Chapter Text
1.
“I think we should break up,” he said, keeping an awkward distance between them that had never existed before.
Nagi couldn’t remember much of that day, what exactly led them to that particular afternoon, and those specific words coming out of Reo’s mouth. Reo had been the one to break up with him, the Mikage Reo. The same guy that talked to Nagi first, gave him his first kiss, their first time; the guy who called himself his best friend for the past four years. And just as Nagi didn’t remember the before of their breakup, he couldn’t quite recall his reaction to it either. It probably hadn’t been too dramatic, considering it didn’t result in an emotionally laden memory.
Currently, he was living in a world after their breakup, which felt horribly out of place to say. Because as far as Nagi knew, they hadn’t exactly been dating, to begin with.
Oh, and because he never imagined parting ways with Reo, obviously.
But breaking up didn’t mean they had to part ways, did it? That’s what Nagi couldn’t understand. If they had been friends first, why was Reo so insistent on treating him like a stranger now? It wouldn’t erase all the history they shared; four years of learning each other’s traits and peeling away their layers. One thousand four hundred sixty-one days of jokes, texts, and memories, a whole doctorate on another person.
Still, Reo was making an outstanding effort to stay at arm’s length. From the moment he told Nagi he didn’t want to date him anymore, he had been careful not to stay at the same places for too long. And although avoiding him at college had been easy, nothing was more obvious than the way he side-eyed Nagi whenever he was with Chigiri, and how he quickly came up with an excuse to leave with his chin held high as if he wasn’t running away.
Nagi missed his best friend.
If he had to choose between the time their friendship was free of romantic feelings or now, after having gone through a tumultuous relationship and a more than preventable breakup, he’d choose to have his best friend back in a blink. Even if it meant never having tasted his lips, or never holding him in his arms as he laughed against his mouth. Even if it meant erasing all the times Reo kissed his knuckles on the way home or sacrificing being at the receiving end of one of those stares Reo gave, when he made you feel like the world was so little and unimportant that you were all of it for him: all the answers of the universe.
Because life without him was… quiet. There was no other way to describe it. It was like a silent movie, Nagi went on with his life without talking or laughing, and people were once again faceless, fleeting strangers. He was another small human in a world filled with millions of those, and he mattered to nobody because he wasn’t special at all.
He had Chigiri, he supposed, and Isagi and Barou. But he didn’t go home to them; he went home to silence. Nothing but worthless TV static.
If he and Reo were still friends, surely they would be roommates, and the circumstances would be different. They moved in together in their freshman year of college and rented an apartment just for the two of them afterwards. Reo had made the first deposit two or so months ago, but now their graduation plan had vanished just like their entire relationship. He told Nagi not to worry about it, he’d move alone anyway.
Sometimes, Nagi tried to remember how they fucked it up. Isagi said things went south from the moment Nagi agreed to a relationship (which again, they never labeled) without having his heart in it. But Nagi disagreed. At that moment, it felt like the right thing to do; let Reo press their foreheads together, their noses.
They had shared a breath, or two, and then Reo had closed his eyes with a doubtful furrow between his brows, and Nagi had wanted nothing more than to take that uneasiness away.
On the other hand, Chigiri, who had fewer kind words and more insight, claimed problems arose on Monday 25th, when Reo first confessed his love, two and a half years ago.
He had been tipsy, with his cheeks flushed and Nagi’s jacket around his shoulders as they exited the club he had forced Nagi to accompany him to. The jacket was falling over one of his shoulders, the wind kept knocking purple strands on his face, and Reo had been holding onto Nagi’s arm with faltering steps, giggling at stupid comments Nagi didn’t really remember having made.
He had rested his cheek against Nagi’s shoulder, hooking their fingers together, and with crescent moons and a wide smile, he said: “I think I love you, Sei.”
Nagi only hummed in response. Unlike most of his friends believed, those words didn’t trigger his fight or flight reflex. He hadn’t been shocked, since Reo was important to him, too.
Alternatively, he took Reo to their apartment and pecked him on the mouth when the guy tried to cling to him further inside their elevator. Once in their small home, he put Reo to bed, went to wash his teeth, and slid under the covers next to the already sleeping figure. They slept tangled under the sheets together, and that was it.
The next morning, Nagi woke up to a soft smile and a kiss on the tip of his nose. Reo had to go do something for his parents, and when he said goodbye, he did so with another “I love you!”
Did Nagi ever reply? No. He was aware he didn’t. He never thought it would be such a deal breaker because Reo assured him it wasn’t when Nagi finally seemed to react to his confession one morning, squirming uncomfortably as Reo hugged him from behind while he made himself coffee.
“You don’t have to say it back, I know it’s still too early on,” Reo kissed his shoulder tenderly, “I just wanted you to know.”
(“Do you even love me, Seishiro?!” he yelled drunkenly some months ago when they came back from a stupid New Years' Eve party where Nagi had made the apparently terroristic act of not being by his side as the clock announced the start of 2023.
“Happy new fucking year, let’s see if you remember our anniversary this time around.” )
And all of that for what? They never even formalized their relationship.
And no, this wasn’t Nagi being purposely obtuse for the sake of morally disconnecting from the situation. He genuinely wondered when their anniversary was supposed to take place if none of them ever explicitly asked the other to be partners. At some point they just started kissing and, immediately after, Reo ran to tell all their friends they were dating, which shouldn’t surprise Seishiro because of course, Reo would pull a stunt like that.
Almost three years later he would push Seishiro away with glazed-over eyes, struggling to keep collected. He had been more silent than normal in the past few days, and a part of Nagi worried something was eating at him, so he had tried to comfort him; distract him. His lips were wet and bitten red, and Reo seemed like he wanted nothing more than to get off his lap. Then Reo looked away and said those words, the ones that had been jumping inside his head, hitting every part of his brain for the past week or so.
“I think we should break up,” he looked at Nagi again, for a second.
“Okay,” Nagi said, and Reo looked at the ceiling so he wouldn’t cry.
Nagi didn’t understand this reaction, either. If Reo had been the one seeking to break up with him, why was it that by the time he finished packing his things, he was full-on crying? Nagi couldn’t do more than follow him around the apartment, asking if he was sure because he sure as hell didn’t look like it.
But Reo’s voice had come out strangled yet somehow way more determined than before. “Yes, we’re done,” he kept saying, wiping away his tears as he closed his bag, “it’s over between us. Over.”
Nagi was still his best friend so he knew Reo was convincing the both of them right there. However, he was also Reo’s safe space, always had been, so he also thought they were merely in a fight. This was just a change of plans.
Yes, they wouldn’t have sex anymore, and Reo wouldn’t try to cook him breakfast and lunches he couldn’t really cook, and he would stop singing to Nagi and brushing his hair when Nagi had insomnia. Many things would change, but Nagi could adapt to the shift because they were Nagi and Reo, they were still best friends.
Except, yeah, Reo couldn’t even look him in the eye nowadays.
And Nagi was tired, alright? He’s given Reo enough space to mourn their relationship: a whole month. He was not stupid and knew it must have been shitty to love and never hear those words back, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say them, so he never did. It never felt right or natural in his mouth. Which didn’t take away from the fact that he cared for Reo - fuck. He really did and his life was back to senseless monotone without him.
Even so, Barou told him to leave Reo alone. “Don’t be a shitty self-centered asshole. Don’t be that ex.” But Nagi couldn’t fathom how it was shitty of him to contact Reo again and try to make their friendship work.
He was worth it as a friend too, he was better as a fucking best friend than a boyfriend, to be honest. What he and Reo had was worth more than youthful and immature mistakes. He wasn’t being selfish, he was doing this for them. Who else would Reo go to when he couldn’t stay at his parent’s? Who else would he rant to? Who else would he play ball with?
Not that Nagi couldn’t admit he missed him, he’s said that a lot in the past month. And with all that desire to meet up, the idea had morphed from an impulse into a well-thought-out plan.
Which didn’t mean it was a smart plan, of course. It just meant he had put his mind to it. He had thought it over, and it wasn’t a whim.
He was on his (not theirs, no longer their) apartment bed, finger hovering over the call button next to Reo’s name. There had been a time when most of his calls were with Reo and none went ignored, and Nagi refused to let that time die. He stared at the changing numbers on his clock, waiting for 11:11 to appear.
Isagi was stupidly superstitious, he talked excessively about angel numbers, and Nagi’s hands were sweating so much he felt like he needed that extra luck.
11:12. It’ll have to do.
He called.
Reo picked up at the fourth ring. If it were anybody else, he might have made the person wait. But Nagi knew him too well, would see right through his attempt to seem aloof and uninterested, and Reo had long ago stopped faking around him. He hadn’t even bothered putting his guard up when he answered, his heart beating almost as fast as Seishiro’s under all that piled-up stress.
“Hello?”
“Reo,” Nagi said. He could hear Reo holding his breath on the other line, or perhaps that was his own breathing stuttering. “How have you been?”
“All fine…” the other trailed off, uncomfortable.
“Good,” Nagi cleared his throat. “Did you know we’ve been officially broken up for a month now?”
“Oh”
He felt like an idiot saying it like his tongue was too heavy for his mouth and his heart too damn big for his ribcage. And still, he pushed forward, because Nagi has been nothing but direct his entire life, and he’s never let secondhand embarrassment or shame control him.
“I think it’s enough time for us to put everything behind us, you know? I want to talk to you again.”
“Nagi,” Reo was probably playing with his hair on the other side of the line, biting his lip until he could draw blood. “Are you serious right now?”
He didn’t sound upset, which had to count for something. Nagi held onto that, and onto the fact that he knew Reo better than anyone in the world, that he had the certainty they belonged with each other. “Yes. We were friends first, don’t you remember?”
“Of course, Sei,” he said softly, “you were my best friend.”
Exactly.
“Can’t we just go back to that? Isn’t that the grown up thing to do?” Nagi wondered, remembering the many times they’d talked about this before. Way before Reo said I love you and Nagi found himself unable to say it back. Way before breaking up was an actual, palpable option.
“Holding a grudge is just so bothersome… I don’t want to hate you, Reo.”
And I don’t want you to hate me either.
“You’re right, I don’t want to resent you either,” Reo sighed. “It’s so weird that you called first, but I’ve missed you, too. It just felt like it was too soon to try again so I didn’t talk to you about it. Our friendship, I mean.”
“We’ve never been like the rest,” Nagi shrugged, his pulse going back to normal. Reo had thought of sorting things out between them as well, phew. “We don’t need so much time apart just because everyone else does after a breakup. It’s not like I ever stopped caring about you.”
There was silence on the line, but it ended before it could make Nagi’s skin itch. “You do?”
“Of course”
“I’m glad we talked things out then,” Nagi’s smile matched Reo’s thousand miles away. Reo chuckled a weak and slightly forced thing. “It feels weird to try to avoid you when I just want us to talk again.”
“It’s weird that you avoid me.”
“I won’t anymore,” he assured. “So, friends again? Sorry about everything.”
(( “Do you even love me, Seishiro?! Can’t you just show it for once?!”))
“I’m sorry, too. For everything,” Nagi coughed. That damn pressure on his chest again, the fucking guilt.
Let’s put it in the past already. Everything would be fine, everything-
“Sei, can I say one last thing? I just have to spit it out or I’ll overthink it later.”
“Tell me”
“You know we won’t get back together, right? If we- if,” he stopped.
He swallowed. “Look, I’m willing to be your friend again because above anything else, you’re my confidant, my best friend. But if we promise to leave it all behind we have to mean it, you can’t have feelings for me, okay? Because nothing can happen again.”
Nagi had to hold back from replying with a question, asking Reo if he didn’t have any romantic feelings left. It might come across as mean if he asked, as if he were trying to stir the pot or play with his feelings. Reo, after all, had been the most hurt after their breakup. Nagi didn’t mind, as long as he still had him, as long as they were something. Friends.
Friendship had been enough before, friendship would always be enough with Reo. It had to be.
“Seishiro,” Reo said, “you don’t love me, do you?”
What type of question was that?
“Sei?”
“No,” he finally replied, scratching his neck. “No, Reo. I don’t.”
He couldn’t have known it was the wrong answer. Or well, the right answer given that they wanted their dynamic to “stay” platonic. Reo made a sound as if he agreed, and if he were in front of Nagi, he might have given him a fake smile to tie the deal.
“Okay, cool. See you in class, Sei. Bye.”
2.
Nagi swore to Chigiri it wasn’t in his plans to end up in bed with Reo, even if that was the predictable outcome they reached. Fortunately, sleeping together didn’t break any unspoken rules, nor did it disqualify their friendship. There was a reason why it was called friends with benefits instead of people who love each other and have sex. It was not the same thing.
Since they were friends again, they started hanging out occasionally after class. Just like in the old days, they would go and play football at the closest park to their- Nagi’s apartment, but this time around Reo would rather leave sweaty than shower at Nagi’s. Other times, they’d talk during their breaks, or Reo would help Nagi study for his exams.
It was during one of their study sessions, which they had to have at Reo’s instead of the library because the place was likely packed before finals, that Nagi found Reo staring at him. His ex was looking at him with that suggestive fire in his eyes that was once a promise of a good time, and that used to be followed by a smirk, a lip bite, and jumping Seishiro any second afterward. Nagi could read the sign loud and clear; Reo was horny, still got horny for him , even if he preferred to look away and not act on it now.
Nagi respected both his desire and his self-restraint because even if they had been back on the friendship train for three months now, it made sense for Reo to miss what was once his, and it also made sense for him to hold back. He had made it evident from the start that he didn’t want romantic feelings involved, which was why Nagi swore to him that he didn’t love him.
And he swore it again later when they were out celebrating the end of the semester with their friend group, and he couldn’t help but take Reo by the waist and pull him in for a kiss. Alcohol had made whatever was left of his inhibitions die, and Nagi could admit he, too, had a thing for his ex. A physical thing, he assured.
Since he always found it hard to open up and trust, Nagi guessed part of Reo’s appeal had to do with how deeply they knew each other already. He knew what made Reo arch his back and curl his toes, and Reo, being the seductive fucker he was, knew how to make Nagi cream his pants like a teenager.
So he calmed Reo down with a few “Easy, it doesn’t have to mean anything,” and other words, like “I don’t love you. I don’t, Reo, it’s not love. I promise, let me just-”
He couldn’t remember much of the rest though, but Reo allowed him to keep rediscovering the once familiar inches of his skin. At some point, he pushed Nagi down and when Nagi looked up from between his legs, he found Reo trembling, head thrown back as moans filled the room and tears fell from his eyes.
They fucked that night, and the next day when they woke up sober and hammered in the same bed. They fucked again weeks later, without ever talking about it because there was nothing to talk about. They kept fucking every now and then, and Reo began smoking more often as if on cue. He always had a cig in his hand if he stayed at Seishiro’s. When they hooked up at his house, instead, or at a party, he disappeared right after the deed was done. Nagi’s underwear could still be pulled down to his knees, and there would be no sign of Reo left in the room.
He was actually smoking right now. Nagi bought him an ashtray and put it on the nightstand, by the side of what used to be his side of the bed.
“I thought you hated the smell,” he thought out loud after he died for the third time in his video game and found himself bored of looking at his phone screen.
“I do,” Reo admitted, sparing him a look before grinning slightly. “I still hate it, but I picked it up after we broke up, and it was as addicting as I feared.”
Nagi didn’t like it, how the smoke clung to his clothes, to his sheets. How it permeated the air and covered Reo, making it impossible to smell him, his natural scent, or his deodorant or shampoo. But he didn’t say anything, not as a friend nor as a boyfrien-
“And you don’t fear rotting your teeth?”
“Rude,” Reo chuckled, “will you abandon me if my teeth turn yellow?”
“I already liked you with your crooked teeth,” Nagi answered, half teasing, half honest. “I couldn’t care less.”
But it felt out of character, like a cry for help. Reo has always been a perfectionist, even stricter with himself, mostly when it came to his health and appearance. In the past, he couldn’t stand talking to a smoker. He found it gross, and would always launch a rant about killing yourself and ruining your lungs over nothing. It wasn’t like him to develop such a habit.
Nevertheless, people did weird shit in college, and Nagi was aware. His weird habit was fucking his best friend, for example. So who was he to judge?
“Does it bother you?” Reo asked eventually, blowing the air into the middle of the room and tucking his knees towards his chest.
“The smell?”
“That I smoke now.”
“It’s your life,” Nagi told him easily. He’s never been too opinionated, but this was a lie, he just didn’t mind lying to Reo anymore. “I’m not your dad or anything.”
Reo nodded, slowly again. Tobacco relaxed him almost as much as weed could relax your average young adult. Nagi wasn’t a fan of that either, a half-gone Reo without the wittiness that characterized him. “Uhm, you’re right. I was just wondering. The guy I’m seeing doesn’t really like it.”
For a second, Nagi thought he might have misheard him. He put down the phone to look back at Reo, who sat next to him, only covered by the sheets they had already dirtied. Reo turned to him lazily, before putting the cig out on the ashtray and leaving it there.
“I guess he has a point. If I could stop, I would,” he added.
Nagi blinked a few times. He has a point, who is he?
“You’re dating somebody?” Nagi couldn’t help but ask. He hadn’t expected it, he had never prepared for the possibility, to be honest. This might be unfair to Reo, but Nagi wasn’t rushing into another relationship so why would his ex do so?
“It’s not dating. I wouldn’t sleep with you if I were dating him, we’re just seeing each other. Going out and stuff.”
He seemed cold, and Nagi grew distrustful. When Reo was in love with him, even in the early stages of their relationship, he had never used such a plain tone of voice. There was always a hint of laughter in his words, uncontained happiness. He was supposed to be thrilled about whoever he was seeing, he wasn’t meant to talk about love the way Nagi talked about it. Not Reo, not he who was one of the few people that could actually feel it.
Being the tactful guy that he was, Nagi raised a brow. “You don’t sound too excited.”
“And? Do I have to be head over heels when we just met?”
“Yes,” Nagi replied, “he sounds like he’s boring when he should be sweeping you off your feet or something.”
“How romantic,” Reo laughed, unable to remain indifferent. “What a hopeful description of love, Seishiro. I’m impressed you expect so much of men our age.”
“Shouldn’t you expect that much as well?”
Reo simply shook his head no, silent for a moment. “I’ve learned not to,” he finally said. Then he pulled down the sheets so he could go to Seishiro, and kiss him as if nothing had happened.
He made himself comfortable in Nagi’s lap, the heat of his body a welcomed change in contrast to the icy distance that grew between them in the afterglow. Usually, their nakedness would bother Nagi, because when he wasn’t in a sexual mood having another unclothed body pressed against his own felt sticky and weird and he just heavily disliked it. But Reo was warm on top of him, and he left provocative sighs and open-mouthed kisses on Nagi’s neck that railed him up quite quickly.
He grew hard embarrassingly fast, and rubbed himself raw between Reo’s cheeks, grabbing him by the hips so he could rut against him at the rhythm he wanted. Reo made a sound akin to a mewl when Nagi brushed against his hole, still wet and open after their previous activities. A part of them both craved another round without stupid latex in between.
But that would be too personal. Reo was seeing somebody, and the idea only made Nagi grip him harder. A part of him wanted to fuck Reo now, mark him from the inside and fill him up a second, then a third time. Make a dirty creampie in his tight ass so no one would dare lay a hand on him. Paint him with those hickeys he used to beg Nagi to give him, and finally make Reo so his, he would stop seeking love somewhere else.
Seishiro almost stopped moving at that sudden and intrusive thought.
He refused to call it jealousy. If possessiveness wasn’t a word in his vocabulary, it wouldn’t become an obstacle in their friendship either. He hadn’t considered Reo getting a partner before so he wasn’t mentally ready to face that reality yet, but it didn’t have to mean anything, did it? He had no idea it would make him feel so… frustrated.
Nagi figured it had to do with how used he was to being the only man in Reo’s life. He told himself he didn’t care, really, he didn’t give a fuck as long as he still had his best friend. The sex was a bonus, for now. It hadn’t been part of his initial plan when they fixed things, and he knew how to live without it. Reo falling in love and kissing someone else didn’t mean he would discard Nagi.
But God, Reo kissing someone else, having sex with someone else, what the fuck-?
“Uhm, Seishiro…” Reo panted, holding onto Nagi’s shoulders. His face had gotten that pretty pink hue that let Nagi know he was doing the right thing, and he kept leaving lazy kisses on Nagi’s face like the needy little thing he was. “Fuck me now, please. I want it.”
In response, Nagi should’ve taken advantage of Reo’s pleas to just ignore his voice of reason and get where he belonged. Instead, he squeezed Reo’s hips, moving him upwards for a moment so he could grab a condom.
Just as he tried reaching for his nightstand, Reo took him by the chin, forcing him to face those dilated pupils once again. “You don’t wanna go without?” He asked, serious. “It could be your last chance.”
“What?” Nagi replied although he had an idea of what Reo was referring to. This new guy he was seeing could truly end up taking Reo away from him, at least in this aspect, and Reo just had to remind him of it, didn’t he?
“I’m just saying… I’ve met someone, so I don’t know. Perhaps we should stop.”
However, he still grinded down as if clarifying after this, we should stop after this.
As he moved against Nagi, he kept his lips open, letting every single sound and hitch of his breath out for Nagi to enjoy, giving him a show because it could be the last time. It really could. And Nagi moved quickly, straightening up so he could suck on that throat, mark it all pretty for the new boyfriend to see.
(Who did he think he was? Taking Reo from him when Reo was Seishiro’s first friend? His first love?)
Reo moaned as teeth brushed the column of his neck, and he finally furrowed his brows in that sweet way he did when he was taking it because Nagi didn’t wait for another second to thrust into him. With a heavy blush, Reo moaned for a second time as Nagi guided his hips up and down, forcing him to ride his length. On shaky legs, the young Mikage began moving, squeezing Nagi’s shoulders while Nagi kept nibbling at his jaw.
He felt so good, Nagi didn’t think twice before telling him, his voice strained as Reo’s pace turned faster. Fuck, he couldn’t think. He would blurt out something stupid any second from now.
“Reo,” he groaned. The name came out as a pledge from his lips, a vow to… to what?
Reo’s hand tangled on the base of his hair before pulling him in for a messy kiss, and Seishiro shoved his tongue inside right away. Messy, real messy, with Reo so wet and breathy, and all the mixed feelings he caused filling Seishiro’s chest like they could explode any minute from now.
“Reo,” he whispered again, “you’re mine, my slut,... such a good whore.”
At his words, Reo could only whine, thighs tensing and trembling, dick throbbing inside his fist as he touched himself. He had taught Seishiro all those words, the insults, the praise. Nagi had been trained for this and he was supposed to forget all the ways in which he could do and undo the man on top of him. The man that no longer belonged to him.
Yet he couldn’t, he couldn’t lose his upper hand and he had to remind Reo that he knew him. He knew how to connect all his moles with a finger, he knew the tone his skin got when sunburned, the way he liked his coffee in the morning, and how he laughed in another vibration when he was really, really giddy. He knew the sexual parts, and the things that were more than sexual, he knew Reo because they were… they were never supposed to part.
“Sei, I mean it-” Reo panted again, voice breaking when Seishiro took over and began meeting his thrusts, hurrying to cross one last line before they both crumbled.
“-Just fuck me like it’s the last time, like that, yeah-”
((“There, love, it feels so good! I love you, Sei, love you, love you!”))
He came and hugged Reo as he did so, hearing him whimper and finally come weakly between their abs. While hiding his face in the juncture between Reo’s neck and shoulder, Nagi found the scent of his sweat without a trace of smoke, the real Reo under all the coats of something else. The Reo only he was allowed to see.
Nagi whispered on his skin, still high on their lovemaking and dizzy by the news of another man. “You’ll get bored,” he said, keeping his eyes closed. “And I’ll fuck you again when you’re done with him. I’ll fuck you when you’re bored of him, even if you’re taken.”
“No, Seishiro,” Reo rubbed his nape between two fingers, trembling in his hold as he came down from his orgasm, otherwise unfazed. “Not this time. We’re just friends and if I get a boyfriend, I’ll…”
There was a kiss on his shoulder, pleading for him to stop talking.
Nagi could remember what he had just said, you’re mine. How stupid. He didn’t want to know of the other person, he hadn’t considered that variable, that option. He hadn’t considered if he would ever be okay with it. Now more than ever, he wanted to say I love you, half sure it would fix everything.
If he was Reo’s, if they got back together… they didn’t have such an awful time when they were dating, did they?
“Seishiro?” Reo called for him kindly, scratching his head. “I need to get off you, love. It’s too much.”
Love, love, why couldn’t Nagi love him? What was so fucking wrong with him? How could he ever let Reo go?
“I think we should break up”
“Okay”
Okay? Fuck, what was he doing? What had he done?
“Sei, hey, world back to Seishiro…” Reo’s worry snapped Nagi out of it. He didn’t want to make matters worse, and Reo was right, he was still inside of him, and it hurt them both. When he loosened up his hold, Reo got off him to sit by his side.
“What was that?” He asked, eyes shining with the same concern Nagi had heard before.
For some reason, it felt unbearable to deal with. So he merely shook his head, asking Reo to drop it. And Reo, seeing he wasn’t more than his ex, didn’t think he had the right to push so he let it go. He let it go like he let go of everything he actually cared about lately. Reo’s lips were turned down into a sad smile, and he left a kiss on Nagi’s cheek before excusing himself for a shower.
When it was time for Nagi to shower and clear his head, Reo lit up another cig.
3.
Reo’s attempt at a relationship lasted for two weeks or so, not that Nagi was counting.
Just as Reo warned him, they stopped sleeping together after that day he broke the news he was seeing other people. When he left the apartment the following morning before breakfast, he told Nagi to take care and proceeded to ignore his texts for too many days to be purely an accident. But he eventually replied, telling Nagi he was bored at a party he attended with his date. They chatted for a bit, and if things got heated, it was completely unprompted; a natural turn of events.
Nagi wouldn’t admit it but being put first gave him a rush of power each time. He was aware of how wrong it sounded so he tried not to tell any of his friends his relationship with Reo had taken a sexual turn, but it didn’t take away from how important he felt when Reo was focusing on him instead of whoever he was supposed to like now. He enjoyed how Reo made him feel, and he didn’t think that was a crime or something he needed to feel guilty about. Others just didn’t get it.
Before Reo came into his life, Nagi was a nobody. A ghost going through everyday life, everyday routines. A ghost tired of walking around and haunting. A ghost tired of being there, opening his eyes and having to restart again twenty-four hours later. And he couldn’t complain much, because he didn’t know any better.
Then Reo came, and well, he changed everything. Perhaps Nagi started depending on him, and that explained his fear of being left behind, which he had never had to face until Reo started dating again. But how could he not be at least a bit unnerved by other men when, before Reo, no one had ever noticed him?
They were simply better together; happier. Even if it was just friendship, it was satisfying to have Reo back within his reach. It was better than nothing.
“You don’t know anything about him breaking things off with that guy he was seeing, do you?” Chigiri asked him on a random morning, sounding slightly accusing. “Because you two are friends now, ain’t you?”
Nagi had just shrugged. “I have no idea,” he said, as if Reo hadn’t been spending the night at their apartment since he and the stranger broke it off.
“It’s not healthy,” Isagi pointed out because, in contrast to Chigiri, Nagi hadn’t kept his mouth shut around him. “You guys are roommates now? He’s your ex-boyfriend.”
“He’s my best friend,” Nagi corrected, like that solved anything.
“You’re signing your own death sentence, ‘cause this symbiotic relationship isn’t sustainable. What is he going to do when you bring someone home? What are you going to do when he gets a partner?”
“I don’t need anyone else,” he argued. But he didn’t say anything on the topic of Reo’s needs, not wanting to delve into that possibility.
Whether people like it or not, Reo was loyal to him, that’s all Nagi was sure of. Reo came back to him twice now, even while he had another man he could use for the exact same purposes he searched Nagi for. In the end, he needed Nagi, too, he wanted him just as much in his life, and he must like how Nagi made him feel. At least, Nagi hoped he made him happy. Happy in all the ways he could as a friend, and all the ways he failed when he was his so-called boyfriend.
Reo was already home when Nagi arrived from university. The young Mikage insisted he was only staying over because the apartment was closer to campus than his parent’s house, and Nagi had no reason to argue with him, so he pretended he believed everything Reo said that first day he moved back in.
They went back to their old routine as if they had never parted, and the house stopped stinking of cigarettes very quickly, so it seemed like Reo was progressively overcoming his nicotine addiction. He was currently reading on his tablet in the kitchen, as he waited for his afternoon coffee to be done. When Nagi threw his backpack on the floor, Reo didn’t look up to acknowledge his presence, but let out a small welcoming hum nonetheless.
“Where were you?” He asked casually, changing a page in his iPad and pretending he was still reading it.
Nagi had stayed longer at the library, which was a surprise because he tended to live by the principle of minimal effort. He dismissed the question, seeing as the answer was unimportant, and got himself a glass of water, not caring one bit about how he had to almost cage Reo against the kitchen cabinet to get to the set of glasses behind him.
“Hey,” Reo’s nose wrinkled slightly, while he was pressed against Nagi’s chest. “I asked you a question.”
He looked so cute when he got annoyed that Nagi followed the impulse to kiss the crown of his head. “It has a boring answer,” he replied, pulling back with the glass in hand.
“You’re still so secretive,” Reo muttered, in what should’ve been a whisper of a complaint. He tried to go back to his reading, but something seemed to be bothering him, and this far in their relationship, Nagi had learned that Reo’s thinking wasn’t a good sign but a big, red, warning flag for a mess to come.
“I talked to Chigiri the other day,” Nagi switched topics, unaware that he wasn’t the only one who had been getting unsolicited advice from his friends in the past few days. Unaware of how close he was to hitting Reo where it hurt. “He asked me about your ex.”
“You’re my ex,” Reo quickly amended, probably without thinking first.
“I mean the other one, the guy you were seeing just now. He asked if I had anything to do with it.”
“Why is he so nosy?” Reo grunted, putting the tablet down and ignoring the freshly made coffee by his side. “What we do is our business, not his.”
What we do is our business… Why was he counting Nagi in? Nagi might have not been the most excited at the prospect of another guy entering the equation, but just as he had told Reo, he wasn’t his fucking father to rule his life. Even if he was still having a hard time accepting the news, it didn’t mean he wanted to be the toxic ex who wouldn’t allow him to move on.
Was that what Reo thought? That he would hurt Nagi if he got someone new? That Nagi would dislike him if he did? That their friendship would fall apart? That it was so frail that a third person would disrupt everything they’ve worked so hard to rebuild?
“Did you dump him because of me?” He finally asked, unable to keep wondering without a response.
For a moment, it seemed like neither of them moved. Nagi hated the idea of Reo thinking he owed him something, of Reo denying himself pleasure and love because of what he believed Nagi wanted. However, and he wasn’t going to think of this much, he couldn’t help but expect Reo to say yes. And he couldn’t breathe until he had an answer.
(“Of course, I rejected her, silly. You’re my partner, duh. I don’t need anybody else.”)
((“Doesn’t he know you have a boyfriend? It’s always like this when I’m with you, Sei, you make me feel invisible. You always put whoever catches your attention first, and I just have to be okay with being second-best. All the time.”))
“Kind of?” Reo’s voice cracked, telling of his embarrassment. “You wanted me to break it off, and he wasn’t what I was looking for, so.” He tried to downplay it.
But he had been so severe when he first told Nagi about dating someone new, and then he tried to avoid him, so it all had to have a reason. Reo’s interest in that other guy couldn’t have been as superficial as he was making it seem; his interest couldn’t have disappeared so fast.
“I never asked you to leave him,” Nagi said.
“You didn’t have to, you made lots of comments and he wasn’t worth making things awkward between us, anyway,” Reo turned around, taking the coffee cup to his lips, giving an end to their conversation.
(“You’ll get bored of him. I’ll fuck you when you’re bored, even if you’re still taken.”)
It was dirty talk! Nagi’s mind had been somewhere else, his brain-to-mouth filter lifted at that moment, so how could Reo take his words so seriously? Nagi wasn’t an egotistical dick asking him to dump his boy toy, and Reo still spent two weeks entertaining him which was why he couldn’t just blame Nagi for ending things. He couldn’t.
Nagi refused to take responsibility for being Reo’s favorite. Reo didn’t choose him because he asked, Reo chose him because he liked Seishiro more. It wasn’t the same thing.
“It took you too long,” coming back to me. “But I wouldn’t have been angry if you chose to date him.”
A boyfriend didn’t mean they’d stop being best friends. A boyfriend didn’t mean Reo would stop making time for him or putting him first. A boyfriend didn’t have to mean anything at all, he was an extra in this story.
A boyfriend was just filling a spot Nagi couldn’t fill correctly.
“What?”
“You’re free to do whatever you want,” he insisted, sipping from his water calmly. “We’re friends who fuck, it’s not like you’d betray me or something. It’s your life.”
Reo stared at him, with so much emotion in his eyes Seishiro couldn’t single one out even as Reo’s brows creased. “You wouldn’t care if I started dating again? You wouldn’t care if I told you I’m seeing someone right now?”
“Yes”
“If I told you I’m not seeing one dude but three, that I’m literally sleeping with half the business faculty. You just wouldn’t give a shit, Seishiro? You’re telling me you don’t give a shit?”
“I mean, I would want to start using a condom again-” he began. Because ouch, since when was Reo so promiscuous, and why didn’t he tell him before?
At that answer, Reo shook his head, as if he couldn’t believe him. That had obviously been a hyperbole. “I get it now, loud and clear,” he said, hitting the cabinet with how hard he put his cup down on it.
He was angry if the twist of his mouth was anything to go by, and his anger was disconcerting. So when he tried to walk away, Nagi stepped in front of him to demand some explanations.
“Reo, what’s wrong?”
“You’re so fucking confusing,” he spat, pushing Nagi away.
Which didn’t make any sense, because Reo slept with him, played with him, cracked jokes when they were walking from college back to their home… and all this time he has never implied he wasn’t satisfied with how they handled things. If anything, he’s reminded Nagi he didn’t want to be his boyfriend again, so why was he demanding from him the same things he demanded when they were dating?
“You were the one who said you didn’t want to get back together,” Nagi frowned, “you said it like ten times when we started talking again. You chose that. Now you’re angry I’m not making a scene?”
“Sure,” Reo grimaced, blinking back… tears? “You’re such an idiot sometimes, Seishiro.”
Don’t cry Reo, c’mon. Not over me, not for me again.
“You knew that when you agreed to be friends,” Nagi said clumsily, not knowing what else to say.
Reo’s gaze hardened at that, and not a single tear spilled. “Right, best friends. Just forget it.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No, Seishiro. I’m angry at myself,” Reo finished, leaving the room altogether. Nagi didn’t think twice before following him, unsure of what this fight was about. Unsure of who to blame.
When he entered their room, Reo was already pulling the few clothes he had inside their drawers and shoving them aggressively into his backpack. His intentions of leaving were obvious, and the sight of him walking through the door to god-knows-where brought a weight on Nagi’s chest, squeezing his heart with anxiety.
He schooled his expression into something detached, anything but panic. Why panic? Reo needed some time alone, which didn’t mean he’d be gone forever. He’s come back before. He would come back with a cooler head, right?
“Where are you going?”
“I think I’ve extended my visit,” Reo replied, refusing to say any further. “Goodbye, Seishiro.”
Like a lost puppy, Nagi’s footsteps followed Reo’s once again, even if he did so quietly, contemplating in silence as his best friend picked up the rest of his things. What a deja vu, hadn’t he done the exact same when Reo left the very first time? Reo threw his keys on a furniture piece by the entrance and was going to walk out that door if it weren’t for Nagi’s shadow behind him. He stopped, scowling like he would cuss Nagi out, although he didn’t in the end. Instead, he saw right into Nagi’s gray eyes and sighed.
“What now?” He asked, standing under the threshold, a foot outside the apartment, one still in.
Don’t go, Seishiro thought. Even if he came back, how long until he swallowed his pride and did so? I need you, Reo. Nagi couldn’t wait again.
I like how you make me feel.
I like spending time with you.
I like how you feel around me, too. How you weigh in my arms.
You’re right, I can’t stand seeing you with someone else.
You’re mine.
It scares me. What you do to me.
I care for you so much I can’t put it into words.
Reo, I love y-
“Seishiro?” He asked, biting the inside of his cheek. He was shaking his leg, the one that was outside as if he wanted to step back in.
And Nagi couldn’t say it once again because it would’ve been too rushed, and he hadn’t made his peace with it yet.
“Call me,” he settled with. “We can fix this later, you know that. I’ve always been with you, since the beginning.”
Reo nodded, disappointment sinking into his expression.
“Reo, really, even if it takes you a month to think it over!” Nagi rushed to add once Reo was down the hall. Reo stopped but didn’t look back, and Nagi found it easier to talk to his back than say all the bullshit he couldn’t stop thinking about to his face.
“You’re my best friend, and I’ll pick up. Whenever you feel ready to call. I promise I won’t be upset.”
(I don’t want you to hate me, either.)
Nagi didn’t think this qualified as crawling after someone or begging them to stay. He didn’t think he would ever go after Reo like that because he wasn’t desperate, he was mature. Mature enough to wait.
He didn’t talk to Reo again for another month, and heartbroken, he waited some more.
4.
Reo finally called on one Saturday night. It caught Nagi so off guard, he fumbled around for his phone and almost pushed it to the floor as he tried to answer.
Nagi had been busying himself more with football lately, he was filling his schedule with practice, classes, studying, and time for his friends. Usually, he wouldn’t make that last space for Isagi and the others, but he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts if he could avoid it. He was tired of brooding. Therefore, seeing a familiar number shine on his screen had been like a punch in the gut after so many efforts to block Reo out of his mind.
It was late at night, to the point it shouldn’t count as a Saturday anymore since officially it was one am on a Sunday. Although Nagi had been half asleep and couldn’t come up with a logical explanation for Reo to contact him at this hour, he still picked up without thinking, as he promised he’d do.
“Seishiro?” Came the voice on the other side, soft like silk. “You answered…” Reo said faintly like he hadn’t expected it.
“Hey, Reo,” Nagi replied, that pressure on his chest that had grown constant in the past few weeks finally melting away, letting him breathe again. Finally. After such a long time and giving him such a scare. “Told you I’d always pick up. What’s up?”
There was a husky quality to his voice, a product of the sleepiness, and Reo trembled on the line either because of it or because of the dark, cold night that embraced him.
“Chigiri told me he told you about Tabito.”
Right, Tabito. These past weeks, while Nagi drowned himself in plans, Reo went out with someone else. Tabito wasn’t the previous guy Reo was just seeing, instead, they had jumped from casual dating into a real relationship so fast it could’ve broken records. Chigiri crudely told him Reo had a boyfriend now, some Tabito Karasu, a baseball player, or something along those lines.
An athlete of their age who was considered the captain of their university’s college team; handsome, rich, and charming. By all the attributes Nagi heard, he appeared to be a catch, anybody’s dream guy.
Anybody but Reo’s. He had no doubt of that. “Yeah, I don’t mind,” he said, frankly. Who cared about a boyfriend when Reo was finally talking to him again? “Is he good to you?”
“Didn’t Chigiri say?” Was Reo’s smart reply.
“Yeah.” He went off about how great this Tabito guy was, how wonderful and fitting he was for Reo, and how perfect their relationship could be. He was probably trying to trigger a certain feeling in Nagi, which could’ve been either jealousy or guilt.
Jealousy, so he could act on it, or guilt, so he could leave Reo alone. Chigiri probably hoped for the second, since he never brought Reo up in Nagi’s presence unless it was to tell him what not to do about his best friend.
“Is that why we don’t talk anymore?”
“No, I needed some space, that’s all. I was confused when we fought. I thought… Never mind. I’m cool now, Tabito is fun.”
“Good,” Nagi replied, biting his tongue from impulsive questions. - But not like us, being with Tabito isn’t like being together. Is it, Reo?
Reo didn’t say anything for a long time. He must’ve been outside because the wind was background noise on the phone and Nagi had remained inside his room. The ashtray stayed empty by Reo’s side of the bed.
Eventually, he spoke. “Sei?”
“Yeah?”
“After I left your apartment, why didn’t you call me again?”
Nagi was used to his animosity, his rage, and indignation. He wasn’t sure what the quiet tone of his voice meant this time, as it sounded more hopeful than anything else. Or doubtful, like waiting for a specific answer.
Needing a very specific answer.
“I was giving you the time you needed,” Nagi admitted. As he refreshed his memory of that awful fight and its repercussions, he stomped on another fact he hadn’t wanted to admit: he hadn’t wanted to throw his pride to the ground. He hadn’t wanted to look like he was begging, he hadn’t wanted to open up, be vulnerable like an idiot in love…
“I-” he stuttered, for the first time in forever. “I didn’t want to push.”
“I wish we never dated, Seishiro,” was all he got back, as Reo talked defeatedly. “I wish I had met Tabito first. I wish we stayed friends, the entire time.”
Nagi agreed, technically. That was what he’s been saying since they broke up - All this heartbreak over nothing. So why then, why was it that Reo’s regret felt so wrong and hurtful to hear?
What if Nagi had realized he actually wanted both things, to be his friend and his lover? What if he no longer believed those three years together were a mistake? What if he now treasured those times together?
Was it too late to say sorry?
“You’re still my best friend,” Nagi managed to reply.
“You need to start searching for a better one, then,” Reo chuckled weakly, saddened. “One that won’t ghost you, okay? We crossed so many lines already, being friends only hurts us both, you know?”
He didn’t know. He couldn’t know because all this time when they attempted to be friends, even with sex involved, he’s had Reo by his side. And laughing alongside him, sharing lunch, listening to music, or reading, it was all more bearable with him than without. What hurt Seishiro the most wasn’t friendship, he’s said it before, friendship was a million times better than losing Reo forever.
Because he depended on his validation? No, God, no. Because he liked him, was that so hard to understand? And he could settle for anything as long as they remained in each other’s lives, he could-
Oh no, he never stopped liking him. Nagi should’ve known, He should’ve known when the idea of a stranger touching Reo almost made him bang his head against a wall. He couldn’t settle for less, either. He was hooked. Badly.
“Nagi?”
He stopped organizing his thoughts because reflecting on them required time, energy, and he had none of that. He only had fucking honesty. “I don’t feel bad when I’m with you, Reo. I feel anything but. You make me… fulfilled.”
“I’m sorry, Seishiro,” Reo said, which translated to I’m sorry I don’t feel the same way about us.
Figures. “Did I hurt you so badly?”
“It’s complicated, even for me. I’m at Tabito’s right now, you know? He’s sleeping, and I’m on his balcony. And I just had this urge to call you because remember that house I rented for us? For after we graduated?”
“Yes”
“It was going to have a balcony, too. And a big TV in the bedroom so that we could play comfortably with your PlayStation late at night without having to move to the couch. Do you get what I’m trying to say, Seishiro?”
Nagi was unsure of where the conversation was headed, and Reo inhaled deeply at the deafening silence that followed. “I’m at my boyfriend’s right now, and everything reminds me of you. Isn’t that pathetic?”
No. It was wonderful to hear.
Nagi knew it. He fucking knew it; he had something with Reo that nobody could rip apart. They were an unstoppable force, like a pair of matches that still sparkled even when consumed, or sea waves that grew and pulled back depending on the season. It was always there, regardless of time, that connection remained strong and unbreakable. A bond that defied all circumstances.
He lifted his fist in the air slowly as if celebrating a goal. It wasn’t pitiful of Reo, of course not, and if it was, he wasn’t the only pathetic one of the two. He wasn’t the only one who craved the other’s warmth even when life had told them not to.
“I haven’t stopped thinking about you either, since you left. You’ve been on my mind since we broke up.” Nagi came clean, a little more confident now.
“It’s so unfair,” Reo complained, probably massaging his temples or smiling sarcastically. “I should be happy someone loves me like I’ve always wanted to be loved.”
“I told you you’d get bored,” Nagi teased, instead of acknowledging all of Reo’s words, because he couldn’t promise he had loved him how Reo wanted him to. Or that he would if he had the chance.
He was flawed. He’s always been a flawed, heartless model of a human being.
Reo giggled, barely entertained. “It’s not like that. He’s great. He’s like, really, really funny, and spontaneous.”
“He’s just bad in bed,” Nagi concluded, making Reo laugh.
With enough time on the phone and less time in the past, Nagi could always connect with him again and say the things that made him grin. Why couldn’t Reo see that? Why would he give up on that? A bond like theirs didn’t appear two times in a lifetime. They were supposed to cherish it. Regardless of everything, they were partners.
“Wow, arrogant much?” Reo joked. “We just started dating, it’s not like he’s bad, or he doesn’t know what he’s doing…”
“Yet here you are, calling me on a Saturday night. Sounds pretty vanilla to me.”
“We were vanilla, Sei. Degrading doesn’t make us the poster children of BDSM, and I never heard you complain.”
((“Tell me I’m yours, love. Brand me so deep I will never forget it.”))
Remembering those times almost made Nagi smile. How they went from Reo shyly offering to touch him first to Reo putting on a show to seduce him each time afterward. Recalling the way he moaned, and whined, and said the word love like it could mean multiple things at once. Remembering how Reo gagged on his dick, on his fingers, always hungry, greedy, and desperate. Asking Nagi to call him names, to spank him in the ass, and pull his hair. To kiss him in the mouth when he thrusted inside. To always kiss him, wherever he reached, so Reo would feel more than desired; loved.
Yet Seishiro never said those three words. Not even as Reo came and muttered praise against his collarbones, not even when Reo held his hand against the sheets, shivering and whispering I love you’s that were never reciprocated.
As they fucked this past few months, it hadn’t even crossed Nagi’s mind to tell Reo he loved him. It hadn’t raised a question that Reo never said it anymore, either. But, now, Nagi was convinced he would blurt it out if Reo was to get on his knees for him.
I love you, I do.
“You were just too sweet for your own good,” he told him instead, which wasn’t a mockery at all.
“And you were too lazy to do more than missionary,” came the witty response.
“Don’t lie now, Mikage,” not now that Nagi’s memories were so rich and charged with passion. It might have been the distance of the phone, but he found himself daring enough to say: “I’ve milked you dry before, I’ve made you cry and everything. Your body was made to fit mine.”
So pretentious, so egocentric but so true. I was made for you, too. I was made to be with you. “If you want to have a good time, you can still come home,” back to me, to us. “I’ll never say no to you, you know that.”
“I’ll fuck you even with someone’s ring on your finger,” even if it takes more years for you to come back. “You are… I care too much about you, Reo. I do.”
There was no way of being more straightforward, but Reo didn’t turn him down immediately, he didn’t end the call. Rather, he closed off.
“I think you’d like him, Sei. I… I really like him.”
After pouring half of his heart out like that and receiving this answer, Nagi felt the weight back on top of him, sinking deep, crushing his bones. “I don’t think I would like him, Reo,” he said quietly, “he’s your boyfriend.”
“I know”
“Why did you leave that day when we fought? Did I…?”
“You didn’t do anything,” Reo rushed to reassure him. “I was the one who got his hopes up. I thought that because we were hooking up and you asked me to stay at yours when I broke it off with Ryo, we were somehow going out again. You and I.”
It is too late to apologize.
How many times have you hurt him already? How can you ask him to stay when you’re not even able to love him right?
(“Someone loves me like I’ve always wanted to be loved…”)
((“I think we should break up”
“Okay”))
Nagi closed his eyes and tried to keep his cool. He’s done enough harm already. Months ago, they’d been acting as a couple again, so part of it could be blamed on Reo for getting his hopes up, but Nagi could admit the mix-up made sense when lust without commitment was all Reo knew from him.
“...You need to stop assuming we’re dating when I haven’t asked you to,” he sighed. I should’ve asked you to. If all his feelings were so much bigger, scarier, and deeper than fucking lust, how was he so unable to show them?
Great. Just… great.
“I know that now. I’m sorry I put those expectations on you when all you wanted was a friend.”
“All I wanted was you,” Nagi clarified. “Don’t apologize, I kissed you first.”
Reo didn’t hold it against him, probably feeling just as remorseful as Nagi about how everything went down between them. “I know but I should’ve stopped you. I was already attached so I knew it would only worsen things, and well, it did.”
Fuck, fuck. “You had feelings for me even after we broke up?” Idiot.
Fool.
“Obviously, yeah,” Reo admitted. “That’s why I was avoiding you, not because I was angry or anything. But I missed you, so when you said we could be friends I thought… if you were already over us, I could probably keep my feelings to myself. It was my burden to bear, not yours.”
What was he supposed to say next? Nagi wanted to groan. Any reply he came up with felt like it wouldn’t be enough.
Nagi Seishiro, what a badly wired human being.
“I should go back to bed,” Reo eventually said, like a goodbye.
It was too soon, and their reunion had been too short-lived. Nagi didn’t even realize he was making a question, holding onto whatever excuse to keep Reo’s voice in his ear. “Does he… treat you well? Like, real good? Like Isagi treats Bachira and Rin? Not just better than me, because I know that’s not hard to surpass.”
Reo didn’t let him stress out with that. He refused to make Seishiro sad, and just like him, he was tired of breaking the heart of the person he loved the most.
“You made me happy, Seishiro,” he confessed, reassuring once again, and truthful. So sincere, Nagi could almost hear his smile. “Believe it or not, I was glad I had you. But I wish I could talk to you normally now so yes, I regret our relationship because we broke up but I don’t regret loving you. Even if you’re a jerk sometimes.”
“There’s always a space in my bed, Reo,” Nagi promised, similarly to how he promised to always pick up. “There will always be a pair of extra keys to this house, and you’re the one for me. You know that, too.”
He had to know it by now, even if it came too late.
“I want more than warming someone’s bed, Sei. I think I deserve more than that,” Reo finished. Over. Yes, we’re over. “Take care, ‘kay? This might be the last time we talk in a while.”
Nagi nodded. He hid his face in the pillows and let the phone announce the call was over. So it finished, with a ring. He then took a deep breath to find no remains of foreign shampoo or tobacco in his bed, and as Reo went back to his boyfriend’s, the pressure on Nagi’s chest finally snapped. There was a knot in his throat, and he cried until it eased.
Perhaps he wasn’t as broken as he thought.
5.
When destiny wanted to keep you away from someone, it somehow managed to do its job. Even with common friends in the picture, Nagi hadn’t seen Reo in a long time. He didn’t think of Reo that often unless something caught his eye and reminded him of their friendship, but this distance hadn’t undermined his feelings for his… ex either. It was still as complicated as ever, and Nagi wasn’t made of stone, no matter how much he told himself so.
That was why bumping into Reo at a party shook the ground beneath his feet. He was not ready to meet up again and feel nothing, perhaps he would never be. In reality, seeing him brought out in the open all the feelings that used to hide in his unconscious mind.
Perhaps fate had changed its mind like Nagi changed his own. Perhaps it now trusted that putting them together was the answer. Exactly like Nagi thought before realizing he was harming Reo each time he came back into his life, and before being aware of how he didn’t want to hurt Reo anymore because that was what loving someone meant.
Reo was impossible to ignore this time though, and Nagi could recognize his voice even from inside the bathroom, where he was washing his hands. A stranger was speaking, asking to cut the line. “Sorry, excuse me, can he go in first? He's bleeding-”
“Oh fuck, wait, I think there’s some glass left. C’mon everybody, there’s another fucking bathroom down the hall!”
“Reo, stay here, okay? I’ll look for Tabito, just wait until whoever’s inside finishes.”
Nagi didn’t think twice once the identity of the bleeding guy was revealed, and he opened the door with both hands still wet. “Reo?” He blinked in surprise.
Luckily, his best friend looked intact. Those purple eyes Nagi liked so much widened at the sight of him, and only after staring really hard was Nagi able to notice the blood dripping from Reo’s hand and knee, where he had ripped his jeans.
“Nagi?”
He pulled Reo inside gently with a tug on the arm, ignoring whoever else had stayed in queue for their turn in the bathroom. “Are you okay?” He asked, closing the door behind Reo and turning the safety on to avoid any interruptions.
Disregarding all rules about personal space and such, he also took Reo’s hand in his to study his wounded palm. Reo hissed, but it was more because of the tiny pieces of glass cutting into his skin than the fact that after more than half a year, Nagi Seishiro was touching him again. There was no space for awkwardness when they’d been close and intimate before, maybe even more than they should’ve.
Nagi couldn’t hear much above the music that rumbled from outside and the desperate, rushed beats of his heart. “What happened?”
“There was a stupid drink on the floor and I slipped, fell, and broke my glass on top of it. It was such a stupid accident,” Reo explained, irritated by the memory. Then, his eyes met Nagi’s, and didn’t pull away. “Can you help me clean up?” He asked, almost shyly. As if reality had finally sunk in.
Did he think there was a world where Nagi would see him in trouble and refuse?
“I got you,” he said as he nudged a little piece of glass with his nail to pull it out. Reo made a face again, and Nagi moved closer without realizing it. “There’s just blood left, Reo. What should I do?” He picked at one last shard to throw on the sink.
“Soap. Aryu must have a bottle in his shower, behind you,” the other instructed. In the meantime, he put his open palm under the water stream and watched the blood wash away. There was a sigh of relief as he did so.
Nagi pulled the shower curtain to the side and searched between differently labeled bottles of skincare and hair products. Finally, he took the liquid soap and turned to Reo, who pointed at the toilet paper with a tilt of his head. Catching on quickly, Nagi made a small paper ball and pumped some soap onto it, spreading it with his finger. Then, he turned to find Reo offering his hand to him.
He dabbed over the lifted skin carefully, holding his breath. Reo gave him a tight-lipped smile at that, comforting as only he could be. “It doesn’t sting at all, no need for stitches or anything,” he assured.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” Nagi suddenly asked, without trying to sound accusatory. He was worried.
If he had let Reo go it was because this other guy was supposed to be doing a better job than him. And Nagi was sure he wouldn’t leave Reo alone at a fucking party of all places, not when Reo became clumsy and more cheeky and handsy as he got drunk. That was like, rule number 3 of Looking-After-Reo 101.
Tabito didn’t know Reo as much as Nagi knew him, that was for sure. The other guy… Yukimiya? Yes, Yukki had said he was going to search for Tabito. What was taking him so long? Aryu’s house wasn’t that big, to begin with.
Reo shook his head, and he was frowning so he probably didn’t want to even remember whatever had led him here. “Somewhere with Eita, I don’t know. We fought on our way here,” he said because there was nothing he could hide from Nagi. “It wasn’t even my fault, can you believe that?”
Nagi nodded. He was siding with Reo; fuck that guy. He might have pressed too hard at the idea of Tabito somewhere in the house enjoying himself while Reo tripped and bled because Reo’s fingers twitched in reflex, and he flinched a little at Nagi’s ministrations.
Nagi would’ve apologized, but when he opened his mouth all that came out was:
“You fought?”
Don’t get your fucking hopes up because of that… he tried to remind himself.
“Yeah, turns out not everyone can let things go as easily as you do,” Reo said, inappropriately if Nagi may add. However, Nagi didn’t judge him for the comment because he doubted he wouldn’t compare a potential partner to Reo anyway. “He was holding a grudge for like a week,” he elaborated.
“Sounds like someone I know,” Nagi tried to joke, earning himself an exaggerated eye roll.
“Exactly, and now I get why you couldn’t stand me for so long.”
(“Do you even love me?”) No. No more flashbacks, no more moments to remember how much they’ve fucked up. Reo was here, now, and Nagi needed to savor that victory as small as it was.
Besides, Reo didn’t like Tabito that much, did he? He might have been trying to convince them both that day on the phone. He couldn’t fool Nagi anymore, and Nagi was sure he wasn’t making this up: there was trouble in paradise.
“Reo, you’re the most intelligent person I know. You were probably right about whatever we fought about, and I probably got fed up for no reason. Just so you know,” he argued, helping himself to another piece of paper so he could pat Reo’s palm dry. If he wanted to get back in Reo’s good graces, it was time to start opening up, instead of keeping his feelings to himself.
“Sei,” Reo called him sternly, “don’t make me sound so perfect. I am dramatic. Both can coexist, me being dramatic and me being right.”
“I’m not going to apologize for complimenting you,” Seishiro said, caressing his wrist softly before dropping his hand. “Get your pants off,” he motioned at his knee.
Reo only let out half a laugh in response, under his breath. It was a ridiculous situation they found themselves in. But truthfully, he couldn’t clean up the bloody scratches on his knee with his jeans still on, so he took them off. Nagi had the decency to focus on taking out more paper and soap as Reo got on his underwear.
After a while, he tried to raise his leg and somehow fit his knee under the tap. “Can you help me here?” He tried to hold onto Nagi’s arm for balance.
Clearly, Reo hadn’t considered the easier option: opening the shower and stepping inside. Nagi didn’t have to tell him though, he just opened the faucet and Reo gave him a look as if asking him why he couldn’t come up with that sooner. Nagi only raised a brow in response, and Reo chuckled again.
“See, you probably did have reasons to get fed up.”
After that quick cleanup, Nagi wasn’t going to kneel or ask him to pull his leg up, so instead, he asked Reo to sit on the marble where the sink was, and handled his wound from there. Standing between his legs was sort of surreal, even more considering they kept most of their clothes on this time around. Nagi tried to not let it distract him, but in the tiny space they were in, he became painfully aware of the rise and fall of Reo’s chest, as well as the nervous bouncing of his good leg.
“How have you been?” Nagi asked to break the ice. Better yet, so he could get out of the fantasies in his head. One more minute of silence and he might start convincing himself he could really make Reo break up with that guy.
“Good. And you?”
“Not as good,” he answered, petty without realizing, too focused on dabbing the paper ball on Reo’s knee to strive for politeness.
Reo quieted down, drumming his fingers on the side of the sink as he probably steeled himself for the rest of their small talk. “Did something happen?”
“You happened.”
How he went from cocky when they used to hook up, to admitting this months later, Nagi had no idea. He had lost Reo anyway, gave him up, and that might have knocked him down a few pegs. He wasn’t so sure Reo would always find his way back to him anymore.
Even with their bond, history, and connection; Seishiro always lost Reo to silence, somehow. To a lack of action. Justified or not.
“Seishiro…,” Reo sighed, shifting in place. Nagi looked up after he was done with his knee but stayed there, with his arms at each side of Reo’s legs. “This really isn’t the place to unpack all of that.”
Nagi was done with thinking, giving their relationship a hundred turns, so he shut down and followed his gut. “I’m just telling the truth, nothing to unpack here.” It wasn’t like he wanted to rant or anything. Reo asked, and Nagi said the truth; he was barely getting by these days.
“Right”
“We can end it here. Unless you’ve missed me, too, and want to talk about it.”
He had taken a big risk there, and Reo furrowed his brows, slightly. “Seishiro, we’ve talked about this a thousand times before. Being together isn’t right, it never works.”
“I’ve done some inner work,” Nagi argued back instantly. He could still fight for them, for fuck’s sake. He wanted Reo as much as he did when he first tried to kiss him three years ago, and saying it just felt like the right thing to do. “I’ve thought about us a lot. I think I’m your person, Reo.”
“I think I can make you happier than all the guys you’ve been with, and all the ones you may meet. I wasn’t ready to treat you like a partner, but being apart has given me some self-awareness, and I’m ready now, more than I’ve ever been. I think you’re my person, too.”
He didn’t notice he was leaning in. Regardless, Reo leaned back against the wall to breathe, as if Nagi’s presence was oppressive, or really, tempting and confusing. As he tried to regain his composure, Nagi could finally tell for sure that he was getting to Reo.
Bingo.
“Stop,” Reo tried to reason, “I have a partner and we’re past this.”
“You don’t like him like you like me,” Nagi said earnestly.
“Seishiro”
“Don’t lie to me, Reo”
As expected, Reo didn’t deny it, but he frowned and tried to kick Nagi gently before Nagi’s hand went to his calf to stop him. “You weren’t a good boyfriend,” Reo said then, like the last resource.
Nagi squeezed his calf, “I know”
“You always jumped from one thing to another, and I was permanently in the background. Someone you took for granted.” He said with frustration, not kicking his legs only because Nagi was holding him. “It wasn’t that you didn’t make me feel because I did love you, and I know you had feelings for me. It’s just that you wanted your best friend and couldn’t give me my place as your boyfriend.”
“I know”
Reo seemed to lose whatever was left of his bite at Nagi’s calm, open stance. Nagi began to rub his leg tenderly, as if soothing, and when his hand skipped the knee and caressed the side of Reo’s thigh, the young Mikage didn’t have enough strength to push him away. He was probably seconds away from surrendering.
“So we weren’t compatible,” he finished weakly, somewhat affected. “We couldn’t agree on what we wanted out of a relationship, and I doubt that will ever change.”
Nagi realized Reo was struggling, too, because even if he hadn’t been suffering since he disappeared with Tabito, he had been rejected by Nagi twice before that. Or he felt rejected, anyway. And it hurt Nagi to think of how stupid Reo must have felt when he convinced himself to give their relationship another shot only to have Nagi tell him they were having sex, nothing more.
So he leaned in again, meeting Reo’s eyes for permission before closing his own and pressing their foreheads together. They’ve had their misunderstandings, tons of them, and Nagi wouldn’t fall into passivity ever again.
He understood his feelings for Reo well enough to act on them now, so his hand went upwards, brushing Reo’s skin until it settled on his waist. “But I can’t go back to being your friend, it was stupid to even try. How could I? When you drive me crazy…”
If he nuzzled his nose against Reo’s, he didn’t even notice. Nagi was just following his heart and chasing Reo’s tiny, expecting breaths.
“I’d kiss you if I could, Reo,” he whispered against his lips.
Reo shuddered, staying in place, right in Nagi’s palm.
“I’d make love to you, treat you right this time,” he said, nosing the side of Reo’s face, his cheek that had turned heated and red. “I’d take you out like that fancy boyfriend of yours does. I’d play football with you whenever you wanted, and I’d cook for you, I promise. I’d try, Reo, I’d try to make you happy, as happy as you make me. I lov-”
Reo cut him off, unable to hold back from kissing him any longer. It had been mostly like an impulse, the way he pressed his lips softly against Nagi’s in a peck.
Nagi, however, didn’t let him pull back and regret it, because he immediately latched onto Reo like only a person who had been deprived of touch would do. He took Reo by the waist and made sure to pull him close, so boldly that Reo had to jerk his head back because of the power of his kiss.
Their lips met roughly, driven by nothing but need. Although Nagi started it, Reo responded with the same enthusiasm the moment fingers dug under his shirt. Reo’s own clung to Nagi’s shoulders and sunk into his hair, tugging and pulling; at times cradling his head, too, when he guided Nagi so close Nagi feared toppling him over or pinning him against the wall. It was like a tug war, and when the rope was on Nagi’s side, Reo followed his mouth and squeezed him with his legs, attempting to trap him between his thighs.
Each time, Seishiro groaned, satisfied, since he had missed the way Reo gripped onto him as if holding for dear life. He licked into the other’s mouth, nodding, perhaps even muttering yes, yes, because he was so damn excited to have Reo like this. Similarly, Reo smiled against him for a second, clicking their teeth together when he tried to tilt his head.
“You’re so addicting, Sei…” he whispered eventually, dazzled the moment they were apart.
His eyes were half-lidded, shining with hope and honesty. Seishiro wasn’t sure he was fully listening to what his lover was saying, not when he could barely keep his eyes away from that lovely mouth, but he tried. Understanding Reo’s words, he gulped.
Addicting, sounds damn right.
“You too,” he mumbled. Reo was his favorite habit, his best mistake to make, and Seishiro took him gently by the neck.
Immediately, Reo lifted his chin, looking deep into his eyes. Nagi had never grabbed him like this before, but Reo trusted him, he trusted Nagi enough to give all power to him and not fear his following actions. Instead of whatever he expected, Seishiro merely stroked Reo’s shiny lower lip with his thumb, watching enraptured how Reo proceeded to lick it, studying his intentions and adapting to them.
“Nobody gets me like you do,” he said, just as Reo closed his lips around his thumb, and sucked on it sensually. Knowing exactly how to provoke him, undo him, too. “You’re like, the love of my life,” he breathed.
Reo’s eyes softened at that, but Seishiro only caught a glimpse of it because Reo quickly moved his hand away to kiss him again in response. He caressed Seishiro’s welcoming mouth with his own and left another kiss on the corner of his smile, before pulling back to descend on his neck; under the line of his jaw.
“Reo, I-”
Someone knocked on the door, startling them.
Once. Twice. “Reo! Are you in there?!”
Yukimiya.
A cold bucket fell over their heads, and Nagi’s blood turned into ice; freezing him in place. Reo jumped away from his hold, so violently that he hit the back of his head against the edge of the mirror, and he looked at Nagi like a deer caught in the headlights; freaked out. Suddenly, Nagi wasn’t sure he could stomach the way Reo was staring at him, all his devotion replaced by panic.
Yukimiya knocked on the door once again and went as far as trying to turn the knob. “Hey! Is someone in there?!”
Surprisingly, it was Nagi who reacted first, even though Reo had always been the faster thinker of the two. He cleared his throat, “Still busy!”
“Sorry!”
And as fast as he had come, Yukimiya went away, the echo of his steps similar to a ticking clock. Reo rushed to get off the cabinet as soon as Nagi stepped back. Time was up.
Things had changed between them. Whatever fantasy they were in, had just broken down into sharp and pointy pieces of nothing . Nagi felt glued to the ground, nervous that one wrong step would mean hurting each other again, stepping onto broken glass until they bled themselves dry.
He wasn’t so off in his assumption, because the atmosphere had definitely shattered, or else Reo wouldn’t have kept his eyes on the ground as he put his clothes back on. Nagi followed each of his movements, finding the silence so heavy he couldn’t think of how to end it without scaring Reo off.
They were so close, yet so far somehow.
In the end, Reo was the one who talked first, after checking himself in the mirror for a sign of… Nagi didn’t know. Any sign that they had just made out? Any telling sign that would inform Tabito he did not want him anymore?
Reo found Nagi’s eyes in the mirror and averted his gaze, ashamed. His lip began to tremble like he was barely holding himself together, although Nagi would be the first to tell him he could crack in front of him if that was what he pleased because Nagi could learn to hold him, glue him back together. He told Reo already, he could try…
“I’m sorry, Seishiro,” was the first thing he said, taut as a wire, with both hands gripping the sink hard enough to break. “I’m sorry about that.”
“About what?” Nagi wondered. What part of all of this? The part where Reo still had a boyfriend or the part where he lost himself in Nagi like he’s done a million times before?
Nagi refused to accept the second choice. He didn’t want to believe he could gain everything back and have it taken away from him on the same night. Losing Reo? Not possible after all they’d gone through and the way Nagi had just bared himself to him. Surely after all of that, it wouldn’t be Reo who gave up on them, would he?
“I fucked up,” Reo answered, shaking his head and trying not to face him nor follow the impulse to run away and hide. Trying to remain still as he spoke. “I really, really, fucked it up this time. I shouldn’t- shouldn’t have- shouldn’t-” he stammered, closing his eyes harshly. “I shouldn’t have kissed you just now.”
Oh fuck. No, no, no, no, no- “Don’t just say that,” Nagi groaned, without meaning to sound so hard but doing so regardless. He didn’t want to hear this.
He’d rather have Reo lie, he’d rather be the delusional one this time, who could fool himself into believing there was a them when there was nothing more than scraps; nostalgia, and lust. Two old friends he had grown to hate so much.
“Reo,” he called when the young Mikage walked towards the door with his face down to hide his distress. “Don’t you dare leave this room.”
They had switched roles, maybe. They had-
“…this is cheating,” Reo argued, talking in a weird tone, all choked up. “I just cheated on Tabito, Seishiro, I’m a cheater now. I- I’m a horrible person, how could you want to have anything to do with that?”
Was he struggling with guilt? Because Nagi could deal with that, he could deal with anything as long as Reo didn’t put an end to this. “Easy,” he said, walking closer to lay a hand on Reo’s shoulder.
But Reo deflected his touch, shrinking. “Don’t… I obviously don’t know what I want and I just ruined it. With him, with you, I-”
“You met me first,” Nagi interrupted. “You were mine first, you haven’t cheated-”
There was a laugh, clipped and neurotic. “What the fuck are you saying?” And Reo finally looked at him like he didn’t know him, as if he couldn’t recognize him anymore. “Do you even hear yourself right now?”
“I’m trying to help”
“You’re not. You’re making it sound so easy when it really, really fucking isn’t, and we just did something bad that will hurt everyone else but us, like a pair of egoistical fucks-”
“I’m not going to apologize for this,” Seishiro emphasized.
“Well, I’m sorry I will. I’m sorry I kissed you!” Reo yelled hysterically. “You know I don’t want to hurt you! I don’t want to hurt anyone!”
“Stop hurting yourself then and choose what you want for once. I’m here this time so don’t make it harder than it’s supposed to be, you just kissed me.” Seishiro claimed, doing his best to remain collected for Reo’s sake because Reo just… kept breaking apart in front of him. “You want me, you know what that means. Since when do you not follow your heart-?”
“Shut up!” Reo cried, stepping back. “Leave me alone, Seishiro, for once! Let me sort myself out, let me fix this, what I’ve just-, him- you know what I’m trying to say…, goddammit.” He shut his eyes closed, fisting his hands against his temples like a little kid attempting to cover his ears.
He was draining in front of his eyes. Nagi felt heavy as well, confused by the 180 in Reo’s behavior, and how unpredictable he had become. He could still feel Reo’s warmth in his palm from touching him five seconds ago, he could still smell him, from when they were swapping spit on the counter. If the choice was his, he wouldn’t doubt jumping into Reo’s arms again.
“I need time,” Reo bit his lip, nervously. “I’m- I should go home. Now. Before you get mad and I mess this up even more.”
Nagi had no time to remind him he wouldn’t get upset (well, he was kind of upset but also too confused to really focus on his exasperation). At the mention of home, a hurt look crossed his face because that could mean back to Tabito, and Tabito could take Reo away again so that this right now would mean nothing to him in the long run.
Seeing that wounded look on his face, Reo rushed to add: “Not with him, I can’t even… face him right now.”
It should relieve him but… “Reo”
“I’m sorry,” he said one last time. Then he turned around and opened the door so fast, he could’ve given Nagi whiplash. He closed it right after he left, making sure to let Nagi know not to follow him. That this time he wasn’t waiting for him to insist; he seriously needed space.
For the very first time, Nagi hadn’t been able to confess not because of his own will, but because Reo hadn’t given him the chance to. It was he who, tonight, hadn’t been ready to say it back. And for the very first time, too, Nagi understood why it broke Reo so much to not hear him say I love you.
Because it hurt. Real fucking bad.