Work Text:
The blade stung, shook you to your core as it slid further and further into your skin. The pain sickly intoxicating as a harsh crimson rose around the tip of the blade, the edges of your skin turning an unnaturally pale white.
You were empty, a void inside you that needed filling. One you had become accustomed to filling with pain and yet the flesh and blood that kept you alive suffocated you, left no room for emotions and crushed you lungs like a vice.
Your wrists burned, a warm trickle of blood sliding down the sides of your arms just as salty tears did your cheeks, gathering at the corners of your mouth.
The bathroom floor was hard and cold against your skin grounding, and almost comforting, as you sat here most lonely nights. You almost felt a connection to it, you knew when you relocated to a new base some part of you would waver unsure of what exactly you were missing. but you would move on fast, accepting whatever private space was given to you that you could hide in while trembling and spilling blood on your clothes.
Nearly your whole life you had spent focusing your broken and unstable energy into something physical, something to prove the pain, the pain you felt but that no one would believe until they saw your mangled and bloodied wrists.
You liked the scars, they were the only thing that would stay with you, an uneasy feeling in your stomach whenever you were clean and caught a glimpse of the fading scars that covered your wrists.
And here you were sitting against the hard tile floor of your small (and shared) bathroom, nestled in a corner you had nearly grown fond of by how frequently you visited it. The blood still beaded at the surface of your broken skin but slowed significantly as you sobbed, a light headed feeling you had become familiar with.
It always replaced the nothingness, overwhelming you with what almost felt like regret as your heart pounded in your ears deafeningly loud.
You held the knife in your shaking hand as you felt a tear fall onto your arm, merging with a bead of blood and sending a deep burning sensation through your arm.
A soft knock at the bathroom door drew your attention away from the all too familiar stinging, this wasn’t the first time you had been interrupted while doing this.
You weren’t worried as your voice was hardly affected by your persistent tears, over the years you had become good at masking the sorrow in your voice.
The small lock on the door kept you safe,
only it didn’t .
You hadn’t locked the door.
A jolt of fear rushed through you as you scrambled to get to your feet, the knife clattering on the floor loudly, making you flinch and curse at yourself briefly in your panicked state.
The person on the other side of the door was saying something, but you couldn’t hear it over your pounding heart and the nauseatingly loud sound of your blood dripping onto the floor in a steady rhythm.
you ripped open every drawer and cabinet in the small room, panic rushing through you as you remember the blood stained bandages you usually had on hand were in fact not tucked away into the back of a drawer, but were instead instead lazily shoved under your bed after a long night and a quick thought to grab them in the morning.
The voice was familiar as it got more rushed, a nervous edge to it. You stood completely still, like a deer in headlights as you tried to make out the words being said behind the door but the blood rushing in your ears and the agonizing drip of your blood hindered you.
Time seemed to slow as you could hear the door knob turning, your hands clenching around the counter as your knuckles turned white.
You turned to the door with your eyes wide and glazed over with still rushing tears. The few seconds it took for the door to open felt like decades, the only sound you could hear was your blood dripping.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
and of course it was him,
god of course it was.
You could see his face twist into a look of horror as you helplessly stared up at him. You watched his eyes dart around your little shared space, spotting the bloodied knife on the floor, the mess of blood still dripping all over you and the sink, and finally the helpless expression you gave him as his own eyes seemed to gloss over.
“I’m sorry.” You whispered, your voice faltering as you collapsed to the floor.
“I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry I- I didn’t mean to I..” your eyes locked with the mess of blood in front of you, too scared to look at könig, who you had blatantly lied to so many times all to hide your pathetic habit.
“liebling, I- I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner.” You could barely make out a quiet swear in german as he looked around frantically. You had looked up at him without realizing, your face full of confusion.
You wondered why he was apologizing, you knew he did it frequently even when whatever it was he was so sorry for was out of hands. You watched as he pulled a med kit from his side of the shared bathroom out of a small drawer and hastily opened it.
You watched his hands, tried to catch all the intricate movements of his fingers as he rummaged through the kit. Quite quickly, he pulled out cotton pads, gauze, and elastic bandages.
All items you had become used too seeing blood soaked, a soft sting as they pressed against whatever injury you had; You never used them for this though, only the decade old reusable bandages that were now stained in old blood you had tried many times to get off, when you were still a child you had found them after rummaging through the medicine cabinet you always found well stocked in the kitchen.
You felt yourself getting dizzy, if it was from blood loss or the rush of emotions caused by getting caught, you weren’t sure but you tried your best to seem unbothered as the man across from you cautiously reached his hand towards you.
“i’ll try to be quick, but i need to bandage your arms.” His voice was soft and soothing, it was comforting, your stomach tightened but you chose to ignore it.
You stretched out your arm to him, allowing him to see the way you had torn yourself a part, but it didn’t seem to bother him. Nothing distinctly changed in him, only a twinge of focus rising in his eyes as he gently swiped a wet cotton pad against your skin.
For someone as big as he was, his hands were so impossibly soft and gentle. It made you wonder how he was to enemies, you knew he was a monster on the battlefield but you couldn’t wrap your head around it. How someone as caring as he was, could ruthlessly tear someone apart.
“I didn’t mean for you to find me like this.” You didn’t realize the words had slipped from your mouth until you saw könig look up at you, a look you couldn’t quite read painting his eyes.
your sure if the room wasn’t as quiet as it was he wouldn’t have heard you with how light your voice was.
“taube, if I hadn’t found you who knows what could have happened.” His voice a gentle purr, you wished you could hear it everyday for the rest of your life.
Your eyes fell from his gaze and went back to studying his careful hands, too tired to protest.
He finished wiping off as much blood as he could, wrapping both your arms with a thin, but effective layer of gauze and bandages encasing both your forearms.
You thought it looked a bit dramatic.
a soft pounding in your head was the only thing keeping you awake as you leaned into the cabinet beside you.
“Can’t fall asleep yet, my taube.” könig nearly whispered while helping you to stand and bringing you to sit on his bed, since it was closer.
He helped you to change into clean clothes and left your blood soaked ones by the door along with the bath mat and a hand towel he had used to clean off the floor and counter.
Something brought an uneasy feeling to your stomach as you watched könig sit himself beside you on the bed.
“Do you want to talk about it?” his voice was careful, still barely above a whisper.
“..no.”
a few seconds pass before your talking again.
“Can we just pretend this never happened?... i mean it almost didn’t.” Your voice was quiet and carried more sadness then you meant it to.
“Liebling…”
“You shouldn’t have to deal with this, it’s my problem i’ll work it out on my own.”
“Taube, you know I can’t let you do that.”
“But you can … König please .” Your voice cracked as your breathing hitched, catching on a sob.
You knew if anyone else found out you were done for, you’d be out of the force.
“ Please ,, you can’t tell anyone.” You were practically begging as your eyes welled again.
You heard a soft sigh and a hand was cupping your face, wiping away a tear before it fell. You searched through the other man’s eyes, desperately trying to figure out what he was thinking.
He pressed a soft kiss to your nose through his veil, warmth spreading throughout you as he traced a circle on your cheek.
“i’ll make you a deal, okay liebe? I won’t tell anyone if you promise to stay by me at all times, you might not like it but it’s the only way I can keep you safe.” You ignored the way your breathing slowed while listening to his voice before nodding and allowing yourself to melt into his touch.
Quickly, he rearranged the two of you to lay on his bed comfortably. You watched curiously as he lifted up his sniper veil and set it on his night stand.
You’d seen him without the veil before, but that didn’t stop you from breaking out into a smile. Both his hands cupped your face, his fingers tracings mindless shapes against your skin as he pulled you in to meet his lips.
He felt impossibly warm and close, as you melted into his touch again.
He hummed, satisfied, against you lips before pulling away and petting his hands through your hair, everything was soft and warm, it felt like a dream.
You nuzzled your face into the crook of his neck, you were practically purring as he kissed the top of your head and buried himself into your hair. He pulled you as close as he could, a hand idly rubbing your back as you drifted into much needed sleep.
“Goodnight, mein taube.”