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Lan wangji didn’t understand how he could feel the pain he felt right now. All his life, he had barely felt anything outside of simple old loneliness (though he wouldn’t admit that) and a strict sense to be righteous and follow every rule to its end.
He didn’t know his heart was capable of receiving and processing such emotions. Well, he realized his capabilities the moment he met a certain someone under the moonlight, on a rooftop. He realized his Jade heart wasn’t so solidified after all.
For at that moment, that shining smile shone brightly upon his heart like a warm ray of sunshine after a long, long winter.
Gusu was known for its winters and cold, and yet perhaps the longest winter Lan wangji had ever experienced was the one in his heart. A winter that had lasted for more than 10 years.
Wei Ying had come like a thunderstorm. Jumpstarting his still jade heart. Lighting up his life, bringing a liveliness that had died with his mother.
And he had apparently left the same way with a devastating calm of utter confusion, overwhelm and pain in his wake.
Lan Wangji didn’t know he had enough of himself left to feel any of this. Now he knew he did.
As much as the thrill of loving someone was exhilarating, the kick of losing that very person was excruciating.
Was it worth it? (Is it worth it to love someone so deeply enough to give it the power to destroy you)
‘Wei Ying is worth it. Worth everything’
The last time he had lost someone (he hadn’t lost Wei Ying but it felt all the same) it was his mother. (Sure he felt grief when his father passed away but could you really lose someone you’ve never had?)
He hadn’t understood it immediately. But when he had it was awful. It was terrible. No words could do justice to how Lan wangji had felt. And yet he had overcome it. He had accepted it.
But this was so very different. He felt like he was mourning and he knows he shouldn’t be, not yet. He was in limbo. A dizzying, volatile limbo.
And If he was being honest, this was worse.
The very delicate thin edge of holding the knife of hope so close to your heart. The mere idea of having his hope be in vain was excruciating for what it implied was too devasting.
Yet having that hope was not far from hell.
If Wei Ying wasn’t dead, where was he? Because for Lan wangji to hope that Wei Ying was alive but was not really hoping if he was alive in the burial mounds.
As much as it hurt him to admit it, he hoped that if Wei Ying had been thrown into the burial mounds, as the wen soldiers had told him, he had died from the impact.
He hated it. Lan wangji hated himself for hoping that. But wasn’t it really better that way?
He knew all too well what went on in the burial mounds. He couldn’t even imagine how torturing, how hellish, trying to stay alive in that place would be.
It hurt so bad to think about it. He wanted, needed, Wei Ying to be alive. But it all seemed so impossible. So impossible that he stopped asking himself when and rather resorted to If .
If the boy who held his heart, would ever come back to him?
The great Hanguang Jun hung his head low, unable to look at the bright stars that littered the dark sky for it reminded him too much of the bright smile of the boy he loved (now lost).
Wasn’t it truly ironic?
He was called Hanguang Jun and yet he bore so little light. Even more ironic that he was given the title when the only person who had ever been able to make his heart shine with light and warmth, like an odd, yet impeccable, bond between the moon and sun, was ostensibly missing.
Truly very ironic. Lan wangji internally scoffed.
An odious blend of blood, death, and victory danced in the surrounding air. Yet the boy, although the heavy bags under his eyes would indicate otherwise, managed to take a deep inhale. He let out a shuddering exhale as he clenched his fists tight to stop the shaking in his hands and heart.
His eyes, slowly but surely, moved to gaze upon the wide expanse of the sky.
“Wei Ying..” he whispered as if the stars weren’t millions of miles away but rather right by his side, eagerly listening and hoping to respond to his desperate heart.
“Where are you?”, pleas of come back, I miss you, I love you went unsaid. Surely the stars nearby would decipher it.
Sparkling specks of light twinkled in the golden-amber sea of Lan Wangji’s eyes.
The stars reflected eagerly in the heavy sad orbs as they twinkled brighter to say that they were listening. That they understood, indeed.
He inquisitively looked at the sky as he briefly wondered if he could make out the stars Altair and Vega, even though there was no way they could have the Qixi festival amid a war, he could still find solace in trying to locate those two stars.
Because then he’d wish for his heart to come back. For a bridge to form to lead him to wherever Wei Wuxian was so he could meet him even if it was for just a moment.
When Lan wangji met Wei Ying again, it didn’t feel like he was meeting Wei Ying.
He was with Wei Ying almost every day now, fighting on the battlefield. And even though, tangibly speaking, they were so close it felt like they were further apart than they’d ever been.
What stood in front of him was a vestige of the man he loved. The shadows moved with an eerie power, consuming its enemies with an insatiable hunger, on the battlefields.
Lan wangji was terrified. He was terrified for Wei Ying.
Because said shadows were almost indistinguishable from the very being controlling them. The man who had both enemies and allies, alike, quivering in their boots with his power and skill.
Power had never meant much to Lan wangji. He had only ever thought of its importance when he knew it was something he needed. Something he needed to fulfill his duty to protect the weak and innocent. A duty he had once sworn upon with someone equally, If not even more, righteous.
Yet Wei Wuxian’s power was undeniable in the way his eyes shone like rubies, the power and command that was carried in the melodies he played on his daunting-looking dizi, which had come to be known as the ghost flute, to direct the resentment-fueled corpses and spirits to destroy anyone and everyone that bore the symbol of the sun, and the eccentric emerald shade of fires that ravaged the pitiful orange ones of the enemies decorated the battlefields.
And Lan wangji could see that, he acknowledged because how could he not, but he saw more of the pallid complexion that decorated the boy’s face, the way his features had sharpened like the edges of a knife, the heavy circles under his eyes which were less shining silver and more stained gray.
When Wei Wuxian’s fingers would come to a still, splayed methodically across the Stygian-coloured dizi, his eyes would mingle between shades of dark silver and crimson red and all he could see was a sword rusting, still tinted with the blood it had shed.
And it would break something inside Lan wangji every time. Because to the rest of the world, Wei Wuxian was a valuable weapon. A weapon they needed to win the war. A weapon they needed to tolerate , at least for now.
He knew the reproach Wei Wuxian was facing regarding his mastery of demonic cultivation was more out of the cultivation world’s fear of being overpowered, jealousy of not having control of such power, and the greed for wanting that very power in their own slimy, rapacious hands rather than the genuine concern for Wei Wuxian’s well-being.
And that broke Lan wangji’s heart. He dreaded the end of the war (as much as he hoped for it) for he feared two things.
- Would any real part of Wei Wuxian even remain?
- If it did, and he desperately hoped for it, what would the world do to him?
Hanguang Jun found himself bearing no light in this case. He wanted to help Wei Ying, he wanted to protect him and make sure he would be alright.
Yet found himself to be utterly helpless. Or rather useless. He wasn’t the one who needed help and he clearly wasn’t the one who could provide it to Wei Wuxian.
His pleas of come back to Gusu with me were vehemently rejected. Why did Wei Ying seem so upset? Why isn’t he letting me help?
On one particular day, Lan wangji found himself unable to take the answer that had been conveyed, time and time again with such a bitter tone and Lan wangji swore he could feel the burn of it in his heart.
“Wei Ying.. please”, He pleaded as he reached out to hold the former’s wrist, too thin in his hold. He just wanted to help. Was it so wrong to want to help someone you love?
Or was Lan wangji the only one of the two who didn’t believe in the apparently well-known ‘fact’ that he and Wei Wuxian were sworn, enemies?
Were they really just that? The thought ached his heart further. (Was feeling always so tiring?)
If it was so, and it seemed so, he couldn’t blame anyone but himself could he? He had been the one to act as if Wei Wuxian was the most troubling thing alive, he was the one to push him away during the Gusu lectures, and he was the one to deny and avoid the younger boy’s presence.
And who could’ve seen beyond his facade? His brother for sure and he had. But how could Wei Wuxian or anyone else at that even begin to comprehend that all that revulsion was just an act, a pretense on wangji’s end to try and understand the new landscapes of emotions he was seeing and feeling? It was just him trying to control himself and his ever-growing infatuation, it was more than that he had learned, with the one boy who could not be more opposite to what Wangji’s life had revolved around before
He was half glad for it. Of course, he was. He hated being vulnerable and open. He would hate it if anyone were able to read him.
But for the first time, he wished for just one person to see through it all. One specific person. And as selfish as he felt and wanted Wei Wuxian to return his feelings, he wanted the latter to be able to read past his facade so that he could see that all Wangji wanted was to help.
Fuck what wangji felt. He just wanted to help and he would do anything to do so. And for the first time, Lan wangji felt the weight of his lack of communication skills.
Wei Wuxian jerked his wrist back just mere seconds after Lan wangji had taken hold of it.
Lan wangji felt pain shoot up his left shoulder, blossoming in the center of his heart (heartache isn’t as pretty as it sounds). He managed to suppress the groan he almost, involuntarily, let out, but his eyes briefly flashed a look of hurt.
A part of him hoped Wei Wuxian saw it. He hoped the other could see how much this was hurting him. All the other parts of him berated him for such selfish hope.
“Lan Zhan.. just let me go”, Wei Wuxian said with a sigh as he backed away. Why did he look so.. conflicted? Wasn’t it the younger boy who would take his hands and drag wangji off? Who would pat his shoulders and sling his arms around him?
What changed?
He really wished he hadn’t been so cold, so distant. This was his fault.
Look at what you’ve done.
But he never wanted to let the other go.
Stay... A part of him whispered. And he, now, felt dreadful at the thought of being alone if it meant the other boy was also not there with him.
He couldn’t let the other go and yet.. he didn’t want to be his father (the thought petrified him). And what right did he have to keep Wei Wuxian here? This was his fault. He pushed the younger one away.
Have I truly lost you?
Could he truly do nothing but watch as the one he loved just withered away right in front of his eyes? Fade away like a mirage, like a beautiful dream ending so abruptly, so tragically?
Lan Wangji backed away, bowing before he left without another word.
Lan wangji moved swiftly to dodge another fierce corpse’s attack, his eyes never leaving Wei Wuxian who stood in the middle of it all as cultivators threw curses at him, vowing to kill the Yiling Patriarch.
Jiang Yanli was dead.
Lan wangji watched with bated breath as wei wuxian’s red-rimmed eyes, filled with unshed tears like catastrophic waves at the edge of a shore, stared blankly, with a moribund sense, at nothing.
He could see nothing but grief and pain in them. And then he watched, or at least tried to, busy trying to not get mauled by the out-of-control corpses. But he watched nonetheless as wei wuxian’s expression morphed into one of rage, grief, pain, and then rage again and pain and grief and so on in an endless cycle of emotions, circling his pale deathly face, chenqing in a deathly grip in his fingers.
Lan Xichen was looking at him but he couldn’t bother to look at his brother. Or perhaps he did not want to see the expression the older one would have.
Wei Wuxian had lost control. With Jiang Yanli killed right in front of the former’s eyes, Lan Wangji knew things were going to get much bloodier.
Wei Wuxian brought chenqing up to his lips and resentment energy swirled around him like flames to fire as an ominous dreadful melody filled the battlefield. Black tendrils of resentment spewed faster and harder in a myriad of directions, and Wei Wuxian was engulfed in a cloud of thick black smoke in the middle of the chaos.
These tendrils did not merely stop at assault this time, which Lan wangji had noticed was all that they were doing when Wei Wuxian had initially started fighting before the tendrils had descended upon a killing rampage quite abruptly, and instead flew through cultivators, killing them instantly in a mess of red sprayed everywhere.
Screams and shouts echoed deafeningly as Lan wangji tried to defend the still figure of Wei Wuxian playing, literally, deadly melodies.
He didn't care whose goddamn side he appeared to be on. This was Wei Wuxian. His Wei ying. The righteous, brave, genius Wei ying, who had saved innocents at the price of being abandoned by his own Sect and family.
He hadn’t been able to stop Wei Wuxian from ruining himself, he hadn’t. But he would protect him now. No matter what it took, he would protect him. He would save him. He will not give up on Wei ying.
But Wei Ying killing cultivators as he was now wasn’t helping the latter’s situation any better. He needed Wei Wuxian to stop, calm down and just let him help. This wasn’t making things any better and he just couldn’t watch as his soulmate succumbed to the shadows and insanity
“Wei Ying, Stop!”, Lan wangji yelled in desperation. But Wei Wuxian just played harder, the tune reaching a minacious crescendo as his fingers fervently worked on chenqing.
Tears rolled down from wei wuxian’s tight-shut eyes to his pale gaunt cheeks and then his eyes flew open as blood spouted from his lips, trailing down his chin.
Lan Wangji felt his heart stop in his chest, his movements stilling, as he watched Wei Wuxian double over.
No no no... I’m too late
And then he felt pain flare up in his right arm and he whipped around on instinct, back to reality, as he struck down the fierce corpse that had attacked him. He continued his defense.
He already had one gash on his upper arm, blood dripping down the length staining his white sleeves scarlet, and if he wanted to protect Wei Ying he couldn’t afford to be any more injured.
And then he saw Wei Wuxian, still burning black smoke with resentment, as he lifted up, a broken smile on his face, showing his teeth stained with blood. His eyes were blown wide and he looked delirious. He looked so.. Lost.
“Yin... Hu.. fu..” Wei Wuxian began, his voice trembling in obvious rage and despair as the aforementioned object materialized to float above the palm of its master’s hand, swirling round and round like a mini tornado with eerie whispers of disharmony.
Wei Wuxian huffed out a laugh, making him look even more insane, as tears once more cascaded down his cheeks. His voice boomed out in rage as he shouted, “Since you all want to obtain it so badly, then each of you use your own abilities to snatch it!”.
And he threw the tiger seal into the air.
Cultivators jumped and lurched at it. The tiger seal drew in the resentful energy and imploded, sending shards in all directions.
But Lan wangji was focused on Wei Wuxian, who looked as broken and lost as ever. Wei Wuxian laughed uproariously as he watched cultivators kill each other in a bid to secure the Stygian Tiger Seal. It was a broken laugh of satire, pain, disgust, and hypocrisy that soon turned into sobbing.
Please ... Lan wangji internally begged no one in particular.
Lan wangji’s worriedly looked at Wei Wuxian and his heart thumped louder in his chest when he saw the latter fly towards a cliffside, the same one where they once had another one of their painful conversations regarding wei wuxian’s demonic cultivation.
He followed after.
They, now, stood face to face. Wei Wuxian’s back to the cliff, mere inches from the edge, and Lan wangji is a couple or so feet away from him.
Wangji’s eyes widened at the sight. He had an idea of what Wei Wuxian was intending to do and it broke him.
No... Please don’t.
But the lost, gone look in his soulmate’s eyes suggested an intention to do otherwise. Lan wangji wanted to sob and beg the other to not. He would give anything to protect him, he really would but was he really too late?
“Wei Ying, come back,” He pleaded desperately as tears started stinging his eyes, a fire starting in his heart.
PLEASE
But Wei ying simply gave a small sad smile and inched back towards the edge. Lan wangji’s heart stopped as his limbs froze in their place, no longer were his hands shaking or trembling.
Wei Ying closed his eyes, tears slipping out at the pressure, as he leaned back. Lan wangji shook out of his stupor as he leaped towards his falling soulmate, one hand outstretched to catch him.
He grabbed onto Wei wuxian’s hand with dear life, the pressure sending trails of blood down his arm, from his injury, onto Wei wuxian’s.
His soulmate’s eyes looked back at him as he tried to pull his hand away but Lan wangji was determined to hold on. This time, he wouldn’t let go.
“Lan Zhan..” Wei Wuxian said in a broken whisper.
Holdonholdonholdonholdon JUST HOLD ON
Wei Wuxian tried to pull his hand away but it was clear that he had no strength left.
“Lan Zhan, let go.” How could he say that? How could he say that as if it was the most easiest thing ever?!
But maybe that was Lan wangji’s fault. He had let go of Wei Wuxian too easily too many times.
I won’t... Not this time. I won’t I WILL NOT
Dread filled all his senses when he saw the unmistakable dangerous glint of Sandu. He heard Wei Wuxian say something but his head was too clouded with dread, exhaustion, and pain to really make it out.
His eyes widened as he saw Jiang cheng raise his sword and roar, “WEI WUXIAN! GO TO HELL!” and slam it into not Wei Wuxian but the rock underneath the precipice.
It shook and Lan Wangji decided that if it gave away and he fell with Wei Wuxian that would be okay.
As long as you are there, it is okay. It is okay, it is...
Wei Wuxian yanked his wrist out of Lan wangji’s hold and his fall toward the end renewed. Lan wangji, eyes wide and distraught, stared at Wei wuxian’s falling figure.
“WEI YING!” he screamed in agony. His heart was on fire. A burning, scorching fire.
His eyes locked on to the other one. Last. time. He saw himself in the silver sea of his soulmate’s eyes before they closed.
The same gaze of grief, pain, and rage that had swum in wei wuxian’s eyes. now reflected in his own.
It was as if his eyes had captured his soulmate’s last look and preserved it in his own eyes like a sentimental gift. His gaze remained the same for 16 years, thereafter.
And the fire had started and ended, leaving Lan wangji’s heart a wasteland.
Dead. Cold...
And thus began the longest winter, yet, in Hanguang Jun’s heart.
Lan Wangji sits on the bare floor of the Jingshi in his white underrobes, his fingers split and red as they lay across his guqin. He had been playing ‘Inquiry’ for the nth time now.
The coldest winter is cooking up a numbing storm in his heart, the pain too heavy, too much that his mind refuses to actually process it. Even the gash on his upper arm seems to not bother to cause pain in pity for whom it lays on. Even the bone-deep exhaustion that reverberates across his body seems to be too exhausted to make the second jade feel anything.
So he sits there. Numb, empty.
Will the sun ever shine? Maybe in the real world, it will but for Lan wangji, it just never might. His sun is nowhere to be found, his sun is lost.
He can’t find it. He can’t find Wei Ying. His dear lovely Wei ying.
(some winter moments ago)
The second Jade of Gusu had raced to the burial mounds. He internally pleaded to the gods above him that Wei ying was here.
That the other had survived and was injured but had survived nonetheless and flown to the burial mounds to shelter himself.
He hoped, he so desperately hoped that Wei ying was here.
And in lieu, he had found golden robes violating the place.
He wouldn’t let that happen. So what if Wei Wuxian wasn’t here? They had no right to raid the mountain as if Wei Wuxian owed them something when it was so obvious that it was the other way around. But then when had the cultivation world ever been sensible?
And if Wei Wuxian really wasn’t here, Lan wangji would search every inch to make sure before he came to that conclusion, the second jade would protect the burial mounds in his place. It was the least he could do.
He wouldn’t let them lay their filthy hands on wei wuxian’s inventions and hard work. He wouldn’t let them. So he fought. And yet he found no one (The only one that mattered). There was no Wei Ying.
And then familiar white robes entered the landscape. Lan Wangji stood his ground as he guarded the demon-subduing palace, refusing to move. They wanted him home. Lan wangji wanted to laugh. He didn’t but he wanted to.
How could they ask such an absurd thing? How could they be so dumb?
His home was lost. His home was missing..again. How could they ask for him to return to something that possibly didn’t exist?
Then they left. They all left and Lan wangji searched every inch of the burial mounds, to make sure again because all of this was giving him déjà vu and Wei Wuxian couldn’t just be gone, or could he? And just as he was about to head off to the unpurified section of the mountain, he spotted a bundle of something in a broken tree.
He staggered there, his body beat and broken from defending the mounds against his own sect and the jins, and apprehensively approached the bundle of blankets.
Upon a closer look, Wangji’s heart broke for the second time that day. In the bundle of blankets was a boy in torn clothes, asleep but shivering and quivering. As Lan wangji observed the boy, he internally confirmed that this was Wen Yuan.
He laid the back of his hand on his head and found a-yuan to be burning, his cheeks flushed and eyebrows furrowed. The second jade lifted the boy and clutched him to his chest and mounted Bichen to return to Gusu.
Wei ying was nowhere to be found but he had found something. Someone.
He failed to save Wei Ying. He wouldn’t fail A-Yuan.
--
The journey back to Gusu was slower and Lan wangji was barely holding onto consciousness. But he made it, nonetheless.
He arrived at the gates and he didn’t remember much after that. He knows that his brother had led the GusuLan Sect to Nightless city to kill Wei Wuxian, and he knew that. And he also knew that the GusuLan sect had stood by while the jins had attacked innocent Wen civilians.
But he knew his brother, for at least the moment, would not harm the obviously near-dead child he had brought. He had, at least, that much faith. And he hoped he wasn't wrong.
When he woke up, he was in his bed in his underrobes, his arm bandaged. Fortunately, not long after, Lan Xichen had come to inform him that the boy he had brought was being taken care of in the infirmary.
Lan wangji was grateful that his brother didn’t inquire further about the boy’s identity. Wangji couldn’t deal with that right now.
But there was something he would have to deal with. And that was his punishment.
“You attacked the elders, Wangji..” Lan Xichen said solemnly. He could see the concern in his brother’s eyes. He was worried about him, about what punishment he would now receive.
“I did what I had to do, Xiongzhang”, Lan wangji replied with no real emotion.
Lan xichen sighed and absentmindedly nodded as if he expected the response. “The elders, uncle, and I were discussing the punishment before you arrived. The discussion will resume once I return.” he paused, trying to catch wangji’s eyes but to no avail.
The first jade closed his eyes for a moment and resumed, “I will try my best to reason with them-”
“Don’t.” Lan Wangji knew he broke a rule here but did it really matter? He finally made eye contact with his older brother.
“Xiongzhang, I did what I had to do. That is it.” He stated with conviction.
Lan xichen looked at his brother with the same expression wangji was trying to avoid in the Nightless city. An expression dancing between pity, sadness, and frustration.
His brother nodded once in understanding and left.
(presently)
Lan wangji is crying now. Silent tears cascade down his cheeks, mixing with the blood spots on his guqin.
He just wants Wei Ying to be here. Or if not here then just alive and okay. Is that really too much to ask? Was it always too much to ask?
“Please..come back..”, Lan wangji whispers brokenly.
His fingers press down on the already red-stained Guqin strings as he grabs a hold of them in his fist and presses hard.
The thin strings pierce his palm and fingers once more, some creating new cuts while others just press deeper into the already existing ones. His eyes press shut and more tears escape at the pressure.
He’s already in so much pain and yet a little more of it doesn’t do much. At least he feels something.
It’s twisted, really. He was in so much pain that his mind and heart had just shut off because it couldn’t take it. And yet, this pain just centered him.
It helped him focus. It helped him gather his thoughts. Perhaps because it was external. Because internally, his heart had shattered into so many pieces that he could feel their shards cut into him, bleeding from within.
Maybe it was about balance? That made no sense though. Lan wangji just concluded that it didn’t need to be for as long as he could just continue.
Yes, he needed to continue. Maybe Wei Wuxian was alive somewhere and if he wasn’t..
A-yuan.. for A-yuan. I cannot fail A-yuan.
Not this time.
Lan wangji had good days and bad days. Most good days were just subtle bad days but he needed the optimism from somewhere.
Today was a particularly bad day. Maybe because it was the 5th death anniversary of Wei ying. It hurt him to think of it like that, but what else could he call it? And it’s not like it could change the fact that he would always have some hope, no matter how small, that one day Wei Wuxian would come back, alive.
Today he had no hope for it. Sometimes people have things that are too small in quantity and they can’t help but lose them at some point, no matter how safely they’ve guarded it. And people panic when they lose it. People lose themselves when they lose it and when they find it again, they promise to never be reckless enough to make such a grievous mistake.
It is quite similar a case for Lan wangji today. He finds himself having no hope for his soulmate’s return.
It’s been 5 years. Already?
And still no Wei Ying. No sunshine.
His heart is still cold. So deadly cold that he fears one crack and it’ll break. Again.
But maybe there is sunshine, in the form of an 8-year-old Lan Yuan.
And when Wangji looks at him, all he can think is how perfect the little boy is. How very perfect and precious.
How well you’ve grown, a-yuan...
The second jade sighs as he sits on the edge of his bed. He will, mostly, be alone today except for when he goes to say goodnight to A-yuan.
Lan xichen wasn’t very subtle about it but he had made sure that every year, on this one day, while the rest of the cultivation world celebrates, Lan wangji would have the day to himself with no responsibilities or duties to fulfill.
Lan wangji appreciates it. He does. But it all still hurts. He supposes it will never stop hurting.
It’s been 5 years without Wei Ying. How has he lived without the latter was so long?
A-yuan.. his mind supplies.
But now. But now little a-yuan is growing up well. He’s a perfect student, a model of discipline and so brave, smart, and kind. Sometimes he’s too eerily similar to Wei Wuxian.
It doesn’t change the fact that Lan Yuan is perfect. And Lan wangji knows the boy still needs him. He knows it all too well.
He wouldn’t be like his father. Not in the form of a husband or father. He wouldn’t abandon his children and he wouldn’t imprison his love.
Yet he still hurts. And today it is reaching a peak of unbearable.
Lan wangji clutches his chest, his breathing getting faster.
How have I and how can I? Why does it hurt so much? Why can’t he be here?
“Come back Wei ying. Please, where are you?” It seems it’s all he can say and he sobs silently and it seems only the walls hear.
His thoughts are taking a darker turn and he makes no effort to stop them.
Today is a bad day.
If Wei ying can’t be here, can I be there?
Would the heavens grant him the mercy of seeing Wei ying at least in the afterlife? They wouldn’t be so cruel right?
Maybe he can meet Wei Ying.
A-Yuan.. he’ll be okay. Yes, he has uncle and XiongZhang...
Lan wangji dodges the line of thought that would lead him to realize that wasn’t he left alone with his father’s brother too?
It’ll be okay..it’ll be okay.
Lan wangji is minutes away from wailing. How could love hurt this bad? It’s like someone is holding his heart in a tight grip and tightening it further and further to crush it into nothing but a mess of vessels and blood.
He thinks that maybe if he had tried harder to help Wei ying then today this wouldn’t be his reality.
You knew it was your fault that he died.
You couldn’t save him.
But Wei Wuxian could still be alive… right?
You know he’s gone. Long gone.
The pain only intensifies. How has it been 5 years already?
Lan wangji tried so hard to find Wei Wuxian’s soul. He had failed and he wasn’t the only one. No one could find his soul or his body.
It couldn’t have shattered.. could it?
Because that would mean he would never meet Wei Wuxian ever again. Not even in the afterlife.
The thought only distresses him more. His silent cries become audible.
Lan wangji’s golden eyes look like faded sunlight, so dull yet full of emotion even in their despair.
And then he eyes bichen, standing proud in its stand.
The Second Jade mindlessly stands up. His limbs move as if he’s a puppet. Dead yet alive under the control of something invisible yet powerful.
Despair. Grief. Pain. Love...
He removes the sword from its place, unsheathing it. He stares as it shines almost too appealingly. His shaking fingers clutch the hilt tightly to prevent it from clattering onto the floor, and his left-hand discards the sheath thoughtlessly to the side.
The second jade holds his spiritual sword right in front of his eyes. It has shed so much blood and yet it still shines as brightly and dangerously as ever. Wangji wishes he had the same spirit, which is ironic because it is technically his, He clearly doesn’t.
He brings Bichen closer and closer until its cold, biting edge meets the soft expanse of his neck.
Lan wangji lets out a shuddering breath, his eyes leaking with tears and then they flutter shut as his right hand, that’s grabbing the hilt, pushes the sword’s edge into his skin.
Wangji is trembling, his entire body shaking and quivering like the last leaf on a winter-stricken tree.
He tried so hard to hold on, but alas it was in vain because now he’s here. He tried so hard to not let the poison of loss kill him and yet he’s here.
A curved line of red forms on the second jade’s, once unscarred, neck as a single line of blood trickles down his throat.
He fell so hard for Wei Ying. And he doesn’t regret it. Not an inch of it. Because at least he had the experience of actually living, of really being alive.
I’m coming, Wei Ying.
He presses the edge of the sharp tip of Bichen in the corner of his neck, readying his hand to move in a swiping motion to slice his neck clean.
“Wangji?”, he hears his brother call out as a knock resounds on the door of the Jingshi. His movements are still but he stays in the same position.
“I am sorry to disturb you.. but I just wanted to see you. I..”, Lan xichen trails off but it’s not difficult to notice the worry lacing his voice.
“I would just like to see you for a minute”.
--
Lan xichen knew very well what today meant for his little brother. He was the one to make sure Wangji got the time he needed to grieve Wei Wuxian. He cared for his little brother, and he worried.
And for some reason, he had been anxious since the moment he had woken up.
Something didn’t feel right, and the knot of anxiety twisted further and further in his gut until he decided that he would resolve it by just confronting it head-on.
And so here he was, in front of the Jingshi, anxiously waiting for his brother to answer.
He understood this was wangji’s time to grieve but he just needed to see the younger one. Just to ease his anxiety that his little brother was alright.
The first jade hadn’t let go of the guilt of what had happened to wangji those 5 years ago. He hadn’t been able to protect his brother and it had killed him inside to watch him be on the brink of death.
He had never cursed Wei Wuxian in his entire life as much as he had that day. If only Wangji wasn’t trying to protect the demonic cultivator.
But it was no use to be thinking such things. The simple truth was that his didi was devastatingly deep in love with the said cultivator. And there was nothing he could do in the matter.
I’ll protect him better. He thought to himself. He had to. It was the only thing he could do.
Lan xichen anxiety started doubling. Why wasn’t wangji answering the door? He knew his brother must be sad today, probably meditating to ease his emotions but his little brother wasn’t one to just ignore him in either of the situations.
If he didn’t want Xichen here, he would open the door and tell him so. And Xichen would leave for he would’ve made sure his didi was okay.
But Wangji wasn’t opening the door. “Wangji?” He tried again.
The knot tightens and the first jade can feel himself panicking. He hesitates as he reaches out to push the door open.
This isn’t like Wangji. I have to make sure he’s okay.
The sight that greets him, breaks his heart.
--
The door creaks open and Lan wangji still makes no effort to lower the sword or ease back the pressure he’s applying on it to pierce his neck.
He knows what’s happening and yet he finds himself not caring.
Please just leave me alone.. please... Wei ying.
Tears slip past his lost golden eyes yet again.
Lan xichen slowly steps in. “Wangji?” He calls out yet again before his eyes land on the said individual.
His eyes meet wangji’s and they widen as they take in the scene before them.
Lan wangji feels the sudden impulse to just slice the sword clean on his neck, right then and there. He just wants it to be over.
Please...
It takes every ounce of willpower left in him to not give in. He’s lost, yes, but meeting his brother’s eyes and the look on his face as he processes what he’s saying, Wangji can’t do it.
Not in front of his XiongZhang.
He remembers how guilty Lan xichen was and continued to be after his punishment for attacking the elders was decided. Lan wangji had never held it against the other but he understood the guilt all too well. So he couldn't do this, not in front of his Xiongzhang.
But Lan wangji continues to stay frozen in place because he can’t move even if he tries. And he stays still even when Lan Xichen collapses to the floor, his eyes leaking tears as he undignifiedly crawls towards him.
“Wangji.. what...Please don’t.” Xichen’s voice comes out trembling and almost incoherent as he mumbles the words in utter despair.
The first jade’s hands tremble and shake as he apprehensively reaches out, afraid that one wrong move and his brother would be gone, to rest his hands on wangji’s right hand that holds the hilt of Bichen.
Lan wangji closes his eyes, his body still frozen and expression blank, as his brother’s fingers meet the knuckles of his hand, the touch so warm to his cold skin that he shivers in relief, pushing them down gently and then Bichen is ripped out of his grip and thrown aside.
Lan Xichen tosses himself at his brother to tightly hold him as if he would disappear if he didn’t. An involuntary sob leaves his lips as he cries into Wangji’s shoulder.
The second jade’s arms hang limply at his side but his body, his heart especially, relishes the warm embrace of his older brother. He doesn’t remember the last time someone had hugged him like this, with such desperate emotion.
He remembers hugging A-yuan in such a way. He remembers his Xiongzhang hugging him in such a way when their mother had died. He couldn’t understand the desperation, the pain, then but he understood it now.
A-yuan...
And he feels himself coming back to reality. It’s still fuzzy but he’s returning.
“Wangji..” His brother cries out.
“Why would you do this..why..”. Lan Xichen doesn’t understand what to do or feel right now. He just saw his didi try to kill himself. What is he supposed to do now?
What am I supposed to do now?
Lan wangji registers his brother’s voice and something breaks in his heart again. How many times will the damn thing break?
He feels a stinging sensation in his throat as a massive surge of tears threatens to leave his eyes. He swallows hard and then feels the sting of the cut he had made on his neck.
I...
He faintly processes the fact of what he had been about to do. How could he try to do this? Leave A-yuan? Leave his Xiongzhang?
And then he remembers why. And then he feels his brother’s sobs shake his own body.
And Lan wangji breaks down. Devastatingly.
His arms wrap around his brother and he buries his head in Xichen’s shoulder and cries.
The Twin Jades of Gusu aren’t so perfectly carved after all.
__
Lan xichen sits on the edge of wangji’s bed, finding an unprecedented solace wrap around his heart at the steady rise and fall of wangji’s chest.
And then his eyes fall upon the white stretch of bandages that wrap around his little brother’s neck. The reminder is brutal and the first jade feels his heartache.
After they had cried and broken down in each other’s arms, Lan Xichen had attended to wangji’s injury with trembling hands and a continuously aching heart.
He didn’t feel it right to take his brother to the infirmary. It felt too personal and he’s sure his brother appreciated the privacy. Wangji always had privacy.
And yet if he had let the younger one be and left without checking up on him, his didi would most likely be dead right now.
Lan xichen closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. He has to keep it together, he has to for his brother. Wangji needs him now more than ever and he’s going to be here.
He takes wangji’s hand in his own and just sits there. He can’t leave. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to let Wangji be out of his sight.
Not long after the second jade stirs awake. Lan wangji’s head aches and his body is sore, not to mention the uncomfortable way the white bandage rests on his neck.
He gulps as he remembers what had happened and then his eyes drift to meet his brother’s. He feels the warmth of Xichen holding his hand and for once he’s grateful for the touch.
“Brother..I..” Lan wangji begins.
Lan xichen just shakes his head. “It’s okay, wangji”. The tenderness with which xichen says those words makes tears well up in wangji’s eyes again. When did he start crying so much? So easily?
The other just shakes his head ruefully in response, “No. Brother, I am so sorry... I do not know what happened.”
“Wangji…I know it is painful. It is hard for you,” Xichen says. “I am sorry for not seeing just how bad it was,”. He adds on with guilt.
Lan wangji hates it. It isn’t his brother’s fault that he is feeling what he is. But it is his own fault that his brother thinks so. He can’t imagine how devastated he would be if he were ever to see Xichen in the state he had been in.
“It is not your fault, brother. I promise it won’t happen again.” Lan wangji hoped it wouldn’t. It felt so weird to be so doubtful about himself because he never had been in his entire life. There were exceptions, of course, like when he’d wondered why he hadn’t done anything to plead the innocence of the wen remnants or like when he had done so little to help Wei Ying.
He doubted his righteousness then. And here he is doubting his very own being now. How could he lose control of himself like this? All his life he had exercised such perfect control and discipline, did that mean nothing?
And then he realizes that it is not that it means nothing but rather Wei Ying means more than everything.
“Young Master Wei wouldn’t want this,” Xichen says as if he could read the younger’s thoughts.
The younger man stares back at Xichen, unable to form words to respond.
“Everyone thought you both hated each other. I know it is not true. And I know you believe that Young Master Wei didn’t like you. That is also not true,”
Lan wangji didn’t exactly think that. Or did he?
He remembers the archery competition of the QishanWen sect, the damned event that had given the Wen sect their petty excuse to attack and burn the Cloud Recesses, and how he had left it midway because of how embarrassed and flustered he was when Wei Wuixan had accidentally touched and pulled on his forehead ribbon.
He knows most people, Wei Wuxian included, thought he was furiously outraged, and he was but he was more flustered at the implication of what it meant for Wei ying to touch his ribbon... His scared ribbon. And then he was genuinely frustrated because the same Wei Ying had no clue what he had just done and then had proceeded to just sheepishly smile that stupidly beautiful smile of his.
So Lan wangji had left, his ears and face burning red, with his heart beating dangerously fast in his chest.
To Wei Ying, this had been an accident and it is all that it should have also meant to Lan Wangji and yet it didn’t.
The fact that it was an accident had made Lan Wangji feel unusually bitter. Because a part of him knew that it meant something to Wei Wuxian was a near impossible feat.
Wei Wuxian probably only liked him as a friend then but at least he liked him in some way.
He always did wonder why Wei Wuxian refused to take his help and it had occurred to him that the other boy simply could’ve started disliking him. And that hurt.
Another part of Lan wangji thought that maybe he was just an interesting toy for Wei Wuxian to toy with and at some point the other had gotten bored and that was the end of it for them. That stung the hardest.
But it was hard to believe that theory because Lan Wangji knew that even though Wei Wuxian was a prankster and troublemaker, his heart had always been in the right place and that he would never deliberately do that to someone.
And then he remembers Phoenix mountain.
“What am I to you?”, Lan wangji couldn’t help asking.
Wei Ying looks at him, eyes slightly wide at the sudden question. And then his face softens, eyes downcast as if the answer is too heavy to say.
“I used to see you as my lifelong bosom friend,” Wei Ying says with a sincerity that warms Lan Wangji’s heart. The feeling fades as quickly as it comes as he realizes that Wei Ying had used past tense… meaning he didn’t think the same now.
Lan Wangji can’t help but panic and feel a need to clarify that statement, and he asserts, “I still am.”
Wei Ying looks at him, eyes wide, finally making eye contact, and then something saddens in them and he holds up his flute in front of him.
And Lan Wangji understands and he wants to reassure Wei Ying that he does not think less of him because of his cultivation (he knew Wei Ying was anything but evil). He could never but he does worry about what it might do to the other.
But before he can say anything further, they are interrupted.
And so the Second Jade knows that Wei Wuxian had liked him, had even thought of him as a soulmate. Yet the way he had always refused Lan Wangji’s help had made him think otherwise. That and utterly desperate.
Because it was at that point that he had decided to do something he had vowed never to do. Truthfully it had always hurt, even more than the idea that Wei Wuxian disliked him, to think that he was forcing his help on the other because Wei Ying clearly didn’t want any of it and that was the last thing he wanted to do.
But he was so afraid of losing Wei Ying and the Phoenix Hunt had reminded him that Wei Ying was at the edge because the cultivation world wasn’t going to be quiet or discreet anymore about the other having such immense power in his hands even though it was his power.
Lan Wangji looks at his brother and thinks back to the conversation they had at Koi tower after the hunt.
The Jades are facing each other but the Second Jade looks tense as compared to his usual blankness.
“Brother, I…” Lan wangji averts his eyes. All he wants to do is protect Wei Ying. He needs to. “I want to bring some back to the Cloud Recesses”.
“Bring some back to the Cloud Recesses?” Lan Xichen questions.
“Bring him back and hide him,” Lan wangji says, his gaze filled with emotion.
A look of realization dawns upon Lan Xichen’s face. “Hide him?” The first Jade says, raising an eyebrow.
Lan wangji knows, he is sure, that the implication, or rather the similarity, to someone they both know with his words is not lost on his brother. He knows he had promised himself to never be like his father but he is so desperate. So afraid.
“I’m afraid he won’t comply,” Xichen says looking away now. And that is all.
Lan wangji understands.
So he had backed away. He had reluctantly, yet again, backed away.
But would forcing his help on Wei Ying have been better?
Lan wangji does not know if it would have been better than Wei Ying being dead (missing) as he is now.
Lan xichen continues. “I do not know what the young master felt for you, wangji.”
The addressed almost blushes at the word ‘felt’. Of course, his brother knew of his feelings for Wei Wuxian but it felt weird being said out loud.
“But I do know that he did care for you,” Xichen had a hard time admitting that but he knew it was the truth. After all, it was his, their, sect that had technically brought his didi to the edge of death. And he also knew the number of times Wei Wuxian had risked his own life to save his brother.
“He wouldn’t want you to leave. He would want you to live and try to be happy,” Lan xichen squeezed his brother’s hand.
Lan wangji knew that. They had thought of each other as soulmates. His Wei Ying would want him to live and move on. But it wasn’t that easy. And it wasn’t like he wasn’t trying. He was trying so so hard.
But it is inevitable to slip on a slippery slope. And recovery was very very similar to that.
“I understand, brother. I promise I will do better,” Lan wangji said determinedly. He didn’t know where it was coming from but he knew he needed to do better. For A-yuan, for his brother.
Lan xichen was, surprisingly, not happy to hear that. A frown subtly settled on his face as his brows furrowed.
“Wangji, you sound like you are vowing to do better in training . As if this is something you need to do for me or someone else”, Lan xichen explained.
“It isn’t.” Lan xichen states. “You need to do this for you, do you understand?”
Lan wangji just stares and then his eyes move to gaze out the window.
He doesn't know if he does. And even if he did, how is he supposed to do it? It’s been like this for 5 years. 5 long years of longing and mourning. There wasn’t even a body.
No closure. Just a dead end and wangji’s dead heart.
He doesn’t know if he can ever stop mourning and grieving Wei Wuxian. He doesn’t he can.
“How can I forget him?” Lan wangji whispers.
“You don’t need to,” Xichen supplies. And then his brother sighs. “You need to make peace with the fact that even if he is no longer here, he is still there”.
Lan wangji turns his head to look back at what his brother is implying at. Xichen is pointing at him, at his heart.
“He’ll live on in your love for him. He’ll live on in your love for A-yuan”.
The second Jade always knew his brother was better with words than he ever was but he understood what the older one saying. He could understand. And it was hitting him hard.
He never had trouble with his academics but understanding emotions and feelings was never his forte. The only time he had ever been sure of anything in that matter was his love for a certain powerful cultivator.
But he understood this. He could do this. At least he thinks he can. Lan wangji can live on if it means a part of Wei Wuxian gets to as well.
“I understand, brother. Thank you,” Lan wangji says and he truly means it.
Lan xichen smiles now as he squeezes the other’s hands again. “There is no need for that. Also I think it would be a good idea to talk to Lan Nuan..is that okay?”.
Lan Nuan is a healer but mainly she focuses on spiritual distress and the balancing of the qi due to emotional trauma. She had helped disciples, at least those who had survived, recover from the trauma of the war and the families of those who had lost loved ones in the same war.
Lan xichen understood that Wangji wouldn’t be too keen to talk to someone about his feelings but they were in a dire situation. No matter how ‘okay’ the second jade looked right now, Xichen couldn’t just forget what he had walked on.
His little brother had tried to kill himself.
Lan wangji looks at his brother and feels guilt claw at him. He made his xiongzhang so worried. He supposes that talking to Lan Nuan is the least he can do to ally the other and maybe it could actually help him.
Besides, Lan wangji knows Lan Nuan very well for she is one of the oldest and most revered healers of the GusuLan sect. He also remembers her from when he was just a little kid. He remembers a gentle voice trying to explain to him why he couldn’t see his mother anymore.
“You know you can trust her and you don’t have to tell her everything, just what you feel. It is and will be difficult but I hope that it can help,” Lan xichen concludes.
“Alright, brother. I will see Sifu.” Lan wangji replies.
Lan xichen is surprised at the show of willingness on his brother’s end but more than that he is glad for it.
--
Lan wangji sits on his bed, leaning against the pillows stacked behind him as he stares out the window at the black canvas of the sky.
The open expanse of the dark canvas was littered with tiny shining lights as some formed a stray path, looking just as ethereal as the ones who hung elegantly over the fading silhouette of misty clouds.
Lan Wangji gazes at the stars and wonders if he wishes hard enough, he can see Wei Ying again?
A few years ago when Wei Ying had been missing after the massacre of Lotus pier, he had done the same, and then Wei Wuxian did come back.
The Second Jade sighed. He just couldn’t help himself from thinking about the other. But he could think about him, right?
He wants to think about him. He wants to think and remember Wei wuxian’s sun-like bright smile, his red ribbon fluttering in the air as he causes trouble here and there, how his laugh warmed Lan wangji’s heart in the most endearing way ever and how every moment he had ever spent with the other was pure bliss.
It brings him solace, comfort, a safety that he has only ever felt in his mother’s arms.
So he thinks that he can do this. He can be okay, perfectly content, with thinking about Wei Wuxian.
He thinks he can do this because he will not fail A-yuan. He will give the precious boy all his love and care and he will make sure to protect him.
Lan wangji thinks he can do this if he remembers that he fell in love with Wei Wuxian and that even though he isn't here right now, Wei Wuxian was the best thing that has ever happened to him.
Lan wangji thinks he can do this for his love for Wei Ying will be his strength to raise A-yuan and be the best father he can be to the boy.
Lan wangji thinks he can do this for his love for Wei Ying will be his strength to live on.