Work Text:
Tommy wants to go home to Tubbo (aww) and his parent (so sad)
But Tubbo is in space, has been kidnapped and sold twice and has taken over a small ship while disguised as a ramlin (sheep-ish alien with spider legs coming out of their backs and too many tiny extra eyes) with the help of his new enderian fraud husband, the also borrowed a kid to make it more believable
((Ranboo is high up in enderian aristocracy and his parents bought Tubbo as a display pet, Ranboo helped him get out and they both became wanted criminals in the process, Ranboo’s parents are looking for him))
Tommy’s parents don’t miss him because they are dead, his father was absent, and his mother took her own life after he *ahem* disappeared . He doesn’t know this.
Tubbo is a failed foster child. No parents to speak of. One sister who thinks he’s dead.
Tubbo picks up a homeless (trans-masc. because I say so) ramlin, Jeb Schlatt who offers to show him how to pass himself off as one in ports, act as his chaperone (because ramlin don’t usually leave their parents until they’re 19-20 years old), pilots the ship and pretend to be his father in exchange for helping him get away from people who don’t like him(who he faked his death to avoid), namely his ex, his sister puffy and her sons and one of her sons’ boyfriends, and get him to his “old friends’” (the chuckle sandwich crew) place, he is waiting on the ship for tubbo and ranboo to get back with Michael because he’s hungover as all fuck and couldn’t be arsed dragging his ass to the port in case his ex saw him.
Tubbo’s stolen ship is called the Iliad and used to belong to techno but was stolen from him 10 years prior
Phil is infamous pirate first, dad second but he thinks tommy is adorable
Techno is busy doin techno shit for 80% of the fic.
They found Michael near the smouldering remains of a ransacked town on netheria when they went to look for ranboo’s estranged Uncle Edward.
Note to self, include the classic Philza “shut”
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Plot point:
Will and tommy have a heart to heart about past trauma
Tommy blackmails will into not telling anyone tommy speaks common, techno already worked it out and gives zero shits
-Uneasy alliance of the dirty crime boys –
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Quick guide to imperium time :
Clock- 15 hours – half a standard day usually considered waking hours.
Tic – 5 minutes
Cycle- 5 standard days - equivalent to a week
Elytron language is called avis
Piglins speak pegleigh
Voidlings speak “the old tongue”
Ramlin speak ramasas
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Things to note:
Tubbo is also wanted for arson. (And smuggling, and illegal use and possession of explosives, and being on a ship that crashed causing a 12 ship pile up outside ezempi’s orbit that killed several traders and held up supply chains for months. ) all in all a lot of death, property destruction, casual violence ect.
Wilbur illegally sold homemade drugs with George and Schlatt, got kicked out of space uni for it
Tommy has accidentally killed several people but all of them where scumbags so ..?
Schlatt is Wilbur’s old friend (with benefits?) so interactions between them should be super awkward (horny?)
Schlatt also spends 75% of this book intoxicated or recovering from being intoxicated and I vibe with him for that. He can also do the voice thing because I think its funny, idk how that’s relevant but I’m sticking in a reference to it at least once. He tried an earth apple once and has sworn that one day he will have another.
Tommy has no idea that tubbo and ranboo are scam married until the end of chapter 7
No one knows whats going on between techno and Phil (queerplatonic life partners? Besties? Brothers in arms?) and I will not confirm or deny anything other than Phil is 15+ years older than techno
The reason Wilbur has trust issues is mostly just Eret (Eret is a voidling, they all have very limited prophetic foresight, leathery skin covered exoskeletons in various colours, digitigrade legs, horns of various sizes, a whip like tail with a spade on the end, white eyes and occasionally a brightly coloured crest of thick wiry keratinous hair on their heads and down their backs similar to piglin manes and even more rarely wings. (bad boy halo is also a voidling albeit a larger darker pigmented one)
the eret situation:
Eret was the eldest child of a voidling diplomat who got caught up in Wilbur’s little drug thing and had to jump ship to avoid the school finding out and telling people, ruining their parents’ reputation.
Phil obviously was fine with this but instead of being a nice, decent person and getting off on the next port of call they ran immediately to the space cops and dropped everyone in it except herself and went home to live a cushy imperium funded lifestyle and occasionally get interviewed about how terrifying it must have been to be kidnapped by the angel and his blade.
Prick.
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Tommy is hiding what happened on the first ship. (he got grabbed by a group of smugglers, one of which was dream xd who traumatised the shit out of him and Another was George Hd who he kinda accidental murdered when he tried to escape being sold to some enderians)
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Dream is basically a weird land-dwelling jellyfish/plant/coral thing and Idk if I like what ive created.
Other shit to note:
The only species that can hybridise are shifters ( usually demigods), blazeborn and totems, but they can get with any other sentient species, other than slimes, humans, gemfolk (and In the case of blazeborn) elitrians ; and avians(in the case of totems).
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Quackity runs a little game shop on ezempi near port 5, he’s got two fuckin boyfriends, one of them he’s married to, you gotta guess, a half hour or so away from the main market ports 6 and 7.
Port six is mostly luxury goods and port seven Is more local businesses and everyday essentials. Tourists don’t really go to port 7.
This makes it a great place for an unassuming fluffy yellow avian law student / business owner to smuggle goods and get involved with infamous space pirates. He now has a fucked-up face and a bit of a bone to pick with a certain piglin. He’s also sams adopted kid.
No one has any fucking idea what Karl is. At ALL. When he’s asked, he tells everyone his grandfather was a slime. This is not helpful.
Sapnap is half blazeborn-half voidling and the (adopted) son of bad-boy-halo (he found him in a tree!). He has anger issues.
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Captain puffy wants to murder Schlatt. (after she finds out hes alive of course)
Foolish wants to murder schlatt because puffy wants to murder schlatt, Sam wants to arrest him on suspected involvement in Wilbur’s illegal drug thing, ponk is there because they like chaos. Dream has his own agenda but also because he loves his papa and George wants his cut of the cash Wilbur dipped with. Puffy is Schlatt’s sister
Schlatt faked his death via stroke and quackity has no clue his ex still lives and despite having a decent, if slightly toxic, relationship, he shit talks him to anyone who asks so he won’t get caught up in wilburs bullshit. Someone told a few people that he ate schlatts heart and he decided to roll with it for intimidation factor (because fluffy yellow avians with wings so small they struggle to glide arent scary but a guy with a fake eye, massive facial scar and pointed gold teeth who smells like coal fire all the time and allegedly ate his exes heart are.)
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Puffy dosent exactly remember why she wants to find out if her brother is actually dead and if hes not bring him to justice, but shes been committed to it for three years at this point and as a member of the imperium’s enforcement squad and a renowned mental health professional she can’t exactly go back on it now, shas also still mad at him about selling drugs and leaving their abusive parents without her, so it all works out.
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Foolish is a totem/merling that puffy kinda stole by accident, dream is a dreamon orphan puffy acquired through 100% legal means and definitely not because he followed her onto her ship as a newly hatched larva.
I am this (THIS) close to making Michael a chosen one situation who has partial immunity to the rot
(Michell may just have to die though, for angst.)
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Sally is Nikki’s childhood best friend; they go into nursing together.
Puffy meets Nikki after they both end up running into each other in a hospital and they fall in love.
Just a side point,
Wilbur and sally had a fling (read long term relationship and where planning on getting hitched) while Wilbur was in college, he does have a kid by sally, but they agreed to leave Fundy with his other parent because will became a bit of a criminal.
Fundy shows up later to throw so many spanners in places that should not have spanners
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Techno and phil met after techno’s ship got stolen and techno ended up being done for space crimes and breaking out of prison. Phil was in the same prison and they broke out together. Friendship is stored in the space prison breakout; they are both three quarters of the reason security is so high now.
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How do I, a traumatised aro-ace spec moron write a healthy relationship?
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GODS ARE REAL IN SALT, THEY’RE JUST NOT “GODS” IN THE TRADITIONAL SENSE, THEYRE MORE OF AN ALAGORY GIVEN FLESH AND FORM THAN A REAL GOD AND THEIR POWERS WHILE VAST IN SCOPE ARE LIMITED IN USES, FOR EXAMPLE, KRISTEN SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF LIVING THINGS WHEN SHES NOT PAYING ATTENTION, SHE IS TO LIFE WHAT A BLACK HOLE IS TO A NEARBY STAR. SHES ALSO FUCKING MASSIVE. GIANT DRAGON BLACK HOLE WOMAN!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! LARGE WOMEN MY BELOVEDS, SHES ALSO CHAOTIC AS HELL.
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Puffy is a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops, with gentle hands (hoofs/paws) and a heart of a fighter, she ate a spider.
Tubbo learned how to fly from schlatt, hes not qualified and dosent have a licence but hes very talented and schlatt is sure that if he wasn’t a human hed be a recognized prodigy in the imperium fight academy.
Schlatt was trying for a kid with quackity but for obvious reasons (see the fact that theyre not the same species at all) It didn’t work out, unlike with sally and wilbur. Schlatt always kind of resented wilbur for being so quick to walk away from fundy even though he was an impossible “miracle” child who without serious medical intervention would never even have hatched
The only reason schatt is the pilot is that he has a (mostly) valid licence, even though hes kinda wanted.
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PLOT POINT,
Phil tells tommy and Wilbur stories about how Elitrians and avians drove dragons out of their home planet and into the void, where their scales formed the stars and their teeth streak across the night sky and fall as meteorites, cute moments with sbi + mumza.
PLOT POINT
Techno goes on his “ hunting down the motherfucker who took my ship” arc
PLOT POINT
Wilbur as a demigod, feels detached from elitrian culture and struggles with identity and self-worth because of that. He talks it out with techno, who has similar feelings about his own upbringing because he was born with reddish eyes and a full set of tusks and this lead his very religious sounder to believe he was a chosen one of sorts and gave him preferential treatment he never felt worthy of, leading to him not having friends as a shoat, growingup isolated from his peers and poorly socialised.
PLOT POINT
Tubbo and tommy keep speaking English when they don’t want the rest of sbi or Ranboo knowing their plans. This leads to tommy and tubbo having long deep conversations about their traumatic time apart and ranboo being uttery lost, micheal is trilingual by the time hes 6.
PLOT POINT
terrifying eldrich bird mother Kristin wants to know why phil has been hiding a new flock member from her and then proceeds to also try and steal ranboo and tubbo. She is very large she could put them all in her hat. She also wants a nerf gun. Tommy should not have told her about nerf guns.
PLOT POINT
Puffy mounts a police raid on the crew of the angel and drags Schlatt out by the horns, Schlatt is utterly amazed that puffy knew he was alive and kept looking for him, puffy is trying not to dump him in a black hole. He finds out about sick baby Michelle and immediately feels terrible.
PLOT POINT
Techno and micheal having “small child and cool scary uncle figure” time while plot stuff happens
-note to self-
That ‘my singing monster’s’ audio is an absolute bop, and I should daw toms to it.
(NOT A) PLOT POINT
Michelle is the favourite sibling, foolish and dream will do anything to keep her happy.
Dream is kind of an asshole; Michelle is spoiled and foolish is an idiot but they all love each other and their papa.
PLOT POINT
When puffy gets an “anonymous tipoff” (read Sapnap trying to protect Quackity from being hurt again) that her brother is staying in the loft of los nevadas untill the levels of security drop to manageable levels (because apparently two highly wanted criminals stalking around a well known tourist hub and harassing merchants and people in the space carpark might turn a few heads) she immdediately heads to ezempi to apprehend him, this leads to a minor ship crash caused by a drunk felid (ngl its antfrost) and their partner rear ending puffys ship, smashing the back window. And rendering space filght risky if not impossible due to the treat of iminent cabin deprssurisation. dream (and phil, who is a voidwing, an elitrian touched by the hands of a god) being the only ones who can handle the depressurised cabin for more than a few seconds. This means that puffy strikes a deal with the angels crew to not turn them in if they can get her to the law enforcement outpost and let her leave with schlatt so that she wont turn them in.
PLOT POINT
Dream meets his “real” family XD and Drista (smuggler and bountry hunter respectfully) when theyre helping puffy incarcerate (bad runs the outpost with is husband skeppy ) Schlatt. Dream is informed of a human child who has done him a great disservice ( by killing George HD and fucking up his faceplate ) , dream is obviously confused but wants to get to know his “real” family and and asks puffy to help them . Culminating in the moral dilemma of dream having bonded a little with tommy and then finding out hes human and having to turn him into his new family. And puffys moral dilemma of telling dream at all about tommy.
PLOT POINT
The sbi find out Tommy is hiding what happened on the first ship and he has to come clean on the fact that he killed a guy and brutaly disfigured another, to which techno goes lol me too and tubbo starts comparing bodycounts. This makes it less surprising when five minutes later dream xd and drista boot down the door.