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Abusing the World Tree

Summary:

Wanderer messes around in Irminsul to change history so he’s Lumine’s boyfriend. Comedy ensues.

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Lumine woke from an unusually deep sleep and stretched, kicking her legs out behind her and rolling her wrists with her arms. Paimon floated in from the other room on hearing her groan. 

“Traveler! Good morning!”

“G’morning.” She sat up and rubbed her eyes, running her hands through her hair in lieu of a comb. “Have you had breakfast yet?” 

“Nope! Paimon was waiting for you to wake up. There’s an awesome cafe just down the road that we should check out!”

 

Once dressed and ready, Lumine followed her floating friend to their destination and ordered them a tray of coffee and biscuits before they hit the road. Paimon polished off her first treat and looked expectantly at her. “So, what are our plans for today?”

“Uh… run some commissions, then head to that cliff to help that guy out. I think we’ve blown him off long enough.” 

“Oh! We could ask your boyfriend to help! He’s much stronger than Paimon. He could carry you and fly you up there!” 

She blinked with half a biscuit in her mouth, mumbling around it. “My what now?”

“Your boyfriend! Why are you looking at Paimon like that?” 

Tension grew at the corners of her eyes and the biscuit dropped from her limp hand. “Remind me, who’s my boyfriend?”

Paimon crossed her arms behind her back. “Did you hit your head in your sleep or something?” 

Oh for, how many times did this have to happen before she caught on? Lumine rubbed her face and massaged between her eyes. There were only two people that could alter people’s perceptions through Irminsul, and she was pretty sure Nahida wouldn’t retroactively assign her a boyfriend without asking. Unlike the other one, she had a sense of boundaries.

Her questions were answered when the cafe door rebounded off the wall, a dramatic wind sweeping across the floor with the smell of flowers. An all too familiar, snarky, nasty voice followed it. “Well hello, dear.” 

She turned to the man with the predatory smile hidden behind an armful of roses and padisarahs. 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

He walked right up to them and dropped the bouquet in her lap, leaning against the table with a warm pur. “What, too good for flowers?”

“Paimon, can you give us a few minutes alone?”

“Okaaaay, you two enjoy your couple time!” she winked. Before she left, she hung onto Lumine’s shoulder and whisper-shouted in her ear. “Though Paimon really thinks you can do better than him.” 

“And I think she could do better than you as a guide. What do you even do besides spew hot air and eat everything in sight?” 

Paimon snarled and stamped her foot mid-air. Lumine put a hand on her face before she could get any more worked up and pushed her towards the door. “Don’t fall for the bait and don’t antagonize him. Go get yourself a snack or something.” 

She grumbled and fluttered off to do as she was asked. Lumine turned back to the boyfriend she didn’t agree to and gestured at the flowers, which were really quite beautiful. “ Really ?”

“I think the words you’re looking for are ‘thank you.’ It’s what most people say when someone goes to the trouble of getting them a gift.”

She watched his face and prayed that he somehow managed to not affect himself with the change. Thankfully he was expressive even by human standards, much less those of a puppet. 

 

She patted the seat next to her once she found the nervousness she was looking for, poorly hidden behind a shield of sass. She smiled and dragged her hand along his chest, up his neck and to his chin, quietly pleased with herself at how he stiffened. 

She dropped her hand back to where his vision rested, tapping her finger with a hollow thunk.

“You must have something in that empty little chest of yours.”

“Wow, what a loving and sweet thing to say to your boyfriend who just got you flowers.” 

She noticed him strain a bit on the ‘boyfriend,’ the tiniest fray in his voice and the obvious lie in his eyes. She ignored it for now and leaned in close, curling her fingers in the fabric of his shirt. “I cannot believe you’re so scared of rejection that you’d rather rewrite reality than ask me out like a normal person.” 

He laughed and leaned farther across the table, away from her, and turned to fidget with the flowers. He rubbed a few petals between his thumb and forefinger, watching them bruise and turn to slime. “Is that what I did? Maybe your memory is going…” Violet eyes flicked back over to her, betraying the nerves hidden by his voice. “How can you be sure that I did something to make everyone think we’re a couple?”

“Because I’m not as stupid as you like to think.”

“...Ah. Well then. I take it that means it didn’t work?” he asked with the slightest twitch in his right eye.

She pulled the bouquet away from him before he could destroy the rest of the flowers and pawed through them. There were a lot of those climbing lotuses wrapped around the central mass, little shocks of gold surrounding a mess of blue and purple. “I’m not affected by changes to Irminsul. You know that.” 

He clucked his teeth and sighed into his palm. “Yeah, yeah, but you can’t blame me for trying.” 

She let him stew for a second and smelled the flowers. “Did you pick these yourself?”

“Of course I did. Why would I spend mora on something I can do myself?”

“I figured it was because you don’t have mora to spend.” 

He stuck his tongue out at her and pulled the conversation back to the current crisis. “I figured you would’ve jumped at the opportunity to get with a god, you know. You wouldn’t even have to explain things to your friends. It’s already done.”

She raised an eyebrow. It took everything in her to not make a ‘your mom’ joke about getting with gods. Instead, she shook her head. “Even if you were a god, I don’t date cowards.” 

His glare turned to pure venom, lacing his words and his looks. “Watch your mouth.” 

She just rolled her eyes. “How did you even manage this? Why are your memories normal?” 

“Lesser Lord Kusanali taught me how to upload a false memory. It’s not as drastic as deleting something and the effects aren’t as widespread. As far as I’m aware, only people close to you are affected.”

“So you can just… do that. Whenever.”

“Yep.”

“I hate the way this world works,” she sighed. “...And Nahida was okay with you doing this to convince everyone you’re my boyfriend?” 

He chewed on his lip. 

“You asked Nahida for permission before you went diving into Irminsul, right?”

“Will you go along with it if I say yes?” 

She pinched the bridge of her nose. “What did you expect to get out of this? Did you think Paimon was going to peer pressure me or something?!”

He shrugged. “I figured you’d like it. Why else would you insist on spending so much with me? Clearly you’re obsessed…” He leered forward and grinned at her. “C’mon, I made it easy. Just go with it.” 

Heavens below, this man was insane. Half right, but insane. She slapped her hands on the table and stood. “This isn’t gonna work. You need to fix this.” 

He sat back and crossed his arms with his usual snark. “And how do you propose I do that? What’s done is done. Why don’t you keep your pretty head down and accept the path I so nicely laid out for you?”

Yeah, no. She liked him, but fighting back was half the fun. She crossed her arms and glared down at him. “You have two options. First, you can beg Nahida to reset Irminsul’s records back to normal.” 

He looked a touch embarrassed, but frowned when she didn’t continue. “What’s the second option?”

And now it was her turn to be shy. She busied herself with her flowers, teasing the petals apart and rubbing the pollen between her fingers. “Figure it out.” 

“‘Figure it out’? What, did you want to give me the illusion of a choice but didn’t bother to think of an alternative?”

“No. You’re just smart enough to put it together and this is important for you.”

He watched her over his fist, tapping his finger against the table. “Even Lesser Lord Kusanlia gives me a hint when she’s trying to help me with personal growth or whatever.” 

“You really want a hint?”

“Would I ask if I didn’t want one?” 

“It might hurt your feelings.” 

“Since when has that stopped you?” 

He had no idea. She had a novel’s worth of horrible, cruel things to say to him if he ever misstepped, things that would make other people think less of her. But he’d been… shockingly well behaved, all things considered. This was the worst thing he’d done in weeks and it was sorta cute in a psycho way. 

She pulled a padisarah out and twirled it in her fingers. “Okay. Your hint is that trying to magically go back and make the world the way you want it without consulting me or putting in the work is cheap and cowardly.” 

He scoffed. “You ungrateful little- Do you have any idea what most people would do for my attention?”

“I’m not most people.” She bent down until their noses almost touched and dropped her voice. “You were almost the new god of wisdom, were you not? This shouldn’t be hard for you… Unless your head’s as empty as your chest.”

He stood too, crowding her back and towering a whole inch over her. She would’ve been able to feel his breath on her face if he were the kind of person to breathe. 

There were a lot of emotions written on his face. Frustration, mostly, but also excitement and anxiety. He seemed to realize that they were standing nose to nose but, rather than step back, he looked down at her mouth. 

His eyes flicked back up to hers. She raised her eyebrows encouragingly. 

“What’s the second option?” he whispered. 

“You tell me.” 

He grimaced and let out a frustrated growl. He was so, so close to getting over himself and taking the risk she needed him to… so maybe she could help him out a little bit. 

She gently took his wrist. His hand immediately snaked up to meet hers, fingers winding together and holding tight. He cocked his head to the side with eyes blown wide and she mirrored it, a subtle encouragement. He inched closer. 

He lost his nerve and pulled back, so she gave his hand a little squeeze. She could’ve cut the tension with a knife, but she needed to be patient. He needed her to be patient. These things took time. Eventually, he made up his mind and looked at her with a silent plea not to hurt him. 

And then he pressed his mouth to hers. 

 

He kept his eyes open for the duration of the brief kiss. It was a little unnerving, but mostly fun watching his pupils shrink and dilate as his brain came to grips with reality. He broke it off much faster than he’d gone for it, looking equal parts furious and fearful. 

She reached out to brush his cheek with its eerie, dry texture. “You should really close your eyes when you do that.”

“You didn’t.” 

“Because you didn’t.” 

“Then show me how I’m supposed to kiss you, oh experienced one,” he mocked, though his eyes shone with a happiness she’d never seen on him before. 

He’d done enough to earn her respect. She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and held him close as she kissed him. He went rigid at first, but eventually figured out what to do with his hands and slowly relaxed into the embrace. 

Soon he met her like a man that hadn’t been touched in years, abandoning his usual airs to melt into her arms. He even made little sounds into her mouth, desperate and possessive and vulnerable and sweet. 

 

At length, they broke apart. He panted, though he didn’t need to, and almost smiled. “So… Do I still need to go beg Kusanali to fix things?” 

“That depends. Do you think there’s any meaningful difference between reality and what’s in Irminsul?”

“I…”

This would take forever. She dropped her forehead against his and stared into his eyes. “Are you my boyfriend?” 

Even after all that, the man was shy. He looked everywhere but her face, though he still clung to her like she’d dissolve if he let go. 

Eventually, he looked up at her. He nodded. 

“Use your words, hun.”

“Bite me.” 

She laughed and pulled back. He rolled his eyes and rubbed his face as if that’d do anything about the blush. “ Yes , fine! I want to be your boyfriend! Are you satisfied?” 

“Very.” She went to cup his face again, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her off balance. 

“Now you say it.” 

That was probably fair. She met him with a warm smile and a level voice. “I want you to be my boyfriend.”

“No no, that’s not good enough. You don’t get to degrade me and reply with that.

She snatched her hand away. “I wasn’t degrading you! I just wanted you to work for it a little bit. Because you, you know, mindwiped a bunch of people, which is really friggen creepy!”

He thrust his face into hers, a bit panicked. “Say it.” 

“I want to be your girlfriend,” she sighed in a longsuffering but honest tone. 

And just like that, the fight left his posture. He took a step back and narrowed his eyes, jealousy dripping from his words. “Why is it so easy for you to say things like that?” 

“Mm… I’ve been hurt in different ways than you have. Emotional constipation isn’t one of my flaws. Now come here.” 

He stepped forward again, guard lowering, and she threw her arms around his shoulders. She pushed the bridge of her nose into his neck. “Are you happy?”

“In general? No,” he said, though his arms automatically went back to her waist. 

This was going to be a lot of work. She closed her eyes and gave him a little kiss on the neck. “Are you happy about this?”

“...Yes.” 

“Good. Then I don’t think we need to mention this to Nahida.” She nuzzled up to kiss his mouth, breaking away before he was ready and catching a glance at the gentleness he’d tried to kill. She put her hand to his face and brushed her thumb along his cheek. “Just don’t do anything like that again, okay?” 

He chuckled and mouthed at her lips. “I shouldn’t need to.”