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The sunlight was bright that day, invading his vision even behind closed eyelids. The sky was a stretching, endless blue. Wispy white clouds ribboned across the sky, far too thin to even cast a shadow. The tree above them, leaves blowing in the slight humid breeze, barely blocked any of it. Sunlight streamed through the canopy, creating dancing speckles of sunshine on the ground below.
The grass was soft that day, under the only skin available to touch while laying down on it. Reki ran his palms over the short stalks, briefly feeling the tickle from the carpet of green before bringing his hands to rest on his stomach. The salty air stuck to the sweat on his brow, combining in an uncomfortable swirl of moisture.
It was hot, far too hot to be fully covered, even for him. Usually, he'd keep skating through it. Not even bothering with more than a bottle of water to combat the summer temperatures. However, that day, he didn't particularly want to.
When Langa suggested a five minute break, he gave in much easier than the blue-eyed boy had expected. If how wide his eyes went at the concession were any hint. Usually, Reki would just toss him the water he had packed in advance for him while teasing his distress. He'd mock Langa's choice of wearing tight jeans on the warmest of days, even if he was wearing a hoodie himself and also complaining.
Why not wear shorts Langaaa?
Why not wear a t-shirt Reki?
Not that day, a break sounded nice. What was meant to be a five minute break turned into ten, turned into a half hour. Probably. Reki didn't actually know, he was far too content where he laid to actually check. A soft sigh from above him had one amber eye opening to peek at the boy sitting next to him.
Langa sat with his back against the rough bark of one of the many trees surrounding the skatepark. Long legs stretched before him where his high top shoes were knocking into each other in something like impatience. His hands were shoved in between his thighs while a contemplating look painted his soft face.
Reki opened both eyes and tilted his head back, the movement caught his headband on the ground and pushed more red hair into his vision. Langa noticed and looked down at him with an indescribable look. Reki's best guess would be that there was a question brewing on the tip of his tongue.
Putting the pieces together from the glance, to the fidgeting, and the silence, Reki knew that Langa did indeed have a question to ask. It was going to be one Reki wouldn't like, and that's why he was apprehensive. He let his own sigh escape from his lungs before closing his eyes and repositioning his head back to resting position.
"What is it, Langa?" Best to just get it over with and put his poor best friend out of his indecisive misery. He heard his clothes rustle as he must've shifted his position in preparation.
Langa very quietly cleared his throat and in his soft voice finally asked. "Why aren't we skating?"
Well that wasn't what Reki was expecting at all.
"Thought you wanted a break?" He kept his eyes closed, the light still dancing behind his eyelids as he waited for the reply.
"I did, but usually.." Langa trailed off with a sigh.
He knew what usually was. He knew what Langa was trying to say and he knew he absolutely did not want to get questioned more about it.
"It's warm." Reki started as his fingers found the strings on his chest. He twirled the bit at the end that was all frayed between his pointer finger and his thumb. "If you want to keep skating, you don't have to sit with me."
A stronger wind blew through, splashing his face in a slightly cooler wave of air. Must've come off the ocean then, if the wind switched it would be much more of a pleasant afternoon. Maybe it would make the burning under fabric stop as well as the burning of his face.
"I only want to skate with you."
At the finality of his tone Reki finally looked again. Langa's face was now set in that strong determination that really was unnecessary for a Sunday at the skatepark. He should save it for S. His blue eyes were completely focused on Reki below him.
A smile found its way to his lips and he shook his head softly on the grass. Wild locks surely getting even more tangled with the movement. "It's getting late anyway, aren't you hungry?"
Reki could keep the conversation off himself easily, knowing Langa as well as he did. Distract him with food, he could never resist food. Even if Reki didn't know what a clock would read, it had definitely been a long time since the taller boy's last snack.
"No." Langa lied as his stomach betrayed him with a loud noise.
"Really convincing there, dude." Reki huffed a laugh and let his hands fall to the ground beneath him. Only slightly wincing when the sleeves rubbed his forearms the wrong way. He opened his eyes, blinking against the light before leaning his head back to look at Langa once more. This time he had a slight adorable pout on his pink lips.
Reki took a deep inhale through his nose as his eyes closed once more in preparation to get himself off the ground. He really was comfortable in the quiet for once and he didn't want to leave it. Right as he exhaled, soft fingertips brushed against his forehead in a feather light and cautious touch.
Even if it was just a brief reposition of strands of red on his nose, it sent his heart racing. Amber eyes opened once more to catch just a glimpse of Langa's soft look before those blue eyes darted to the side. Reki swallowed the next sigh, a mourning one, at the loss of casual affection.
Sure, they touched all the time. Reki couldn't keep his arms from wrapping around Langa. Langa had started returning his violent affections, with tackling hugs of his own. Sometimes after races, always after a good win. Usually Reki loved it and returned it just as much but he hadn't lately.
He hadn't the night before, after he won a beef against Cherry. And he definitely hadn't that day, when Langa had nailed the trick he'd been working on. He still sung his praises both times, just from a casual distance away.
Reki hadn't hugged him at all that weekend, breaking their normal, worried his sleeves would betray him.
Why did Langa have to pick that day to break their normal in a way that had Reki ready to lay his head on his thigh and beg for more? Why couldn't have it been any other day? When his skin was not torn up and his arms were not burning?
Reki pulled his sleeves over his hands and pushed himself up with fabric covered palms. Once he was safely sitting, he fixed his headband and stray hairs before turning to look at Langa again. Still glancing away from him and blushing, painting the gentle slope of his nose pink. Absolutely beautiful under the summer shade, with his thin hair blowing in the breeze.
"Let's go get ramen." Reki decided with a burning face of his own and a glance at the ocean in the opposite direction from his favorite color of blue.
"Okay."
The sun was beginning to lower as they made their way to their favorite after skating destination. A small ramen shop with affordable prices for students with only part time jobs. Smiling over steaming broth, Langa had dropped whatever it was that he was going to push on. Much to Reki's relief as he decided to make up for how quiet he had been right before dinner.
He talked about the last race with Cherry, how well Langa had done on the third corner. Snow couldn't be beat by a computer, there was no way. Langa's natural impulsivity completely ruined the program's calculations. He really was amazing, and he made sure to let Langa know. It didn't sting anymore, that thought of never being able to reach his heights, literally.
Other things did though, even if he had worked through his insecurities regarding their friendship. A whole new crop of them grew when he wasn't looking. Once he realized his feelings for Langa, Reki was able to see them spreading like weeds under his skin and whispering in his veins.
He'll never be as good as Langa had morphed into; he'll never be good for him.
They could be friends, with a good balance between them. A match that worked well in the friendship aspect. Reki didn't think he'd ever be good enough to love Langa like he deserved to be loved. He was average at best in most things, utterly hopeless at others.. his mind told him that he'd fail before he could even try and he gave into it.
The whispering was so loud at times, mostly at night when he laid alone in the silence of his room. It was hard to ignore all of the negative thoughts tearing at him from behind his skin. It was why..
Langa's hand found his wrist and Reki jumped. The touch was light enough to not sting but he was still scared. Scared of what secret was lying just a thin piece of fabric and the palm above it. He could only imagine the immense disgust Langa would have if he knew..
"Are you okay?" Langa asked with a raise of one blue eyebrow. His voice was softer than usual, just like the previous question. Cautious.
"Yep." Reki lied through his teeth now showing in his smile. Damn, he must have trailed off without realizing it. "Lost my train of thought. That 360 Indy grab you did right after the third turn was super impressive."
He kept rambling on about every single piece of the race the night before while Langa started to inch towards his bowl. Reki slid it towards him on the bartop while moving on to little improvements he could make on his board based on what he observed during the race.
It was normal enough. Langa seemed to forget all about his curiosity by the time they made it out of the restaurant. The sun had set, casting the town in shadows as the street lights flickered on one by one. What once was a bright blue was now a deep purple, with waves of pink and orange in the form of those soft wispy clouds.
"Hey Reki." Langa dropped his board to the concrete beneath their feet with a clack. "I told my mom I was staying over again, cause I thought we would be out skating later.."
Reki tilted his head in confusion at the pause and dropped his board too. Setting one foot on it while he patiently waited for Langa to continue.
"Can I stay over anyway? Or are we going to skate some more or.." Blue eyes looked away right when they made eye contact.
It was even more confusing. Why was Langa not looking at him? He could understand looking away after brushing his hair gently, but not asking to stay over. He had done so before after late nights at S and sometimes after staying out at the skatepark. Besides, it was summer break so it's not like they had to worry about school in the morning.
"Of course you can stay over." Reki told him easily. He wasn't sure if he wanted to keep skating but that would probably raise more questions from Langa so he settled on a compromise. "Let's race back to my house, then we can sneak some of the cookies the girls made today and watch some compilations or something."
Langa's eyes lit up at the word race and then even further at the promise of dessert. Reki smiled at his enthusiasm before he shoved his shoulder just enough to throw off his balance. Langa frowned briefly before his face hardened as he realized Reki had used the moment to push off in the direction of his house.
The redhead had the lead until the first corner, he took it with a rail slide against the curb but Langa's was just a tad more well executed and they were right on top of each other through the second turn. Racing on the streets was far more dangerous than S at times, avoiding cars being the biggest obstacle. He was far more careful than Langa was, not wanting to end up in a love hotel again. Reki took his time weaving through the cars and Langa had gained a sizable lead when he noticed a shortcut that he hadn't used in a while. It was an area under construction for the last few months but it looked like they had mostly finished the pavement.
Reki turned off the main road and prayed that the cement wasn't wet as he ollied over the low barrier. His wheels hit with a thud and he thanked the gods for the luck as he pushed through the nearly finished alleyway.
At the end of it was a taller chain fence, one they must've put up as they worked because it blocked off an intersection of back alleys. No big deal, he could probably get enough height to jump it. When he got closer he realized it was past his waistline in height.
"Shit." Reki hissed as he hopped off his board into a jog, scooping up it up before making the attempt to vault it. His free hand landed on the top bar, between the standing metal extending above it as he jumped, bringing his sneaker up to rest next to it before it slipped.
An attempt it was, absolutely not a success. Reki fell over to the other side instead, his board falling with a loud crack on the concrete. His damn sleeve that had been constantly pulled over his palms lately got caught on the sharp twist of metal at the top on the way down.
As cool air hit exposed skin, he started to panic. Gravity and metal had combined forces to tear from his cuff to his elbow. His once complete barrier to the world now fell away from what it was supposed to be protecting. Bright red raised lines burned, stinging in the open air as tears pricked the corners of his eyes.
Reki laid on the ground. Pieces of stray rock digging uncomfortably into his head and his backpack digging into his back as he brought his arm up and into his vision to assess the damage.
A new line had appeared in the opposite direction of the other ones. This one was deeper too, a dangerous line. One he actively avoided making because he didn't actually want to die. It started to seep blood, a lot of blood, dripping onto the torn purple fabric that was meant to hide any remnants of the color red.
"Shit." Reki inhaled sharply and sat up violently, throwing his backpack off his back to the side, careful of staining that too. "Shit shit shit."
He needed to stop the bleeding, and also somehow cover the rest of it. He couldn't take his sweatshirt off because the other arm also needed to stay covered. He had to be quick or Langa would make it to his house first. If Langa got there first, he wouldn't be pleasantly surprised, he'd come looking for Reki who usually won or was a second behind.
Reki took off the now torn purple hoodie, grimacing when the fabric pulled on a scab on the other arm. Now bleeding on both but only badly on one, he tore his t-shirt off before replacing the hoodie as fast as possible. The ripped pieces now staining red as his forearm continued to bleed.
The yellow shirt he had been wearing underneath was damp from sweat. He held part of the fabric between his teeth before ripping it with his hands. It was thinner, easier to make a makeshift bandage out of. He wrapped the strip he had torn off around the most fresh cut, red immediately seeping through yellow.
Where was shock when he needed it?
The tears that were on the edge had started to fall out when he whimpered at the pain of tightening the fabric knot around his arm with his teeth on one side and his free hand on the other. Reki bit down hard on the fabric still in his mouth, as ripping another strip off of it caused his wrist to flex, flaring the pain from just stinging to burning and throbbing.
His poor arm. The same one had been broken before. Broken arms were easily handled when his brain shut off and went into survival mode. This time it kept him lucid enough to stop his own bleeding before the shock kicked in right when the second makeshift bandage was on.
For some reason, that was funny. Reki started to laugh, it sounded manic. He felt as crazy as he sounded. Sitting on the ground in a dark alleyway, too dark to make out the blood he knew was on the ground. It was everywhere. He had the worst timing in the world. That's what he was good at.
Good at being an idiot.
"Reki!"
The next laugh out of his lungs when he heard Langa call his name was wet. Almost choking. Really, the worst timing. How long had he sat there? That was enough time for 'never-pays-attention-Hasegawa-Langa' to realize he wasn't immediately behind him anymore.
Langa's knees skidded across the concrete right into his thighs as the taller boy almost toppled the two of them over in his haste.
"What happened?!"
His usual calm was panicked. Reki looked up and saw blue eyes scanning every inch of him as his hands hovered just above. As if Reki had an aura that was impenetrable by Langa's hands.
He watched the moment Langa saw. Blue eyes widened, his mouth fell open and Reki followed his gaze down to his arm in slow motion.
Yellow was almost completely soaked red now. The two bandages he had tied covered the new wound completely but left glimpses of the old ones, the self made ones. From the base of his palm, down to where the bandages started that reached his elbows. In his idiotic laughter he had forgotten to tie a third one to cover his entire forearm.
That day his shame, his disgust with himself, his secret he had gone so far to hide from Langa was exposed. Open, raw and bleeding like the sunset was into the night above them.
"Reki.."
That day he heard Langa's voice break for the second time.
Reki looked up at him, his hands that were still hovering had started to tremble. His eyes were flickering from old to new. The previously open mouth had closed, but kept parting just barely before closing again. As if the words he wanted to say wouldn't come out.
Reki's own words stayed on his tongue, trapped behind his teeth. He wasn't sure if he wanted to explain, or if he wanted to run, or if he wanted to apologize. His mind had absolutely no answers as shock still had a heavy grip on it. At least he had stopped laughing.
Langa said something, finally. It was in English, with the only word Reki was able to make out was fuck.. of course he couldn't remember anything but curse words from the language he was supposed to have been learning all throughout high school.
Their hands were somehow intertwined when Reki looked back down to avoid seeing the frustration he heard in Langa's voice on his face. He had every right to be mad at him, he deserved it, but it wasn't like he wanted to see it.
His long fingers from his other hand brushed just barely over the wet fabric tied around him. More cursing in English from Langa as all Reki could do was sit there, in his grasp, trying to will his breathing to settle down.
Langa took his hand away and Reki let his arm drop to his lap. It felt so heavy, heavier than it should have been.
"Reki, what happened?"
The hand that left him had found his cheek, warm and soft. Langa tried to lift his face from where his head hung staring at his fresh cut and his bloody arm but he wouldn't let him.
"I-" Reki started but it was hoarse and thick. He cleared his throat as quietly as possible. "Got caught on the fence."
A soft sigh, same as earlier, fell from Langa's lips. The thumb across his cheek bone brushed lightly. If Reki wasn't feeling so devoid of everything at that moment, he was sure his stomach would have been full of butterflies. Yet all he could picture were them dead with their wings ripped off. Yellow stained red.
"I need to take this off to see."
Langa's hand left once again and he tentatively pulled on the awful knots Reki had made. When the fabric fell off it tugged slightly. Good news, as that meant the blood was clotting.
He heard the hiss from between Langa's teeth when the second one fell off. Exposing all of it now, every single mark.
"I don't know if this needs stitches.."
Those warm fingers brushed down the side of the still oozing cut, feather light.
"I thought you passed out at the sight of blood." Reki said under his breath as he watched the red cover the pale fingertips.
"My own." Langa clarified before moving to removing the now red fabric entirely. "And I thought you had bandages in your backpack."
Another laugh escaped his lips. Reki wasn't entirely sure if it was because of Langa's sarcasm or his own stupidity. "Yep."
The sound of his zipper preceded the rustling inside. He should have had a new roll of gauze in there, why had he never thought of that? Bandaging up his self-harm.. that would have been so smart. He could have avoided the burning of fresh air. He could have avoided avoiding affection with Langa. He could have avoided being completely overheated that day.
Although what he couldn't have avoided was lying. Reki couldn't lie to Langa.
The antiseptic wipe stung worse than anything so far. Snapping him out of shock with a yelp of pain. "I'm sorry." Langa said softly before he did it again.
Reki whined and tried to instinctively pull his arm away but Langa grabbed it. Moving it to his lap with a huff. The exhale in frustration from his friend, the agony of getting the new cut cleaned, and his emotions all coming back to him in a wave of shame had the tears that had stopped starting again.
He clenched his jaw and fist to just deal with the pain. Langa had started talking in English again as he worked, Reki didn't like it when he did that. Coming to realize that sometimes Langa just had a hard time translating, he hated it less than he used to but at times like this when everything was sensitive.. he had no idea what Langa's reaction was. Partly because he still couldn't bring himself to look at him, nor could he understand his tone.
The antibiotic cream was cool and Reki let out a breath of relief when Langa applied it. Next step was gauze, amber eyes refocused onto watching the spool of white fabric wind around his damaged skin.
Surprisingly, Langa started at his wrist and wrapped all the way down to his elbow. Effectively covering all of the wounds, new and old. That's when Reki finally looked at him, trying to figure out why he had done that.
He watched Langa take a long blink accompanied by a long pause in the movement of his hands. Tears escaped from his closed eyelids as the breaths he took went from shaky to hardened in the span of an inhale. When blue eyes opened again, they were glossy and soft yet hardened and narrowed. His lips were parted briefly before his mouth set in a line, not quite a frown but close.
It made no sense, the emotion on his face. Reki had no idea what to make of it. His best guess was anger, but when blue met amber they softened even more and then he was really confused. Pity? Sadness?
"I'm sorry-" He started, apologizing but wasn't sure what for. Being a burden, not properly taking care of himself, showing what a true mess he was, having to rely on Langa, making him cry. There were so many things he felt guilty about.
A soft finger pressed against his lips before he could explain any of it. Langa shushed him. Reki was so shocked that he stayed silent, just blinking at the boy in front of him.
"We'll talk about this later but don't apologize."
Langa stood up and shook out his feet in a familiar motion. Reki knew he struggled kneeling for a long time, not used to it yet in Japanese customs. He let his calves wake up before he crouched to gather all the bloody materials off Reki's lap and the ones that had fallen to the ground. Finding an appropriate garbage can in the alley surrounding them before he packed up Reki's backpack.
All the while the redhead cradled his now wrapped arm on his lap. Two layers of gauze, stark white with no red as he watched Langa. Sometimes graceful and sometimes clumsy but always beautiful. Reki looked back down at his scuffed jeans and torn hoodie with a sigh.
An audible one but Langa ignored it. Slinging his backpack over his shoulder before extending a hand down for Reki to take. Which he did with his 'good' arm before he stood up, trying not to rely on the assistance but his legs were shakier than he expected them to be and he definitely needed it.
"Can you skate home? Or do you want to walk?" Langa asked as he walked to where he dropped his board after Reki steadied himself.
He glanced at his own board laying graphic side up near that stupid fence. "I'll skate."
So they did. Slowly and much more carefully. Making the two blocks from the scene to the stone wall in front of Reki's house in silence. Just the sound of the wheels and the wind.
It was a long enough time for the spiral of self-hatred and doubt to start but also short enough for the realization Reki hadn't been sitting there for very much time at all. Maybe a minute or two, he figured. Langa had noticed he was alone quickly. Reki didn't know what to do with that information.
The lights in his house were still on even if the sky was now dark, signaling that most of the house was probably still up. Reki already had Langa's attention when he turned to grab it so he signaled to the back of the house. The taller boy took the cue and led the way to the walkway behind where the ramp up to his window was.
Climbing up the slope of the wood with the grace that would have been nice to have earlier, Reki slid open his window for them to climb through. His blue sneaker hit his desk as he hopped into his room in a familiar movement.
He could hear the sounds of his family outside of his closed door, he didn't want to see them right then. Plus they'd probably assume Reki would be out until well after sunset, so they shouldn't come in at all. His room was safe.
Langa entered with less grace, almost knocking his chair down when he slipped. Another curse in English as he seemed to understand they were definitely sneaking in. Not much different than what they normally did, the only change being the whole house was still awake.
The taller boy set his board down next to Reki's before sitting down on his unmade bed. Another question was brewing in his throat, Reki could tell but he pointedly turned away and walked to his closet. Grabbing a long sleeve shirt from way out of the back and changing into it, he made sure to keep his other arm in front of him.
A loud running squeal passed his room, which was Nanaka he knew instantly, but the noise still made Reki jump. He turned around to see Langa looking startled at first before frowning, deep and pulling his whole face down in the miserable look.
"What?" Reki whispered just loud enough he could be heard by the boy on his bed but not the other side of the thin door.
Langa crossed his arms with a roll of his eyes before a twitch of a smirk showed on the corner of his mouth. "Cookies."
Really.
Reki gave him a blank look before he couldn't help the smile playing on his lips. It was tiny and not the usual grin he'd give when playfully exasperated by Langa's never ending hunger. Yet he knew there was no way that much misery painted on his face was about not getting cookies until later. He was trying to make Reki smile.
He wanted nothing more than to uncross those arms and bury his burning face into Langa's collarbone at the sweet gesture. He was inconsiderate most of the time, but there was a nicer side of Langa. It was a quiet brand of kindness, full of unexpectedly thoughtful gestures. Like opening a water bottle without being asked, never watching a show they started together without him or wrapping bandages around something that wasn't bleeding and trying to make him smile after he was just crying.
Reki loved him so much it hurt.
The cuts now hidden safely again in a non-ripped sleeve hurt less than that. Reki pulled the sleeves over his palms, ever thankful for his love of baggy clothing, before he turned to slide the closet door shut as softly as possible.
When he turned back around, he had to blink twice to make sure what he was seeing in front of him was real life. That he hadn't just died in a nightmare of shame in that alleyway.
Langa held his arms out and opened where he sat on the edge of Reki's bed. A tilt to his head in question or request caused his soft hair to fall over his face. Reki wanted to brush it back, return the gesture, tuck it behind Langa's ear and run his fingertips all over the handsome boy's face.
"Reki, come here."
The command was soft, despite how certain Langa looked. The invitation to be held by him was there, yet Reki was hesitant. He didn't want to be pitied, he hadn't meant for Langa to see. He hadn't meant to get hurt.. Langa never offered to hold him before. Even when the injuries were worse.
What if seeing the lines changed his opinion? What if the one person in his life that viewed him as an equal in most things started to view him as lesser?
Well he was lesser but Langa didn't need to think that. He'd never be good enough then..
"Reki." Langa said in a stern whisper this time as the soft look on his face started to fade back into misery. "Please." He gestured with a shake of his arms.
Reki swallowed hard as he stopped himself from just rushing into the safety of the offered embrace. "Are you sure? You're not just doing this because you..saw?"
The frown came back in full force at his question. Langa shook his head adamantly and kept his arms out. "No I'm not. Now come here, my arms are getting tired."
"Good thing you don't need upper body strength.." Reki said under his breath with a laugh of disbelief. He took two cautious steps to cross the room. "I'm not..weak." He whispered in a broken voice when he reached Langa's knees.
"I don't think you are. I know you're not." Langa put one hand on his waist, sending a flare of something through Reki straight into his heart. This was a touch he'd never gotten before. The other long arm came up to cup his jaw as his face softened once more.
Reki couldn't help the shaky inhale at the gentle brush of his thumb. The first time he had felt too numb to really feel it. This time he felt the small gesture everywhere, completely different than a tackle hug. This was uncharted affection territory and he was scared.
Scared but absolutely enthralled.
Amber never left blue. Their gazes locked onto each other, both searching for something that wasn't exactly clear. Reki might have been looking for the truth or an explanation, he had no idea what Langa was looking for. A soft whisper he could barely hear clarified. "I want to know why.. will you tell me?"
"I don't want to." Reki said immediately, much more sharply than he meant to. It made Langa flinch back, well maybe the scream from the main room followed by loud laughter caused it too. They both glanced at the door before meeting back.
"Can we talk later?" Langa asked with another brush of his thumb across freckled cheeks, causing a shiver from Reki.
He nodded and at the confirmation Langa stood in the small space between them. The hand on his hip wrapped around his lower back and the one on his cheek slid into his hair as Langa pulled him against his chest.
A foreign hug that felt like home at the same time.
Reki melted into it, moving both of his arms around Langa's stomach to return the embrace. Not where he usually grabbed him but on that day it was offered and he took it.
Like the selfish person he was.
He buried his face right into Langa's neck, hiding the burning blush on his nose and hiding the moisture threatening to spill from his eyes. Reki gripped the white shirt under his hands, fists against Langa's spine.
"I have an idea." Langa whispered softly against his ear as the hand that was in his hair gently rubbed his scalp.
Reki didn't trust his voice so he nosed into the soft, slightly damp skin under his face with a soft exhale. Langa shivered, probably not meaning to as he laughed through his nose before he spoke just as softly. "Lay down with me. We can watch videos until your family goes to sleep. How's that sound?"
"Sure." Reki croaked out. Not wanting to talk about any of that day but now actual cuddling was being offered he considered it. He would be lying if he said he hadn't dreamed of cuddling his best friend in bed.
Langa let him go and Reki reluctantly did the same. He blinked up trying to clear the moisture from his eyes when both of Langa's soft warm hands found his cheeks. This time brushing across where he was sure his emotions were spilling down.
Another indescribable look washed over his face right before he switched their positions. Gently redirecting Reki to his usual side of the bed with a light push to his lower back. The redhead took the spot against the wall, leaving Langa plenty of room on his small bed to do with what he liked. Reki laid on his side and watched him climb into the space.
What he liked was apparently laying on the other pillow with a huff of frustration before his hand found Reki's waist once more and pulled with his fingertips.
"Why are you so far away.." Langa said with a frown before switching to English for the millionth time that day.
"I don't know what you're saying." Reki whined but also scooted himself off the wall and a little closer. It wasn't enough as Langa kept talking and pulling him closer until they were fully flush together. Foreheads pressing against each other while he could feel the foreign language on his face.
"Langa." Reki complained in a whisper.
"How about this?" Langa brushed their noses together in another unfamiliar gesture that lit his nerves and face on fire. "You tell me why later and I'll tell you what I've said."
He really didn't want to tell Langa why. Reki didn't really have a good explanation.
It felt good would make him sound certifiably insane.
Sometimes I get really sad and I just do it would make the pitying look come back.
I really love you and I don't think I'm good enough so I hurt myself to make myself less desirable as an excuse to never tell you how I feel was far too honest and self-aware.
Plus then Langa might think it was his fault, which wasn't the case. The case was..Reki really didn't know why he did it. Just that he did. It helped? Kind of..
"That's not fair." He said with an exhale between them.
Langa replied in English before he pulled back with a smile. Reki furrowed his eyebrows, a new found determination to pay more attention in English next semester flared inside of him. Or maybe he'd learn an entirely new language to speak in and make Langa feel the way he did when he couldn't understand. Well maybe he already felt that way when Reki talked too fast.
"How are we supposed to watch videos like this?" Reki asked as Langa's hand on his waist moved to his back where it rubbed in soft circles between his shoulders. It felt indescribably good but he was genuinely curious as to why.
"I just want to hold you, is that okay? We can switch how we are laying." His next whisperers were rushed as if Reki was going to pull away the second it became clear the videos weren't the main focus of the idea.
"It's okay."
More than. It was safe in Langa's arms, just as he thought it would be. He wanted to return the embrace but he was laying on the non bandaged arm and he didn't want to put pressure on the wound by draping it over Langa's stomach. Or gross him out. Instead Reki's hand between them was the only bit of separation they had.
Langa must've wanted to keep good on the original proposal because he ceased his touching and rolled over onto his back quickly. Scooting up to rest his back on the tiny headboard which probably dug into his spine, it did when Reki sat like that. He waited patiently for Langa to decide what he was attempting to do, just watching the thoughts pass over his face.
When he finally got situated he looked down at Reki with a soft smile. One he'd only seen on very rare occasions, as usually it was accompanied by a blush and a turn of his head. Langa opened the arm closest to where Reki laid beneath it.
"Lay on my chest and I can hold my phone for us."
This time Reki was a lot less hesitant. He slid right up and rested his cheek right on the offered pillow. He could hear Langa's heartbeat, and that was more comforting than he thought it would be. Langa grabbed his hand that was awkwardly resting on his waist and draped the injured arm over his skinny stomach. Reki let him, with little resistance and he fidgeted with his shirt under his fingertips while Langa brought up a video they'd both seen a hundred times.
He didn't complain, it was one of their favorites. One that Reki always smiled at, no matter how many times he'd seen it. Another unexpectedly kind gesture from the boy he loved. Who he was completely wrapped around, in his bed. Just like his dreams but it was real that day.
His mind started to wander as exhaustion started to hit him. Reki was wondering why he felt so guilty and so comfortable at the same time. It was all he ever wanted, well not all but close. To have this affection with Langa but at what cost.
Did he really believe Reki was strong?
Did he really not offer this because he was pitying him?
Reki would pity someone covered in bandages too. Just like he babied Langa sometimes when an injury from skating was particularly nasty. Never enough to make the other feel weak, but just enough to show he cared.
Was this Langa just showing he cared?
Cared in what way?
In a my best friend clearly needs a hug way or an I love this person so much it physically hurts me when I see them hurt way.
Reki knew what his caring had evolved into by the time of Langa's final race with Adam. What had Langa's become?
Several videos later and his house gradually quieted down around them. Reki reached over and swiped down Langa's notification bar to check the time. Late, not late enough that everyone would be sleeping but around their usual time they got back.
"Another hour, yeah?" Langa asked with a slight reposition of his hips. He must be uncomfortable leaning up with weight against him.
Reki sat up and matched his position on the headboard. Yep, that definitely was uncomfortable. He looked over at Langa who had a slight pout to his eyes. "Why'd you get up?"
"I'm gonna go steal cookies for you." Reki told a half truth, guilt threatening to choke his words.
Blue widened only slightly but Reki saw the sparkle there anyway. He smiled softly and crawled over the top of Langa to reach the floor.
Sliding his door carefully he stepped out into the dark hallway and made his way into the kitchen. He grabbed the plate with the note on top that had 'For Hasegawa not big brother!!!!' written in scribbles on top of it. The kanji for Hasegawa was surrounded with hearts.
Reki stuck the note in his pocket with a crumple, Langa didn't need to know about the fact almost everyone in the Kyan household had a crush on him.
When he made it back into his room Langa had turned the lamp on his desk on. It lit up just the area around it but the taller boy had moved to the end of the bed where the light was. Reki sat the plate down on the desk before he handed him two cookies. Langa took them but also took his injured wrist with a light grip.
"Can I check to make sure the bleeding stopped?" Langa looked up through blue eyelashes, completely ignoring the sweets in his other hand. Unfamiliar.
He nodded and put the cookie he held for himself in his mouth before he pulled up the sleeve of his shirt to his elbow. They were covered, he didn't have to look at them so it was easy to do.
Still stark white, and Reki let out a breath of relief through his nose. He was really lucky it wasn't any deeper. In contrast Langa took a sharp inhale, as if the not bleeding was bad news for him. Reki swallowed the dessert before he asked.
"No, I'm not glad it's still bleeding.." Langa said, frustration sneaking through the soft whisper. "I'm upset to see you hurt."
"This is like the third time Langa.." Reki reminded, removing his hand from Langa's grip and shaking his sleeve down over the bandages. "I had my arm wrapped when we first met, and after the first race with Adam when it was broken. Then I got hurt just as bad the second-"
"Don't-" Langa interrupted while his head dropped. "I already feel so bad.."
"Why?" He asked quieter than he meant to.
"I don't want to talk about Adam." Blue eyes found him once more and they were begging. "I know why he hurt you..now." The 'now' was said so far under Langa's breath that Reki wouldn't have heard it if the boy didn't have his entire attention in a near silent room. "What I don't know is why you're hurting yourself.. that's what the other cuts were right?"
Reki swallowed, feeling like maybe not every crumb from the cookie hadn't gone down. Except it felt like the crumbs were shards of glass tearing down his throat as the words were stuck behind them. He couldn't lie to Langa but he also couldn't speak. So he nodded.
"Why?" Langa asked again and for the third time since knowing him his voice broke.
"I-" Reki would try to answer. If only to not hear the plea in his voice ever again. "I um.."
The words got even further stuck as blue eyes started to water. Just pinpricks of moisture at the corners as his eyebrows furrowed while he pierced Reki in place with those striking blue eyes.
He managed to get out an inhale and a long exhale that freed the trapped speech. "I don't really know."
"Just one or both?" Langa asked, determined now to get answers now that one had been provided to him.
Reki let his gaze fall to his feet. "..both."
Another sharp inhale from the boy sitting across from him and he saw Langa's movement in his downward vision. Both of his hands were empty but not for long as they took Reki's gently.
"I hate that you did that." Langa's tone was raw with honesty. "But I'm not mad at you." He tugged gently but Reki wasn't sure what Langa wanted from him so he looked back up. Softness greeted him in direct contrast to how firm his words were. "I'm a little mad at you, but not for the reason you're probably thinking."
"What am I thinking?" Reki didn't even know, he just knew he felt an all consuming guilt and shame. It was hard to look into Langa's eyes and be confronted with a secret he had been trying to keep.
He seemed to consider the question a little more heavily before he tugged again. "That I'm mad at you because you did something stupid. You feel ashamed and guilty about keeping it a secret."
How can someone who literally has to be reminded to wear socks with his shoes half the time read his mind so perfectly?
"I'm not mad that you hurt yourself, I really wish you hadn't, but I understand." The next tug Langa gave pulled him right into his now separated knees. Reki stood in his lap while he continued. "I understand because I've been there but what I don't understand is why. How can I fix it if I don't know why? I'm mad because you don't know. That's not fair to you."
"It's more fair than you speaking in English all the time.." Reki had no idea what to say so he resorted to a cheap jab. He pulled away from Langa's lap to lean back against his desk, feeling very exposed and confused.
Langa's piercing eyes narrowed as he let his hands fall into his now empty lap. "You want to know what I said that badly?"
"Not really." Reki admitted, running a hand through his hair. He pulled off his headband and threw it over his shoulder. "I just don't know what to say.. I don't know how to give you a fix. If I had a fix I could have used it already."
Langa sighed from deep within his chest. It was full of exasperation as he scooted back to the back wall of the bed. He patted the space next to him and Reki took it. Cautiously and carefully as if moving wrong would make Langa even more upset. He took the injured arm into his lap and lightly touched where the big cut was. Far too light for Reki to actually feel it but he did feel the weight of Langa's head on his shoulder.
"What I said when I first found you was-" Langa continued tracing over his sleeve like the fabric was paper and he was drawing out all the lines he had seen. "What the fuck happened? The second was how the fuck were you bleeding so badly, which quickly turned into why the fuck are there more cuts."
Reki took a deep shuddering breath right as Langa lifted his head from his shoulder. "You curse a lot in English.."
Langa ignored his commentary and turned his face to look at him with two fingers on the side of his jaw. The intensity in those blue eyes was far too unnecessary for an honest conversation Reki didn't want to be having.
"When I was wrapping up your arm.. I was wondering to myself why the man I loved would hurt himself in such a way. Why would he want to cause pain like that? Was it the same pain I was feeling all those years ago of self-hatred and not wanting to live anymore?"
Reki's lips parted at the first admission but the second admission had his mouth dropping open. There was a moment when Langa had hated himself? Did he still hate himself? Did he still want to die? Those questions ripped his stomach right out of the flip it had been doing, dropping it hard into a void of agony as his next words were extremely relatable.
"It hurts, Reki. To see you hurt like that, no matter the cause but it hurts even worse when I love you so much and there's nothing I can do to fix it.." Langa frowned much more softly than he had before. As if he was in pain just from looking into Reki's eyes.
Were they really just that similar? Deep down? That's how he knew.. he knew exactly because he had gone through it. Going through it.. kind of. Langa loved him back and it was painful for him too.
"Langa I -'' Reki tried to get the words out but that soft finger on his jaw left and shushed him again.
"I also understand if you don't feel the same way but you need to know that you're perfect to me. Always have been. You're strong, patient, talented, beautiful and far far too hard on yourself sometimes. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."
"But-" He tried to talk around the finger on his lips but Langa's full hand now covered his mouth and his eyes widened.
"No, I don't want to hear the denial right now. You're amazing Reki." Langa turned, sitting up on his knees to hold his mouth shut and also press a soft kiss to his forehead. Those previously deceased butterflies rose in reanimation to explode in his stomach.
"You're still my best friend at the end of the day and I care about you so much. I just really wish there was something I could do. So I need you to be honest with me okay? Tell me so I can help. If I can't fix it I can at least try to help."
Reki wanted to point out he couldn't tell him anything when his mouth was covered but it was still covered even as his cheeks turned as red as his hair that Langa had just kissed.
Why did it have to be that day that Langa decided to confess?
Why wouldn't he let him answer with his own confession?
"The last thing I said in English was I love you. Which is the truth, I know you're probably thinking I'm just saying it because of what I saw but I'm not. Before that, every day since we met. You're still that amazing person I fell for with or without bandages. Although I prefer without, but that's just selfish."
Langa's grip on Reki's face slackened when his shoulders and his eyes fell at the last bit of his speech. Reki let his hand stay for a few moments, really digesting everything Langa had said.
When he was ready he pulled the hand off his mouth gently. It fell in between them with a soft thud onto Langa's thighs where he was looking down. Reki put two fingers on the bottom of his chin, returning the gesture to lift his fallen head gently. Bringing blue back to his face where it belonged for the next thing he was going to say.
"I love you too." He said with a soft smile. "I don't know why you wouldn't let me say it back.."
"I-" Langa sputtered, his eyes flying off focus to either sides of the room as his own blush grew wide and pink. Dusting his beautifully pale skin as he kept stammering in Japanese before he switched to English again.
"Translate it?" Reki asked softly, bringing his palm up to Langa's warm cheek. He wanted to feel if it was as soft as it looked.
Blue eyes fluttered closed when Reki's thumb brushed across the blush. Langa melted right into his hand. "I love you, I love you."
"I love you.." Reki parroted the foreign sounds that he had definitely heard before. "How many times have you told me?"
"All the time." Langa admitted as the adorable blush spread even further.
This was far too good to be true. Reki's heart was held back by a string of apprehension. "Even covered in scars?"
"You already were." Blue finally met amber. The certainty never left even if Langa had been avoiding direct eye contact. "From skating, these are no different, they are a part of you. I love all of you."
"I love all of you too. You're perfect to me too."
The string snapped as well as Reki's self control. He leaned forward to bring their lips together. It was a mess of a first kiss. All teeth and awkward placing but it made his heart explode out his chest anyway.
A couple more light pecks and they figured out how to slot their mouths together perfectly. A perfect match, a perfect balance.
That day all the secrets came out.
"Langa." Reki whispered his name against his lips before he pulled back. Blue eyes fluttered open in disbelief or something close to it. "Do you still want to die?"
"No." Langa shook his head softly but the conviction was there in his voice. "You helped me find happiness even if you didn't know it."
Reki moved his hand into Langa's hair, brushing the long strands behind his ear. "I did?"
"You did. Not a fix but you helped, a lot. I'll do the same for you." Langa sealed his declaration with a soft kiss.
That day he discovered how incredible kissing your best friend felt. That day he realized how comfortable and safe he felt in Langa's arms. That day, that originally felt like a nightmare he couldn't escape from, turned into a dream he never wanted to wake up from.
Langa loved him, in his entirety. There was no doubt with how sincerely he was told. The promise of infinity seemed all the more sweet with the taste of unconditional love on his lips.