Chapter Text
Anakin heaved a barely audible sigh.
This was useless, it was frustrating and to some extent humiliating. He closed his eyes shut with a bit more force than necessary, while left and right from him Younglings sat sitting and holding each other’s hands, visibly at peace with themselves and the Force. They were distracting him, their brightly sparkling energy felt to him like a swarm of irritating bees - even their breath resonated buzzingly in his ears.
It was Obi-Wan’s fault! Why did he have to let slip in front of Master Yoda, that meditating was giving him a hard time at the moment? He could have just let him be. Just for once.
Meditating had never been easy for him. It was hard to silence the restless energy within himself often multiplied to unbearable levels by surges of Force power wrecking through him, whenever he tried to open himself to it. Puberty had made it worse. In the first years, when his body was stretched by one growth spurt after another and human hormones started wreaking havoc, he was hardly able to sit down for any length of time.
It hasn’t become any more bearable in the last months.
“Open your mind to the Force around you, you should,” Yoda said in his croaky voice. The Youngling next to Anakin practically shuddered with open reverence and sat even straighter on the mats.
“To their presence you reach out.”
Anakin hesitated, the buzzing of the Younglings became louder and louder until it boarded on physical pain and he shut his shields to protect himself from the onslaught of dragging and grasping sensations trying to pull him in every direction at once. Tension leaving his body and he slouched down.
He opened his eyes. All eyes were on him and Master Yoda was contemplating him with a deep frown and concern on his face.
“Padawan Skywalker, unwell, you are feeling,” he stated.
Before he could say anything else and giving the Younglings an idea of his weakness or failings in meditation, Anakin scrambled to his feet.
“I apologize, Master. I am not feeling well today. If you excuse me, I should pay a visit to the Halls of Healing.” Without waiting for any answer, he bowed to Yoda’s general direction and left the room with long strides, leaving Yoda and the Younglings looking after him.
The corridors were blissfully empty during the late hours of the morning. It was still some time till lunch and most Younglings were probably still in their classes or elsewhere. He stopped in an alcove, hopefully far enough away from Yoda to detect his mostly concealed presence. He leaned against the marble wall and slid down. The cool shadow made him shiver slightly. He closed his eyes and breathed in an out a couple of times to calm his distraught mind. Away from the curious little auras, it was much easier to calm down enough to think about his next steps. He didn’t feel like actually going to the Halls of Healing even though there was a headache forming behind his eyes. But he was certainly not up to another being trying to prod into his mind and determining the chaotic whirls and waves it creates.
Hi grit his teeth and anger welled up in his chest, making it hard to breathe again. Damn that stupid meditation sessions. Why was he supposed to meditate at all? It did nothing for him. It never calmed him down, why was everyone always so persistent of making him do something he hated and that did not help? Maybe if he had been doing it from a younger age on… like the Younglings at the temple…
Anakin shook his head and got up with the determination of tiring his body enough to silence the annoying thoughts and qualms.
Purposefully he made his way to the Training Halls to indulge himself in some physical exercise. Hopefully he would find a worthy opponent, maybe one of the old Padawans or better even a Master. Someone he could actually learn something from and get on with his abilities and skills. And not to be put on hold in order to meditate.
The Training Halls were only sparsely used at that time of day. A handful of Younglings was instructed by Master Drallig, watching the humming blade with awe and fascination as it practically danced through the air. Master Antana was sparring with her Padawan, who’s name Anakin had forgotten. He watched them for a couple of minutes before he went to a quiet corner of the room to start going through a set of katas and movements to warm up his muscles.
He had been going for about thirty minutes – not yet enough time for sweat to dampen his hair – when his Master entered the Halls evidently looking for him. Anakin felt his Master’s approaching presence long before he saw him and braced himself for the lecture, he would no doubt receive. After all, he should be meditating with Master Yoda and the Younglings instead.
“Anakin”
Anakin depowered his lightsaber and faced his Master, straightening his spine. He tried to make a neutral face, probably not succeeding completely, if Obi-Wans frown was any indication. He was bound for a lecture of disobedience, proper behavior and the benefits of well-executed meditation for one’s mind.
A flicker of defiance danced across his face – of course, immediately noticed by his very perceptive Master, whose frown deepened in response.
“Have you at least been to Master Yoda and attempted to meditate?”, Obi-Wan asked. He folded his arms, looking at his Padawan expectantly. Anakin knew that any attempt at denying or playing dumb was fruitless. He thought quickly about the best course of action.
“I have been trying, Master.”, he replied, forcing his face into an expression of humility and lowering his gaze. “But I had an even harder time trying to focus with so many others around. The Force was so loud…”
He looked back at his Master. Obi-Wan wasn’t quick enough to completely hide his exasperation of hearing the same reasoning again. But instead of brushing it aside, he seemed to take a second to think.
“Have you voiced your difficulties?”, he asked, guessing the answer before Anakin shook his head. The explanation that he didn’t want to voice his problems in front of a group of Younglings was left unsaid between them. Obi-Wan stroked his beard and murmured, more to himself than to Anakin: “I should speak to Master Yoda about it. Individual sessions might be more effective…”
Anakin turned away in displeasure. As much as he loved attention, praising his skills and talents, he hated being singled out for any shortcomings his Master and some of the members of the High Council were quick to see in him. Private meditation with Master Yoda was something that was rather low on his list of useful activities. Sometimes he didn’t understand why he was forced to meditate at all. Clearly it was giving him nothing. It did not improve his combat skills nor did it enhance his connection to the Force. It only managed to agitate and frustrate him.
The sound of his Master igniting his lightsaber got his attention. A warning, a ripple in the Force made his body respond, before his mind consciously caught up – his Master’s blue blade collided with his own. The strength behind the blow nearly sent him tumbling. Obi-Wan jumped backwards, a few feet away from Anakin, who had gained his balance, back in his favored opening stance of Soresu. Anakin didn’t bother to move into his opening stance, but attacked right away, putting his pent-up frustration into every single blow.
He gritted his teeth, the hold on his lightsaber hilt almost painful. Anger surged through him, his Master, Yoda and the Jedi code. None were able to do him justice, to understand him. They were just holding him back, instead of channeling his force, they sought to control it and him.
The blue blade trembled with his shaking muscles while Obi-Wan parried every forceful blow apparently with ease.
"Anakin!"
Anakin growled, why was his Master only deflecting every blow? Why couldn't he for once attack him properly? How was he to become better, to exceed himself, if his Master was on the defensive? How could he possibly teach him? He wasn’t ever to truly refine and master his skills, if he was constantly unchallenged. Why wasn’t he allowed to learn Vaapad…
"ANAKIN!"
He ducked, lightsaber slashing the air above the training mat, where his Master's ankle had been. Rising quickly, he turned sharp left and thrust the blade forwards, forcing Obi-Wan to jump back to avoid a stab in the ribs. Blood was pounding in his ears, while his movements became more erratic, aiming for Obi-Wan’s body with clear lack of precision.
"Anakin, STOP!"
Obi-Wan grabbed Anakin's right wrist – lightsaber knocked from his hand – with enough force to hurt, swung them around and pushed him with his own momentum down. Anakin hit the floor and the air left his lungs in one swift "oomph". His lightsaber deactivated and tumbled out of reach. Obi-Wan was above him, his elbow on Anakin’s throat pinned him to the ground, a knee dug painfully into his groin.
"M-Master," he gasped. The shock of the sudden end of sparring left him motionless. He looked up into Obi-Wan's concerned and incredulous face. All anger and strength seemed to suddenly seep out of him, leaving him with a hollow emptiness and shame.
"Anger is not the way of the Jedi." Obi-Wan said firmly, not releasing Anakin. "If you draw from it, it will cloud your mind. This is why you lost. In a duel this can cost you your life."
His gaze was hard. Anakin wanted desperately to look away.
"Yes, Master. You are right, Master."
Finally, Obi-Wan reduced the pressure on his groin and throat and helped Anakin up. His back was hurting, where he had made contact with the floor first. There would sure be bruises. Absentmindedly, he rubbed the skin on his throat, while he picked up his lightsaber. He clicked it back onto his belt, aware of his Master's scrutinizing eyes. The lecture that was sure to come for this would no doubt be very long. Probably with even more meditation ahead.
"Go shower and then meditate. We will talk after that."
Anakin nodded not able to keep an air of defiance out of his face.
"Yes, Master." He turned away from Obi-Wan and tried his hardest to ignore the eyes of the many people in the room. He left the Training Halls with long strides, only catching few glimpses of disparaging expressions.