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Leo stared at the edge of the building and felt the numbness stirr. Like an ocean and its waves, his emotions never really moved, rather, they were moved by the waves. Like a sailor who lost control over his boat, Leo's emotions were just a boat in the sea, waiting for the next big wave that would finally break through his carapace.
When Splinter died the storm was merciless and the only thing keeping him from breaking was his duty to his brothers. They needed someone to keep them busy and safe. To lead. Leo could do that.
When he was renderred useless after the Shredder broke every inch of his dignity as well as his body, Leo thought it was the moment. But he was so weak he couldn't even end it properly. The waves were strong, but something kept the boat anchored to its place. He was frustrated and grieving and he couldn't even do the single thing he was supposed to.
What was even the point?
But he ended up pushing through, his brothers once again pulling him from his plans. He realized he needed them, and their happiness and safety was more important than his unrelenting storms.
He stayed, because home was wherever the three other turtles were.
Many times the storms became too much, but the stubborn boat kept going. Leo couldn't understand. Sometimes he wished for it to break. To let him drown, to have mercy, he couldn't take it anymore.
But it never did. And he found out he could, in fact, take more. Be more. Do more.
The storms never stopped though.
They worsened actually, right when he thought it would start to get better. His family was safe, after all. He was strong and was needed and knew his place in the world. That's the reason he kept wondering, from the top of the building, why of all times, the boat gave out now.
Just like that, he woke up one day and decided it would be the last time he ever did that. Out of nowhere.
The ocean was calm. The anchor was deep into sea. The scattered remains of the boat floated towards nowhere in particular.
Leo found it to be very pacific and logical.
He concocted it himself, the beverage that would make him stop. Mixed it with tea. He had listened for Donnie's rambles enough to know a thing or two about what would kill, and how to make it.
His last day was quiet. He talked to Raph. There was so much to be said, but he couldn't. He smiled. His brilliant, abrasive, passionate younger brother seemed happy. Told him about his plans to get himself a new pet, some strategies he himself was working on. Even let Leo see through his overconfident façade. Leo was honored, and felt the sea calm even more. Raph had grown so much.
Donnie was always happy to have someone to listen to his ramblings. Leo praised his work and watched as his younger brother's face beamed with excitement for getting approval and recognition. He was over April, and wanted to explore the world to find his own special someone. Donatello had become wiser, Leo noticed. He was proud.
Michelangelo was struggling, and it worried Leonardo. The younger turtle shared his insecurities of not being good enough, not being important or needed, with his older brother. Mikey had always been insecure, and that much they had in common. Leo told him about his first weeks as leader, about his struggles with being the authority now that dad... now that they were only four. Mikey should be the new leader after Leo was gone, he decided. He was the one person they could count on no matter what was the problem, had a heart of gold and more strength than Leo could have ever had.
He wrote them a letter.
Something to explain, even though he himself didn't really understand. They would be okay. Or maybe they wouldn't. The thoughts didn't even move the waves, and the pieces of wood were too lost in the ocean to be bothered by the anchor.
They wouldn't find him in time to stop the effect of the poison. He would look like he was sleeping. They didn't need to be more traumatized.
Leo was still puzzled as his eyelids grew heavy. He sat by the edge of the building and blinked away tears.
Did he really want this? Why? Why now?
It didn't make sense.
They would be so sad. It could destroy them.
He cared. But not enough to not do it.
There wasn't anything pushing him to do this, though. Why, then? He didn’t know.
He was numb. The waves now rising only further drowned the broken boat.
Leo closed his eyes.
There was nothing he could do to stop it now, though. Not that he wanted it.
The storms came back, his broken boat suffering through the waves as its pieces were further broken.
Leo was crying.
Why did he feel like this?
He had such a wonderful family. He was fine now. They were safe and he was needed and he loved them and they loved him.
Broken pieces shattered into million fragments.
You can't fix a sunken, broken boat. Might as well embrace the storm.
Leonardo closed his eyes.