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“You’ve been awfully quiet tonight. You all right?” Amanda eyed him from under her blonde bangs. After they’d finished up at work, Carisi had accepted her invite to grab Chinese take-out and go to her place for dinner. Mostly empty take-out containers littered the coffee table, and a pajama-clad toddler was passed out on the couch between them. Carisi had been his usual entertaining self with her daughter, tossing her around while she shrieked with delight and reading her stories, but he’d been less talkative than normal.
“Yeah, I just keep thinking about that cuddle place. It’s sad to think there are enough lonely people out there to keep it going.”
“It’s not really a surprise, though. Think about all the sex workers out there every day fulfilling lonely fantasies. This isn’t so different.”
“Rollins, there’s a big difference between a cuddle and..”
Amanda raised an eyebrow at him as he failed to complete his thought. “Of course, but fundamentally it boils down to our need for connection with another human.” She took a sip of beer before scooping up the last of the ginger beef with her chopsticks.
“I know, but what kind of a world is it when a lonely old man has to pay for a cuddle?”
“Maybe he’s too old to do anything else,” Amanda replied with a smirk.
“Yeah, maybe. I wonder if he had a wife once and lost her.” She shrugged, and he frowned at her lack of empathy. “Don’t you ever worry about ending up alone, Rollins?”
“Not really, but I guess I’m too busy taking care of a toddler to think that far down the road. I don’t have time for anything else right now.” She gestured at Jesse, and he looked down at her fondly. “I get lonely sometimes, but I can’t imagine being desperate enough to pay.”
Carisi shook his head at her. “Of course not. Look at you.” Amanda smiled demurely at him, making his heart skip a beat. “But you’re missing my point. I’m talking about real companionship, not just sex. There are people in this city that are so alone they need to pay just to be held.”
“For fuck’s sake, Carisi, that isn’t going to happen to you. And if you ever feel lonely and need a cuddle, just ask.” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and his reaction was immediate. He was adorable when he was blushing.
Carisi felt his ears turn pink, as he imagined what it would be like to nestle against the soft curves of Amanda Rollins. The images it conjured went far past cuddling, and he forced them from his mind. Hoping his expression was neutral, he grabbed the container of chow mein, concentrating on handling his chopsticks to avoid spilling food all over the place. Frannie was laying near his feet and lifted her head, watching him hopefully. “I’m okay, Rollins. I just worry that someday I’m going to end up like that old man, all alone. It’s not so far-fetched.”
She knew she’d embarrassed him, but she honestly thought his worries were unfounded. Surely he could find companionship anytime he wanted to. “Tell you what, if you and I are both in need of some no-strings snuggling when we’re old and gray, I’m there for ya. Cuddle partners?” She held out a hand, her eyes twinkling with mirth. Carisi didn’t smile back, and Amanda feared she’d taken her teasing too far. She put her hand on his arm instead, giving it a squeeze.
“Seriously, I never thought I’d still be single in my late thirties,” he admitted. “It always felt like I had so much time.”
“I get that. I never would have guessed I’d end up a single mom. Seems like most of the time things don’t turn out the way we imagined. But, Sonny, you’re a catch. You’re going to find someone.”
“Thanks.” He held her gaze, and there was an intensity to it that startled her, but the moment passed when Jesse stirred between them, letting out a little sigh. They both watched as she stretched and shifted but her eyes remained closed.
“I should probably put her to bed. You wanna pick out a movie?” It was an offer Carisi couldn’t refuse, as he really wasn’t in the mood to be alone.
“Any requests?”
“Just make it funny.” Amanda leaned down and scooped Jesse into her arms. The little girl let out a sleepy cry, her tiny hands grasping her mother’s neck as she buried her face against her chest. A few minutes later he could hear Jesse’s little sounds of protest from the bedroom, then Amanda’s voice softly singing to her, quickly soothing her daughter back to sleep. He remembered the first time he’d heard her singing, when Jesse had been a tiny infant, and how his heart had swelled with tenderness. In his weakest moments he found himself wishing they were his.
When Amanda had confided in him about the casual fling with Declan Murphy that had led to Jesse’s conception, she hadn’t given him many details, for which he was thankful, but she’d said enough to let him know that their connection hadn’t been about love. Still, it was unfathomable to him that Murphy, or any man, could walk away from the two beautiful souls down the hall. If he was ever lucky enough to hold a woman like that in his arms, he was sure he’d never let her go.
Later, with Amanda’s blonde head resting against his chest, where it had been since about halfway through Office Space, Carisi felt something bordering on contentment. As he gazed at her sleeping so peacefully, he enjoyed the nearness of her. In moments like this he could imagine they were something more than just friends, that their relationship matched the feelings in his heart. The fact that she chose to spend evenings with him on a regular basis, not to mention that she clearly felt comfortable enough to fall asleep against him, gave him a glimmer of hope that someday he’d be able to tell her how he felt. This wasn’t what he wanted. It wasn’t even close, but for now, it was enough.
The End