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The first time Hoseok saw him, they were in the one cafe in town.
Hoseok had just been released for the day. His round of boot camp had just finished, and the higher ups decided to let the newly reassigned unit explore for a little bit. They’d first arrived to the military base right next to the town — if you could even call it that — just a few nights ago.
And, while Hoseok was not new to the army, there were some little quirks about where they were that apparently warranted going through some light training again.
The cozy little town was far from enemy lines, but still close. At least, close enough to warrant needing to make sure that everybody was ready to depart at a moment’s notice, and close enough for their planes to just barely be able to make the trip and back. Hoseok loved watching them take off, even if they were doing so to bomb the enemy. It was just…amazing. Hoseok liked to imagine a day, somewhere far ahead in the 21st century, where planes dominated the sky.
Another quirk; there was a wealth of people that spoke both Yeongeo and Korean. The base was able to pull practically anybody out of the streets to translate the enemy’s communications into Korean.
As Hoseok walked around, he found that there were many many signs in both Korean and Yeongeo. It could almost have been mistaken for an enemy town with its cold air and wooden buildings. Except for the fact that it was beautiful. There was something so…timeless about it.
The people, laughing and joking with each other and even some of the soldiers wandering around just like Hoseok, the fresh fruit and vegetables grown from their gardens, actual children playing on the street. Hoseok even encountered the small version of what seemed to be like a red light district. A woman in a low cut dress hung onto his arm as he passed by, giggling and smiling at him. He waved goodbye as he passed, drawing out about three more women to sneak a look at him.
You almost couldn’t tell that there was a war devastating the world.
It didn’t take long for Hoseok to find what was clearly the heart of the town.
It was a little cafe just a little bit past the library, tucked into a small space towards the edge of town, but it had a front seating section with a wide, open space and a pretty little wooden gate. Hoseok nearly began salivating when the smell of fresh pastries and coffee hit him — baked goods were a rarity as the war continued to drag on. The cafe had tacked up a little sign on its window, reading ‘sponsored by the Korean military’.
Something in Hoseok’s gut screamed at him to go inside. He found his legs carrying him through the doorway before he could even realize what was happening.
It was warm inside from the heat of the oven, much better than the chill of the evening air that had started to nip at Hoseok’s cheeks. And the smell was heavenly. A light mumble filled Hoseok’s ears. There were quite a few locals in the cafe, talking and laughing with each other.
The menu seemed quite big for a small town cafe. You could order an espresso or a latte, three different kinds of tarts — egg, raspberry, or strawberry, one slice from two different cake choices — plain vanilla or a strawberry shortcake, and/or a croissant. The tarts looked good, Raspberry seemed to be popular, which Hoseok understood. It was a rare fruit lately. And the strawberry shortcake seemed down to only a slice or two.
Hoseok pulled out his wallet and smiled at the cashier, “I’ll just have an espresso, please.”
“That’ll be 25 won,” the cashier smiled back. “We’ll have that ready for you in just a minute. Thank you for your service.”
Hoseok felt a small pang of pain in his chest. He simply nodded back, closing his eyes as he stepped aside to try his best to wash away the images that immediately flashed to mind. His friends…his fellow soldiers…some even younger than him…
“Here’s your espresso,” a female voice called out.
Hoseok looked up and grabbed his coffee with a little bow. He looked around, hoping to find somewhere to sit for just a second.
And then he saw him.
Hoseok’s entire world stopped for a second as his eyes landed on the pale boy with long eyelashes, beautiful black hair that softly curled around his face at the neck, and petal lips. The entire world seemed to warm, everything around them seeming to turn a little orange.
The boy looked just about Hoseok’s age, maybe a little younger. He wore a cream colored sweater and a long, chocolate brown skirt with a chunky pair of brown loafers and a brown beret to match. He sat alone at a table near the window, his legs tucked up onto the seat, feet sticking out of the table, and posture perfectly straight as he buried his head in a book. A circular pair of glasses sat on the bridge of his nose, a tote bag sitting at his feet.
A million thoughts seemed to fly past Hoseok’s head, one for every beat of Hoseok’s heart as he stared at the boy. But the clearest one was more of a demand from his heart.
I have to know everything about him.
The people working at the cafe must have caught him staring, because a sprout of giggles erupted behind him. He felt the girl who handed him his coffee gently nudge him over the display case and laughed, “Go talk to him. He won’t bite.”
Hoseok swallowed his nerves and slowly approached him.
As Hoseok walked forwards, more and more details became visible. The cake in front of him was the strawberry shortcake, and he had a half finished latte in front of him. A little, gold necklace sat on his collarbones with a singular pearl acting as the pendant.
The boy didn’t notice Hoseok until he stopped right at the edge of the table.
He looked up from his book, blinking up at Hoseok through long lashes with wide, pretty brown eyes that sparkled under the lamplight.
“Hello?”
Hoseok’s heart felt like it was hit with a bat. The boy’s voice came out so soft, and the way he looked up was so cute. Hoseok felt like he was dying. He had to hold onto the edge of the table to stop himself from folding over and falling into a puddle on the floor.
“H-hi,” Hoseok smiled. “Can I sit next to you?”
A soft, closed mouth smile curled across Yoongi’s lips, “Sure.”
He moved over a little bit to make space for Hoseok, despite being on the very edge of the booth already. Hoseok set his espresso down right next to his latte and sat down as quickly as he could.
Yoongi gently set his book down on his knees and reached out for his latte, “Are you from the new unit that just came in? I haven’t seen you around yet.”
“Yeah, I am. Straight from the front lines to boot camp here, so forgive me if I seem a little tired,” Hoseok chuckled. He took a small sip, savoring the feeling of the warm coffee warming him up inside. “I just couldn’t help but explore. It’s a beautiful town that you’ve got here.”
“Has Heeyoung and her girls gotten to you yet? It seems almost every soldier eventually gets snatched up by them,” Yoongi asked with a cocked eyebrow. He covered his mouth with his hand as he laughed, “They have a bet going around to see who can get the most soldiers. Although, if you ask me I think some of them may be rounding up their count.”
He glanced up at Hoseok, their eyes really meeting for the first time. Hoseok couldn’t help but notice that he had little flecks of gold in his eyes and a deep sadness behind them. He looked…lonely. Like all this time, he’d been waiting for someone to show up and hold him dear.
But Hoseok didn’t have to ask to know that it was a very specific someone. He knew the feeling all too well.
“Oh, pardon my manners. My name is Yoongi,” Yoongi hummed. His voice sounded like a melody. A nightingale singing in the dark. Hoseok wanted to listen to him speak for hours and hours. “I’d say more about me, but I don’t really think there's much that’s worth mentioning. I’m 23? I’ve lived here…just about 5 years now.”
Hoseok leaned back against the booth, his head just barely touching the curtain that shaded the lower half of the window, “Hoseok. I’m 22. I don’t really think I can say I live anywhere per se, but I’m from Gwangju. I lived in Seoul for a little while when I was…I wanna say 15, after my parents died. And I volunteered for the army right when I was 18, right after the war started because the recruitment officer was cute.”
Yoongi laughed again, covering his mouth with his book this time, “You seem like the type to do that.”
Hoseok wondered why he did that. Did he have a weird smile? Was he just insecure? Just from looking at him and the way his eyes lit up when he laughed, there was no way that his smile could be anything less than the most beautiful thing Hoseok had ever seen.
“What can I say? I follow where the cute boys go,” Hoseok joked. He took another sip of his espresso, feeling a little bit of a jolt of energy push through him. “Why did you move here? You seem like the type of person to like cities more.”
Yoongi fell silent for just long enough for Hoseok to know that he’d stepped a little too far into Yoongi’s personal life for their first meeting. He just hoped that Yoongi didn’t hate him for it. If a boy as sweet and gentle-looking as Yoongi hated him, Hoseok didn’t know what he’d do with himself.
“I moved here with my husband. He was from here, and we liked the idea of being somewhere quiet when the war started,” Yoongi whispered.
Husband?
Yoongi was married?
Hoseok didn’t see a ring. But…some people did stop wearing nice jewelry out since the beginning of the war. If Yoongi’s husband had gotten him something really nice, it was definitely not a wise idea to wear it.
That must have been the person Yoongi was waiting for.
“Well, your husband is very lucky. He’s got a very smart husband on his hands,” Hoseok hummed, gesturing to Yoongi’s book. Indigo, by a mysterious author that went by RM. “I’ve only read Mono, but it took me a while to fully understand what he was saying. I felt like I’m an idiot.”
At the mention of his book, Yoongi’s face lit up again. He sat up with a beautiful, gummy smile that Hoseok only got to see for just a second before Yoongi covered it with his book. Still, the image of Yoongi’s smile struck him.
It was an uncommon sort of smile. Hoseok understood why he felt like he had to hide it. But it was so beautiful. Hoseok wished he could just push the book away and stare at Yoongi’s face.
Maybe that was a weird to be thinking about when it came to someone else’s husband. Hoseok didn’t exactly want to be someone’s affair.
Still, he wanted to at least be friends with Yoongi. It would be nice to have someone to talk to so that he didn’t have to hang around the base all the time. And it would be even nicer if he could make someone smile and laugh like this all the time.
“You must think I’m an idiot then, because it took me a while to piece together what he was writing when I was reading Mono. His wordplay is fantastic. I could write an entire breakdown about just one of his poems. I think Indigo is a little easier for me because Yeongeo has less…ability to play with the words as Korean, but it’s still so brilliant,” Yoongi rambled. He looked so happy to talk about his interests. Hoseok knew right there that he’d gladly pay to listen to Yoongi break down the entire book to his heart’s content.
Yoongi blushed in embarrassment when he realized that he was starting to ramble too much to a stranger and bowed his head a little, “Sorry. RM is just one of my favorite authors, but it seems like nobody in this town really gets it.”
“Well, it’s because this is a small town, isn’t it? His writings are much more from the emotional perspective of someone in the city. Many of his lines can’t be fully appreciated if you don’t know the feeling,” Hoseok shrugged. “Or, I don’t know, maybe that doesn’t apply to Indigo. But that’s just how I see it.”
Yoongi looked down at the book and closed it, holding it out to Hoseok, “Do you want this? Wait…do you know Yeongeo? It’ll be hard to read it if you don’t. It has a lot more Yeongeo than Mono does.”
Hoseok shook his head, “I know what oranges is in Yeongeo, and that’s about it.”
A little pout formed across Yoongi’s lips, and a small, traitorous part of Hoseok screamed at him to lean in and kiss him. His lips were just so pink and plump and soft looking.
Yoongi tucked the book into his bag and finished the last piece of his cake. He stood up, placing his cup on the plate, “Well, I’ll translate it for you. And, if you happen to be wandering around this area again, I’m here everyday — usually until about an hour after they turn on the radio.”
“So you’re leaving early today,” Hoseok frowned.
Yoongi looked down at the ground with a sad smile, “Yeah. I’ve got to go see my husband today. It was nice meeting ”
As Yoongi left, Hoseok didn’t question why he sounded so sad about seeing his husband.
All that he knew was that he was utterly infatuated with Min Yoongi, his gentle but shy mannerisms, and his delicate, pink features. The sight of Yoongi’s gummy smile didn’t leave Hoseok until he fell asleep in the barracks that night, when warm dreams of making a certain watercolor boy burst out into laughter.
~~~
Yoongi walked up the hill to his place. It was a small little cottage, tucked away in some hills away from the rest of the village. There was nothing really special about it. It was warm, it was small but not in a cramped way, and it was home.
There was nothing in the mailbox which was typical. During the weekdays, the mailman always complained about having to walk so far to get to Yoongi’s house. Yoongi used to care back when his husband was in the army, but not anymore. Now there was never any mail waiting for him. No one who would write to him. No one to write to. All that came were the checks from the government every month.
Yoongi kicked off his shoes with a long sigh. His life was like one repeating day, over and over again. The past two years, it was always the same. The same pain, the same routine, the same heartache, the same loneliness.
He took off his necklace, setting it down in the jewelry tray right in front of his husband’s photograph. He pressed a kiss to his fingers, then pressed them to his husband’s face with a sad smile, “I visited you today. I think some jerk spilled something on your gravestone, but you don’t have to worry. I cleaned it up. You look as good as ever.”
Because you’re never going to grow up with me.
“I think mushroom soup sounds good today. I found some in the garden this morning, and my book says they’re edible,” Yoongi smiled. He stood up, walking to his kitchen with a little sigh. He placed the leftovers of his lunch in the fridge and grabbed the cream.
Yoongi loved to cook and garden and read. They were one of the few things that made him feel like he had some sort of control in his everyday life. No plants needed the same thing every day. No food had to be the same day in and day out. No book had to be reread if Yoongi didn’t want it to be.
“I met someone today who kinda of reminded me of you,” Yoongi hummed as he started cooking the mushrooms. The house filled with the smell of it, warming up almost instantly.
Sometimes, when Yoongi was at home, he talked to himself. If he imagined hard enough, he could almost hear his husband responding to him. It wasn’t that he was still grieving over him though. No, Yoongi had moved on as much as he could in two years. But he missed the days before his husband died, when he had someone to live in this home with and someone to talk to.
There was nobody to listen to him now. Nobody to talk to him and make him laugh and smile since his husband died in the war. He missed the days when he could play his records and pretend to try to read his new book while his husband danced around, playfully whining about how Yoongi never wanted to join him anymore.
“At the same time, he’s kind of nothing like you at all. But he made me laugh and smile, and he listened to me when I started going on about RM. And that reminded me of you,” Yoongi glanced at the copy of Mono on the countertop, touching the cover with a little laugh. “He definitely understands Mono more than you did though. He definitely stares at my lips a lot more than you did haha. He definitely wanted to sit next to me specifically.”
Yoongi stared into the nothingness at the table. As if something in that nothingness was there, waiting for him to simply step into it and run back in time to when the hallways of his house were actually walked.
“I told him I have a husband. Which I think is kinda true, even if you’re gone. I don’t think I could get involved with a soldier again anyways,” Yoongi laughed bitterly. He gently stirred the pot of soup, pouring the cream and flour into it to thicken it up a bit. “And you know me. I’m too much of a romantic to even spend a night with him. He’s so handsome, I think I’d start to fall in love much too easily.”
Yoongi poured himself a little spoonful of his soup and sat down at the dinner table, lighting a small candle in front of him.
He held his bowl up into the air and sighed, “Happy 8th anniversary. I love you.”
Briefly, in the depths of his heart, Yoongi wondered if he’d ever say that to someone else. Yoongi was still young. Some people wouldn’t have even had their first relationships at this point. There was more than enough time for him to fall in love all over again.
If this war wasn’t the death of the world, that is.
Yoongi crawled into bed later that night and closed his eyes.
Maybe…it would be nice to have a friend.
~~~
Yoongi honestly didn’t know what to make of Hoseok.
When someone tells you where they usually are every day, the most common thing to do would pay them a visit a little while later if you needed to see them. At least, that’s what Yoongi thought. But Hoseok showed up at the cafe the very next day, clearly just out of a shower and in a white t-shirt with water stains and a pair of cargo pants with so many pockets Yoongi didn’t know what could possibly need to go in them.
His dog tag was hanging out of his shirt, and the hole in Yoongi’s heart hurt at the sight of it. Just the sight of it brought back memories of the day he always tried to forget. When the silver dog tag and the country’s flag was dropped into his hands, right as the general informed him personally of the news.
Yoongi closed his eyes and shook the thoughts out of his head. He watched as Hoseok ordered another espresso and waited at the glass case. Hoseok’s eyes darted back and forth from Yoongi, his fingers fiddling with one of the pockets.
When Hoseok finally started walking over to the table, Yoongi looked up at him and cocked his eyebrow in a silent question.
“We have a free day today and I didn’t want to spend it cooped up in the base,” Hoseok pouted. He placed his hands over his heart and pretended to fall back a little. “You wound me. It’s not often that I have civilian friends, you know.’
Yoongi gave Hoseok a small smile and nodded, “It’s okay, I get it. My husband told me how boring it was being on the base all the time. Usually he at least dried his hair before going out somewhere though.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Hoseok groaned. He took a sip of his coffee, not seeming overly annoyed as he explained, “We get one towel a week, and you know what the bastards I’m sharing the barracks with did to mine? Used it to wipe the mud off themselves while I was showering because they thought I was gone already.”
Yoongi reached into his tote bag, pulling out a small handkerchief. He offered it to Hoseok with a small, apologetic smile, “That’s terrible. They shouldn’t have used it at all – even if you were away. But hey, at least it’s kind of at that point where it just looks like hair gel.”
Hoseok took Yoongi’s handkerchief, their fingertips touching for the briefest of moments. But in that split second, Hoseok could feel his heart begin to quicken.
God, this was so embarrassing.
Hoseok gently wiped the water drops off of his face, watching as the water blotted the cream colored fabric. Yoongi seemed to exclusively dress and surround himself in shades of brown. But something about that was so endearing. And it only made his pink edges stand out even more.
Yoongi watched as Hoseok swept his hair out of his eyes, waiting in a passive examination for Hoseok to speak again. He didn’t know what to say. He just wanted to study Hoseok’s face and figure out what his deal was. He had such strong features. His skin was tanned, like honey, and he smelled nice. Like the forest. His eyes were a rich brown color, his smile shaped like a heart, and his body language confident.
“How has your day been,” Hoseok asked. He leaned forwards, propping his head up with his hand. “Have you had lunch yet? It’s…just an hour past noon.”
Yoongi blinked in surprise.
It had been a while since anyone asked him how his day was. At least…with the genuine intent of wanting to know. Most of the time, it was just a formality.
“Umm…well I guess it was okay. It was a bit cold this morning, but it warmed up so I’m pretty happy about that. And I was going to eat lunch in just a little bit,” Yoongi hummed. He pulled his tote bag up, grabbing a little, sealed bowl out of it. “I had some leftovers from last night. Have you eaten yet? Would you like some? It’s mushroom soup. Or I guess more of a stew.”
Hoseok practically started salivating as Yoongi opened it. It smelled heavenly. And fresh.
“That smells so much better than the rehydrated eggs and meat we have at the base,” Hoseok quietly moaned. He took another sip of his coffee, shaking his head, “You should eat though. I’ve already had my meal.”
“Are you sure? I made enough for two, and I don’t eat a lot. This is everything that’s left from last night,” Yoongi argued. He held the one spoon he had out to Hoseok with a little, pleading look in his eyes.
Yoongi knew how terrible the meals were at the bases. The government tried their very best to keep as much food as possible for the civilians, so the bases got stuck with all of the rehydrated veggies and the worst cuts of the animals. Oftentimes, the food didn’t even meet the nutrition standards that the government had outlined a while back when there was a malnutrition epidemic and a crash in the economy.
There had been one day, during the first weeks of his husband being drafted into the army, where Yoongi received a letter begging for him to send food because his husband felt like he was nearly going to pass out with what they gave him and how hard they were working him.
Hoseok took the spoon, stirring the soup just a little bit. He picked up a spoonful of the stew. Yoongi watched him carefully, waiting to see what his reaction was, when he felt the prod of warm metal against his lips.
Yoongi looked down to see Hoseok, holding the spoon against his lips. He glanced around nervously.
Hoseok really was confident in himself. Maybe a little bit too confident.
Yoongi let out a little sigh and let Hoseok feed him just the one spoonful. The warm liquid filled his lungs and stomach with a nice, hot feeling that he didn’t want to ever let go of.
“Wow, that must be the best soup ever,” Hoseok chuckled. He skimmed just a little bit off the top of the bowl, letting himself take a small bite of it. He let out a surprised hum, “Wow, Yoongi. You should come work for the kitchen staff. I think I’d never skip a meal in the mess again.”
Yoongi felt his cheeks heat up at the compliment. He pushed the bowl towards Hoseok with a shy smile, “How has your day been, Hoseok?”
“Well, it was pretty bad to start with. But it’s a lot better now,” Hoseok smiled. He took another small sip before feeding Yoongi a big spoonful again.
This time, Yoongi held Hoseok’s wrist in place so that the spoon wouldn’t shake as he drank.
When Yoongi let go, Hoseok could still feel the pads of Yoongi’s fingers gently pressing against his skin. Yoongi was almost like a marshmallow. Pale and soft, but so sweet. It didn’t hurt that Hoseok wanted to squish his cheeks so badly either.
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi pouted.
“What do you have to be sorry about? You’re saving my day right now,” Hoseok laughed. He gave Yoongi back the spoon and watched as Yoongi started to eat. “The shower thing just messed me up. Oh, and the fact that we had to wake up really early today to do drills. I was so comfortable in my bed last night, I never wanted to wake up.”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok with a confused look on his face, “You were comfortable? It was so cold out, and I know that you guys don’t have very thick blankets. Or very nice pillows for that matter.”
Yoongi remembered, sometimes around Christmas one year, everyone thought the war was coming to an end. So his husband was allowed to come home for a week. And the first thing he said when they got into bed together was that it was a hell of a lot more comfortable than in the army.
Well, no. The first thing he said was that he missed having Yoongi in his arms when he went to bed at night. But the comfortable thing was the second thing he said right after Yoongi teased him about it.
Hoseok leaned in just a little bit, pressing a finger to his lips, “Don’t tell anyone, but a lot of the guys weren’t sleeping in their own beds last night. So I took their blankets. It was so warm. I haven’t slept that well since I joined, I think.”
“You do seem a lot more energetic,” Yoongi laughed. He took a bite of a mushroom, covering his mouth with his hand as he chewed thoughtfully. “By the way, I haven’t been able to write down the translations yet for Indigo. I honestly didn’t expect I’d see you anytime soon, so I figured I’d have some time and just went to bed. I think I’d need to buy a new copy anyways. Mine has my notes all over it.”
“Oh, it’s okay. I wanna read what you think about it. I think I’d need your help to understand it right away anyways,” Hoseok smiled. He cocked his head at Yoongi, tapping his finger against the back of Yoongi’s hand. “Now, you tell me more about your day.”
They sat and talked for what felt like just a few minutes. The bowl of stew slowly drained down and down as they ate together, their coffees drained and refilled along with the appearance of a slice of strawberry shortcake that Yoongi said was always his little treat for himself for making it through another day.
They didn’t really talk about anything that was worth mentioning. It was mostly shallow stuff, trivial things. Like how the color of the paint in one section of the library was peeling and why it was doing that. How they both really liked the color of oak, but birch was Yoongi’s least favorite thing in the entire world. How neither of them really liked electric things — even though the fridge was nice, Yoongi admitted. The reason why the cafe was here and not in the center of town.
It was all just dumb stuff like that, but everything sounded so interesting when it was Yoongi talking about it. There was something in him that just made Hoseok want to soak up every word, but also share opinions on things he never even knew he could have an opinion on in the first place.
At some point, the day turned to night and the radio turned on. People began clearing their chairs, pushing the tables aside. Outside, in the front yard section of the cafe, Hoseok could see people gathering onto the floor.
And then, they began to dance. The radio was only instrumental arrangements, slow and jazzy and warm. The entire cafe seemed to become this romantic little place. The kind of setting you would see in photographs of great loves. Hoseok absolutely loved it — these little moments of humanity finding a way to make everyone smile for a little bit, even in a war.
Maybe one day, Hoseok would join in. But for today, he was more than content with simply watching all of the people dancing together.
“This is one of the reasons we love this place so much,” Yoongi smiled wistfully. “Back when this town was getting bombed every few nights, the nights where there were no sirens in the air, no orders to black out and hide in our shelters, they would play the radio. And everyone in town would come gather and dance and laugh again for a few hours.”
Hoseok watched the couples — young and old — dancing together, laughing and smiling and chatting with the people next to them, with a sense of…longing in him. He always wanted someone who he could look at like that. Who he could hold and laugh and dance with and know that everything is going to be okay, simply because they had each other. And that was all they needed.
“I hate this war as much as the next person, but you do have to admit. It’s amazing what humans can create in even the shittiest situations,” Hoseok stated.
Yoogni looked down at his hands. He still remembered when he and his husband danced here together at the start of the war.
“You know, after the first bombing we ever got here, I wasn’t doing well. I was terrified, and hysterical, and I hated the world so much for doing this to us. But, then, my husband brought me out here. We danced and danced for hours into the night. And suddenly, I could see why the locals who live here never leave,” Yoongi reminisced. “It’s why I haven’t left yet.”
Hoseok looked at Yoongi nervously. He wasn’t sure what the best way to phrase this next question was. Or how to even ask the question without causing a lot of potential hurt.
But…maybe the best way was to just go for it.
“Yoongi, why do you always refer to your husband in the past tense?”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok. He suddenly seemed so much smaller as he quietly replied.
“Because he’s dead, Hoseok.”
Hoseok didn’t know how to respond. He felt…honestly terrible for not figuring it out early and for asking Yoongi that question. But, a little, evil part of him grabbed him by the shoulder and whispered in his ear ‘you have a chance’.
Hoseok shoved away that thought. He knew exactly what it felt like to lose someone he loved to this war too.
“If you ever need to talk about it, I’m here for you,” Hoseok offered. He placed his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder, gently rubbing his thumb back and forth. “I know how it feels. You know, the reason I’m here is because my last unit got shot down at the end of last year. All except five of us. I was with them pretty much since I joined.”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok with a look in his eyes that seemed to be shared by everyone nowadays, “Um……I don’t usually tell people this, so please don’t mention it to anyone. But the same thing happened with…him. Except not a single one of them survived. The enemy suddenly advanced on a base on the frontlines and his unit jumped up to make sure everybody got out safely. Everyone except them and a bunch of equipment made it out.”
“Two years ago,” Hoseok asked. Yoongi gently nodded. He already knew that Hoseok would know which incident it was, right away. There was nothing else like it that happened in the war so far.
Yoongi looked out at the people dancing and sighed, “I don’t like to tell people because they all say the same thing. ‘He was so brave’. ‘He’s a hero’. It’s not that I don’t think he is, it’s just lingering bitterness. I used to really resent him for it. Why did he have to be such a good person, you know?”
Hoseok nodded, “I know.”
They sat there in silence, Yoongi watching the people dancing and Hoseok staring at Yoongi’s soft profile. He tried so hard to not think about his old unit. But the memories were so hard to push down once they resurfaced again.
All Hoseok could do was close his eyes, take a deep breath, and hope that his vision stayed black.
“I think it’s time for me to go,” Yoongi suddenly said.
Hoseok opened his eyes in surprise, his hand falling from Yoongi’s shoulder as Yoongi began to pack up his things and clear his table.
Despite how much Hoseok wanted him to stay and maybe have a dance with him, he couldn’t find the words stuck in his throat to say it. Especially not after the way their hours long conversation had ended.
Instead, he just followed Yoongi out the door, running ahead of him to open the little white gate.
Yoongi walked out with a little bow, seeming to glide on the floor as he turned around to face Hoseok with a sad little smile, “I’ll see you again soon?”
“Hopefully. We’ve got a bunch of work to do this upcoming week and I don’t know how early I can get off because it’s a lot of technical labor right now but,” Hoseok cut himself off. He took Yoongi’s hand, raising it up to his lips as he bowed down. He pressed a kiss to the back of Yoongi’s hand and nodded, “Make mushroom stew again. I’ll appear in a flash.”
Yoongi quickly pulled his hand away from Hoseok’s, his heart inexplicably racing as Hoseok looked up at him. He left without another word. Yoongi didn’t know what he could have said anyways. Anything else, and he’d be drawn into talking with Hoseok for even longer and spilling all of the secrets he kept so close to his heart.
Hoseok leaned against the fence, watching Yoongi walk away. A smile that Hoseok didn’t even realize was there grew across his face. His hand rested in his pocket, pinching the handkerchief he hadn’t returned to Yoongi on purpose.
Never before did Hoseok believe in love at first sight. It seemed silly to fall in love with someone without really knowing them and who they are. But…now…Hoseok was starting to understand all of the classical writers and poets, because he too would write pages upon pages in an attempt to convey how badly he wanted to be Yoongi’s.
~
As Yoongi walked away, one of Heeyoung’s girls stepped out of the shadows, giggling, “Who’s that handsome soldier? He’s so chivalrous, running after you and opening the gate and kissing your hand like that. I didn’t know men could come like that anymore. Have you got a new lover, Yoongi?”
“He’s very sweet, but no,” Yoongi replied. He looked down, trying his very hardest to ignore how hard his heart was beating at the thought of Hoseok bending down to kiss his hand. “Just a good friend.”
Yoongi sped up, walking away as quickly as he could before Minju called him out on his bullshit.
Sure, Hoseok was probably the kindest man Yoongi had met in a while, but he was a good friend. That was all. They’d only known each other for two days. And a soldier was the last person Yoongi wanted to start something with. Especially not one that served on the frontlines often.
He couldn’t do that again. He couldn’t put himself through the loneliness of being without the person he loved for months at a time, constantly terrified that he wasn’t going to come home, and desperately waiting for each week to pass by for a new letter that contained all he would ever be able to know about his lover’s week.
Yoongi opened the mailbox, not really expecting anything. But inside was a letter. The heavy, yellow paper was a familiar sight, and the little white check that stuck out of it wasn’t uncommon either.
Translator needed by the end of week at 0900 hours; 1,000 won check sent in advance to Min Yoongi. Arrive at most convenient time.
A traitorous little thought of seeing Hoseok doing his warm-ups slipped into Yoongi’s mind. He quickly batted it away and walked inside to greet his husband and get started on dinner.
But the last echoes of that nervous, fluttery feeling didn’t quite go away until Yoongi was already tucked away in bed, dreaming of a life where he wasn’t quite so alone in his own home.
The only thing that Yoongi could find solace in was that the arm he imagined slipping around his waist in the middle of the night was most certainly not Hoseok’s.
~~~
Hoseok didn’t show up to the cafe at all the following week. But Yoongi understood. He did say he was going to be busy, and Yoongi was honestly grateful for the time alone. It gave him the space he needed to get how he felt about Hoseok back on track.
It was an immensely productive week. Yoongi sat in the cafe, translating the Yeongeo parts of Indigo in peace. He finished the books on his reading list and even found himself able to go out into town to run errands. It was nice being able to talk to people again. The butcher had a new apprentice from the city who handed Yoongi his parcel of meat rations for the week. He noticed Yoongi’s pile of books to donate to the makeshift library and gave him a recommendation.
Of course people asked him about Hoseok. It was a small town, and news spread quickly. Especially when it was about Yoongi. His husband was like the beloved son of the town. So, when they moved here and people heard that it was Yoongi who convinced him to move back, everyone practically adopted Yoongi as if he were one of their own.
And then, when Yoongi’s husband died, everyone became involved in his business. They made the long trek to Yoongi’s cottage no matter how old they were to lend a helping hand by cleaning or cooking or just keeping him company.
So of course they were excited to hear that Yoongi may have a new lover. Any sign of Yoongi potentially finding happiness again was something to celebrate.
It was on Friday that Yoongi finally went to the base. He was a regular translator, it was how he made some extra money aside from the checks he received from the government for being a wartime widow, so he sent them a letter telling them he would be there Friday.
Yoongi was met with a car right outside the village right at 0900. A nervous looking soldier checked his bag, only containing a pen, his books, and his box of rice and eggs and soy sauce for lunch before they got in. The first time Yoongi had gone, he had packed himself a meal with a fork and a knife, which got him in quite a bit of trouble. Now he knew better. Spoon only meals.
The base was just as busy and tightly guarded as Yoongi remembered it, but there seemed to be a lot more young people. That made sense. The draft had just come again a few months ago.
Yoongi was escorted by the guard who always walked the translators. There was usually more, but they were probably already there. They walked through the rows of tanks and planes, passing a few stragglers. Most of the soldiers seemed to be on the dirt, doing their daily warm ups after breakfast.
“There’s a lot of new boys here. Have you had a chance to meet some of them? I hope they’ve been behaving themselves out there,” Lieutenant Kim asked as they passed the dirt.
Yoongi shook his head politely, “Not many. But the one I have met…he’s been very sweet. The rest, I hear, have already been snatched up by Heeyoung and her girls.”
Lieutenant Kim stopped by a group doing pushups on the ground. He barked out some orders that Yoongi didn’t care to listen to.
At least until they all picked themselves up off the dirt, slapping the dust off of their hair and clothes before standing at attention. In the very middle of the line they formed stood Hoseok, sweaty and absolutely covered in dust. His skin looked even more like honey when it was glistening with sweat.
Their eyes met, and Hoseok completely froze, his smile dropping.
Yoongi wondered if he looked like that in be—
Lieutenant Kim noticed almost immediately, cocking his eyebrow in amusement as he stated, “I was going to introduce you all to one of our regular translators, but it seems that one of you already knows him. Everyone, this is Min Yoongi. One of the locals. Yoongi, this is about half of our newest unit.”
A murmur of ‘hello’s rang out from the group. Yoongi politely bowed and waved hello to all of them, trying his very hardest to not look at Hoseok.
“Jung, is this who’s gotten you in a daze,” Lieutenant Kim chuckled. Everyone laughed, leaving Hoseok blushing red in embarrassment at a joke Yoongi didn’t quite understand. “At ease.”
They walked away from the group, moving towards the communications building.
“I apologize for that. Jung has been a bit distracted this week, and his unit and I have had a little game of trying to figure out who’s gotten him in a daze,” Lieutenant Kim smiled. He opened the door for Yoongi and bowed, “Good to see you again.”
“Likewise,” Yoongi nodded.
He walked into the communications building, right into the room where the translators were to work. It looked like a classroom, with desks lined up in columns and a chalkboard at the very front.
Maybe that was appropriate, because Yoongi felt like a schoolgirl as he wondered if he was really the one who Hoseok was thinking about so much.
Not that Yoongi wanted to be.
It was just…an interesting mystery.
Yoongi looked down at the device in front of him and shook those thoughts out of his head.
~
When Yoongi finally left the communications building, it was late at night, but most of the base was still awake. The radio had most definitely begun playing at the cafe already, so all of the shops in town were probably closed.
The messages intercepted weren’t anything interesting or useful. There was one memo about the enemy possibly advancing, but it was clear to even Yoongi that that was a bluff. But Yoongi was happy to help. If it meant the war would end soon and life would go back to the way it was before all of this started.
As Yoongi approached the car, a voice behind him called out his name.
He turned around, unsurprised to see Hoseok running after him. But Yoongi couldn’t help but smile to himself.
Hoseok ran up to him, much cleaner than the last time they saw each other, and stopped just an arm’s length away. He glanced at the driver nervously and smiled, “Hey. It’s pretty dark out. Are they going to drive you back home?”
“No, they just drop me back at the town and then I walk home,” Yoongi replied.
“Can I walk you home,” Hoseok asked. Yoongi cocked his eyebrow at Hoseok teasingly, causing him to suddenly straighten his posture. “No, no I mean like…because it’s dark out and you’re really pretty and I’m sure there’s bad people in this town. I mean… I didn’t say that. Forget I said that. I–”
Yoongi felt his face heat up against his will at Hoseok’s compliment. He looked down at the floor to hide his face as he nodded, “Hoseok, it’s okay. You can walk me home.”
Hoseok jumped in the car the moment Yoongi said that he could come along, as if he would lose the opportunity if he didn’t act quickly enough. Yoongi had to stop himself from laughing as he got in right next to him.
The car started moving, bumping up and down on the rocky roads in the dead of night.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to come this week. I really wanted to, but I was really busy,” Hoseok frowned. He stared at Yoongi’s face, taking in the details as slowly as he could as if he’d already forgotten. “Have you already eaten dinner?”
Yoongi shook his head, decidedly ignoring Hoseok’s apology, “No, not yet. I usually just make something quick at home. What about you, have you eaten?”
“Just the mess hall food. I gotta say, after having your stew, I hate the mess so much,” Hoseok pouted. He looked down at Yoongi, his bottom lip jutted out over-exaggeratedly. Yoongi felt himself smile. “Please send food, rehydrated government meat is getting to my head.”
“Oh, I think my food would get to your head even more. Or is it not me that’s gotten you daydreaming this entire week,” Yoongi teased.
The car rolled to a stop, saving Hoseok from answering the question.
Yoongi would never admit it, but he knew exactly how long it took to get back to town. The timing of his question wasn’t an accident. Not at all.
Hoseok jumped out of the car, running all the way around it in order to get to Yoongi’s side. He opened the door, holding his hand out to assist Yoongi in getting out of the car. And, while the gesture was pretty common for the soldiers who helped Yoongi get to and from the base, something about the way Hoseok did it made Yoongi smile.
It would be rude to refuse Hoseok’s hand, wouldn’t it?
Yoongi gently placed his hand on Hoseok’s, hopping down from the car with his tote bag. They stood just centimeters away from each other as the car circled around and went back to the base.
When Hoseok finally broke away from Yoongi, he looked down at the ground, clearing his throat, “I like your pants.”
Yoongi resisted the urge to smile in bewilderment. Instead, he placed his hands behind his back and began to walk away towards the town, “Really? Well, if you really do like them, what is it that you like?”
“Oh, I— uhm,” Hoseok stammered. He trailed behind Yoongi a little bit, eyes glued to Yoongi’s head. “I like the cream color. And I like that it’s straight legged and wide. It makes it look like your skirts. And I like the way it hugs your waist. And, forgive me for being crude, but your ass looks amazing in them. No wonder all the boys were staring when you left.”
Yoongi started choking on his own spit. Of all the things he thought Hoseok would say, that wasn’t even on the list. He thought maybe Hoseok would admit that he was just complimenting them to fill the void of silence, or just stopped at the color.
But for him to start waxing poetic about the pants and how Yoongi’s ass looks in them. It was completely out of left field.
“Looks like I beat you at your own game,” Hoseok grinned smugly.
Yoongi wanted to smack that smile off of his face.
“You’re so mean,” Yoongi pouted. He sped up his walk, putting some distance between him and Hoseok.
Hoseok broke out into a light run to catch up with Yoongi, grabbing him by the waist from behind. Yoongi’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest as Hoseok grabbed him. The sudden touch felt so strange, and Yoongi couldn’t tell if it was a good or bad feeling.
Either way, he tore Hoseok away from him and continued to walk.
“I’m sorry, Yoongi. I just miss my friend, that’s all,” Hoseok pouted. He started to walk side by side with Yoongi, looking down to match their footsteps together. “Besides, everyone was staring at you. I swear, I even saw Colonel Park steal a look when you passed by him.”
Yoongi glanced at Hoseok, unsure of how to phrase his question without making it sound like he liked Hoseok.
Were you staring at me? How did you feel about everyone else looking? It sounds like you really cared about other people wanting me. What do you think?
“Well, you look good in a tank top,” Yoongi hummed. He thought about Hoseok, standing at attention. His face dirty and his honey skin looking sweet to the touch. “Even if it's covered with dirt.”
Hoseok beamed at the compliment, his heart shaped smile making the night seem to brighten a bit, “Can I hold your arm? I’m supposed to be walking you, aren’t I?”
“If you want to,” Yoongi replied amusedly. He watched as Hoseok linked their arms together like a true, Victorian gentleman. Everything Hoseok seemed to do was like that. “Did you grow up reading a lot of Victorian-era romance?”
“Yeah. Jane Austen and Emily Dickens and the like,” Hoseok nodded. “Why? Does it show?”
They passed a dark alleyway that Yoongi knew led to a dead end, but Hoseok’s arm still tightened around Yoongi’s protectively. Yoongi was immediately endeared. But it was strange, not entirely dissimilar to the way you were endeared to a puppy when it tried to protect you from a stranger.
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, placing his hand over his mouth to giggle, “It really does, Hoseok. You act like such a gentleman. You do know that there’s plenty of people who would kill to have someone like that, right?”
“I know. I was quite the ladies’ man back home you know,” Hoseok smiled smugly. “They were falling all over me.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes in amusement, dragging Hoseok over to his side of the path, “Oh shush. I’m sure you charmed all of the girls and guys in your hometown, no need to elaborate.”
“I only want one guy to fall for me though,” Hoseok replied. He loosened his grip on Yoongi to overdramatically pantomime tripping Yoongi.
The little childish part of Yoongi suddenly woke up. It was a bit rusty from being ignored and abandoned for so long. Yoongi hopped over Hoseok’s leg. He held his head high when he landed, flicking his hair back.
“You’re gonna have to try a lot harder than that, Hoseok.”
Hoseok raised his eyebrow with a smile on his face, “So you’re saying you want me to try now? Because I will put 110% into it until you fall for me.”
Yoongi glanced at the cafe as they passed it with a nervous laugh, “Hoseok, trust me. You don’t want me. I wouldn’t fall for someone so crude anyways. We’ve known each other for…what, 2 days? Not counting this past week. And you’ve already heavily implied that you want to spend a night with me and that you like my ass.”
“Woah there, let’s not get me wrong. I’ve heavily implied that I love your ass.,” Hoseok joked. He looked out at the pathway in front of them, looking a bit unsure about where they were going. Yoongi’s cottage wasn’t even visible from where they were. “But why do I not want you?”
“Because…I’m damaged goods, Hoseok,” Yoongi laughed, a little bit uncomfortable with the shift in the conversation. But it was his own consequence to bear. So be it. Better to let Hoseok down early than lead him on. “And I won’t want you back.”
They were silent for a painfully long time.
Yoongi hated it. He hated how quiet Hoseok was. It wasn’t right. He couldn’t even bear to glance at Hoseok’s face, even though he could feel Hoseok’s stare burning into his.
Neither of them said a word again until they reached the fence that sectioned off Yoongi’s home. Hoseok looked down at the gate, unlatching it with a single swiping motion. He opened it for Yoongi, not daring to step inside.
Yoongi placed his hand on the gate, moving inside just a step.
“I made it awkward, didn’t I?”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, “No. It’s not your fault I’m damaged.”
“Stop saying that.”
“What?”
“Stop saying that. You’re not goods. You’re a person. And everybody comes damaged in some way or another. It doesn’t make me want you less, Yoongi,” Hoseok mumbled. He looked down at the fence, playing with the peeling white paint. “And…if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable, I’d like to still try to make you fall for me. Because I think you’re really beautiful, Yoongi. And everything about you makes me want to get to know you inside and out.”
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s hand.
He gently swatted Hoseok’s hand away, watching as the piece of paint Hoseok was playing with fell onto the ground.
“If you want to. But I’m telling you. I won’t fall for you,” Yoongi simply replied.
Hoseok nodded, “Okay, Goodnight, Yoongi.”
Hoseok walked away before Yoongi could even ask if he wanted to come inside.
For some reason, as Yoongi watched him fade into the distance, something in his heart began to ache.
~~~
Yoongi didn’t see Hoseok the next day, but he expected that.
What he didn’t expect was the letter that appeared in his mailbox, his name and address written in a slanted, scratchy sort of handwriting and the envelope unsealed.
To Min Yoongi,
The image of your smile, the sound of your laugh, the idea of belonging to you in my imagination. I have barely known you, but you are all I seem to think about. That is what has gotten me in a daze this entire week.
Is this Victorian enough for you? Please mail back and let me know. If not, I am more than happy to write several, much longer letters detailing what it is about you that has me mesmerized.
From,
An admirer — though I am confident you know who I am
Yoongi felt his face begin to grow warm as he read Hoseok’s words, his heart seeming to beat faster with every letter.
God was Yoongi glad that Hoseok gave him a letter that he could read in the privacy of his home. Yoongi didn’t know how he could have stopped himself from becoming a blushing mess if Hoseok was staring at him while saying it.
Not that Yoongi cared that much about a letter. No, of course not. It was just a little note written to him from Hoseok, who’d realize sooner or later that there was no use.
But still, Yoongi tucked it underneath his pillow.
Just for safekeeping.
~~~
The last remnants of winter quietly slipped away, and suddenly the town was warm again. And with the air warming up and the flowers blooming again came long strolls around town with Hoseok before they retreated back to the cafe.
Hoseok’s romantic pursuits slowed down over the last few weeks, which Yoongi was eternally grateful for. But they didn’t stop. Every now and then, Yoongi would receive letters from Hoseok, thanking him for a wonderful day together or asking if he would mind some flowers just because there were some really beautiful ones growing near the base.
Now, Yoongi’s house was filled with vases of flowers
Yoongi didn’t know why Hoseok had started to stop. He honestly didn’t really want to think about it. Thinking about that only gave him a weird feeling in his stomach that felt like it was going to swallow him whole.
It was probably because the infatuation was beginning to leave Hoseok. They were just good friends now, that was all. And Yoongi was thankful that Hoseok wasn’t as intense about it.
“Do you know you’re adorable when you’re thinking,” Hoseok asked. He propped his head up with elbow on the top of the bench, smiling sideways at Yoongi, “It’s so cute. Your eyebrows scrunch together and you start pouting like you can’t figure out what’s happening.”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, shaken out of his thoughts, “You should’ve seen me while I was translating Indigo for you. Unironically, I think that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
“Are you upset at me because I didn’t get you flowers today,” Hoseok asked. He reached out, placing a finger on the underside of Yoongi’s jaw. He lifted Yoongi’s chin up with a small smile, “Are you thinking about me?”
“No,” Yoongi lied.
Hoseok raised his eyebrow teasingly, “No to which question?”
“Why would I tell you? You can figure that one out on your own,” Yoongi smiled. He leaned back against the booth, closing his eyes as he tilted his head back, “I’m not mad that you didn’t get me flowers today. You should see my house. Everywhere I step, there’s a vase of flowers. I must have the whole field you picked from now.”
“And my letters?”
Well…Hoseok’s letters were underneath Yoongi’s pillow and in his nightstand. But could Yoongi really say that without Hoseok taking that as a sign that his attempts were working?
“They’re sitting on my desk,” Yoongi lied. “I haven’t read your latest one yet.”
Hoseok gently poked Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi opened his eyes, just in time to see Hoseok pretending to pout, “The one addressed to the pretty kitty?”
“Yeah,” Yoongi nodded.
A smile spread across Hoseok’s face as he sat up and took a sip of his espresso smugly, “So you have read it. There’s no way you would know if you haven’t.”
Yoongi felt his face grow hot at being caught in his lie. He looked away, taking a big bite of his rice bowl with fried pork and an egg so that he didn’t have to say anything in response. But that seemed to be enough of one for Hoseok. Hoseok started laughing, unable to contain himself.
That smile was insufferable — his laugh even more so. Yoongi couldn’t stand the way it lit up the room or made him want to smile too.
“Can I have a bite?”
Yoongi glanced at Hoseok, pouting as he scooted away from Hoseok with his bowl.
“Did you like the part of it where I said I wanted to kiss you when we stopped by the lamppost,” Hoseok teased.
Yoongi pushed the bowl towards Hoseok, looking down at his inner jacket. He had quite a few medals and ribbons placed on it, including a Chungmu medal. Probably for his courageousness in the battle where his unit got slaughtered.
Over it, he had on a coat despite the warmer weather. Maybe he just didn’t want people to see. Hoseok was learning quickly that people in this town loved to gossip and ask questions. Especially after one of them stopped Yoongi and Hoseok as they were looking at oranges for one to share.
Hoseok had called it the scariest interrogation of his life — worse than when he was entering the military and he was scared that they’d catch that his date of birth was not quite right. He’d lied to make it just a month earlier, in January, so that he’d be old enough to enlist.
It was a secret he shared only after his birthday had already passed, which made Yoongi quite upset because they had become good friends by mid-February. But Hoseok refused to let Yoongi celebrate or give him a gift other than just sitting down and sharing the orange with him. Hoseok also swore Yoongi to secrecy, because, even after all this time, it hadn’t been corrected. And it could lead to Hoseok being dishonorably discharged.
“The part where you almost started to write porn about us before stopping yourself was funny,” Yoongi teased. He bit at the tip of the spoon nervously, putting all of his focus into not revealing how nervous he was.
If Hoseok knew the amount of times Yoongi had reread just the sentence ‘I would have you scratching up the walls, but I would rather you scratch my back’, he would start thinking the wrong things. Like that Yoongi actually wanted Hoseok to drive him up the walls or slip his fingers into his mouth or leave his body marked up with blooming red bruises or hold him underneath the covers after a long night together…
No. Yoongi didn’t want that.
Even if he did, it couldn’t be with Hoseok.
A warm pit grew at the bottom of Yoongi’s stomach, the food he just ate suddenly feeling like hot lava.
“Hey, that was just my imagination,” Hoseok stated defensively. He ate a bite of Yoongi’s food and winked, “Unless you don’t want it to be.”
Yoongi palmed Hoseok’s face, pushing his face away from him with an eye roll, “Watch it, loverboy. I don’t need you exploring my insides anytime soon. Your country already needs you poking and prodding around the enemy’s territory.”
“Hey, it’d be much harder than poking and prodding. You want me to prove it to you? Because I’m free Friday evening,” Hoseok hummed cockily.
Yoongi wanted to wipe that smug smile off of Hoseok’s face so badly. But his mind was a little preoccupied with the growing heat that Hoseok’s suggestion was creating. He could feel his body betraying him as the insides of his thighs started to feel slippery.
“Friday evening is my birthday,” Yoongi pouted. “Aren’t birthdays better spent doing nice, wholesome things?”
Hoseok cocked his head at Yoongi, counting the days in his head, “So…you’re on March 9th? Well, hey, we could spend the evening together celebrating and having fun and then I can show you a good, not so wholesome time. What do you think?”
Yoongi looked down at the floor.
It had been a while since he’d spent his birthday with anyone. Not since his husband left for the war. And…maybe it would be nice to have some over for once just to have fun.
“Actually, that sounds fun. Minus the second part,” Yoongi blushed. He looked up at Hoseok, their eyes meeting each other. A smile grew across Hoseok’s face that Yoongi found himself mirroring. “Come over to my house around 6 on Friday, okay? I’ll make dinner.”
“Well, that sounds better than sex. I’ll be there,” Hoseok grinned. He leaned forwards towards Yoongi until they were just centimeters away from each other.
Yoongi felt the immediate gut reaction to move away, but something in him couldn’t.
Hoseok’s eyes drifted down to Yoongi’s lips as he added, “But, if you change your mind about the last thing before that…or even that night, just let me know. I’m not technically required to sleep in the base every night.”
Hoseok stood up, backing away to get out of the booth. Yoongi stood up with him, watching in confusion as he made his way to the door. He quickly packed up his things, grabbing his lunch and the spoon haphazardly to follow after Hoseok.
“Where are you going? Usually we leave when the radio starts playing,” Yoongi frowned.
Hoseok opened the door to the cafe, letting Yoongi go out first as a courtesy, “Well, I was technically supposed to be on my way back to the base already. There’s some things happening that they want us in for, hence the uniform. But I wanted to spend a little more time with you. That seemed like a good note to leave on though.”
“Well, take this. And make it back safe, okay,” Yoongi pouted. He handed Hoseok the bowl and looked down at the ground, trying to ignore how hot his cheeks were and how good Hoseok looked in his coat and uniform. “I’ll see you on Friday.”
Hoseok was silent for a long minute. He stepped closer to Yoongi, shrugging off his coat, “Take this, Yoongi. You’re shivering.”
Yoongi stood still as Hoseok wrapped his coat around him. Hoseok’s warmth immediately wrapped around Yoongi, and the smell of him filled Yoongi’s senses. Everything about Hoseok was so comforting. Like a big, nostalgic hug.
“I know you lost your husband and that must hurt a lot still, but please. Give me a chance in your head, even if it’s just for a second,” Hoseok whispered. He let his hand linger over Yoongi’s shoulder for just a moment. He let out a sound in between a laugh and a sigh, “I’ve been thinking a lot. And…I think I could make you really happy. So, if you need anything at all, and I mean anything. Just tell me. I want to get close to you in any way I can, I want to be someone you can rely on. As a friend at least, or more if you ever want me to be.”
It’s as close to a confession as Yoongi could take without breaking down crying. And as close to a confession as they probably would ever get before Hoseok realizes that he’s never going to get that chance.
And it drives Yoongi crazy a little bit. Because, no matter how hard he told himself not to think of Hoseok as a possibility, Hoseok and his heart and his body screamed at him to ignore that. His stupid, stupid heart that couldn’t learn its lesson from last time. And Hoseok who was so sweet and bold and refreshingly honest about what he wanted.
“I like you, Yoongi. You’re fun to be around and you make me smile and, I may not be quite so infatuated with you anymore, but I still can’t help but think about you at every minute that my mind isn’t preoccupied,” Hoseok admitted. He stepped away from Yoongi, trying to catch Yoongi’s eyes somehow. “And…I don’t know, I get the feeling that you think about me too sometimes. But…maybe that’s just me hoping that you do.”
They were silent for a long moment, both of them standing in wait for the other to say something, before Hoseok sighed, “Sorry. I don’t know what I’m rambling about. I don’t usually say it outright like this. But don’t feel pressured. I’m more than happy with just being friends with you if that’s what you tell me you want.”
“I just want to be friends,” Yoongi quietly replied.
Hoseok’s face fell for just a second, his smile flickering back onto his face. He simply nodded and bowed his head just a little bit in a somber sort of goodbye.
Yoongi was quiet as Hoseok walked away. He didn’t know what to say, but he did know that he’d just made a mistake. The way his heart felt like it was pierced open when Hoseok’s smile broke was enough to tell him that he shouldn’t have brushed it off so quickly — even if he knew that he didn’t want to be with Hoseok.
It took all of Hoseok’s strength to not cry as he entered the base.
Maybe he’d been lying just a little bit about his true feelings for Yoongi. Hoseok didn’t want to only spend a night with Yoongi. Perhaps it had started that way. A deep form of lust and attraction.
But after over a month of knowing each other now…a month where Hoseok seemed to be able to do nothing but smile and look forward to seeing Yoongi and fawn over every single motion Yoongi made. Hoseok knew he really, really liked Yoongi. Not nearly just sexually anymore. He wanted to take Yoongi out on perfect little dates and make him smile just to kiss him and fight with him and make up in each other’s arms.
Hoseok wanted to fall asleep with Yoongi in his arms, keeping him warm even when he was feeling lonely or having a hard night.
And…well, he’d thought that maybe Yoongi was a little bit interested in him too. Hoseok wasn’t blind. He could see how Yoongi blushed and got shy when Hoseok brought up sex or started flirting with him. But…with how quickly Yoongi shut him down, those moments suddenly seemed a lot different. Like Hoseok was making him uncomfortable.
That feeling was worse than the rejection.
Hoseok sat down on his bed, looking around at his sleeping unit-mates.
For the first time since Hoseok joined the army, he wished he was back home with his grandparents.
~~~
Yoongi didn’t hear from Hoseok again until Friday. Not a single letter, no appearances at the cafe. But…maybe that was to be expected. Hoseok did say he’d be busy. But, usually, even when he couldn’t come, he’d still write something.
And no, Yoongi wasn’t waiting nervously for him or anything. He just…passingly wondered every single time the door opened if it was Hoseok. And it didn’t mean anything that Yoongi wore Hoseok’s coat every moment that he could to feel Hoseok’s lingering warmth again.
In all honesty, Yoongi wasn’t even sure that Hoseok was coming anymore. That was okay though. Yoongi understood. It would probably be awkward eating dinner with someone just a few days after they completely rejected you and took your coat. But, if you had plans, the least you could do was tell them that you weren’t coming.
Yoongi sat at home for most of those few days, figuring out what he should make for them and worrying about whether or not Hoseok was going to show up. Maybe it would be okay though. Yoongi was used to making meals for two with no one to eat it.
This birthday would just be another passing of the years then. The sad, boring little step from 23 to 24.
On Friday, Yoongi was a nervous wreck. Nothing was ready because Yoongi didn’t think that it was a big deal at all. It was just Hoseok, probably not coming to his house for his birthday. But, on the morning of, he woke up and realized that it was Hoseok. Coming to his mess of a home.
Yoongi knew that his pride wouldn’t let Hoseok see him as a wreck.
The entire morning and early afternoon was spent cleaning up everything and reorganizing. By the time Yoongi was done, his house looked like it belonged to a person who didn’t just finish mourning their husband half a year ago and not bothered to clean it up for months.
One itty, bitty, tiny problem. By the time Yoongi was done, it was 3:35. Which left him just under 2 hours and 30 minutes to get himself ready and get cooking.
Yoongi ran to draw a bath, quickly picking out his outfit as the water filled the tub. But Yoongi had never found it this hard before. Everything he chose, a little voice in his mind asked him, “What would Hoseok think of this? Does he like this shirt? Those pants? That belt?”
Eventually, Yoongi just grabbed the pair of pants Hoseok complimented him on and a cream colored button up with lace sleeve detailings. Nothing too fancy that would get Hoseok thinking that Yoongi had lied about his feelings, but nothing that Hoseok wouldn’t like. Although, even Yoongi had to be honest in saying that, no matter what he wore, Hoseok would love it.
Bathing took Yoongi just 30 minutes — much longer than Yoongi would have liked but much shorter than usual. He got into his outfit, making sure that everything was on properly before he moved to his makeup box. He didn’t have much besides some blush, a small eyeshadow palette, and a lip gloss. All from before the war began.
Those same things would probably cost 10 times more now.
Yoongi very carefully put some blush onto his cheeks and the tip of his nose, followed by glittery eyeshadow on his eye. Yoongi loved the way it made him look like jelly.
The moment Yoongi was done getting ready, he ran downstairs and threw his apron on to begin cooking. He chopped up mushrooms, tomatoes, onions, garlic, and parsley, throwing them into their own, separate bowls. Yoongi quickly kneaded the flower, ignoring the stage where he was supposed to let the dough rest and immediately ran to get the pasta machine he and husband had gotten during their wedding.
It was possibly the fanciest thing Yoongi owned, and one of the things he cherished the most from his time with his husband.
The first time they had used it, Yoongi’s husband messed it up so badly that they almost broke it for good. They spent nearly two hours repairing it together and trying to salvage their dinner plans for the night.
Yoongi looked at the little steel machine with a long sigh, losing himself in the memories for just a moment before he remembered what he was doing.
He threw the garlic and onions and some seasonings into the pan, frying them up before he added in the tomatoes and mushrooms. He was pretty light handed with the seasoning — they were pretty expensive during war time. Hoseok probably wouldn’t mind. It was more than likely that he was used to only salt and pepper in food at this point.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Yoongi jumped at the sound, looking around at the confusion. He could see Hoseok’s figure outside the blurred, heart shaped window built into the door. The clock on his wall read 6:05, and Yoongi internally kicked himself.
It didn’t usually take him this long to cook. How had 2 hours passed by so fast??
Yoongi ran to open the door, beating the flour off of his apron as quickly as he could.
The door opened, and there was Hoseok. Smiling at him despite what had happened the last time they saw each other. Hoseok had a little slice of cake in hand, clearly the strawberry shortcake from the cafe. But he had stuck a little match in it in lieu of a candle.
“Happy birthday, Yoongi. Sorry I’m late, I had to run to get this for you,” Hoseok smiled nervously. It was weird to see him so unconfident, but Yoongi knew deep down that it was because of him. “It smells really good in there.”
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok, a small, shy smile spreading across his face before he could control himself, “Thank you. Dinner’s not quite ready yet, so you can just make yourself comfortable.”
Hoseok stepped inside, looking around at Yoongi’s home with a seeming fascination. His eyes landed on the little altar for Yoongi’s husband and the jewelry dish in front of it. He bowed to it and slipped his silver ring off, carefully placing it in the glass right next to Yoongi’s.
They walked into the kitchen, Hoseok following barely a few steps behind Yoongi.
“Can I help you with anything? You look like you’ve got a lot on your hands here,” Hoseok asked. He looked down at the saucepan Yoongi had out, taking in a deep breath. “Holy shit, this smells amazing.”
Yoongi looked to the side at the uncooked noodles and shook his head, “No, no. You go sit down. Make yourself comfortable. It might be a little while.”
Hoseok glanced at the pot of boiling water right next to Yoongi’s saucepan. He grabbed the noodles, sliding them into the water with a little sideways smile, “I’d rather help. That’s what friends are for, aren’t they?”
Yoongi looked down at the saucepan, stirring around the tomatoes with a little nod. He didn’t think that hearing that would feel so weird. But Yoongi really appreciated it.
Hoseok was always very respectful. Even when he was blatantly saying how much he wanted to sleep with Yoongi. Yoongi could always feel Hoseok’s eyes on his face, checking to make sure that he was comfortable.
He also didn’t touch Yoongi as much as Yoongi knew he wanted to. Yoongi could feel the moments when their hands brushed together while they were walking, or when Hoseok’s hand just happened to be a little close to Yoongi’s leg, or when it was clear that Hoseok wanted to give him a hug.
They worked together in silence. And, somehow, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Even when Yoongi accidentally backed up into Hoseok because he forgot that it wasn’t just him in the kitchen at the moment.
“Careful there,” Hoseok chuckled. “Big human behind you.”
“I’m only a few inches shorter than you and not much lighter,” Yoongi pointed out. He added the cream and cheese into the sauce, rolling his eyes, “I’m as tall as you with my shoes on.”
Hoseok shook his head with a little smile, “Keep your shoes off. You’re cute when you’re small. Like a little kitten. Where did you learn how to cook so well, pretty kitty? From mama cat? Or papa cat?”
“I am not a kitty,” Yoongi huffed. He grabbed the colander full of cooked pasta away from Hoseok, dumping it into the saucepan.
Hoseok grabbed the two plates Yoongi had set out. He put them down right next to Yoongi with a teasing tone in his voice as he replied, “You never denied the pretty part.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes at Hoseok as he poured the pasta out into the plates. He handed them to Hoseok, ignoring his comment as he watched Hoseok take the plates to the dinner table.
It was…strange, honestly. To see Hoseok sitting down at the table instead of the empty space. Yoongi didn’t know how to feel about it. How were you supposed to feel after not being alone at night for so long? After not being alone on your birthday for the first time in years?
Suddenly, Yoongi’s heart was hit with a strange sort of hope. The thoughts of Hoseok eating at the dinner table every night, filling the house with his warm presence, and lighting up the room with his smiles and jokes filled Yoongi’s head.
Even Yoongi couldn’t deny how…good that sounded. But Yoongi’s heart was quickly weighed down with melancholia knowing that it couldn’t have that.
“Hey, I can’t have a delicious birthday meal without the birthday boy,” Hoseok called out.
Yoongi joined him at the table. Hoseok began eating almost immediately, clearly hungry from whatever he’d been doing.
They talked about little things as they ate. Hoseok complimented Yoongi’s cooking every chance he could get. And neither of them mentioned the elephant in the room. The candle between them flickered gently, lighting the room in soft shades of orange and making the mood feel undeniably romantic.
Yoongi felt like he was back in the city, 17, just starting to live out on his own. He had worked at a library back then, taking care of the books and tracking who checked them out. The pay wasn’t great, but Yoongi saved it diligently. With the exception of the weekend nights.
The moment the sun set, Yoongi would slip out to a night club in his best clothes and nicest shoes. The band would be in full swing, people dancing in pairs on the floor while the rest looked around for someone to dance with.
It never took long for Yoongi to be asked to dance, the man of the night leaving him breathless without fail. Yoongi never went home with them. But, the men that he did like, he would go out on dates with on the weekdays. They took him to candlelit dinners, laughing and joking like they had been friends their entire life, and parted ways at the end of the night.
It was never serious.
The war was looming over their heads, and, while they couldn’t have known how much their world would change back then, they all could feel that it was coming. The newspaper every day was reporting how tensions were increasing. The library Yoongi worked at lost half of its employees as the government started pulling funding to push into their military in preparation for something devastating. Nobody wanted to start something that would survive a few months at most.
It was never serious, until it was.
In the midst of all of the dread and fear, the night clubs remained open. Not quite as full as before, for sure. But open nonetheless. And, on his 18th birthday, Yoongi accepted a dance from a guy who was admittedly a horrible dancer. But Yoongi was having a bad day (his parents yet again hadn’t reached out to him) and the boy was so charming.
“What happened then?”
Yoongi glanced down at his empty plate.
When the man asked him if he wanted to go home with him, Yoongi decided to say yes. There was nothing about him in particular that was special just yet. He just made Yoongi feel so happy.
Yoongi closed his eyes and thought about that night. How it was so terrifying, but he made Yoongi feel so safe. Everything was at Yoongi’s pace. And there was something so nice about not being rushed. Yoongi had felt for the first time in a long while as if they had all the time in the world.
Everything happened so quickly after that. Yoongi woke up with him, and they started spending every night together that they could. Every morning, they’d lie down and admire each other. To them, it felt as if they were taking it slow. Everything and everyone around them was moving so fast in a race to beat out the start of a war. But, objectively, they’d gotten engaged in a little under a year.
Around the one year mark, they got married. A few weeks later, they moved to town in a little cottage that Yoongi’s husband built for them himself. And just a month or so after that, the war started.
They stopped the conversation right there to clean up the dinner table.
Strangely, Yoongi wasn’t sad. Even after telling Hoseok all of that. In a weird way, he felt relieved. Like telling someone how they met and not feeling the grief hit him again lifted a weight off of his shoulders.
And of course Hoseok listened diligently. Yoongi knew it must have hurt to hear how quickly things had moved for Yoongi and his husband. Especially now that Hoseok knew, no matter what he did, they’d never be anything more than friends.
Hoseok moved Yoongi to the living room, sitting him down on the couch. Yoongi watched, leaning on the arm of his couch, as Hoseok opened up his lighter, lighting a match he stuck into the cake slice in lieu of a candle.
Matches were expensive nowadays, but candles even moreso. The only reason Yoongi and the townspeople could afford to have them was because they had a local candlemaker who refused to raise prices — even though it hurt his livelihood.
“Careful, don’t burn my house down,” Yoongi chuckled as Hoseok carefully walked towards him.
Hoseok waved his hand dismissively, “It’s okay. You can live with me in the base if that happens. I’m sure they’d love having a translator who’s forced to be there all the time.”
He gingerly handed the cake off to Yoongi, sitting next to him with an excited smile on his face, “Make a wish, Yoongi.”
The last thing Yoongi saw before he closed his eyes was Hoseok. So, of course a traitorous thought slipped into his head right as he blew on the match.
I wish we could spend every night together like this.
“What did you wish for,” Hoseok asked curiously.
Yoongi opened his eyes to find that Hoseok was handing him a fork. He looked down at it, still shocked at the thought that slipped into his head. How was he supposed to explain that to Hoseok?
“Actually, I guess you shouldn’t say. Because then it won’t come true. So don’t tell me,” Hoseok hummed. He placed one hand underneath the plate, his fingers just barely touching Yoongi’s. “You should get the first bite, Yoongi. You deserve it.”
Yoongi took a little chunk out of the cake with his fork. The frosting was a little bit melted, and the strawberries were a little bit ripe by now. But somehow it tasted even better than it usually did.
Suddenly, Yoongi felt a finger against the corner of his lip. He moved backwards on instinct, his heart racing as he realized it wasn’t just Hoseok’s thumb. His entire hand was hovering over the side of Yoongi’s jaw.
“Sorry. You just had a little bit of frosting right there,” Hoseok mumbled. He looked down at the frosting on his finger, staring at it for a hesitant second before he licked it off. “I forgot, you don’t like being touched. I’ll just tell you next time. That was my bad.”
Yoongi hated the look on Hoseok’s face. Hated how heartbroken he looked. Yoongi didn’t ever want Hoseok to look like that. Especially not because of him.
“It’s okay. It just startled me, is all,” Yoongi whispered. He placed his hand on Hoseok’s reassuringly with a smile, “Thank you for the cake, Hoseok, and for coming. It’s been a while since I’ve spent my birthday with someone.”
Hoseok let out a long sigh, staring at the records on the shelf blankly, “Maybe, when all of this is over, I’ll get you a proper birthday cake with a real candle. And we can celebrate together,”
“We’ll celebrate yours too. But this is enough for me, Hoseok,” Yoongi smiled.
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok’s face. Their eyes met, and Yoongi felt butterflies begin to rise in his stomach. He looked away on instinct, lowering his eyes to Hoseok’s neck.
“I should probably go before it gets too dark out,” Hoseok sighed.
“Yeah, probably,” Yoongi nodded.
Yoongi leaned in, holding his arms out for a goodbye hug. But, suddenly, he felt a pair of lips on his.
Something inside Yoongi exploded as Hoseok kissed him. His mouth was so warm, and Yoongi could taste the sweetness of the cake on his lips. And something about Hoseok made Yoongi feel so good. Yoongi couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this safe and happy.
Yoongi pulled away in shock, his fingers flying up to his mouth to check if that had really just happened. He could still feel the lingering warmth on his lips, burning him.
Yoongi wanted to cry and kick Hoseok out and kiss him again all at the same time.
“You weren’t going in for a kiss, were you,” Hoseok quietly asked. Yoongi didn’t have to answer. Hoseok stood up, looking down at the floor. “Yeah, I should go now. It was nice seeing you, Yoongi.”
Seeing Hoseok’s back walking away again hurt so much more than Yoongi expected. Before he could even understand why he was doing it, his hands wrapped around Hoseok’s wrist.
“Wait. It’s cold outside,” Yoongi mumbled. He looked down at his hands as they slid down to Hoseok’s hands. “And it’s a long walk back to the base.”
Hoseok’s hand squeezed Yoongi’s, his smile audible in his voice as he quietly replied, “And I might get attacked by a tiger if I go now, won’t I? I hear there’s been some prowling around this area.”
Yoongi felt the couch shift as Hoseok sat back down. Hoseok’s hand moved to cup his face, and his hand hovered around Yoongi’s waist.
This time, the pull was slow. Hoseok gently leaned in until their faces were just centimeters away. Yoongi let his eyes flutter closed, his heart getting the better of him as he leaned back and allowed Hoseok to fall on top of him.
Hoseok did most of the work, his hands gently running all over Yoongi’s body as they kissed each other. Yoongi ran his fingers over Hoseok’s stomach. He could feel every ridge of muscle and just how fit Hoseok actually was underneath his shirt. They kept their kiss closed mouth, but Yoongi could feel Hoseok’s boner on his inner thigh through the cargos.
A little moan fluttered out of Yoongi as Hoseok leaned into him even further, his dick sliding up Yoongi’s thigh even further.
Yoongi felt Hoseok smile against his lips, pulling away just a little bit to laugh, “You sound so pretty. Am I allowed to hear any more?”
Hoseok began kissing Yoongi’s neck, all the way down to his collarbone as Yoongi smiled, “If you can make me again, sure.”
Yoongi didn’t know what he was expecting when he said that. But he sure as hell wasn’t thinking that Hoseok was going to grab him and flip him over like he was a paper doll. Yoongi felt himself get thrown up yet again, this time landing squarely on Hoseok’s lap.
Two hands grabbed the waistband of Yoongi’s pants, pausing right there in a silent question. Yoongi nodded ever so slightly and watched as Hoseok undid his pants.
Hoseok caught Yoongi’s lips in a kiss again, but this time there was nothing slow about it. Everything was happening so fast. Yoongi could barely pinpoint the exact moment Hoseok’s hands found Yoongi’s pussy.
And you know me. I’m too much of a romantic to even spend a night with him. He’s so handsome, I think I’d start to fall in love much too easily.
Falling in love again…
With Hoseok…
“Wait, stop,” Yoongi whispered. He pulled away from Hoseok, pushing him with one hand and trying his best to button his shirt up again with the other. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. I can’t do this.”
Hoseok let go of Yoongi’s body, only resting his hands on Yoongi’s knees and watching worriedly as Yoongi curled up into a little ball, shaking and breathing heavily. He didn’t make any noise of protest.
Instead, he gently rubbed Yoongi’s knees with his thumbs and asked, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m…I’m fine,” Yoongi gulped. He stared at Hoseok’s hands, moving his own to rest over them. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. You’re cute and all…but I— I don’t…like you— at least in that way. A-and I can’t do this to myself again. I’m really sorry, I— I…”
“Hey, it’s okay,” Hoseok whispered. He pulled Yoongi closer to him, pressing a kiss to the top of Yoongi’s head with a little smirk. “I’m just happy that you think I’m cute.”
Yoongi couldn’t help but laugh at Hoseok’s joke. He slapped Hoseok on the arm as he giggled, “You’re so silly, Hoseok. Is that all you took away from that? That I think you’re cute??”
“And that you think I’m funny,” Hoseok smiled. He rested his head on Yoongi’s knees, looking up at him with a very intentionally cute pout, “But, since I was planning to stay the night anyways, can I still stay? I don’t want to be bitten by some tigers.”
Yoongi leaned down a little bit to place his head on top of his hands, his face just centimeters away from Hoseok’s. Yoongi’s heart fluttered excitedly as he nodded, “Yeah. You can stay in the bedroom upstairs with me. This couch isn’t very comfortable to sleep on at all.”
They went upstairs and got ready for bed side by side. Yoongi tried to loan Hoseok a pair of pajamas, but both his and his late husband’s were too small for Hoseok. So he ended up just wearing his cargos with no t-shirt.
By the time they got in bed, Yoongi never wanted to go to sleep. He’d forgotten what this felt like. To have someone by your side at night, getting ready to go to bed together with the warmth of being in each other’s presence filling the spaces where the demons that lurked behind usually sat.
And there was a strange, familiar feeling Yoongi couldn’t quite pinpoint. Not until they laid their heads down and were hours into their conversation.
Yoongi didn’t realize that spending the night with Hoseok didn’t just mean sleeping with him.
As Yoongi fell asleep against Hoseok’s bare chest, he finally let his mind breathe the feeling into a single thought.
I’m falling in love with you, Hoseok.
~~~
When Yoongi woke up the next morning, he was alone, with only a little note explaining that Hoseok had to leave to check in with the base.
Somehow, the house felt even colder than before.
~~~~
The next time Yoongi saw Hoseok was just outside the cafe. He stood outside, waiting for it to open, when a very familiar face came walking up the hill with flowers in hand.
Hoseok’s face lit up the moment he saw Yoongi, his step gaining a bounce to it as he broke out into a run towards Yoongi. He held the flowers out to Yoongi as he stopped right in front of Yoongi.
“Hi,” Hoseok smiled excitedly. He nudged them towards Yoongi, urging him to take them in his hands.
Yoongi grabbed the flowers and gave it a long smell before putting it into his tote bag. They didn’t smell like much. But something rose-tinted in Yoongi’s brain made it feel like the best scent in the world.
“Hey,” Yoongi replied.
“I’m really sorry I had to leave. We have a mandated check in time, so even if we spend the night away, we have to leave pretty early, and I didn’t want to wake you,” Hoseok apologized.
Yoongi waved his hand dismissively, “It’s okay. Really. I was more than happy with just having someone sleeping in the bed with me again. I can’t remember the last time I was that warm at night.”
“Is that all I am to you? A bed warmer,” Hoseok pouted. He stepped closer to Yoongi, his hands finding Yoongi’s waist. Yoongi couldn’t find it in himself to back away. “I’m just glad you trust me now. And that you think I’m cute.”
Yoongi rolled his eyes at Hoseok and smiled, “Who said you were cute? Certainly not me.”
“Well, you clearly think I’m handsome enough to start kissing. But how about this, if you think I’m handsome and sexy and the coolest guy alive, come to the bookstore with me and walk with me around town,” Hoseok suggested.
Yoongi scrunched his nose in distaste knowing that Hoseok had defeated him. As strong as his willpower was, there was no winning for Yoongi when books were involved. And, now, it seemed as if that applied to Hoseok as well. Yoongi’s heart grew stronger than his head with every passing second he spent falling for Hoseok.
They started moving together, Hoseok’s hands jumping from Yoongi’s waist to his wrists as they walked next door. Even though Hoseok walked in front of him, Yoongi could see his wide smile from the implication that Yoongi thought he was all of those things.
Hoseok and Yoongi walked into the bookstore, Hoseok immediately leading Yoongi to a section in the back where the romances were. It seemed as if Hoseok had already planned everything out. Because, soon, they were in the little corner that Yoongi liked to spend his time in. The books were aligned to make the red ones a heart shape.
“Just to be clear, I didn’t do that. And that’s not what I wanted to show you,” Hoseok hummed. He looked around the shelves for a second, his fingers grazing over the edges of the books until he found what he was looking for. “RM. A self-titled poetry collection. It just came in from the city a little bit ago through the base. And they even have Indigo here, but I don’t think I could read it without your translations.”
Hoseok handed the book to Yoongi, letting him quickly examine it and flip through the pages. It felt legitimate. But there were some Yeongeo parts of it that he knew he’d have to translate for Hoseok if he were to want to understand the full meaning.
But maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. Yoongi loved sitting down and translating and explaining things to Hoseok. Hoseok was one of the few people in Yoongi’s entire life that ever listened to him without making Yoongi feel like he was wasting their time. Hoseok always looked like he actually wanted to know what Yoongi had to say.
“How did you learn Yeongeo,” Hoseok interrupted. He propped his head up with his hand, cocking his head at Yoongi. “You seem really fluent in it.”
Yoongi leaned his head to the side, pressing a finger to his lips, “Don’t tell anyone, because it might get me shipped away. But my birth father is from Yeong. My legal parents are Korean, but my birth father lived with us. So I was taught it growing up in the city.”
“Guess I have to arrest you now,” Hoseok smiled. He grabbed Yoongi’s wrists, pushing them up against the side of the bookcase. Their faces were just centimeters away and Yoongi could hear his heart beating loudly in his ears. “Since you admitted this to me, I’ll let you decide. What should your sentence be?”
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s lips, his silence answering the question for him.
Hoseok leaned in slowly, closing his eyes. Yoongi couldn’t move. No matter how much his brain screamed at him to move his head to avoid the kiss — to avoid becoming something more than just friends with Hoseok — his heart’s needs suddenly outweighed everything else.
The feeling of a smile against Yoongi’s lips, sitting in a little patch of sunlight, surrounded by books, and each other’s bodies was so blissful. Yoongi let himself sit there for a long moment as Hoseok kissed him, trying his very hardest not to smile into the kiss too. He simply sat there and let himself bathe in Hoseok’s affections.
It had been so long since Yoongi was last cared for like this. And, now that he had it again, the time felt so much longer — the longing to be touched so much more dramatic.
He felt like a character in a romance novel, swept off his feet by the charming knight who was willing to fight dragons for him.
Hoseok pushed in deeper, his tongue making its way into Yoongi’s mouth. A little moan slipped out of Yoongi’s mouth before he could even think to hold it in. The feeling of Hoseok’s tongue intruding into his mouth was just too overwhelming.
“You’re so beautiful,” Hoseok chuckled against Yoongi’s lips. He leaned in further, his hand moving to squeeze Yoongi’s thigh. “I wish you could see yourself the way I do. The entire world is in shades of gray because of the war. But, here you are, and the sunlight is always shining on you. Bright pink and soft yellow and orange. There’s a light that never goes out around you, Yoongi. You’re glowing. I can’t think of anyone or anything else when I’m with you.”
Yoongi felt his cheeks grow warm and his stomach twist at Hoseok’s almost-confession. But something vile entered his heart at the thought of Hoseok thinking of other people.
Yoongi pulled away from the kiss, breathless as he tilted his head away from the shelf, “Do you think about other people when you aren’t with me? I doubt that I can believe that you’re so enamored with me if you do.”
“Well, not since yesterday. But, sometimes,” Hoseok admitted. He cupped Yoongi’s face gingerly, as if Yoongi were a precious gem in danger of shattering at the slightest pressure. “But never more than a wandering thought when I feel like I’m moving towards you too fast.”
Yoongi just nodded, standing up almost immediately, “Come on. Let’s walk around town.”
They got their things together and approached the front desk with their books. The kind old man that ran the place came out after a few minutes, glasses dusty from dusting the older books off.
“Hello Mr. Choi,” Yoongi smiled. He set the books on the counter, placing them face down for him. Hoseok mirrored Yoongi’s action with his books hesitantly. “How have you been?”
Mr. Choi grabbed the books, glancing up at Yoongi before looking closely at the tags, “As good as one can be nowadays. We’ve got a new shipment in! I began cataloging them, but it looks like you already knew that.”
Yoongi and Hoseok looked at each other, exchanging a smile.
“Oh! You haven’t introduced me to your new friend yet. I saw you two talking in that little nook. A very cozy spot indeed,” Mr. Choi beamed. He placed his hands on top of Yoongi’s, his smile shifting into something softer. “You know, we all loved Youngdae so. But there isn’t a single person in this town who doesn’t wish for you to be happy. You keep yourself so isolated up in that cottage. I’m glad you have a lover to keep you from being alone.”
And, suddenly, everything crashed back down into reality. Yoongi felt his euphoria crash into the ground, his feelings for Hoseok suddenly feeling like poison eating away at what was left of his heart.
Hoseok looked at Yoongi, his face full of hope.
Hoseok was young. And he was passionate. And he was a soldier.
“He’s my friend,” Yoongi corrected quietly. His face burned as he took their books back, his eyes refusing to meet Hoseok’s crestfallen face. “It was nice seeing you, Mr. Choi. Take care of yourself.”
Mr. Choi simply sighed and nodded, “You as well. Just make sure that this friend doesn’t slip away from you. Friendships like that are hard to come by nowadays.”
They left the bookstore completely silent.
Yoongi turned right to walk away from the cafe, Hoseok following closely behind. Suddenly, Yoongi felt hyper aware of the fact that Hoseok was wearing combat boots even as they were out on the town.
Hoseok’s hand reached out to Yoongi’s, trying to grab it as they walked. But Yoongi only moved his away the moment he felt Hoseok’s brush against him.
“What’s wrong, Yoongi,” Hoseok asked quietly.
Yoongi looked up at Hoseok. His heart was barely able to stand how hurt Hoseok looked, but he stood his ground, “Hoseok, we’re not…anything. And we aren’t going to be anything but friends. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Hoseok replied. He gingerly took Yoongi’s hand as they walked, smiling at him reassuringly, “You don’t have to worry about me, Yoongi. We are what we are. As long as it means I get to touch you and kiss you, I’m the happiest man in the world.”
Yoongi tried to walk faster to escape from Hoseok before he could see his flushed cheeks, but Hoseok grabbed on tight to his hand and swung him around. Yoongi found himself spun back into Hoseok’s arms, Hoseok’s hand wrapped snugly around his waist as they stared at each other.
“There’s nobody around. Can I kiss you,” Hoseok asked.
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s lips and nodded, leaning in before Hoseok could. They shared a quick kiss before breaking away, looking around to make sure that there was nobody around that could ask them what they were again.
“Hey, could I sleep at your place again? It’s so much warmer than the base,” Hoseok pouted cutely.
Who was Yoongi to say no?
~~~
March slipped away into April then May, and Hoseok had spent more nights in Yoongi’s bed than his own. It had almost become routine for them now.
If Hoseok didn’t have anything to do, they would spend the day together in the bookstore or talking in the cafe about anything and everything — mostly about literature. Yoongi would have lunch prepared for both of them. If they were in the privacy of the bookstore, they would kiss and curl up with each other. If they were in the cafe, they simply sat close to each other.
Then they’d walk to Yoongi’s house together, laughing and joking as they prepared dinner together. If Hoseok was busy during the day, he would simply head there himself and hopefully catch Yoongi before he ate. Either way, they ended up sitting together on the couch, reading or touching each other until they were sleepy enough to retire to the upstairs. Hungry kisses and longing stares were always involved — always on Hoseok’s part.
On days where Yoongi went in to translate, Hoseok slipped away from the mess and into the translator’s room. Sometimes there’d be others there, sometimes it’d just be Yoongi. Either way, they sat on the windowsill and ate together until they had to go back to their business. At the end of the long day of teasing and physical exercise, Hoseok and Yoongi walked back to Yoongi’s house together to have a breath of fresh air from the war effort.
Yoongi was always a breath of fresh air. No matter how long it had been, Yoongi was like a sunset. Every single time Hoseok saw him, he was exhilarated again – as if he’d never seen or held him before.
Hoseok hated being at the base nowadays anyways. The other soldiers were quick to notice how little time Hoseok spent in his bed anymore. Hoseok was constantly being teased about having a special someone on the side — even when they were hard at work.
It was annoying.
Because Yoongi wasn’t just a special someone. Hoseok had never been more sure of anything in his life. Yoongi was the special someone.
Hoseok didn’t even care about the fact that Yoongi refused to say that they were anything more than friends. As badly as Hoseok wanted to be Yoongi’s lover, he knew that what they had wasn’t just friendship. No matter what they called it, nothing would change. And Hoseok understood why Yoongi was so hesitant.
The only thing that made Hoseok sad was that he couldn’t scream and shout to the rooftops about how much he loved Yoongi. They didn’t do anything where anyone could see them — Yoongi very badly wanted to avoid what had happened with Mr. Choi months ago — but Hoseok wanted nothing more than to dance with Yoongi and make sure everyone in town knew that their precious Yoongi was being taken care of.
Yoongi may provide Hoseok with all of the food and a warm bed to sleep in even as the nights began to grow hotter, but Hoseok took care of Yoongi in little, meaningful ways too. When Yoongi would close his eyes and melt into Hoseok’s touch, Hoseok knew that he made Yoongi feel better after a long day or a hard night.
There was always one thing that Yoongi never denied when it came to Hoseok, and that was how safe and comfortable he made Yoongi feel. Hoseok knew in his heart of hearts that that was barely anything, but he loved Yoongi — so it was everything.
Hoseok sat down in the bed and pressed a gentle kiss to Yoongi’s face.
It was early in the morning. The sun had barely begun to rise. And Hoseok had to leave yet again. But, of course, Hoseok couldn’t leave without staring at Yoongi for a little while longer.
The gentle rays of sun were peeking through the window, framing Yoongi’s face in a soft glow. Hoseok wanted nothing more than to photograph him and put it in his pocketwatch’s face. Just to look at and smile.
Yoongi scrunched up his nose at the feeling of Hoseok’s lips against his face, eyes slowly fluttering open as his lips parted to mumble, “Are you going already?”
“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed. “It’s sunrise already, cutie.”
Yoongi rolled over, grabbing onto Hoseok’s waist tiredly with a little pout, “You should’ve woken me up. I could have made you some breakfast and gotten your clothes off of the drying line.”
Hoseok pressed kisses all over Yoongi’s face and smiled, “I’ve been in your house long enough to know where your drying line is, Yoongi. Your peppers are growing in beautifully, by the way. I was salivating as I was walking through your garden, thinking of the food you’ll make.”
Not that Hoseok was biased or anything, but Yoongi truly made the best food. There was nothing that he’d cooked that Hoseok didn’t like — with the exception of that one time Hoseok accidentally spilled Yoongi’s black pepper into the food, but that wasn’t Yoongi’s fault. He was teaching Hoseok how to be better in the kitchen anyways.
Hoseok could never have the knack for it like Yoongi did though. Besides, he preferred to distract the chef with little kisses and attempts to sneak a taste of the food before it was done.
Yoongi opened his mouth to speak but, before he could, a siren ripped through the air like a high pitched shriek.
They both shot up, recognizing the sound in an instant. It was an air raid alert. But…there hadn’t been one in months. And usually, they happened in the nighttime — when there was the cover of night to hide the planes in. Why had nobody known they were coming?
Hoseok grabbed Yoongi’s wrist, pulling him out of the bedroom. Yoongi pointed Hoseok in the direction of the water as he grabbed food and the photo of his husband.
“Over here,” Yoongi called out.
He led Hoseok to the area right around the side of the house, where the stone opening to his little bunker/basement lay waiting for them. Hoseok opened up the hatch for Yoongi, helping him go down the small ladder before he went down himself.
Hoseok closed the door as he climbed down the ladder. It was completely dark inside, but Yoongi quickly flipped a switch. A string of lightbulbs about 5 feet apart from each other lit up the stairwell. The sound of the sirens was still blaring in the background. But, as they walked down, it began to quiet just enough for it to be bearable.
They didn’t go too far before they reached a room that looked more like the inside of a metal box. It was cold inside, but not unbearably so. There were water rations on the shelves, some cans of ham, and pickled daikon radish sitting in jars labeled from just about 5 months ago.
Not long before they first met.
A table was pushed into the corner along with a little bed to make it feel more comfortable. But Hoseok wasn’t sure how comfortable a bomb shelter could really be.
Yoongi placed the little bins of food he’d grabbed on the shelves, glancing back at Hoseok. His face was calm and collected, but Hoseok could see the fear in his eyes and his fingers fiddling with the hem of his nightgown nervously.
Hoseok walked up to Yoongi, wrapping his jacket around him. The little medals clinked together as Yoongi pulled the sides together to cover himself more.
“I should’ve brought a wrap,” Yoongi mumbled. He looked up at the shelves of food, grabbing one of the jars of radish to check if it was still good. “Do you have a pocketwatch in here, Hoseok?”
“Mhm,” Hoseok nodded. He slipped his hand into the pocket right above Yoongi’s stomach, pulling out the little brass watch. Yoongi pushed on the little top part to open it, his mouth twisting into a little frown at the time. “It’s really early for this.”
Yoongi thumbed at the empty space in Hoseok’s watch, nodding, “Usually, when they start early, it lasts for a long time.”
Hoseok took the jar out of Yoongi’s hand, putting it back on the shelf. He pressed a kiss to the back of Yoongi’s head and wrapped his arms around Yoongi’s waist with a soft sigh of relief. Yoongi looked back at him like he was crazy, but his body told Hoseok how much better the small action made him feel.
“Everything’s going to be okay, my sunshine,” Hoseok whispered.
A smile played at Yoongi’s lips as he stared at their provisions, his voice coming out almost like a soft laugh as he asked, “Your sunshine?”
“I’m just trying it out. Do you not like it,” Hoseok asked.
Yoongi shook his head, “No, I like it. I just didn’t expect.”
They were silent for a moment, but Hoseok was just glad that it wasn’t uncomfortable. Their minds were just a little preoccupied with other things. Like the war suddenly feeling a lot closer to them and an air raid going on right above them.
“Shit, wait, do you have to go, Hoseok? Don’t the soldiers have to go out and shoot the planes down,” Yoongi asked worriedly. He turned around and placed his hands on Hoseok’s chest to push him out.
Hoseok grabbed Yoongi’s wrists, raising them up off his chest. Yoongi fell into Hoseok. The jacket around his shoulders slipped ever so slightly as his hands wrapped around Hoseok’s neck on instinct. Hoseok in turn let go of Yoongi’s hands and grabbed the back of his thighs.
(He had no excuse for that. Hoseok really just wanted to grab Yoongi’s plump, soft-looking, pale thighs. Or maybe miss and grab the even plumper and softer-looking ass right above it.)
“I’m not an anti-aircraft operator,” Hoseok smiled. He gently squeezed his handful of Yoongi’s thigh, smiling at how soft and pliable it was in his hands. “Soldiers have to hide during air raids too, you know. And, protocol says that, if it happens while we’re out in town, just find the nearest safe place.”
Yoongi bit back a little moan as he nodded back.
They drifted over to the bed together. It barely fit the both of them, so Yoongi had to lay on top of Hoseok just a little bit. Not that either of them minded. Yoongi lying almost halfway off Hoseok’s chest was how they always ended up sleeping anyways.
“You know, this was not exactly how I wanted to spend the first morning we got together. But this is pretty nice,” Hoseok chuckled. He pulled down his jacket to cover Yoongi’s legs, the short nightgown barely doing Yoongi any favors.
It was more like a piece of lingerie honestly. But it was much more comfortable for the warmer nights than pajamas was what Yoongi said. Hoseok just went along with it because the sight of Yoongi’s bare legs was heavenly. It was almost too much to handle. Hoseok wasn’t a Victorian gentleman, but Yoongi always wore very long skirts or long pants. For him to show that much skin was incredible to Hoseok.
The siren still went on as Hoseok’s pocketwatch ticked to 10 minutes since they had been down in the bunkers.
Yoongi drew little stars and hearts into Hoseok’s chest, quietly humming, “I don’t think anyone would want to spend a morning hiding from planes dropping bombs over them. How did you want to spend it?”
“Mmm, I don’t know. Sleeping in a little later, waking up together and staying in bed. Kissing each other, holding each other, maybe you’d finally agree to sit on my face,” Hoseok cheekily snuck in. Yoongi gently slapped Hoseok’s chest. “Hey, don’t pretend like you hate the idea. You know full well it’d feel good.”
“Yeah. Until you suffocate,” Yoongi scoffed. He rolled his eyes at Hoseok with a smile, “You haven’t even really bugged me about it. Saying I’d ‘finally’ agree kind of implies I’ve been saying no for a long time.”
Hoseok cocked his head at Yoongi with a little sigh, “I don’t really bug you about much though. There’s plenty of things I’ve never even asked you that I want to do with you. So I think it’s fair to say that, in the context of us, I’ve asked you a lot.”
“Really? It feels like you bug me a lot,” Yoongi frowned.
Hoseok’s heart fell a little.
He’d been trying so hard to not be too much for Yoongi. The last thing Hoseok wanted to do was overwhelm him and drive him away. He’d even stopped writing as many letters even though he had probably dozens written but unsent by now. But…maybe Hoseok hadn’t been trying hard enough.
Was he making Yoongi feel pressured?
“Do you want me to stop?”
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s chest, a small smile growing on his face as he replied, “No. I like it when you bother me. It’s cute when you try so hard. And…it makes me feel a little special. Like I’m the only person you really want to do them with.”
Hoseok pinched Yoongi’s pink cheek, practically cooing, “Awww Yoongi. Of course you’re the only person. Also definitely the only person I could survive being in here with.”
“What are the things you don’t ask me?”
If you love me, Hoseok’s mind supplied.
Will you be mine?
Do you even want to be mine as much as I want to be yours?
Is this all just a passing thing for you?
Will you miss me when I get reassigned?
Can I make love to you?
Am I even allowed to say ‘love’ to you?
Am I allowed to say ‘I love you’?
If you hadn’t ever met your husband, would you have given me a chance by now?
“If I can take photos of you. If I can live with you when the war is over,” Hoseok shrugged. “If we can stay after they turn on the radio and dance together.”
Yoongi buried his face in Hoseok’s chest with a little sigh, “No to the last one. But of course to the first two.”
Hoseok didn’t know how to feel. Especially knowing that the reason Yoongi was saying no was because he and his husband used to dance together all of the time. Hoseok wasn’t sure if that meant it was a no because it was something special that would hurt a lot, or because he only danced with the people he loved.
“Will you sit on my face now,” Hoseok joked to lighten the mood.
Yoongi immediately smiled into Hoseok’s chest, shaking his head, “You’re going to suffocate and die. And I don’t want to be sitting on a corpse.”
“But it could make you feel really good. And I’m a big boy. I have my medals to prove I can survive much worse than a pussy in my face,” Hoseok scoffed jokingly. He held his arm up, pretending to show off to Yoongi by over exaggeratedly flexing his muscles. “Look at these. I can just bench press you off of me if I need.”
Yoongi sat up, still halfway on Hoseok, his cheeks flushed, and his eyes looking down at the floor to hide from Hoseok’s, “Hoseok, don’t try to turn me on while bombs are dropping above us.”
“I wasn’t trying to. Why? Are you turned on,” Hoseok smiled smugly.
The ground shook around them, a dull boom in the distance making them flinch just a little. Yoongi’s hands gripped Hoseok’s shirt tighter and Hoseok’s shot up to hold onto Yoongi’s waist just in case.
Yoongi closed his eyes, a scared little pout filling his lips as he nodded, “Bombs are dropping above us.”
Hoseok ran his hand up and down Yoongi’s thigh with a hollow little laugh, “Sit on my face?”
Honestly, Hoseok was partially joking at this point too. He could feel his adrenaline going from the ground around them shaking — as if he was in battle again. And he could feel how scared Yoongi was too. But what could they really do about it besides survive?
Hoseok was pretty hard at this point, and he knew Yoongi could feel it. Yoongi was sitting right next to Hoseok’s dick so it wasn’t really a surprise. There was no harm in at least asking Yoongi if he wanted to let out some of the stress. By putting his pussy on Hoseok’s face and letting him have a feast.
The last thing Hoseok expected was for Yoongi to crawl up the bed, sitting down on Hoseok’s chest with a small frown, “Are you sure?”
Hoseok grabbed ahold of the back of Yoongi’s thighs, pulling him even closer. A big smile formed on his face, his heart began racing, and his head beginning to spin in anticipation, “Yes. Yes, please, suffocate me, Yoongi.”
Yoongi reached up his nightgown, gingerly pulling his panties off. Hoseok helped him push it all the way off his legs, discarding it on the chair in front of the table along with Hoseok’s jacket and shirt.
Yoongi’s cunt and thighs felt so soft against Hoseok’s skin that Hoseok swore he was going to go crazy.
At first, Yoongi was a little bit shy. He only creeped up closer and closer to Hoseok’s face, careful not to let Hoseok see anything. But Hoseok didn’t try to make him move any faster. He’d waited for almost half a year now for this. What was a little while longer if it meant that Yoongi felt comfortable and happy.
“Forget about everything up there. We’re just passing the time,” Hoseok whispered. He gently cupped the back of Yoongi’s thighs, right below his ass, and pressed a kiss to the soft flesh. “This isn’t anything important that needs fanfare or a special moment..”
That seemed to be all Yoongi needed. He grabbed onto the top of the headboard and gently eased himself onto Hoseok’s face.
Yoongi squirmed around on top of Hoseok, unused to the feeling of a warm mouth against his pussy. But it only took a few seconds for him to finally be able to settle down and sit comfortably.
The moment Yoongi settled down, Hoseok let his tongue dive into Yoongi’s warm cunt. Yoongi tasted so sweet, and his pussy was so perfect. Soft and hairless and pink — just like the rest of his body. The little sounds he made as Hoseok devoured him were even prettier still.
Yoongi’s hands grabbed at Hoseok’s hair, pulling at it as he squirmed around. His entire body lit on fire. Hoseok’s tongue was long and flexible, moving in ways Yoongi couldn’t even imagine. Yoongi couldn’t even try to maintain a level of composure. Hoseok was so hot, and the way his hands kneaded Yoongi’s body like he was dough made Yoongi feel so greedy.
All Yoongi wanted was more and more and more. He wanted Hoseok to make him feel like this and grab him this way and be inside of him like this every single night. Yoongi hadn’t felt so wanted in years.
And, now, here Hoseok was. Eating Yoongi out like it was his last meal on earth, drinking Yoongi in like it was the sweetest water he’d ever tasted, worshipping Yoongi like he was god himself. As greedy as it was, Yoongi wanted to keep Hoseok all to himself for the rest of time.
Hoseok’s hand gently patted Yoongi’s thigh. Yoongi scrambled to push up his weight, but his legs were shaking so hard that he could barely pull himself up a few centimeters before he immediately collapsed back down onto Hoseok. His cunt was immediately assaulted the moment he got within Hoseok’s reach again, Hoseok’s eating Yoongi up greedily.
Yoongi’s heart ran so fast, Yoongi couldn’t even feel individual beats any more. All he felt was one long rush, building up and up and up and up. Yoongi’s stomach formed a knot that tightened and tightened with every second that passed.
Yoongi’s high pitched moans and whines filled the shelter, punctuated by strangled little screams as Hoseok managed to get deeper and deeper than before.
Never before did Yoongi so badly wish for it to be something even bigger of Hoseok’s inside of him.
The moment Hoseok’s hand drifted to Yoongi’s clit, something in Yoongi completely fell apart. The knot in his stomach snapped, and he came all over Hoseok’s face before he could stop himself,
Yoongi completely collapsed right next to Hoseok, slipping off of him and into the space in the bed next to him.
Their heavy breathing filled the room as they both came down from the adrenaline of what just happened. Neither of them could really believe it. And neither of them knew how to handle this feeling.
They just, once and for all, broke the barrier of plausible deniability. They went further than friends could go. And they both knew that, wherever they were now, their hearts were long past believing that they could ever be just friends.
Hoseok grabbed a little paper towel from the table, wiping his face off with it.
“Hoseok?”
“Mhm?”
“Can you hold me?”
Hoseok glanced at his pocketwatch.
1 hour since they had gotten here.
He rolled over onto his side and wrapped his arms around Yoongi, tucking Yoongi’s head underneath his chin with a small smile.
Yoongi closed his eyes, letting his high fall down into Hoseok’s warm arms. As they laid there together, Yoongi came to a realization that was both terrifying and comforting at the same time.
I’m in love with you, Hoseok.
~
4 hours since they had stepped inside of the bunker.
“Are you going to say anything,” Hoseok asked. He munched on a little piece of radish, looking at Yoongi worriedly.
Yoongi hadn’t really said much to Hoseok since his…realization. Even looking at him was too hard at the moment. But Yoongi hadn’t meant to ice him out. He was just lost in his thoughts a little bit, trying to process this feeling.
“...do you like the radish,” Yoongi quietly replied.
Hoseok took another piece, biting into it with a little crunch, “It’s really good. Very refreshing. Did you like sitting on my face?”
Yoongi nodded, taking a little piece for himself.
They decided to eat a little bit of the food they had — they had to keep on their regular meal schedules. So Yoongi used some of the tools he kept in the bunker for survival to cut up a bowl of the radish for both of them along with a portion of rice and little cubes of stir fried mushrooms that Yoongi had cooked up the day before.
Hoseok was silent for a moment.
“Did I…did I make you feel forced into having sex with me? Or like…you had to,” Hoseok mumbled. He looked down, clearly beating himself up internally as he added, “I didn’t mean to. Honestly, I didn’t even really think you would take me up on it, I was just trying to get us back to the conversation before and—”
“Hoseok,” Yoongi interrupted. He smoothed out the blanket over his legs, staring down at the fabric as he replied, “I wanted to. It’s just…having sex again is weird, you know? It’s the first time I’ve had sex since my husband died. So I’m just…adjusting.”
Yoongi wasn’t totally lying. It was the first time he’d had sex since his husband died. Definitely the first time he’d ever sat on anyone’s face. And it was weird, because his husband was also the only person he’d ever done it with either. But Yoongi didn’t really care so much about his husband.
Definitely moreso the now undeniable fact that he was in love with Hoseok, and that he was in love again and it was with another soldier who he couldn’t bear to be without.
“Don’t worry, I enjoyed it,” Yoongi hummed. He looked away from Hoseok shyly, fiddling with the straps of his nightgown. “A lot.”
Hoseok got up and grabbed his little bowls of food. He walked over to Yoongi, sitting down right in front of him on the bed. Their eyes met as Hoseok sat down, their lips mirroring each other’s in a little smile.
“Do you…do you think you could be open to doing something like this again,” Hoseok asked. He looked around with a little chuckle, “Maybe…not in a bomb shelter with an air raid siren constantly going?”
Yoongi threw his head back, scrunching his eyes in a little pout, “Why’d you have to remind me of that? I just managed to tune it out.”
Hoseok laughed at Yoongi, staring at him with a look on his face that Yoongi couldn’t quite comprehend. All he could say was that Hoseok looked like he was in the happiest pain of his life.
“I would like to do it again though,” Yoongi smiled. He ate a little bite of rice with a piece of mushroom, chewing it thoughtfully as he added for good measure, “Not a lot, and probably not any time soon. But definitely some time in the future.”
Hoseok pumped his fist in the air in celebration, the bed bouncing as he threw his weight up. Yoongi held Hoseok’s food so that it wouldn’t spill. But he still watched Hoseok with an endeared look as the soldier beamed proudly, “I’m going to eat you out so good that you won’t be able to stand by the time I’m done.”
“I could barely stand this time,” Yoongi laughed.
It was true. Even after a long time of cuddling and coming down from the high, Yoongi’s knees could barely hold themselves together as he walked. Every little movement seemed to only provoke the ghost of Hoseok’s tongue.
“Well, I’ll make sure that you can’t even move next time,” Hoseok said smugly. He ate a spoonful of rice, teasing Yoongi with a little flick of his tongue under the spoon.
God, Yoongi hated that it worked.
“You’re much too cocky for your own good, you know,” Yoongi pouted. He shifted around on the bed, closing his thighs even tighter to stop his body from becoming even more aroused. “You eat me out once, and suddenly you think you’re the king of sex.”
Hoseok raised his hands and pulled a hurt expression onto his face, “You know, it really hurts that you don’t believe in me, my sunshine. I have lots of experience under my belt, you know.”
“Are you sure about that? Because one doesn’t count as lots,” Yoongi shot back.
Hoseok leaned in until he was just centimeters away from Yoongi and smiled, “Do you want proof? Because you can go and ask Heeyoung. The one that wears the pink dress will testify for me.”
“Wh-what?”
Yoongi’s eyes shot around Hoseok’s face, poison rising in his stomach as the pang of jealousy hit him like a tank. He felt like he wanted to throw up and cry and grab onto Hoseok and never let him go anywhere. Hell, he’d personally throw bombs at the town if it meant Hoseok could stay in here with him forever.
Why did it even hurt? Yoongi was the one who kept saying they were friends. Yoongi was the one who told Hoseok he didn’t have a reason to be jealous when the butcher’s apprentice flirted with him.
But..the thought that Yoongi wasn’t Hoseok’s first in this town…that he’d slept with another one of the villagers before him…
All Yoongi could think about was if Hoseok had held her the way he holds Yoongi, if he kissed her the way he does when they haven’t seen each other for even just a few hours.
And what just happened was something that was so special to Yoongi. The first time he’d had sex since his husband was drafted into th army. And it was with someone who meant a lot to him. Even if Yoongi wasn’t willing to admit that yet, and even if Yoongi wasn’t willing to get into a relationship with Hoseok, he still cared about him a lot.
The idea that this was just another encounter for Hoseok…hurt more than Yoongi wanted to admit. Because that would mean that, this entire time, Hoseok’s sweet words and his letters and gentle touches…they were all just a way to get to Yoongi.
“I didn’t pay her, if it makes you feel any better. She just asked me if I wanted to and I just figured, why not, because I wasn’t getting anywhere with you. It was a long time ago,” Hoseok tried to explain. Not that it made Yoongi feel any better. “And it doesn’t mean anything to me. Especially not compared to you. I know you know it doesn’t.”
Yoongi did feel the venom in his throat subside a little bit, the nauseousness from the sudden wave of jealousy flowing back a little bit.
Hoseok wasn’t like that. He wasn’t cruel, or mean. He cared about Yoongi so much. And, of course Yoongi didn’t know how Hoseok felt, but it seemed like he loved Yoongi too.
Hoseok took Yoongi’s hand with a little, reassuring smile that — even now — made Yoongi’s heart feel warm, “You mean the world to me, Yoongi. I hope you really know that. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad when I said that, I just assumed you’d be okay because you knew it didn’t matter to me.”
“How did it happen,” the little masochistic part of Yoongi asked.
“Eh, it’s nothing really big. I was walking back from your house, and it was nighttime. It was that one night a few months ago where I didn’t stay over. But I went into the cafe because I wanted to watch people dance for a little while I calmed down,” Hoseok laughed. He fiddled with his fingers, squinting off into the distance as he recalled the details. “I think we’d just been making out before I left and…well you’re just so pretty and everything you do gets me riled up because I want you so badly. And she asked if I wanted to dance, so we did, and then she asked if I wanted to go home and I figured, why not. Better than just letting it kill me all night.”
Hoseok looked down at Yoongi’s hands, laughing to himself as he admitted, “Honestly, I feel a little bad for her. I think she does like me a bit, but all I can and could think about was you.”
Yoongi glanced down at Hoseok’s lips, suddenly hyperaware of the fact that he’d never moved away. He stared at them as he whispered, “Why don’t you go for her? She’s really nice. I mean, just speaking as your friend, it’d be a lot easier for you to be happy.”
“I don’t want easy. Not if it means I’m without you. I’d fight a war for you, all by myself, if it meant that I’m making you happy,” Hoseok smiled.
They leaned in, their lips meeting in a gentle kiss. Hoseok’s hands cupped Yoongi’s cheeks, Yoongi’s somehow finding themselves on Hoseok’s wrists. Physically, it wasn’t different from any of their other kisses. But this one was special, and they knew it.
They held onto just that one kiss for as long as they could, just breathing each other in and closing their eyes so that they could put all their energy into burning this moment into their minds.
Eventually, they broke away, their eyes slowly fluttering open.
5 hours.
“Hoseok…I think the siren stopped,” Yoongi whispered.
“It did,” Hoseok sighed. He squeezed Yoongi gently before letting go with a sad smile, “I have to go report in.”
Hoseok got off the bed, placing his food on the table and grabbing his jacket from the chair. He straightened out his clothes, beating the dust off of his pants to look as presentable as possible.
Yoongi reached out, gently tugging on the sleeve of Hoseok’s jacket. The medals clacked against each other as he turned around.
“Hey. Come to the cafe tomorrow night if it’s still there. You should see what an air raid dance looks like,” Yoongi hummed.
Hoseok leaned down, pressing a kiss to Yoongi’s forehead, “Only if you promise to let me stay by your side the whole night.”
Hoseok left the bunker, not needing an answer, and leaving Yoongi to sit alone in his thoughts.
Suddenly, the loneliness hurt a lot more than it used to.
~~~
Their time in the bunker felt like a dream. But, if it was, Yoongi wished he hadn’t woken up.
He sat at home for the entirety of the next day, waiting in anticipation for the nighttime. A paper came by in the morning. Nothing in the town had been destroyed except for the well and a tower from the military base that was collateral damage from a tree falling down after being exploded.
Yoongi had his outfit picked out already. He’d washed up, done his hair, put a little perfume on, and resisted the urge to put on some makeup. Now that they were above ground again, Yoongi knew that he couldn’t give into his feelings. His heart was just strong enough to get his logical side to make space for him to have some fun thinking about what could be.
If Yoongi never let Hoseok say it, if they never put a label on their relationship, then it wouldn’t hurt as badly when Hoseok had to leave.
At least, that was what Yoongi told himself as he made his way to the cafe at exactly 6:45 pm and as he waited for Hoseok to arrive. There were so many soldiers — someone must have spread the word about the town’s tradition. Every single one made Yoongi’s heart jump at the sight of their uniform until he realized it wasn’t Hoseok.
There were people dancing both in the cafe and outside. The entire town was so joyous in the aftermath of the raid, you wouldn’t know that it had happened. The soldiers immediately got snatched up by all of the young ones in town, eager to find love with each other.
It was undeniable that there was love in the air. Especially from the soldiers. It made Yoongi wonder how many of them would return once the war was over.
If they survived, that is.
“There’s my sunshine,” Hoseok’s voice called out.
Yoongi turned around to find Hoseok standing right behind him. A smile broke across his face until he realized that Hoseok didn’t look that happy to see him.
“Are you okay? What’s wrong,” Yoongi asked worriedly.
Hoseok closed his eyes, shaking his head, “It’s nothing. We just…got some news. We’re being transferred at the end of the summer. To the frontlines. They want the war to end. Not a single unit will be left.”
Yoongi’s heart was struck with pain, his head only rubbing it in that he was right. Hoseok was going to leave and go to the frontlines and die and never come back. Just like his husband did. Just like the rest of Hoseok’s old unit. Just like the thousands and thousands of men who had died in the war already.
“I’ll be okay, Yoongi,” Hoseok tried to smile. “We’ll end this war, and I’ll be right back. Besides, we have three months left to have fun.”
Yoongi closed his eyes, envisioning the calendar in his head. Over a hundred days. That was more than a lot of time. There was nothing to worry about yet. There was going to be nothing to worry about for a long time.
“Will you dance with me,” Hoseok asked quietly. It sounded like he was casting a line out, completely sure that he wouldn’t get anything but hoping against all odds that he would anyways. “Sometime before the end of this summer?”
Yoongi closed his eyes, biting back the urge to cry.
No wonder why all these soldiers had just come out. No wonder why they were all trying to find love.
“No.”
They all were trying to find something to live for.
Hoseok sounded defeated as he nodded, “Okay.”
Yoongi reached out, his hand finding Hoseok’s.
His heart filled with dread as he realized. They were what Hoseok would fight to live for.
~~~
The days slipped by faster than Yoongi could hold onto them.
Over the next few weeks, Hoseok got busier and busier as preparations started for their mobilization, and they had less and less time together.
They tried their best to make every moment worth it, packing the hours they had in with hidden kisses and long talks and picnics on the hillside and long moments spent staring up at the sky while in each other’s arms. They sat at the cafe together most of the time. Hoseok was often too tired to walk around much.
Hoseok had gotten more pushy about wanting to do things. Every now and then, he’d stare off into the distance, then ask if they could finally kiss in public or if Yoongi thought he could change his mind about the dancing part or if he could take a photograph of Yoongi.
Before, if Hoseok was frustrated by Yoongi’s unwillingness to be something more, he didn’t show it. Now, Yoongi was beginning to see how much it was bothering him and how thin his patience was wearing. Hoseok was still as sweet and kind and thoughtful as ever, but Yoongi could see on his face how much he hated not being able to love Yoongi as much as he wanted.
Yoongi figured it was the limited time they now had, and he understood. As committed as he was to not being anything more, his heart was always fighting him — screaming that, if anything, they should just love each other so that they could have no regrets if Hoseok died in battle.
So some things did change.
Yoongi let Hoseok change his mailing information so that, if something were to happen to him in battle, the letter would be sent to Yoongi. Hoseok and Yoongi took some photographs — one of Yoongi surrounded by lilies and smiling at the camera for Hoseok to keep, one of Hoseok sitting by a tree for Yoongi to keep, and two of them together for each of them.
The last two, they agreed that they could choose whatever it was. Hoseok wanted one of them kissing, and Yoongi wanted one of just them — smiling at the camera.
Yoongi’s didn’t quite turn out like he wanted it to, because Hoseok ended up smiling at Yoongi right as the camera took the photo. But, when Hoseok got them developed, Yoongi found that he didn’t mind.
What he hated was how Hoseok immediately brought up how much time they had left.
Constant reminders the time was ticking down.
Neverending jokes about how Yoongi wouldn’t have to put up with him in 2 and a half months.
“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT,” Yoongi yelled. He threw the rag back into the sink, barely biting back his tears. “I KNOW YOU’RE GOING AWAY, HOSEOK. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CONSTANTLY SAY IT.”
Hoseok backed up into the wall, raising his hands with an annoyed expression on his face as his voice raised to match Yoongi’s, “I JUST MADE A LITTLE JOKE, AND NOW YOU’RE YELLING AT ME? WHY ARE YOU EVEN UPSET?? YOU’RE NOT THE ONE GOING OFF TO DIE IN ENEMY TERRITORY.”
That was enough to break Yoongi.
At the mention of death, Yoongi’s tears escaped from him. He stopped biting them back, instead choosing to bite back the sobs so that Hoseok couldn’t hear him crying.
Yoongi was sure it was apparent in his voice anyways as he snapped back, “You’re not going to die. Don’t say that. Even— even if we knew that you were, why can’t we just spend a few hours together without you mentioning that the time is running down?”
“I make ONE joke in hours of conversation, and that’s too much for you? You, Mr. You’re-not-anything-to-me-but-a-pair-of-lips,” Hoseok asked incredulously. Yoongi didn’t hear him step forwards. All his mind was focused on was not making a sound. “Do you think I like knowing that I don’t have that much time left? I’d desert the army the moment you ask me to if it meant I could spend the rest of my life by your side. Joking about it is the only way I can make it feel a little less terrible.”
A little cry escaped Yoongi’s mouth before he slammed his hand over his mouth. He bent over the sink, staring down at their dirty dishes as he shook his head, “Don’t put words into my mouth. When have I ever said that?”
Hoseok was silent for a moment.
”It feels like you imply it a lot. I don’t know. I’m fine with being friends, but sometimes you shut me down so hard that it feels like you don’t really care about me that much,” Hoseok quietly admitted. “I’d gladly be just a pair of lips if you said that’s what you wanted. But…I don’t know…sometimes you say things and it makes me think you’ve just been pretending to care.”
Yoongi didn’t realize he was shaking until Hoseok’s hand grabbed his shoulder. It wasn’t harsh, but it was tight enough to make Yoongi’s body stop in its place.
Yoongi turned around quickly, burying his face in a surprised Hoseok’s chest so that he couldn’t see the tears. He hugged Hoseok tightly and sniffled, “I care about you a lot, Hoseok. So much that it hurts to even think that you’re going away. Let alone th—that you’re not…”
“I’m sorry. It’s okay, my sunshine,” Hoseok whispered. He took a deep breath, pushing aside all of his anger and bad feelings for just a moment. “I’ve already dodged death once, and I’m going to do it a million more times so that I can come back home to you. I promise, I’m coming back to you no matter what.”
Yoongi shook his head against Hoseok’s chest, “No. You’re not allowed to come back to me in a box.”
“Of course not. How will I kiss you and sweep you off your feet if I’m in a box,” Hoseok smiled. He rested his head on top of Yoongi’s with a little sigh.
When I get home, I’m going to ask you to marry me the moment I see you.
“Can you stay over tonight? It’s so cold without you,” Yoongi pouted.
Hoseok gently cupped Yoongi’s face, wiping away his tears with a little sigh, “Of course I can. But I’ll have to go long before you wake up.”
I don’t care. I just want you to be holding me for as long as possible, Yoongi wants to say.
I love you, Hoseok. Please don’t leave me, Yoongi wants to say even more badly.
Instead, Yoongi just steps away from Hoseok’s touch and turns back towards the dishes with a little sniffle, “You should probably just head back then. The last thing I want is to create a hassle for you.”
Hoseok is quiet for a moment, but Yoongi knows that he wants to say something. The silence is deafening as Hoseok tries to search for the right response. And, for once, Hoseok doesn’t seem to know what to say. Because, truly, it is a hassle for Hoseok to wake up so early and walk nearly half an hour back to the base.
They stood there in silence for a short while longer before Hoseok wrapped his arms around Yoongi’s waist from behind. Yoongi flinched, but didn’t pull away as Hoseok sighed, “I think I’ll take the hassle. Especially because I won’t have time to see you tomorrow.”
“Not even for dinner?”
Hoseok shook his head, “It’s going to run long. Maybe I can stop by, but it’d be really late. Much past any reasonable hour for dinner.”
Yoongi rested his hands over Hoseok’s, looking down at their hands on his stomach with a small pout, “Do you want me to draw you a bath or wash your clothes or anything? The drying line is up.”
“Nah, it’s okay. We’re getting new uniforms tomorrow anyways,” Hoseok hummed. He pressed a kiss to the back of Yoongi’s neck, holding him tightly as they began to rock back and forth on their heels subconsciously. “Just lie down with me and rest and we can talk about whatever you want. No jokes about…that.”
There were so many chores left to do that Yoongi had been procrastinating on in favor of spending every waking moment waiting for Hoseok or getting ready to see him. And, truthfully, Yoongi was still feeling a little bit on edge from their fight.
But Yoongi would be lying if he said that didn’t sound good.
They got ready for bed together. By now, Hoseok was easily able to navigate around Yoongi’s house, grabbing the exact pair of pants that fit him and placing his toothbrush on the left side of the sink where Yoongi wouldn’t accidentally grab it and use it again. They got into bed together and held each other close.
Some nights, they were a little bit pent up or frustrated — resulting in messy handjobs and quick eating out sessions. But, most nights like these, they preferred to stare at each other and talk for as long as possible.
The conversation turned back to an old comfort, something they knew wouldn’t start another argument.
“You never did end up reading Indigo, did you,” Yoongi sighed. He traced little hearts and flowers all over Hoseok’s chest, eyes heavy as he laid his head on the pillow. “I spent all that time translating it for you.”
Hoseok watched Yoongi’s finger with a fond little smile, “Honestly, I felt like an idiot even with your explanations.”
As they talked, neither of them quite realized.
They never actually resolved their argument.
~~~
As promised, Hoseok wasn’t there when Yoongi woke up.
Not as promised or even mentioned, Hoseok didn’t show up anywhere for the rest of the week. The only hint that he even wanted to see Yoongi was from his letters — noticeably shorter than before.
The logical part of Yoongi could gather that he was busy and probably very tired. It must be hard mobilizing to move out en masse, and Hoseok’s growing muscles told Yoongi they were probably having him do even more exercising than ever.
But Yoongi’s little emotional heart that seemed to especially kick into action whenever Hoseok was mentioned had different ideas. Like that Hoseok was staying away from him because of the fight, he was starting to get distant because he didn’t want to deal with that side of Yoongi, and his letters were short because…well he was growing less interested.
Theoretically, that should have been a win for Yoongi. He was the one who insisted they were nothing more than friends. That they weren’t anything significant, that what they had was at most two good friends who just needed some comfort in their lives.
But we all know it’s more complicated than that. We all know that those words remain untethered to any sort of hard truth that could pin them down in reality.
And we all know that love doesn’t work that way.
Yoongi took the time while Hoseok was away to clear all of the dead flowers out of his house and compile every single letter Hoseok had ever sent to him. He catalogued them by the time they were received, rereading each and every one of them.
One thing was for sure, if Hoseok were a writer, Yoongi would be his biggest fan. There was something so charming, so romantic about the way he wrote. Without any actual prompting from the words on the paper, Yoongi could imagine the life Hoseok was envisioning for them after the war was over.
One where things were exactly as they were now, but there was no pressure, no holding back. No obstacles in their way with the army schedules or bombings. Just them. Sitting in the cafe, walking the paths they must have walked a hundred times by now, sitting at the same old tree for the dozenth time to have a picnic and read together, lying in bed together.
Kind of like the life Yoongi had with his husband. But…Yoongi had to admit, it sounded even better.
Yoongi loved his husband, there was no denying that. He was so glad they married and that that was the relationship he chose to have. But, at times, there were moments where he knew they both felt like they weren’t the end all be all for each other. At least not mutually.
As much as Yoongi didn’t want to admit that there was a “better” relationship for him than the one with his husband…Hoseok was it.
There was nothing explainable about it. Just a certain quality about him that clicked with Yoongi perfectly. It was like…they were all puzzle pieces. And Yoongi’s husband fit well enough for it to seem like it was a match, but really you had to force it in just a little. Hoseok immediately and easily locked in without so much as a prod.
It was all in the little things. Like how Yoongi seemed to fit perfectly in Hoseok’s arms. How they fit perfectly with each other into the little nook of the bookstore. How Hoseok’s hands were the perfect size to wrap around Yoongi’s face. How every single joke Hoseok made made Yoongi laugh.
Yoongi carefully put the last letter away into his little binder, clipping it closed to preserve it even more. He sat on the bed, in the exact same sideways position that he’d seemingly cried in a dozen times this week. He sorely missed Hoseok’s touch and how he made everything a little better.
Yoongi was stubborn, but he couldn’t help but imagine a life where Hoseok was more than just his friend.
~~~
Hoseok didn’t know what to do.
The government was pushing forwards, sending everything they had to the frontlines. Hoseok didn’t know much about military strategy. He was just a soldier after all. But one thing Hoseok had was common sense.
And he knew this meant that this was their last resort. It's all or nothing. But, if they were going all or nothing…more likely than not, it was going to be nothing.
The only problem; Hoseok could not, no matter what, take nothing. Because taking nothing would mean that they lost the war. And the Yeong would come in and destroy everything as they knew it. Even if Hoseok were to somehow survive the slaughterhouse that was battles with the Yeong, Yoongi wouldn’t survive the following invasion.
Hoseok could not handle thinking about the possibility that he wasn’t going to be able to come back to Yoongi. As strong as Hoseok tried to be for Yoongi’s sake, the fear was tearing him up from the inside, and Hoseok had no idea how to cope with it.
All Hoseok had were the jokes that he made — about the time they had left. Or the half-jokes half-pleads of “these two months may be all we have left, so why not just go all in?
But, clearly, Yoongi didn’t like that.
Why would he? He didn’t like anything that pointed out what they both knew was between them.
Hoseok wasn’t really mad about it. Maybe a little frustrated. But he cared about Yoongi more than anything. So, if Yoongi didn’t feel like he was ready, then Hoseok didn’t want to force him into something and make him feel uncomfortable.
The thing was…there was so clearly something there. Maybe it wasn’t love. But that something constantly being pushed as a friendship was starting to make Hoseok upset. Hoseok didn’t even know why Yoongi was so adamant about it. He had his guesses of course, but it just…drove Hoseok crazy that they couldn’t even call each other their lover in private.
Everyone already assumed they were. And the other guys at the base had successfully guessed that it was Yoongi who had gotten Hoseok so starstruck — not that it was hard after one of them saw Yoongi and Hoseok kiss just past the gate when they thought nobody could see them.
Hoseok looked at the storefronts as he walked, his mind completely lost in thought.
His head replayed that night over and over again, when they’d fought over nothing, and the mere mention of the inevitable sent Yoongi crying.
Hoseok hated that night, so much. He hated how he’d made Yoongi cry. He hated how they never really talked about why the fight happened. He hated that he had to leave so early in the morning afterwards that he couldn’t even watch the sun light up Yoongi’s face before he left.
The rest of the week, Hoseok avoided the cafe.
Hoseok didn’t really know how fights worked. He hadn’t been in any really long, substantial relationship where they were far along enough to have a fight that actually had consequences. It was the one area of a relationship he didn’t really know how to get through.
The most logical thing was to give Yoongi some space, wasn’t it?
Even if it meant that Hoseok ended up opening his pocketwatch about a million times just to stare at the photographs carefully folded up to fit the inner face.
Hoseok was doing just that when something glittered in the corner of his eye. He looked up to see an antique store, the silver pieces in the display shining under the hot, summer light of the afternoon. Hoseok stepped closer to see what it was that had caught his eye.
There wasn’t a lot of anything notable. Some wooden furniture, a doll, some silver and gold, all bunched up together. It looked like it hadn’t been polished in months. But, inside, Hoseok could see something glittering brightly. It almost reminded Hoseok of the way Yoongi shined to him, bright amongst the dirty gray of everything.
Hoseok walked in, the attendant immediately greeting him with a bored hello.
“Hi, can I look at what’s in your storefront display,” Hoseok asked.
The attendant looked at him with a little bit of a confused look and nodded, “Sure. If you find something nice, we can price it for you right here, sir.”
Hoseok quickly located the bright glimmering item, parting the sea of dull metal in order to reach it. At first, Hoseok couldn’t really make out what it was. And then, his eyes focused in on the emeralds embedded in the front in a floral sort of pattern.
The next thing Hoseok’s eyes caught was a little clasp on the side.
A locket.
A beautiful, shining, gilded locket.
Hoseok brought it up to the attendant, placing it down on the table gently, “How much would this be?”
The attendant glanced at it, clearly recognizing it, “Oh that. I wonder how that ended up in the pile. That’s 15,000 won.”
It was expensive, but it was so beautiful that Hoseok had to have it. And it was more than easy enough to cover it with what he was paid in the army. It’s not like they really had the opportunity to spend that money.
Hoseok took out a checkbook from the coat of his pocket, writing the store 15,000 won and signing it as quickly as possible.
The attendant wrapped it up and handed the little bag to Hoseok with a small smile, “Thank you for your service, sir.”
Hoseok looked down at his medals with a sense of sadness.
He would be with Yoongi right now if it weren’t for his service.
Hoseok walked out of the store, only to find that Yoongi wasn’t much farther than Hoseok would have thought. He stood outside the butcher’s shop, his skirt and blouse flowing with the wind. His little beret and his tote bag made him the picture of elegance as he looked down at the ground.
For a moment, Hoseok forgot all of his worries. He simply stood there, staring at Yoongi and wondering if he should say hi.
It was Friday, wasn’t it? And Yoongi often went on his grocery route on Fridays.
Just as Hoseok was about to start walking to Yoongi, a boy — the butcher’s apprentice — came out of the building with a little parcel. He handed it to Yoongi, the both of them smiling with each other as they talked.
Presumably about what cut of meat it was.
Okay, maybe about other cuts of the animals there were too.
….Maybe the cuts of other animals too.
There really was nothing funny about it.
Hoseok watched as the butcher’s apprentice grabbed Yoongi’s hand, pressing a kiss to it before he went back inside.
Hoseok’s blood boiled. His face grew hot, and his knuckles tightened around his little bag.
And then, their eyes met.
Yoongi’s face immediately lit up. He threw the parcel of meat into his bag, running towards Hoseok as quickly as he could. Hoseok was barely able to comprehend the moment that Yoongi threw his arms around Hoseok in a tight hug.
“I’ve missed you,” was all that Yoongi said.
Hoseok slowly wrapped his arms around Yoongi, closing his eyes as the heat of jealousy faded away into something much softer…something much happier at the fact that Yoongi was hugging him in broad daylight.
“I missed you too,” Hoseok whispered. He closed his eyes, breathing in Yoongi’s scent. He never smelled like anything specific nowadays — just generally the spices and herbs he used in his kitchen. Not that Hoseok was complaining. “Sorry I’ve been away.”
Yoongi let out a deep sigh and shook his head, “It’s okay. I know there’s probably a lot to do for you guys at the base now.”
“There has. A lot of work,” Hoseok murmured. He held Yoongi in silence for one, quiet moment, his thumb rubbing against the back of Yoongi’s head protectively.
Eventually, they broke apart, standing in an awkward silence as both of them reached for the words they wanted to say. They wanted to pour out everything they had been feeling, and yet nothing they could stitch together would make a coherent sentence.
Hoseok managed to reach something first.
“So, the butcher’s boy…seems nice.”
Yoongi looked down at the ground, clearly embarrassed as he waved it off, “He’s just got a little crush on me. He’s young, I’m sure it’ll pass soon. But I get discounted meat in the meantime, so it’s a little nice.”
Hoseok looked down at the ground, simply nodding in response.
Now, Hoseok wasn’t sure exactly how old the butcher’s apprentice was. But he couldn’t have been that much younger than Hoseok. Maybe a year or so at most.
“What do you mean, he’s young? Does that change things for you,” Hoseok frowned.
Yoongi simply shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s just…he’s practically a schoolboy. He’d be in college by now in the city. And schoolboys have schoolboy crushes and puppy-loves that fade away after some time. It’s nothing serious, he’s probably not looking for the same thing I am.”
A home, a family, someone to settle down with for life. Hoseok knew that that was what Yoongi was talking about. He wanted something permanent and meaningful to grow old with. And someone so young usually didn’t think about those kinds of things, unless they were specifically Yoongi’s age and experienced the lost noom.
Hoseok’s chest puffed up a little bit as he realized that he in fact was not university age.
“Does it bother you? Him and I becoming friends,” Yoongi asked.
Hoseok felt his grip on the bag tighten a little bit as he replied, “To tell you the truth, I’m a little bit selfish, and I want you to spend every waking minute with me.”
“This past week must have been hard for you then,” Yoongi said quietly. He looked down at the ground, a sad smile on his face as he shifted his weight on his heels. “I…I cleaned the house up a lot. Reorganized some things. I didn’t know if you wanted me to keep your things there, so I just left them where they were.”
Hoseok felt his hand twitch with the insatiable urge to reach out to Yoongi and kiss all of his sadness away. But Yoongi was like a well of hurt. No matter how many times Hoseok drew water out or drank, it wouldn’t even begin to scratch the surface.
Yoongi’s eyes flickered up to Hoseok’s, then down to his own lips. He clearly realized what Hoseok was thinking.
They stood there, unable to take their eyes off of each other but unable to touch each other at the same time. It was torture, seeing Yoongi right in his reach without getting to touch. For Yoongi, seeing Hoseok standing there in hope and a sort of pre-emptive sadness made him only feel more guilty than he was.
“I’m sorry for yelling at you back then,” Yoongi mumbled. He glanced down to Hoseok’s collarbones, fixating on them as he pulled all of his pride back together. “That wasn’t fair. I’m just…really scared of what happens when the summer ends. And I took that out on you.”
Hoseok stepped closer, taking Yoongi’s hand with a gentle rub of his thumb, “Hey, I get it. I’m scared too. And I’m sorry too. I’ve…been avoiding you. This entire week. Even though it really hurt, I…honestly, don’t know what to do when you’re mad at me. I want to cry and drop to my knees to beg for your forgiveness and fight back and give you space all at once. And I don’t know what’s right.”
Hoseok looked down at their hands, suddenly feeling very embarrassed about his little speech. It felt…a little pathetic to be honest. To admit all of this in public, in broad daylight. Where people could see them, and where the butcher's apprentice was probably watching them.
There was no way Hoseok was putting up as good of a performance as he had just been.
Then, suddenly, Hoseok felt a familiar pair of lips on his. He closed his eyes as their lips pressed together. It was so confusing. Hoseok’s brain almost couldn’t comprehend that Yoongi was kissing him. In public.
But…it was magical all the same.
Hoseok wrapped his hand around Yoongi’s waist, letting the bag hang off of Yoongi’s ass as they kissed each other. Their hands stayed interlocked as Yoongi’s free one wrapped around Hoseok’s head. His fingers gripped Yoongi’s hair. Hoseok’s heart twisted at the painful feeling of knowing that he loved Yoongi so much.
But Yoongi would never be his.
They’d kissed a million times before, but butterflies rose in Yoongi’s stomach — even as he pulled away.
A little whimper rose out of his throat as he realized that he’d just kissed Hoseok. In public.
“Hoseok, you—”
“I know,” Hoseok nodded with a sad smile. He still kept his arm around Yoongi’s waist. Yoongi wished he’d never let go. “I know, we shouldn’t have kissed. This doesn’t mean anything. We’re friends.”
Yoongi knew that those were the words he’d constantly repeated, over and over again, in order to protect his heart. But this pain that he felt when Hoseok finally said it. Yoongi didn’t know how to protect his heart from both this and what was to come if they became lovers at the same time.
“I was going to say that you should come sit with me at the cafe,” Yoongi lied. He looked down at the groceries that he was going to put in the refrigerator. They wouldn’t last long in the sunny day, but Yoongi didn’t want Hoseok to leave. “It’s been a while.”
A heart shaped smile crossed over Hoseok’s face, “As long as I can hold your hand on the way there.”
Even as they sat in their booth together, laughing and talking with each other like there was nothing else in the world, their hands remained joined on the inside of Yoongi’s thigh.
Hoseok took in a deep breath of relief as he watched Yoong, the radio blaring a jazzy, romantic tune as they waved goodbye to each other from afar. The little bag containing the locket remained in Hoseok’s hand, the contents unbeknownst to Yoongi.
One day. Hoseok would give it to him, right alongside the feelings that he knew couldn’t be held in much longer.
“I love you.”
Hoseok walked away, blissfully unaware that Yoongi had called out to him.
Yoongi looked down at the flower Hoseok picked for him as they walked to the cafe together, his hands shaking and his heart pounding faster than it ever had in a blissful terror as he realized what he’d said.
~~~
“I love you, Hoseok. I love you.”
Yoongi tested the words out on his tongue, hoping to god that it would eventually stop feeling so right.
“I love…Hoseok”
“Yes?”
Yoongi jumped a little as Hoseok opened the door to the bedroom, wearing the fresh set of clothes that they had just washed the day before. The ghost of a smile lingered on his face as he stared at Yoongi.
“Can you help me zip this up?”
Hoseok walked over to Yoongi, jumping onto the bed. He kneeled behind Yoongi. His hands found Yoongi’s hips and the little zipper on the back of Yoongi’s skirt that Yoongi didn’t actually have a problem with.
It took a little longer than necessary, and Yoongi knew that it was just Hoseok trying to enjoy the moment for as long as possible before it had to stop.
Hoseok got the zipper to the top and placed his hands on Yoongi’s hips, “I packed our lunch already. Didn’t heat it up since it’s going to be unbearably hot today.”
“It’s not that bad out right now,” Yoongi replied.
Hoseok shook his head, “I didn’t mean the weather. It’s going to be unbearably hot because of you and this skirt. Especially now that I know how easy it is to take off.”
“Oh shut up,” Yoongi blushed. He swatted Hoseok away from him, falling over on the bed as Hoseok grabbed him in a tight, bear hug.
It had been just about a month since Yoongi had first admitted he’d loved Hoseok. And, even though Hoseok never heard it, it seemed like he now knew in his spirit. Like the wind had carried Yoongi’s voice and stretched it out just far enough that Hoseok thought it was a figment of his imagination.
They still fought when the time they had left was brought up, but now there were little added things. Like when Hoseok pressed Yoongi to dance with him over and over again to the point that Yoongi always wanted to leave the cafe before seven now. Like when Yoongi forgot to hang Hoseok’s clothes out to dry and now they were all wrinkled and damp. Like when Hoseok got a little jealous and tried to talk to Yoongi about it but all Yoongi would respond with is that there wasn’t anything between them.
At this point, they both knew it was a lie — whether or not Yoongi wanted to put a label on it.
Another point of tension. The fact that Hoseok wanted to put a label on it before he left. Hoseok couldn’t even start to ask about it before Yoongi shut him down.
Hoseok did understand. But now, honestly, it felt like it was getting ridiculous. They had been acting like they were together. They kissed each other, they laid in bed with each other, and they slept with each other. The only thing they hadn’t done was penetrative sex — and for good reason. Condoms were expensive and hard to find nowadays, and there wasn’t much better birth control to use.
Really, Hoseok’s problem with it all boiled down to a question.
If they acted like lovers, and did what lovers do, why couldn’t they call each other their lover?
“I don’t want to go. Let’s stay here for the rest of the day instead,” Yoongi pouted as Hoseok kissed him.
Hoseok pressed another kiss to Yoongi’s lips with a little smile, “It’s just lunch. Nobody’s going to shoot you down or anything. Especially not after you’ve basically become a full time translator.”
“Thank you for packing our food,” Yoongi sighed.
He looked down at their hands. An ant could barely fit in the distance between their fingertips. Hoseok’s eyes followed Yoongi’s, his hand shifting to lace their fingers together. Yoongi’s hand gladly accepted Hoseok’s.
“I swear I was dreaming earlier,” Hoseok chuckled. He looked up at Yoongi’s face, leaning in to rest his forehead against Yoongi’s. “I was walking up here, and I thought I heard you say you loved me.”
Yoongi’s heart froze in terror.
Hoseok glanced over at the photo of Yoongi’s husband that sat on the nightstand with a little sigh, “I know you were saying it to him, but…a man can dream of being loved by someone, right?”
Yoongi nodded, “The dream’s going to come true for you, Hoseok. A man like you, it’s a wonder you haven’t been taken yet.”
“Yeah…but, even if it did,” Hoseok trailed off. He looked back down at their hands, a pensive smile falling into his face. Yoongi loved when Hoseok looked like this — like his train of thought took him somewhere he longed to be.
Hoseok squeezed Yoongi’s hand tighter, hesitating before he continued, “Would it be the person that I love? Even if someone loved me, my heart would still be here. With the person I love more than I’ve ever loved anything before.”
Yoongi’s heart began racing. Something pulled his stomach towards Hoseok, the feeling in his gut so powerful that it made him physically squirm.
Did…did Hoseok just say that he loved Yoongi?
Right now, when their faces were lit up with the gentle morning sunlight, when their bed was still warm, when Hoseok had a little stubble and smelled like Yoongi’s shampoo? When Yoongi was at his weakest for Hoseok, his heart melted after being held and kissed by Hoseok all night?
Yoongi barely had time to react before Hoseok added, “You don’t have to say anything. I’m pretty sure you already knew that I’d fallen for you — that’s why you won’t let me get a word in about being more than friends.”
Yoongi didn’t know how to respond.
He had…no idea what he could even say.
Hoseok leaned in and pressed a kiss to Yoongi’s lips as if he hadn’t just dropped a piece of information that changed everything between them. And, as if he knew what Yoongi was thinking, he pressed a reassuring kiss to Yoongi’s forehead and whispered, “Nothing has to change Yoongi. I know you won’t change your mind — we can still be friends. I just wanted to tell you before I leave.”
“Okay,” Yoongi nodded. He took a deep breath in and stood up from the bed, not facing Hoseok. “We should go now.”
Hoseok stood up, following Yoongi out the door. A sad air hung around him as they walked downstairs together. Yoongi couldn’t blame him. Even Yoongi couldn’t justify how cruel he was being right now.
He watched as Hoseok grabbed their packed lunches, fastened together with two pieces of cloth. Yoongi couldn’t help but notice how Hoseok had tied Yoongi’s with a neatly tucked, heart shaped bow and a little tag on it with his name written carefully on it.
It was cute, and made Yoongi want to throw up and cry at the same time.
“My sunshine,” Hoseok called out. He handed the lunches to Yoongi, gently grabbing ahold of his wrists. “I know you hate anything that makes us more than friends, but…please allow me to keep telling you that I love you.”
Yoongi pulled his hands away from Hoseok’s, placing their lunches in his bag with a quiet sigh, “Of course you can. I can’t stop you from telling me how you feel. I just…won’t respond. No matter how much you love me, you’re making a mistake, Hoseok.”
“If it was a mistake, then it was the best mistake I’ve ever made,” Hoseok replied. He grabbed his coat from the couch, wrapping it around Yoongi’s shoulders. It was still a little cold outside, despite the end of the July being just behind them. “I hope it warms up later. I wanted to sit in the cafe and treat you to a slice of cake and dance with you.”
“Hoseok, you know that I’ll say no. Why do you keep on trying,” Yoongi sighed.
It wasn’t just a question about the dancing, and they both knew it.
Hoseok looked past Yoongi’s shoulder at the door with a sad smile as he simply stated, “Because I love you, and I know that it makes you happy.”
It wasn’t awkward walking to the pickup point together.
Yoongi didn’t know how he felt about it. Of course he was happy that nothing had changed. But he also knew that nothing had changed because Hoseok had always been in love with him — whether he said it or not.
They had always been in love with each other. And one of them being brave enough to admit it didn’t change anything because Yoongi couldn’t do the same.
It wasn’t awkward, but it did feel different.
Yoongi enjoyed it. He liked how Hoseok held his waist as they walked now, closer as if just the confession made it mandatory for Yoongi to constantly be right by Hoseok’s side at all times. It made Yoongi’s heart flutter, even as they passed a few people who Yoongi had already made it extremely clear to that they were just friends.
When they got in the car, Hoseok held onto Yoongi’s hand. As they sat in the mess hall together, eating lunch and listening to the president’s message for all of the soldiers, Hoseok’s hand stayed on Yoongi’s thigh in a quiet reassurance.
Not that Yoongi could be reassured much when their president was telling them that Hoseok was part of the country’s last hope and that the fate of the war rested in his hands. Or when the general thanked them all for working so hard to prepare for the toughest battle of their lives and stated quite frankly that he wasn’t sure if even half of the room would make it back.
Yoongi almost started crying right there. He would have, without any shame, but Hoseok gently squeezing his thigh underneath the table was enough to make Yoongi feel a little bit calmer.
They left the lunch both clearly shaken up, but neither wanting to admit it. So they snuck into Hoseok’s bunk and sat on Hoseok’s bed together.
It was sparsely decorated with only a pillow, a suitcase of personal belongings underneath, and a thin blanket. Yoongi wouldn’t have even been able to tell that it was Hoseok’s if not for the handkerchief Yoongi thought he’d lost months ago sitting underneath the pillow.
“I think you can see now why I hated sleeping here so much,” Hoseok chuckled. He sounded a little far away, like his heart wasn’t really in the joke. “I guess it was more that you weren’t here.”
Yoongi hated it. He wanted Hoseok to be here, right now, with him. But it wasn’t really fair of him to ask for that or point it out. Hoseok was basically told that he would most likely die just hours after he confessed to Yoongi.
They sat in silence on Hoseok’s bed. Even though it was padded, it wasn’t as comfortable as sitting in their booth in the cafe.
Yoongi stuck his hands in the pockets of Hoseok’s coat, his hand hitting some metal thing. It was round, and pretty flat. So he fiddled around with it as he asked, “The preparations are all done, or is there still more to do?”
“There’s always more. But, mostly, yeah,” Hoseok replied.
“How long are you guys going to be away?”
“Six months, at the least. Maybe a year. It all depends on how quickly we’re slaughtered out there,” Hoseok replied truthfully. He looked down at their hands, intertwined together, with a sigh. “My sunshine…I don’t want to sugarcoat it anymore. We have barely a month left together, and there’s not a very high chance that we’re going to win this war. Even if we do, it will be a long time before we see each other again.”
Yoongi looked down at the ground, closing his eyes to stop himself from crying, “Hoseok…six months isn’t a long time. Neither is a year. And you survived last time.”
“Six months is enough time for you to fall in love. And so is a year. And maybe I ran out of luck the last time. I wasn’t supposed to survive. The bullet was right in front of me when…it doesn’t matter. But it was supposed to kill me,” Hoseok said.
Hoseok looked straight at Yoongi as he admitted, “Honestly, it’s dramatic, but I’d rather die than come back and see that you’ve fallen in love with someone who isn’t me. Especially if you’re lovers. I…I don’t think I could stand that. Especially because you’ve never let me be your lover for even a moment.”
Suddenly, Yoongi realized why it was better that Hoseok was the soldier and not him. Hoseok wasn’t a coward. He didn’t run away from his feelings and hide from the hard, messy part of their relationship. He didn’t try to pretend that things were okay or that the future was sure. He just accepted them as they were — just as he accepted Yoongi as he was.
Yoongi couldn’t even let go of the past. And here Hoseok was, ready to head right back into the situation that nearly got him killed the first time.
“Just in case that happens,” Hoseok began.
Yoongi quickly interrupted him, silencing him with a firm, “It’s not.”
“There’s a chance, my sunshine,” Hoseok replied. “And just in case it happens, I just want to know for sure. Why is it that you won’t give me an inch there? Is it just because of your husband, or is it also that I’m not good enough to warrant your first lover after him?”
“What? No, Hoseok, it’s not…I just,” Yoongi stammered. He couldn’t meet Hoseok’s eyes. He just couldn’t. “Of course you’re enough, you’re more than good enough. I just…can’t. When my husband was in the army, even before he died, it was the hardest months of my life. It hurts to care for someone so far away, never hearing anything, not knowing how or where they are at any given moment, being alone all the time. The only thing I had was that he was alive.”
Hoseok’s eyes shifted from Yoongi to the ground, watching as little drops of water hit the dirt in front of Yoongi’s feet.
Yoongi wiped his tears away with his sleeve, shaking his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe I’m telling you this. Hoseok, it’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s really the opposite. Because I do care about you, a lot. I haven’t given you an inch because I know that, the moment we become something more than friends, I’m set up to get my heart broken again.”
“Hoseok…I don’t think I could survive another heartbreak,” Yoongi whispered shakily.
Hoseok grabbed the handkerchief from underneath his pillow and squatted down in front of Yoongi. He gently dabbed the tears away from Yoongi’s eyes and sighed, “Thank you for answering me, my sunshine. I won’t push you anymore. I’m sorry that I did in the first place.”
“What? No,” Yoongi frowned. He grabbed the handkerchief from Hoseok’s hands, crumpling it into a little ball. “Please don’t stop, Hoseok.”
Hoseok sat in front of Yoongi for a little while. He looked around at the ground, the other bunks, and the entrance of the room. Not quite observing anything, just filling his eyes with noise to give himself a moment to think.
He stood up after a while with a tired chuckle, “Sometimes, I think I finally, 100% understand you. And then, you say things like that. And it confuses me all over again.”
Yoongi stood up in front of Hoseok, his muscles tensed as he prepared for yet another fight.
But instead, Hoseok just wrapped his arm around Yoongi’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to Yoongi’s forehead with a sigh, “It’s okay. I don’t want to fight you anymore. Maybe someday in the future, we can hash this all out. But I just want our last month together to be a happy one.”
“I don’t want to fight either,” Yoongi smiled. He leaned his head against Hoseok’s shoulder and let him lead Yoongi out of the bunker. “But it all makes sense when you realize I’m not the perfect, idealized me that you hold me up on a pedestal as.”
“Trust me Yoongi, I love you for exactly who you are. I see you and your flaws and your good parts, and I think they all make you the perfect person for me to love,” Hoseok replied. He opened the door to the car for Yoongi, helping him into the car with a soft, faded smile, “Come on. Let’s go get some coffee, and you can tell me all about how it’s a mistake for me to love you.”
Yoongi pulled Hoseok into the car, Hoseok nearly tripping as he fell into the space right next to Yoongi. They pulled each other into a kiss, half-missing each other’s lips the first try. But, once their lips locked together, Yoongi couldn’t stop his heart from settling into the heavy beat that it always marched to when he was with Hoseok.
Yoongi never wanted to lose this feeling. He never wanted to lose Hoseok. Maybe it was too late for him to save himself from heartbreak, but Yoongi still had to try.
He was too stubborn to not.
~~~
Every day that passed, Yoongi could feel Hoseok growing more and more nervous and tired. 2 weeks went by, and Hoseok’s hair was in a constant state of looking run through.
Yoongi knew from the nights that they spent together that it was from Hoseok lying awake at night, running his hands through his hair and thinking. No matter how much Hoseok tried to hide that he was doing it, Yoongi saw how his hands instinctively flew up to his hair before he pulled it down.
There was little Yoongi could do to stop the stress, but he seemed to do a good enough job at calming Hoseok down that Hoseok didn’t avoid him. In fact, it seemed like Hoseok ran to find Yoongi at any moment he could. They would sit in the cafe together usually, talking about meaningless things until Hoseok felt a little better. Other times, Yoongi would already have a warm meal ready for Hoseok. With it always came small talk and a slow, messy blowjob to unwind Hoseok’s nerves.
True to their word though, they didn’t fight anymore. They didn’t have time to waste on fighting each other.
A hot August afternoon was one of those days where they sat in the cafe, but something was a bit off about Hoseok.
Hoseok appeared at their booth, clearly just out of a shower and back from his morning drills. Yoongi had already ordered his coffee for him, a bowl of homemade mushroom stew sitting on the table right next to it. He looked worse for wear. But the most notable thing was that his coat was on, making his entire frame look small.
“Aren’t you hot in that,” Yoongi frowned as Hoseok sat down next to him. He reached to help Hoseok take off his jacket, only for Hoseok to half-heartedly bat Yoongi’s hand away.
“It’s okay. I’m getting some sort of chill, and the coat helps,” Hoseok sighed.
Yoongi pushed the bowl of soup towards Hoseok and worriedly looked Hoseok up and down, “Eat up. It’ll warm you up. Are you coming down with something? There’s been a fever going around.”
Hoseok took a little sip of the soup, a smile lighting up his tired features. He watched as Yoongi placed a hand against his forehead.
“You feel a little warm…but nothing too bad,” Yoongi sighed in relief. He pressed a kiss to the top of Hoseok’s forehead, just like how Hoseok did with him when he wanted him to feel better.
Hoseok was smiling at Yoongi with an imperceptible look in his eyes when he sat back down. But he didn’t explain. He simply ate another spoonful of Yoongi’s stew and continued to stare at him with that weird smile.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Focus on your food, you absolutely cannot get sick right now,” Yoongi pouted. He grabbed a napkin from the table and carefully wiped a little bit of the stew off of the corner of Hoseok’s lip. Hoseok’s stubble scratched against Yoongi’s hand.
He very clearly was not taking care of himself like he usually did. Hoseok was always clean shaven — he hated having stubble. For him to miss a few days…
Yoongi kicked himself internally for not noticing that Hoseok didn’t shave yesterday morning.
Hoseok shook his head and looked away from Yoongi, “It’s nothing. You just kissed me in the view of the public for the first time. That’s all.”
Yoongi’s hand stayed on Hoseok’s face, his thumb gently running over Hoseok’s jaw as he blinked in surprise, “That’s the first time? Really?”
“I mean, there’s some debatable ones. But those weren’t really around other people. Here…there’s definitely lots of eyes to see us,” Hoseok hummed. He touched a hand to his forehead and chuckled, “That’s quite a magical kiss. I’m feeling better already.”
“I was just copying what you do,” Yoongi mumbled shyly.
Somehow, the thought that people had seen him kiss Hoseok’s forehead…wasn’t terrifying. It almost made Yoongi’s heart flutter in excitement as he thought about Hoseok kissing him in the middle of the crowded room.
Hoseok leaned back against the booth with a small sound halfway between a sigh and a groan, shifting around in pain as he smiled, “You’d make a really great mom, Yoongi.”
Yoongi felt his cheeks flash with heat as his mind raced to process Hoseok’s words in a way that wasn’t ‘have my babies ‘be the mother to my children ‘let me fuck you silly raw and raise a family with you’.
As if Hoseok knew what Yoongi was thinking, he touched Yoongi’s shoulder with a little laugh, “Don’t think about it too hard, I don’t mean it like that. I’m pretty much infertile anyways. All I mean is that you’re worrying like a mom does. It’s cute.”
“Oh, okay,” Yoongi nodded shyly. He looked away from Hoseok, fanning his face with his fan to get his cheeks to stop burning up. “You’re infertile?”
“Low sperm count,” Hoseok shrugged. He sucked in a deep breath through his teeth, his chills clearly beginning to become aches. “Don’t worry about it. I stopped seeing kids in my future a long time ago.”
Yoongi couldn’t help but feel a little giddy at that fact. His heart practically began jumping up and down, shaking his brain in happiness. Even his more logical side smiled at the fact that neither of them wanted children. Just one more out of the many ways they were compatible.
“Not that I’d live long enough to get a baby, these aches are going to kill me,” Hoseok groaned.
Yoongi gingerly wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s, looking up at him with a little pout, “You should rest, Hoseok. Not be out here. Come on, let’s get you home.”
“Can we stay here just a little longer? Being here with you…it makes me happy, no matter what’s going on,” Hoseok smiled.
How could Yoongi say no to that? Especially when it was said with that handsome face.
“We’ll go when you finish your stew,” Yoongi smiled back.
~
By the time they got back, it was dark already, and Hoseok was not doing any better. On their way home, he quickly went from just a little warm to burning up, and his aches and chills rendered him almost entirely unable to walk by himself.
Yoongi barely managed to grab the spare key on the hanging planter outside his door to let them in (he couldn’t reach into his bag because Hoseok was leaning on that side of him).
They stumbled over to the couch, where Yoongi immediately set Hoseok down to rest. Hoseok still held onto Yoongi tight, unwilling to let go even though he was burning up and definitely didn’t need any extra body heat added to it.
“I’ll go draw you a nice, cold bath and get you some food, okay? Just relax,” Yoongi whispered. He pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s forehead and stood up, putting a random record into the gramophone.
Just before he put the needle down to let it play, a memory hit him. Of the last time he’d used his husband’s record player. It was just 2 years ago.
Yoongi’s fingers faulted for just a moment before he pressed play, and the soothing sounds of a slow, mellow jazz song crackled to life. It filled the house with sound. And Yoongi couldn’t help but see him and his husband singing and dancing in front of the couch.
Right in front of where Hoseok was now.
Yoongi smiled to himself at the memory. Somehow, remembering didn’t hurt.
“I have a very nice batch of tomatoes and peppers I just harvested. They’d make for a very good tomato soup. Maybe with a little bit of kimchi,” Yoongi hummed. He straightened out Hoseok’s hair, smiling as Hoseok nodded in response to him. “I’ll be right back.”
Yoongi ran upstairs, quickly switching on the knob for the cold water before he turned it off. He could afford to spend a little more this month to take care of Hoseok. So he switched on the hot water, checking to make sure it was warm enough before he gathered some clothes and shaving supplies and soap for Hoseok to bathe with.
When Yoongi got back downstairs, Hoseok was trying to stand up and grab his coat. He tripped on his own feet as the aches pulled his limbs down like a gravity much too heavy for Hoseok to withstand.
“Woah there, be careful,” Yoongi warned. He grabbed Hoseok’s coat for him, placing it on the arm of the couch right next to him. “The bath is running, it should be ready in a few minutes.”
Yoongi ran to the kitchen and grabbed Hoseok a cold glass of water before he got to work. He quickly cleaned and chopped up all of the tomatoes and half of an onion, throwing them in a pan with some oil and peppers to burn before he made them into the stew.
Once the pan was on the stove and the tomatoes were slowly cooking, Yoongi washed his hands and turned right back to Hoseok.
They walked upstairs together, Yoongi helping Hoseok to the bathroom. It was strange seeing Hoseok to weak and vulnerable. But Yoongi felt a little bit of pride at the fact that Hoseok trusted him to take care of him in this state.
Yoongi helped undress Hoseok, his eyes very carefully avoiding Hoseok’s crotch as they took his pants and underwear off. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t seen before. It was still embarrassing to think about it and gawk at it.
“Fuck, this is nice,” Hoseok groaned. He sank down into the water, letting the heat relax his muscles. “Thank you so much, my sunshine. Maybe I should call you a nurse right now.”
“You’d better not start calling me that,” Yoongi smiled. He stood up, making his way towards the door, “I’ll leave you alone now. Take your time. When you’re done, just lie down and I’ll bring dinner up when it’s done. I’ll turn up the music too.”
Hoseok looked up at Yoongi and shook his head, “Noo, stay here and join me. I can hear the music just fine.”
Yoongi glanced out the door to his room, where he could catch a glimpse of the stairs. It was a tempting offer for sure, and the more the tomatoes burned, the more flavor there was…but the tub would also start spilling if Yoongi joined him.
“I won’t join you, but I’ll help you wash up and relax for a while,” Yoongi nodded.
Hoseok smiled wide as Yoongi pulled up a small stool. He watched as Yoongi sat down behind him and rolled up his sleeves.
Yoongi dipped his hands into the water, cupping just a little bit at a time as he wet Hoseok’s hair. He had just taken a shower, so there wasn’t too much need to clean. But it was still nice to get a fresh start once you started being sick.
“How come you aren’t a chef, Yoongi? Actually, you know what, I don’t think I ever asked you why you don’t have a job,” Hoseok hummed.
Yoongi began rubbing the shampoo into Hoseok’s scalp with a little shrug, “I mean, I did have one when I first came here. But then my ex-husband went to war and the monthly check from that was enough to keep me going. And then he died and I got an even bigger check. So now, I just live off of what I get every month and the money I get from translating.”
Hoseok nodded and closed his eyes, sinking into the tub just a little bit more.
“If you’re sick when they leave, do you just not go with them,” Yoongi asked, only a tiny bit hopefully.
Hoseok shook his head, “I travel with the infirmary, which is terrible. They stick you with every drug possible and eventually just cut you open and let you bleed all of the sickness out. I’m not exaggerating.”
“Oh, yes you are,” Yoongi scoffed. He rolled his eyes at Hoseok with a big smile on his face. “What did you expect would happen?”
God, Yoongi was so gone for Hoseok. If you had told him at literally any point in his life — even three minutes ago — that he’d be smiling like an idiot over a man stating blatant lies just to get a shock out of him, he would laugh and ask who exactly you thought he was.
“Oh, something to the tune of a horrified Yoongi who’s so shocked his clothes come off and he runs into the bathtubs to be in my arms before the nurses let my blood go,” Hoseok hummed amusedly. He looked back at Yoongi, a twinkle in his eye as he added, “I could make love to you in the bath if you want. Talk about a wet cunt.”
Yoongi had to bite his lip to stop himself from laughing. He hit Hoseok’s head off of his knees, exclaiming, “That’s not funny, Hoseok.”
“Then why do you look like a pufferfish right now?”
It wasn’t funny.
It really wasn't.
And yet, that was what caused Yoongi to lose it. He bent over, his forehead falling into Hoseok’s shampoo filled scalp and his hands wrapping around Hoseok’s warm head as he tried to brace himself.
Yoongi couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy. Even with his husband, he couldn’t…he was never this…happy.
“You’ve got shampoo in your hair now. You might as well jump in with me at this point,” Hoseok grinned. He reached up, tugging on a lock of Yoongi’s hair that was now filled with the foam. “Come on. For the poor, sick soldier?”
Yoongi rolled his eyes at Hoseok as he took off his shirt, “You’re insufferable, you know that?”
Hoseok watched as Yoongi took off his skirt and underwear. He climbed into the tub, immediately finding a comfortable spot right next to Hoseok, squished in between Hoseok’s chest and the wall of the tub. One of Hoseok’s arms moved from the rim to wrap around Yoongi’s body.
“Don’t say a word or I will slap your hand off of my ass,” Yoongi sighed contently.
Hoseok didn’t reply.
He simply looked down at Yoongi with a warm smile and moved his hand up to hold Yoongi’s shoulder.
“You should come work for the infirmary. I might be sick more often if I was treated to this every time,” Hoseok smiled.
Yoongi gently poured water on top of Hoseok’s head, rinsing out the shampoo with a little smile, “Well, when you come back, you can get sick all you want. I don’t mind taking care of you.”
“If I come back, I will,” Hoseok nodded.
“No. When,” Yoongi replied firmly. He buried his face into the crook of Hoseok’s neck and took in a deep breath, “You’re going to come back, Hoseok. You have to.”
Hoseok’s thumb rubbed across the back of Yoongi’s shoulder. He was quiet for a long time, save for his occasional groan from his body aches. It seemed that Hoseok was truly at a loss for words.
The notion of Hoseok not knowing what to say was so foreign to Yoongi.
Hoseok was the person who always knew the right words, whether he needed to charm Yoongi or talk to him about something serious that changed things for both of them.
“You know,” Hoseok slowly began. He closed his eyes against Yoongi’s head. “Sometimes, you say things like that. And, no matter how…sucky I’m feeling, it makes me feel like I matter more than anything to you. It’s nice.”
“I’m glad I can make you feel that way. That’s how you make me feel all the time,” Yoongi smiled.
“Close your eyes.”
Yoongi raised his eyebrows.
“Close your eyes,” Hoseok repeated. He pressed a kiss to Yoongi’s temple. “Close your eyes and rest with me for just a moment…”
Yoongi closed his eyes and let the water and Hoseok engulf him into their heat, their chests rising and falling at the same time and their breathing in sync. Yoongi couldn’t even care that he was sharing the air with a sick person.
They had two weeks left at most…and Yoongi was milk every last drop out of it.
~
“Dinner is here!’
Yoongi kicked the door open, carefully setting down the bowl of tomato soup onto Hoseok’s nightstand. Hoseok was laying down underneath Yoongi’s blankets despite the heat outside to try to beat the chills.
The fever was still there for sure, but the bath seemed to help sweat it out. Hoseok was tangibly less warm. And he now had fresh clothes to feel clean and not sick in.
What the bath did not do was improve Hoseok’s mood.
“Are you still mad at me,” Yoongi asked.
Hoseok let out a long sigh and shook his head, “I could never be mad at you. I’m mad at that pussy of yours for not wanting to help me out after almost an hour pressed together. Come here.”
Yoongi crawled on top of the bed, letting Hoseok wrap an arm around the small of his back.
“I had to go make the soup. And we’ve never actually had sex like that before,” Yoongi pouted. He wrapped his arms around what he assumed was Hoseok’s chest. It was a little bit hard to tell anatomy with a massive blanket that refused to obey gravity and fall on Hoseok’s body right. “Did you really want it to be like that? Eat up.”
Hoseok sat up a little, grabbing a spoonful of the tomato soup over Yoongi’s head. He gave a hum of approval before going in for another spoonful.
“I guess you’re right. I did want it to be some nice, romantic thing,” Hoseok sighed. “My emotions got ahead of me again.”
“They’re always getting ahead of us,” Yoongi replied. He took Hoseok’s hand towel from the table and placed it back on Hoseok’s head, the still damp towel acting like an ice pack. “I’m fairly sure that about half of the things we’ve done wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t. It’s not a bad thing. I like how emotional you are.”
Yoongi could feel Hoseok’s smile against his head as he hummed, “I like how stubborn you are. Even if it means I have to fight to get what I want.”
“You know you don’t have to, right,” Yoongi pouted. He looked down at Hoseok’s chest, tracing little stars and circles into his skin absentmindedly. “You just have to figure out how to work me. Really, I’m just like that cornstarch and water stuff. If you want me to be liquid, you can’t force it.”
Hoseok simply nodded, taking the information in. Yoongi could practically feel his head rushing to figure out how exactly he could get Yoongi to budge.
Now that Yoongi thought about it, telling Hoseok that was a dangerous thing to do. Because Yoongi was already so weak for Hoseok. Informing Hoseok that there was a special way to get to him would only mean that Hoseok could make him go along with anything.
“You know, I think it’s a little bit of the opposite. A little bit of force is necessary,” Hoseok hummed. He grabbed Yoongi’s hip tightly, flipping them around so that Yoongi was pinned underneath him. Yoongi let out a little yelp as Hoseok slotted himself between his legs. “Just not verbal, am I right? You melt like butter under my hands.”
Yoongi had to put all of his energy into not folding right then and there. He placed his hands on Hoseok’s chest, looking anywhere but Hoseok’s face as he blushed, “Hoseok, you’re going to hurt yourself.”
“It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt,” Hoseok smiled. He gripped Yoongi’s hip a little bit tighter, eliciting a little gasp from Yoongi. That was going to bruise later. “Would you like me to hurt you?”
Yoongi bit down on his lip, making the fatal mistake of looking up at Hoseok’s face.
“As long as you’re gentle.”
Hoseok’s hand pushed down Yoongi’s thigh, his skirt catching on Hoseok’s wrist. Hoseok’s long fingers creeped down Yoongi’s plump flesh. After months of exploring each other’s bodies, it didn’t take long for Hoseok to find Yoongi’s clit.
A long finger ran up and down Yoongi’s cunt. Yoongi squirmed around at the strange feeling. He was just barely getting used to the feeling of a tongue fucking him. Yoongi hadn’t been fucked in over two years. And now, the thought of it was making electricity course through his veins in anticipation.
“Are you always this wet, or do I just make you this hot and bothered,” Hoseok teased.
“Both,” Yoongi pouted. He grabbed Hoseok’s shoulders, gripping tightly and squeezing his eyes shut as the first finger slowly pushed in.
It couldn’t have been more than a knuckle deep. But it was so, so much. Just one finger sent his body on fire. And not in a good way. The stretch was painful, Yoongi felt wet droplets fall down his face as Hoseok pushed in even further.
“Shh…shhh,” Hoseok whispered. He peppered kisses all over Yoongi’s face. Yoongi was so momentarily distracted by Hoseok’s warm face against his that he didn’t even feel Hoseok’s finger bottom out at the knuckle. “Just breathe, sunshine. Deep breaths, and just relax. It’s going to hurt a lot worse in just a second.”
Yoongi took in a deep breath, following the rise and fall of Hoseok’s chest. The cloud of pain cleared from his head and his heart slowed itself down. But it didn’t stop the second finger from hurting as much.
The second wasn’t as bad as the first. This time, Yoongi felt full, and the pain of the stretch almost made his head rush with pure bliss. Yoongi’s body melted in Hoseok’s arms as Hoseok began to stretch him out. Hoseok didn’t bother to try to hit anything or start fucking him, and Yoongi didn’t have to ask to know that he wanted to let Yoongi comfortably enjoy every little step.
As if they had all the time in the world.
Hoseok’s face was twisted up into a pained, impatient expression. His arms and legs were shaking as he tried to fight against his body and the illness.
Yoongi pushed on Hoseok’s chest, rolling them around so that they were lying down and facing each other. He let their lips find each other in a quick kiss before he whispered, “Don’t hurt yourself. Please. I want you to have fun too.”
“God, I love you, Yoongi,” Hoseok smiled. He let his fingers slip out of Yoongi’s pussy, the sudden empty feeling hitting Yoongi like a truck. “Go on.”
They shifted around once more. Hoseok sat up against the headrest of Yoongi’s bed as Yoongi got on all fours. He let his skirt fall onto the bed, kicking it off as he crawled in between Hoseok’s legs. Hoseok’s pants did little to hide how hard he was.
Yoongi pressed a little kiss to Hoseok’s clothed crotch with an innocent-seeming flutter of his eyelashes, drawing a sharp breath from Hoseok in pain. Yoongi was well aware of the fact that Hoseok had been dealing with this since their bath together — a result of Yoongi accidentally brushing Hoseok’s cock with his hip.
It wasn’t long before Hoseok’s pants and underwear were discarded over the side of the bed with Yoongi’s skirt.
Yoongi felt his legs shake at the sight of Hoseok’s cock. It always looked big, but, now that Yoongi was imagining it plowing through his insides, it looked terrifying. A jolt of electricity ran up Yoongi’s body with excitement at the thought of Hoseok filling him until he couldn’t stretch any more.
As dirty and scandalous as it was, Yoongi couldn’t wait for his body to be molded into Hoseok’s perfect little hole.
“Come here,” Hoseok called out. He pulled his feet back, forming a perfect little seat for Yoongi.
Yoongi crawled over Hoseok’s legs, sliding down Hoseok’s thighs until he was sitting right in front of Hoseok’s dick. There was so little space that their stomachs pressed Hoseok’s cock flush against their bodies, and their faces were just centimeters away from each other.
There wasn’t a single place Yoongi would rather be in. Not in his wildest imagination.
“Do you still want to do this,” Hoseok asked quietly.
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s dick in front of him and smiled softly, “Hoseok…you have no idea how long I’ve wanted this. Make me yours. Just for tonight.”
“Well, if you’re mine,” Hoseok smiled back.
He grabbed the back of Yoongi’s head and pushed their lips together for a kiss. It wasn’t heated, it wasn’t rushed or desperate. It was passionate, and it was loving, and it was everything that Yoongi’s heart needed to fill the hole that had been swallowing him alive the past couple of months.
Yoongi sat up, bending down to keep their lips pressed together as Hoseok’s hand guided him. He felt the tip of Hoseok’s cock prod at his entrance and Hoseok’s hand guided it up and down to collect the slick.
Yoongi slid onto just the tip of Hoseok’s cock with a little whimper. Just the tip felt like so much. His legs already started to shake.
And then, Hoseok’s hand brushed against the back of Yoongi’s thigh. Yoongi’s legs gave out entirely, forcing the rest of Hoseok’s cock to slam into him. A loud cry slipped out of Yoongi’s mouth as he experienced a flash of pain and pleasure and fear all at once.
Yoongi felt so full and stretched out and good. But it hurt so badly. He couldn’t remember how this had once been his life. Every week, several times a week. But being this close to Hoseok several times a week didn’t sound so bad.
Being speared on Hoseok’s cock every single night didn’t sound so bad either.
Yoongi rested his head on Hoseok’s shoulder as Hoseok’s hands found the small of his back. Suddenly, the pain turned into a weird pleasure, and Yoongi found himself able to breathe again as Hoseok held him close.
“It’s stupid how beautiful you are like this,” Hoseok whispered into Yoongi’s ear. His hot breath lingered on Yoongi’s neck and left shivers down Yoongi’s spine. “Bewitching, really. It has to be some sort of witchcraft. You’ve had me under your spell since day one. My little witch.”
“I swear to god, Hoseok, if you make a joke about me being on the stake right now, I will kill you,” Yoongi whimpered. “Please…move.”
Hoseok pulled Yoongi back in for a kiss and began pulling out. The drag was unbearably slow — Hoseok’s cock seeming impossibly big. Until Hoseok slammed his hips back into Yoongi. His cock hit something deep inside of Yoongi, a wave of pleasure crashing over them at the same time.
Their lips remained pressed together, Yoongi’s whimpers and moans getting caught in Hoseok’s mouth as Hoseok found his rhythm. It wasn’t long before Hoseok got his finger on the pulse.
Hoseok’s fingers made their way to Yoongi’s clit. His fingers rubbed at it in time with his thrusts, giving Yoongi not a second to breathe or stop feeling blissed out. Yoongi’s head was completely clouded with raw pleasure. His stomach twisted with every thrust and tightened with every expert rub of his clit in between.
The moment Hoseok shifted positions, his cock hitting just the perfect angle inside Yoongi, there was no time for a warning.
The knot inside of Yoongi’s stomach burst open. Yoongi’s entire body shook with pleasure as he came all over Hoseok’s hips. But Hoseok didn’t pause. Instead, he continued to thrust into him, pushing Yoongi to ride through every last second of his orgasm.
“Hoseok, Hoseok, Hoseok,” Yoongi whimpered. He felt tears spill over his eyes again as his body shook uncontrollably. “Hoseok.”
Suddenly, Hoseok’s hips began to falter, and Yoongi felt his insides fill with something hot and sticky. He blanched at the feeling. He’d never felt this before. Nobody had come inside him before. Not even his husband.
But Hoseok did. And Hoseok didn’t care that he was crying. And Hoseok was still inside of him. And Hoseok had done something Yoongi never had with his husband. And Yoongi couldn’t feel his husband’s place in his heart anymore. It was only Hoseok.
Eventually, Hoseok pulled out, and Yoongi felt empty.
Not just empty. Sad. Pining for Hoseok to be that close to him again. Longing to be Hoseok’s for just a little longer. Yearning to hear Hoseok talk about him like he was his.
Hoseok’s arm wrapped around Yoongi’s waist, pulling him close. He peppered kisses all over Yoongi’s face, his thumb gently wiping away Yoongi’s tears. It seemed like that was all Hoseok had been doing lately. Wiping away the tears for a relationship that didn’t exist.
“I love you, sunshine,” Hoseok whispered against Yoongi’s skin. He took in a shaky breath, a warm smile forming on his lips. “I didn’t even know I could love this much until I met you.”
Yoongi could only cry harder.
“It doesn’t have to be for tonight. All you have to do is say the word,” Hoseok murmured reassuringly. “Just…say the word. I promise, if you do, I’ll make you the happiest in the world. And I’ll never leave your side. It’ll be us against the world, for the rest of our lives. I see it all in my head — our life together. I wish you could too, Yoongi. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
Yoongi looked down at Hoseok’s arms and sniffled, “Can you tell me?”
“It might take a while,” Hoseok smiled. “Are you okay with that?”
Yoongi nodded in response.
He fell asleep in Hoseok’s arms sometime after Hoseok got to the things they could turn the underground bunker into.
~~~
Yoongi forgot how nice it was to wake up in someone’s arms the morning after making love.
Yoongi woke up on Hoseok’s chest, the blanket wrapped around them as they woke up from the warmth. Every bit of skin that touched the air suddenly felt ice cold. It was way past sunrise. That much was clear. And Hoseok’s tomato soup had long gone cold.
Everything ached. Yoongi’s bottom half especially felt sore. But he wouldn’t trade this moment for the world.
“Good morning, sunshine.”
Yoongi opened his eyes, squinting through the light to see Hoseok; reading glasses perched on his nose, a book in his hands, and looking much better than yesterday. He still looked sick, but some of the color and fullness had come back into his face.
Their eyes caught each other as Yoongi silently reached up to Hoseok’s forehead. The pads of his fingers gently touched Hoseok’s forehead.
“Did you already report to base,” Yoongi asked.
There were about a million more questions in his mind as his memory of last night came back to him. But Yoongi never really said what was important. Might as well keep up the pattern of avoiding what they both knew was there.
“I don’t have to if I’m sick. I just sent a letter informing them I’m quartering here,” Hoseok hummed. He ran his hands through Yoongi’s hair, playing with it as Yoongi continued to wake up a little bit more and more. “I informed them that you were my caretaker, so any plans of trying to kill me end here.”
“Well what am I supposed to do with the arsenic I bought now? That stuff’s expensive,” Yoongi pouted.
Hoseok leaned down, planting a kiss on Yoongi’s lips with a chuckle, “You’re so cute.”
“I’m in pain after you practically split me open,” Yoongi replied. He laid back down on Hoseok’s chest, closing his eyes with a long sigh. “Sorry, but your care isn’t going to be as thorough today. I doubt I could even stand up now.”
Hoseok continued to run his hand through Yoongi’s hair with a soft smile.
“Just stay here with me. That’s all the care I need.”
Yoongi couldn’t help but smile.
~~~
Hoseok got better with just one week left.
Time didn’t feel real. None of it felt real anymore, honestly. But, at the same time, it felt too close and too real and too terrifying. And there was nothing Yoongi could do about any of it but cry on Hoseok's shoulder.
Yoongi wished that they could do something else and enjoy their last week together, but the entire town seemed to be in a collective sadness. So many had become friends with the soldiers. Some of them, even more. And nobody was happy to think about them leaving.
It didn’t take a genius to notice that everything Yoongi and Hoseok did suddenly took longer. Every kiss lingered, their nights in the cafe stretched and stretched and stretched, their mornings were spent trying to stretch every last minute with anything other than crying. Nearly all of their energy was spent trying not to fight.
Half of the time, it was easy for Hoseok. All of it seemed so easy for him. It made Yoongi jealous, even though he knew that it wasn’t easy at all. He knew that deep down he was hurting and praying that he could come home. But at least he didn’t have to deny his heart what it wanted.
Every time Yoongi and Hoseok kissed, Yoongi couldn’t help but start crying in Hoseok’s arms. Those were the easy times. They didn’t have to say anything. There was nothing that could provoke a fight. Just Yoongi and his stupid, stupid problems of his own creation and his stupid, stupid love for Hoseok that wouldn’t go away no matter what he did. Their night spent making love only further cemented how much Hoseok occupied his heart.
At this point, there was no use in admitting it. Yoongi knew it. If he confessed the truth to Hoseok, all it would do was make them more terrified of the thing that was now looming over their heads. But it was only getting more and more difficult to keep himself from saying something.
Kissing Hoseok absolutely decimated any walls Yoongi had managed to put up. All of his innermost feelings, his love, his passion, his fear, came bursting through. And he thought about how he might never get to feel this way again. The next time he saw Hoseok might be in a casket. Or worse, he’d never see Hoseok again.
They might never get to live out that life that Hoseok told him about. With long picnics in the forest and trips to the bookstore and a renovation project for them to fill the time with and homemade meals filled with vegetables from their ever expanding garden and dancing for hours and hours to whatever jazz songs the radio was playing. Most of all, being with each other through all of it.
Loving each other through all of it.
The war was looking dire.
Hoseok had overheard some of the higher ups in the meeting room. Several of their military bases on the frontline were captured. The Yeong had more weapons than expected – more bombs, more tanks, more soldiers.
Less supplies came through to the base.
But still, life went on. And Yoongi had to do his best not to think about all of that.
Yoongi and Hoseok sat in the cafe, holding each other close as they watched people dance. Nearly the entire town and half of the soldiers were packed into the small cafe. Much like the night after the air raid.
They were all in uniform. Hoseok was too. He looked dashing, the sharp shape of his coat and the tightly fitting dress shirt making him look like any regular heartthrob.
But nobody dared to go near him, because they all knew that he belonged to Yoongi.
The music in full swing and the happiness radiating off of everybody there was almost enough to make Yoongi forget that Hoseok was leaving in two days time. Not even two days anymore. One day, one night, and one morning.
Tomorrow night would be Yoongi’s last night with Hoseok.
“Six months,” Hoseok sighed. “I’ve known you for six months now, and it feels like there was never a life before you.’
Yoongi took in a deep breath of the coffee tinted air. Their drinks were long finished on the table, but he swore he could still feel the bitter, warm liquid coursing through his veins.
There was never really a life before Hoseok.
Everything Yoongi had ever experienced, he experienced for the first time again with Hoseok. Making love, having a picnic, taking photos, feeling sunlight on his face, taking in the smell of coffee from their cafe. It was all new again with Hoseok.
Yoongi had to say, it was all more beautiful too.
“I can’t see you tomorrow night. We’re going to be busy preparing to leave the next morning,” Hoseok said quietly. Yoongi could barely process his words. He looked down at Yoongi’s hand, grabbing it with the most depressing smile Yoongi had ever seen. “Yoongi, before I go, may I have just one dance with you?”
Last…night…with Hoseok.
They were on their last night together already?
A deep, primal fear struck Yoongi’s heart, and he swore he could hear it shattering all over again. Yoongi blinked away his tears, trying to not let it show on his face that his heart was breaking underneath Hoseok’s touch and sad gaze.
Just one dance…the thing that had started and been his favorite thing of his first love. The thing that Yoongi had always refused to let Hoseok have because he knew that all of his feelings would explode out of the dam the moment they got on the floor together and his first love would be pushed away until he only existed six feet under the ground again.
But now it was their last night together, and—
“No,” Yoongi breathed out.
Hoseok’s face fell for just a second. And then, something even worse replaced it. His face twisted into a mixture of pain and sorrow and rage and frustration in less than a second. It took Yoongi even less than that time to realize that that was the breaking point of Hoseok’s patience.
The next thing Yoongi knew, Hoseok was standing up from the table. He let go of Yoongi and silently weaved through the crowd of people to reach the doors of the cafe.
Yoongi shot up and followed him out. He called out for Hoseok as his back disappeared in the sea of soldiers in the exact same uniform. Yoongi ran out, still calling out for Hoseok even as he passed the little gate.
The cold air bit his cheeks as he looked around frantically, screaming on the verge of tears, “HOSEOK, COME BACK. PLEASE.”
There was nobody in the outdoor area of the cafe. It seemed as if Hoseok had disappeared into thin air. At least until Yoongi turned around to find Hoseok standing right next to the door of the cafe.
The warm light barely managed to reach him as he stood there, staring straight at Yoongi.
“I can’t even catch a fucking break out here.”
Yoongi felt his heart crack a little bit more. He’d never heard that…tone from Hoseok before. He never thought he’d hear Hoseok truly be irritated by him.
Suddenly, Yoongi felt like a little kid all over again. He clutched the straps of his tote bag, looking down at the floor as he tried to not break down into tears, “I…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“And that’s what you apologize for,” Hoseok laughed dryly. He ran his hands through his hair, tilting his head back against the wall with a low sigh. “It’s fine. Just go back inside, Yoongi. You don’t have to pretend like you care that much anymore.”
Yoongi couldn’t move. His limbs felt like stone as he stared at Hoseok’s cold gaze, tears slowly walking down his cheeks. Every part of him hated this. Hated Hoseok being mad at him. Especially tonight of all nights, when they didn’t have any time left to waste on things like this.
“Hoseok, I don’t—”
“You don’t pretend, I know,” Hoseok cut Yoongi off. He looked down at the shadows on the floor of people talking and dancing and laughing. Yoongi couldn’t see his face — he wasn’t sure he even wanted to at this point. “You had to know that, eventually, I’d get sick of this. Of you…walking all over my fucking heart and holding me on a leash. I’M NOT A DOG, YOONGI. I CAN’T JUST TURN HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU ON AND OFF ON COMMAND.”
Yoongi’s knuckles began to turn white as he tried his very best to hold back the tears that were already coming. He tore his eyes away from Hoseok as he snapped back, “If you feel like you’re on a leash, then just leave. I don’t get how me saying no to dancing with you turns into you suddenly being a dog.”
“BECAUSE IT’S NOT JUST THE DANCE,” Hoseok yelled. “IT’S THE FACT THAT I LOVE YOU, AND YOU KNOW IT, AND YOU TAKE MY LOVE WHENEVER YOU WANT AFFECTION. BUT, THE MOMENT THAT I WANT SOMETHING EVEN AS SMALL AS DANCING WITH YOU JUST ONCE BEFORE I LEAVE, YOU CLAM UP AND EXPECT ME TO BE OKAY WITH IT. I’M LEAVING, YOONGI. AND I MAY NEVER COME BACK. AND I DON’T WANT TO BE LAYING DOWN ON THE BATTLEFIELD, BLEEDING OUT, STARING AT THE PICTURE OF YOU IN MY POCKET WATCH, AND THINKING ABOUT THE FACT THAT I NEVER GOT TO BE YOUR LOVER AND I NEVER GOT TO HAVE THAT DANCE WITH YOU. AND I’M NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND WHY THE HELL YOU HATE THE IDEA OF EITHER OF THOSE SO MUCH.”
“BECAUSE I LOVE YOU, HOSEOK.”
The words slipped out of Yoongi’s mouth before he even understood what was happening. But, the moment they did, he fell to the floor, crying. The first time he’d said those words to Hoseok’s face, and it was while they were angry at each other and screaming at the top of their lungs.
“I love you and you’re just like him but I love you more than I ever loved him and you’re going to leave me and I can’t go through that again,” Yoongi sobbed. He curled in on himself on the ground, gasping for air as his cries ripped through his lungs. “I don’t— I…I don’t have anything left of him. Every memory I had of doing something with him, you’ve taken it over. And dancing was the biggest thing for us and I can’t lose either of you again.”
Yoongi stayed crying on the ground. Hoseok stayed silent.
Eventually, Hoseok stepped in front of Yoongi, his voice quiet as he said, “I really hate that this is probably going to be the last moment we ever spend together. And I’m sorry for making it that way.”
“If we never see each other again,” Hoseok whispered. “Just know that all I ever wanted was to be yours — without all of the conditions and tip toeing and pushing. You’re the love of my life. And I wouldn’t have been mad if you had just told me. I would’ve tried to help you work through it.”
Hoseok set something down in front of Yoongi, careful not to even brush him as he whispered, “I love you, sunshine. It’s on me for thinking that you were ever really mine.”
Yoongi could barely hear Hoseok mumble underneath his breath over his cries.
“Only for that night.”
By the time Yoongi stopped crying, Hoseok was long gone. All Yoongi could do was throw whatever it was Hoseok gave him into his bag and run home to the comfort of the last place he’d felt Hoseok’s arms wrapped around him.
Maybe that was a mistake.
Maybe Yoongi deserved to break down into tears everywhere he looked because he could only be reminded of Hoseok and what it was he’d just lost.
Maybe Yoongi deserved the warmth of his blanket feeling a little empty.
What Yoongi knew for sure was that he didn’t deserve Hoseok.
Yoongi grabbed the thing Hoseok gave him out of his bag. He could barely make out the circular shape through his tears. But Yoongi could immediately feel that this was the thing in Hoseok’s pocket that day at the barracks. There were gems on it, with a button at the top, and a long chain.
A locket.
Yoongi clutched it close to his chest, crying for what felt like hours over the small piece of jewelry.
He wasn’t sure when he stopped crying and when he started dreaming that Hoseok was next to him, wiping away the tears like he always used to do.
~~~
To Yoongi,
I’m sorry.
Forever yours,
Hoseok
~~~
Time passed, and life moved on.
Yoongi supposed he had to as well.
Months and months of waiting for Hoseok to write or send any sort of sign that he was still alive became fruitless. Night after night of crying for Hoseok became tiring. Constantly sitting in his thoughts and thinking of Hoseok every time he so much as looked at something became depressing.
After four months of non stop crying and mourning and sobbing and waiting and begging the universe for another chance, Yoongi realized that he had to pick his life up again.
With the locket with Hoseok’s picture always tucked close to Yoongi’s chest, he went on with life again.
The physical difference was almost immediately clear. Yoongi regained the color and life in his face. He started eating again, his eyes weren’t in a constant state of puffiness. Mentally, he could feel the weight of everything that happened between them lifting off of his shoulders. He suddenly found that he could think about everything without falling into a spiral.
Emotionally…Yoongi was still stuck in a pit. He may have stopped crying so much, but he missed Hoseok badly. Every few weeks, he’d think he was okay. He’d swear he was getting better. And then he’d go to bed, and the feeling of the blanket around him would be just a little heavier than normal, and suddenly he was crying again, wrapping the blanket around himself tighter and tighter to try to replicate the feeling of Hoseok’s arms holding him.
And then he’d feel his stomach gnawing at him, tearing him apart with guilt and anxiety. Yoongi regretted everything. But, most of all, he regretted not letting them love each other and treating Hoseok like a switch just because he couldn’t deal with his feelings properly.
Now, Yoongi just had to pray that Hoseok would even want to come back to him.
Yoongi didn’t remember the process being this hard.
It certainly didn’t help that updates about the war were constantly in the news and on the radio.
Casualty numbers were high, but Yoongi’s heart always hung onto the hope that Hoseok was still alive and wishing to kiss Yoongi again just as much as Yoongi wished Hoseok would come back to hold him again.
Once seven months had slipped away, Yoongi gave up hope that Hoseok was coming home.
~~~
To my sunshine,
Another month has gone by, and now I’ve been away from you for longer than we were together. I keep replaying that night in my mind. The more I do, the more I regret walking away from you. At the time, it felt right because I was angry. But now, I would rather be angry with you than heartbroken without you.
We’ll scream at each other and work it all out when I come back. Even if we lose, I’m coming back to you. I hope you’ll wait a little longer. I’m sorry I can’t send letters, but I’ll write them for you in hopes that you just know I’m writing.
Being without you hurts worse than this gunshot wound,
Hoseok
~~~
It was a hot night in August when Yoongi last saw Hoseok, and it was a cool day in May when the soldiers began marching back into town.
Victory bells rang, the sounds of laughter and the sight of love was abundant in the streets. Anyone who had an instrument or a radio blasted music as a steady river of the wounded and torn up boys walked through the streets.
Yoongi didn’t care about any of the soldiers drinking and laughing or passing out or kissing the girls from the town they’d fallen in love with.
The moment Yoongi heard that the soldiers were back in town, he ran out of the cafe and began frantically searching for Hoseok’s face. Yoongi ran all around the crowd, working his way through the massive amounts of men walking through. He made sure he didn’t miss a single face as he pushed past everyone.
“HOSEOK? HOSEOK, WHERE ARE YOU,” Yoongi called out.
Yoongi’s heart felt like it was being pulled out of his chest, leading him further and further into the stream of people. He could feel hot tears beginning to form behind his eyes as frustration overtook him.
There were so many soldiers, and none of them had even heard Hoseok’s name before. And, as Yoongi pushed past the soldiers in the front, every single person he passed began to carry worse and worse wounds. There were some with entire limbs missing. Yoongi had to stop himself from throwing up as he passed one that had died on the side of the street.
Just the thought that that was somebody’s Hoseok. The thought that maybe that was Hoseok…
The day started to slip past Yoongi faster than he could search. It wasn’t long before the sun passed its peak and Yoongi’s stomach began to rumble. But he couldn’t stop. Not when he was this close to being next to Hoseok again.
The crowd of faces began to blur as Yoongi pushed through people.
And then, one face stuck out to him as if the sun cast a spotlight directly on it.
Time seemed to stop as Yoongi took in the sight of him — his skin was beautifully tan as ever, his frame just a little more muscular, tired eyes looking down at a child as compassionately as ever, and a large scar running up his neck.
As if drawn together like a magnet, Hoseok’s eyes flickered upwards, catching Yoongi’s in a rush of emotions that flickered across his face.
Yoongi didn’t care about anything that happened. All that he could feel when he saw Hoseok was relief and love. It crashed over him in a wave that pushed him forwards, tears spilling out of his eyes as he ran to Hoseok.
Hoseok spread his arms out just as Yoongi jumped to grab onto him. He immediately caught Yoongi, spinning him around with a quiet laugh that made Yoongi’s heart swell.
He missed hearing that laugh every day.
He missed these arms holding him close.
They held each other for a long moment. As long as they’d both been picturing this day in their minds, neither of them knew what exactly to say.
All they could do was soak in the feeling of being with each other again — of being whole again.
Hoseok pulled away first, his hands lingering on Yoongi as he stared at him. Hoseok remained fixated on Yoongi’s eyes. Yoongi stared at every part of Hoseok he could see, taking in every feature like it was the last time he was going to see him again.
Yoongi let go of Hoseok, reaching out to gently touch the large scar on Hoseok’s neck.
“Hoseok, what happened,” Yoongi whispered fearfully. More tears poured down silently as he thought about everything that could have happened that would have caused a scar this big and how much pain Hoseok had to have been in. “Are you o—”
Hoseok’s lips pressed against Yoongi’s before he could finish his sentence. His hands cupped Yoongi’s cheeks, his thumbs wiping away the tears like he always used to as they kissed.
It was soft like the gentle kiss of a lover and rough like Hoseok hadn’t tasted Yoongi’s lips in years. Neither of those statements were completely false, Yoongi realized. But the only thing that really mattered was that Hoseok was kissing him again.
Yoongi didn’t realize that Hoseok was crying until a tear that wasn’t his hit his cheek.
“I love you, my sunshine,” Hoseok murmured against Yoongi’s lips. “Forget everything I said before. Let me hold you again, I don’t care about any terms or conditions.”
Yoongi’s hands ran through Hoseok’s hair until they found the back of his head. He tore himself away from Hoseok, gasping for air as he shook his head, “No terms or conditions. I’m yours, Hoseok. I was always yours.”
“I’m sorry I ever had them,” Yoongi whispered. “I love you, Hoseok. And I want that future with you. The one you told me about the night we made love.”
Hoseok stared at Yoongi for a long time in disbelief before his tired eyes began to sparkle with a smile that made Yoongi’s heart pound. The music around them seemed to grow louder and warmer as Hoseok smiled at him.
“We should start discussing the details over lunch. I haven’t eaten in two days,” Hoseok smiled. “I couldn’t take a break when I was so close to coming back to you.”
Yoongi looked around at the people around them, finally able to see their faces and their happiness. The misery that Yoongi saw before was gone. And now, all he could see was how the sun shined brighter and people danced and laughed and tended to each other’s wounds.
“I have lots of food at home. Couldn’t kick my habit of cooking for two,” Yoongi replied. He looked back into Hoseok’s eyes, immediately finding that warm, kind fire behind them. “I know you’re probably really hungry, but…can we dance for a little while? I think it’s been long, long overdue.”
Hoseok’s smile grew impossibly wide. He wrapped his arms around Yoongi’s back, pulling him in close. Yoongi closed his eyes against Hoseok’s chest and hugged him tightly. They swayed back and forth to the jazz music blasting from someone’s home nearby.
And…it was perfect. It was everything Yoongi loved.
Dancing with Hoseok wasn’t anything like dancing with his husband, and yet it was just as special at the same time. Yoongi’s heart settled a little bit as he slowly began to piece together the realization.
Hoseok wasn’t his husband. And his experiences with Hoseok didn’t have to negate his experiences with his husband. They were both their chapters in his story. Not a single page that had to be fought over for importance.
“I’m sorry for everything I put you through,” Yoongi whispered. He squeezed Hoseok closer to him, letting his eyes stay closed as he apologized. “I was scared, and I didn’t handle things properly. I should have talked to you about it and stayed true to my word instead of acting like your lover and denying it all.”
Hoseok pressed a kiss against the side of Yoongi’s jaw with a smile, “I forgive you. After all, it’s my photo inside my locket you’re wearing at the end of the day. And it’s me you’ll fall asleep with.”
“You’re…really forgiving me? Just like that,” Yoongi asked.
“Well…yeah,” Hoseok nodded. “You know, I saw a lot out there. I got hurt a lot out there. And it just made me realize that this was exactly what you were scared of. We both were trying to stop ourselves from losing each other, but we did it in different ways.”
They stood there, swaying along with the music in silence.
No more war, no more rush to live their lives.
“I love you, Hoseok.”
Hoseok smiled to himself, holding Yoongi tight, “I love you even more, my sunshine.”