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“So, this is what it is about. This is about Lena.”
Lena.
They fought over her. Or what did they fight about, exactly? Alex was always so mysterious, half answering her every interrogation; leaving in his trail ever more so questions.
And now, Alex was gone.
And she was back in her cell, enclosed between four walls. Four cold walls against her will. She sighed.
Lena…
The iridescence of her bright eyes came back to her mind, flashing, illuminating her sight and warming her heart. The sound of her voice. The relief, in her features, when she mistook her for Kara. Then, the intrigue, the crinkle between her brows and the little quirk of her lips. The promise, made to someone else, that may have never happened.
36 days and 9 hours, and counting. Everyday, every hour, counting. She had read The Great Gatsby 42 more times since then. Read Their Eyes Were Watching God 19 times and Frankenstein 26 times.
36 days and 9 hours since she met Lena. Between her “field trip” to America and today. She’d started to collect all sorts of pictures of her, every article she could find. Most of them written by Kara Danvers. So, she started collecting everything about Kara too. Every shred of evidence she filed, stacked, piled up. Lena and Kara were friends.
Why?
Something didn't add up. Neither to what Alex had said about his sister nor about Supergirl.
Lena and Kara were more than friends.
It was stupidly obvious, every time she looked at pictures that showed the two of them together. Every time she thought back at the lyrical lines covering Kara’s journal. As annoying as it was, Kara was a good writer. A fluid, easy yet assertive style. With a deep understanding of the English language. She wondered what kind of books Kara had learned English with. Did she read The Great Gatsby?
All these things she didn’t know.
The daily training was merely enough of a distraction. Whenever she could rest for two seconds or two hours, her thoughts would run again, in all directions. All the books Alex had her read, all he showed her, all he said…
“Life is much more successfully looked at from a single window.”
The sentence would find its way to her mind over and over again. Alex had shown her the world, and she was only realizing now he never shared another opinion but his own. She owed him everything she knew, everything she was. But since the excursion to National City, she had begun to form different opinions. Reading Kara Danvers’ journals had been extremely insightful. At first, she convinced herself it was just a legitimate way to learn more about her, so she could better impersonate her in the future, like Alex wanted.
But as her eyes scrolled down the lines, eating the content like chocos after a long day of training, she started to feel things. And whenever Kara wrote about Lena – which she did in such a manner leaving little to the imagination, regarding her feelings for her supposed best friend – her own heart would flutter. She kept wondering whether she should be jealous of Kara. Kara loved Lena, but Kara couldn’t tell Lena.
Her mind would then wander. Though unsavory and somewhat messy, Kara’s apartment felt… nice. Somehow, she felt at ease in it.
“A sister”, Alex had said. “Put simply”. Kara Danvers had a sister; Alex had a sister too. She hadn’t. Was Supergirl really her sister?
If only she could remember anything before she woke up in the dark, only surrounded by an infinity of white.
…
A sight.
34 days and 5 hours, that was the exact count since she last spoke to Alex. Since they fought. 34 days and 5 hours, and she was waking up, every day, to training and a billion questions, uncared-for. Alex hadn’t come back. Was he ever going to come back? What was she supposed to do? What was the point of it all, then…
She shook her head. She was feeling tired. This was one of the million things she wanted to talk to Alex about. Why was she feeling so tired lately? Was she still poisoned by the Kryptonite in the air? He had told her it had been completely removed. And she didn’t exactly feel the pain and suffering she endured back then. It was just like the never melting snow of Kaznia; the fatigue had settled in her every muscle, coursing through her veins, blossoming like Nelumbos in her lungs, making it hard to breathe, and move, and think...
Aahh… She should sleep anyway… Training tomorrow. Just like every other day…
******
When she woke up, everything was blaring at her. The lights were blinding and the sounds deafening. The scents around her were not the ones she was used to, in her room. It was all so artificial, all so incredibly loud. Compounded chemicals, ethereal effluvia; all washing over her and inside her. Strident sirens and piercing needles, all in and out of her flesh.
It took her painstaking seconds to make sense of the world around her. She moved her head, ever so slightly. The simple action sent throbbing agony through her encephalon. She blinked, several times.
The lights of this room weren’t that bright, but it was more lights than she ever had in her own room. Another few blinks and she took in the details of the place. She’d never seen that part of base. She suddenly caught snatches of conversation. Realized she was not alone. Oh, those attires… she’d seen those attires… on people who came to patch and mend some of the soldiers. Nurses. Doctors.
Just why were there nurses and doctors around her..? And why were they so agitated?
She heard Alex’s voice over the phone, crackling. He sounded tired too. The doctor said she was finally awake and that he needed to come immediately. Alex answered he would come as soon as possible.
******
Alex never came back. But she got back on her feet. She was instructed to read more books and was dismissed from training until further notice. Another million questions.
She was allowed to stroll, out of the facility. So, she went out. She walked, dutifully guarded by an entire platoon, watching every step she’d make. She’d been told she was “sick”, but it didn’t take long before she understood it was not a simple cold or something that would eventually wear off. During her walks she’d make a point to breathe in as much fresh air as she could. As though every breath might be her last.
In every ray of light she’d feel reborn, in every bird taking their leap and flying, she’d see Mikhail.
She was dying. She didn’t know what it meant, not really. The only thing she could fathom was Mikhail’s smile; gone, forever. She knew it was what awaited her too, in the end. She simply didn’t know when. To die so young, she thought… Mikhail was young. Her? Older sure, but still. “She couldn’t live forever, she couldn’t live forever…” is all she could think about, over and over.
As the sunset hit her pupil, she understood it all. It descended upon her, like a revelation.
“All the bright precious things fade so fast, and they don't come back.”
Mikhail’s smile. Mikhail’s laugh. Mikhail’s bright eyes. Surely as the sun sets every day, in an eternal circle, every life must return to the Earth. And her life… it was on the verge of setting.
With the last spark of sunlight she made a vow: she would reunite with her own personal light. Her own personal bright. She extended her arm and, in her hand, she grasped the distant orb.
“I love her and that's the beginning and end of everything.”
******
She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable
She's a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
She had all the reasons now. A while ago, she felt guilty to even slightly desire to be a part of National City and Lena’s life. But now, forsaken and alone, was there anything left in Kaznia for her?
As winter was latching its fury on the plains and hills of her homeland, she resolved to do whatever it’d take to get closer to Lena. By now, she’d realized getting in and out the base was really just a matter of timing. She didn't need to sleep as much as the soldiers guarding her door and she was faster and smoother than any of them. She peered at the young boy, dozing on his chair in front of her door.
A pet of a pet…
Yes, the only thing she truly needed to make sure of was to leave no mess to clean up after; make sure no one would recognize her and keep hidden any proof of her existence. Just like Alex very surely yelled at her. So, she packed the only piece of disguise she owned and flew to National City, in the dark and deep end of January.
******
During her first visit to the city, she didn’t only read all of Kara’s journals. She didn’t only seek to meet Lena. An insatiable curiosity got her further and further; the more intel she gathered, the more she wanted to know. It wasn’t just about who they were now, but also where they lived, how they lived. She wanted to know anything and everything. Every little detail.
So she stayed. Since Kara Danvers was away for the weekend, she could stick around. She visited Noonan’s, she visited Lena’s favorite speakeasy. Walked around Hope Street and Lena’s penthouse district. Drooled over Chinese take-away and belly burgers. But without money, all she could do was stare and starve.
This world she wasn’t a part of, this world she was supposed to put an end to, this greedy world; Lena’s world… She wanted to be a part of it.
She was going to be a part of it.
She managed to get hired as a casual at Lena’s favorite speakeasy. It was a rushed plan; barely a plan at all. Lena wasn’t even coming here every night, as she quickly discovered.
But her perseverance paid off, and soon enough she was rewarded with a glimpse of the raven silky hair she was so desperately waiting for. Lena was not much of a regular, as she’d hoped for, but she was blessed with her presence a few times. Enough times to learn her habits and preferred beverages. Enough times to learn how to serve her favorite scotch just exactly how it was supposed to be.
They barely interacted, save for the customary words of order and service. Lena never really paid much attention to her, nor to anyone around, for that matter. She was always too busy. But it was more than enough for her, more than she’d ever hoped for. And for the rare occasions when Lena would actually look back at her and grace her with a polite smile and a thank you, it was really worth all the trouble.
So, she came back. And back. And back.
Until one day, it happened.
For her, it was yet another work night; for Lena, it was not. It was very late already, and instead of going to sit in “her” chesterfield, Lena went straight for the bar counter and sat on a stool with an uncharacteristically casual fashion.
“A Van Horne, please. Dry.” Lena asked for. No greetings, a mere formality poorly hiding the pain she was going through. Even her eyes, she kept for herself.
She wanted to say something to the Luthor, but she wasn’t sure what. Her voice had sounded so sad it’d caught her off guard. There always was something melancholic in her tone, but her voice was usually fuller. “It was the kind of voice that the ear follows up and down, as if each speech is an arrangement of notes that will never be played again.” Yet, tonight, it was merely the shadow of itself, a hollow breath that made her heart knot in her chest.
“Sure,” she simply answered, as she stopped tidying the bar and turned to the shelves to pick the bottle and pour the golden liquid into a tumbler.
Lena took the glass and downed it in one go, much to her surprise.
The Luthor dropped her glass back to the counter: “One more, please.”
Her brow furrowed, this was very unsettling and unnerving. She picked a fresh tumbler, grabbed the bottle and the jigger back, and poured another dose of the bourbon.
Lena downed the second one without flinching. She was now starting to worry. Lena usually didn’t drink like this…
She started opening her mouth, as her hand twitched: “Madam… you– Are you alright?” God, that was very straightforward. Lena lifted up her gaze to her, contemptuous. “I mean, wouldn’t you like some, hum, salted pop-corn to go with the Van Horne? We also have pistachios, if you’d rather…” She corrected, swallowing the lump in her throat.
Lena’s features relaxed a bit, she let out a dejected sight: “Look, it is very urbane of you to show concern. I can see you’re trying to be nice, but I don’t really need nice tonight. So, would you rather pour me another glass, while I make a quick call, please?”
She looked at her, a pang making her heart ache. She only smiled politely, as Lena reached for her smartphone. She hadn’t even pulled off her coat… she watched, as the CEO strode away. She obeyed but she couldn’t wash off the worry that was settling in her stomach. While she knew it would be wrong to do so, she couldn’t help but eavesdrop on Lena’s conversation.
“Miss Luthor, you’re not in Paris?” A woman’s voice answered the call, in a very surprised and somewhat sleepy tone.
“I’m not.” She sounded tired and sad. “I am very sorry to call you at such a late hour, but this is urgent. I have accepted the offer to work for the Government, which means that, effective Monday, I’ll no longer be able to follow through with my duties at L-Corp. I need someone I can trust to steer the ship until I come back.”
“Oh, I see.” the voice commented.
“With that in mind, I believe you subsequently need a PA. You are free to hire them yourself. We’ll review the details of your new contract tomorrow.”
“Yes, miss Luthor. I am very grateful for the trust you place in me.”
“Don’t be, you owe it all to yourself. I will see you tomorrow. Good night, Jess.”
“… Good night, miss Luthor.”
And with that, Lena was back to the bar within the next minute. This time she took off her coat before she drank. She only pushed the empty glass a little further on the wooden counter and gestured at the barmaid.
“Another..?” She ventured, wincing.
“Please.” Lena answered.
She set herself up to pour yet another glass for Lena, but this was a very saddening sight: “… Are you certain you don’t want to drink at least a glass of water?”
Once again, Lena looked at her. There was something hard to decipher in her eyes right now, it was making her really uncomfortable. She would usually like it whenever Lena would lay her eyes on her but tonight it felt… inquisitive.
After a beat too long, Lena chuckled: “I must give recognition to your integrity. I can see you’re genuinely worried for me. While I don’t understand why, it is somewhat… sweet. Kindness is so rare those days we’d almost forget it exists.” She took her glass and lifted her brows as she sipped her drink slowly.
She took a deep inhale, desolated nevertheless. No matter what Lena would say, she felt compelled to watch for her. She grabbed yet another glass and filled it with water. Then she gently set the glass next to Lena’s hand.
“Please, drink some water…” she insisted.
Lena sighed, audibly: “Fine. But only because you’ve been kind enough to indulge me past the closing hours.” She switched for the glass of water and drank a bit of it. Then, she looked at her, clearly annoyed. Their eyes locked.
Lena seemed… intrigued: “You have… quite unusual eyes…” she let out, without thinking.
“What?” She blurted out, blushing.
Lena cleared her throat and straightened herself. She smiled, contrite, then finished drinking the glass of water: “You know what? You’re right.” She started, “I’m clearly overstepping boundaries. I should go home.” She added softly.
After that, she simply handed her card, left a generous tip and disappeared into the night.
The last thing she heard was Lena making another call: “Frank. I’m sorry, I need to bother you one last time tonight…”
She sighed. As she cleaned and tidied the bar, she wondered what had possibly made Lena so sad tonight. She was about to put every used tumbler in the dishwasher when she picked the very first one Lena drank from. On the rim of it, there was a clear stain of vermillion lipstick.
A second passed…
She put the glass in her purse instead. Then, she closed the bar and flew back to Kaznia.
******
Later, once she was dressed back in her suit, once she was under the cover and her door was closed, she reached for her bag and pulled out the tumbler. She took it carefully in her hand, making it roll under her fingers. Very slowly, she brought it to her mouth, and with the greatest care, she pressed her lips against the glass.