haley was, and he didn't want to go home to that house with its silent ghosts. 

'I don't want to keep working,' Alex said, staring at a yellow microfibre cloth. 

'Then-'

'But I don't want to go home yet,' he said. 'That's stupid, right?' 

'No. Do you know...what you want to do?' 

'Nope,' Alex said, laughing. 

'Has Abigail ever said stuff like that to you before?' 

'She just...doesn't like me. She's protective.'

'So you're not going to answer my questions. Okay. Then... Why don't you pack up and go sit in one of the guest bedrooms? Or come join us in the lounge? It's just Dave and Victoria, and they're- They're cool. But take all the money.'

'I don't want to be paid for putting up with what she said.' If he took all the gold now, it would feel like he was getting a tip for standing there and accepting everything she'd flung at him. 'And I don't want you thinking your gold will make this okay.'

'Yoba damn it, Alex, I know it won't,' Sebastian said, voice broken in a way that had Alex staring in shock. Shit, Sebastian was really upset. 'I know it won't, okay? I know. I can't believe I used to say that shit to you. Except- Except it sounds like the sort of thing I'd say back then, because I used to think I was so good at insults, so clever at them.'

'Yeah, you were.'

Sebastian's face did something, and he looked away, throat working. 'I don't know how to apologise for all of that in a way that makes it mean anything to you. I'm so pissed at Abigail, but I'm so... But that's not your fault. You can hate me if you want.' 

Alex wanted to say Thanks, he wanted to be sarcastic, to be mean, but he couldn't do it. Abigail was gone, Alex didn't want to throw more poison into the brew. He could tell Sebastian wasn't happy either. Alex didn't think Sebastian would ever, ever make the kind of choice where he'd tell Abigail to leave and let Alex stay. That was a world different to anything Alex understood, he was so confused. 

'Can we talk about it later?' Sebastian said. 'Will you? Or will you just...let me talk about anything I want, and say nothing?' 

Alex shrugged. Sebastian smiled bitterly like it was a joke. Well, it kind of was. The best time to be taciturn was when someone told him he didn't talk much. 

'Just...don't finish the job tonight,’ Sebastian said. ‘There's always next time, if you even want to come back.'

Alex wanted to say he'd come back. Of course he would. But there was something important in the fact that Sebastian was taking it this seriously. It made Alex feel like he could take it seriously too. He felt like maybe he could notice how hurt he felt, instead of ripping it apart and burying it in the soil of himself so he could keep concentrating on whatever matter was right in front of him. Not only that, but Sebastian hadn't sided with Abigail once. Not once. Alex didn't know how to feel about the past, or about what Abigail had said, but he knew Sebastian had changed. 

'I'll go home in a second,' Alex said. 'I just need to put everything away. I just have to, I'm like- I'm weird like that.'

'Okay,' Sebastian said. 'I'm... I'm sorry, Alex.'

'Hey, you didn't say it,' Alex said, opening the cabinet and putting some of the spray bottles away. 'Not this time, anyway.' 

Sebastian sighed, then turned and walked back down the corridor. 

The rest passed in a blur. Putting everything away, walking down the hall, not looking at anyone on the couch in the lounge watching television. Even taking all the gold, because Sebastian had told him to, because Alex didn't want to be in another disagreement ever again, and definitely not that night.

It wasn't until he was halfway down the steps in the cold night air that the front door opened. Alex turned and saw Victoria. They'd never had anything to do with each other. She walked towards him, her long, straight black hair blown across her face in the wind. She moved it out of the way and came down the stairs until she could stand in front of him, then handed him a business card. 

'I-It's not...not meant to be f-formal b-but if you ever want to t-text, let me know. It's hard.' She seemed to get stuck on the next word, and Alex waited as her black eyebrows pulled together in frustration. She took a deep breath, sighed it out and smiled. 'The way I t-talk, it made things hard when I was young. I'm m-mostly good now. A bit shaken tonight with everything. Everything. B-but... I know you don't- don't know me, b-but here, that's my mobile number. It's okay if you don't text. That's okay.'

She took another deep breath and her smile widened. 

'David says you're g-good. Anyway. Safe... Be safe. Night.'

'Goodnight,' he said. 

She nodded at him, then ran back up the steps and went inside, closing the door quietly behind her. He tucked the card into the pocket of his jeans and walked home under the night sky. Something about the exchange with her felt nice, though he was still miserable enough he pulled out his phone. 

He scrolled through his minimal contacts and there, underneath Haley's name - stored as Hales - was Dr Harvey's - stored as Harvey, Doctor. He knew it was late, he felt stupid, but something in him jangled loudly, and he needed the ringing sound to stop, along with the feeling that everything was falling apart. And it was too late, and the guy would be sleeping, but Alex could just...

Hey, no rush Dr Harvey, want to catch up some time? I could clean ur kitchen or something. 

Alex put his phone back in his pocket, and it vibrated in his hand. 

No need to clean. Catching up for a chat sounds wonderful. Are you free tomorrow? Late afternoon? 

Alex closed his eyes. He nodded, typed a reply, put his phone away and rubbed at his forehead. Even that much reading made the space behind his eyes ache. He was already so stressed, and it never took much for his head to hurt when he felt like this.

As he walked, he passed some daffodils, and he stared at them for some time. He thought of his mom, and he thought of the hardback of flower illustrations that Sebastian had gotten for him, and he thought of Abigail, and his eyes were wet all over again, and he cried the rest of the way home. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, A Reset In Your Mind:

"'It doesn't matter,' Alex said, frowning. 'I just don't know what to do. I don't want to get between Sebastian and his friends. They've been a trio since they were children.'

'Alex, you didn't get between them at all. It sounds like Sebastian has grown into a different place from where he was as a teenager, and it sounds like Abigail hasn't grown in the same way. Sometimes people don't realise how far apart they've grown until something like this makes them see it, but he would have seen it eventually. He might have even noticed before now, and not known what to do. Needless to say, he's an adult, he chose to kick Abigail out of his home, and you didn't make him choose that. I think you know better than anyone that he has chosen not to protect you in the past, when you were younger.'

Alex hunched down into the chair and shrugged. He stared at his old jeans and looked up at the model planes hanging from the ceiling again. Dr Harvey was all right, in his own way. But he did seem lonely. This place wasn't made with anyone else in mind.

'I love him,' Alex said, thinking that he should feel terrified, and mostly feeling so fucking tired.

'Oh. Oh. What? You- But... So then you and Haley aren't...'

Alex laughed. Fuck. Was the cover that good? Did their friendship look that horny? And Dr Harvey was blushing so hard it was sweet, he fussed with his coffee mug, turning it this way and that."

*

Dr Harvey here to save the day! Excerpts get post on Tumblr, and I've been listening to the playlist for this story while I've been replying to comments!

Chapter 28: A Reset in Your Mind

Notes:

It feels like a million years since I last posted! But I think that's because the days have been slower and lazier of late (sorely needed). And I made some Lego flowers today (my birthday was like a week ago, and the day itself was utterly miserable but LEGO FLOWERS)

Thanks to all who are commenting, kudosing, bookmarking and engaging with this story! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, and to those who celebrate nothing at all at this time of year, may the season/s be kind to you, and may we find more comfort going forward and not more hurt.

Dr Harvey took one look at him the next day and nodded decisively. 'I'll make you some coffee.'

'Thanks, Doc. How's things?' 

'Good, thank you. I don't want to jinx it, but it seems like the worst of the viruses have finally come to an end, right in time for allergies and hay fever to start. But that's much easier, and not contagious, thankfully! Anyway, you look like you've seen better days.'

'Yeah,' Alex said. He'd felt nervous all day, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to Haley, and he didn't know why. Maybe because she'd been there. Maybe because she liked Sebastian as a friend these days, and he wanted to talk to someone not connected to him. Wasn't Sebastian meant to give him one of those magnifying glass thingies so she could do her miniature paintings? It'd all been forgotten about. 'Feel like I'm fu- Um. Feel like I'm making a mess of things. But, um, so...allergies? How does that go?' 

'We can talk about that in a bit,' Dr Harvey said, smiling from the kitchen. 'Why don't you tell me what's going on?' 

'Isn't that just therapy?'

'Definitely not. For a start, I'd need to be trained, which I'm not. Think of it more like...an older friend who's perhaps like a mentor, and a younger friend who asks interesting questions and makes the older friend feel less lonely.'

Alex nodded slowly, then stared at one of the model planes hanging from the ceiling at Dr Harvey's expectant look. It was clean. Dr Harvey must take them down and dust them. Or maybe he had a stepladder and did it. Alex imagined him standing on it with a little feather duster, and whether that image was reality or not, Alex thought it was kind of sweet. 

'I was cleaning last night, at Sebastian's, and he had his friends there for the tabletop gaming shi- I mean the...stuff he does. And I hate when he has people there, because... I mean you weren't here for it, but high school was- It was- I mean I was horrible too in high school so that doesn't matter. But anyway, one of the people came down and said I shouldn't be friends with Sebastian and that I was bad for him and then she said something she'd said before, which was that I gave my mom cancer, and she said I reminded her of my dad.' 

Alex stared at the carpet beneath his feet, then flinched at the sound of something shattering. He looked up, shocked, and Dr Harvey had just straight-up dropped a saucer onto his white and pale blue tiles, and it had broken. 

'Shit,' Alex said, walking forwards. 'I'll help. Where's your vacuum?'

'Alex, no, it's fine.' 

'Yeah, but-'

'Alex,' Dr Harvey said, straightening, halfway through picking up the biggest pieces and holding some of them in his hand. 'Alex, that's a horrible thing for someone to say to anyone.' 

Alex stopped moving, then realised why the plate had broken. He'd thought Dr Harvey had handled it badly. Dr Harvey looked upset. His mouth was set in a small frown beneath his moustache, eyes wide behind his glasses. Alex's instincts told him to smooth it over, say it wasn't that bad, laugh it off, and pick up all the pieces of the plate and deal with it. But Dr Harvey - despite his expression - really seemed like he wanted to handle it himself. 

'It's the stuff Sebastian used to say,' Alex said, clearing his throat and walking over to the bookshelf, where he looked at the colours of the book spines instead of the titles. 'His friends learned to say it too. But Sebastian hasn't said it for a while, and he kicked Abigail out for saying it, but he also...forgot he used to say it to me all the time. It's funny what people can forget, hey?'

'Did he really forget?' Dr Harvey asked, sweeping the area on the floor with a dustpan and brush, before getting out one of those little handheld vacuums. Alex watched him, thinking that Dr Harvey was super clean. He'd never need to hire a cleaner. Alex didn't answer the question, because he could tell Dr Harvey didn't think Sebastian had really forgotten, but Alex had seen his face. The bastard forgot. 

'I have a younger brother,' Dr Harvey said, bringing out another saucer to put the second coffee mug on. 'Harold. Harvey and Harold, and I think our mom wanted us to be the best of friends, but he hated me. I don't know when it crossed over into hatred, but it did. It was mutual. I was lonely, I was going to be a pilot, I was doing well at school, and Harry was extremely bright too, blessed with intellect. But I could be a bit condescending, and he could be cruel because I have poor vision and I don't like crowds. I'm sure he doesn't remember all the things he's said to me.' 

'Do you get along now?'

'We're civil,' Dr Harvey said, pouring the coffee for them both. They walked back to the table in the lounge, and Dr Harvey sighed. 'He'll never let it go that he's smarter than me.' 

'Smarter?' Alex said. 'But you're a doctor!' 

'He is too,' Dr Harvey said. 'A head surgeon in Zuzu, working at a hospital. Married, has children. Anyway, I do have some understanding that who we can be when we're younger isn't always who we grow into. Maybe Sebastian really did forget. You say he kicked Abigail out?'

'He was mad,' Alex said. 'Really mad. He said he wasn't picking sides, but that he was kicking her out because he wouldn't tolerate bullying, but I've been...angry about it. I'm not even angry at her. Like, I am, but it wasn't like she would've said any of that stuff if he hadn't been the first one to say it back then. And then he forgets? While she remembers? And I remember?'

'That does seem unfair,' Dr Harvey said. 

'It's so stupid. I know things were rough in high school for the both of us, so why is it getting to me so much now? When he's changed, and we're getting along better than ever? Last night was the first time I really, really thought about quitting cleaning for him. Like, really.' 

Dr Harvey nodded. Alex looked around and pushed back into the chair. His heart raced. He felt like he was being bad, somehow, talking about someone behind their back. But Alex didn't know how to talk to Sebastian about it either. 

'Maybe you're angry at what you had to go through in the past,' Dr Harvey said slowly, 'or that it doesn't seem to settle, because other people are bringing it up like this? Alex, you know you didn't cause your mom's cancer, right? It doesn't work that way.'

'Oh yeah, but like, living with me was stressful, so I think the stress alone could've-'

'-No.' Dr Harvey said. Alex stared at him, and Dr Harvey sipped his coffee. 'It doesn't work that way. They've done large studies, Alex, studies of over a hundred thousand people, and while they think cancer might grow a bit faster under stress, there's no demonstrable link that stress causes cancer. The jury's still out on that one. The larger the studies, the more they test it, they more they realise just how terribly complicated the subject is. I really believe your mom was under a tremendous amount of stress because of your father - you both were - but she didn't get cancer because of him, or because of you. She just...got cancer. Sometimes the world is unfair and there isn't a cause. But I doubt you would've understood that as a kid, when Sebastian and his friends said that to you.'

Alex had a little bit of scar tissue at the corner of his lips where he'd worried at the inside of his mouth over the years. Just a little bump. He bit down on it now and didn't know what to say. 

'You didn't cause your mom's cancer,' Harvey said. 'I'm angry too, Alex, that people said that to you while you were growing up. I know teenagers will say the most awful things, and I'm sure you said your fair share too, but it doesn't get much crueller than that, I'm afraid. I can see why you'd be upset that Sebastian forgot, while you had to live with the feelings those words created.' 

Drinking half the coffee at once burnt Alex’s mouth. He fucking had to stop doing this to himself. He really needed to start asking people for water instead. 

'Do you think you and Sebastian will stay friends?' Dr Harvey said. 

'I don't know. I just feel all...messed up about it.'

'What do you mean?'

'Like... Like here,' Alex said, gesturing towards his chest. 'It just feels weird. All messed around and stuff. Not like an actual heart attack or anything, but it just feels kind of sore, or something.'

'You've been hurt, so it makes sense it would feel like hurt,' Dr Harvey said. 

Alex opened his mouth to say he hadn't been hurt, then realised how fucking dumb that would sound, and closed it. 

'He apologised,' Alex said. 'He said he didn't know how to apologise to make up for something like that. I just want it to go back to how it was before. I don't want to be angry about some shit that happened like a decade or more ago. Shit that we've kind of talked around, that he already seems to regret. But that's- But how can he fucking regret something he doesn't remember? Oh shit, sorry. I said- Oh, crap. I just keep swearing.'

'It's fine,' Dr Harvey said, smiling. 'And you raise a good point. Perhaps he regrets his cruelty and apologised for what he remembers. Maybe he forgot the cruellest things because people don't like to remember what they're capable of. It can make them feel helpless, or like they are...terrible monsters.'

'So? Some people feel like that every minute of every day. Wouldn't hurt for him to just feel it when he remembers saying that shit to someone.' 

'Some people, huh?' Dr Harvey said. 'Like people who were made to feel that way by others?' 

'Seems like you're trying to make me see some hidden message in your words, Doc,' Alex said, unimpressed. 'Like you want me to get a double meaning here, but you're out of luck, I'm too dumb for that.'

Dr Harvey didn't even smile.

'It doesn't matter,' Alex said, frowning. 'I just don't know what to do. I don't want to get between Sebastian and his friends. They've been a trio since they were children.'

'Alex, you didn't get between them at all. It sounds like Sebastian has grown into a different place from where he was as a teenager, and it sounds like Abigail hasn't grown in the same way. Sometimes people don't realise how far apart they've grown until something like this makes them see it, but he would have seen it eventually. He might have even noticed before now, and not known what to do. Needless to say, he's an adult, he chose to kick Abigail out of his home, and you didn't make him choose that. I think you know better than anyone that he has chosen not to protect you in the past, when you were younger.'

Alex hunched down into the chair and shrugged. He stared at his old jeans and looked up at the model planes hanging from the ceiling again. Dr Harvey was all right, in his own way. But he did seem lonely. This place wasn't made with anyone else in mind. 

'I love him,' Alex said, thinking that he should feel terrified, and mostly feeling so fucking tired. 

'Oh. Oh. What? You- But... So then you and Haley aren't...'

Alex laughed. Fuck. Was the cover that good? Did their friendship look that horny? And Dr Harvey was blushing so hard it was sweet, he fussed with his coffee mug, turning it this way and that. 

'Sebastian doesn't know,' Alex said. 'He's never known. I never told him. I don't want him to know. But it's funny because he's... I mean he's like me.' 

He's gay.

'It makes this harder,' Alex said, sighing. 'It makes it all so much harder.' 

'I can only imagine,' Dr Harvey said, sounding less frazzled than before. 

'I've tried to not feel this way about him, but I just do. Even when he hurt me back then, I felt this way.'

'Since- Since high school?'

'Pretty dumb, right?' Alex said. 

'That's- No, not at all. It's just a long time.' 

'Maybe I'm just loyal, like a dog.' Alex thought about Dusty. His chest sure wasn’t about to hurt any less. 

'Does Sebastian insult you now? Does he make you feel bad about yourself?' 

'No,' Alex said. 'He tries not to do that kind of stuff, and he doesn't like when I call myself stupid.'

'Okay,' Dr Harvey said, nodding thoughtfully. 'Does he listen to you when you bring something up that you don't like? Or does he dismiss you?'

'Doc, like, the dude wants to talk about that stuff, it's so annoying. He's been wanting to talk about high school and stuff for a while. Even last night, I think he would've talked about it, but one of his other friends came and said to give me some space or something.'

'He can be a bit overbearing at times,' Dr Harvey said. 

'Yeah, he's sure got opinions,' Alex said drily. 

Dr Harvey laughed, then sighed. 'It sounds complicated, Alex. Do you want to stop working for him?'

Alex shook his head. 

'If someone came along who was like him, and paid as well as he did, would you leave him then?'

'No,' Alex said. 'Like, when it's just the two of us it's nice. I think we kind of get along? It's weird, but he has a wicked sense of humour, and he doesn't mind that I think his mom's really fit, so-'

Dr Harvey loudly cleared his throat, Alex realised what he'd just said, and he apologised. Dr Harvey's smile was polite, and Alex felt mortified. Okay, maybe he should stop talking about Robin like that.

'Am I even allowed to be angry at something that happened ages ago?' Alex said. 

'Yes,' Dr Harvey said firmly. 'Though it's not really about what's “allowed” or not, emotions just happen, Alex. Even if you and Sebastian become the best of friends, you might still feel angry about how he treated you in high school a year from now, ten years from now. Sometimes these things become fresh all over again. Anger and sadness are both like that. But joy and the other feelings can be like that too.'

'Hm.' 

'You don't sound convinced.' 

'I'm not super convinced,' Alex said, laughing. 'Hey, how often are you up there cleaning those model planes of yours? They're not dusty. They weren't last time either.'

'Ah. Well...' Dr Harvey pushed his glasses up his nose. 'Every week.'

'Wow. Damn. That's cool.' 

'Cool, is it? I see. Thank you. Well I do like to be clean. And dust is terrible for my allergies. It's best to stay on top of it. I can hear my mom's voice in my head if I let everything go. I've become quite fussy as I get older.'

'I mean you're a doctor, you know more about germs than anyone. Do you have a favourite? Oh! Do you have the first plane you ever made?'

'I don't have the first one I ever made, that one went to Harry.' Dr Harvey said, rolling his eyes. 'I thought it might help things, but it didn't. I think he kept it though. Maybe he'll give it to one of his kids one day. Anyway, my favourite is that green fellow over there. One of the first warplanes.'

Alex twisted in the chair so he could see where Dr Harvey was pointing. It was a cool olive-green colour, some kind of biplane. As he stared, he realised he'd just told Dr Harvey that he loved Sebastian, and his fingers curled. Maybe that was a stupid thing to do. 

'Please don't tell anyone about Sebastian,' Alex said, not looking at him. 

'I wouldn't, Alex. I'm not- Well, my job is all about confidentiality. Gossip helps no one.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said, nodding. That's what he'd thought. But he was scared all the same. Two people knew. The worst part was thinking Sebastian might freshly hate him all over again if he knew as well. 'Do you think it's really bad that I haven't told him?' 

'No,' Dr Harvey said. 'There's a lot of reasons people don't disclose feelings like this. Alex, you've just told me a lot of good reasons why you struggle to feel safe around Sebastian or his friends. This seems like a very personal thing, and while it involves Sebastian, I think you know better than anyone that you could be really hurt by this if the knowledge of how you feel was in the wrong hands.'

Alex nodded, tears welling up. He swore under his breath and shook his head rapidly when Dr Harvey asked him if everything was all right. 

'Is this the kind of thing therapy is?' Alex said. 

'Not really,' Dr Harvey said. 'Well, sometimes. But not really. It just depends. Sometimes they have homework or techniques to suggest, and they ask questions that might be more insightful, or difficult to answer. Their aim is growth, and I guess you could say my aim is...hoping that you have an all-right time when you see me and feel supported. You might want to try therapy one day, the techniques can be helpful, and it sounds like you've been dealing with a lot. But we're just talking. Friends talk too, Alex. Even like this, if they want to. I wouldn't have asked to hear more about what you were going through if I didn't want to know, or if I didn't care. Also, you don't have to ever put up with someone like Abigail – or anyone else for that matter – talking to you that way. I don't care how respected they are in the town, or how important they seem, you have a right to expect not to be treated that way.'

Alex shrugged. Did anyone truly believe that? It was a little fancy dream to think of the things people had a right to. Reality was growing up with his dad. 

'Did you want to fly warplanes?' Alex asked abruptly. 

'Y-yes,' Dr Harvey said. He always sounded so flustered whenever Alex asked him a direct question.

'But you only really fly them to kill people, right?' Dr Harvey looked shocked, and Alex felt like he'd stepped in it. 'No, wait, I mean-'

'I- Well, yes. Of course, you're right. But sometimes they're flown in formations, and in performances.' 

'But warplanes really are for war. Like what Kent was in.'

'Yes,' Dr Harvey said, smiling sheepishly. 'I was a child when I valorised warplanes. To this day, I find it unsettling that our most beautiful or best designs for planes often go to the ones that are made for destruction. I think if I had a choice now, I might learn how to pilot a glider. There's an airfield... I've thought about lessons.' 

'Yeah?' Alex said, surprised. He had no idea what valorised meant, but it started the same as the word value, so maybe it meant the same kind of thing. Sure sounded like it. 'You have? You said last time your fear of heights was like crazy bad. You ever played one of those, um, flight simulator things? I know we don't have anything like that here, but I've heard about them.' 

Dr Harvey's expression was pleased, even hopeful. Alex thought his moustache was pretty baller, he totally pulled off the look. 

They talked for another hour, and Dr Harvey eventually fried up some mushrooms and eggs and served it on toast with some pickles on the side. It was weird, as far as dinners went, but Alex enjoyed himself. Dr Harvey was fun in his own way. It was hard to believe Alex had ever been scared of him. 

When Alex got ready to head off, he hesitated at the door to the clinic. Dr Harvey didn't seem surprised. 

'Do you think this is the kind of thing I should talk to Sebastian about? The...anger? He already knows I'm angry, so I shouldn't go on about it to him, right?' 

'I think you're very sensitive to how anger can hurt people,' Dr Harvey said. 'Maybe too sensitive. I think it's better to communicate things like this, than keeping it in, personally. Maybe you're not ready yet, and that's all right, Alex. But if you're just waiting until you no longer feel angry, or waiting until you've repressed how you feel, then you're just hurting yourself, and it sounds like you've been through more than enough of that. What do you think?'

'Um. If you say so,' Alex said. 

'I do,' Dr Harvey said, eyes crinkling with his smile. 'I'm heading to bed soon. But you have the rest of your "day" ahead of you, don't you? Take care of yourself. Hopefully we can catch up again soon.'

Alex nodded, lifted his hand in an awkward wave as he turned and walked back to his grandparent's house. 

Okay, he thought. Okay, maybe this whole "talking about shit" thing isn't that bad. 

Beneath that, his anger seethed, and he wished he'd explained to Dr Harvey that he was his father's son, and it terrified him so much. So fucking much. But he wasn't ready to say it out loud. He didn't even want to think about it.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter: Trying to Hold that Fire

*

"'Alex,' Sebastian said. 'Alex, are you...?'

Fingers curling down into his chest, and then Sebastian dropped his forehead down onto the barbell and stared and stared at him.

'So you're gay,' Sebastian said slowly, like he was double-checking.

Alex's dick was so hard it fucking hurt. He was pressing his feet down into the bench, his pelvis was tense, he wanted to fucking run. He wanted to sprint out of the house and throw himself into another universe. He was embarrassed, he was scared, but Sebastian was touching him, and staring at him, and the hand on his chest was so warm. So warm.

Alex nodded weakly, and Sebastian nodded too.

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'So... Okay. Alex, are you maybe...?' - Don't say it, Alex thought. Don't fucking say it. - 'Are you maybe - I can't believe I'm saying this - but are you maybe into me?'

Alex stared at him helplessly.

He wanted to tell Sebastian not to tell anyone, which was hilarious, because the one person who wasn't supposed to know had figured it out."

*

(You know what I thought about being subtle with this preview but NO, I'm not GONNA BE) - Time to take that slow out of slow burn!

Yoooo TUMBLR

Chapter 29: Trying to Hold that Fire

Notes:

Let's just get rid of the Slow and make it Burn okay? I mean really Alex and Sebastian desperately need to TALK but you know, they're...them...

Alex hoped his feelings for Sebastian had dulled, but as he walked up the steps and let himself into Sebastian's house, his heart fluttered. When he saw Sebastian at his work desk, he felt something slot into place. The world had clicked back to rights because it was just the two of them, and Sebastian was there - and beautiful - and Alex was closing the door behind him thinking it was unfair how settled he could feel when they hadn't even properly talked anything out yet. And Sebastian would want to talk about it. Alex could tell from the look on his face.

'I didn't even know if you'd come,' Sebastian said. 'I didn't really feel like...I had the right to bug you about it.'

'Sure,' Alex said. 'Um. Are you-? Are you okay?' 

Sebastian looked tired. His smile made him look sleepier. 'I'm going to go out on a limb and say you probably don't want to talk about much of this stuff until after your shift is done.' 

'Yeah,' Alex said. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'Good. Do you hate me?' 

'I've hated your ass for years,' Alex said, smiling wryly. 'Sort of. Should've asked me that in high school, I would've had a clearer answer then.' 

Sebastian's smile didn't fade at all. Alex didn't feel terrible or even that angry, he felt like they were sharing something meaningful, and he didn't know what it was. But it was obvious Sebastian hadn't just forgotten about it this time, obvious he still felt awful, and maybe it made Alex a bad person, but it helped. 

'I'll make you lunch after,' Sebastian said. 

'Yep,' Alex said, nodding to him, then walking down the corridor. He felt tense when he was down there, and when he walked to Sebastian's room to clean it at the end of the hall, his skin crawled when he looked into the guest bedroom. He might feel okay seeing Sebastian, but he still wasn't okay with what happened. 

Cleaning was methodical and predictable. What did change was minor and kind of fascinating. Sebastian had finished a packet of floss which was in the bin. He had a new toothbrush because he replaced them every few weeks. This one had a dark blue handle. The last one had been black. The tissue box in Sebastian’s room now had a weird, knitted thing over it, black and dark green. It didn't quite match the rest of the room, which probably meant his mom or someone close gave it to him. Alex liked getting the water spots off the chrome or the fingerprint marks off the bedside table.

He liked the way Sebastian's scent - because of the products he used - was fresh in his nose when he started, and then he got so used to them it settled. He liked thinking about the frogs in the pond. He wondered when the tadpoles would come. Soon, probably. They were croaking up a storm out there. 

Cleaning the lounge was easy, and he liked the feel of the carpet beneath his feet as he vacuumed. Sebastian didn't stop typing as Alex wiped down the countertops, cleaned the sinks, and Alex ached inside, because he could've lost this the other day. If Sebastian chose Abigail over him, Alex would have lost all of this. 

When he got to the guestroom, he stopped in the doorway and hated how familiar the dread felt. He just had to suck it up and get in there, but for some reason - more than the laundry, more than the kitchen – this was the place he couldn't force himself to enter. 

Come on you fucker, just do it. 

He listened to Sebastian typing, tried to draw the familiar sound around his shoulders like a protective coat, but it didn't help. 

He leaned against the doorway and stared at the bed, then stared at nothing at all, feeling queasy. He was nearly done too, he'd been putting the guestroom off until last, and that had been a mistake. 

'What are you doing?' Sebastian said. 

Alex flinched hard, he had no idea how much time had passed. He forced himself to laugh. 

'It's nothing, I've just got to clean the room.'

'You've been standing there for like...a few minutes,' Sebastian said. 'At least that I know of. Maybe longer. Shit. Alex. If you can't-'

'Are you serious? I'm not like that, I'm gonna do it, there's no problem.'

'Alex,' Sebastian said. 

'It's the last thing,' Alex said. 

'You're not doing it, not today,' Sebastian said. 

'You can't just-'

'I'm your boss,' Sebastian said firmly, his eyebrows lowering in resolve. 'You're not cleaning that room today, which means you're done. You just have to put stuff away, right?' 

'I- You... Yeah,' Alex said, feeling defeated and relieved. 

'Then I'll get lunch started. Go on, go pack up.'

Alex glared at him, but Sebastian didn't look like he was going to budge on the subject. He packed everything away while Sebastian moved around in the kitchen, and by the time he came back, there was a chicken salad sandwich on the kitchen table with a tall glass of juice beside it. Sebastian's expression was pensive, and Alex just wanted a normal day.

'I know you want to talk about it all,' Alex said suddenly. 'And I know I don't talk about shit. But can we just...have lunch and talk about other stuff? Just today?' 

Sebastian was quiet, then cleared his throat. 'Sure.'

'Okay. Then- Um. You talk about something. Like, I don't know, what you're doing at work, or that game you're playing with everyone and what it's about.' 

Sebastian talked about the game. Alex listened, worried he'd have to pretend to be interested, but much like Dr Harvey with his planes, it was cool because Sebastian liked it so much. It sounded a lot like nerdy shit, but it seemed fun, and Alex finished off the sandwich and juice and another fifteen minutes passed before he realised Sebastian was still talking about it. 

'Wait,' Alex said suddenly. 'There's like...barbarians and shit? So like, it's not just magic? But also swords and axes and stuff?' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, laughing. 'You should see Dave's character. I'll show you.'

Sebastian got up, Alex followed, and they went into the room that always seemed terrifying when Sebastian was in it with his friends. The box Sebastian pulled off the black shelves was carved out of wood and looked precious, and when he opened it, there were painted plastic figures inside. They were small, but Alex realised they were painted pretty well. Sebastian pulled out a muscular, bare-chested barbarian dude, who had a ridiculously huge axe. Sebastian handed it to him, and Alex laughed as he took it.

'Hate to tell you, man, but this little dude's on 'roids.' 

Sebastian laughed like the sound was yanked out of him and he didn't expect it. 'I don't think there's steroids in this fantasy world.'

'Nah, look at the way his neck is bulked. That's full-on 'roids.' Alex laughed too, because it was so stupid, of course this fantasy world didn't have steroids. But some real person had designed this, and that person had probably looked at muscular guys on the internet and found a bunch of 'roided up bros and had no idea. 'A barbarian with a thick neck and tiny testicles. What a hard life.'

'Holy Yoba, Alex, stop,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘I'm going to tell David you said that.'

'Yeah, tell him, it'll be funny.'

'You ever...done anything like that?' 

'Steroids? Fuck no,' Alex said, handing back the barbarian. Sebastian handed him a figure of a sorceress next, and she kind of looked like Victoria. She had the long straight black hair, but the figure had a silver tiara, and a wand painted in the same colour. 

'This is Victoria's,' Alex said, handing it back.

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'She saves our asses all the time. She went to you on Wednesday night, didn't she? Was everything okay?' 

'She gave me her business card,' Alex said. 'I dunno, she was nice. I didn't know she stuttered.' 

'I...didn't know she was stuttering that night until after you left,' Sebastian said. 'She doesn't most of the time.'

'She said she was a bit shaken up.' 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, putting the figures back. 'Certain kinds of anxiety make it come back. But anyway, you still don't want to talk about it?' 

Alex nodded, looking at all the other stuff on the shelves. A bunch of different coloured dice sets that all looked pretty, except for one set that looked like they'd been carved from bone and then blood spattered. It was sick, but Alex liked the colourful gemstone-looking ones more. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said. 'When you mentioned how much you could bench... How much do you think you could max out at these days?'

'Really?' 

'Yeah, really. You wanted to use the gym more, right? It feels like you're never going to unless I remind you that you can.'

Alex shrugged, and they headed into the home gym together. He was already in the kind of clothing he used to train in, because cleaning got sweaty quickly. As he changed the weights on the bar where it rested on the bench press, Sebastian made a scoffing sound. 

'I'll be your spotter, since you're so ambitious.'

'Fuck off,' Alex said, shaking his head and smiling. 'I lifted more than this. I don't know why you find it so hard to believe.' 

'I'm broader in the shoulders than you are.'

'What a shame your muscles gotta work twice as hard to do so much less.'

'Damn,' Sebastian said, but he sounded like he was smiling, and when Alex looked to double check, he was. 

Alex felt something light and fluttery. Sebastian was smiling, looking like he enjoyed the banter, and there was a gleam in his eyes. Alex felt warmer when Sebastian smiled, when he laughed, when he gave Alex those direct looks. Something about being in the gym too... it made him more aware of his body. His next breath was shaky. He needed to concentrate. Like, fuck, he'd had the worst time here only a couple of days ago, and now he was getting turned on? 

Alex laid back on the bench, and as Sebastian stood over him to help spot him, Alex moved to find the right position. Haley said he was like a cat trying to find the best sunbeam whenever he did his little pre-exercise wiggles. He looked up as he grabbed the bar, saw Sebastian standing over him, and was glad his legs were bent. Sebastian staring down at him in that focused way while Alex gripped the metal, and Alex's body had a whole fucking opinion about what was happening. It was trying to invent about thirty different scenarios to imagine later. 

'You look nervous,' Sebastian said, smirking. 'Because you put too much weight on the bar, right?'

'Keep dreaming,' Alex said. But he did feel weaker because his dick was just... Like, why now? This hadn't happened in ages. Why fucking now? Alex couldn't stop thinking about the time Sebastian pushed him against the wall, and then noticed everything, and...okay, his legs were bent, so as long as he just stayed half-hard, he should be fine. Shorts creased at the groin all the time. It'd hide everything, right? 

Concentrate, idiot. 

Alex braced his muscles and lifted the bar with a grunt, closing his eyes at the weight, because yeah, okay, this was definitely where he maxed out right now. He knew he couldn't get through one set of eight with this much weight on the bar. 

He lowered it to his chest, then lifted it, and felt Sebastian's hands on the bar, ready to help him put it back into place. 

'I'm not done,' Alex said, his voice thinner because of how tight his chest was, keeping the bar up. 'Let go.'

'You're joking.'

'I'm not,' Alex said. God, his dick was hard. Something about Sebastian being here with him, standing over him, holding the bar that Alex had a death grip on, what the fuck was wrong with him? It wasn't hot! This wasn’t the time to be turned on! His cheeks burned. At least he could blame the red face on the weightlifting. 

He lowered the bar again, lifted it, sucked in a breath and exhaled on the next repetition and already felt in his arms that he needed to grade back up to this properly. At his fifth repetition, his arms shook, and he wanted to impress Sebastian, and wanted to push himself, and felt trapped because the moment he stopped, he'd have to confront the fact that his dick was still hard. 

But on the sixth repetition, his arms started to fail, and he held his breath and managed to stop the weight from pinning him, but couldn't lift it all the way up, either. 

'I've got you,' Sebastian said quickly, hands wrapping around the bar, overlapping Alex's hands. 'I've got you. Shit, this is heavy. Can you lift it now?' 

'Uh huh.' Even just taking a quarter of the weight off Alex's arms and chest made it possible. They both lifted it together, and it clanked heavily back into place. But Sebastian didn't let go straight away, so Alex couldn't lower his arms. Alex was breathing hard from the effort of doing that much, and he couldn't straighten his legs, because Sebastian's hands were still wrapped around his. Alex could feel the callouses on his fingers, probably from swinging a sword or a pickaxe or whatever he did in the mines. Sebastian's hands were fucking strong for someone who didn't believe Alex could lift the weights he’d just benched. 

Alex stared up at him and his breathing wouldn't calm. 

Was it weird that Sebastian hadn't let go yet? 

'Um,' Alex said. 

'So you really can bench that much,' Sebastian said, sounding impressed, smiling a little. He smelled like the aftershave in his bathroom. Alex had just lifted the little glass bottle and cleaned underneath it not that long ago. 

'Yep,' Alex said. 

He didn't straighten his legs. His heart pounded harder now than it had when he’d been doing repetitions with the barbell.  

Sebastian's eyes moved down his body and paused, and Alex held his breath, fucking prayed he hadn't seen anything. 

Everything froze, and then Sebastian's eyebrows furrowed like he was puzzled, and he looked back at Alex's face, staring down at him, no longer smiling. 

The only thing Alex could think to say - the only stupid fucking thing he could say - was: 'You... You said shit like this could happen sometimes.'

Because I'm gay.

Sebastian kept staring at him, a line in the middle of his forehead, a frown on his face. He didn't seem angry, he seemed really focused. Alex's face was red. He knew it was. He could feel it. 

Hands tightened around his, and Alex's next breath shook, and he knew Sebastian fucking heard it, because the room was so silent. 

What do I fucking do?

'Once, maybe,' Sebastian said, his voice different. He looked away once from Alex's face, only to look between his legs again, and then stared at Alex like he'd never seen him before. 'Do you...?'

Those hands flexing around his again, one moving to cover Alex's hand completely in a slow drag, and Sebastian watched him the entire time. Alex was terrified, he might as well have that fucking barbell crushing his chest. He couldn't move. 

Sebastian's other hand let go of Alex's and moved down, and Alex didn't know what was happening until Sebastian reached forwards underneath the barbell, over Alex's face and placed a palm flat on his chest, over his shirt. Alex's throat was so dry, so fucking dry, and he had to keep his legs bent, and he thought he should be protesting, pretending this was an outrage, shouting he was straight. That last part wouldn't have worked, but the rest of it probably would have. 

But Alex's body was ruled by a desperation he couldn't deal with. 

'Alex,' Sebastian said. 'Alex, are you...?'

Fingers curling down into his chest, and then Sebastian dropped his forehead down onto the barbell and stared and stared at him. 

'So you're gay,' Sebastian said slowly, like he was double-checking. 

Alex's dick was so hard it fucking hurt. He was pressing his feet down into the bench, his pelvis was tense, he wanted to fucking run. He wanted to sprint out of the house and throw himself into another universe. He was embarrassed, he was scared, but Sebastian was touching him, and staring at him, and the hand on his chest was so warm. So warm. 

Alex nodded weakly, and Sebastian nodded too. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said. 'So... Okay. Alex, are you maybe...?' - Don't say it, Alex thought. Don't fucking say it. - 'Are you maybe - I can't believe I'm saying this - but are you maybe into me?' 

Alex stared at him helplessly. 

He wanted to tell Sebastian not to tell anyone, which was hilarious, because the one person who wasn't supposed to know had figured it out. 

'Yoba's ass, Alex, you can't not answer this question,' Sebastian said roughly, his hand squeezing Alex's harder where it was holding onto the barbell, until it hurt. His other hand pushed down into his chest. Alex wanted that weight so badly. 'Are you into me?' 

'Sure... Sure would be stupid if I was, right?' Alex said, his voice rougher, weaker, not quite sounding like himself. At least Sebastian didn't know it was love. Right? Was Sebastian going to start laughing? It didn't fucking feel like it. Sebastian's hands didn't seem angry, even though they were insistent, even though they were forceful. 

Sebastian moved closer, his head below the barbell now, closer to Alex's face. And then...then he smiled in a way that felt dangerous, and Alex's heart had to calm the fuck down, because he couldn't handle the way it raced. 

'You think I'm hot?' Sebastian said, his voice teasing. 

'Is this...where I apologise?' 

Sebastian shook his head, lips quirking, dark expression hard to read. He moved quickly, enough  Alex was afraid Sebastian would hurt him, but instead he moved so he could straddle the bench and Alex’s hips, one hand keeping Alex's wrapped around the barbell, the other slipping beneath Alex's shirt. The skin-to-skin contact was shocking, and Sebastian's hand wasn't still, but roaming, exploring, touching him. 

'What the fuck?' Alex said, his voice breaking. 

His body felt electric, this was crazier than any of the stupid shit he'd imagined them doing, and he knew the right thing to do was protest and leave and pretend it never happened, but he'd been waiting fucking years for this, and even though only one of his hands was pinned to the bar, he kept both of them there, unable to look away from Sebastian's determined, black gaze.

 

Notes:

...

OKAY SO DON'T HATE ME FOR THE CLIFFHANGER aslkfjsa

*

"'You don't talk during this shit either?' Sebastian said. 'I'll make you.'

'Shit, Sebastian, you can't just-'

The hand on his torso changed direction and slipped beneath the hem of Alex's shorts, and then his boxers, and Alex gasped and let go of the barbell with one of his hands, reaching for Sebastian's wrist. He was too hard. He was too fucking hard. He couldn't handle this.

Sebastian grabbed his wrist and held it in the air. 'Put it back,' he said.

'Sebastian...'

Sebastian's breathing did something at the way Alex said his name, and he gripped Alex's wrist harder.

'Put it back,' he said, his voice firmer."

*

Let's goooooooooooo
to my Tumblr actually

Chapter 30: Killed the Kingdom With One Move

Notes:

New tags: Handjob, Premature Ejaculation

Notes: Going forward, I won't be replying to comments *just* before a new chapter goes up! Instead I'll be replying to them before the next chapter goes up, but at any time (like today even!), so just a gentle warning for people who go 'NEW CHAPTER?' and then are really disappointed when there isn't one T.T

ALSO omg all the love y'all gave the last chapter??? I CAN'T - THANK YOU SO MUCH

Sebastian stared down at Alex with avid eyes, he squeezed Alex's hand again where it held onto the barbell. 

'Keep your hand there for a second,' he said. 

Alex's mouth was open, his breaths fast, silent, shallow. Sebastian's eyes moved over Alex's face, down his body, and Alex had never been looked at like this by a person in his entire life. He felt like he was being consumed, like Sebastian was removing layers from him. The hand on his stomach felt broad and strong, it was tense as it moved, pressing into Alex's skin. 

Sebastian met Alex's eyes again, and then he bent down, leaned forwards, and Alex's brain went blank. It wasn't until Sebastian's lips touched his that he realised that's why he'd been coming closer. Alex automatically went to close his mouth, but Sebastian had already captured his top lip, fingers digging into his flank, weight resting harder on Alex's upper thighs. 

He could taste a hint of the juice they'd had - pomegranates and apples - and Alex's voice caught on what would have been a moan when Sebastian pushed his shoulder down with his other hand, keeping him in place. 

'Fuck, Alex,' Sebastian murmured against his mouth, a heavy exhale gusting against his cheek. 'That was why your cock got hard when I shoved you against the wall that time? That's what you're into?'

Alex felt shocked at the way Sebastian just called it a cock. All of Alex's life, it had been a dick, and to say anything else was either too clinical, or too confrontational. But Sebastian wrapped his mouth around the word like it belonged. Sebastian kissed him again, and Alex shivered when he felt teeth scraping against tender skin. A bite followed, and it didn't hurt, but Alex felt a threat in it all the same. For some reason this made sense for Sebastian, it just made sense. He was just...pushy. 

'You don't talk during this shit either?' Sebastian said. 'I'll make you.'

'Shit, Sebastian, you can't just-'

The hand on his torso changed direction and slipped beneath the hem of Alex's shorts, and then his boxers, and Alex gasped and let go of the barbell with one of his hands, reaching for Sebastian's wrist. He was too hard. He was too fucking hard. He couldn't handle this. 

Sebastian grabbed his wrist and held it in the air. 'Put it back,' he said. 

'Sebastian...'

Sebastian's breathing did something at the way Alex said his name, and he gripped Alex's wrist harder. 

'Put it back,' he said, his voice firmer.

Alex hesitated, then put his hand back, holding on for dear life. He was already shuddering, and it felt way too intense when Sebastian wrapped his hand around his dick. It was embarrassing too, because he'd been working and was sweaty, wasn't it disgusting? But Sebastian had a smirk on his face that looked satisfied, and Alex didn't know if he was about to be mocked, or teased, and instead: 

'You feel good in my hand,' he said. 

Oh shit. 

The problem was... The problem was he was already so fucking hard. He didn't masturbate these days because he always thought about Sebastian, and it felt weird. He didn't know - he didn't know - he'd feel so sensitive if Sebastian was the one touching him. Didn't know he'd feel like he suddenly had a thousand more nerve endings responding to the slightest shifts in pressure if it was Sebastian's hand. He should've known, but he didn't. 

His mouth was dry, he thought about struggling to get away, not because he didn't want it, but because he already felt way too close. A life of jacking off quickly meant he came quickly. A life of fantasising about Sebastian meant...

...Oh shit, no, it can't be this fast. I can't come this fast. 

Sebastian's hand started moving on his dick, and Alex's mouth opened wider, and he felt heat and tightness across his pelvis, behind his balls, in his thighs. He dug his feet down into the bench, he grasped the metal bar so tight his knuckles ached. 

Sebastian looked like he gritted his teeth in something like determination, scraped nails down Alex's side, and Alex gasped hoarsely and tried to protest, but cried out instead. He was trying to hold off, but he'd never had to do that before, and he knew this was bad, it was fucking bad, but it felt so...

His face screwed up, he turned away from Sebastian's gaze, and the orgasm smashed into him so hard that his hips and thighs trembled, and Sebastian's hand stilled on Alex's dick in what seemed like shock. 

'I'm...sorry,' Alex choked out between huge breaths, even as heat flooded him. God, not even like five minutes. Not even three. What, had Sebastian managed ten strokes? Fifteen? Alex wanted to cry. 'I'm sorry.' 

'Hey,' Sebastian said, sounding different. 

Probably about to tell him something awful, probably about to say how fucking pathetic it was, and Alex felt messy and trapped and wanted to get away, and thought actually, wasn't he supposed to get Sebastian off now? Wasn't that the right thing to do? He didn't even know how. Like, okay, he knew how to jack off a dick, but he didn't...

Fuck, less than five fucking minutes. Fuck. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said again. 'It's fine. It's flattering, even.'

'Shut up,' Alex said, voice breaking. 

'Alex...' A hand touched Alex's knuckles where they were fisted around the bar. 'You can let go now. Come on. Your fingers look sore.'

'It's your turn, right?' Alex said, pushing up, trying to recover, reaching forwards with sore, stiff hands and then staring at Sebastian when he was pushed back down to the bench. 

'Hang on,' Sebastian said, taking a few deep, fast breaths. He carefully withdrew his hand from Alex's boxers and then rested it on his hip instead, over his shorts. He touched so casually, so easily, and Alex felt like there was years and years of life experience between them, even though they were the same fucking age. 'It's okay. You're okay. Ah, I should've asked first. I just kind of...went with it.' 

Was Sebastian regretting his decision? 

Of course he fucking is! You didn't fucking do anything! 

But Sebastian's lips slanted in a half-frown, and he bent down, and Alex stared up at the ceiling, confused, and then tilted his lips up when he realised Sebastian was going to kiss him. Okay. Why had kissing never really occurred to him? It wasn't even terrible. Sebastian's lips were careful but sure, and Alex's eyes eventually closed, and he opened his mouth, and he worried about all the things Sebastian might say to him, but the dude couldn't fucking insult him when their mouths were pressed together. When he felt a hot tongue touch his, it was shocking. He knew people did that sort of thing, but he also didn't...

He didn't know to imagine it, he didn't know he could experience that. 

There were nerve endings in his tongue he didn't know about either, and it felt good - hot, slick, terrifying and intimate - and he had no idea if he was doing well. He waited to see what Sebastian did, and then tried to do the same, because he didn't want to fuck it up. He wished he knew more. He wished he could be good at this. Not some fucking loser who came in less than five minutes. Great. He was that guy. 

'It's your turn now, isn't it?' Alex said, when Sebastian pressed his mouth to Alex's cheek. 'If you move, I can-'

'How many...people have you made out with?' Sebastian said. 

'You can just kill me right now, so I don't have to answer.'

'It's just...it doesn't have to be about turns,' Sebastian said. 'It's nice you want to return the favour, and that’s- I mean I’d like that too one day, but you also seem kind of, um, upset?'

'I'm good.'

'Yeah, I've just had my hand on your cock, so don't lie to me. Okay?' 

Alex couldn't believe Sebastian's body was so close to his. Even after what they'd just done, even though his instincts clamoured with a need to just get away and pretend none of this had happened, he craved the nearness so much. But he didn't want Sebastian to say something awful to him, because Alex thought he'd fall apart if he did. 

'You must've fooled around with like...' Sebastian paused. 'I mean, look at you, Alex, people must've been coming onto you.'

'Did you hate it that much?' Alex said. 'Are you just not fucking hard, or what?' 

Sebastian took hold of Alex's hand and drew it down, down further, and pressed Alex's hand against the bulge in his trousers. Alex swallowed and stared at Sebastian, who was now watching him, instead of pressing his face close so he couldn't. Shit, Sebastian's dick was... was a decent- It wasn't small. It wasn't completely hard, maybe half-hard, but Alex could feel the shape of it all the same. He was packing.

'I didn't hate it,' Sebastian said. 'I'm not gonna do something I hate. People come early, it happens.'

'People who are shit at sex,' Alex said. 

'Okay, I'm all for unpacking that, but I'm not doing it while- I mean you can't be comfortable.'

'Did you just do this to humiliate me? Is that it? Now you have proof I'm into you, or whatever, or think you're hot, whatever, you just wanted to prove a point?' 

Sebastian's jaw pulsed with tension. He grabbed both of Alex's wrists and pinned them behind Alex's head on the bench. He arched over him, stared down at him, looked angry. It was terrifying, but it was also...a lot of other things that Alex wanted, and his breathing became uneven. 

'Are you going to believe me if I say it wasn't about humiliation? You're just telling stories in your head. Which - shit - I get it after like...what happened last time, but I kicked Abigail out of my house for you, and-'

'You said you weren't taking sides, you said it was because-'

'It was still taking a side, and you know it. Maybe you should grab a shower, and we can talk about this like adults. Please? Can we try that?' 

Sebastian sounded desperate, and Alex's face scrunched up and he nodded. 'You sure you didn't hate it?'

'What, that you were so turned on you came super fast? Seriously? No. But you're... You've like never done this before, and we have to, uh, talk a bit about stuff. Look, go shower, I'll get a bag for your boxers, and you can go commando or something. I don't know. Just...' 

Sebastian let go of his wrists, then moved off him, and Alex swung so he was sitting up, and felt weak from more than just the stupid weights. 

'Go shower,' Sebastian said again. 'You said you don't like being pushy like me, so don't. I want you to go shower then meet me in the lounge, okay?'

'Okay,' Alex said. 

Sebastian hesitated. 'Okay.' 

He walked out of the gym, and Alex sucked down a breath and headed towards the shower, and didn't want to think, and couldn't believe that had just fucking happened. What if he'd ruined his job? What if he'd- No. He just... He just had to shower. 

He focused on that instead.

*

Sebastian sat on the couch with his legs curled up, and he looked comfortable. There were two coffees on the coffee table, and Alex sat on the couch for the first time and thought it was really comfortable. He was wearing tracksuit pants that Sebastian had left on the bathroom counter for him. They fit pretty well. 

'It's not bad,' Sebastian said, 'that you haven't been with anyone before. That's not bad. I just didn't realise. I'm sorry. I would've- I don't know. A lot of things happened in my head at the same time and it just kind of...happened. How are your hands?'

'Sore,' Alex said, looking at them. The knuckles were red, and when he flexed his fingers, he could feel an ache. It wouldn't last.

'Are you mad at me?'

'Why would I be mad at you?' 

'I didn't ask you if you were okay with it,' Sebastian said. 'I just...acted.'

'Uh. No. I'm not mad.'

'Just mad at yourself, right? For coming early. Or for whatever neurotic stuff you have going on in your head.'

'I mean, I don't really see why we have to have a conversation when you can already figure it all out.' 

'You drive me nuts, Alex.'

'You're the one who said you didn't need to come or anything, I could've dealt with-'

Sebastian crawled across the couch and pushed Alex down into the pillows by the shoulders, stared at him, and then bent down and kissed him again. Alex's eyelids sank shut immediately. Kissing was okay. Kissing felt pretty good. When Sebastian's tongue stroked along his, Alex made a low sound and grabbed onto Sebastian's shirt without thinking. It felt natural, even though Alex was still learning, worried that his mouth tasted bad, that he was doing it wrong. 

Sebastian pulled back and sighed. 'That helps. That helps a lot.'

'Helps with what?'

'You being the worst person to talk to that I've ever met in my entire life. You have to talk to me, Alex. Please talk to me. Like, a guy can be into someone and actually not want anything to do with them emotionally. Was that just chemistry?' 

'Was it just chemistry for you?' Alex said, dreading the answer. 

'I don't know,' Sebastian said. 'I mean you're hot, Alex, but I've kind of gone out of my way to not think about you like that pretty much all my life, for what I like to think are pretty obvious reasons. It's only been in the past few weeks that like... I don't know. It's not smart to let yourself spend time thinking about how hot a homophobic bigot is, you know?'

'Yeah,' Alex said. 

'That wasn't just chemistry, I want to do it again. I want to do more.' 

'Oh.' 

'But I don't want a relationship right now, and I don't think your first time should be with someone like me, Alex. I'm- I'm not...sweet and romantic.' 

'So...you think I want something sweet and romantic?' 

'Don't you?' Sebastian said, staring at him. 

'I mean I'm not a fucking girl.' 

Sebastian stared at him in disgust, and Alex's cheeks flushed, and he looked away. It was a kneejerk response, and it wasn't something he really believed at all. Was it bad that he felt like his dad might come in and hit him for saying he wanted something nice? Something sweet? Was it bad that he could hear all the things his dad would say at a time like this? Hell, his dad would beat him to death if he knew about any of it. Alex was dead meat just for liking guys. 

'Friends with benefits is complicated,' Sebastian said, voice rough. 'So...we probably shouldn't do this again. Even if I- Even if we could do that. I'm sorry, Alex. Even if I wanted a relationship, I don't know if we'd be compatible. For a start, you don't talk.'

'I talk,' Alex said, looking away. 'You just don't like what I say, sometimes. I- Look, whatever I say, it doesn’t matter because that's how you feel, right? So... So then... I keep cleaning for you, and, uh, that's it? I guess?' 

Sebastian was literally half-lying on top of him. Alex didn't feel like he was doing a really good job of withdrawing and keeping distance between them. And Alex wanted him again, felt like he could get hard again if he hadn't come like twenty minutes ago. He wanted to kiss Sebastian, learn more about it. He wanted...more. 

Was that the kind of shit he was supposed to say? To someone who'd just said he thought friends with benefits was complicated and that they shouldn't do this again? 

No, that's when Alex was supposed to shut the fuck up. Sebastian had said what he wanted, and Alex could listen. 

Sebastian's head tilted towards him, searching his face, and he looked as hungry as he had before when he'd touched Alex's torso, when he'd straddled him. His eyes were gleaming at some high intensity, and Alex was being consumed all over again. It felt like everything could kick off like it had before, and Alex wanted it. 

But then Sebastian inhaled, and pushed back slowly, and sat back on the couch again, looking more serious than before.

Do you want me? Alex wanted to ask. Even right now?

Instead, he made himself stand. He wasn't going to embarrass himself by asking for things Sebastian didn't want to give, and the guy had been married, and divorced without his consent or even his knowledge, and he probably had a million reasons to not want to be in a relationship any time soon, let alone with his old high school bully. And at first Alex thought he'd tell Haley about what had happened, but now he wasn't sure. He told her everything, but this felt different.

It felt so different. 

'I'm gonna head off,' Alex said. 

Sebastian stood too. 'Okay. Sure. Do you want to-? Is there anything you want to say?' 

'Nah,' Alex said. 'You covered it all pretty well.'

'There's really nothing wrong with you for... for what happened. Some guys find it hot, you know,' Sebastian said, as they walked through the kitchen together and Alex opened the front door. Alex nodded in acknowledgement. He felt like it was unbalanced between them, and he didn't know how to make it right again. Maybe he just couldn't. 

'Alex...' Sebastian said, as Alex stepped through the front door. He turned and looked over his shoulder, and wondered if he was imagining the way Sebastian stared at him. 'Just- Get home safe, okay?' 

'Okay,' Alex said. 'Have a good night.'

Sebastian's lips pressed together, and he nodded. Alex raised a hand in farewell and walked down the steps, and he was heading past the Community Centre when he realised he'd left his boxers back at Sebastian's in a plastic bag. His shorts too. He almost laughed. Well, he could deal with that next time. 

It felt messy to think about what had just happened, but he knew one thing for absolute fucking certain, he was really gay. Just...really gay. Whatever uncertainties he'd had about that before had been obliterated, and he almost wanted to laugh, but instead he felt heavy and flat. Now he had a different kind of heartbreak to contend with, and he sighed. 

It wouldn't be the first time, anyway. 

Notes:

In our next chapter, You're Noticing Me:

"He was trying so, so desperately not to think about how good Sebastian’s hands had felt on his body, and how bad it had felt when Sebastian had said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and they should just be friends.

In one day he’d gotten everything he wanted and then been shot out of the cannon of rejection in the same fucking hour.

‘You must be mad at Abigail,’ Sam said.

‘Yep.’

‘Yeah,’ Sam said, sighing. ‘Yeah. Shit. I got nothing, man. I think she’s the best in the world, but she’s got shit she can be so awful about. I didn’t know she’d say any of that stuff to you. Because like, it’s not true… I was a bit of a follower when I was younger, and Seb always seemed like he knew what was up. You know, he had that awesome basement, and he was making money when the most we could get were a few gold coins here and there doing odd jobs. By the time I had my first fully paying gig, he was already making high five figures. And sometimes I still get into that mindset around him. But that’s shit, isn’t it?

‘So I decided I’m my own man, and I can come visit and apologise. You don’t need to forgive me or nothing, I don’t expect that, I just wanted to say that it’s cool that you’ve made my mom so happy, and Abigail might have her thoughts about how you’re a “bad influence” or whatever, but they’re not my thoughts. She doesn’t speak for me, I don’t speak for her, et cetera. You get me?’

‘I think so,’ Alex said."

*

Alex like, 'I mean maybe I kind of get you but wow you talk a lot' while Sam gives the most awkward apology ever - also stay tuned because the burn is still definitely burning in the next chapter too (I wanted to put up an excerpt of that, but I think that's on Tumblr, or it's going to be on Tumblr soon, so sdlkjfs)

Chapter 31: You're Noticing Me

Notes:

Despite Sebastian's words, his thirst is still big enough to eclipse the sun

Alex woke to a knock on the door, and realised he hadn’t set an alarm for himself the night before. He stumbled out of bed, turning on the lights as he went, and opened the front door in his boxers and a faded T-shirt that was too large for him, printed with candy canes. He shivered, staring at the dead coals in the fireplace. Fuck. He hadn’t stoked the fire after cleaning Sebastian’s the day before.

He was shocked to see Sam standing on the porch, wearing jeans and looking fashionable as always. It was easy to forget he was the star of a small-but-increasingly-famous band when he was just “Sebastian’s friend” the rest of the time.

‘Shit,’ Sam said, staring at him. ‘Hey, I don’t know your schedule. You want me to come back?’

‘I overslept,’ Alex said. ‘You coming in?’

Alex didn’t know why Sam was there, his heart thumping. He moved backwards, rubbing at his eyes, and Sam stepped in and looked around curiously.

‘You want to shower and stuff?’ Sam asked. ‘Get dressed?’

‘Uh, sure,’ Alex said, frowning. He hesitated, then decided it’d be pretty bad form to ask Sam not to do anything ridiculous to his grandparents’ house.

As he walked down the corridor to his room, he thought he wasn’t entirely wrong to be suspicious. Almost every single act of vandalism in the town had been initiated by Sam. From the littering in the town river, to the literal graffiti that used to be on the side of the Community Centre, to the broken railings Sam had skateboarded down, proving they weren’t designed for the weight of a teenager trying to use them as rails.

He dressed, washed his face and brushed his teeth, taking less than a few minutes. When he came back, Sam was sitting in the kitchen, staring at some game at his phone. He put the phone down when he saw Alex and smiled.

‘It’s weird that I’m here, yeah? I know. I never visit, because of…everything.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

‘Mom’s been so happy since you cleaned. She keeps saying everything’s “fresh” again. I dunno what it means, but that’s nice.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah, so, I’m sorry about the other night,’ Sam said, shoving his phone into his pocket. ‘I’m sorry I just stood there while Abi said what she said. I’m sorry about that. I was thinking about it later, and that’s shitty. Actually, I looked it up, you know. I looked up that kind of stuff, and just standing there and saying nothing isn’t really great, apparently. But also… Shit. It’s amazing the stuff you think is fine in high school and then one day you’re like: No that’s unhinged actually.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, leaning against the kitchen counter. ‘Well… Okay.’

He waited to see what Sam had to say about Abigail, waited to hear the excuses. Sam’s blond hair was styled, and he’d really grown into his features. Alex realised he was idly considering how hot Sam was and wanted to groan. Because he wasn’t really attracted to Sam at all, but this was the sort of shit he should have been thinking about when he looked at girls when he was a teenager. Now it was this shit. It was so fucking stupid.

He was trying so, so desperately not to think about how good Sebastian’s hands had felt on his body, how bad it had felt when Sebastian said he wasn’t looking for a relationship and they should just be friends.

In one day he’d gotten everything he wanted and then been shot out of the cannon of rejection in the same fucking hour.

‘You must be mad at Abigail,’ Sam said.

‘Yep.’

‘Yeah,’ Sam said, sighing. ‘Yeah. Shit. I got nothing, man. I think she’s the best in the world, but she’s got shit she can be so awful about. I didn’t know she’d say any of that stuff to you. Because like, it’s not true. I was a bit of a follower when I was younger, Seb always seemed like he knew what was up. You know, he had that awesome basement, he was making money when the most we could get were a few gold coins here and there doing odd jobs. By the time I had my first fully paying gig, he was already making high five figures. And sometimes I still get into that mindset around him. But that’s shit, isn’t it?

‘So I decided I’m my own man, and I can come visit and apologise. You don’t need to forgive me or nothing, I don’t expect that, I just wanted to say that it’s cool that you’ve made my mom so happy, and Abigail might have her thoughts about how you’re a “bad influence” or whatever, but they’re not my thoughts. She doesn’t speak for me, I don’t speak for her, et cetera. You get me?’

‘I think so,’ Alex said.

‘Cool, cool. Well. That’s…all I came here for,’ Sam said, laughing and standing up.

‘Oh, um, you didn’t want a drink or anything?’

‘Nah, you don’t have to do that. I have to say, I miss them a lot. George and Evelyn. They were the tightest couple in the Valley, everyone knew it. My mom and dad hope to be like them when they’re older.’

‘They do?’ Alex said, shocked.

‘Yeah, man, that’s the dream, isn’t it? To end up in a nice old house with the love of your life.’ Sam gazed off into the distance, then laughed at himself. ‘Not exactly the image a total rockstar wants to give off, but it’s not like the fans know. Anyway, see you round, and I’m sorry again. You ever want to talk about stuff, I don’t know, anything about the past or whatever, I’ll probably be shit at it, but you can.’

‘Thanks,’ Alex said, smiling.

Sam’s face brightened, and he tipped an invisible cap at Alex, then let himself out.

Alex stared after him and wondered what he’d think if he knew what Sebastian and Alex had gotten up to in Sebastian’s home gym only the day before.

‘Fuck me,’ Alex said under his breath, before closing the door and resting his head against it. After that, he went to stoke the fire, because winter’s chill was still gripping the house in its cold, cold hands, even if the spring flowers were popping up everywhere outside.

*

Alex didn’t know who to talk to about what happened, and in the end he talked to no one.

He didn’t know how to tell Haley, who would have gotten excited for him, and then been let down in the same sentence. He couldn’t do that to her.

He definitely couldn’t tell Dr Harvey.

And that left…lying in his bed at night, hand lying by his dick as he thought about the way Sebastian had touched him, talked to him. He wanted to jerk off but just fucking couldn’t, because his chest ached when he thought about it. His whole body infected with lust, and he couldn’t take a full deep breath, because he thought he might cry if he did.

Haley would shove him if he called it girly shit.

Alex couldn’t help imagining how people might react if they knew. He thought of his dad, and wondered how he was supposed to face Sebastian on Wednesday. Probably the same way he always had. Yoba only knew that he’d had to face him through other humiliating shit as well.

They still hadn’t talked about the night Abigail had popped off, and Alex didn’t want to. He didn’t want Sebastian trying to fix it, and he didn’t want to admit he was still badly affected by it after all this time. That was the problem. Either he let Sebastian try and fix it and pretend he was past it, or he let himself stay stuck, and what kind of self-respectable man knew that and didn’t let that shit go?

His fingers brushed against his dick, and he wanted to imagine they were Sebastian’s. He could still feel the ghost of those hands against him, and stupidly, he thought of Martingale. He thought of Sebastian touching Martingale like that, and thought the farmer was a stupid fuckhead, actually, for divorcing Sebastian.

Like…seriously.

*

Wednesday came around and Alex let himself into Sebastian’s, who was sitting at his desk in the middle of a call. He stared at Alex closely while listening to someone, then waved him through to the laundry.

‘I’m saying,’ Sebastian said, as Alex walked past him, in the tone of someone really pissed off, ‘I can deliver within the timeframe you’re asking for, but I want another ten grand, or you can find another company that does work half as good in twice as much time.’

Alex’s eyes widened on his way to the laundry.

He couldn’t even pretend he wasn’t trying to listen in as he opened the laundry cabinets as quietly as possible.

‘I know you think I’m being unreasonable,’ Sebastian said with the kind of slow condescension he used to save for Alex back in school, ‘but the reason you’re trying to browbeat me now is because you know that if you try other engineers and companies, you’re going to get a poorer result. Bradley, I’ll give you the list of my contacts, and you can call every single one and take your chances with them. You might be used to bullying people you bring into projects after they’ve done some work for you, but I’m used to walking away. I’ve got six other venture capital companies in Zuzu who want to work with me right now with budgets bigger than yours. Call my bluff if you like. The only reason I want to be here is because your project is interesting, but if you keep treating me like this, I’ll walk away and sign up a new job by day’s end.’

Damn, Alex thought, smiling to himself. That was some baller shit right there.

Also, all these people had to be night owls, because Sebastian talked on the phone quite a bit despite his late-night hours. Maybe it was a time-zone thing? Now that he thought about it, Sebastian worked from home, and he could do work all over the world. That was wild.

‘That’s what I thought,’ Sebastian said, sounding both triumphant and decisive. ‘You won’t regret it.’

A moment later the sound of frantic typing filled the air and Alex got to work and reality set back in.

Here he was, cleaning the house of the person he’d shared his first orgasm with, who he was in love with, and that guy didn’t want a relationship with him, didn’t want to do friends with benefits, and said they wouldn’t be compatible anyway, because Alex didn’t talk. Alex sighed explosively and cleaned Sebastian’s bathroom and hated that his dick was just…alert. Not completely hard, but he had a full-body awareness of the space, the scents, even the smell of Sebastian’s sweat.

‘I’m so fucked,’ he murmured under his breath, during another burst of furious typing from Sebastian.

When he stopped vacuuming Sebastian’s room, Alex heard him pacing the kitchen. He was wiping down the chests of drawers by the bed when he heard footsteps coming down the corridor.

He looked up, confused, a cloth in one hand and a spray bottle of diluted cleaning product in the other.

Sebastian stood in the doorway, staring at Alex seriously, maybe even angrily, but Alex didn’t know how to read his expression at all. He thought he might have seen it the other day in the gym, and Alex swallowed.

Maybe he should say something.

‘Fuck it,’ Sebastian said, walking up to Alex. ‘Fuck it.’

He grabbed Alex’s arm, pushed him into the wall, placed his other hand on his chest, and then kissed him.

Alex’s hands clenched into the cloth and spray bottle, and he made a sound of shock as Sebastian’s tongue slicked across his, tasting of heat and the bitterness of coffee. Just like before, Alex had no real way of processing what was happening, needing to press pause on the world just to understand the way all his senses lit up when Sebastian was near him.

All his panicked thoughts clamoured: Sebastian had said they shouldn’t, he’d said that, and god Sebastian was kissing him, and Alex hadn’t brushed his teeth in a few hours, and did his mouth taste bad? What if Alex was really bad at it? Would Sebastian want to kiss him again if he was really bad at it? Wait, was Sebastian into him too?

Is that why this was happening again?

He moaned, the sound deep, and Sebastian reacted to that, his other hand fisting up into Alex’s shirt and pushing him even harder against the wall, head slanting so his tongue could push deeper and explore his mouth. Alex broke away to breathe, and Sebastian licked a stripe across his neck that made his whole body shudder with heat.

‘Fucking hell,’ Alex breathed.

‘I know I said we couldn’t,’ Sebastian said against Alex’s skin. ‘But you drive me nuts.’

‘I was literally just…cleaning your house.’

Sebastian’s laugh was dark, and Alex exhaled hard when Sebastian’s hand slipped between his legs.

‘Have you been thinking about it too?’ Sebastian said. ‘I bet you have.’

‘You’re such a dickhead,’ Alex complained, head tipping back against the wall as he stared blankly at the ceiling. Sebastian’s palm massaged his cock roughly through layers of boxers and shorts. He winced, then flinched as the sensation wasn’t quite pleasure.

‘You gonna come for me?’

‘Fuck off.’

Sebastian’s mouth on his again, and Alex lifted his hands to indicate that he was holding shit and didn’t know what to do with it, but it wasn’t like Sebastian was paying attention. Alex dropped the cloth and wasn’t sure what to do at first, then grabbed the wrist attached to the hand working at his dick and balls, feeling crushed and sore and good and shot through with heat all at the same time.

He wanted to come so badly. He was already so fucking close.

‘You’ve been thinking about it,’ Sebastian said, as sure as he’d sounded on the phone.

It was stupidly hot to be with someone who just knew stuff like that.

‘Yeah, maybe,’ Alex said.

Sebastian bit Alex’s bottom lip gently, and Alex’s eyes closed.

‘You’ve been thinking about me,’ Sebastian said.

‘You’re so full of it,’ Alex managed, before Sebastian’s mouth was on his again.

The smart part of his brain – which definitely wasn’t in charge – wanted to push Sebastian back, ask what the fuck was happening, but instead Alex grunted softly as a hand moved under his shirt so easily. So easily. No one told him that clothes were just suggestions to people like Sebastian.

Sebastian’s hand over his bare skin, grasping at him, palming over his abdomen, then reaching up and grabbing at his ribs and pectoral before he pressed his forehead to Alex’s and took several breaths.

Alex was glad the wall had some of his weight.

‘I’m still- Sometimes I still can’t even believe you’re gay, which is really…wrong of me, like you are who you are,’ Sebastian said. ‘But… Okay. Okay. This is so unprofessional of me. Shit. Shit, I’m sorry.’

Sebastian stepped backwards, and Alex’s arm moved automatically. One moment Sebastian was moving away from him, and the next he’d stilled as Alex reached out and took a handful of his black shirt in his fingers.

Black-green eyes considering his, and Alex stared at him for a long time, not sure he could go through Sebastian saying no all over again.

‘I really don’t want a relationship,’ Sebastian said, his voice rough, warning, like someone who didn’t want to say no. Like someone who wanted to push this off the cliff as much as Alex did.

‘Especially not with someone who doesn’t talk,’ Alex said, not looking away.

Sebastian grimaced. He dragged a hand through his hair, then grasped Alex’s hand where it had hold of his shirt and just…kept it there. It felt weirdly intimate even after what they’d just done.

Alex was still holding the spray cleaner in his other hand.

‘We haven’t even talked about the things Abigail said to you,’ Sebastian said. ‘The shit I used to say to you. The shit you would’ve sat on for the rest of your life – I’m pretty sure – if it hadn’t come up in that clusterfuck the other day. Right? You were never going to say a word about it, were you?’

I still don’t fucking want to.

Alex closed his eyes. He hated how something that had gotten him through his whole life, was now something other people seemed to frown on. From Dr Harvey to Haley in her own way, and now Sebastian.

He expected Sebastian to move away, but instead he moved closer and kissed Alex again, burying hands in his hair and gripping on tight enough that it pulled and pricked at his scalp. Alex’s voice broke, and Sebastian’s hands tightened even more, like he wanted to grab and grasp and mould him into shape.

Alex was terrified of it all, but he would much rather someone make all the decisions for him, than have to know what he wanted.

‘Being gay and being with me are two different things,’ Sebastian said against Alex’s stubbled jaw.

Alex almost made a joke, but he held back at the last minute. He knew it was true.

‘You should just go find someone else,’ Sebastian said. ‘It doesn’t have to be me. This is just your gay awakening or something because I’ve come back to the Valley, and I think I’m the only other one here who’s queer. That I know of, anyway. David likes you, and he’d be nicer than me. I used to hate the fact that he wanted to go on dates.’

Alex risked pressing his mouth to Sebastian’s jaw. It felt daring, like he might get punched in the face for it, like somehow – somehow – he was still reading the whole situation totally wrong. And he kind of was, in a way, because Sebastian saw this as some new gay awakening, and not a fucking dead weight Alex had dragged behind him for so long he was used to it pulling down his whole existence.

‘Some gay awakening, huh?’ Alex said. It was almost funny, almost fucking cute, that Sebastian thought of it that way.

Alex knew he was gay long before Sebastian did. Because Sebastian realised with Martingale, and Alex realised because Sebastian existed, the dumbass goth asshole nerd who made his life a living fucking hell.

‘I’m not someone who scales up slowly and gently,’ Sebastian said, pressing closer. ‘I’m not someone who’s going to- Fuck, Alex, I’m trying to be the closest I get to being a gentleman here.’

‘You’re probably not even into me,’ Alex said.

‘What?’

‘I mean- I don’t know,’ Alex said awkwardly. Why had he said that?

Sebastian moved his head back and searched Alex’s eyes, then frowned. ‘I mean- That’s- I’d never thought of you that way, but that doesn’t mean I can’t now.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said quickly, because he was pretty sure it was unattractive as fuck to be as insecure as he was. Fuck, last time he’d asked if Sebastian had hated it twice. And he’d apologised. And he’d not given anything back at all. Hadn’t even made Sebastian come.

Sebastian had a look on his face like Alex was too much trouble to be worth the effort, and Alex was too much to deal with, and a mess, but he knew how to change a subject.

He pushed Sebastian backwards and dropped to his knees, resting the spray cleaner on the carpet before moving his hands to the button fly on Sebastian’s black jeans. Of course the asshole had a button fly, it couldn’t just be easy.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, sounding shocked.

The carpet wasn’t too bad on his knees, it was really good quality.

Alex’s heart was going so fast he felt dizzy. It’d be funny if someone had a heart attack from the idea of sucking another man’s dick. But it felt like things had come full circle in a way. Hadn’t it all started with him imagining forcing Sebastian to his knees to suck him off? Some sick version of revenge bullying that turned around so fucking fast Alex felt like he was still recovering.

Yeah, that sure is some gay awakening, huh? The voice in his head was mocking, derisive, mean. After all this time, he was still so ashamed that was how it started, that he had that level of cruelty in his mind, worse than anything his dad had done to him.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, placing a hand on Alex’s forehead, pushing slightly, but not hard.

Not hard enough to indicate he really wanted Alex to stop.

Here goes nothing, he thought, and started popping the buttons on Sebastian’s fly, wondering if he should’ve watched a fucking how-to video or something first.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter - Throw the Man You Used To Be Away:

"‘Wait,’ Sebastian said, his voice firm, his hand gripping up Alex’s hair and holding him still.

Alex looked up at him, and Sebastian’s throat moved on a swallow.

‘Wait,’ Sebastian said, expression dark and hungry. He reached down with his other hand and wrapped it around his dick, running it up the skin once, but he didn’t look away from Alex the entire time. ‘Thought you’d find this too gross or something.’

‘I mean I have one too,’ Alex said, his scalp prickling from the way Sebastian gripped his hair.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, smirking a little. ‘Hey, open your mouth real wide for me, for a second.’

It was Alex’s turn to swallow."

*

Welp. A completely normal amount of sanity happening between these two right now, just... a couple of dudes being bros! I am also a couple of dudes being bros over at Tumblr (just jokes I am merely one bro-dude)

Chapter 32: Throw the Man You Used to Be Away

Notes:

It's a loved one's 40th tomorrow and I realised I should probably put the chapter up a day early! Er, so, enjoy! This really is just... it's really just all smut :D

Notes: There’s some moments of dubious consent here, and there’s no safeword. There is some communication, but it’s not what I’d call negotiation lol. Safe sex? What safe sex?

Alex already knew he didn’t find the smell of Sebastian’s sweat disgusting, because Yoba knew he’d picked up enough whiffs of it in Sebastian’s home gym, and sometimes while doing laundry, even if Sebastian was clean overall. The muskier smell from Sebastian’s boxers didn’t disgust him because he was a guy, because he kind of expected it, but it still shocked him. All of this felt so fucking new.

He could feel Sebastian’s eyes on the top of his head, feel the warmth of his palm, and Alex knew the basic mechanics but…

Come on, man.

There was a feeling he got when he increased the amount of weight he was training with. Where he wondered, just before lifting the barbell, if he could even do it. He had that feeling now. The way he’d always dealt with it was to take a deep breath and make it fucking work. He’d only find out if it was too much by trying.

He opened his mouth and pressed it to the bulge of Sebastian’s boxers, the fabric barrier not offering the sense of safety he thought it would. Not with the way Sebastian inhaled sharply, the way his fingers tightened.

Also, Sebastian’s dick was bigger than Alex’s. He could tell even as he shifted to press his mouth around the length of it through cotton.

‘What the fuck, Alex?’ Sebastian said, like he had no idea who he was.

Alex was pretty sure he was going to mess this up, but whatever, at least he couldn’t come in five seconds doing this.

He hoped so anyway, because he was hard, and it felt heady being on his knees in this house he’d just cleaned.

When he pulled Sebastian’s boxers down, his knuckles brushed against black pubic hair, he saw more black hair on his thighs – just a little, the rest hidden by jeans – and Alex wanted to fucking touch him.

He grabbed onto Sebastian’s thigh, tried not to stare at his dick like it was some kind of villain someone would encounter in a video game. It was intimidating. Plus, it wasn’t like Alex made it his mission in life to stare at people’s dicks.

But he’d seen a few in gym showers and changerooms over the years, and Sebastian probably had superiority issues with the people in Stardew Valley for more than one reason. Sebastian wasn’t circumcised, and the colour of his dick was a dusky kind of brown-pink, prettier than Alex expected, until he thought about how big it was.

‘Wait,’ Sebastian said, voice firm, his hand gripping Alex’s hair and holding him still.

Alex looked up, Sebastian’s throat moved on a swallow.

‘Wait,’ Sebastian said again, expression dark and hungry. He reached down with his other hand and wrapped it around his dick, running it up and down, but he didn’t look away from Alex the entire time. ‘Thought you’d find this too gross or something.’

‘I mean I have one too,’ Alex said, scalp prickling with the way Sebastian gripped his hair.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, smirking. ‘Hey, open your mouth real wide for me, for a second.’

It was Alex’s turn to swallow.

He thought about saying some kind of quip or retort, but instead he opened his mouth and didn’t break eye contact. He was panicking, he knew he was, but whatever, he’d have the meltdown later.

I thought you said this couldn’t happen, he thought, staring at Sebastian. So why is this happening?

Yoba only knew that Alex didn’t have the willpower to stop this from going ahead. Not when he craved all of it so badly.

Saliva pooled in his mouth. He wondered if Sebastian thought he was ugly like this, but he didn’t look like it.

‘Damn it, Alex,’ Sebastian said, then angled his dick towards him. Alex thought he was going to slide it into his mouth – kind of terrifying – but instead rested it against his cheek, before rubbing it over his skin. It felt kind of dirty, like they were doing something that wasn’t allowed. Alex was shocked at how much that didn’t make him want to stop. ‘Keep your mouth open.’

Alex hadn’t even tried to close it.

‘You ever watched porn about this?’ Sebastian said, staring down.

Alex shook his head as much as he could manage, scalp aching.

‘You sure look like you have,’ Sebastian said.

Alex’s whole face was hot.

‘It’s so stupid,’ Sebastian said, rubbing the tip of his dick over Alex’s mouth – Alex’s breathing shaking in response – the skin catching on Alex’s lips, ‘but I feel like it’s going to take forever for me to get used to the fact that it’s real, that you’re gay. I keep saying it. I know it makes me a dickhead. But this is like… Shit. Well. Since you don’t like talking, you might as well do something else with that mouth of yours.’

Alex would have said something, but suddenly the head of Sebastian’s dick was in his mouth, on his tongue.

‘Put your top lip over your teeth,’ Sebastian ordered.

Alex did it, and Sebastian nodded in a kind of brusque approval, and Alex was fucking drowning. His dick was way harder than before.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, looking satisfied, staring down. ‘Yeah, okay. Okay. Fuck it.’

Sebastian fed more of his dick into Alex’s mouth, until the head was resting fully on his tongue, his mouth stretching, lips pulling at the corners. Alex closed his eyes because he couldn’t keep looking up. He felt humiliated, even now it was hard to imagine this wouldn’t end with him as the butt of the joke. Even now, those memories from high school stretched and loomed over him.

He tasted the faintest hint of soap, salt, a sourness that might have been sweat and disappeared quickly. His tongue shifted, feeling how fragile the skin was, and realised he had the power to do real damage if he wanted to bite down, and Sebastian probably knew it too.

Sebastian eased back, pushed back in again, the movements unhurried, but Alex could tell he was exerting a lot of self-control. He asked himself if he was really going to do this, but it seemed like it was already happening.

‘Ah, fucking hell,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’m not even on break from work.’

He pushed in deeper, and Alex made a faint noise, not used to having so much in his mouth. He grasped a handful of the black denim of Sebastian’s jeans, sucked in a breath through his nose, felt overwhelmed.

‘You have…such a good mouth for this,’ Sebastian breathed, withdrawing and pushing in faster. ‘Do me a favour and suck when I pull out, see what that’s like.’

Alex tried it, and Sebastian exhaled like he’d been punched. His next push in was more of a shove, and the head of his dick brushed the back of Alex’s throat.

The spasm felt like it came out of nowhere. It took all his energy to not slam his mouth shut. Instead of pulling out straight away, Sebastian’s hands tightened on his head, gripped his jaw, and Alex made a panicked sound through his nose as he tried to pull backwards.

‘Not yet, not yet,’ Sebastian said.

A hanging, weightless moment and then Sebastian pulled out, and Alex coughed and brought a hand to cover his mouth, shocked at how wet his lips were.

‘That’s not even deep throating,’ Sebastian said, sounding amused. ‘It’s okay, we won’t do that today. You want to stop? That enough for you?’

Alex looked up at him, and Sebastian’s expression changed at whatever was on his face.

‘You’re not making it easy to stop,’ he said darkly.

‘Felt like I was going to hurl,’ Alex said.

‘Sometimes people do. It’s just your gag reflex. You want to stop?’

Alex didn’t know how to react. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to think. It’d been hard, but for a few minutes there, he’d felt like he didn’t have to think about anything too complicated and could focus on what was happening to him.

Sebastian’s dick was wet where it touched his face.

‘If we keep going, you’re going to gag again,’ Sebastian said. ‘I like the way it feels. Your throat clamps down on my cock. It’s something I want to do to you.’

Fucking… What the fuck am I supposed to say to that?

‘I don’t want to throw up on your carpet,’ Alex said. Of all the fucking things to say, it was that. ‘It’s a shit to clean.’

Sebastian’s smirk softened into something that might have been a smile.

‘Yeah, so then I won’t go all the way in, and we’ll try and make sure it’s no more than just gagging, all right? You didn’t throw up then, did you? You find me hot, think about that if you want, it’ll help you deal with it.’

‘You know you’re an asshole, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, smug as anything. ‘Yeah, I like being an asshole at times like this. Which is why I’m asking you if you want to stop, because if you keep not saying anything, I’m gonna shove my cock in your mouth again.’

Alex opened his mouth and had the satisfaction of Sebastian looking about as stunned as if someone slapped him.

‘Fuck,’ he breathed, and Alex remembered to inhale quickly as Sebastian slid his dick back into his mouth.

Things picked up after that. Sebastian thrusted faster than before, but Alex could tell he was still being careful, even as he moved his tongue more, sucked more, even as his mouth and jaw ached, the roof of his mouth feeling the pressure. And in between all of that was Sebastian pushing to the back of his throat, holding still when he got there, sometimes scratching his fingers over Alex’s head in a way that made tingles move in thrills down the back of Alex’s spine.

‘Your mouth is so good,’ Sebastian said, his voice rougher than before. ‘You’re a fast learner, huh? Damn, Alex.’

Alex’s hand and wrist twitched. He had such an urge to push the heel of his hand against the base of his dick to calm the fuck down. He didn’t think he’d been called a fast learner once in his life.

Sebastian sped up, pushed harder, held Alex’s head in place longer when the gagging started. Alex freaked out the first time he felt a thick trickle of saliva drip down his chin, felt panic the first time tears came to his eyes, and Sebastian didn’t stop even when Alex shoved at his thigh. If anything he sped up more.

‘Suck me harder,’ Sebastian said, and Alex did it without thinking, then fingers smeared the tears on his cheeks and he moaned, because he was embarrassed, because he liked it when Sebastian touched him.

His jaw was really hurting, it was getting hard to find a good rhythm with his breathing because repeatedly gagging made it harder to recover every time. He felt Sebastian’s pulse in his dick, a kind of throbbing on his tongue, in his mouth, and realised Sebastian was close. Getting really close. And he didn’t know what they were going to do, because surely he wasn’t going to, surely he wouldn’t-

-Sebastian clasped both hands tight around Alex’s head when he came in pulses at the back of his mouth, hot fluid coating his throat, making him want to cough badly. He fisted up Sebastian’s jeans and held on, trying not to violently cough, feeling like his head was about to explode. Only seconds later, Alex shoved backwards when he sensed Sebastian was done, coughing into his hand, bending forwards over himself, gasping for cold breath after cold breath.

‘Fuck me, Alex,’ Sebastian said in amazement, voice so rough he sounded like he was the one who’d just given someone head.

Alex had the taste of a salt-bitterness in his mouth and throat, on his tongue, and he didn’t know if he liked it, but he’d swallowed whatever he hadn’t accidentally sprayed out of his mouth, and he felt dizzy from how turned on he was.

Sebastian dropped down to his knees on the carpet, and Alex had a moment of thinking he’d somehow managed to give such a good blowjob that Sebastian couldn’t keep standing. Then Sebastian shoved Alex down to the floor, his back meeting the carpet, and pulled his gym shorts down in a single swift movement that had his briefs hooking painfully on his dick.

‘What?’ Alex said, alarmed. His voice was…not normal, after what he’d just done.

One hand pushing his chest down, the other grabbing his thigh and pushing it out sideways, and Sebastian bent down and in the space of time that Alex thought maybe Sebastian would be judging him for how hard he was, he’d taken half of Alex’s dick into his mouth.

‘What?’ Alex slammed a hand over his mouth.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

It was wet, hot, there was suction, it was insane that Sebastian found it so easy to do. Alex gasped for breath, making some stupid keening noise in the back of his throat because it was so fucking hard to remember to breathe like a normal person. His thighs started shaking, and Sebastian’s fingers dug into his quad, and Alex stared at the ceiling, seeing none of it.

‘Sebastian, you- Fuck, you can’t just- Oh fuck, oh my fuck-’

Alex had no idea what he was saying. Sebastian could do what he wanted, and Alex stared down his body at Sebastian’s hair, and wanted to touch it so badly. He reached out with a shaking hand, and when he brushed his fingers against the strands – styled with product – Sebastian looked up at him while keeping Alex’s dick in his mouth, something fierce in his gaze, like he was a victor in some battle.

Alex stared at him, felt tension winding tighter and tighter inside him, then his head dropped back to the floor with a groan. He didn’t know he could feel like this, didn’t know how he was supposed to contain everything ramping up like a stressed engine inside of him.

Sebastian sucked harder, and Alex felt a deep ache in his dick, the pressure nearly bruising, he pressed his hand over his mouth again, his moans taking on a pained note, and then his other foot thumped into the floor. He couldn’t speak.

The ache of it stretched into a sharp, antsy pleasure that spiked inside him until he felt it in his spine, his balls, in the shaking of his leg muscles, in his dick which probably hadn’t been this hard ever.

When he came, Sebastian didn’t withdraw. He pinned Alex’s hips down with one hand and kept his thigh pushed out of the way, and Alex trembled and made low, throaty sounds on every exhale. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d come so hard.

Sebastian pulled off him with a wet sound, rucked up Alex’s shirt, and Alex felt something wet and warm dripping onto his belly. He looked up in confusion to see Sebastian leaning over him, mouth open, come and spit dripping onto Alex’s skin. He hadn’t swallowed, he’d- Fucking hell.

Then, when Alex thought he should say something, Sebastian stared down at Alex’s torso, the come, all of it, and placed his hand in it and smeared it across Alex’s skin.

It was filthy, it felt like a weird ownership. That, more than anything else, made Alex feel boneless, his arms shook where he was propping himself up.

‘Uh,’ he managed, feeling stupid.

‘You’re going to need a shower,’ Sebastian said, looking pleased with himself. ‘And I should…ah, mark myself as AFK in the dev Slack chat. I think it’s time we had a proper talk, don’t you?’

Alex stared. Sebastian’s expression shifted, his smile seemed helpless. He crawled up Alex’s body easily, making such focused eye contact it was hard to think.

‘You gonna run away today?’ Sebastian said. ‘Don’t worry. I won’t let you.’

‘That’s… That’s what you think.’

Alex was saying it because he felt like he should say something, but he couldn’t think at all. He kept staring at Sebastian, and then suddenly realised the positions they were both in, what had just happened. He turned away, cheeks flaming.

‘Here,’ Sebastian said, grasping Alex’s hair, turning his head back. ‘Taste it. You already know what mine’s like.’

He sealed his mouth to Alex’s, pushed his tongue inside, and followed Alex down when he slumped tiredly back to the carpet.

It tasted the same as his, just about. Maybe a bit saltier. And when Sebastian pulled back, breathing hard, Alex felt spit and come drying stickily on his stomach and really wanted that shower.

‘You…said we shouldn’t do this again,’ Alex said.

‘I know.’

‘So…’

‘That’s why we have to talk,’ Sebastian said. ‘Go on, clean up, I’ll leave some clothes out for you.’

‘I forgot the tracksuit pants you gave me last time.’

‘Yeah, I’ve got more,’ Sebastian said against Alex’s mouth.

‘I’m so fucking out of it,’ Alex said, voice faintly plaintive. God, he really couldn’t concentrate.

Sebastian hesitated, then looked at him more closely, but Alex had no idea what he was seeing. He just hoped Sebastian didn’t hate it. He couldn’t handle it, if Sebastian told him this was definitely over, because he felt like a huge door had been thrown open, and he didn’t know if he could survive it being slammed shut.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "You Are the Sunlight":

"‘You’re the worst,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s not bad. I swore because it’s just- It’s what I like. That’s my catnip, or whatever you want to call it. And it’s sometimes really hard to find. Just- I don’t… I feel like I’ve wandered into some alternate dimension where the guy who used to hate on me in school is gay, and then he’s not just gay, he’s somehow into me, and then he’s not just gay and into me, he also just happens to – so far – seem really compatible with the stuff I like doing. Because I’m not- I like being in control, I like pushing people, and I…’

Sebastian sighed.

‘I literally pushed you against a wall and basically did what I wanted to you,’ Sebastian said.

‘I was the one who got on my knees,’ Alex said. ‘You didn’t push me there.’

‘Yeah- I know that, but-’

‘So…you feel bad because you like to be in control?’

‘Most of the time, no! I feel bad because I used to bully the fuck out of you, Alex, and I don’t know what to do.’"

*

Actual talking! God knows they need it. (Yoba, too). I have it on fairly good authority that the next Stardew Valley update should be dropping after the 26th of Feb (hopefully not too long after, but ideally within the next couple of weeks). (My 'fairly good authority' is the big SDV modding Discord do with that what you will).

I'm on Tumblr! Also known as the tiny blue hellsite.

Chapter 33: You Are the Sunlight

Notes:

Note: Sebastian is kinky, but he doesn’t really know about the BDSM community at all. He doesn’t know about safewords, subspace, subdrop or anything like that. So observe someone who knows nothing about kink vocabulary trying to describe it to someone who feels uncomfortable talking about the subject in the first place!

Also thanks so much to everyone who's commenting and leaving kudos! Y'all are making this so much fun, I never expected this fic to do numbers or anything like that, and just wanted to write some old-fashioned bullies-to-lovers with hot semi-dubcon sex so like saddslfkfsda y'know

Alex tipped his head back to let the water stream over it in the shower, even though it was too hot for his face. His jaw fucking ached. His tongue felt weirdly raw. Everything in his head was messy, he didn’t know how he was supposed to talk about anything with Sebastian. At times like this, it felt like he forgot how to talk in general.

So, he’d just blown Sebastian, Sebastian had blown him in response. And he’d seemed really into it. That hadn’t been Alex’s imagination. Even if Alex used the excuse that Sebastian just needed someone to have sex with, he’d still chosen Alex.

What the fuck was happening?

He finished up in the shower and dressed. He went into the kitchen, and Sebastian called to him from the lounge.

Alex walked in, staring at Sebastian’s computer monitor as he passed it, as well as his giant fuck-off sword on the wall.

He sat on the couch and wanted to draw his legs up onto it because it was so plush and comfortable, but he didn’t know if it was allowed, even if Sebastian was doing it too.

‘You tired?’ Sebastian asked.

‘Yeah, a bit,’ Alex said.

Mentally, he was fucked, physically, he felt like he could go home and do a workout or something. He wasn’t that tired at all, but Sebastian looked kind of wiped. He had dark smudges under his eyes that Alex hadn’t noticed earlier, but his gaze was bright, it glittered with attention.

'You tired?’ Alex said.

‘Current job has a shitty boss,’ Sebastian said.

‘I kind of overheard you before. Like, he’s trying to underpay you?’

‘I’m getting paid well, but he pulled some bullshit, and I’m demanding more money because of it. There’s a kind of entrepreneur boss that wants the best and pays well for it initially, but then becomes really unreasonable towards the end of a contract, right when they want to sign you up for another. It’s like professional negging. They make you feel bad about the work you’ve done – even though you’ve more than fulfilled the brief – so they can keep you on for much less and treat it like a “second chance.” I think he doesn’t know that I’m wise to the technique – or maybe he’s always gotten away with it – and I’ve been able to share the coding with other professionals in the industry who all agree it’s rock solid.

‘The fact that he’s grudgingly agreed to pay 10k more than my original quote means he knows how good I am, and he’s just a dick. Can’t wait to be done with this. He’s the kind of boss who’ll try to find a way to get out of paying the full amount after the next contract’s completed. I’ve already contacted a lawyer who can go over the contract and make sure it’s tight.’

‘Seems complicated,’ Alex said.

‘It’s annoying,’ Sebastian said. ‘I should’ve gone with my gut, but I like coding for exciting ventures and unfortunately this guy has good ideas, just a shitty moral backbone.’ Sebastian paused, sighed, then tilted his head. ‘Okay, let’s talk about something different now. I know you hate it.’

‘I fuckin’ hate it,’ Alex said, looking towards the blank television screen.

‘Nothing bad’s going to happen.’

You could tell me you don’t want to do this again. That you’re over it. That it’s gross to be with me, but whatever, I guess.

The shit Alex could never imagine saying out loud.

‘Uh, so…’ Sebastian scratched at the back of his head. ‘Um, can I ask you a few questions? I feel like that’s better than waiting for you to talk about literally anything.’

‘Yeah, shoot.’

‘You never fully confirmed it, but just to double-check, I’m like…your first in everything, right? Like…kissing, blowjobs, all of it?’

Alex nodded, wondering if that was a bad thing.

‘So did you never… You didn’t experiment with girls? At all, right?’

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘There was no one really, and Haley’s always been a friend, so it would’ve been wrong to do that with her. Or not wrong, but like…it just wasn’t like that between us. What we had – have, I guess – is a good front, because other people leave us alone, and then we don’t get bothered.’

‘Oh,’ Sebastian said. ‘So Haley also…? Never mind. That’s none of my business. And you don’t really watch porn or anything?’

‘I don’t even know why that’s something you’d bring up.’

‘It’s pretty normal for people to look at stuff like that.’

Alex pressed his lips together. A lot of this came down to being into Sebastian, and then finding all of that so fucking confusing he tried not to think about it.

‘I guess I hoped it would go away,’ Alex said finally. ‘I didn’t want to do anything that would make it worse.’

‘Your…parents. Were they against that kind of stuff?’

‘Liking guys?’ Alex said. Sebastian nodded and looked so serious, and Alex grimaced. ‘I mean- I mean, Mom probably not so much, but I don’t know. Maybe. Dad would’ve beaten me to death.’ Alex laughed under his breath and looked down. ‘But he wanted to do that anyway.’

He swallowed, his heart was beating hard. Sebastian was quiet for a time.

‘Alex,’ he said, ‘the stuff I used to say to you. The stuff about your mom, your dad, everything in high school-’

‘It’s fine,’ Alex said.

‘It’s not though.’

Alex’s hands clenched into fists. ‘I don’t want you to just- I don’t want to just… fuck.’

‘You don’t want me to what?’

‘You’re gonna apologise, and I’m supposed to say it’s fine, and then we pretend like it’s fixed. But I’m too fucking- And honestly you weren’t even my biggest problem in high school, for real, there was a lot of shit going on and you were just part of it.’

‘Okay, yeah. You don’t have to say it’s fine.’

‘That’s what happens with an apology,’ Alex said.

‘No,’ Sebastian said slowly, like he was trying to figure something out. ‘If it’s not fine, it’s not fine. I don’t want you to pretend something is fixed when it’s not. I want to tell you I’m sorry, and I want to ask if there’s anything I can do to help, but that’s… I mean I don’t have to do that now. If you don’t want me to.’

‘Then don’t.’

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, sighing.

‘And I was a cunt too,’ Alex added. ‘Like, to you.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, smiling in a way that made him look really hot. Alex wanted to roll his eyes at himself because fucking hell. ‘I don’t think it was the same. It’s not like any of your friends are bullying me or trash-talking me. Fucking Abigail, I was so angry at her, and then I realised you were right, she was just repeating shit I said.’

‘Nah, her immaturity is really annoying.’

‘Sure.’

‘Sam came over and apologised,’ Alex said. ‘That was a surprise. Didn’t even know he could talk about anything serious.’

Sebastian laughed. ‘He didn’t apologise for Abigail, did he?’

‘He apologised for not saying anything at the time and just standing there. Honestly, I didn’t mind. I was never angry at him. And he got Abigail out of there so like, he didn’t do nothing, did he? But he was like- He’s kind of grown up, hasn’t he?’

‘He’s grown up a ton. Managing the band, hiring on contractors because I couldn’t keep playing keyboard for him and Abigail doesn’t like touring, he’s learned how to be in the world. When I came back to the Valley I was surprised because I thought Abigail would be the one to grow up the most and we’d all kind of leave Sam behind. But he surprised me. He’s pretty grounded. I know he wants to make more money so he can support Jodi and Kent.’

‘Shit,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah. So. I’ve been thinking about what happened last time pretty much all the time, which is so… Anyway. I think it’s going to be hard to- And I don’t want to lose you as my cleaner. You like what we do together, don’t you? And like, please just be honest, because this isn’t the kind of thing where it’s good to say what I want to hear.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Also I don’t like saying what you want to hear. I spent most of my life doing the opposite of that.’

‘Right, because I was awful to you, Alex,’ Sebastian said, like he was explaining basic maths to someone who should already know it. ‘But I think your actual personality beneath that, or at least the one that isn’t really snarky, is someone who doesn’t want to rock the boat under any circumstances. And given everything, that makes sense. Just… you like what we’re doing, right?’

‘Uh, yeah,’ Alex said, clearing his throat. ‘I do.’

‘Same.’

It felt good, hearing that. It felt really good. He’d be happy hearing that every day forever. But Alex knew Sebastian could still make pretty devastating decisions no matter what.

‘I also get the sense that you’re maybe into someone else taking the lead,’ Sebastian said, fingers playing with the edges of a cushion. ‘Like, I could be reading into that because that’s the way I like playing in the bedroom, but…is that-? Do you think that’s accurate? Or do you think it’s just that you don’t have much experience yet, so you don’t know?’

Alex took a huge breath and stared all around the room now. He knew he had to try being honest, but it wasn’t how he’d lived his life. He felt like he was being raked over the Luau coals where they made that big pot of soup, and he could tell Sebastian was trying to be careful about everything he probably found easy to talk about with everyone else.

‘I think…I like not being in charge,’ Alex said finally, each word pulled from his gut because he wanted to keep them all secret. ‘But then I worry you’re doing everything and I’m just fucking up.’

‘So you were a bit more forward today.’

‘I guess.’

‘But you still let me be in control,’ Sebastian said. ‘Like, you didn’t control the pace of that blowjob, I did. You didn’t control the pace of the one I gave to you, I controlled that.’

Alex’s breaths were turning uneven. He was low-key turned on again.

‘That’s- Yeah, like, I admit I don’t know anything at all about this stuff, but I don’t want to be the one- I prefer it when you’re doing stuff like that.’

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said.

‘Unless that’s bad.’

‘Don’t change your fucking answer just because you think I might not like something,’ Sebastian said. ‘That doesn’t help anyone.’

‘Might fucking help me,’ Alex muttered.

‘You’re the worst,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s not bad. I swore because it’s just- It’s what I like. That’s my catnip, or whatever you want to call it. And it’s sometimes really hard to find. Just- I don’t… I feel like I’ve wandered into some alternate dimension where the guy who used to hate on me in school is gay, and then he’s not just gay, he’s somehow into me, and then he’s not just gay and into me, he also just happens to – so far – seem really compatible with the stuff I like doing. Because I’m not- I like being in control, I like pushing people, and I…’

Sebastian sighed.

‘I literally pushed you against a wall and basically did what I wanted to you,’ Sebastian said.

‘I was the one who got on my knees,’ Alex said. ‘You didn’t push me there.’

‘Yeah- I know that, but-’

‘So…you feel bad because you like to be in control?’

‘Most of the time, no! I feel bad because I used to bully the fuck out of you, Alex, and I don’t know what to do.’

Sebastian’s voice had risen in volume, and Alex tensed in spite of himself, but Sebastian just looked pained, and he didn’t get up and he didn’t say anything else or yell more and Alex’s breathing went back to something almost normal. Almost. The whole conversation was so fucking tense.

‘Do you think you’re bullying me now?’ Alex said, frowning, eyebrows furrowing. ‘Are you serious?’

‘I feel like you’re easy to push around,’ Sebastian said. ‘No. I feel like- I feel like you’d let me. I don’t like that. If I’m the kind of person to push someone in the bedroom, I can’t… I couldn’t live with myself if I just- Yoba’s tits, Alex, that thing I said before, that you don’t talk… Like, you’re such a hidden person to me. I sometimes feel like I can’t read you well. I can’t always trust that you’re going to be honest with me about stuff.’

‘I’m more honest with you than most people,’ Alex said. ‘Maybe there’s not that much going on beneath the surface.’

Sebastian’s eyes were angry. ‘You’re doing that thing again. You’re making it seem like you’re too stupid to have more thoughts, and I know for a fact that you have a lot more happening than you’re saying. You’re not stupid.’

Alex frowned, annoyed. Most people went along with it when he started talking that way.

‘I’m still more honest with you than most,’ Alex said. ‘You think I’m doing this shit with anyone else?’

‘No, well- Okay, that’s true.’

‘I’m not good at talking,’ Alex said. ‘It’s not my nature to just say shit. And you’ve been to therapy, or whatever, but I’m not like you, man. I’m not saying I can’t talk about stuff, I’m just… It stresses me out. You’re acting like I’m some marshmallow or something, and maybe sometimes I’m- Whatever. But you have no idea how close I was to quitting cleaning your house the night Abigail said all that shit to me.’

Sebastian’s eyes widened, he looked scared, like it hadn’t occurred to him that was on the cards. Or no, he looked… he looked upset.

‘You can quit,’ Sebastian said, ‘if you’re really upset being here.’

‘Did I seem really upset today?’ Alex said, losing his patience. ‘Did I seem really fucking upset about it? I was mad as fuck in the past because Abigail’s just been staring at me, waiting for a chance to say all that shit she said, because she’s what – jealous I’m spending time with you? Like fuck that. And fuck her. And then you come along and don’t even remember what you used to say – and it was way more, way fucking more than what Abigail said that night – and I was just so done. Like, what, you’re going to apologise for the shit you don’t remember too? I know you’ve changed, Sebastian, or I wouldn’t be cleaning your fucking…mountaintop mansion, would I? I’d be saying all the shit I used to say back to you to try and hold some fucking ground while you kicked me off every cliff in sight.’

Sebastian stared. Alex’s ears were ringing. He ducked his head, stared down at his pants, and felt sick.

‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Shit. Sorry.’

More silence. Then: ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I want to hear that stuff. That’s the stuff I want to hear.’

‘Sorry, though. I lost it. I shouldn’t have-’

‘-You just said how you felt about something on a couch,’ Sebastian said, his voice firmer than before. ‘That’s all. You didn’t do anything else except that. You felt some emotions, and you talked about it.’

‘I don’t like yelling.’

‘You didn’t yell. You just said some things pretty emphatically.’

‘Fuck you,’ Alex muttered. It’d felt like yelling.

‘I’m serious, that’s… That’s what I want. Okay? And you’re right. You’re right. You didn’t seem really upset today. But sometimes you make yourself do stuff when you’re upset. You would’ve cleaned that room.’

‘I’m not a coward.’

‘It’s not cowardly to- Yeah, okay, I’m not going to tackle that today. I don’t think you’re a coward. I just don’t want you feeling like shit when you’re here. Okay, back to…everything. I like being in control, and you like that so far. You might change your mind later, but so far we seem pretty compatible, right? That’s not my imagination?’

It’s so not your fucking imagination. Alex was pretty surprised by it too. He had no idea what Sebastian would be like in the bedroom, and honestly it was kind of terrifying, but he also craved more of everything they’d done, and more of everything they hadn’t if it was going to be like what had already happened.

‘It’s not,’ Alex said.

‘But I don’t want a big, committed relationship with anyone,’ Sebastian said, like someone who really felt that way. ‘And I’m your boss.’

‘So don’t fuck me when I’m on a shift.’

Alex’s eyes widened when he realised what he’d said, and Sebastian was looking at him like he’d never seen him before, all over again.

‘Ah, shit,’ Alex said, staring down at his pants again, his ears flaming. ‘Shit.’

‘Wow,’ Sebastian said.

‘Shut up,’ Alex said, a faintly hysterical laugh bubbling out of his chest. ‘Just shut up. You keep asking for honesty. I don’t know why I said that. I never say shit like that.’

‘Wow, though. Have you thought about that too? You literally said-’

‘You have no idea how fast I’m erasing this whole conversation from my head like right now,’ Alex said.

‘Don’t, though, because I can always fuck you when you’re not on a shift.’

Alex bit his top lip and shook his head and stared down at his quad muscle Sebastian had grabbed before.

Oh shit.

‘You might not like it, anal’s not for everyone.’

‘Gross.’

‘If you think it’s gross, we don’t have to-’

‘Just shut up for a second,’ Alex choked out. ‘I just- the “gross” thing was just… I didn’t mean it. I don’t think I did. I can’t believe we’re actually talking about this. This is insane.’

‘I know,’ Sebastian said, laughing softly. Alex looked at him, and Sebastian’s cheeks were reddish, and he looked flustered too, and Alex wanted to grab his face and stare at him for like an hour.

‘You keep acting like I’ll want this big, committed relationship,’ Alex said, ‘but that’s terrifying to me. I mean- I just…like what we’re doing, I guess. Can’t we just stop when it gets bad?’

‘People tend to develop feelings when they start having sex with each other,’ Sebastian said delicately, carefully. ‘Even people who don’t like to talk about those feelings.’

Alex stared at him for a long time, and realised he pitied Sebastian. He was relieved Sebastian seemed to have no idea just how many feelings Alex already had for him. Sebastian was trying to avoid Alex being fucked up by something he’d already been stuck with since he was a teenager. Hilarious.

‘What?’ Sebastian said, frowning.

‘Just…yeah, okay,’ Alex said softly. ‘People can develop feelings. So what? The world doesn’t end, does it? If you need things to stop, they stop. And same if I…feel like that, right? That’s how you seem to see it, and that’s better than the outcomes I’d imagine. I wouldn’t want to do this shit with someone I didn’t have any feelings for. Like I’m not out there sleeping with complete strangers.’

‘God, I am,’ Sebastian said, laughing darkly. His expression turned faintly troubled and then he looked at Alex. ‘I haven’t done that for a while, though.’

‘Sure. Keep telling me what a slut you are.’

Sebastian stared at him, looked offended for five seconds, then crawled across the couch again and bracketed Alex in with his arms on either side. Alex’s heart rate sped up again, and he felt trapped, and he wanted the drowning sensation that came with it. All his life had been stupid decisions, but god, he wanted this one so badly.

‘Don’t slut-shame me, Alex.’

‘There’s a word for it?’ Alex said. ‘Okay. Then don’t virgin-shame me.’

‘I fucking haven’t.’

‘I mean if you think that’s a good idea eventually-’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, bending down and pressing his lips to his. The kiss was slow, and Alex’s knees bent, and he made some stupid whimpering noise when Sebastian’s hands cupped both sides of his face. Sebastian kissed like he loved doing it, and Alex only ever felt like he was just keeping up, even when Sebastian was taking his time.

Alex was breathing heavily – his dick half-hard again – when Sebastian stopped. His hands stayed on Alex’s cheeks, he looked at him, searching his face, before his fingers gentled and stroked his skin.

Alex closed his eyes.

‘I don’t want to be nice to you,’ Sebastian said, the words sounding reluctant. ‘Not all the time. Me being in control… It’s not- This is hard to talk about with someone who literally doesn’t know anything about this stuff.’

‘Dude,’ Alex said, keeping his eyes closed, ‘you literally made my gag reflex go off, and then made it clear you liked that so much you were going to keep doing it. Whatever you like doing, I think I’m getting an idea. You’re a freak in the bedroom. Just say that.’

‘Fuck you, man, I’m trying my best here.’

‘You talk a really big game for someone who’s holding my face like some movie romance hero.’

Sebastian laughed and didn’t stop holding his face. When Alex opened his eyes, Sebastian kissed him again, a quick, sweet motion that made Alex melt inside.

He didn’t know it could be like this with guys, with anyone. There’d been so much stuff he hadn’t imagined that he wanted to imagine now. For a hot second, he contemplated asking Sebastian if it was okay to jerk off while thinking about him, but no, he wasn’t ready for that yet. Maybe not ever.

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, smiling, ‘I’m a freak in the bedroom.’

‘Yeah but like, what does that even mean?’

‘I’m trying to tell you!’ Sebastian exclaimed, before laughing again.

‘Yeah, sorry, I’m being a shit.’

Sebastian nodded like he knew, and Alex wanted to fist this whole feeling up and stuff it down his mouth and into his chest where it couldn’t escape him ever again.

That was the problem, really. This moment, it was a tiny sliver of reality, but it wasn’t the whole. He knew Sebastian was trying to get them to consider the big picture, but Alex understood it already. They’d fool around, Sebastian would realise he could have whoever he wanted, and Alex would be out of the picture to lick his wounds, but at least he’d have a new job as a cleaner out of it, and he could maybe get everything out of his system, or maybe he wouldn’t, and he’d just deal with it.

Alex wasn’t really good at living in the moment, but he was so hungry for what Sebastian put on the table that he believed all the future pain was worth it.

Sebastian kissed him again, and Alex grabbed his shoulder, held on, liked squeezing the muscle he felt there, and wondered if all of this meant he was a freak in the bedroom too.

He didn’t care as much as he thought he should.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "You Lift that Burden Off Of Me"

"'Yeah, so, fuck actually a lot's happened. Anyway, like, Sebastian kind of gave me a handjob last Saturday. And then - hang on, hang on - yesterday we kind of gave each other blow jobs.'

Haley's blue-eyed stare was so intense that Alex had to look away.

'You didn't tell me immediately because why?' she said, almost sharp. And then she shook her head like she was annoyed at herself. 'Never mind. It's not like you owe me that or anything, but holy crap, Alex! Holy crap! What was it like? I mean obviously not that bad because- Oh my god. So... Oh my god.'

'Yeah,' Alex said, laughing weakly. 'That about sums it up.'

'It so doesn't though. If you think that's all you're telling me. I mean it's totally up to you but also please tell me more, Alex. Come on. I've been dying for you to like someone for years now and this is... And blowjobs? Did you swallow? Gross. Don't tell me.'

'I did,' Alex said."

*

It's time for Haley to learn about what's been happening! Also if you want excerpts for future chapters, feel free to check out my Tumblr, where I'm bobbing around like a piece of shipwreck in a vast, unforgiving ocean, and would appreciate some like...floaties or something.

Chapter 34: You Lift That Burden Off Of Me

Notes:

Haley is a great BFF, and I think sometimes she just wants to shake all the nonsense out of Alex but then she'd be worried that there'd be nothing left of him, just a tissue paper thin facsimile of a guy

'Uh, so, um, I have some shit to tell you,' Alex said, clearing his throat about three times while he sat on Haley's froufrou princessy four-poster bed that she bought with her "nail money.” He wanted to run his hands all over the fabric because it was smooth as fuck. 

'So tell me,' Haley said, sorting through nail polishes. 

She'd invited him over for snacks, which mostly meant eating whatever was in the fridge - usually whatever didn’t sell at the Stardrop Saloon that Emily brought home - while Alex followed Haley from room to room as she did whatever she wanted. It was evening - early-ish for Alex - and Emily was working at the bar, so they had the house to themselves. Alex kept imagining how Sebastian's lips felt on his, how his mouth tasted, how easily they'd both kind of said anal could happen while Alex wasn't on a shift. Like that was actually fucking easy and not something Alex was high-key panicking about. 

Theoretically knowing he was a bottom wasn't the same as doing something about it. 

He felt like he was violating Haley's room, just thinking about the blowjob he'd given Sebastian while Haley looked through what seemed like seven identical black nail polish bottles. 

'You going to tell me or what?' Haley said. 

'Hang on, give a guy a second to get his thoughts in order,' Alex said. 'You know me, it takes forever.'

Haley gave him a look. Alex bit his top lip. 

'Yeah, so, fuck actually a lot's happened. Anyway, like, Sebastian kind of gave me a handjob last Saturday. And then - hang on, hang on - yesterday we kind of gave each other blow jobs.' 

Haley's blue-eyed stare was so intense that Alex had to look away. 

'You didn't tell me immediately because why?' she said sharply. Then she shook her head like she was annoyed at herself. 'Never mind. It's not like you owe me that or anything, but holy crap, Alex! Holy crap! What was it like? I mean obviously not that bad because- Oh my god. So... Oh my god.'

'Yeah,' Alex said, laughing weakly. 'That about sums it up.'

'It so doesn't though. If you think that's all you're telling me… I mean it's totally up to you but also please tell me more, Alex. Come on. I've been dying for you to like someone for years and this is... And blowjobs? Did you swallow? Gross. Don't tell me.'

'I did,' Alex said.

Haley looked like she wanted to bounce in her chair, and a few seconds later she did, forgetting about the nail polishes and turning to face him. 'Should I be happy for you?' she said. 'I'm so happy for you! What was it like? If it was terrible, I'll slide into "less happy and more concerned" mode, how does that sound?'

'It was amazing.'

Haley made a sound so high that Alex winced to imagine his own throat making it. 

'So...' Haley said, with the universal "go on" hand gesture. 

Alex sighed explosively, rubbed his damp palms on his thighs, and started talking about the handjob. But instead he ended up backtracking and talking about the night when Abigail had said all that shit to him to preface everything - Haley wanted to know why there was suddenly a room he couldn't clean in Sebastian's house - and she went from excited to furious so fast. It was alarming, but also nice, maybe. Haley was someone who'd had his back since forever. One of the reasons he stopped telling her about all the high school drama in the past was she began to get so angry for him, and he didn't want her to feel that way at school if he could help it. 

'That bitch,' Haley spat, then looked pained. 'Like... I don't even know what to say. That's just really cruel, Alex. She said so many cruel things. And the fact that Sebastian said them all to you first? What did he have to say about it?' 

'I kind of escaped. I needed to leave. He keeps wanting to talk about it, and apologise, and I keep not letting him. I mean he has apologised, but I think he wants to apologise more.' 

'Why aren't you letting him?' Haley said quietly.

'I don't want to think about it,' Alex said, shifting back on Haley's bed and staring up at the bright pink gauzy fabric. It was completely transparent. Haley said it made her feel like she was floating on pink clouds when she drew the fabric closed around her. That sounded cool. 

'So, don't hate me or anything, babe, but don't you think you should? I mean you're having your first ever sexual experiences with this guy, and he wants to talk to you, and like…are you just constantly shutting him down?'

'Yeah,' Alex said. He rubbed at his face awkwardly. 'Yeah, that's what I'm doing. All the other stuff we've been doing is the greatest distraction.'

Haley nodded, she didn't look like she was judging him, but she seemed kind of down about it. 

'I don't really get why it matters,' Alex said. 'All that shit happened in the past. It's all done. Now there's new stuff.'

'It's not done,' Haley said. 'Abigail's literally still hurting you with it, and badly enough there's a room you couldn't clean.'

'I totally could have cleaned that room. Sebastian didn't let me.'

'Babe,' Haley said, leaning back into her chair. 'Come on.'

Alex shrugged. Haley sighed.

'It's still- None of it's done with or finished if Sebastian's kicking Abigail out of his house over it, or if Sam's coming over to apologise. Which like, wild, by the way. Didn't know Sam had it in him. Maybe I should visit him more.'

'What, Sam?' Alex said in surprise. 

'I mean...he literally lives next door. He's seemed a lot nicer and calmer over the past few years, but I also grew up with that little ratbag and I remember all the dicks he drew on my pastel pink pencil case when we were ten, some shit dies really hard. Alex, listen to me, I've had a thing against Sam for ages over petty, normal immaturity shit. What you have with Sebastian, that's serious on a lot of levels. I get that the...physical stuff feels nice, but Sebastian might want to talk to you because this is hard for him too.'

'I don't care how fucking hard it is for him,' Alex said, then stilled. He felt strange, it wasn’t really like him to say something like that. Not since he was a teen anyway.  

'Alex...'

'I don't really- That was harsh. I don't really feel that way.' 

'I mean, you're allowed. There's no police coming to hurt you for it.' 

'It just feels like it has nothing to do with me,' Alex said. 'I know you're going to say it does because I was there, but I don't know what I have to say about it. Half the time I don't even know what I think about it!' 

'You never let yourself think about it,' Haley said. 'Or maybe you do, and you just don't tell anyone. Which means maybe what you're thinking is the kind of stuff you think you shouldn't tell others. I don't know, Alex. If I went through some of the stuff you did- If I knew Abigail, or any of them were saying that exact shit to you when we were younger, I'd be in jail, babe. Or maybe not jail, but like, permanent juvenile detention or something. Prison for crimes against the trio.'

Alex smiled and Haley returned it. She picked up a bottle of teal nail polish that was really pretty and turned it in her fingers. Alex had wanted to talk about the whole sex thing, and he thought that would mostly be Haley angry at him that he hadn't told her yet. Not... Not this. 

'Make sure he uses lube,' Haley said abruptly. 

'Huh?' 

'With like- If you go all the way, or whatever. Make sure he uses lube for that...area. Because it's not like, you know... You're not going to get wet down there.'

'Oh my god. I cannot live in a world where you give me sex tips,' Alex said, placing his hands over his face. 'Don't do it, Haley.'

'I'm in like my mid-20s and even I use lube sometimes,' Haley said blandly. 'But you're not going to get wet at all. I know Sebastian's experienced but...I don't know, some of this stuff you should know. Maybe look it up?'

Alex tipped back on the bed. Her words rattled in his brain. Sebastian probably knew all about lubricant. But the idea of that being anywhere near his ass. And, fuck, what if that whole area was too hairy for Sebastian, or whatever? It wasn't like he waxed or shaved down there, and while he might not have a ton of hair on his chest or whatever, what if Sebastian found it disgusting? Or, no, he was into guys, so maybe- But what if he expected... What if all gay guys just naturally knew to like deal with that whole...area? Oh god, what if Sebastian looked and then was so disgusted he never wanted to see Alex again? 

Shit. Shit, he hadn't been thinking about the fucking logistics and now that he was, he was fucking terrified. 

'Alex,' Haley said, 'do you actually think about anything at all before you do it?'

'Shut up,' Alex mumbled into his hands. 

'It's just...you're giving pretty hardcore virgin vibes right now.'

'Shut up, you're the worst.'

Haley giggled and came over to the bed, sitting next to him. She tipped backwards so they were lying down together, their legs hanging off the edge, and Alex wanted to ask her if the position was as uncomfortable for her as it was for him. 

'Also you're a virgin too,' Alex said. He removed his hands from his face and looked at her. 'You are right? You didn't secretly go off and get nailed or whatever, right?'

'You're such a guy sometimes,' Haley said, sighing. 'Such a bro. No, I didn't get "nailed." That's- Why do you have to say it like that? No one's going to take your dude card away if you just call it sex. But I look stuff up, and I love orgasms.' 

'Yeah,' Alex sighed, staring at the ceiling. 'So we're talking about this kind of shit now, huh? You and me?'

'Listen, when you trust someone, sometimes you do. It's normal for some people to talk about this stuff. It's normal to have a friend to talk to about it. You were the one who came out of the gate talking about handjobs and blowjobs and stuff. I think a part of you wants to be able to talk about it. I'm just saying...that's a part of my life too - not your sex life, but my sex life. Just because I haven't shared my body with someone else yet, doesn't mean I don't have one.'

'I mean... I don't really have one,' Alex said. 'Before Sebastian that is. I can't- I want to think about... I wanted to think about Sebastian, and that just felt wrong, so nothing's been happening for a while.'

Haley pushed up onto one elbow and turned towards him. 'Say that again?' 

'You heard me,' he said. 'It's just a violation to think about him like that, right?'

'Alex...you...' Haley sounded upset. Actually, she sounded really upset. He stared at her as she got on the bed properly and sat cross-legged, staring at him. 

'So, you don't have to look at me like that.'

'Are you telling me you just won't jerk off on your own or whatever, because you want to think about real people while you do it?  This like, totally normal thing?'

'I mean they didn't consent! And I'm not going to ask them if-'

'-Alex!' Haley said, like she was actually angry, and he flinched without meaning to. She winced, twirled hair around a finger, then groaned in the back of her throat. 'Alex, there's no- No one is- Babe, that's not a thing. It's your own thoughts, your own head, there's no violation. None. It's just like...a fantasy. You know that, right? You can think about anyone you want. Shit, if you want to – don't tell me if you do – you can think about me. There's no rules or laws or- There's- It doesn't hurt anyone. It's fantasy. Have you been not letting yourself get off or anything because of this? Really? For how long?' 

Alex just stared at her. What she was saying made everything sound way too easy. 

'What if I did think about you though,' Alex said abruptly. 'You'd hate that.'

'I wouldn't know!' Haley exclaimed. 'I wouldn't know about it, it's literally a victimless- It's not even a crime. It's just shit that happens in your head! We all have shit that happens in our head. And I don't know that I'd hate it, unless you were deliberately creepy about it or something, and even that's not about you jacking off to me, that's about you being creepy about something, which is a real behaviour that can actually be impactful to others. Where did you get the idea that this was a thing? This is... this is why you need to talk to people.'

Alex was trying to process everything Haley was saying. It wasn't like she was the arbiter of what was good or bad or anything, but he really trusted her. He knew better than anyone that some of the stuff he thought was maybe not entirely correct. He only had his dad and his mom to go off, and stuff he'd picked up from Haley and Willie and well, Sebastian now. And Dr Harvey. 

'I thought I'd make it worse,' Alex said finally, 'with how I felt about Sebastian. I just stopped.'

'Yoba's ass, Alex, that's... Fuck. Okay. Well...okay. It's so not a violation though. That's- Is that how you think about it all? That what you think is reality?'

'I mean I know it's not real, I just don't want to...hurt anyone.'

'Babe, you're killing me here. You gotta- You gotta think about this stuff some more. Maybe tell Sebastian, not that you want to think about him specifically, but I bet he's thinking about people sometimes and doesn’t give a single shit when he gets off. That's what most of us do. Sometimes we might think something like, "Hm, maybe I like that person or situation more than I thought" and sometimes it's literally like, "No, I know I don't ever want to be in a foursome in real life that's way too much effort. It's just nice to think about."' 

Alex lifted his eyebrows, and she lifted them back.

'Don't you be throwing stones now,' she warned him. 'We're both in a really fragile glass house together. I'm allowed to think about what I like.'

'A foursome, huh?' 

'I mean I lowered the number for your virginal sensibilit- Hey!' she laughed when he threw a pillow at her. 

'Don't virgin-shame me,' Alex said, laughing, thinking about how Sebastian had talked about not being slut-shamed. 'What'd you say about glass houses, huh?' 

She laughed and reached for one of her pretty pink and crimson throw cushions and smacked his stomach a couple of times, while he laughed like a dope and tried to – not very hard – grab the pillow off her. 

'Listen, we can't all be fantasising about one hundred dicks or whatever,' Alex said breathlessly, and Haley laughed again. 

'Yoba, one hundred! I'd die. Okay, okay, anyway, before we get fully sidetracked, what happened with the handjob and stuff? Like how'd that even...happen?' 

Alex shared more about it as they laid down side-by-side on the bed together, and Haley pushed up again when she listened to Alex talk about Sebastian saying things between them shouldn't happen again. When he got to the blowjob that was literally only four days later, she held up a hand.

'Hold up.'

'Holding for Haley,' Alex said, in a fake phone operator voice. 

'Don't be cute. Um, am I getting this right? He told you nothing can ever happen again, and then lasted like... what, a whole cleaning shift and basically just came at you again?'

'Yeah.'

'That doesn't bother you?'

'I mean it’s confusing,' Alex admitted. Haley nodded slowly, as if to say: It really fucking is. Alex shrugged. 'I think this is hard for him, Hales. Like, firstly it's me. That's probably complicated for him. But also like...Martingale divorced him, and he never saw it coming. This thing that's meant to be impossible, and is impossible without magic, and it happened to him. That's gotta really impact a guy. I don't know, it never felt like he was trying to hurt me when he said it couldn't happen again. Like, trust me, I know when he's trying to hurt me.'

'You're allowed to expect better from him though,' Haley said. 'You can tell him that. I mean maybe he can't do better. But if someone hurts you even when they don't mean to, you can say that it hurt you and that you didn’t like it.'

'I'm not smart enough for this.'

'I'm not even going to indulge that. It's nice of you to think about how the situation with Martingale impacted him, but you can just like...ask if that's the reason. You can ask him if he's got massive commitment issues because of the divorce. It wouldn't surprise me if he does, but you're allowed to know for sure instead of guessing all the time.' 

'He might just say that it's me specifically. And it probably is, so why bother?' 

'Babe, he's fully into you,' Haley said, smiling. 'Sebastian has the kind of- like he can pull a lot of different guys if he wants to, and he fucking knows it. He's making a choice, he's making it more than once.'

'Maybe it just feels good to top your old high-school bully, you know?'

Haley picked up the throw cushion by her side and screamed into it, pressing it to her face. When she dropped the pillow she looked tired, and Alex sat up, frustrated at himself. He'd talked too much. This was the problem with talking. 

'Sorry,' he said. 'We can change the subject.'

'Stop doing that,' she said. 'If I need to change the subject, I'll change it. If you need to change the subject because you want to, you can change it. I'm a grown-ass adult, Alex, I'm allowed to be upset on your behalf.'

'But...' 

'I'm allowed,' she said, staring at him hard. 'Okay? What if I told you that you could never be upset on my behalf ever again, and I was going to just never tell you dick if I thought it might make you upset? Like, I'm just going to make that decision for you?'

'I... Well, but that's different, it's... How did we even end up talking about this?' 

'It's not different,' she said, and then she picked at the frill on the cushion. 'Alex, hey, can I ask you something weird?'

'Sure.'

'Would you let him top you even if you knew he was doing it for revenge?'

'Sure,' Alex said. 

'Really though? Like, really?' 

'He could be doing it right now and I wouldn't know.'

'But if you knew,' Haley said, weirdly persistent. 

Alex prodded absently at his bicep, not to show it off, but because he liked the resistance and how weird muscles felt when they weren't tense. If Sebastian straight-up told him that he was topping Alex because of a sense of revenge... He wouldn't be making Alex lunch and doing all the other nicer shit for a start. If he wanted revenge, he could have made Alex clean that room, even forced him to apologise to Abigail for setting her off. A person who wanted revenge wasn't just petty in one area, they were petty in a whole fuckton of areas. 

'I don't think so,' Alex said slowly. 'A lot of things would have to be different, and I don't even know if I'd be cleaning there.' 

Haley sighed explosively, like she was super relieved. 

'If we can raise your standards up from like rock bottom, that'd be a win,' Haley said. 'You gotta talk to Seb about some of this stuff. But, anyway, what are you getting me for my birthday?'

'It's a surprise,' he said. He'd bought her present a few weeks ago. It was one of the biggest purchases he'd made since Sebastian started paying him for the cleaning gig. He’d already known what he wanted to get her, and now it was gift-wrapped and ready, and he knew she was going to love it. Well. He hoped she would. 

'I don't want to get older,' Haley said, sighing. 'Also I think Emily's into Shane.'

'No,' Alex said automatically. 'Sorry, it's just- All the drinking... Like, sometimes you actually smell him when he walks past in the morning.'

'I know,' she said. 'He's a bit better, or a lot better, thanks to Martingale. Apparently they had some kind of deep and meaningful ages ago and that changed things. But shit, I don't know. I don't want him here all the time either. Although maybe it means I could visit the animals at Marnie's more? Trying to see a silver lining. Emily would be into Shane, she loves a rescue project and he's like forty rescue projects in the shape of a grumpy asshole.'

'So, like me then.'

'I mean you don't drink,' Haley said. 'Honestly I don't know how anyone in this town does if they ever knew your dad. But how about we pour a metaphorical one out for Em's bedroom being next to mine, and me being pretty sure I heard them like...doing stuff the other day.'

'No!' Alex exclaimed, standing. 'Don't- I am so not ready to hear about your sister's sex life. With Shane. That's horror movie shit.'

'If I have to hear about it through that wall,' Haley said, pointing at it. 'You have to hear about it too.'

The subject changed soon after, and Haley showed him the little miniature paintings she'd been working on. If he'd known about them sooner, he would have commissioned a bunch of picture frames for her birthday, but he was pretty sure she was going to like what he got for her. He loved her so much, she was like a sister and a best friend rolled up into one, and he was relieved that telling her about Sebastian hadn't made her angry at him. No more than usual, anyway.

Notes:

In our next chapter: Breathe that Moment Down ->

"'Hey,' Sebastian said, licking his lips, staring down, 'if I do stuff that hurts you-'

'-Tell you to stop, right?'

'No, that...wasn't what I was going to say,' Sebastian said, unblinking. 'If I do stuff that hurts and you worry it's because of past shit between us, just know it's not, okay? I'm just...like that.'

'O-Oh. You- Okay,' Alex said. It was getting harder to focus."

*

Normally I'd be all 'come find me on Tumblr' but I've been whining a bit over there lately so actually maybe you won't want to do that? But I do post excerpts and stuff!

Chapter 35: Breathe that Moment Down

Notes:

New tags include: Mild CBT (it's very mild, and it's getting slightly less mild in the next chapter!) + Poorly Negotiated Kink / Unnegotiated Kink

Note: Unnegotiated kink. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again! This is because Sebastian isn't actively involved in BDSM communities and doesn't know he's doing anything kinky (at least not in any formalised way). Sebastian does admit he's sadistic but doesn't have any of the BDSM terminology in his arsenal, and he doesn't give Alex a clear safeword or an easy out. A lot of people find their way to kink without ever being formally educated about it or doing any research into it, and in those cases the kink doesn't tend to be neogtiated at all, and Sebastian actually believes he’s doing a lot of due diligence here that he wouldn't do for most of his other partners.

Alex turned up at Sebastian's the day after visiting Haley. He walked into an empty house. There was a note on the table: 

Out hunting. Will be back before you finish. 

The sword was missing from its place on the wall, the heavy duty boots that Sebastian left in the shoe rack by the front door were gone. Alex nodded, tried to ignore the disappointment he felt because it wasn't like they were going to do anything at the beginning of his shift anyway. It wasn't professional. And he was actually terrified of whatever they were going to do next.

But he also wanted to be on his knees again, he wanted Sebastian's hand in his hair, and he was so fucking horny it was driving him up the wall. He was beginning to think he'd be walking around half-hard for the rest of his life. Even the taste of Sebastian's come in his mouth didn't gross him out. He wanted to eat more of it. Like it was a food he could just eat. Fuck. 

He got to work, eventually relaxing enough that he could find a rhythm. He even managed to finally clean the guest room where Abigail had gone off at him, telling himself he was cleaning all of her bad vibes out of the room as he vacuumed and changed the bedding and wiped everything down and dusted the corners. He imagined every shred of Abigail’s cruelty  disappearing and in the end that was pretty satisfying. 

Sebastian got home while Alex was vacuuming the lounge. He walked in, then stilled. Alex turned the vacuum off.

'Shit, you haven't cleaned the kitchen yet, have you?' Sebastian called out.  

'I've mopped,' Alex said. 'Might be slippery.'

'No, that's not it,' Sebastian said, laughing drily. 

Alex walked over and Sebastian was dripping with oily black and purple monster blood. His hair was wet on one side with it, and there were human bloodstains across one arm, though he was holding himself fine. He probably sprung for the really expensive healing potions that no one in the Valley could afford except for farmer Martingale. 

'Shit,' Alex said, looking at him.

Sebastian's smile was tired. 'I got swarmed. It's fine, I got a lot of great stuff out of it, but...I'm glad to be home.' 

'Sure.'

'I'm going to, uh... You've already cleaned my bathroom, right? And the hall. I'm going to strip down here and put my clothes in the laundry, so I don't fuck everything up.'

'It's your house, do what you want,' Alex said. 

Sebastian stared at him for a long time, and Alex had the weirdest feeling that Sebastian wanted to walk over and do something to him. Touch him, kiss him, something. Alex's stare in return felt like a dare. God, he wanted it so badly. He just wanted to know more. Wanted to feel someone pulling him forward like they craved him more than anything. That feeling was really fucking addictive. 

'If you...' Sebastian said, then hesitated. But then something fierce crossed his face, something intent. 'If you want to do stuff like we did the other day, wait for me in my room once you've finished vacuuming out here.'

'But...the kitchen isn't-'

'-And I'm saying you don't have to finish if you're up for something, if you want to do stuff. If you're not, no harm done, you can keep cleaning and I'll see you out here instead. Okay?'

'What do you want?'

'Don't give me that kind of power over you, Alex. I know what I want. You're the one I'm worried about.'

Alex's hands twitched by his sides. He didn't know what to say. Sebastian just nodded and stripped the sword and scabbard off his belt and placed it next to his heavy pack by the front door. He started stripping down, and Alex flushed in embarrassment and went back to cleaning, because he wasn't yet at the "ogle my boss while he's stripping" stage of employment yet. Baby steps or something. 

By the time he finished cleaning the lounge, Sebastian was in the shower. Alex's heart thumped like a discordant drum. Nothing about him felt steady. He thought about Haley saying he should talk more, that he should check if Sebastian had lubricant, and he thought about how much he didn't want to do any of that shit. He put the cleaning stuff away, took his cleaning shoes off and put them next to the front door by Sebastian’s sword and backpack, and walked barefoot to Sebastian's bedroom. 

Once there, he turned around a few times trying to think of what to do. 

Eventually he sat on the bed with its amazing mattress. He rubbed his palms down his thighs a few times to try and get rid of the sweat. He wanted... He didn't know what he wanted; he didn't know what to ask Sebastian for. He'd take whatever was on offer. Probably. 

Sebastian came out of the bathroom towelling his hair, wearing black boxer briefs, because the guy themed all his clothing around Essence of Goth. He didn't seem to react when he saw Alex on the bed, like he wasn't surprised at all. He was way bulkier with muscle than Alex realised because his clothing often hid it, and it looked good. Alex liked everything he saw, from the hair on his thick thighs, the snail trail that went up to his navel, the hair on his chest. His nipples were the same dusky-pink as his cock, his shoulders broader than Alex's, despite the fact that Alex could bench more weight at the gym. Sebastian kept towelling his hair, and then pursed his lips. 

'How nice do you want me to be?' Sebastian said. 

'How nice are you normally?'

'Not very,' Sebastian said, smirking. 

'I don't even really know what that means. I like everything that's happened so far.' 

Sebastian walked up to him. He kept one hand on the towel in his hair, and with the other he reached boldly for Alex's knee and jerked it sideways, stepping into the space he created between his legs, staring down at him. The towel fell to the floor as he placed both of his hands on Alex's sides, curving around his waist. He slid his palms up, and Alex tried not to squirm because it was a little ticklish, and then abruptly it wasn't as Sebastian's fingers curled harder and grabbed at him, increasing the pressure.

Sebastian's expression was fierce as he slipped his hands beneath Alex's shirt and moved his hands back up Alex's sides and instead of moving up to his neck or collarbones or his nipples, he pressed this thumbs up into Alex's armpits, the gesture so deeply violating and intimate that Alex's mouth fell open. 

Wasn't that...gross? Wasn't it-? Alex couldn't think, Sebastian was just going to touch him wherever he wanted, and not just the regular places where Alex thought people touched. Sebastian's thumbs digging into the sensitive, almost-sore flesh beneath Alex's arms made him breathless. He stared up as fingers curved around his back, under his arms, making his shirt tight across the chest. He felt restrained. Sebastian watched him, even as his fingers moved with total ownership. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said, licking his lips, staring down, 'if I do stuff that hurts you-'

'-Tell you to stop, right?'

'No, that...wasn't what I was going to say,' Sebastian said, unblinking. 'If I do stuff that hurts and you worry it's because of past shit between us, just know it's not, okay? I'm just...like that.'

'O-Oh. You- Okay,' Alex said. It was getting harder to focus. 

'I'm going to do stuff that's hard for you, I think,' Sebastian said. 'I kind of want to do that. If you can handle it, cool. If you really hate it, tell me.'

'S-sure,' Alex said. 

One of Sebastian's hands moved down his torso, over his belly, and then between his legs, gripping his dick where it was hard and compressed in his pants. The clench of Sebastian's fingers made him wince, jerk, and he was kept in place with the hand under his arm, holding him in place. 

'Like this,' Sebastian said. 'I want to do shit like this, get me?' 

'Why?' 

'Because there's feeling good most of the time, and then there's feeling good with stuff like this. Because I like when someone struggles a little, because I really want you to feel overwhelmed for a lot of reasons. Because I just...really fucking want to. Maybe I'm wired wrong. But I've met people who are wired to like it. Maybe you are too.'

'Maybe I am,' Alex said, staring at him. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, squeezing harder. Alex made a face and his hand went to Sebastian's wrist, a cautioning touch, a: Hey, that does fucking hurt actually. Sebastian didn't move his hand away, and Alex felt shaky all over. Haley was gonna kill him for this. Alex didn't care. 

'You been...thinking about this?' Alex risked asking, and he swallowed roughly as Sebastian's palm massaged over his dick through the cloth. Alex's thighs tensed. 'Ow.'

'Yeah, I've been thinking about this,' Sebastian said. 'You?'

'Yeah,' Alex said. 

'Good, then get undressed, because I can't get into you when you're like this.' One last squeeze for good measure, and Sebastian stepped back. Alex felt like it took ages to get his brain back into gear, and he stood, not quite knowing how to read Sebastian's face. He pulled his shirt off one-handed and folded it without thinking. He put his fingers on the hem of his pants, wondering if he'd always be afraid that Sebastian was about to say the most horrific, demeaning shit to him. 

Just before he pushed them down, Sebastian stepped forwards. He grasped Alex's jaw in his hand, the movement almost clumsy, and then Sebastian's toothpaste-fresh mouth was on his. Alex grunted in surprise, then moaned because it was hard to worry about anything. He was getting use to kissing. He fucking loved it, actually. 

Sebastian grabbed at his hair, then his sides, then finally shoved Alex's shorts down for him, taking off his underwear as he went. Alex felt a kindling of embarrassment, his cheeks flushing hot when hands went straight to his glutes and squeezed really hard. He yelped in shock, a little pain, a lot of uncertainty. And then Sebastian's fingers pushed in between the seam of his ass and rested there, and Alex sucked down breaths because it had been so... It had been- That- 

'You...' Alex managed. 'So...'

'Mm? Did you want to say something?' 

'You're just...doing that, huh?'

'Yeah,' Sebastian said against Alex's neck, before biting down. Alex didn't want to be standing. Standing was fucking hard. Standing required a lot of damned motor coordination. Sebastian's fingers moved up and down and then brushed against Alex's hole and Alex made a caught, strangled noise that was embarrassing in how frantic it was. Sebastian laughed softly, but the sound wasn't friendly at all. 

'Haley said...you need lube.'

Sebastian burst into proper laughter then, pulling Alex close with his other hand, pressing him to his chest. His other hand stayed exactly where it was, between Alex's ass cheeks, a total ownership that made Alex feel stupid with how quickly it shattered every one of his thoughts. 

'Yeah? You talked to Haley about this?'

'Shut up,' Alex muttered. 

'I have lube,' Sebastian said, pressing a dry finger to Alex's hole again. 'I'm just teasing. I wanted to see how you'd react.'

'So- Um. Okay.'

'I like it,' Sebastian said, pushing a bit more, and Alex went up to his tiptoes because like... Okay so he was just supposed to let that happen? Did people just let other people fuck them? Of course they did. But how? Fucking how did they do that? Alex wanted to scream and run away. He wanted to point and accuse Sebastian of being some pervert and then run into a bathroom and jack off at high speed because he was still really fucking turned on. 

'I'm so fucked,' Alex breathed into Sebastian's chest. His bare chest. Alex opened his mouth and brushed his teeth against skin without thinking, he just wanted to know what it felt like. In response, Sebastian pressed harder with his finger, not entering that tight ring of muscle, but definitely stretching it. 

'You are,' Sebastian said, the warmth gone, replaced with that intensity of before. 

'I didn't- So we're... That's today?' 

'Maybe.' 

'Maybe,' Alex echoed. 

Sebastian walked him back to the bed, then pushed him onto it. He gave Alex no choice but to crawl backwards onto the mattress, Sebastian following him, bending down and kissing him again. 

Alex's brain was doing something strangely panicked. He was naked, Sebastian was – mostly – naked, and this wasn't a gym changeroom. They were kissing. Actually kissing. And while he wanted this so fucking much, he also kept feeling like his dad was going to burst in and start hitting the both of them. The kissing was becoming frantic, and Sebastian made a low sound, and he was slowing down, and Alex didn't want to slow down. He didn't want to fucking think. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said, pulling back, 'hey, hey, what's going on?'

'Nothing,' Alex managed, leaning up and pressing his lips to Sebastian's mouth. 

Sebastian pushed Alex back down to the bed, a hand on his chest. He stared at him for some time, like he was trying to read his mind. 

'You freaking out?' Sebastian said finally.

'No,' Alex said, with the kind of emphasis only someone who was freaking out would use. Sebastian's expression softened; he tilted his head. 

'Yeah? You pretending to be all macho for me, like I haven't already seen how much you can lift?'

'Maybe I am that macho,' Alex said. 

His dad shouting in his head about how people who were real men wouldn't take it up the ass. He couldn't even remember the context. It wasn't like that was a normal conversation to have with a kid. Maybe it was something to do with one of his mom's friends. He couldn't remember. 

'I was freaked out too, the first time,' Sebastian said. 

'No shit.'

'I pretended I wasn't,' Sebastian said. 'Maybe I'm just a better actor than you.'

'Fight me,' Alex said, amused and annoyed at the same time. 

'We've already done a ton of that,' Sebastian said. 'Prefer this.'

He bent down and kissed Alex again, then mouthed down his neck to his chest and bit into his pectoral, the pressure firm, aching. Alex grunted and stared up at the ceiling. His dad was gone. He was gone. No one was going to come into this room. He could do what he wanted. Right? Even if it all went wrong. Even if Sebastian hated him, he could do this now, couldn't he? 

'Get on the bed properly,' Sebastian ordered. 

Alex did it without thinking, moving to the pillows, and Sebastian opened the bedside drawer and tossed a tube of lubricant onto the bed. Alex turned and stared at it, hearing the click of his own throat as he swallowed. Sebastian grasped Alex's shoulder and hip, kissing him roughly before turning him easily onto his stomach. Alex made a sound of shock, he hadn't been expecting it, and then spread his legs automatically when Sebastian forced a rough, bare knee between them. 

'Uh,' Alex managed. 

'Keep pretending,' Sebastian said. 

Alex opened his mouth to retort, then moaned softly when Sebastian's hands dragged firmly down his side to his lower back, thumbs pressing in almost like a massage, except that his hands kept going and curved around his hips. Sebastian moved over him then, pressing his dick - holy fuck - to Alex's ass and his chest to Alex's back, breathing into the back of his head, where the hair ruffled with his breaths. Alex wanted to scream, not because Sebastian was hurting him, but because it was a lot, because he was panicking, because it was good, because being like this Sebastian felt like ownership.

He brought his arms up and slipped them under the pillow, the fabric smelling like the lavender-scented fabric softener Sebastian owned that Alex had used to clean the bedding. 

Sebastian's dick felt huge. 

Alex wanted to say something about how it wasn't going to fit or whatever, but he didn't know. Sebastian obviously had the experience here. 

'Can someone's ass be like...smaller than other people's asses?' Alex asked instead. 'Like, you know, medically, maybe you fit into other people's asses but just not mine?' 

Sebastian laughed against Alex's neck, the gusts of wind just one more maddening sensation that made Alex want to grind down into the mattress. Goddamn it. He shouldn't be this hard. It wasn't fair. Except Sebastian was hard too. But still, it was like he had no dignity left around Sebastian at all. 

'You'll find out,' Sebastian said. 'That's- No one's ever asked me that, Alex. You definitely have a unique way of looking at the world.'

'Ha, nice way to call me "lame", loser.' 

Sebastian moved back, knelt between Alex's thighs and spread his ass cheeks roughly, and Alex twisted around to check if he was looking down and he was. 

'Hey,' Alex snapped out. 'What the fuck are you doing?' 

'Looking,' Sebastian said. Alex’s ears felt like they were on fire, because Alex knew exactly what he was looking at.

'What, is it not up to scratch or something?'

'Oh my god, you neurotic...' Sebastian's fingers dug into his ass cheeks, and Alex winced. 

'Well, I don't know!' 

Sebastian took a breath like he was losing his patience, and Alex bit at his top lip and turned forwards again, because...great, he was fucking this up already. But actually, he didn't want Sebastian to look at his fucking... Alex hadn't even seen it! Maybe that was something he should've done to check it wasn't ugly or something. Fuck. Was that something gay people did? 

'It's fine,' Sebastian said, practically groping Alex's thighs, like he just wanted to get handfuls of muscle into his palms. Alex groaned softly. It felt really fucking nice. 'You're fine. Yoba's ass, Alex, you're normal, it's fine. I'm just looking because I want to be in there, not because I'm judging you. What, you think I'm going to freak out like I don't have one myself?'

'Do you look at yours?'

Silence. Then: 'I mean, okay, no. But if someone's eating me out, I'm okay if they do it.'

Alex's brain was turning itself inside out. The talking part of whatever they were doing was awful. He needed to stop the conversation part. Fucking...eating Sebastian out? Was that a- Did Alex even want to do that? Shit. He didn't know why he was freaking out so much, but he really fucking was. Why was giving Sebastian a fucking blowjob fine, but this wasn't? It was just a bed! Alex had changed it, knew it like the back of his hand. He was into Sebastian. They both had all the working parts. Why was he losing his mind? He badly, badly didn't want to fuck this up.

'Just start already,' Alex said abruptly. 'If you let me think, I'm gonna... I'm gonna be nuts about it, so will you just fucking do something?' 

Sebastian reached for the lubricant. 

'Sure,' he said, as Alex held his breath. 'I can do that.' 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Thunder Inside My Head:

"'You're a sucker for kissing, huh,' Sebastian said, biting down against Alex's neck, doing something with his teeth and tongue that ached slightly, felt like a pulling sensation. Alex groaned, and Sebastian kept doing it, licking over the sore spot several times before doing it again a bit further down.

Suddenly the fingers inside him felt not terrible actually. He felt full, and aching, but when he squirmed next time he didn't know if he wanted more or less or the sensation.

Yeah, sue him, he was a sucker for kissing.

'Good boy,' Sebastian said against his collarbone. Alex made a choked sound, eyes widening, because he didn't know Sebastian would say something like that, he didn't know he'd react to it like that."

*

(It's just all smut from start to finish basically sadlkfjas) I'm on Tumblr doing Tumblry things and being a chronic oversharer dsalfkjsad

Chapter 36: Thunder Inside My Head

Notes:

New tags (most of these have been added to the main tags): Some (extremely) mild CBT. Mild painplay. Dubious consent and under-negotiated sex. Size kink. Deep penetration. Manipulation and some light coercion. 

Alex dug his hands into the pillow when Sebastian popped the cap back on the lubricant. He gritted his teeth at the sensation of cold and wet dripping between his legs, then pressed his forehead down as fingers followed, spreading it around. It felt weird. It just felt weird. It wasn't like kissing, which felt nice. It wasn't like giving Sebastian a blowjob, which didn't exactly feel nice, but felt like doing something really fucking amazing for someone he was into. And he was just lying there. Like, what was he supposed to-

Sebastian slipped the tip of his index finger inside, and the lubricant made it easy, and Alex tensed all over. His whole body locked down.

'Don't do that,' Sebastian said, like Alex had any choice in the matter. His other hand grasped Alex's ass cheek and pulled it out. Fuck. Sebastian was looking again. Fuck.

Fuck my stupid dumb fucking life.

Sebastian's finger pushed deeper, aided by the lubricant, and Alex first tried to tell himself it was just a prostate exam – not like he’d ever fucking had one before – so it was fine, he could get through it, but what stomped all over that was the knowledge that this was Sebastian, and he'd imagined versions of this in misty, unclear ways. The feeling of being taken. The feeling of Sebastian taking over. Alex shuddered, groaning despite the discomfort, clutching the pillow. It felt weird. It just felt fucking weird.

Sebastian's finger pushed in, sliding back and forth a few times, feeling around his entrance where the nerve endings felt stupidly sensitive in a way Alex didn't know was possible. He wanted to squirm and made himself stay still, but if he could hear his breathing, then Sebastian could definitely hear it.

'Poor Alex,' Sebastian said, faintly mocking. 'Still the...'

Sebastian's finger slowed, and he exhaled hard all of a sudden.

'Still the what?' Alex said, alarmed.

'Shit, nothing. I was- Fuck. Sorry.'

'What? What were you going to say?'

'Something shitty,' Sebastian said. His finger stilled, he stroked Alex's back with an open palm, up and down, several times, like he was calming himself through Alex's body. 'I just... I think I'm nervous too.'

'Oh, so you talked a real big fucking game, and now... I mean- That's fair.'

'Is it?' Sebastian said, laughing.

'Sure. I mean you're not the one with a finger in your ass, so go off.'

'Yeah,' Sebastian sighed. 'Yeah. Still, I can't believe how easy it is sometimes to slip back into old ways of talking when I don't want to anymore. I don't think of you that way. I don't want to think of you that way.'

Alex didn't know what kind of way Sebastian was thinking of him, and worse, it was probably true. He moved his hips a little and no, that didn't make the sensation of a finger in his ass any easier to deal with.

'Shit,' Sebastian said again. 'Kind of wished we'd talked more, but whatever. This is the bed you made, Alex. Literally.'

'Literally,' Alex said.

Sebastian withdrew his finger and for a moment, Alex thought he was stopping, and then Sebastian pushed back with two and Alex made a noise as he tried to wrap his head around the stretch. It was a sting at first, definitely uncomfortable, and as Sebastian pushed deeper, it felt like a bastardised version of needing to go to the toilet, and then it felt like something completely new. He pushed his hands into the headboard to brace against something, even though Sebastian was moving slowly, carefully. Alex expected roughness, he was grateful Sebastian wasn't tearing him up, because that whole area felt fragile.

He just felt fucking fragile.

His shoulders curved in and he turned his head to the side to breathe as Sebastian fucked him like that, with two fingers, feeling way too big, the friction against his entrance overwhelming, nerves jangling. Even the feeling of Sebastian's hand bumping into him between his legs, those knees keeping his thighs spread, and the way Sebastian was just sitting behind him, looking at whatever he wanted was too much. All Alex could do was just lie there.

Sebastian's fingers curled down as they dragged back, pushing towards his belly, and Alex felt a throb of something hot and sharp inside, a pulse behind his bladder, and he jolted. It felt... It felt...

Sebastian did it again, Alex's voice broke.

'That's too much, huh?' Sebastian said, sounding horribly confident for someone who'd had a bit of a meltdown a few minutes ago. Sebastian rubbed his fingers over that area inside him, which felt full and different and created a thickness through his senses. He was filling up with sensations he couldn't describe. Sebastian kept doing it, and Alex squirmed helplessly, and Sebastian’s hand dug into his hamstring, making him freeze.

'Hold still,' Sebastian said, voice rough.

Alex breathed through the movements of Sebastian's fingers, and then he tried squirming again, and Sebastian only laughed and pushed back with three.

Alex's hips twisted, and Sebastian caught him, palm hooking over his hip-bone with ease. 

'Wait, wait,' Sebastian said, his voice low and almost soothing. 'Just take it.'

Alex hissed at the sting, and Sebastian's fingers withdrew slightly, then twisted as they pushed back in. Alex's legs spread, and he growled out a noise of frustration and discomfort. He tried to turn again, and Sebastian's grip on his hip got tighter. Alex suddenly had a vision of Sebastian pushing his dick into him - which was thicker than three squished-together fingers - and his struggling became more panicked. 

'Alex,' Sebastian said. 'It's fine. You're fine.'

'Don't tell me how it feels, dickhead. Why don't you do it to yourself ins-'

A mouth on his, Sebastian's lips opening and a tongue sliding in, hot and a more convincing argument than anything else he'd said so far. Alex's hand came up and hooked awkwardly onto Sebastian's arm as their tongues slicked firmly against each other, and Alex felt something tense in him loosen, relax. His mouth opened more, his neck tilted back, and Sebastian's fingers pushed deeper as Alex realised that the tension in his ass had made this all a lot fucking harder. 

'There,' Sebastian said against his mouth, biting at his lower lip, and then his neck. Alex exhaled heavily, tilting his head away so Sebastian had more access, cheeks flaming at the pleased laugh that gusted against his skin before teeth scraped over it in a way that made Alex want to go completely limp. 

'You're a sucker for kissing, huh?' Sebastian said, biting down against Alex's neck, doing something with his teeth and tongue that ached, felt like a pulling soreness. Alex groaned, and Sebastian kept doing it, licking over the sore spot several times before doing it again a bit further down. 

Suddenly the fingers inside him felt not terrible actually. He felt full, aching, but when he squirmed next time he didn't know if he wanted more or less of the sensation. 

Yeah, sue him, he was a sucker for kissing. 

'Good boy,' Sebastian said against his collarbone. Alex made a choked sound, eyes widening, because he didn't know Sebastian would say something like that, he didn't know he'd react to it like that. 

The fingers started thrusting inside him, gentle for two seconds before becoming rougher, and Alex's head fell back to the pillows, soft noises etching out of his mouth on every exhale. Probably he should be making no noise at all, or being really stoic, but whatever, he was already doing the gay shit, he'd stopped caring as much about how he sounded. 

'Yoba's fucking left tit, I knew you'd look good with my fingers in your ass, Alex,' Sebastian breathed, shifting and looking down at what he was doing. Alex pressed his head into the pillow, and Sebastian took up a handful of his hair and gripped it tightly, shoving his fingers in even harder, curling down against his prostate, and Alex cried out into fabric, legs shifting in discomfort. 'That's good, just take it, yeah? That's it. Just like that.'

Alex's dick was hard all over again, the ache in his balls making him realise he'd gone soft at some point, and now wanted to come. He thought he should be doing more, but he couldn't concentrate. 

Sebastian bit down into Alex's shoulder, hard enough that he jolted from the flash of pain. And then Sebastian's mouth dragged closer to his spine and he did it again, holding the pressure this time as Alex reached back and pulled at Sebastian's hair. He couldn't decide if he was trying to shove him away or trying to make a point. Sebastian laughed and did it again, hard enough that Alex yelped and let go, then shuddered at the broad strokes of tongue over his skin, Sebastian's breath by turns cooling and heating. 

Alex felt himself clench against Sebastian's fingers and shivered all over at the sensation. Okay. Okay so maybe it wasn't that bad. 

Sebastian pulled his fingers out unceremoniously, and as Alex frowned at the strange feeling of emptiness, his palm dragged down and cupped Alex's balls with a threatening familiarity. Alex held his breath, then inhaled sharply when he felt pressure squeezing flesh that felt too tender to handle it. 

'Sebastian,' Alex said warningly. 

'Mm.' That hand pulling Alex's balls away from his body with slow confidence, and the tenderness flared into a mild pain, and a deeper ache low in his pelvis. Alex breathed carefully, all of Sebastian's words about liking things that other people didn't coming back to haunt him. His next inhale shook wildly, and Sebastian kissed his shoulder gently, even as his hand squeezed Alex’s balls tighter. Alex made a low, miserable noise. He pressed his face back into the pillow. 

'Poor Alex,' Sebastian said roughly. 'You're so hot, putting up with this for me. Look at you. You could deck me and everything, and you're letting me. You feel it here right?'

Sebastian's other hand dug low into Alex's gut, fingers pushing against the soreness that had bloomed, and Alex grunted and nodded weakly. 

'You feel sick yet?' Sebastian said against his skin. 

Alex shook his head. 

'Maybe later then,' Sebastian said, letting go of his balls and stroking them once, gently. He shifted up and kissed Alex's cheek, his eyebrow, licked into his ear, and Alex squirmed, face moving until Sebastian could kiss him properly. 

His hips moved restlessly, his dick somehow hadn't gone soft again through all of that. He wanted more. Not more of the ball squeezing, they'd done more than enough of that fucking nonsense. But everything else he was ready to try. 

'Come on,' Alex said against Sebastian's mouth. 'Thought you'd be more intense than this.'

Sebastian's laugh was incredulous, and he ground his hips down, his hard dick slipping on the lubricant and sweat on Alex's ass, and Alex wondered if he could take back everything he'd just said. Seemed like antagonising Sebastian wasn't a good idea.

'Yeah okay,' Sebastian said. 'You got it.'

'Um, I might have-'

Sebastian shifting behind him, and then with no fanfare at all, just a hand holding his dick in place, Sebastian went from sliding against his skin to pressing the head of his dick against Alex's entrance, pushing against a ring of muscle that immediately began to sting in protest. Alex wanted to tell Sebastian to slow down, to take it easy, but in the space it took to find the words, Sebastian's dick popped inside him. Alex cried out, his voice breaking as Sebastian's thighs flexed and he pushed deeper all at once, that full, aching feeling from before returning with a vengeance, expanding inside him. 

'Oh. Shit,' Alex managed. 

'Fuck me, relax, Alex. Relax.' 

'Uh.'

'Actually...fuck it.' Sebastian withdrew slightly, then pushed back in, and Alex pushed up on his elbows, thinking about getting away, protesting, something. A flaring ache deep inside him. The sting at his entrance getting worse even with the lubricant as Sebastian moved out an inch, and then shoved deeper into him every single time. Alex knew stupid sounds were falling out of his mouth, half-protest, half-shock, and Sebastian shifted behind him and grabbed his hip again, holding him in place and sucking in a determined inhale before pushing deep enough that Alex felt a flare of actual fucking pain deep inside, like Sebastian was hitting something solid, and he reached around to claw at him. 

'Hold on, hold on,' Sebastian said quickly. 'Hold on.' 

'It hurts, dipshit!' 

'I know.' Sebastian managed to sound panicked and understanding at the same time. 'Get your ass up for a second.'

'I'm not helping you.' 

'It'll make it hurt less.'

'Don't push as deep!' 

'Are you kidding me? When you feel this good? I'm getting all the way in.' 

'You're not- This... Fuck you.' 

Alex breathed heavily, nails digging into Sebastian's arm where it was braced by his side. Everything seemed to pause, and when Sebastian withdrew slightly - just enough to take the edge off that bruising pain - Alex felt like his strings had been cut and he sagged back into the bed. 

'Hey,' Sebastian said, slapping the side of Alex's hip lightly. 'Get your hips up. Come on. You wanted to fuck around, now you're finding out.'

'Learn how to use your dick properly, you absolute cunt.'

'Hey,' Sebastian said, his voice softening. He leaned down and pressed his face close to Alex's, and Alex's eyes squeezed shut because he was weak to this. Weak to Sebastian softening and changing things up. 'There's a- There's like a bend inside you, and that's why it's hurting. If you dip your lower back and arch your hips up, it can sometimes straighten it out a little. Once I'm through, it'll be... It'll be intense, but it won't hurt like when I was shoving into it. If it's still really bad after that, I'll- I won't- I'll do it differently, okay?' 

'I've never done this before,' Alex said, voice strained, and Sebastian kissed the side of Alex's eyelid so gently. Alex wondered if Sebastian thought he was a coward. Surely guys just did this shit without talking about it. Sebastian made it sound like he picked up random dudes and then did whatever he wanted without having to worry about his partner having a complete meltdown about it. 

Martingale's probably way better at this than you are. 

Alex winced, and Sebastian stroked Alex's side soothingly, or at least that's what he thought, until a hand curved around and rubbed at his nipple, the delicate skin going taut at the touch as nerve endings sent electricity across his chest. Alex pressed his lips together, then groaned roughly as Sebastian grabbed a large handful of his chest, nipple included, and groped at him. 

'Yeah,' Sebastian said, pleased, 'okay, I get why you don't look like you have as much muscle as me. It's just all densely packed in there, isn't it?' 

'Fuck.'

'Come on, put the deadlifts to work and get your hips up.' 

Fucking hell. 

Alex was guided into place, felt horribly exposed, legs splayed and Sebastian's muscular thighs keeping them apart, his hips up and that dick still inside him, making him feel spitted through, like the pigs Linus prepared for the Luau. Hands came and pressed hard into his lower back, and it would made for a killer fucking massage or stretch, except... except that it was this. 

Sebastian rocked into him, grinding searching movements that bloomed an ache deep inside, and Alex moaned into the pillow because he couldn't fucking not. Between concentrating on breathing, and not decking Sebastian, and trying not to curve his back to quell the sensation of that pressure and pulse inside of him, keeping quiet seemed impossible. 

Sebastian groaned thickly, angled sideways a little, and Alex's mouth opened wide at a flare of that pain that was followed by a smoothing out, the sensation of depth. A strangled whine left his throat because that felt like it was in his fucking stomach. He knew anatomy didn't work like that, but it sure felt like it did. He sucked down deep breaths, then clenched his teeth together as Sebastian gripped him punishingly and ground in so hard it was overwhelming. 

'Fuck yeah,' Sebastian breathed. 'You feel so fucking good, Alex. I'm opening you up pretty good, yeah?' 

Oh my fucking god. 

Alex couldn't reply, and Sebastian pulled back and then shoved back in, and that ache stirred up all over again, but it felt different now. Sebastian's annoyingly thick dick sliding over his prostate, and the solid ache at the end expanding inside him, compressing his mind until all he could think about was breathing around it and the sensation of being cored out. He felt a persistent needy itch in his dick like he just wanted to rub it really hard against something and then come his fucking brains out. 

'Ah, fuck,' Alex managed, when he realised he was really fucking hard. He tried to move a hand between his legs, but Sebastian's thrusts sped up, became harder, and the ache from before bloomed into something heavier, almost vicious, and he cried out. 'Slow down, come on. Seb- Sebastian, please.' 

Sebastian's next thrust was so hard it jolted him up the bed, and Alex bit down wetly into the pillow as Sebastian shifted behind him and made the rhythm of before seem sweet. Alex's next cry was muffled, but it sounded loud in his ears, he grabbed onto the edge of the mattress, fingers digging into the the fitted sheet, and Alex tried to ride it out, muscles in his thighs and hips burning, his ass feeling like it was going to be fucking open for the rest of his life. 

When Sebastian's hand wrapped around his dick, Alex choked like he was drowning. Sebastian's hand was too rough, too fast, and Alex came in under a minute, his ass clamping down around Sebastian's dick, making everything seem impossible. For several long moments, Alex thought he was blacking out, the world fading into nothing at all as he spasmed through every pulse, feeling like he was emptying himself out, Sebastian shoving all the come out of him. It lasted ages. He didn't know he could come so hard. He thought the blowjob had shown him how good coming could be. That had nothing on this. 

Heavy breathing followed, Alex feeling oversensitive and exhausted and sleepy. He turned his head to the side, wiping absently at his wet eyes, opened his mouth to say something, and then slowly realised Sebastian was as hard as ever. Sebastian's thighs flexed and that dick ground inside of him, and Alex pushed up suddenly, then jerked at the low pain in his gut. 

'Wait, wait, wait,' Alex managed. 'Wait. I just- I just- You gotta stop now.'

'What about...you give me another five minutes,' Sebastian said against the back of Alex's neck. 'What about that?' 

'But-'

'What about I tell you that I'm into some freaky shit in the bedroom, and I want the part where I know it's gonna hurt because you just came.'

'I mean...it's gonna hurt,' Alex said. 'You fucker, it's not like it's hurting you.' 

'I don't know about that. You got so tight for a second that I thought I'd have to pull out.' More grinding deep inside him, and Alex gasped. 'Felt so good though. So fucking good. And you're a good boy, right? You don't like rocking the boat, remember? You seem like the type of guy who believes in a quid pro quo. Like...it's just five minutes, Alex. I'll take care of you afterwards, I promise. You can just get some rest, yeah?' 

'You sound like a total asshole,' Alex said weakly. 'Which...I guess...you always kind of have been.'

'Yeah, that's right,' Sebastian breathed. 'You gonna be good for me? Just another five minutes. Think of it like the very last set at the end of the day. The one where you really want to prove yourself, no matter how much your muscles are shaking.'

Alex's eyes squeezed shut, because fuck, it wasn't that he wanted the feeling of being way past his limits, it was that he wanted Sebastian talking like this, turned on and not wanting to stop and sounding so overtaken with lust that the only place he wanted to come was in Alex's ass. And wasn't that stupid? Wasn't that fucking stupid? 

'Okay,' Alex said, moaning in despair and want at the same time. 'Okay.' 

It wasn't like he'd ever pretended to be smart, after all. 

Notes:

In our next chapter:

"'You want to be in control, I don't want to be in control, we're still good on that. I don't think I expected it to hurt that much. But I'm also not bleeding or anything, so it could be worse.'

Sebastian frowned. 'You're- That's... Did you think you were bleeding?'

'I mean I didn't know! I don't know what to expect! Some of it hurt enough that yeah, I thought it was possible.'

Sebastian covered his face with both hands. 'Ah. I think that's hot. I mean I'm kind of alarmed, but it's also hot.'

'I know for a fact that not everyone fucks like that,' Alex said finally. 'Like, you fuck.'

'I do,' Sebastian said, dropping his hands. 'I mostly want my partner to feel like they've been hit by a comically oversized piano or something. Like in the cartoons.'

'Mission accomplished.'

'What'd you like about it?'

'The kissing,' Alex said, and then looked away, because he did not just say that. He did not just say he liked the softest part of it all.

'I liked that too,' Sebastian said quietly."

*

Don't worry, Alex liked more than just the kissing. That just seemed like the safest place to start until he heard himself say it out loud lol. Meanwhile I'm hanging around like a ball on its side on Tumblr

Chapter 37: Pulling Words From Me

Notes:

Note: The ‘everyone’s so creative’ dialogue is from Tanara from Tiktok. Not that they have this in this universe, but y'know. Also yes I'm still on hiatus! I just really wanted to share a chapter sdalfajksd

New tags: Sex while sore, aftercare, debrief

Sebastian fucking him after he came was uncomfortable at best. Alex shuddered through it, body covered in sweat, brain taken out by the feeling of Sebastian inside him, the dull feeling of needing to piss and knowing that was going to be a problem soon, the rawness in his ass that made him think they should’ve used more lubricant, or maybe everyone used this much lubricant, he didn’t know. 

But the feeling of Sebastian’s thigh muscles shaking against him, those hands grasping at him, big handfuls of muscle and skin almost like a rough massage until Alex was groaning with it, and Sebastian’s heavier breaths, each one getting faster, the exhales falling out of him with the force of his thrusts - all of that was fucking amazing. All of that was being folded away forever, the feeling of Sebastian losing his mind because of him, because of his body. 

If only it didn’t feel like being dragged over a grater. 

When Sebastian pressed deep inside him and Alex felt the pulsing at his entrance - Oh shit, he’s coming in me - half-slumping over him, Alex felt relieved and satisfied and sore. And when Sebastian pulled out, he whimpered at the unexpected, strange hollowness, the air on the rim of his ass, the weird way it felt like he’d lost something.

Alex pushed up to go to the bathroom, and Sebastian pushed him back down again, kissing him roughly, messily, breathing still uneven. He grabbed at Alex’s hair, his movements dragging and almost sluggish. 

‘You’re good,’ Sebastian said against his mouth. Those words lit candles in Alex’s brain, turned everything gentle, reminded him of spring. ‘You’re so fucking good.’

Did I even do enough? 

‘Yeah?’ Alex managed. 

‘Yeah.’

‘I gotta get up, though. I need to- I need to use your bathroom.’

‘Uh huh,’ Sebastian said, as he flopped back onto the pillows next to Alex, cheeks flushed pink, sweat across his forehead. His black-green eyes dazed but still hungry. He considered Alex. ‘You go do that. You feeling okay?’

‘Just a sec,’ Alex said. 

He walked into Sebastian’s bathroom, closed the door, then pissed into the toilet while cataloguing all the aches and pains in his body. His hips were sore, and when he looked down, he saw reddish marks in the shape of Sebastian’s fingers on his pelvis and thighs. With the hand not holding his dick, he pressed his fingers to the marks and flushed, felt good about them even. His thighs ached. His balls were sensitive in a way they weren’t after he jerked off, but maybe that was because of everything Sebastian did to him earlier, when he’d been pulling and squeezing and Alex had felt like all of it was some kind of torture-threat. His belly and pelvis felt fragile, but he supposed he’d just had his gut churned up in a way it wasn’t used to. Shit. He didn’t know if he’d ever get used to something like that. 

As he was washing his hands, he looked at his reflection. His hair was wild. He was paler than he thought he’d be, he looked tired. He had a giant fucking hickey on the side of his neck, which hurt when he touched it. His lips were swollen from kissing, from biting into them. He felt like a new, unseen version of himself.

He wasn’t a virgin anymore, so there was that. 

Alex rubbed at the back of his neck and felt disoriented. They’d just done...that. When Alex came over, he didn’t know that’s what was on the table, and he didn’t know it’d be that intense, and he didn’t know he’d like it.

Because he liked it, didn’t he? Though “like” wasn’t exactly the right word. And he felt raw back there. He was scared to touch the skin. He didn’t think he was bleeding or anything, but that area felt...used up. 

He came back out. Sebastian was still lying down, looking at Alex like he’d been waiting for him. Alex wasn’t sure what to do for a second, then came back over to the bed. 

‘You sore?’ Sebastian said. 

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. 

‘You dripping my come yet?’ 

‘What?’ Alex said, and his eyes flew open as he realised that was- Oh shit, it was going to have to come out of him at some point. 

‘That’s a no,’ Sebastian said, smirking and rolling over onto his back. ‘It will, though. When someone comes past that bend inside, sometimes you don’t end up leaking it for a little while. But you will. Just use the bathroom when you realise.’

‘Fucking- You couldn’t have used a condom or something?’

‘Didn’t want to,’ Sebastian said. ‘Wanted to fill you up. So, you know.’

‘Dickhead,’ Alex muttered, getting onto the bed. He grunted dully at the pain in his thighs and hips as he moved. Okay, so maybe Sebastian slamming into him also hurt. 

‘I’m going to shower soon. Do you want one too?’ 

‘I should probably...do that,’ Alex said. ‘I’ve just fucking cleaned your house. And now everything’s a mess. Do you want me to strip the bed?’

‘Um. No. I live my life between the times you clean, Alex. I can strip my bed. I fucked you in it. I’ll deal with that side of things.’

‘Are you sore? You had the- You went to the mines and stuff, right?’ 

‘Mm. That wasn’t so bad. Being inside you was great. You sound so good, you know? Just...’ 

Sebastian looked at him and then reached out and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him over and into a kiss. It wasn’t just Alex’s gut that felt fragile, but all of him. 

I love you, he thought. 

Poor Sebastian, worried that Alex was going to catch feelings. But in that moment, Alex felt pretty sorry for himself, because the compliments were nice, but this was going nowhere.

‘I know that was a lot,’ Sebastian said, as Alex pulled back. ‘I know, Alex. Even people with lots of experience say I’m intense in the bedroom. You sure you’re okay?’

‘What does not being okay look like?’ Alex said. 

Sebastian blinked at him and then frowned. ‘Uh. I guess... Feeling like I did something wrong, or really hating something I did. Or feeling a bit out of sorts, maybe?’ 

Alex always felt out of sorts, but yeah, it was maybe worse now. Like if he walked home, he’d feel melancholy. Sebastian’s expression shifted. 

‘Oh, fuck, what did you hate?’ he said. ‘It was the ball stuff, wasn’t it?’ 

Alex laughed. ‘I don’t know if I hated that, but what’s with that shit? Why... Why that?’

‘I enjoy making people squirm,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’m kind of sadistic.’

‘Yeah, “kind of.” Whatever.’ 

‘You don’t know if you hated it? What does that mean?’

‘It freaked me out,’ Alex said, lying on his side because he was sore and couldn’t be bothered staying propped up. ‘There’s just a lot of stuff I don’t really know about, I guess.’

‘But you’re not against me doing it again?’

‘If I can swear at you while it’s happening, then sure.’ 

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said. ‘So what... Do you feel like I did something wrong? Or maybe you’re feeling a bit out of it?’ 

‘We don’t have to talk about this. I’m not gonna be a fucking weak-ass piece of shit about it. It was fine.’

‘First, it was better than fine,’ Sebastian said, pushing up and looking down at him, placing a hand on Alex’s chest that felt strange and intimate now that they weren’t fucking anymore and weren’t about to in the next few minutes. ‘Second, we have to talk about this. Third, you see me calling you weak? It’s not weak to talk about how you feel about something. It sucks that you feel that way about it.’

‘Aren’t you meant to be showering or something?’

Sebastian scowled. His mouth did a cute little thing, somewhere between his lips thinning and pushing into a pout. 

‘If you’re not here when I get back, I’m coming to your house and I’m going to shout your door down until you let me in,’ Sebastian said, getting off the bed with a heavy look on his face. 

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Alex said tiredly. ‘I’m staying. Don’t worry.’

‘Get your thoughts in order, then. I’m not done talking to you. That’s part of it.’ 

Alex repeated, ‘That’s part of it,’ in the most childish way possible, and Sebastian’s face wrinkled in disgust as he walked to the bathroom. Alex laughed as the door closed. 

But the humour disappeared soon after, and Alex rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling and felt panicky and kept worrying that come was suddenly going to fall out of his asshole, and that was a whole new thing to be paranoid about and he didn’t really need to add one more thing to the list.

*

When Sebastian came out of the shower, Alex hurried past him, because he’d just felt a trickle of something leaking out of him and he desperately didn’t want to think about it, but he had no choice. He showered in the already steamy bathroom, made a strangled noise when he brushed soaped up fingers over his entrance and felt how hot and swollen the skin was. Shit. Sebastian had destroyed his ass. There was no blood or anything, but he wondered how long it’d take for him to recover. 

Once he’d cleaned up, he came out and frowned at the way Sebastian was sitting on the bed against the headboard, looking ready to talk. Sebastian patted the bed expectantly, and Alex rolled his eyes and came over. 

‘Gonna ask you some questions,’ Sebastian said.

‘Fucking...great.’

‘It’s literally pathological how much you hate talking about yourself.’

‘Yeah, probably!’ Alex said, as he got on the bed. ‘You knew that about me. It’s not like this is news.’

‘That’s... Look, therapy’s not terrible.’ 

‘We fucked,’ Alex grumped. ‘It’s not something to go to therapy for.’

‘I mean, there are literally sex therapists.’

‘Everyone’s so creative,’ Alex said, rolling his eyes. Sebastian laughed. 

‘Would you do it again? What we just did?’

‘Sure.’ 

‘Anything you’d change?’

‘You want to be in control. I don’t want to be in control. We’re still good on that. I don’t think I expected it to hurt that much. But I’m also not bleeding or anything, so it could be worse.’

Sebastian frowned. ‘You’re- That’s... Did you think you were bleeding?’

‘I mean, I didn’t know! I don’t know what to expect! Some of it hurt enough that yeah, I thought it was possible.’

Sebastian covered his face with both hands. ‘Ah. Crap. I think that’s hot. I’m alarmed, I’m worried, but it’s also hot.’

‘I know for a fact that not everyone fucks like that,’ Alex said finally. ‘Like, you fuck.’ 

‘I do,’ Sebastian said, dropping his hands. ‘I mostly want my partner to feel like they’ve been hit by a comically oversized piano or something. Like in the cartoons.’

‘Mission accomplished.’

‘What’d you like about it?’

‘The kissing,’ Alex said, and then looked away, because he did not just say that. He did not just say he liked the softest part of it all. 

‘I liked that too,’ Sebastian said. 

‘Oh. Um. Cool. It was just- I didn’t know if you liked it that much, so that helped, I think.’

‘That’s really helpful,’ Sebastian said, his voice getting an edge of excitement to it, like Alex had just done something great. ‘It’s helpful to know that. So, did you also like when I told you it was good? Or that you were good?’

Alex nodded. ‘Unless that’s bad. People probably know they’re good at it.’

‘Alex, it doesn’t work like that for most of us. People like to be praised. I mean, most people do. It’s not bad to want to hear your partner’s enjoying themselves.’ 

Partner, Alex thought, like an idiot. Sebastian probably used that word for everyone he fucked, but Alex still felt weirdly attached to it. What would it be like to hear Sebastian call Alex his boyfriend? 

Cut it the fuck out right now, Alex snarled at himself, because that was just stupid. 

‘The way you grab me,’ Alex said, changing the subject. ‘I liked it. I’m gonna bruise, I think. On my hips.’

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said, moving closer, the smile on his face really annoying. ‘You liked that?’

‘I just told you I did.’ 

‘What else?’ 

‘This feels like post-sex-torture,’ Alex said. ‘Is that a thing?’ 

‘What do you think will happen to you if you tell me what you liked?’ Sebastian said seriously. ‘Like, for real, what do you think I’m going to do?’

‘Laugh at me?’ Alex said, annoyed and angry. ‘Tell me I’m an idiot? Tell me that no one likes what I do, or that I’m stupid for liking it? I don’t know, Sebastian, take your fucking pick!’ 

Sebastian watched him for a while, expression serious and maybe even concerned, and then he looked away. 

‘Maybe,’ Alex said, ‘you’ll tell me I’m too fucking broken, because “I don’t talk enough” or whatever the hell it’s going to be next, and then you’ll hear me talk more and realise why I don’t fucking talk.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with you,’ Sebastian said, sounding angry. He grabbed one of Alex’s hands. ‘There’s nothing wrong with what you like. There’s nothing wrong with us talking. There’s nothing wrong with you.’ 

‘Don’t do that. Don’t pretend you think otherwise now, after everything.’ 

Sebastian’s expression creased, and he looked really upset before the expression smoothed out. 

‘Am I laughing at you?’ Sebastian said. ‘Am I telling you you’re an idiot? Maybe I’m scared of that too, Alex. Maybe I’m scared you’re going to tell me I’m stupid for liking what I do, or I’m a pervert.’

‘I’m not going to do that.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘Same. I’m not trying to torture you. I want to know what you liked so I can do more of it. And I want to know if you hated anything, so I can do less of it, or try not to do it again.’ 

‘But I’m not gonna know all of that stuff until a couple of days go by,’ Alex said roughly. ‘I don’t magically know all of that stuff right now. I just know I didn’t hate it. I’d do it again. The rest... Like, I’m tired.’ 

‘You can get some sleep.’

Alex wished he could magically talk the way Sebastian seemed to want him to. But he was scared. Ultimately, he was hiding a pretty big fucking secret from Sebastian, and he couldn’t imagine ever coming clean about it. He’d been keeping secrets from everyone all his life. Whether it was how bad things were at home with his dad, how hard things were with his mom, realising he was gay, realising he was in love with Sebastian, all of that shit... Keeping secrets and keeping quiet were the two things he was best at. 

‘I’m going to make you something to eat,’ Sebastian said decisively. 

‘You don’t have to.’

‘Yeah, I am though. I’m hungry too. How about you get some rest and I’ll get you when lunch is ready?’ 

‘Night-time lunch,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘Hey, how come the frogs are all quiet? It’s spring, isn’t it? Shouldn’t they be going off?’

‘The first big rain gets them all going,’ Sebastian said, his eyes crinkled as he smiled to think about it. He got off the bed, then bent down and kissed Alex, the movement quick and easy. ‘Hang tight. I’ll get you when food’s up. Get some rest, okay?’

‘Yeah?’ Alex said. 

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. 

He walked down the corridor, and Alex thought he’d panic and stay awake the entire time, but he was asleep in minutes, listening to the sounds of Sebastian opening and closing the fridge, pouring water from the tap into a saucepan, and Alex realised Sebastian wasn’t making sandwiches, but he was actually cooking, and then he was dead to the world.

*

He woke to the smell of salmon, which he knew all too well from the times he prepared it when Willie cut him some slack and gave him a fillet for free. Before that, his grandma used to make it a lot, but that was when they’d had the money to afford good quality fish, and his grandma had spoiled him. Salmon was good for gains, and all of that, but he also just really liked it. 

Sebastian was sitting next to him, resting a warm hand on his shoulder, and Alex realised Sebastian must’ve been trying to wake him. 

‘Hey, sleepyhead,’ Sebastian said. 

Alex felt something sweet and nostalgic inside him, something he’d forgotten from such a long time ago, he nearly cried. His mom sitting next to him on his bed and gently stroking his hair to wake him, and for a minute, he thought he might even cry. 

‘Shit, I slept hard,’ Alex said instead, his voice scratchy. 

‘You needed it. Come on, I made pasta.’ 

Alex looked at Sebastian in surprise, and then he wondered just how much they weren’t like a relationship, if Sebastian was going to cook him a meal after them having sex, instead of just kicking him out. 

Alex winced at the pain in his hips. Yeah. That was like a workout where he’d gone way too hard. He was going to wake up super sore. 

Two bowls of salmon linguine in a cream sauce on the table, and a bottle of fruit juice, and two glasses. Alex wondered if Sebastian would normally drink wine or something with dinner but didn’t ask. No way was he ever going to drink alcohol. Never. 

‘This looks amazing,’ Alex said, sitting at the table. ‘I didn’t know you cooked.’

‘Yeah, a few different things now,’ Sebastian said. ‘I like to have something decent after going to the mines, anyway.’

They started eating, and Alex loved it. There was some cheese in there, the onions were fresh, and the pops of green were sweet, juicy peas. The salmon was cooked really well too. He’d demolished his whole bowl before Sebastian had gotten halfway through his, and Sebastian laughed. 

‘There’s more in the pot. Have seconds if you want it.’

‘You sure?’ 

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘Go for it.’ 

Alex hesitated for a few seconds, then got up and served himself another bowl. He was famished. He demolished that too, finishing at the same time Sebastian finished his first meal. They ate mostly in silence, but it wasn’t awkward or weird like Alex expected it to be. 

‘It’s going to be hard to keep my hands off you,’ Sebastian said, as he dragged some bread through the bowl to get the rest of the sauce. ‘It’s hard to believe this all started last Saturday. I keep thinking it’ll slow down, but I just want to do it all again.’

‘Let my ass recover first.’

‘I want to fuck you when you’re sore,’ Sebastian said with a surprising amount of casualness for something so intense. ‘When your hole’s all puffy and you want to cry about it. I want that a lot.’ 

‘Yikes.’

Sebastian smirked. ‘Is that a no?’

‘That’s a... That’s a- Fuck. I think you need to pay me compensation or something. Like, my lawyer will be in touch.’

‘Mm. Take me to court for destroying your ass. Your Honour, I’m guilty as charged.’

Alex choked on nothing at all, then coughed, then laughed weakly. Sebastian laughed and pushed Alex’s glass of juice closer so he could recover from coughing. 

‘Was nice seeing you sleep before,’ Sebastian said. ‘Nice knowing I’d put you through your paces. I didn’t know if I’d be able to wear you out, with the way you work out.’

‘Shit, man. You’re a monster.’

‘Yeah, you love it though,’ Sebastian teased, and they both laughed, but Alex felt uncomfortable and sipped his juice as his secrets all expanded inside him, taking up so much room he felt like he couldn’t think. 

Yeah, I love you, actually, he thought. 

Ah, damn it. None of this was going to be easy, was it? Even when it felt good. Alex wondered how long it’d take Sebastian to tire of him, and just hoped it’d take a really long time. 

 

Notes:

In our next chapter Relentless Intersections:

"‘No, I can do all of that,’ Alex said, trying not to overthink it. 150 an hour. 150 an hour?! What the fuck? That was more than Sebastian paid him! ‘If you want, I could come over on Thursday? I work nights though, I know that’s a pain. But I could start early!’

Robin agreed, and they set the time for five in the afternoon, which meant Alex would have to get up a fair bit earlier to get everything ready. He was super nervous. He wanted to ask if Sebastian knew and couldn’t bring himself to. Moms made him nervous.

‘Also,’ Robin said, as she turned to leave, ‘Demetrius can be fussy about...cleaning, so make sure you check with him before doing anything in his laboratory, all right?’

‘Of course.’

‘Good, good.’ Robin smiled.

Your son fucked me on Saturday, Alex thought inanely. He was glad no one in this fucking town could read minds, or he’d have evaporated into nothingness a long time ago.

‘See you soon!’ Robin said, waving."

*

Woo! I'm on Tumblr, also! we may have a burrowing frog (don't know which species yet) in our back garden. They burrow a metre under the earth and lay their eggs like, in the earth without water. And then wait sometimes years for enough rain to come to flood the whole burrow, at which point the tadpoles hatch and just...deal with it, I guess.

Life is weird. But I feel like Sebastian would want me to share this fact with you all

Chapter 38: Relentless Intersections

Notes:

Note: Some very gendered stereotypes are being navigated in this chapter, sometimes well and sometimes poorly, because Alex dslkjf

Added the tags: Demetrius critical, as well as Pam/Pierre/Farmer critical, to join the Mayor Lewis/Abigail critical tags. I don't like most of the cast of SDV, unfortunately x.x

When Alex got home, he felt a new layer of despair slide softly into him, a melancholy that weighed him down and made him go straight to bed, because he couldn’t face the day anymore. He was sore and tired. He was staring down the barrel of feeling something stronger for someone who just wanted a distraction and didn’t want any kind of serious commitment. Alex was too scared to even think about what it would look like to be in a relationship with Sebastian, because the guy had made it so clear he wasn’t interested. 

So he wasn’t a virgin anymore, and he didn’t feel more worldly, and he didn’t feel like he was any closer to getting over Sebastian. The guy had made him salmon pasta, for fuck’s sake. Alex could’ve lived off that for the rest of his life. 

He couldn’t talk to Haley about it, at least not soon. It was her birthday the next day. He needed to stay focused on her. He didn’t think he could tell Harvey, because the idea of telling anyone he got railed by his ex-school bully made him want to scream. 

He felt lonely. 

The idea of not being able to go back to Sebastian’s now until his next cleaning shift sat in him painfully. For the first time, he didn’t want to wait. He didn’t want to be stuck in this house, full of memories and probably ghosts, waiting for the next time he’d see Sebastian again.

It was pathetic. 

He turned over and fell asleep.

*

Haley unwrapped the wooden shelves and looked at Alex with shining eyes. Her hair was up in a half ponytail, and she had pink crystal butterflies in it, which were probably a gift from someone else because he’d never seen them before. 

‘I don’t know if you can use them,’ Alex said. 

‘I totally will,’ Haley said. ‘They’re so delicate. It doesn’t look like Leah’s work at all.’ 

‘It’s Willie’s,’ Alex admitted. ‘He’s real good at that sort of woodworking. I guess Robin could have done them, too. But Willie enjoys bending the wood and making it pretty, and I think he misses shipbuilding ever since he made that boat for the farmer.’ 

‘I know exactly what nail polishes I want to put in here. This is so cool! Thank you.’ 

Haley put the shelf down and came over, hugging him tightly. Alex’s smile was wan. He’d woken on Sunday morning with his hips feeling like they had rocks grinding inside of them, hamstrings unhappy, ass sore. He felt like death. But he’d gotten Haley’s presents and card together and walked over. He wore a scarf to hide the hickey on his neck even though it wasn’t exactly cold enough to wear a scarf anymore. 

‘You not feeling well?’ Haley said, hand reaching out and scrunching one of the scarf tails. ‘Never see you in a scarf if you can avoid it.’ 

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, looking towards the closed door. He turned back and took a breath and took the scarf off. 

Haley gasped. A full-on fucking gasp. ‘No. Oh, my goodness. No way. Did Sebastian do that to you?’

‘Who else, Hales?’ Alex said flatly. 

‘That’s a- Wow.’ She giggled. ‘He really went for it, huh?’

‘It fucking hurts,’ Alex said. ‘I didn’t know they hurt.’ 

‘I don’t think many do, but that’s pretty intense.’

‘He’d laugh if he heard you say that,’ Alex said. He sat down on Haley’s bed when she gestured him over to it, and she sat on the white stool by her vanity, impish and excited. She didn’t seem sad to be getting older at all. He’d asked her about that once, because he assumed if anyone would get super upset about it, it’d be Haley. But she’d pointed out that getting old was a privilege and seemed really mature about it. ‘I’m gonna have this for like a week at least.’

‘At least,’ Haley agreed. ‘I can use some concealer or... Actually, I don’t think my make-up skills are good enough for something like that. I know people do cover-ups, but that’s not my area. You might just have to wear the scarf. I mean, not many people will see you anyway, since you’re such a loner. Has Sebastian seen it?’

‘He did it yesterday, so, uh, no.’

‘He’s gonna love it.’ 

‘Guys are weird,’ Alex muttered under his breath. 

‘Yeah, actually, speaking of... I went over to Sam’s yesterday. It was nice, actually? We had a great talk. He’s grown up a lot, hasn’t he?’ 

‘Wait... Are you-? Wait, are you into Sam?’ 

‘I’m just keeping my options open,’ Haley said, grinning. 

‘But isn’t he into Penny?’ 

‘Oh no,’ Haley said. ‘Penny’s into Maru now.’

‘What?’ 

Haley laughed. ‘Don’t tell anyone. I only worked it out myself about a week ago. And I don’t know if it’s legit or anything. I’m just getting a vibe. And like a vibe I’ve had before with someone else I know.’ She looked at him meaningfully and Alex flushed. 

‘How’d you-? How?’ 

Alex wanted to be a fly on the wall in Haley’s life sometimes and see the world through her eyes. She noticed so fucking much, like all the goddamn time. 

‘It’s just, well, ever since high school they’ve been hanging out on that bench some afternoons and talking, right? I think they have more in common than it seems on the surface. They’re both really smart and like reading and teaching. Even though Maru doesn’t love teaching kids, and Penny doesn’t love robotics, the themes are the same. And then, on top of that, they have complicated home lives. Even if Maru is Demetrius’ favourite, she still has to deal with the way her dad treats Sebastian, which isn’t great. Penny has Pam. I don’t need to say more about Pam.’

‘The only thing I want to say about Pam is like, “That’s a perfect fit” when we put her in the trash one day.’

‘Alex...come on, that’s mean,’ Haley said. 

‘I’m mean,’ Alex said, annoyed. ‘How’s she still going when she drinks as much as she does, anyway? Like, where’s the fucking pancreatitis already?’ 

Haley sighed, but she nodded like she agreed. Maybe it was mean to be so spiteful towards Pam, but she was the town drunk, and his tolerance of any kind of alcoholism was in the negatives and likely always would be. 

‘Anyway,’ Alex said. ‘Penny’s into Maru, huh? That’s- But is Maru even...?’

‘If you ask me, I’d say Maru’s way more into girls than anyone’s ever known. And Sam was sweet. He said he knew it was my birthday and then said he didn’t get me anything, because we aren’t that close, but that he could play me a song if I wanted. Isn’t that super nice? People pay for tickets to his shows, and he played me an acoustic song, and I was so happy it wasn’t ridiculously loud.’ 

‘Wait, he played for you?’ Alex said in alarm. ‘Are you like really into him now? Girls are into that shit, right?’

‘Like you wouldn’t be if Sebastian played you a song on the keyboard? I don’t know, it was nice hanging out in his room like we were teenagers again. It wasn’t like he was cracking onto me or anything. He was nice. Plus, I’ve always liked Jodi. She’s sweet in a really neurotic way and she always lets me have veto power over how she does her nails.’ 

Alex didn’t know what to think about Haley and Sam becoming friends, after such a long time of them being neighbours and almost never seeing each other beyond saying hello occasionally, and the few times Alex was there to watch Haley throw rocks at Sam’s bedroom window because the band was practicing too loud. 

‘Did you and Sebastian talk?’ Haley added. 

‘I guess.’

‘That’s not promising.’

‘It’s your birthday. How about we talk about your birthday?’

‘Let’s do that, Alex! I got some really thoughtful presents, a stupid plush chicken from my dumbass I-could-not-be-more-in-love-with-Shane-if-I-tried sister and I’m another year older. All done. We talked about it! Alex, please just...try, with Sebastian, okay? Just talk to him.’ 

‘I spent my whole life hardly talking to anyone and now it’s all anyone ever tells me to do. I’m tired of it. And there’s no point, Haley. He doesn’t want a relationship. He doesn’t want commitment. He just wants someone to fuck sometimes. I’m around, and I like him.’

‘Alex...’

‘So why can’t I just have some fun?’ 

‘Is it fun?’ Haley asked quietly. 

‘I mean it’s... I mean- Actually it’s pretty intense.’ Alex laughed to himself. ‘It’s pretty fucking intense.’ 

‘Do you wish you could tell people? About, you know, being gay, or liking Sebastian?’ 

‘Who would I tell? Pam? Yeah, no thanks.’ 

‘Sebastian’s family, maybe. The farmer, while you flip him off.’

They laughed. Alex rolled his eyes. ‘I’m good, Hales. I’m good. And I’m not talking as much as everyone wants me to, but I’m definitely talking more than I used to, okay? Back off. Tell me something about your nail polishes.’

‘Can I paint your nails?’ Haley said suddenly, eyes lighting up. 

‘Hales...’

‘It’s my birthday,’ she said, pouting, batting her eyelashes. Alex grimaced, stared down at his bitten fingernails, then sighed. He was so weak when it came to her, and she hardly ever asked to do them.

‘Okay,’ he said. ‘Whatever you can do with these, enjoy. You know it’s just going to chip off in a few days, anyway.’ 

‘Yay,’ Haley said, bouncing over, and Alex smiled helplessly as she looked over his nails and started taking care of them, while he helplessly wished he was at Sebastian’s house. Because that’s who he was now, someone who just wanted to be there all the fucking time. He hoped Sebastian thought of him too sometimes, they might as well both be fucked up together. But the reality was Sebastian would be working, and Alex was just a desperate loser.

*

Monday passed in a weird fog, and on Tuesday Alex realised he’d have to take off his scarf while he cleaned Jodi’s house, and she was going to see the hickey. When he turned up, he felt nervous as anything, but she didn’t comment on it even though she clearly saw it, because her eyes widened. Maybe she just assumed Alex was with Haley or something.

Jodi followed him around again. The house was cleaner than it was the first time he’d come over. 

‘You’ve been cleaning?’ Alex said, and then he smirked. ‘That’s my job, ma’am.’ 

‘It’s just been a little easier to feel house-proud again,’ Jodi admitted, and smiled sweetly. ‘I haven’t done much, because there’s a lot to keep up with, but I didn’t want to see your hard work go to waste.’

‘No, it’s cool. I mean, you don’t have to do it every time, but this means I can focus on a few more things today.’

‘Today.’ Jodi laughed. ‘It’s night-time. Do you miss being awake during the day? You used to be a real sun magnet when you were younger, always at the beach, or by the ice cream stand, making the most of the sunshine.’

‘Heh, yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I guess I miss it sometimes. The night’s pretty cool too. And summer nights can be really nice when they get all balmy and warm.’ 

‘Kent and I used to go down to the beach a lot when it was like that,’ Jodi said, and smiled wistfully. Her expression turned troubled, and Alex wanted to ask about it, but he was really only there for a short time and unlike Sebastian’s house - which was easy to get through because it never got that messy again - Jodi’s house needed a lot more care. 

He got stuck into things, and Jodi occasionally asked him about cleaning products, or marvelled at how easily he got a stain to come off, and Alex wondered if she’d hover like this every time. He didn’t mind, exactly, but her presence was strong, and he was so used to being able to zone out while he worked. 

‘So, that hickey is something!’ Jodi said, towards the end. 

Alex felt the tips of his ears turn hot. 

‘I wouldn’t have thought Haley was the kind of girl to do something like that.’

Alex thought Jodi would be surprised what kind of shit Haley was into, actually. ‘She’s not,’ Alex said. ‘I mean, this isn’t- She didn’t.’

‘Oh! Goodness! Sorry, I just assumed... I’m sorry!’

‘We’re best friends,’ Alex said, and smiled as he emptied the dust and crap from the vacuum cleaner into the trash outside. ‘That’ll never change. But we’re not like- We’re not like that.’

‘No? You’d make such a cute couple. Haley’s beautiful, and she’s really matured I think! It’s so nice getting my nails done with her. Speaking of, I couldn’t help but notice...’

Jodi gave his nails a pointed look, and Alex laughed. In the end, Haley had painted them a pale yellow that shaded to a darker ochres. She’d painted little daffodils on his thumbnails and his index finger. He thought it was super fucking girly, and he’d complained about it while secretly kind of digging it. He thought Grandma Evelyn would laugh and admire them if she could see them now. 

‘I can’t say no to her on her birthday,’ Alex said. 

‘You never seemed like that kind of guy.’ 

That kind of guy? Alex felt scared for a moment. Like...like a gay kind of guy? Because this was gay shit, wasn’t it? 

‘Yeah?’ Alex said neutrally. 

‘You always seemed too macho and into sports to indulge a girl like that. It’s very sweet. You’re going to make a girl really happy one day, if you let her have little indulgences like that.’ 

‘Oh, yeah, I guess,’ Alex said. 

Well, fuck. It felt really uncomfortable now, not saying anything. In the past, it felt better being quiet, but now it just felt wrong. He wouldn’t make a girl really happy one day. He wasn’t aiming for that. He didn’t look at girls and think about visiting their house every fucking day. He didn’t look at a girl and wonder how it’d feel if she fucked him in the ass. He thought for a brief time that he was bisexual, but it faded over time, and now it was just guys. It was Sebastian, and sometimes others, like Sam and David. All these fucking guys taking over his brain. 

But if Alex wasn’t the kind of guy to let his nails get painted, he definitely wasn’t the kind of guy to be gay. He wasn’t ready for Sam’s reaction, or Vincent’s reaction, or - shit - Kent’s reaction, let alone Jodi’s. And if he told her, she’d tell the fucking town. She’d tell everyone. 

Alex swallowed, and turned the conversation back onto Jodi, asking her about her romance with Kent, and felt shivery and too close to exposure for the rest of the evening. At the end of the night, when they booked another cleaning session, he felt relieved that he didn’t have to stay. He walked home, touching his fingers to the hickey, wondering if he hated or loved that Sebastian had left his mark on him. 

*

Alex got in the door, put the kettle on, and felt unreasonably excited when he heard a knock, thinking it must be Sebastian. 

He opened the door, and there stood Robin. Sebastian’s mom. 

‘Hi!’ Robin said. ‘I caught you! Jodi just messaged to say you’d headed home, and I wanted to ask if you have an opening to deal with a house absolutely covered in sawdust. It gets everywhere, Alex. I really mean...everywhere.’ 

Alex nodded and stared at her. Okay, maybe he wasn’t bisexual, but Sebastian’s mom was fucking fit. Unlike Sebastian, she had cool red hair, though Alex realised Sebastian kind of had her eyebrows, and the same dark green eyes, though Robin’s eyes were more obviously green, and Sebastian’s just looked black until sunlight was shining directly into them, like black marbles that had cool colour effects when held up to the light. 

‘Sebastian’s house looks like it comes out of a catalogue,’ Robin sighed. ‘It’s amazing. I’ve seen what he traipses in from the mines. I wish he wouldn’t do that. Anyway, I can pay you 150 an hour, because my house is dirtier than most, and it’s huge! I’d want the bathrooms and kitchen done, the woodworking workshop vacuumed out and the shelves wiped down, and all the floors vacuumed. It’d be great if you could also strip and change the beds, and clean the windows. They get really dusty on the mountain, and I hate cleaning them. Is that too much?’

‘No, I can do all of that,’ Alex said, trying not to overthink it. 150 an hour. 150 an hour?! What the fuck? That was more than Sebastian paid him! ‘If you want, I could come over on Thursday? I work nights though, I know that’s a pain. But I could start early!’ 

Robin agreed, and they set the time for five in the afternoon, which meant Alex would have to get up a fair bit earlier to get everything ready. He was super nervous. He wanted to ask if Sebastian knew and couldn’t bring himself to. Moms made him nervous. 

‘Also,’ Robin said, as she turned to leave, ‘Demetrius can be fussy about...cleaning, so make sure you check with him before doing anything in his laboratory, all right?’

‘Of course.’

‘Good, good.’ Robin smiled. 

Your son fucked me on Saturday, Alex thought inanely. He was glad no one in this fucking town could read minds, or he’d have evaporated into nothingness a long time ago. 

‘See you soon!’ Robin said, waving. 

Alex waved back and then closed the front door and leaned against it. He felt stressed, and then realised tomorrow he was cleaning Sebastian’s, and the stress skyrocketed, but his dick got hard, and he knocked his forehead against the door a couple of times. 

‘It’s fine,’ Alex said to himself. ‘This is all fine.’ 

Notes:

In our next chapter, An Ungentle Fall:

"‘I hope you understand that even if whatever you do is good enough for him, or even for my wife, I still understand very well that you’re not educated in this job and are barely educated at all. I’ll be watching you to make sure you don’t bully my daughter or try to take advantage of us.’

Alex’s mouth was dry. His throat clicked as he swallowed.

Here it was. Here was someone who remembered his reputation because of his father. Here was someone who knew how stupid Alex was and wasn’t afraid to point it out.

‘Of course, sir,’ Alex said reflexively.

‘You look like someone who’s been caught out,’ Demetrius said. ‘I’ll tell Robin about this conversation later.’

Alex nodded.

‘You were very lucky your grandparents could take you in the way they did,’ Demetrius added. ‘Do you think they’d be proud of you, knowing you’re doing the job you’re doing now?’"

*

I'm on Tumblr! Also the hiatus is over in July and we're back to two Stain updates a month HUZZAH

Chapter 39: An Ungentle Fall

Notes:

Note: This fic is Demetrius critical (it exaggerates what ConcernedApe sets up in the canon, re: Demetrius playing favourites and being unkind to newcomers who show an interest in his family), so a heads up to folks who love him – I’ve updated the author’s notes in the first chapter to make it clear that in being Demetrius critical, this fic unfortunately perpetuates a racist Black stereotype re: representations of fatherhood. The fic has been unsubtly Demetrius critical since the very beginning, but for the folks who missed it and/or don't want to read it getting worse, here's the heads up to get out now if you need to!

*

They said it wouldn't rain here today but it's been raining, and it's been so lovely and cool (it's winter here). Also Separation Anxiety dog training is the worst. *stares fixedly at the rain instead*

Wednesday night, Alex walked into Sebastian’s house and felt strange. Not excited and amped like the last few times, but wary and uncomfortable. They’d fucked, and it’d been intense but good, and then…nothing.

For all Sebastian talked about how they didn’t have to fuck while Alex was working, it was like nothing existed around them the rest of the time.

Because he doesn’t want a relationship, dickhead.

Sebastian had his headphones on as Alex walked past him, vibing to some beat, deep into what looked like computer coding hell. The yellow rubber duck had moved next to his computer mouse. Alex thought about telling him he was cleaning his mom’s place the next day but decided against interrupting him.

He paused at stupid intervals while cleaning Sebastian’s room to stare at the bed. They’d fucked there. In the bathroom, he stared at the shower where he’d soaped his sore asshole, remembering come on his fingers and the sensation of trying to push it out so it didn’t all come out later. Even once he’d gotten home, he’d still leaked some.

Was it weird Sebastian hadn’t contacted him at all to see how he was doing?

It wasn’t weird if they were fuck-buddies, was it?

Even if it was Alex’s first time, it wasn’t weird…right?

‘You’re pathetic,’ Alex murmured.

He was in love, and he wanted the follow-up text messages, apparently. Lame. Fucking lame.

He finished up and walked down the corridor, thinking how quickly someone could get used to something, because he felt Sebastian’s absence acutely even though they were working in the same house. Maybe Alex was a dead lay. Maybe Sebastian wanted to go back to being boss and employee.

Sebastian was still working when Alex came out and it was such a shock that Alex stood there. He mentally shook himself. What, he expected to get fed by Sebastian? How stupid was that? He took the gold off the counter and headed towards the front door, trying to ignore the growing pressure in his chest that felt nasty and mean.

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said suddenly. ‘Is it that time already? Shit.’

Alex turned to Sebastian yanking his headphones off, reaching hurriedly for the speakers as loud, thuddy music sounded through the earpieces.

‘You’ll go deaf listening at that volume.’

‘Sorry. This code has been the worst. It’s not coming together today. Are you finished already?’

He looked at his computer and must have been checking the time.

‘Oh, fuck. I didn’t make lunch for you today. I’m-’

‘You don’t pay me to feed me lunch,’ Alex said, mouth dry.

Was it bad? How relieved he felt? Was it bad that he liked the expression on Sebastian’s face?

‘Uh, also,’ Alex said, ‘did your mom tell you I’m cleaning her house tomorrow?’

Sebastian’s face did something that Alex wasn’t sure he’d seen before. But it was alarming because it wasn’t good. Alex swallowed. Sebastian didn’t know. He didn’t know, and he wasn’t happy about it.

‘When did that happen?’ Sebastian said, frowning.

‘Like yesterday. She came over.’

‘I- Okay. Sure.’

‘Is it a problem?’

‘Why would it be a problem?’ Sebastian said, like nothing had happened. Like he was fine with it.

‘I…don’t know.’

Were they going to talk about how they fucked a few days ago at all? Or was the conversation they had immediately afterwards all there was going to be? Was Sebastian even going to notice the hickey? Alex rubbed the back of his neck and felt short of breath. He wanted to go outside and gulp down air.

‘I didn’t know Mom even wanted a cleaner,’ Sebastian said. ‘She’s never had one before.’

‘Guess my reputation is just that good,’ Alex said, rolling his eyes at himself.

‘I guess,’ Sebastian said, frowning like it was a puzzle he couldn’t figure out. ‘Sorry. It’s fine, of course.’

‘Sure seems that way,’ Alex said, frowning.

‘No, it’s- Sorry. You’ve felt very separate to that side of my life and it’s weird to think you’ll be in the house I grew up in tomorrow, and I won’t be there. That’s- I don’t know, that’s- Honestly, it’s probably just the day I’ve had. Don’t mess with Demetrius’ lab and you’ll be fine.’

‘She already told me that,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. ‘Cool. Well. See you in a few days.’

Now Alex was in a worse pit than he’d been in on his way out before. He nodded awkwardly and left, wondering what happened to Sebastian walking down the corridor and touching him like he had to have him. Hadn’t Alex said he liked that? And now…

Was this normal for something casual?

Alex walked home feeling out of sorts, and eventually he realised he wanted to talk to someone about it, but he didn’t want to reach out to Dr Harvey, and he didn’t want to tell Haley, which left no one.

‘You love him and he doesn’t love you back, loser,’ Alex muttered to himself, shoving his hands into his pockets. ‘Of course it fucking sucks.’

*

Robin’s house was huge. Like…huge. It was fucking covered in sawdust. It was everywhere. Dug in between the tiles, stomped down into the grout in the bathrooms, in the exhaust fans, on the windowsills, the window frames, and Alex stared at it all in amazement at one point, because like…

How?

It wasn’t like she did woodwork in every single room.

As he vacuumed out the woodworking studio, he coughed from the sawdust, and realised he should probably wear a mask. He drank down the worst of it with water and felt pretty satisfied at how the room looked once he was done. Even if he had to empty the vacuum three times just from the studio. Unlike Sebastian’s house, this wasn’t going to stay pretty clean between visits. God. He did not feel like a professional at all in this house. He felt like some newbie dumbass who didn’t know what he was doing.

When he got to Maru’s room, he realised there were computer and robotic parts everywhere, and hesitated. He walked to the kitchen where he’d seen her last. She was still there, reading a book on something called mechatronics. It seemed like a really heavy book.

‘Oh, hi!’ Maru said, her brown cheeks flushing as she saw him, hand fluttering to her hair. ‘You looking for Mom?’

‘Uh, no, I’m looking for you,’ Alex said. Abruptly, he remembered Sebastian saying Maru used to have a crush on him. And then he remembered Haley saying Maru and Penny might be a thing. Fucking hell. He wasn’t equipped to know this kind of information. ‘So, you have, um, stuff in your room, and I don’t want to disturb it.’

‘Um, yeah.’ Maru laughed, and her expression genuinely relaxed. ‘Mom didn’t tell me you were coming over to clean until today. She’s the worst sometimes. You can leave my room.’

‘Are you sure?’ Alex said. ‘I can vacuum around stuff. And it’s easy to strip and redo your bed.’

‘No, I know I’m going to have little bits and pieces all around the place. I just need to get on my hands and knees and have a look. You can leave my room this time if that’s okay?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, and smiled.

‘I like all the clutter,’ she added. ‘The chaos helps me find things. Anyway, how are you finding cleaning Sebastian’s house? And Sebastian? What’s he like as a boss?’

‘Fine,’ Alex said. ‘He mostly works.’

‘He’s always been like that. Even when we were younger. I mean, he had the things he was interested in, like certain kinds of gaming, but…’ Maru’s expression turned distant. ‘Do you think he’s happy? Sorry! That’s probably not something I should ask you. It’s just he doesn’t talk to me. I never would have thought you two would become like, conversational, let alone you working for him.’

‘Oh, uh, he’s…well, I think he’s happy. He has friends visit, and sometimes they play games. He’s really confident about his job.’

‘Yeah,’ Maru said, looking sad. ‘I’m glad.’

Alex frowned.

‘Sorry,’ she said again. ‘I just- He lives close by, and I miss him. I visit sometimes, but I don’t know if he wants me there. Ah, the verbal diarrhea. I’m over sharing, I know. You just wanted to know if you could clean my room or not.’

It was hard to know what to say. Alex wanted to reassure her. She looked like she’d been carrying this sadness with her for a long time. Alex knew about carrying sadness, and he knew how heavy it could feel.

‘He’s never said a single bad word about you,’ Alex said.

‘Because he hardly ever talks about me, right? Oh well.’ She looked past Alex’s shoulder to the hallway and then sighed. Alex looked behind him but couldn’t see anyone. Demetrius was in the laboratory, and Robin was doing something outside. ‘It’s so strange that we’re both geeks about computer stuff and it’s like we’re light years apart sometimes. I could travel to the moon sooner than I could get to my brother. Well. Anyway. Maybe tell him I say hi, the next time you see him? You’ll see him before I do.’

‘Sure,’ Alex said, swallowing. ‘Of course.’

‘And you? Are you okay after everything? Your grandparents and…everything.’

Alex thought she had such a soft way of looking at him. It was kind, and it was gentle. He abruptly could see how she and Penny would work out if she swung in that direction. Penny had that softness, that gentleness.

Alex wondered how Maru would react if he said Sebastian had fucked him. He wished he could stop thinking about it, but no, apparently this would cross his mind every time he saw someone connected to Sebastian. He was glad he’d remembered to wear a plaster over the hickey today, because no one had reacted to it so far. He’d picked all the nail polish off his nails, scared of how he might be judged for it. For some reason Sebastian’s family knowing about that stuff freaked him out.

‘I am,’ Alex said finally.

‘It’s not the same without them at the festivals,’ Maru said. ‘And when I go to the town, I keep expecting to see Evelyn everywhere, and she’s not in all the places I look for her. It must be worse for you.’

Maybe it was worse that it wasn’t like that for Alex at all. His grief wasn’t in those places. It was between the floorboards and the wooden panels of the house, in the sighs of the creaking roof and the way the wind pushed against the house sometimes. It was in the way he reflexively went to open the curtains for Grandma Evelyn at the end of the night, when the sun was about to rise, so she would have light in the morning. It was in the way he couldn’t often bring himself to change the channel from the one Grandpa George often set the television to.

‘Anyway,’ Maru said, and smiled as though she knew everything Alex was thinking, ‘you can leave my room for today. Mom’ll understand. Me and Dad are both fussy about things.’

‘Sure,’ Alex said.

She smiled, and he continued on with his cleaning.

*

Towards the end of the shift, he hovered at the entrance to the laboratory, wondering if he could at least vacuum and then mop the tiles. Demetrius was there, wearing a dark blue sweater and black trousers, looking over some test tubes. It took at least a couple of minutes for him to look up and see Alex, his expression puzzled.

‘Can I help you?’ Demetrius said.

‘Uh, sorry, sir, I was wondering if there was anything- If I could vacuum and mop in here.’

‘Oh no, you couldn’t possibly keep this room as clean as it requires, and you’ll likely make it even dirtier. Sebastian said you’re new to cleaning, there is no way you will have trained in keeping a laboratory space sanitary.’

Alex stood there, momentarily stunned. ‘Sure,’ he said finally.

Demetrius put down the test tube with careful fingers, and then turned to face Alex again, and Alex felt his whole body tense.

‘You used to bully my stepson badly,’ Demetrius said, gaze steady and unflinching. ‘It seems quite irrational to me he’d take you on as a cleaner now, and that you’d accept such a job. I hope you haven’t strong-armed him into it.’

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘It was his idea.’

‘I hope you understand that even if whatever you do is good enough for him, or even for my wife, I still understand very well that you’re not educated in this job and are barely educated at all. I’ll be watching you to make sure you don’t bully my daughter or try to take advantage of us.’

Alex’s mouth was dry. His throat clicked as he swallowed.

Here it was. Here was someone who remembered his reputation because of his father. Here was someone who knew how stupid Alex was and wasn’t afraid to point it out.

‘Of course, sir,’ Alex said reflexively.

‘You look like someone who’s been caught out,’ Demetrius said. ‘I’ll tell Robin about this conversation later.’

Alex nodded.

‘You were very lucky your grandparents could take you in the way they did,’ Demetrius added. ‘Do you think they’d be proud of you, knowing you’re doing the job you’re doing now?’

Alex couldn’t speak. Robin was paying him 150 gold an hour. Sebastian talked about cleaning like it was a worthwhile job. What the fuck was Demetrius even on? Alex was paralysed.

‘Perhaps no one’s ever had high expectations for you, young man,’ Demetrius said, turning back to his test tubes. ‘Make sure that doesn’t rub off on my stepson.’

Was there anything to say in response to that? Alex backed out of the laboratory and stood in the hallway, silently trying to catch his breath. He hadn’t felt like this in ages. His heart felt fluttery in the worst way, and he packed everything away and went to find Robin outside, because the laboratory had been the last thing.

He couldn’t remember exactly what he said to her. Probably that he was finished, and she could inspect everything and decide if it was good enough. As she came back into the house with him, Alex felt a sinking horror when Demetrius joined them.

‘I don’t think you have the same eye for precision I do,’ Demetrius said to Robin.

‘I don’t need things to be exact!’ Robin said with a fond exasperation. ‘I need the sawdust gone.’

Demetrius nodded, and Alex trailed behind them.

Demetrius found fault with everything. He found sawdust on top of the drawer handles because Alex hadn’t thought to clean those. He found some in a corner that Alex had gone over two times and then had to give up on because of time constraints, reminding himself he could do a better job next time. And as Robin exclaimed happily over everything, and treated her husband’s fussing like an affectionate quirk, Demetrius levelled Alex with a stern, disappointed look as he pointed out all of Alex’s mistakes in his cleaning.

‘This is why you can’t clean the laboratory,’ Demetrius said at the end.

‘I already covered that,’ Robin said, laughing. ‘No one’s going to touch your lab except for you, dear. And Maru.’

‘Just so,’ he said. ‘We can look for another cleaner tomorrow.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ Robin said, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. ‘Alex, you did great! Let’s go into the kitchen and talk about another time you can come over.’

Demetrius grimaced and walked off – presumably back to his laboratory – and Alex followed and nodded at the right times during the conversation and agreed to come back on the following Thursday and walked out with his hands shaking. His pocket was heavy with gold, and he could hear his breathing getting louder the further he got away from their house.

He faced Sebastian’s house. He wanted so badly to go over there but couldn’t say why.

Abruptly, he crouched down there in the dark, breathing strangling up into something sharp that expressed itself through the burning wetness in his eyes, the tightness in his throat. He squatted on the soil, by a pine tree, and stuffed the top of his shirt into his mouth because he was afraid of the sounds he’d make if he didn’t remind himself to shut the fuck up.

The episode lasted a while. Long enough that his shirt was soaked when he pulled it out of his mouth, and enough that his legs fucking killed him when he stood straight again.

He felt seen. He felt seen for the ugly sack of shit that he was. And he felt small, and disgusting, and when he got home, he went straight to his bed and laid down on it – sneakers hanging over the side because they weren’t clean – and tried not to cry again.

The feeling of flunking an exam, of being too stupid to read the section the teacher asked him to read aloud to the class, of being a failure, it weighed down on him until he couldn’t breathe.

He’d thought he was good at cleaning. He’d thought he’d somehow impress Sebastian’s family the way he did Sebastian and Jodi.

It had felt good to be competent at something aside from sports and weight lifting, which no one else gave a shit about.

It had felt good…

Alex swallowed down the wrenching sounds in his chest that wanted to come free, kicked off his sneakers, and hugged the pillow close to his face with both arms, missing his grandparents, his mom, and wishing that it didn’t feel so fucking spot on when someone pointed out how stupid he was.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Hard Tumbling Tales:

"‘Hey,’ Sebastian said. ‘What’s up?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, walking past him into the corridor.

Sebastian stood up behind him, the chair creaking. ‘Hang on.’

‘Can’t a guy just fucking clean?’ Alex snapped, turning around quickly, glaring, and Sebastian froze, staring at him with wide eyes. Alex stilled, he never talked to people like that. Okay, maybe when he was a teenager, and he wanted to make Sebastian hurt for all the shit he said, but not anymore. ‘Shit. Sorry.’

‘You look terrible,’ Sebastian said. ‘Like you haven’t slept at all.’

‘I have a headache,’ Alex said, rubbing at his forehead. ‘That’s all. I’ve had a headache since yesterday.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr!

Chapter 40: Hard Tumbling Tales

Notes:

Oh we've all definitely earned some catharsis and some comfort

Friday was a bullshit day. Alex couldn’t concentrate. He went online and found laboratory cleaning videos and realised Demetrius was right; he was nowhere near the standard needed to clean a laboratory. He tried to force himself to read articles on it, made himself get a headache, told himself he was so, so fucking stupid, and didn’t let himself stop until he had sharp stabbing pains behind his eyes from the words and letters flipping and jittering so badly.

He thought about reaching out to Dr Harvey. But wasn’t that just using him? And what would he say? That Demetrius pointed out he couldn’t do something he couldn’t actually do? What was the point of getting upset about that?

Alex paced through the house, thought about what Demetrius must have been like for Sebastian. Probably fine, right? But it wasn’t. It wasn’t. Alex had given him shit for it when they’d been teenagers. Everyone knew Demetrius doted on his daughter and completely blanked his stepson. Everyone knew.

Alex realised he’d gone at Sebastian about that repeatedly and felt like he owed the guy an apology.

Mostly, he didn’t want to go back to Robin’s the next Thursday. Demetrius worked from home. He’d probably always be there. Alex had a feeling Demetrius would ensure he was always around to judge Alex’s cleaning.

The headache didn’t leave, and Alex had planned earlier in the week to go out at sunset and make the most of the spring flowers, but all he did was fritter away his agitation in useless activities at home, waiting for time to pass, hoping things would improve.

*

He walked into Sebastian’s on Saturday, and opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. Sebastian turned to him, sliding his headphones off. He looked less intense today. Less stressed about his computer code.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said. ‘What’s up?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, walking past him into the corridor.

Sebastian stood up behind him, the chair creaking. ‘Hang on.’

‘Can’t a guy just fucking clean?’ Alex snapped, turning around quickly, glaring, and Sebastian froze, staring at him with wide eyes. Alex stilled, he never talked to people like that. Okay, maybe when he was a teenager, and he wanted to make Sebastian hurt for all the shit he said, but not anymore. ‘Shit. Sorry.’

‘You look terrible,’ Sebastian said. ‘Like you haven’t slept at all.’

‘I have a headache,’ Alex said, rubbing at his forehead. ‘That’s all. I’ve had a headache since yesterday.’

‘For like a whole day?’ Sebastian said. ‘Is that normal?’

‘For me it is,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘It’s stupid. I tried to read some articles yesterday morning. It was dumb. I’m dumb.’

Sebastian came closer, and Alex’s shoulders hunched.

‘Could you take the day off?’ Sebastian said. ‘Twenty-four hours is a long time to have a headache. Are you sure they’re not migraines?’

‘I don’t fucking know.’

‘Do you always get headaches like this when you read? Did you get them when you were younger? Here, come and sit down.’

‘You…’ Alex didn’t resist when Sebastian took his wrist and pulled him to the front of the house, into the lounge. Alex sank down on the couch, aware of the exhaustion in his body, wishing he’d gotten a better night’s sleep.

‘You could give me some answers,’ Sebastian said, sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

Alex squinted at him, then shrugged. ‘Not always, just if I push myself and the text is small. And yeah, I got them as a kid.’

‘You look like you’re in pain. And not in the hot way.’

‘Thanks, dickhead.’

Sebastian smirked, then went back to looking concerned. Alex stared somewhere past him, then his head tipped back so it was resting on the couch cushion, and he could stare up at the ceiling. He could take the day off. Robin had paid him a ton. It wasn’t like he knew what to do with all the gold he was accumulating.

‘Demetrius must’ve been… No wait, I wanted to say sorry for all the fucked up shit I said about how he treated you when we were younger,’ Alex said.

‘He must’ve been what?’

‘A shit to live with,’ Alex said. ‘That’s all. He was, wasn’t he?’

‘I mean, he mostly didn’t notice me,’ Sebastian said, ‘when he wasn’t pointing out everything I was doing wrong or letting me know all the things I couldn’t do or shouldn’t be doing.’

‘Yeah.’

‘What happened at Mom’s? Did he say something to you?’

‘Do you wanna just fuck?’

A long silence and Alex looked at him, and Sebastian was giving him the flattest stare Alex had ever seen.

‘That’s a no, huh?’ Alex said.

‘Dude- Alex, you come here looking like you’ve been pulled through ten knotholes, and you-’

‘So don’t look at my face or something.’

Sebastian stared in disbelief and then laughed without humour. ‘That’s so not what I’m trying to say, and I think you know it. Stop deflecting for like a second.’

‘No,’ Alex muttered, looking away.

‘We’re not gonna fuck when you look like you’re suffering, and you drop this shit about Demetrius being bad to live with the day after you clean their house. It’s the first time you’ve ever brought him up like that. What did he do?’

‘Nothing,’ Alex said.

‘Don’t lie to me. Come on, you were doing really well, opening up to me just then. Don’t shut it down now.’

Sebastian sounded strangely desperate, and Alex curled into the couch and felt like he was failing at being an employee, sitting here like a lump. Were they even friends? Acquaintances? Were they just casual fuck-buddies?

‘It’s stupid,’ Alex said. ‘He wasn’t wrong.’

‘Okay, you know how I can be pushy?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I’m going to do it now,’ Sebastian said, edging closer to the end of the coffee table until their knees touched. ‘Alex, tell me what happened.’

His voice firmed, and it sounded more like an actual order, and Alex felt weak, like he couldn’t stand up to it. Like…maybe he didn’t even want to.

‘I don’t want to talk bad about your stepfather.’

‘I fucking do,’ Sebastian said, and laughed darkly. ‘Tell me.’

‘I don’t talk about stuff like this.’

‘I know,’ Sebastian said, which surprised Alex. ‘I know you don’t. Tell me anyway. If the conversation goes wrong, you can blame me because I made you talk about it, okay? Easy. So tell me.’

Alex stared into his lap. He’d tried not to think about the whole thing after it’d happened, and it was so stupid.

‘I know it’s dumb,’ Alex said. ‘It’s just…there aren’t many people pointing out how stupid and uneducated I am anymore, or how bad I am at things, so when it happens it’s more of a shock than it used to be, even if it’s true. I don’t handle it as well as I used to.’

A long silence. Alex didn’t look up. Truthfully, focusing on anything properly hurt his eyes. He’d been dreading cleaning. The back-and-forth motion of the vacuum cleaner and the mop was going to hurt his head. He knew it.

‘How…did he say those things to you?’ Sebastian said. There was something in his voice, even though it wasn’t louder or anything, that made Alex feel like he had to answer.

‘I went to the lab at the end of the shift to ask if he needed anything, and he said I’d make the lab dirtier. He said he knew about the shit I’d done to you, and then made it seem like I forced you to become my boss.’

‘It was my idea,’ Sebastian said.

‘I said that,’ Alex said. ‘Yeah, I said that. He said whatever was good enough for you or your mom would never be good enough for him, because I’m not educated at cleaning, and barely educated in general. And then he said something about making sure I don’t hurt Maru. And then asked if I thought my grandparents would be proud of me for becoming a cleaner.’

‘What?’ Sebastian said, his voice low.

Alex shrugged. ‘It’s all true. All of it’s true. I mean, that’s why I got the headache. I was looking into lab cleaning standards and I’m nowhere near. I don’t even have the right products. I’m not educated at cleaning. And I am, like, barely educated. And then…fuck. It’s so stupid. But when I was done, I wanted Robin to see whether I did a good job and Demetrius came along.’

Alex refused to look up.

‘He found all the mistakes I made. He found everything I did wrong in every room. Robin seemed good about it all, but he said they should look for another cleaner. He found everything. Even stuff I didn’t know I’d missed. Just…all of it.’

Sebastian came over to the couch, facing Alex, grasping his thigh. It felt good. Alex didn’t think he was up for having sex though, even though he’d suggested it before.

‘So that’s why I said what I said,’ Alex said, ‘about him being a shit while you were growing up. And I’m sorry for…being a dick about that when I was younger.’

‘That’s what you took away from that?’ Sebastian said, sounding angry.

‘Uh. Yeah?’

‘Alex, he’s a pedantic motherfucker. If he loves you, he’ll be the kindest guy in between being a pedant, but if he doesn’t, he’s a hypercritical dickhead. Martingale wasn’t the only reason I went to therapy. Demetrius… I still have a ton of shit to work out around him and that whole situation. I almost never go back there because of it. Because he loves Robin and Maru, and he doesn’t love me. I don’t think he hates me or anything, he finds me an inconvenience. I’m the rebel he didn’t want. Maru’s a good girl, and she’s his. He doesn’t look at her and see the man Robin fucked before him, like he does with me.’

‘Yeah, that must’ve been hard.’

‘Can you – for like five seconds maybe – focus on the fact that he shouldn’t have spoken to you that way?’

‘But everything he said was true,’ Alex said.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, his voice soft. ‘Alex. Come on, man, there’s a reason most people aren’t talking to you like that anymore. There’s a reason I’ve been apologising for how I spoke to you. It’s not because we all decided to lie to you. It’s not because only the mean people know what the truth is.’

Alex swallowed, feeling way more fragile than he had when he walked in.

‘I wish I could say I can’t believe he spoke to you like that, but I can totally believe it. I can even imagine the tone he said it in. He’s never been violent or anything, and honestly, I don’t even think he’s trying to be mean most of the time. But it’s still mean. He has severe empathy issues. Robin can call him out on it, but she’s so used to it, so she also just..doesn’t. Whatever. It’s not acceptable that he talked to you like that.’

‘But I’m not educated, and-’

‘You’re good at cleaning,’ Sebastian said. ‘No, you don’t know how to clean labs. That’s fine. You don’t need to know. You’re never going to need to clean a lab, Alex. Like, your grandparents wouldn’t be disappointed if they knew you were a cleaner. Demetrius would be, because he’s a classist elitist dick with the single exception of my mom. But you really think Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George would be disappointed in you?’

Alex didn’t know that was where the crack in him was. He didn’t know those were the words that would break it all apart. One moment he was listening and feeling numb and upset and the next, a wound split apart inside of him, he took a sharp breath and then held it, as tears built in his eyes.

He leaned forward, not knowing how else to hide his face. The swelling, heavy pressure in his head that built made the headache worse. The first tears that spilled didn’t feel like a release. They felt like something pushing his face apart. He placed a hand on his cheek and wanted to run, but in that moment couldn’t do anything but focus on that horrible pressure.

‘They- They never knew I was gay,’ Alex said, his voice higher than normal. ‘They would’ve been so fucking disappointed. A cleaner, and gay, and a fucking loner, I didn’t do any of the things I said I would.’

Alex’s voice sounded almost okay at first, but by the end it was wet, strangled, and his hand clenched. He hated that Sebastian was seeing this.

His legs tensed to stand, and he flinched when a hand rested on the back of his shoulder.

‘They’d be so fucking disappointed,’ Alex said, his voice wrenched from some deep place inside of him. All those conversations about having grandkids, about getting married, about laughing and nodding along to Grandma Evelyn, being sure he was going to be with Haley one day. She’d known they were childhood sweethearts in the way that meant they’d be in love forever, like Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George, through thick and thin, through everything.

The hand at his shoulder was warm, fingers curled lightly into his skin, and then Sebastian repeated the motion, and that felt okay. That felt better than the throbbing mass of his head, or the way he was trying to choke down the noises he wanted to make, so he didn’t sound like he was as much of a mess as he was.

‘I don’t think they would have been,’ Sebastian said.

‘But you don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘No one’s ever gonna know. Fuck, even my mom…’

His other hand came to his face, two fists in front of his eyes as he broke, his cheeks wet, his jaw wet, tears dripping down his wrists. He cried and wished he wasn’t crying. He remembered how violent his father would get if he saw tears, and he was afraid. He was afraid, too. But Sebastian wasn’t hitting him or yelling at him, and Alex couldn’t stop what was happening.

This was what he wanted to do the night he walked away from Robin’s house. When he’d crouched down on the soil, he’d felt it all building then. He could’ve cried for hours. He thought he’d put it all away, but it was right here, and Sebastian was seeing it.

‘Fuck, I’m sorry,’ Alex said. ‘This is so disgusting.’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, the tone of his voice making the words far softer than they should’ve been. ‘It’s not disgusting. It’s just feelings. They pass. It just sucks at the moment.’

‘Fucking therapy,’ Alex muttered between sobs. ‘You sound like such a pretentious dickhead.’

Sebastian laughed, and Alex laughed once, and then went back to crying, making a miserable sound when his head throbbed harder.

‘My head hurts,’ he managed, his voice cracking at the end.

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, moving closer. ‘Okay, Alex, come here.’

A questioning noise because Alex didn’t understand. And then a strong arm wrapped around his front, pulling him close, the hand at his back stretching across him, curling around him. Sebastian was firm as he brought Alex into his body, he was so careful as one of his hands curled into his hair and rested lightly on his scalp.

‘We’ll get you some painkillers, and you can hopefully sleep some of it off,’ Sebastian said. ‘I think you need to get assessed for the issues you have around reading. And maybe migraines.’

‘It’s just a headache,’ Alex said.

‘Sure it is.’ Sebastian said, indulging him, obviously not believing him.

Alex decided it wasn’t worth fighting. He slumped heavily against Sebastian, feeling like maybe he wouldn’t ever be even slightly attractive to the guy ever again. But this moment felt good. Felt like something he’d lost such a long time ago. He hadn’t even known to miss it until he was getting it again.

‘Okay,’ Sebastian whispered. ‘You’re okay.’

His arms stayed strong, Alex’s nose was blocked, his head pounded, his breathing slowed. He was wet, disgusting, and the idea of even forcing himself to say he could still clean was something he couldn’t consider.

‘Yoba’s tits, Alex. That’s a lot to carry around all the time.’

Alex sniffed loudly.

‘I hate talking about my shit,’ he said.

‘Yeah, no wonder,’ Sebastian said, sounding soft, sounding warm. Alex pressed his face harder into Sebastian’s shoulder and almost cried again when he realised he couldn’t have Sebastian the way he wanted. He clung onto Sebastian’s jumper, thought he should remind him about work, and decided against it.

Minutes passed, and Sebastian stroked his hair in long motions that only finished at the base of his neck. Like he was moving all the pain down through his spine. It made his forehead feel relaxed for the first time since his shift at Robin’s.

‘Demetrius is wrong about you,’ Sebastian said. ‘He’s wrong. Most people are. I was. And Alex, Demetrius can be hurtful. I’ve cried about him and the shit he’s said before. In therapy. Outside of therapy. I will again in the future. He’s… He probably likes you less because you’re connected to me. I was worried about you cleaning mom’s because… Because he’s there. I never know what he’s going to say. He used to be awful to Sam. Mom would call him out if he ever said anything in front of her, and I should’ve called him out more.’

‘Don’t say anything to him,’ Alex pleaded.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘Do you have to keep cleaning there?’

‘Robin liked it,’ Alex said weakly.

‘Demetrius is probably going to be pretty shocking with any cleaner. He’ll never be able to find one that meets his standards.’ Sebastian sighed. ‘Damn it, Alex. I wish I could’ve been there.’

Alex shook his head and wished Sebastian could keep holding him like this for hours. It felt nice. Felt like Sebastian really cared about him, like they weren’t just casual fuck-buddies.

‘I’m sure Evelyn and George would’ve accepted you for who you are,’ Sebastian said quietly.

‘But I’ll never know,’ Alex said, his voice raspy. ‘I’ll never know for sure. I lied to them for so long, man. So long. I never told them. God, even in high school.’

Alex cried again, and Sebastian’s hands fell still on his body, loosely holding him. After a few minutes, the tears tapered off and Alex shifted to get more comfortable, listening to Sebastian’s heart beating through his clothing, his skin. It sounded good. Steady.

‘Do you mean-? You’ve known you were gay since high school?’ Sebastian said.

Alex tensed, and Sebastian’s hands automatically started fussing with him again.

‘Alex, did you know while I was like…bullying you and stuff?’

That was, in a way, hilarious. Alex realised he was gay because of the bullying and stuff. What started out as imagining sexualised revenge had spun into something else so fucking fast. It was all he’d needed to realise who he really was.

‘Not all the way through. But through some of it, yeah.’

‘In high school,’ Sebastian repeated.

‘Yeah.’

‘You knew before me. I mean, before I knew I was gay.’

‘Does it matter?’ Alex asked. Because it didn’t. As long as Sebastian had no idea Alex had been nursing feelings for him for that long, it was a minor fact. It meant nothing.

‘You must’ve told someone, surely.’

Alex sighed, sniffed again. He shrugged. Sebastian’s arms wrapped tighter around him.

‘I wish I could go back sometimes,’ Sebastian said. ‘Wish we could have some kind of do-over. Wish I could’ve seen you for who you really were. I hate that I’m only getting to know you now. Sometimes it makes me so angry, Alex, how much you keep hidden. But then I think about the bigger picture, and I can’t see a way you would’ve thought there was any other option.’

‘So we’re not gonna fuck, huh?’

Sebastian laughed into the top of his head, the sound rueful. ‘Stop it.’

‘It’s nice, I guess, that you think about a do-over like that. I wish I thought of it that way. It’s nice how you sometimes act like these things matter, or are like…a big deal.’

‘Yeah? You like it when someone cares about what you’re going through?’

It felt like a trap, and Alex looked out into the lounge, wondering how the hell to label their connection. This went way beyond any friendship Alex had experienced.

‘I like it too,’ Sebastian said. ‘When you apologised earlier for Demetrius, even though I knew something had gone wrong with him for you to be bringing it up, it was still nice to hear. I mean, not going to lie, but shit with him and home was the worst thing in my life back then. It wasn’t you. I mean, sometimes it was you. But we were all dealing with stuff. God knows how Maru turned out so great.’

‘She misses you,’ Alex said.

‘I miss her, too. Or- I don’t know. We never were like brother and sister. We were always somehow in competition, and I was always coming last.’

‘You could try now. You seem different now. And maybe she doesn’t want to be in that competition either, even if she was winning all the time. Some competitions aren’t worth winning.’

Sebastian seemed to be thinking that over seriously, and Alex closed his eyes. He was going to rest for a second, then figure out what to do with his night. He wasn’t going to fall asleep.

‘Good boy,’ Sebastian murmured quietly, through the darkness, and Alex made a faint sound that didn’t seem like it belonged to him. He swore it was a dream, falling into sleep wondering why he’d imagined Sebastian saying that to him.

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Lineages':

"‘You didn’t ask to be given severe headaches. How is that your fault?’

‘They’re not severe, and I’m not doing this,’ Alex said, walking towards the kitchen. Sebastian followed him, and Alex pulled his shoes on at the front door. ‘I’ll come back to do the cleaning. Do you want me to do a make-up shift? Or to like…just come on Wednesday like normal?’

‘You’re so fucking stubborn.’

‘I’m…’ Alex didn’t know what to say. He was on the porch when Sebastian grasped his arm. Alex stilled. He waited. The silence stretched, and Alex didn’t want to leave, and Sebastian wasn’t letting him go.

‘I liked it,’ Sebastian said, after clearing his throat. ‘Sleeping next to you.’

Alex’s chest did something that it had no right to do, given he was in his twenties, and over life, and tired. But Yoba damn it all, he was pretty sure he’d just felt something flutter.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said roughly. ‘You did?’"

*

Alex feeling like he's over life in his 20s is simultaneously like 'dude you have so much life left to live' while knowing that sometimes when you're going through it, you don't want to live the rest of it either. *pats him quietly*

*

I'm on Tumblr! I post excerpts over there, and writing memes, and other bits and pieces, the only thing I refuse to do there is tap-dance

Chapter 41: Lineages

Notes:

Posting this while going through the worst dizzy spell and just checked my pulse to make sure it wasn't racing out of control or anything, lol, and it's not! So I think (??) I'm okay.I just don't know if I should stand up right now sdlkjfas and that's good because I can sit to put up a chapter lol

Hope you're all taking care!

Alex ended up staying the night at Sebastian’s. It just sort of happened. He slept on the couch, and when he woke, Sebastian put a bowl of noodles in front of him and turned the television on and they watched it while they ate together. Alex was out of it. His head was foggy. He couldn’t concentrate and started yawning halfway through the meal. Eventually Sebastian took the half-finished bowl out of his hands and took him down the corridor, putting him into bed.

‘Are we fucking?’ Alex asked, confused.

‘No, Alex,’ Sebastian said, sounding faintly exasperated. ‘No, we’re not.’

‘Lame.’ Alex turned onto his side, already falling asleep. ‘I can clean later.’

‘No, you can’t.’

‘Can so,’ Alex said.

He was asleep before he heard Sebastian’s response.

When he woke, it was dark, he could hear heavy rain outside. Summer rains. There was a steady croaking of frogs, and Alex opened his eyes and realised it was day. He reached for his phone and realised he was at Sebastian’s, and the guy was fast asleep next to him, looking soft and boyish when he slept.

The frog croaking was coming from the big pond outside, past the glass windows that had their dark curtains drawn. His headache was mostly gone, but he was still exhausted. He thought about sneaking home, but in the end he laid back down and closed his eyes and thought he’d have trouble falling asleep and…didn’t.

Alex slept until that night – morning for him – hearing talking down the corridor. He pushed up and rubbed at his face, then showered, because whatever, he’d be the one cleaning it at some point, anyway.

When he got out of the shower, Sebastian was dressed and waiting for him, sitting on the edge of his bed. The bedroom curtains were open, the frogs were still croaking and chirping, and Sebastian wore a dark green sweater, dark brown jeans, and looked amazing.

‘Don’t hate me or anything,’ Sebastian said.

‘Always a great way to start a conversation,’ Alex replied.

‘I called Harvey.’

‘Why? Are you not feeling well?’ Sebastian gave him a look, and Alex leaned back against the wall and frowned. ‘For me?’

‘He’s said he wants to talk to you about a possible dyslexia assessment, and a visual information processing dysfunction assessment. Anything beyond that he wouldn’t share with me, and I think he was kind of mad at himself for sharing that much. Also, he wanted to know why you didn’t call him about the headache. He’s a doctor. That’s his job. Et cetera.’

Alex pressed his lips together. He shook his head carefully, not wanting to upset the fragility. He knew if he rocked his head back and forth too hard right now, he’d bring the headache back again.

‘What do you have against doctors? Harvey’s okay.’

‘I know he is,’ Alex said. ‘He’s a good guy.’

‘So…why didn’t you call him? Because you think it’s normal to get headaches like the one you got yesterday?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I was going to clean until I had like- Until I had a mega-breakdown. Sorry about that, by the way.’

Sebastian was looking at him like he couldn’t figure him out, and Alex sighed.

‘I mean, I normally just keep on doing what I do,’ Alex said. ‘They go away eventually. It’s my fault for forcing myself to read so much stuff.’

‘You didn’t ask to be given severe headaches. How is that your fault?’

‘They’re not severe, and I’m not doing this,’ Alex said, walking towards the kitchen. Sebastian followed him, and Alex pulled his shoes on at the front door. ‘I’ll come back to do the cleaning. Do you want me to do a make-up shift? Or to like…just come on Wednesday like normal?’

‘You’re so fucking stubborn.’

‘I’m…’ Alex didn’t know what to say. He was on the porch when Sebastian grasped his arm. Alex stilled. He waited. The silence stretched, and Alex didn’t want to leave, and Sebastian wasn’t letting him go.

‘I liked it,’ Sebastian said, after clearing his throat. ‘Sleeping next to you.’

Alex’s chest did something that it had no right to do, given he was in his twenties, and over life, and tired. But Yoba damn it all, he was pretty sure he’d just felt something flutter.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said roughly. ‘You did?’

‘I did.’

‘What does that mean?’

Alex turned to look at him, and Sebastian searched his face. ‘I don’t know.’

But you don’t want a relationship. And even if you did, you wouldn’t want one with me.

Sebastian didn’t need to cut into him anymore, Alex was so good at it now.

‘I don’t think you should clean Mom’s this week,’ Sebastian added.

‘Yeah? I’m gonna though.’

‘Alex, please don’t-’

‘He was just saying the truth,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘It was just the truth. You don’t get it, maybe because you’re really smart and shit. But until Robin fires me, I’ll keep going back. It’s good money.’

‘If it makes you feel bad about who you are as a person, maybe it’s not that truthful,’ Sebastian said, letting go of his arm. ‘But… Okay.’

‘Thanks for, uh, everything. Sorry about the cleaning.’

Sebastian looked mad that Alex was even bringing the cleaning up. So he waved goodbye, and left, and walked home. The ground was wet, the world smelled of loam and fresh water and moss. New daffodils were up and Alex knew they were all different species now, and tried to look for the deep orange ones that seemed less common.

When farmer Martingale had first come, there were less flowers around for a few years, and rumours were he was taking them all and didn’t leave any behind. But one day the farmer stopped plucking them, and all the flowers recovered, and now it was like it used to be.

Alex got home and stood in the house that felt empty and lonely, and then looked at his phone. Dr Harvey had sent him a text.

Alex, could you call me when you get some free time?

Alex felt like he was being hunted. His shoulders hunched. It would be nice if life would cut him some slack for like a week. Just a week.

*

On Monday, Dr Harvey brought over his doctor bag, and Alex made him coffee and felt so embarrassed that Sebastian had called him and now it was a whole thing.

‘Honestly, I don’t know why he made such a big deal over it,’ Alex said.

Dr Harvey nodded as he sipped at his drink and then cupped it between his hands like it was winter.

‘Sometimes we get so used to something difficult, that when other people notice how hard it is, we don’t see why they should do anything about it. Do you mind if I ask you some questions?’

‘Sure.’

‘You had problems reading in school?’

Alex barked out a laugh. ‘Yeah. So many. Everyone knew. I mean, you know the town thinks I’m illiterate, right?’

Dr Harvey frowned, then slowly shook his head. ‘I wasn’t aware of that, no.’

‘I can read,’ Alex said quickly. ‘I’m just shit at it.’

‘All right,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘Did your mom ever get headaches? Do you remember her sometimes needing to sleep during the day because her head hurt? Or taking pain medication?’

‘I mean, I remember all those things, but that was because-’

Alex looked away quickly. An old, old terror. His dad threatening him to never tell a doctor about what was really happening. Telling him Alex’s life would be over. Standing over him with booze on his breath, that horrible look on his face, while his mom sometimes watched nearby and didn’t say or do anything most of the time. Now and then she’d just pipe up with:

‘Hon, I really don’t think he’s gonna do that. He’s a kid. Just let him be.’

‘There were other reasons,’ Alex finished weakly. ‘Although… She still got headaches after that too. But that could’ve been the cancer. Who knows.’

‘I see,’ Dr Harvey said quietly. ‘There can sometimes be a genetic link with migraines. Did your mom have any problems reading?’

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘No, she used to read to me and everything.’

‘All right. Well. I think you should be assessed for dyslexia, maybe some other things. A psychologist has to assess you. Would you be open to seeing one?’

‘Why bother?’ Alex said. ‘I don’t need a fancy word to tell me I’m bad at reading. It doesn’t make any difference, right? What’s going to change?’

‘Maybe you’d be less hard on yourself if you accepted you had a disability around reading, and that it’s normal to get help with those things. Although something tells me you’d be hard on yourself if you knew you had a learning disorder too. But there’s phone software you can use to scan articles that will read them out loud for you. It can help to tell people that you have something like dyslexia, instead of implying you’re worthless.’

Alex shrugged. Dr Harvey looked stern, and Alex stared down at his coffee instead. Dr Harvey sighed.

‘What are we going to do with you, Alex?’

‘I mean, I’m doing great. I’m making money, and I’m…’ Alex thought of Demetrius and rubbed at the back of his neck.

Normally he’d lock down, but after bringing everything up with Sebastian, he just wanted an outside perspective. Sebastian was biased, because he and Demetrius had beef.

‘Hey, Doc, is it bad if someone tells me my grandparents wouldn’t be proud of me for being a cleaner?’

‘Did Sebastian say that to you?’ Dr Harvey did, sounding surprisingly angry.

‘What? No! Shit- I mean, um, why does everyone have it out for Sebastian? He wouldn’t say something like that. He’s the reason I’m in this job.’

‘But…someone said that to you?’ Dr Harvey said, as though double-checking.

‘Uh. So it’s bad? Even if my grandparents wouldn’t be proud?’

‘Alex,’ Dr Harvey said, ‘your grandfather was a miner. Your grandmother always – even though I didn’t know her for most of her life – put so much care into things that required labour. From cooking, to gardening, to laundry, to beautifying the town. Of course they’d be proud. Combining hard work and beauty together in a job… I know they thought so highly of the way you took care of them at the end. Evelyn was always so proud you’d taken on the chores around the house without complaining about it. She said you’d grown up so much.’

Alex breathed in shakily and looked around the kitchen that was hers. It would always be hers. It was hers when he was a child, and his mom came to visit with him by her side, and it was still hers now that she’d passed away.

‘No one has a right to talk to you that way,’ Dr Harvey added.

Alex bit at the inside of his cheek a few times. ‘If I have migraines, like you think, what does that mean? Like, can I stop them from happening?’

‘Avoiding triggers is important, and of course if that’s reading, you’ll have to be careful. It sounds like you can do some reading - especially if you can control the font size - and not have to worry. But if you force yourself to read a lot at once, or small fonts, it exacerbates the risk. Mm. There are preventative medications you can take in advance, especially when you know the migraines have triggers you’re likely to encounter. I think it will be important to distinguish if they’re caused by dyslexia, or a visual processing dysfunction, because visual training can sometimes help with the latter.’

‘So I could read better?’ Alex asked quietly.

‘I’m going to be honest with you, Alex. It might never be easy for you. I can’t sugarcoat that, especially while we don’t know what’s going on. But, yes, it’s reasonable to think you can find ways to make it better for yourself. Either through reading directly or using text-to-speech and scanning devices more often.’

‘I’ll never be smart though, will I?’

Dr Harvey opened his mouth, looking like he was going to disagree, and then his expression changed. He looked sad.

‘Alex, I think you’re very intelligent, but I don’t think that’s…the right response for me to take right now. What I’ll say is there are so many things that matter more. So many things that make up a person. Being compassionate. Hard-working. Wanting to care for the people around you. Being a good listener. It’s hard to be a human sometimes. It’s obvious you place a lot of value in being smart, and that you use that to hurt yourself when you tell yourself that you’re dumb or stupid. But being smart is not the most valuable thing a person can be.’

Alex drank half his coffee at once.

‘Doc,’ Alex said, clearing his throat.

‘You can call me Harvey.’

‘Yeah, and I might one day. Do you think people should know I’m gay?’

‘Well, I- Well… Um. Do you want them to know?’

Alex smiled a little at Dr Harvey’s flailing and sighed. ‘I never wanted anyone to know. For the longest time I knew I’d take that secret to my grave, and I was good about that. But the other day Jodi said all these things about me having girlfriends and stuff and it just felt so…wrong. It’s stupid, because it never used to hurt. But I think it did? I’ve spent so long making sure everyone thinks of me as a straight guy, and my dad would kill me if he knew, but…he’s dead and gone. But it might make people like me less.’

‘It might,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘Some people might surprise you, though. After all, they can only go off the information you’ve given them. Have you talked to Sebastian about it?’

‘No one seems to care with him,’ Alex said. ‘But he’s smart and successful and hot.’

‘Alex…’ Dr Harvey said, then gave a small, neat little laugh. ‘Goodness. Well, you’re successful in your job. You’re intelligent. There are people who are attracted to you. It’s possible you simply don’t notice.’

‘It’ll give Mayor Lewis another reason to hate me.’

‘I’m going to strongly suggest you consider therapy for the second…third- Maybe the fourth time.’

‘Yeah, I know. I know.’

‘Alex, it’s one thing to want to impress the people you care for, but if you don’t care for them much, you don’t need to work at earning their high regard. Lewis can fend for himself. He’s a grown adult, he’s not perfect, none of us are.’

Alex sighed. ‘I don’t get how this isn’t just using you.’

‘I’m here as a doctor, and I’m going to charge you a fee like we discussed,’ Dr Harvey said, laughing. ‘Outside of that, Alex, it would be nice to spend time with you again. I quite enjoyed it. You say it’s “using me,” but I recall a pleasant time where I got to talk about my model planes – something you can imagine I don’t get to do very often – and my family, and you shared a bit about your life, and I didn’t feel used at all. Is it possible you just don’t know you’re good company?’

It was possible Alex didn’t know that. Dr Harvey was looking at him with an open, bemused expression. Alex wondered what Dr Harvey would think of him if he’d been there from the beginning, if he’d known Alex’s father.

‘Now,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘I’m going to organise some new medications to address the headaches, and I’ll order them in at the clinic. I know you may never be interested in therapy, but please consider seeing a psychologist for the assessments. Migraines are generally diagnosed by neurologists, but this is a small country town, and I don’t see you making the time to go to Zuzu. So we’ll trial one of the gentler medications and if they’re effective, we’ll come closer to knowing if they’re migraines.’

‘Playing fast and loose with medicine there, huh, Doc?’

Dr Harvey’s smile was warm as he wrote notes in his notepad. ‘You’d be surprised how often something is diagnosed by how well it responds to medication. Have you been remembering to take your supplements?’

Alex nodded. He didn’t remember to take them every single day, but he took them most days of the week.

‘I’ve been eating better too,’ Alex said. ‘Sebastian makes me food sometimes as well. He’s- Uh, he’s great.’

Alex’s ears burned. He’d cried in Sebastian’s arms the day before, and the guy had already messaged him twice since to ask how he was doing. Alex didn’t know how to reply. He wasn’t exactly doing fine, and he was dreading going back to Robin’s, and he didn’t know how to understand how much he needed what Sebastian had given him. He couldn’t remember anyone treating him like that before.

They’d slept in the same bed together. Alex had done the equivalent of spending the night. It’d seemed normal. For a second, it was like they lived together.

Hey, doc, you got anything for a broken heart?

Alex forced himself to smile when Dr Harvey asked if there was anything else they needed to follow up on.

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘Think we’re good.’

When Dr Harvey left five minutes later, it was with the recommendation that Alex drop in and meet Tim the psychologist on a Friday evening, since he saw the least clients around that time. Alex nodded uncertainly, sure he wouldn’t do it, but as Dr Harvey walked off, Alex leaned against the doorframe and wondered if it might be worth it to prove to himself it wasn’t the kind of thing he’d enjoy or get anything out of.

Maybe, he thought. Maybe…

He pulled his phone from his pocket and felt a twinge that there were no new messages there. He turned back into his grandparent’s house and sighed as he looked around it.

He couldn’t even hide it from himself anymore. He wanted to be at Sebastian’s.

This was becoming a problem.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Brave Faces Everyone:

"‘I haven’t told anyone,’ Alex said. ‘I mean, Haley knows. And Dr Harvey knows. And Sebastian knows. But that’s all pretty recent. But it’s getting a lot harder not saying anything. Which is pretty stupid.’

‘That’s not stupid,’ Penny said gently. ‘Sometimes these things start off easy to keep secret, and then become very hard.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said in relief.

‘Wow, since high school,’ Maru said. ‘That’s a long time to not tell anyone. Geez, no wonder you’ve always kind of kept to yourself. Are you glad that more people know?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘I was in pretty hardcore denial for a long time.’

‘Yeah,’ Maru said. ‘I always thought I was into guys. But it was like… It just wasn’t right. Like I was going through the motions.’"

*

Alex later like 'wait, does Sebastian know his sister is gay too???' Anyway, I'm on Tumblr! And I have a cute dog sleeping at my feet :D

Chapter 42: Brave Faces Everyone

Notes:

Do you ever want to buy 40 cross-stitch patterns only to realise you have like 40 already and no one lives that long to do so many? (Especially when they - like me - do really large cross-stitch projects?)

Seriously, the hobby of buying cross-stitch equipment and doing cross-stitch are two totally separate hobbies I swear.

Alex got a text from Haley on Tuesday morning. He stared in confusion at first, thinking maybe he was misreading.

Maru (!!!) just asked if you and me want to go down to the beach with her and Penny tonight at sunset to hang. Let’s do it!

He made his phone read it aloud to him and hearing: “Bracket, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, close bracket,” made him laugh.

Alex hedged for a few minutes. They’d never had much to do with Maru or Penny. But he’d had that conversation with Maru last week, and it’d been okay, and maybe she hadn’t learned to hate him from her dad. That was probably unfair of him. The conversation had been okay. Hadn’t it?

Sure, Alex sent back.

He wasn’t sure what to think, but Penny and Maru seemed harmless, and Haley made socialising pretty effortless. She was good at facilitating conversation, and when they’d been younger, he’d loved having her around because she filled all the blank spaces Alex created with his presence when he wasn’t talking about sports or working out.

It was a miracle she hadn’t found him unbearable, really.

*

On Tuesday afternoon – early morning for Alex – Haley opened the front door, and Alex was ready to leave, so he locked up behind him and said an awkward hello to both Maru and Penny. Haley got back to a conversation about video games, which Maru enjoyed, and Penny knew a bit about because of Vincent apparently spending years trying to do all his assignments on them when he wasn’t focused on bugs.

‘I didn’t mean to get into them myself,’ Penny said quietly, and smiled in a way that was almost gentle. ‘But Maru showed me a few that were nice to play. I thought they’d all be violent or silly. I don’t like the ones with blood. But there’s a gardening game I play on my phone. And I enjoy watching Maru play some of her space games.’

Alex nodded. He didn’t play video games. Most of them came with reading, so there was no point. But he’d always been curious about them.

‘I used to play one where I could dress up pets,’ Haley said, laughing.

‘Zoo Fashion?’ Maru said in excitement.

‘Yes! You start out with like dogs and cats and then by the end you’re unlocking elephants and putting tutus on a giraffe.’

‘I used to play that too,’ Maru said, her laugh sweet. ‘I was obsessed with it, because it seemed to care about the correct animal taxonomy. I tried not to overthink the animal husbandry and training that would be needed to actually get animals to consent to wearing the clothing we were putting on them. And I mostly succeeded! I got almost all the trophies. I could never unlock the octopus.’

‘Oh! That one was like a side quest,’ Haley said. ‘You have to let one of your octopuses escape first, and then it unlocks. That was a weird one.’

Penny smiled at him, and Alex returned it, as they both listened to Maru and Haley talking about a video game they used to play.

The beach was peaceful, and they walked down to the shore. Haley brought huge beach towels, and Penny had done the same. The weather wasn’t summer-warm, but it was still nice to get the last of the spring sun on their faces. There were distant clouds on the horizon painted in pretty colours. Alex scrunched his hands down into the sand and wondered if Sebastian would hate doing something like this, because he was so fastidious and clean.

‘I’m going to be teaching a robotics course at the high school in Zuzu over summer,’ Maru said. ‘It’s an extra-curricular for the kids there, but Penny suggested I try. I got more sign-ups than I thought! Fifteen students. I’m so nervous! But excited too.’

‘It’ll be great,’ Penny said, beaming at her.

‘Penny would be amazing teaching at an actual school,’ Maru added enthusiastically. ‘But she teaches all the kids around the Valley and in the neighbouring communities. I find teaching really intimidating, but I’ve gotten brilliant advice from an expert.’

Maru leaned in and bumped Penny’s shoulder, and Penny laughed nervously, and then her eyes darted to Alex’s, like she was double-checking he was okay with it.

Alex had a weird moment of understanding. They thought he was a straight guy hanging out with them, and if they were in a relationship, and they were gay, they were maybe worried about what he’d think if he knew. They were maybe just as afraid of his judgement, as he was afraid of theirs.

They weren’t worried about Haley. At least, it didn’t seem like they were. Alex wondered if he seemed intimidating and tried to imagine it from their perspective. He was taller than they were and muscular, and he almost never talked. He was a jock in high school and played sports. He came from a difficult family and his father had a reputation of being an abusive dickhole – because he was. Alex had spent a lot of high school bullying Maru’s brother, and Sebastian’s friends would’ve said – probably in earshot of Maru – that Alex was so mean and awful because he’d taken after his father.

Penny had to deal with Pam growing up. As far as Alex knew, Pam wasn’t physically violent, but she was verbally awful to her daughter, even while Penny worked thanklessly and tirelessly to keep their shared living space clean. Alex had no idea what Pam said about his dad, his mom, but it probably wasn’t great.

Alex frowned and stared at the waves, then thought about his conversation with Dr Harvey, and broke out into a cold sweat because it was now or never, right?

‘Uh,’ Alex said, when there was a natural pause in the conversation after Penny pointed out how pretty the clouds looked. ‘Uh. So…’

Everyone looked at him.

‘So I’m gay,’ Alex said, staring at the clouds.

Alex thought he’d have some big speech to say. He thought it would be more momentous in some ways, though it felt huge, and gross, and ugly. He felt it like a giant thing inside him. A truth he wasn’t ready for the town to know yet, but he couldn’t live with the agony of people assuming he was getting with Haley anymore, either. He couldn’t stand it.

Penny’s response was a small, uncertain laugh, like she couldn’t tell if it was a joke.

‘I realised in high school,’ Alex said, clearing his throat, hating how thin his voice sounded. He looked over at Haley, and her expression was encouraging, even though she looked calm. ‘Haley’s known. Though I only told her…this year. I think she’s known for a long time.’

Haley nodded quietly.

‘Many people think she and I are hooking up,’ Alex said, staring at her. ‘And that’s worked out well for me, but I don’t know how well that’s worked out for you, hey?’

‘It’s worked out great,’ Haley said, laughing. ‘It’s not like people outside of Stardew Valley know about us, and it’s given me a lot of space away from teenage boys and their hormones!  So nice going to prom with someone who wouldn’t try to get under my skirt because of it.’

Penny gasped, and Maru had a look on her face, like she was excited, or holding something in.

‘Me too!’ she burst out. ‘Me too! I mean, not about the boys trying to get into my skirts, but I’m gay. I actually kind of felt that maybe Haley was too for a while.’

‘Sorry, Maru, I’m very into dick,’ Haley said.

Penny laughed, a hand over her mouth, and Alex laughed too.

Once the laughter died down, Alex felt strange. He didn’t know if he felt good or bad, better or worse.

‘I haven’t told anyone,’ Alex said. ‘I mean, Haley knows. And Dr Harvey knows. And Sebastian knows. But that’s all pretty recent. But it’s getting a lot harder not saying anything. Which is pretty stupid.’

‘That’s not stupid,’ Penny said gently. ‘Sometimes these things start off easy to keep secret, and then become very hard.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said in relief.

‘Wow, since high school,’ Maru said. ‘That’s a long time to not tell anyone. Geez, no wonder you’ve always kind of kept to yourself. Are you glad that more people know?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘I was in pretty hardcore denial for a long time.’

‘Yeah,’ Maru said. ‘I always thought I was into guys. But it was like… It just wasn’t right. Like I was going through the motions.’

‘We should’ve hung out way sooner,’ Haley said, grinning. ‘I always see you two sitting on the bench and you look so comfortable together. Alex was way too into working out to do stuff like that.’

‘I mean, we could hang out in the gym,’ Alex said, and Haley rolled her eyes at him.

‘You always hung out at that ice cream stand!’ Penny said. ‘Oh, but that hasn’t happened in a long time, has it?’

‘Vincent runs it now,’ Maru said. ‘Alex and Haley haven’t done the ice cream stand for ages.’

‘I don’t really notice things like that,’ Penny said apologetically. Alex shrugged. It didn’t bother him.

‘I guess you must’ve felt safe telling Sebastian because he’s out of the closet,’ Maru said to Alex. ‘It’s so hard to imagine you two getting along! Is he a good boss?’

‘He is,’ Alex said, ignoring the way Haley was looking at him, because like, yeah, Sebastian was a good boss, and also great with his fucking dick, actually. Something Alex had personal experience with. He was desperately trying not to recall how Sebastian’s body felt around him and inside of him and failed and couldn’t meet Maru’s eyes.

‘You all know what you are,’ Penny said. ‘I don’t know what I am. I never have.’

Maru looked over at Penny, and her smile was soft. ‘You don’t have to know yet. Maybe it’s something new.’

Penny nodded, looked at Maru like this was a conversation they’d had many times before.

‘I don’t think I’m straight,’ Penny said, drawing her legs up and folding her arms around her shins. ‘But I’ve never been able to figure it out. I used to think it was because I was busy teaching or escaping into books. I like the people I like. I’ve never had crushes like normal people, I think.’

‘I don’t think normal’s ever as normal as people think,’ Alex said, pushing his fingers down into the cool sand. ‘I dunno. Maybe I just tell myself that to feel better about shit.’

‘Take it from me,’ Haley said authoritatively, ‘as someone who has done the nails of a lot of people around the Valley by now. No one’s normal, and just about everyone’s worried about it. Even the people that seem the most normal. It’s all very silly. I’m not saying that to make it seem like your problems don’t matter, Penny, it’s more like…none of us here are expecting you to have all the answers! I’m still trying to figure out if I like Sam or not.’

‘I fucking can’t with you and Sam,’ Alex said, laughing.

‘Sam? He’s very sweet,’ Penny said warmly. ‘He’s always been a wonderful listener. You wouldn’t think so, from the surface. But he’s a lot more sensitive than he seems.’

‘Yeah, I have some practice with a guy like that,’ Haley said. She laughed.

Alex had the feeling she was referring to him.

The girls kept talking, and Alex sometimes nodded or said something small. Penny didn’t talk as much as Maru and Haley, and sometimes she looked at Alex and smiled at him. Maybe she liked the quiet too. He wanted to ask her if she was doing okay with Pam, but there was no way to make that seem natural.

Towards the end, when the night cooled significantly and Haley talked about having everyone back at her place for dinner – which would’ve been lunch for Alex – Penny shyly said that she and Maru had been dating, but that they weren’t telling anyone yet because Penny didn’t know what she was and she didn’t want to deal with explaining that to the town.

Maru reached over and hugged her, and Penny just shrugged and looked abashed.

Alex shook out the sand from the beach towels and rolled them up, then followed along behind everyone and stared up at the stars. He didn’t know how to describe what he was feeling, but it wasn’t bad.

*

Towards the end of his day – which meant it was nearing sunrise – he headed down to the boat shed, then walked along the pier until he found Willy in his pre-dawn spot. He wasn’t always there, but Willy sometimes had problems sleeping in the spring, though he’d never understood why.

‘Hey,’ Alex said, standing alongside him.

‘Ahoy there! Pleased to have some company on this fine morning. Can you feel it, lad? Going to be a beautiful day!’

‘I’ll sleep through it,’ Alex said, and smiled wryly.

‘Aye, that you will.’

The bait smelled fishy but fresh, and the ocean slapped against the underside of the pier, splashing against the supports. The pier was old now, and Alex looked around with his hands in his pockets, then pursed his lips.

‘Surprised the farmer hasn’t fixed the pier yet.’

‘I’ve never asked ‘im too. It’s not as bad as all that. You’ve been listening to Marnie? The pier’s fine. She’s sturdy.’

Alex nodded, looking down at a hole in one of the planks. It wasn’t big enough to lose a child through, and maybe that was good enough.

‘Haley loved the shelves you made,’ Alex said. ‘Thanks again.’

‘Thanking you, Alex, was a fine thing to get back to the ol’ woodworking. My fingers barely remembered how to do it, and then it was like white water fishing. You never forget.’

Like riding a bicycle, Alex thought, almost laughing.

‘You’re not that old,’ Alex said.

Willy laughed and sniffed, staring at the line. He didn’t seem bothered that the line wasn’t biting. He had a few halibut in the bucket. Willy followed his gaze and adjusted his cap, nodding to himself.

‘Aye, going to sear that up with some butter and glasswort, and sell the rest. And you? How’s cleaning?’

‘I like it,’ Alex said.

‘It’s good, honest work, that. You ever want to clean an ol’ man’s beach house, I could get some bits of gold together for you.’

‘Really?’ Alex said, looking at him. He knew Willy didn’t make that much money as a fishmonger. He always said he was lucky his house was paid off. Willy was a humble man, a generous man. He was quiet most of the time, and Alex had spent so many hours with him standing on a pier, watching him fish, sometimes whooping in congratulations when Willy reeled in a fish big enough to eat.

‘Wouldn’t say it if I weren’t thinking it,’ Willy said.

Alex stared at the faint light blue on the horizon. ‘What about if we did it like a trade? You give me some fish you can spare, and I’ll see what I can do.’

Willy was silent, and Alex braced himself for Willy’s refusal. Alex wasn’t doing it out of charity. He liked fish cooked up. It was high in protein and good for muscle gain. But he also knew Willy was one of the poorer folk in the town. They’d commiserated about it once or twice.

‘I’m never gonna fish, man,’ Alex added. ‘I don’t have the patience for it like you.’

The cold pinched Willy’s cheeks red when he looked at Alex with hope in his eyes. ‘You’d really do that? Barter with me?’

‘Sure.’ Alex smiled. ‘Of course I would. Are you kidding? I didn’t know you were interested in something like what I do.’

‘Cleaning? Aye, it’s all right. Be nice to come home to clean sheets sometimes. What do you say to once every two weeks, then? Is that too much fish?’

‘No,’ Alex said. He lifted his arm and flexed. ‘Can’t get the triceps and biceps I want without it.’

Willy shook his head, his moustache lifting in a smile. ‘Just like that, then?’

‘I mean, tell me the days you’re free, and we can work something out.’

‘And what if it’s just anchovies one week?’

‘Then tell me how to cook them, and I’ll eat anchovies.’

‘Ha!’ Willy opened his mouth, and then gasped, and his hands tensed on the rod. ‘Look at that! The fish are listening, lad! They’re all for it!’

Alex watched as Willy fought a tense battle with a fish and said nothing, knowing Willy preferred silence during these moments. But when Alex saw the flounder lifted clear of the water, he whooped like he used to during sports matches, and Willy laughed like he was pleased and proud. Alex clapped, stared at the large flat fish in amazement.

Willy put the flounder in the bucket, and they watched the sun come up together, Alex yawning and rocking on his feet as Willy talked about the fish he’d been catching lately.

It was only as Alex headed back that he realised he’d hung out with more people today – in a way he enjoyed – than he had possibly all his life. It felt new, tender, even good.

Willy and Maru and Penny and Haley, and then tomorrow he’d see Sebastian.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said under his breath. ‘Yeah. Let’s fucking go.’

But when he walked into the large empty house of his grandparents, he paused. The high ceilings were cold, the fire was out, he was alone, and his family was gone. The day was happening all around him, and he was going to bed. It’d been a great day, but he was still haunted, all the same.

Notes:

He has friendsssssss

*

In our next chapter, 'More Than Ever Before'

"‘After your shift on Saturday, I’m going to have to destroy you,’ Sebastian said matter-of-factly, picking up their plates and taking them over to the sink. ‘It’s not my fault that every time I walk into my room, I imagine you on your knees for me, or making all the noises you make. You jerk off to it too, right?’

‘Uh.’

Alex felt a peculiar thrill at the idea of Sebastian thinking of him and jerking off at the same time. Imagining Sebastian’s hand moving over his own dick made him swallow as his ears got hot.

He stood and pocketed the gold from the counter and felt flustered.

‘You do, right?’ Sebastian said, turning around, a confused expression on his face.

‘I don’t really- I don’t… It’s just that…’ Alex took a few steps towards the door. ‘Like it’s not you, or this, or anything. It kind of- I never liked to think about anyone I knew while jerking off because it felt bad somehow. Or violating. So I haven’t done it in a while.’

Sebastian’s mouth dropped, and he stared at Alex like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard.

‘Anyway,’ Alex said, with false brightness. ‘See you Saturday!’"

*

Welp. Doorknob confessions for the win, am I right? I'm on Tumblr!

Chapter 43: More Than Ever Before

Notes:

I had my abdominal CT scan to scout for tumours on Tuesday and had to contact a vet behaviourist for our puppy who has the beautiful combo of separation anxiety, noise sensitivity + some low-key reactivity (honestly this one is the easiest to handle) and it's like, what gives vet behaviourists the right to charge more than every single psychologist does? I cry.

On Wednesday, Alex opened the door to Sebastian’s, surprised to see him lacing up his boots and getting ready to go into the mines.

‘I’m not going for long today,’ Sebastian said, like he owed Alex an explanation. ‘Someone’s put in a rush order for a whole bunch of slime, and the fuckers can’t hurt me, so I’m going to make the most of that.’

He held up his right hand and wiggled his fingers, and Alex saw a golden ring with a green gem flash prettily. Magic rings were way beyond him. They were made for magical abilities relating to mines and hunting and never for like…just making more money living in the day-to-day. Figured.

‘You can go for as long as you want,’ Alex said.

‘Sure, I know that. I’m telling you it won’t be for long. Also, I talked to Mom about some stuff and- Wait, wait, just let me finish. There’s a chance Demetrius might not be there tomorrow night if you insist on going.’

‘Sebastian…’ Alex said, his heart dropping. ‘What the fuck did you do?’

‘I’m tired of people assuming it’s appropriate to let bad behaviour go all the time,’ Sebastian said, yanking at his laces to tighten them. The boots were calf length, and hot as fuck. Everything Sebastian wore looked good on him. ‘Besides, Mom doesn’t take Demetrius’ stuff personally. But that doesn’t mean it’s not personal, at least for some people. I sure as shit took that stuff personally as a literal child. Like, good for her and all, but she has a massive blind spot when it comes to him, and she can love whoever she wants, but maybe she should stand up for the people she’s employing, even if she can’t stand up for her fucking kid.’

‘I didn’t ask you to do that! And she stood up for me in her own way. She said she liked the work I’d done, and that she was happy with it. She asked me to come back!’

‘She didn’t tell Demetrius to stop talking down to you,’ Sebastian said firmly. He stood and threaded the belt that held his scabbard through his pants and then slid the sword into place easily. After that he shouldered his backpack and dragged a hand through his black hair, then smiled at Alex rakishly.

Damn it, Sebastian was ruining Alex’s life. Alex wanted to fuck. It felt like months since they’d last had sex.

It’s probably only been like a week, but whatever.

‘I knew you’d be mad,’ Sebastian said, coming over and staring at him, only a foot of distance between them. Sebastian enjoyed standing right inside Alex’s personal bubble, and blood was flowing to Alex’s dick, and now he was supposed to clean. Like, what the fuck?

‘How’s your head?’ Sebastian asked, expression changing sadly to concern, and not to lust. Alex didn’t give a shit about his head.

‘Better,’ Alex said. ‘I got out yesterday and, like, saw Willy, and went to the beach with Penny and Maru.’

Sebastian blinked at him a few times. ‘Maru?’

‘And Penny,’ Alex added.

‘Did she seem okay?’

‘I think Maru’s got a great friend in Penny,’ Alex said, while realising abruptly that Sebastian might not know his sister was gay too. Fuck. And did Robin and Demetrius know? Would they be upset about that? ‘And yeah, she’s nice. She seems happy. Like, aside from telling me she misses you.’

Sebastian grimaced. ‘Yeah that’s- I have to…figure something out. I didn’t think she would. But whatever, I gotta go. Stop cleaning if your head gets sore.’

‘I’m fine,’ Alex said.

‘You’d say that if you lost a limb or something,’ Sebastian said, heading to the door.

Alex thought of the scar on his forearm and laughed bitterly. ‘I fucking would not.’

‘You would so,’ Sebastian said, opening it and closing it behind him.

‘Would not!’ Alex shouted at the closed door.

He heard Sebastian’s laugh from the landing, and then the sound of his booted steps on the stairs. Alex stood alone in Sebastian’s house, freshly shocked that he could be here at all, let alone without anyone to supervise him. A few deep breaths, and he got to work.

*

Sebastian returned around the time Alex’s shift finished, and Alex expected him to be covered in slime or something, but he looked fine. His hair was a bit mussed up, and he seemed sweaty, but otherwise he looked good. Alex made him some coffee and tried not to ogle Sebastian as he took off the belt and placed the sword on the table, probably for cleaning later.

‘How’d you get into all of that?’ Alex said. ‘Abigail’s wanted to do it for ages, and she doesn’t do it.’

‘It’s hard to break into,’ Sebastian said. ‘The mines were closed for ages, for a start.’

He came over and crowded up next to Alex as he grabbed the coffee and sipped it, and he stared at nothing in particular as he reached out and grasped Alex’s side, and then his hip, and then his ass, in a way that was possessive and confident. Alex stared down at the counter, his heart beating harder.

‘That’s good,’ Sebastian said, putting the coffee down, hand still on Alex’s ass. ‘The coffee’s good too.’

‘You’re… Why are you like this?’

‘When Yoba gave out coolness, he slipped and accidentally poured the whole beaker into my cauldron.’

‘Yeah, “coolness,” whatever you say.’

But it had been cool, and Alex wasn’t moving away. He liked it when Sebastian just groped or manhandled him. He couldn’t say why. A part of him found it threatening, even a little emasculating. But there was something about a dude wanting him like this, treating him this way, and it made him want to surrender to it forever.

‘So! Fighting,’ Sebastian said, patting Alex’s ass once and going to the fridge to pull out the ingredients for sandwiches. ‘I mean you know it’s connected to my ex. I guess in retrospect I pissed off Wentworth because I wouldn’t stop trying to manage his income streams. I’d tell him to farm slimes over and over again – it’s good money if you can set it up right – and I’d tell him stuff about the mines like I knew what it was like. One day, he snapped and took me there. To the mines. I think he wanted me to get an idea that it was dangerous and shut up about it.’

‘And did you?’

‘I had the biggest adrenaline rush,’ Sebastian said, grinning wickedly to himself as he assembled sandwiches. ‘He protected me, and I remember telling him that his form – you know, fighting movements – could be more economical if he wanted them to be. And he just kind of lowered his sword after combat and stared at me, I guess surprised at my audacity. I was a shithead sometimes. I always had something smug to say.’

Alex lifted an eyebrow, but he knew Sebastian likely wasn’t as bad as he used to be. After all, he wasn’t bullying Alex anymore. Things had changed.

‘So he was like, “You do it then,” and I loved it. I’m sure he thought he was teaching me some kind of lesson, but we were both over-ambitious motherfuckers and sometimes he underestimated me because you know, he’s a millionaire and saved the Valley and blah, blah, blah.’

‘If by, “saved the Valley,” you mean single-handedly making turnips a boutique crop because hardly anyone’s growing them now.’

‘Seriously,’ Sebastian muttered. ‘But I loved it. I think I love it more than he does. As soon as I got to Zuzu, I enrolled with one of their hunting guilds and got signed up with real professionals. Like, Marlon is super incredible and spoken of really highly there, Gil is too, but I had a network in Zuzu, and more mines and caves to choose from, and encountered things I’ve never heard of or seen before. I could do group quests and sorties – though I preferred to work solo – and I expanded my range. Figured out how to get more from doing less. Had a few near-death experiences.’

Sebastian walked over to the table. By the time Alex sat and took two bites, Sebastian had finished half his sandwich and was halfway through the rest, wolfing it down.

‘I’m better than Wentworth now,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s not his fault. He does nothing beyond the Valley, and he’s capped out as a result. They told me I could be one of the best if I wanted. I could keep getting better, but that becomes dangerous fast, and I don’t want to do it full time like the others. I guess you could say it’s a hobby now.’

‘Shit,’ Alex said, thinking it over.

‘Some of the best moments of my relationship with Wentworth was fighting in the mines with him – when he let me – and learning how to do it. In retrospect, it was one of the only common interests we had.’

‘You don’t talk about him much,’ Alex said.

Probably because we’re just fuck buddies.

‘I don’t know if there’s a lot to say anymore,’ Sebastian said. ‘I had a lot of therapy in Zuzu. I needed it. Now, it’s like… Well, he helped me escape a bad situation. But we weren’t a good match, and I was controlling, and he was controlling, but he should have given me a Yoba-damned warning if he was going to divorce me like that, and he didn’t. Nothing’s going to change that, though. Lesson learned, I guess.’

Alex wondered what the lesson was. If that was why Sebastian had sworn off relationships.

‘The sex was good,’ Sebastian added, once he finished his sandwich, as though he’d kept on thinking about the things they’d had in common.

Alex wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He was certain the wrong response was asking if he was as good as Wentworth, because how would that ever be possible?

Sebastian looked at Alex with a dark, hungry gaze, and Alex resisted the urge to fidget.

‘What?’ Alex said, when Sebastian didn’t look away.

‘I can’t fuck you today because I have a meeting later, but it’s- I’ve been thinking about it. Have you?’

Not as much lately, because he’d been flattened by everything Demetrius had said to him. But now that he was here, he hadn’t been able to think about anything else while cleaning. He’d been wondering what other things Sebastian wanted to do to him. Wanted his dick in his mouth again, or inside him. Wanted Sebastian’s teeth against his skin, and his fingers leaving bruises on his hips again.

He could do without the visible hickeys, but whatever.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, his voice rougher than before.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘You being a bottom is a revelation.’

Alex hated his insecurities. He wanted to ask if he was better than Wentworth, which wasn’t fair. He wanted to double check Sebastian liked him being a bottom, and didn’t think he was weak because of it, and that was probably weird.

‘You getting all scandalised when I talk about wanting to fuck you is also-’

‘I’m not scandalised,’ Alex said.

‘Puritanical then.’

‘I’m not- Seriously? That’s…’

‘Virginal?’ Sebastian said, his teeth showing as he gave Alex a shit-eating grin.

‘Screw you,’ Alex said, staring at his plate, cheeks burning.

‘Not so virginal now,’ Sebastian said, and then cleared his throat. ‘Damn it. It’s been way too long.’

It’s been like a week. Get over it already.

‘After your shift on Saturday, I’m going to have to destroy you,’ Sebastian said matter-of-factly, picking up their plates and taking them over to the sink. ‘It’s not my fault that every time I walk into my room, I imagine you on your knees for me, or making all the noises you make. You jerk off to it too, right?’

‘Uh.’

Alex felt a peculiar thrill at the idea of Sebastian thinking of him and jerking off at the same time. Imagining Sebastian’s hand moving over his own dick made him swallow as his ears got hot.

He stood and pocketed the gold from the counter and felt flustered.

‘You do, right?’ Sebastian said, turning around, a confused expression on his face.

‘I don’t really- I don’t… It’s just that…’ Alex took a few steps towards the door. ‘Like it’s not you, or this, or anything. It kind of- I never liked to think about anyone I knew while jerking off because it felt bad somehow. Or violating. So I haven’t done it in a while.’

Sebastian’s mouth dropped, and he stared at Alex like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard.

‘Anyway,’ Alex said, with false brightness. ‘See you Saturday!’

‘When was the last time you jerked off?’ Sebastian said sharply, like the conversation wasn’t over. But it was so fucking over.

‘Bye, Sebastian!’

He closed the door behind him and jogged down the steps, and then jogged all the way home, trying to get the image of Sebastian jerking off to memories of the sex they’d had out of his mind, and really, really fucking failing.

*

Alex’s anxiety was so bad on Thursday that he couldn’t eat breakfast – the most important meal of the day – because he was so nauseated. He stood in the bathroom after brushing his teeth, taking deep breaths, staring at his shaking toothbrush and baffled at how intensely he was reacting. His dad used to say way, way worse shit to him on the regular. Demetrius just pointed out that Alex couldn’t clean labs, and he couldn’t, so…what the fuck?

On the walk up the mountain path, his pulse thudded in his ears, in his neck, and his heart raced.

‘Am I just getting weaker?’ Alex said under his breath, rubbing at his chest. This was fucking ridiculous.

He had to pause and take several deep breaths again before he could knock on the door. And Robin answered, beaming, her hair tied back and a smudge of some kind of wood oil on her face.

‘Alex! Right on time. Hey, are you all right? You’re looking pale.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Yeah! I’m good. Thanks.’

He looked past her towards the laboratory, and Robin followed his gaze. What if she was just keeping him on because she was a nice mom?

‘You know,’ Alex said, wringing his hands together absently, ‘if you need to hire someone better…’

‘Nope,’ Robin said, grasping Alex’s shoulder. ‘You did amazing. My house hasn’t been this clean ever, and I pointed out to Dem that he could’ve started cleaning to his own perfectionist standards at literally any time. And he didn’t! Anyway…’ She let go of Alex’s shoulder and stared at him for a moment. ‘Same as last time. Don’t worry about the lab. Maru’s been tidying, and she said you’re good to vacuum and change the sheets, but if you find any bits and pieces, to just put them on her desk in a little container she’s left for you. Tiny nuts and bolts go to her room to die.’

Alex nodded, itching to get the shift over and done with.

‘And Demetrius won’t follow you around at the end like last time,’ Robin said way too loudly. ‘Isn’t that right, Demetrius?’

Ah shit, he was hoping Demetrius was gone for the night.

‘We’ll see,’ Demetrius called from the lab.

Alex just forced one of those stupid smile-grimaces onto his face and got to work.

Normally he could get into a zone while cleaning, but now he second-guessed everything he did based on what Demetrius had said last time. But the sawdust compacted over time, and without special tools, it was impossible to get it out of all the crevices in the way he wanted to.

Tomorrow, he was seeing Tim – that psychologist Dr Harvey kept going on about – for the dyslexia assessment, and he didn’t want a headache over the weekend. He wanted Sebastian to fuck him, and Sebastian wouldn’t if his head hurt too much.

Alex relaxed a bit in Maru’s room. He found a small mechanical robot arm behind the bed frame when he pulled it out, along with about thirty little screws and nuts that she must have missed. He picked everything up carefully, using the flashlight on his phone – though he had to turn the light down because he hated the glare – to find everything.

He heard Robin and Demetrius talking in the kitchen for a while, having their dinner, even though it was the start of Alex’s day. The food smelled fantastic, and he wondered what they were eating.

After that, while Alex was remaking beds, Robin went back to her carpentry studio, and Demetrius went back to the laboratory. The house felt big, but it didn’t feel empty in the way his grandparent’s house did.

As he was finishing up – it did thankfully go faster today, even though he was being more thorough and cleaned Maru’s room too – he hesitated by the laboratory. Demetrius stood in front of a computer, which meant he wasn’t handling dangerous chemicals and maybe Alex could say something.

He cleared his throat and tried to keep his stance strong when Demetrius looked over at him.

‘Uh, I apologise for asking to clean the laboratory last time. I looked it up when I got home and you’re right, I’m not anywhere near trained to clean a lab.’

Demetrius said nothing for a moment, and then frowned, like Alex had done something he hadn’t expected.

‘A-anyway,’ Alex said, because the silence was killing him. ‘Also…’

Don’t say it.

But he had to, because he couldn’t let it go. ‘Also, my grandparents were working-class people, sir. They would be proud of me.’

Another silence, and then Demetrius reached up and placed his thumb and index finger on his temples for a moment, like he was gathering his thoughts. Alex waited to see what he’d say, hand clenching on the cleaning rag he was holding.

‘I admit I shouldn’t have said that,’ Demetrius said finally, lowering his hand.

Alex thought he’d say something else, but he didn’t. He turned back to his computer, and Alex realised that was the end of the conversation.

It could’ve gone way worse, anyway.

When he packed everything up, he followed Robin through the house and nodded as she talked about how much she liked everything. He wanted to believe her, but all he kept doing was looking for the things he might have missed, the same way Demetrius had. And when he pocketed the payment, it took a lot of effort not to ask her if she was sure she wanted to pay him this much. Maybe he didn’t deserve it.

On the walk home, he realised Sebastian might be right. Maybe Alex couldn’t keep cleaning for Robin.

‘Suck it up,’ he said to himself, but the words fell flat.

He remembered Sebastian taking care of him, being kind to him, and he looked toward Sebastian’s house on the way home.

He took out his phone, contemplated sending Sebastian a message, but what would he say? He had no reason to visit. They had no relationship outside of the cleaning and the fucking, aside from that time Alex got sick. And that was only because he’d missed a shift.

Alex shoved his phone into his pocket, annoyed with himself.

Why was everything getting to him so much lately? He had more gold than he’d ever made in his life. He was sleeping with someone he’d been in love with for ages. He even had more friends than he used to.

So what the fuck was wrong with him?

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Pulling Out Truths':

"‘What if…the eye doctor just realises I’m stupid?’

‘Is that what you think is happening when you try to read and get headaches?’ Tim said.

Alex nodded.

‘I mean, when you think about it, it’s actually pretty smart to avoid doing the thing that’s causing you a lot of pain. Right? Even if your teachers didn’t understand, a person who makes a call to avoid pain- Sounds pretty smart to me.’

A tremble moving through Alex’s body, he flexed his fingers. He felt strangely naked and vulnerable. It wasn’t a therapy session, but Tim was a psychologist, and Alex felt…some kind of way about this whole appointment. He didn’t know. It was scary, but it was also weirdly good to hear a medical professional say something like that to him.

‘You know, eye doctors see this kind of stuff all the time,’ Tim added. ‘It’s their job to help you or tell you they can’t and find a person who can. That’s how that works. Anyway, you want to have a small mini-session with me right now, and see what you think about therapy?’

Alex scratched at his elbow and shrugged and then looked towards the door. Tim followed his gaze and his expression creased, became pained.

‘Now, you don’t have to say yes,’ Tim said."

*

Alex, seeing a therapist? But not for therapy? It's more likely than you think! I'm on Tumblr, I forgot to post any excerpts for this month so far, because my brain is made of noodles, but I'm getting there I promise!

Chapter 44: Pulling Out Truths

Notes:

What time is it? It's TIM TIME - let's get this boy some THERAPY (well, not exactly, you'll see what I mean!)

*

I'm sitting here with my wuyi rougui oolong tea, in its giant black and white cup, and tonight I have a meeting with some fellow Perth Druids for the Spring Equinox. For those who asked after my scans and health stuff, thank you! <333 Scan results were 'get more scans, let's rule some stuff out (or in)' and so...appointmentpalooza continues. *makes you all some tea*

Tim the psychologist was broad, with dark brown skin and dark brown eyes and striking eyebrows behind ochre-coloured glasses. He had an open face, like he was ready to smile at anything, and it weirdly reminded him of his mom. He wore jeans and a nice dark red polo shirt, and he reached out and shook Alex’s hand. His grip was firm, but not painful.

‘Hi, Alex. Come sit down. I’m Tim. Harvey’s told you about me. I understand I’m here to do a dyslexia assessment today?’

‘Uh,’ Alex said, swallowing, way too fucking anxious. ‘If you want.’

Alex sat down in the neutral grey armchair that Tim gestured to. There was a room in Harvey’s clinic put aside for the odd specialist that needed a place when they came down. It felt generic, and it smelled like cleaning chemicals. At least Alex didn’t associate them with hospitals as much anymore since he’d started cleaning for other people.

‘All right,’ Tim said, after a faint pause. ‘Sure. Let’s talk a bit about your symptoms first. I’m going to take some notes if that’s all right with you?’

Alex nodded.

‘So, what happens when you read, or try to read? And how long have you had the symptoms for?’

Alex haltingly talked about it, and as he spoke, Tim asked more questions until he started zeroing on the headache symptoms more than the reading comprehension ones.

‘The thing is…’ Tim said quietly, ‘it could be dyslexia, sure, but headaches aren’t a major universal symptom of that. They can be. But they’re definitely a symptom of binocular vision disorder and some other vision issues. You say you’ve never had your eyes tested? Not once? Hm. If there’s a slight misalignment with your binocular vision, caused by like, nerves or something, that can cause headaches, and it can get missed a bit in towns like this. I’m not an ophthalmologist, so I don’t know. It can be misdiagnosed as dyslexia – and you could have both – but the headaches are raising a flag for me. I’m reluctant to put you through a dyslexia assessment if we know it’s going to cause you one of these migraines. We don’t want to send you away impaired.’

Alex frowned. A vision disorder? ‘I can see just fine, though.’

‘Sure! But do you sometimes get a sore head in places where there’s a lot of fluorescent lights? Or…did you ever get motion sick in cars? What about balance issues?’

‘No balance issues,’ Alex said, thinking about the sports he played. ‘But the worst motion sickness. I haven’t been on any long drives since I was a kid because of it. It’s better if I’m the one driving, but only short distances. And, uh, fluorescent lights gave me headaches, but maybe because I mostly only saw them in hospitals and hospitals stress me out.’

‘That’s clever of you, to think there might be a psychological link. But let’s, for now, look at your constellation of symptoms as being pretty strongly indicative of getting you to an eye specialist first.’

‘But…’

Tim looked up, eyebrows lifting, and Alex looked away. He didn’t want to make a fuss. He didn’t want to go to Zuzu. The last time he had to go to Zuzu for medical shit, his grandma was dying. It would be expensive. What was the point, anyway?

‘The thing is,’ Tim said, ‘if it’s not dyslexia, and it’s BVD or something like it, there are specific things that can help your eyes out. A lot. If it’s dyslexia, there’s supportive treatments too. Wouldn’t it be good just to know?’

‘No offence, man, but I really don’t see the point. I mean, Dr Harvey wanted me to do this…’ Alex said, wondering how anyone ever talked about their personal lives to medical professionals. He sounded like a fucking coward. It wasn’t Dr Harvey’s fault. Alex had said yes to this meeting, after all. ‘I don’t like hospitals.’

‘You don’t have to go to a hospital,’ Tim said, putting his notepad down on his knee. ‘The eye clinic I’d be referring you to is part of a mall. It’s easy to find. It’s very tempting to ask you why you don’t like hospitals, but this isn’t a therapy session, and I get the sense a subject like that isn’t for a first therapy session.’

Alex swallowed and nodded. ‘I might not have these things, anyway.’

‘You might not,’ Tim said affably. ‘That’s true! But Alex, being in pain from reading isn’t something you should have to put up with. If you truly have no other choice, then you can find ways to deal with that, with support from folks who know about these things. But maybe you have more choices than you think you do.’

Choices. Alex hated thinking about choices. He hated making decisions. Sometimes it was easier to have a fixed narrative. Easier to know he was stupid, and his father hated him, that his difficulty reading was a sign there was something wrong with him, or that he didn’t have enough willpower. Easier to think he was defective somehow, and nothing could be done.

‘What if the eye doctor just realises I’m stupid?’

‘Is that what you think is happening when you try to read and get headaches?’ Tim said.

Alex nodded.

‘I mean, when you think about it, it’s clever to avoid doing the thing that’s causing you a lot of pain. Right? Even if your teachers didn’t understand, a person who makes a call to avoid pain- Sounds pretty smart to me.’

A tremble moved through Alex’s body, he flexed his fingers. He felt strangely naked and vulnerable. It wasn’t a therapy session, but Tim was a psychologist, and Alex felt some kind of way about this whole appointment. It was scary, but it was also weirdly good to hear a medical professional say something like that to him.

‘You know, eye doctors see this kind of stuff all the time,’ Tim added. ‘It’s their job to help you or tell you they can’t and find a person who can. That’s how that works. And if they can’t, it’s my job to help you, or find other people who can. If you want. Anyway, want to have a mini-session with me right now? See what you think about therapy?’

Alex scratched his elbow and shrugged and then looked towards the door. Tim followed his gaze, and his expression creased, became pained.

‘Now, you don’t have to say yes,’ Tim said.

‘No, it’s- We’re cool, whatever, it’s just- Whatever.’

‘Great,’ Tim said. ‘So I’m going to ask some basic questions about your job, your age, that sort of thing. Just information gathering. We’re not diving deep into bad shit or anything like that. I don’t really work that way. So, tell me about your job.’

‘Uh, I’m- I’m a cleaner. Before that, I did the post-midnight pickups and drop-offs around the farms. I’ve kept to a night schedule ever since.’

Tim nodded, made some notes, asked him about his age, his living situation, if he had any partners – Alex said no – and if he had any pets. Also, no. God, he missed Dusty so much. He was the best dog.

‘If you were to pick, say…one or two things you’d want to improve about your life, what would they be?’

Alex frowned. ‘I guess, um, I mean, things are better on the job front. Do I have to pick anything? Should it be emotional or something?’

‘It can be anything you like,’ Tim said.

‘I kind of wish the things people said to me didn’t…get to me so much. It feels so stupid when things are going better in my life – or better than they have in a while – and one person can say something, and it ruins my whole day.’

Or my whole week.

‘That’s a gooood one,’ Tim said, drawing the word out as he wrote it down. ‘Nice. Okay. Anything else?’

‘I’d like to fall out of love with someone. Maybe. I mean, no, I don’t really want that. I kind of want them to…’

…Love me back.

Alex sighed.

‘I don’t know.’

‘I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is there’s no magic wand for falling out of love with someone. The good news is, I can still help with both things. Or, I’d like to think I could. I’m a strengths-based therapist with social work training, so the way I work is by looking at actual problems you’re having, and then looking at your strengths as a person, and seeing if we can bring those in to shore up areas that might feel fragile or unstable.’

Alex nodded, uncertain. He thought he was supposed to cry and talk about really heavy shit, and he didn’t want to.

‘I’ll give you an example,’ Tim continued. ‘Let’s say a reason the things people say gets to you so much is because you don’t feel very strong inside yourself, or you don’t like aspects of yourself. So we’d talk about the things you are skilled or competent at, and methods of taking care of yourself when you feel heavy or guilty. It’s not magic. There’s no quick solution. And sometimes things are still gonna break through! We all have something that we’re going to feel hurt by if someone is hurtful to us. And sometimes that’s supposed to ruin our day, so we know when a boundary around personal respect has been violated. Like, sometimes feeling terrible happens because…something terrible happened.’

Alex had nodded at first just to show he was listening, but by the end he was nodding because it resonated. Especially after Demetrius. Especially after how Dr Harvey and Sebastian had reacted when he’d opened up about it.

‘How about we talk about some of your strengths and leave it there, and you can decide if you want to see me again in a few weeks? Or sooner?’

Alex nodded again, even as he thought: Good luck finding any strengths at all, but whatever.

‘You’re not a man of many words, I see,’ Tim said, grinning.

‘Yeah, I don’t talk much.’

‘So, would you say one of your strengths is being observant? Or being good at listening to people?’

Alex blinked. He looked down at the floor.

‘Um. Maybe? I guess.’

He thought about Haley and relaxed into the chair a bit more.

‘My closest friend says I’m a good listener,’ he said.

‘That’s great,’ Tim said. ‘What about observant?’

‘Yeah, I notice things,’ Alex said. ‘It’s good for cleaning.’

‘So you’re good at cleaning too? Is that true everywhere? Some people who do something for their job don’t want to do it when they get home.’

‘I like to live in a clean house,’ Alex said. ‘My grandma liked it, so I guess I picked it up. When she got sick and couldn’t do it anymore, I did it.’

And when Dad whaled on Mom until she couldn’t stand for a few days, I learned it then too.

‘I’ve got to give you some props for that. I can keep most of a house clean, but I always seem to need one room to be a disaster. So you like an organised space. You’re observant. You’re good at cleaning, which means you’re good at your job.’

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said quickly. ‘I don’t know if that’s true. I didn’t do any training for it, or any education. It was just that someone asked me to do it for him because he knew he’d struggle to find a cleaner who works at night like he does, and I said I’d do it. And then other people heard about it, and now I’m doing it for like two other people around town.’

And Willy too, eventually, but maybe that doesn’t count yet.

‘I might be terrible at it,’ Alex added.

‘At a time like this, we can either accept the idea that you’re terrible at it as being true, or we can objectively look at some facts, okay? Are people hiring you to come back?’

‘Uh, yeah. Everyone is.’

‘And are they all telling you they like the work you do?’

Alex nodded, his cheeks turning red. ‘Um, except for one person who told me I wasn’t trained and that I was missing things. But his wife disagreed with him, and she was the one who hired me.’

‘So that’s one person who didn’t hire you. But everyone who’s actually in charge of hiring you and paying you money, they all like what you do and are asking you to come back, right?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Great. I can see where you want to give that one guy a lot of weight here, but let’s give these other people the same amount of weight, at least. In fact, how about we give them some more weight, since they’re ones hiring you. Actually, how about that guy gets 10% weighting here, and the rest get 90%, since they’re the ones paying you as well. They’re literally the ones putting their money where their mouths are, so to speak. So that means you’re 90% great at cleaning. And no one can be perfect, right? So we’re going to take that as meaning you’re good at your job and have a real strength at cleaning here.’

Alex stared at Tim feeling like he was seeing him freshly all over again. Tim had done that so easily. Just…broken it all down like that.

Alex had never thought about giving things weight like that before. He just went by how bad something felt. Demetrius’ words had cut him so badly, Alex assumed they had to be truer than anything else he was hearing.

He took a breath and exhaled heavily, because this was hard.

‘I just want to say you’re doing really well, staying with me on this,’ Tim said. ‘When you’re not used to looking at yourself based on your strengths, it’s really hard to start. Do you feel like there’s a part of you that wants to balance out what I’m saying by pointing out your weaknesses? The things you think are negative about you?’

Alex nodded, because yeah, he really wanted to do that.

‘Sure. I respect that. If you see me again, you’re going to get to say all of those things. We can look at them too. It’s not bad to have an ability to be self-critical, or to worry that someone else is seeing you through rose-tinted glasses. But those things can be used to sabotage ourselves, or maybe you’ve lived a life that has given that self-critical strength way, way more weighting than anything else in your mind.’

Alex felt kind of pacified, and he wondered how other people handled therapy like this. Maybe most people just knew what their strengths were. Sebastian seemed to know what he was good at.

Strangely, he thought of Jodi babbling to him nervously because she was so anxious about her house not being clean, because she thought it should look a certain way. He imagined her in a session like this and realised it probably wasn’t just him who found this stuff challenging.

‘Do people find this easy?’ Alex asked.

‘Oh no,’ Tim said, laughing. ‘No, they don’t. A few people do. They’re often the people who don’t need to see a therapist that much. Or they’re a small subset of people who really need to see one. Most people find this very uncomfortable at first. The human mind has a bias towards negativity. That means by default we’re more likely to give a lot of value and weight to things that go wrong or feel bad. In fact, this is true of most animals. It helps us survive.

‘So that’s our starting point as human animals, to never see or feel the positive as much as the negative. Some humans with a great, safe upbringing, or who have a lot of privilege, or who just have a good well of support and resources…they can focus on their strengths enough that they enjoy life. But some of us can swing all the way to viewing ourselves only through our weaknesses. I can be like that. It’s one of the reasons I got into therapy. I wanted to understand my mind more.’

‘Did it help?’

‘It did,’ Tim said, with a half-smile. ‘Getting my own therapist helped more. There’s something about that human connection which makes it different. I can know deep down that I’m a good listener. But it helps to hear it from my friends.’

Alex felt like he was going to spend most of his time nodding around Tim. He agreed, but he had nothing to add.

Tim wrapped the session up soon after, and asked Alex to think about the potential of therapy for helping him not take things so personally, and Alex felt like maybe he could do it. Maybe.

He followed Tim out, and Tim went straight to Dr Harvey and said Alex should have a script for motion sickness pills to take before going on long drives, especially if he was going to Zuzu for the eye exam.

‘He’s never had his eyes tested,’ Tim said, while Alex stood right there. ‘It could be dyslexia, but I’m reluctant to put him through that kind of physical pain when it could be a visual processing issue. If it’s not, we’ll go from there.’

‘Sure!’ Dr Harvey said.

Alex watched quietly nearby, and when he offered to pay, Tim shook his head.

‘I do assessments in the Valley for free, especially since this is the assessment you should’ve had as a kid, and kids are covered.’

‘But the- The therapy session?’

‘We’ll add “good ethics around finance” to your strengths list if we get to see each other again,’ Tim said, his smile friendly. ‘But it’s all good, Alex. I sprung that on you out of nowhere. Harvey here can tell you the costs of sessions next time if you decide to book to see me. It’d be good to see you again!’

He waved at Dr Harvey as he left the clinic, and Alex stood there, then covered his mouth when he yawned. The appointment hadn’t lasted the full hour, but he was tired.

‘What did you think?’ Dr Harvey said.

‘My dad never believed in therapy,’ Alex said, staring at the door Tim had left through. ‘Maybe that’s a good enough reason to try it.’

‘It’s not for everyone,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘But when it works, it can be really helpful.’

Alex thought of Sebastian. He tried not to be excited that he was seeing him tomorrow, especially because it wasn’t like he had any guarantee Sebastian would even be there. But Alex had a visceral craving, and he was getting antsy. He just wanted Sebastian to grab him and pin him to something, and then do whatever he wanted. Even if it hurt. Maybe even because it hurt, but still felt so fucking good.

Ah, shit, talk about things he shouldn’t be thinking about in a doctor’s office.

‘Let’s organise the motion sickness script now,’ Dr Harvey said. ‘I’ll write up a referral to the clinic Tim mentioned, and they’ll call you to arrange an appointment.’

‘Thanks. Hey, can we- Did you want to hang out soon? Like, not as an appointment?’

‘I’d love that,’ Dr Harvey said, like he really meant it.

Despite how stressful everything had been, on the walk home, Alex felt lighter. He didn’t know if it was because he’d worked out a time to see Dr Harvey and just hang, or if it was because Tim had told him about that weighting thing around cleaning and it felt believable.

He walked over to the lake and stood on the bridge and stared out into the town. In a few weeks, the fireflies would be out. It made the night schedule worth it. Maybe he could show Sebastian, because no one got to see them properly unless they stood overlooking the right kind of meadow, and Alex had seen a bunch around farms.

He wanted to text Sebastian something, but he didn’t know if he should, if it was appropriate. He didn’t want to ruin what he already had.

Haley had asked if it was fun to sleep with Sebastian, and sure, most of the time it was okay. But at times like this, feeling like he was only getting scraps and wasn’t worth anything more, it pressed down on him.

Alex was greedy. Success at sports and then being determined to go pro, cleaning and wanting to be the best at it, and craving more of Sebastian’s time and attention…

He was greedy.

Somehow, he didn’t think that was a strength.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Trembling Candles in the Night":

"‘Maybe. And maybe you’ll hate it. I don’t know. Also, do you need a word to stop everything if you can’t handle it?’

What the fuck?

‘Like if you need to tap out. You might need something like that.’

‘I don’t need a girly fucking word to tap out,’ Alex said indignantly. ‘What kind of weak-ass piece of-’

Sebastian held up a hand. His expression had changed so quickly. He almost looked mad. Alex didn’t know what the big deal was.

‘You like to struggle,’ Sebastian said. ‘We talked about everything after, you’re turned on today, we’re both thinking about shit we’ve done and want to do more of it, but you also told me it hurt, to wait, to not push as deep, and that I had to stop, and I didn’t. And I could tell you were into that, but what am I going to do if you really mean it?’"

*

I'm on Tumblr! Definitely posting excerpts to these chapters :D I've updated some of the tags with minor stuff. It's time for Alex and Sebastian to finally FINALLY deal with Alex blurting the whole 'I don't masturbate anymore' before running out on Sebastian, lmao.

Chapter 45: Trembling Candles in the Night

Notes:

I have four appointments on four separate days this week! Three of them will be over an hour long! One will involve a face cage for a solid 60 minutes (that's the head/neck MRI). Honestly this should be against the law and I should be paid in compensation for this, in this essay I will

*

Note: Alex is offered the chance at a safeword in this chapter (though it’s not called that), and he pretty vigorously and vehemently rejects it as a sign of weakness. Just a reminder that I, as the author, obviously don’t agree with that stance lol. There is absolutely never any shame in using any safeword at all, and it should be used freely and with a sense of ease and trust with your partner. But Alex will do as Alex does, and you’re a fool if you’re trying to learn about kink from fiction. Also, Alex has some misogyny stuff he needs to deal with.

*

And with that, this fic has cracked 150k in words!

On Saturday, Alex felt breathless as he vacuumed Sebastian’s house, because of the way Sebastian had looked at him when he’d come in. There was a promise in his dark eyes as Sebastian turned fully away from the computer to stare, hand on the computer mouse, and he didn’t say a word. Alex, right then, could’ve dropped to his knees in front of Sebastian, pushed his thighs apart and gotten to a different kind of work entirely.

Apparently Alex was not just gay, but a super fucking concentrated version of gay. Now that he’d had a taste, he just wanted more. Maybe it was because he never had a proper period of fooling around as a teen, he didn’t know, but he was disappointed when Sebastian didn’t come after him and pin him to the laundry counter.

Alex was half-hard while he dusted, while he wiped counters, while he left cleaning sprays to soak into shower tiles, while he changed bedding. He adjusted himself several times, frustrated, never fully hard, but never fully soft, either. And now he was finishing up with the vacuuming, and his balls ached, and his dick felt hypersensitive, and his spine had that low heavy weight in it, which he associated with wanting to come his fucking brains out.

‘Fuck me,’ he whispered under his breath, not that Sebastian could hear him over the hum of the vacuum.

When he was done, he walked down to the kitchen, and normally he’d let Sebastian make all the choices, but he stood in the doorway while Sebastian assembled sandwiches and briefly locked his hands together before forcing them apart again.

‘We’re doing something today, right? Or are you too busy with work?’

Sebastian stilled and then laughed like he couldn’t quite believe what Alex had said. ‘You have no idea how hard it is to leave you to finish your shift.’

‘You didn’t have to.’

‘I’m trying to be at least semi-professional, as your boss or whatever.’

Alex almost said something about how he really wouldn’t mind his boss fucking him on the bed he’d just cleaned, but held back. First, they’d basically already done that, and second, it might spook Sebastian too much to hear how eager Alex was.

‘Besides,’ Sebastian said, ‘just because you know you’re kind of a masochist doesn’t mean you’re ready for all the things I want to do to you.’

‘Try me,’ Alex said.

Sebastian stared at him with an eyebrow arched, and Alex’s cock was really pissing him off at this point. Just this constant need between his legs. He needed something to happen soon, or he was going to lose his fucking mind.

‘We’re gonna eat first,’ Sebastian said. ‘We need to have a chat.’

‘Fuck,’ Alex muttered.

‘It’s not bad, it’s just- You basically ran out last time, and I have some questions.’

‘Double fuck.’

He joined Sebastian at the table and started eating so he wouldn’t have to talk, and to his credit, he didn’t choke when Sebastian said:

‘You said you haven’t gotten off in a while. And you don’t like thinking about other people because it’s violating? So you don’t- I mean, this is fucking unreal, but you don’t get off? Or do you jerk it and just not think about anything?’

‘I don’t really, um, do anything,’ Alex said. ‘Like at all.’

Sebastian was the one who was eating slower than Alex today. It was the opposite of how it normally went.

‘Yeah, so, I can tell this is something you don’t want to think about,’ Sebastian said abruptly.

‘Yep.’

‘So today I’m gonna make you jerk off in front of me.’

Alex dropped the sandwich back onto his plate, and it opened up and all the salad fell out. He stared down at it, cheeks flaming, then stared at Sebastian, who was staring at him like he was double daring him to back out.

‘You’re gonna wrap your hand around your cock in front of me, and you’re gonna tell me all the things you’re imagining that I’m doing to you.’

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, his cock wasn’t half-hard anymore, and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Fucking hell, his balls were killing him. This was so stupid.

‘Uh.’

‘And then after, when you’re tired from having blown your load, I’m going to do some of those things to you. I’m definitely going to fuck you.’

‘You…’

‘Finish your sandwich.’

Alex stared down at his sandwich, and a few seconds later, Sebastian laughed.

‘Finish your sandwich, go on,’ he said, his voice gentler. Not that firm commanding tone it’d been. That made Alex’s brain short circuit. ‘You’re so fucking easy.’

‘Shut up,’ Alex said weakly.

‘I thought about sitting you down on the couch and having a big talk about it, but what’s the point? You’ll basically hate it. At least this way you’ll get an orgasm out of it, and I’ll understand you better.’

‘I don’t even know if I can do that in front of you.’

I bet I could.

‘You totally can,’ Sebastian said. ‘Hey, can you stay over? You’ll probably want to after everything. I think you’ll be pretty wiped out.’

‘You’re not that fucking amazing,’ Alex grumbled.

‘So, as you found out last time,’ Sebastian said, all business-like, ‘it can be overwhelming to be fucked after you’ve just come. And this won’t be like last time where you’re hard and turned on when I get inside you. It’ll be after. I want that from you.’

‘What if I hate it?’

‘I mean, I want you to hate some of it in that way where you still want to be good for me, and still get something out of it. The good masochism.’

‘I hate you,’ Alex said, and Sebastian laughed. He reached out and ate some of the lettuce off Alex’s plate. ‘I can stay the night.’

‘Can I fuck you when I wake up, too?’

Alex stared at him. ‘Won’t you be wiped out?’

‘Maybe. And maybe you’ll hate it. I don’t know. Also, do you need a word to stop everything if you can’t handle it?’

What the fuck?

‘Like if you need to tap out. You might need something like that.’

‘I don’t need a girly fucking word to tap out,’ Alex said indignantly. ‘What kind of weak-ass piece of-’

Sebastian held up a hand. His expression had changed so quickly. He almost looked mad. Alex didn’t know what the big deal was.

‘You like to struggle,’ Sebastian said. ‘We talked about everything after, you’re turned on today, we’re both thinking about shit we’ve done and want to do more of it, but you also told me it hurt, to wait, to not push as deep, and that I had to stop, and I didn’t. And I could tell you were into that, but what am I going to do if you really mean it?’

‘I mean, I really meant that it fucking hurt,’ Alex said, frowning. ‘I wasn’t lying.’

‘No, I know, but like- Come on, be real with me. How am I going to know if you’ve had enough?’

‘You’ll fucking know.’

Sebastian folded his arms, unimpressed, and Alex felt like a little kid getting scolded. It was kind of hot, but he also hated it. He pressed his lips together in a small frown and just wanted to get to the bedroom already, even if he was pretty sure he couldn’t jerk off in front of Sebastian, he was also pretty sure he could coax Sebastian into bypassing that part completely. Surely dudes forgot what they were thinking about once a mouth was on their cock.

‘I don’t know!’ Alex exploded. ‘I’ll deck you? I’ll start crying like a little girl? My ass will tighten so much your dick will fall off? I don’t know. I like the shit we’ve done, okay? Even if I’ve hated some of it in the moment. Why’re you acting like I suddenly want the softest, nicest-’

‘Alex, I’m talking about literally fucking you after you’ve come, and I already know you’re not gonna love it based on what we’ve done before – I enjoy that, that’s why I want to do it – and it’s not going to be like last time. I’m going to be opening you up, and you’re not going to get hard during it, your prostate’s probably going to feel too sensitive, at least for a while, and then I’m gonna make a good effort to make you cry. So work with me here.’

‘You could just not be a fucking asshole,’ Alex said, but he could hear in his voice how petulant he sounded.

He wanted Sebastian to do that to him, and he scrunched his hand into his shirt underneath the table. Why was he like this? The idea of Sebastian doing what he wanted, making it hurt. Why did it feel so fucking good to think about?

‘I want you to do what you want,’ Alex said roughly, pushing the plate away. ‘I haven’t hated any of it. I’ve never spent so long as hard as I’ve been the last few weeks, and today’s been a fucking nightmare.’

‘Stand up then,’ Sebastian said, his voice dark.

Alex stood automatically.

‘Go brush your teeth,’ he said, pointing down the corridor. ‘There’s a toothbrush in the bathroom you can use. The wrapped one.’

‘I thought that was a new one for you.’ Alex’s eyes widened. ‘Wait, did you plan to have me sleep over?’

‘I thought it was a possibility.’

‘You could’ve just told me. Like, in advance. I wouldn’t’ve said no.’

Sebastian shrugged, pointed harder down the corridor, and Alex walked down it while Sebastian cleaned up the plates.

As Alex brushed his teeth, the nerves were back again. It was easy to banter with Sebastian, but the insecurities crawled back into him afterwards. Not over needing some stupid word to “tap out” or whatever, but over them not having the kind of connection where they talked outside of work, where Alex couldn’t just message him and ask what was going to happen, where Sebastian wouldn’t ask him to stay the night in advance.

He also hated how desperate he’d sounded. Could Sebastian tell Alex would do anything for him at this point? That was fucking terrifying. He knew – he just knew he couldn’t jerk off in front of Sebastian. But he also knew once they got started, he could just trick Sebastian into fucking him or just crawl over to him and blow him or something.

He shivered at the idea of Sebastian fucking him post-orgasm. Last time that had felt like turning his nerves inside out. He understood why Sebastian was warning him, in a way, because while Haley might have multiple orgasms, Alex needed a period of time after where he needed that whole area to be left alone. He wished it wasn’t true, but it was. And Sebastian wanted to use him when he was that oversensitive.

Alex looked over his face in the mirror. He’d shaved with the electric shaver, so he still had a small amount of stubble because he didn’t like to be fully clean-shaven all the time anymore. Would Sebastian mind?

Would that mean they wouldn’t kiss?

Ah, have I fucked up already?

Sebastian came into the bathroom as Alex finished up, and as he walked out, Sebastian tugged at Alex’s shirt.

‘Strip for me,’ Sebastian said. ‘I want you on my bed, naked. You’re not too cold?’

Alex shook his head, and Sebastian smirked.

Yeah, how the fuck did he tell anyone that he’d hated Sebastian’s bullying as a teenager, but he craved the version he got now? The one where Sebastian said shit like this, but also held him, and made him food, and looked after him? Where Sebastian’s teasing was around orgasms and really intense sex that made him feel like he was winning at something? The idea of telling someone like Tim made him want to laugh or scream. Probably both.

He stripped off, awkwardly folding his clothes, leaving his socks on, and then pulling them off. The tap in the bathroom was running, Sebastian was brushing his teeth, Alex wondered if that meant they’d be kissing.

He sat on the bed and drummed his fingers on his thighs, tried to ignore how embarrassing it felt to be sitting here with his cock hard between his legs, pointing up.

Dumb.

Sebastian came out and pulled off his shirt one-handed, and it was the sickest shit Alex had ever seen. It was fucking annoying how cool he’d become. He’d been such a fucking goth nerd. And now he shook his hair back into place and gave Alex a confident look as he undid the button fly on his jeans.

Good, make it easier for me to come over and suck you, so I don’t have to follow your dumb plan.

‘Lean back against the headboard,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’ll be more comfortable.’

‘I could blow you right now,’ Alex said. ‘You could choke me.’

Sebastian’s hands stilled, and he looked up like he wanted nothing more. Alex was just about to mentally high five himself when Sebastian smiled.

‘Keep trying,’ Sebastian said. ‘But go lean back against the headboard while you do it.’

‘I don’t have to listen to you.’

‘Yeah, but you’ll do it anyway, won’t you?’

Alex turned and moved towards the headboard, annoyed, moving the pillows grumpily until they could rest at his lower back. He lifted his knees so Sebastian couldn’t look at his cock.

Sebastian got onto the bed from the other side and crawled over. He leaned against the headboard too, but he faced Alex, turned in, hand resting possessively on Alex’s knee.

‘I can tell you’re nervous,’ Sebastian said.

‘I’m not.’

‘So jack yourself off then.’

Alex tensed reflexively, and Sebastian stroked the taut muscles of his thigh languidly.

‘Want me to help?’ Sebastian said. ‘It’ll be hot to see you do this.’

Alex really didn’t see how that was possible. But he nodded, because yeah, whatever help Sebastian wanted to offer, actually, so he could do as little of this as possible.

Sebastian locked his fingers between Alex’s – his palm on the back of Alex’s hand – and then drew both of their hands over to Alex’s cock. Alex’s arm tensed, and Sebastian ignored it, wrapping Alex’s palm around his own cock, their fingers both curling around the tight flesh. Alex hissed at the contact, didn’t want to look, so he stared at the other side of the room.

‘Who taught you it was wrong to think about other people?’ Sebastian asked. ‘Or that it’s violating?’

‘No one,’ Alex gasped, as Sebastian forced Alex’s hand to move on himself.

‘Do you use lube when you jack off?’

Alex shook his head.

‘So this is fine?’

‘I… We don’t need to do this at all, we could-’

‘Yeah, I know,’ Sebastian said, his voice softer, but still teasing. ‘I know we don’t need to do this. How do you do it? Faster?’

‘Normally I just get it over and done with as quickly as possible.’

‘You gotta breathe, Alex. It helps.’

‘Fuck you, man.’ His hands tensed, he gripped himself tighter without meaning to, and his next exhale was a shocked sound. Ah, fuck, it felt good. He wanted to move his hand with Sebastian’s, wanted to pull away and let Sebastian give him a handjob like that time in his home gym.

‘So you want to think about me when you jack off, huh? What would you think about?’

‘Just…stuff,’ Alex said.

‘Come on,’ Sebastian coaxed, moving closer, pressing his mouth to Alex’s shoulder and scraping his teeth over his skin. ‘Tell me. It’ll be our secret.’

Alex made a soft sound, and Sebastian’s hand was just fucking teasing him. If he wanted things to go faster, Alex would have to make it happen himself. He held back a groan, because he liked this too. He’d never do this to himself. It was too leisurely, too much about pleasure and not about coming.

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said desperately, closing his eyes.

‘Just one thing.’

‘I used to- I used to think about you pushing me down and shoving your cock in my mouth. Just doing it whenever you felt like it.’

Sebastian’s hand slowed for a moment.

‘You used to? You don’t think about it anymore?’

Oh shit. Oh shit, he doesn’t know how far back this goes. Ah, fuck.

‘Um, just because- Just because I don’t jack off anymore.’

‘Damn, Alex, you know you can just- You can fantasise about whatever you want.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘Tell me something else. What have you thought about? What kind of stuff would you think of while jerking off?’

Alex groaned. He fucking hated this. He shook his head, and Sebastian’s hand slowed and then stopped completely. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes and could’ve died at the way Sebastian was looking at him.

‘Come on,’ Alex said.

‘I mean, your hand’s here too. You can start moving whenever you like.’

Alex’s head dropped. ‘I just wanna- I’ve been hard for hours.’

‘Poor baby.’

‘Fuck off,’ Alex said under his breath. His fingers curled around himself, but he couldn’t force his hand to move. He felt so humiliated. Sebastian started moving his wrist again, started moving both of their hands around Alex’s cock. He squeezed Alex’s fingers, made his grip tighten around himself. And when he released the pressure, Alex couldn’t, too addicted to how good it felt.

‘Tell me what you imagine,’ Sebastian said. ‘What’d you imagine today?’

‘Ah, no, just- I don’t know. You fucking me. I don’t care what it is. It’s so stupid. Even- Even when… Even when I got here…’

‘Tell me.’

‘I just- I can’t. No one talks about this shit.’

‘They fucking do. Tell me.’

Alex grimaced, then his mouth opened on a long inhale as Sebastian’s hand tightened again. The squeeze ached inside, made his cock jump, but it felt so fucking good.

‘I just- Everything. I think of everything. You pushing me down in the hall and fucking me there. Or in the laundry, while the washing machine is going. You’re not even nice about it. Like, we might kiss, sometimes, I guess, but mostly you just show me what you want by taking it from me.’

‘Fuck,’ Sebastian said under his breath, and then he was pressing in closer, biting at Alex’s upper arm hard enough to sting. Alex breathed heavily, his forearm tensed, and then he was jerking himself off faster. He expected Sebastian to fight the change in pace, but he didn’t. He cooperated, copying Alex’s speed.

‘It drives me nuts,’ Alex said breathlessly, ‘the shit I imagine. You fucking me, and then making me work after, while I’m sore and you’re…spilling out of me. Like maybe you don’t let me clean up after.’

Had Sebastian’s hand sped up on his cock? Or was it his own? Alex spread his legs without thinking.

‘But you’re into people being clean, so you probably wouldn’t like that,’ Alex added.

‘There’s butt plugs,’ Sebastian said roughly, against Alex’s skin. ‘I could pop one into you, like a large one, and you could complain to me about how you didn’t want to clean through that feeling of my come being inside you, your hole stretched out on a sex toy. And I’d stand there and make you.’

Alex made a punched-out sound, because that was how it felt.

‘S’not very professional,’ Alex managed, his voice deeper than before.

‘I don’t think we’re very professional at all,’ Sebastian said, exhaling so hard that Alex felt it cold against his chest. ‘If you had a plug in you, I wouldn’t even need to prep you to fuck you again. I could just pull it out and get into you, bruise you up inside.’

Alex’s hand sped up a lot more at that, and he slid down the headboard, heels moving across the fresh quilt he’d placed down not that long ago.

‘Please,’ Alex managed.

‘You’re the one in control,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’m going to move my hand away.’

‘No, don’t!’ Alex said, reaching out with his other hand to keep Sebastian in place. He fucking couldn’t do it without Sebastian’s hand helping him. He just couldn’t.

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, like he somehow understood. ‘Okay, Alex. Keep going. You want me to keep talking? Or you want to tell me if you’re going to imagine it when you jack off to me at home later?’

‘I’m gonna… It’s okay? I can?’

‘Fucking- Yes, Alex.’

‘I’m gonna see it all the time now,’ Alex said. ‘Even though I’ll probably hate it, I’m gonna…’

He was way too fucking close, even with the hiccup of Sebastian threatening to take his hand away.

‘You’re so good,’ Sebastian said, and Alex felt a jerk of heat in him, a thick sudden rise of tension in his pelvis and balls, and he would’ve felt embarrassed at how easy it was to come when Sebastian said shit like that, but it didn’t matter, because a few seconds later Alex was shaking, coming, panting hard through it as Sebastian squeezed both of their hands hard around his cock, moving fast, hard, hungry.

Alex sank back heavily against the headboard. Hadn’t realised how tense he’d become, how he’d lifted away from it. He gasped for breath, and when he went to uncurl his hand from himself, exhausted and sated, Sebastian kept their hands in place.

Alex opened his eyes. Sebastian was leaning up and over at him, staring down at him.

‘I’m gonna fuck you now,’ Sebastian said darkly. ‘Give you something else to fantasise about next time.’

How fucking embarrassing. That gulping actually made a sound. But Sebastian didn’t seem to care as he bent down and kissed Alex like he really didn’t give a shit about the stubble.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Invitations and Revelations:

"Sebastian was silent for a time and then pushed his chair back. Alex looked at him in alarm, but Sebastian stared at the table.

‘…Shit,’ Sebastian said, as though to himself.

Alex waited.

‘I like you,’ Sebastian said, meeting his eyes square on. ‘I think I like you a lot, hey.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr! I'd say it's where all the cool people are but I'm there so this is clearly untrue, come join me if you, too, are deeply uncool and say things like 'rad' unironically

Chapter 46: Invitations and Revelations

Notes:

Note: Tomato sauce is not ketchup but if you don’t have it where you live, it’s the closest thing.

Alex bit down into the pillow when Sebastian slid a lubricant-wet finger inside him. Alex was stomach down now, sated and tired, and Sebastian was right. It was going to feel like all of his senses were on fire when Sebastian fucked him. Even his finger felt fucking huge. He’d had that cock in him, and even now the finger felt…

Fucking…damn it.

Sebastian moved his finger searchingly, pressing in, pressing down, kneeling between Alex’s legs. His other hand moved almost randomly on Alex’s back, as though soothing him, but also just wanting to touch him.

‘This is insane,’ Sebastian said, pushing in with another finger as Alex made a strangled sound, arms tensing.

Yeah, this was way harder when he was soft.

‘What’s insane?’ Alex managed.

‘Just…the shit I want to do to you. How much I want to do it.’

‘I’m not stopping you.’

‘Ha,’ Sebastian breathed. ‘You’re so dangerous.’

Alex didn’t think he was dangerous at all. Sebastian was the one who could call this off at a moment’s notice. It wasn’t like Alex was going to.

Blunt fingertips skating over Alex’s prostate felt electrically uncomfortable, and when Sebastian then pushed into it, Alex tried to jackknife into a ball to escape the strange pain-threat-too-much of it all. Sebastian’s hand on his back pushed him firmly down, kept him lying flat, so all Alex ended up doing was pressing his thighs tight to Sebastian’s body and kicking his feet down into the bed.

‘Sore?’ Sebastian said like he fucking knew and that’s why he was doing it.

‘Feel like I’m gonna- Like I’m gonna piss myself,’ Alex choked. ‘Yes, it’s sore!’

‘You’re fine,’ Sebastian said, like he was smiling, amused. But he lightened up the pressure on his prostate, and Alex groaned thickly, feeling like he had a stomachache but lower down. Sebastian’s cock was going to press over that every single time.

‘Just get it over and done with,’ Alex groaned.

Sebastian moved his fingers idly inside him, though the lazy movements - just because they were gentle - didn’t feel nice. Alex was feeling post-nut clarity, he was pretty sure. Of course Sebastian talked him into this while he was turned on and would’ve said yes to anything.

‘I’m tired,’ Alex grumped.

‘That’s why you’re staying the night.’

‘Don’t wanna hurt anymore.’

‘That’s why I’m doing it.’

Alex heard a click of the lubricant cap and twisted to look behind him, shuddering when he saw Sebastian slicking his cock liberally with lubricant. That cock was a fucking weapon, shining like that, standing out from his body. Alex swallowed, and Sebastian just grinned.

‘Bro, so not cool,’ Alex said, turning back to the pillows. He had one arm underneath them, feeling some kind of way about Sebastian doing this to him after he’d already come.

A part of his brain and body thought it was cool to do this for someone. He both really didn’t want to have a cock inside him, and he really wanted Sebastian to get his sadistic rocks off.

Alex couldn’t help tensing when Sebastian slid the fat head of his cock between Alex’s ass cheeks, grinding down but not in, catching his hole but not entering. He grunted when Sebastian bumped into his balls and slid back up again.

‘Fuck you,’ Alex said into the pillows.

‘You’re so sulky. Gonna give you something to really sulk about.’

A stinging slap at his hip, and Alex growled.

‘You have such a nice ass,’ Sebastian said, and Alex rolled his eyes, secretly pleased. Though he reached back to smack Sebastian’s wrist when his hip was slapped again.

Sebastian grabbed Alex’s forearm and pinned it to his mid-back. It didn’t hurt, and Alex felt a bolt of heat inside him at being restrained.

And then Sebastian’s cock was pressing inside, and Alex’s feet tensed, his toes curled, because the stretch was way sharper today than the first time. He panted, head facing sideways, forehead furrowed, and he hated the higher, whining sound that came out of him, but he couldn’t help it.

‘Just let me get the head in,’ Sebastian said, moving back a little and readjusting his cock. ‘It’ll get easier after that.’

‘Won’t.’

‘No, it won’t,’ Sebastian agreed. And then he laughed. ‘Let’s road-test that masochism of yours, yeah?’

Sebastian pushed forward again, and for a moment, it didn’t feel like Sebastian was going to get it in, like he was just pushing fruitlessly. But Alex was caught off guard by a sudden, sharp stretch that hurt worse than the slaps and fingering Sebastian, and he cried out as Sebastian slid several inches in at once. Alex stilled, trying to process what just happened.

‘Bit more,’ Sebastian breathed.

He pulled back slightly, keeping Alex’s arm pinned to his back, and then thrust in harder than he had the first time, and Alex couldn’t even cry out. The breath was shocked out of him.

Sebastian fucked into him meanly. Tiny withdrawals, sharp thrusts in, and when that cock met his prostate, Alex spread his legs, his hips wiggled as he tried to avoid it.

‘Okay, no, let me blow you or something,’ Alex pleaded.

‘Oh no, it hurts? Like I told you it would?’ Sebastian’s tone was so mocking, and Alex ground his teeth together, forehead creasing.

‘Fuck you!’

‘Gonna…do just that.’

Alex wanted to struggle, but he felt weak, his muscles sore. He couldn’t help squirming, sometimes even trying to get away as Sebastian got deeper into him. He whimpered into the pillow, would tell anyone else he couldn’t make sounds like that, and hugged the pillow close to his head, grinding his forehead into it.

That pain deep inside, though Alex knew what it was now, it didn’t stop him trying to twist his hips away from Sebastian as he ground down in small circles to get past the bend in him.

When Sebastian’s pelvis met his, tears came to Alex’s eyes at how intense it all felt. He was sore, he wasn’t hard, he didn’t want to come, he felt split open and used, and a part of him fucking loved it, and he felt sorry for himself, and he wanted Sebastian to comfort and pet him, and instead Sebastian was doing this.

But he might get comforted and petted after, and there was something that made him feel so fucking strong that he could – probably – handle this for Sebastian. To be in pain, and struggle, and know Sebastian thought it was fucking awesome.

If only it didn’t hurt so much. If only his nerves didn’t scream at him. Sometimes he really didn’t know if he could handle it.

‘Hey, you good?’ Sebastian said, mouth resting on Alex’s hair as he bent down.

Alex squinted. Okay, he didn’t want to be petted now. Was this like needing that fucking tap-out word? Stupid.

‘Really don’t know how to answer that right now,’ Alex managed. ‘But yeah.’

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said darkly, grinding his hip in a circle. Alex choked.

‘Just let me fight and get it over and done with.’

‘You’re literally so perfect right now.’

‘Excuse you, I’m perfect all the t-’

Alex cried out as Sebastian started a deep rocking with his hips, and swore vehemently, overwhelmed and needing a way to cope with it. His arm was still pinned behind his back, which was damp with sweat. His cock ached, his balls, his fucking hole felt like there was sandpaper inside it, even with all the lubricant.

But then Sebastian breathed shakily above him, and Alex groaned softly, helplessly, at the idea that he was making Sebastian feel good. The fucker didn’t sound like he was smirking now.

Sebastian fucked in ways that felt mean, the way he’d grind in and chase the soreness in Alex’s gut, or pull out completely and stab back in. Alex cried out, yelped, and then groaned as teeth bit into his shoulders, his sides of his arms. The bites weren’t too hard, but every one felt so possessive, so hungry, like Sebastian wasn’t getting enough even though he was breathing unsteadily, like he was really enjoying himself.

‘You sore?’ Sebastian said, as Alex made a strangled sound because, yeah, he was.

‘Fuck you,’ Alex managed, panting.

‘Just checking.’

‘Come soon,’ Alex said.

Sebastian made a sound like that turned him on even more, and then laughed. ‘We’ll see.’

But it was only another couple of minutes - way too long, Alex’s hole felt fucking raw - and Sebastian’s movements became uneven, and he gave several sharp thrusts before burying deep and letting go of Alex’s forearm to slide both arms forcibly beneath his torso instead, squeezing him tight.

Alex kept his eyes open, he wanted to sleep off feeling so used up. But he felt like he was giving something important to Sebastian, and he liked that he could handle it when he suspected some people wouldn’t be able to.

Sebastian trembled against him and then briefly rested his full weight against Alex’s back.

‘Just…a second,’ Sebastian said, still inside him.

‘What, you tired?’ Alex goaded.

Sebastian paused, then jerked his hips forward, his cock still pretty hard. Alex hissed sharply. Fucking ow.

‘Okay, yeah, I am,’ Sebastian said grudgingly. ‘I like this, though. So much. You’re so tight and warm.’

Alex shivered, and he was pretty sure when Sebastian licked him, he was licking his goosebumps.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, voice scratchy, his full weight making Alex feel both safe and a little suffocated. ‘Hey, jerk off to me whenever you want. That’s the hottest thing ever. Like, you don’t need my permission to think about me, but you have it.’

‘Thanks,’ Alex mumbled into the bed.

He was going to be jacking off so fucking much in the next few days. He just knew it.

*

Alex woke to the smell of bacon, morning wood between his legs, and his lower back way achier than he thought it would be, based on how he felt when he fell asleep the night before. He could hear Sebastian in the kitchen. It was late afternoon - morning for the both of them. Alex looked at the sunset colours streaming in, because Sebastian had opened the curtains for the big sliding door in his bedroom.

He moved and groaned wretchedly when he felt how sore his hole was, and all the come that must have leaked out of him overnight.

‘Fucking…disgusting,’ Alex mumbled, dragging himself out of bed. ‘Yuck, yuck, yuck.’

He blearily pissed into the toilet, and then got into the shower, freezing when he felt the overly-hot tender skin between his ass cheeks with his fingers, even as he tried to soap away the come. Fucking Sebastian.

But Alex had himself to blame, too. He kind of loved it, even the next day, even when he felt sorry for himself. It was like Sebastian put his mark on him, and today he didn’t even have a hickey to show for it, which was a relief. He’d hated having to dance around that subject with others.

When he got out of the shower he felt better, fresher, and he put on his shirt and his boxers and wandered down the corridor, finding Sebastian in the kitchen wearing a black robe that had a giant purple bat stitched into the back. It looked cute and kind of dumb, and it suited him. Sebastian’s hair looked more magnificent than usual because he hadn’t styled it yet, and it was sticking out all over.

Sebastian looked over at him, turned back to the bacon, eggs, and tomatoes he was frying up, and then did a double take and looked back at Alex again, eyes roving in a way that made Alex feel naked.

‘You got anything on today?’ Sebastian said.

‘Uh, no.’

‘Cool.’ Sebastian nodded to himself, and then he inhaled. ‘I want to fuck you again.’

‘So, like, I’m sore,’ Alex said. ‘Really sore.’

‘Then I’ll grind against you or something.’ Alex stared at him and Sebastian smirked, shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I just want to come, and I’d like you to be involved in that.’

‘I went from cleaner to sex toy. Love that for me.’

‘You do love it.’

‘You know, there’s pills for being a cocky little shit.’

‘There’s not, I looked.’

Alex smiled despite himself, and Sebastian was laughing at his stupid joke, and Alex felt impossibly fond of him. Yoba, no, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. For a while, it had been so easy to just think of his feelings for Sebastian as a dumb infatuation. What had he seen as a teenager that got him addicted to this guy? He didn’t know. But the person in front of him who was clearly making breakfast for two people, and got him a toothbrush of his own…

Alex’s heart was in pieces. He couldn’t keep doing this. But he couldn’t stop, either. He wanted to know what it felt like, this pseudo-relationship, before he went off to be alone for the rest of his life. At least he’d have a piece of something that so many other people got to have.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, looking over again, ‘I know you think it’s deeply uncool, but would you be interested in joining me and Victoria and Sam and maybe some others – not Abigail – in some tabletop gaming?’

‘I didn’t say it was deeply uncool. Well. Okay, not lately anyway.’

Sebastian scoffed. He started dishing up, and Alex was so hungry he could eat everything. Bottoming was exhausting, or maybe he just wasn’t used to it yet.

‘Why do you want me there? I can’t read well, and I’m not good at that kind of thing.’

‘It’s not about being good at it,’ Sebastian said soberly. ‘It’s about telling a story. The failures in the story can create just as many opportunities for an amazing experience you remember for years to come as much as the successes. So it’s not really about winning.’

‘It’s… Oh. I thought it was. Like everyone banding together to win.’

‘That’s what the characters want to do, but no matter what happens, it’s about the experience. Literally the journey, not the destination, that kind of thing. You can be some kind of beefy warrior, if you want. You could just try it? Victoria suggested it at our last game and David was all in. Sam thought it was a cool idea, too. Also, I kind of…’

Sebastian put the plates down on the table. Alex saw Sebastian had given him more food, and almost said something, but the reality was he wanted to eat it all. He started piling bacon onto toast before covering it with tomato sauce, putting another piece of toast on that, and then picked it up, eating happily.

Sebastian watched him, bemused.

‘I kind of invited Haley too.’

‘Oh yeah, she’s got the hots for Sam. It’s so weird,’ Alex said.

‘It’s so weird!’ Sebastian cried. ‘I mean, it makes sense? But it’s- I always thought if they were going to do anything, it would’ve been when they were teens living next door. But she was there throwing pine cones at the window when we practiced band to get us to shut up, not like, flirting with Sam.’

‘Y’all were loud,’ Alex said around a mouthful of toast and bacon. ‘You’d practice until midnight sometimes.’

‘Still. Sam’s a catch, and Haley’s great. It’s just…weird.’

‘So weird,’ Alex said fervently. ‘But Sam’s okay. Are you matchmaking them?’

‘I think she’s matchmaking herself. She told me – we saw each other at Pierre’s – that she found the whole “concept” of tabletop gaming really interesting, and she was wondering if she could do it some time. And then she said she thought it might be great for you, especially if there wasn’t a ton of reading, and then she asked if Sam still went.’

‘Wow, Hales, smooth,’ Alex said.

‘I was thinking about it, and she’s right. There’s not a ton of reading, and the purpose of your teammates is to help you out, so they can take point when there is. It’s my job to keep on top of most of the reading anyway, and once you’ve established your character, your side of the reading should be relatively minimal. Even compared to a lot of similar style video games. I think you could do it.’

Alex realised Sebastian was serious about the offer and felt strange. That was Sebastian’s thing. He’d been doing it for years. It was such a special thing for him, and Alex was…

What was he?

Fuck buddy? Worker?

What was this?

Alex wiped crumbs off his face and picked up his knife and fork, and then paused. His chest was twisting up inside. He felt lost and strange, even though it sounded really cool to try something like this. Haley being there would help. He liked David and Victoria, even though he hadn’t met them much. He liked this house.

He felt like the breath had been knocked out of him, because he didn’t know what it meant that Sebastian kept offering more and more. Was this normal? Sebastian and David had a history, and they were just friends now. So was this just…easy for them?

Alex put his knife down, and then his fork, and slid his hands under the table.

‘Everything okay?’ Sebastian said.

‘Hey, uh…’

Don’t ask. Don’t do this. Just nod and go to the game. It’s what you want to do, anyway.

‘Uh…’ Alex paused, and then his hips shifted on the chair and he regretted it, because his lower back and asshole still hurt. ‘What is this?’

‘What?’

‘Am I still just a worker to you? Or like a…fuck buddy?’

What. The. Fuck. Alex!!!

He knotted his hands together and waited, feeling like he’d just lit the fuse of a bomb and placed it between them delicately, even though the explosion would be anything but.

Sebastian was silent for a time and then pushed his chair back. Alex looked at him in alarm, but Sebastian stared at the table.

‘…Shit,’ Sebastian said, as though to himself.

Alex waited.

‘I like you,’ Sebastian said, meeting his eyes square on. ‘I think I like you a lot, hey.’

Yeah. That was so not what Alex expected.

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Graffiti on the Wall':

"‘It scares the fuck out of me,’ Sebastian said.

Alex grimaced. Yeah. That made sense.

‘I like you,’ Sebastian said roughly, ‘but I don’t know if I can have a relationship with you, and I think that might be…pretty unfair on you.’

Sebastian for sure didn’t know how good Alex was at settling.

‘But I don’t want to give up any of this,’ Sebastian said, making a noise of frustration and leaning back in the chair, tipping backward slightly before rocking forward again. ‘I keep thinking I should, for your sake, if anything else.’

‘Am I ever going to get to talk?’ Alex said."

*

You are, Alex, trust me. Meanwhile I'm on Tumblr. Can't talk about my personal life atm because there's no point but just know I had four appointments in one *day* on Tuesday, making 'four appointments in one week' seem like a pleasure cruise by comparison.

Chapter 47: Graffiti on the Wall

Notes:

Liver MRI and arterial blood flow (doppler) ultrasound is upcoming! Kidney infection was probably a kidney stone. It's a good thing I find posting fic comforting in these hours of need. Also my lil puppy turned one year old on Halloween, which was pretty cute and awesome. We dressed him as a lil bat (it's okay, he's been trained to love costumes and coats and harnesses, even though he hardly wears them, he thinks they're the best).

Without further ado, let's have a CONVERSATION from our two guys

Alex couldn’t think. He opened his mouth, but he couldn’t think of what to say. Sebastian’s words had obliterated everything in his mind and left nothing but a raw, ugly hope, which wasn’t compatible with the conflicted expression on Sebastian’s face.

‘It’s… I mean, Sam kind of pointed out we’ve been spending time together like a- Kind of like a couple,’ Sebastian said, in a rare show of hesitation from him. Alex was so used to him sounding like he had all his shit together.

‘And you don’t want that,’ Alex heard himself say.

You better not be fucking sabotaging yourself, you asshole, he thought to himself.

‘It’s easy for someone like me to find sex,’ Sebastian said, and his confidence returned. ‘I was set, you know, seeing my friends, and fucking people, and knowing deep down that someone like me wasn’t made for relationships. And you know, I was fine with that, because I learned that not only is Wentworth shit at it, but so am I. Sex is fun. Friends are fun. I didn’t have to worry about anything else.’

Alex waited. For someone who talked about how important it was to open up, Sebastian didn’t actually do it often.

But he had a feeling this conversation was going to end somewhere terrible, and he felt his hope being sucked down a drain, realising that Sebastian liking him didn’t necessarily mean anything good.

‘Lately,’ Sebastian said, clearing his throat twice, ‘I’ve been thinking that if I could have a relationship that looked the way I wanted it to, maybe I’d…like that.’

‘Right,’ Alex said. ‘What the fuck does that even mean?’

Sebastian scowled at him for a second and then sighed. ‘Just- Ah. Well. Wentworth and I never needed each other. He didn’t need me for anything except my dick and like, decoration, I guess. He didn’t need my business suggestions. He didn’t want me near him when he was sick. He was never around to share meals, even the coffee I made for him in the morning. He never had it with me inside. We literally had this small two-seater table in the kitchen, and he never once sat there with me.’

Sebastian winced. ‘I really don’t mean to complain about Wentworth like this.’

‘Nah, do it,’ Alex said, half-smiling. ‘Love talking shit about that guy.’

Sebastian’s smile was real, and Alex held on to all the clamouring agony inside of him and waited to see where all the shrapnel would land.

‘You let me take care of you when you were sick,’ Sebastian said. ‘Sure, you groused about it, but you’ve let me do it multiple times. For your headache, too. You let me make meals for you. Fuck, you let me take control in the bedroom in a way I really crave, but it’s more than just that. You talk to me, and don’t think I haven’t noticed you trying harder because I want you to. That’s- I didn’t realise how much that mattered to me. I didn’t realise, you know, because I never had it with Wentworth. He never changed a single thing about himself because of me. And I don’t want someone to change for me. That sounds really fucking egotistical, so-’

‘-I mean, if the shoe fits,’ Alex said drily.

Sebastian’s smile was too soft for Alex’s words.

‘It’s more like… I can see the ways you try to work with me, instead of against me,’ Sebastian said. ‘Do you know how wild it is to be saying this to you, of all the people in my life?’

‘Yeah, kinda.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘I think I didn’t want to see that for ages. I know now that all the shit I did to you when we were teens was fucking horrendous, especially in this broader context of what you were dealing with, but you still… You still hurt me, too. Even when you didn’t, you were trying your hardest to hurt me. And for a long time, I guess I was waiting for that side of you to come out again. I think it does sometimes, but- Wait, no, not like you think. I mean, I think you have this instinct to wall up and push back, but it doesn’t hurt me anymore. I can see that it’s…the same spikiness I have when someone tries to step into my space, and I don’t fucking want them there.’

Alex reached for his glass, only to realise it was empty. When the fuck had that happened? He locked his hands together under the table instead.

‘So here’s this guy,’ Sebastian said quietly, almost to himself, ‘and he listens to me, and he asks me about my day, and he cares when work is stressful, and he doesn’t control me, but he lets me have more control over him than maybe the average partner, because I think he needs that. And I think, “Cool, okay, maybe that’s just for now, and I can ignore the rest, or blame it on chemistry.” But…it’s more than just chemistry.’

‘It is?’ Alex said, hating how thin his voice sounded.

‘It started off that I was just thinking of fucking you all the time,’ Sebastian said. ‘While I’m coding, while I’m hunting in the mines, while I’m doing tabletop stuff. I think, well, it’s been ages since I’ve slept with someone I’m sexually compatible with, so it makes sense I’m thinking of you like that. But then I daydream about how it feels to hold you when you’re a mess because of a headache. Or I think about how hard you work when you’re here. Or I think about how much you care about Haley, and how much of a friend you’ve been to her, especially after all this time of me assuming you were together, and actually you’re a lonely, closeted guy who’s just a great friend. I think about all these things me and the town never saw about you, and I just keep wanting to see more.’

Sebastian didn’t look happy about any of the shit he was saying, even though Alex thought it all sounded really nice, actually.

‘It scares the fuck out of me,’ Sebastian said.

Alex grimaced. Yeah. That made sense.

‘I like you,’ Sebastian said roughly, ‘but I don’t know if I can have a relationship with you, and I think that might be…pretty unfair to you.’

Sebastian for sure didn’t know how good Alex was at settling.

‘But I don’t want to give up any of this,’ Sebastian said, making a noise of frustration and leaning back in the chair, tipping backward slightly before rocking forward again. ‘I keep thinking I should, for your sake, if anything else.’

‘Am I ever going to get to talk?’ Alex said.

Sebastian stared at him, and Alex frowned.

‘Look, sorry,’ Alex said, ‘but since this seems to be about me, maybe…I can say something.’

‘Sure,’ Sebastian said, still staring at Alex like he hadn’t expected him to speak up at all.

‘It sucks that I can’t take care of myself how I want,’ Alex said, not understanding what he was going to say until he started speaking. ‘You say you want to be needed, and even though it’s humiliating as shit, I like…the things you’ve done for me, or do to me, depending on your mood, I guess. I didn’t say I needed to be in a relationship with you. I asked if this was more than fuck buddies, or boss-employee, and obviously it is, right? It doesn’t have to be a relationship.’

Ah, Alex realised, I’m letting him off the hook.

‘I like what we’re doing,’ Alex said. ‘All of this- All of it is new to me. Maybe give a guy a chance to handle it before thinking it has to be some kind of formal relationship thing.’

Even though I’m pretty sure I want that more than anything.

‘I just…want to know where the lines are,’ Alex said, his voice drying up. He coughed a few times. ‘I just wish… Like, I wish you’d told me in advance that you wanted to fuck me. Or maybe I could text you sometimes about stuff not to do with work. But if that’s too much commitment- I thought even just as friends, we could… But what do I know?’

Sebastian groaned and dragged a hand through his hair. Alex braced himself for the worst, because he had a feeling just talking about this would convince Sebastian it was all a bad idea.

‘Your first connection shouldn’t be like this,’ Sebastian said begrudgingly.

Alex laughed. ‘What, you think it’s meant to be all sweet and romantic? I want you to imagine for like five seconds how well I’m gonna do with someone who’s just…really nice to me.’

Sebastian burst into laughter. ‘Oh god, you’d hate them.’

‘I wouldn’t hate them, but you think I’m gonna open up to someone who’s treating me like I can’t bench their body weight? Here’s the thing, like, yeah, you’re…good to me when things are hard, but you’re not like…nice about it. I don’t know what you think I secretly need, but if you’re imagining some kind of sunshine and rainbows bullshit, that’s not my vibe. Sure, this is messy. And yeah, it’s been confusing. You think it doesn’t scare me too? Thinking about the shit you used to say to me? But there’s a lot about this I enjoy.’

‘What about the things you don’t enjoy?’ Sebastian said, lasering in on that so quickly it almost hurt. Alex so didn’t want to go there.

I want you to love me back, dickhead.

‘I don’t like not knowing if this is going to end because you have some feelings you don’t want,’ Alex said finally, wincing at how bluntly he delivered it. ‘Like, if it’s going to end, I’d rather it happen because you were over it than because you think I’m going to lock you down like Wentworth did. I hate the guy. Why do you think I’d want to do that to you? I like that your house looks the way you want it to, and that you do a job that you like, and that you let me find my way into a job that I like. Even if it’s not my forever-job, I’ve got more money than I’ve ever had in my life.’

‘That’s still not great,’ Sebastian said, and groaned. ‘But, okay. So we both want whatever this is right now, yeah?’

Alex nodded.

‘And you want to text sometimes?’

‘I mean not if you’re going to feel like-’

‘I can handle us texting,’ Sebastian said with a grimace. ‘I know it seems like maybe I can’t, but Yoba’s tits, Alex, I can handle it. I want to text you sometimes, too.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said. ‘Sure.’

‘Not just about work stuff,’ Sebastian added.

Alex nodded, blushed.

‘I mean, it’s kind of a relationship,’ Sebastian said, rubbing at his cheek. ‘I’ve been exclusive with you for a while. Finding people to fuck in the Valley is hard anyway, so some of that’s just circumstance, but if I want to fuck someone, it’s you.’

Alex thought of how sore his hole was, and wondered if he could nominate some kind of substitute to step in for him so Sebastian could ream out someone else’s ass for a day or something, and Alex could recover. He almost wanted to laugh. The stupid thing was, he wouldn’t want that. He’d want to be sore for Sebastian instead, because that was how fucked up for the guy he was.

‘You’re exclusive, I’m exclusive…’ Sebastian said slowly. ‘I want you to do table-top gaming with me and my friends. You stay the night sometimes. Shit, Alex, how is this not a relationship?’

‘I dunno, never been in one before.’

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said to himself. ‘Shit. The writing’s been on the wall for a while. No wonder you asked about it.’

‘So if you were to come up with something you need that would make you freak out less about it, what would that be?’

Sebastian stared at him, black-green eyes dark and pinning him in place. Sometimes that expression meant they were going to fuck. Right now, it meant Sebastian hadn’t expected Alex to say something like that at all.

‘You sound like a shrink,’ he said.

‘I saw Tim for five seconds,’ Alex said, shrugging. ‘Guess I’m just that good now.’

They both laughed, and then Sebastian’s expression clouded. ‘One thing, hey? I need to know that if I need a few days off from all this, I can have them. And, shit, this is going to sound cruel, but sometimes I need you to be my cleaner, and not like… I just need to take a mental break from all of this. Things with Wentworth ruined my life. I didn’t leave Stardew because of Demetrius, but because of my ex, you know? How bad does a relationship have to be, that it’s worse than living with Demetrius? At least he loves Mom. I don’t know what me and Wentworth had, but it was shit, towards the end.’

Alex swallowed. This…seemed really doable, actually.

Maybe Haley would lose her mind once he explained it to her, but Alex could handle this, because it meant he’d get to be in a relationship.

‘Also, I don’t want us to tell anyone yet,’ Sebastian said abruptly.

‘Uh, Haley knows that we’ve slept together,’ Alex said, grimacing. ‘I’m sorry, if I wasn’t supposed to-’

‘No, no! Not like that. Uh. I mean- I don’t want the whole town to know.’

‘Oh, like the way the whole town knows I’m gay?’ Alex said. He laughed darkly. ‘Don’t worry.’

‘Um, Sam knows too,’ Sebastian said, ducking his head. ‘About this. About…stuff. He’s given me some advice.’

‘Sam? The same Sam that used to play his guitar so loud we had to throw shit at your windows to get you to shut the fuck up?’

‘He’s okay now!’ Sebastian said. ‘We’re not the only two who get to grow up a bit and mature, you know. He managed it better than I did.’

‘Okay,’ Alex conceded, because Sam seemed good, actually, and Alex was probably just over-reacting because of the whole, “Haley’s suddenly into Sam” thing. ‘Sure.’

‘I think David’s got an idea too,’ Sebastian added. ‘But I haven’t said- I just mean…I don’t want everyone to know. Just the people we trust most. It’s not many for me. It’s not many for you.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Wait, you mean I can tell Haley that we’re…what, in a kind of relationship that you can take breaks from whenever you want?’

‘That sounds so bad,’ Sebastian said.

‘It doesn’t sound that bad,’ Alex said, shrugging. ‘It’s not like it’s in my best interests to chase you off. Who’s going to fuck me then?’

Sebastian did a double take, and then he laughed, and his whole serious expression smoothed out. His eyes literally twinkled, one of his hands pressed against his belly, and his laugh was one of the stupidest, most charming things Alex had ever heard.

Alex felt like he’d dodged a bullet, because Sebastian smiled at him in a way that made him feel warm inside, and this wasn’t over yet, and now it was kind of a relationship, and maybe Alex could text him while he was walking home sometimes, or when he was alone in that large house. Maybe he could stay the night more. Well, he probably shouldn’t push his luck.

‘Hey, how did seeing Tim go, anyway?’ Sebastian said.

Alex shrugged. ‘He…thinks I might have an eye issue, instead of dyslexia. Or both. I don’t fucking know. But I have to get an eye test in fucking Zuzu, and I have to take motion sickness pills and it’s a whole… I guess I gotta look at the bus roster and make sure it’s not some fucking day that Martingale’s going to be in the desert until two in the morning or some shit, because then Pam won’t be going to Zuzu that day.’

Sebastian frowned. ‘An eye issue?’

‘Yeah, like… I don’t know. Apparently, with some of my problems, I should’ve had an eye test at least once as a kid.’

‘You’ve never had an eye test?’ Sebastian said in amazement. ‘But- But they’re free.’

Alex’s smile was rueful, and he shrugged. ‘You try having a dad who doesn’t believe in showing weakness and see how far that gets you with a free eye exam.’

Sebastian stared at him, and then just shook his head in disbelief. ‘So… Well, I can take you.’

‘Huh?’

‘I mean, I can take you to an appointment.’

‘It’s going to be during the day. You know, when both of us normally need to sleep? You can’t take me to that appointment.’

‘Remember how I said I craved taking care of someone, or feeling needed? You remember that, right?’

‘You can’t- I’m gonna be… I’m not gonna be fun to be around,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t want to go to this stupid fucking thing. I get super bad motion sickness. I can’t go on your bike.’

‘I have a car,’ Sebastian said. ‘And, yeah, truth, I don’t want you throwing up on my back on a motorbike cruise to Zuzu. If you’re ever going to try that out, it’ll be a quick trip so you can throw up on the road.’

Alex scratched at his head, thinking it over. Sebastian taking him to Zuzu…

‘The test is gonna give me a headache. I just know it,’ Alex said. ‘I’m gonna be miserable.’

‘I can choose to not fuck you,’ Sebastian said. ‘We have the power to just not do that. I don’t know what you’re expecting, but I can drive you to an appointment, and then drive you back, and make sure you’re taking care of yourself while you’ve got a bad headache. That’s a thing we can do.’

‘That’s- But I don’t…’

Alex’s face scrunched up.

‘Yeah, so…’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s hard, right? Letting someone in. It’s really hard. Maybe this is your version of it. Most of the time you only let me in because you have no choice but come on, choose it this time. I want to do this for you. God knows you clean my house all the time.’

‘Not as a favour!’ Alex exclaimed. ‘You literally pay me.’

‘So pay me ten gold for this,’ Sebastian said, and then winced. ‘Actually no, don’t. Just let me do it. Go on, prove to me you don’t have to be as insanely independent as Wentworth.’

‘Prove it to you,’ Alex said flatly.

But Sebastian didn’t look like someone who was throwing down a mean ultimatum, he looked like someone who was really scared. Alex saw it now, the desperation, and he didn’t get it at all, but something in him yearned to respond to it.

He didn’t want to go to Zuzu alone, anyway. The city scared the fuck out of him. He was such a country boy, and Sebastian had lived there for years, so he knew where to park, and he knew how to handle the roads there, and…

And maybe he’d realise how much he missed it and leave Stardew Valley again.

Alex forced himself to take a breath. Yeah, actually, this was fucking terrifying.

‘Okay,’ he said, his voice rough. ‘You can take me.’

‘Thank you,’ Sebastian said, sounding like he really meant it.

Alex’s heart raced, and he stared at this guy who had somehow agreed to be in a relationship with him, and even if it was conditional, Alex didn’t care. He didn’t care. It felt like a whole bunch of dreams had come true at once, and he didn’t know why that was so fucking scary.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Comfort in Wild Discomfort:

"‘Actually…’ Alex said, and cleared his throat. ‘Can I tell you something?’

‘Of course!’

‘Few people know, but I’m not- I’m never going to settle down with a girl. They’re not really my style. I mean, Haley’s great, but I’m not- Girls aren’t really…’

He waited.

‘Oh!’ Jodi said, hand rising, fingertips resting on her mouth."

*

Tfw you open up to Sam's mom. lksajfdsa I'm on Tumblr!

Chapter 48: Comfort in Wild Discomfort

Notes:

Still have more health scans on the horizon, I'll update if I get any exciting results! Pray to your heathen gods in the woods for a December with no MRIs, CT, PET, X-Ray, bloodtests, specialist appointments or ultrasounds because I'm getting tired.

In other news, one of my foxgloves has finally decided it's going to try flowering! Wow, so brave, I hope the others try as well

‘Hold up, rewind, you’re in a what with Sebastian?’ Haley said, staring at him as they walked along the shoreline. They were past the main beach, with Willy’s shack and Elliott’s home on the coast out of sight, heading towards the southernmost point of the forest. The breeze was fresh, carrying with it the scent of pollen, and also sap, which meant farmer Martingale had been cutting all the trees down in the forest again. At least they grew back pretty fast.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I- I asked him if we were just fuck buddies, and he just… He said he liked me.’

‘Of course he does, babe,’ Haley said. ‘I’m just surprised he said anything.’

‘He also said something about you trying to play that tabletop stuff to get closer to Sam?’

Haley grinned and then shrugged. ‘I don’t know, it seems kind of fun, doesn’t it? And Seb told me to think of a character, and at first I thought it’d be cool and subversive to go with a really cut warrior dude or something but then it was like…you know, these guys could do with some more exposure to strong women characters. So I’m going to do that.’

‘I’ll probably just be a guy that hits stuff.’

‘But do you want to do that?’ Haley said. ‘Alex, you can be anything. You can be a wizard, a way cooler one than the one we have in the tower. You can be one of Yoba’s descendants. You can be a maiden princess. There’s so many options. You don’t just have to be what you think you should be. Like, unless that’s what you want, and then live your best life and go off.’

Alex frowned. He hadn’t thought about it that way. He remembered Sebastian showing him David’s character figurine, and how muscular it had been. He’d assumed Sebastian showed him that because he’d find it relatable, because that was the kind of character he thought Alex would most want to play.

He could play as anything?

‘I can’t play a smart character, though,’ Alex said.

‘Babe, you totally can. First, you are smart. But second, in this you can be the most bookish nerd in a library. As a character, you can do anything. I mean, obviously we’d be starting out as beginners, so we’d be pretty bad at actual fights no matter what we were. But like literally anything! Isn’t that wild?’

Alex tried to think of something cool, but he kept going back to the maiden princess Haley mentioned and wondering what it’d be like to play some bookish princess in some royal library, pulled into adventure despite herself. His knee-jerk reaction was to reject it, to throw the idea out the window. For a start, it was really embarrassing to think about.

Sebastian would laugh at him.

But he also wouldn’t expect it, and sometimes it was fun to mess with what everyone expected him to be.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said slowly, with no small amount of wonder. ‘Yeah, okay, thanks, Hales. I don’t think I would’ve thought about it that way.’

‘There’s so many reasons you love me,’ Haley said smugly. She walked ahead and turned so she faced Alex, walking without seeing what was behind her. The sun caught her hair and turned it to white gold, and Alex felt a pang that one day someone like Sam might know this side of her. She was so good, so wonderful, and a bit of his heart was sometimes sad because he was gay, because she was worth the world to him.

‘There really are,’ he said.

Haley grinned wider and fell back into step with Alex.

‘This doesn’t get you off the hook, though. Tell me about this whole relationship thing, because…wow. I didn’t expect Sebastian to get with the program for years, maybe even ever. Kudos to him, I guess, for realising how awesome you are.’

Alex laughed, and shrugged, and they talked about it together until they reached the rocks and the waterfall and had to turn back. Along the way, Haley picked spring onions and gathered shells, and Alex held them in his hands and lifted his head to the wind and felt strangely good about his life.

Maybe it was just the promise of summer, but whatever it was, it felt good.

*

The next day, the mood carried over and he was actually happy to be back at Jodi’s, kind of amazed at how great the house looked now.

‘It’s just so easy!’ Jodi said, talking once more as she followed him around the house. ‘I mean, it’s not easy, but knowing you’re coming back, and learning from you, and the house already being so clean, just makes it easier to keep on top of smaller things. And the stuff I really hate, well, I- And you don’t seem to mind, so it’s lovely to have someone take care of things like that.’

‘I don’t mind,’ Alex said, and smiled at her as he stripped the bed she and Kent slept in. Yeah, this was weird. There was an intimacy to being someone’s cleaner, and doing it alone kept up an illusion of privacy for everyone. Like this, though, Alex wondered if Kent and Jodi still slept together, and if they changed the sheets after fucking, and hated that his brain did shit like this to him.

But he still didn’t mind. He was getting used to Jodi’s chatter.

Jodi shared a couple of stories about herself from high school as he dusted, and he laughed along with her. She described herself as a semi-popular girl, but also one who was quickly made fun of, because she was a “chatterbox” and never shut up, even in class.

‘Kent defended me so much,’ Jodi said, clasping her hands together, cheeks pinking. ‘He’s so quiet, you wouldn’t expect it! He once said that’s what works out about us – that I chatter, and he’s the quiet-type – but I’ve enjoyed learning how to listen to him. He says so much with only a sentence or two, you know? Yeah. Well. It works out! Vincent’s a bit more like me. He’ll talk to anyone! And he has all his fascinations, like I did when I was younger.’

‘Fascinations?’ Alex said. ‘You mean the bugs and stuff?’

‘Yes! I thought it was a phase, but he’s not grown out of it at all.’

‘Maybe he’ll be a scientist when he’s older,’ Alex said, and smiled.

‘Oh, I love that. I had almost no hope for Sam for such a long time. A musician! That’s not what any parent hopes for, even though you want them to be happy, of course. But he’s made it work. He reminds me of Kent, though. He doesn’t talk as much as Vincent. As he gets older, he’s growing into himself more. You were never close to my Sam in high school, were you?’

‘Not really,’ Alex said warily.

No, they bullied each other. Sam was never the worst one, but that didn’t mean they weren’t slinging shit at each other.

‘I think we get along better now,’ Alex added.

‘He said he talked to you! And that it went well,’ Jodi said with a smile. ‘The people we are in school, Alex, it’s not who we stay. Or at least, I hope not. I was such a bumbling fool of a girl, and I was pretty hopeless. But I’ve raised – am raising – two amazing kids, and I have the most wonderful husband. I even have a cleaner now!’

They both laughed.

‘But really, if Sam stayed who he was in high school, I think I’d struggle too,’ she said. ‘He never helped around the house, and he played his instruments really loudly, or he was never home. But it’s hard being a teenager! I think the only job we have as teens is to survive it, and then decide who we’ll become later!’

Alex had never heard it described like that before. She didn’t seem to hold a grudge about what Alex and Sam used to have between them.

‘Can I ask something?’ Jodi said, her cheer muting somewhat.

Alex braced himself and nodded.

‘What do you do for…holidays now?’

Alex knew immediately what she meant. Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George used to be fixtures at every single event in the Valley, whether Alex gave a shit about them or not. He was always there because they were. Not only that, but Grandma Evelyn was the one who was involved in so many of the cultural traditions, and she helped so much at the Community Centre.

Their passing created a vacuum not just in Alex’s life, but in the town’s. They did well enough at Pelican Town, and it was obvious some of the younger folks were stepping up to make the festivals matter, but it wasn’t the same.

‘Honestly, I still don’t know,’ Alex said finally.

‘No one invited you to dinner, or anything?’ Jodi said. ‘At the last Winter Star festival?’

Alex shook his head.

She nodded to herself, but her expression was serious. ‘You know, you’re always welcome at ours. That’s probably strange! I know we’ve not… I know I’m Sam’s mom and this might be really unwelcome, and of course you work here so maybe you don’t want to come, but… I loved the home of your grandparents, but it’s a big home, isn’t it? It’s big to live in alone.’

After all these visits, he hadn’t expected this from someone like Jodi. She’d always seemed so separate from him and his life experiences. Not someone who was judging him, necessarily, like Mayor Lewis did, but she had her own life, and Kent had intense PTSD from the war, and she had those years waiting for him to come back, not sure if he’d even survive it. Alex never thought their lives would intersect in any meaningful way at all.

He felt oddly touched by the invitation. He couldn’t imagine eating here. Kent scared the shit out of him for a start.

But…

‘That’s real kind of you,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘You don’t have to say anything! It’s just an invitation. You know. It’s no bother to feed an extra mouth, and I’m used to feeding growing boys! I make a pretty decent pizza.’

Alex grinned. He hardly ever ate pizza, but he knew it was Sam’s favourite, so no wonder that was the first thing she brought up.

‘I eat anything, ma’am,’ he said. ‘I’m not fussy. But I wouldn’t- I mean you don’t have to.’

‘One day you might have a family of your own,’ Jodi said quietly. ‘Not with Haley, like I thought, but maybe with someone? A nice girl, your own kids, and you won’t have to worry about who you’re spending festivals with. But until then, you can always come to ours.’

From not caring about it, to feeling actively hurt by it, Alex hated when people assumed he was straight now. It was just so wrong. He didn’t know how – after all this time – people didn’t see what was so fucking obvious to him. And it wouldn’t matter at all, except people made it their business, made it about a family with a girl, and having kids, and doing stuff in a way that wasn’t really Alex’s style.

He took a breath and ran his finger along the windowsill in Vincent’s room – he was out at the cinema with Sam – and considered his clean fingertip. He was done dusting. He only had to vacuum and then his shift was over.

Was he really going to say something? Did it hurt that much? He’d been raised with so much worse.

But he felt like he was choking on lies he didn’t want to keep anymore.

‘Actually…’ Alex said and cleared his throat. ‘Can I tell you something?’

‘Of course!’

‘Few people know, but I’m not- I’m never going to settle down with a girl. They’re not really my style. I mean, Haley’s great, but I’m not- Girls aren’t really…’

He waited.

‘Oh!’ Jodi said, hand rising, fingertips resting on her mouth. ‘Oh. Really? Well! Oh, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! And all this time I’ve been saying all these things like a fool, you must have thought-’

‘-No, no, no,’ Alex said, holding up his hands, heading off the franticness in Jodi’s eyes. ‘It’s- Hardly anyone knows! I swear. And I’ve been kind of hoping it would go away. It was just easier for me to let everyone assume what they assumed. But I’m just- I just thought I’d say…’

They stared at each other, both of them with panic-stricken expressions on their faces, and then Alex’s hands dropped, and he laughed. Yeah, why did he think Jodi was going to condemn him for this? Of course she’d get anxious about it.

‘Really, it’s fine.’

‘Wow,’ Jodi said, and then sighed. ‘Does Haley know?’

‘Oh yeah,’ Alex said. ‘She knew before anyone. She’s my best friend.’

Jodi’s expression softened, her eyes bright with unshed tears. ‘Yes, of course she is. Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry my going on about you getting married to a girl brought it on, though. Still! You can have a family with a man, and share your festivals with him one day, can’t you? I thought that’s what would happen with Sebastian and the farmer, but… oh, that was so sad.’

Jodi’s expression brightened.

‘I know! Sebastian’s gay, too. You could always see if he’s single?’

Alex pressed his lips together, and then couldn’t keep the laugh down, and he had to cover his mouth because this was fucking absurd.

‘Just because- Just because we’re both gay…’ he said.

‘Oh, of course! Of course, it doesn’t work that way! Yoba, if me and Clint were the only straight people in Pelican Town, I’d have to be single for the rest of my life.’

‘Oh f- fudge,’ Alex said, still laughing. ‘It’s not that bad.’

For a start, he was with Sebastian. But he definitely wasn’t willing to tell Jodi that.

But he had to laugh at the way she linked it all up together. He smiled in apology, but she’d laughed too, and she didn’t seem mad.

‘I’m still pretty closeted anyway,’ Alex said finally, clearing his throat. ‘Just…figuring everything out. Never wanted to like- My grandparents had a vision for me, you know? Didn’t want to ruin that for them.’

Jodi’s expression changed immediately, dropping from good cheer to something pained.

‘Oh, no, Alex, they never would have… They were probably just like me, love, I’m sure. We mean well, but we’re all so fixed in our ways, and until Sebastian and the farmer, we had no one out of the closet in our little town. That doesn’t make it okay, but with Evelyn and George, I can’t imagine they’d be anything other than completely accepting of who you love. Really.’

Alex didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected her to interject like that. The dirty feather duster rested against one of his legs, and his fingers were numb where he was holding it.

We’re all so fixed in our ways.

Even Alex was. Even after he realised he was into Sebastian – and guys – he had no plans to change a damned thing. He was going to keep his secrets, maintain the status quo, keep everything humming along as smoothly as possible for all the citizens of Pelican Town, regardless of the cost to him.

He sighed explosively.

‘Well, shit,’ he said, staring down at his trainers. ‘Sorry for the swearing.’

‘I’ve heard worse from Vincent while he’s been gaming, trust me,’ Jodi said, a smile in her voice. ‘You know, I really like our chats! I know it’s mostly me jabbering on at you. Evelyn used to say you were such a good listener, it made up for all the times you didn’t clean your room.’

Alex didn’t have a word for the sudden sharp splintering of grief inside him, alongside a warmth that was soothing. Both things mushed together clumsily, painfully, and he thought he’d have something easy to say in reply, but he had no words at all. He wanted to laugh, because that’s something Grandma Evelyn would have said, and he wanted to cry, because he wished so hard he’d cleaned his room more, made things easier for her.

She never talked about how hard things were, taking him on after everything, and he took it for granted. He even knew she would have wanted that, because she wanted him to live an immature teenager’s life instead of making him grow up too soon, because she was that kind of person.

But the thought of her calling him a good listener, when he just liked her stories, and her friendly voice, and that she’d never yelled at him, or beaten him like his father, and that family could be something…sweet…

And now it was gone.

‘You’re so much taller than me,’ Jodi said, and Alex had no idea where that came from, until she wrapped tight arms around him and folded him into a hug that felt brightly nostalgic. It exploded through him. ‘But that doesn’t matter. I know I’m not your mom, Alex, but you’re always welcome here. I promise. I’m sorry for making you upset so much.’

Alex’s laugh was wet, and he shook his head, and he reached up with the hand not holding the duster and curled his fingers into the hem of her shirt and hoped that was okay.

‘Thanks, hey,’ Alex said. ‘Just…’

‘I think about how much I miss them sometimes, Alex, and my whole heart breaks when I think about what it must be like for you.’

She was talking about his grandparents, but in that moment, he missed his mom with a brutal, breathtaking force, and he didn’t let go of her for long minutes, and thankfully, she didn’t let go of him either.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Wild Roads Deeply Travelled:

‘Yeah, it totally will,’ Sebastian said, and smiled, running his fingers along the dusty grain. ‘Hey, Alex has something to tell you.’

‘Okay!’ Robin said, and smiled at Alex.

Alex was going to be sick. He took several breaths and stared not at Robin, and not at Sebastian, but at Sebastian’s fingers where they rested on the sculpture. And Sebastian seemed to notice, because those fingers flicked into a brief thumbs up, where his mom couldn’t see.

It wasn’t relief that Alex felt, but he told himself he borrowed strength from that.

‘Um, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think- I mean, I’m grateful for the opportunity, but I can’t...clean here anymore,’ Alex said.

He meant to say something gentler, nicer, but all the words fell through. He felt like he was disappointing his own mom, especially when Robin’s expression fell.

‘Oh no!’ Robin said. ‘Is it the day? We can change the day, or the time, maybe? It’s been so good having a cleaner.’

*

I don't think Robin understands the concept that no is a complete sentence when it comes to losing her cleaner. I'm sure Alex won't find that stressful at all! Anyway, I'm on ye olde pirate ship that is Tumblr!

Chapter 49: Wild Roads Deeply Travelled

Notes:

No medical appointments except for one dental one this month! I LIVED. All going well, A Stain that Won't Dissolve is getting three updates this month instead of two. Heck yeah. HECK YEAH. Now let's all experience Alex's anxiety Together

In the lead up to the appointment at Zuzu, Alex thought about sex less. He was stressed about having to clean Robin’s again. Stressed about Sebastian taking him to the city, which Alex hadn’t been to since his grandma was dying. Stressed about the eye exam. Alex had never tested well for anything, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with his eyes. So what if he couldn’t look at bright lights for long? Bright lights were like the sun, and you weren’t supposed to look at that at all.

Sebastian was working hard during Alex’s shift on Wednesday, but at the end, he made sandwiches like always and Alex sat at the table and looked at the sword that hung on the wall, and then over to Sebastian’s computer, which had a cool screensaver of little Junimos.

‘They exist, you know,’ Sebastian said, following Alex’s gaze.

‘What?’

‘Wentworth found them.’

‘They exist?’ Alex stared at the bouncing, jelly-like creatures. ‘But they’re- I mean, look at them. They look ridiculous.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, laughing, bringing the plates over. ‘Wentworth has them working for him on his farm in some kind of weird slave labour exchange. How do you think he makes the money he does? He can’t harvest all that shit on his own.’

‘I thought he... I thought he paid seasonal workers or something to help him.’

‘Why would he pay someone when he can get magic or some weird shit to do it for him? Are you kidding? He doesn’t give a shit about putting money back into the economy.’

Alex stared at the screensaver and shook his head in amazement, then ate his sandwich, as Sebastian talked about some issue he was having with a new boss with unrealistic goals. The one thing Alex had learned was Sebastian was firm on his work boundaries, and he’d learned to be that way after overworking like crazy in Zuzu.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said. ‘Are you going to keep working for my mom?’

‘Uh.’ Super good word choice there, idiot.

‘I don’t think you should keep cleaning there,’ Sebastian said. ‘In fact...well, hear me out. You’re cleaning there tomorrow, right? But we’re going to Zuzu tomorrow. Have you even told her that you’re double-booked?’ A pause as Sebastian took in Alex’s expression. ‘You’re putting it off, aren’t you?’

‘I thought... I mean I don’t- I don’t know.’

‘So how about we both go over after we eat? Mom’ll still be up. You’ll have me there as moral support. And then you can come back to mine and stay the night or something.’

‘Huh? Are we fucking?’

‘Yoba’s ass, Alex. We don’t have to fuck all the time.’

‘I mean... I just...’

‘Aren’t we in a relationship now? You can stay the night after you do something hard. And we’re going to Zuzu tomorrow. You can sleep in one of my shirts tonight and pick up whatever clothes you need tomorrow from yours.’

Alex didn’t mind that Sebastian was being pushy. It helped everything slot into place in his mind. Things started to form and take shape, make sense, and he felt less overwhelmed with the things he had to do.

‘I can clean for your mom.’

‘I know you can, but it makes you super unhappy. That’s uncool.’

‘So I can suck it up.’

‘Yeah, you suck it up by saying you’re not doing it anymore. Look, she lost her chance by not standing up for you. She’s never going to learn what’s acceptable and unacceptable if everyone behaves like Demetrius’ callousness is fine. People fall back on saying it’s just the way his mind works, but my therapist told me he has choices too. He can choose to clean the house himself, if he has such high standards, instead of forcing Robin to live the way she does. He can choose to hire a cleaner himself. He can choose not to act pettily towards you because of whatever he thinks about your background. And you can choose to fire them as clients. It’s not a one-way street. You have the power to fire clients that mistreat you.’

‘But your mom is okay.’

‘I love her, yeah, and I’m sure she’s good to you. But she enables him. That’s not okay. That’s her own journey. Demetrius treats her so much better than my dad did, so she overlooks a lot of stuff. But someone needs to tell her that on the spectrum of good dads, going four, or even six steps up from zero, on a ten-step ladder, is not that much of an improvement.’

Alex considered Sebastian and sighed. ‘Okay, yeah, I can’t keep working there. But I don’t want you with me if you’re just going to get some kind of sick satisfaction out of this.’

Sebastian nodded slowly, pursing his lips. ‘Yeah. Okay. That’s not why I want to go. But I can see why you’d think that.’

‘You’re just so mad at them.’

‘I’m mad at many people,’ Sebastian said, and smiled, teeth glinting. ‘I’ve been mad since I was a kid, it feels like. Mad at this country town. Mad at the facade and small country attitudes. Mad at the people around me. Mad at my friends for not respecting my job when I was younger. Mad at my boss. Mad at you for a while. Mad at my dad for leaving. Mad at my mom and Demetrius. Mad at Wentworth. But...today will be about you safely quitting and not getting talked into staying on. Because Mom’ll do that. She’s a leaner, she’ll lean you all the way back into the job.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. He could see that happening. Robin had an intense personality. It was upbeat, but it was also the personality of someone who had to wrangle Sebastian and Maru, and her husband, and all the customers who wanted carpentry work from her, and probably farmer Martingale, too.

‘So we should go over now, before they go to bed,’ Sebastian said decisively. ‘They’ll still be up. You want to go?’

‘Now?’

‘Yeah, now.’

‘I- What do I say?’

‘You say, “I’m really grateful for the opportunity but I took on too many new jobs at once and I can’t keep cleaning for you,” if you want to make it neat. And don’t want to be honest.’

‘Yeah, that one,’ Alex said, swallowing, reaching for the glass of fruit juice and drinking it all at once.

Sebastian stood, and Alex stared at him in naked panic, but Sebastian shook his head. ‘It’s now or never, Alex. Pull it off like a plaster, and then come back to mine after and chill, okay?’

That’s right, Sebastian wanted him to come back afterwards. It would be a short walk, and Sebastian would be with him. Alex took a slow breath to steady himself. It would be one less thing to worry about, and he really had meant to get it over and done before now.

‘Okay,’ Alex said. ‘I’m coming.’

*

‘You’ve got this,’ Sebastian said firmly, and then he opened the door to the house he’d grown up in, instead of knocking, and walked straight in. Alex followed hesitantly, mouth dry, feeling like he’d run a marathon in the short walk from Sebastian’s to Robin’s.

Demetrius was in the laboratory. He turned and seemed perturbed to see them both.

‘Is Mom up?’ Sebastian said.

‘Yes. She’s in her studio.’

‘Great,’ Sebastian said. ‘Come on.’

Alex followed, feeling Demetrius’ eyes on the both of them as they walked through the house. Alex smelled sawdust in the air and felt increasingly bad for deciding not to clean here anymore. His cheeks already burned. His skin crawled. He was just...scared.

He tried to think of what Tim had told him, that Demetrius didn’t deserve much weighting at all, his words didn’t matter as much as anyone else’s when it came to his cleaning because he wasn’t paying for it, he never hired him in the first place.

But all he could think of was how it felt to have his dad’s disapproval weighing him down before the punches and slaps came, before he was pinned against something and screamed at from so close that his dad’s spit flew into his gasping mouth.

He knew Demetrius would never be like that, but Alex couldn’t stop thinking about it.

‘Hey, Mom,’ Sebastian said.

Robin looked up from where she was hand-sanding a fine detail on one of her weird-but-cool sculptures. A power sander rested on the bench next to her. It must have been used for the bigger parts.

‘Hey, stranger!’ Robin said, beaming. She put the sandpaper down, took the protective goggles off, and came over and gave Sebastian a hug. ‘Hi, Alex! How’s things?’

‘Good, ma’am,’ Alex said.

Sebastian walked over to the sculpture. ‘This looks so great. Is it mahogany?’

‘Martingale recently delivered a huge batch, and I thought about sculpture this time instead of that bed design. It’s so lovely. I think this piece will fetch a lot, don’t you?’

‘Yeah, it totally will,’ Sebastian said, and smiled, running his fingers along the dusty grain. ‘Hey, Alex has something to tell you.’

‘Okay!’ Robin said, and smiled at Alex.

Alex was going to be sick. He took several breaths and stared not at Robin, and not at Sebastian, but at Sebastian’s fingers where they rested on the sculpture. And Sebastian seemed to notice, because those fingers flicked into a brief thumbs up, where his mom couldn’t see.

It wasn’t relief that Alex felt, but he told himself he borrowed strength from that.

‘Um, I’m really sorry, but I don’t think- I mean, I’m grateful for the opportunity, but I can’t...clean here anymore,’ Alex said.

He meant to say something gentler, nicer, but all the words fell through. He felt like he was disappointing his own mom, especially when Robin’s expression fell.

‘Oh no!’ Robin said. ‘Is it the day? We can change the day, or the time, maybe? It’s been so good having a cleaner.’

Sebastian stepped away from the sculpture.

‘Um, it’s not...’ Alex hedged, because he couldn’t think of how to phrase it. ‘I’m just- I’ve been... I’ve had more cleaning jobs and I-’

‘What about if we went to once every two weeks instead?’ Robin said, like she was doing the best job ever at problem-solving Alex’s life.

Sebastian made it back to Alex’s side and stood close to him.

‘Mom,’ he said, ‘you really deserve to have a good cleaner here, but Alex was treated pretty badly by Demetrius.’

Robin’s expression seemed to pause for a few seconds, and then her smile was rueful, and she sighed, taking off the thick gloves she was wearing and placing one of her hands on her hips.

‘If you came during the day, I could make sure he was out doing his surveying and science, but with the hours-’

‘He shouldn’t have to leave his own home, ma’am,’ Alex said quickly. ‘It’s not- I’m not asking for that. It’s just me. You know.’

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, staring at him.

‘It is, though,’ Alex said quickly. ‘Just- I’m not good with... Just with everything. He’s fine. He just has high standards for you.’

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said firmly. ‘He literally told you that your grandparents wouldn’t be proud of you if they knew that you were cleaning other people’s houses.’

Alex knew silences could be loud. This was something he knew all too well from his childhood. And this silence was fucking loud. He couldn’t look at Robin for a few seconds, and then his eyes slid back to hers, and she was looking between her son and Alex, her lips pursed just like Sebastian’s could sometimes.

‘It’s just that he knew about the bullying too,’ Robin said finally, apologetically, to Alex. ‘He worried about Sebastian, and he-’

‘Mom,’ Sebastian said, angry now. ‘Alex started cleaning for me, because of me, because I asked Alex to do it. So how can this still be about Demetrius worrying about me? I’ve never once asked Dem to fight my battles for me, and he’s shit at it, because when I was a teenager he told me to ignore the bullying, and then said I was probably bringing it on myself anyway. It’s pretty convenient for him to pretend he gives a shit now.’

‘He does care,’ Robin said. ‘He does. But... I’m sorry, Alex. It is terrible that he said that to you.’

Alex didn’t know what to say. He wanted to leave. Yeah, he could definitely never clean here again. It didn’t matter if Demetrius was here or not. This was so much more than Robin’s husband being not great at communicating. Alex finally understood what Sebastian meant when he said Robin was part of the problem.

‘I think... He was a latecomer to the town, and he never knew your mom,’ Robin said to Alex. ‘He only ever heard stories about your dad. I didn’t realise he was drawing his own conclusions from that, because we rarely talked about it. I’ll talk to him.’

‘Please don’t,’ Alex said roughly.

He only ever heard stories about your dad.

Yeah, and who the fuck was he hearing them from? He felt a horrible bitterness in his chest when he considered Robin. When he thought about Pelican Town and its citizens.

In that moment, he felt so stupidly grateful for Jodi and her nervous chatter, and how, from the beginning, she’d accepted that Alex was his own person, even if she’d made assumptions about who he was having sex with.

But other people in the town weren’t that generous, even if they were nice on the surface. What did Robin used to say about Alex behind his back? What did she say about his father’s influence? Did she say that Alex only bullied Sebastian because he was like his father?

‘I’m sorry,’ Alex breathed. ‘I gotta go. Sebastian, you can stay if you want to chat with your mom.’

‘No, I’m coming with you,’ Sebastian said, like that had never been in question. ‘Bye, Mom.’

On the way out, Alex met Demetrius’ eyes and wanted to apologise. He realised it was the whole house dynamic. It wasn’t just Demetrius at all. It was the way people talked about Alex and his family and his history. And now Demetrius just saw Alex’s father, where Alex stood.

Whether Alex deserved it, he couldn’t handle being around people who saw him purely through the lens of who his father was.

On the way home, his breathing became uneven, and then audible. In the warming night air, Sebastian reached out when they were halfway between Robin’s house and his house and placed a hand carefully on Alex’s arm.

‘Just stop a sec,’ he said.

Alex nodded, then turned away and put his forehead against a pine tree, hated that he was hyperventilating where Sebastian could see it.

‘Holy shit, Alex,’ Sebastian said quietly, after about a minute passed. ‘Has it been this bad before?’

Alex made a sound of agreement through the breathing. He was slowly getting control of it, and finally he shuddered out a longer exhale, groaning softly with relief. Shit. At least it wasn’t lasting as long as normal. He turned and leaned his back against the pine tree, looking towards the porch light of Sebastian’s house.

‘This is so fucking embarrassing,’ he managed.

‘I mean, it’s like a full-blown panic attack, which is pretty miserable,’ Sebastian said. He joined Alex against the pine tree. The trunk was big enough for the two of them.

‘They all think I’m just like him,’ Alex said. ‘You know how in the justice system, it’s “innocent until proven guilty” or some shit? With me in this town, it’s like I’m my dad, until I can prove I’m my own person. Not everyone does that to me. But Abigail does. And Mayor Lewis does. And Demetrius does. And I’m really sorry, Sebastian, I’m sorry, but I think your mom does it too, even if she doesn’t mean to.’

‘No, she...does,’ Sebastian said. ‘I mean she likes you, but she also- Yeah. I’m sorry. That was something I had to unlearn.’

‘Yeah, you had way less reasons to unlearn it though, with how I was to you. How I treated you.’

‘Just...be quiet,’ Sebastian said, leaning his head on Alex’s shoulder and looking up through the tree canopy. ‘It went both ways.’

‘It’s so unfair to Demetrius that he reminds me of my dad, when they’re nothing alike,’ Alex said, wiping at his face, his wet cheeks. ‘I think I need to see Tim.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah,’ Alex echoed.

They stood there in silence, listening to the night birds together, the frogs in the mountain lake, the occasional hooting of owls, and the splashes of water from fish and otters and leaves falling and creatures hunting. Alex’s breathing calmed, and he rested his head against Sebastian's where it leaned against his shoulder.

A few minutes later they started walking again, no words exchanged, Alex’s breathing steady again.

‘I wish they thought I was like my mom,’ Alex said softly, on the front porch of Sebastian’s house. ‘I wish people remembered her more.’

Sebastian turned and looked at Alex, his eyes black in the harsh light of the overhead globe.

‘Same,’ he said. ‘You could tell me more about her on the drive to Zuzu tomorrow, if you want.’

Alex shrugged. He was so stressed about that stupid eye test.

They were about to go inside when they heard footsteps running after them. They turned and Alex half-expected it to be Robin, but Maru came up the steps, out of breath and placing her hand on one of the support beams, panting for a few seconds.

‘You couldn’t have said hi to your own sister?’ Maru said to Sebastian. ‘I was home!’

‘Uh...’ Sebastian said.

Maru looked at Alex and smiled. ‘Hey Alex, how are you?’

‘Yeah, good,’ Alex said, as Maru squinted at his face. Alex realised he probably looked like he’d been crying. And then she looked between them and her expression creased.

‘Oh, maybe you had a good reason not to say hi. I’ll just... Should I just go?’

‘Yeah, I think-’ Sebastian began.

‘-No, come in,’ Alex said, thinking about how Maru and Sebastian really needed to work on their sibling relationship. ‘I’m okay, hey. You can come in.’

Maru’s smile was gentle, but she seemed to be silently double-checking with Sebastian before following them into the house.

Alex followed, exhausted, unable to understand how a visit that lasted less than ten minutes could wring this much out of him. He tried to think of what Tim would say about weighting, or strength, but all he could think of was how everyone saw his dad in him, and how terrified he was that were right, and that might be all he was, an echo of his shitty, deadbeat dad.

Notes:

In our next chapter, Slowly Falling Into the Ocean:

"‘It’s not you,’ Sebastian said, bringing Alex his coffee, then sitting down in his computer chair after wheeling it away from the desktop. ‘You can come here and visit, you know. As much as you want.’

‘Really?’ Maru said, like she couldn’t quite believe it, looking hopeful.

Sebastian grimaced. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t said it sooner. I’m shit at this.’

And you went to a therapist for communication and everything, Alex thought wryly.

‘I haven’t wanted to bother you,’ Maru said quietly. ‘But you have a really cool house, and it would be cool to come play video games with you sometimes if you wanted. I know I remind you of Dad.’

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said to himself. ‘Maru, no, that’s not your fault. And Dem is just, well, that’s just who he is, you know? He tried. He got that book and everything.’

Maru’s laugh was soft and sad. She saw Alex’s confused expression and smiled. ‘He got a book on how to be a good stepfather. I’m sure he thought there would be a very logical solution for all the feelings he was having about the whole thing. You know, Sebastian, there’s a chance he would’ve played favourites anyway, even if you were fully his. He has some stuff he needs to work on, and because it’s emotional stuff, maybe he never will.’

‘My therapist said that too,’ Sebastian said, leaning back in his chair, coffee resting in his lap. ‘She also said he’d be the kind of person to play favourites even if I was fully his son. I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of it all the time.’

‘Me too,’ Maru said. ‘I’m always going to love him, he’s my dad, but Mom acts like she doesn’t know why we don’t all get together for family meals anymore, and I don’t know if any of us can tell her she- Wait, is it okay to talk about this in front of Alex?’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, and starting to get the house reading for the Christmas tree which I meant to put up like two weeks ago but'cha'know, life stuff!

Chapter 50: Slowly Falling Into the Ocean

Notes:

Behold! A chapter! (I'm too tired to update about my health today so instead I'll update to say that we FINALLY have a break in this godawful heatwave).

For a few seconds, they stood awkwardly in the kitchen. Then, smoothly, Sebastian went to the coffeemaker. Maru placed her hands in her jeans pockets and looked around, then went to the kitchen table and sat where Alex normally did.

‘Did you want a coffee?’ Sebastian said belatedly.

‘Um. No. Just water. If I drink caffeine now, I’ll never get any sleep,’ Maru said.

‘Right. Well, the fridge is there. Help yourself.’

Alex was shocked when Maru got out of the chair and went to the fridge, instead of reaming Sebastian out for being such a poor host. His grandmother would have had a fit at the idea of telling someone to help themselves.

It was awkward, too. Maru poured herself a glass of juice, and Sebastian quietly made himself and Alex a coffee. Maru sat down again, and Alex stood there wondering if he should walk home even though he was staying the night. Sebastian wasn’t saving any of them from the silence.

Sebastian’s shoulders rose and fell on a huge breath.

‘If she could just not defend him for five fucking seconds,’ he said, his voice tight.

Alex realised he meant his mom, and Demetrius, and looked down at the floor. This was his fault. He should’ve just gone over on his own like a grownup.

‘Yeah,’ Maru said quietly.

‘Oh, you agree, do you?’ Sebastian said bitterly.

‘Maybe you don’t remember, but as much as I love him, and we did science together, I found excuses to do robotics in my room. You know, it hasn’t been easy for me either.’

‘Right, because he loves you so much, and that’s so hard for you.’

Maru stared at her juice and then sighed. ‘I thought you’d be an adult about this.’

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said, immediately sounding contrite, and not sarcastic anymore. ‘Sorry. You’re right. I go back over there and it’s like I’m seventeen again. Or eleven.’

‘I can’t control that he has favourites,’ Maru said evenly. ‘I wish he didn’t.’

‘Should I just go?’ Alex said.

‘I’m taking you to Zuzu tomorrow. You can’t just go,’ Sebastian said.

‘Oh!’ Maru said, and opened her mouth to say something else, and then looked between them, eyes darting rapidly. Alex could literally see her adding it all up faster than anyone else could have, because he’d come out to her not that long ago. ‘Oh! You’re- Oh, I see.’

‘What?’ Sebastian said, looking at her blankly.

Out of the three of them, Sebastian was the only one who didn’t know Alex had come out to Maru. He was also probably the only one who didn’t know Maru was a lesbian for Penny.

‘Alex is staying the night?’ Maru said tentatively. ‘Like, are you both- Like...’

Sebastian looked desperately to Alex like someone who’d fucked up, like someone who didn’t want to out Alex if he wasn’t ready yet. 

Alex just shrugged subtly, a silent acknowledgement that Sebastian could tell her if he wanted to.

‘Uh, yeah,’ Sebastian said to Maru. ‘Like that.’

Alex looked at them in amazement.

Was this seriously how they communicated?

‘For how long has that been happening?’ Maru asked.

‘Long enough,’ Sebastian said. ‘I don’t know. It’s new.’

Alex cleared his throat. And then he had both of their eyes on him and nope, he wasn’t prepared for that. He pulled out the chair that Sebastian normally sat in and sat down heavily. He still felt exhausted from talking to Robin, even having Sebastian by his side.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, finally into the silence. ‘It’s new.’

‘Cool,’ Maru said, like it might actually be cool. ‘I feel bad now, chasing you both back here. Seb, I just wanted you to say hi to me. I thought you’d come over all the time, when you moved back from Zuzu, moved across the lake. We’re neighbours.’

‘It’s not you,’ Sebastian said, bringing Alex his coffee, then sitting in his computer chair after wheeling it away from the desktop. ‘You can come and visit, you know. As much as you want.’

‘Really?’ Maru said, like she couldn’t quite believe it, looking hopeful.

Sebastian grimaced. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t said it sooner. I’m shit at this.’

And you went to a therapist for communication and everything, Alex thought wryly.

‘I haven’t wanted to bother you,’ Maru said quietly. ‘But you have a really cool house, and it would be cool to come play video games with you sometimes if you wanted. I know I remind you of Dad.’

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said to himself. ‘Maru, no, that’s not your fault. And Dem is just, well, that’s just who he is, you know? He tried. He got that book and everything.’

Maru’s laugh was soft and sad. She saw Alex’s confused expression and smiled. ‘He got a book on how to be a good stepfather. I’m sure he thought there would be a very logical solution for all the feelings he was having about the whole thing. You know, Sebastian, there’s a chance he would’ve played favourites anyway, even if you were fully his. He has some stuff he needs to work on, and because it’s emotional stuff, maybe he never will.’

‘My therapist said that too,’ Sebastian said, leaning back in his chair, coffee resting in his lap. ‘She also said he’d be the kind of person to play favourites even if I was fully his son. I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of it.’

‘Me too,’ Maru said. ‘I’m always going to love him, he’s my dad, but Mom acts like she doesn’t know why we don’t all get together for family meals anymore, and I don’t know if any of us can tell her she- Wait, is it okay to talk about this in front of Alex?’

‘Yeah, he knows everything,’ Sebastian said.

Maru’s cheeks flushed darker, and she looked between them again, and then smiled apologetically at Alex. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘Sebastian’s pretty private.’

‘Nah, he knows it all,’ Sebastian said, waving a hand like it didn’t matter.

Alex didn’t realise how private Sebastian was about this shit. Everyone knew how Demetrius treated Sebastian like a constant reminder of Robin’s ex instead of a son.

‘And yeah, same,’ Sebastian said. ‘Who’s gonna tell her? She saw it all the way along and dug herself a nice little denial cave. Maybe she thought I was old enough to fend for myself. Or maybe she thought my personality was so shit, I deserved it.’

‘No!’ Maru said.

But her protest faded, and she winced.

‘Maybe,’ she said. ‘But your personality’s not bad.’

‘It’s not,’ Sebastian said bluntly. ‘It’s not. I used to think it was. Took financing a few of my therapist’s holidays to realise I was just a normal teenager going through normal teenage rebellion, and I was being made to feel like I was abnormal because I wasn’t some science-enthusiast sycophant. What’s he gonna do when you rebel? It’s never going to happen, is it? He’ll never be disappointed in you.’

Maru nodded slowly, but towards the end she looked haunted, her eyes drifting as she looked off into the middle distance.

Alex thought about Penny, and he thought about all the lies he’d told his grandparents about marrying Haley and having kids with her one day, and he thought he wasn’t the only one terrified of losing the good ground he had with his family.

‘Uh, Seb?’ Maru’s voice was thinner.

‘Yeah?’

‘So I’m gay,’ she said. ‘Really just...gay. He doesn’t know.’

Sebastian was staring at his screensaver, and then he looked at her, and then there was a sound as his chair clunked back into place when he stopped leaning back in it.

‘You- Huh?’

Maru laughed nervously. ‘I hope you don’t think I’m copying you or anything.’

‘I don’t think that.’

‘I wanted to say something when I realised but then I thought you might be mad at me.’

‘I’m not mad at you,’ Sebastian said, serious and gentle like he could be with Alex sometimes, rolling his chair forward until it was at the kitchen table. ‘I wouldn’t be mad about something like that. How long have you known?’

‘Not- Well, not that long. I tried dating, but I just couldn’t really get into any guys! I thought for a while I was meant to be into science, not sexually, but in a- Oh, I don’t know. Save me from this conversation, please.’

‘You’re fine,’ Sebastian said. ‘I wish you’d told me. I wish I’d made you feel you could have told me. You obviously thought I’d be a dick about it.’

‘I just didn’t know!’ Maru said, a little defensive. ‘I didn’t know. And it wasn’t something I wanted to risk if I didn’t know.’

‘But hey,’ Sebastian said, a half-smirk on his face that was fond. ‘You’re risking it now.’

‘I guess I am,’ she said, and smiled. ‘So we’re all gay?’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. He laughed.

‘Right now, all three of us. Wow.’

‘If you go to one of the clubs in Zuzu, you can be in a whole nightclub of gay people,’ Sebastian said.

Alex lifted his eyebrows. That wasn’t an experience he wanted to have. He just knew it would be loud and overwhelming.

‘Thanks for telling me,’ Sebastian said to Maru, reaching out across the table, resting his hand flat on it. He smiled when Maru placed her hand in his. ‘Come over more. Yell at me some, about how I was a terrible brother.’

‘No, you weren’t... I’m- I didn’t...’ Maru grimaced. ‘Yeah. Yes. Okay. I’ll do that sometimes.’

‘I can handle it,’ Sebastian said. ‘I can try to be a better brother.’

‘I don’t even blame you for leaving the Valley,’ Maru said suddenly. ‘After everything with Martingale, with what he did. Using dark magic to get a divorce like that? It broke my heart. And you always wanted to go to Zuzu. I just never thought you’d come back. And then you did! It hurt when I realised day after day that you just weren’t coming over. Feels like you kind of stuck it to us by moving that close and never saying hi.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. He looked at Alex, and Alex knew that’s exactly what Sebastian had done. ‘I’m a dick. But I want to see you more. Really. I’m glad you said hi.’

Maru’s face broke into a sweet smile.

‘Also glad you’re queer,’ Sebastian said. ‘Shit, if you ever need moral support for that conversation with Dem, let me know.’

‘Yes, I have to say, one of the reasons I haven’t told him yet – and there are many reasons I haven’t told him – is I’m worried he’ll blame you somehow.’

‘I want to say he’s too smart for the good old contagion theory, but fuck, does he have his blind spots. With any luck, Maru, he’ll think you’re so perfect he’ll have no problems with it.’

Maru leaned back and pressed both of her index fingers to her forehead. ‘Perfection is a hard standard to live up to.’

‘Sorry. Of course it is,’ Sebastian said.

She lowered her hands and looked at Sebastian searchingly, and then nodded. They were all silent for some time, and then Maru picked up her empty glass and took it over to the sink, rinsing it out automatically.

Sebastian stood, and Alex started to stand, but Maru turned and waved him down.

‘No, no, it’s fine! I’m going home now. I need to get some sleep. I just wanted to... Yeah. Thanks, Seb.’

‘Anytime, Maru.’

She smiled at him, and he didn’t quite smile back, but Alex could read a kind of affection on his face all the same. Sebastian walked her to the door and then went out onto the porch with her. They talked quietly – Alex couldn’t hear what they were saying – for a couple of minutes, and then Sebastian came back in and sighed.

‘Sorry about that,’ he said, after closing the door.

Alex shook his head. He didn’t think it was anything to apologise for, but man, he was fucked. He so didn’t want to have the stupid eye exam. He closed his eyes and tried to shut out everything, but the glare of the kitchen light still came through.

It wasn’t just going to Zuzu, it was going with Sebastian. It wasn’t just the eye test, it was the fact that he’d have to pretend like everything was fine the entire time. It wasn’t just motion sickness, it was sitting in a car next to someone he was apparently in a relationship with.

Alex startled when Sebastian’s hands and then arms slid over his shoulders and wrapped around his chest. He sucked in a sharp breath even as Sebastian made a settling kind of noise, standing behind him, forehead resting gently on the top of Alex’s head.

Alex opened his mouth, feeling like he should say something even as his heart started thundering. He wasn’t used to any of this.

‘That was a lot,’ Sebastian said. ‘For me too.’

Sebastian’s hands pressed flat and hot just underneath Alex’s pectorals. Eventually he moved his head and until he could rest his forehead on Alex’s shoulder.

‘You smell good,’ he said.

‘I’m sweaty.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said with a low laugh. ‘Fuck. I didn’t think I was going to sleep and get up tomorrow morning properly given it’s fucking with my sleep schedule, but I might, if you’re next to me.’

Alex didn’t know if he’d sleep at all, but those words were a balm in his sore mind.

*

To Alex’s surprise, he slept well that night. He thought he’d toss and turn, or fantasise about Sebastian, or spend the entire time with a boner, but within only a few minutes – Sebastian still up and playing some phone game next to him – Alex fell asleep facing him, liking the smell of the freshly made bed he’d put so much care into stripping and recreating for Sebastian.

Maybe he should change his own bed sheets twice a week, but that was a lot of effort when he wasn’t getting paid for it.

He woke to the smell of bacon. He showered after making the bed, dreading everything about the day. Even spending the day with Sebastian couldn’t make up for the fact that he had a medical appointment with a specialist he’d never seen before. And he was probably going to have to read, and they were going to tell him he was stupid.

Over bacon sandwiches, Sebastian said: ‘You look pretty fucked, hey.’

‘Gee, thanks,’ Alex deadpanned.

‘You’re stressed?’

‘I hate medical shit,’ Alex said. ‘I hate it so much.’

‘Do you want me to come into the appointment with you?’

‘Fuck no,’ Alex breathed, then closed his eyes. ‘Sorry. No. Just, if someone’s going to tell me I’m clinically stupid, I don’t want anyone else there to hear it.’

‘No one’s going to say that,’ Sebastian sighed. ‘That’s not their job.’

‘Before Dr Harvey came, do you remember the doctor we had?’

‘Dr Benny, sure,’ Sebastian said. ‘Dude was four hundred years old.’

Alex laughed, rubbing at his face. ‘Yeah.’

He thought about whether he should keep speaking, whether he should share anything from his past. His instincts told him not to, but he’d watched Sebastian and Maru talk about the past only a few hours before, and it had led to something good. He’d talked about the past with Jodi, and it had worked out. He’d talked about parts of the past with Sebastian, and they were kind of in a relationship now.

It didn’t erase the fear, a deep-seated visceral response to the idea of opening up to anyone about anything at all.

‘He once said to my mom that I might not be the brightest or cleverest, but I sure could kick a goal and pass the ball well, and that was all that mattered.’

Sebastian was already finished, and he looked down at his plate.

‘It’s funny, because like, on its own, it probably wasn’t meant to be anything mean. But added up with every other fucking thing you were hearing. No wonder it hit so hard.’

‘I’m pretty sure it’s why I threw myself into sports so much,’ Alex said. He laughed and leaned back in his chair, no words for the melancholy crawling into him.

It was just this stupid fucking appointment.

‘And he didn’t send you for an eye test or any kind of assessment, did he?’ Sebastian said.

‘The thing is,’ Alex said, thumbing up the crumbs from his plate and licking them off, ‘the thing is, my dad wouldn’t have let that happen anyway. Mom had to take me to any appointment in secret. That sounds really weird, and I guess it kind of was. But we weren’t ever supposed to see any doctors, not for anything. He was a big believer in the power of Yoba for healing stuff. A big believer in shutting the fuck up about it.’

Sebastian was silent for so long that Alex squinted at him. Sebastian tilted his head and looked away. ‘Or he just didn’t want to get caught.’

‘Yeah, ha, I guess,’ Alex said. ‘But you know, Dr Benny saw me and Mom with bruises and shit and never did a thing about it. So joke’s on him. But yeah, Dad’s sense of religion really never seemed that meaningful.’

‘You don’t talk about him much,’ Sebastian said. ‘I talk about Demetrius way more.’

‘There’s not much to tell,’ Alex said, getting up and picking up the plates, taking Sebastian’s to the sink as well.

‘I think it’s more like there’s not much you want to tell.’

Alex shrugged and washed his hands and tried to swallow down the nerves that were just building and building and fucking building.

‘You should take the motion sickness tablet now,’ Sebastian said, looking at the time on his phone. ‘So it’s properly kicked in when we leave.’

Alex gulped, wanted to ask Sebastian if he was sure he wanted to do this.

‘I won’t be fun on this trip,’ Alex said hoarsely.

‘I’m not doing this to have fun,’ Sebastian said, standing up and sliding his wallet into his pocket.

Alex wondered why he was doing it at all, but it was too late to back out now. The stupid clinic would charge him a fee if he cancelled.

Shit. Fucking Zuzu. He hoped Sebastian didn’t take one look at the city and realise he needed to leave Stardew Valley for a second time, once and for all.

Notes:

In our next chapter, The Truth Before Your Eyes:

"‘Hey,’ Sebastian said. He must have seen him, even though he’d been facing the other way. ‘Are you all right? That took a while, and I…’

Alex shook his head, then laughed at how pathetic all of this was, swallowing down the sob that was coming.

‘I need glasses,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘I should’ve always had them. My eyes are terrible, and I should’ve always had them. All the time! Not just for reading! I didn’t know things weren’t supposed to be blurry like that. I didn’t know. And I’m too tired to pick them out. And I could have them in a couple of hours, but I don’t know how to go back in there and pick frames out, and I don’t-’

‘Hey, stop a second,’ Sebastian said, wrapping an arm around him firmly."

*

Maybe 'hot city trip' becomes 'Alex having a breakdown trip' saklfjsa meanwhile I'm on Tumblr. I actually finished chapter 54 of this story today in our writer's group :D

Chapter 51: The Truth Before Your Eyes

Notes:

Note: If Robin can build a house in like 3 business days with gaming logic, then Alex can definitely get glasses in like two hours sdlfkjas

Also a lot of folks have seemed to think it's an either/or situation - Alex needs glasses OR Alex has dyslexia. The only reason he's getting an eye test (and glasses) is that it's literally useless to test for dyslexia until you've treated that side of things, he can have both folks, many of us (and you) do!

The motion sickness tablet made Alex feel dopey, and he stared out of the window on the drive, listening to the low-key electronic music that Sebastian played. It wasn’t a radio station, it must have been a playlist, and Alex let his thoughts drift as he watched the landscape go by.

He still got a headache, and he was still nauseated, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it used to be when he was a kid.

Sebastian didn’t need a map to get to Zuzu. He knew it all off by heart. Even as the roads got busier and Alex felt overwhelmed when he saw the larger corporate buildings and industrial complexes cropping up.

He sat up straighter and felt anxious again, wringing his hands together.

At a gas station, Sebastian pulled over to get them drinks, and Alex got out of the car and paced back and forth, focusing on his breathing.

Sebastian returned with some soda, and he watched Alex and, to Alex’s surprise, smiled faintly.

‘What?’ Alex said.

‘Now that I know to look for it, you’re probably one of the most stressed people I know.’

‘Thanks,’ Alex said. He took the soda and didn’t open it. And then he kept pacing, ten steps left, ten steps right, stumbling to a halt when Sebastian stepped into his path. ‘Hey, I’m in a groove.’

‘Come here,’ Sebastian said. He hooked a finger into Alex’s shirt and brought him close, and Alex nervously looked around, even as he came closer because Sebastian was magnetic. Alex was scared people would insult them, or yell at them, but Sebastian was right here and reeling him in, and Alex shuddered as he got close enough that their clothes touched.

‘I’m good,’ Alex said.

‘Sure you are,’ Sebastian said. ‘You’re going to do great. We’re going to make it to the appointment early, and then you can hopefully chill out afterwards. Nice and easy.’

‘I’m sorry for all of this. It’s such a- I’m sorry.’

‘It’s like Maru apologising to me last night. It’s so unnecessary,’ Sebastian said. ‘One thing you’ve probably learned about me by now is that I don’t do shit I don’t want to do.’

Alex nodded, wanted to make a joke about how he should’ve blown Sebastian in the car on the drive. Instead, he felt like he was shaking apart, even though he wasn’t shaking at all.

‘You’re so freaked out,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘Is there anything I can do?’

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘Sorry. I mean, you’re here. Thanks, if I don’t say it later.’

‘Yeah, you’re welcome,’ Sebastian said.

‘I can pay you for the gas.’

‘Nope.’

‘I can pay you for-’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, placing a hand on the back of Alex’s neck.

Hey, are we really in a relationship?

Alex realised that even after their conversation, none of it felt real. He pressed his nose to Sebastian’s neck and breathed in his cologne and felt exposed by the sun. It smelled here, on the outskirts of Zuzu. Like the old oil from fast-food outlets, and gas, and too much tarmac, and too much exhaust coming out of too many cars.

He wasn’t like Sebastian. He couldn’t follow him if he moved back to the city. Alex had thought about it a few times, but what would he do somewhere like Zuzu? He didn’t crave any of it.

‘Zuzu’s where my grandma came to die,’ Alex said, surprised by the sentence when he said it.

‘Ah, fuck,’ Sebastian said.

He said nothing more, but Alex felt like Sebastian conveyed a lot in those two words. And he nodded, and they stood there, leaning into each other as Alex tried to get his shit together.

*

The mall was opposite a large grassy park, and Sebastian dropped Alex off outside the front-facing eye clinic and pointed at the carpark opposite.

‘I’m going to get some coffee, but the car’ll be over there. See where the big tree is? There are parking spots. Come find me after. If you need me sooner, text me.’

‘Y-yeah.’

‘You’ll do great,’ Sebastian said, as Alex got out of the car.

‘Pretty sure it’s not the kind of thing you do great at,’ Alex said.

Sebastian’s smile was sympathetic, and Alex wasn’t sure if what he gave back to Sebastian could be called anything close to a smile. Just some weird fucking attempt.

Alex turned to look at the clinic. It was larger than he thought, and had lots of big glass windows, and blurred text on posters and signage. He rubbed at his forehead and walked in, heart pounding so hard he felt ill.

The space was meant to be inviting. He knew it was. There were healthy plants in decorative pots, and nice chairs, and only two other people in a large waiting room, and a smiling receptionist at the counter, and Alex couldn’t take any of it in. He stood at the counter, said his name, and felt his heart sink when the receptionist printed out a form for him to fill out.

A small form, tiny black font on grey backgrounds, small boxes to write in, and he held the clipboard and stared down at it.

‘Um,’ he said.

He could do this. He could fucking do this. He had to do this for his grandparents when they were sick. The headache would be worth it.

‘Is everything okay?’ the receptionist said. She had a really friendly smile.

‘I get headaches when I- No, it’s- It’s fine. I can do it.’

‘Oh!’ she said. ‘Sorry, that should’ve been in your file. I can get the doctor to go through it all with you. I’m going to run through some quick admin questions with you now. Is that okay?’

Alex nodded.

‘Great,’ she said. ‘It’s quiet today, so I’ve got time.’

The questions were about Alex’s last eye test, and who his regular doctor was, and if he was taking any medications, and a whole bunch of stuff that felt vaguely familiar from answering these kinds of questions for his grandparents, who were taking medications, who had previous medical history. Alex’s shit was easier. He was taking nothing except for some supplements. He didn’t have a previous medical history. He’d been going to the same clinic all his life, and the doctor had only changed once.

He was answering a question about the symptoms that brought him there in the first place, when a young woman came out from the corridor that led to all the doctors and exam rooms. She had black, curly hair and olive-tan skin, and her eyebrows were dark and thick.

‘Alex?’ she said.

Alex nodded, and the receptionist smiled brightly. ‘I’ve just input everything into his file, except for the last question. He has some pain with reading, so we did it all interview style.’

‘Awesome. We’ll keep that up then. Do you want to come with me?’

Alex stood there for several seconds, holding the clipboard hard to his chest. He realised he looked like an idiot and handed the board and the blank form back to the receptionist.

He followed the woman down a corridor.

‘I’m Doctor Ezari, but you can call me Mina. I’m going to take you into my office, take a quick look at your file, and then we’ll get started. I saw in your referral that you’ve never had an eye test, despite having a few eye problems?’

‘Reading problems,’ Alex said.

‘Let’s just put it all under the same umbrella for now and then see what’s left standing under it as we go,’ Mina said, laughing.

Alex nodded, and didn’t laugh with her.

Dr Ezari’s office was spacious and airy. Alex sat in a green chair and could feel his pulse in his ears as she walked him through the tests they were going to do. Alex pressed his teeth together and felt like he’d disappointed them all by never getting an eye test before.

Dr Ezari asked a lot more questions, and they were all difficult to answer. It was hard to describe what reading was like, and how it was different if the font was large or small. It was hard talking about his primary school and high school experiences. It was hard explaining that he could read a few sentences without a headache, but too much, or forcing himself to focus on the words, gave him bad head pain.

It was hard describing the headaches, because Alex was used to keeping most of them a secret.

Dr Ezari took so many notes, her fingers flying over the keys of her keyboard. But she paused when Alex said the pain in his head lasted for at least a day afterwards.

‘That sounds like eye strain,’ she said quietly. ‘It might not be. And it’s not uncommon for eye issues, inner ear issues, and dyslexia to all play together in different ways. I think we’ll have to tread carefully with some parts of the eye exam. We’re going to take it nice and slow, and I’m only going to start you off with the largest letters at first. But if you had astigmatism that wasn’t treated…’

She looked off into the distance and then clapped her hands to her knees.

‘Let’s find out!’

‘What is that? Astigmatism?’ Alex said.

‘It’s when there’s some asymmetry in the ability of your eyes. Basically, one is worse at focusing than the other. It can cause some doubling, blurred vision, a few of the things you’re describing, though not all of them! But you could have a few things going on.’

‘Shit.’

‘It can be treated,’ she said. ‘I have pretty bad astigmatism myself. Can’t see a damned thing properly without my glasses on.’

Alex had barely paid attention to the rows of glasses along the walls when he’d come in. He’d not connected the dots between having an eye exam and possibly needing glasses.

Before he could say anything, she took him into a separate room connected to her office, with a big chair that sort of looked like a more comfortable version of a dentist’s chair. He got into it, staring at the big black contraption attached to a hinge that was supposed to go in front of his eyes.

And then a small projector came on, and there were letters on the wall, and Alex immediately looked away.

‘I want you to tell me if you feel you’re getting a reading-related headache,’ Dr Ezari said. ‘Can you do that?’

Alex nodded.

‘Unfortunately, I might not stop the exam, but I can change the lens focus, and we can take breaks if you need them. Since we’re starting from scratch, I’ll be pausing a bit, anyway. When you feel like your forehead or eyes are getting too sore, I want you to use this and place it over your closed eyes for a few seconds, all right?’

She handed him a warm compress. Alex held it in his hands and stared at it in shock. He’d seen her use a machine and stupidly thought it was some high-tech medical equipment. It was a microwave.

‘We use compresses in our clinic for things like this, because we don’t want you leaving feeling completely miserable,’ she said, and smiled warmly. ‘You ready?’

‘Uh,’ He nodded.

‘Don’t worry. I’m confident we’ll sort this out together. Now, I’m going to move this machine in front of your face. It has all different lenses inside it to find out if you can see better with them. But it’s going to start with just your regular eyesight, okay? It’s going to sit lightly on the bridge of your nose, and I want your chin to rest right here.’

She was already moving the thing towards him, pointing where she wanted him to rest his face, and Alex was by turns holding his breath, breathing shallowly, swallowing, and then trying to secretly take deeper breaths so he didn’t scream.

‘Just look at the largest letter,’ she said. ‘Is that blurry?’

‘I don’t think so? Maybe a little.’

‘And can you read it?’

‘It’s an E.’

‘And you think that’s a little blurry?’

‘Uh huh. Maybe? It seems normal, but I don’t know. Letters always seem a little blurry.’

‘Hmm,’ she said. ‘Maybe everything’s a little blurry, and you just got really used to it. I’m going to mask your left eye for a sec and see what we can do with the right.’

Alex frowned. A click, and Alex couldn’t see anything at all out of the left part of the machine. Dr Ezari was already switching through lenses rapidly on the machine, little clicking noises that made the letter appear worse for his right eye and then suddenly so much fucking clearer.

‘Oh!’ Alex said. ‘That one!’

‘Yeah?’ Dr Ezari said, sounding weirdly excited. ‘Hang on, let me get the other side in a second. What’s the E look like now?’

‘Better,’ Alex said, his heart beating even harder, because he kept blinking and realising he didn’t need to squint at it. ‘I don’t know. It’s so clear.’

‘It’s not jumping around or anything?’

‘It’s- No? But they don’t always. Big letters don’t jump around in the same way.’

‘Good, good.’

She masked his right eye and let his left see again, and Alex was shocked at how blurry the E was, though at least it wasn’t doubling. She went through the lenses again, more slowly this time, and paused at a point, but the letter was still blurry.

‘Not this one?’ she said.

‘It’s still- It’s not like the other side.’

‘Oh, yeah, I definitely think you have pretty significant astigmatism happening, and possibly some convergence insufficiency.’

She moved through the lenses much more slowly after that, and it must have been another six or seven steps before the E got better. It still wasn’t as good as the other side.

‘No, that’s okay! I’m going to do something else,’ she said. More clicking, and Alex’s fingers dug into his jeans when the E suddenly didn’t have that halo around it anymore, and it was just…a letter.

‘Wow,’ he said.

‘That’s the one?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Great! I’m going to unmask your right eye now. Let me know what you think.’

When she took the blackness away from his right eye, Alex blinked several times, his head feeling weird, a faint headache building. It wasn’t as fast as the one he normally got, but he’d been focusing through different lenses for such a long time.

‘It’s weird,’ he said. ‘It’s clearer. Like, so much clearer, but it’s weird. Like it doesn’t match up somehow.’

‘But the letter’s not blurry?’

‘I think the right’s worse than the left now. Is that stupid?’

‘No, it’s not stupid,’ Dr Ezari said. ‘Do you think you want to try some slightly smaller letters?’

‘Okay,’ Alex said nervously.

‘Great. You let me know if you need a break, okay? Your eyes are working really hard right now.’

It felt like they weren’t working nearly as hard as they normally did.

To Alex’s shock, he could read the next line, but the one after had the letters going blurry again, and there was some doubling on the letter O.

‘Okay!’ Dr Ezari said. ‘Let’s get to work.’

It was more eye masking, lens switching, and it felt like fine-tuning something. Picking between option one and option two, and Alex suddenly sucked down a rough breath at the next option and clenched his hands together.

‘I don’t know, I don’t know,’ he said, panicking.

‘It’s okay,’ Dr Ezari said. ‘That’s okay. This stresses everyone out once we get to a certain point, and you can’t really tell the difference anymore. So I’m going to try a few more things, and you just do your best. How’s your head? Any pain?’

‘Uh.’

‘Let’s take a break here. I want you to lean back in the chair, close your eyes, and put the compress over them and your forehead, okay?’

Alex nodded, glad to be told what to do. The compress - warm now, and not hot anymore - actually felt good over his eyes, and he sighed heavily, thinking that he should do this shit at home.

‘So, Alex, I’m really sorry you didn’t get an eye exam when you were younger. You absolutely need glasses.’

‘Oh.’

‘Not just sometimes, for reading, but all the time, from when you wake up to when you go to bed at night,’ she said. ‘It’s a good thing you don’t drive much! I’ve seen this before, where people from certain backgrounds just think a certain way of seeing is normal, and don’t know it can be different. There’s some good news and bad news on that front. The good news is the world’s going to look pretty amazing with glasses. The bad news is that after a lifetime of eye strain and headaches and not having corrective lenses, the glasses themselves are going to cause some pretty bad eye strain until you’re used to them.’

‘Uh, shit. Sorry! Sorry, didn’t mean to swear.’

‘No, it’s a pretty shitty situation. You’re going to need to condition yourself to wearing them, because I think you’re going to have quite an intense prescription at the end of this. I’m going to record a message for your phone that you can listen to whenever you need to, and write some instructions about how you should wear these. You’re going to be tempted to wear them a lot, I think, because of how much clearer everything will be. But I don’t want you wearing them for more than a few minutes at a time, at first. And I’m going to give you a prescription for some meds to help with the headaches and the nausea.’

‘What about the- The dyslexia?’

‘Yeah, hm. I want to test for that too, but my thinking right now is that until your vision has settled into your new prescription, there’s no point doing some of the dyslexia testing right now. Some stuff I could probably do now around phonemes and stuff, but we’ll bring you in for a follow-up in about a month or two, anyway, and we’ll do that then, okay?’

‘I need glasses? I’ve always needed them?’

He expected to feel horrified because glasses were something that geeks wore, but weirdly, he wasn’t that bothered by it. Sebastian looked hot in his glasses when he was wearing them, and Alex still couldn’t believe how clear she’d made some of the letters, like wiping a smear off the world.

‘Maybe not always, but definitely since you were a kid,’ she said.

‘Do you think I’m an idiot for not seeing someone sooner?’

‘No,’ she said. ‘Actually, I’ve seen this quite a lot from folks who come from backgrounds where doctors aren’t trusted, or where medicine is treated with suspicion, or where parents think they can cure eyesight issues with home remedies or believe your eyes get stronger if you don’t wear glasses. It happens. It’s amazing, truly, what people adjust to! And when it’s all you’ve ever known, of course that’s normal to you, and you don’t think to get tested for it.’

‘Wow,’ Alex said, feeling weirdly emotional. ‘Wow.’

‘It’s a lot,’ Dr Ezari said with a sympathetic smile. ‘I’m really going to need you to not overdo it when wearing the glasses.’

‘Sure.’

‘You say that now… Well. Anyway, let’s keep going. I want to do a few more tests with your eyes and look more at the curvature, and some other technical things. How are your eyes feeling?’

‘Better,’ he said.

‘We’ll give you a free compress to take home. Use it.’

Alex nodded meekly.

For some reason, Alex thought the rest of the appointment would only be another five or ten minutes, but it wasn’t. Dr Ezari took him through smaller and smaller letters projected on the wall until Alex thought she was trying to give him magnifying glasses instead of regular glasses. Alex needed to use the compress three more times and still felt woozy as she shone a light into his eyes, puffed air into them - so fucking weird - and then asked if she could do some kind of scan to look at the backs of his eyes.

And when Alex was really ready to be done, she told him he needed to pick frames for the lenses of his new glasses.

Alex felt something fall through him, a simultaneous urge to cry or scream, and she must have seen how done he was on his face, because she tilted her head and considered him for a while, as he thought of how to explain that he was going to fucking throw something if this kept going.

‘Tell you what,’ she said, ‘how about I write up your report, record some instructions, and you can come back in an hour and look at frames for your glasses? It will slow down how quickly they’ll be made, but you can still pick them up by the end of the day. Is that all right?’

‘Yeah,’ he said, feeling relieved and wiped out at the same time. ‘Can I- Can someone else help me? I don’t even know if he wants to, but maybe…’

‘It’s great to have someone help you pick out frames! That’s a wonderful idea. I’m going to heat the compress up for you again, and you can take it home. Pay at the counter on your way out. The glasses will be a separate charge, and you can do that when you come back.’

Alex nodded and felt wobbly when he stood up from the chair. He took a few deep breaths, standing there and trying to stabilise.

‘I’m going to get those meds organised for you as well,’ she said, watching him.

‘I’m good,’ he said.

‘You’ve definitely gotten used to a lot of things you shouldn’t have had to, but Alex, it’s disabling to have eyesight like yours. You need prescription glasses. Just like someone might need a wheelchair. You’re…not actually road safe, and if you were actively driving right now, I’d have to take your licence until you got the glasses. The good news is that in a month or two, life’s going to literally look pretty different for you. Just…take it easy for the next hour, okay? This is a big thing to learn about yourself.’

He nodded only once, because his head ached, and he walked back down the corridor on his own and paid quietly at the counter, glad the receptionist talked little. Maybe she could see it on his face, how drawn and exhausted he felt.

Alex looked at the time on his phone, shocked at how blurry the numbers were now. He put his phone back and pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead, the compress in his other hand. He took several breaths and walked across the road, feeling spacey and strange.

Sebastian wasn’t in the car, but standing by a tree, smoking a cigarette. Alex frowned. Sebastian hardly ever did that anymore, and he wondered if he was stressed, or just had the habit in Zuzu or something.

Alex felt a clawing emotion making its way up through his gut, into his chest, and before he could step onto the grass of the parkland, his eyes were tearing up and he had to stop, embarrassed. He’d literally just- He’d literally just fucking cried in front of Sebastian, with Robin and that whole situation.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said. He must have seen him, even though he’d been facing the other way. ‘Are you all right? That took a while, and I…’

Alex shook his head, then laughed at how pathetic all of this was, swallowing down the sob that was coming.

‘I need glasses,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘I should’ve always had them. My eyes are terrible, and I should’ve always had them. All the time! Not just for reading! I didn’t know things weren’t supposed to be blurry like that. I didn’t know. And I’m too tired to pick them out. And I could have them in a couple of hours, but I don’t know how to go back in there and pick frames out, and I don’t-’

‘Hey, stop a second,’ Sebastian said, wrapping an arm around him firmly. ‘We’re going to get something to eat, and sit down for a bit, and then we’ll come back together and pick out some frames for you. They don’t think you have dyslexia?’

‘I think my eyes are so bad they can’t even tell until they’ve… Until… I don’t fucking know. Sorry. I wasn’t like this in there. I should’ve always had them! Even as a kid! And he wouldn’t- They wouldn’t…’

Alex couldn’t continue. After several shaking breaths, he realised what the clawing, griping thing in his chest was.

‘I thought it was me,’ he said, his voice low and desperate, as Sebastian drew him closer. ‘I thought it was me.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘Yeah.’

‘This is so shit,’ Alex said, and Sebastian laughed softly, but the sound wasn’t mocking at all. Somehow, Sebastian agreed with him with that sound, and Alex sank into him and clutched at his black shirt. Alex couldn’t stop the turmoil that was hating not just his dad, but also his mom, for never letting him see the world as it was always meant to be seen.

He wanted to go back to that world of clarity, where the letters had been crisp and clean, but he was overloaded, and in that moment he pretended nothing else existed except for the warmth and steadiness of Sebastian against him, holding him close.

Notes:

In our next chapter, The Simmering Past:

"‘That’s so fucking...’ Alex didn’t know what to say. He’d been about to deride it, but it was nice. It just felt like something for kids. ‘Sorry. I think I’m messed up today. I don’t know if I’m going to be fun to fuck.’

‘It’s maybe getting on my nerves a bit, that you keep thinking that’s why I came,’ Sebastian said, and Alex heard him swallow as he sat back up against the headboard, pushing a pillow behind his back. ‘But maybe you’re just not used to people being there for you when you’re going through something. What about Haley though?’

‘Well, but Haley never wanted to fuck me,’ Alex said, laughing as he propped himself up against the headboard.

‘What, so if she did, you would’ve? Just because she was nice to you?’

Alex shrugged. ‘That’s fucked up, isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ Sebastian said, not even teasing. ‘Yeah, Alex, it is.’

‘I said I’d see Tim.’"

*

And he will, because I've already written that chapter, lol. I'm on Tumblr, hiding out in liminal spaces, transforming into a ghost in slow motion.

Chapter 52: The Simmering Past

Notes:

Notes: Chips = fries in this context. Also burger = bun, not the meat, so fish burger has no meat patty on it, only the fish (because it’s the bun, not the meat, I know I know it’s not how the rest of the world does it).

Also, in Australia, the ground floor is the floor “on the ground” that you enter the building on, and the first floor is the first floor you need stairs to get to (anything beneath the ground floor is the basement). I believe that’s different in different countries, which is wild to me!

Content Notes: ALSO, Alex does some vague food and food-group shaming here, it’s very mild and internal, but it’s there. Remember that food isn’t good or bad, it’s just food! Carbs are fine actually! And, finally, Alex talks and thinks about some of the domestic violence he and his mom went through, and that's pretty rough. Take care of yourselves, folks.

Sebastian was halfway through his burger when he suddenly lowered it and stared at nothing, eyes widening.

‘Maru’s gay,’ he said.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said tiredly, eating his chips. He normally didn’t eat stuff like this, and his teenage self would be horrified to see this many carbs on the menu. But his fish burger was great, and he felt less like crying all over the place now, and more like he could maybe handle going back to the clinic and picking out frames for his glasses. Maybe.

‘She’s gay,’ Sebastian said again, slowly.

Alex realised Sebastian hadn’t processed something that was pretty significant. He took a sip of his Joja Cola and cleared his throat.

‘Yeah, she is,’ Alex said more seriously. ‘That came out of nowhere, huh?’

‘I just- I never… I would’ve been less surprised if she’d come out as asexual, honestly.’

‘Is it true that Demetrius will blame you?’

‘I don’t know,’ Sebastian said, then took a huge bite out of his burger. He chewed as he thought it over, and Alex looked around the little family restaurant they’d found. It wasn’t as busy here as he expected, and it was cool to have a place like this to visit. There was nothing similar in Pelican Town that didn’t also come with alcohol.

‘I mean, that’s shitty.’

‘I’ve never really clocked Demetrius as homophobic,’ Sebastian said, tilting his head. ‘I think if he gets upset at anything, it’ll be that he won’t understand Maru can still have children if she wants them and she can still give him grandkids. He’s hyper-logical, but he also isn’t very creative when thinking about the ways humans solve human problems. I don’t know if Maru even wants kids. But I can’t see him being terrible about it.’

Alex totally could, but he’d experienced a different side of him.

‘I get why she’s scared, though,’ Sebastian added.

‘How did they all react to you coming out?’ Alex asked. ‘What did Demetrius do?’

‘They were polite, nice and uneasy about it,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘Demetrius was better about it when he realised I was dating the farmer, because he has some science projects on Wentworth’s property and he was like, “You can maintain the fruit cave now that Martingale isn’t doing it anymore, and tell me how that computer’s doing.” I mean, he was fine, I guess. He said congratulations, and Maru hugged me, and Mom did that whole thing where she was trying to be happy for me while also being really cut up in her own way. She’s good about it now. She was so mad when Wentworth divorced me. Demetrius was too, in his own way, but he really thought it was my fault.’

Alex nodded. Sebastian finished the rest of his burger and looked at his phone a few times, replying to a couple of emails. He gestured to his plate and the leftover chips when he saw that Alex had finished everything on his.

Alex poached Sebastian’s chips and rubbed his aching forehead.

‘You haven’t talked about the eye test much,’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah.’

‘What frames do you want?’

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘I’ve never thought about it. What do you think?’

‘Honest opinion? I think you’d look great with something classic, like black or gold or something. You wear a lot of earthy colours these days, and you’ve got features that could pull it off.’

‘I have to wear them all the time,’ Alex said, biting the inside of his lip. ‘They’re gonna feel weird on my face.’

‘Yeah, but in exchange, you get to see stuff better, right?’

Alex choked up again, stared down at his empty plate. ‘I’d never- The letters were so clear.’

‘During the test?’ Sebastian said.

‘I didn’t know they could be like that,’ he said, clenching his fists. ‘I just didn’t know. I thought it was normal. I thought people were just better at dealing with all of that shit than I was. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to read better or anything after all of this, but I could see the letters better.’

‘You’ve also seemed sicker from reading in the past,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘I know you’re going through a lot, and your head hurts, but I’ve seen you in a pretty bad way after reading a lot.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

He wanted to ask Sebastian if he’d hated the whole trip, but he wasn’t ready to hear anything depressing yet. He finished his soda and stretched his arms out.

‘Let’s get this over and done with,’ he said, standing. He rubbed at his face, laughed to himself about how stupid all of this was, and then shared a look with Sebastian that made him grateful he was there.

*

In the end, he picked out two frames, because they had a buy-one-get-one-free deal going for new clients until the end of the week. One pair was a dark wood with gold highlights that felt nice on his nose, and the other was a gunmetal grey with pine-green highlights that Alex thought were pretty cool.

‘I’m going to book us a hotel,’ Sebastian said, after Alex paid and tried not to cringe at the amount of gold it cost. He could afford it, but he still had a deep terror of being too poor to eat well lurking inside him. He still remembered what it felt like to collapse by his grandpa’s dead body, and cry not just because he’d lost every member of his family, but because he couldn’t afford those funerals.

‘A hotel?’ Alex said blankly as they walked out of the clinic together.

‘Uh huh,’ Sebastian said, already on his phone.

‘But… I mean-’

‘I want some decent sleep,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s two hours until we can get your glasses. The drive home is long. You’re already fucked, and you get motion sickness. Let’s just spend the night here.’

‘Hotels are expensive,’ Alex said.

‘Not last-minute discount bookings if you know the right sites,’ Sebastian said. ‘What, you got somewhere to be tomorrow?’

‘No, I just…’

Staying in a hotel seemed like a big deal. Alex had never stayed in one before. That was intimidating as shit. He felt like everyone was going to know he was some hick from Pelican Town. Sebastian stopped browsing his phone and stopped by his car, leaning against it, considering Alex with a critical gaze. Alex wondered if Sebastian was blurry all the time, and if he just didn’t know. He wondered what Sebastian would look like with glasses on.

‘Would you be stressed about this even if you hadn’t had an eye test today?’ Sebastian said suddenly.

‘Yeah.’

‘And coming to Zuzu?’

‘I mean, yeah. It’s why I don’t come.’

Sebastian laughed under his breath, and then rolled his eyes.

‘What, man?’ Alex said, staring at him.

‘Just- Promise me you’ll see Tim for one session.’

‘I saw him already for like ten minutes! I’ll- Yeah, okay. What’s wrong with me finding this shit stressful?’

‘Because it sucks to be so scared of things all the time,’ Sebastian said, pressing the thing on his car that let the doors unlock. They both got in and Sebastian did some things on his phone. ‘There, we’re booked.’

‘Already?’ Alex said.

‘I mean, you can sleep in my car if you want, but I got us a pretty sweet deal. You can get some decent sleep. You look like you need it.’

‘Thanks.’

‘What, you want me to tell you that you’re the hottest you’ve ever been right now?’ Sebastian said, arching an eyebrow.

Alex felt dully hurt at that, and Sebastian leaned over the console and kissed Alex’s lips lightly. Alex shivered.

‘You’re always hot,’ Sebastian said quietly, under his breath. ‘But I don’t think now’s the time for that kind of thing.’

‘It could be,’ Alex said sulkily, as he stared out of the window and Sebastian turned the engine on.

Sebastian pulled out and Alex closed his eyes, even though it made the motion sickness worse. The compress for his eyes was cold again, and he was looking forward to warming it up and having the pressure against his forehead and eyelids. It seemed to help.

They picked up Alex’s new glasses on the way to the hotel. They were finished early, and when Alex was told to put them on just to make sure the lenses looked right, he stared in amazement at the rows of glasses on the shelves picked out in their fine detail, and then he stared at Sebastian.

He could see things better close up, so there were fewer new details, but everything was so clear. Sebastian’s hair with its individual strands, including a few white hairs Alex had never noticed before, behind his right ear. The strong line of his eyebrows seemed thicker now. He opened his mouth to say something, then felt a twinge behind his eyes and winced.

He took the glasses off regretfully and suddenly understood what Dr Ezari meant when she said Alex was going to want to wear the glasses way more than he should.

Alex couldn’t bring himself to say anything on the way to the hotel, and listened to Dr Ezari’s instructions instead, which were laid out in a voice message.

Sebastian listened too, then whistled softly. ‘Do you know how bad your eyes have to be for them to give you advice like this? Like, most of the time they just tell you to “suck it up” and deal with the eyestrain until you adjust, because powering through it is the fastest way forward. My eyes are pretty bad, I can’t imagine…’

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel.

‘Shit, I can’t imagine not having them.’

Alex had no words left inside him. He kept thinking of his mom, how scared she was, and how it wasn’t her fault, really. It wasn’t. But he couldn’t pin it all on his dad for once. He was left twisted up, angry at his mom, angry at himself for being angry at her. She was everything. She and his grandparents were the only reason he survived his childhood.

But all he could think of was every time a teacher told him he could read the words if he just tried hard enough. Every time a teacher put him at the back of the class after a few weeks because kids asked about the bruises he sometimes had, and then that just became his place. His mom not quite saying he was stupid, because she would never say that, but saying there was room for everyone in the world, no matter what their abilities were.

And, sure, that was true. Alex still had eye issues and probably still had some dyslexia. Dr Ezari had made that clear in her voice message. But he was also horribly aware that while there were some things that couldn’t be overcome, a whole bunch of misery in his life could have been solved with corrective lenses.

He felt sick.

When Sebastian reached out and squeezed his thigh, Alex looked at him and felt guilty all over again.

The truth was, he’d been hoping to pay Sebastian back for all of this by giving him a blowjob or something. As stupid as it sounded in his head, he thought Sebastian might like it.

The idea of doing that now turned his stomach.

‘You’ve gotta get some sleep, man,’ Sebastian said, taking one look at his face. ‘You’re wiped.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, surprised at how rusty his voice sounded.

But then, he hadn’t been speaking in a while.

*

Alex stared at the hotel in amazement. It wasn’t what he’d been expecting, which was some greasy, gross place in the middle of the city.

They were on the outskirts by a broad park with a huge lake that had an artificial island in the middle, and deciduous trees with their bright green leaves all around, reminding him of the Valley. He got out of the car, took a breath of fresh air, and turned to stare at the hotel itself. The hotel was made of white and light grey stones, with fancy stone decorations everywhere, even little gargoyles. It looked expensive.

Sebastian handed his car keys to the valet and absently gave him a tip, then looked expectantly at Alex, who felt like he’d never seen him before.

Alex desperately wanted to see this whole place with his glasses on, but really didn’t want his headache getting worse.

‘I can’t afford this,’ Alex said, staring at the multi-storeyed building. It couldn’t fit hundreds of guests in shoebox rooms. It was too fancy. There were rosebushes perfectly manicured, Grandma Evelyn would have loved them, and there was a wheelchair ramp, and Alex thought of Grandpa George and wished he was the kind of grandson who could’ve treated them to things like this.

Though he suspected Grandma Evelyn wouldn’t have minded either way. He wished that made it easier, how forgiving she was, but all he could think was that she was the kind of person who deserved nice things even more, with a personality like hers.

‘Come on,’ Sebastian said. ‘You won’t feel any less fucked up standing out here.’

Alex followed him into a place that was more like a manor. It had wooden floors polished up and shining. It had fancy furniture that Alex didn’t know if he was allowed to sit on. Sebastian checked in easily, and Alex realised that he really felt at home in the city as a professional, doing stuff like this.

Their room was on the ground floor, with a double door that opened out to a small, private garden with a fountain.

‘Go lie down,’ Sebastian said, his voice an unmistakable order. Alex did what he said, and groaned softly at how nice the bed was. At home, he was still in the bed he’d had as a teenager, and the mattress was well over twenty-five years old, because it had been in his grandparent’s house since before he was born.

This was amazing. He closed his eyes, his breathing slowed, and he meant to stay up and say something, but between one breath and the next, he fell asleep before he’d even kicked his shoes off, feet still hanging off the bed because it was rude to put shoes on a bed.

*

When he woke, it was still light outside. His shoes had been removed and his legs were on the bed, covered by a throw blanket. Not as much time passed as he thought, and he pushed up to see Sebastian hard at work on his laptop, sitting on an armchair, wearing his own glasses. He looked up when he realised Alex was awake and, while he didn’t smile, his expression seemed soft.

‘How are you doing?’

‘M’fucked,’ Alex said, and then laughed. ‘No, I’m better. Head’s better. I want to wear the glasses so bad.’

‘You should’ve seen your face when you tried them on at the optometry place.’

‘Imagine all the dust I’ll see now,’ Alex joked.

‘I don’t think you miss any when you clean,’ Sebastian said, shrugging.

‘It’s weird to think I should’ve had glasses all this time.’

Sebastian closed the laptop and walked over to the bed, getting on it. He was on top of the blankets, crawling over to Alex’s side because the bed was so fucking big.

‘This place is so fancy,’ Alex added.

‘It’s not as expensive as you think,’ Sebastian said. ‘Probably. Last-minute room deals are good, but also it’s not that central to the actual city. The location knocks its price down.’

‘Yo, seriously?’

‘Super seriously,’ Sebastian said, leaning in and brushing his lips against Alex’s.

Alex felt smoothed out a little, but the idea of doing much more than this made him feel uneasy. But if Sebastian wanted it, and he’d paid for the place…

He steeled himself, but Sebastian surprised him by kissing his forehead.

‘That’s so fucking…’ Alex didn’t know what to say. He’d been about to deride it, but it was nice. It just felt like something for kids. ‘Sorry. I think I’m messed up today. I don’t know if I’m going to be fun to fuck.’

‘It’s getting on my nerves a bit, that you keep thinking that’s why I came,’ Sebastian said, and Alex heard him swallow as he sat back up against the headboard, pushing a pillow behind his back. ‘But maybe you’re just not used to people being there for you when you’re going through something. What about Haley, though?’

‘Well, but Haley never wanted to fuck me,’ Alex said, and laughed as he propped himself up against the headboard.

‘What, so if she did, you would’ve? Just because she was nice to you?’

Alex shrugged. ‘That’s fucked up, isn’t it?’

‘Yes,’ Sebastian said, not even teasing. ‘Yeah, Alex, it is.’

‘I said I’d see Tim.’

‘You’d better,’ Sebastian said, and then sighed. ‘Anyway, I’m not here so we can fuck. That’s nice in theory. Maybe we can come back and do that one day, but I prefer getting at your ass in the comfort of my home. For a start, all your noises won’t upset the other guests.’

Alex’s cheeks burned, and he fussed with the sheets.

‘I guess I don’t really know how relationships work, either,’ Alex added.

‘Yeah, I mean no offence, but I don’t really think you know how most interpersonal connections work. It’s not your fault. Aside from Haley and your grandparents… It’s not just your past, I guess. You’ve kept everyone at arm’s length. Even with my mom, you never defended yourself. You just got out of there.’

‘What if they’re right, though?’ Alex said.

‘About what?’ Sebastian said, frowning at him.

‘I just mean…why defend something that might be true?’

‘About- About them comparing you to your dad?’ Sebastian said, incredulity on his face.

‘I dunno. Maybe.’

‘I know almost nothing about him, and I know you’re nothing like him,’ Sebastian said, eyes still wide.

‘Yeah, but-’

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘I mean, I know I can’t make you change your mind. That’s what therapy’s for or whatever, but no. You literally said last night you wish more people thought of your mom when they looked at you.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Though now I don’t know. Do you think it’s bad that I’m mad at her too? It’s bad, right?’

‘Mad at her? Why?’

‘Just…thinking about how one eye test would’ve put me on a different path, I guess. Maybe I still would’ve gotten into sports, but at least I would’ve felt like I had a choice about it. Like, why didn’t my grandparents do anything about it? Everyone was so fast to just accept that…’

A memory came up in Alex’s mind, distant and foggy, from when he was a child. His mom sitting next to him at the beach during the day, while his dad was at the Saloon, getting drunk. Both of them marinating in the dread that came from not knowing exactly how he’d be when he returned. His mom would talk about the boats they sometimes saw, and how maybe one would come one day, and take them somewhere magical, and Alex would listen to her humming the song from the music box, and he’d try to hum along too.

But there was one conversation that carved a small, humble place in his mind. They were sitting on the cold sand, and Alex’s body was sore, because his dad was upset the day before, and the day before that, and now they were waiting again, because his dad had just been so mad that week.

‘The teachers think I can do better, but I can’t, mommy,’ Alex had said, wondering if that was why his dad got so mad sometimes. ‘I try so hard.’

‘I know, baby,’ his mom had said, reaching an arm around his shoulders and pulling him close. She’d embroidered a letter A on the sweater he wore, and he traced it sometimes. Now, he stared at the sea and hoped his daddy would come back not smelling like the booze he liked. Maybe he’d have a change of heart and not be mad anymore.

In that memory, his mom had been silent for a long time, and when she spoke again, her voice was broken up.

‘Baby, he’s always been angry. You got hurt as a baby a few times, pretty badly. Sometimes when a person gets hurt badly enough as a baby, they’re not very good at some things. It’s not your fault. And you’re so perfect, the most perfect, so it doesn’t matter. But sometimes it’s not about how hard you’re trying, sometimes it’s just how things are.’

Alex blinked and looked around the hotel room, and then laughed, the sound humourless.

‘I think Mom thought I was brain-damaged,’ Alex said, shaking his head.

Sebastian stared at him, an uncertain, uneasy expression on his face, like he didn’t quite understand.

‘From everything Dad did,’ Alex added. ‘When I was real young. You know.’

Sebastian’s mouth opened, closed, then opened again.

‘Was he…? Was he violent when you were a baby?’

Alex shrugged. ‘I don’t know, I don’t remember back that far.’

‘But your mom remembers he was?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I just remembered a conversation where she said that maybe I wasn’t doing well at school because of stuff from when I was really young, from stuff he did. She didn’t say “brain damage,” but looking back, I think that’s what she meant. I guess that’s why she never pushed hard about eye tests or anything. Maybe she didn’t want to know it was true. Or maybe she didn’t want him to know. I don’t know.’

‘Why was he like that?’ Sebastian said, his eyes still wide.

‘Violent?’ Alex said. He liked the word “violent” because it held no details in it. It contained memories, but Alex didn’t have to think about the pain or the anguish or the rage or the terror. He could make it empty. He could shake the memories out. It could mean anything at all.

Sebastian nodded.

‘Who knows,’ Alex said. ‘I think he was bitter, and beyond that, I think he just liked it. I used to think about it all the fucking time, you know, trying to figure him out. Trying to figure out what to do, what to say, what not to say, that kind of thing. I used to try and work out if it was his job, or something he was really sad about, but after he left and then Mom passed away, I guess I realised he just really liked it. He just really liked it, and then he’d feel guilty that he liked it, and then he’d get drunk about that, and then he’d get angry at us, and then…that was just how that went. Over and over.’

Sebastian’s eyes were still wide. It was such an odd expression on his face. Sebastian so often looked calm, in charge, and not shocked or uneasy.

‘Maybe I do have brain damage,’ Alex said, laughing, because fuck, he’d already talked this much. He might as well say more. ‘But I still should’ve had my eyes tested, for fuck’s sake.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, clearing his throat. ‘Yeah, you really should’ve.’

‘You know, I don’t even know why he left us,’ Alex said. ‘You know how that feels? He thought we were dirt, and he still left. He had these two people he could’ve beaten on for the rest of his life, and he still rejected us. He made sure Mom knew it was because she was a worthless sack of shit – his words, I so don’t feel that way – before he left. And then he was gone. And just when we knew what hope felt like, there was the cancer, and she died thinking she was a worthless sack of shit, and it didn’t matter what I did or said. It didn’t matter what anyone did or said.’

Sebastian didn’t reassure him with empty words. He didn’t rush to fill the silence like he could make it okay. Alex felt guilty for talking about any of it.

‘Sorry,’ Alex added. ‘I usually keep this stuff under wraps pretty well.’

‘I wish you wouldn’t,’ Sebastian said, wiping at his eyes like he had tears there, but he didn’t.

‘What?’

‘I wish you’d talk about this shit more,’ Sebastian said. ‘I mean, it’s difficult to hear, but it’s real. You lock it up – like you say, you keep it under wraps – but I don’t think it’s meant to be in a vault.’

‘Doesn’t help anyone to know more about this stuff,’ Alex said.

‘It does,’ Sebastian said. ‘It helps me. Because I want to know more about you, because this is part of your story.’

‘It’s a shitty story,’ Alex said, lifting a cynical eyebrow, wary of his own bitterness and what it might become one day.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘But how the fuck are you meant to make room for hope, when all this stuff is taking up so much room in you?’

‘I…’

Sebastian nodded at him, as Alex didn’t have the comeback he thought he would.

‘I still have hope,’ Alex said finally, and then smirked at how that sounded. It was such a stupid phrase. ‘What I mean is… I mean, I like my job.’ I love you. ‘I like Haley.’ I love you. ‘I’m getting to know Penny and Maru, and they seem really cool.’ I love you. ‘Dr Harvey wants to be friends, which is wild. He’s such a dork, but I guess I am too, just about muscles and shit.’

Alex sighed, smiling a little.

‘What, you don’t like me too?’ Sebastian teased.

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Alex said, smile widening. ‘You can be on the list if you want. You just got me a hotel room or whatever. I guess you belong on the list.’

I love you, he thought, the words stupid, the way they repeated and felt no weaker no matter how many times he thought them.

‘Cool,’ Sebastian said, stretching his legs out in front of him.

Alex rubbed at the soreness in his chest, brought up by talking about all that painful shit. So, Sebastian knew a bit more about him, and didn’t rush to say he definitely had brain damage, or that he was like his dad, or that he deserved what happened to him, and while his worries about Sebastian saying anything like that had been mild, they were there all the same.

Instead, Sebastian had just been good about everything. Amazing, even.

He still felt weighed down and overwhelmed, but yeah, maybe he felt some hope, too.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, A Better View All Round:

"Got to wear my glasses at Harvey’s tonight, Alex sent. He held the phone close to his face and the text size was huge, and now he knew why. Was cool. Still wish I was at yours, though.

When Alex walked into his home, his phone buzzed as he closed the door.

Same, Sebastian sent back. Wish I was railing you instead of doing this code.

A screenshot of impossible-to-interpret code in different colours popped up a moment later, but Alex was too busy staring at nothing to really pay much attention to it.
It took a couple of minutes for him to send back the rather meagre: You talk to your mom with that mouth?

Another long pause, and then Alex’s phone buzzed, and it was a picture of Sebastian’s half-hard dick."

*

Sebastian WOULD. At least, in this fic he would - anyway, I'm on Tumblr, not ready for appointment palooza next week, because it all kicks off again for me, my dog, AND my cat who is currently on steroids so we're calling her Roid Rage.

Chapter 53: A Better View All Round

Notes:

Note: Use of the term fag (and gay) in context of two gay dudes using it as a form of teasing reclamation and not as a form of hatespeech. Also, some mild food judgement from Alex.

(Also me with the chapter title like 'tehehe alex has glasses')

On Saturday, after they returned to Pelican Town, Sebastian gave him the day off from cleaning and Alex was too grateful to refuse. He could only catch a few hours of sleep before seeing Dr Harvey, anyway, and he felt raw and exposed, like he’d shown way too much of himself in a way that made him feel gross.

He worked out for an hour when he got home, because he liked the empty space that focusing on sets and repetitions created in his mind. Staring at a ninety-second timer between meant  he couldn’t get too deep into his bullshit and get really emo about it. If he did more reps than usual, then he was focusing on catching his breath at the end of every set, staring up at the ceiling with weights resting by his side, knees bent to take the pressure off his lower back.

Alex slept deeply for three hours, got up during the evening, showered, and stared in yearning at his glasses. He took one pair and put them in his pocket and walked to Dr Harvey’s.

*

Dr Harvey had made dinner, even though for Alex, it was breakfast. He’d made poached flounder, poached duck eggs, pickles in a bowl, and a bunch of poached vegetables. Dr Harvey set the plates down and looked awkwardly at it all.

‘I know it’s likely not what you prefer, but I’ve always eaten healthily. Well, except for my vices. But-’

‘This is perfect,’ Alex laughed, reaching for his fork and breaking apart the duck egg, staring at the orange yolk happily. ‘There’s protein, eggs, and you haven’t put any horseradish on the plate. This looks amazing!’

‘Does it?’ Dr Harvey said. ‘That’s good!’

‘I got into sports culture so long ago, hey, and a lot of that is about protein for bulking up and muscle growth and eating a lot of whole foods. I try not to get too intense about it these days, because you can really overdo it, but it means I like this stuff. I mean, I could always smash a pizza, but I had a burger yesterday at Zuzu and this is the perfect meal to come back to, seriously.’

‘Ah, then…you’re welcome. I’m very glad to hear it. How was Zuzu?’

‘Uh, so…’ Alex brought the glasses out of his pocket and put them on the table. ‘Need ‘em but can’t wear ‘em all the time yet because of eyestrain. Probably should’ve had them since I was really young. I could not believe how good I could read things when she started changing the lenses. I guess I’m a square now.’

Dr Harvey smiled, though somehow, he made the expression a little reproving. ‘There’s nothing wrong with being a square, Alex.’

Alex looked at Dr Harvey’s dark-rimmed glasses and shrugged in embarrassment.

‘Sebastian wears them too,’ Alex said, and smiled. ‘I don’t mean it seriously.’

‘It can be a big change, all the same,’ Dr Harvey said.

‘I want to wear them right now,’ Alex said. ‘But I have to time it. There are instructions.’

‘And you follow instructions?’ Dr Harvey said, bemused.

‘I mean, I try. You’re not going to get far in weights if you’re doing everything wrong. That’s a fast track to getting injured. And I know what the headaches from reading too much are like, and if that’s what I’m going to get if I wear the glasses for too long, it’d be cool to avoid it. So, uh, yeah. Anyway. How’s things?’

Dr Harvey had this way of looking flustered whenever he was asked something about his life, even if it was a general question. Alex had no idea where it came from. Maybe he was used to people treating him like a doctor first.

Once Dr Harvey started talking, he relaxed and happily mentioned the planes he could listen to on his radio, flying overhead. He talked about his latest model aeroplane, a feisty little number that was going to be painted in bright red. Alex loved the shape of its wings, and Dr Harvey’s words became rushed with excitement, because that was what he loved about it too.

Alex did the dishes, even though Dr Harvey fussed, and as the night continued, he asked if Dr Harvey minded if he tried his glasses to see all the details on the model planes hanging from the ceiling.

‘You can time it, Dr Harvey,’ Alex said.

‘Goodness, Alex, it’s just Harvey.’

‘Yeah, but…’ Alex paused. ‘Aren’t you a doctor all the time?’

‘At times like this, I firmly just want to be your friend,’ Dr H- Harvey said.

‘It’s a hard habit to break,’ Alex said, fidgeting with the glasses. He tried them on, checking the time on his phone first. ‘Here goes.’

Everything was clearer. Not only the model planes – which had more details than Alex had ever noticed – but Harvey’s entire house. Even the grille on the two-way radio had way more detail, the neat lines of the threads that made it.

‘Whoa,’ Alex said, sitting down.

‘What’s it like?’ Harvey asked, tilting his head. ‘Does your head hurt straight away?’

‘Nah,’ Alex said, looking around in slow amazement. ‘Shit. I really thought- I really thought it was normal, how I used to see. This is like- Y’all get to see like this all the time?’

‘Once you’re used to it, you’ll get to see this way all the time too,’ Harvey said, sitting down at the table next to him, smiling gently.

‘Wild,’ Alex murmured.

The timer went off on his phone a few minutes later, and Alex reluctantly took the glasses off his face. He felt a twinge behind both of his eyes, a dull pain in the back of his head. He took a slow breath. It was hard to go back to the blurry strangeness, the sense of lopsidedness in his vision that he noticed now, one eye better than the other.

‘I want to put them back on,’ Alex said, staring at his glasses before putting them back in his pocket. No, he wouldn’t rush. He wanted to get this right.

But his fingers itched. He wanted to see the whole of Pelican Town this way. What would the lights look like during the Feast of the Winter Star? Or the beach? What would Sebastian’s house look like? Or the fireflies? Or the flowers?

‘It might feel like it takes forever to condition yourself to them,’ Harvey said, ‘but once you do, you never have to do it again. You’ll need to get your eyes tested regularly – once a year – in case your prescription changes.’

‘And I’m not supposed to call you Doctor Harvey?’

‘I have it on good authority that I’m the type of person who would say that anyway, even if I wasn’t a medical physician,’ Harvey said, looking abashed. ‘I was always the child who read out the instructions on pill bottles to my parents and then stood right next to them and made sure they took the right dose. A rather charmless behaviour, when you think about it!’

‘It’s sweet you cared about them like that,’ Alex said. ‘Right?’

‘I wonder if I was just trying to see if I could catch them in some rule-breaking,’ Harvey said, and then he laughed. ‘Your way is a much nicer way to think about it!’

‘Tell me about that one,’ Alex said, pointing at a biplane that was blurry again now his glasses were off. ‘It’s way more intricate than I realised, hey. What do all the symbols mean? Do you know?’

‘I certainly do,’ Harvey said, looking up. ‘When you feel you’ve had enough of me going on about it, tell me to stop.’

Alex didn’t, because he was happy to learn, happy to listen, and at the end of their visit – Harvey yawning and Alex feeling energised from the good meal and conversation – Alex waved goodbye and felt something warm in his chest as he walked home.

He pulled out his phone, checking to see if Sebastian had texted him, even though that wasn’t something they really did.

But he was allowed now, right? It was okay. Sebastian said so.

Got to wear my glasses at Harvey’s tonight, Alex sent. He held the phone close to his face to write, and the text size was huge, and now he knew why. Was cool. Still wish I was at yours, though.

Was that too much? Sebastian kept saying they were basically in a relationship, right? He’d said Alex could text more.

Alex walked into his home, and his phone buzzed as he closed the door.

Same, Sebastian sent back. Wish I was railing you instead of doing this code.

A screenshot of impossible-to-interpret code in different colours against a black screen popped up a moment later. Alex was too busy staring at nothing to pay attention, imagining Sebastian fucking him instead.

It took a couple of minutes for him to send back a rather meagre: You talk to your mom with that mouth?

Another long pause, and Alex’s phone buzzed. It was a picture of Sebastian’s half-hard dick, held in the palm of Sebastian’s hand. Alex made an outraged sound in the back of his throat, because the fucking audacity, and he looked down the corridor towards his bedroom and thought about rubbing one out, even though he hadn’t done it in ages. Sebastian had given him permission to think about him, for fuck’s sake. He could.

It wasn’t hot. Dick pics weren’t hot.

They weren’t.

Alex closed his bedroom door and locked it like his grandparents could still walk in, and jacked off quickly, thinking of Sebastian’s hands on him, that dick inside him, and came in a humiliatingly short amount of time.

‘Fuck,’ he muttered to himself, cleaning come off his hand with a tissue from the box by his bed.

When he next looked at his phone, Sebastian had written: Too much?

Alex groaned and slid down the bed, remembering the way Sebastian had fucked him after he’d come, and it was painful, and oversensitive, and exhilarating. What a way to learn he was a masochist for things like that, struggling in Sebastian’s arms, while listening to Sebastian’s breaths, hungry and needy, feeling amazing.

Amazing and like he wanted to scream.

Alex took a photo of the used tissue on his bed, and sent it to Sebastian, because if Sebastian was going to be filthy, he could be too. It wasn’t like Sebastian owned the rights to being a dickhead, after all.

That’s hot, Sebastian sent back.

You’re so FUCKING gay, Alex replied.

Shut up, fag, Sebastian replied. A moment later, while Alex still stared at his phone in shock: I don’t mean it in a mean way, I just realised you might not know we say that sometimes. I won’t say it again if you didn’t like it.

Can I say it too? To you? Alex sent.

Fuck me, you’re unstoppable, Sebastian sent. I’m about to take a smoke break, and by smoke break, I mean I’m going to jerk off.

Gross. That’s gay, Alex sent.

Not as gay as my dick in your ass.

Fag, Alex sent back and then giggled to himself when Sebastian sent the swearing emoji, and then a thumbs up, like a congratulation that Alex was joining in.

Alex felt a rush of weird, warm feelings, rolling on his bed with his phone in his hands, and made a strangled sound when Sebastian sent him a photo five minutes later of his hand covered in come.

If I was there, maybe I’d lick it off, Alex sent. Gotta go, bye.

Sebastian blew up Alex’s phone with texts, and Alex laughed, then showered, because he had to after jerking off like that.

*

On Sunday, Alex woke early, and jerked off again in the shower, feeling like he’d probably awakened something he shouldn’t have by jerking off the day before. But it felt so good, and it wasn’t like he was seeing Sebastian today either.

He made himself eggs for breakfast, then walked down to Willy’s, taking a bucket of cleaning gear and a mop with him because he didn’t know what Willy had at his place. He could trust people like Jodi, Sebastian, and Robin would have everything he needed. But he was pretty sure Willy would not have a full kit of cleaning equipment. He didn’t even know if Willy used a washing machine.

Willy was fishing when he got down to the jetty.

‘Alex! You came! You won’t expect a fisherman to leave the call of the sea, will you?’

‘You can stay out here,’ Alex laughed. Willy looked over the bucket filled with supplies and the mop and nodded.

‘Aye, you might need it,’ Willy said. ‘You don’t have to clean everything, mind, just whatever you can do. If you still want. Can’t imagine a young whippersnapper like you wants to spend his nights cleaning!’

‘You’d be surprised,’ Alex said. ‘You know I feel the same way about fishing, right?’

Willy grinned at him, Alex grinned back, then walked to Willy’s jetty-side home above his fish shop. Alex always thought it was so cool as a kid, a home on the water by the jetty, the shoreline behind it, facing the ships and the sea. Elliott’s home was cool – or it was now that he’d done it up from the shack it used to be – but Willy’s home was amazing.

Alex couldn’t imagine living so close to the sea, waking up and seeing sharks first thing in the morning. No, thank you.

Alex quickly learned the other downside of living on the water was the amount of sand in Willy’s home.

It was everywhere.

The floors were floorboards, and sand was in all the cracks and crevices. The broom Willy used looked like it was four hundred years old, with uneven ends worn down by time.

‘Okay,’ Alex said, staring at what he had to deal with.

It was a humble upstairs living area, with a single bedroom, a bathroom, a kitchen, a washing machine in the kitchen, and a table for only one person, with one seat. The bed was huge and cozy, a four-poster with a patchwork quilt that looked like it was made of different coloured ship sails, and a rope fishing net over the backboard.

A weathered anchor hung on the wall, about half of Alex’s body size, encrusted with old coral and barnacles. Alex walked over, staring in awe.

A small double window opened out to the sea. Under the top of the window frame were small eye screws of mismatched metals and sizes screwed into the wood, and trinkets hung down. A crystal in the shape of a star, a carved wooden pumpkin, what looked like corks from wine bottles, pierced and stacked and hanging like ornaments.

On the table was a tackle box, and half-made tackle everywhere, and against the wall by the bed were several unstrung poles intended for handmade fishing rods.

Alex took a breath, critically looked over the space, then decided he’d start with the floor for the first time, because that sand was going to annoy the fuck out of him otherwise.

*

In the end, it took him an hour longer than he expected, but the floors came up so good that he couldn’t stop himself from focusing on them and the kitchen. He stripped and remade Willy’s bed and mentally bookmarked all the other stuff he could get to next time.

He’d wanted to clean the store too, but he didn’t have the time.

Willy came up the stairs as Alex was putting all his cleaning stuff back in the bucket, his heart pounding. This part was always so nerve-wracking. He wanted people to like his work, but mostly, he wanted people to feel comfortable in their own homes.

Willy stepped in and stopped, mouth dropping open.

‘Look at that!’ he said. ‘Me ol’ Pappy’s never seen it so clean, isn’t that right, now? Didn’t even know you could get the sand out! How’d you do that, then?’

‘Scrubbed it,’ Alex said.

Willy looked at him in amazement.

‘I mean, it wasn’t coming up with the broom or mop, but I have a scrubbing brush and that did fine. I don’t know if driftwood planks are super compatible with clean living, but it looks awesome, so who cares? It’ll be easier to keep clean if you want me back!’

‘You’re pulling my leg, aren’t you? Of course I want you back! Are you sure about the... Now, it seems like just a few fish can’t possibly be enough for all this.’

‘Are you kidding?’ Alex said. ‘Of course it will!’

‘Then you’d best come downstairs so I can show you what you’re going home with. I prepped them and everything, since most people don’t like the guts and stuff.’

Alex followed Willy downstairs and was shocked at a mound of wrapped paper fish on the glass counter of his store.

‘There’s some halibut, two big flounders – best you’ve ever seen, and some red snapper! She’s a beautiful fish, you’ll love it.’

‘This is too much,’ Alex said, staring at it all. He already knew this was worth more than what Robin, Jodi or Sebastian had ever paid him for a cleaning session.

‘Nonsense! This is straight from the sea and only cost me time, just like your cleaning costs you time! It won’t always be catches like this, and sometimes it’ll be more. The sea, ah, she’s fickle like that! So you can take these home, Alex, I want you to.’

Alex couldn’t put the gratitude he felt into words, and Willy’s expression creased with fondness.

‘You did the same for me, lad, and you can make some good feeds with these fish! Going into summer you’ve got your fish salads, grilled fillets with a nice fruity salsa, well, that’s a bit fancy for me, but you’ll figure it out.’

Alex almost wanted to hug him, but they didn’t have that kind of relationship. His hug with Jodi had done something to his brain, and he wanted more. He was looking forward to the next time he got to clean her house.

He collected the fish, but there was too much to carry in his arms, so Willy got him another bucket.

Alex walked home carrying two buckets – mop resting precariously on one, under the handle – and told himself he’d had such a good day he wasn’t missing Sebastian at all. That’d be clingy and weird.

But he was missing Sebastian, and he wished he could grill some fish for him or cook him something. He’d baked him those cookies all that time ago – so embarrassing to think about now – maybe he should have him over for dinner sometime.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, Winds of Change:

"‘I- I told her I was gay,’ Alex said. Sebastian turned to face him fully in the hallway, his eyes wider than normal. ‘I just- I got really tired of her talking about me getting married and having kids and finding a nice girl. I just- I had to say something.’

‘She’s the town gossip,’ Sebastian said flatly. ‘Did you tell her you were with anyone?’

‘No,’ Alex breathed. ‘No, Sebastian, I wouldn’t do that. And it’s not like anyone else has come to me to talk about it.’

‘Does she know about us?’

‘No!’ Alex said, feeling like this was absolutely not what he’d expected from Sebastian coming over."

Chapter 54: Winds of Change

Notes:

Note: Some people have assumed the TTRPG that Sebastian plays with Victoria and David and Sam (and once Abigail) is D&D, which is understandable since it’s all most people have heard of, but it’s not! It’s unique to SDV.

Alex sat on Haley’s bed, as she read all options for his character in Sebastian’s game. Sure, he didn’t have to read a ton during gameplay, but apparently everything else was a lot of reading.

‘So you’re set on the Royalty heritage?’ Haley said, up by her pillows with a pink thrifted notepad in her hand and a pink pen in her fingers. The pen had a fluffy pink top that looked like a fat little bird. ‘If you go in that direction, you can be a King or Queen, Prince or Princess, or Page. You still thinking Princess?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘You know what? We ball, let’s do that.’

‘I know you’ve got muscles, and you’re in the prime of your life or whatever, but you are such a dork. Okay, well, and out of the list of Vocations, which ones sounded best to you?’

Alex couldn’t decide. He rocked backwards and stared up at the gauzy cloth of Haley’s four-poster bed.

If he got a four-poster bed, would Sebastian fuck him in it? That’d be kind of cool.  

He clapped his hands over his face.

‘Fuck me,’ he groaned.

‘You can’t think of one?’ Haley said absently. ‘I think I’m going with Artiste so I can draw spells everywhere. Can you imagine if my character paints spells onto people’s nails? How amazing would that be?’

‘Sebastian took me to this really nice hotel, and we didn’t even fuck,’ Alex said, ‘because I was so emo about the glasses thing. But ever since then, I guess I discovered I really can think about other people while jerking- Actually the Artiste sounds pretty cool,’ Alex said, cheeks flushing as he realised how badly he’d deviated from what they were talking about.

‘Babe,’ Haley said, then laughed. ‘So I knew about the hotel, but should I throw a party of congratulations around you being able to wank again?’

‘I just realised how embarrassing all this shit is and you won’t even let me change the subject,’ Alex groused.

‘Artiste it is!’ Haley said, writing it down. ‘Awesome, so you’re a Princess whatever, and I’m a Mage Artiste, but I’m not going to be a Shadow Shaman because that comes with all these penalties for being in daylight and I want my art to see the sun. So I’m going to be a Dwarf.’

‘What was the puzzle-person vocation again? Riddlesmith? That one.’ Alex said. ‘I bet my princess was breaking out of the castle doing incredible shit with locks. And I’m gonna be a regular person because I’m not ready to be penalised for being in the fucking sun. You’ll make a cool Dwarf, though.’

‘What about a name?’

Alex rolled onto his chest and took a deep breath. He’d thought about this a lot. Now that it came to crunch time, he felt stripped naked because of the name he wanted to use.

‘Maryann,’ he said, voice muted.

After a long pause, Haley reached out and grasped his shoulder. ‘You sure?’

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Mom was basically a princess to me anyway, even if it’s all complicated now. It’s not like I’m going to have kids and call one Maryann. Hopefully she won’t mind.’

‘Wherever she is, I bet she loves the idea of living on through the connections you’re making with friends, being played as a princess. Okay, I’ll write all this down and send it over to Sebastian.’

Haley put down the notepad and picked up her phone.

Alex wriggled into Haley’s blankets. They smelled so good. She used a really nice fabric softener. Or Emily did. Actually, he didn’t know who washed the clothes these days. They were both pretty fussy about treating their clothes well.

‘So!’ Haley said a few minutes later, putting her phone down. ‘I know you said you can only wear them a little, but you’re going to show me your glasses, right? I’ve been dying to see them!’

Alex pushed into a sitting position and pulled his glasses out of his pocket. He felt like the eyestrain was already getting way better when he wore them, but he remembered Dr Ezari’s voice on his phone telling him that’s the way he should feel if he was progressing at the right pace.

‘Damn, they suit you so much,’ Haley said, after Alex put them on. She beamed.

Alex slowly looked around her room, staring at all the nail sets she hung on her wall in a special case. He could see the details so much better now. Not perfectly. The details were tiny, and they were on the wall, but…

He lifted his hand to rub his forehead, then realised he might smudge the lenses and stopped.

‘What do you think?’ Haley said.

‘I wish I could wear them all the time.’

‘Soon you’ll be able to, right? I’m so happy you did this.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. He was relieved the eye test and everything was over, and he didn’t have to do another one soon. Whatever else he had on top of the astigmatism and poor eyesight, it felt easier to deal with now. ‘Hey, do you think I should see Tim?’

‘Absolutely,’ Haley said. ‘Why, do you?’

‘He was cool when I saw him for ten minutes, but maybe that’s because he was trying to be nice. He said it wasn’t a proper session. Maybe we’ll do a proper session and it’ll suck.’

‘Or…?’

‘Do you think I should text Harvey about it? Making the appointment with Tim? Or do you think I should walk over to the clinic during the day and make it in person?’

‘Just text him,’ Haley said with an affectionate exasperation.

It was easier to do things when she treated his nervousness like it was completely unnecessary. He texted Harvey. Only a couple of minutes later, he had an appointment booked in with Tim, which was scary enough that he put his phone on silent and shoved it back in his pocket. He thought about the breakdown he’d had in Zuzu city, and knew he needed to do something, but therapy felt so…

Felt like his dad would have something to say about that.

‘So, what do you imagine Seb doing to you when you wank? What do you do to him?’ Haley said, placing her hands on her knees as she leaned forwards.

‘Nope!’

‘I’m gonna guess!’ Haley said. ‘Unless that’s out of bounds?’

‘It’s not- It’s just- Hales, come on.’

But Haley was merciless, in a way that made Alex laugh.

Right at the end of their visit, Haley leaned out of the doorway as Alex waved goodbye.

‘I went on a date with Sam, by the way.’

‘What?’ Alex said, staring at her.

‘Bye!’ she said. She laughed in mischievous delight.

‘Hales!’

The door closed, he heard more of her laughter, and he rolled his eyes, shook his head, and let her have her own space as she figured out her feelings for Sam. Sam. Fucking hell.

They were going to be the prettiest couple in the whole Valley, that’s for sure.

*

Alex woke on Tuesday afternoon, around 4pm. He’d been experimenting with changing his hours to get more daylight, and he’d enjoyed seeing the sun more. He felt more human, and opening the curtains to the afternoon light pouring in felt amazing. He could open the house and let the afternoon sea-breeze air out the house, leaving it smelling fresh.

His Grandma used to say other places spent a fortune trying to bottle that fresh oceanic scent, but all they had to do was open a window, and that’s how they knew Stardew Valley was blessed by Yoba.

Alex didn’t feel any kind of way about Yoba, but he loved summer. The heat was good for sweating and working out, and it never got as hot as it did in the desert.

Alex’s phone buzzed. He looked at the message, surprised to see it was from Sebastian.

Can I come over around 6 or 7pm?

Alex wondered if everything was all right.

Sure. You good? he sent back.

Yeah, just wanted to come round.

Alex wanted to read into it, but maybe Sebastian was going down to the beach or something like he used to late at night, and Alex’s place was on the way. Alex shrugged, cleaned the house, aired out his grandparent’s room like they were coming back to it, and wondered if there would ever come a day where he stopped doing things like this.

He went for a walk an hour later, found some flowers for the vase in the kitchen, holding them carefully in his hands. He looked up at the blue sky and took a deep breath, filling his lungs with air that felt nice and cool. It wasn’t going to be a hot night.

He took his glasses out of his pocket and put them on, then stilled. The leaves on an oak tree nearby gained new definition he couldn’t recall ever seeing. All his thoughts stopped as he stared at the individual shapes of the leaves, the texture of the bark. He looked down at the flowers in his hand, at all the flowers growing around him in the little fenced area behind Clint’s workshop, and took a slow, steadying breath.

He’d gone from dreading that eye test to regretting not having done it sooner. The anger at his parents grew. He hated once more that it wasn’t just his dad anymore, but that his mom was caught in the crossfire. He was angry at himself for not telling them, but he didn’t know to tell them! He’d thought it was normal!

He took the glasses off ten minutes later, though he wanted to keep them on and forget about them, as weird as they felt on the bridge of his nose, pressing in behind his ears. When he was looking at the world with its details, he didn’t care.

At home, he set up the vase and threw together some cookie dough, letting it rest in the fridge. He meant to cook up some fish, but he was nervous about Sebastian coming over, and didn’t want to make the house smell fishy.

A knock at the door, and Alex bounced up from the couch, opening his mouth to say something stupid. He stopped when he saw Jodi standing in front of him holding a ceramic dish with a lid over it.

‘I made too much!’ she said, her eyebrows knitting together.

Alex stepped back as she walked in, staring at her. It was 6pm, had they just had dinner?

‘Sam put in a special request for lasagne, and Vincent was over at Jas and Marnie’s, and I just didn’t calculate it right, and we have enough for leftovers and to freeze and then some! So I thought maybe you’d want some lasagne? No growing boy can say no to pasta, can they?’

She walked into the kitchen and placed the ceramic dish in the fridge.

‘Oh, look at the flowers!’ she said brightly, noticing the vase. ‘Do you pick those? Of course you do! They look so nice. Oh, they remind me of Evelyn so much.’

She touched her fingers to her chest and smiled. Alex felt bewildered. He hadn’t said a single word to her. He’d answered her questions in his head: Yes, he liked lasagne and if she wasn’t going to eat it, then sure, he would, and he wasn’t really a “growing boy” anymore. He was in his mid-20s. Yes, he picked the flowers.

Jodi turned to him and smiled.

‘I don’t want to take up too much of your time! I just came to drop off the lasagne. Kent wants to watch a show on landscape design tonight. Isn’t that exciting? He mentioned something about growing starfruit! Apparently, he’s going to get a seedling from Pierre’s. For me! I know we have our issues, but he’s such a love, isn’t he? He doesn’t even eat them!’

She clasped her hands together and headed back towards the front door. Alex almost laughed at the way she’d blown into the house like one of those fresh summer breezes, and was now blowing back out again. Damn, she must’ve been intense as a teenager.

She stopped at the front door, once more on the landing where she’d been when she knocked, her eyes bright, a smile at the corners of her mouth.

‘I thought if I gave you a chance to say no, you’d say no,’ she said.

Wait, you did that on purpose? His smile broadened.

‘I like lasagne, ma’am,’ he said, laughing.

She tucked some hair behind her ear and smiled back. ‘I hope you like it! I have it on good authority that I make a mean lasagne. You shouldn’t be allergic to anything! The mushrooms are fresh. Vincent comes back with so many things when he’s out looking at creepy crawlies.’

‘That’s pretty handy,’ Alex said, leaning against the doorway and feeling charmed. Jodi worrying that Alex wouldn’t say yes to some food was sweet. Especially since Alex probably would have asked her if she could just freeze it, especially since he was pretty sure she’d made extra on purpose to bring to him. ‘He still bringing the bugs home?’

‘Not at as much, thank goodness!’ she said. ‘But he’ll bring home spring onions, berries, mushrooms, you name it! The first thing he ever cooked for us was mushrooms and spring onions with garlic on toast. I wasn’t sure at first, but it was so tasty. He doesn’t cook much, and somehow that’s still more than Sam ever cooked.’

Alex laughed.

Outside, a new pair of footsteps approached. Alex knew who it was from the sound alone.

‘Hi, Jodi,’ Sebastian said. ‘Am I interrupting?’

‘No!’ Jodi said. ‘Hi, Sebastian. Are you here to see Alex?’

‘I sure am,’ Sebastian said, coming into view and giving Alex a look that was probably completely normal, but made Alex feral inside.

‘I didn’t realise you spent time together outside of work,’ Jodi said, and smiled. ‘That’s so nice that you’ve become friends after everything.’

‘It is, isn’t it?’ Sebastian said, with a smile that was soft and wry.

‘You know, you’re single aren’t you, Sebastian?’ Jodi said, looking sidelong at Alex.

Fuck, no, don’t do this, Alex thought, his alarm bells jangling. Jodi meant well, he was sure, but he didn’t need someone to fix him up with the person who was already fucking him.

‘Uh, yeah,’ Sebastian said, looking suddenly unsure. And then he looked sidelong at Alex, and there was something in his gaze that Alex couldn’t pick. What did that look mean?

‘And you’re single too, aren’t you, Alex?’ Jodi said, and Alex was sure she thought she was being subtle, but there was nothing subtle about the way she looked between them.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, clearing his throat. ‘Anyway, I should get going.’

He was inside his home, but whatever. Would she take the hint?

‘Yes! Of course! I need to get back, anyway. Kent’s show is going to start any minute now. Well, you both have a good evening! Goodnight!’

She walked off with a wave, and Alex took a huge breath, staring after her.

‘What have you told her?’ Sebastian said under his breath, crowding past Alex as he walked inside.

‘Huh?’

‘What have you told her? She knows something. I can tell she knows something.’

‘What? No. I mean- I haven’t…’

He was shocked at the level of alarm on Sebastian’s face. He felt something unwelcome in his own chest. He knew Sebastian didn’t want Alex telling people outside of their pre-discussed circle about the relationship, but Sebastian was super intense right now.

‘I- I told her I was gay,’ Alex said. Sebastian turned to face him fully in the hallway, eyes wider than normal. ‘I just- I got really tired of her talking about me getting married and having kids and finding a nice girl! I had to say something.’

‘She’s the town gossip,’ Sebastian said flatly. ‘Did you tell her you were with anyone?’

‘No,’ Alex breathed. ‘No, Sebastian, I wouldn’t do that. And it’s not like anyone else has come to me to talk about it.’

‘Does she know about us?’

‘No!’ Alex said, feeling like this was absolutely not what he’d expected from Sebastian coming over.

‘Then why did she just do that?’ Sebastian said, pointing to the door.

‘I don’t know, she mentioned me cleaning at yours and then said you were the only other gay guy in town, and we should get together, the last time I saw her. And I said just because we’re both gay and single doesn’t mean we were going to get together, and she apologised and seemed real sorry about it. I didn’t know she was going to do that.’

Sebastian said nothing.

‘I mean, would she be trying to make those hints if she thought we were together? She wouldn’t, right?’ Alex said quickly.

Sebastian dragged a hand through his hair. He was dressed in more casual clothing, probably because of the heat. He wore a black shirt with a collar, and he still wore black jeans and black shoes, but he was showing more of his muscular arms than usual.

It wasn’t fair that Alex could feel this stressed and upset and still think Sebastian was hot.

‘I cannot handle the idea of her knowing about us, Alex, seriously,’ Sebastian said finally.

Alex had fucked up, but all he’d done was told Jodi he was gay. And that wasn’t against the rules, was it?

His thoughts raced as he took a step back. He knew not talking about the relationship – at least at first – was a condition of what they were doing together, but it’d been a while since he’d thought of Jodi as the town gossip.

She could be a gossip, but he’d just assumed she would protect this because she acted like it was such a big deal. She’d even hugged him.

What if she’d already told everyone?

‘I just…’ Alex said, refusing to make eye contact. ‘I just told her I was gay. I didn’t tell her I was seeing you. I swear.’

What if Jodi was telling other people Alex was gay, and that both Alex and Sebastian were gay and single, and then someone else put it together? What if the town figured it out?

Alex really liked Jodi. He hated thinking about her like this.

Was it stupid not to?

Had he come out to literally the worst fucking person in the town?

‘Shit,’ Sebastian said. ‘Shit. Sorry. That was just the last thing I expected to have to- I didn’t think.’

‘It’s fine,’ Alex said automatically.

‘I overreacted, sorry for jumping down your throat.’

Alex didn’t know what to say, so he changed the subject. ‘What did you want to come over for?’

‘Ah, ha, I wanted to make out,’ Sebastian said, looking around Alex’s house like he’d just made the worst mistake ever. Alex was so desperate to change the subject, and desperate to get his hands on Sebastian, that he seized the opportunity.

‘Sure,’ Alex said, stepping up to Sebastian and sinking down to his knees, putting the container of food down next to him.

‘What?’ Sebastian said, staring down in shock.

Alex would never get tired of Sebastian acting like getting blowjobs from him was like watching a meteor falling onto the planet.

‘Making out sounds like a great idea,’ he said, raising his hands to Sebastian’s jeans, hoping this cleared his head, because he didn’t want to think about the last few minutes ever again.

Notes:

"‘Am I gonna go blind?’ Alex said.

‘No!’ Sebastian said, the laughter vanishing. ‘Shit, Alex, just… Come on.’

Sebastian hitched up his black jeans with one hand - like he’d ever wear shorts in summer - and pulled Alex up with his other hand, and guided him down to the bathroom.

‘You’ve just got to wash it off,’ he said.

‘What, is coming on my face in porn too?’

‘Not your face specifically,’ Sebastian said drily, as he turned on the bathroom light. ‘But yeah.’

‘Fuck off,’ Alex muttered. He turned on the faucet and didn’t care about waiting until he had the right temperature of water, rubbing Sebastian’s come off his face and wincing as he tried to get it out of his eye. It really did sting, and he hissed as his eye ached. ‘If you’ve fucked up my dumbass eyesight any more than it already is…'"

*

Sings the 'they're both bad communicators whoops' song. Anyway, I'm on Tumblr, and about to do some homework for my local Druidry group, and my little dog goes for X-Rays this week. Whee!

Chapter 55: The Game's Afoot

Notes:

Sometimes Alex's choices for not dealing with his problems lead to more problems. 'Oh no my problem for dealing with this problem has led to problems' is the hydra of life honestly.

‘Hey, wait a minute,’ Sebastian said, gripping Alex’s hair tight. Alex paused in the middle of pulling down Sebastian’s underwear. ‘Can you stop using sex to avoid talking about shit for like one second?’

‘No,’ Alex said, and pulled Sebastian’s underwear down further.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, but Alex could literally see Sebastian getting turned on. He was already stiffening in Alex’s other hand.

‘You’ll feel like talking more after, right?’ Alex said.

Last time it freaked him out to see a dick so close to his face, this time he did the completely normal act of pressing his rough cheek against the soft skin, liking the way Sebastian hissed at the sharpness.

It turned out dicks intimidated him a lot less now, though it probably helped that Sebastian’s dick wasn’t fully hard.

Alex didn’t want to think about Sebastian being clearly embarrassed about the town finding out about them.

After all, wasn’t that a huge step down from Millionaire Martingale, the saviour of Stardew Valley? Alex sure felt like a huge fucking step down.

‘Why are you like this?’ Sebastian said, though it seemed like he wasn’t fully committed to stopping Alex, because the hand in his hair didn’t draw him away. Alex took a deep breath and pressed his lips to the side of Sebastian’s dick. One thing he never had to worry about was whether Sebastian was clean. That dude showered at least once a day, and his house was immaculate.

Alex should know.

‘Don’t see you complaining,’ Alex said.

‘I’m literally complai… Ah, fuck it.’

Alex looked up at Sebastian as the head of his dick rested on Alex’s tongue. Sebastian got hard so quickly, Alex wondered if it ached a bit. Alex was definitely harder than he’d been before.

‘What, you’re so desperate to taste me again?’ Sebastian said, his other hand digging firmly into the side of Alex’s scalp. ‘Open your mouth wider. I want to get deeper today.’

Okay, well, now Alex was way harder than before. Damn it. He opened his mouth wide, cheeks burning. Sebastian’s black-green eyes bored into his.

Alex really hoped Jodi wasn’t about to come back and knock on the door because Alex wasn’t sure he’d locked it, and they were in the front foyer-slash-corridor.

‘I guess if you want to use this as a distraction, we better make sure you’re fully distracted, yeah?’ Sebastian said, the hand at the side of Alex’s head sliding around to the back and holding him in place. Sebastian pushed his dick deeper at the same time, making room for himself.

When Sebastian’s dick brushed against the back of Alex’s mouth, heading towards his throat, Alex’s eyes closed. He couldn’t keep watching Sebastian, he had to concentrate. He gagged, and as his upper body jolted, Sebastian’s hands were there, keeping him in place.

‘Practice makes perfect, and all that,’ Sebastian said. ‘You know, I’m not surprised you like giving head so much, since you don’t like talking, and this means you don’t have to.’

Alex glared, only to see the shit-eating smirk Sebastian wore when he knew things were going his way.

‘What?’ Sebastian said. ‘You mad?’

Sebastian eased back, but not enough that Alex could talk. Then he pushed back in, brushing against the same spot, making Alex gag again. A little cant in his hips made it clear he wanted to push deeper and probably would.

Alex thought about bringing up the fact he was still scared he was going to throw up – he never remembered hearing about that being a thing with blowjobs – and decided he was pretty happy being on his knees, and it just wasn’t worth it.

He reached out and palmed Sebastian’s thighs, thought about touching his balls, his belly, but it felt like he should ask, instead of just doing it. Sebastian was comfortable being forward, but Alex didn’t know what he could do, and Sebastian liked being in control.

The blowjob gave Alex something to focus on, instead of thinking about Jodi, and Sebastian’s reaction to her.

Especially when Sebastian pushed deep enough that Alex couldn’t avoid violently gagging, trying to push himself backwards, hard enough that Sebastian took a step forward while keeping hold of Alex’s head.

‘Fuck,’ Sebastian breathed. ‘Hang on, hang on.’

Sebastian finally let Alex move his head back so he could cough and gasp, embarrassed at the amount of spit around his mouth, the tears in his eyes.

‘Is it just me?’ Alex said.

‘What?’

‘Why does no one talk about this part with blowjobs?’

‘I-’ Sebastian frowned down at him as Alex rubbed his hand over his wet lips. ‘So…you said you don’t really watch porn, right?’

Alex shrugged. Why did that matter?

Sebastian’s eyebrows lifted. ‘Remind me so we can watch some. But anyway, it’s hot, Alex. You want to know what it feels like? Imagine jerking yourself off and giving your cock a nice hard squeeze right at the end. Then imagine that with someone struggling to deal with a physical reflex, who looks really good messed up, giving you that pleasure, and imagine you’re maybe a sadist as well.’

‘Freak,’ Alex muttered, clearing his throat a couple of times. It sounded hot. ‘Okay, whatever.’

‘Also, many people don’t bother learning how to deep throat, and some can’t,’ Sebastian said, shrugging one shoulder. ‘And to be fair, I’m not really making you go all the way or anything. If you really wanted to learn, I’d get you in a different position to make it as easy on you as possible. I’m just torturing the back of your throat because it feels good.’

Sebastian’s gaze darkened.

‘You love it, though,’ he said.

Alex rolled his eyes, and that seemed to be the signal for them to keep going, because Alex moved forward and Sebastian’s dick slid back into his mouth, hands cupping around his head once more, keeping it in position.

This time, Sebastian’s fingers scratched lightly and nicely into his scalp, like reward or reassurance. After that, every time Sebastian’s dick squeezed into the back of his throat, and Alex gagged, he thought of Sebastian saying what it felt like and the idea of doing that for someone was filthy and a turn on and it was killing him he enjoyed doing this so much.

After a few more minutes, Sebastian’s movements picked up speed, his breathing became audible. Alex reached up and curled fingers around the base of Sebastian’s dick, experimenting with clenching his fingers tighter as the head of his dick pushed into the back of Alex’s throat as he sucked hard.

Sebastian swore fervently under his breath, hips jerking forward. Sebastian’s cock wedged into the back of his throat, pressing apart far more tender tissues. It hurt more than Alex thought it would. His stomach heaved hard, eyes wide, and Sebastian’s fingers tightened like he didn’t want to let go of Alex’s head.

But Alex needed to get away now. Maybe one day he’d get used to it, but right now he wanted the obstruction out of his throat. He let go of Sebastian’s dick and thumped at his thigh. He pushed backward and Sebastian’s hands shifted so he was holding his own dick, jerking it rapidly and groaning thick and low.

Alex stared, confused, and the first rope of hot come striped over his face, over his eye in a way that felt really bad. He fell backward onto his ass, fingers going to his eye.

‘What the fuck, man?’ Alex said.

Belatedly he realised that move he’d done – grasping Sebastian’s dick at the base and sucking harder – must have set him off, but his eye was fucking stinging. Seconds later, more pulses of Sebastian’s come covered his face, dripping blood-warm down his forehead and cheek.

Sebastian laughed breathlessly, as Alex pushed up and made a rough sound as his shorts chafed painfully against his hard dick.

‘Am I gonna go blind?’ Alex said.

‘No!’ Sebastian said, the laughter vanishing. ‘Shit, Alex, just… Come on.’

Sebastian hitched up his black jeans with one hand – like he’d ever wear shorts in summer – and pulled Alex up with his other hand, guiding him down to the bathroom.

‘You’ve just got to wash it off,’ he said.

‘What, is coming on my face in porn too?’

‘Not your face specifically,’ Sebastian said drily, as he turned on the bathroom light. ‘But yeah.’

‘Fuck off,’ Alex muttered. He turned on the faucet and didn’t care about waiting until he had the right temperature of water, rubbing Sebastian’s come off his face and wincing as he tried to get it out of his eye. It really did sting, and he hissed as his eye began to ache. ‘If you’ve fucked up my dumbass eyesight any more than it already is…’

‘It’s okay,’ Sebastian said, sounding serious, one hand between Alex’s shoulder blades. ‘You just have to flush your eye for like a minute.’

‘It’s like my dick has never been hard in my life,’ Alex muttered. ‘Talk about a boner killer.’

‘It was good for me,’ Sebastian said.

Alex bent over to get his face low to the tap. He elbowed Sebastian in the hip.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘I didn’t know I was going to come that fast, seriously. Who knew you were going to pull a move like that? Come on, Alex, for someone who’s never given head before, you’re amazing.’

Alex spat tap water out of his mouth. He opened his mouth to say something and decided it just wasn’t worth it. Even after all of that, he’d still enjoyed himself, and he didn’t even get to come. What a letdown.

After a couple of minutes he straightened, blinked a few times, and aside from a residual soreness that didn’t feel as sharp as before, his eye seemed fine when he looked at it closely. Reddened, but fine. He dried his face off and stood there with the face towel in his hands, staring at Sebastian, unimpressed.

‘Don’t fucking come on my face again without telling me,’ Alex said. ‘And not in my eyes, for fuck’s sake!’

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said, holding up his hands. ‘I’m sorry, you’re right.’

‘You could’ve aimed somewhere else,’ Alex said.

‘I could have,’ Sebastian said, nodding. ‘Coming took me by surprise, but I… Yeah, I made a choice. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.’

Alex felt faintly mollified and tossed the hand towel into the laundry hamper as he walked back down to the lounge.

‘I liked everything else,’ Alex said, clearing his throat a couple of times.

‘Honestly, I’m just relieved you can actually tell me when you don’t like something.’

Alex frowned, looking back over his shoulder at Sebastian. But Sebastian just shrugged and went to the fireplace, sitting in the armchair, always making his grandparents’ house look way fancier than it was.

If it had been only a few minutes earlier, Alex would have been up for something more, but now he felt strange, thinking back to Jodi’s visit. He realised the food she’d given him was on the floor in the corridor where he’d left it.

He walked away from Sebastian into the hall and picked up the food, and felt a strange frustration when Sebastian followed him into the kitchen.

‘I just have to put away the food she brought,’ he said. ‘It was real nice of her, you know.’

Sebastian said nothing, and Alex stared into his fridge and then closed it.

What if he agreed to be in a relationship with you out of pity?

‘I’m tired,’ Alex said finally, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Maybe you should go.’

He wasn’t tired. Sebastian hadn’t even been at his place for that long, and from the look on Sebastian’s face, he knew he was being kicked out and wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

But Alex couldn’t muster up the strength to guard his softer parts from Sebastian. Not today, anyway. If Sebastian stayed, Alex’s stupid jealousy of Martingale, and the other people Sebastian had been with, would weigh on top of him, and he’d say something stupid.

He’d reassured Sebastian he could handle it, but there was a difference between someone needing breaks, and feeling like he’d fucked up by coming out of the closet to Jodi, because he was someone’s dirty little secret.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said again, his voice lower, quieter. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, and then turned toward the hall. He hesitated, staring down at the floor. He seemed to come to some decision and walked to the front door. ‘Okay. Tomorrow, then.’

Alex watched him as he walked down the path, and Sebastian gave him one last lingering look over his shoulder, then shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and kept walking.

*

On Wednesday, Alex arrived earlier than normal to clean Sebastian’s so he could game with everyone else. Despite Haley’s excitement, and Alex’s initial curiosity, he felt stifled. He wanted to tell Haley about what had happened, wanted to make sure she didn’t hint at the relationship between Sebastian and Alex during the game. But in the end he couldn’t bring himself to message her.

He cleaned with single-minded focus and felt more embarrassed than ever that he’d chosen a princess named after his mom.

When he finished up, Sebastian was making sandwiches and Alex wanted to tell him not to bother, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

‘We should talk,’ Sebastian said, as he handed Alex a plate.

‘Now?’ Alex said.

‘Not now.’ Sebastian grimaced as he sat at the table opposite Alex. ‘I mean- We don’t really have time.’

‘Talk about what?’ Alex said, pretending he was stupid. It came so easily to him, he wanted to laugh.

Sebastian scowled and began to eat. Alex hesitated before doing the same.

‘I can tell I upset you yesterday,’ Sebastian said, when he finished his sandwich. Alex was still halfway through his. ‘The eye thing, I am really sorry.’

Alex bit back the scoff he wanted to make, but something about his expression must have given him away.

‘What is it?’ Sebastian said, forehead furrowing.

‘My eye’s fine,’ Alex said.

Sebastian seemed to do a double take and then leaned back in his chair.

‘So you’re not upset about that?’

‘Nope,’ Alex said, popping the P as he spoke.

‘Then… But you’re still upset. And you won’t tell me why?’ Sebastian said. He stood abruptly, taking his empty plate and glass away. ‘I don’t enjoy being a mind reader, Alex. This is exactly the shit I didn’t want to get stuck with again.’

Alex stared at him in amazement, stung by the words, appetite vanishing. Sebastian’s anger was intimidating. He didn’t yell, he didn’t get violent, but it was stark and uncomfortable to be around.

Sebastian rinsed the plate, the glass, and when he turned around, his chest rose and fell with a huge breath.

‘Why am I the one saying we need to talk, when I don’t even know what we need to talk about?’ Sebastian said, sounding defeated. ‘I did something wrong. I can tell I did something wrong, but you’re not helping me figure out what it is so I can do better. I don’t want to play guessing games, Alex, about stuff like this.’

Ah, shit, no, this was worse than the anger. Because Alex had been mad too and wasn’t saying shit about it. Instead, he’d just kicked Sebastian out. But Alex didn’t know what to do. He didn’t think some things could be fixed. It wasn’t like he could suddenly become as cool as Martingale, and he didn’t need to hear confirmation that he’d never measure up.

Sebastian’s panic over Jodi possibly knowing they were together felt like pollution in his soul. That differed from just needing space.

‘I’m stressed too,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s hard bringing two complete newcomers into an established game, and I want you to get along with everyone, and Sam and Haley are going to flirt and be insufferable, in a really saccharine, cute way, and David and Victoria haven’t seen you since Abigail lost her absolute mind at you, saying the shit that I used to say to you when we were kids. And I don’t know what’s wrong, that meant I had to leave yesterday. If it wasn’t about…’

Sebastian looked aside, then frowned, like he’d figured something out. But he didn’t say what it was, and Alex was sitting there feeling snowed by guilt.

He opened his mouth to say they could talk, but Alex just needed to figure out his thoughts first, when there was a knock at the door.

‘I baked cookies!’ Victoria called through the door. ‘I hope I made enough. They’re ginger and cinnamon. No one’s allergic, right?’

Alex stared at the front door in horror and realised his chance to help with Sebastian’s stress was gone. Sebastian walked to the front door and opened it.

It was time for the game to begin, and Alex hadn’t felt this nervous in ages.  

Notes:

In our next chapter, Safety Under Night Skies:

"‘All right, do you want to tell me how you want things to go today? Or do you want me to be more like a guide and help you figure out how you want this to go?’

‘The second,’ Alex said.

‘That’s really helpful,’ Tim said, as Alex pointed past Elliott’s shack towards the coral reefs. It was nice over there, especially when the moon was out. ‘Therapy can be odd, right? The idea of baring your soul to a stranger who you’re not friends with, or close to, is pretty threatening for a lot of people. Because of that, your safety’s really important, or more importantly, your sense of safety. So how about we spend this session talking about that?’

‘Safety?’ Alex said.

‘Sure. And if anything comes up that makes you uncomfortable, you can tell me, or just stop talking about it. My job isn’t to freak you out, it’s helping you figure stuff out.’
‘Seems like those two things are sometimes the same thing,’ Alex said wryly."

*

I'm on Tumblr! I am also hoping that summer moves on soon because it's been like 5 months now and I'm tired of it, lol.

Chapter 56: Safety Under Night Skies

Notes:

We're back! I took a month off, and in that month break, I had to put down my cat who gave me15 years of constant companionship, and I saw a liver specialist, I might have cancer and need to have a PET scan in the next two weeks ideally (I really didn't think this would be the outcome of my appointment but when you have 8 tumours in your liver and one is 5x5 centimetres apparently it doesn't matter if it could be an adenoma, we have to rule out metastatic paraganglioma first, which sucks. Tbh even the best case scenario in this case sucks, ANYWAY believe it or not in among all the crying and stupid anxiety and stuff, I still managed to somehow have a break, watch some TV, do some cross-stitch, and even not look at world politics every day like it's my job to fix it (just most days), and I've been writing more this month than I have in a long time. Although reading back through this paragraph is wild. I should delete it but no, authors have lives etc.)

But actually who cares about all of that let's get back to Alex and his anxieties, I need my Stardew Valley escapism damn it *bangs fist on the table* We've all been waiting!

‘Okay, these slap,’ Alex said, halfway through one of the ginger cookies. ‘Can I get the recipe from you?’

‘You b-bake?’ Victoria said, and smiled. Her long black hair was glossy and styled prettily today, with crystals in it, like she really was a mage.

‘I mean, if I’ve got a recipe, I can manage. We can swap! I’ll give you my grandma’s choc chip cookie recipe. It’s the best in the town.’

‘That- That would be amazing!’

Sebastian cleared his throat, and Alex looked toward him, but didn’t make eye contact. He’d ended up sitting between Victoria and Haley, opposite Sam and David. Sebastian sat at the head of the table, behind a screen that blocked everyone from seeing what was behind it, except for his face, and there was a map on the table in front of them, with little figurines.

Alex stared at all the dice he’d been gifted. Victoria had gifted him a set made from pink crystal, and Sam gifted Haley a set that shone in bright metallic blue, with cool white swirls. Apparently, it was a tradition. The dice were meant to match their characters.

‘Sorry,’ Victoria whispered to Sebastian, as Alex bit into the cookie to have an excuse not to talk anymore.

‘Let’s do some introductions,’ Sebastian said, and smiled at her.

Everyone introduced themselves and their characters. David was a beefy warrior who didn’t know his figurine was ‘roided up, Sam was an Artiste like Haley, but his subset was using music to bewitch people, and his little plastic figure looked like a cool wizard with sparkly robes. Victoria played a taciturn magician who specialised in strategy and was the leader of the group.

Sebastian didn’t have a character officially at all, because he narrated the story and played many side characters. He even had speakers set up, and atmospheric music played from them, which made it sound like they were in Gus’ tavern.

The soundtrack made Alex uncomfortable, because he hadn’t thought about the fact that there might be in-game drinking. And it was stupid that he was even weird about it, because it wasn’t real. But his brain wouldn’t let it go. He could hear glasses clinking subtly in the background, people talking, a guitar playing, and it was just background music and noise, but it made him think of his dad, the times he was dragged to the Stardrop Saloon, the times his dad forced him to drink because he thought it was funny.

They weren’t going to stay here, though. The game was about adventures, right?

Alex went last. When he announced the name of his princess, Maryann, Sam’s expression changed. Haley reached under the table and grasped two of Alex’s fingers in her hand, squeezing gently.

Sam said nothing, but after a few seconds he just nodded, and gave Alex a sympathetic smile.

Alex thought Sam was okay, actually.

‘All right!’ Sebastian said. He launched into a tale about how the seasoned adventurers were taking some time off, but notice a princess – Alex’s character – who definitely shouldn’t be in a bar, a cloak doing a terrible job of hiding her identity, and a dwarf sitting next to her, painting Maryann’s nails.

‘I want to approach,’ Victoria said. ‘Can I talk to Maryann?’

‘Yeah, you don’t have to roll for that,’ Sebastian said.

Victoria cleared her throat, then seemed to become someone else, a mischievous light entering her dark eyes, a half-smile – almost a smirk – gracing her light brown skin.

‘I’m so sorry to bother you,’ she said to Alex, ‘but you are aware that the company you’re keeping is painting magic onto your nails?’

The stutter completely disappeared, though Victoria had said it was something she mostly had under control the last time they spoke. But it was still such a difference to hear this new voice, see her bold confidence.

‘I would never!’ Haley exclaimed, in character, the faux innocence looking hilarious and reminding Alex of when they were kids, and Haley promised she hadn’t been eating blackberries to her parents, her face and lips covered with blackberry juice. ‘I’m just making these lovely nails prettier!’

‘Okay, okay,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘Haley, roll your D20 dice. That’s the big one with all the facets. Let’s see how much of a good liar you are.’

Alex found himself drawn into the game despite his concerns about the setting, and two hours passed surprisingly fast. By the end, their characters had agreed to work together as a team, to look for a villain who just so happened to be a member of the royal family connected to Alex’s character.

Afterwards, there was a lot of talking. Haley and Victoria were getting along great, and David, Sam and Sebastian argued about the finer points of statistics and numbers, with Victoria sometimes breaking away from her conversation with Haley to correct David or Sebastian over something.

Alex headed into the kitchen, with the excuse that he was taking empty snack plates and glasses in there. To his surprise, Sam followed him, holding the rest of the plates.

‘I do dishes now,’ Sam said, grinning as Alex looked at him. ‘Only took me four hundred years to do the bare minimum.’

‘Same, though,’ Alex said, laughing. ‘If it wasn’t for like…’

If it wasn’t for my grandparents getting sick and needing the help, maybe I’d never have learned.

Yeah, maybe not.

‘I learned, anyway,’ he said.

Sam just nodded and piled plates in the sink. He washed his hands and leaned back against the kitchen counter as everyone talked animatedly in the other room.

‘Haley’s dad is overseas, so I can’t ask him permission to date her. Are you the next best thing?’

‘She’ll smack you if she hears you asking someone else permission to date her, especially some guy,’ Alex said, biting the inside of his lip.

Sam laughed, and nodded, and Alex looked at him sidelong and felt nervous around him. Maybe because Sam had been nice to him, and Alex wasn’t sure he’d done anything to earn it.

‘Is- You’re still in touch with Abigail, right? How’s she doing?’ Alex said.

Sam looked at him in surprise.

‘She’s okay,’ he said. ‘She’s not ready to deal with all of this stuff. We don’t really talk about it. She hangs out with Leah, and she goes deeper into the woods with the farmer.’

Alex nodded. He’d hardly thought about her, mostly relieved to not have to deal with the things she thought about him, said to his face. But he was glad she still had friends.

‘You know,’ Sam said. ‘I had the wildest memory tonight from when we were all really little. We must’ve been like four or five, in that little creche Pam’s sister used to run. I was super sick that day. I can’t remember why, and my mom was away, and I remember your mom coming to pick you up. She realised I was sick and just gave me the biggest hug. Like, just this huge hug.

‘It must’ve been winter, because she was wearing this big fluffy sweater, and a giant scarf with an M embroidered into it, after her name. Remember how she always did that? My mom gives fierce hugs, but your mom just held me so tightly and told me everything was going to be okay. I asked her if I was coming home with you to wait for my mom, and she said no, and I used to think it was because she didn’t want to get sick. But as I got older, I realised it wasn’t that. I realised there was a reason no one went to your place.’

Alex’s hands were still in the sink. He’d forgotten about them. He stared at Sam, speechless, because he didn’t remember any of this at all. But Sam described it all so well. Alex’s mom loved embroidering the first initial of people’s names into the clothing she made for them, whether they were babies or adults. It might not have been winter though, because she often wore full-coverage clothing to hide the bruising.

She gave the best hugs in the whole fucking world.

‘I really like the name you chose for your character,’ Sam said, looking down at the floor. ‘That’s all. What a weird way to say that, huh? But I do.’

Alex nodded after a few seconds went by, forcing himself to move. ‘Uh, thanks.’

‘So you’re playing a princess,’ Sam said, finally looking at him, mercifully saying nothing about Alex’s wet eyes, or how shocked he must have looked.

Alex braced himself anyway, unsure of where this was going. He shrugged.

‘You want to hang out sometime?’ Sam said.

Alex stared at him.

‘We can hang out at Mom’s. She loves you, but like, I could come to yours, or we could go down to the beach. The weather’s great for it right now! Early summer is the best, yeah? Give me your number so I can text you.’

Sam brought his phone out, and Alex automatically shared his number, and watched as Sam typed it into his phone.

‘You sure you’re cool about me and Haley?’ Sam said, after putting his phone back in his pocket.

‘I mean…’ Alex laughed ruefully, finally taking his hands out of the sink and drying them off. ‘One second she’s remembering you as an obnoxious little asshole, and the next she’s talking about how you’re all grown up and cute now.’

Sam’s cheeks flushed, and Alex thought about Sebastian in the other room, and how they used to be, compared to how they were now.

‘She’s a great person,’ Alex added. ‘Just treat her right. Whether it works out or doesn’t, she’s grown enough to know how to handle herself. But she deserves the absolute best.’

‘Yeah,’ Sam said. ‘She speaks pretty highly of you too, you know.’

Alex didn’t know what to say, and Sam reached out and chucked him on the shoulder softly before heading back into the lounge.

Alex closed his eyes. If he believed in ghosts, he’d believe he was really feeling his mom wrapping her arms around him tightly, but he knew it was layered memories coming up from the depths. These were the things he hardly thought about, because they hurt too much. Because Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa George didn’t hug him like this. Because if he thought about all the things he wished he could talk to his mom about, some yawing, screaming thing inside him wasn’t just expressing grief, but a deep-seated rage as well.

Haley didn’t talk to her mom much, because she was overseas, and they weren’t really that close. Alex and Haley both had elements in common as teenagers, except that Haley could – if she really wanted to – call her mom and talk to her on the phone.

If Alex wanted to, he could visit a headstone, and it wasn’t the fucking same.

He stood there, alone in the kitchen, and knew he should stick around and say goodbye to everyone, but he couldn’t stand it. Haley would want to go home with Sam, anyway. They lived next door to each other. Alex didn’t want to be a third wheel.

He didn’t want to be an embarrassment to Sebastian.

He wasn’t fucking royalty, like his character, he was just some dumb-fuck hick, whose mom was dead.

He walked out of the house and closed the door silently behind him, so no one would realise he’d gone home.

*

On Thursday, Alex left all the messages Haley and Sebastian sent him on read, and only opened Victoria’s, which included a recipe for the ginger cookies. He read it wearing his glasses, and though the words were sharper and far more readable than they used to be, he still had to blink a few times because some letters weren’t blurry anymore, but they jumbled in his mind. He thought it was eye strain at first, then realised that yeah, okay, he might have dyslexia too. Whatever the fuck that meant.

Still, it was way easier to read than it used to be. He didn’t even have a headache.

Alex sent her back a photo of the recipe for the choc chip cookies, scrawled in his grandma’s handwriting, the paper crumpled and old. Alex knew it off by heart.

Alex was up to wearing the glasses for around twenty to thirty minutes at a time now, and it was getting harder to take them off when he was supposed to.

He couldn’t stop thinking about all the things Sebastian said to him, and how Alex knew he was unfair by not letting them talk about this stuff. He just wanted to put off how bad things would get once Alex revealed how dumb and insecure he really was.

*

On Friday, Alex sat in Tim’s impromptu office, which was just a room in Harvey’s clinic, and looked around twitchily, fingers scraping into his bare knees.

‘Weather’s nice this evening,’ Tim said slowly. ‘You want to do this while going for a walk?’

‘What?’

‘Therapy can happen outside, too. Normally it’s all about the feel of the office space, but obviously when I travel around like this, I can’t create the feel I’m looking for. What do you say? Maybe you don’t like the outdoors.’

‘No, I just- I didn’t know that was an option,’ Alex said.

‘Come on then, do you know any good spots?’

‘Uh. Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘If you don’t mind- You don’t mind the beach?’

‘One reason I have Pelican Town on my rotation is specifically because of the beach,’ Tim said, laughing. He stood and stretched. ‘Let’s go. The night’s not getting any younger.’

They walked through the town, and Alex looked over at the Stardrop Saloon, lights glowing through the windows, music playing, and shoved his hands in his pockets. When he looked over, he startled to see Tim watching him, and he looked away quickly.

‘Let’s see if I remember this right,’ Tim said, ‘and you can correct me if I’m wrong. But last time we saw each other, you said you wanted to fall out of love with someone, and you didn’t want the things other people said to you, to get to you as much. Do you think those things are still goals?’

Alex’s shoulders tensed. How did Tim remember things like that? He rubbed his forehead and looked around, even though he knew no one was listening.

‘Uh. The second one, yeah,’ he said. ‘The first one, well, I’m kind of in a relationship with the guy. I dunno if gay people bother you or anything…’

‘I’d be terrible at my job if they did,’ Tim said laconically. ‘No, that’s not a problem at all, Alex. And how did you go with the cleaning situation and that guy that was getting you down?’

They were crossing the bridge now, and Alex wanted to run his hand along the stone fence, but birds shit on it, and it wasn’t a good idea to do it in the dark.

‘I ended up quitting that job,’ Alex said finally. ‘I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I just got so stressed going there. It was- It wasn’t just the things he said.’

‘Why do you say you don’t know if quitting was the right thing to do or not?’

‘Maybe…’ Alex looked tentatively at Tim. ‘Maybe you think I should’ve stayed? And not let Demetrius’ words affect me? I should’ve been stronger?’

Tim nodded slowly and seemed thoughtful. ‘Do you feel better about quitting?’

‘I mean, I’m less stressed about it,’ Alex said. ‘So, I guess.’

‘Did you end up getting the eye test?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Um. My eyes are- I need glasses. Apparently, I should’ve always had them. At least from being a kid. But words are still weird sometimes, so maybe I have that dyslexia thing too.’

‘We can test for that in a future session if you like,’ Tim said. ‘Do you mind if I ask you some more questions?’

‘Shoot,’ Alex said.

Tim paused once they reached the sand. He bent down and took his loafers and socks off, sighing as his toes touched the sand. A beat later, Alex did the same thing with his trainers, taking a deep breath of fresh, salty air. The beach in summer was great, even at night. Even if he could see Martingale in the distance, on the other side of the beach, his horse bored as the farmer picked up all the shells in that section. Yoba almighty, another day of Martingale doing weird shit, and no one caring anymore.

‘All right, do you want to tell me how you want things to go today? Or do you want me to be more like a guide and help you figure out how you want this to go?’

‘The second,’ Alex said.

‘That’s really helpful,’ Tim said, as Alex pointed past Elliott’s shack towards the coral reefs. It was nice over there, especially when the moon was out. ‘Therapy can be odd, right? The idea of baring your soul to a stranger who you’re not friends with, or close to, is pretty threatening for a lot of people. Because of that, your safety’s really important, or more importantly, your sense of safety. So how about we spend this session talking about that?’

‘Safety?’ Alex said.

‘Sure. And if anything comes up that makes you uncomfortable, you can tell me, or just stop talking about it. My job isn’t to freak you out, it’s helping you figure stuff out.’

‘Seems like those two things are sometimes the same thing,’ Alex said wryly.

Tim laughed like he was surprised. ‘That’s true! Well, as much as possible, safety’s important. So first question, it’s pretty open-ended, so take it where you like, but do you think you feel safe often? And what does that look like to you?’

Alex lifted his eyebrows as he bent down and picked up a cowrie shell, turning it in his fingers. Haley liked them, and he’d give it to her later.

‘I don’t think I know much about safety,’ Alex said, after they’d walked about another ten steps. ‘It sounds nice, and all, but you can get a lot done without it. I guess I can feel sort of safe around my friend, Haley. Sometimes when I’m cleaning.’

‘That’s great that you have a job which helps you feel some safety,’ Tim said, sounding like he meant it.

‘I’m safe all the time, technically,’ Alex said, shrugging. ‘Like, I have a roof over my head. I can eat and I could pay for the eye test. There’s nothing to complain about.’

‘Have you ever had to worry about a roof over your head? Or food?’

Alex looked sidelong at Tim again, but Tim was looking out as they crossed the smaller wooden bridge to the coral reefs.

‘I haven’t ever been homeless,’ Alex said, swallowing. ‘But…’

But my dad would’ve kicked me out if he’d ever known I was gay.

‘Food was hard after my grandparents died,’ Alex said. ‘I wasn’t making much, so I was, uh, skipping some meals, and not eating the way I used to. And when I was growing up, my dad hunted, because we wouldn’t get to eat meat much otherwise, except at community events, or my grandparents’.’

‘That must have meant you weren’t often eating meat,’ Tim said, looking back at Alex now, and Alex just shrugged.

‘We have a guy who doesn’t have a home, aside from his tent. Linus. He seems pretty happy. He doesn’t seem to feel unsafe.’

‘Everyone needs different things to feel safe,’ Tim said. ‘It sounds like you’ve had some pretty profound reasons to feel like safety wasn’t always available to you. If you mention food and shelter now, that means you know what it’s like to not be able to rely on those things.’

Alex laughed nervously. ‘My life was normal. I’m just a drag.’

‘Sure! But what would it mean if your life wasn’t normal?’

Alex looked at Tim again. They headed towards the jetty that hardly anyone went to, except Willy sometimes, and Leah. Alex liked it there now he was older. He felt like he was on the edge of the world at night, when he couldn’t see Willy’s shack behind him, and it was just the sound of the surf and the wind.

‘What about a different question?’ Tim said, when Alex didn’t answer. ‘Is there anything I could do in these sessions to help you feel safer?’

Alex shook his head. ‘It’s not your fault. It’s just how I am.’

‘So we can add “discerning” to one of your strengths,’ Tim said, sounding surprisingly okay with what Alex said. ‘You’re someone who likes to get a read on a situation. This makes sense, given we know you’re also observant and a listener.’

Alex’s smile was bitter. ‘That’s hilarious.’

‘What is?’ Tim said, looking at him as they reached the large bench Farmer Martingale had built there for his own purposes that replaced the rickety bench that used to be there, and just happened to benefit the rest of the town too. Some seagulls watched them sleepily as Alex and Tim sat down. Waves sometimes slapped lazily against the large wooden posts keeping the jetty up.

‘I don’t know what discerning means,’ Alex said. ‘You should probably just assume that if it’s got over two syllables, I’m too dumb to know what the word means.’

Tim gazed out into the evening, and then looked over at Alex, head tilting. ‘You’re awfully hard on yourself.’

‘It’s just true,’ Alex said. ‘It’s not being “hard on myself” if it’s true.’

‘Not knowing what a word means says nothing about how smart you are,’ Tim said. Alex scowled at nothing. ‘Discerning means you’re someone who likes to get a read on someone before you come to any conclusions. It might mean that you withhold trust or openness until you feel like they’ve earned it. Think of it as being picky, but in a good way. If there was a spread of antiques in an antique shop, a discerning person could pick out the best ones.’

‘Oh,’ Alex said. ‘Cool, I guess.’

‘Yeah, I think you’re pretty cool,’ Tim said, and smiled at him, before looking at the sea again.

‘Well, you don’t know me yet.’

‘You’re a tougher sell today than you were last time. Does anyone else think you’re pretty cool? What about this person you mentioned? Haley?’

Alex leaned against the wooden back of the bench and sighed. ‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘And what about this guy you’re in love with? That you’re in a relationship with?’

‘Who fucking knows?’ Alex said, then bit his tongue in horror. ‘Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean to swear.’

‘I have no problems with cuss words,’ Tim said. ‘People being honest about their emotions seems like a good time to cuss, sometimes, doesn’t it? So you don’t know if this guy thinks you’re cool?’

‘He’s mad at me because I won’t talk to him. He’s been mad at me for not talking to him from the beginning. I mean, he’s most of the reason I’m even seeing you, because he keeps telling me I need to see a therapist.’

‘I don’t want you to force yourself,’ Tim said quietly. ‘You should never feel pushed into it. And a partner should never force you into it. Therapy’s not for everyone, you know.’

‘He’s not forcing me,’ Alex said. ‘It’s just- I don’t know.’

Alex looked up at the stars. Here, the stars flooded the skies, and Alex took his glasses out of his pocket without thinking and put them on, and felt something indescribable come over him when he saw hundreds more stars than he’d ever realised were up there, in the night sky.

‘They’re so pretty,’ he said.

‘They really are,’ Tim said, following his gaze.

‘So…I just talk to you about stuff?’

‘If you want.’

‘Can I tell you about the eye test appointment and stuff?’

‘Sure thing. That sounds great. It sounds like it was a pretty big deal.’

Alex stared up at the stars, and didn’t care about the way the glasses felt on his face, on the bridge of his nose, when the trade-off was looking up at a galaxy, and seeing pinpricks of light up there in the dark, way more than just the brightest ones he was used to seeing.

It was easier now to talk about the things he felt were impossible to talk about. His mom, and his relationship to her, and how he wished she’d somehow secretly made him an appointment to get his eyes checked, just like she could keep all the bruises and the reality of their lives secret.

And Tim listened, and at one point wiped at his cheeks, which shocked Alex, because he didn’t feel that emotional at all.

But he’d cried all over Sebastian about it, and now he just wanted to see if a therapist thought he was crazy for being so cut up about it all.

Tim didn’t think that at all, and Alex eventually took his glasses off and closed his eyes, and talked, and Tim let the session go ten minutes past how long it was supposed to be, and wouldn’t even let Alex pay extra for it.

As Alex walked home at the end of the night, he decided therapy was maybe okay, even if it didn’t seem to be about teaching him how to be a regular, normal guy, so much as a guy who felt safer inside himself instead.

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'End a Fight with Flowers':

"‘I…’ Alex didn’t feel like he had much of a leg to stand on anymore, with how close Sebastian was, how gentle the touch was. He flinched again when Sebastian’s forehead touched his. It wasn’t Sebastian’s fault, he just kept expecting something really awful.

‘It’s really hard for you to just say you’re mad at me, isn’t it? It’s funny, because you were so angry at me when we were younger, and I guess until not that long ago. You can just be mad at me.’

‘You had your reasons,’ Alex said. ‘For all of it.’

‘You can be mad at me, even when I have my reasons.’

‘I can’t be like my dad,’ Alex said, his voice breaking. ‘I can’t be mad all the time, for no reason.’

Alex tensed as Sebastian slowly, carefully brought him even closer into an embrace. Sebastian’s arms were tight around him, and Alex wasn’t sure how he’d gone from feeling scared and intimidated to feeling like he was going to cry all over the place. He kept a lock on it, but his breathing still shook.

‘You’re not like your dad,’ Sebastian said. ‘Just be mad at me. Tell me you’re mad.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, though for how much longer after the recent round of Tumblr staff layoffs, who knows! Still, it's one of the social media places left on the web where my feed is always in chronological order, thank fuck.

Chapter 57: End a Fight with Flowers

Notes:

Y'all don't even know how much I've been wanting to put this chapter up, this is such a much needed conversation for Sebastian and Alex, and definitely won't be the last!

Alex walked to Sebastian’s on Sunday, and it felt weird going there to clean after everything that had happened. He knew they needed to talk. He didn’t want to talk. After his session with Tim, he knew it was connected to not always feeling safe around Sebastian. Or not feeling that safe around people.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew where that came from. But he couldn’t magically wave a wand and make it go away. Even the wizard didn’t have shit to help with that, and rumours were the witch could only make children turn into doves and make people forget stuff.

Alex couldn’t forget his dad without also forgetting a lot about his mom, and that was a non-starter.

He paused on the deck of Sebastian’s house, looked around and wished the nerves got better with time.

They were worse today.

He opened the door, half-expected Sebastian to not even be there. He thought Sebastian might be in the caves, escaping him too, not wanting to speak to him.

But Sebastian looked over from his screen, his expression not breaking into the smile Alex had gotten used to. Not even the small one.

‘Hey,’ Alex said.

‘Hey.’

‘I’ll, uh, get started.’

‘Sure. Can we- Can we talk later? You didn’t reply to any of my texts. I don’t even know if you read them.’

Alex hadn’t. He’d been too scared. Even after his session with Tim, he’d been too scared.

‘Sorry,’ Alex managed. ‘Should I…?’ He pointed down the corridor to where the cleaning supplies were.

Sebastian stared at him for a long time, his expression sharp, and then he sighed and looked away.

‘Sure.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said.

He walked down the corridor; ears alert for the sound of Sebastian typing. But Sebastian didn’t start typing again until Alex fetched the cleaning supplies, walked down the corridor, and stripped Sebastian’s bed.

Alex felt sick, fingers knuckling into the duvet, eyes closing. He hated how it could go from so good between them to this, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how stressed Sebastian had seemed when he’d talked about it.

He kept trying to think of ways he could apologise, but all he could think of was Tim asking him what it would mean if his childhood wasn’t normal, about the idea of safety, and it all felt heavy inside him. He was tired, he realised.

He was fucking tired.

*

Afterwards, he packed everything up and walked down the corridor and saw the sandwiches on their plates on the kitchen counter, like nothing had changed. He looked helplessly at Sebastian, who leaned against the counter and watched him.

‘We have to talk now, don’t we?’ Alex said.

‘Yoba’s tits, Alex, you look like I’m about to march you to a guillotine.’

Alex didn’t know what that was, but he figured it wasn’t great. He followed Sebastian over to the table, eyes darting to the fancy sword hanging on the wall, Sebastian’s boots by the front door.

Was this part supposed to be easy? Did other people find it easy?

‘You left without saying goodbye,’ Sebastian said, sipping his coffee. ‘Did something happen? Sam felt bad.’

‘Uh. Just. He did nothing wrong. Sam talked to me about the name choice of my character, and talked about Mom, and asked if I had any problems with him dating Haley. I said I’m really not the person to ask. I just couldn’t- With everyone…I just couldn’t.’

Sebastian seemed thoughtful, and all Alex could think of was Sebastian panicking at him about Jodi, and saying he couldn’t deal with it, and Alex feeling like a piece of litter Sebastian found on the beach. He didn’t think Sebastian felt that bad about him, really, because he didn’t act like it most of the time, but it’d fucking sucked.

And now Sebastian wanted to know about it, and Alex hated talking about this shit so much. He didn’t want to fight.

Tim would probably tell him to start there.

It still made him feel sick.

‘I don’t like fighting,’ Alex said finally, putting the sandwich down. He’d hardly eaten anything. He wasn’t hungry.

‘I know,’ Sebastian said. ‘Seems like you have good reasons to not like it. But does that mean we can’t talk?’

‘You’re mad at me,’ Alex said. ‘So even if we- Even if there’s no yelling…’

Alex didn’t know what he was trying to say.

‘I saw Tim yesterday,’ Alex said, changing tack. ‘He talked to me a lot about safety, which was weird. I realised I don’t feel safe most of the time, or even know what it’s like.’

‘Even with me?’ Sebastian said.

‘I’m sorry. I know it’s some dumb freak shit.’

‘No, it’s-’ Sebastian looked at Alex’s plate and frowned. ‘You want to go for a walk and talk about this stuff outside instead?’

The fireflies would be out. Alex took a slow breath and knew he couldn’t force himself to finish the sandwich, and Sebastian came to a decision and was already picking up Alex’s plate, wrapping it in foil and putting it in the fridge.

Alex followed Sebastian outside, and put on his glasses. He was wearing them for longer stretches now and he liked how it looked outside the most. The fireflies were clearer, though their glow didn’t spread into the big fuzzy haze it used to.

They angled down towards the community centre, then headed across the river’s bridge. Alex chose the path because he knew what he wanted to show Sebastian, even as he was scared of the future, and what it would bring.

‘I know I’m meant to talk to you about all of it,’ Alex said finally. ‘But I’m- It feels like none of this will end well. What if I’m honest, and then this is over? What if I say something wrong, and this is over? Or what if you realise I’m a waste of your time, and this is over? Feels like it’s just rushing towards the inevitable. I’m a bad talker. You’ve known that since the beginning. You told me you didn’t want anything to do with me because of it.’

Sebastian took a huge breath, sighed it out explosively. ‘The thing is, sure, you have your problems. I have them too. But when I fuck up – when, Alex, not if – I’m going to need you to tell me, instead of just…running away. Maybe you can’t tell me on the day, then sure, whatever, but I still need you to tell me.’

‘You’re the one who was angry with me,’ Alex accused.

‘You’re the one who kicked me out of your home!’ Sebastian’s voice was indignant. ‘I apologised for the- For… Well, for hurting your eye like that. I said I wouldn’t do it again. I can’t magically reach into your brain and know what’s going on, Alex. And if it’s about what happened earlier with Jodi, then you need to tell me. I know I overreacted. I literally said we should talk. I said we should right then. You were the one who got on your knees.’

Alex looked down, hands in his pockets, feeling sick.

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said. He cleared his throat. ‘Shit. Sorry. It’s been- You just- It’s not just that you won’t talk about this stuff, you literally just bailed last night, you haven’t looked at my texts.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

‘Tell me anything.’

Alex looked over at him and hated that he couldn’t just know all the right words to say. It seemed like everyone else always knew what to say.

They reached the fallow field and Alex pointed at all the fireflies that gathered in the young wheat. There were so many more here than anywhere else. They loved these spaces, and they looked so pretty.

‘Oh,’ Sebastian said, his tone lightening, leaning into the fence that kept them out of the field. ‘There’s so many.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. He rested his arms on the fence. ‘You never told me I couldn’t tell people I was gay. And before you say something about Jodi, she’s always been real good to me. No one has come to me about me being gay since I’ve told her. No one. I’ve been to Pierre’s, I’ve seen Caroline and Marnie there. I think they would’ve at least looked at me funny if they knew.’

Alex rubbed his fingers along the wood, checking to see if he’d get splinters. It was worn smooth with time.

‘She’s nice to me,’ Alex said finally.

‘Mom knows so much about the town because of Jodi, because of all the shit Jodi says.’ Sebastian’s forehead dropped to the fence. ‘But, I don’t know. She’s always been nice enough to me. It’s just- I wasn’t prepared to have someone acting like you and I should be together.’

‘Yeah. Because I’m disgusting, right?’

‘What?’ Sebastian said, looking at him, eyes wide.

‘Because I’m just…’ Alex couldn’t finish. He looked at the fireflies.

Sebastian said nothing for ages, which felt like shock, even though Alex worried it was because Sebastian was caught out and didn’t know what to say while sounding nice about it.

‘I’m going to explain what I was thinking,’ Sebastian said. ‘I don’t like the small-town mentality where everyone makes everything their business. Sometimes that’s nice, or whatever, but after everything with Wentworth, I know the town’s going to get really fucking weird about me dating someone else. Anyone else. Not just you. And the idea of people coming up to me and asking me about it makes me want to scream.’

‘Okay.’

‘I had a sudden vision of Jodi telling everyone everything, even though she couldn’t know everything, and having no control over my privacy anymore. It’s not realistic. It’s not even rational. I flipped out. Wentworth made our private life public when he went to the witch to kill our relationship. Because suddenly I was back home, and Demetrius is telling me witchcraft doesn’t actually exist, and magic is just science-by-another-name, and Mom’s all sad but somehow not surprised, like I’m the reason it inevitably ended, and Maru keeps wanting to know what he did.’

Sebastian held out a cupped hand, and a firefly flew onto his palm, lighting it up in yellow-green neon. The pretty slow pulses made it look like Sebastian knew how to do magic.

Alex stared at the light in Sebastian’s palm. Well, he probably did know how to use magic.

Sebastian’s breathing shook. Alex bit his top lip, because out of everything he expected, he didn’t expect Sebastian to open up like this.

‘It’s so annoying,’ Sebastian said. ‘But I want this to just belong to us and a few other people for a little while. The town’s going to be weird about you being gay. At least some of them. They’re going to be weird about us being together because of high school. They’re going to be waiting for it to fail, because of me and Wentworth. It’s none of their fucking business.’

Alex swallowed and didn’t know what to do with the intensity of Sebastian’s emotions. He should probably comfort him, but he didn’t know how. Sebastian didn’t look like he wanted to be touched, like he wanted to hear nice words.

‘Do you want the town to know about us?’ Sebastian asked, his voice strained.

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t even know if this is real.’

‘Right,’ Sebastian said, sounding awful. ‘Right. Shit.’

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s not that. It’s just- So you kicked me out because you thought I found you disgusting?’

Alex closed his eyes. ‘I just- I couldn’t- I couldn’t pretend- I know I can’t ever measure up to Martingale, who has like, everything. Who can do everything.’

‘Except keep me around,’ Sebastian muttered. ‘Not that I’d go back, but whatever.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,’ Sebastian said. ‘You were saying?’

Alex didn’t want to talk about any of this. He wanted to run. His fingers dug into the fence. He wished it would give him splinters under his nails so he’d have something else to focus on, something less painful than this conversation.

‘You’re the one who gets to be upset,’ Alex said finally. ‘It was- I should’ve told you about Jodi, and coming out.’

‘Uh, no, that’s not what should’ve happened. You get to come out to whoever you want.’

Then why did you fucking act like that?

But he knew why. Sebastian had explained why. He’d apologised, and explained, and said he’d fucked up.

‘Are you with me out of pity?’ Alex said.

‘What?’ Sebastian said, turning to him. ‘What? Pity?’

‘Yeah, like, there’s this guy you get to have sex with, you probably think it’s pretty mid, but he puts out and he’s in town and he’s fucking dumb and shit, and doesn’t know he needs glasses, and he-’

Alex flinched when Sebastian reached out and cupped his face with both hands – the firefly on Sebastian’s palm sailing off into the night – staring at him up close. But it didn’t hurt. It wasn’t even close to hurting; the touch was so tender.

‘You think this is pity?’

‘I…’ Alex didn’t feel like he had much of a leg to stand on anymore, with how close Sebastian was, how gentle the touch was. He flinched again when Sebastian’s forehead touched his. It wasn’t Sebastian’s fault, he just kept expecting something really awful.

‘It’s really hard for you to just say you’re mad at me, isn’t it? It’s funny, because you were so angry at me when we were younger, and I guess until not that long ago. You can just be mad at me.’

‘You had your reasons,’ Alex said. ‘For all of it.’

‘You can be mad at me, even when I have my reasons.’

‘I can’t be like my dad,’ Alex said, his voice breaking. ‘I can’t be mad all the time, for no reason.’

Alex tensed as Sebastian slowly, carefully brought him even closer into an embrace. Sebastian’s arms were tight around him, and Alex wasn’t sure how he’d gone from feeling scared and intimidated to feeling like he was going to cry all over the place. He kept a lock on it, but his breathing still shook.

‘You’re not like your dad,’ Sebastian said. ‘Just be mad at me. Tell me you’re mad.’

‘It changes nothing. It makes nothing better.’

‘Just tell me.’

Alex thought of Sebastian telling Maru it was okay to yell at him for being a bad brother. He thought of the way Sebastian made that seem like a caring thing, and not something terrifying, not something that would ruin their relationship.

‘I don’t want to be mad at you.’

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said, his voice hushed. ‘So, have you been avoiding me because you’re mad at me?’

Alex’s eyes screwed shut. He nodded tightly. Yeah. Fear was so much easier than anger, than thinking he was going to become his father.

‘You made me feel like shit,’ Alex said. ‘But then I thought that’s just how I’m supposed to feel, anyway. And I know it’s not your fault. That you have a lot of stuff from your previous- From Martingale. And Martingale’s amazing. Probably you’d still be with him if he hadn’t done what he’d done.’

‘I wouldn’t be happy,’ Sebastian said.

‘You’re not happy now.’

‘Okay, the last few days have sucked, sure,’ Sebastian said drily. Alex’s laugh was weak, humourless, and Sebastian wasn’t letting him go.

They were just standing there, hugging outside some random field.

‘I can talk to Jodi,’ Alex said. ‘Make sure she doesn’t tell anyone.’

‘You’re gonna keep trying to fix it by making it better for me, but you got really upset, too. We can try to make it better for you.’

‘Yeah, no.’

‘I’m sorry about flipping out about Jodi and shutting you down completely. Coming out is hard for you, I’m sure. I just saw my own fear; I didn’t have room for yours that night. You never answered my question. Do you want the town to know about us?’

‘Is there an “us” to even know about?’

‘Yeah, there is.’

‘You’ve been saying this is a bad idea since the beginning,’ Alex said. ‘You’ve been saying I’m too fucking stupid to know how to talk about shit properly. It’s clear I’m never going to be at your level.’

‘So I’m a dickhead,’ Sebastian said, not like it was a good thing, but like he regretted it.

‘You went through something big.’

‘You’ve been through big stuff too!’ Sebastian said, pushing Alex back and gripping him by the shoulders. ‘My biggest shit that I’ve been through is that my dad left, and my stepdad plays favourites, and my husband divorced me. That’s not nothing, but I’m literally standing in front of someone who got beat on as a baby. Who believes he’s like the literal incarnation of garbage, because you weren’t loved enough, because your dad’s a literal piece of shit. That’s not nothing either.’

Alex stared at him, and Sebastian stared back, looked at the fireflies, and made a strangled sound of frustration.

‘I have something to give you back home. Can we go back first before you go home today?’

‘Okay.’

‘Okay,’ Sebastian echoed. ‘Come on.’

They walked back, and Sebastian kept looking at him, but Alex felt like he’d said enough, and he was still reeling at having to admit he was mad at Sebastian. He didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be mad at people. The only reason Sebastian got an exemption for such a long time was that Sebastian cut at him too, so it seemed equal for a long time. Even then, Alex still worried he was becoming his father.

When they returned to Sebastian’s, Sebastian went straight to the roleplaying table and picked up a big box Alex noticed while cleaning but left alone. Sebastian got deliveries all the time.

Sebastian opened it and pressed his lips together, staring at what was inside, then looking at Alex.

‘It’s your birthday today.’

Alex stared at nothing for a moment. Whoops. Yeah, he’d stopped celebrating. But he’d missed the Luau this week, which meant it was his birthday week. Haley had gotten upset when Alex stopped wanting to acknowledge it. She usually messaged him the day after.

‘I get the impression you don’t do much to celebrate,’ Sebastian said with a wry smile, then lifted out a bouquet already in a vase, the vase itself wrapped in orange tissue paper with a big golden ribbon around it, tied in a slightly uneven bow.

Alex’s heart beat so much harder, he had to lock his knees. A bouquet.

Everyone in the town knew what that meant.

‘Wentworth gave one to me once,’ Sebastian said, cradling the vase in careful hands. ‘He bought it from Pierre’s because despite all the flowers he picked and sold and grew on his farm, he couldn’t be bothered to make me one. And I remember that kind of annoyed me.’

Sebastian shifted from foot to foot.

‘So I made one for you. I tried to pick all the summer flowers I thought you’d like, because no offence, Alex, you’re kind of a nerd when it comes to flowers.’

The vase was filled with large wild sweetpea blossoms, summer spangles in all different colours, though mostly yellow and orange, coneflowers and even a couple of big sunflowers.

‘You know what this means, right?’ Sebastian said, hesitantly.

‘It’d make us…official?’ Alex said, shocked.

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s- Even after the Jodi thing?’

‘I was thinking about it, and I think if I had more control over how the town found out, I’d feel better about it all. But it’s not like I’m feeling less into you over time.’

Sebastian came closer and put the vase down on the table. Alex stared at all the flowers, all the details, because he hadn’t taken his glasses off yet.

‘You might be less into me, though,’ Sebastian said.

‘No,’ Alex said, shaking his head. No one except his grandma and Haley had ever given him flowers of any kind.

Couples could get a bouquet from Pierre’s – or make their own, per the older tradition – and everyone in Stardew Valley knew it meant an official declaration to date, to grow closer, to…be together.

There was dating, and then there was dating with a bouquet.

‘I thought you didn’t like commitment?’ Alex said, looking at Sebastian, feeling like he was in some alternate reality where things didn’t fall apart if he opened his mouth.

‘I’m scared of it. I like being with you, though.’

‘Even when you’re mad.’

‘Even when you’re mad, and kicking me out of your house, and giving me the silent treatment, and leaving my messages on read, and avoiding me because you can’t handle it,’ Sebastian said with a smirk. His expression turned serious. ‘Though can we like please keep working on that? You really think I’m dating you out of pity? Are you serious? It’s some of the best sex I’ve ever had.’

‘Sure,’ Alex scoffed.

‘I like you, dickhead. Do you know how long I had to look to find all those flowers? I have so much work to catch up on.’

Sebastian laughed, and Alex’s laugh followed, weaker, quieter, but real this time.

‘It was worth it,’ Sebastian added. ‘Maybe you can’t accept that I like you yet, but I hope you take the bouquet home.’

Alex touched the tissue paper carefully, stroked the round centre of a coneflower and nodded like that could convey everything he was feeling.

Sebastian came closer and leaned into Alex, staring at the flowers he’d picked.

‘Stay the night,’ Sebastian said.

‘You want some more of that great sex, huh?’ Alex joked.

‘Yeah,’ he said, in a way that dispelled Alex’s amusement fast. He looked at Sebastian, heart thumping hard all over again.

‘Are we…good?’

‘Are we?’ Sebastian said, looking at him seriously, heat in his dark eyes. ‘Because if we’re not, we can talk more.’

‘I’m so fucking sick of talking,’ Alex said, hooking his finger into the belt loop of Sebastian’s jeans.

He knew they’d have to talk more later. Too much had come up to ignore, and it wasn’t settled yet. But for now, he just wanted to focus on something different. Something better than facing the fact he’d been angry at Sebastian for days, and if he’d just opened up earlier, maybe he would’ve known about the bouquet sooner.

Notes:

Like damn Alex you could've had this all so much earlier if you'd just stopped Silent Treating the people closest to you out of sheer mismanaged rage. Also Alex as team 'fuck my birthday' and Sebastian as team 'no actually. Romance.'

In our next chapter, 'The Official I Want is Official With You':

"‘Hey,’ Alex said, clearing his throat. ‘If you want to control how the town finds out, stop giving me fucking hickies. Do you know how much it sucks wearing a scarf in summer?’
Sebastian stared like he’d never thought about it and looked at Alex’s neck.

‘Fucking damn it,’ Sebastian breathed. ‘Fine. Later. When the town finds out, I’m going to give you a necklace.’

Alex realised he meant a necklace of bruises and shuddered. He reached out to slide his hands underneath the hem of Sebastian’s jeans, only to have his arms caught, wrist gripped up in Sebastian’s hand.

‘Bedroom,’ Sebastian said. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Yeah?’ Alex said, letting Sebastian pull him down the corridor, casting one quick look at the bouquet. It was real. It was a bouquet. Sebastian wanted it to be official.

It was real."

*

I'm on Tumblr, where there's excerpts and stuff, and I reblogged my post today on why enthusiastic consent is actually a really ableist model (I'm happy to talk about it in the comments here too if you want to know more!) :D

Chapter 58: The Official I Want Is Official With You

Notes:

New tags: butt plug / object insertion

Apparently I have to introduce Alex to butt plugs in every fic I write about him, which isn’t often, but it’s weird that it’s happened twice.

Extra heads up for: Body shyness / body shame (around the concept of rimming)

Sebastian’s head ducked against Alex’s neck, teeth bit down, and Alex’s eyes slammed shut. He wanted this so much more than the conversation, even though he needed that, too.

He felt suction, faintly painful, and pushed Sebastian back.

‘Hey,’ Alex said, clearing his throat. ‘If you want to control how the town finds out, stop giving me fucking hickies. Do you know how much it sucks wearing a scarf in summer?’

Sebastian stared like he’d never thought about it and looked at Alex’s neck.

‘Fucking damn it,’ Sebastian breathed. ‘Fine. Later. When the town finds out, I’m going to give you a necklace.’

Alex realised he meant a necklace of bruises and shuddered. He reached out to slide his hands underneath the hem of Sebastian’s jeans, only to have his arms caught, wrist gripped up in Sebastian’s hand.

‘Bedroom,’ Sebastian said. ‘Let’s go.’

‘Yeah?’ Alex said, letting Sebastian pull him down the corridor, casting one quick look at the bouquet. It was real. It was a bouquet. Sebastian wanted it to be official.

It was real.

Sebastian pushed Alex forward and down onto the bed, so he was only half on it, chest on the mattress, feet on the floor, and Sebastian pressing down into him and rucking his shirt up, biting hard into the skin of his shoulder. Alex groaned, shaking his head, reaching behind to grab Sebastian but growing uncoordinated. It was so hard to concentrate when Sebastian surrounded him like this.

Sebastian’s hands reached down and grabbed Alex’s ass in a grip that hurt, felt bruising, possessive, and Alex growled and turned clumsily and fisted up Sebastian’s shirt.

‘You’re so rude,’ Alex breathed. ‘You grabby asshole.’

‘You’re not secretly waiting for me to be a really sweet lover, are you?’ Sebastian said with a smirk, pulling up Alex’s jeans until the material pressed hard and pinched at the delicate skin between his legs. Alex went up onto his tiptoes.

‘I mean… Maybe nicer.’

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian nuzzled at Alex’s jaw, then let go of his jeans to reach around and grasp his pectoral in a way that also fucking hurt. Alex hissed, then jolted as fingers brushed roughly over his nipple.

Alex knew he was supposed to respond, but it was getting harder to think about anything other than how much he’d missed this. They’d done nothing since the trip to Zuzu, aside from the blowjob, and Alex missed feeling surrounded by Sebastian, feeling the rough, controlling hunger in his hands, his mouth, in the press of his body.

Alex crawled onto the bed properly when he got enough breathing room and pulled his shirt off with one hand. He tried to make it look cool, but it got stuck on his shoulders, and as he used his other hand to get the shirt off properly, Sebastian bent down and bit the tender skin next to his navel, hard enough that Alex froze.

‘Fuck you, man!’ Alex managed. ‘Striking while I can’t even see.’

Sebastian laughed and pushed Alex back as he finally got his shirt off, tossing it off the side of the bed. Sebastian undid Alex’s fly, as Alex grabbed at Sebastian’s hair.

‘If you get those teeth anywhere near my dick, I’m taking them out.’

‘Can I blindfold you?’

Alex stared at him. Sebastian’s expression was serious, even as he pulled Alex’s jeans off all the way and dropped them on the floor.

‘What freaky shit are you planning on doing to me, that you need a blindfold?’

‘Nothing, just helps you feel it better. Well, some people. Not everyone.’

‘Slept with that many people to know, have you?’ Alex said.

Sebastian bent down, pushing in between Alex’s legs and kissing the inside of his thigh, licking over the skin and thin hairs there. Alex’s thoughts turned foggy.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, looking up with something impish in his near-black gaze. ‘Want to be the beneficiary?’

Alex could never measure up to any of the people Sebastian had slept with in the past, and he swallowed, because Sebastian acted like he was into Alex, which was wild. Sebastian knew about fashion, he took better care of his hair and his skin, he smelled great. Alex forced himself to nod, because he was curious, because he wanted to know the things Sebastian knew about the world.

Sebastian crawled up the bed and pulled out the drawer, and Alex turned and looked into it, into a jumbled-up drawer of condoms, lubricant, some kind of lubricant that had a chilli pepper symbol on it - what the fuck? - and dildos.

‘Do you fuck yourself with those?’ Alex said, looking over as Sebastian pulled out a long length of dark blue fabric.

‘I fuck other people with those,’ Sebastian said. ‘Well, not anyone lately. I could fuck you with those.’

‘But you have a dick,’ Alex said, confused. His mouth dropped open as Sebastian placed the blindfold over his eyes and the bridge of his nose. The fabric was cool and soft, and a sliver of light appeared underneath, but not enough to be meaningful.

‘Yeah, that’s true,’ Sebastian said, laughing, surprising Alex with a peck on the lips as he tied the blindfold. ‘But you know how I like to fuck people after they’ve come?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said.

‘Sometimes I like to do it after I’ve come, too.’

‘Huh.’

‘And sometimes I just like to keep something inside them, so they can’t get my come out until I decide they can.’

Alex’s dick throbbed hard between his legs, his hand twitched with the urge to get a hand around himself, and he held back, knowing it would be worth it to wait.

A mouth brushed against his nipple. Lips first, and then an open, wet mouth, the scrape of teeth, a tongue, and Alex groaned and reached out blindly, ending up with a hand on Sebastian’s shoulder, his shirt.

Sebastian’s hands slid beneath Alex’s waist and pulled him up, forcing an arch in his back that made him think of being fucked, and he pressed his feet down into the bed and hissed when Sebastian bit down into the tender skin of his nipple. It stung, ached, sent lances of pleasure down to his dick, made him want Sebastian inside him, that pleasure-pain driving him towards coming so hard it was almost like blacking out.

He would never get used to it. He never wanted to.

Sebastian sucked hard at Alex’s nipple, hard enough there was friction against the roof of Sebastian’s mouth, an abrasive sting. Alex panted and winced, fingers digging into Sebastian’s shoulder.

A fumbling noise beside him, which Alex assumed was lubricant, and then multiple items dropped on the bed.

‘What are you getting?’ Alex breathed.

‘You’ll find out.’

Sebastian bent down to the same wet nipple he’d been tormenting, and Alex hissed and tried to nudge his head away. It didn’t work.

‘Literally mostly pain now,’ Alex gritted out.

‘Literally, that’s why I’m doing it,’ Sebastian said against Alex’s chest, then bit down.

‘You fucker,’ Alex managed, heel dragging along the bed.

Sebastian switched to Alex’s other nipple, licking it sweetly, like he’d never do a thing to hurt him, and then applied more of that brutal suction.

‘Fuckin’… If I have to wear plasters on my chest, I’m gonna be pissed off.’

Sebastian laughed, dug his fingers into Alex’s back, and then his hands slid back around and pressed low into Alex’s pelvis, above the ridge of his dick.

Fuck me, that’s nice.

‘Lift your hips.’

Alex did, shoving down at his own briefs and palming his dick as Sebastian drew them off properly.

Sebastian slapped at his wrist out of nowhere, and Alex yanked his hand away.

‘Hey!’

‘Come on my cock, Alex,’ Sebastian said. ‘Or not at all.’

‘Screw you, man. I wasn’t going to… Whatever.’

Sebastian rolled Alex onto his front, and Alex winced as his nipples touched the bed. Sebastian knelt between his legs, grasping handfuls of Alex’s ass cheeks in hungry gropes. The kind that’d get a guy punched and thrown out at a tavern, if he ever tried to do it to the server.

‘You’re the worst,’ Alex mumbled.

‘I know.’

Sebastian bent down and bit at Alex’s ass cheeks, soothing him with kisses, or licking across the skin. Alex couldn’t help but worry that his butt was way grosser than he knew.

Alex panicked when Sebastian spread his ass cheeks, when Alex felt breathing against his hole.

‘Oh no,’ Alex said, pushing up and twisting around, getting his palm on Sebastian’s forehead to stop him, hand clumsy because he couldn’t see. ‘I haven’t even showered, you can’t!’

‘Why not?’ Sebastian said. ‘You’re a pretty clean guy.’

‘Dude, if it was my dick, then okay. But that’s my- I mean that’s-’

Sebastian’s fingers still spread Alex’s ass cheeks apart, Alex’s palm on his forehead. Alex blinked behind the blindfold. He wondered what expression was on Sebastian’s face.

‘It’s your hole, Alex,’ Sebastian said, dipping his thumb towards it and brushing against the skin. ‘I’ve been in there. It was fine.’

Alex’s breathing deepened, but he wasn’t wavering on this. ‘I want a recent shower. Like we just walked around outside and stared at fireflies and shit. I just cleaned your house!’

‘Your sweat smells good, though.’

‘You want your house cleaned twice a week but you want to put your mouth on my- on my…hole?’

‘Yeah. But it can wait until you’ve had a recent shower.’ Sebastian sounded exasperated. ‘You want to go do that now?’

‘No, man. My mood was already killed the last time we did anything together. I don’t want to risk that again. I just can’t- That’s not sanitary.’

A pause of a few seconds, and Sebastian laughed and bent down and kissed the rise of Alex’s ass cheek.

‘Okay, babe, whatever you say.’

‘That’s what I call Haley.’

‘And that’s probably why everyone thought you guys were hooking up for years,’ Sebastian said, rubbing a fingertip over Alex’s hole. Alex’s elbows felt weak. He sank down and then gave up entirely and twisted back to the pillows.

The click of a cap, and then slick cold being painted over tender skin, fingertips pressing into him, exploring, and Alex trying to feel like this was normal even though it still didn’t feel normal. Every time it felt like he was showing too much of himself, risking something huge.

Sebastian shifted, and Alex bit his lower lip when he felt something decidedly not a dick pressing against his hole. It was gentle at first. Obviously one of the sex toys Sebastian had mentioned. It didn’t seem huge, as the tip wedged apart his entrance and kept it open. Alex took a huge breath and ducked his head down into the pillow.

‘You’re doing so good,’ Sebastian said, and Alex clung to those words like a kid clutched at balloon on strings.

At first Alex thought it might be a dildo or something, but the toy widened quickly, until it had to be nearly as thick as Sebastian’s dick. Alex felt stretched open in a way he didn’t with fingers, and he wanted to complain, but he was screwed, because he liked this part. He liked the way Sebastian messed with the boundaries of his body, bit at his nipples, got rude with him. It made him feel like he could handle about anything.

Alex cried out weakly when the thing slid into him. And it did really slide all the way home, one moment his body was fighting it, and the next it was sliding deeper all at once, like his body had always wanted it.

Sebastian tapped the end of the butt plug several times and Alex jolted.

‘How’s that?’ Sebastian said.

Alex clenched down experimentally and shrugged. Felt like something was in his ass, mostly. It wasn’t as good as Sebastian’s dick, but it still felt good.

‘I can just as easily get you open for me with this as my fingers.’

Sebastian pulled the plug backwards, and Alex found this much harder, because his ass had narrowed around the neck of the plug and now it met that wide flare pushing him apart with no progressive stretch. He made a sound, clenched fingers into the pillow, and Sebastian gently pumped the neck of the plug back and forth, pulled and pushed it in different directions, working at Alex’s hole, stretching the elastic muscle.

Alex’s breathing turned heavy and uneven. Yeah, this was a totally different experience to Sebastian’s fingers.

The flare of the plug popped out of Alex’s hole, and he groaned, only for the sound to cut off as Sebastian pushed it back in again.

Fuck.

Sebastian toyed with his entrance for a while, enough that Alex reached back at one point and slapped in annoyance at Sebastian’s wrist and whatever he could reach, even though he didn’t want Sebastian to stop. He just wanted to make it clear he knew the guy was being an asshole. They both knew. Sebastian laughed and kept going, occasionally bending down to kiss or bite, or suck marks into Alex’s waist, and Alex wanted to grind down into the bed so fucking hard.

Pleading sounds came first, and then he was just saying please intermittently, hoping he was getting across what he meant. Please more. Please stop and fuck me. Please, I need to come.

‘Okay, okay,’ Sebastian said. ‘I could do this to you all day. Like, stressful meeting with a work boss, and then come in here and pop a plug into you like this. You’ve been squirming for the last five minutes.’

Alex opened his mouth to say something, but Sebastian pulled the plug out and knelt over him, popped the cap on the lubricant, and Alex had the singular experience of having his hole held open on two fingers, and the lube pouring straight in.

‘You’re so…’ Alex couldn’t finish the sentence, not with the filthy squelch that Sebastian’s fingers made pushing into him.

‘You’re kind of body shy, huh?’ Sebastian said. 

Sebastian pressed the head of his dick against him, nudging forwards, stretching him open.  

Sebastian laughed low and satisfied, slid in, and in, and the lubricant and the plug must have done its job. He lifted Alex’s hips up, and Alex got his knees under himself automatically, voice breaking as Sebastian’s cock pressed deeper, until it ached, until it felt like he had nothing more inside him.

Sebastian ground into that space, tight circles, and Alex’s body broke out into a sweat.

He knew what it was this time, what caused this reaction in him, but it still felt like being broken open, like Sebastian was going to tear straight through him.

He couldn’t speak. Every exhale was a low cry, shivering and then squirming as Sebastian pressed the heels of his hands into the space on either side of Alex’s spine and pushed his hands towards his shoulders. It hurt. It felt so fucking good. His dick was hard between his legs, his balls were tight, and he knew if he got a hand on himself, he’d come so hard.

When Sebastian pressed all the way to the hilt, Alex felt sweat trickle down his forehead. He rubbed it into the pillow.

Sebastian withdrew nearly all the way, then pushed back in hard, firm, and Alex cried out. He still felt like that kind of force should skewer him open, like he was too fragile for that, but Sebastian kept doing it, and Alex felt a growing throb inside him, half like he needed to piss, half like he was going to come so hard he’d break apart.

He knew enough to know that was his prostate, Sebastian’s dick too big to avoid it.

Sebastian pressed bruises into his hips and thighs, fucked into him with slow withdrawals but fast, mean thrusts. The speed picked up, and Alex was lost in the build of it, forgetting about everything except the way Sebastian held onto him. He didn’t give a shit about the blindfold. He wouldn’t have been able to see anything anyway, with the way his head pressed into the pillow.

Sebastian leaned up over him, breathing harder, chest coming down and brushing against Alex’s back. One of Sebastian’s hands came around Alex’s face, wedging beneath his cheek and the pillow until he could slide two fingers into Alex’s mouth. Sebastian pressed Alex’s tongue down in his mouth, forced more noises out of him, and Alex was fucking gone.

He came only about 20 seconds later, the feeling of it winding up tight inside him as his balls pulled up. Alex wasn’t paying attention to the noises he was making, only the way Sebastian fought to fuck him through it as hard as ever, despite the way Alex clenched down.

Sebastian swore over him, pressed his mouth down to the back of Alex’s head, fucked harder. Alex felt like he was going to come forever, but the spasms and pulses of come were slowing down, and Alex was worn out from the intensity of his own agonising pleasure.

Already he could tell he was getting too sensitive, and his teeth pressed down against Sebastian’s fingers.

‘Not much longer,’ Sebastian said, sounding really out of breath. ‘Not much longer, I promise.’

Alex made a strangled noise as that feeling of arousal and needing to piss became sharp, mean oversensitivity. He became aware of the pain and ache in his nipples, the way the rim of his ass burned as Sebastian plunged into him.

He sucked down a wet breath, spit all over the pillow and Sebastian’s fingers, and gripped whatever fabric he could reach. Alex needed Sebastian to come. He couldn’t do another five minutes of this. He didn’t have it in him today.

Thankfully, only a couple of minutes later - Alex giving serious thought to tapping out - Sebastian slammed deep into him and his hips kept pressing as he came. Alex felt Sebastian’s dick throbbing at his entrance, but didn’t feel much inside him. It was weird how he could be so sensitive, but couldn’t pick out the specifics, either. Bodies baffled him.

Alex slumped down, sucking hard on Sebastian’s fingers, as Sebastian stayed pressed into him for a long time, mouthing as his shoulder, his neck, scraping teeth across his skin.

‘Wait there like that for a second,’ Sebastian said roughly, and Alex hissed as Sebastian pulled his still softening dick out of him.

Alex’s eyes flew open as the plug pressed into him, sliding in, not letting his hole close properly.

‘What-?’

‘Just try it,’ Sebastian said, undoing the knot of the blindfold and pulling it away. Alex blinked rapidly a few times at the light and sagged down in exhaustion. ‘Just try it and see what you think.’

Alex rolled to his side, and Sebastian laid down next to him, looking pretty wiped out.

‘For how long?’ Alex said.

‘Maybe overnight?’

Alex stared at him and thought about Sebastian’s come inside him and shivered. Yeah, okay, he could try that.

‘Won’t it get disgusting?’ Alex said.

‘Showers exist.’ Sebastian came closer and kissed Alex’s lips with a tenderness that felt so different from the way Sebastian just used him up during sex.

Alex liked all of it. Way, way too much.

He thought again about the bouquet out there on the table. The one made of summer flowers. The one Sebastian made himself.

‘You really made me a bouquet,’ Alex said, feeling like he couldn’t possibly be right about the symbolism of it all. ‘And it really means what I think it does?’

‘We’re official,’ Sebastian said. ‘We’re just not telling everyone yet. Can we…talk about that more later?’

Alex didn’t want to talk about it more at all. He didn’t want to look a gift-horse in the mouth. He didn’t want to spoil it. But he nodded anyway, tired and wanting a shower, his pelvis wet and gross.

Still, when Sebastian gave him another of those gentle kisses, Alex returned it, and that’s how he ended up falling asleep, lazy kisses and a butt plug in his ass sending him all the way off into the quiet dark.

 

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'The Battle of Fantasy and Reality':

"Alex fussed with the flowers, and then eventually brought them into the kitchen where there was more light. Sebastian occasionally looked up from the frying pan, a small smile on his face.

‘You like them?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Just, yeah. Hey, I knew I was supposed to talk to you. I just couldn’t make myself. I was too scared I’d end everything somehow. That it was already over and I just didn’t know.’

Sebastian’s smile vanished, and he nodded, and kept cooking. He started dishing up and looked like he was still thinking about it.

‘Other people have those fears too,’ Sebastian said finally. ‘Do you know that? It seems so obvious to me, but did you realise I was terrified of losing you, too?’"

*

psst, u wanna look inside my coat, tumblr and oh my god why are there frogs!

Chapter 59: The Battle of Fantasy and Reality

Notes:

Notes/tags for this chapter: Forgetting lubricant exists / poor sexual practices / don't just rip it like a lawnmower cord actually / the butt plug is not a good thing to wear overnight without actually a whole lot of extra lubricant which they didn't apply dsalkfjdsa especially not on someone who goes from 0 to Panic Stations as quickly as Alex does

And with that, this fic is now 200,000 words, or the size of about 2.5-3 standard length novels! Well done all for like asldkfdjsa indulging my ridiculous fascination with these two little SDV gremlins

Alex woke and immediately felt a world of pain between his legs. He gasped, opened his eyes, realised he was in Sebastian’s bed. Sebastian was fast asleep, chest slowly moving as he breathed, and Alex reached between his legs and felt the silicone of the plug. Just nudging it was agonising.

He swallowed down a sound, unsure why it hurt so much. It’d felt fine before. It wasn’t as big as Sebastian’s dick, and he’d fallen asleep without even really noticing it as anything other than weirdly comforting and invasive.

Now, when he shifted, the pain was bright, and he got his fingers around the end of it and pulled slightly, and grunted, immediately letting go. It hurt.

His breathing sped up as he laid there, legs slightly bent up to his chest, on his side, trying to figure out what the fuck to do. He didn’t want to wake Sebastian. Surely this wasn’t normal? Sebastian didn’t seem like the kind of guy to forget to tell him this was a thing.

Sadism or not, he just didn’t seem like that kind of person.

Alex tried to gently twist the plug, and that was even worse. It felt like he was tearing himself apart, worse than when Sebastian fucked into him for the first time. He rocked forward and felt tears come to his eyes. He didn’t want to wake up Sebastian for this. He was being a baby. But it was fucking scary that he didn’t know why it hurt so fucking much.

‘Alex?’ Sebastian said, voice sleep-thick as he turned and touched the top of Alex’s head clumsily. ‘What is it? Did you have a nightmare?’

Alex shook his head, every breath shaking. ‘It’s, uh, the thing. Inside me. It hurts.’

A pause where Alex expected to be ridiculed, and then Sebastian rolled over onto his side to face Alex properly.

‘The plug?’ Sebastian said, sounding way more awake. ‘Is everything okay?’

Alex shook his head.

‘Okay, okay,’ Sebastian said. ‘Hold still. Maybe the lube dried out.’

‘Is there something wrong with me that it hurts this much?’

‘It’s that bad?’ Sebastian said, and Alex risked looking at him. Sebastian looked really worried, but he was already turning to his side of the bed and getting lubricant out of the drawer.

‘It’s not fucking great. I tried to take it out and just- Even touching it…’

Sebastian had a small hand towel as well, maybe for the plug.

‘Roll onto your front,’ Sebastian said, and Alex hesitated, and then did it. The plug moved slightly inside him, and that didn’t seem to hurt as much inside as it did at the rim. Maybe it was a lubricant thing. ‘Okay, I’m going to apply some more lubricant, but I have to get under the end of the plug to do that, so it might still hurt a bit at first. Okay?’

‘Whatever, I just want it out,’ Alex said. ‘It was fine before, but…’

‘No, no, I get it.’

One of Sebastian’s hands was dry when it pulled one of his ass cheeks aside, the other slippery with lube. Sebastian didn’t touch the plug directly, or even pull on it, instead painting lots of cool lubricant around the end of the plug. He didn’t even try to go under yet, and Alex shuddered, because even with his alarm at what was happening, he liked the touch, but he also didn’t want to do anything sexual right now.

‘I’m sorry,’ Sebastian said. ‘This is my fault. I was caught up in the fantasy, but I don’t think you should’ve been wearing this with no extra lube while we slept. I went pretty hard on you. If you’ve got any tiny tears, it’d hurt more. Shit. You’ve done nothing wrong.’

‘It was fine last night,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah. But bodies can absorb lube. I should’ve applied extra. Sometimes what’s fun in the moment is pretty hard the next day.’

Alex nodded, scratched his itchy chest absently, and then cried out when he brushed his nails against his nipple. He yanked his hand away from his chest and laughed, the sound pained.

‘I think I’m going to be apologising to you a lot today,’ Sebastian said wryly. ‘Okay, I’m going to try going underneath the end of the plug now. It might be painful, but if it’s really bad, tell me. We might have to get Har-’

‘Don’t you fucking dare,’ Alex said, mortified. ‘I’ll pull the damned thing out myself before he sees me with a plug up my ass.’

‘I mean, he’s probably- Actually, you know what, I don’t think he’s like the hospital doctors at all. He probably hasn’t seen this before. Anyway, I’m going to get started.’

Sebastian had been gently working Alex’s tender, lubricated skin back and forth, working the lubricant under the end of the plug. But when he carefully slid dexterous fingers beneath the end, pressing Alex’s skin down, it still hurt. Alex held his breath, but bore it. He couldn’t think of what else to do.

A lot more lubricant, and the coldness helped soothe his inflamed skin. And then Sebastian could twist the plug without it feeling like it was snagging on skin, and it moved pretty easily. The ache was there, the scratchy pain was still there, but it was better.

But then Alex remembered it still had to come out of him, and he’d have to stretch so much more.

‘You can’t just do it really quick, can you?’ Alex said, his voice shaking.

‘What, like, just rip it out? Like a lawnmower cord?’

‘Yeah.’

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘Even if your ass could handle it, that’s a one-way ticket to Harvey telling me I’m not responsible enough to fuck other dudes.’

‘It’s gonna hurt.’

‘Yeah, if there’s a next time, you wear it for twenty minutes max and I’ll remove it while you’re still in the mood. Going from not being used to anal, to me doing this to you, ah, yeah, I was an idiot.’

‘That’s my line.’

‘It shouldn’t be,’ Sebastian said, and began gently working the narrower neck of the plug back and forth, pushing it in, pulling it out, working the neck without pulling out the widest part. It still hurt, but the lubricant helped.

Now he was left with another issue. He needed to piss and every time Sebastian pushed it back down, it felt like it was getting close to his bladder. Alex really should’ve paid better attention to how bodies worked in school.

‘You’re doing really well,’ Sebastian said. ‘Super well. You want bacon and eggs for breakfast?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, wincing as Sebastian pulled the toy back even more, the wider part stretching where the pain was worst. He grunted softly, tensing, but Sebastian pushed the plug back in gently, which just made Alex’s bladder twinge. ‘Is it bad that I’m not turned on?’

‘Uh, no. Do you think you should be?’

‘You think I’m a masochist.’

‘You are, but that doesn’t mean you get turned on by all pain, ever,’ Sebastian said. ‘I don’t get turned on by seeing all pain ever. Could you experiencing pain from a butt plug in other circumstances be hot? Yeah. If I have control over it, and it’s safe, absolutely. Right now, it just sucks. This is just negligence on my part because I thought something would be hot.’

‘I mean it was hot.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘It was. Okay, I’m gonna start trying to get this out now.’

Alex swore softly, nodded, and cringed as Sebastian started. He was about as gentle as he could be, with Sebastian rocking the plug carefully, working at Alex’s rim, but it was obvious how much being turned on made anal really worthwhile, compared to now, when Alex had never wanted something foreign in his ass less.

Alex’s cry was muffled when it finally stretched his hole wide enough to come free.

‘I’m just going to look to see if anything’s torn, okay?’ Sebastian said. ‘Give me a few seconds.’

Alex didn’t want to move. Sebastian examined his entrance, but it didn’t really hurt, and there were only a few light touches.

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘Nothing’s torn that I can see, and there’s no blood on the plug. But your skin looks red and swollen, so I think I just did a number on you, and the swelling wouldn’t have helped with the pain when the skin dried out. I don’t know if you clench or anything while sleeping, but maybe that was part of it. Let me go deal with this.’

‘I’m gonna- I’ve gotta use the toilet,’ Alex managed.

‘Sure. I’ll use the other bathroom.’

Alex nodded, got off the bed, went to the bathroom and pissed, and then realised come was leaking out of his ass and stared at the ceiling and sighed.

*

He ended up in bed for another hour after showering, Sebastian pulling him close and wrapping an arm around him.

‘You never told me if you enjoyed the game,’ Sebastian said, nuzzling into Alex’s neck like he just wanted to rub his nose and lips all over the skin for the warmth or feel of it. It was faintly ticklish, and mostly felt nice.

‘I liked it,’ Alex said. ‘I was having a bad night, and I still liked it. Victoria’s really cool.’

‘She likes you,’ Sebastian said. ‘She was worried when you left.’

‘Yeah, she messaged me. I messaged her back.’

‘Just not me,’ Sebastian said.

‘Or Haley.’

‘Oh. Really? Why her?’

‘I don’t know, man,’ Alex said, and sighed. ‘It just felt too exhausting. Walking home with her and Sam. I didn’t want to deal with it. I’m not against them dating. But I felt like shit. I enjoyed the game, but it’s still pretty intense. I haven’t heard my mom’s name that much since before she died. And the funny thing is I did that to myself. So I’m a sucker for punishment.’

‘Maybe you’re just ready to start feeling those feelings more, or something,’ Sebastian said.

‘Maybe.’

‘You hungry?’

‘Yeah, I could eat an entire cow. One of Marnie’s really cute ones.’

‘Oh no,’ Sebastian said, laughing. ‘Not an entire cow.’

‘The whole ranch. I’d just pick ‘em up, with my beefy arms, and-’

Sebastian muffled his laughter into Alex’s neck, pulling him tighter. ‘I’d better go make you some breakfast.’

‘You know, I can cook,’ Alex said. ‘I can cook pretty well!’

‘Then cook for me some time,’ Sebastian said, pecking Alex on the lips. ‘But I’m gonna go make breakfast.’

‘Okay, fine. I’ll shower then. Hey, did you like those choc chip cookies I made ages ago?’

‘Are you kidding? They’re the best in the town. Everyone knows that.’

‘Grandma’s were.’

‘You use her recipe,’ Sebastian said, sliding out of bed. ‘I don’t know what it is, but they taste just as good.’

Alex watched him go, scratching idly at his hip, and then smiled and rolled onto his back. The pain in his ass was mostly a dull ache now, and his nipples weren’t too bad, as long as he didn’t scratch them like an idiot. And they were together. And Sebastian gave him a bouquet.

They were official.

Life was so strange.

*

Alex fussed with the flowers, and then eventually brought them into the kitchen where there was more light. Sebastian occasionally looked up from the frying pan, a small smile on his face.

‘You like them?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Just, yeah. Hey, I knew I was supposed to talk to you. I just couldn’t make myself. I was too scared I’d end everything somehow. That it was already over and I just didn’t know.’

Sebastian’s smile vanished, and he nodded, and kept cooking. He started dishing up and looked like he was still thinking about it.

‘Other people have those fears too,’ Sebastian said finally. ‘Do you know that? It seems so obvious to me, but did you realise I was terrified of losing you, too?’

Alex stared at him as Sebastian started dishing up. ‘Um, no. You were the one who was mad.’

‘And you were the one who was also mad,’ Sebastian said with a patience Alex wasn’t sure he deserved. ‘You kicked me out of the house, Alex. And I thought it was for one thing, but it was for the other thing that you refused to talk about. It’s not like I knew exactly where I’d messed up. I just knew I’d hurt you badly enough that you kicked me out. And then I had to stew in that.’

‘But you can just have anyone.’

‘But I don’t want anyone,’ Sebastian said. ‘I want you.’

‘Yeah, for now, but-’

‘Okay,’ Sebastian said firmly, handing Alex a knife and fork. ‘Okay, I get this is what you believe, but at some point, give me some credit. I know you can’t just put all your pain aside and start believing something totally new, but it sucks to repeatedly be told in different ways that you don’t trust me enough to believe me when I say I want you.

‘It’s obvious you think I’m settling, like you’re the only gay guy here so I have to be with you - which, for the record, you are so not the only gay guy in Stardew Valley, just in Pelican Town, which is different – and I can’t cure your self-worth issues. But it makes me feel like what I say doesn’t matter to you at all unless it’s bad.’

Alex lifted the bacon sandwich he’d made for himself and took a huge bite so he could buy himself some time to answer.

He’d never really thought about it that way before.

‘I’m seeing Tim,’ Alex said eventually. ‘I know I keep saying that like it’s a silver bullet, but I get that the way I think isn’t really helping anyone.’

‘Or you,’ Sebastian said.

‘Or me,’ Alex added. ‘Yeah, that one seems like it might be a big deal.’

Sebastian laughed softly, incredulously. He shook his head and sighed. ‘If you were ever open to seeing Tim together, maybe. He does that sometimes.’

Alex felt a huge yawing dread open up inside him. No, anything but that. ‘He’ll just tell you that you deserve better.’

‘Or…’

‘Or he’ll tell me I need to be better to be worth someone like you.’

Sebastian sighed, eating some of the pea shoots he’d put on his plate. Alex had already finished all of his, stuffing them into his mouth at once, wishing there were more.

‘There’s that saying, you know,’ Alex said. ‘The one that says you can’t have or know love until you love yourself.’

‘That’s the most bullshit saying in the world,’ Sebastian said, staring at him hard. ‘You need to know that, Alex. It’s total shit. You can’t love yourself until you have love! That’s how that works. You just can’t learn something you’ve never known out of nowhere. I’m not expecting you to be perfect here, but I think sometimes you think I am, even though I keep saying I’m not.’

Alex wanted to complain about how much they were talking about personal stuff again, but he knew it was important to Sebastian, and it seemed to make things easier between them. For a while, anyway.

‘The Jodi thing,’ Sebastian sighed. ‘I just…’

‘No, that one I get,’ Alex said, and he meant it. ‘That one, as soon as you explained it, it made sense. Honestly, if I hadn’t taken it so personally, I would’ve understood. You have baggage around the Martingale stuff, and I don’t blame you for that.’

‘I mean, I bullied you and put you down for a long time, so it also makes sense why you took it personally. In the grand scheme of things, I think I’ve still said more mean things to you than nice ones over the course of our lives. I’ll try to make up for that, hey?’

‘I’m not looking for compliments.’

‘That just makes it more fun to compliment you. You get all squirmy.’

Alex smiled, kept eating, and breakfast seemed to quieten down after that.

Alex felt calmer, though disturbed at the same time. He didn’t know how to magically feel worthy of Sebastian, and he didn’t know if he was allowed the audacity to even try. That was probably something he should talk to Tim about.

‘You make it seem so easy to live in the world,’ Alex said, as he picked up their empty plates.

‘What?’ Sebastian said, staring at him. ‘I do?’

‘I dunno, you seem to live your bliss, or whatever. You have this cool sword, you work your own hours, you have this awesome house, and you’ve done all these amazing things.’

‘Okay, yeah,’ Sebastian said slowly. ‘But reality is also that I was so gutted and devastated after Martingale divorced me, and how the town treated me, that I literally fled to Zuzu and needed therapy for it. I made it work, don’t get me wrong. But I ran away. I ran away because it hurt so bad. It took me so long to realise the relationship itself was terrible for me. I didn’t know. No one taught me what a healthy relationship was supposed to be. No one taught Martingale, either, but I think he realised somewhere along the way.’

‘And he never told you,’ Alex said, wiping his hands on a towel and leaning back against the counter. ‘No wonder you flipped when I froze you out. The last time a guy did that to you, you got divorced at the end of it.’

‘I get why you couldn’t talk to me. I do. That’s something I’m not- That’s still- Fuck. What I’m trying to say is I understand that behaving the way I did wasn’t cool, but I have wounds around this stuff that haven’t healed yet and maybe won’t in a few days or whatever. I don’t know if that’s a dealbreaker for you, I tried to tell you, but that’s different to going through it. Just like you have things that make your behaviours not cool, but you have wounds around that stuff.’

Alex sighed, folding the tea towel. ‘We’re both a bit broken. Or in my case, a lot broken.’

‘I was a lot broken for a while too,’ Sebastian said, staring off down the corridor. ‘I don’t have anywhere near your level of crap. But I’m still figuring my shit out. I just want to seem more together than I am.’

‘Same.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian laughed. ‘Yeah, I get that. Hey, would you be mad if we told my parents first? I want to get it out of the way.’

‘That we’re together?’ Alex said. ‘Seriously?’

Sebastian nodded and grimaced. ‘I know you have stuff with Dem and my mom, but if I’m there… And Maru will be thrilled for us. And I think once that hurdle is out of the way, I’ll feel better about the whole thing. But we can wait, if you’re not ready. It’s just, if we’re heading towards the town finding out, it’s going to be crappy if my parents find out from Jodi.’

Alex nodded, nodded again, and then pressed back into the counter.

‘Parents scare me,’ he said finally.

It wasn’t until he said it that he realised how much it was true. They scared him. Jodi was fine on her own, but Jodi and Kent as a unit were terrifying. He closed his eyes. Yeah, he knew where that came from.

But Demetrius also had so much power to hurt him, even if Alex wasn’t supposed to give him much weighting, how could he not, if he and Sebastian were official now?

‘Can I talk to Tim about it?’ Alex said finally.

‘Yeah, please,’ Sebastian said.

He pushed up and came over, and brought Alex into a close hug, arms strong and good around him. Alex pressed closer. He wondered if Tim would just tell Alex to grow the fuck up already, but he suspected that wasn’t the direction Tim would take things.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Quiet Turbulence"

"‘I mean- I didn’t reply to your texts.’

‘You really didn’t, hey,’ Haley said, as Alex joined her at the table, and then got up and put the kettle on, realising he should make something for the both of them. He sat down again, scrubbing at his hair with his hands, stressed. They weren’t going to argue, were they? ‘What’s going on? Did I upset you during the game?’

‘What? No,’ Alex said.

‘Sam thinks he really fucked up by talking to you. Like, that he drove you out of the house, basically.’

‘Fucking- Shit. Sebastian said that too. I’ll apologise. I’ll…say I’m sorry.’

‘If that’s what you’re upset about, you don’t have to apologise. You can just tell him not to bring it up again,’ Haley said quietly. ‘I think I’d just like to know what’s going on. Why did you leave like that? It was a bit… I’m worried and kind of annoyed.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, where I have been for well over a decade x.x

Chapter 60: Quiet Turbulence

Notes:

That feeling when stuff in your life is starting to go well and it's terrifying because happiness feels like a threat

On Monday, early in the morning – Alex winding down for the day – Alex left Tim a nervous voicemail, asking if Tim had any availability on Friday, before adding that it wasn’t urgent and he could wait. It was so humiliating. But after learning Sebastian wanted to tell his parents about their relationship, everything felt very real in a way that was terrifying. Admitting to Sebastian that parents scared him was totally fucked up.

It was why Alex gravitated towards Haley as a friend, because her parents were overseas all the fucking time, and it was her and Emily, and he didn’t have to worry about parents.

It was so dumb. He knew it was dumb. But knowing why he was afraid didn’t make the fear go away. It made it worse.

Alex woke in the late afternoon to Tim’s response. He clung to his phone and listened to the voice message.

‘I’m usually only in Pelican Town once every two weeks, but you’re in luck, because I want to attend the Trout Derby and will be in the area scoping it out. What do you say to an afternoon appointment? I’ll be done in the mountains by then, and the forecast looks decent. I can do one or two pm. Let me know.’

Alex winced at the time availability. It was weird, now, that he was so used to sleeping through the early afternoon. That was a deep sleep time for him. He’d probably wake up well enough once he got exposure to enough sunlight, but night shifts made it hard.

He could probably do an early afternoon session once. That’d be okay, wouldn’t it? He’d been wanting to shift his sleep schedule more, anyway. He hated missing so much of the day, and while he’d gotten about another hour for himself, it made him realise he actually needed sunlight. Like a plant.

Alex booked a two pm appointment and felt ill. So much for safety. He rubbed at his forehead, then got up and started his day. Haley was visiting, and he knew they had some serious stuff to talk about. After all, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d left her messages on read like that, and he felt awful for it.

*

‘I’m sorry,’ Alex said, when Haley walked in. ‘I am sorry for all of it.’

‘Yeah, yeah,’ Haley said, waving a hand and going straight to Alex’s fridge. ‘Oh, is this lasagne? Oh, nice, it’s Jodi’s right?’

‘Uh huh.’

Haley squinted at Alex, and Alex stared back. He was nervous. It was weird because he was never nervous around Haley. Haley frowned to herself, closed the fridge and looked to the kitchen counter, and her hands flew to her mouth.

‘That’s not what I think it is!’ Haley said, staring at the bouquet. ‘Is that what I think it is? That’s not what I think it is, right? Oh, wow, Alex, is it though?’

‘Cool your jets, Hales,’ Alex said, nerves sliding away as he smiled helplessly.

‘He got you- no, he made this, didn’t he? He made you a bouquet? Sebastian? This is Sebastian, right?’

‘Who else?’ Alex said, walking over and standing next to her. ‘It’s pretty nice, yeah?’

‘It’s lovely,’ Haley said. ‘Wow. Oh, wow. That must have been hard for him, too.’

‘What do you mean?’

Haley paused, winced, then cleared her throat. ‘No, well, it’s just…the last time someone gave someone a bouquet in this town – that I know of – it was the farmer giving one to Sebastian. We haven’t really had any official hook-ups since then. Sam’s already said to me he wants to wait before giving me one. I told him I could just as easily give him one, and then he got all blushy and couldn’t speak properly for a while. Made me realise I actually find a flustered guy pretty hot.’

‘Haley,’ Alex said, reproving.

‘I’m just saying,’ Haley said, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear.

‘Sebastian said he was always mad that Martingale used to grow hundreds of flowers but still couldn’t make one himself. He also said he looked for all the summer flowers, because he knew I liked summer, and summer flowers, and then he called me a nerd.’

And then we fucked.

Alex’s ass was still sore from the plug debacle, but he was well enough that thinking about the sex they’d had still made his dick twitch sometimes, still made him jerk off in the shower when he’d woken up. He’d come with his chest and shoulders pushed into cold tiles, imagining it was Sebastian pinning him there. Alex came so hard he’d been light-headed after and stood there, gasping, under the spray.

‘He gave it to me on my birthday,’ Alex said, reaching out and touching one coneflower lightly, not wanting to bruise the petals.

‘So birthdays are back on now?’ Haley said, and Alex looked at her and swallowed.

‘I mean, we didn’t… We weren’t- I didn’t tell him. I’d forgotten what day it was.’

‘I know,’ Haley said. ‘You’re the star of the Sad Alex Show, but I’d really like to get you cake and presents and stuff. You know your grandparents would hate that you don’t celebrate anymore.’

Alex looked to the kitchen windowsill, where a single sweet pea blossom stood in its small vase. Alex had changed the water, and the sweet pea was still going strong. He took a slow breath.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said finally. ‘We can do something next year, maybe. Something small.’

‘I’m not trying to make you feel guilty,’ Haley said, walking to the table and sitting down. ‘Really. I guess I was kind of mean, actually, calling it the Sad Alex Show.’

‘I mean- I didn’t reply to your texts.’

‘You really didn’t,’ Haley said, as Alex put the kettle on, then joined her at the table. He scrubbed at his hair with his hands, stressed. They weren’t going to argue, were they? ‘What’s going on? Did I upset you during the game?’

‘What? No,’ Alex said.

‘Sam thinks he really fucked up by talking to you. Like, that he drove you out of the house, basically.’

‘Fucking- Shit. Sebastian said that too. I’ll apologise. I’ll…say I’m sorry.’

‘If that’s what you’re upset about, you don’t have to apologise. You can just tell him not to bring it up again,’ Haley said. ‘I think I’d just like to know what’s going on. Why did you leave like that? It was a bit… I’m worried and kind of annoyed.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t enjoy feeling this way about you,’ Haley added. ‘I don’t want to feel this way. I’d just like to understand it better. Also, can I have a juice? It’s too hot for coffee.’

Alex turned the kettle off and poured them both two glasses of juice. He marvelled that he had fruit juice in the house now, and he could keep affording it because of his job. He hadn’t thought about working for Mayor Lewis in a while, and looked down at the scar on his arm. That job sucked.

‘I guess it’s my turn to talk now,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah,’ Haley said, sipping at the juice.

‘It’s just- I thought Sebastian was going to break up with me because of some stuff. And I was already not talking to him. Sort of. I’d been, um, freezing him out. And then before we played the game, me and Sebastian were about to talk about it and Victoria got there, and then everyone was there, and I just thought about how I’m a third wheel now and the idea of walking home with you and Sam while knowing Sebastian didn’t want me… I just couldn’t handle it.’

He thought about his conversation with Sam and stared off at nothing. He didn’t want to talk about this part.

‘Also, um, don’t think I realised how intense it would be, playing a character with my mom’s name. Feels so fucking dumb that I didn’t think about that before.’

‘You can change the name,’ Haley said quietly. ‘It’s early enough in the game that no one would mind.’

‘Um, yeah, no, that’s… It’s fine. I also don’t hang out with people like that. I think I’m not used to it. And I was tired. And then I was just done, I guess. I had to leave.’

‘Oh boy,’ Haley sighed to herself. ‘That’s a lot.’

‘I’m sorry for not reading your texts. I thought you’d be mad at me for leaving like that. Or you’d want to know what was wrong. And I just couldn’t talk.’

‘It’s been a while since you’ve gotten like that,’ Haley said, drinking more of the juice, sounding surprisingly fine for someone who’d just said she was annoyed. ‘You used to go into the quiet space a lot when we were younger. That’s probably what it was, right?’

Alex stared at her, because he hadn’t thought about the quiet space for ages. When his grandparents were sick, he couldn’t afford to retreat to it anymore. He had to force himself to be present, and read their paperwork, and deal with the headaches, and talk to medical specialists, and talk to his grandparents. He couldn’t withdraw anymore, because they’d know, they’d feel guilty because their grandson was taking care of them.

It really had been years.

‘I don’t really do group hangs like that either,’ Haley said, ‘well…I mean, I’ve started hanging out with Maru and Penny, but the bigger group was a lot. I’m really glad you were there. Can we talk about the “third wheel” thing?’

‘It’s- It’s not bad, of course I’m gonna end up…like that.’

‘That goes both ways,’ Haley said, and smiled tiredly. ‘You and Sebastian are official now, remember? What if you and Sebastian invited me to something? Do you think I’m a third wheel in that context? Are you just going to ignore me? Is that what you think I am?’

‘No!’

‘Yeah, so, I’m going to be seeing Sam a bit more. But on that walk home, I would’ve been talking to you about how the game went, not about like… I don’t know what you expected.’

‘I just couldn’t do it,’ Alex said, feeling frustrated he couldn’t articulate what was wrong. It was stuck in his chest and his throat. The right words wouldn’t come to him. ‘I just couldn’t do more people. If it was just you, then you would’ve known I wasn’t talking, and you would’ve been fine with me being a dickhead like that. But Sam doesn’t know! And I didn’t know that’s the mood I was in. I just had to go.’

Haley was silent for a while, but she looked thoughtful, not angry.

‘Crap, I think there are a few things going on,’ Haley said finally. ‘Of course, you can just leave when you’re overwhelmed. But it worries me that you think I’ve changed so much since seeing Sam you couldn’t just read my texts.’

‘I was just sure – for a day or two – that everyone was mad at me, and I didn’t have any energy left to do better.’

Alex laughed bitterly. It was so funny he’d thought that. Because after talking to Sebastian, the reality was Alex was the one angry at nearly everyone else. Angry at Haley for finding someone she liked, even though that was unfair, and she deserved all the happiness in the world. Angry at Sebastian for losing it at him about Jodi, and then getting come in his eye, and not getting it and forcing Alex to fucking talk about his issues, which he didn’t want to do. Angry at everyone for telling him he was the one who needed to go to therapy and angry at himself because he knew he fucking needed it. Angry at his mom, ever since that eye exam, and scared, so scared, because the only other person who’d ever been angry at his mom was his dad.

He was scared all the time, lately.

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ Alex said finally. ‘I feel so messed up, and there’s so many nice things happening. I have a boyfriend. And it’s…real. I have a job that pays better. I even got invited to a group game that wasn’t just because I’m good at sports, for once, but because… I don’t know. I was doing fine, and now-’

‘-You weren’t doing fine,’ Haley said, looking sad. ‘When do you think you were doing fine?’

‘Before all of this.’

‘When?’

‘Before- Before…’ Alex slowed down. Before what? When he worked for Mayor Lewis? When he took care of his sick grandparents? When he was in high school, nursing a secret attraction with Sebastian, sure he loved him, while getting bullied and bullying back? When?

‘Can I say something?’ Haley said, and Alex’s head dropped. Great. ‘Babe, you’re doing a lot of things that are emotional things. And you don’t like feeling emotions. So it’s tough.’

‘It’s that simple, is it?’

‘Yeah, kind of,’ Haley said. ‘The feelings aren’t simple. I can see that. But you spent so long not doing any emotional things, outside of what was forced on you. It was like you didn’t have the time or the energy for it. Even dropping your birthday the way you did. The only emotional things you’d do were things for other people. You’ll celebrate my birthday, but not yours. Or you’ll listen to me vent, but then try to avoid doing it. But maybe it’s not messed up, exactly, it’s just feelings are like that. I have a whole bunch of them about liking Sam.’

‘Do you?’ Alex said. ‘But… I thought you just liked him.’

‘Alex, I don’t love that I’m dating someone who lives next door to me, because what if it goes wrong? Sam’s hot, and he’s nice, and I do like him, but I’m also screwed if he meets someone while travelling with his band, or if he decides he doesn’t want a “girl next door” type.’

‘He really likes you,’ Alex said. ‘Like, a lot. Even when he was… Fuck, when he was talking to me, he was asking me permission about dating you more. And I was literally saying he doesn’t have to do that because you wouldn’t like that.’

‘I don’t not like it,’ Haley said, and laughed. ‘I like that he cares enough. But it’s not about that, in a way. He could sign a contract saying he’ll always like me, but I’m still worried, because it’s still new, it’s still a big change in my life. It’s the change that’s hard. Wherever this goes, the change is still huge. And you’ve had a lot of change lately.’

‘I guess,’ Alex said, frowning. ‘It’s funny, when Sam was telling me his story of what he remembered about mom, he said it had to be winter, because she was all rugged up. And I thought about the fact she wore that clothing whenever she was all roughed up and had things to hide.’

Haley’s expression turned pained, but she said nothing. She just nodded and closed her eyes for a moment. They hardly ever talked about this. Alex wanted to bring up missing his mom’s hugs, but he just couldn’t.

‘I’m seeing Tim,’ Alex said finally. ‘He asked me about safety, and when I feel it, and I was like basically never. Except with you, sometimes, and like…sometimes during my job.’

‘But not safe enough. You thought I’d be mad at you for leaving like that, mad enough that you couldn’t look at my texts. Or mad at me, because I changed things too, with Sam?’

‘I’m not mad at you,’ Alex said, feeling caught out. ‘That’d be stupid.’

‘Yeah, sometimes feelings are stupid,’ Haley laughed.

‘Were you mad at me about Sebastian?’

Haley pursed her lips and then traced a spiral shape on the table. She shrugged. ‘I was worried. I mean I told you I was. I wish you’d tell me these things too. Kind of uncool that you won’t.’

‘I’m still worried about it,’ Alex said quietly. He looked at the bouquet. ‘He wants to tell his parents soon. Demetrius is gonna hate me. Some gay no-hoper ruining his son’s reputation or something.’

‘Demetrius isn’t like that,’ Haley said, and sighed. ‘Though, yeah, he might disapprove. He might have disapproved of anyone Sebastian liked, after things with the farmer. He probably wouldn’t even realise it was protective. That situation is so complicated. I know Sebastian and Demetrius don’t get along, and I know there’s a whole lot of stuff there, but Demetrius isn’t like, a bad person.’

‘I know.’

‘Shit, I shouldn’t be giving advice about this. I don’t know how they’re going to react after shit went down with Martingale. I think I’m trying to fix it all. Emily gets annoyed when I try to do that for her.’

‘Emily does it worse,’ Alex said.

‘She so does, and she won’t even listen to me when I tell her that!’

Haley leaned back in the chair, then stretched.

‘Okay, feel better now that I know what’s up. It’s gonna happen again, I think. The quiet space stuff. Getting overwhelmed. Maybe tell Sebastian it happens, too.’

‘I didn’t even think about the quiet space,’ Alex said. ‘It’s been ages.’

He also realised he’d been angry at a lot of things, and punishing everyone without being aware that’s what he’d been doing. He’d been punishing people for change, for expecting him to communicate, for making demands on him when he already felt worn thin, even though he never told them that, and always said he was fine.

He didn’t feel safe in his life, and he hated he might be a big reason that was still true.

‘Fuck,’ he breathed. ‘It is gonna keep happening.’

‘Maybe not forever,’ Haley said gently. ‘Sometimes a new normal isn’t bad, right? Is Sebastian…okay with you?’

‘Yeah, probably better than he should be, given I froze him out for literally days,’ Alex said, feeling tired and ashamed. Yeah, this was the feeling he’d been wanting to avoid after the stupid game. Like he was a worthless sack of shit, and his dad was right about him.

‘I’m sure he’s making mistakes, too,’ Haley said. ‘That’s just how it goes.’

Alex was cleaning Jodi’s tomorrow, and he’d have to talk to her too, make sure she wouldn’t tell anyone anything about him being gay. He was dreading it. But he had to be sure. It wasn’t even for Sebastian anymore. Now he worried it was a possibility he should’ve anticipated.

‘I like your glasses,’ Haley said. ‘I know I’ve said it, but they suit you. So you’re wearing them all the time now?’

‘Mostly,’ Alex said. ‘I just take them off when the headaches start. I think I might have the dyslexia thing because I still have some issues reading, but like, it’s so much better than it used to be.’

He looked over at the bouquet.

‘Flowers are prettier,’ he said. ‘Your nail art looks better from a distance. Everything’s just better, y’know?’

Haley turned the empty glass on the table a few times, looking troubled, and then she closed her eyes.

‘I’m so sorry I never even suggested it,’ she said, her voice strained. ‘I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t even think about something like that. It’s so obvious in retrospect. I feel so bad.’

‘What?’ Alex said, shocked. ‘No! It’s not- That’s not on you. I didn’t think about it either. The fucking teachers should’ve realised, though. Or maybe they even suggested it to Mom at some point, and then, I don’t know, she didn’t say anything, or Dad knocked her back because of the cost of glasses. I don’t know. That’s not your fault. You know that, right? That’s not something I’ve thought. Not once.’

‘That’s good,’ Haley said, still looking unsure. ‘I just wish I could’ve thought of it. Guess it’s silly now, but I’m glad you have the glasses.’

‘If you’re feeling mopey, then I know we’re not doing a good job of hanging out. Let’s go watch something. Come on. You can pick whatever soap opera or reality TV crap you want.’

‘You love the reality TV crap,’ Haley said, springing up.

As they walked to the lounge, Haley reached out and grasped Alex’s hand, looking up at him, something earnest on her face.

‘You’re family to me,’ she said. ‘Whatever happens with Sam, that’s never changing. I’m a package deal. I’ve already told Sam that. You can’t be the third wheel, Alex, just like I won’t be one with you and Sebastian. Okay?’

Alex squeezed her hand and nodded. He wanted to make a joke, say something flippant, but in the end he needed the reassurance, and he didn’t have the heart to make light of it.

*

As they watched TV – Haley with her legs on the couch, curled up with a cushion and yelling at a particular guy every time he came on-screen – Alex got his phone out and composed a message.

Hey, Haley said you thought it was your fault I bailed, but it wasn’t. It was lots of things, not you. I’m sorry I freaked you out. I didn’t realise it would look the way it did, and I’m not angry at you. It was so nice you brought up that memory. Are we cool?

Only two minutes later, Alex got a response.

Totally, brotally, followed by three thumbs up emojis and a smiley face, and then a few seconds later, like Sam had been wavering on it, a little black love heart emoji.

Alex showed Haley his phone.

‘He’s a dork.’

‘Oh yeah,’ Haley said, bursting into laughter. ‘I’ve had to deal with brotally for two weeks. If I say it ironically, it’s going to become a permanent part of my vocab, so I’m staying strong. Wish me luck.’

‘You’re gonna need it,’ Alex said, staring at the response.

Secretly, though, he was relieved. Haley seemed okay. Sebastian seemed okay. Sam seemed okay.

Alex knew he wasn’t okay, and he was going to keep doing something about that.

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Setting Words Upon The Sea':

"‘Okay, okay,’ Alex said. ‘So, you know how we’re technically together…’

‘It’s not a technicality, it’s just how that is,’ Sebastian said.

‘How do I know? Don’t get me wrong, there’s the sex. But we were doing that before. All of this feels like it did before. And I don’t want to be weird or clingy or needy or any of that shit, but like, am I allowed to be closer to you sometimes? Physically? I thought because it’s a cleaning day, probably not, and you just said you have to get back to work, so honestly I-’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, though the words didn’t sting. They were soft, paired with Sebastian standing up and walking over to Alex’s side of the small table, sliding hands around his shoulders, to his chest. ‘You want to be closer?’"

*

Alex opening the door of 'can you touch me more in affectionate ways more often' thinking this is something Sebastian doesn't want, and about to find out that Sebastian is the most tactile motherfucker on the planet actually.

Meanwhile, I'm on Tumblr! I post excerpts to future chapters there, I post a schedule at the beginning of the month showing the specific dates this chapters will go up, sometimes I post memes, and sometimes - like today - I had to post something admitting I just lost The Game. You're welcome. x.x

Chapter 61: Setting Words Upon the Sea

Notes:

Minor armpit play in this one!

Y'all it has been a week but I finally got the date for my Gallium Octreotate PET scan (late July) and then we can finally find out if I have metastatic paraganglioma or if it's a tumour/adenoma (I say 'it' like it's one but it's 8 liver tumours one of which is 4x4x5 cm) they can actually biopsy (you can't biopsy paragangliomas, trust me, as someone who has three of the tumours as we speak, it's the one thing we tell newcomers to our 'rare stupid neuroendocrine tumour' support group. Do. Not. Get. Them. Biopsied. Unless you really love dying.

Our hot water system died and got replaced, huzzah!

Alex cleaned Jodi’s house, like usual, and she talked to him, like usual, except this time Alex was putting off bringing up what he had to bring up. It wasn’t even for Sebastian, because Sebastian made it clear he’d freaked out. Now Alex had a niggle of doubt, because Jodi had a reputation as the town gossip, and Alex wanted to make sure that didn’t bite him in the ass.

But it was hard to know when to bring it up. It wasn’t like Jodi was talking about all the other villagers most of the time when he cleaned. She talked about her childhood, and what high school was like, and found different ways to apologise for what Alex cleaned, like that wasn’t literally his job. He’d have nothing to do if he came and everything was spotless.

Towards the end of the clean, when he was folding laundry, he forced himself to take a couple of deep breaths.

‘Um, actually, I was wondering if I could ask you something?’

‘What?’ Jodi said, looking surprised. ‘Oh! Of course! I know this is all very one-sided. You’re not much of a talker. I’m sorry.’

‘No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…’

Ah, no, there was no easy way to do this. He felt awful.

‘You know how…the other day with Sebastian, you- It’s just…’

He placed the folded socks on top of the washing machine, his skin chilled, even though it wasn’t cold at all. It was sweltering. Cleaning a house with no air conditioning and not a breeze in sight made him want to leave and shower three times in a row.

He probably stunk.

‘What I told you about liking guys, you haven’t told anyone, have you?’ Alex said finally, eyes darting to hers, then looking away again before he could register anything other than her shock. ‘I don’t think you would, right? But, I mean, the town…’

He couldn’t just say she was a gossip, could he? He took a shaking breath.

‘I didn’t even think about it when I told you,’ he said. ‘And maybe I should’ve asked you not to tell anyone then. You haven’t told anyone, right?’

Jodi was silent for a long time, and Alex had to look at her, then felt queasy at the way she looked off at the now-empty laundry hamper. She looked upset. Alex didn’t know if it was because she’d told people, or because she hadn’t. Either option was bad, for different reasons.

‘It’s so funny,’ Jodi said finally, her voice quieter and slower than usual. ‘Oh, it’s funny, isn’t it? I got the reputation for being a gossip all the way back in high school, and – admittedly – I was one back then. I’m awkward, and a bit silly, and I suppose gossip was my social currency. People like drama and things like that, and they want a story, so I just made sure I had some.’

Jodi’s hand reached out and rested on the dryer, fingers flexing a couple of times.

‘Alex, what can you tell me about what my husband went through in the war?’

Alex’s mind went blank. ‘What? Uh, sorry, I beg your pardon?’

‘Anything?’ she said. She looked at him, expression serious, and Alex’s mouth opened. He felt stupid as he tried to think of anything at all. He only knew Kent went to fight in a war, and he was back now. Everyone knew he had some post-trauma, but that was because Kent still wore his camo, he had a weird sleeping schedule, and Marnie once passed him mayonnaise at the Luau and he freaked the fuck out and then weakly said it reminded him of some bad stuff and didn’t explain what.

‘He doesn’t like mayonnaise?’ Alex said.

Jodi’s smile didn’t contain any humour, but she nodded.

‘The Luau,’ she said. ‘He felt so humiliated. Anyway, don’t you think if I was really in the habit of spilling everyone’s secrets, maybe you’d know more about what Kent went through? I know you don’t socialise much, but everything flows in a town this small. You’d still find out something if I was betraying his trust like that.’

Alex gulped. Shit. Shit. He’d fucked up.

‘Jodi, I’m so s-’

Jodi held up a hand and shook her head and sighed. ‘I know. I’m not even angry, really. Just disappointed. I don’t even think it’s all directed at you! It must have been weighing on your mind a lot. It makes sense you’d be worried, that you’d have to check. That’s a big thing to share with someone! I felt so- so honoured that you’d share it with me! You know, that night, I thought maybe my reputation wasn’t as bad as it used to be that you shared something so important with me.’

Oh shit. Oh, no. Alex turned away. Because fuck, when was the last time a mom had talked to him like this? And Jodi was basically his friend, in a way, even if she employed him. She’d shared personal things with him. Important things.

‘This is stupid,’ Alex said, panicking. ‘I shouldn’t have brought it up. I’m sorry.’

‘It’s not stupid,’ Jodi said, and gave Alex a grimace-smile. ‘It’s not. It’s my own… Well. I’m nowhere near my teenage self! But isn’t it funny how reputations follow us? I’ll have to convince Kent to make sure the town doesn’t put “Town Gossip” on my grave.’

‘Jodi…’

‘I haven’t told anyone about what you’ve shared with me,’ Jodi said with a weak smile. ‘I wouldn’t. I promise.’

‘You’re so right about Kent. I didn’t even think. I didn’t even want to ask you. I felt- I was just…’

‘…Worried,’ Jodi said, her smile more genuine now, though still sad. ‘I understand, sweetheart.’

Alex wanted to keep apologising, and didn’t know what to do. He folded up the rest of the clothing, and Jodi didn’t talk, and Alex was so scared he’d ruined something he didn’t even know was good until he’d marred it.

When he put the clothing away, Jodi placed a hand on his shoulder, startling him.

‘Look at you,’ she said. ‘We can’t have you moping like this, Alex. Come here. It’s okay. I’m not mad, remember? I just needed a moment to get over it. And you must have been stressed too!’

She pulled him against her, arms strong around him.

‘I shouldn’t have spoken the way I did when Sebastian came to visit you,’ she said. ‘I was just thinking about that, and realised exactly what must have scared you. I’m sorry, too.’

Alex tentatively returned the hug. He couldn’t stop thinking about Sam’s story, about how Jodi’s hugs were good, but Alex’s mom’s were the best. But in that moment, Jodi’s hugs were the best he’d had since he was young, and he inhaled the scent of jasmine, the tea she liked to brew when he came over.

‘Thanks,’ he said, as they moved apart. Jodi smiled warmly and reached up and twitched at Alex’s hair, like she was pushing some of it back into place.

‘It’s Sam’s birthday tomorrow,’ Jodi said. ‘Do you think you could help me hang some string lights before you leave? In the kitchen? It’s okay if you can’t. Kent said he’d do it!’

‘I’d love to,’ Alex said. He had time to spare anyway, and he felt relieved she seemed to be in a better place about it all.

On the short walk home, he pulled on his shirt to peel it away from his sweaty torso and get some air underneath. He was dying for a shower. He realised Jodi had hugged him even while he was wet and disgusting and she hadn’t even complained.

For an awkward person, that was pretty damned graceful.

*

Sebastian’s house hardly needed cleaning on Wednesday, and all the tasks flew by. Alex looked at Sebastian sometimes as he moved through the house, vacuuming, mopping, going back and forth to the laundry. Sometimes Sebastian looked at him too, but in that distracted way which meant he was deep in the weeds of his work. Alex knew now that Sebastian went into some coding zone where he’d lose track of time. He probably forgot Alex was even there sometimes.

It was nice, in a way.

By the end of his shift, he was surprised to see Sebastian standing over a stove, cooking what looked like noodles, with two bowls on the counter, side by side.

‘You’re kind of a carb guy, aren’t you?’ Alex said, thinking about the sandwiches and the burger Sebastian ordered in Zuzu.

‘You don’t like noodles?’ Sebastian said, looking at him, tilting his head. ‘Who doesn’t like noodles?’

‘I like them. Just…’

‘-Then make me a salad, sometime,’ Sebastian said. ‘As long as it doesn’t have mushrooms, most root vegetables, most greens, and, er…’

‘Damn.’

‘Look, I’ve lived this long. I’m not about to keel over anytime soon.’

Alex had seen how fit Sebastian was, after all that fighting in caves and using his home gym. He had no complaints. It just felt super-indulgent, especially after all the sandwiches.

‘Also I talked to Jodi,’ Alex said, leaning against the counter and watching Sebastian stirring noodles in the pot. ‘She dressed me down, actually, in the nicest mom-like way ever. But she pointed out that no one knows what Kent went through in the war because she’s not what everyone thinks she is.’

The stirring slowed and then stopped. When Sebastian looked at Alex, his expression seemed regretful.

‘This is my fault,’ he said. ‘But it does…help.’

‘Really?’ Alex said.

‘It does,’ Sebastian sighed. ‘I know that’s a pain. But it does. She’s not super angry with you, is she?’

‘Nah. I think I hurt her feelings though. She seemed way better about it than she had to be, in the end.’

‘I guess once the town knows, we won’t have to worry about this stuff anymore,’ Sebastian said, staring down at the pot of noodles like they held answers. ‘There’ll just be all the new shit to worry about.’

Alex wished he could make this easier for Sebastian. He was scared, too. The reality was they just didn’t know how the town was going to react. Neither of them liked to draw attention to themselves. Sebastian was private, and Alex didn’t like any kind of negative attention.

‘Go sit,’ Sebastian said eventually. ‘This is basically ready to serve.’

The noodles ended up being really good, and Sebastian talked about how he’d visited Sam earlier in the evening and had a lot of work to catch up on because of it. Alex thought about the bouquet back at his grandparents’ house, and wondered at what point they transitioned from friends-with-benefits to a relationship, and how to know the difference.

Maybe he should ask.

‘I want to tell my parents this Friday,’ Sebastian said. ‘I know it’s soon. But it’s Demetrius’ birthday, and I’m going over, anyway. And that way, there’s something else for him to focus on. I thought we could tell them maybe after dinner?’

‘You want me to have dinner at your parent’s place?’

‘Yeah, and the hardest part will come after dinner,’ Sebastian stressed. ‘That way we can get out of there if it doesn’t go well.’

That didn’t help Alex feel less anxious at all. He supposed he had a session with Tim on Friday afternoon, he could talk to him about it. But it also meant he’d be doing this on less sleep than usual. But all he had to do was stand there while Sebastian said they were in a relationship, and smile, and do whatever people did in that moment.

‘You can’t even pretend it’s gonna go well, can you?’ Alex said.

‘I can’t,’ Sebastian said. ‘I wish I could. Maybe they’ll be fine. The main thing is we don’t have to stay there. And then, from there, I don’t know. Who do you want to tell next?’

‘Jodi, probably,’ Alex said. ‘And Willy. I get along with them best. After that, I don’t really care.’

Sebastian nodded and Alex nodded, and wanted to be physically closer to Sebastian, and didn’t know if that crossed lines. Alex was there for his work shift, but that part was over now. And if they were boyfriends, then did Alex always have to sit opposite Sebastian like this?

‘What’s on your mind?’ Sebastian asked.

‘Nothing.’

Sebastian gave him a look, and Alex winced. Yeah. Not talking about shit hadn’t done him any favours recently.

‘Okay, okay,’ Alex said. ‘So, you know how we’re technically together…’

‘It’s not a technicality, it’s just how that is,’ Sebastian said.

‘How do I know? Don’t get me wrong, there’s the sex. But we were doing that before. All of this feels like it did before. And I don’t want to be weird or clingy or needy or any of that shit, but like, am I allowed to be closer to you sometimes? Physically? I thought because it’s a cleaning day, probably not, and you just said you have to get back to work, so honestly I-’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, though the words didn’t sting. They were soft, paired with Sebastian standing up and walking over to Alex’s side of the small table, sliding hands around his shoulders, to his chest. ‘You want to be closer?’

‘Feels dumb to mention it,’ Alex said, even as he reached up and grasped one of Sebastian’s hands in his own.

Could he just…do that now? He’d never come from a demonstrative family. His mom and dad didn’t kiss in front of him, and he suspected anything sexual that ever happened wasn’t something his mom really wanted, at least not anymore. He tried not to think about that side of things much.

‘I know you have to get back to work,’ Alex added.

‘I do,’ Sebastian said, sliding his free hand down Alex’s pectoral muscle and cupping it, grasping it like someone would grope a woman’s breast. It felt weird and possessive, and hot at the same time. ‘But we’ve got a bit of time.’

‘It’s allowed, right?’

Sebastian’s laugh was low. He bumped his chin into the top of Alex’s head. ‘Yeah. It’s allowed.’

‘Just don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Do you like kissing?’

Sebastian laughed again, like the whole conversation was amusing, but it didn’t seem to be at Alex’s expense. He encouraged Alex out of the chair and leaned in to kiss him, and Alex thought that wasn’t fair, actually, because he was the one who wanted to do it first. He was sure Sebastian hadn’t been thinking about it as much as he had.

He reached up and slid his fingers into Sebastian’s hair, felt hair product – stiff and faintly sticky – on his fingers, and didn’t care. Sebastian’s eyes opened, searched Alex’s, and he smirked like it was a challenge.

When they kissed, Alex thought he’d have control, but he ceded and opened his mouth to Sebastian’s tongue in less than five seconds. He didn’t care about the taste, the flavour of the noodles fading to the nothingness of shared saliva, and the thrilling feeling of Sebastian’s tongue rubbing firmly over his, fucking into his mouth. Alex’s hand tightened in Sebastian’s hair. He grasped his hip, leaned in, then forgot he could breathe through his nose, and broke away to gasp.

‘Like that?’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah. I’m messing up your hair.’

‘I don’t mind. If I had it my way, you’d be staying for another few hours so I could mess you up properly, but we don’t have time.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Also I’m sweaty.’

Sebastian exhaled sharply and slid a hand beneath Alex’s shirt, along his flank, fingers digging up into his armpits. Alex stared at Sebastian in surprise, his mouth dropping open. He grunted softly when Sebastian’s thumb massaged a firm circle into tight muscles, sensitive skin, his armpit hair. It was shocking, even if Sebastian had done this before.

‘It’s more than you just not being used to this stuff,’ Sebastian said, stepping closer and mouthing the side of Alex’s neck, making him reach out to steady himself by grabbing the top of the chair. ‘Like it’s so weird to you that I want to touch you here.’

He wiggled his fingers into Alex’s armpit, and Alex made the most undignified sound at the sudden ticklishness.

‘Hey,’ Alex managed.

‘Hey, yourself,’ Sebastian said into Alex’s ear, making him shiver.

And now Alex’s dick was hard, and he wanted to do more. Damn it.

‘It’s sweaty,’ Alex said.

‘I like it. You smell good. And the skin here’s all sensitive, isn’t it?’ Fingers pressed up and in, and it was a dull ache and acute all at the same time. Sebastian talked into his ear and melted most of his thoughts.

‘I want to stay,’ Alex said, feeling like he had no filter on his mouth.

‘Yeah, I want that too, but work calls. If you stay, I’m really not going to get anything done. I’m just going to do you instead.’

‘Smooth,’ Alex said, and laughed.

Sebastian kissed his way from Alex’s jaw to his mouth, before biting his lower lip, pulling it slightly, slipping his tongue in to soothe. Alex’s hand dropped to the back of Sebastian’s neck, keeping him in place.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, when he pulled back, ‘how are you after the whole butt plug thing?’

‘Fine,’ Alex managed, clearing his throat, pressing closer to Sebastian. ‘Was painful for a day and then it was fine. I’d do it again. With like, more lube.’

‘You’re such a fucking masochist.’ It wasn’t an insult. Sebastian sounded delighted.

‘Shut up. You could be less of a douche.’

‘You’d hate it,’ Sebastian laughed, biting Alex’s shoulder through his shirt. ‘If I was all soft and sweet to you, and covered you in little butterfly kisses, and made nothing hurt ever.’

The butterfly kisses didn’t sound so bad. But even if Alex got used to being fucked and it stopped hurting, he wanted to be pressed down hard; he wanted to be pushed against furniture. He even liked the ache in his armpit that felt faintly bruising and invasive, made him feel owned, like he was strong enough to be possessed.

‘What’s wrong with butterfly kisses?’ Alex said finally. ‘If you still hurt me?’

Sebastian’s breathing hitched, and he pressed his lips softly against Alex’s. When he drew back, Alex’s eyes opened.

‘Please keep talking to me like this,’ Sebastian said. It was the last thing Alex expected him to say. ‘I like it. A lot.’

‘Even when it’s dumb?’

‘I like all of it. Just tell me stuff. It’s better to actually get to know you, instead of like, the assumptions I have about you.’

‘Right,’ Alex said, nervous suddenly. ‘Even if it’s really weird?’

‘I’m really weird,’ Sebastian laughed, leaning in and kissing Alex’s mouth gently again, before stepping back and looking at his computer with a sigh. ‘I told you I liked to be possessive and rough. You don’t think that wasn’t scary for me to share?’

‘I mean, that sounds way more manly than me saying I don’t mind butterfly kisses. I think. I don’t know much about them.’

Sebastian reached up to his own hair and rolled his eyes when he realised how much Alex had messed it up. He absently fussed with it, and Alex moved his shirt and felt the ache of Sebastian’s fingers still pushing up into his armpit, massaging it, turning it into a weird erogenous zone.

‘It’s not about being manly,’ Sebastian said. His eyes raked Alex from top to bottom, and he smirked. ‘I’m not about to forget you’re a guy.’

Alex pushed his chair in and took the dishes to the sink, biting his top lip, wincing as his dick chafed in his shorts.

‘I’m so fucking hard,’ Alex said absently. ‘This sucks.’

‘I know,’ Sebastian said. ‘And if I was a nicer guy, I’d jerk you off or something, but I really have to work. I let you do your work without mauling you.’

‘So you’re a good boss, but you’re a mean boyfriend.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian laughed. ‘That’s it. Don’t be too mad. We’re not going to run out of opportunities to fuck. You’ll live.’

Alex made a grumbling sound, but secretly he was pleased they’d done any of this at all. He’d fully expected to just go home after eating the noodles with no kissing, no talking, nothing. This was way more than he expected. It was…good.

Scary as fuck, but amazing.

As long as he didn’t think about the fact that he’d be coming out to Sebastian’s parents in two days, he’d be fine.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Crawling Under Rocks and Climbing Into Holes":

"‘So, if you want to try feeling safer in the world sometimes – just sometimes – what do you think you could tell yourself, so you feel safer in yourself?’

‘Fuck you,’ Alex said.

The words just came. They just appeared. And Alex heard them like they filtered in from a distance, and then he clapped a hand over his mouth, the slap loud enough that it was audible. ‘Oh fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,’ Alex gasped. ‘Shit, I’m so- I didn’t mean to. It just-’

Tim held up both of his hands and looked worried, but not angry, and not offended.

‘It’s okay, Alex,’ Tim said. ‘Sometimes I’m going to ask things or say things that feel threatening or bad. I don’t always know what they’re going to be until I say them, and until the other person reacts. I didn’t think it would feel so bad for you to imagine saying something nicer to yourself.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, I'm trying to think of something clever to say here but I'm really tired, so I'm just snuggling into my hoodie instead

Chapter 62: Crawling Under Rocks and Climbing Into Holes

Notes:

Woke up with food poisoning this morning but I seem to have recovered enough to be mostly upright and sipping at a sports drink and water to recover! Though I did just have a moment of 'gosh I'm too tired for exclamation marks' lol

Time for Alex to have some emergency therapy before the dinner with Sebastian's parents, which is...about as messy as something like this probably would be given it's only a second full session before something extremely stressful

Alex yawned as he walked into the clinic, and to his surprise, Tim stood at the counter waiting for him, talking to Harvey. Alex rubbed at his face, tried to look awake, and did a dismal job. Tim frowned.

‘Are you doing all right?’

‘It’s like three in the morning for me. Or four. Or…something. I’m okay.’

Harvey drummed his fingers on the desk behind the counter. ‘We might need to talk about how long you want to keep working night shifts like this, especially now that you’re not doing deliveries for Lewis.’

‘Yep,’ Alex said, standing there, forcing himself to breathe slowly. Great. Facing down a doctor and a psychologist at the same time made him want to spin on his heel and walk straight out again. It helped that Tim wasn’t in clothing that made him seem intimidating. Today he wore proper hiking boots, khakis that had seen better days, and a dark yellow shirt with an embroidered fish in the top left corner, above the shirt pocket.

‘Let’s head out,’ Tim said, and smiled a goodbye at Harvey, who nodded a goodbye at both of them.

Alex’s shoulders relaxed as they walked out, but it was also day, and he didn’t want anyone to see him with Tim. Thinking about that, his shoulders hunched again. Shit. He hadn’t thought about this part. Maybe he should’ve just had the session in the clinic.

‘Can we go to my place? Is that weird?’ Alex said.

‘Nope,’ Tim said.

‘It’s literally just there,’ Alex said, pointing to the house of his grandparents.

‘Wow. That’s where you live? I always walked past that house and imagined it’d be the perfect place to live. Between the town, the river, the beach, the Community Centre, walking distance to everything.’

You can have it if you want.

The thought shocked him, and he frowned as he let them both inside. Ceiling fans kept the place cool, not sweltering. The house was aired out and clean, and flowers were in their little vase on the windowsill from the day before. The bouquet was still there, but Alex wasn’t sure if Tim would know what that meant. Though he clocked the way Tim looked at it, as Alex made iced tea for Tim, and a strong coffee for himself.

‘Is this your house?’ Tim asked, looking around.

‘It’s my grandparents’ house, but it’s mine now,’ Alex said.

‘It’s big for one person.’

‘It sure is,’ Alex said, handing Tim his iced tea. They sat at the table, and Tim was in Alex’s seat, because he didn’t know that’s where Alex usually sat. Alex sat in Haley’s seat. It was interesting looking at the house from her perspective.

‘It’s strange to conduct therapy in someone’s house like this,’ Tim said, after taking a couple of sips. He sighed, refreshed. ‘Oh, that’s good. Now, if you feel unsafe, or need a breather, we can move rooms, or go outside, or I can leave. I don’t want you to feel trapped in here with me. You can also leave or walk away. Sound good?’

Alex nodded, and stared down at the table.

‘So, you got in touch about bringing a session forward? May I ask why?’

Alex felt like everything was stupid now, and he stared at the small vase on the windowsill and thought of his grandma. She’d want him to see a therapist and talk about this stuff. Maybe.

‘This is embarrassing,’ Alex said. ‘I said it wasn’t urgent.’

‘Sure, maybe it’s time sensitive?’

Alex nodded. That was it. The situation was time sensitive.

‘I’m…seeing that guy,’ Alex said, looking at the bouquet. ‘And he’s got some personal stuff. He used to be married and then the other guy divorced him with witchcraft without even telling him he was going to do it. Which is a whole…thing. Can people get divorced where you live?’

‘I don’t live that far away,’ Tim said, and smiled wryly. ‘“Divorce by witchcraft” isn’t something I’m a stranger to. I know it can be traumatic.’

‘Uh huh,’ Alex said. ‘Yeah. Well. And now he wants to tell his parents about us. But I sort of realised before that, I find parents really scary. Which is maybe the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. So now I’m just terrified. Also, his stepdad is like, the guy who I had to- The guy I had to… He’s the reason I quit that cleaning job. You know, the one who- The one who you said you wouldn’t give much weight to.’

Tim nodded slowly. ‘I see. I see. When is your partner wanting to tell his parents about your relationship?’

‘In like five or six hours. Um, it’s also Demetrius’ – the stepdad’s – birthday.’

Tim gave a laugh that was quiet but incredulous. Alex didn’t feel like he was being laughed at. He weirdly felt like Tim understood why this was a difficult situation.

‘Are you okay if I ask some clarifying questions?’ Tim said, and Alex shrugged. He didn’t know why Tim bothered checking at all.

‘Yep.’

‘Do you feel pressured into this decision?’

‘Uh, I don’t know. Maybe. I think I would at any time. That whole fuck-ass “being scared of parents” thing. Even if I got to choose the time and the method, still gonna feel like I’m being pressured, right?’

‘Right. That’s helpful to know,’ Tim said, like it really was. ‘Do you feel you’ve been coerced into doing this by your partner?’

Partner felt so official. Alex kind of loved the term. He held it in his hands, fragile and made of glass. Boyfriends felt weirdly juvenile by comparison, but he liked that too.

‘No,’ Alex said, ‘but it’s complicated. Sebastian’s got a lot of stuff, like I said. He hasn’t been in a relationship since the divorce, and he left town after it for a few years. He wants to control how his parents find out about us. And I don’t want him to be stressed about it. He’s done a lot to help me be less stressed about stuff. I’m just…stressed a lot, I guess. Dumb, huh?’

‘I don’t think that’s dumb at all,’ Tim said, leaning back in his chair. He took big, slow breaths, and Alex watched him covertly, and chewed the inside of his lip. He wanted to relax, too. Especially with how tired he was. ‘If you told Sebastian you weren’t up to it tonight, and-’

‘-They also don’t know I’m gay,’ Alex said in a rush.

Tim just nodded.

‘No one in the town knows except like…a handful of other people. But not them.’

‘So it’s not just a relationship reveal, it’s also you revealing you’re gay for the first time to the parents of the guy who gave you that bouquet,’ Tim said. ‘Alex, I can really see why this would stress you out after what you shared with me in our last appointment. Do you have any thoughts about that?’

Alex’s thoughts screeched to a halt. It was like he’d never had a thought in his entire life. There was just a black, rushing noise in his mind, and he sat there, struck dumb, until it felt like his brain rebooted.

‘Um,’ he said, to buy himself time.

‘I’m sorry,’ Tim said, startling Alex. ‘You have little reason to feel safe around me or trust me yet. You don’t have to answer that. I’ll be more transparent, okay? I’m trying to find out if your partner is trustworthy, and if he’s pressuring you into something that’s going to hurt you, and if there’s a way to make this situation less frightening for you. I don’t know what that way is yet. I’m still getting to know you and your situation. I think you have some understandable fears, given what you’ve told me about your childhood. I also feel you might try to carry more blame and guilt in this if it goes wrong, than is probably fair or appropriate, because of your childhood and the fact that you have a strength in caring for others.’

‘I do?’ Alex said, staring at him.

‘Sure you do,’ Tim said. ‘So far, you always check to see if the place we go for the session is okay with me. You gave me a choice of drinks and made sure I had something refreshing before we started. You’ve told me about at least a couple of situations where you were worried about how others were feeling. I know some of that is anxiety, but some of it is that you care for people, and their comfort.’

Tim’s expression shifted. He sat straighter and leaned forward. His expression serious. 

‘That’s a hard strength when you don’t care for yourself in the same way,’ he said.

The sentence sat there between them, and Alex didn’t know what to say for a while. He appreciated Tim laying out what he was trying to do, because Alex could see a trajectory now. The questions made sense, and he drank half the coffee and pushed his chair out, stood up, and walked over to the bouquet.

‘You said I could move,’ Alex said, double checking.

‘I did,’ Tim said.

‘Okay. Cool. Look, Sebastian can be pushy, but I like that. A lot. But with this stuff, it’s… I want the town to know about us. I’ve put pressure on him. I’m the one who wants the relationship to feel more real. I’m the one who wants more signs he…likes me like that. I haven’t tried to be mean about it, but Sebastian seems to go with the flow, and…I’ve never been in a relationship before. So he doesn’t want to be fenced in, because of things with Martingale – his ex – and I want people to know, because this is my first relationship. With anyone.’

Alex turned to check Tim was listening, and Tim nodded, and Alex nodded and stared down at the flowers. It was hard to imagine Sebastian in all of his black, dumb, goth clothing, walking around and picking the flowers for the bouquet. It made Alex feel good to think about.

‘There was a situation where I came out to a person I really like, but she’s been known as the town gossip for a long time. I didn’t think about that when I came out, because I trust her, but Sebastian freaked. Like, he really freaked out. That’s why I didn’t talk to him for a few days. I was… I was mad at him. He apologised, said we could talk about it. He apologised more than once, even.’

Alex leaned against the counter, turned his back to the bouquet, and looked around the house.

‘I hate being mad,’ Alex said. ‘I just wanted it all to go away. But we talked. And Sebastian gave me the bouquet. He already had it planned. It’s wild to think if I’d just talked to him… Anyway. You talked about safety last time. I don’t think Sebastian feels safe when he feels trapped in a relationship he’s not ready for. But he’s still been trying to give me the…feeling that the relationship means something to him.’

‘Do you think he’s been trying to give you security?’ Tim asked.

Alex nodded. Security was a good word for it.

‘Part of that is him telling his parents,’ Alex said. ‘He said he won’t mind if the rest of the town knows once his parents know. The reason he’s doing it so soon is because of me, my…not talking to him. Actually, I’ve been a dickhead lately. Are you going to tell me to break up with him now?’

‘It doesn’t work like that,’ Tim said, and smiled. Alex came back over and sat again, sighing explosively. This stuff was so fucking hard. ‘I’m interested to know if you think you should break up with him, because you’ve been a quote-unquote dickhead to him.’

‘I don’t want to,’ Alex said, ‘but sometimes…I don’t know. I feel selfish.’

‘It’s not selfish to want people to care for you, or to want to be in a relationship.’

‘It is if I’m mean to those people.’

‘Everyone can be a little mean sometimes,’ Tim said. ‘The main thing is whether or not it’s intentional, and how much it hurts, and how much the person makes real amends to you after. Too much meanness, even when it’s unintentional, isn’t great for us to be around as people. But you said before you were angry at him. That you don’t like being angry. Can we talk about that?’

Alex’s jaw worked. This wasn’t why he’d brought the session forward.  

‘I don’t want to talk about my dad,’ he said, finally.

‘All right,’ Tim said. ‘We don’t have to talk about him.’

‘There’s no way to talk about this without talking about him,’ Alex said, gritting his teeth together. This subject…

Even the subject made him mad.

‘I just want to get rid of the emotion,’ Alex said tightly.

‘Anger?’

‘Yep.’

‘Okay.’ Tim was quiet for a long time. So long it got fucking awkward. And then: ‘Alex, you know that’s not really possible, don’t you?’

Alex’s knuckles ached under the table, his fingers squeezed into his palms.

‘Anger’s a funny thing,’ Tim said. ‘And a hard thing. It gets even harder when you’ve been around mean anger. It’s harder when you’re a man, and the world says that’s one of the few emotions you’re allowed. It’s harder when you’ve been mean or angry, and you know how much you can hurt people with it. But it can help us fight our battles. It helps us defend ourselves and the people we love. It can be something that secures safety. Ultimately, it’s only a feeling. It’s what we do with it that matters.’

‘Like beating someone,’ Alex said, and stared numbly at the table.

‘Have you done that?’

Tim’s voice was neutral. It didn’t sound judgemental at all. Alex wondered if Tim ever talked to people like his dad.

‘Sebastian and I used to beat on each other in high school,’ Alex said finally. ‘I hated him. And then I kind of…fell for him and still hated him.’

‘I see,’ Tim said. ‘That’s a big subject. Do you think that’s really crucial to what we’re talking about today? Or could we table that for another session?’

‘We can table it,’ Alex said. ‘Sebastian and I have talked about it. A lot has changed.’

‘All right,’ Tim said.

‘But…even without that,’ Alex said, ‘when he freaked out on me, I just- He wanted to talk. He said he over-reacted. And I kicked him out and refused to talk to him for days. I froze out nearly everyone. It was like I got mad at the whole town. And I didn’t want to be, so I just hid until it went away. That was when we had that session. When you said I was a tough customer.’

‘Were you angry at me too?’ Tim said thoughtfully.

‘Isn’t that fucking dumb?’

‘No,’ Tim said. ‘Sometimes when we have an emotion like that, and it’s not being expressed, it sort of spills over. I have an analogy. Say you have a sink, like that kitchen sink over there.’

‘Sure,’ Alex said.

‘Do you mind if I stand?’

‘Go for it.’ This seemed stupid, but whatever, Alex could put up with an analogy.

‘So, the water is your anger, or any strong emotion. Sometimes we have only a little.’ Tim walked over and turned on the tap, so only a little water came out. ‘That drains nice and easy. Sometimes we have a lot.’

He turned the tap on nearly full. Alex’s mouth tensed.

‘And in a sink that has a good drain, we can handle that too. It sounds loud. It feels like a lot, but it still goes away. It moves on. But what if the drain is clogged? Or worse, plugged up?’

‘Then the water overflows,’ Alex said.

‘Right,’ Tim said, turning off the tap. ‘The analogy is that anger, on its own, naturally wants to move on if it’s allowed an outlet. In a sink, that outlet is a safe drain, kept nice and clear. In some people, their sinks are clogged, or even plugged, and their anger spills out everywhere, onto everyone. Or it floods a house. You feel it all the time. Or you walk through someone else’s anger, like someone would walk through water on the floor. You ever experienced that?’

Alex glared at the table. Okay, good fucking analogy, but that was underhanded.

‘You know I have,’ Alex said darkly.

Tim came and sat down again. ‘That anger’s still there, isn’t it?’

‘Yep.’

‘So what’s the state of your sink, Alex?’

Alex’s chest felt tight when he breathed in, and it didn’t get better as he kept breathing. His eyes felt scratchy. He didn’t want to know this about himself.

‘I think it’s all over the fucking floor. The water. My anger. Whatever. Like my dad.’

‘Why do you think that?’

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t want to be like this. But I think I’ve been like this for a long time. I’m even angry at my mom now. I never wanted to be angry with her. I don’t enjoy being this way. And it fixes nothing. I’m still- I’m still so- Like tonight, I’m not okay about tonight. I’m just fucking scared, like some coward.’

Tim nodded, and Alex glared at him, and Tim didn’t glare back. If anything, he just smiled and looked kind of sad.

‘I really appreciate that you want to fix this,’ Tim said, ‘but these are a lot of big things, and unfortunately the sink analogy doesn’t cover everything. We can’t just get a plumber out for the day. This one will take time. I think it’s interesting though, you’re scared of tonight, but do you see where your anger is going, who it’s spilling on most?’

Alex didn’t know what Tim meant, then played his own words back in his head, the way he called himself a coward, and sighed.

‘Shit,’ he said. ‘Me being mean to myself?’

‘Yeah, exactly that. Is that something Sebastian would call you? A coward?’

‘No,’ Alex said.

‘What about one of your friends you feel safe around? Like Haley?’

‘No,’ Alex said.

‘So, if you want to try feeling safer in the world sometimes – just sometimes – what do you think you could tell yourself, so you feel safer in yourself?’

‘Fuck you,’ Alex said.

The words just came. They just appeared. And Alex heard them like they filtered in from a distance, and then he clapped a hand over his mouth, the slap loud enough that it was audible. ‘Oh fuck. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,’ Alex gasped. ‘Shit, I’m so- I didn’t mean to. It just-’

Tim held up both of his hands and looked worried, but not angry, and not offended.

‘It’s okay, Alex,’ Tim said. ‘Sometimes I’m going to ask things or say things that feel threatening or bad. I don’t always know what they’re going to be until I say them, and until the other person reacts. I didn’t think it would feel so bad for you to imagine saying something nicer to yourself.’

Alex hadn’t removed his hand from his mouth yet, staring at him. Tim lowered his hands, and Alex felt so fucked up, so stupid.

‘I just want to know how to survive tonight,’ Alex said, exhausted. ‘That’s all.’

‘All right,’ Tim said. ‘Then let’s talk strategies, and we’ll table all of this for another time. How does that sound?’

Profound relief swept through Alex. He felt like a curtain had peeled back and showed him a blast site, just pure wreckage inside him, and it was confronting, frightening, and if he focused on that now, he’d definitely not be in a better place when Robin and Demetrius found out he was gay and seeing their son.

Yeah, he wasn’t running away from the truth, he was just prioritising.

That’s what he was doing.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Trust and the Lack Of It"

"She thinks I’m violent. Because I was violent. Because I’m violent.

‘Maybe I should go,’ Alex said.

‘No, stay,’ Demetrius said.

‘Seb,’ Robin said, and Alex was finding it really annoying that she never said his full fucking name, ‘in the beginning of a relationship, in that honeymoon period, it’s easy to miss red flags.’

It’s just one night, Alex told himself. Just one night and maybe like ten more minutes, judging by how this conversation is going.

‘You could trust me,’ Sebastian said sharply.

‘You’re the only person who’s ever been divorced in the Valley,’ Robin said, looking heartbroken. ‘The only one. Sebby, what am I supposed to think, when you rush into-’"

*

I'm on Tumblr! It's raining so hard right now the back garden is flooded, winter in Perth is like days of relentless sunshine followed by the THUD of about a month's worth of rain arriving in one hour.

Chapter 63: Trust and the Lack Of It

Notes:

Posting a week early (for anyone who knows about the schedule lmao)! Three weeks seemed like too long to wait, especially before this chapterrrr *screams into hands just a little*

It's been raining so hard today that it's kind of a miracle we have power sdlakj

Alex sat down at the dinner table with Sebastian, smiling thinly at Maru, thinking the last time he’d worn this particular dress shirt, he might have been attending one of the very last appointments with the hospital doctors before Grandma Evelyn died. But it was one of the few button-up shirts he had, and it wasn’t black, and he knew everyone would think of the funeral if he wore black.

So far, everything had been small talk between Sebastian and his mom, while Demetrius and Maru worked in the laboratory, and Alex sat at the kitchen table and nodded and smiled during a conversation he wasn’t a part of, like he was a part of what was happening. Maru came to sit down first. Demetrius must have been finishing up.

Alex didn’t know what to bring as a present, and Sebastian handed Alex the basket of strawberries he’d prepared before they’d left, and kept two presents wrapped in nice, black wrapping paper for himself. He’d placed them on the dinner table when they arrived, instead of going into the laboratory to give them directly to Demetrius. The lab was a no-go zone for everyone except Maru.

Mentally, Alex went through what he’d talked about with Tim. It was just one night. In a few hours, it’d be over. If anything went wrong, they could course correct later. It wasn’t the end of the world. Alex was allowed to be gay, and he was allowed to be in a relationship, and he was also allowed to speak up for himself – not that Alex would – or walk out if someone was disrespectful.

Alex still felt terrified. Parents. Sitting at a dinner table. His heart was in his throat. This was the kind of thing he’d been avoiding all his life. Some of the worst times his dad flew off the handle – outside of coming home shit-faced – was around a dinner table, making small talk until something went really wrong.

Alex wanted to hold Sebastian’s hand beneath the table, but he felt like he was under surveillance.

This is for Sebastian, Alex told himself. Focus on that.

Slowly, by degrees, Alex remembered how to turn up what little charm he had. He asked about Robin’s carpentry, Maru’s robotics, and it felt weird to be sitting there as a guest instead of working there as a cleaner.

Alex wished they could get it all out of the way now, but Sebastian said it would be best to wait to tell them they were dating until after dinner.

Great. So Alex could have endless opportunities to fuck things up. He knew that wasn’t the point, but the panic wouldn’t leave him. He’d just have to deal with it.

*

Dinner was spaghetti with garlic bread and a salad that Sebastian picked all the greens out of, placing them on Alex’s plate without thinking about it. Demetrius watched everything like a laser, but then he’d stop and compliment Robin on the food, or ask Maru what she thought about the latest reagents, or some other shit, and he didn’t seem…mean.

Great, so it’s just me then.

It was when the rice pudding came out that Sebastian reached under the table and squeezed Alex’s hand. They shared a look, and Alex didn’t know what else to do, except wait. A natural lull in the conversation had formed, only broken by Demetrius saying the rice pudding and homemade strawberry jam looked amazing, and Maru laughing and saying Demetrius said that every time Robin made it.

‘Uh, so, before we do presents, I have some news,’ Sebastian said.

Maru seemed excited, but she stayed quiet.

‘Are you moving again?’ Demetrius said, leaving his spoon beside the rice pudding.

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s not that. I wanted to say…’

Sebastian squeezed Alex’s hand so hard that it hurt, and Alex looked over at him, distracted from his own zoning out, surprised at how pale Sebastian looked.

Alex squeezed back. They didn’t have to do this. Sebastian knew that, right?

‘I’m in a relationship,’ Sebastian said, his voice thin. He took a shallow breath, and then a deeper one. ‘It’s pretty serious.’

A brief, clattering alarm in Alex that he and Sebastian hadn’t talked nearly enough about just how serious their relationship was.

‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ Robin said, and beamed. ‘Who with?’

Sebastian’s laugh was a single exhale, like he couldn’t believe what she’d asked. After all, they knew he was gay, and Alex was sitting right there.

‘With Alex,’ Sebastian said.

Robin’s smile faltered. She looked at Alex uncertainly. Demetrius said nothing. Alex was too scared to look at him.

‘I didn’t know Alex was- But isn’t Alex with Haley?’ Robin said. ‘Did…?’

‘Congratulations, Seb,’ Maru said warmly, and Sebastian smiled in relief at her, and nodded. Alex was glad she existed, that she was good, and still thought it was weird she’d ever had a crush on him given they’d had nearly nothing to do with each other until recently. ‘Congrats, Alex.’

‘Thanks,’ Alex said, nodding.

‘What about everything in the past?’ Demetrius said.

‘If you mean high school, Alex and I have had plenty of opportunities to talk about it,’ Sebastian said calmly, sounding more grounded. ‘We haven’t treated each other like that in a long time. People grow up, they mature, and I got to know a really cool person because of it.’

‘Did you choose my birthday to reveal this, because you thought it would mean I’d take the news better?’ Demetrius said, like he was trying to work something out.

‘Yep,’ Sebastian said.

Alex stared at him. What the fuck? He just said that?

Demetrius sighed, lifted his eyebrows like he thought that was kind of valid, and took one of the fresh strawberries out of the basket Alex had brought with him. He twisted the green top off and popped the fruit into his mouth.

‘I hope you both find a lot of happiness together,’ Demetrius said after he’d finished the strawberry, and Alex looked at him in shock. But Demetrius didn’t seem angry, or like he was lying. ‘I might not want Alex to clean my laboratory anytime soon, but my understanding is he’s a hard worker, and Sam and Maru talk highly of him.’

Maru coming in clutch, apparently, behind the scenes, to save Alex’s ass. Alex shot Maru a look of gratitude, but she was still looking at Sebastian.

‘Sebby,’ Robin said, her expression sober, ‘you and Martingale… You were both very successful in your respective businesses together. You were both obviously in love, you didn’t even need to tell us you were in a relationship. It was…so different back then. Are you sure about this?’

‘Yeah, mom,’ Sebastian said, voice almost stony. ‘I’m sure. Sometimes it’s not good to spend your life with someone who doesn’t know how to take a weekend off.’

‘Yes, but…’

Robin fell silent. Alex wasn’t prepared for this. He was certain Demetrius would point out all the ways Alex wasn’t good enough for Sebastian. For some reason, he didn’t expect it from Robin.

‘And you’re safe?’ Robin said finally. She meant the words for Sebastian, but her eyes darted once to Alex, making her meaning clear. She didn’t seem to want to meet Alex’s eyes directly.

‘Safe?’ Sebastian said, an edge to his voice. ‘What does that mean?’

Alex knew exactly what it meant. He stared down at the table.

It’s just one night. It will be over soon. It’s possible to course correct in the future. This is just one moment in time. A person’s first reaction might not be their forever reaction, and I’m allowed to leave if things are overwhelming.

Sucked to be him because Alex had been overwhelmed since before they’d walked through the door. Not only that, but he’d literally told Tim a few hours ago he was angry all the time, that he had anger issues. That maybe there was very little separating him from his father. Okay, they hadn’t specifically talked about that, but he was pretty sure that’s where that conversation was heading.

Felt really fucking on the nose now.

‘Nothing, really,’ Robin said, though it didn’t sound like nothing. ‘I hope you know you can come to us if you’re ever in trouble.’

Sebastian went still beside Alex in a way that meant shit was about to hit the fan. Alex’s whole body was on alert, down to his toes, the tense arches of his feet, heels digging into the floor. He wanted to leave.

‘I’m one of the best adventurers the local guild has ever seen,’ Sebastian said slowly and quietly in a way that set off more of that Oh shit response in Alex’s gut. ‘That includes Martingale Wentworth. Why wouldn’t I be safe, mom? What are you trying to say?’

Don’t do this, Alex thought desperately.

‘Is it time to open presents now?’ Demetrius said, and for once, Alex thought he was trying to break the tension that was building.

‘That sounds like a great idea, Dad,’ Maru said.

‘Hang on,’ Sebastian said, and Alex pressed back into his chair. He wanted to say something to bring it all down, but he didn’t know what to say. ‘Mom, why wouldn’t I be safe? Why are you telling me this?’

She thinks I’m violent. Because I was violent. Because I’m violent.

‘Maybe I should go,’ Alex said.

‘No, stay,’ Demetrius said.

‘Seb,’ Robin said, and Alex was finding it really annoying that she never said his full fucking name, ‘in the beginning of a relationship, in that honeymoon period, it’s easy to miss red flags.’

It’s just one night, Alex told himself. Just one night and maybe like ten more minutes, judging by how this conversation is going.

‘You could trust me,’ Sebastian said sharply.

‘You’re the only person who’s ever been divorced in the Valley,’ Robin said, looking heartbroken. ‘The only one. Sebby, what am I supposed to think, when you rush into-’

The sound of a spoon slamming into the table, and Alex flinched away from Sebastian, shoulders cringing up. He couldn’t help it. In looking away from Sebastian and Robin, he caught the way Demetrius stared straight at him. Alex couldn’t read expression.

‘I knew this would happen,’ Sebastian said. ‘I tried to do the right thing by telling you over dinner, instead of just texting or something. I knew you’d be like this. Do you even know what he went through? Do you have any idea-? Alex, we’re leaving.’

Alex stood without saying a word, though he knew the right thing to do would be to thank Robin for the dinner. It was only then he realised he was still holding Sebastian’s hand, their palms sweaty, the skin overheated. Sebastian stood and let go, and Alex flexed sore fingers.

‘Ma’am,’ Alex said to Robin, as Sebastian walked around the table, clearly done with everything. ‘It’s pretty clear what you think of me, but I don’t want to hurt your son. I’ve been a lot more worried about that than he has.’

‘You don’t have to talk to her about this,’ Sebastian snarled. ‘You don’t have to justify any of this! Don’t, Alex. It’s not worth it.’

Alex almost wanted to commiserate with Robin. He agreed he wasn’t good enough for Sebastian, he also wanted Sebastian to be safe. He was seeing a therapist partly because he knew he was fucked up and wanted to make sure he’d never hurt Sebastian that way.

Sebastian walked down the long corridor past the photos of landscapes and the family, and Alex stared at how quickly his back was disappearing. Shit. He didn’t want to be in here on his own.

‘Um. Thank you for…dinner,’ Alex said awkwardly. ‘And happy birthday, Demetrius. Sorry for…’

Alex couldn’t think of how to finish that sentence. Apologising for existing probably wouldn’t help anyone.

Sebastian was gone, the front door having opened and slammed shut already, and Alex got out of the house – the silent fucking house – and walked after him. He felt light-headed. Yeah, parents. Parents were hard.

Sebastian was halfway back to his place, walking fast, with determined strides. Alex jogged to keep up, shocked at how angry Sebastian was. And he wanted to say something, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He half-expected Maru to run after them both like last time, but she didn’t.

Up the wooden steps onto the decking, and Sebastian yanked off his boots and walked inside, and Alex toed out of his sneakers and followed. Sebastian paced around the kitchen, frenetic energy making his movements jerky and short.

‘I can’t handle her sometimes,’ Sebastian said, sounding…

Sounding really freaked out.

Alex closed the front door behind him, then locked it, and he was scared. He was definitely scared, but Sebastian was doing really badly. His breathing was fast and sharp, not like anything Alex had heard before.

‘At least it’s done,’ Alex said, feeling hollow.

‘Yeah, done,’ Sebastian said, and laughed bitterly, sounding like he was out of breath. ‘If anything ever goes wrong in this relationship, she’s going to feel vindicated, and she’s going to use it as one more reason to act like I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. From me being a teenager and working in my room and her never respecting that, to now, it’s always been like this. She’s only proud of me when it suits her, at public festivals and shit.’

‘Hey,’ Alex said, realising Sebastian was either hyperventilating, or he was going to. His own fear fell back like a tide, still there, but in the background. He walked up to Sebastian, worried, uncertain. ‘Hey, Sebastian.’

Alex reached out during one of Sebastian’s turns, and placed a hand against Sebastian’s shirt, his chest.

‘Hey,’ Alex said again. ‘Slow down.’

‘I’m just- It’s not- It’s fine.’

‘It’s not,’ Alex said. ‘That sucked.’

‘For you,’ Sebastian said, glaring at him like Alex wasn’t playing along properly.

‘Sure. That would’ve sucked for me even if it went great. I have my own shit. But this is like, your stuff now.’

‘No,’ Sebastian said, but Alex could feel his racing heart, the tension in his body, and he hated how upset Sebastian was. ‘It’s literally about you.’

‘Dude, you’re having a meltdown,’ Alex said. ‘I’m not saying you can’t have one, just, sometimes this is about you.’

It reminded Alex a lot of how panicked Sebastian had been the time Jodi had been at Alex’s house, but worse. In retrospect, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t realised what was going on. It was so obvious now how scared Sebastian was of the town doubting him, not trusting his own decisions in his life. Was that how Sebastian felt, too? He’d fled the town; he’d used those words himself. He’d seen a therapist. Maybe that was how Sebastian felt about all of this. Maybe he didn’t trust himself.

‘Hey,’ Alex said gently. ‘They know now. It’s done. Come appreciate my muscular arms.’

Sebastian made a sound, half-scoff, half-laugh.

‘Maru was good,’ Alex said, pulling Sebastian closer, getting an arm around his shoulder, his back, bracing his feet on the floor. ‘Even Demetrius was good. Robin’s just worried about you.’

‘She doesn’t fucking trust me,’ Sebastian said, shaking with what must have been anger or anxiety. Alex didn’t know.

But Sebastian was leaning into him now, forehead on Alex’s shoulder, still breathing fast and uneven, but no longer pacing like he wanted to wear the floorboards down.

‘She shouldn’t fucking talk about you that way!’ Sebastian exploded, and Alex flinched back, not expecting the change in volume. Sebastian grabbed onto Alex’s shirt. ‘I’m sorry. Shit. I know you hate yelling.’

‘I’m fine,’ Alex said, even though he could tell he didn’t sound fine at all. ‘It’s all good.’

‘Shut up,’ Sebastian said, looking like Alex had said something really upsetting. ‘Just don’t. I’m sorry for yelling. I just had to get it out. I’ll go scream into a pillow or something in a minute. Come back. Come back.’

Alex wasn’t really that far away, but he let Sebastian pull him close again.

‘I’m sorry for telling you to shut up,’ Sebastian added.

‘Hey now, don’t be like that,’ Alex said. ‘You can shut up too.’

Sebastian laughed weakly, tiredly, clinging to the back of Alex’s shirt. Absently, without even thinking about it, Alex pressed his lips to the side of Sebastian’s head.

‘It’s done,’ Alex said.

‘Everyone will know tomorrow,’ Sebastian said.

Alex didn’t understand, and Sebastian sighed heavily against him.

‘Mom gossips. I’ll bet you one thousand gold pieces that she’ll be on the phone to Marnie, Jodi and Emily tonight.’

‘I…’

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said. ‘I know I got so weird about Jodi. I was thinking about it later, and I realised where it came from. Realised who’s been sharing my personal shit for as long as I can remember.’

‘Sure,’ Alex said, trying not to think about the whole town knowing about them, even though he also wanted them to know. It wasn’t like he expected his brain to make sense. ‘You want to sit? Or lie down? I can make you some coffee, if you want.’

Sebastian just stood there, turning so his mouth rested against Alex’s neck.

‘Stay the night,’ he said.

Alex nodded, absently scratched light circles into Sebastian’s back through his black shirt. ‘Okay.’

‘You don’t have anything on tomorrow?’ Sebastian asked.

‘Nah. I mean, I have to clean this douchebag’s house, and he’s like this total goth nerd, but I think I can make that work, I just-’

Sebastian shifted and pressed his mouth clumsily to Alex’s, and Alex felt Sebastian’s exhaustion in the way he moved. He’d been stressed about this for ages, then. Maybe he’d slept worse than Alex, and Alex pressed his fingers into Sebastian’s hair and opened his mouth, and almost smiled when Sebastian slid his tongue inside not necessarily to turn him on, but just to have it there, tired and slowly moving.

Alex didn’t think much of it until Sebastian slipped his fingers beneath Alex’s shirt, and teased the sensitive skin of his belly, his pelvis.

Alex gasped and turned his face. ‘I don’t know if we should, tonight. After everything.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian sighed. ‘Just like touching you.’

Alex hadn’t even taken his hand out of Sebastian’s hair, so he could relate.

‘It’s so easy to just think it’s Demetrius,’ Sebastian said, voice flat, breath warm against Alex’s neck. ‘Demetrius is the obvious target, because he’s the stepdad. But, you know, it’s been hard with Robin to get her to see me as a man.’

‘She’s worried about you,’ Alex said. ‘No one would want you go to through what my mom did.’

‘What you went through,’ Sebastian said, digging his fingers into Alex’s side like he was making a point. ‘That’s exactly it, Alex. What you fucking went through. I’ve never gone through anything like that, but you have. But she’s not asking you if you’re safe, is she? She’s not paying attention to how you flinch when someone yells or gets mad. I think Demetrius saw way more of it tonight. Who knows? But it’s not a good enough reason that she wants to keep me safe. She should trust that I can keep me safe. Not question my decisions while you’re literally right there.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, keeping his voice low, even as Sebastian tensed all over. But then Sebastian sagged at once and sighed explosively.

‘Fuck all of this,’ Sebastian said. ‘I hate Pelican Town.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Don’t hate you though,’ Sebastian added. ‘You’ll really stay the night?’

Alex had been hoping to all along. He nodded. His own fear and panic floated in the background, something he could see, but that didn’t overwhelm him. It was nice, in a way, to feel protective of Sebastian, to keep him close like this, keep his arms around him.

His cologne smelled really good.

I love you, he thought.

At some point, he was going to have to talk to Tim about all of that, probably. He’d have to talk to Sebastian about it. Maybe. Alex pressed his mouth to the side of Sebastian’s head again, and Sebastian’s shoulders relaxed further, his weight pressed into Alex’s, taking comfort or rest or whatever it was he needed.

‘Want to do bad things to you,’ Sebastian said under his breath, and Alex shivered.

‘Okay, but later. You can’t just fuck your way through all your problems, that’s not-’

‘Ha!’ Sebastian said, and then laughed, the sound genuinely light. ‘Coming from you, Alex. Seriously?’

Alex made a face when he realised that, out of the two of them, he was definitely the one who tried to have sex instead of focusing on any of their problems. Helplessly, he laughed, and Sebastian lightly kissed his neck.

‘Later,’ Sebastian said softly, like a promise.

Alex stepped into Sebastian, took the space between them away, and squeezed Sebastian closer to him. It felt good to care for him like this. It felt amazing. He hoped Sebastian kept letting him do it.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Blow Up Your Phone":

"‘The nightmare?’

‘Nothing,’ Alex said again, and then huffed. ‘Dad, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t remember dreams like that properly sometimes. Sometimes I think I’m gonna turn out like him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I was mean to you in high school, and-’

‘-I was verbally abusing you,’ Sebastian said.

‘Doesn’t make what I was doing okay.’

‘I’m not saying that,’ Sebastian said, sounding frustrated. ‘I’m saying it’s not as simple as you waking up and deciding to be cruel for no reason one day. You had reasons. And we were kids. You literally were going home to shit so bad I still can’t…wrap my head around it. I try and imagine what home life was like for you, and I get stuck on not knowing how I’d deal with one day of it.’

‘Oh, that’s easy, you just don’t have a choice and so you deal with it,’ Alex said, somewhat deadpan. ‘Also he didn’t hit us every day.’

Sebastian grasped Alex’s hair and lifted his head so they could make eye contact. ‘Tell me know you now bad that sounds.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, and enjoying the rains! Every older Australian ever like 'the rains are 'ere!' and knowing which ad that refers to lol (also it's so rude like if they give severe weather warnings they shouldn't be able to cancel them again! call that thunderstorm edging or sth)

Chapter 64: Blow Up Your Phone

Notes:

Did you know this story has a playlist? It does! (Also I can't believe 152 of you are already following it what omg I am blessed holy shit)

Huge thank you to everyone who's reading this story, to the commenters, the bookmarkers, the lurkers, the kudos-givers, the people who talk about it in a Discord chat where I'll never see it *cries a little*, and the folks just generally having an okay-to-good time with this story. Y'all are the best sdaklfjsa I seriously could never without you folks

On Wednesday I get an iron infusion and I'm super happy about that lol, now let's get to this chapter!

Alex woke to a silent, dreadful terror, overheated in the blankets Sebastian liked to sleep under, and scrambled his way out of bed as quietly as possible. He looked at the still form of Sebastian, fast asleep, and walked down the corridor, listening to his shaking breathing. He felt like he was going to be sick.

He knew he’d dreamt of his dad, even if he didn’t remember the details. He didn’t have to. This feeling was distinct, it had him absently thinking he needed to check if his mom was okay, like he was small in the trailer. Back then, just getting out of bed could get him hurt if it disturbed his dad.

He walked into the sunken lounge and sat on the couch, rubbing his eyes.

He and Sebastian had watched movies until close to dawn. Sebastian hadn’t seemed up for much more after dinner with his family, and kept looking at his phone, occasionally texting Maru back. It was late afternoon now, and Alex was grateful for the light streaming in through the side windows, despite the dark curtains. He wished he could stop missing so much of the day.

Alex looked at his phone and frowned when he saw two missed calls from Jodi and two voice messages she’d left.

He straightened and pressed his phone to his ear, hoping everything was okay.

‘Hi, Alex! It’s me, Jodi. You probably already know that, but, oh, well, I should just say it. I- It’s only… Yoba, I don’t know how to say this.’ A long silence, the muffled voice of Kent in the background, and Alex felt a weight in his gut. ‘Robin called me, and she… Alex, I really don’t want to be the one to tell you this, especially after our conversation, but I feel like I should warn you she’s going to tell everyone. If she’s calling me to tell me about you and Sebastian being together, then she’ll call the whole group. I’m so sorry. I’m living up to my reputation! But it feels unfair not to let you know. Unless you gave her permission to tell everyone? But I feel as though you didn’t, sweetheart.’

‘Fuck me,’ Alex breathed, trying to get control of his breathing all over again.

It wasn’t Jodi who was the gossip, it was Robin, and it’d been Robin all along. The one who probably told the town everything she knew after Sebastian was divorced, who made it everyone’s business. Alex worried about how Sebastian was going to react.  

He got up and forced himself back down the corridor, opening the second voice message from Jodi. It was sent only ten minutes later.

‘I wanted you to know if you ever need someone to talk to, you’re both welcome. Of course, Sebastian is family, and you practically are too now! I hope you don’t mind that I called. I know you’re probably sleeping. I’m just worried about what you’ll wake up to. I’ll see you soon, sooner if you want to come round! Okay… Bye!’

Alex had text messages from people who literally hadn’t messaged him since his grandparents died. Caroline congratulating him on being gay – whatever. Mayor Lewis sending an emoji of a rainbow flag. Barf. Marnie sent a message that felt like a thinly veiled accusation that Alex was cheating on Haley, and it took all of Alex’s energy not to text her back and tell her to stop taking it personally that Mayor Lewis wouldn’t admit to the town that he was fucking her all the goddamned time and had been for years.

Haley sent a single message: If Emily knows, the town knows. Give me a heads up when you’re free and we can hang at yours and barricade the doors, maybe dig some mines in around the house and set some rifles up on the roof or something. I’d look so cute as a sniper. By the way, Emily made me a hot cocoa – in SUMMER – and asked if I was all right, and started crying, and said I must be so heartbroken. MY SISTER. Who has known me ALL MY LIFE! Am I the best actor or what? I’m wasted in my job. Wasted. I’m heading to Zuzu to join the theatre.

Alex got back into bed and placed his phone face down on his forehead, listening to the way his shallow breaths trembled.

About twenty minutes later, Sebastian roused.

‘Alex?’ he said, after turning over.

‘Don’t be mad…’ Alex said.

‘My favourite words first thing in the morning, right after, “Your cock fell off while you were sleeping.”’

Alex smiled helplessly and looked at Sebastian. ‘You’re not funny.’

‘Is the bad news that your sense of humour was removed?’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah, probably.’

Alex pushed up, grabbed his phone, and sat cross-legged on the bed and really wished he could avoid this by giving Sebastian a blowjob or something.

‘I got a voice message from Jodi overnight,’ Alex said, feeling sick. ‘Uh, not- It’s not… It’s… Your mom apparently has been calling everyone. Robin’s been- I mean I know she has, because I’ve gotten messages from a bunch of people who-’

‘-Oh Yoba’s motherfucking tits,’ Sebastian said, as he scrambled for his phone and stared at his screen. Alex could see how many missed calls and texts he had. ‘Shit. Shit!’

Sebastian got up and stalked down the corridor, and Alex stayed on the bed, because he couldn’t handle Sebastian’s anger about this, even though he thought it was pretty damned justified.

He waited to hear banging, or objects being thrown, but he didn’t hear that at all. He heard footsteps pacing back and forth in the kitchen, and Alex dragged the covers over his bent legs and wrapped his arms around them and wondered if Sebastian was angry at him for causing all of this. Alex was the reason this had happened, after all. He was the one who’d pushed for things to be more official.

Sebastian came back, his hair more mussed than it had been when he’d woken up. He gave Alex a once over, then disappeared into his bathroom, the door closing, the sound of him pissing coming a moment later.

The sound of the tap, Sebastian washing his hands, and Sebastian came out and leaned against the doorframe.

‘I’m not mad at you,’ Sebastian said roughly.

‘Yeah. I know.’

‘I can’t pretend to not be mad.’

‘I’m not asking you to.’

‘You look like I’ve kicked every puppy that ever existed.’

‘Then just don’t look at me,’ Alex said, burying his face between his bent knees.

Sebastian sighed and sat on the side of the bed near Alex.

‘You don’t have to be nice to me,’ Alex said. ‘I know it’s not- I know it’s different. My stuff is my stuff.’

‘Sure. I just feel a lot less angry now that I’m watching you.’

Alex looked up and grimaced, and Sebastian made the same face at him. Sebastian pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened it and shook his head slowly, running a hand down his face after a while.

‘Marnie’s asked if I know about you and Haley,’ Sebastian said, and laughed in despair. ‘So that’s a thing.’

‘Emily thinks Haley’s heartbroken,’ Alex said, reaching for his phone and holding it up. ‘Haley’s message about it is pretty funny, though.’

‘It means mom’s probably…framed it a certain way. Or maybe the rest of them did that after, I don’t know.’

‘Jodi must’ve called me straight away. I don’t think she talked to anyone else about it. She sounded real worried.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘And I’m a dick, because it makes so much more sense that it would’ve been Mom all along, and not her. Feel like I owe Jodi an apology.’

‘Nah,’ Alex said. ‘You haven’t said anything to her. But you could give her the benefit of the doubt in the future, maybe. Besides, it’s all bullshit today. I kind of forgot about how most people think me and Haley are just stealthing around. Like, yeah, we leaned into it, but I bet you a million gold coins if Haley told everyone she was dating Sam, no one would message me and ask if I was okay. Anyway, what’s the damage? Mayor Lewis sent me an emoji of a rainbow flag.’

Sebastian’s laugh was ungainly, bursting out from his mouth before he turned away and composed himself.

‘Damn,’ he said, his voice straining on the laugh as he turned back. ‘As for me… Maru’s said she’s here for me if I want to talk. And she’s going to come over later. Nothing from Robin or Demetrius, unsurprising. Nothing from Wentworth, though I doubt he’s noticed. He forgets he has a phone, and it’s a landline. Sam texted to say I can come hide out at his place, and Haley said I can come hide out at Sam’s place because Emily won’t shut up about it. Can I just say… I never knew Haley all that well until I got to know you better, and she’s a keeper, isn’t she?’

‘Sam’s lucky,’ Alex said, and smiled.

‘Yeah, I think we all are on that front.’ Sebastian put his phone away. ‘Marnie told me to be careful of your temper.’

‘Yeah.’

‘That doesn’t bother you?’

‘I mean…’ Alex looked away. ‘I have a bad temper.’

Sebastian scoffed. He got onto the bed properly and leaned into Alex’s bent legs, placing his chin on Alex’s knees, staring at him.

‘Hey, so, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but while you may have, like, some anger issues, the reality is you freak out around anger a lot. I have a worse temper than you do. I’ve never been violent or anything, but it’s obvious it hits you the wrong way.’

‘I had a nightmare earlier,’ Alex said. ‘I was freaking out a bit.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, rubbing his hand along Alex’s blanket covered thigh. ‘Because we came out to my parents last night, and it went badly, and we woke up with things going about as crap as we worried they would. Maybe worse, actually. Because now a few people think you’re a cheater or something.’

‘Haley will set them straight,’ Alex said, but he shrugged because it was shitty.

He liked this, though, the way Sebastian leaned into him, reassured him. It felt silly to want it so much, especially when he hadn’t explained his issues properly. Was this expecting Sebastian to read his mind? What would Tim say about that? Alex didn’t know.

‘I don’t want to be mad at your mom,’ Alex said.

‘I mean, she kind of put the fact that she had gossip over either of our wishes, so I’m mad. I still love her. She’s my mom. She gets bored, she likes talking to people, and unfortunately I bet she thinks the more people know, the less you can get away with something awful. That part makes me furious. I don’t think I’ll be seeing her for a while. Not on purpose, anyway.’

‘But…she’s your mom. She could get sick.’

Sebastian’s expression didn’t change exactly, but he squeezed Alex’s thigh and pressed closer.

‘It’s not the same. Like, okay, if she got cancer tomorrow, we’d deal with it. But it’s not the same as the situation with you and your mom. Also, Alex, I could die tomorrow. That doesn’t mean I can’t hurt you or make you angry at me while I’m alive. You could die tomorrow. That doesn’t mean you can’t hurt me, or that I should just put up with it because at some point you’re going to die.’

Alex nodded and wondered if he and Sebastian should make out or something. They were both on a bed, the conversation was getting kind of intense. But he didn’t even feel like sex, which was how he knew his mood was bad.

‘You said you had a nightmare before,’ Sebastian said. ‘What was it about?’

‘Nothing. We should focus on your stuff.’

‘We did,’ Sebastian said. ‘I don’t want to mope anymore. The town knows. It happened. I wish it was winter so I could wear one of my really thick black coats and just stare people down, but I’ll wear sunglasses instead and still stare people down. They want to bring shit to my doorstep, I’ll send it right on home with them. I wish you weren’t caught in the crossfire. I don’t live in the literal town, you do.’

‘I keep to myself,’ Alex said, leaning forward, hair brushing against Sebastian’s.

‘The nightmare?’

‘Nothing,’ Alex said again, and huffed. ‘Dad, I guess. I don’t know. I don’t remember dreams like that properly. It’s just all big and dark and horrible, basically. Sometimes I think I’m gonna turn out like him and there’s nothing I can do about it. I was mean to you in high school, and-’

‘-I was verbally abusing you,’ Sebastian said.

‘Doesn’t make what I was doing okay.’

‘I’m not saying that,’ Sebastian said, sounding frustrated. ‘I’m saying it’s not as simple as you waking up and deciding to be cruel for no reason one day. You had reasons. And we were kids. You literally were going home to shit so bad I still can’t wrap my head around it. I try to imagine what home life was like for you, and I get stuck on not knowing how I’d deal with a single day of it.’

‘Oh, that’s easy, you just don’t have a choice and so you deal with it,’ Alex said, somewhat deadpan. ‘Also, he didn’t hit us every day.’

Sebastian reached up and grasped Alex’s hair and lifted his head so they could make eye contact. ‘Tell me you know how bad that sounds.’

Alex stared at him and shrugged. Like sure, he knew now, because Sebastian stared at him like that. ‘It’s like I know it was bad, but I don’t at the same time. I know it was bad because I hated Mom going through it. And then I don’t because that was my life. You grow up thinking your life is normal. That’s just what you do. That’s what normal is. And because I thought it was normal forever, I just don’t want to bring that into this.’

‘Alex…’ Sebastian’s expression creased, and he knelt up, pushed Alex’s bent legs to the side and lowered himself down, covering his whole body. Alex grunted because it wasn’t super comfortable, especially with the blankets between them. It was too hot for this.

‘You and Haley go out of your way to say I’m not like him, but I can be,’ Alex said haltingly. ‘It’s just in me.’

‘I get that it’s complicated,’ Sebastian said, his voice low. ‘But that’s the point. It’s not the same. It is complicated. But in a way that gets to lead to a different ending. You’re seeing Tim, you’re learning more about your own emotions, you’re talking more, you’re kind-hearted. Alex, you’re so fucking sensitive about your own anger and what it might mean that you try not to feel it at all, and that’s going to be the thing that makes anger most likely to happen outside of your control. Even if it turns out to be giving me the silent treatment, or whatever else it is. And that’s not bad by default, either! That’s just human. Does it really bother you when I say you’re not like him?’

‘No,’ Alex admitted, his voice small.

‘You know you’re not cheating on Haley with me, so you don’t have to believe the town when they say other shit too. They believe lies. Especially ones that make them feel like they’re better people somehow. Whatever you have to work out around your anger and your father, that doesn’t get to belong to them, Alex.’

Alex opened his mouth and then closed it again.

Sebastian didn’t understand. That was the hardest part. Maybe, if the town had taken some ownership over what had happened to his mom, felt some sense of real responsibility towards looking out for their own, they could have given her a safe place to escape to. If someone had reached out, instead of turning away, things could have been different. Ultimately, it took his dad leaving them to make it all end. And yet, everyone implied they knew exactly what was happening.

They used that knowledge as a weapon and never stopped to look at their own inaction.

As much as it hurt Alex to be thought of like his father, as much as he hated it, and wished it would stop, he also wanted people to look out for Sebastian. He wanted the town to care. To do something if anything ever went wrong.

‘It’s too hot,’ Alex grumbled.

‘I like having you trapped,’ Sebastian said. ‘Might be nice to tie you up one day.’

‘Yeah, might be nice to be tied up one day, but not when it’s summer and you’re on top of me like this.’

Alex squirmed and eventually tipped a laughing Sebastian off him. He pushed up, threw the blankets off, and felt a strange catch in his chest as he looked at Sebastian. He thought of the anger Sebastian had headed off, when he’d seen how outside Alex was.

‘You really can be angry,’ Alex said. ‘You’re allowed. You have really good reasons. I didn’t mean to make you stop.’

‘I’m still angry,’ Sebastian said, eyebrows raising. ‘I’m just…going to give it back to the town if they try to start shit with me. I’m all for public shaming. There’s nothing like staring someone down when they think they’re about to have a friendly conversation with me. I’m not a sulky teenager anymore. People find that shit intimidating.’

‘It was intimidating then, too,’ Alex muttered.

Sebastian smirked.

‘Uh, I wanted to ask something weird,’ Alex continued. ‘I kind of miss more of the day, and I’m thinking of maybe changing how I sleep. But like, I know you’re a night owl, and I don’t want to…’ Oh no, he’d have to fucking say it. ‘I don’t want to miss out on spending time with you. Like, don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to go full…early morning to rise and all that shit. But I’ve realised I might need daylight. Sometimes.’

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, his eyes gleaming, ‘I never did full night shifts like you did. I just work really late because I like to. When you stay over, I change my sleeping habits. If you want to go to bed earlier when you’re here, we can try it.’

‘But you hate daylight.’

‘No, I hate summer.’ Sebastian said, getting out of bed and stretching. Alex thought a normal amount about biting Sebastian’s biceps. ‘And I like the night. But in winter, wandering around during the day is one of my favourite things to do. We might not be seasonally compatible, but I’m flexible with my job. You want more daylight when you stay here, we can figure something out.’

‘That’s…’ Alex didn’t expect to feel something like this the morning after the dinner they’d had. It was almost buoyant. His whole body felt lighter. Their problems weren’t over, and facing the town was going to suck, but this part felt good.

I love you, he thought.

Fuck, he was going to have to say it one of these days, and soon, because it pressed further and further through him and it was only a matter of time before he said it out loud.

‘You’re pretty cool,’ Alex said, instead.

‘Yeah, I know,’ Sebastian said, and laughed. ‘It’s okay. The rest of the town is just jealous because we’re the hottest couple. We should enjoy it, because in two weeks or whatever, Sam and Haley will take over as the hottest couple of all time.’

‘Fuck,’ Alex groaned, as he sank back onto the bed. ‘Tell me about it. Maybe we should tell them to hurry up about telling everyone so they can draw focus.’

Sebastian went back into the bathroom and Alex sighed explosively. He’d survived the dinner. Demetrius hadn’t even been that bad in the end. Alex was pretty sure Demetrius felt just as out of place as Alex did, judging from how he’d responded.

Staying the night at Sebastian’s made a lot of things easier, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about the empty house waiting for him, and how he just kind of wanted to stay here.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Love is Just the Start":

"‘Why didn’t you tell him you were going to divorce him?’ Alex said, the words rough, caustic.

Martingale pulled out a chair, and sat down, tilting his head at Alex like he was really considering him.

‘Because I didn’t want him to fix it,’ Martingale said finally. ‘It wasn’t working. I thought I’d try a relationship and realised I preferred to be on my own. Sebastian is a fixer. I am too, just for situations that aren’t concerned with relationships. If I’d told him I wanted a divorce, I suspect he would have done anything he could to solve it. He never enjoyed living on the farm, you know. I felt more like a halfway home between the situation at his parent’s house and his actual future. The one in Zuzu that he wanted.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, complaining a little about Gold Stake Balatro, and also complaining a little about proscriptive writing advice salkfjda

Chapter 65: Love is Just the Start

Notes:

Posting a week early because I can, and also because it's been two weeks, waiting 3 weeks is a lot of weeks!

Alex went back to his grandparents’ house on Monday. It felt weird to be there alone. The first thing he did was replace his Grandma Evelyn’s flowers. He then carefully undid the ribbon on the bouquet Sebastian gave him. He replaced the water and removed flowers that weren’t doing well. He picked three of the best remaining flowers to press into the large dictionary Grandma Evelyn used to press flowers from their own bouquet decades before.

He placed one of his grandpa’s handkerchiefs on a page with words beginning with S, carefully placed down a coneflower and two sprays of sweet pea blossoms, and laid another handkerchief over that. He closed the dictionary and placed it flat on the bookshelf, putting encyclopedias on top of it.

Grandma Evelyn explained to him the best way to press flowers, though at the time he’d laughed and said it was “girly shit.” He was sure his mom had preserved her bouquet, too. It felt right to continue the tradition.

After that, he looked around the large home, then worked out, and then cleaned, just to have something to do. Despite looking over his shoulder towards the door, no one came to bother him. After the initial wave of texts in the morning, everything quietened down. He didn’t know what he’d expected after the town found out he was gay, but it wasn’t this.

*

On Tuesday, Alex set his alarm and woke at lunch. He felt bleary, since it was technically super early for him these days, but going outside to stand under the shade of the tree and breathe in the fresh air woke him up. He was hoping to shift his sleeping so that he’d get most of the afternoon, maybe even late morning, and go to bed a few hours past midnight. He still wouldn’t be seeing the sunrise, but he’d keep the evenings and afternoons free for dinners, gaming with Sebastian’s group, and cleaning.

He saw the farmer ride his horse at top speed across the cobblestones – that couldn’t be good for the horse, surely – and pull up just outside Pierre’s, blocking off the community noticeboard and calendar. The horse never moved, no matter how many people wanted to get past him.

Martingale looked at Alex once, simply because he’d turned to look behind him, and then disappeared into the grocery store.

Alex went back inside. The one thing he could do that most of the town couldn’t, was mind his own fucking business.

*

Twenty minutes later, a brisk knock sounded at his front door, and Alex had a feeling he knew exactly who it was. He went to the door and opened it, and Martingale stood there, his brown hair tied back into its short ponytail. He looked uncomfortably overheated in the summer weather. Maybe if he took off his stupid vest, he’d feel better about the temperature.

‘Isn’t it customary to invite me in?’ Martingale said, lifting his chin. ‘Or do you not want my company now I don’t have gold to fund a funeral?’

Alex stared at him, hand tensing with the urge to slam the door in Martingale’s face.

‘What the fuck is your problem?’ Alex said, unable to joke his way through the insult. ‘I didn’t ask for your gold, and I would’ve made it work.’

Martingale looked away. His jaw worked, and he sighed. His shoulders sank. Alex stepped back and made room for Martingale to step inside.

‘Come on then,’ Alex said, ‘you look like you’re going to wilt.’

‘I loathe summer,’ Martingale muttered under his breath as he stalked inside. He beelined straight to the kitchen and then stopped. He made a strange, hollow sound, almost like he’d been punched.

Alex walked past him and saw the bouquet Martingale stared at, and didn’t bother sitting down. This was – somehow – more awkward than the time Martingale came over and brought all the gold with him. Though less awkward than the time Alex got fucked up by a monster on Martingale’s property, and Sebastian demanded remuneration for it.

‘So it is true,’ Martingale said, looking at the bouquet. ‘How does Haley feel about it?’

‘Bro, why would that be any of your business? You’ve hardly spoken to me since you got here. You poisoned me with black mayo once. I thought I was gonna die. As long as you’re not making Sebastian’s life harder, we don’t have to have anything to do with each other, just the way you like it.’

Martingale scratched at a sweaty corner of his forehead and looked like he’d tasted something unpleasant.

‘What black mayo?’ he said. His eyes slowly widened. ‘You mean void mayonnaise?’

‘I don’t know what kind of mayonnaise it was. It was black.’

‘I wouldn’t have given you that. It’s very valuable.’

‘Thanks,’ Alex said.

Martingale winced. ‘I don’t mean that- I mean- I…’

He raised his hand to his forehead again and stared at the ground in mild horror.

‘There was that time I needed some void mayonnaise for a task and I had it in my pack, with gifts for others, and I couldn’t find it at a crucial moment. I thought I’d simply forgotten. It happens. I had ever so much to keep track of in those first few years, you see.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘You ate it? It smells rancid. It doesn’t smell edible at all.’

‘I know!’ Alex exclaimed. ‘Bro, I didn’t know what was going on. But you’d been giving all this nice shit to other people, so I thought maybe it’d taste better than it smelled.’

‘I truly didn’t mean to give it to you,’ Martingale said. ‘You can’t have thought I did that on purpose.’

Alex stared at him without blinking, and Martingale flushed a ruddy colour and looked deeply discomfited. Well, good. Eventually Martingale looked away again. Alex leaned against the kitchen counter and made it clear he had no plans on sitting down and inviting any kind of conversation. They weren’t close enough for that.

‘Why didn’t you tell him you were going to divorce him?’ Alex said, the words rough, caustic.

Martingale pulled out a chair, and sat down, tilting his head at Alex like he was really considering him.

‘Because I didn’t want him to fix it,’ Martingale said finally. ‘It wasn’t working. I thought I’d try a relationship and realised I preferred to be on my own. Sebastian is a fixer. I am too, just for situations that aren’t concerned with relationships. If I’d told him I wanted a divorce, I suspect he would have done anything he could to solve it. He never enjoyed living on the farm, you know. I felt more like a halfway home between the situation at his parent’s house and his actual future. The one in Zuzu that he wanted.’

Alex hadn’t expected a genuine answer, much less a thoughtful one. He didn’t know what to say, because he could see the truth of it. Sebastian was a problem solver. He liked finding solutions to things, whether it was offering Alex a job at higher pay, or trying to resolve difficulties in their relationship. He liked talking things through. He’d always wanted to go to Zuzu. He enjoyed a high amount of autonomy over his life, which he wouldn’t have had on the farm, not with the way Martingale controlled it. It wasn’t even his house, really. Marnie said she visited once and Sebastian only really had one room to himself – built into the house as an extension – and the bed they shared, and that was it. In that giant fucking house.

How was that any different to living in the basement of his parent’s house? Sure, it wasn’t a basement, but it was still just one room. It mustn’t have felt like an equal relationship.

‘It’s easier to be hated by people,’ Martingale said, when Alex didn’t speak. ‘I like to do things my way. I came here to do things my way. I saw myself in him, I think, for some time. We both wanted to escape our circumstances and find our own lives away from what was – to us – a life very pedestrian and soul-destroying. For me, it was coming here. For him, it was leaving here. The moment I realised that – unfortunately after we’d already married – I realised I was part of the problem. And, you’ll hate me for this, but I got bored. I don’t care for sentiment. I’m not here for that. And you wouldn’t think so, but he’s rather sentimental, isn’t he?’

Martingale looked at the bouquet again and sighed.

‘I suppose I have my answers,’ he said to himself.

‘What fucking answers?’

Martingale stood and pushed his chair in. ‘I have no right to ask this of you, given all the ways I’ve hurt Sebastian, but please be kind to him. I don’t know what drove him back to the Valley, but I can’t imagine it’s been easy. You couldn’t pay me to go back to where I came from.’

‘Did you love him?’ Alex said, unable to help himself.

‘Of course,’ Martingale said, looking at Alex like he’d asked a very odd question. ‘Of course I did. I proposed to him. But love isn’t enough. In the grand scheme of things, you’d think it’s a very important part of what makes a relationship, but it isn’t. Love is just the start.’

Alex hadn’t heard anything like that before, and he wasn’t sure if he trusted Martingale, given his whole track record with divorce. But it still rung true, given how long Alex had loved Sebastian, and how much it hadn’t helped the relationship side of things at all.

Martingale walked over to the kitchen sink – Alex moving away – and studied the flowers in the small vase, and looked at Alex, frowning.

‘I thought you only cared about sports and your appearance.’

‘And I thought you were a callous monster who only cared about himself.’

Martingale didn’t smile, but he didn’t seem offended by Alex’s words either. He considered the flowers again, then turned and headed towards the front door.

‘I hope you’re very happy together,’ Martingale said, as he opened the door. ‘I don’t bear ill will towards either of you.’

‘Do you think I’d give a shit if you did?’ Alex bit out.

He would, actually, he really would. But Martingale didn’t know that. Alex knew the way people saw him had nothing to do with who he really was. That was on purpose.

‘Well,’ Martingale said, turning on the landing and smiling faintly, ‘yes, I do. Haven’t you heard? I’m the saviour of Stardew Valley.’

The words were delivered with such sarcasm that for a second – just a second – Alex thought he might actually like Martingale, if he ever got to know him.

‘I am sorry for the void mayonnaise,’ Martingale said, as he vaulted onto his horse. ‘I suppose that solves the puzzle of where it went.’

With that, he steered his horse into a near immediate gallop, and raced off to some other destination before Alex could say another word.

*

On Wednesday, Alex walked to Willy’s fish shop with a wrapped present and took his trainers off once he hit the white sand, so he could feel it on his bare feet. The sun blazed, the wind was brisk in his hair, and Alex felt the prickling heat on his skin and loved it so much. It was an instant mood lift.

He’d wanted to tell Sebastian about Martingale’s visit, but he’d save that for when they were seeing each other. Mostly, he kept expecting to be upset all the time about people knowing he was gay, and couldn’t bring himself to care. His dad didn’t turn up on his doorstep to beat him to death, and no one else in Pelican Town did that kind of shit.

He walked into the fish shop – wiping his feet on the brush mat and slipping his trainers back on – and shook his head when he saw Willy behind the counter of fish he’d caught, a vague scent of ocean salt and fishiness in the air.

‘You’re meant to take your birthday off,’ Alex said, placing the present on the counter and pushing it across to him.

‘You remember my birthday every year. Me ol’ Pappy would’ve liked you.’

‘So you say,’ Alex said, leaning against the counter and looking up at the maps and lists of local fish on the back wall. Damn, everything looked so much better with his glasses.

‘Let me get into it then,’ Willy said, unwrapping the present and tearing the paper. He stared at the small pots and the larger bottles in confusion. He lifted one and squinted at it. ‘Me eyes ain’t so good these days.’

‘Hand cream,’ Alex said, pointing to the one Willy held. ‘Use it at night before bed. Sun cream for all that time you spend in the sun. Foot cream. And this is wax for all the fishing you do. I know you get through it.’

Willy put the hand cream down and his eyes creased with the size of his smile, even though Alex couldn’t see it behind the great bush of his beard.

‘By the stem o’ me pipe, that’s kind of you. Heh! Could always do with some more wax. Good for holding knots together and making new rods. This other stuff. It’s not too flowery, is it?’

‘Smell it,’ Alex said, as Willy unscrewed one of the lids. He lifted it to his nose and then scooped up some of the Sun cream and rubbed it between his fingers.

‘That’s a good scent, that is. Like the coast. Thought it’d be sickly sweet, never much liked sugary flowery smells.’

‘Yeah, I figured.’

Willy went through everything, smelling it all, and seemed delighted with the quality of the wax. They talked about bits and pieces – how well the shop was doing, the size of the fish Willy was catching, sightings of shark fins in the water, dolphins leaping before the boat Willy captained to Ginger Island, the upcoming Moonlight Jelly festival – and it was only towards the end Willy reached out and placed his hand on the counter, like he was asking Alex to stay for another few minutes.

‘Was in the Saloon and couldn’t help but overhear some things,’ Willy said. Alex tensed and wondered how many times he was going to hear about his supposed “relationship” with Haley, or be warned not to hurt Sebastian. ‘Seen that boy out in the rain sometimes at night, even during the day, and you being such a summer child. How does that work, then?’

Alex chuckled. That wasn’t what he’d expected at all.

‘Better than you’d think,’ Alex said.

‘Yeah?’ Willy said, a warm light in his eyes. ‘Heh! The summer child and the winter child, then. I like that. He once made me nurse a gull back to health, did you know?’

Alex shook his head.

‘Aye, when he was a little serious thing, all big eyes and that hair. He found an abandoned chick – a nothingy bit o’ fluff – on the jetty. Was gonna take it home but momma Robin said no. So he took it to me, and I said no. And he stood there all grave, with his dark eyes, and held the chick like she was the most special thing he’d ever found. So I had to look after her, didn’t I? That’s why there’s so many gulls come out on that far jetty now. I used to take her there every day when her wings got strong, and she fledged there, and now she nests near there. Still see her sometimes.’

‘Still?’ Alex said in amazement.

‘Aye, still,’ Willy said. ‘They can live a while, the gulls. You get to know ‘em, if you see ‘em often enough.’

‘Does Sebastian know that?’

‘Aye,’ Willy said. ‘I told him. Don’t know if he remembers, though. But the way he looks out to the sea, the way he watches the gulls, could be, could be. He reminds me of a ship captain, sometimes, the way he watches the waves. You two make all right conversation? He doesn’t talk much.’

‘You’d be surprised,’ Alex said drily.

Willy grinned. ‘You don’t talk much either.’

‘He finds it super annoying.’

Willy cackled, and the conversation wound down soon after that. Alex headed off, took his trainers off once more, and walked along the shoreline, surprised at how many shells were on the beach.

He took several deep breaths, airing himself out like an old, boarded-up house. He wiggled his toes in the sand and wondered if it was stupid to hope one day Robin came around to him and wasn’t just nice to his face.

*

Cleaning Sebastian’s house felt stable, normal, and Alex sank himself into all the tasks with little thought. He liked removing dust or water marks, polishing up chrome fixtures, and today he swept the deck outside Sebastian’s room and looked at the pond for the shine of frog eyes. He found a few. They didn’t croak all the time, sometimes they were silent, their eyes like gemstones.

Sebastian was hard at work, Alex often heard his fingers clacking over the keyboard, sometimes followed by soft swearing, or Sebastian stopping halfway through to take a phone call. When Sebastian was in the middle of something, he put his all into it. Alex admired that.

Alex wore his glasses all the time and only took them off if his eyestrain was bad from reading too much, or if he was going to sleep. He found it amazing how dirty they could get and how he just got used to it, only noticing when he took them off to clean them. Holding them up to the light and seeing smudges and fingerprints and speckles from dust and not knowing how they got so dirty so quickly.

Reading was easy enough that he could spend about ten to twenty minutes doing it, if the typeface wasn’t too small, or wasn’t in a font that hurt his brain. He knew he should chase up the dyslexia diagnosis, but he couldn’t be bothered. He could already do so much more than he used to.

At the end of his cleaning shift, he walked down the corridor and smiled when he saw sandwiches on the table already.

‘You’re so busy, though,’ Alex said.

‘Breaks are good.’

‘How’s everything been with your family? And, uh, everything?’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, like that was an answer. He ate half his sandwich in silence, and Alex felt like he should’ve mentioned Martingale’s visit as soon as it happened but couldn’t bring himself to. Sebastian was dealing with enough, wasn’t he?

Sebastian sipped at his coffee and leaned back in his chair. ‘I think the town’s intimidated by me, which is nice.’

Alex laughed, shaking his head. ‘You’re a dick.’

‘It pays dividends sometimes. My friends are still my friends, and I don’t have people coming up the mountain to talk to me about how they always thought I’d get back with Martingale, or whatever. What about you? Anyone given you a hard time?’

‘Uh…’ Alex looked away when Sebastian’s gaze darkened. ‘Martingale sort of visited.’

‘Sort of? What does sort of mean?’

‘I just- It’s just-’

They both stopped at a knock on the door, and Maru’s voice called a tentative greeting. Alex looked at Sebastian in question, wondering if this had been planned, and Sebastian shook his head and hurriedly wiped his mouth.

Sebastian went to the front door and opened it, and there was Maru, and standing behind her looking about as awkward as he had on the night of his birthday dinner, was Demetrius.

Alex’s heart sank.

Notes:

In our next chapter, 'Two Flightless Birds': (One of my personal favourite chapters so far)

"‘I admit I didn’t have a fair opinion of you for a long time, because of Robin telling me stories of your family, and because of Sebastian’s experiences with you in high school.’

Alex nodded again.

‘I think you’re scared of me,’ Demetrius said heavily. ‘Over the years, I’ve scared a few people. Usually because they’ve made assumptions about me I can’t control, sometimes unfair or prejudiced ones. I ignore those people, because there’s no point correcting them. So it’s odd to be in a situation where I think you also see no point in correcting people if they misunderstand you, or make assumptions about you. I talked to Maru about this, and she gave me some websites to look at, some research to read.

‘Psychology is a soft science, of course, but sometimes we need soft sciences. They’re not for me. I don’t have the emotional intelligence to enjoy them. But I think I have a better understanding of some matters now. Alex, I can’t speak for Robin, but I don’t think my wife should have implied the things she did at dinner. Nor do I think I should have implied that you bullied my son into cleaning our house.’

‘It’s understandable, sir,’ Alex said.

Demetrius sighed. ‘I’m not good at these conversations, Alex.’"

*

I'm on Tumblr, currently rugged up in a woolly jumper, recovering from a virus, with a lil dog snoozing behind me.

Chapter 66: Two Flightless Birds

Notes:

I've been thinking about how to turn the story to this for ages, and the dinner party going wrong at Sebastian's parents' house was a perfect opportunity.

As for me, I'm currently cold, thinking about what to plant for spring, *still* waiting for my liver biopsy (public hospitals am I right, both a blessing by comparison and sometimes also a curse as governments continue to gut the funding for them) and reminding myself that peppermint chocolate does not a dinner make.

Sebastian made coffee, and Maru kept up a stream of small talk. Demetrius sat at the table and observed everything – including Alex – and Alex wasn’t interested in making conversation at all. He was strategically thinking of ways to excuse himself from the table, Sebastian’s house, and possibly the whole town. Alex didn’t want to live in Zuzu, but there were other places.

When everyone was at the table with their coffee, Alex wrapped his hands around his mug – even though it was too warm outside and inside – and refused to make eye contact with anyone. He’d fucked up enough family occasions for Sebastian.

Besides, Sebastian was unpredictable around his family. His family was unpredictable around him.

That’s what family was for, after all.

‘Dad and I have been talking a bit about everything,’ Maru said. ‘I told him about me and Penny. He wanted to come over.’

Alex wanted to look at Sebastian’s face, to see how he felt about it all. He wanted to be strong enough to offer support, to intercept if something went wrong. He knew this shit stressed Sebastian out, too.

‘You don’t owe us anything,’ Sebastian said. It was clear he was talking to Demetrius from the way his tone cooled. ‘You’ve been pretending I don’t exist all my life. You can just keep on doing that, if you like.’

A slow breath from Demetrius, and Alex bit the inside of his lower lip. If his dad made that sound, it would be on sight.

‘I accept I haven’t always been the most understanding father figure,’ Demetrius said haltingly. ‘There are a lot of things we could talk about, I know. But today I wanted to apologise to Alex. To the both of you.’

Alex risked looking up and Demetrius was looking at him, expression sober, but otherwise hard to interpret. Alex mentally tried to go through a list of things to say, things that might make all of this go away.

‘Everything’s good,’ Alex heard himself say. ‘You don’t owe me an apology at all, sir.’

‘Yoba’s tits, Alex,’ Sebastian said, faintly exasperated. ‘He’s not your dad.’

Alex stared at Sebastian in shock. Maru and Demetrius were doing the same.

‘Sebastian,’ Demetrius said, a hint of anger in his voice.

‘No, it’s just- You do owe him an apology,’ Sebastian said to Demetrius, ‘but Alex shouldn’t have to act like you don’t, and…’

Sebastian stared at Alex helplessly, and Alex wanted to make all of this better. Sure, Demetrius wasn’t his dad, but Demetrius didn’t like him much. That seemed really understandable to Alex. It felt like he was the one who ruined Sebastian’s family dynamic even more than before, and he didn’t want Sebastian to be in the line of fire with his stepdad, even if they weren’t close. Maru and Demetrius wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Alex wanting more people to know about his relationship with Sebastian.

‘How about you guys talk?’ Alex said, pushing out his chair and disappearing down the corridor into one of the guest rooms too quickly for anyone to say anything.

He closed the door gently behind him and sat on the bed he’d changed himself during his cleaning shift and locked his hands between his bent legs. His ears were tense, listening for the sound of shouting.

Instead, about a minute later, there was a quiet knock on the door. It opened a crack, and Alex looked up and didn’t know what to say when he saw Demetrius looking in.

‘Can I come in?’ he said.

‘Uh, yeah, yes. Yes, sir.’

Demetrius’ lips thinned, and he walked in and closed the door behind him. Alex felt sick and didn’t know what was going to come next. What he didn’t expect was for Demetrius to sit on the floor against the opposite wall, legs bent, looking perfectly comfortable there.

‘I used to sit with Maru like this sometimes,’ Demetrius said, looking around the room. ‘We’d work on her robotics together.’

Alex just nodded.

‘I’m going to talk for a few minutes, and then – if you want – you can talk. How does that sound?’

‘That sounds fine, sir,’ Alex said.

Demetrius made a humming noise, like he wasn’t sure if he agreed with that, but then he nodded.

‘The whole town knows I’m not very skilled with emotional intelligence. I was fortunate that my family – when I grew up through the stages of childhood into adolescence and beyond – were emotionally intelligent and could perceive the things I couldn’t communicate. I didn’t see this as a skill. For a long time, I didn’t understand it as its own form of intelligence. It took Maru to help me understand it differently, because I recognised she had this intelligence, because she’s helped me understand interpersonal nuances I would miss otherwise.’

Alex nodded. He realised he knew nothing about Demetrius’ family. It was cool that they seemed nice, or whatever. Alex couldn’t relate.

‘I admit I didn’t have a fair opinion of you for a long time, because Robin told me stories of your family, and because of Sebastian’s experiences with you in high school.’

Alex nodded again.

‘I think you’re scared of me,’ Demetrius said heavily. ‘Over the years, I’ve scared a few people. Usually because they’ve made assumptions about me I can’t control, sometimes unfair or prejudiced ones. I ignore those people, because there’s no point correcting them. I have better things to do with my time. So it’s odd to be in a situation where I think you also see no point in correcting people if they misunderstand you or make unfair assumptions about you. I talked to Maru about this, and she gave me some websites to look at, some research to read.

‘Psychology is a soft science, of course, but sometimes we need soft sciences. They’re not for me. I don’t have the emotional intelligence to enjoy them. But I think I have a better understanding of some matters now. I can’t speak for Robin, but I don’t think my wife should have implied the things she did at dinner. Nor do I think I should have implied that you bullied my son into cleaning our house.’

‘It’s understandable, sir,’ Alex said.

Demetrius sighed. ‘I’m not good at these conversations, Alex.’

Alex shook his head. He thought Demetrius was doing fine, actually. But Alex was shit at these conversations. He couldn’t think of what Tim would want him to say or do. He couldn’t think of how to make it all better. He hated how afraid he was. He hated how little it had to do with Demetrius, specifically. He hated that it could have been Kent, and he’d still be shitting himself. He was so fucked up about this stuff.

‘Has Sebastian ever hurt you?’ Demetrius asked. Alex stared at him in shock. ‘I saw the way you flinched when Sebastian became angry at dinner the other night.’

‘No,’ Alex breathed. ‘No, sir, it’s nothing like that. He’s amazing. Really.’ Alex looked away again. ‘I know you don’t- I don’t know. But Sebastian’s great.’

Probably too good for someone like me, but whatever.

‘Does that mean Maru is right, and you flinched because the anger reminded you of things in the past?’

Alex cleared his throat and shrugged. He did not want to be the person helping Demetrius meander his way through whatever fucked up shit Alex had around families, parents, fathers, and his own history.

‘I came here to apologise,’ Demetrius said. ‘So, I’m sorry for how this situation has unfolded, and my role in it. I’d like for there to be more clarity between us, and between me and Sebastian, going forward.’

‘Uh. Okay. What do you need?’ Alex said.

‘What do you need?’ Demetrius said. Alex risked looking at him and then looked away again.

He felt like he was just shaking his head constantly. ‘Nothing, sir. I mean- I mean, it’d be cool if you…saw how great Sebastian was. Or- I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m not the person anyone should talk to about family stuff.’

‘Sebastian and I are very different people, with very different personalities. But you’re right, I am not good at including Sebastian or connecting with him. It’s not an excuse, but I was close to Sebastian’s age now, when I met Robin. I was not in a place to be the father of a child that wasn’t mine, and I made many, many mistakes. There are some things you can’t solve simply by reading a book or two on the subject, and applying logic to the situation. That’s not something I can solve today, either. But I wanted to get to know you better.’

‘Okay.’

‘Is there anything you want to share?’

Alex shook his head. No. There really wasn’t. He just wanted to disappear. He knew he was disappointing Demetrius. He knew Demetrius was really trying here and extending an olive branch. He knew the right thing to do would be to meet him halfway. He didn’t know how to get rid of his terror, and he didn’t know how to apologise to Demetrius for it. He knew it wasn’t Demetrius’ fault.

Demetrius was the one who had said Alex should stay at his birthday dinner, when Alex said he should leave.

‘Robin really hates me, huh?’ Alex said, then winced.

Yeah, shit, that really shouldn’t have been the thing he shared. He opened his mouth to apologise.

‘I don’t think Robin could hate many people,’ Demetrius said with a faint smile. ‘But she did not like your father at all. And she’s scared for her son.’

‘Yeah. Yeah, of course. It makes sense. I’d be worried too. If it was me. I mean I am- I mean…yeah.’

Alex’s knuckles were so fucking sore, because he couldn’t unlock his hands.

‘You know, Alex, I think many people would say there was nothing to be scared of. They’d defend themselves. Do you think you’re like your father?’

Alex had to turn aside and look at the wall that the bed backed onto. As far from Demetrius as possible. This shit made him so stupidly, embarrassingly emotional.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. His voice choked.

‘Why?’

‘Just do. Everyone does.’

‘Maru doesn’t,’ Demetrius said. ‘I trust her. I even explained to her that she never knew your father well, but she was firm. She said you’re much more like Evelyn, and that she knew Evelyn well enough to make the comparison. Does Sebastian think you’re like your father?’

Alex shook his head. He didn’t trust himself to talk.

‘What about Haley?’ Demetrius said. ‘You’re both friends, aren’t you?’

‘Uh. Yeah, we’re friends. And, no, she doesn’t think…I’m like- I mean she… She doesn’t think that.’

‘But you do.’

‘Just to be on the safe side,’ Alex said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Just in case,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t know. I have anger issues. I get mad sometimes.’

‘Everyone gets mad sometimes.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Sure. But not everyone gets mad like… Anyway, you know about science and genetics. Right? It’s genetic. It’s just there. Maybe people haven’t seen it yet, but it’s like dormant inside me. It’s just waiting. And if I’m not prepared for it, then that’s my fault. But if I’m prepared, then maybe when it comes, I can stop it before it gets bad.’

‘I’m more educated in the genetics of fruit and other botanical specimens, and to a degree in ichthyology and ecology, so I can’t speak to the genetics of humans to any advanced degree, but nor can you, Alex. I don’t think that’s how genetics work.’

‘But just in case,’ Alex said, his voice soft. ‘Just in case it’s better to be safe.’

‘I see.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘So I’m not mad at Robin, sir. In case you were worried about that.’

‘I’m not worried about that. I am concerned that-’

A louder knock on the door – Alex would know Sebastian’s knock anywhere – and then the door opened.

‘Hey, is everything-?’ Sebastian paused, then glared at Demetrius after looking at Alex. ‘What have you been telling him?’

Demetrius pushed up. ‘We’ve been talking.’

‘He’s upset.’

‘I can see that,’ Demetrius said evenly. ‘He was upset before I came in here. I don’t think that’s going to vanish during a single conversation with me. I wanted to understand things better.’

‘He’s not a science subject! He’s my boyfriend!’

‘I know,’ Demetrius said, not raising his voice at all. Alex could feel the weight of Demetrius’ gaze on him. And great, now he was fucking trapped in one of Sebastian’s guest rooms again. Again! How did this keep happening? This was Abigail 2.0 or something. ‘I’m not here to give him a hard time, Sebastian. I don’t want to do that.’

‘Yeah- I… Just… Give him some space. Alex, is that okay? Do you want some space?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘Sure.’

Sebastian’s expression creased, but he nodded, then stepped back so Demetrius could walk past him. Sebastian left the door ajar and went back to the kitchen with Demetrius.

Alex listened to the sound of his shaking breaths and covered his mouth with his palms. Shit, had they been audible the entire time? No. No, they hadn’t. He’d kept himself under control.

In that moment, he knew acutely that everyone who’d ever told him to see a therapist was so fucking on the money it wasn’t even funny.

What a disaster.

*

Minutes passed, and Maru, Sebastian, and Demetrius talked in the kitchen. Alex heard bits and pieces of what they talked about. Everything from Maru coming out to Demetrius as gay, and Sebastian talking a bit about his time in Zuzu, and Demetrius talking about experiments he was conducting by the mountain lake, and how there was a shortage of sturgeon because of Martingale’s overfishing and how they didn’t reproduce fast enough to balance it out.

When Demetrius tried to bring up Alex, Sebastian gently deflected him, but it didn’t seem rude.

Alex knew the right thing to do would be to go down and apologise for being so fucking weird, but he needed the timeout, the quiet room, the chance to just not be present during a family occasion.

He kept turning over Maru saying that Alex was more like Evelyn than his dad.

He’d never thought that was possible. Everyone assumed Alex took after his dad. Sometimes he wished he took after his mom. He’d never thought he could take after Grandma Evelyn or Grandpa George, too. It was nicer, somehow, to think about it that way. Grandma Evelyn always wanted people to be happy in her home, and she was caring and clean, and went out of her way for others, and was devoted to George. She was mischievous and cheeky sometimes, and made sly little jokes with double meaning, hinting at an earlier time when she was a younger woman. Haley adored her. Grandma Evelyn adored Haley. She adored Alex, too.

‘Your momma’s told me all about how you’ve taken care of her,’ she’d said to him, before Alex’s mom passed away, when things were bad and Alex was sure things would work out, because he didn’t really understand death or cancer. ‘You’re such a good little egg, aren’t you?’

‘M’not an egg, Grandma,’ Alex had said.

‘I know, I know,’ she said. ‘But calling you a “good little Alex” doesn’t have the same ring to it, does it? But you’re that, too.’

He hadn’t thought about that in ages, but he remembered that sometimes Grandma Evelyn would ask him the ways he was helping his mom, and he would explain trying to cook, or getting her blankets, or painkillers, and how actually child-proof locks on pill containers weren’t that child-safe at all if he could figure them out being as stupid as he was.

And she’d smiled sadly at him, and back then, he’d assumed it was because she was upset with him for opening something he shouldn’t but was too nice to upset him.

In hindsight, she was probably sad he’d had to learn something like that at all.

*

Alex heard the sounds of people leaving and suddenly realised he couldn’t leave things like they were, after Maru and Demetrius had gone out of their way to do this. He got up and walked down the corridor, and everyone was already at the door.

Alex’s heart felt like it was in his throat, and he looked at everyone, and felt light-headed.

‘Thanks,’ he said, looking at Demetrius, and then Maru. ‘Thanks for coming over. Sorry for…being this way.’

‘Alex,’ Demetrius said firmly, cutting across Maru quietly trying to say he had nothing to apologise for. ‘I’m going to tell you something my ma told me a long time ago. You’re allowed to apologise for many things in your life; but never apologise for being yourself when you haven’t harmed anyone. Because that just harms you.’

‘Well, you never told me that,’ Sebastian said.

‘I should have, and I apologise for that,’ Demetrius said with awkward politeness.

‘Yeah, okay,’ Sebastian said. ‘Thanks.’

Alex hoped that meant he hadn’t harmed anyone. Sometimes he wondered if it happened simply because he existed. Like stones that were radioactive and couldn’t help the way they were made.

‘I’ll be by some time, to survey how many species of frog are in your pond,’ Demetrius said. ‘It sounds like a little biodiversity win for the area. I’d like that.’

‘Sure,’ Sebastian said, smiling now.

They said goodbye to each other, and Sebastian closed the door and faced Alex.

‘Sorry for snapping at you at the table,’ Sebastian said. ‘You okay?’

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘Probably.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, grasping Alex’s shirt and pulling him close, pulling him into his arms. ‘It’s okay if you’re not, though.’

‘What about you?’

‘Well, by some miracle, I think he’s actually trying. I thought about holding it against him, that this is all being created by the perfect miracle that is his daughter, Maru, but then, like…life’s too short, you know? I’ll take what I can get. I didn’t realise, but him watching the way you reacted to Mom’s questioning really shocked him. I think he expected you to react like an angry, volatile person – probably more like me, actually – and less like…you.’

‘He asked if you hurt me,’ Alex said. ‘I wish he didn’t think of you like that.’

‘But that’s just it, Alex. That’s actually a pretty appropriate question to ask someone who’s so scared of their partner being angry, or other people being angry. I didn’t get the impression today that Dem thought I was an awful person, I think he’s concerned about the whole situation and even more concerned there’s a whole bunch of information he’s missing, because he doesn’t like lacking information.’

Alex nodded and pressed his face into Sebastian’s shoulder, glad for the hands that pressed firmly, warmly against his back.

‘I’m so bad at dads,’ Alex said.

Sebastian laughed. ‘I’m not bad at all of them, but I am bad at my own. That’s okay. Demetrius is awful at having a son. But at least he’s trying to figure it out.’

Sebastian didn’t let him go. He pulled Alex closer, and reached up and kept his head in place, his breathing steadying. Alex’s breathing slowly followed suit.

‘Mom’s being pretty bad at being a mom,’ Sebastian said eventually. ‘The way she told everyone. If I bring it up, she’s just going to deflect. Did Demetrius say anything awful to you?’

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘He was…nice. Just- You know, I don’t like personal conversations at the best of times.’

‘Truth.’

‘Uh, thanks, also, for not crowding me in that room.’

‘Yeah, I suddenly realised what I was doing as I was doing it. And you’re welcome. I’m glad you took some time out. Did it help?’

‘Actually, yeah. Even if it looked stupid, I think it helped.’

Sebastian nodded, and they moved to the couch, and Alex thought about how he should figure out what to do with the next few hours, but all he really wanted was to lean against Sebastian and watch dumb TV with him. Sebastian messed up his hair by touching it so much, and Alex liked it enough that his fear disappeared, and he was left with the thought that Demetrius was Alex’s age when he’d met Sebastian for the first time, and how ill-equipped Alex would be to raise a kid of his own at the age he was now.

It made him see the whole situation differently.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "The Door Behind the Door:"

"‘I mean I- Yeah, no,’ Alex admitted. ‘Having a violent thought means I’m right on the edge of doing something violent.’

‘Not always,’ Tim said. ‘Sometimes not at all. What it did mean is that you noticed how strong your emotions were, and for a moment, weren’t sure what to do with them. And then you made a decision, which was to go outside. Did it help to slam the door? Did it feel cathartic? As in…lowering how high your sudden distress was?’

Alex thought about it, then nodded. Didn’t that just prove that he was destined to become violent?

‘That’s good then. It did a good job in the moment, and I’m going to repeat that neither one of us got hurt. The door is still on its hinges. You were overwhelmed, and you dealt with that. And then you came back inside. That’s very human, Alex. Also, I think it bears saying, but you’re not only allowed to be angry, you are going to feel anger. Over time, you might even think about befriending it, getting to know it better. Your anger and upset just did an excellent job of trying to protect you from something you weren’t ready to explore.’

Alex just made a face at Tim, and Tim laughed.

‘I know, I know. We’ll table that one for another time too. Is it hard to tell me when something’s getting intense? That you might need a break?’

‘It’s just- Isn’t that the whole point of this? To talk about intense shit? To feel crappy?’"

*

I mean, fair question Alex, some therapists are very bad at their jobs and that's what they think it is too. But they're wrong. Unless their speciality modality is 'making clients feel like shit in a particularly intense way and slapping a 'congrats on feeling your feelings' sticker on their foreheads.' Anyway! I'm on Tumblr, and just want to shove both Demetrius and Alex in rooms to talk for the rest of my life.

Chapter 67: The Door Behind the Door

Notes:

I remember how in the beginning of this there were a few comments like 'Alex should get therapy to deal with his communication issues with Sebastian' and at the time thinking like 'oh we're way way way way way nowhere near Alex being ready for that in therapy' and now I get an opportunity to actually show why, which is cool sadlkfjdsa

‘So, uh, yeah, that’s how that went,’ Alex said to Tim, recounting how the dinner with Sebastian and his parents had gone at their next scheduled session. They were in Alex’s house again because it was too windy to walk outside. A summer storm was blowing in. The evening was warm and wild.

Overhead, the ceiling fan lazily turned. Alex made iced tea and served them both and thought therapy in the kitchen wasn’t too bad actually, because this was where he had all his weird fucking conversations with people. Unless it was Sebastian, and then he had them everywhere.

‘Can I just say I’m really impressed with how you handled everything,’ Tim said. Alex didn’t expect him to say that at all.

‘I was terrified the whole time,’ Alex said.

‘I’d like to say therapy solves having emotions, but unfortunately there’s no cure for the human condition,’ Tim said, with a wry smile. ‘But in terms of keeping your cool, trying to defuse the situation when it got explosive, and having the presence of mind to even try to be there for Sebastian after what was clearly a very charged evening, I think you did an amazing job. Do I think it might have been better if you’d left a bit earlier? Maybe. That’s not for me to decide. I think it’s given you some valuable insight into Sebastian’s family dynamic. What do you think?’

Alex frowned. He expected therapy to be way more focused on all the shitty things in his life, not talking about how he had “valuable insight” now, or whatever.

He leaned back in the chair and thought about it.

‘There’s a lot more between Sebastian and his mom than I realised,’ Alex said. ‘Like, they’ve always had issues, but it was pretty eye-opening seeing the way they went toe-to-toe while Maru and Demetrius both just sat there. It was obvious Maru and Demetrius were trying to, like, distract? Change the subject?’

Alex looked up to check he was right, and Tim nodded and smiled.

‘Yeah, uh, also Demetrius came over to Sebastian’s and like…apologised to me. And I was the worst, because I just sat there and choked up and then I started crying because I was scared. I think I’m just really scared of dads, actually? And it’s so specific. Willy’s an older guy, I’ve never been scared of him. Although I am scared of Mayor Lewis, and he’s not a dad, but he has like…dad-vibe.’

‘What does dad-vibe mean?’ Tim asked.

‘Uh, like, you know, seems like it’s fucking scary when they get angry.’

‘Hm. I think we can come back to that one. What was it like when Demetrius apologised to you? Why was he apologising?’

‘About- About the shit he said to me a while ago with like, disappointing my grandparents because I’m cleaning. And I guess making some assumptions about me. He said… He basically said he’d clocked that I was scared of him at the dinner, and he doesn’t really bother to correct people when they’re wrong about him, but he’d noticed I don’t correct people either, and then he said he’s bad at emotional stuff, and then he asked me if I thought I was like my dad, and I said I did, and he seemed…confused about that.’

‘In what way?’

‘Well, like, because he seemed to think that because Haley and other people I know don’t think I’m like my dad, that means I’m not like him. But I told him that anger like my dad’s is genetic, and dormant, and so I have to always think I’m like him, because that’s how I help other people be safe.’

Tim took a huge breath and blew it out, and Alex was getting the hang of therapy now. Enough to know that breath was a red fucking flag.

‘There are several ways we can come at this,’ Tim said finally, in that slower way he had of saying things, like he was composing every sentence before it came out. ‘We can talk about genetics, anger, dormant emotions, but what I most would like to know is how you keep other people safe. What does that look like for you?’

Alex would much rather have listened to a big conversation about genetics, and he didn’t really want to do that either. He hated talking about these things; looking inside himself for answers felt like burying into a rubbish dump filled with mostly nothing useful. It was dense and hard, and he couldn’t just say meaningful shit without really having to figure out where it was hiding in the first place.

It took a while, and Alex wasn’t sure Tim was going to find anything satisfying in it. He felt like Tim was probably going to lose patience with him at some point, if this kept happening.

‘I guess…I want the people I like to not be around me when I’m really angry at them or something else,’ Alex said, chewing on the side of his thumb, something he hadn’t done for a long time. ‘And I want to make sure they know they can rely on me if they’re in trouble. I want to help when things are bad. But I don’t want them to feel like…they can’t get away from me. Everyone needs an escape route, right? Even if you just don’t like someone. So if Sebastian told me he didn’t want to see me anymore tomorrow, I’d want him to think that was a safe thing to do, he could just get away from me if he needed to.’

‘And how would you make that a safe thing for him to do?’

‘Like, I’d just…not react much?’ Alex said. ‘I’d be really upset inside, for sure, but I’d try to not show it, so Sebastian wouldn’t have to be scared of what was coming.’

‘All right,’ Tim said. ‘That helps a lot, Alex. Thanks for sharing that.’

‘It probably all sounds stupid,’ Alex added.

‘It sounds like something you care about a lot. I can see that one of your strengths is how much you care about others. We’ve seen this one before. You have a lot of love for the people around you, in your inner circle.’

‘Well, yeah,’ Alex said, abruptly frustrated. ‘But love doesn’t mean shit, does it? When someone’s badly angry, love changes nothing.’

‘What does it mean to be badly angry?’ Tim asked.

Alex’s cheeks were getting hot. He knew where this conversation was headed. He felt like Tim was nudging him towards a door that had “my fucking dad” written on it in blazing letters, and he felt trapped. He folded his arms and glared at Tim. And Tim didn’t really react. He met Alex’s eyes for a while, then reached for the iced tea and took a sip, and sighed, his shoulders relaxing.

‘You’re looking a bit angry now,’ Tim said.

‘Just annoyed,’ Alex said, and he unfolded his arms and looked away. ‘It’s fine. I’m fine.’

‘You don’t have to talk about any of this if you don’t want to. It’s okay to tell me that. We have plenty of things we can talk about, because I’m still getting to know you, and you’re still understanding how I do things, and what therapy looks like, and how it can feel. We don’t have to stay in this room. And if you want to get up, walk around, you can.’

‘I said I’m fine,’ Alex said, and grimaced at himself. ‘But see what I mean? It’s just there. The anger is just there. It’s always waiting. I have to be like…on it.’

‘Well, until you tell me to change the subject, let’s circle back to the question I asked – what does it mean to be badly angry?’

‘Like, hitting people,’ Alex said. ‘Or punching them or whatever. Or yelling in their face. Or just…being really bad to them.’

‘I have to say I agree with you, love definitely doesn’t make those behaviours okay,’ Tim said. ‘Do you think people can be really angry without doing those things?’

Alex thought about Sebastian’s reaction the morning after the dinner, when he’d learned Robin had basically told the whole town about them. He’d been so mad. He thought about the way Sebastian had stalked from the bedroom into the kitchen, and Alex didn’t know what he’d been about to do, but eventually Sebastian hadn’t done much at all.

Despite the weather, despite the humidity, Alex felt cold.

‘I guess,’ Alex said. ‘Not me though. I’ve been mean. And yelled at people. And I used to be mean to Sebastian in high school. Some people just shouldn’t get angry. And I get angry at the wrong people, too. Like, aside from my dad, I’ve been angry at people who I never should be angry at about anything.’

‘Like who?’

My mom.

Alex closed his eyes. Well, shit, he’d thought that door was just his dad, but it turned out there was a whole lot of shit on the way to that door. He’d been avoiding talking about his dad in any detail, and he’d still ended up somewhere he didn’t want to be.

‘You’re gonna hate me,’ Alex said.

‘I promise I won’t,’ Tim said. ‘I don’t really hate anyone. That’s a lot of effort, honestly. But I really want to understand. Because once I have a better understanding, maybe I can give you some ideas, help you a bit more, and for that, it’d be good to hear what you think and feel. I know it’s hard. Sometimes we’ve never talked about this stuff before to anyone, yeah? Like I said, you don’t have to talk about it now, either. But what I can tell you is that I won’t hate you.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said. He tipped his head back. He was going to have to say it, because it wasn’t leaving him alone. ‘Lately I’ve been angry at my mom.’

Tim knew she was dead, that she died of cancer, that she was a victim of Alex’s dad, that she had a hard life. So now Tim knew that her good-for-nothing, ungrateful son hated her for literally no fucking reason at all. Of course, Tim would hate him.

‘Why have you felt angry at her? Do you know why?’

‘It was the eye exam,’ Alex said. ‘The stupid fucking eye exam. Realising I needed glasses probably since I was a little kid. And just sort of… My life got so much easier, man. So much fucking easier once I had those glasses. And the stupid thing is I don’t think we could’ve afforded them anyway, so I don’t know why I got angry at her. But ever since then I just keep thinking, like, if she’d just found a way to get me an eye exam, maybe I wouldn’t have been so shit at school. Isn’t that bad though? That’s so on me. I need to be the one who works harder, I’m just looking for someone to blame. But then I think about…’

Alex’s throat closed up; he stared fixedly at the table. He expected Tim to say something, but the silence pressed in for a long minute.

‘What do you think about?’ Tim asked, sounding way gentler than Alex expected.

‘Nothing,’ Alex said. ‘It’s mean.’

‘You’re allowed to be mean here,’ Tim said, and Alex’s eyes darted to his, saw the sympathetic smile Tim had on his face. ‘Therapy is one of the places you can be really mean and all I’m really going to do is try to understand what’s happening; or help you understand it.’

‘I don’t want to be mean to her,’ Alex said, anger rising in him at this whole conversation. What the fuck was Tim trying to even do? ‘She got enough of it. She had enough of it.’

‘But she’s not here right now, Alex,’ Tim said patiently, and Alex felt it like a chisel hammering at him, and he felt stupidly emotional suddenly, and he didn’t know why. It rose up bright and huge inside him, overwhelming and forceful. ‘You can’t hurt her, no matter what you say. No one can ever hurt her again.’

‘Fuck.’ Alex stood, resisted the urge to kick the chair across the kitchen, and then walked out of his goddamn house and slammed the door behind him. He stood on the porch. The wind gusted hot and rude onto his face, scoured his sore, burning eyes.

He rubbed his hands on his thighs, bending over to do it, needing the texture, the feeling. And then he straightened and placed his palms on his forehead and pushed his head back. He couldn’t believe he’d just done any of that. So fucking dramatic. But something was roiling inside him, and despite how gentle Tim sounded, how quiet his voice could get, Alex didn’t feel like that was gentle or calm at all.

He thought Tim would come out, check on him, but after a couple of minutes he realised he’d have to suck it up and go back inside, embarrassed at behaving like a piece of shit.

He took a huge breath and went back inside, walked into the kitchen and grimaced at Tim, who looked at him not angrily, but with a weird, open curiosity.

‘Sorry,’ Alex said. ‘Sorry about that.’

‘It’s okay. I’m glad you came back.’

‘It’s so bad that I just did that,’ Alex said. ‘Stupid, right?’

Alex forced a laugh, but Tim didn’t laugh, which was awkward as fuck.

‘Alex, I’m asking pretty probing questions,’ Tim said. ‘I’m not behaving like a friend you trust, who would back off much sooner. That’s why I’m going to remind you that you can stop when you need to. So, you doing what you just did was great. Sure, it’s not how you’d want to behave every day, but you did a really great job of showing me you’d had enough and needed a break. You then went and took that break. You didn’t hurt me; you didn’t hurt yourself. Do you want to go back to what we were talking about? Or do you want to talk about this instead?’

Alex felt exhausted, and he shrugged. ‘Maybe we could talk about how I reacted. Does that make me a coward?’

‘No. This isn’t easy either. Besides, none of this makes you a coward. You’re here, you’re trying. That’s literally all anyone can ask for.’

Alex sighed. ‘I slammed the door on you. That’s so rude.’

‘Well, maybe you were angry at me for leaning so hard into something sensitive,’ Tim said, like that was perfectly reasonable.

‘No- I mean, it’s just… The whole subject, I guess. I just- It was suddenly too much. I really wanted to kick the chair. See what I mean? I’m so violent.’

‘Alex, you had a violent thought. But you didn’t kick the chair.’

‘I slammed the door,’ Alex said.

‘Yes, that was violent towards the door, and I definitely don’t think it’s a good idea to slam doors all the time with your friends, or the people you care about, but something tells me you’re probably not doing that all the time.’

‘I mean I- Yeah, no,’ Alex admitted. ‘Having a violent thought means I’m right on the edge of doing something violent.’

‘Not always,’ Tim said. ‘Sometimes not at all. What it did mean is that you noticed how strong your emotions were, and for a moment, weren’t sure what to do with them. And then you made a decision, which was to go outside. Did it help to slam the door? Did it feel cathartic? As in…lowering how high your sudden distress was?’

Alex thought about it, then nodded. Didn’t that just prove that he was destined to become violent?

‘That’s good then. It did a good job in the moment, and I’m going to repeat that neither one of us got hurt. The door is still on its hinges. You were overwhelmed, and you dealt with that. And then you came back inside. That’s very human, Alex. Also, I think it bears saying, but you’re not only allowed to be angry, you are going to feel anger. Over time, you might even think about befriending it, getting to know it better. Your anger and upset just did an excellent job of trying to protect you from something you weren’t ready to explore.’

Alex just made a face at Tim, and Tim laughed.

‘I know, I know. We’ll table that one for another time too. Is it hard to tell me when something’s getting intense? That you might need a break?’

‘It’s just- Isn’t that the whole point of this? To talk about intense shit? To feel crappy?’

Tim’s smile was rueful. ‘Sure, sometimes. But I don’t want you to feel dread when you see me, because you’re hating how you feel every session. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed and over your limits. It’s hard to do good work when you feel that way. There’s a difference between…walking up to the edge of the cliff to see what’s over the edge, and running off it to find out the hard way. We want to kind of peer over that cliff. Maybe it’s not as steep as you thought. Maybe it’s actually got a better view than you thought. Maybe there’s a ladder down you didn’t know about. Or maybe you fall off the cliff and have a bad landing. That part- That part I like to avoid.’

‘All of this feels like falling off a cliff,’ Alex muttered.

Tim laughed, the sound surprisingly loud. But then he sighed. ‘Alex, you have a lot of big things in your life. I think probably more cliffs than the average person.’

‘I really did not mean to give you that impression,’ Alex said, frowning.

‘Why?’

‘Because I’m just- Because my life’s just… Because it’s all just ordinary.’

‘While abuse and domestic violence are sadly all too common, it’s not ordinary,’ Tim said. ‘There’s nothing ordinary about it. It’s awful. It shouldn’t happen at all. One incidence is too much. The reason you have more cliffs than the average person is because I think – and you don’t have to agree with me – that you were raised with an extraordinary level of violence. The reason I think you get overwhelmed and upset quickly isn’t because you’re a coward, but because knowing you have those cliffs in the first place is a lot to deal with. It’s hard to look at your inner landscape and realise there are things in place that other people aren’t having to deal with in the same way. Or having to deal with at all. And everyone sometimes has issues with anger, or grief, or fear, or whatever it might be. That’s so human, Alex. What you just did before, storming out like that, well I think if you watched me talk to Sebastian or Haley the way I just talked to you, about a really sensitive subject, you’d really understand them storming out too.’

Alex felt like the words were expanding inside him, like a crank forcing apart metal. He didn’t love the feeling. But he also felt like they were words he needed to hear. After a while, he just nodded. Yeah, Sebastian would totally storm out if someone went at him the same way about his family. And Alex wouldn’t hate him for that. He might be a bit afraid, though.

Alex sighed. Right. Well, all of that made sense, at least.

‘She was doing the best she could,’ Alex said, staring at nothing. ‘The absolute fucking best she could. More than anyone really should have to do in that situation. But I’m still mad at her. I still wish she’d done more. Maybe just helped me get glasses. I don’t know. Is that not like, the worst thing you’ve ever heard?’

‘No,’ Tim said, laying the word down between them like it was a simple thing, and not a small explosion in Alex’s mind. ‘Not even close. Maybe you even wanted her to rescue you.’

‘She couldn’t rescue herself,’ Alex said.

‘What you know logically and what you want and desire aren’t always the same thing,’ Tim said. ‘And that’s okay, Alex. You don’t have to use one to erase the other, you know? You can know she was doing her best, and you can wish that it was different, that you were saved by her. And you can be angry with her about that. You’re so used to judging yourself so harshly, but you can practice letting those things be. Practice treating them like…things that can co-exist in your mind. One doesn’t have to erase the other. One doesn’t undo the other. And in no way do these feelings and thoughts make you a bad person.’

Alex stared at Tim, and Tim just shrugged, like it was that simple.

‘How do you practice letting them be?’ Alex said.

‘You…practice,’ Tim said. ‘You notice when you have those feelings, and you tell yourself, “Well, I’m noticing I’m angry at my mom today, okay, so I’m angry. I’m just going to let that be.” Or, “Well, I’m noticing that I really want to get rid of my anger by telling myself something logical, or trying to distract myself by how much I love her, I’m just going to let that be too. They can both exist.” Like that. You don’t have to expect anything to change, there’s no getting it right or wrong, it’s just noticing more, and then letting it be. You notice it without judging it. No calling yourself a bad person. That’s the part you’re going to practice for me, all right? Until the next time I see you.’

‘But…’ Alex wrapped a hand around himself. ‘What if I get really violent? Hurt someone?’

‘If you feel that’s really going to happen, you can always contact me, Alex. I might not get back to you straightaway, but I will get back to you. I also have a feeling you’re not going to hurt someone violently because of this stuff. But it’d be nice if we could get you to stop hurting yourself so much, up here.’

Tim pointed up at his head, and smiled.

‘We just need to turn that strength you have at caring for others, towards yourself some more. Don’t worry, you’ll get the hang of it. You’re already so good at it with other people.’

The session wound down after that. Tim asked Alex where he got the tea for the iced tea, and Alex admitted it was from Farmer Martingale, who now grew the best tea in the valley, which was really fucking annoying, just on principle. No one could deny Martingale did actually grow the best produce out there, and no one could figure out how he did it. Though when Pierre complained about it, all Alex could think was that maybe if he stopped getting so fucking baked all the time when he stopped working, maybe he’d have more time for his supposed “prize-winning potatoes.” Whatever.

After Tim left, Alex stood by the front door and felt tired, strange, but not as upset or overwhelmed as he’d felt when he’d sworn and stalked off and slammed the door.

Tomorrow he was cleaning Sebastian’s, at least. And then the day after was the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, and the end of summer. Alex kind of wanted to bail, because it was the first time he’d have to see the whole town together, now he was officially out with Sebastian. But he also wanted to go down and see the jellyfish with Sebastian, because he knew Sebastian would be into all of that shit.

He thought of Willy calling them the summer child and the winter child and smiled. Yeah, that was kind of cool, actually.

‘God, I’m fucked,’ Alex said tiredly, and went down to his bedroom and laid on the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes and trying not to think about how it felt like he had official permission to be angry at his mom, and how actually, maybe he was really fucking angry about a lot of things in his past.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Dance of the Moonlight Jellies":

"Alex leaned his head back into Sebastian’s jaw, and felt like he was risking being pushed away, or being told he was asking for too much. But Sebastian didn’t do those things, he just kept Alex close.

‘So this is a date, huh?’ Alex said.

‘I guess,’ Sebastian said. ‘Pretty lazy date. I could’ve done better.’

‘I dunno, it’s got moonlight jellies, that’s pretty cool. Better than the Feast of the Winter Star, you know?’"

*

Sebastian 'pretty lazy date I just brought these once a year glowing jellyfish to the shores for you' and Alex 'please fuck me stupid after this.' I'm on Tumblr when I don't have Long Covid : )

Chapter 68: Dance of the Moonlight Jellies

Notes:

Date night!

It wasn’t until Alex was halfway through his sandwich that he noticed Sebastian looking at him oddly. Alex had done his cleaning shift without saying a word, and now he’d been eating without saying a word, and at this rate, he’d leave without saying a damn thing.

‘Shit,’ Alex said, wiping at his mouth.

‘You okay?’

‘Uh, yeah. I think. Just quiet.’ He pointed up at his head, then shrugged and looked away. ‘Had therapy yesterday.’

‘Got it,’ Sebastian said, drinking half of his coffee at once. ‘You want to talk about anything?’

‘You’re not mad?’

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘Why would I be mad?’

‘‘Cuz I’m not talking. You hate it when I don’t talk.’

Sebastian’s expression creased in a wince. He sighed.

‘I’ve dug my grave with this one,’ he said finally. ‘What I meant was, I don’t like it when you’re thinking big things about, say, this relationship, or me, or whatever, and you don’t tell me, but those things impact me, anyway. When you don’t give me a chance to hear you out, or don’t hear me out either. Or try to – you know – fast track a serious talk into sex.’

‘Ha, yeah,’ Alex said, thinking fondly of the times he’d done that.

‘Therapy is draining sometimes,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s- That’s allowed, Alex. I’m not gonna get mad at that.’

‘I’m in the silent place,’ Alex said, realising. He’d talked about it with Haley a while back, and she’d suggested bringing it up with Sebastian.

Sebastian looked a question at him, and Alex shrugged.

‘Sometimes I just get quiet. Uh. The night of the game, when I just walked out. It happened then. I just- I knew people were going to ask me if I was okay, and I couldn’t talk anymore.’

‘You’re talking now.’

‘Yeah, now, but I was in the quiet place before. Cleaning. Eating. I’ll go back into it again after.’

‘Cool,’ Sebastian said, like that was completely normal and not fucking stupid. ‘Before I lose you to the quiet place again, are we hanging out tomorrow night? It’d be our first night, like, together at an event. After the absolute cock-up that was me giving you a secret gift at the Feast of the Winter Star.’

‘Oh yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I love that book though.’

Sebastian’s smile was sweet, unexpected, almost too bright for a face like his that was instead graced with smirks, knowing smiles, quirked lips. He was just…full on smiling.

It made Alex’s chest do something, and he had to breathe through it, looking away.

‘We- We can hang out tomorrow night. If you’re cool with it?’

‘Uh huh, yeah, I’m down,’ Sebastian said. ‘Also, if you ever want to talk about stuff, you can. Even if it’s heavy. I mean, you’ve met me. You know I’m not scared off by heavy shit.’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t know. Maybe one day.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said, nodding, searching Alex’s face like he was checking he was really okay.

And then, by some miracle, Sebastian dropped it and left Alex to marinate in his own uncertainty, his own quietness, and even though it wasn’t comfortable, it was really what Alex needed.

He was grateful.

*

On Sunday, Alex spent most of the day either working out, or rotting in bed, though he did text Haley about the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, to confirm he would be there, and he’d be “out” with Sebastian. Which was going to be weird.

He couldn’t stop thinking about how Tim said Alex could be mad at his mom, because he couldn’t hurt her, because she was dead. It’d made him so mad even when he’d been talking about how much he hated being mad. He felt like a hypocrite, it’d felt like such an ugly moment, yet Tim hadn’t been mean to him about it.

Alex stared up at the ceiling and still didn’t want to be mad at his mom. But he was.

He didn’t want to live in this big house, yet here he was.

He’d give it away in an instant to live somewhere not so saturated with memories. He knew he’d miss everything here, but in a way, he wanted that. He wanted to miss it somewhere else. He didn’t want to miss it and still live in it. Sometimes he woke up and heard Grandma Evelyn’s voice calling to his Grandpa from the kitchen. Sometimes he came out of the shower and opened his mouth to say he didn’t take up all the hot water, only to remember he didn’t have anyone to say that to.

When Demetrius sat on the floor in Sebastian’s guest bedroom with him, that had done something to him. It felt like something a real dad would do. Like one from TV. One of the nice ones, maybe even one from an advertisement or something.

Alex wanted Demetrius to be like that to him all the time, but he was so terrified of it. He was still so fucking scared. Grown adult men, with an exemption for Willy, because he’d never had a wife or kid to beat, and Harvey, because same.

He rolled over onto his stomach and hugged the pillow to his face.

Knowing why he was scared didn’t make the fear go away. If anything, it made him feel more childish, more unable to do anything right. All these people who didn’t deserve his fear.

But he thought he’d put up with being that scared more, if he could have more experiences like the one he had with Demetrius.

Dumb. Fucking dumbass. And then he’ll get to know you and realise what a fucking loser you are.

‘Shut up,’ he murmured to himself.

Yeah, well, he could tell therapy wouldn’t fix him in a few sessions, that’s for sure. What he didn’t like was the creeping feeling that maybe his upbringing had messed so much up, he might actually need that therapy shit for a while.

He didn’t want to be fucking broken.

*

Alex agreed to meet Sebastian on the jetty in the evening on Sunday. He pretended he didn’t see Caroline, who walked towards him like she wanted to talk to him. And he tried not to make eye contact with anyone else, though when he saw Jodi near Willy’s place, he lifted his hand in a wave.

She immediately rose onto her tiptoes and waved vigorously, beaming at him, and then her son Vincent did the same. Alex’s lip quirked. Cute. Embarrassing, kind of cringe, but still cute.

His trainers were quiet on the jetty, and the waves were quiet against the posts that anchored it today. He looked at the big stone to his right as he passed it and then looked ahead and told himself not to be nervous. He knew all these people. Fuck. He liked these people.

Sam and Haley stood close to each other – though not so close people would know for sure they were together – and Sam pointed out something in the water and exclaimed in excitement.

‘Literally just another fish, babe,’ Haley said, shaking her head.

On the dark, almost opaque water, the little boats with their candle-lanterns glowed golden all across the Gem Sea, not yet released, ready to greet the Moonlight Jellies floating to their shores.

David and Victoria had driven down, and David gave Alex a calm nod of greeting. Alex nodded back. Victoria smiled at him, her eyes way too kind given Alex hadn’t really done enough for her to look at him like that.

Sebastian stood off on his own, wearing black jeans, black fuck-off leather boots, and a long-sleeved shirt that was, of course, black.

‘Are you ever not a fucking goth?’ Alex said when he was close enough.

‘You ever not a jock?’ Sebastian said, giving Alex the kind of once-over that had Alex biting the inside of his cheek.

‘You should dress him up like a goth in winter,’ Haley said to Sebastian.

‘I will,’ Sebastian said. He made eye contact with Alex, almost like he was double-checking everything was okay.

Alex knew, he fucking knew if he looked over his shoulder to the next nearby jetty, everyone there would be staring at them. His shoulders were tense.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, reaching out and grabbing Alex’s wrist, fingers warm despite the ocean breeze, and strong. Sebastian yanked him forward, didn’t even step back when Alex fell into his chest.

‘Dude,’ Alex muttered in protest.

‘Relax,’ Sebastian disagreed, lowering his head so he could speak into Alex’s ear. ‘Just let everyone know who you belong to.’

No one else seemed to hear what Sebastian said, thank fuck. When Alex straightened, Sebastian had a possessive arm around his shoulders, and Alex refused to look over at the rest of the town – the whole fucking town – over near Willy’s or on the rest of the jetty.

‘Hopefully we can get our scheduling together soon and play another game,’ David said to Sebastian, like he was picking up the previous conversation thread.

‘I can play this Wednesday,’ Haley said.

‘Me too,’ said Sam.

‘I’m fr-free,’ Victoria said, and then smiled. ‘David is too.’

‘I can come,’ Alex said.

‘That was surprisingly easy,’ Sebastian said. ‘All right, so to sort scheduling in the future, we’ll just make sure we all meet up at a seasonal event, then.’

‘Sounds g-good,’ Victoria said. She winced. ‘B-big crowds,’ she said, in apology for her stuttering.

‘Thankfully,’ Sam said, ‘the big crowds stay over there. Sebastian keeps them away. He’s the bouncer.’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian agreed. ‘Besides, it’s nothing to just trip someone, and, “Whoops, I don’t know what happened, sorry you’re in the sea now.”’

Alex smiled darkly. ‘You mean like the year you did that to me?’

‘Exactly like that,’ Sebastian said shamelessly.

Alex didn’t even mind, because he knew he’d earned it. He couldn’t remember what he’d done, but he knew even as he fell into the ocean that he’d had it coming.

‘He did it to me too,’ Sam said, tilting his head at Sebastian. ‘You’re pretty incorrigible, now that I think about it.’

‘You literally threw an empty Joja can at a glowing jellyfish.’

‘I got bitten when I tried to pet it! And then I got bit when I fell in!’

‘Stung,’ David said. ‘Jellyfish can’t bite you.’

‘Not this again,’ Sam said in exasperation. ‘They bit me.’

‘Babe,’ Haley said, pulling her camera out of her handbag, pointing it towards a lantern. ‘Trust David.’

‘Maybe glowing jellyfish are special, and they have teeth,’ Alex said, winking at Sam. Sam’s smile was immediate.

‘Yeah,’ Sam said. ‘Maybe you all need to get up close and personal with them to really understand. Go for a swim or something.’

Haley handed her camera casually to Sam, who took it and held it like this was something they’d done before. Alex was familiar with “camera holding duty” while Haley did something else. Which was – right now – to send a quick text on her phone.

‘Who’re you messaging?’ Alex asked.

‘No one,’ Haley said airily.

‘Oh, she’s definitely messaging someone,’ Sebastian deadpanned.

‘I’m messaging Mayor Lewis and telling him Sam’s threatening us with violence,’ Haley said.

‘Stop!’ Sam said, looking over at her phone. ‘Oh. Thought you were serious for a second.’

‘Yeah, Sam, because that’s how tight me and Mayor Lewis are,’ Haley said, laughing. Sam laughed a moment later, and Alex saw the way he looked at her and thought, Yep, it’d be a miracle if no one thought they weren’t hooking up after tonight. Damn.

Victoria laughed.

In less than two minutes, Maru and Penny walked down the dock towards them. They weren’t holding hands, but Alex wondered how he’d never fucking noticed how close the two of them were. Like, how did people not clock that they’d been sitting next to each other on the same bench in Pelican Town, just quietly talking, for literally years?

‘Hi everyone,’ Maru said with a smile. Then she looked at Haley. ‘I don’t actually know the answer to this one. My areas are robotics and engineering. Penny is an actual teacher.’

‘Unfortunately – or maybe fortunately, depending on who you ask – jellyfish don’t bite,’ Penny said.

‘No!’ Sam exclaimed. ‘My story!’

‘But they do sting. And I think the bioluminescent ones are lovely. It’s so nice that they come in like this once a year, isn’t it?’

‘Yes!’ Victoria said. ‘It’s why we’re visiting! I’m V-Victoria. This is David.’

‘Hey,’ David said, giving Maru and Penny a nod.

‘Um,’ Maru said, looking around, suddenly awkward. ‘So we can- I guess we’ll just…go?’

‘Why?’ Sebastian said, staring at her. ‘You can both stay. It’s not a gated community.’

Penny smiled, but Maru stared at Sebastian longer, like she was really checking it was okay. Now that Alex thought about it, he almost never saw Maru and Sebastian hanging out at events.

‘Stay!’ Haley said. ‘The balance is really so towards dick right now. Please, for the sake of humankind, do the strong thing and stay with me and Victoria. It’s like your mission.’

‘Well, I guess if it’s a mission,’ Maru said, brightening. She walked over to Haley. Penny hung back, closer to Sebastian and Alex.

‘Are you having an okay night?’ Penny said to Alex, surprising him.

‘Yeah, I am, actually. You?’

‘Yes. Are you sad to be saying goodbye to the season?’

‘Oh, he is every year,’ Haley called, without even looking up from something she was showing Sam and Maru on her phone.

‘Maybe not so much this year,’ Alex said, after thinking about it. ‘Do you like summer?’

‘I like every season,’ Penny said, clasping her hands in front of her and looking out contemplatively towards the sea. ‘There’s so much happening, even when it seems cold and quiet. I think tonight’s one of my favourite festivals. It’s so simple. We all come to watch these glowing jellyfish, who are doing what they’ve always done, for hundreds of thousands of years. At least. We send off our lanterns. We make ourselves a part of it without hurting them. I wish we could be like that more.’

Maru turned to Penny and smiled at her, and Alex had never in his life thought about this festival much at all. It was mostly a good excuse to come down to the beach with his grandparents. His mom had liked it too, though, standing on the dock, pointing all of the jellyfish out to Alex.

His dad would eventually get sick of it.

‘Give it up, they’re the fucking same, you fucking moron,’ he’d snap. And then he’d look around for Gus, to see if it was time to call it quits and go to the Stardrop Saloon yet.

Alex would hold his mom’s hand and be too scared to point any jellyfish out after that, and they’d stand there in silence.

In a way, he’d never actually thought about what it might mean to anyone else here to see the jellyfish. It was just something the Valley did. Something they’d always done.

‘I like your way of thinking about it,’ Alex said finally. ‘I’m gonna try to look at it like that from now on.’

‘Really?’ Penny said, like she was surprised he’d want to take on any of her perspectives. ‘Well…thank you.’

Alex smiled and shrugged. Penny walked over to stand next to Maru, and then there was some movement on the dock nearby, and Alex knew Mayor Lewis was waiting to see if the farmer would even come tonight. There were a few years where Mayor Lewis would hold back getting started until Martingale arrived, but in the last couple of years, Martingale had stopped turning up to most of the festivals.

Sebastian rubbed Alex’s upper arm, and Alex liked how Sebastian pressed up behind him, warm and strong.

‘You don’t think this thing with the jellyfish is dumb, do you?’ Alex asked.

‘No,’ Sebastian said. ‘I literally have a giant frog pond in my back garden that backs onto my bedroom. Jellyfish are dope.’

‘Okay,’ Alex said. ‘Cool.’

‘You?’

‘I don’t know much about them.’

Mom liked them.

Alex closed his eyes. No. He’d never thought about his mom this much until his grandparents died. It was like they’d died, and in the hollow space left behind, it wasn’t just their loss he had to confront, but hers too. Of course he’d felt sad here and there over the years, but now he thought about her every damned day.

‘I like them,’ Alex admitted.

‘I mean, they glow, they have a theatrical sense of timing. I did a game campaign once with Sam and Abigail, which had glowing jellyfish in it.’

‘Nice,’ Alex said. ‘Did they bite Sam?’

‘Amazingly, they did,’ Sebastian said, and laughed softly. ‘Because I found that hilarious.’

David, Victoria, Haley, Sam, Penny and Maru had clustered nearby on the other side of the jetty, talking about different things together. It was nice to not feel crowded, to stand so close to Sebastian like this. He could feel the force-field their little section of the jetty gave off, he just knew none of the older folks would come bother them here.

Once, it was the place where all the teenagers came to smoke. It had its own reputation. Now they were making the most of it.

Despite having the image of being a cool kid, Alex had never been cool enough to stand here. He’d always left it to Sebastian, Sam and Abigail, while he’d stood further back with Haley, or been with his grandparents.

About ten minutes later, a quiet bell rang, and Sam, Victoria and Maru released all the little candle-lantern boats in front of their jetty, as others did the same all along the docks.

The waves were kind tonight, gently taking the boats out across the sea in slow little bobs, glowing lights that were distinct up close and then turned into fuzzy stars along the coastline.

The change happened in minutes, going from golden glows to ghostly blues and greens as the moonlight jellies drifted forward underneath the boats floating away, gracefully moving with the currents, clustering around the shallow seas for a rare feed while the algal blooms were high.

Sam pointed out the first one he saw, and he and David both crouched down on the jetty to get closer.

Haley took photos, Penny explained some of the science to Maru, who spent most of her time staring adoringly at Penny, and not at the ocean.

Alex leaned his head back into Sebastian’s jaw, and felt like he risked being pushed away, or told he was asking for too much. But Sebastian didn’t do those things; he just kept Alex close.

‘So this is a date, huh?’ Alex said.

‘I guess,’ Sebastian said. ‘Pretty lazy date. I could’ve done better.’

‘I dunno, it’s got moonlight jellies, that’s pretty cool. Better than the Feast of the Winter Star, you know?’

Sebastian’s laugh rumbled through Alex’s back. Did he always used to laugh this much? He seemed to laugh so much more than he used to these days. Sebastian ducked his head down.

‘Hey, stay the night?’ Sebastian said. ‘Spend the night with me.’

There was nothing to think over. It was what Alex wanted to do anyway.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Learn Something New":

"‘Come on, move towards me,’ Sebastian said. ‘Head off the bed, remember?’

Alex shimmied back using his heels to help him, and one of his hands clenched into the blankets, and Sebastian saw it, and he had a dumb, confident look on his face.

Alex hated how much it suited him. He remembered Sebastian looking like that on his motorbike sometimes. Like he owned the whole world. Shattered Alex’s idea that teen goths were supposed to be shy, wide-eyed introverts. Sebastian had always acted like he was better than everything in Pelican Town.

‘You’re all nervous,’ Sebastian said, faintly mocking. ‘That’s cute, Alex. All you gotta do is open your mouth, I’ll teach you the rest.’

‘You’re so not hot, right now,’ Alex said."

*

I'm on Tumblr!, and I went to Kings Park with a friend today whee, it's wildflower season right now, everything is so pretty

Chapter 69: Learn Something New

Notes:

I didn't actually intend for chapter 69 to be filled with deepthroating but like, nice.

Author’s note: While there is no vomiting in this chapter, there is talk around not wanting to vomit/fear of it. Also this consent in this chapter is the kind of dubious we’ve had the whole time, but it might feel a bit sharper here, because while Alex is a masochist, I think he feels best when he complain about what's happening in his head the entire time

Alex and Sebastian left the others to enjoy the rest of their night at the beach. Alex sort of wanted to stay. Everyone was having such a good time. But there was a heat in Sebastian’s eyes that promised the kind of night Alex had been craving for ages. So much had been getting in the way of them fucking, it was stupid.

Leaving early also had the benefit of meaning Alex didn’t bump into any of the townspeople on their way back. They walked through a deserted Pelican Town, and Sebastian squeezed Alex’s hand in his, sometimes so hard it nearly hurt.

‘Ease up, man,’ Alex said, wincing.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, like Alex had said something else entirely. ‘You want to learn how to take my whole cock down your throat tonight?’

Alex’s steps slowed, but Sebastian’s didn’t, and Alex was pulled along until they matched pace again. Alex looked at him, and Sebastian stared ahead, the corner of his mouth turned up in a smirk.

‘So, we’re in public,’ Alex said.

‘Barely. Everyone’s looking at the jellyfish.’

‘You- I…’

Alex enjoyed giving head, he did, so sue him, he really was gay, and he liked dick. But the feeling of Sebastian brushing up against the back of his mouth, nudging against his throat, was scary. He wanted to know how far he could go, but he didn’t want to get sick, and he didn’t want Sebastian to make fun of him, and it all seemed kind of humiliating.

Mainly because he knew what his dad would say and do if he knew Alex had ever done something like that.

But he wanted to do the things Sebastian wanted to do. He wanted Sebastian to fucking ruin him sometimes, to turn him inside out, to show him he could be destroyed by something sensory and huge, and survive it, even fucking want it.

‘You don’t have to,’ Sebastian said, looking sidelong at Alex. ‘It’s why I asked.’

‘If I puke, I really don’t want to be the one that has to clean it up,’ Alex said.

‘Sure,’ Sebastian said.

‘I really don’t want to fucking puke!’ Alex added.

‘That’s not up to me.’ Sebastian’s low laugh was the laugh of a smug shithead. ‘I’ll ease you into it. I promise. Just…let me mess you up. Come on.’

‘You do that anyway.’

‘Yeah, I want to do it this way.’

They walked past the Community Centre, and Alex shuddered with heat when Sebastian’s hand moved from Alex’s hand to his wrist, fingers tightening carefully. It didn’t hurt, but it felt like ownership. Alex had just spent the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies with him, and they were together, and the town knew.

The town knew.

His dad hadn’t come back to life and bashed his head in. Haley was still his best friend. Penny was really nice. Maru was cool. David and Victoria were shaping up to be good friends. Sam was actually someone Alex could see himself hanging out with, which was wild.

‘On a scale of one-to-ten, how bad is it gonna hurt?’ Alex said finally.

‘Alex,’ Sebastian said, ‘if you don’t want to do it, you can just say.’

‘I didn’t say I didn’t,’ Alex said stubbornly. ‘I just also don’t want to say that I do.’

His voice turned mulish. Yeah, no, it was way better when Sebastian just made him do shit. Where was the guy who shoved him against walls?

‘Just…’ Alex took a huge breath and stared up at the sky. ‘Why do we have to have all this conversation about it before? Why can’t you just-? You know. I wouldn’t be- This… This wouldn’t be happening if I didn’t like the way you took charge and shit. You warned me so much in the beginning that you weren’t nice and you were this big, bad sex machine or whatever, and it turns out you’re just this queer IT guy.’

‘Oh, you are fucking getting it when we get back,’ Sebastian breathed, and laughed to himself. Alex pressed his lips together, terrified, apprehensive, kind of thrilled.

They kept walking – in silence now – until they walked up the wooden steps to the landing of Sebastian’s front door.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, as they took off their shoes, ‘don’t complain to me later about how much you end up crying.’

‘Fuck off,’ Alex said, clearing his throat, ‘who else am I gonna complain to?’

Sebastian’s breath of laughter felt so fucking nice, even if Alex was scared of what was going to happen next.

*

They were halfway down the corridor when Sebastian pushed Alex against the wall and bracketed him in place with his arms. He didn’t kiss Alex’s mouth like Alex expected, but ducked down and bit his jaw, licking across it, even as Alex tilted his head to give Sebastian more access to his neck.

Sebastian’s tongue was hot against his skin, hotter than summer had been, and his teeth dug into the sensitive nerves at the underside of his jaw, where it met his neck. Alex felt Sebastian’s lips seal over the skin there, the suction, and groaned absently, then fisted his hand into Sebastian’s shirt.

‘No marks,’ Alex said. ‘Just-’

‘-The whole town knows,’ Sebastian breathed against Alex’s neck, making him shiver. ‘The whole fucking town knows.’

Yeah, yeah, that was true. Alex’s eyes closed, and he just nodded, and Sebastian grasped a handful of Alex’s hair and his fingers tightened, pulling his head sideways as he sealed his mouth on his neck, sucking strongly enough that it ached and prickled, teeth scraping over his skin, back and forth, less about making it feel good and more about pure claiming.

‘Ah, shit,’ Alex managed, digging his fingers into Sebastian’s side. ‘You…’

Sebastian moved his mouth down to the base of Alex’s neck and bit hard enough that it hurt, and Alex gasped, words deserting him. His dick was firming up, moving against the fabric of his boxers, and his other arm reached up and grabbed at Sebastian’s shoulder, fingers digging into muscle, wondering if he should care that he wasn’t the top in this relationship. He so didn’t want to be.

The hand in his hair tightened further, then let go abruptly, and Alex’s panting was interrupted by three fingers shoving rudely into his mouth, muffling his surprised cry. Sebastian’s other hand dropped between Alex’s leg, took up his dick and balls in a clumsy handful, and then it moved away before Alex could react, his leg sliding between Alex’s legs, thigh pushing up, and then up, until Alex groaned uncomfortably against Sebastian’s fingers in his mouth.

Alex’s breathing was uneven as Sebastian bit gently at Alex’s jaw, as his thigh pushed up too hard to be comfortable, as Alex sucked the ocean salt off Sebastian’s fingers. He didn’t even hate it.

Sebastian’s thigh shoved up in a quick jerk, meanly enough that Alex felt the pressure on his balls all the way up into his belly, and he couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. When he could, he gasped. He tried to swear around Sebastian’s fingers, but it didn’t work.

‘So I’ve got a good angle, huh?’ Sebastian said into Alex’s ear before licking over it. His thigh rocked up again, harder this time, and Alex’s hand slapped back against the wall. That fucking hurt. It wasn’t sharp, but the ache held a nasty edge to it.

Alex wrenched his head to the side, getting Sebastian’s fingers out of his mouth.

‘If I wanted to be kneed in the balls, I’d fucking…’ He couldn’t relax when Sebastian pushed his thigh up again and left it there, face close enough to Alex’s mouth that it was like he wanted all of Alex’s panting. ‘It- Yoba curse you, Sebastian, you’re such a motherfucker.’

‘I know,’ Sebastian said, his voice lower than before. ‘You sound so good taking it. The shit you let me do. Deepthroating is probably going to be easier than this.’

‘Probably,’ Alex echoed, and then shoved half-heartedly at Sebastian’s chest. ‘You’re giving me a stomach-ache.’

‘From this?’ Sebastian said, nudging up a little higher.

Alex’s body jolted like he wanted to sag, but he couldn’t, because that would make the pain worse. Sebastian’s arms shifted, holding him in place against the wall, and his thigh slowly eased off, and it didn’t help straight away. Alex locked his knees, shoved his spine into the wall, made a sound of despair when Sebastian pushed his fingers back into Alex’s panting mouth. Sebastian turned his fingers sideways, so they were no longer flat against Alex’s tongue, and he spread them, forcing Alex’s mouth to open wide.

Sebastian studied him, a serious intent on his face as his fingers stroked the inside of Alex’s cheeks, pressed up into his soft palate, made Alex jerk and then cough, feeling disgusting and embarrassed when he got spit all over Sebastian’s hand.

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said, asking a much bigger question.

Alex stared at him for a long time, then nodded.

‘Cool.’

Sebastian slid his fingers free and dragged Alex down to his bedroom with a hand around his upper arm, then shoved him onto the bed, crawling on top of him, reaching for his glasses and sliding them off his face.

‘Wait, wait, be careful,’ Alex said, panicking, reaching for them.

Sebastian stilled, then looked between Alex and his glasses. ‘It’s okay,’ he said. ‘They’ll get in the way otherwise. I won’t damage them.’

‘Sure, yeah, I just…’ Alex swallowed.

‘You want them back?’

Alex shook his head. He could still see okay without them. He’d just gotten so used to wearing them all the time, he now felt naked – more vulnerable – without them on his face. He watched as Sebastian gently set them down next to the bed, and blinked wide-eyed at Sebastian lowering down, kissing him again, chasing the worst of the panic away.

Ah, it was good. It’d been way too long since they’d done anything like this. Alex liked the weird bruising feeling in his lower gut and balls. He wanted to get a hand around himself and jerk off, wanted Sebastian inside him, wanted all of it. He clutched onto Sebastian’s shoulder, arched his hips up to catch some friction, only to get nothing at all.

Sebastian laughed against his cheek. ‘You need to be in a different position for deepthroating. We’ll make it easy for your first time.’

‘Like how?’

‘Like you need to be lying sideways on the bed, with your head hanging off the mattress.’ Sebastian straightened, then placed the fingers of one hand over Alex’s throat, and the fingers of his other hand into Alex’s mouth, pushing between his teeth. ‘That way, I get a straight run all the way through.’

Alex swallowed reflexively, couldn’t handle the way Sebastian’s gaze darkened.

‘Strip off,’ Sebastian said, removing saliva slick fingers from Alex’s mouth. ‘Get into position.’

Alex took off his shirt automatically, pulled off his socks, and thought of the position as his cheeks burned. Surely if Sebastian was standing and shoving his dick into Alex’s mouth, in that position, then Sebastian wouldn’t be able to see Alex’s face if anything went wrong. Alex scratched the back of his neck after taking his pants off, and then moved on the bed, lying down parallel to the pillows, not yet letting his head hang off the bed.

He looked up at Sebastian, who was still standing, who had done nothing more than unbuckle his belt and take his half-hard dick out, one hand curved around it.

Yeah, that shouldn’t be hot, but it kind of was.

‘You’re freaking out,’ Sebastian said, like he wasn’t concerned at all, and more like he found it amusing. He stepped closer and brushed his fingers over Alex’s cheek, his eyebrows, his lips. ‘You don’t even know how much I’ve thought about this.’

‘Yeah?’ Alex said shakily. ‘Really?’

‘So much,’ Sebastian said, letting go of his dick and cupping Alex’s face, fingers curving around the underside of his jaw.

‘Thought you were trying to get me to talk, not shut me up.’

Sebastian said nothing in response to that, not even a quip. His fingers brushed over Alex’s chest, scratching through the thin hairs, and then he cupped Alex’s face once more.

‘Come on, move towards me,’ Sebastian said. ‘Head off the bed, remember?’

Alex shimmied back using his heels to help him, and one of his hands clenched into the blankets. Sebastian saw it, and looked way too self-satisfied and confident.  

Alex hated how much it suited him. He remembered Sebastian looking like that on his motorbike sometimes. Like he owned the whole world. It shattered Alex’s idea that teen goths were supposed to be shy, wide-eyed introverts. Sebastian had always acted like he was better than everything in Pelican Town.

‘You’re all nervous,’ Sebastian said, faintly mocking. ‘That’s cute, Alex. All you have to do is open your mouth, I’ll teach you the rest.’

‘You’re so not hot right now,’ Alex said.

Sebastian’s dick brushed over his face, his lips, and Alex reflexively opened his mouth, and the perspective was so fucking weird. Sebastian had to spread his legs, squat a little to get the angle right, and Alex would’ve made some kind of joke about how Sebastian probably shouldn’t be skipping leg day if he wanted to do something like this, but the head of Sebastian’s dick pushed into his mouth, and talking was going to have to wait.

It was familiar, even if everything was upside-down, even as Alex experienced the rush of blood flowing to his head. He had the taste of Sebastian’s dick on his tongue, and he sucked automatically, and for a while, Sebastian just rocked in with the tiniest movements, where Alex kept expecting roughness.

Alex’s breathing settled, then hitched again when Sebastian pushed deeper, and then deeper, no longer anything slow and easy, but shoving forward rudely, and Alex’s heels dug into the bed as he arched slightly on a gag. Saliva flooded his mouth, and he coughed, Sebastian sliding out of his mouth all at once.

‘Fuck you,’ Alex managed, still coughing, wiping at his mouth clumsily.

‘Gonna have to fuck that gag reflex out of you.’

‘This isn’t- I swear to Yoba if you come in my eyes again.’

‘Hey, no, it’s okay,’ Sebastian said, his tone changing, turning sincere. ‘I’m coming down your throat.’

Alex wanted to glare at him, but it wasn’t like he could see much with Sebastian’s fucking cock and balls hovering over his face. Yeah. Whatever.

‘Practice swallowing,’ Sebastian said.

‘My throat literally isn’t meant to stretch that much.’

‘I know. That’s what makes it so good,’ Sebastian said, faintly breathless. ‘Open up.’

Sebastian’s dick tapped against the side of his face impatiently, and Alex ground his teeth together and then opened his mouth, resisting the urge to scrape the tender skin with his teeth, because Sebastian would get him back for that one day.

A slow slide back and forth, testing, and then Sebastian moved deeper into his mouth, towards Alex’s throat once more, and immediately Alex could tell the angle – lying down like this – was fucking dangerous, because it wasn’t like kneeling for Sebastian’s dick at all. Sebastian was right. If he really wanted to, he could fuck straight through.

First, they had to get past Alex gagging again, though this time Sebastian’s hands gripped tight around Alex’s head, keeping him in place as Alex’s chest heaved, and his throat clenched, trying to shove Sebastian out again. Alex heard his own muffled, panicked noises, heard Sebastian breathing heavily above him, fast and hungry, and slapped the bed a few times, annoyed, turned on, because he hated it, and he fucking loved it.

Sebastian pulled back enough that Alex stopped gagging, then slapped his chest hard enough to make Alex’s eyes widen. That stung!

‘You have to remember to swallow when you gag. Or just before.’

Alex couldn’t respond, halfway through a breath stuffed back into him, Sebastian pushing back in, digging fingers into Alex’s pectoral hard enough to bruise, drawing his attention from the choked, too-full feeling in his mouth, at the top of his throat.

‘Swallow, Alex,’ Sebastian said, his voice hard, sharp.

It was like Sebastian knew how to make Alex’s body work, because Alex’s throat moved in an attempt, an ache blooming around the head of Sebastian’s dick.

‘Again.’ Sebastian groaned softly.

Alex had a moment where his brain glitched, trying to convince him a deep breath that was more important, and then he swallowed again, hardly thinking about it.

All at once, far too fucking fast, Sebastian sank all the way into Alex’s throat, forcing it open. The stretch was sharp. Alex thought it was worse than being fucked in the ass even, especially with breathing being a logistical nightmare, his body trying to choke up whatever was suffocating him. His heels dug into the bed, his ass left the mattress as he arched up, reaching back to push Sebastian away from him.

Sebastian caught his wrists, and Alex’s fingers splayed desperately.

‘Fuck,’ Sebastian groaned out. ‘That’s so fucking good.’

If only the praise was oxygen, but it fucking wasn’t.

Alex made a frantic sound that got stuck in his chest and neck, and Sebastian slid back all at once as Alex heaved for breath and coughed violently, feeling disgusting. This was so fucking disgusting. He was covered in spit. It was all over his chin, his mouth. His throat felt open.

He made a breathless, punched out noise, and was too dazed to manage anything else as Sebastian’s dick bullied its way back into his mouth again. Alex had enough presence of mind to swallow, a miserable sound stuck in his throat, eyes screwing up, and he realised Sebastian was still holding his wrists up in the air, because Sebastian’s thumbs rubbed deep circles into his palms, like reassurance.

Ah, damn. I’m screwed.

Sebastian’s balls touched his nose and forehead, which would be a fucking joke except it felt like Alex was the punchline. Pubic hair tickled his chin. Alex couldn’t help the tears in his eyes. No one could gag that much without tearing up. Tears trickled down his face into his hair, over his forehead, and none of that mattered as much as the relentless stretch making him feel like Sebastian’s dick was all the way down into his chest.

‘Okay,’ Sebastian breathed. Alex couldn’t pay attention to anything except gulping for breath as Sebastian slid backwards enough to let more air in. ‘Okay.’

He lowered Alex’s hands palm down to his chest, one over the other, and pinned them there. And his other hand wrapped around Alex’s throat, hot and cloying.

‘Gonna fuck you now.’

Alex made a garbled noise of confusion, because what the fuck had they been doing?

But he realised as Sebastian shoved back into his throat until he was as deep as he could get, withdrew and then shoved in again, Alex realised things could get way more overwhelming. Absently, he tried to pull his hands free, but Sebastian had his weight leaned forward; he had the leverage, and all he really had to do now was move his hips as fast as he wanted.

Alex struggled at first, the movements helpless and reflexive as his body tried to understand why he couldn’t get enough air in the way it was used to. He gagged up saliva, unable to even sob, because Sebastian shoved that back into him as well. Alex’s eyes were fucking streaming, and it sucked that his dick was so fucking hard for something so challenging, because it wasn’t like he could do anything about it.

He was pretty sure he’d only do this for someone he loved. Sebastian could say what he wanted about Alex being a masochist; Alex only wanted to be one for him, even if it meant something like this.

It was awful, and it was worth it, because, fuck, Sebastian was falling apart. Alex could literally feel the way Sebastian’s thighs were trembling when he pressed in deep. The increased gusting of his breath, harder and faster, and the short, cut off noises, and at one point Sebastian’s voice broke, cracked straight through the middle like he was a teenager again, and it felt amazing. His poor, hurting, tortured throat had done that.

Sebastian’s thrusts stuttered, his dick got larger, something Alex thought was way too noticeable in the sensitive tissues of his throat, and then Sebastian stilled deep inside him, taking huge, deep breaths like he was breathing for Alex as well. His dick throbbed in arrhythmic pulses, so deep Alex didn’t even have to fucking swallow.

Alex needed air. He needed to get away. He felt dizzy and messed up and ruined, so damned undignified. His face was wet, and he finally ripped his hands free, because Sebastian was too distracted by his own orgasm.

Alex shoved hard at Sebastian’s pelvis because he needed to breathe.

‘Shit,’ Sebastian managed, sounding like he’d just remembered Alex was there too, attached to the throat and mouth that’d made him come that hard.

Sebastian pulled back, and Alex rolled automatically to his side, coughing violently, hating how some of the sounds coming out of his mouth were definitely sobs, because he was just that desperate to breathe properly, because he felt so ruined, because his throat hurt.

Because he knew he’d probably do it again if it made Sebastian fall apart like that, even if the cost was also falling apart.

‘Your turn,’ Sebastian said, getting onto the bed, and Alex felt faintly delirious. His turn to what? Come? He was already a wreck. What was going to be left?

‘Fuck me, Sebastian, you’re lucky I love you so fucking much, you know that?’

Sebastian paused on the bed, and Alex continued to cough, then rubbed at his face as he felt feral and gross.

‘What?’ Sebastian said, the tone of his voice completely different from before. Airless and thin.

‘What?’ Alex said.

He turned to face Sebastian, saw the look on his face, and he stilled, and then with a sinking horror, he realised what he’d just said.

Notes:

What?

*

Tumblr *cackles*

Chapter 70: If We Die, Burn Down the Forest

Notes:

Note/Tags: Very poor communication on both sides, and some hostility/verbally abusive ways of behaving from Alex (it’s not extreme, but it’s definitely not how you should talk to someone you care about). Suicidal ideation. Destructive fantasies.

(Random and only concerns the one person who read my fanfic to lift ideas for their own fic -> if you keep lifting my story - my headcanons for Alex/Sebastian, my plot points, my story points, all of it, maybe just consider that the least you can do is credit this story? It's disappointing to find out some people really have no idea about AO3 etiquette while whole-ass just lifting most of the main beats from this story. Just a simple credit in the author's notes is so easy! And then it's done and you can go back to lifting whatever you like. Not going to name names, pretty sure they know who they are. Fandom etiquette makes fandom a better place, and makes me feel less like I'm posting this story just so someone else can take what they want from it which is actually not all that inspiring/motivational re: writing.)

Alex’s words reverberated in his mind, louder and louder, inescapable.

You’re lucky I love you so fucking much.

Enough time went by that Alex couldn’t say it was a joke, he couldn’t laugh it off, he couldn’t say he didn’t mean it, because he did. He did. And as Sebastian stared at him, wide-eyed – like he didn’t just get his dick deepthroated until he came down Alex’s throat – Alex absurdly wanted to laugh. He held back a hysterical noise. Cock-blocked again. Again!

That was okay; his boner was going down really fast.

‘Uh,’ Alex said.

‘Did you just…?’ Sebastian opened his mouth, closed it again, as Alex pushed himself into a sitting position and ran his hand over his face several times. His whole mouth and chin felt sticky and gross. This was…

Yeah, this was what Alex probably should’ve expected.

Sebastian didn’t act like it was the best news in the world. He definitely wasn’t saying it back.

Alex imagined the message he’d send Haley about this, if he was a braver guy. Haley, you’ll never guess how I told Sebastian I loved him the first time.

He couldn’t even taste come in his mouth because it was shot so far down. Alex rubbed his throat absently and stared past Sebastian.

‘You love me,’ Sebastian said. ‘You…love me? Did you mean it?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, clearing his throat.

Meant it for years, keep meaning it more, like a fucking loser, actually.

‘Yoba’s tits,’ Sebastian muttered to himself, then seemed to realise his limp dick was hanging out and he put it away. Alex realised he needed to make sure he came first, to prevent this shit happening again.

Except you did it to yourself this time.

‘You seem happy,’ Alex said, with a low, sarcastic edge in his voice. ‘Blowjob that good, huh?’

‘You- Just… Can…?’ Sebastian turned away, hands on his hips.

Alex hadn’t seen him this lost for words, and in a way that was really not good. It felt like falling from a great height. Alex really fucking loved being naked for this, that’s for sure. Not like it made the humiliation of the whole moment worse or anything.

‘We just had our first date,’ Sebastian said, turning back to Alex, eyes black and gleaming. ‘Just then! I’ve just told my parents about us. This- Like, I know you want to move fast, Alex, but can you give me some time to fucking process the basic shit before you go all the way to one hundred?’

Alex stared at him, mouth open, feeling stung in a way he should’ve seen coming, but didn’t. A tiny part of him wanted to argue this definitely wasn’t one hundred, given Sebastian had literally been married before, but whatever.

Whatever.

Alex got off the bed and reached for his boxers, pulling them on, a dull ache behind his balls he’d just have to deal with. Well, he’d been used to dealing with it anyway; he hadn’t masturbated for ages until recently.

Distantly, Alex knew Sebastian had commitment issues. He knew Sebastian wasn’t ready for a lot of this stuff. He knew it was something they had to talk about. He knew. He fucking knew.

And yet this wasn’t the first time he’d been here, feeling like absolute shit, because Sebastian feared relationships, scared of being with him, and now, scared of Alex loving him.

Alex’s eyes burned as he reached for his shirt, and he angled his body away so Sebastian couldn’t see his face. It was worse this time. Worse. Because he’d spoken without thinking, because it could’ve gone literally any other way except this one, because it’d been a really fucking decent night and Alex had fucked it up, he’d fucked it up, because that was what he did.

His fist clenched so hard into the hem of his pants as he picked them up, his knuckles hurt. He didn’t want to go for Sebastian, but for a few seconds he had to breathe through the urge of wanting to punch himself.

Sebastian must’ve thought Alex was getting dressed so they could talk, because it was only when Alex left Sebastian’s bedroom and walked down the corridor that he sprung into action.

‘Wait,’ Sebastian said.

‘Don’t say we have to talk about this,’ Alex said. ‘I fucking can’t.’

His chest pounded. It hurt, worse than when he couldn’t fucking breathe with Sebastian’s cock down his throat, even. His throat was killing him. The corners of his lips felt raw. Alex felt – for the first time – that maybe he was putting more into this than Sebastian ever could, and for the longest time that had been fine. Because Alex knew to never expect better.

Why were all these motherfuckers trying to get Alex to go to therapy, to think better of himself, when it would all just end like this?

‘Alex, please,’ Sebastian said, his voice rough. ‘You know I can’t-’

‘-Yeah,’ Alex snarled, whirling around and stepping into Sebastian’s space, watching him fall back with a dull sense of satisfaction. Sebastian’s eyes widened, like he hadn’t seen Alex before, and that set off its own chain reaction of fear in Alex’s gut, but whatever.

It was like fate, wasn’t it?

‘Yeah, Sebastian, I fucking know you can’t handle relationships, and commitment, and love, and all of that shit. I fucking know you have to take it slow. I fucking know about the divorce already, bud, you don’t need to tell me, okay? Because I’ve heard it four thousand times, but you can tell me again if you want, how much you can’t fucking handle it, after I’ve deepthroated your fucking dick, like that, and I said something clearly by fucking accident, and you couldn’t even- Whatever. Whatever! Have I covered it? Is there anything else to say? You need space? You need to slow down? You need…what, exactly? Tell me. I’m waiting.’

Alex’s voice was tight and sharp; mean in a way he hadn’t been since he was younger. Except his breathing shook, except his voice was unsteady.

Alex almost said: It’s never about what I need, is it?

But that wasn’t true. It really wasn’t. Sebastian had done so much for him, put so much aside for him, and he’d been clear from the beginning this was his biggest issue. It was just right now, right now, Alex was going to explode. He needed to get out of Sebastian’s house, because the only person who deserved his current level of anger was Alex.

A flash of memory; Tim telling Alex he could befriend anger if he wanted to, and Alex wanted to laugh.

Fucking cute.

‘Anything else?’ Alex ground out. ‘I’m fucking waiting, man.’

Sebastian just stared at him, and Alex laughed, couldn’t help it, because what was Sebastian thinking? Probably that Alex was just like his fucking dad; angry, mean, hostile, awful. Alex kept warning everyone, but they didn’t believe it was dormant, waiting to come out.

‘For the record,’ Alex said, turning around and walking through the kitchen, Sebastian staying in the hallway, ‘I wasn’t expecting you to say it back, dickhead. I wasn’t- I wouldn’t do that to you. Even if I didn’t say it by accident. You think I expect you to ever say it to someone like me?’

‘Alex, just stay for like ten minutes,’ Sebastian said, and Alex slammed his hand into the wall beside the door, then threw open the front door, turning around on the porch, grabbing his trainers. He should put them on, but he didn’t want to spend the seconds necessary to do it.

‘I don’t need your pity,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t need you to keep an eye on me because I have issues. It’s not any of your fucking business, is it? You all have been telling me to see a therapist. I don’t have to tell you dick, asshole. In fact, I wish I hadn’t ever told you anything at all.’

Oh no, Alex was saying insane shit now. He knew he was. He slammed the door behind him and bolted down the porch steps and then ran. Like an idiot, he ran barefoot past the mountain lake, and only when he was past the Community Centre, his breaths more like sobs, did he realise he’d left his glasses on the bedside table next to Sebastian’s bed.

*

When Alex got home, he locked the door, threw his shoes into the lounge, and waited for his grandparents to tell him not to act that way, then laughed bitterly. He walked into the kitchen and stared at a plate resting in the dish rack, and clenched his hands together, teeth grinding, fighting with himself not to pick it up and hurl it against the wall. It was all he wanted to do. He wanted to pick up a chair, slam it against the doorframe until he broke it, punch a wall until his knuckles broke.

This time, when he imagined his mom being disappointed in him, or upset with him, or even scared of him, it just made him angrier. Because she wasn’t here. His grandparents weren’t fucking here.

A choked sound, and he walked down the hall into his room, slammed the door behind him, then fell against it, sliding down to the floor. He screamed into his shaking fists, spit getting on them as he inhaled sharply only to do it again, and again, and again. When his voice broke, and he screamed nothing more than air, his fists fell to the floorboards, and his head dropped forward, and he stared dully at nothing.

He’d fucked it.

Well.

Yeah, that was inevitable.

Alex thought it was good while it lasted, but it turned out Sebastian was right; Alex couldn’t handle Sebastian’s issues. He couldn’t do this again. He couldn’t keep being the one chasing, the one knocked back.

He wanted to be angrier at Sebastian but in the end he just loathed himself and his big fucking dumbass mouth, and if his dad was still alive, he would’ve baited him into being punched in the face. Even back then, as a child, he knew how to bait his dad when everything in his life was falling apart and the only thing that made sense was violence.

But his dad was gone too.

Alex’s sobs were bitter and caustic, the crying lasted hours – on and off – and in the end he didn’t feel better, it wasn’t cathartic, and he curled up on the floorboards and covered his face with his forearms, and decided it wasn’t worth being awake anymore.

His mind drifted. He stared at nothing. He wondered if there was any point in living and fell asleep thinking there probably wasn’t.

*

Alex woke sore, thinking he was sick when he swallowed, until he remembered the deepthroating and the screaming. He pushed himself up and looked at the time, numbly showered, changed into new clothes, then lay down on top of his bed, and fell asleep again.

*

He woke a few hours later and looked at his phone. A missed call from Sebastian that had come through the night before, and some texts.

We should talk, Sebastian wrote. Are you okay?

More along that vein, and Alex thought about not replying at all, except he couldn’t get the image of Sebastian being really upset about Alex freezing him out last time, out of his mind. After all of this, he still didn’t want to really upset the guy. Well, not more than he already did by existing.

I’m fine. Fuck off. Alex pressed send.

He saw Sebastian had read the message, and there was no response. Good. Maybe Sebastian could give him the silent treatment for once.

Throughout the day, Alex was too angry at himself and everyone else to think about talking to anyone. He almost wished he was the kind of person to get blasted at the Stardrop Saloon on hard liquor, because that’d probably buy him some time feeling something different for once. Maybe that’s why his dad did it.

When Haley texted him to ask if he’d had fun at the Dance of the Moonlight Jellies, Alex was darkly proud of his ability to sound like everything had gone great. If they didn’t want the silent treatment, they didn’t have to have it, but he wouldn’t give anyone the fucking truth. Not right now.

He was doing a fantastic. He’d had a grand old time down at the beach! So good hanging out with everyone!

He even sent a nice little joke about Haley not staying up too late with Sam, wink wink, and Alex threw his phone across the bed after he pressed send.

He was over it.

*

Tuesday, and Alex turned up to clean Jodi’s place and said he had a sore throat from some hot peppers, and his scratchy voice wasn’t contagious. When she followed him into the kitchen from the lounge, talking about how well Vincent was doing with his education these days, Alex’s rage bounced around inside him, impotent. He wanted to tell Jodi to fuck off, but he couldn’t. He wanted to scream. He wanted to work in silence.

Sam was practicing guitar in his room, and cheerfully said to just tell him when to leave, when Alex needed to clean it.

Something about that today was unbearable. They’d gone to high school together, Sam had been part of Sebastian’s posse, and now he’d grown up and he was dating Haley, and he was a nice, mature guy and he worked, and he was kind and generous and he’d turned up on Alex’s doorstep and apologised and Alex…

Alex was a cleaner, and he was useless, and he had anger issues, and he was in therapy to learn how to be less of a fuck up, and now he was going to have to ask Sam’s permission to leave his room so Alex could clean it for him.

In the laundry, not having heard a single fucking word Jodi had said, on auto-pilot with his nodding and “Mm” responses, he stopped and gripped the washing machine with his hands and stared at it blankly.

‘Oh, hon, maybe you are coming down with something, and the spicy food masked it!’ Jodi said. ‘Are you all right?’

A hand on his shoulder. Alex flinched back so hard he banged into the wall behind him, eyes flown open, waiting for Jodi to stare at him in fear. But Jodi didn’t do that at all. She looked shocked, then held up both her hands, and gave him a small smile.

‘I shocked you, huh? I’m sorry about that. You want to sit down?’

‘I can finish,’ Alex said mechanically. Having the cleaning to focus on was good, except that he was going to have to ask Sam to…

…And tomorrow night, he was meant to turn up and play that game in Sebastian’s friend group, and Haley would be there wondering what was wrong if Alex wasn’t normal. Alex would have to do all of that while everyone would call his character by his mom’s name, because that was what he’d done to himself. So stupid, really.

Tears came to his eyes. His face heated straight after, because what the fuck? He did not do this around other people. He definitely didn’t do it around Jodi. He turned away, shaking his head, wiping the tears away as fast as he could.

‘Oh, sweetheart,’ Jodi said, not over-excited or intense like normal, but softer. ‘I’m going to reach out and take your hand, okay? We’re going to go sit down in the bedroom. Come with me, okay?’

She reached out and took the hand Alex didn’t have up by his face. He followed her because he didn’t know what else to do. He was trying not to make any crying noises, and his breathing was really uneven now. If Sam came out of his room and poked his head down the corridor to see what was going on, Alex was going to have to dig a pit in the back garden and bury himself there.

Jodi took him into her and Kent’s bedroom and sat on the bed, encouraging Alex to sit next to her. For a long time she said nothing, and folded her hands in her lap, while Alex tried to get all his emotions under control and mostly failed. He didn’t sob or anything, but tears streamed down his face and his shoulders shook, his ears burned. His throat hurt.

Eventually the storm passed, and he thought about getting up and getting back to cleaning, but he just…sat there.

‘Bad day?’ Jodi said.

‘Yeah. Sorry.’

‘I’m not upset; there’s nothing for me to be even a little upset about. But you’re forgiven, if you need to hear it. Was it last night? The beach? Did anyone say anything?’

‘No,’ Alex said, rubbing his wet face. ‘I was an idiot, and told Sebastian I loved him by accident, and he wasn’t expecting it, and he kind of- Uh. He got upset. He’s not ready. After everything. And then I got really upset, and I stormed out, and…’

He shut up. Why was he talking about this?

Jodi sighed, but it didn’t sound exasperated, it sounded weirdly sympathetic. Like moms could do sometimes.

‘I’m going to put a hand on your back, okay, hon?’

Alex nodded, then swallowed when Jodi put her hand in the middle of his shoulder blades. Like his mom might’ve, if she was still alive. It made him emotional all over again, and he teared up once more, annoyed at himself, despairing, not sure what was happening to him.

‘I don’t think I can clean the rest of your house today,’ Alex said, his voice breaking. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Of course you can’t! Don’t worry about that. You don’t have to do anything right now, okay? You just want to sit here a bit longer?’

‘Don’t you have stuff to do?’

‘I was going to spend the whole of your cleaning shift talking to you, silly. I’ve got all the time in the world.’

Alex nodded and leaned forward and put his face in his hands and felt like the only thing keeping him connected to wanting to live in this cursed awful fucking world was that warm hand between his shoulder blades, judgement free, patient, and warm.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "You Barely Joyous, Broken Thing":

"‘Just, if you want something to be really upset about, maybe you should just know all of it,’ Alex said emptily. ‘Everything I’ve been trying to hide since forever. That I’m gay. That I’ve been gay since school. That I’ve loved you since before you left town. That when you moved to Zuzu, I cried. I’ve never expected anything from you, Sebastian, except your anger and contempt. But last night I fucked up, huh? Maybe I grew some expectations despite myself. I don’t fucking know. I’m so mad at myself.

‘You deserve someone really amazing, you know that?’ Alex said, looking at Sebastian finally, unable to interpret the expression on Sebastian’s face. ‘Really amazing. You’re like- You’re clever, and cool, and so- so fucking hot. You’re…so much more than I ever knew, and it’s all great. Of course it is. Even your flaws and your issues make sense, hey. Anyway, it’s cool if you don’t want me to clean for you anymore. Give it a few days. Think about it. Because you’d tell me it was fine just because you’re like that. You’re a lot kinder than you let on, most of the time.’"

*

Let! The! Boy! Monologue! Also Tumblr

Chapter 71: You Barely Joyous, Broken Thing

Notes:

HNNGGGG to these chapters, just, lskdfjsafdsa feelstown population those of us reading this fic (or writing it) susceptible to feelstown.

Alex thought he’d calm down, but the tension didn’t leave. He thought he’d stop crying, but he didn’t. He cried so much he shook from it. As he sat there – on the bed Jodi and Kent shared – sentences and words clumsily piled up inside him until he thought he’d scream, and then they’d fall apart, and then they’d build again, cycles of tension that had him trying to burrow anywhere in his mind where he could get away from how mortifying this was, how much all of it fucking hurt.

The worst part was he wasn’t even thinking about Sebastian as much as he probably should be. He was thinking about how his grandparents were gone, how his mom was gone, how his dad was gone, how his dog was gone, and how losing anything else on top of that was too much, he was so fucking tired of losing people. He couldn’t keep doing it.

The joke was on him, that he chose Sebastian out of anyone to have feelings for. Sebastian, the sexy, cool one who didn’t want to have anything to do with him in high school, who had all these demands for open communication and no silent treatment and who could turn so cold in seconds, because Alex couldn’t keep one fucking secret. Just one secret.

Because Alex had secretly hoped Sebastian would look relieved and say he loved Alex back, and then Alex could’ve kept all the other secrets he tried even harder not to think about. How long he’d ached for Sebastian, how long he’d fixated on him, how long he’d been gay for, how long he’d been fucking running from himself and the truth.

Alex made a strange, nasal noise as he tried to hold back the sobs that wanted to escape, tongue pressed to the roof of his mouth, throat and neck tense, and Jodi rubbed his back, and didn’t tell him it was okay, and didn’t tell him to be quiet, and didn’t tell him to let it go, or let it out. She was just…there.

He imagined she hated it, that she was exasperated by it, but even that didn’t make the emotions inside him stop.

‘I’m s-sorry,’ he choked out, the words wet, thick, his nose mostly blocked.

‘I already forgave you, hon,’ Jodi said quietly, ‘but there’s nothing to forgive.’

‘It’s just…you know, with everything.’

Jodi hummed in agreement, like she understood what he was talking about. Her arm rested more fully on his back, her hand curled around his side, and she was rubbing there instead. It could’ve been ticklish at another time, but it wasn’t right now.

‘It’s so stupid,’ Alex said, sobbing at the end of those three words, then sobbing again. ‘They weren’t even there. They weren’t even there last night, you know? No one was there. Mom. Grandma Evelyn and Grandpa, none of them were even there.’

Alex couldn’t keep the hacking, awful sobs inside him anymore, and they were just coming out, between his words, between sentences, afterwards, and his body crumpled inwards, thinking about the times he remembered looking at the Moonlight Jellies with his mom, his dad, his grandparents. The way he’d looked for them. Remembering where they’d stood on the docks together.

He hadn’t felt this bad the night before, but had it been there anyway, waiting for him like this? He was being torn apart by hooks; it felt like fucking torture. He’d rather go through the worst nights with his dad all over again than this awful fucking moment right now.

‘They weren’t there,’ Alex said, his voice breaking over the truth. ‘They weren’t there. They’re never going to be there again. I’m so sorry. I’m not usually like this.’

‘I know,’ Jodi said, arm tightening around Alex’s back. ‘Of course you’re upset.’

Alex had so many other dumbass things he wanted to say, but he was crying too hard. He was only breathing to power the sobs wracking him, and somehow he ended up on his side, leaning uncomfortably into Jodi, hands up over his face, feeling like he was going to have to refund all the gold she’d ever paid him just for this one moment. Maybe with a fuckton of interest. Even as a kid, he couldn’t remember losing it like this. His dad would never have allowed it. Crying like this meant being forced to shut up, usually with fists and violence.

He felt sick.

He couldn’t make himself stop.

Overheated, sweating through his clothing, and Alex felt like hours must have passed where he cried like an overwrought toddler, and Jodi just kept her arm on his back and occasionally petted him, but didn’t talk nonstop, and didn’t ask him really annoying questions about whether he was okay, or tell him he shouldn’t feel the way he did, because his mom and grandparents were still with him in spirit.

He’d never believed in that shit, beyond the hauntings that were the memories he kept and living in that house and this fucking town.

Eventually, the sobs tapered into shuddering, stuttering breaths, Alex’s chest shaking as his body found a new equilibrium. He was exhausted. His face felt swollen and gross. He began to weakly push up and rub at his face, and Jodi hushed him and pulled a scrunched-up tissue out of her sleeve.

Alex stared ahead blankly, thinking of the way his mom used to do that, as Jodi wiped the worst of his tears and snot away, and looked kind of sad, but not like she’d had the worst night ever.

She was really nice that way.

Eventually the tissue was soaked and Alex’s face was still wet, and she laughed gently and reached past Alex for a tissue box on the bedside table – covered in a colourful fabric tissue box cover that Emily had probably made – taking the whole thing and handing it to Alex. Alex held it, and she plucked up a few more tissues and wiped the sides of his face, where tears had streaked into his hair and gotten it wet.

‘Shit,’ he said, his voice croaking and thin, trying to recalibrate his brain and failing. ‘I think I had a good night last night, at the docks. It was cool the way you and Vincent waved.’

‘It was good to see you there,’ Jodi said. ‘It seemed like you were having a nice time. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy, or that it doesn’t touch on things that hurt.’

‘I couldn’t fucking- Sorry, I just couldn’t- The idea of asking Sam to leave his room so I could clean it, when he’s all that, and I’m all this. I just…’

Alex shook his head and laughed brokenly, a wet tissue in his hand.

‘It’s so dumb.’

‘It’s not dumb,’ Jodi said. ‘Emotions just do what they want! It’s really rude when you think about it. Alex, it sounds like what happened after the beach last night wasn’t much fun.’

‘It’s not his fault,’ Alex said.

‘It doesn’t sound like it was yours, either,’ Jodi said, and sighed. ‘Sometimes that’s how it is, sweetheart. People just… Well. I don’t know. Sometimes, Kent and I are both in bad places, for different reasons. It’s lovely when one person can be there for the other person, but sometimes you’re both in your own little bubble, and you can’t reach through it. That’s a lonely place to be.’

Jodi leaned back on the bed, arms braced behind her.

‘I miss them too,’ she said. ‘I miss your grandparents the most because I knew them best. I looked for them. I can’t help it. When we planted out the planters for the change of seasons, I remembered all the things Evelyn used to tell me. The right way to place the bulbs. How often to water when it’s hot or cold. How to deadhead the roses and the daisies. How I could save the petals and dry them and reuse them as confetti for weddings. And I remember Kent helping George when Kent was younger, back when George still worked in the mines, and Kent would sometimes work as a runner between the town and the caves. How happy Kent would be when he found wild leeks!’ Jodi laughed. ‘I love wild leeks, but Kent never gave them to me; he always told me how he was going to give them to George, because everyone knew he loved them so much.’

Alex smiled dully, faintly numb. He’d never known Kent had any connection to his grandpa at all.

‘That’s cool,’ he said.

‘It’s hard,’ Jodi said. ‘I can’t imagine how much harder it must be for you, Alex. I’m not sharing my sadness to say I really understand, if anything, I’m sharing it to…oh, I don’t know, try to say that whatever it is for me, I know it must be so much more for you. It’s my silly little way of saying I think you needed to have a good cry, at least one, probably lots more. I’m not upset at all that it happened here. I’m glad you weren’t alone, sweetheart, and I hope you didn’t mind that it was me.’

Alex shook his head. His thoughts wouldn’t come together. He felt scrubbed raw inside, scoured out, but the sharpness was sanded down, and now it all just…ached.

‘I think you have to talk to Sebastian, hon, about some of these things,’ Jodi said quietly. ‘If you haven’t already.’

‘About…? What? My grandparents and stuff?’ Alex said, confused.

Jodi nodded. ‘Well, yes! If it’s weighing on you, or affecting you, it’s okay to share that with someone. And if you didn’t know how bad it was until today, it’s also okay to say you’re thinking about them, that you wish you could share things with them. I don’t know what your relationship with Sebastian will become, but I get the sense you don’t like to share things with people. Kent doesn’t either. Sometimes we never really grow out of that. But it’s still worth trying.’

‘Everyone wants me to talk,’ Alex said bitterly. ‘Sebastian sure as shit- Sorry. He sure didn’t want to hear what I had to say last night.’

Alex took a huge breath and held it for a while, then exhaled heavily.

‘I should go home,’ he said. ‘I can- I can come back… Maybe even tomorrow night.’

‘There’s no rush. It’s gotten so much easier to keep the house clean since you started. And I want you to be feeling better as well. You looked so tired, hon, even when you got here today. Also, is it…? Is it a problem to clean Sam’s room?’

‘No!’ Alex said, then shook his head, then regretted it, because he had the beginnings of a pounding headache. ‘No. It’s not- It’s…complicated.’

‘Okay, well…’ Jodi sighed. ‘It’s just, I think I know how I’d feel if I were expected to clean the room of someone who maybe didn’t treat me the best in high school.’

‘I was the bully, ma’am,’ Alex said.

‘I am under no illusions about what my boy was like when he was younger,’ Jodi said. ‘He’s grown into a wonderful young man, but he was just as much a mess in high school as most of us were.’

Alex shook his head again, slower this time. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t talk to Jodi about high school. He could barely talk at all. He felt like he’d been shaken hard until everything had fallen out. With a mess of five scrunched up tissues around him, and another in his hand.

‘I…should head off,’ Alex said.

‘Are you sure?’ Jodi said, standing, ignoring the tissues on the bed and waving Alex away when he went to pick them up.

Alex nodded numbly.

‘Do you want a hug?’ Jodi asked.

Alex couldn’t, not right now. He’d start crying again. He shook his head.

‘Okay then,’ Jodi said, not even looking upset. How did she do that?

She followed close behind him as Alex walked out, and Alex wasn’t really paying attention to anything, so the sound of the front door opening and closing didn’t make him really register anything. But he froze in front of the kitchen when he saw Sebastian in the doorway, and Sam standing there greeting him.

‘Hey, man, I was thinking we could jam on…’

Sam stopped talking and turned around and saw Alex standing next to Jodi. Sebastian hadn’t looked away from Alex once. He seemed…shocked.

Alex realised how red his face probably was, how he must’ve looked like he’d been crying a ton, and without another word, swallowed by an absolute wave of embarrassment, he turned and walked back down to the bedroom he’d just been in, sat on the bed, and stared at nothing. He absently picked up the used tissues without looking at them and balled them into one hand.

This was the wrong way to escape, but he would’ve had to push past Sebastian and couldn’t handle Sebastian seeing more of him. Seeing more of the mess Alex was.

Maybe he could ask Jodi if he could escape out the back and go through the small, wild section of town until he reached Harvey’s, and he could head home that way.

Like a giant coward.

The hushed voices stopped, and Alex heard footsteps heading down the corridor, and his shoulders hunched, because they weren’t Jodi’s footsteps.

Sebastian stopped in the doorway. He wore his black jeans, a grey shirt with a print of some hunting guild logo embroidered on it, and he didn’t look like a mess at all. Of course he didn’t. Sebastian looked at all the tissues in Alex’s hand. His lips pressed together.

‘Didn’t know you were coming over,’ Alex said hoarsely.

Man, the idea of asking Sebastian and Sam to leave Sam’s room so he could clean it? Why was it so impossible tonight?

‘And I’m not coming tomorrow,’ Alex added.

‘Can we talk?’ Sebastian said.

Alex shook his head. He winced. He needed to drink some water.

‘Can I talk?’ Sebastian said.

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t want to hear it. If it’s anything about how hard you find all of this, or Martingale, or me, or how not ready you are, or how you were surprised and didn’t expect me to say what I said, or whatever it is, I don’t want to hear it.’

Sebastian was quiet for some time, and Alex didn’t even know why Sebastian wanted to talk to him, after the way Alex had behaved.

‘Can I talk about…’ Sebastian took a breath. ‘Can I talk about how sorry I am over how much I hurt you last night?’

‘No,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t want to hear that either.’

Sebastian didn’t seem to know what to say after that, and Alex almost smiled. He felt awful and cruel, but he couldn’t hear apologies either. After how much he’d cried, he thought maybe the truth would be easy to say now.

‘Can you please not stand in the doorway?’ Alex said. ‘Come in, or something. You always gotta block an exit, don’t you?’

‘You always run away,’ Sebastian huffed, and then walked into the room.

‘Yeah,’ Alex said, looking away, towards the lamp on the bedside table. ‘I sure do.’

What would his grandparents tell him to do? Alex would never know. They wanted him to end up with Haley. They thought he was straight. They thought he was a mostly good kid. What would his mom tell him to do? Probably stay in the closet, be safe, not attract the attention of anyone violent. What would his dad tell him to do? Probably tell him to stay still, so he could beat Alex to death for being a fag.

Alex pressed his fingers to his forehead.

‘Anyway,’ he said, like they’d been in the middle of a conversation. ‘I realised I was gay in high school. You once asked me how long I’ve known I’m gay. I don’t think I really answered. Because I didn’t want you to know I’ve been gay since school. Because of you. I mean- Well, because of me, maybe I would’ve always gone that way. I’ve never been into women. I tried, but mostly because that felt like the right thing to do.’

Alex rolled his shoulders a few times and stared at the wall.

‘I don’t think it was love back in high school. It was like…obsession, and then probably, you know, that word… That fancy word. Infatuation. That one. Just, one day I realised I was into you, and I was fucked. I don’t think I realised it was love until the day you got married to Martingale. Isn’t that funny? Broke my heart. I was the saddest person at that wedding, except for all the girls that wanted to get with Martingale. Pretty sure I saw Leah shed a tear that wasn’t joy. Abigail was pretty upset that day too, now I think about it. Because you took yourself off the market.’

Sebastian was so silent, and Alex was kind of glad Sebastian wasn’t ranting at him, while Alex carefully hammered every final nail into the coffin.

‘I was never going to tell you,’ Alex said. ‘I wasn’t even- We weren’t supposed to be a thing. Ever. I knew that. I guess I still know it. Maybe that’s why I’m so mad. Because I got a glimpse of something I was never supposed to have in the first place. Like, I know how fucked up it is. Don’t worry. I know better than anyone. I’ve had to live with myself all this time, yeah?’

Alex stood and stretched his arms in front of him, and then his arms fell by his sides, hands sliding into his pockets. He took a sore breath, another.

‘Just, if you want something to be really upset about, maybe you should just know all of it,’ Alex said emptily. ‘Everything I’ve been trying to hide since forever. That I’m gay. That I’ve been gay since school. That I’ve loved you since before you left town. That when you moved to Zuzu, I cried. I’ve never expected anything from you, Sebastian, except your anger and contempt. But last night I fucked up, huh? Maybe I grew some expectations despite myself. I don’t fucking know. I’m so mad at myself.

‘You deserve someone really amazing, you know that?’ Alex said, looking at Sebastian finally, unable to interpret the expression on Sebastian’s face. ‘Really amazing. You’re like- You’re clever, and cool, and so- so fucking hot. You’re…so much more than I ever knew, and it’s all great. Of course it is. Even your flaws and your issues make sense, hey. Anyway, it’s cool if you don’t want me to clean for you anymore. Give it a few days. Think about it. Because you’d tell me it was fine just because you’re like that. You’re a lot kinder than you let on, most of the time.’

Alex bit the inside of his lip a few times and smiled sadly.

‘I missed them so much last night,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘My grandparents, you know. My mom. Maybe I just had more love than I knew what to do with last night, and it came out of me that way, and I said I loved you by accident. It really was an accident. I really never, ever meant to say it, unless you… Ha. Yeah, right. Anyway. I’m off. If Haley asks where I am tomorrow, tell her to text me, because that’s not really your responsibility, is it? ‘Night, Sebastian.’

Alex walked past him, and Sebastian didn’t reach for him, or say his name, or look angry, or anything. He just looked…shocked. Alex supposed that’s what the expression was.

He was shocked.

Well, yeah, poor guy.

‘Bye, Jodi,’ Alex said, as he walked through the lounge, where Jodi was sitting holding a magazine open in her lap, but clearly not reading it, because she’d opened it to a double page advertisement with only two words on it.

The bedroom door had been open, which meant she’d probably heard everything Alex said.

Sam too, judging from his expression, where he stood by his bedroom door.

Alex gave him a nod of farewell, and Sam just stared at him.

Alex left and headed down the street and laughed in despair as he walked past Haley’s and Emily’s house.

Could’ve gone worse, he supposed.

But it definitely, definitely could’ve gone better.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "An Ember in the Heart of the Kiln":

"‘I tried to not love you,’ Alex said, yawning. ‘Just… I even thought if we started hooking up, somehow it’d go away, and I’d get over it. It’s just gotten worse.’

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said.

Alex nodded.

‘Seems like that’s been pretty miserable for you.’

‘I just wish you’d stop saying things like you want the whole town to see us together, and then treat me like that, man,’ Alex said. ‘That’s all. Like you pull me in and then shove me off the cliff, anyway. Just fucking shove me off it for good, if it’s going to be like that. Don’t pretend you want me so much in a relationship if it’s just sex to you. I don’t want that. My feelings are probably never going to go away. I’d rather just have them in private, alone, at home, if you don’t want them. I never wanted to put them on you. I never expected you to…’

A long silence, and Sebastian sighed. ‘You never expected me to love you back.’

‘Oh no,’ Alex said, shaking his head. Even now, he was still certain.

‘You don’t see how that’s kind of a problem?’ Sebastian said quietly."

*

We don't really think Sebastian's just going to stay at Jodi's after THAT confession, do we? Oh hell no. Anyway, I'm on Tumblr! And if you feel so inclined, I would love if anyone wants to wish me luck for my liver biopsy next week, lol, because I am a scared little baby about it

Chapter 72: An Ember in the Heart of the Kiln

Notes:

Smashed the biopsy (more accurately I was punctured with a few LORGE needles and then had an extremely variable heartrate (85-120) and pulse rate (110/60 -> 150/110) for the next 6+ hours and needed to have several extra 'oh shit is that internal bleeding???' consultations but whatever, it wasn't! And now I get to see a cardiologist! Thank you all SO much for your well wishes, they really helped. Also omg the comments for the last chapter, you all are UNREAL, holy crap, I like went away and wrote another two chapters I was so motivated. Y'all are an absolute dream

Not more than ten minutes after arriving home, there was a knock on the door so loud it probably woke up anyone else who wasn’t asleep yet. Alex flinched and walked to the door. There was only one person it could be.

Sebastian stood there, forehead creased, staring at Alex like he’d never seen him before.

‘You just said more at the same time than literally any other time, I think, in our entire lives,’ Sebastian said. ‘Also, Jodi’s really worried about you. So’s Sam.’

Alex nodded and tried to work out which part of telling Sebastian to literally “think about it” meant he should be in Alex’s house ten minutes later.

‘I want to ask some questions,’ Sebastian said.

‘Sure.’

Sebastian looked aside. When he looked at Alex next, his eyes were like a laser, pinning Alex to the spot.

‘Did you think I broke up with you the other night?’ Sebastian said.

Alex stared at him. ‘Yes? Like, yeah, mostly.’

‘Mostly,’ Sebastian said, almost to himself, though he didn’t say it in the nicest tone of voice. ‘I didn’t break up with you, Alex. And until you break it up yourself, or I break it up, as far as I know, this is still a relationship. Got it?’

Alex rubbed uncertainly at the back of his head. ‘Uh, not really. But…’

In truth, Alex had been trying not to think about what the argument meant for the relationship. He’d assumed it was all over when he confronted Sebastian like that, when he’d gotten that angry at him. And then he’d assumed it was even more over after tonight. That Sebastian didn’t think the relationship was over after their argument was wild to him.

‘I don’t…’ Alex took a breath and frowned, and he was amazed at the way they both stood there awkwardly in the corridor, the lounge on one side, the kitchen on the other, because Sebastian was just waiting patiently. ‘I don’t really want to feel that way in a relationship, I think. I don’t know.’

‘Next question,’ Sebastian said, like he didn’t want to explore any of that mess further, which was fine, because Alex didn’t either. ‘Are you angrier with me? Or you?’

‘Oh, me,’ Alex said.

That one was easy.

‘Why?’

‘Don’t do that,’ Alex said tiredly. ‘Just don’t. You heard what I said. You were the one reacting to it. And now you’ve heard the rest of it. So, like, just…fucking don’t.’

‘I’ll admit if you’d told me this stuff in the beginning, it would’ve been nuts,’ Sebastian said. ‘Just…nuts. Because it really would’ve felt like you manipulated your way into my house to get with me through the power of cleaning, or something. But Alex, the thing that actually got you into my life, was me annoying the fuck out of you, the night that monster attacked you at Martingale’s. And then it was me checking in on you. At just about every turn – except the whole cleaning thing – you’ve rebuffed me or pushed me away. Even the day I realised you had a hard-on, it’s not like you tried to manipulate me into loving you; you literally fucking ran away. So it’s hard to look back on everything in the time it took me to walk here – like two whole minutes – and not realise you’ve been pretty terrified of your feelings all this time.’

Alex shrugged. Sebastian glared at him, before his expression softened.

‘You really knew you were gay in high school?’

‘I mean, I hoped I wasn’t,’ Alex said, smirking. ‘I wasn’t flying a flag or nothing. Just tried to bury it. Wasn’t exactly something I wanted.’

‘You don’t think it’s – I don’t know – kind of a red flag that you say you fell for me while we were abusing each other? While I was verbally abusing you?’

Alex’s smile broadened. ‘It’s what I know.’

Sebastian breathed in sharply through his nose. ‘Will you stop being a shit for five seconds?’

Alex’s smirk dropped, and he glowered. ‘It’s still what I fucking know, so back off. I know it’s fucked up, okay? So beyond red flags, it’s stupid. Just another stupid thing Alex is gonna do, because he’s so fucking stupid. Yes, Sebastian, I did think it was kind of a red flag.’

‘No wonder you’re so flippant all the time, if this is what’s beneath it,’ Sebastian said to himself, then walked into the lounge, and flopped down – pretty dramatically – onto the armchair by the cold, empty fireplace. It had been emptied out and cleaned for the summer. Alex would have to get firewood soon, but he wasn’t in a rush.

‘I just didn’t think about it,’ Alex said, trudging into the lounge. ‘I don’t know what to tell you. I kind of had other shit to worry about. When other people were having their sexual awakenings, or whatever, my dog died, and then my grandparents. It’s not like there haven’t been distractions. This house is a lot to maintain. You know it was the first house built in Pelican Town? It’s fucking old, man. I had to learn how to do basic carpentry and stuff from Willy, I had to learn how to caulk, I had to learn how to strip grout, I had to learn how to get rid of mould, I had to learn how to check the foundation and the holes in the roof and fireplace maintenance and everything else that needs to be done in a house like this. All the shit I’ve…kind of stopped caring about lately.’

Alex looked around the house and swore he never saw it properly anymore. If he wasn’t seeing memories, he saw all the problems he had to sort out, how much it didn’t belong to him in the first place, and how he wanted to make it nice for Grandma Evelyn, because she was so house-proud.

Sebastian stared into the empty fireplace, and Alex paced back and forth in the lounge, hands in his pockets, uncertain what any of this was. He had no roadmap for moments like this. He didn’t know how he was supposed to behave when he was exhausted, when he couldn’t pretend anymore.

‘You had to grow up really fast,’ Sebastian said.

‘I don’t think it’s growing up,’ Alex said. ‘Learning how to fix a broken washer is just learning…that.’

‘I just don’t get why you developed those kinds of feelings for me, and then kept them,’ Sebastian said, which felt like a complete change of subject, even though it sat at the core of everything. ‘I’m not worth that. I don’t deserve that. I did nothing to earn it, and I did plenty to…ruin it.’

‘I’m loyal,’ Alex said.

Sebastian turned to look at him sharply, but Alex just shrugged again. He was pretty sure the next time Tim asked him about his strengths, he could say that with some confidence. He was loyal.

‘I’m just loyal,’ Alex said. ‘Whether it’s Haley, or Mom, or Grandma and Grandpa, or Willy, or you, or even working for Mayor Lewis forever, I’m loyal. Like a dog. Like Dusty. Like my mom. I’m not saying it’s a great thing, because…yeah. Maybe Mom shouldn’t have been so loyal to my dad for all those years. But the feelings I grew for you never felt fickle. I admired you a lot in high school. I hated everything you had. A friend group. Intelligence. Book smarts. A family, especially a family that let you be a little shit and didn’t beat you for it. A sister. A sense of fashion, even if I didn’t get it. And you were hot. So, like, fuck me, I guess.’

Sebastian’s expression had changed again, was…gentler.

‘Uh,’ Alex said, cheeks flaming with guilt and mortification, ‘you should know that, like, my first sexual fantasies about you in high school were really awful and gross. Uh. Like they were revenge fantasies.’

Sebastian’s eyebrows lifted, like he wanted more of an explanation, but Alex couldn’t handle it. He’d long grown out of imagining topping Sebastian at all, for a start.

‘I had them too,’ Sebastian said, after it was clear Alex wasn’t going to answer, ‘just not at the same time. Mine came later.’

‘Oh- Uh…’

‘I’m saying it’s just something that happened in your head, Alex. It’s fine.’

‘I- Okay,’ Alex said. ‘That’s…’

Alex cleared his throat a few times and then made himself nod. He thought that would be one of the harder things to bring up. What he didn’t expect was how he wanted to know what Sebastian’s revenge fantasies were, and if any of them were hot.

‘Is that the reason you didn’t jerk off for ages?’

‘I don’t know,’ Alex said. ‘Just felt invasive. I just- I don’t know how it all works.’

‘And the thing about me and Martingale getting married,’ Sebastian said heavily, looking back into the fireplace again. ‘You must’ve been thrilled when the divorce happened.’

‘How about a huge no on that,’ Alex said, sitting on the floor, his knees bent up by his chest. ‘For real? I was horrified Martingale would do that to you. And I wanted to know why. It never felt good. I never thought you were a real possibility for me. It’s not like I went, “Cool, now it’s my turn to shoot my shot.” Are you kidding? I knew my path, man, I’ve known it for life. I was going to be alone. And die alone. I didn’t expect my grandparents to push off into the great unknown as soon as they did, but I never once hoped for more.’

Sebastian stared at Alex now, not the fireplace, something troubled on his face.

‘I’m already seeing a therapist,’ Alex snarked.

Sebastian laughed, which felt surprising. He nodded, his expression cleared. Alex felt a moment of relief and rested his head on his knees. Already his breathing was slowing. He was so tired. He hadn’t even finished cleaning at Jodi’s. He hadn’t even put everything away. He’d just cried all over her and walked out.

‘It’s so weird,’ Sebastian said slowly. ‘You saying you love me out of nowhere freaked me out. You admitting you’ve been obsessed with me since high school? That does amazing things to my ego.’

‘Fuck off,’ Alex said. ‘How about you stop making light of things?’

‘Sorry,’ Sebastian said. ‘A lot more just makes sense now. Like, you weren’t with Haley, sure, but I never understood why you didn’t get with anyone else. You’re attractive, taciturn, care about home maintenance and you’re into sports; you’re like David’s wet dream, and probably the same for a bunch of other dudes. It feels good, to know I’m the one who landed you. I just don’t really understand how it’s less scary for me now. Maybe I’m worried it means I feel less like you’re about to abandon me, and I’m taking refuge in something that has weighed you down for a really long time.’

‘I tried to not love you,’ Alex said, yawning. ‘Just… I even thought if we started hooking up, somehow it’d go away, and I’d get over it. It’s just gotten worse.’

‘Yeah?’ Sebastian said.

Alex nodded.

‘Seems like that’s been pretty miserable for you.’

‘I just wish you’d stop saying things like you want the whole town to see us together, and then treat me like that, man,’ Alex said. ‘That’s all. Like you pull me in and then shove me off the cliff, anyway. Just fucking shove me off it for good, if it’s going to be like that. Don’t pretend you want me so much in a relationship if it’s just sex to you. I don’t want that. My feelings are probably never going to go away. I’d rather just have them in private, alone, at home, if you don’t want them. I never wanted to put them on you. I never expected you to…’

A long silence, and Sebastian sighed. ‘You never expected me to love you back.’

‘Oh no,’ Alex said, shaking his head. Even now, he was still certain.

‘You don’t see how that’s kind of a problem?’ Sebastian said quietly.

‘After the way I got angry at you?’ Alex said. ‘You saw it, didn’t you? You know what I’m really like now.’

Sebastian made a sound in the back of his throat, like frustration and exasperation balled into one. He got up and walked over, bent down as Alex looked up at him, and pulled him upright with his considerable strength.

Alex was folded into a hug before he really knew what Sebastian intended, and Sebastian’s arms wrapped around him, strong and sure, and Alex hated how it felt so soothing, after everything.

‘You have a lot of anger,’ Sebastian said. ‘And yes, I saw more of it, and have seen more of it since. That’s not a crime. It was mostly just really obvious how much I’d hurt you, that you reacted like that. And in all of this, I think it’s really fucking important we talk about that too. At some point. When you can. I really- Like, I lashed out at you when you were vulnerable. It’s not like my anger is great either sometimes. I’m sorry, Alex. I know that’s not good enough. I’m working on it. It’s okay if you decide you deserve better. You don’t have to force yourself to be loyal to me if it hurts too much.’

Alex’s throat tightened again, his eyes burned, ached too much for proper tears to come forth. Alex rested his head against Sebastian’s shoulder and said nothing for a long time, and they stood there, in each other’s arms, in the lounge of his dead grandparents.

Alex didn’t ever think it’d feel like his lounge.

The silence stretched, and Alex’s breathing was slowing, deepening, his body trying to tell him to sleep.

‘You tired?’ Sebastian said against his hair.

Alex nodded. ‘Cried all over Jodi. For ages. Fuckin’ mess.’

Sebastian walked Alex down to his bedroom, and got him onto the bed, took his shoes off, his socks, his shorts because he refused to let go of summer.

‘Didn’t mean to make you feel trapped,’ Alex said, eyes already closed, drifting hard. ‘I didn’t even- I wasn’t… I never meant to say it.’

‘That’s a big thing to carry,’ Sebastian said, moving around Alex’s room. ‘Big thing to carry in silence.’

‘It was so fucking big,’ Alex breathed. ‘You’d think it wouldn’t feel as big as hiding being hit all the goddamned time, all the things Dad used to say, but it’s been the biggest thing. But I’m sorry, too.’

Alex’s brain was already wandering into sleep, and he felt the weight of Sebastian sitting on the mattress, heard his sigh, and made a low sound at the fingers petting his hair. He didn’t think he deserved any of this. He sure as shit shouldn’t be falling asleep right now. But he’d bled himself dry, there was nothing left.

*

He woke to the sound of someone else breathing slowly and deeply in the room next to him, on the floor. He turned on his lamp and saw Sebastian curled up with a throw rug he must have brought in from the lounge, still fully dressed, using one of the couch cushions as a pillow. He was fast asleep. He had one hand under his face. His eyelashes were long and thick. He was on his side, one leg curled up to his belly.

He looked so fragile like that, and Alex pushed up and realised he was really thirsty and got out of bed as quietly as possible. He tiptoed down the corridor and got himself a glass of water, and then another, a weak headache coursing through his head.

When he walked back, Sebastian was awake, quiet and watching.

‘I left my glasses at your place,’ Alex said, as he got into bed. ‘Also, what the fuck are you doing on the floor?’

‘You got two pairs of glasses, remember? Also, it didn’t feel right to just assume I could stay in your bed,’ Sebastian said. ‘I also didn’t know I’d fall asleep.’

‘You got a blanket and a pillow. You thought it was possible.’

‘You know you’re actually really annoying?’

‘Yeah,’ Alex said. ‘I know that better than anyone. I have to live with me.’

Sebastian laughed and pointed to Alex’s bed, eyebrows raising in question, and Alex nodded. It felt weird having Sebastian lie down next to him, on the side closest to the window, so Alex was kind of hemming him in. Felt weird to have Sebastian right next to him again, something he’d ached for. Even now it made everything feel better, when nothing was right.

‘Don’t make me talk about it,’ Alex said, into the silence that seemed serious enough to demand deep conversation.

‘Which part?’

‘Any of it,’ Alex said. ‘I don’t know, maybe we could talk about how it feels when you always get to come and I never do.’

Sebastian laughed and then sighed.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said.

‘Yeah?’

‘You said you’re loyal before. Did it ever occur to you that other people might want to be loyal to you too?’

‘My mom was loyal, and look where-’

Sebastian reached out without even looking and clapped his palm over Alex’s mouth. ‘We talked about this ages ago. I am not your mom. You are not your dad. Whatever you think about your anger issues, I’m not… Fuck. It really is just a weapon you use against yourself all the time, isn’t it? I hate it, Alex. I hate being weaponised like that. I get to be me. I get to be someone who wants to be loyal to you, and I don’t mean loyal through domestic violence. I mean loyal through you being understandably fucking angry, because I really hurt you.’

Alex could’ve bitten Sebastian’s palm, he could’ve pulled his hand away, but he just left Sebastian’s hand on his mouth and said nothing at all.

Feels like you’re cutting me too much slack. Feels like you’re being too nice. Feels like you’re just going to turn around and start yelling at me again, start telling me all the ways I’m fucking up again, all the ways I’ll never be worth someone like you.

That last one stuck, and Alex’s eyes hurt as tears came to them once more, and his breathing hitched, and Sebastian removed his hand and then pushed up onto his elbow and looked at him.

‘Alex?’ Sebastian said, worried.

Alex shook his head, threw his forearm over his eyes.

‘It’s so stupid,’ Alex said, his voice breaking. ‘It’s just that you did. You did really hurt me. And I wish it would stop feeling like this.’

Sebastian shifted next to him, and he must have laid back down, because he rested his palm flat against Alex’s chest, and moved closer until his head rested against the side of Alex’s head.

Sebastian didn’t push him to talk it all out anymore, he didn’t keep apologising, he didn’t fuss, and somehow it felt better than being pressured, and it felt better than being alone. He wasn’t sure he’d done anything to deserve Sebastian being like this to him, after everything he’d said, everything he’d done, but his heart was sore and bitter and greedy, and fuck it – after everything, his whole miserable fucking life – he’d snatch it up with both hands if he had to.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Burning Out My Sins":

"‘How can you be here today, after...I was like that?’

‘We’re going to go in circles on this, but Alex, whatever you imagine... Alex, you had a bad twenty-four hours. So did I. We’ve both apologised. And you said something... Fuck. That you were thinking about your grandparents. Your mom. On the date. I know you don’t mention it much, I think I forget how- I don’t even think I know how much you think about them, miss them.’

Sebastian inhaled sharply.

‘You don’t trust me to know when I’m being abused in this relationship, and you don’t trust yourself not to abuse me. Alex, everyone can be abusive or neglectful. I don’t mean like- I don’t mean everyone can be like your dad. I mean there’s a difference between being an abuser, and having a really shit day you apologise for, where you were verbally cruel and realise you did something wrong and feel like shit and try to do better. Like me trying to apologise to you about it. Don’t you get that? Your dad didn’t go and see a fucking therapist. Did he? He didn’t listen to your mom’s issues. Did he?’"

*

I'm on Turmblur, where the schedule for December is going up in an hour or two - for folks curious overall, this updates every second Sunday (or usually twice a month)!

Chapter 73: Burning Out My Sins

Notes:

Sebastian, I swear to god you have the most 'fucked up timing' metre in existence, and that's why I love writing you so much (also today in Western Australia we've been hammered on a 40C/105F day with many thunderstorms which meant hundreds of dry strikes that has resulted in over one hundred bushfires, so like... it's definitely summer, lol)

Alex slipped back into bed, where Sebastian still slept. He’d showered, brushed his teeth, made coffee, and he meant to wake Sebastian, but seeing him there on Alex’s sheets, melted something thorny in Alex’s chest. He liked the smell of Sebastian’s sweat when it was stronger, liked his heat, the hair on his arms, his legs, the way their shins and knees bumped.

He touched fingertips to the big scar on his other arm, from the time he’d been attacked. He hardly looked at it now, even though it was red and kind of gross-looking. That was the night Sebastian dragged Alex into his home and his life, while Alex protested and tried to pull away, apologising for the mess he got on Sebastian’s kitchen floor. Sebastian proceeded to stitch him without anaesthetic, and Alex drugged himself on how it felt to have someone he’d yearned for that close to him, touching him, handling him.

Alex rolled onto his back and lifted his forearm to see the scar – scowling because he didn’t have his glasses and he could already tell the difference – and then closed his eyes, arm moving back to bed. After a moment, he retrieved the second pair of glasses out from his bedside table and put them on.

He’d cried all over Jodi. He’d said some shit to Sebastian that Jodi and Sam both heard. He’d flat-out lied to Haley because he’d felt mean-spirited, like he didn’t owe the truth. He’d been cruel to Sebastian and messaged him to fuck off. And now he was here, on his bed, and Sebastian was right next to him.

Maybe Sebastian was right; maybe Alex wasn’t the only one who was loyal.

It was terrifying to think what Tim might have to say about any of this. Wasn’t it a kind of betrayal that Tim said to make friends with anger? In the space of several days, Alex lost his fucking mind because of anger. That felt like a trap, something Tim did with his psychic shrink bullshit. Like he made this happen.

Except Alex knew this was all on him. It had been building for ages. It haunted him in hospital bathrooms after getting bad news about his remaining family members. It seethed in him when he launched at his dad for hitting his mom, and he’d get thrown into a wall for his trouble. It bubbled up as though his whole body was a cauldron for fury. For the longest time, working out was the way to get out of himself, to turn that feeling into the burn of muscles, the grit and determination of just another rep, another set, some more weight on the bar.

Even the spite to force himself to the gym when he didn’t want to go was a part of it. Telling himself he was worthless, useless and a piece of shit, that the least he could do was work out.

Make friends with anger? Alex was best friends with anger.

Tim probably didn’t mean that kind of anger. He probably meant the kind Alex had for his mom.

‘Just as useless as the rest of me,’ Alex mumbled to himself.

A few minutes later, Sebastian stirred, making cute little grumpy sounds of discomfort, because Alex’s mattress sure as shit wasn’t as comfortable or new as Sebastian’s. And then Sebastian pushed up, moved so he was braced over Alex’s chest, and Alex stared up into the endless dark of his eyes, shocked at the expression on Sebastian’s face, how hungry it was.

‘Hey,’ Sebastian said, then lowered himself to kiss Alex gently at first, as though testing how welcome the kiss would be. It deepened naturally, and Sebastian inhaled slowly through his nose. He hummed in satisfaction, one hand came up and sank into Alex’s hair, his fingers curling into it.

Alex wanted to say he’d made coffee – though it might be lukewarm now – but this was better. Sebastian kissed like he was asserting ownership, it wasn’t a give and take of equals, but something where he led, and Alex followed. Alex wanted to drown in it, gave himself over to it, and his legs spread automatically as Sebastian moved between them, rocking his hips against Alex’s half-hard dick.

Sebastian’s lips quirked in a smile, but he kept kissing Alex, long and slow, not pushing towards orgasm, not even rocking his hips that often, just occasionally. Even when Alex’s hips strained up for more friction, Sebastian focused on bruising Alex’s lips, scraping his teeth over the sensitive skin, licking over both lips at the same time, sliding his tongue along Alex’s, his hand kneading at Alex’s scalp.

Alex was painfully turned on. Way too fast, way too easy, but he didn’t care. He rocked his hips up more often until finally he just shoved a hand between them. Only then did Sebastian grind his hips down, sandwiching Alex’s hand in place so he couldn’t properly reach his own hard-on.

‘Please,’ Alex managed. ‘Feels like it’s been ages.’

‘Poor thing,’ Sebastian said against his mouth, reaching down with the hand not in Alex’s hair, fingers moving under the hem of Alex’s boxers.

Alex stiffened as Sebastian’s fingers curled around him, spine tensing, eyes closing helplessly. Sebastian’s hand was sure and confident, the friction grabbed at sensitive skin sometimes, creating small pinches and stings that only made everything hotter. He’d hate it if it was just his own hand, but when it was Sebastian, he wanted to be overrun.

Alex had to break away to gasp for air, digging his hands hard into Sebastian’s back, throat still aching from deepthroating him the night before. He cried out, realising it wasn’t going to take him long to come at all.

As the tension wound up tight, his balls pulling up, his lower spine burning, he dug his foot into Sebastian’s calf, making him grunt in response, squeeze harder at Alex’s dick, and that was all it took.

He came hard, one arm moving up to Sebastian’s neck and dragging his head back down, the other clutching onto Sebastian’s flank. His hips kept grinding up to chase the pulses that shook him, over and over again, until he turned from ecstasy to oversensitivity, and Sebastian’s hand still moved over him, wetter at the end of his dick from his own come.

Alex choked on the feel of it, and Sebastian laughed a little, cruel and always himself, and Alex thumped Sebastian’s side until the discomfort forced Sebastian to stop and pull his hand out of Alex’s boxers.

Sebastian grabbed Alex’s hair with a come covered hand and twisted up the strands until it hurt, until Alex swore. Sebastian jerked himself off with his other hand, straddling Alex’s thigh.

Alex watched, speechless, and Sebastian’s head dropped, his hand moved in a blur, and he bucked into his own touch, coming hard over his fist, across Alex’s lower body.

Alex couldn’t think of what to say in response. Sebastian bent down, his mouth crashing into Alex’s so hard it hurt his top lip. The kiss was messy, hungry, and Alex couldn’t help but return it.

Sebastian broke the kiss after a couple of minutes and fell against Alex’s body, his full weight pinning him down. Alex would’ve complained – especially since it was wet and it was going to get sticky at some point as their come dried – but he said nothing. Maybe it was filthy, but he liked it.

Eventually, Sebastian’s breathing slowed, Alex’s too, and the heaviness of everything that had been said seemed to wait in the room for them. Alex didn’t want to look at any of it. He wanted to hide in this, in these moments of connection.

‘It can’t just be all okay now,’ Alex said.

‘It’s not,’ Sebastian said. ‘I just…wanted you.’

‘Uh, okay. Cool, I guess.’

‘I’ve never slept here before. The house makes a lot of noise,’ Sebastian said.

‘Did you sleep badly?’

Sebastian shrugged and rolled off Alex onto his back. He stared up at the ceiling. Finally, he looked at Alex.

‘When you asked me to take time to think about what I wanted, that was because you thought the relationship was over, right?’

Alex shrugged. ‘I just think, with everything, maybe you don’t want some obsessive fucking weirdo with an angry streak and a shit family.’

Sebastian blinked a few times and then looked confused. ‘Shit family? Not just shit dad?’

‘Fuck, no, I meant- I meant...’

Alex’s knees bent. He should shower and clean up. Make breakfast. Change the subject. He thought about how Tim had basically given him permission to be angry at his mom, and how Alex was angry at everyone. Even Sebastian. No one escaped it.

‘She chose him, y’know,’ Alex said. ‘She chose him, she stayed with him. All my life, I lived the reality where she couldn’t fucking leave; he’d kill her for it. It’s stupid. But I keep thinking there must’ve been a time early on when she could’ve made a different choice. And I hate everyone in this town, man. Everyone. What they saw of us. The whole fucking nothing they did in response. I’d learn how to make a Molotov cocktail just to burn down the Stardrop-fucking-Saloon.’

Sebastian pushed up further and leaned in, resting his forehead on Alex’s shoulder.

‘Maybe in the beginning I was just jealous of you,’ Alex said. ‘I keep looking back at high school like… Yeah. It was funny when you were so shocked I was gay, because to me, it was hilarious that you ended up gay when I’d known for fucking ages.’

‘You were buried in that closet.’

‘I hoped the closet would fucking kill me,’ Alex said darkly.

Sebastian bent down and kissed him, not claiming or intense, but sweet. Alex didn’t know what to do with that. Sebastian studied his face and looked unhappy.

‘I used to imagine all the shitty things you’d say if you ever found out I was gay and into you at the same time,’ Alex said, swallowing painfully. ‘It was easier when you kept calling me homophobic.’

‘Ah, damn,’ Sebastian said, like he’d just remembered he did that a bunch. He looked away, eyebrows knitting together. ‘I really thought…’

‘I mean, I wanted you to think that. Isn’t it the best cover? The best way to hide being a fag. Isn’t that the – what do you call it? – the stereotype? It started to really get to me, though. But for a long time it was like, great, I’m glad you think that, because I knew the alternative would be so much worse.’

Sebastian wiggled closer and slung an arm across Alex’s chest.

‘I wish I’d known some of this stuff. I keep thinking if I’d known, I’d’ve been better about it. But then I think back to how I fucked you up over and over again because of your dad. It was like I never connected what I was saying to the actual reality of living with a violent father.’

Alex’s body twitched towards Sebastian, and he followed the impulse. Sebastian lifted his arm and pulled Alex closer, and Alex remembered how he’d ugly-cried all over Jodi, and slammed the door on Sebastian, and yelled at him, and felt so small, so gross.

‘How can you be here today, after…I was like that?’

‘We’re going to go in circles on this, but Alex, whatever you imagine… Alex, you had a bad twenty-four hours. So did I! It’s not like your explosion came out of thin air. We’ve both apologised. And you said you were thinking about your grandparents. Your mom. On the date. You don’t mention them much. I forget how- I don’t even think I know how much you think about them, miss them.’

Sebastian inhaled sharply.

‘You don’t trust me to know when I’m being abused in this relationship, and you don’t trust yourself not to abuse me. Alex, everyone can be abusive or neglectful. I don’t mean like- I don’t mean everyone can be like your dad. I mean, there’s a difference between being an abuser and having a really shitty day you apologise for, where you realise you did something wrong and try to do better. Like me, trying to apologise to you. Don’t you get that? Your dad didn’t go and see a fucking therapist. Did he? He didn’t listen to your mom’s issues. Did he?’

Alex shuddered, feeling over-exposed, like a raw nerve. He couldn’t do this. There was something in what Sebastian was saying that felt too heavy, like it was unpicking his skin from his muscles, flaying him from the inside.

Sebastian pressed closer. ‘I’m doing that thing again. Trying to fix it. Like I can just talk at you until all the irrational stuff goes away.’

Alex nodded. Yeah. He got that. But some of what Sebastian said was sinking too deep right now. If Alex were an ocean, Sebastian had just tossed a bunch of anchors in at once, every one sinking deep, pinching into him.

‘Can I say one last thing?’ Sebastian said.

‘I’m gonna actually murder you. But sure.’

Sebastian laughed. ‘I’m backing off.’

‘Just say it.’

‘No, I’m backing off.’

‘Now I want to know!’ Alex said angrily, and Sebastian’s laugh was warm against his chest.

‘I just wish you’d trust me more,’ Sebastian said, sighing. ‘But then I realised that’s a pretty huge ask. You’ve said you love me, but you don’t trust me.’

Alex remembered Martingale saying love wasn’t enough. He thought back to how much his mom loved his dad. How love wasn’t enough.

Yeah. Alex knew love wasn’t enough.

‘I hate this,’ Sebastian said, surprisingly whiny.

‘What?’

‘Just…how much more secure I feel now I know you’ve felt like this for so long. It came at such a high cost to you, and it’s not a nice thing to learn about myself.’

‘I thought you’d hate it.’

‘I would have! If you’d told me a month ago, I would’ve been too paranoid to understand. Now, fucked if I know.’

‘Is this talking about it?’

‘Yes, Alex, this is talking about it.’

‘But we haven’t fixed anything.’

‘I’m in your bed. I think some of this worked out, at least.’

‘Yeah, until the next time,’ Alex said, dragging his hands through his hair. ‘When you shove me away for wanting too much.’

Sebastian was quiet, and then he exhaled heavily.

‘Be patient with me,’ Sebastian said quietly. ‘You ever wanted something badly but then been terrified when you finally get it?’

Alex’s laugh was dark because, like, wasn’t that his whole fucking life right now?

He didn’t need to reply; he could tell Sebastian knew exactly what he was laughing about. After all, Alex had wanted Sebastian for so long, and now his whole life was upside down and terrifying.

He thought Sebastian would keep talking, but after that, things settled. Sebastian dozed, Alex got up and showered, and when he got back to his bedroom, he had to lean against the doorframe, overcome.

Here Sebastian was, in Alex’s bed, and Alex couldn’t even tell his grandparents about it. Couldn’t tell his mom. Had no family to share it with. He couldn’t wake Sebastian and tell him that his grandma had baked fresh cookies, that she’d made an extra leek omelette. He placed a hand over his face and focused on his breathing.

A few minutes later, he forced himself to straighten and walk into the kitchen.

His grandma couldn’t bake her famous cookies anymore, but Alex could, and that would have to do.

*

The cookie dough was resting, and Alex had put in too many chocolate chips, but he felt accomplished. Like he’d achieved something. He flicked through Grandma Evelyn’s recipe book, the pages crumpled with stains and water drops and steam, dotted with bits of bolognese sauce or melted chocolate.

Sebastian walked down the corridor and entered the kitchen, sleep-mussed and with more stubble than usual on his face, and Alex touched his own chin and jawline, and realised at some point he’d really learned to love the feeling of someone else’s stubble against his.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m super gay.

‘So, hey, I’m making choc chip cookies,’ Alex said.

‘I like those,’ Sebastian said, yawning and then rubbing at his face, walking over to the kettle. Alex cut in front of him to make coffee for him.

‘You’re a guest,’ Alex said.

‘I can make it,’ Sebastian said, even as he turned around and plopped down on a chair at the kitchen table, still half-asleep. ‘I really hate your bed.’

‘Same.’

‘So you should just move in with me,’ Sebastian said.

Alex almost jokingly replied, the words not quite filtering through. And then he stared at Sebastian, whose cheeks and ears slowly coloured as though he’d realised what he’d just said.

‘Because you hate my bed that much?’ Alex said, swallowing down a nervous laugh.

‘We could try it,’ Sebastian said. ‘Unless you think it’s too soon. I mean, isn’t that where this is headed?’

‘You just reamed me out in the least fun way ever, over me moving too fast, so like…’

‘Yeah,’ Sebastian said. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘I know.’

Alex wanted to scream. He didn’t want to live here anymore. He wanted to move in with Sebastian. He wanted to wake up in that bed, listen to the frogs outside at night, in a place where he didn’t have to see the Stardrop Saloon every time he stepped outside. He wanted to live in a place free of ghosts; he wanted so fucking badly to just say he’d move in.

But something about it wasn’t right yet. Alex didn’t know what it was.

‘It’s not that I don’t want to,’ Alex said, as Sebastian looked way more awake and troubled now. ‘But if you take something like that back, I’m fucked. I don’t have parents I can move back in with, if you change your mind. I could come back here, but not forever, you know.’

Sebastian just watched him, like he was working something out. He looked concerned.

‘I do want to,’ Alex added, feeling like he was getting something wrong. ‘I just can’t go through that again. I just…’

‘It’s okay,’ Sebastian said. ‘Alex, I- This isn’t… Fuck. It’s not something I’m going to offer once and then never again, okay? I’ll ask again. Not every day or anything. Not to annoy you. There’s no time limit to agreeing.’

Alex closed his eyes in relief.

‘I keep forgetting this is your first relationship,’ Sebastian said. ‘And that I’m doing all of this so messily. I just want to wake up with you in my bed a lot more.’

‘Maybe I can stay over more,’ Alex said. ‘I’m really not saying this to punish you, I swear, but what happened the other day fucked me up. It’s not that you didn’t know how to handle what I said, but sometimes it feels like I’d give you anything you asked for, and I don’t think that goes both ways. I don’t even know if it should. I don’t fucking know.’

Sebastian nodded, Alex felt like he’d said something awful, but to his surprise, Sebastian’s smile when it came was small, soft.

‘Thanks for talking to me, hey.’

‘But it’s bad.’

‘It’s honest,’ Sebastian said. ‘It’s not bad. And I like the honest part of you, even if you don’t.’

‘Also,’ Alex said, since he might as well get it out of the way, ‘would you hate me if I said I kind of like Demetrius now? I mean, he’s still terrifying. Dads, am I right? But I just… He- I don’t know. Fuck me, I don’t know.’

‘I was the one who gave him permission to survey the frogs on the property. I know he wants to do it, but for him to even ask me to do it, that’s- It’s about as close as he gets to saying he wants to visit more, spend more time with me. He’s trying. It’s not bad if he showed that side of himself to you, and you liked him for it. I don’t want you to hate him. My issues with my parents, Alex, they’re not like your issues with your parents. And you also don’t have to take my issues with my parents onto yourself. You don’t have to feel the same way as I do about Mom and Dem, you can make your own opinions.’

Alex felt relieved. He turned to make coffee for them both and wasn’t sure how he felt about the whole “talking things out” concept. He couldn’t decide if it was better or not, but it was at least preferable to being alone in his bed, sure his world was ending.

As for moving in with Sebastian, now that it was on the table, he couldn’t think about it. That was…too much for right now.

He’d think about it later.

Notes:

In our next chapter, "Call Me A Safe Bet":

"‘I’m not going tonight,’ Alex said, hearing how flat he sounded. ‘Sorry, Hales. I kind of lied yesterday when you messaged. Things’ve been shit. Anyway, Sebastian asked me to move in with him.’

‘Alex, I say this with love, you are the worst storyteller.’

‘Or…I’m efficient,’ Alex said, a bit more life coming into his voice.

‘What did you say? Why have things been shit? Why did you lie? Moving out?! If you don’t start answering some of my questions soon, young man, I’m gonna come up with another hundred. I’m not running out!’

Alex smiled tiredly, then sighed. He started with the clumsy love confession he’d made, after giving that blowjob – though he didn’t go into any detail about that – then summarised everything else that had happened since. Missing his grandparents and his mom, crying all over Jodi, telling Sebastian everything, and-

‘Wait, what?’ Haley said loudly."

*

I'm on Tumblr, listening to jschlatt croon Xmas carols, and catching up on the CR4 campaign. I turn 44 in 3 days, believe it or not, lol