Work Text:
Once was enough
Realized everything turns to dust
Everything to dust
Carina gripped the champagne flute as she looked down at the bubbly liquid. She was thrilled about the new women’s clinic opening, but for some reason, she felt she couldn’t entirely celebrate. Deep down, she knew the cause but didn’t want to confront it. Carina swallowed hard and set down her untouched glass. Jo shot her a questioning look as Carina offered her a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
I lied in your words
When you said everyone has to
Everybody goes
Jo mouthed a ‘you okay?’ and Carina shook her head but didn’t elaborate further. She didn’t want to take this moment of joy from Dr. Bailey, not after all of her hard work. Dr. Bailey dismissed them, telling them to go home and rest.
Home.
A word that used to fill Carina with so much excitement but filled her with dread lately because she didn’t quite know what that word meant anymore. If you had asked her a year ago, she would’ve instantly beamed at the phrase, thoughts of her wife filling her head. Now, Carina wasn’t quite sure if Maya was her home anymore.
When the night is falling, I can barely look in your eyes
I wanna say a thousand things that I could never describe
Carina bid goodbye to her two coworkers as she climbed into her Porche. She locked the doors and took a deep breath, resting her head against the backseat. Her slender finger hovered over ‘Bambina’ before Carina clicked on it to open the text thread.
Of course, there was no response on Maya’s end from Carina’s previous texts. The Italian clicked the text box as she stared at the blinking cursor. She had so many things she wanted to tell her wife, but she couldn’t find the words.
I wanted everything to never end
Can we start again and leave a light on
Leave a light on
Biting her lip, she shook her head and closed out of the text thread without typing anything. She so desperately wished they could start over and return to when things were simpler.
When Maya was happy.
When they were happy.
I waited every day, you never came
To set it straight, I’ll leave a light on (leave a light on)
Leave a light on
Against her better judgment, Carina opened up Maya’s contact and dialed her number. The sliver of hope that Maya would somehow answer this time was squashed as she heard, ‘You got Maya Bishop, leave it at the beep.’ Carina wasn’t sure why she was expecting a different outcome, as Maya’s calls had been going straight to voicemail the whole day. The Italian thinks that the voicemail is the most she has heard from her wife in days.
They rarely talked, and each passing day of radio silence shattered Carina’s heart even more.
Her face in a crowd
Faded now but I can’t figure out
I can’t figure out
Carina shook her head as she locked her phone, placed it in the cup holder, and started her car. She doubted Maya would be home, but she would give anything just to forget the past few months and cuddle her wife. She knew May was struggling, but she didn’t know how else to help her if the blonde wouldn’t accept anything.
Alone with the smell
Of your hands, never was enough
Never was enough
As Carina peeled out of the parking lot of Grey-Sloan, she glanced over at the Station 19 sweatshirt that Maya had left in her car the last time they went grocery shopping.
That felt like a lifetime ago.
At a red light, Carina reached over for the hoodie and brought it up to her face. She inhaled the scent of Maya’s woodland body wash as she wished that Maya, her Maya were here with her instead.
When the night is falling I can barely look in your eyes
I wanna say a thousand things that I could never describe
Carina knew they had a lot to talk about, but she desperately wanted to not think about that for a moment and just see Maya. She needed to get lost in her favorite pair of ocean-blue eyes, eyes that used to be so full of love whenever they looked at her.
Now, they seemed dull and empty.
I wanted everything to never end
Can we start again and leave a light on
Leave a light on
I waited every day, you never came
To set it straight, I’ll leave a light on (leave a light on)
Leave a light on
Pulling into the parking lot of their apartment, Carina killed the engine and grabbed the hoodie and her purse as she locked up her car and headed to the elevator. She gripped the sweatshirt tightly as she rode up in silence.
Carina had an irrational moment of hope as she unlocked their apartment door. What if Maya was on the other side? Carina realized that Maya should be home because her wife hadn’t returned to their apartment in a while. The firefighter shouldn’t have been working because she had been gone for almost 48 hours already, and no way working that much would be allowed.
Usually, Carina would be more worried, but given that her wife had been electing to sleep at the station these past few days, Carina figured the blonde was just avoiding her.
As the lock clicked and the door swung open, Carina was met with a familiar darkness, and the little glimmer of hope in her heart flickered out.
Every time I look in your eyes
I know that you’re the only one I can call
Do you realize that for me
You never really went at all?
The doctor stepped inside the empty apartment and shut the door behind her. She flicked on the lights and hung her purse and coat on the hook near the door. As Carina kicked off her boots, she looked down and saw a pair of Maya’s black trainers and felt a wave of sadness overcome her.
Carina looked around the empty apartment at all of Maya’s things that littered the space.
The blonde’s running shoes, her pictures on the mantle, the treadmill and weights in the corner, her blender with her gross protein powder…
Everywhere Carina looked, there were reminders of her wife. It baffled her that Maya was all around the apartment without being there at all.
The silence of their shared living space engulfed the Italian. She looked down at the sweatshirt she was still clutching and suddenly had the urge to throw it across the room.
As she went to throw it, she realized that she couldn’t do it.
Maya was all she had left.
Her papa was as good as gone, no nonna, no Andrea.
She was all alone.
Except she had Maya.
Whether Maya still wanted her or not, Carina knew in her heart that she was still madly in love with her blonde firefighter.
I wanted everything to never end
Can we start again and leave a light on
Leave a light on
I waited every day, you never came
To set it straight, I’ll leave a light on (leave a light on)
Carina swallowed, clutching Maya’s sweatshirt to her chest as she glanced at the front door as if the blonde would mysteriously appear there. With a heavy sigh, Carina flicked the light switch in the living room off.
The tears flowed down her cheeks, the wet shine illuminated by the single lamp in the living room, as she squeezed her eyes shut with a shuddering breath. The bedroom door closed behind her with a defining click.
Light on…