Chapter Text
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
The buzzing sound of the doorbell is enough to make anyone go crazy. Especially if it’s buzzing at three in the fucking morning. Steve groans as he gets up from his warm bed and walks to the kitchen of his loft, where the intercom keeps ringing.
“Yeah?” he says, his head is beginning to pound and he’s sure he’s going to have a migraine because of that. He lets go of the button and waits for a response but there’s nothing but ecstatic. Maybe someone is pranking him. “Fuck,” he mutters under his breath and turns to walk away when a voice finally calls from the other side.
“Steve?”
It sends chills down his body instantly because he knows this voice. And because he wasn’t expecting to hear it now. He’s paralyzed in the middle of his kitchen, feeling his heart beating like crazy in his ribcage.
“I know you’re there. I… Please.” The voice calls again and Steve doesn’t know what the fuck he’s supposed to do. It’s not just that he wasn’t expecting to hear this voice again right now, he thought he would never hear it again. He thought they were done after…
He thought they were through.
Steve wants to run away. He wants to go back to his room and he wants to hide under his blankets like a little kid. The voice comes from the intercom again and it’s just another small ‘please’. Steve feels dizzy.
He walks back to the intercom and presses it but it takes him some time before he finds his voice again. Still, it comes out all shaky and weird.
“You shouldn’t be here.”
He says it because he feels like he needs to.
“I know.”
“You should leave,” he adds, for good measure. There’s silence on the other side for a moment but Steve knows it’s not that easy.
“Please. Can I come up?”
Steve should say no. If he had an ounce of self-love, he would. The problem is the way that voice shifts his world, it’s like the floor is swept from under his feet, it’s like he was frozen upside down for years and is just realizing it now.
He should say no. And yet, Steve presses the red button on his intercom, opening the front gate so that Eddie fucking Munson can waltz right back into his life.
——————
1985 (Eddie is 19, Steve is 18)
Kissing Eddie Munson isn’t in the top three weirdest things Steve has done this Summer.
If he’s being honest, it isn’t even the top five. Top ten? Maybe.
Still, it takes him by surprise because Steve was never one to see these things coming anyway. He sure didn’t see Eddie coming, not even with his loud filthy mouth and his lack of personal space.
Steve Harrington and Eddie Munson weren’t supposed to be friends. Not by a long shot. And yet...
Their lives crossed paths and Steve simply couldn’t shake him off. Steve can admit that he got a little bit obsessed for a while, but he honestly thought it was because he hated the guy.
It wasn’t quite that.
The first time Steve went out to see Eddie playing, he’d told himself he was doing it as a joke. Eddie was crazy enough to walk up to him in school, casually, like they were old friends, and hand him a flyer for his next show. Steve had huffed, rolling his eyes and Eddie had smirked like he knew Steve was full of shit.
Still, Steve clung to this flyer like it was some sort of secret. He was still hanging around Tommy H. and Carol and the popular kids at the time. He was still an asshole, as Eddie liked to remember. Steve preferred to think he was just someone that didn’t think he could be in charge of his own life.
On that first night, Steve went to the Hideout, where Corroded Coffin played, wearing a black polo and his only pair of dark jeans. He thought he would blend in a little, only to realize he stood out from the crowd like a firework in the night sky.
He stayed pressed in a corner of the bar, a beer in hand, trying to pretend it was perfectly normal for him to be there. Hoping, praying, that no one would recognize him. He debated with himself the possibility of him just… Leaving. But he realized he didn’t really want to.
Corroded Coffin was the second band to walk in on stage and Steve didn’t even bother pretending he wasn’t entranced by Eddie Munson. By the way he glowed on stage, hair falling on his face as he got lost in his music. Fingers dancing around his guitar in a way that made Steve’s inside all mushy.
And then…
Then Eddie was looking up, eyes locking in on Steve as he wet his lips, his smile growing as he changed Steve’s world completely.
It’s the fifth time Steve has come to see Eddie playing and he’s not ashamed of admitting it. Well, maybe a little.
The past month has been very illuminating for him. Steve and Robin had become friends after he was forced to work at the mall and she has definitely opened up his eyes to a lot of things. She also was a better friend than any of the ones Steve had before because when he mentioned wanting to go to the show Robin only offended him twice before agreeing to go.
And so, they went three times before; Robin kept bugging Steve to have the courage to at least talk to Eddie. Because honestly, Steve felt like he was broken. Like he didn’t know how to act around someone he had a crush on. Especially when that someone was Eddie Munson.
But the fifth time’s the charm or something, right?
Steve let Robin dress him this time so at least he isn’t sticking out that much. Corroded Coffin plays their set like they usually do, Eddie’s eyes finding Steve every chance he gets and Steve doesn’t even know how he does that. How he always knows where Steve is. How he always knows where to find him.
Usually, after the show is done, Steve would drag Robin away fast, before the band has the chance to circle back to the main area of the bar. But not tonight, no. Tonight, Steve is going to talk to Eddie.
He downs a shot of tequila, fingers tapping on the counter, anxiously waiting. Steve doesn’t know if it takes ten minutes or ten hours, but then Eddie’s loud voice is echoing, getting closer and closer until Steve can see him, hair wild as he walks towards the bar, a lazy grin on his face.
Steve has an urge to bolt out of there but he forces his feet to stay put, even when Eddie’s smile falters for a second as his eyes land on Steve, looking completely out of place.
“Harrington,” Eddie says, tone light as if this is a casual encounter. “What a surprise.”
“Munson. Uh… Good show.”
“Yeah? Did you like it better than the other four you’ve seen?” Eddie asks as he gestures for the bartender and Steve can feel his face warming up with embarrassment. Why did he think this was a good idea? Eddie probably invited him as a joke and is as surprised as Steve that he keeps showing up every time.
“I…”
“What are you drinking?” Eddie asks, eyeing the empty glass in front of Steve. “Tequila? A bold choice, I respect that.”
Before Steve can say anything the bartender is filling up his glass and sliding a full one to Eddie.
“Cheers,” Eddie says as he picks up his glass. “To you hanging around after the show so I can be sure I didn’t make you up in my mind.”
It’s so casual, the way Eddie says those sorts of things, as if they don’t wrap themselves around Steve’s heart like barbed wire. He downs the shot after Eddie clinks their glasses together, wanting desperately to cling himself to this moment.
Three hours later and they are still talking. Robin came along a little bit before that saying that she found a ride home if Steve still wanted to stay and he could feel Eddie’s gaze on him as he pretended to think about it, before telling Robin she could go.
“You’re full of surprises, Harrington,” Eddie says after Robin walks away with a very knowing smile on her lips.
“And you’re full of mysteries, Munson,” Steve says even though he didn’t mean to. Eddie smiles at him.
“Is that why you’re here? Because you want to solve this mystery?”
Steve thinks about that. “Maybe.”
“And then, you’re just going to leave after you crack the code, King Steve?”
“Don’t call me that,” Steve says, feeling his cheeks growing hot. He has no idea why he gets so nervous around Eddie. “And… I’m not planning on leaving. Unless you ask me to. Is that what you want?”
Eddie sips his beer and lets his eyes roam through Steve as if he’s analyzing him. “No,” he says after a moment. “I don’t think I do. Can I take you somewhere?”
Steve says yes because he would say yes to anything Eddie asked of him right now. That’s how he knows he’s in way over his head and what’s scarier than that is the fact that he doesn’t seem to care. Not even a little bit. So he follows Eddie out and gets into his van and he lets Eddie Munson take him away.
Eddie takes him to this small cliff that looks over Lover’s Lake that Steve’s never been to. It’s a nice view, quiet and very private. Eddie sits down and pats the space next to him, looking at Steve.
“Are you planning on murdering me?” Steve asks, probably because there’s too much tequila in his body and Eddie laughs, probably because it seems impossible that Steve Harrington is really there with him.
“Do you think I can get away with it?”
Steve makes a thoughtful expression as he sits down, his shoulder brushing Eddie’s lightly. “I mean… Maybe? You’re a smart guy. It all comes down to what you would do with my body, I guess. No body, no crime.”
Eddie gasps at that. “Jesus, Harrington. Who knew you had such dark thoughts in that pretty little head of yours, huh? I like it.”
And for some reason, the way he talks about him warms Steve’s insides.
“You already have a murder van!” Steve says, unable to contain himself and Eddie splays both his hands across his chest in mock offense.
“You did not just call my van a fucking murder van, Harrington! I should murder you because of that alone.”
Steve’s eyes go wide and he raises his hands. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please don’t murder me. I’m sure Robin would be very upset about it.”
“Fine. But just because I don’t want to evoke Buckley’s rage. She’s very scary.”
“She is! I tell her that all the time but she thinks I’m being mean to her.”
Eddie clicks his tongue, “Well, you’re known for being mean.”
“Ouch,” Steve says, looking down at his feet. “I guess I deserved that.”
“Did you know that the guys from the band were very against me talking to you?”
Steve doesn’t know how to react to that, nor does he know why Eddie is telling him that. “I… Why?”
“Because they know I’ve had a crush on you since forever and they’re scared you’re just messing with me by showing up at our gigs wearing those preppy boys’ clothes and watching me like a hawk the whole show before ditching without saying anything. They think I’m walking right into your trap.”
And Steve also doesn’t know how to react to that.
“Am I?” Eddie insists and Steve just blinks at him. “Walking into a trap, Harrington?”
“Uh… No. No traps, I promise.” Steve says and Eddie nods at him like he was just making sure. “Did you… Say you had a crush on me?”
It’s the first time all night that Eddie seems a little taken aback by Steve, as though he wasn’t expecting him to address that.
“Are you going to be weird about it? Because I thought that since you were hanging around Buckley you’d be-“
“Does that mean you don’t have a crush anymore?”
Eddie turns to look at Steve, frowning like Steve has turned into an alien in front of him.
“This feels like dangerous territory to be walking into, Harrington.” Eddie clicks his tongue and tries to pull away from Steve’s proximity, but Steve reaches out to grab his wrist and he can feel the way his pulse flutters under the touch.
“I’m not sure it does.” Suddenly, Steve feels very aware of everything, like things just got sharper in his mind. He’s sitting on a cliff, holding Eddie Munson close, hoping he won’t try to pull away again.
“You shouldn’t ask questions you really don’t want the answers for.”
Steve feels electric as he lets go of Eddie’s wrist and there’s this current running through him when Eddie doesn’t immediately pull away. Steve angles his body a little so he can press his hand on Eddie’s waist.
“Maybe you should ask the question that’s scaring you, Munson.”
Steve sees the uncertainty swimming in Eddie’s eyes but he stays still, wondering if Eddie’s going to push them off the cliff or not. He hopes he does.
“Why are you here, Steve?” It’s the first time Steve remembers Eddie saying his first name, and there’s something in his tone that gives him goosebumps.
“Because maybe… You’re not the only one with a crush. And maybe you knew that for a while. Maybe even before I knew it,” Steve answers matter-of-factly and he can see the way Eddie’s breath hitches. There’s just this quick second where his eyes still seem questioning, but then Eddie is leaning in slowly, giving Steve more than enough time to turn away if he wants to.
He doesn’t.
Eddie’s lips feel soft against Steve’s, warm and careful like he’s afraid he’s going to spook him. Once he understands he won’t, Eddie moves a hand to wrap around the nape of his neck, pulling him in, urging him to open his mouth so he can deepen the kiss. And to be honest, Steve’s not sure he’s going to comply until the exact second he does.
Not because he doesn’t want to be kissing Eddie Munson on the top of a cliff. But because he wants that more than he ever wanted anything in his life. Because he can feel the way it shifts and changes his world like it’s angled in the right way for the first time.
Eddie Munson kisses Steve Harrington like he’s going to set the world on fire and Steve lets him, even when he knows for sure he’s going to get burned.
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
There’s this moment right before Steve opens the door of his loft to let Eddie Munson in where all of the air seems to be sucked out of the room. He needs to remind himself to breathe . It’s something so simple yet it feels so hard for him right now.
Eddie was usually someone who took Steve’s breath away, with his easy smiles and silly little jokes. This feels nothing like that. So Steve stands in front of the door counting in his head as he inhales and exhales. As he feels air fighting to go back into his lungs. As he feels himself spinning completely out of control, having to pretend everything is fine.
He opens the door and Eddie is just standing there. Looking at Steve like he isn’t the one who walked away.
“Thanks for letting me up,” Eddie says, not meeting Steve’s gaze. There’s something weird about the way he’s talking but Steve can’t quite put his finger on it. He steps aside without saying anything because there isn’t really anything to be said.
Eddie walks in and closes the door behind him which strikes Steve as oddly familiar even though Eddie has never been in this apartment before. It still hurts, though, how everything about him fits right into Steve’s life even though he doesn’t have any intention of being in it.
“How are you?” Eddie asks and Steve eyes him, a frown appearing between his brows.
And then, it’s crystal clear. “You’re drunk,”
It’s not a question and, for a moment, Eddie just stands there, watching Steve.
When it becomes clear Steve isn’t going to say anything, Eddie says under his breath “Just a little.”
Steve turns his back on Eddie and moves away because he needs to do something with himself, otherwise he knows he’s going to lose it. There’s this voice in his head saying he can’t handle this and when Steve reaches for a glass on the counter he notices he’s shaking.
He opens the faucet and fills the glass, catching sight of the clock on the wall that says it’s 3:23 in the morning. There’s this part of him that’s sure he’s going to turn around and realize he’s imagined the whole thing. There’s no way Eddie is standing in his apartment in the middle of the fucking night.
But still, somehow, there he is when Steve turns. Watching him like he used to do when Steve went to his first Corroded Coffin shows. Like he couldn’t believe Steve was really there, like his brain was playing tricks on him.
Steve offers him the glass of water and the corner of Eddie’s lips threaten to lift. “You’re still taking care of me,” he says as he sips the water. Eddie didn’t lie before, he’s just a little drunk. Steve is way too familiar with this drunk Eddie. He’s seen him too many times.
“It’s just water,” Steve replies dryly, but Eddie presses his lips to keep himself from grinning like he knows Steve is full of shit.
And in this case, Steve is full of shit because he’s always trying to take care of everyone and, most of all, Eddie. But he tried too much, too hard; he knows that because it’s the reason why they didn’t work.
“Why are you here?” Steve asks because he wants to see the grin slapped off Eddie’s face. It works, because Steve knows where it stings.
“I missed you,” Eddie replies. A-Little-Drunk-Eddie is a tricky one because he gets clingy and soft in just the right way. Steve needs to be careful. He should push him away, tell him he doesn’t have any right to barge into his apartment in the middle of the night after five years and say that he misses him.
Instead, he sounds pathetic when he answers. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“Why’d you let me in, then?” Eddie puts the glass down and seems a little awkward, now that he doesn’t have anything to do with his hands. He shoves them in his hoodie pockets, rocking on his feet a little.
Steve doesn’t have an answer to that and Eddie knows it. He can see right through him, he always could.
“I didn’t want you to be alone,” Eddie says and Steve frowns at that because it’s such a weird thing for him to say. Steve’s been alone for five years, maybe even more. Why would Eddie care now?
But Steve can’t pretend his heart doesn’t flutter at Eddie’s words. He can’t pretend there’s a part of him that wonders if Eddie would stay if he asked. “You can’t say shit like that.”
“Sorry,” Eddie says and sounds genuinely surprised like it’s the first time it crosses his mind he shouldn’t go to his ex-boyfriend’s apartment to say he misses him. “I just… I know you hate to spend your birthday alone. I… I didn’t know if you’d be alone, but I guess that if you weren’t you wouldn’t even let me in.”
Eddie is right. Steve hates spending his birthday alone. Back when he was younger, Steve would fill his parents’ house with as many people as he could, he would get the best cake in town and tons of beer kegs. That way he could pretend that someone gave a shit about him.
But Eddie was also wrong. “Today’s not my birthday.”
“Oh, no, I know.” Eddie smiles softly and it’s infuriating because Steve’s body just reacts to that. “I couldn’t get here before midnight because I had a show, but I-“
“My birthday was last month.”
Eddie only blinks at him. “No, it wasn’t,” he says as if it’s possible Steve has forgotten his own birthday.
“Yes, it was. Today is July 23rd, not June.”
There’s this awful silence in the room and Steve regrets saying anything. He should’ve let Eddie believe it was his birthday because then he would congratulate him and maybe he’d leave right after when he realized there was no reason for him to be there. But now… Now Eddie is going to want to fix things.
“Fuck,” Eddie says under his breath. “I’m sorry, Steve. I thought I…”
“It’s fine. There’s no reason for you to remember my birthday. It’s not like we’re in each other’s lives anymore.” Steve says that because he knows it’s going to hurt Eddie. And he wants to hurt him, just to get him to feel a little bit as he’s felt for all these years.
——————
1989 (Eddie is 23, Steve is 22)
Touring is a crazy, crazy thing. But as with most things, it settles into a sort of routine after a few times and Steve is more than happy to embrace it. He doesn’t follow Corroded Coffin all year round, but he’s done with his Junior semester and has a break before getting into his last year, so he’s happy he gets to be with Eddie for a while.
They’ve been dating for almost two years this Summer and if someone asked 18-year-old Steve if he thought he would find what he wanted in a nerdy metalhead with serious personal space issues, he would probably laugh until his stomach hurt. Even now that he knows Eddie is exactly what he wanted all along, it still gets him, sometimes.
It’s surprising and somehow, not surprising at all. He’d been orbiting around Eddie for quite some time before finally making a move, back when they were still in High School. It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like it’s not enough time.
“Hey, sweetheart, are you ready?”
Eddie is all soft edges as he pops his head in and smiles at Steve. He has eyeliner on, which makes his eyes seem even bigger and does embarrassing things to Steve’s heart. The pet names too.
“Yeah,” he replies, getting up from the couch he was curled into. The band’s been getting a lot of attention lately and they are touring as an opening act for another metal band. It’s not fancy or anything, but they get their own bus to ride alongside the main band and they do most of the shows around the US. Steve’s been tagging along for three weeks now and he’s honestly grateful that everyone seems ok with having him there.
Eddie holds the door open for him, but before Steve can walk past him he wraps a hand around his waist and pulls him in, burrowing his face in Steve’s neck. “Hmmm, you smell so good.”
“Stop it, Munson,” Steve pats his hand on Eddie’s shoulder but there’s no real intention behind it. “You’re going to be late and it’s going to be my fault.”
“Well, it’s not my fault you’re addicting and I can’t keep my hands off of you,” Eddie says as he places a soft kiss on Steve’s neck. It sends shivers down his spine.
“God, you’re so clingy,” Steve teases, but he’s smiling. He loves how Eddie’s always touching Steve like he can’t seem to get enough of him.
“You love it,” Eddie says, pressing another kiss, letting his teeth scrape lightly at the skin on Steve’s neck. Steve lets out a soft gasp and he can feel Eddie smiling. “And I love the way you react to me, baby.”
“Eddie…” Steve tries for a harsh tone, but it’s a losing battle. He can feel Eddie’s fingers pressing on his hips and Steve wants to pull Eddie back inside the dressing room so they can-
“Sorry, you’re right, I can’t be late.” Eddie pulls back and Steve groans in frustration. He loves to do that to him, to rile him up and leave him high and dry after, waiting until they have some alone time again. Secretly, Steve loves it too.
“Fucking asshole,” Steve mutters, but he sighs happily as Eddie laces their fingers together and pulls him along down the corridor.
“Can you watch from the stage today?” Eddie asks as he guides them toward the main entrance of the stage. Steve usually watches the show from the sound cabin, he likes that he gets to see it from the front even though it’s a little far away.
“Sure, why? Did someone… Say something? About me?”
“No, no. You know everyone loves you here, baby. I just feel like having you close by today. I know you said it was fine, but I’m feeling bad I didn’t get to spend more of today with you, I know how you love your birthday.”
Steve pulls at Eddie’s hand until he stops and turns to look at him. “I told you it was fine, Eddie. I don’t want you worrying about me. You need to focus on the shows and I get it. I’m just happy that I get to see you play today, that’s the best birthday gift I could hope for.”
Eddie smiles at him and takes his free hand to Steve’s chin, tilting his head up a little, so he can press their lips together. It’s not teasing like the others were.
“You’re the best groupie a band could ask for.” Steve pushes him back and feels his cheeks burning as Eddie’s laugh reverberates through him. “I’m kidding, baby. But you do look good wearing my shirts.”
“Yeah, well, let’s see if I'll wear them again now. Go on, I’ll watch from the stage if that’s what you want.”
Eddie leans down fast and claims one more kiss before Steve can even register it and then he walks away.
The show is great, as always. Eddie’s this ball of energy around the stage and it’s hypnotizing, especially because he keeps stealing glances at Steve throughout the whole concert and Steve thinks that maybe, watching it from up here is not that bad. It doesn’t matter how much time passes, Steve still gets butterflies just from the way Eddie looks at him.
The band’s about to play their last song when suddenly, Eddie picks up the mic and speaks to the audience. It’s not that unusual, but Steve doesn’t remember him ever doing it so close to the end.
“You’re looking so good tonight!” Eddie chants and the audience goes wild. They love him because how could they not? “But I have one more surprise for you tonight, ok?”
The cheers get louder and louder and Eddie smiles back at his bandmates.
“Tonight we celebrate the life of someone very dear to me. Will you please put your hands together for Steve Harrington?” Even as Eddie is gesturing toward Steve, he’s confused like his brain can’t wrap itself around what’s happening.
Eddie smiles and walks up to him, offering his hand. “C’mere, baby,” he says, voice low, only for Steve. He pulls Steve by the hand until they are center stage, looking over the thousands of people in the audience.
“This guy right here is getting older today and his only birthday wish was that he was taller than me,” Eddie teases and Steve rolls his eyes. “Bring it on, Gareth.”
And then someone’s walking on stage with a fucking birthday cake and there are thousands of people singing Happy Birthday to Steve and he feels his throat tight like he might cry. And during the whole thing, he only has eyes for Eddie, who hasn’t let go of his hand, who whispers a quiet ‘I love you’ right before he wraps Steve in a hug when the song is over.
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
The wounded expression on Eddie’s face is enough to send a wave of guilt through Steve’s body. He wanted him to hurt but it doesn’t feel as good as he hoped it would. It doesn’t erase how the things he’s saying are hurting him, too, and it sure as hell doesn’t mend the cracks inside his heart.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” Steve says through gritted teeth, taking Eddie completely by surprise.
“No, I’m sorry I missed your birthday,” Steve doesn’t point out how Eddie has been missing his birthdays for a long time now. “Tour has been… Rough.”
And there it is, the thing that sets off Steve’s weaknesses. The vulnerability behind Eddie’s brown eyes is enough to shatter Steve to pieces like he is made of glass. He wanted to be strong this time. He wanted to turn him down, send Eddie on his way, away from Steve’s life, incapable of hurting him even more.
Instead, he offers an olive branch. “What happened?”
He hears Eddie inhaling a sharp breath as if he wasn’t expecting Steve to give in to him. As if he knew he didn’t deserve Steve’s compassion. It opens old wounds inside Steve because he remembers how it used to be, how Eddie used to wear his heart on his sleeve just for Steve, how he’d lay himself bare for him ever since they first kissed on that cliff.
Steve sighs and walks to his couch, tucking his legs under him as he sits down. He eyes Eddie, open and earnest. “You can tell me if you want, or we can just sit in silence for a moment.”
Eddie closes his eyes for a second as if he can’t believe this is happening, but then he walks slowly towards the couch and he sits down on the armrest, far away from Steve. He buries his face in his hands and Steve has to fight the urge to go to him. Though he doesn’t know how much longer he can hold that off.
When Eddie removes his hand his eyes are glassy and when he speaks, his voice is low and broken. “You know, same old shit. I feel like I’m losing my goddamn mind.”
“You’re not. This shit is hard.”
They’ve been through this before. Steve has lost count of how many times he held a sobbing Eddie in his arms because he was losing his shit during the tour. He’s also lost count of how many other times Eddie didn’t come to him, finding his solace somewhere else.
“I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t come here to whine about my life. I didn’t come to pressure you into comforting me.”
“I know you didn’t. Still, I’m happy to help, if I can.”
The scary part is that Steve actually means that. It took exactly ten minutes of looking at Eddie to turn all of Steve’s resolve into dust. It terrifies him, the kind of power Eddie still holds over him. It terrifies him the relief he feels when he realizes how much Eddie still needs him.
“You always help, you know that.”
“It’s just that sometimes you don’t let me help you.” Steve’s not sure why he said that even though it’s true. He can see it affects Eddie because of the way his face goes pale and he regrets it. “Sorry, I don’t-“
“Stop apologizing, I… Do you want me to leave?” Eddie starts to get up and Steve feels his heart jumping in his chest, he leans forward quickly and grabs Eddie’s hand.
“No, please.”
Everything feels charged around them as Steve holds Eddie’s hand. It’s such a small thing, he’s barely touching him at this point and it still feels massive as the gesture lodges itself inside Steve’s chest. There’s all that unsaid shit between them and Steve’s fucking scared of what this little thing can stir up, and he wishes he could let go but Eddie has always been a blind spot for him.
“Ok,” Eddie says and there’s relief in his voice. “I won’t go.”
And Steve wishes there was an ounce of truth in his words, too.
——————
1989 (Eddie is 23, Steve is 23)
The first time it happens, Eddie’s been on tour for six months. Steve spent two months with them, but he had to leave to get back to his life and it feels weird and wrong. He loves his life, he loves that he’s going to become a teacher, and he loves his friends from college, even though they’re mostly acquaintances. He loves the flat he shares with Robin and the little routine they have.
But he loves Eddie Munson and it’s like he’s always torn in two, his heart always has a missing piece, all the way across the country and it’s hard and it hurts.
They havent’s seen each other in two months and it fucking sucks. Steve has a hard time focusing on his schoolwork, he tries to enjoy things but there are some days when he just wishes Eddie could be there with him.
There’s this selfish part of him that wishes Eddie didn’t have a band. Steve admitted it to Robin, a few nights ago and he felt both lighter and heavier after he said it. Robin didn’t judge him, because she was honestly the best friend he could’ve ever hoped for, instead she hugged him and told him it was ok for him to feel this way because this long distance was a bitch.
But it would be so much easier. Maybe Eddie could be in the same college he was in or maybe he would have a job in the city and he and Steve could be thinking of getting their own place together. On Saturdays, they could have this little ritual where they would go out to eat something weird because Eddie always liked to try new things, and then they would go to the movies to catch some nerdy thing that was on.
Steve makes this whole life for them even when he knows they are never going to have that because Eddie wants to be in a band and he wants to be famous and he’s on the right path for it. Steve can only hope that eventually, Eddie would want to settle somewhere, and maybe when he’s famous enough he’d only have to tour for half of the year.
When he thinks too much about it Steve gets on the verge of concluding they aren’t compatible. Their lives will never fit with each other. Yet, he ends up falling asleep knowing he’d follow Eddie wherever he went, even if it meant he’d give up on his own dreams.
Those are usually the nights Steve climbs into bed with Robin and falls asleep next to her, trying his best not to cry.
But the tour is coming onto a break soon enough and Steve and Eddie are going to see each other in less than two weeks now so Steve holds on to that and he keeps going because there isn’t much else to be done. He and Eddie talk on the phone some nights, but not all of them, because his boyfriend is mostly on the road or doing concerts and the call rates are fucking expensive.
This isn’t one of their scheduled nights, so when the phone rings at 7 pm, Steve doesn’t even blink. Robin sighs and gets up to answer it and Steve stays curled up on their couch, trying to finish his essay. His concentration goes out of the window when he sees Robin frowning and turning her back to him, speaking in a rushed voice on the phone.
Robin likes to think she’s subtle with things she doesn’t want Steve to know, but she’s not. Every year on his birthday Robin tries to surprise him with a gift or a party or a cake and every year, Steve ruins the surprise. It’s not even that he wants to , he even tries to pretend he’s not seeing her acting all suspicious, but eventually, it’s impossible to miss, like the time Steve walked in on the kitchen and Robin was elbow deep in cake-making, their kitchen a mess because she forgot Steve was getting back from class earlier that day.
Steve’s mind starts to go crazy as he thinks about what Robin could possibly be hiding from him. Maybe she and Eddie are planning on surprising him. Maybe Eddie said he was going to be there in two weeks but he’s actually on his way now.
His heart starts beating like crazy in his chest with the mere thought of seeing his boyfriend tonight. It’s pathetic and embarrassing but he’s too hopeful to care. So he waits patiently as Robin talks on the phone, his eyes scanning the same sentence over and over again because his brain has already given up on his essay.
When Robin hangs up, Steve forces himself not to look up, as if to show he hadn’t noticed Robin being all weird. She walks out of the living room and Steve starts to get all crazy because he’s sure Eddie’s going to surprise him and there’s this anticipation bubbling inside of him that’s hard to control.
It takes Robin close to twenty minutes before she’s walking back into the room and Steve glues his eyes to his book until Robin is crowding over him, watching him.
“I know you’re onto me, dingus. You’re a terrible liar,” Robin says, cracking her knuckles and Steve looks up at her.
“Shit, I thought I was doing great,” he murmurs, clicking his tongue, and Robin laughs, but it’s strained. “Sorry, I swear I tried not to overhear you, but sometimes you’re so obvious it’s hard not to. But I can totally pretend to be surprised.”
She frowns at him like they’re not in the same frequency, which is unusual for them. “Steve…”
“No, really! We can even practice my surprised face from when Eddie barges in here. Look!” Steve puts his hands over his face and counts to three before taking them off to reveal a very poor excuse for a surprised face. Robin laughs again, but it’s still not genuine.
“Please, don’t,” she says, but then she closes her face again. “Listen, we have to talk about something.”
It’s Steve’s turn to frown.
“Ok? Does it have something to do with the call?”
“Yes, it does,” she says, resigned and Steve’s brain tries to do a 180. Maybe he’s been too hopeful for Eddie to surprise him. Maybe it’s something to do with his visit in two weeks.
“And it’s about Eddie?” Steve’s pretty sure Robin winced when he said Eddie’s name which… Was not a good sign. “Fuck, Rob, what?”
Maybe Eddie’s not going to make it in two weeks. Maybe Eddie’s band has been booked for another tour starting right away and he and Steve are going to postpone their meeting. Maybe-
“Oh shit, Steve, breathe. I need you to breathe.”
To be honest, Steve hadn’t noticed he was visibly freaking out, but sometimes his head played tricks on him like that. He feels the weight of Robin’s hands on his shoulder and tries for a deep breath, blinking slowly, trying to focus on her.
“I need you to keep it together. Like, I need you to not freak out on me. Can you do that?”
Steve nods even if he’s not sure that he can not freak out. He’s going to try, but he’s getting the sense that whatever Robin has to tell him, it’s not going to be pleasant.
“So, that was Corroded Coffin’s manager on the phone,” Robin says, she takes a step back from Steve but one of her hands is still rubbing his shoulder, trying to comfort him. “I didn’t, uh, get all the details, but there was some kind of accident and Eddie is in the hospital right now. He’s fine, mostly, just a little disoriented, but, yeah.”
He doesn’t know how to react to that. “I- He’s in the hospital?”
“Yeah, he got there like a couple of hours ago? I’m not sure exactly. But they are keeping him overnight because he hit his head.”
“Oh, I-“ Steve’s scrambling to get up and Robin lets go of his shoulder, he starts patting his pockets frantically. Robin sighs before getting up too.
“Is there anything I can say to persuade you to not drive six hours to Nashville in the middle of the night?”
Steve stops and stares at her, frowning. He wasn’t even sure that was what he was going to do, but now that Robin has said it, it becomes clear that it was. He looks at the door quickly and sees his car keys hanging from one of the hooks.
“Probably not.”
“Yeah, I figured. So, there’s a bag with a change of clothes and toiletries ready for you near the door. Will you just… Call me when you get there? Please?”
Robin’s voice is filled with worry and it makes Steve’s heart ache. Even after all these years he and Robin had been friends, he still gets taken aback by how well she knows him and how well she takes care of him.
He throws himself on top of Robin, hugging her tightly. “Thanks, Rob. I’ll call as soon as I can.”
“Great, now get going.” She pats his shoulder trying to sound less emotional but it falls flat. Steve smirks at her but says nothing. “Shut up, dingus.”
Steve kisses the top of her head and peels himself from her, grabbing the bag she had made for him. He walks to the door and picks up his wallet and keys.
“I’m sure Eddie’s fine. Drive under the limit, please. Don’t need the two of you in the hospital.”
Steve promises and then he’s out of the door, driving towards Eddie, hoping that Robin is right and that he is, in fact, fine. Steve doesn’t know what he would do if he wasn’t.
——————
1990 (Eddie is 24, Steve is 23)
Steve feels like he’s having a major deja vu. It’s past 3 in the morning and he’s driving on the interstate, but the difference is he’s driving to Chicago and not to Nashville this time. But honestly? It could’ve been anywhere in the country.
Corroded Coffin has been on the road for more than a year now. They had a quick break when Eddie was in the hospital but the label found another band for them to tag along and tour with and things just escalated from there.
They aren’t famous or anything, but everyone can see it’s just a matter of time. And Steve can see clearly that his time with Eddie is running out just as fast.
Still, he drives. It’s the second time Eddie’s been sent to the hospital this year alone and Steve has to collect himself so as to not yell at all the people that should be taking care of Eddie when they are touring. The guy is always surrounded but it seems like no one can fucking do anything to prevent things from happening.
The second time it was at the beginning of the semester and Steve simply couldn’t leave. He wanted to, but it was not as serious as the first time, Eddie had been released in a matter of hours and kept telling Steve over the phone he was fine.
This time, though, it feels worse, somehow. No one told Steve anything other than that Eddie was in the hospital and that Steve should come if he could.
The call came in really late, Robin was deep asleep and Steve had to leave a note for her, so that she wouldn’t worry too much. He knows she’ll be mad that he didn’t wake her up, but honestly, he just wanted to get going as fast as he could. So he grabbed his keys and a Red Bull from the fridge and started to drive.
It’s almost 5 am when he finally gets to Chicago. They played a show there at the beginning of the night and Steve was really looking forward to hearing Eddie tell him all about it. It was supposed to be a big show, one that could make a real difference in their career going forward.
The hospital is just like any hospital Steve had ever been in. It’s almost empty due to the hour and it smells like disinfectant, the bright lights are hard on Steve’s tired eyes but he downs the rest of his Red Bull and walks straight to the reception.
“I’m here to see Eddie Munson.” His voice is rough from lack of speaking and the receptionist eyes him suspiciously.
“Visiting hours start at 8.” She points to a sign that says exactly that.
“Please.” Steve’s voice is so low now. He’s tired and worried. “I drove here from Indianapolis. I just… Can you tell me how he is?”
She’s about to say no, Steve knows she can’t, but she must see something in his eyes that makes her take pity on him. Without replying she taps on the computer for a couple of minutes. When she looks up at Steve, she doesn’t smile.
“I’m sorry, sir. It seems like Mr. Munson is still in surgery.”
Steve’s head spins. “Surgery? For what?”
“I can’t tell you that. I’m sorry.”
Steve wants to yell. He wants to cry. He’s so tired, his whole body is aching. He hasn’t been sleeping too well these past few days, not with finals around the corner. He wanted to do good so he would be on break soon. So he could get to Eddie soon.
He thanks the lady and walks away from the counter, trying to think. He knows Eddie’s manager’s number and he thinks he saw a payphone outside, but now that he knows Eddie is in surgery he doesn’t really want to leave the hospital. Maybe if he just sticks around, the receptionist will take pity on him again and she’ll tell him when Eddie’s out of surgery.
Steve doesn’t even realize he’s fallen asleep until someone’s shaking him awake. He needs to blink a couple of times before the sleep fog lifts from his brain and he can focus on his surroundings.
“Hey, Steve.” Gareth’s voice is soft as he shakes Steve awake.
“Gareth, hey. What happened?”
“I… Did no one tell you?” Steve shakes his head and he can see a pinch between Gareth’s eyebrows. “Fuck.”
“Gareth, just fucking tell me.” Steve feels instantly awake, already on the verge of losing his shit. He knows Gareth doesn’t have anything to do with it and he should not take it out on him. But it’s hard not to when no one seems to be able to just tell him what is happening with his boyfriend.
“Fuck. Sorry. He’s fine, ok? He just got out of surgery-“
“Why was he in surgery in the first place?”
“Fuck, Steve.”
The expression on Gareth’s face is so sad that Steve gets it instantly. It’s funny because, in the beginning, Gareth did not like Steve at all . But with time, Steve earned his trust. He wouldn’t go as far as to say they were friends or anything, but they share custody of Eddie, Gareth as the best friend, and Steve as the boyfriend. It’s easier having Gareth around to keep an eye on Eddie. That’s why Steve knows exactly what happened just from his expression.
“He did it again, didn’t he?” Steve finally asks and Gareth just nods, he has a defeated expression that Steve knows all too well.
“Just… Go easy on him. You can go up to his room, he’s in 201.”
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
For just one night, Steve lets himself believe that Eddie Munson is going to stay.
He doesn’t care that his heart it’s going to be crushed once he realizes it’s not true. It’s just a small lie, one that Eddie has told too many times. One that Steve has believed too many times.
Eddie’s fingers are cold when they wrap around Steve’s. There’s still all this space between them and Steve just knows it’s not going to take long now. He’s going to break down. Soon. He can already feel the magnetic field that is Eddie, stronger than ever, pulling him in.
Steve doesn’t stand a chance.
“I missed you,” it’s the first crack in his armor. The one he’s been building for years, ever since Eddie walked out of his life. It took Eddie less than an hour to break through it.
“I know, Stevie. I’m so sorry.”
The way Eddie says his name cracks open another hole. Steve had been trying so hard to keep himself together, to keep his heart in one piece. He’s not even sorry to be letting Eddie break him this easy. He’d do it again and again and again if it meant he’d get another minute with Eddie.
Eddie tugs at his hand gently and there’s a question behind it. Steve knows the answer to the question but he pretends to think about it either way. It’s a futile attempt at pretending he has some control over what’s happening right now.
After a minute, Steve relents. He gets up without letting go of Eddie’s hand and he takes two steps towards him. He towers over Eddie as he finds his spot between his legs. Eddie’s fingers trace his hand, sliding up his arm and raising goosebumps all around it.
Without breaking eye contact with Eddie, Steve slowly drops to his knees between his legs. Now Eddie is the one towering over him. He looks at Steve like he’s something precious while he reaches out to push a lock of hair behind Steve’s ear. Steve shivers under the touch and doesn’t look away.
“You’re more beautiful than I remember.”
“You won’t forget it if you stay.” It’s hidden under his words, what Steve really means. ‘You won’t forget me if you stay’ and ‘Please, stay.’
He wants to hear Eddie saying those words, but he knows it would be just a lie. There’s no point in that. So Steve asks something else.
“Will you come to bed with me?”
Eddie cradles Steve’s face between his hands as he nods. They don’t move for a full minute, just staring at each other, and Steve wonders if he can freeze this moment up. If he can live in it forever, just a minute where Eddie won’t leave.
——————
1990 (Eddie is 24, Steve is 24)
Steve turned 24 years old the day Eddie almost died.
Things are not good on Steve’s birthday that year. It’s been a month and a half since Eddie was in the hospital last and Steve simply can’t wipe that night out of his head. He’d barged into the hospital at 5 in the morning, tired after driving down to Chicago without realizing how bad things were.
Eddie had always been a heavy drinker. Steve thinks that the road, the tour, the band… It definitely made it worse, but it has always been there, just waiting to take over. And it scares Steve how quickly it happened.
The first time he was in the hospital things hadn’t been that serious. He was drunk as shit and decided to ride a bike and he ended up falling and hitting his head pretty hard. He stayed the night for observation, ‘cause concussions can be a tricky thing and Steve knows it all too well, but other than that, no harm, no foul. At least, that’s what Eddie insisted on.
And Steve didn’t want to sound like the boring boyfriend he knew he was, so he didn’t say a thing. He was just happy Eddie was ok.
The second time was even less serious. Eddie and the guys were joking around after a show, drunk and high and someone thought it would be funny to play with pool balls. Honestly, Steve can barely believe things didn’t end up worse.
‘It’s a story to tell our kids’ is what Eddie told Steve over the phone, to try and make him worry less. ‘You worry too much, Stevie,’ he said because he knew it would be right up Steve’s weakness. Eddie always knew how to push Steve’s buttons, how to make him agree to whatever Eddie was saying.
The third time, though, it was Steve’s breaking point. Eddie had been drunk and high out of his mind. They had just been offered a deal with a record label that they’d been wanting for so long and Steve gets it. They wanted to celebrate. Everyone was drunk and happy but it was always Eddie that came up with the worst ideas.
This time his idea was a really bad one. They had run out of booze, so Eddie thought it would be cool if he went to grab some. So without anyone realizing - and to this day, Steve has his doubts if that’s true or if it’s just something they told him to make them feel better about it - Eddie grabbed the van keys and he drove straight into a pole.
So when he got to the hospital that day, he had no idea Eddie had broken his leg in five different places. That he had been coming in and out of consciousness ever since the crash. That his surgery was supposed to be a simple one, but it became trickier because of how bad his leg was and how much alcohol and drugs Eddie had ingested that day.
When Steve finally got to Eddie’s room he was sleeping peacefully, the surgery had gone well and he was expected to make a full recovery but Steve was so fucking mad. He was scared and angry and he didn’t know what to do with all that. He didn’t know how to take care of Eddie.
He did what he could.
Steve worked on his finals as Eddie stayed in the hospital and once he was done, he moved Eddie back into his folks’ place, in Hawkins. Away from band stuff, away from tour and drugs and all the craziness of the road. Steve wanted Eddie to have a restful healing time, where he didn’t need to worry about anything because Steve was there. Steve had him.
But things didn’t work out as well as Steve wished. It turned out that Eddie really missed the road, despite the fact that Corroded Coffin was on an official break while he healed. He missed playing, he missed being on his feet. And Steve… He didn’t know what to do, so he just pushed and pushed and pushed until Eddie felt suffocated.
Steve also didn’t realize how addicted to his pain meds Eddie had become.
So things aren’t good on his birthday. Eddie resents Steve for making him come to a city where nothing happens, according to his own words. He promised to be nice on Steve’s birthday and Steve wants to appease him, so he buys a bottle of whisky for them to drink together and celebrate Steve’s new year.
Dinner is fine, Steve cooks a meal for them and Eddie is being nice, he compliments Steve’s cooking and Steve can admit he’s the one to make the first mistake.
“I wouldn’t mind welcoming you home every day with dinner, baby,” Steve says and Eddie smiles politely at him.
“Yeah, it would be nice. Not too possible for the life on the road though.”
Eddie takes another bite of his food but Steve can feel his mood souring. He doesn’t even remember thinking about saying something before it’s already out there.
“Well, but you’re not going to be on the road forever right? I mean, aren’t we supposed to settle down and live a nice life sometime?”
It’s a fight Steve knows he can’t possibly win. It’s not that Eddie doesn’t love Steve or doesn’t want to have a life with him, it’s just that Eddie loves the road too much to possibly consider giving it up. He sees Corroded Coffin being a successful band and he sees Steve just there, right beside him.
It’s not what Steve sees, though. How can he be a teacher while touring with a band? Those two things don’t go together.
“Yeah, baby, of course,” Eddie replies, he’s smiling like that’s the most obvious thing in the world. “When we’re 70 and the band retires. Then we can have a nice home before me and the guys get together for one last tour.”
Steve places his fork down with too much force and it makes a loud clinking sound. Eddie looks up at him and his smile falters.
“You can’t possibly think we’re going to have a long-distance relationship until we’re 70, Eddie.”
Eddie blinks at him like he doesn’t get what Steve’s saying. “Of course not!”
Steve relaxes for a moment, didn’t even realize he was that tense. “Ok, good.”
“After you’re done with College, you’re getting on the road with me, right? You can probably help with merch and stuff during the tour.”
“I… What?”
“I know it’s not ideal, baby. But it’s just until we make it. It’s probably not going to be that long. Then, I’ll have tons of money and you won’t need to worry.”
Steve runs a hand through his hair, this conversation is escalating quickly and he feels like he had too much to drink to be having it.
“What are you saying, Eddie?”
Eddie gestures for Steve to get up and go to him. He is still on bed rest, supposedly, but he’s taking the cast off next week. Steve complies because he’s sure he’s just getting it all wrong and he doesn’t want to fight on his birthday.
“I’m asking you for a little bit more patience, Stevie. But I have it all figured out. When I’m rich and famous, you won’t need to work. You can just hang back and relax and enjoy the show, literally.” Eddie chuckles, he tightens his grip on Steve’s waist and Steve feels like screaming. “No need for that nonsense of being a teacher.”
Steve feels like he’s been slapped. Eddie is just smiling at him like he just said the best thing in the world and Steve has no idea how to make him understand that this is not it. Steve doesn’t want to give up his dream of being a teacher for Eddie to fulfill his own dream. That can’t possibly be their only option.
“You’re not serious,” Steve finally says, Eddie looks confused.
“Of course I am. I want to spend my life with my two true loves. Music and you, baby.”
“If you really think that would be something I’d like, then it’s crystal fucking clear you have no idea who I am,” Steve spits, more aggressively than he means to.
But he’s so fed up. He’s tired of being away from Eddie all the time. He’s tired of worrying, of lying awake wondering what Eddie is doing. He’s tired of going to meet him in hospitals. He’s tired of how much drinking Eddie has been doing.
“What? I… Steve, what’s happening?” Steve wiggles free of his grip and Eddie tries to hold on to him but he can’t get up off of the chair.
“I’m tired of this,” he says and he can see Eddie’s hurt expression but he can’t stop. “I’m tired of you.”
Steve storms off before he can think better of it. He slams the front door because he knows Eddie can’t follow him and he just keeps walking until he can calm his heart a bit. He has no idea what is happening to him and Eddie. They always were so in sync with each other and now Steve feels like he doesn’t even know who Eddie is.
He walks for an hour, trying to get his thoughts back into place. He feels the alcohol wearing off of him and when he’s back in front of his house, he feels like shit. They could’ve talked about it like adults, Steve could’ve told Eddie he’s just not up to giving up his dream. He’s sure they both can compromise in some way, and make it work.
Eddie and Steve came from such different places and they just fit together. They are just meant to be. Steve is sure of it. So he walks back into his house determined to apologize. To get things right, to talk through it with Eddie, and just make sure they are ok.
But the house is so quiet that it gives Steve chills. Eddie is not a quiet person, he’s just not wired like that. He’s always moving, making some kind of noise, talking to himself if he’s alone.
Steve walks in carefully. His heart starts beating in his throat because, for a minute, he’s afraid Eddie has left. He has no idea what he would do if Eddie left him, it gives him an almost paralyzing fear. But he knows Eddie’s leg is still in bad shape and he sees his things still scattered around the house. One boot - cause that’s all he gets to wear these days - a jacket, a pile of books. Eddie wouldn’t leave without that.
Eddie wouldn’t leave Steve. Steve knows it in his bones because that was one of his biggest fears from the start. Everyone is always leaving him. But Eddie kissed him and promised him he wouldn’t leave and Steve believes him.
Maybe Eddie is just sleeping.
Steve is at the end of the stairs, ready to climb them and go check the bedroom when something gets his attention. The lights in the dining room are all out, but there’s still the faint light of a candle burning. Steve walks up there to blow it out and his foot catches in something.
Someone .
Eddie is lying on the floor, completely out. Steve approaches him with shaking hands and when he turns his body around he can see a big gash on his forehead. There’s a dark stain on his mom’s carpet and he finally realizes it is blood. Eddie’s blood.
“Eddie? Eddie, wake up.” He shakes him but Eddie doesn’t move. For a second Steve thinks he’s… But then, he sees his chest moving. Barely, but it’s there. He gets up and starts looking for the phone, bile rising up in his throat but he needs to keep it together, he needs to help Eddie.
The ambulance takes 20 minutes to get there, and Steve rides in the back with Eddie, trying to calm himself a little. The first responder is asking him a lot of questions that he doesn’t know the answers to. And then, he asks one that makes Steve stop.
“What did he take?” Steve doesn’t get the question.
“Nothing. We were just having dinner and I left for a moment and then he collapsed. What’s wrong with him?”
“Son,” the man says and Steve doesn’t like his tone. “How much alcohol did he drink? And what else did he take?”
Steve scrunches up his face, willing his brain to cooperate. He wants to yell at this man because what the fuck is he even asking? But then Steve remembers. The bottle of whisky all drained up, smashed on the floor. And the bottle of pills sitting empty on the dinner table. Every single one of Eddie’s pain meds gone.
It dawns on Steve for the first time that Eddie did this on purpose.
Steve rides with Eddie to the hospital wishing and praying that he’d be ok. Promising himself that he’s done with all this bullshit happening between them. The fights and the drama. He needs to do better and he will, for him and Eddie. He will help Eddie do better. He doesn’t ever want to go back to a hospital with Eddie and he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure that doesn’t happen again.
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
It’s like a dance he hasn’t practiced in a while but can never forget the steps to. He knows it all too well, how to be with Eddie, how to make their bodies fit together. It’s the familiarity of it all that cracks his armor completely, that sends all its pieces flying around, completely forgotten to the point Steve’s not even sure why he had it up in the first place.
It’s the way Eddie gets up still holding Steve close like he can’t even fathom the idea of them being an inch apart. The way Eddie tucks a lock of Steve’s hair behind his ear, again, before his hands travel down his body, to grasp at his hips, to gesture to Steve to get closer.
Steve does it because he’s helpless not to. He lets Eddie lift him and he wraps his legs around Eddie’s middle and finds his place in Eddie’s hands once again like it never ceased to be Steve’s.
“I missed you,” Steve murmurs, burying his face in Eddie’s hair, inhaling him in, wishing Eddie would fill up his lungs, and consume him completely from the inside out. “I love you,” He says, voice even lower, barely a whisper. Wishing his words get buried in Eddie’s skin. Wishing they can be air and blood and heart. That they can crash and burn, as long as they stay together.
Eddie walks Steve to the bedroom as if he owns the place and Steve knows it’s ‘cause he owns Steve’s heart. He knows all the secrets, all the twists and turns inside of Steve. He mapped Steve first and no one else had ever been able to find their way around him. At least, not like Eddie.
Eddie knows him so well and that’s why it’s so easy for him to break Steve down. To build him back up. Steve wishes, hopes, and prays that Eddie is not going to break him again.
When they get to Steve’s bedroom, his heart is beating so fast Steve thinks it might beat right out of his chest. An open wound, raw and real. His heart laying bare for Eddie to do as he pleases.
Eddie places him on the bed so gently that Steve feels like he’s made of glass. He watches Steve with the hunger of a starving person, like someone that was lost in the desert for months before being found but Steve’s not sure if he is the one who found Eddie or if it’s the other way around.
He lifts Steve’s hand to him and drops a kiss on his pulse point. He trails Steve’s arm with soft kisses and warm lips. Once he’s done, he goes for the other arm and does the same thing as if he’s worshipping Steve even though he doesn’t deserve it.
Eddie pushes Steve’s shirt up his torso and he drops a kiss there, it’s innocent and naughty at the same time. Steve grabs at him, at what he can. His hair and his shirt and he pulls, pulls, pulls. There’s desperation growing inside of him.
“Eddie,” Steve is panting, completely out of breath. “Eds,” he croaks out, voice weak, breaking, desperate. “Eds, kiss me,” he pleads and there’s a light behind Eddie’s eyes like he was just waiting for Steve to ask.
“Whatever you want, baby. I’m yours.” When Eddie calls him that, it sends a shock through his body. It’s the first time Steve notices how much he missed it. That word rolling off of his tongue, aimed at Steve. Pointed straight to his heart, ready to find its target.
“Say it again,” Steve asks and Eddie leans down, and lets his lips brush against Steve’s.
“I’m yours, Stevie,” Eddie says, pressing a kiss on one of Steve’s cheeks. “No one else’s,” he moves to the other, and presses another kiss. “Only ever yours, baby.”
Finally, their lips meet and Steve sighs happily. They are warm and soft and right and his . Eddie kisses him slowly, like they have all the time in the world. Steve lets his fingers curl around Eddie’s hair, he pulls him in, closer. Then he wraps his legs around him again and their bodies crash together and for the first time, Steve notices how hard he is.
Eddie must notice it too because he grinds down on Steve, their erections pressed together and they both know it’s not enough. It’s not even close to enough. The kiss changes, it was slow and soft and it becomes quick and demanding, and deep.
Steve parts his lips so Eddie can push his tongue in, and he holds Eddie’s lower lip between his teeth, he rolls it around, biting down at it and there’s a sound on the back of Eddie’s throat. There’s a need Steve knows all too well too.
“I need you,” Steve says once Eddie lets go of his mouth and start trailing kisses down his jaw and neck. “I need you, Eds.”
“You’ve got me, baby.”
——————
1991 (Eddie is 25, Steve is 24)
Steve’s so happy he thinks he’s going to explode. He’s almost done with his last semester of school. He’s going to graduate and then he’s going to take a break, just six months so he can be with Eddie and so they can talk about their options for the future. Steve still doesn’t want to give up his dream of being a teacher, but he’s ready to compromise on something for their sake.
He still hasn’t told Eddie he’s going to take this break so they can be together and he plans on telling him today.
After Eddie’s last incident that led him to the hospital, things finally started to get better. Steve guesses it’s how they say, you need to hit rock bottom before you can find your way up again. And it’s not easy, but somehow they managed.
Corroded Coffin signed a deal with a label and the boys are finishing up their first album. They are planning a big move to Los Angeles, just so they can be closer to where the music scene is strongest and Steve is determined to move there with Eddie if they decide this is what’s best.
The good thing about being a teacher is that they have schools everywhere and Steve thinks he can be happy in California. He knows he can be happy as long as he is where Eddie is.
After the last incident, Eddie committed to going to rehab. It didn’t need to be for long, but both he and Steve agreed that he needed to get things under control and Steve was so fucking proud of his boyfriend. He was doing so well.
So Steve decided to visit Eddie to watch their last show as an opening act before they had their own album out. Before they could go and take the world by storm like the rockstars Steve knew they would be.
Steve is buzzing with energy as he steps down from the plane, happy to be in California. Happy to be closer to Eddie than he’d been for the past months.
They had seen each other last back in February when Eddie surprised Steve on Valentine’s day with a date straight out of a rom-com. He picked Steve up from his last class of the day on Thursday with flowers and chocolates and the greatest smile Steve has ever seen.
He took Steve to dinner in a fancy place, paid with his own money from the label contract, smiling from ear to ear. He looked gorgeous in an all-black outfit without ever losing his rockstar edge. If Steve wasn’t in love with him already, he’d definitely fall in love with him right there.
Then, he brought Steve home and made love to him the whole night. Eddie had fucked Steve dumb, holding on to him and whispering in his ear how much he loved him.
It had been quite the perfect weekend, in Steve’s opinion.
So he’s hoping to return the favor with his own surprise. He can stay for the weekend but then he needs to go back for his finals, but it’s just a quick break until he can go back and just be with Eddie for good. For how long Eddie will have him.
He mentioned he was going only to Corroded Coffin’s manager, so there’s a car waiting for Steve at the airport and it’s going to take him straight to the concert venue, where the band is already warming up for the show. Steve’s buzzing with energy, trying to picture how happy Eddie will be to see him. How great it’s going to be to see the band live again, ‘cause Steve knows it’s been a while since he saw them playing last and he misses it.
Steve gets there and the driver gives him his VIP badge, so he can walk backstage with no problem. He finds a place to leave his things and asks around until someone tells him the band is up on stage doing soundcheck.
He goes there and gets to just watch the band without them realizing he’s there. He doesn’t want to intrude and he can definitely wait around until they are done. Steve knows they have a couple of hours before the show to just chill for a bit and that’s when he plans on showing himself.
Steve is absolutely amazed by the band. They were good ever since the first time Steve saw them playing, back when he and Eddie were still in high school and Steve didn’t realize what he felt for him was a big ass crush. Looking back, he’s almost embarrassed by the memory, by how badly he wanted Eddie back then, but if it brought him right here, where he can just be with Eddie, then Steve is glad he did some embarrassing things.
But the new label and all the hard work they’ve been doing are definitely paying off because Corroded Coffin is getting exponentially better and Steve feels a bubble of pride in his chest. He sticks around for most of the soundcheck, and when they’re almost done, Steve sneaks backstage again and goes straight into their dressing room so he can just casually be there to welcome them.
He sits around for longer than he expected, but figures they probably got caught up dealing with things for the show later and now he’s afraid he’s going to mess up the surprise if he leaves the dressing room so he just stays. The clock there says it’s been at least an hour when someone finally walks in
Much to Steve’s disappointment, it’s not Eddie but Gareth that walks in. He looks as surprised as Steve.
“Steve, hey!” He awkwardly goes to where Steve is and side-hugs him. “Didn’t know you were coming.”
“Yeah, I wanted to surprise Eddie.” Gareth smiles at him but it doesn’t strike Steve as genuine. “He’s going to like it, right? That I’m here?” Suddenly he’s overcome by self-doubt, but Gareth is quick to place a hand on his shoulder and squeeze it.
“Of course he’s going to like it, Steve! He’s been missing you like crazy.”
This time, Gareth’s smile feels more real and Steve is relieved. “Ok, Good. Now, where is he?”
“He’s by the instrument room, just making sure everything is good to go.”
Steve thanks Gareth and he’s out of the room as quickly as he can. The itch to see his boyfriend is growing exponentially with how close he gets to him.
When he finally walks into the instrument room, he immediately spots Eddie. He’s sitting in a corner with his guitar in his hands, just strumming some notes. He’s already dressed up for the show and he looks like a dream.
“Hey, gorgeous,” Steve calls when Eddie doesn’t even divert from his guitar. Finally, those brown eyes look up and lock with Steve’s and for just a moment it’s like time stands still for them.
“Baby!” Eddie is on his feet in an instant, almost running towards Steve, crashing into him. Steve almost loses his balance, but he does his best to hold Eddie in his arms, feeling giddy with happiness. Finally, they are together again and Steve doesn’t want to let go.
Eddie showers him with kisses all around his face before burying himself in Steve’s arms, sighing happily. “I missed you so much, baby,” he says, voice muffled by the fact that he’s pressing his face in Steve’s neck. Steve laughs, he feels dizzy with how good all this is.
“I missed you too, Eds. You have no idea how much.”
Eddie starts kissing Steve’s neck with a hunger Steve feels too. It pools in his belly and he lets Eddie push him backward until his back hits the door and then Eddie is on his knees, unbuttoning Steve’s jeans.
Steve thinks about protesting, but Eddie is palming him through his underwear already and he’s half-hard, sighing from how good it feels after months of only having his own hand.
“I’ll show you how much I missed you, Stevie.” Eddie’s voice is low and before Steve can even react, his jeans and his underwear are pooling on his ankles, and Eddie’s breath is hot on his erection. Steve buries his hand in Eddie’s hair and gasps when he opens his mouth and swallows him whole.
There’s no denying how good Eddie is at sucking Steve off and there’s definitely no denying how badly that makes Steve squirm and shudder under his touch. Eddie licks and sucks and bobs his head like there’s nothing more important than having Steve’s dick in his mouth.
Eddie slides off his dick with a loud pop and watches Steve through his eyelashes, a smirk growing on his face.
“Baby, c’mon. Fuck my face like you mean it.” The bastard knows he doesn’t have to ask twice, not when his words travel straight to Steve’s dick and make it twitch.
He grabs Eddie by the hair and pulls his head forward until he opens his mouth back again to swallow all of him. Then, Steve holds him still as he thrusts forward. He feels his dick hitting the back of Eddie’s throat and it’s a heady, overwhelming thing.
Steve knows he’s not going to last long and he doesn’t mind it that much. He and Eddie are going to have the whole weekend to show how much they missed the other, in how many positions they want, how many times they can handle and Steve knows Eddie can handle a lot.
“Eds, no one takes my cock like you, baby.” Eddie groans, his lips shiny and beautifully stretched around Steve and he knows not many things can beat a vision like that. His boyfriend on his knees for him, his hands digging into his ass, trying to hold onto something as Eddie sucks Steve’s soul through his dick.
But Eddie is not one to just take it without giving something in return, so Steve feels his long fingers spreading his cheeks, just teasing at his hole and when Steve moves forward again, he cums down Eddie’s throat. Eddie pulls back a little so Steve’s cum can pool in his mouth properly, so he can taste him and Steve knows just how much he likes it.
Steve lets his full weight drop against the door behind him, his breathing erratic as he comes down from his orgasm. Eddie watches him, hair completely messy from Steve’s fingers, as he swallows his cum and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.
After a minute, Eddie gets back on his feet, smiling as he finally leans in and kisses Steve on the mouth. It’s a sweet, almost chaste, kiss at first, but then Eddie urges Steve to open his mouth and he can taste his own release on his boyfriend’s tongue.
“Hey,” Eddie says, a little out of breath. “I liked that surprise. You should surprise me more often.”
Steve laughs as he laces Eddie by the waist so he can’t get away. “If that’s how you’re going to welcome me, then I definitely should.”
They kiss again for a minute, but Eddie has to go get ready - again, thanks to Steve - for the show so they both leave the room to go find the rest of the band. Steve is a little tired from the travel, so he excuses himself to find a place to nap for a moment. He plans on enjoying the show and then enjoying his boyfriend all night, so the rest is well-needed.
Steve finds his place in front of the stage just when Corroded Coffin is about to go in. Eddie looks gorgeous as always up there, trained fingers strumming his guitar and it takes Steve a moment to realize something is off.
Then, is crystal fucking clear as he watches him chugging on a water bottle during one of their breaks; that’s no water bottle. Eddie is just fucking drunk.
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
The memories keep clawing at Steve’s mind, trying to be remembered. Trying to force him to see how badly this will go. How badly this once went. Steve pushes it back down, out of sight, back into the dark corners of his head. He refuses to think about that, not when Eddie is standing in front of him completely naked, hungry eyes set on him like he’s prey.
Not when he missed the taste of his skin and is so close to remembering how it feels to be filled by Eddie.
Steve would let Eddie prey on him even if it destroys him.
But Eddie is in no rush tonight. Not like he was the last time he went on his knees for Steve, desperately trying to mask the taste of alcohol in his tongue so Steve wouldn’t know he was drunk. Steve knows it this time, and he lets Eddie do it anyway.
Eddie walks slowly towards Steve, a smirk he knows so well already on his face.
“Like what you’re seeing, Stevie?” Steve can only nod, mouth watering with the sight of Eddie’s half-hard dick. With the promise behind his teasing words.
Eddie peels off Steve’s sweatpants slowly like he’s opening a gift on Christmas morning and it’s already making Steve squirm. Eddie’s smile grows bigger once he sees Steve’s not wearing anything else underneath it, his dick already popping free.
He hooks Steve’s legs on his arms and pulls Steve forward, bending his legs slightly so he has just the right angle. Steve taps his shoulder, offering him a bottle of lube, and Eddie winks at him.
“So eager, baby,” he’s teasing, but he complies quickly like he knows Steve can’t wait anymore. The bottle makes a pop sound when Eddie opens it and soon the cold liquid is dripping straight into Steve’s hole, while Eddie still holds his legs in place.
When his first finger enters Steve, he groans in pleasure. “Eds,”
“I know, baby. I’ll give you what you want.”
“I need you,” Steve says, brain already foggy with pleasure. Almost overwhelmed by being touched by Eddie when Steve was sure it was never going to happen again.
“I’m here.”
“You know what I mean.” Steve gasps as Eddie inserts the second finger, pumping in and out of him at a merciless slow pace like he just wants Steve to go completely crazy.
“I don’t,” Eddie says, he locks eyes with Steve without stopping. “Use your words, baby. Tell me.”
Steve moans low, in the back of his throat. Eddie always knows exactly how to get him going. He knows exactly what to say.
“Fuck me, Eddie. Fuck me until I forget my name,” Steve begs. He bites back the rest of his sentence because Eddie just added a third finger and Steve knows he’d stop if Steve said what he wanted. Eddie would leave if Steve begged him to fuck him until he forgot all about Eddie. But it’s what he wants and it’s what he hopes for.
“You don’t gotta ask twice, Stevie,” Eddie says, increasing his pace a little, just enough to get Steve nice and open for him.
It doesn’t take him long now; soon enough, Eddie removes his fingers and coats his dick with lube before he lines it up with Steve’s hole. In this position, Eddie is towering over him, but Steve knows he likes it ‘cause he can look at Steve while he takes him apart. Eddie always had a need to watch Steve break.
When Eddie finally sinks inside of him, Steve almost sees stars. There’s nowhere he’d rather be and at the same time, he wishes he could be anywhere else in the world, just so he wouldn’t hurt so bad when he’s alone again.
“Eddie,” he moans, unable to control himself.
“Tell me how you want me.”
“Harder,” Steve pleads and Eddie complies. He always does. He goes harder, taking his dick almost completely out before sinking back all the way in. Sets up a relentless pace that slowly turns Steve’s brain into mush. He doesn’t mind.
“Touch yourself for me, Stevie.” Steve does. He wraps his hand on his own cock, spreading the pre cum so it slides nicely, and tries to match the rhythm with Eddie’s. They get lost in each other’s eyes and Steve feels full, happy, dumb.
“I love you,” Steve says, feeling his orgasm getting close. He needs to say it now because he won’t have the courage to say it after.
“I love you, baby.”
The words send shocks through Steve’s whole body and he cums before he can even register it, shooting straight into his belly and torso, making a mess of himself. Eddie’s hungry eyes don’t leave him, and he thrusts one, two, three more times before he empties himself inside of Steve.
Eddie lets go of Steve’s leg and lets Steve stretch them out. He moves to get up, but Steve can’t have that. He pulls Eddie in and there’s just a second of hesitancy before Eddie is climbing the bed beside Steve, wrapping his body firmly.
He pushes Steve’s damp hair out of his forehead and drops a kiss there and it hurts because of how intimate that feels. Steve lets it sting, lets the pain spread and he holds onto it because it means he can hold onto Eddie just for this night.
“I never loved anyone else but you,” Eddie says as he pulls Steve flush against his chest, as he kisses his shoulder so softly that it’s bound to leave a bruise. It’s going to be invisible, but Steve will know it’s there.
Steve wants to reply but he doesn’t know what to say. He started his night wanting to send Eddie away and now he wants to beg him to stay.
“If you love me, stay,” Steve whispers, he can feel his eyes prickling, tears he knows will fall, now or when the bed’s empty and all there’s left is Eddie’s scent on his comforter.
“Shh, baby,” Eddie soothes him, his hands clasped together around Steve’s middle as if he owns him. And maybe he does. “Go to sleep.”
“Eddie.”
“I’ll be here when you wake up, baby. I promise. Now go to sleep.”
Steve wants to argue, but he’s so very tired. He feels his own body going soft, giving space for sleep to take over. At some point, he feels one of Eddie’s hands letting go and then something damp on his skin, scrubbing at his chest and stomach. He wants to protest, he wants to cry.
He ends up falling asleep on Eddie’s arm, wishing he could wake up to realize it was all a dream. Wishing he could go back to 1991 and prevent Eddie from walking away from him.
——————
1991 (Eddie is 25, Steve is 24)
Steve really thought he could be mature about that. That he and Eddie could have a nice talk about it, maybe Eddie would apologize, say he’s sorry, that he slipped but it’s not going to happen again. It’s not what he says, though.
“Why do you keep trying to control my life?” Eddie gestures impatiently like he’s a kid who got caught doing something he shouldn’t and Steve tries not to overanalyze it. He doesn’t want to parent Eddie despite knowing damn well he has a tendency to do it.
But it’s literally his life. Eddie is a menace to his own life if he keeps going like that. And Steve… He can’t handle it. The thought of losing Eddie because he didn’t try hard enough.
“I’m not . I’m trying to save you from yourself.”
“Well, no one asked you to. So don’t,” Eddie raises his voice at the end and Steve freezes up in place. He knew he was pushing Eddie too hard about it but he didn’t think Eddie was going to push him away so easily.
“You don’t mean that,” Steve tries because he won’t give up. He won’t leave Eddie.
“I do, Steve. I fucking do. I’ve been trying to go back to my life and you just keep getting in the way.”
Somehow, this sounds worse than Eddie asking Steve to stop trying.
“I… I’m sorry? It’s not my intention but I can’t sit back and watch you tear yourself apart because of the tour and this band.”
“Can’t you see, Steve? It’s all I have. I don’t have a fancy degree my daddy paid for. I don’t have a fucking place to drop dead. All I’ve got is this fucking chance and if you don’t think I’m going to try my best-“
“You’ve got me,” Steve says, almost shyly. His voice is small and he looks down at his feet because he can’t possibly look Eddie in the eyes right now. “Am I not enough?”
He knows it’s an unfair question. He knows he wouldn’t ever be enough for Eddie because Eddie dreams big and loud. He wants more than what’s been assigned to him and he won’t stop until he gets it all. Even if it kills him.
But Steve’s question does make Eddie stop dead, caught like a deer in headlights.
“You know that’s not…” Eddie tries first, but it’s like he’s recalculating inside his brain. “What do you want from me, Steve?”
“I need you to compromise, Eddie.”
Eddie is in defense mode. It’s not ideal for the conversation they are having, but at least he dropped the attack stance he had going on.
“Ok. How do I do that? Are you going to compromise too?”
Steve sighs. “Yeah, of course. I’m going to take a couple of months off after I graduate so we can be together on the road. Maybe get a sense of what the routine is like and where the band is planning to set up permanently.”
“LA, probably,” Eddie adds and shrugs.
“Yeah, so then I’m probably going to move to LA. I can have my own place if you and the boys are going to be living together and then we can discuss having a place together if things work out.”
Steve doesn’t mean if they work out. He means if the band and the contract and the label work out.
“Ok,” Eddie says, a little uncertain. But Steve can see his eyes glinting. He probably didn’t expect Steve to give in so easily. He probably underestimates how much Steve loves him.
“Yeah?” He takes a tentative step towards Eddie, grabs his hand, and squeezes it. Eddie smiles at him. “So that’s my compromise.”
Eddie blinks for a second before he understands what Steve means. “Ok. Sounds fair. What do you want from me?”
It’s not exactly what Steve wants, for him to decide something that Eddie should compromise on. But he’s too eager. He knows what would be a good compromise.
“You could go to rehab again. Maybe stay for a little while longer. Maybe this thing is more of a problem than we thought it was.”
The silence after Steve says that is excruciating . Eddie is just looking at him, a deep frown between his brows. Maybe he’s just thinking about, considering his options.
“No,” When Eddie says it, there’s a finality to it that Steve doesn’t like.
“I… What do you mean?”
“Rehab is for people that have a problem and I don’t have a problem. I drink for fun, I drink because being on the road is supposed to be fun. But I guess you wouldn’t know anything about it.”
Steve pulls his hand away from Eddie’s like he’s been burned. He knows Eddie tends to lash out when he gets cornered, but it doesn’t make it hurt less.
“Ok,” Steve agrees, trying to placate him a little. “No rehab. That’s fine. Maybe you could just… I don’t know, drink less? I’ll be around more and we can have fun without being drunk.”
Eddie crosses his arms in front of his body, he’s clearly not happy. “Steve, no. I don’t think I can do that. Partying and going out and meeting new people… It’s all part of touring. If I don’t drink with them, if I don’t party with them, I won’t fit in.”
Steve wants to argue with that, he knows booze is not mandatory for someone to have fun, but his brain gets caught up in something else.
“Why do you want to meet new people, Eddie?”
“I don’t… Steve, you know that’s not what I mean.”
“Do I?” Steve crosses his arm too. His heart is beating like crazy. Sure, rationally he knows Eddie wouldn’t cheat on him. The man only has eyes for Steve and he knows that. But he thinks Steve is not fun, he thinks Steve doesn’t love him enough to make compromises. What if he doesn’t love Steve enough?
“That’s frankly offensive. Of course you know that. I just… Meeting new people is part of the job, Steve. It’s how I met our manager, how we found our label.”
Steve knows all of that. He’s never been the jealous type. Who cares if his boyfriend walks in on stage every night looking like a wet dream, swinging his guitar around, flashing that smile that Steve loves so much? Who cares if he goes out to parties, if he meets new, interesting people every day?
Steve doesn’t care . It doesn’t bother him. But he’s feeling insecure, he’s sad, and lonely and he’s upset his boyfriend was drinking when he kept saying he wasn’t. When he promised he wouldn’t. He just needs reassurance. He just needs something to be sure.
“Yeah. I know that, Eds.” Steve starts and Eddie’s expression softens. Like maybe he’s won the argument. But Steve is not done. “But if you really love me… You would stop drinking. For me. For us. I can’t… I won’t survive if I have to find you like that again.”
Eddie knows exactly what Steve means. He has to. Steve has said again and again how scary it was, to see Eddie like that, unconscious, bleeding. Eddie must see how much that means to Steve. He doesn’t care if Eddie goes partying every day, he just doesn’t want him to end up at the hospital again. He knows he won’t survive going through it again.
But somehow, Eddie just doesn’t get it. “No, Steve. You’re being very manipulative right now and I can’t promise you that. I love you, but I won’t stop drinking. It’s part of my job.”
It’s not, Steve wants to yell. Instead, he says, “I won’t let you drink yourself to death.”
“Jesus, you’re dramatic. I’m not going to do that. I know exactly what I’m doing.”
“Eddie. Eds. I can’t… I need this. I can’t go on if you can’t compromise about it.”
Eddie looks at him, long and hard. Like he’s considering Steve, like he’s analyzing if he means it. And he should know by now, of course Steve means it.
But maybe Eddie is not considering him. Maybe he’s just committing Steve to memory, making sure he memorizes him before walking away from him.
“Then you should just leave, Steve.”
——————
1996 (Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)
Eddie is true to his word and is, in fact, right next to Steve when he wakes up at almost 11 in the morning. Steve doesn’t remember the last time he slept so well and if he really thinks about it he’s scared he’s going to conclude it was the last time he slept next to Eddie.
So he definitely doesn’t think about it.
“Morning, baby.” Eddie’s voice is soft as he presses a kiss on top of Steve’s head. Steve snuggles even closer to Eddie, wrapping his hands around him and burying his face in his stomach. Steve doesn’t want this night to end because he doesn’t want to face reality.
Five years ago, Eddie walked away from them because he wouldn’t compromise to not drink anymore. To take a step back. To take care of himself.
Steve still remembers how much it hurt to hear Eddie say that he should leave. He remembers feeling like he was drowning, unable to come up with something to say back. Knowing fully well there wasn’t anything else he could do to help Eddie if he didn’t want to help himself.
Knowing he couldn’t possibly make himself watch as Eddie slowly wasted away in front of him.
Steve walked out wishing Eddie would go after him. He packed his bags thinking it was only a matter of time before Eddie would show up and beg him to stay. Steve gave Eddie everything he had and Eddie walked away from them, from him , because he couldn’t give up drinking. Because he couldn’t even try.
Steve got back home and cried for hours curled up in Robin’s lap. She comforted him in the way she could, she stayed with him through the worst of it, through the days Steve wouldn’t even leave his bedroom. Steve doesn’t even remember getting up to get to his finals. He doesn’t remember doing the tests and he has no clue how he actually graduated.
It must’ve been Robin.
He stayed in Indy for six more months, the exact same time he was going to take off of his life and give it to Eddie. Steve kept his word, he compromised. He stayed in Indy and worked in a couple of different places just to keep himself busy.
He stayed because he thought there was still a chance Eddie might show up. Eddie knew where he lived, so in any given moment of those six months Eddie could’ve shown up at Steve’s doorstep and Steve would’ve taken him back, no questions asked.
Exactly six months from the day Eddie broke up with him, Steve ended his leasing contract and bought a one-way ticket to New York, rented this apartment, and never heard from Eddie ever again.
“How’d you find out where I live?” Steve asks, taking Eddie completely by surprise. He frowns.
“… Robin.”
“She would never betray me like that,” Steve says in a mock tone and Eddie smiles at him.
“You’re cute, babe. And I’m very persuasive.” Eddie’s smile grows bigger and Steve rolls his eyes “I got her tickets to the sold-out Fiona Apple concert.”
“Oh, you play dirty .”
And the way Eddie laughs. Steve wants to wrap the sound around itself and live in it forever. It’s precious and sweet and so genuine.
He wants to ask Eddie how he’s been. Sure, Steve has been seeing things on the news sometimes. It’s not that he goes looking for information about the band or anything, but Eddie and Corroded Coffin are famous enough that the information seems to find Steve instead.
He knows they are growing like crazy. Knows their second album was a smash hit, and broke all the records. He knows their third studio album is in the works, being one of the most anticipated albums of 1997.
But he doesn’t know how Eddie has been.
Eddie beats him to it, though.
“How are you, Stevie? And don’t lie. I can tell when you’re lying.”
Steve sighs. “I’ve been good. Really good.”
The scary part is that it’s true. Steve has been teaching at a school nearby his apartment for four years now. It was the second place he applied to work in when he moved to New York and he really loves it there. He gets to teach kids between 8 and 14, he has a nice apartment, and travels to visit Robin back in Indy three times a year - she comes to him three more and that’s how they cope with being apart.
Steve wants to ask Eddie back how he’s been. But he knows he can’t. He knows the longer this goes on the harder it will be for him to walk away from it again. And he knows that’s what he needs to do.
But yet again, it’s like Eddie knows exactly what Steve’s thinking because he leans down and steals a kiss from him, lips soft and sweet. Steve hums happily and he can sense Eddie smiling.
“You would’ve made me so happy, Stevie,” is what Eddie says when he breaks the kiss. “If I hadn’t fucked everything up, you would’ve made me the happiest guy on earth.”
It’s like Eddie is wrapping barbed wire around Steve’s heart. Constricting, suffocating him. Steve thinks about how happy they would’ve been often. He knows Eddie is not saying it to be mean, just ‘cause it’s true.
“Yeah. I would’ve, Eddie.”
It’s the first sad smile he sees on Eddie’s face since they woke up. Steve knows it’s just mirroring his own.
“You’ve been drinking.” Steve comments. It’s not judgmental and he knows Eddie appreciates it. It’s just a fact.
“Yeah. That’s why I can’t stay, Stevie. That’s why I can’t have you back.”
“I wouldn’t take you back.” Steve lies and Eddie is kind enough to pretend he believes him.
“I still love you,” Eddie says and it’s shy, like he’s afraid Steve’s going to be mad about it. But how could he? How could Steve be mad about hearing the words he missed the most? No one loved Steve ever since Eddie and he’s not sure anyone ever will. He’s not sure he wants anyone else to love him.
“I still love you too, Eddie.” I love you so much that I let you break my heart over and over again.
Steve has so much he wants to say, still. He wishes Eddie would’ve looked for him earlier. He wishes Eddie would’ve never looked for him. He wants Eddie to stay but he needs him to go. He feels like he’s never going to get over his love for Eddie. He feels like he doesn’t want to ever get over him.
He’s scared Eddie is going to forget him. He’s scared Eddie is going to love somebody else. He is scared Eddie is going to leave but he’s even more scared that Eddie is going to stay .
“You should leave,” Steve finally manages. He can feel his throat tight and his eyes prickling. He can hear his heart shattering once again.
Eddie nods. He’s good at fighting, doesn’t back down as easily as people assume. But he knows when to quit.
He doesn’t kiss Steve on the mouth again and Steve’s not sure he wishes he had. Instead, Eddie leans down and kisses the top of his head, murmurs another I love you before stepping back, away from Steve.
Steve closes his eyes. He can’t possibly watch Eddie walk away without getting utterly and completely ruined. So he listens, instead. He listens as Eddie gathers up his clothes and put on his boots. He listens as Eddie leaves the bedroom and goes into the living room. And he listens, so closely, as Eddie presses the intercom button and walks himself out of Steve’s apartment and out of his life once and for all.