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Arthur Holmwood had asked Mina if she could go through Lucy's belongings at the Whitby home. When he had asked, he hadn't voiced the fact that he was already engaged to be married - less than a year after Lucy's death - and that it would be quite the faux pas for him to ask his new bride to go through the effects of the girl who had almost become his bride. Mina was glad that he had asked her to go through Lucy's things and see if there was anything that she wanted to keep in remembrance.
Later, Jonathan had told her that Arthur was told him that Mina was to keep anything she wanted, no matter the value, and if she wanted it all, she was welcome to it. Jonathan had acted as if it was a generous act of a benevolent Lord. A kindness of their friend. Yet, it had made her feel sick. When her discomfort had shown on her face, she had waved it off as a side effect of her delicate condition.
He had fallen silent for a few moments. And then he had told her that perhaps Lucy's things could be boxed by servants and Mina could go through them when more convenient. She had almost screamed in frustration. He was the same when she poured over the materials that their companions had given her so that she could compile their story.
Instead of screaming, she simply mentioned Dr. Van Helsing's name and Jonathan had hemmed and hawed in that way of his that stemmed from him spending far too much time with Arthur and John over cigars and brandy. And in the end, he had let her decide. Mina did not tell him that there were times that she would lay awake at night and wonder what would have happened had she stayed by Lucy's side instead of rushing off to his.
* * *
She finds the stack of crumpled papers shoved at the back of a dresser drawer. At first, she things nothing of them. The papers appear to be nothing more than the detritus of young woman - dressmakers' bills, calling cards, programs and the like. It's not until she drops one of the papers and she sees Lucy's handwriting covering the back of a receipt.
The familiar and slightly childish script nearly breaks her heart. And once more she regrets that she had left Lucy. Even knowing what the men have had to say about the monster that Lucy had become in the end. No doubt, Jonathan, Arthur and John would say that Mina's feelings are symptoms of her sorrow at not being able to save Lucy. She wonders what the good doctor would have to say.
* * *
I sometimes envy Mina. Doesn't that sound awful. Mother would chide me for it and Mina would laugh at me and call me silly. But she has freedom. Something I will never have. Oh how I can hear her lovely voice now. She would argue with me that she is not free. And that by the nature of our sex, neither of us truly can be free. Yet, Mina can decide who she marries. If she were to change her mind tomorrow, she could easily reject Mr. Harker. Not I. I've known that I must marry Arthur form the moment that Mother had introduced me to him. Oh she has graciously allowed me to have my fun and dance with Arthur's friends. She has even encouraged their pursuit of me as long as they understand that at the end of the day, I will be joined in marriage to Arthur. I have no say in the matter. Mother is not uncouth enough to tell me that our very future relies on my marriage to Arthur. As long as it amuses him for me to dance with his friends and to play games with them, Mother will allow it. The minute he express distaste for it. she will end it all. How do I tell Mina that even if I love Arthur, I must marry him for fear that Mother and I will have nothing if I do not.
* * *
The papers do not appear to be any sort of order. One is a note written to Mina that Lucy had never sent. It is cheerful but it feels false. Another discusses how Lucy wondered what would happen if she were to run off with Quincy. Right beneath it is a hastily scribbled note full of smudges that indicates that even though she has no choice, Lucy does truly love Arthur.
* * *
I feel .... I can't put into words that I feel. I wish Mina were here. She has always been better at words. There were times when I would write home to Mother and Papa and I would be tongue tied and Mina would come to the rescue and help me to write some pretty little lie for Mother's sake while conveying the truth to Papa.
I wish that I had not been so quick to send Mina off to Jonathan. I feel like I shall never see her again even if Dr. Van Helsinng tells me that I am getting stronger and that I shall recover. There are times when I look into his dear eyes and I can see the truth. He is far too kind to voice it in front of Arthur or Mother. Or even me.
But he and I know the truth. Otherwise why would he constantly ask me how I feel. I know that he is trying to prevent something but sometimes I grow impatient with him.
Why must he meddle? Why must he make me strong only to know in the night I will be made weak again?
Night is falling and I fear...
* * *
She tries to put them in some semblance of order but it also a guess. As she reads more, Mina knows that she can never allow for the others to see Lucy's words. She thinks that perhaps Dr. Van Helsing would understand. Especially after his kind words upon their return to London. But the others would not.
* * *
Darling Mina.
It is dreadfully dull without you here. If I could, I would switch places with you. Could you imagine me as a stern school mistress and you being squired about town on the arm of a handsome bachelor?
I had promised Mina that I would be healthy for when she returned but I fear that I shan't be. I am horribly thirsty and I feel cold. When I close my eyes, I see horrible red eyes and I feel as if at the end of a cliff about to take a fatal step into the churning waters below. Oh Mina, why did you leave me? Why didn't you find me sooner? I am so cold Mina, so cold and I fear that I shall never see you again.
But I am glad that you are far away. You are safe. For after I fall, what would become of you? Oh sweet Mina, stay away, do not come back to this cursed place. I beg of thee....
* * *
I fear what shall happen next.
Before this illness, I had not feared death. Now, it terrifies me. Shall I become a cold thing that ...
No! I mustn't think like that. I must take comfort in Dr. Van Helsing's words. I shall marry Arthur.
Arthur plans to have me moved to London. He feels that the dampness of the sea is to blame for my continued illness.
Dr, Seward says that I am too ill to be removed but Arthur tells him that it is not his decision to make. And that I am perfectly fine.
* * *
When she is finished reading them, she knows what she must do. It pains her because as she reads the words. she can hear Lucy's voice. She can almost feel her presence, as if Lucy has laid a hand on Mina's shoulder. Yet, she can't risk anyone else reading Lucy's words. To see the truth in some of them, much less to see Lucy's vulnerability as the Count visited her nightly, slowly draining the life out of her.
She gathers every single piece of paper that Lucy had written upon. It does not matter what it says, all that matters is that Lucy had written on i t. She binds them in a length of twine and she takes them to the library where the butler had built up a fire for Mina to dine in front of. Instead of supping, Mina takes the bundle of paper and throws in on the fire. She sits and gazes into the fire, and watches Lucy's words burn.
It's not the first time that she has done this. But it will be the last.
* * *
That night as she lays in Lucy's bedroom, Mina thinks that she can still smell the faint scent of violet that always seemed to linger when Lucy was near. She does not cry. That would be bad for the child. Mina knows that the crying will come much later. When she can no longer recall Lucy's true words and she will wonder she had written down and what she had said. And if what she believes is a pretty lie that she tells herself.
Underneath her pillow is one letter. One last letter that she couldn't quite bear to part with.
* * *
Mina,
I wish that things were different. So many things.
But most of all, I wish that I had been brave and agreed to your plan. Please forgive me for being afraid and foolish.
I seem to beg for your forgiveness all of the time. Yet grant me forgiveness this one last time.
Last night, I dreamt that you and I were living in some anonymous little town. We lived in a pretty little cottage. In a vase, there were white and purple lilacs. There was a kitten and puppy in front of the fire. But it all paled when I looked beside me and you were there. You took my hand and promised me forever.
If only I had been brave. Yet it is too late. I encouraged you to go Jonathan because I feared what would happen if you did not. Something has corrupted me. This illness is not natural. An emptiness is consuming me and I have such queer thoughts when Arthur or his friends are near.
I fear to put those thoughts on paper. Even though I know I shall never send you this letter. In the morning, I shall burn it with the others.
Even knowing this I am still afraid to put down on paper that which I was too afraid to say to you. I shall need to beg your forgiveness once more.
If I had listened to you all those nights ago, I do not think I would be so afraid.
My darling, you were right. I have only ever loved one person. And I was a foolish coward. But you know as much as I do that we would never have been allowed. We would have been found and we would have been kept apart. At least this way we had a little longer. Even if it was never enough. But surely, it was better than nothing at all.
I know that you will never read this but it seems cruel of me to tell you how I truly feel. Even if these words are just for me, to grant me some sort of peace.
* * *
She throws the last letter onto the fire and turns away as it burns. Lucy had never finished but she can still hear the ghost of the words being said. Words that she had foolishly blurted out one winter's night when they were sixteen and silly enough to still dream that they weren't prisoners in a world that was made by men. She whispers those forbidden words as the last letter Lucy had ever written her is destroyed. No one shall know the truth.