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“You liberals want men to marry men, women to marry women, those undecided lunatics—”
“Nonbinary. They're called nonbinary people, Stephen. We've been over this.”
“And they're neither men nor women?”
“That would be correct.”
“Like I said! Lunatics! We're at war, pick a side! This is that “bisexuality” fiasco all over again. I'm onto your tricks, liberals!”
The older man smirked at this. “And what do you make of asexuals, then? If bisexuals are on both sides…”
“Neutrals,” Stephen muttered, gripping his desk furiously. “If this were the War on Drugs, they would be in the corner, talking about how both sides are bad, and shouldn't we stay out of the personal business between drugs and Americans?”
“Not a real war, Stephen.”
Stephen rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair, sighing. “Jon, Jon. You really don't know anything about how the world works, do you?”
“I suppose I don't,” Jon replied, wondering why he let himself get roped into this.
“I accept your apology! Now, as I was trying to say… You liberals will let the gays get married, but you won't accept a perfectly good marriage between me...”
“Stephen…”
“And my darling lover…”
“Don't tell me…”
“Sweetness,” Stephen finished, pulling the love of his life (a simple handgun) out from under his chair. “I just don't understand! She's a woman, I'm a man. Leave it to liberals to be hypocrites.”
Jon sighed, but opted to play along. Not like he had much of a choice; he was in too deep.
“Okay. Let's go over this. Maybe there's another reason why you can't marry Sweetness?”
“Other than you gun control obsessed—”
“Stephen, you're already married!”
Stephen paused. It seemed like he had… Well, not forgotten. He was in a happy, stable relationship, Lorianne just… Had to go on vacation! For a few weeks! While taking the kids, and bringing them over to his house every weekend, and roping him into those boring legal meetings with some lawyer… The point is that she loved him very much, and no amount of “legal separation” would change that. And they were still married. Which is why he never told Jon.
He cleared his throat.
“Well… Don't you liberals support polyamory, anyway?”
“You would have to clear things with your wife. You can't just go off and marry every gun—”
“She's a lady, Jon.”
“You can't just go and marry every lady that you come across. That would be cheating.”
“… Aren't cheating and polyamory the same thing?”
Jon groaned. “No, Stephen. They aren't.”
“Oh,” Stephen replied, putting Sweetness back in his desk (but not before kissing her! He was a gentleman, after all.). “I… Suppose that I'll call Lorianne, and…”
“You do that, Stephen,” Jon sighed. “You do that.”