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Stede can always tell when Ed gets like this.
It’s subtle at first— absentmindedly tapping the arm of the couch, mumbling sound effects in the direction of no particular action, letting his hair down —but soon Ed is restless. He’ll adjust and readjust his sitting position while nodding along to whatever song only he could hear. His hair ends up back in a claw clip at some point. His tapping turns to snapping, which he quickly abandons to touch each of his fingertips against their twin, one by one.
This isn’t necessarily anything new. Ed just wasn’t made for sitting still. Mundane tasks like doing the dishes were often done with a cheerful swing in his hips, he had a tendency to tap his foot when he was focused, nearby surfaces were prone to frequent “drum solos” with his index fingers.
But this?
This is different. This is nervous, irregular.
“What’s wrong, darling?” Stede asks, skipping over Are you okay? and Is everything alright? entirely. Nervous energy is difficult not to pick up on, but especially when your partner might as well exist as an extension to the rest of your mind. And especially when ‘nervous’ hardly scratches the surface of whatever energy is currently radiating off of Ed.
“M’alright.” Ed doesn’t so much as look up, nevertheless stop fidgeting. He’s normally not this bad of a liar, but something tells Stede that controlling his body language is the least of his concerns right now.
“Ed,” Stede closes the book he’s been reading, sets it on the coffee table and tucks his reading glasses back in his pocket, offering up his undivided attention. “Something is clearly the matter. And I’m not upset with you,” he adds, softening his tone, ensuring there isn’t an ounce of misconstruction between them “but I’d like to help if you’ll let me.”
Ed worries his lip between his teeth. His brows knit together as he stares down at his hands, his fingers still endlessly tapping against each other. “It’s like,” he halts all movement “it’s like my bones are vibrating.”
Stede nods, keeping his lips sealed. Ed has the floor. It’s his turn to speak, and Stede knew better than to intrude.
“And my skin is,” he pauses, screwing his eyes shut and drawing his shoulders upward, as though pushed by some tense force inside his chest “humming. And it’s too quiet, it’s a very loud kind of quiet.”
And somehow, Stede understands. Unconventional turns of phrase like these may sound confusing or even morbid to an outside ear, but they worked perfectly for the two of them. The first time Stede had said My mind feels like it’s covered wax, he had apologized for not making any sense, but Ed had just nodded. It’s a shared language. Nonsensical at times, yes, but the two always seem to understand what the other means.
“So the quiet…it feels a bit ‘too much’ right now?”
Ed nods, easing his eyes open again. His shoulders stay bolted upwards, nearly touching his ears, and his hands have taken to worrying the collar of his tee shirt.
“Would you like some alone time or-” Before Stede can offer an or , Ed is shaking his head. “Alright. Well, I’m not going anywhere.” When Ed doesn’t say anything, Stede tacks on, “How about we head back to our room. Would that be okay?”
“I think I might like that,” Ed’s words come out forced, tight and uneven and small. It takes everything in Stede not to reach over and pull his lover into his arms right then and there, easing away any discomfort he may carry with gentle touches and soothing words. He very nearly does, but he stops himself before he can so much as lift himself off his seat.
“May I take your hand, dear?” he asks, easing off the couch and onto his feet. He waits until Ed has nodded and held out his own hand to so much as move. Together they make their way to the bedroom, Stede’s thumb tracing small circles on the back of Ed’s hand all the while. Every light in the room, save for the salt lamp on the desk, is promptly turned off and the two climb into bed.
The weighted blanket is hardly big enough for the two of them, but they manage. Ed takes little spoon, at his request, and Stede is happy to oblige. The pair are practically locked together ( Pressure, Ed had said. Pressure helps. ) the only barrier between them being the clothes on their backs and the headphones Ed wore. (Noise canceling. A bit large, not the easiest to lay down with and cost a pretty penny, but worth every cent for the comfort they bring.) Were it not for Ed’s breathing, deep and very clearly controlled down to the second, Stede may have assumed he’d fallen asleep. His hands ghost along the other man’s arms, tracing over the tattoos he’d practically committed to memory. He only makes it halfway up the body of the winding serpent before Ed makes a small noise of discomfort. Immediately, his fingers halt. “Ed, would you like me to stop?” His voice is gentle, patient and laced with understanding.
“No, keep going. Please. I just,” he swallows, hard enough for Stede to feel. “I want more. You can touch me, just don’t… whisper on my skin, y’know?”
No whispering. Stede makes mental note of that, experimentally adding the faintest amount of pressure to his touch. As he continues his path down the snake on Ed’s arm, Stede can feel the tension in his shoulders gradually ease. His breathing slows to a much more steady pace, finally returning to its usual rhythm.
How long they laid there, neither of them are sure. After what could have been minutes or hours, Ed shifts, repositioning himself to face Stede. He keeps his gaze lowered, and at least a hand's worth of distance between the two of them. “Hey.” His voice is hardly more than a whisper, but it lacks any of the discomfort it previously held.
“Hey.” Stede can’t help the faint smile that forms. It’s a small step, turning to face him completely, but it’s progress. “How are you feeling, dove?”
Ed sighs, as though finally releasing whatever had plagued him over the last hour. “Better, a little bit.” He glances up at Stede, his lips drawn into a tight line that resembles a pout more than a smile. “Sorry, d’you mind..?” he bobbles his head from side to side, his eyes flicking up to his forehead. And somehow, Stede recognizes what this gesture is supposed to mean.
Headphones, it means. Can you take off my headphones?
And of course he can. So of course he will. He repositions just enough to pull them from over Ed’s ears, placing them off to the side with one hand, letting the other hover over Ed’s cheek. Nearly touching, just close enough to feel the hum of his skin beneath his palm.
“Please,” Ed breathes out before Stede can ask. His eyes– his wide, doe eyes, still glistening with the remnants of tears –fall shut again as Stede’s hand comes to rest on his cheek. A soft sigh escapes his lips when Stede presses a reverent kiss to his forehead. “C’mere, come closer,” he mumbles, pulling himself into his partner’s chest, melting into the strong arms that hold him there.
“Thank you, by the way,” Ed mumbles, his voice slightly muffled by Stede’s collarbone.
“For what?”
“For sticking around. Making me feel all nice, it’s…” he trails off. “You didn’t have to, y’know? So, thank you.” Ed is worrying the fabric of Stede’s shirt between his fingers when the blond plants yet another kiss to the top of his head.
“Oh, darling. Really, there’s no need to thank me.” He feels Ed huff against his chest.
“I mean, isn’t there? You’re being all sweet to me, all gentle and shit. It’s nice.”
“Edward, look at me.”
Ed pulls away just far enough to match Stede’s gaze, deep brown meeting pure hazel like it was the first time all over again. “I did it,” Stede starts, his voice matching the smile in his eyes, “because you deserve to be treated with care.” As if words weren’t enough, he emphasizes his point with a faint kiss pressed to the very tip of Ed’s nose.
“I did it because I love you, my dove.”
A kiss against his cheek.
“My treasure.”
His temple.
“My one and only sunshine.”
Whatever Ed planned on saying instead catches in his throat as Stede places kiss after reverent kiss against any surface within his reach, each gentle press of his lips leaving nothing but warmth in his wake. It soothes against his skin, seeping through the cracks left by today’s events and making a home somewhere deep within his chest. It bubbles out of him in light, airy giggles. It urges him closer, impossibly closer to the man pressed against him.
“Alright, alright. That’s enough of that-” he laughs, his voice lacking any heat. “C’mere, kiss me proper.” He pulls himself upward just enough to catch Stede’s lips, his eyes falling closed alongside the soft sigh that escape’s Stede. It’s gentle, innocent and fond and simple, and he opens himself up to the smile he feels against his own. And he’s pushing, gently so, but his hand rests against Stede’s chest and he’s pushing. Stede lets himself go, easing into the mattress beneath him, his hands never leaving Ed’s face all the while.
And it’s easy, the way they allow themselves to fall into place. It always is, as though the stardust that fueled their very essence had landed on earth side by side, as though nothing in this world would be righted until they found eachother again. Even as they break apart, noses brushing and foreheads resting against each other, they do it as one.
Ed’s eyes ease open, flitting over Stede’s serene expression. “Can we just… stay here? For a bit?” he sighs, reveling in the smile that lights up Stede’s face when their eyes meet.
“For as long as you’d like,” he murmurs. Ed lowers himself back onto Stede’s chest, melting into the feeling of Stede’s hand as it cards through his hair.
He isn’t sure when he falls asleep, but he falls to the steady rhythm of his lover’s heart as it beats only for him.