Chapter Text
TK hurt everywhere. Thankfully, his ass had gone numb, but his back, neck, and shoulders ached from the hard plastic chair he'd been sitting in for days. He could have solved all of this by getting up and moving around. He could even get some water to quell his pounding headache. But he stayed put. It didn’t seem fair to get up, not when Carlos was lying in a hospital bed, his life hanging in the balance.
Even if TK didn’t feel guilty about his ability to move freely, he wouldn’t get up. Every rise and fall of his chest, assisted by the respirator attached to the tube down his throat, and every beep of the heart monitor was another moment Carlos was alive. TK wasn’t sure how many moments they had left, so he was going to be there for every single one.
It was a freak accident. A suspect Carlos had been chasing down the highway suddenly cut the wheel, causing a tractor trailer to swerve and tip over. Officer Lexi Mitchell, Carlos’s partner, who had miraculously walked away with some bruises and two broken ribs, said it all happened in seconds. Carlos had slammed on the brakes and tried to avoid the crash, but his car flipped over several times before it slammed into the side of the truck. The impact had been on the driver’s side.
The worst part was that Carlos wasn’t even supposed to be working that day. Lexi told him Carlos had been picking up extra shifts to save for the wedding. When the call came into the station, TK knew it couldn’t be Carlos, because he was home, resting on his day off.
The 126 was the first on the scene, and when an officer standing next to the wrecked police cruiser spotted TK rushing toward the wreckage with Tommy and Nancy, he threw his hands in the air, waving them frantically trying to stop TK from approaching any further. Unfortunately, the paramedics thought he was signaling for them to come to him first, and they sped up, TK already unzipping his backpack as he ran.
TK had kneeled next to the wrecked police cruiser to take out the supplies, not even noting the officers in the SUV. He looked up when Nancy and Tommy both gasped, catching sight of Carlos’s bloodied face resting against the steering wheel. Then somebody’s arms slipped under his armpits from behind. As they pulled him away, TK kicked and thrashed, screaming, “Carlos!”
He was passed off to his father, who tried to subdue him, but TK continued to yell, struggling to break free from Owen’s bear hug. “Judd, you’re in charge!” Owen shouted. Then he dragged TK toward the grass on the side of the highway.
“No!” TK yelled. “I have to help them, dad! It’s Carlos! I have to save him!”
“TK,” Owen grunted, his voice strained from the effort of keeping TK from getting loose. “You can’t help him. You can’t be his paramedic. If you go there, you’ll be a distraction to everyone trying to save Carlos’s life.”
Owen continued on, and eventually, his words got through. As TK stopped struggling, Owen lowered him to the ground under a tree. “Can I trust you to sit here for a minute while I find out what’s going on?”
TK nodded and pulled his knees to his chest, crossing his arms over them. He rested his head face down on his arms and saw nothing but Carlos’s bloodied face in the middle of a black abyss. He desperately tried to conjure up any other image of his love’s face, but nothing would take away the horrific sight. Was that the image of his fiancée that would be seared into his head for the rest of his life?
He’s dead, he thought. Nothing good in my life ever sticks around. What was that line from The Outsiders? Nothing gold can ever stay? Or wait, didn’t Carlos tell me that the line was originally from a Robert Frost poem? I’ll have to ask him. TK huffed a sardonic laugh, pretty sure that he was losing his mind. If Owen didn’t get back soon, he would have to take TK away in a straightjacket.
“TK,” his father’s voice said. Owen squatted down and rested his hands next to TK’s head. “Son, are you with me?”
TK lifted his head and then quickly closed his eyes again when the bright sun hit them. He tried again, squinting until Owen’s face came into focus. The pain in his father’s eyes spoke volumes. “Don’t tell me, dad,” TK croaked. “I don’t want to know yet. I need to believe he’s alive a little longer.”
“He is alive,” Owen assured him. “Nancy and Tommy are trying to stabilize him in the car while the rest of the crew works on getting him out. They’re almost there. As soon as they have him out and get him stable, they’ll take him to the hospital.”
TK wanted to tell his dad that he knew all that. It was what they did every day. He needed to know about Carlos. “Is he conscious? Does he know I’m here? Is he in a lot of pain? Please tell them to make sure he’s not in any pain,” TK sobbed.
Owen was trying desperately to keep it together, but TK saw the tears streaking his father’s cheeks. “He isn’t conscious, but he’s breathing. They’re working on getting him on fluids to keep his blood pressure up. He’s got a pretty nasty laceration on his head, and one of his legs looks broken, but they haven’t been able to assess it yet.”
“Has anyone told his parents yet?” TK asked.
“I’m sure somebody’s contacted Gabriel.”
TK reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone with shaky hands. “I should call them, just in case.”
“TK…” Owen reached to take the phone out of TK’s hand.
“No, dad!” TK yelled, snatching his arm back. “It’s my responsibility.”
“At least call Gabriel first. The last thing we need is Andrea coming to the scene.”
TK tried to find the number, but his hands were shaking too hard. Owen sat down next to TK and took the phone from TK’s hands. When he found the number and started the call, he handed the phone back to TK. His future father-in-law picked up on the second ring. “TK?” he answered. “I’m on my way to the scene!”
“No, don’t come here,” TK told him, his voice shaking as much as his hands. “He’s going to be on the way to the hospital by the time you get here. Go get Andrea, and I’ll call you when I know what hospital they’re taking him to.”
“What do you mean here? You’re at the scene? TK, what’s going on?”
“He’s alive,” TK said. He heard an ambulance door slamming and looked at his dad.
Owen turned his head toward the radio on his left shoulder. “Tommy, is that you leaving?”
“Yes, Captain Strand,” Tommy’s voice rang out. “He’s stable enough for transport. We’re headed to Austin Memorial.”
“TK?”
TK looked down and was surprised to see the phone still in his hand. “Yeah, they’re uh, he’s going to Austin Memorial. Go get Andrea.”
Gabriel hesitated, and Owen took the phone again. “Gabriel, where are you?”
“Much closer to the hospital than I am to the ranch.”
“Come get TK,” Owen said. “I’m pulling my crew out — this is much too personal for all of us. As soon as TK is with you, I’ll get Andrea and bring her to the hospital.”
Four days and two surgeries later, they still didn’t know if Carlos would make it. He was stable, but there were too many unknowns. Carlos’s first surgery, a repair of his ruptured spleen, had already been underway when TK and Gabriel arrived at the hospital. His second came the next day, the first of what could be several procedures to repair the complex fracture of his leg.
He’d also broken several ribs, one of which had perforated his lung. There was a tube placed in his chest to drain air from his lungs and allow the injury to heal. The most worrisome of all was a brain bleed from his head injury. They wouldn’t know what the effects of the blow to his head would be until Carlos woke up.
In a strange twist of fate, the doctor in charge of Carlos’s case was Dr. Reddy, the same doctor who had taken care of TK when he was in the ICU. The day before, she sat down with TK, Andrea, and Gabriel to talk about Carlos’s condition. “He’s in a coma,” Dr. Reddy said, to which TK had wanted to reply, “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“We can’t be sure whether it’s an anesthesia-induced coma, from the trauma to his head, or a bit of both. There’s nothing else we can do but wait.”
“What about his other leg surgery?” TK asked.
“His leg is stable as it is right now, so we have a little time before the second surgery is necessary. If the coma is anesthesia-induced, I’d rather him not go under again unless we have to.”
“What does this mean for Carlos?” Andrea asked.
“I honestly don’t know,” the doctor said. “There’s no way to tell how the head trauma has affected him until he wakes up.”
TK swallowed hard. He’d known this was coming but hadn’t wanted to face the reality yet. “What if there’s damage? Will he…?” His voice broke before he could finish the question.
Dr. Reddy reached out and placed her hand on TK’s knee. “It’s best you prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario, even while hoping for the best. It’s possible he’ll remain in a coma. If he wakes up, there’s a wide range of scenarios, anywhere from a full recovery, to some minor issues with brain function that will get better over time, and to Carlos needing around the clock care. He’s young and healthy, and all his organ functions are good, so that gives me a lot of hope. I know this is overwhelming, and I’m sorry I can’t give you more information right now.”
Gabriel stood up then and walked out of the room, while Andrea put her arms around TK and held him close, like his own mother used to do. “Mijo, have faith. That’s what I told Carlos when you were lying in a hospital bed, and I was right. Everything turned out the way it was supposed to.”
“I don’t care,” he mumbled.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t care if I have to dress him and bathe him and feed him oatmeal every day, as long as he wakes up. I’ll do all that just so I can have him with me.”
Andrea squeezed him harder. “From the moment I saw you two together, I said to myself, ‘That boy is going to make my son so happy for the rest of his life.’ I don’t think I quite understood the magnitude of that until just now. You are the best son-in-law I could have ever wished for.”
TK pulled back, sniffling and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “I’m not even your son-in-law, though. What if I never get to marry him?”
“You’re right,” she replied. “You’re my son, and whether or not you marry Carlos won’t change that. And whatever happens, we’ll be in this together, you, me, Gabriel, and your dad.”
“Where did Gabriel go, anyway?”
“I don’t know, mijo. I think he just can’t bear to talk about this. He holds his feelings inside, and when he can’t, he tries to hide them from me.”
TK snorted a laugh. “Carlos can be like that, too. I have to coax it out of him half the time.”
“Well, now you know the apple didn’t fall very far from the tree.”
TK shifted in his chair again, then half stood, pulling it closer to Carlos’s bed. He’d moved out of the way when the nurse checked Carlos’s vitals and forgot to move it back. He picked up Carlos’s hand again and kissed it. “Please baby, please come back to me.”
***
Two Weeks Later
“I’m not going anywhere, dad,” TK said, shrugging Owen’s hand off his shoulder. Dr. Reddy had decided they couldn’t wait any longer for Carlos’s second surgery, and while they were prepping him for the OR, TK’s father was trying to convince him to go home for a few hours.
“TK, he’s going to be in surgery at least four hours. I’ll call you if anything happens.”
“Dad, I need to be here,” TK insisted.
“There’s absolutely nothing you can do while he’s in surgery. He won’t even know you’re gone.”
“He never left my side when I was in a coma!”
Owen rubbed his hand over his face. When he stopped, TK looked at his dad, really looked at him for the first time in weeks. There were dark circles under his eyes, and two days’ worth of scruff on his typically clean-shaven face, though he had nothing on Carlos’s beard. While TK, Andrea, and Gabriel spent all of their time worrying about Carlos, Owen focused his attention on TK. He was the one who made sure TK ate and drank, who forced TK out of his chair for quick walks around the block. Some nights, when TK simply needed to lie down, Owen sat up all night next to Carlos’s bed, while TK slept on a small, uncomfortable couch in the family waiting area. His dad wasn’t perfect, but he’d really shown up for TK. The least TK could do was go home to take a shower to ease his father’s worries.
The loft felt hollow and smelled stale from sitting empty for two weeks. TK opened all the windows and lit a candle, then picked up the mail that was sitting on the breakfast bar. He thumbed through it, making sure there wasn’t anything important in the pile. Carlos had all of their bills on auto pay, so it was unlikely they’d missed any payments, but TK knew Carlos would kill him if they paid anything late.
Maybe I should pay one late. Carlos will sense it and wake up to chide me.
He put down the mail and walked away, trying not to let the tears flow. Once Carlos had his first two surgeries, TK had pulled it together and done a good job of keeping his emotions in check, both for Andrea's and Gabriel’s sake and for Carlos. The doctor told them that sometimes patients in comas could hear things, and TK didn’t want to add his pain to all the other stresses on Carlos’s body.
In the bedroom, he stripped off his dirty clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. TK couldn’t remember the last shower his father had coaxed him into taking. Maybe a week ago? With his clothes off, TK could tell how ripe he was, and reminded himself to thank his father for pushing him to go home for a bit. The steamy water soothed his skin, and he took his time scrubbing himself until he was pink and massaging his scalp while he shampooed his hair.
When his fingers shriveled up like prunes, TK turned the water off and back into the bedroom. The first thing he noticed was his dirty clothes piled on the floor. Carlos hated it when he did that, so TK quickly picked them up and deposited them in the hamper. There was no other laundry in there, and TK realized somebody had come over to wash it. He hadn’t given a thought to how the mail had gotten into the apartment, but somebody must have been taking care of that, too. Only his father, Carlos’s parents, and Nancy had a key to the loft, so it must have been one of them — likely Nancy, because the other three were usually at the hospital.
With a towel wrapped around his waist, TK went out into the kitchen to see if there was anything to eat in the fridge. Inside, he found a plate of Tommy’s empanadas. When TK checked the post-it note on top and saw someone had dropped them off just the day before, he nearly squealed with delight. It had been a long time since he’d eaten anything but bland hospital cafeteria food. He threw a couple in the toaster oven and also ate a few cold while he scrolled through his phone. He had an obscene number of messages, which he marked all as read without reading. Maybe one day he would look at and listen to the outpouring of love from his friends and family, but now wasn’t the time.
After his hunger was sated, TK went back to the bedroom to get dressed. He flipped through the clothes in the closet, trying to decide what to wear, as if he wouldn’t end up in sweatpants and a hoodie. He reached the end of his clothes and flipped through Carlos’s, fingering the fabric and imagining he could feel Carlos’s body, solid beneath his hand. A sob escaped from his throat, and he buried his face in the green polo, trying to hide his tears like he did at the hospital.
The smell hit TK all at once, and for a moment, it felt like Carlos really was in the room with him. TK hadn’t noticed the absence of Carlos’s scent, but once he smelled the heady mix of sandalwood and bergamot mixed with Zote laundry flakes and something else, indescribable but uniquely Carlos, he realized how acutely he’d missed it. His senses, dulled by the overall numbness keeping him from losing his mind, awakened and screamed for Carlos’s presence.
TK pulled the shirt off the hanger and held it as he sifted through their dresser, pulling out more of Carlos’s clothes. He pulled on sweatpants, a t-shirt, and a hoodie, and curled up on the bed, laying his head on Carlos’s pillow and holding the green polo to his nose. Deep sobs wracked through TK’s body as he pulled the comforter over his head. He closed his eyes, letting the fear and grief take over, as he wrapped himself in Carlos and cried until he fell asleep.
When TK woke, Owen was sitting on the edge of the bed, gently shaking him. TK opened his eyes, raw and sore from crying, blinking against the afternoon sun shining into the bedroom. It took him a moment to orient himself, but when he did, he bolted up in the bed in a panic. “How long did I sleep? Is Carlos okay?”
Owen put a steady hand on TK’s chest to stop him from springing off the bed. “I got worried about you when you wouldn’t answer your phone, so I came here. The surgery went well, and Carlos is showing signs of being ready to wean off the vent.”
TK twisted his father’s sleeve and gripped it in his hand. “Really? Is he going to wake up?”
“I don’t know, but Dr. Reddy said that sometimes anesthesia can cause the brain to sort of reboot.”
“We have to go back,” TK said, scrambling off the bed. “I have to be there if he wakes up. I can’t let him think I abandoned him.”
“He would never think that, TK.” Owen stood and followed TK out of the bedroom. “But let’s get you back.”
***
Carlos’s parents and Dr. Reddy were in his room when TK got back. “I’m so sorry. I fell asleep.”
“Don’t apologize, Mijo,” Andrea said as TK slipped into his chair next to her. She put her arm around his shoulders. “You needed sleep.”
Gabriel stood on the other side of Carlos’s bed, leaning on the windowsill. “So what’s next, Dr. Reddy?”
“Carlos has been on a supportive breathing system, meaning he initiates each breath on his own. The machine detects the level of effort it takes for each breath and assists at a certain threshold. Essentially, we’ve raised that threshold, so it won’t jump in to help as often. After we see how that goes, we’ll raise the threshold even higher. We’ll be watching to see how often the machine has to help him and monitoring his O2 sats. When it seems highly probable he’ll be able to breathe without assistance, we’ll turn the machine off while he’s still intubated and see how he does.”
“How long will this take?” TK asked.
“It depends on Carlos. It could take a few hours or a few weeks.” TK’s heart sank and Dr. Reddy must have seen it on his face. “From the improvement I’m seeing post-operatively, I wouldn’t be surprised if this goes quickly.”
After Dr. Reddy left, a respiratory therapist came in. She was short and blonde, with kind eyes and a sympathetic smile. After she adjusted the respirator settings, TK and his future in-laws stayed in the room, watching the rise and fall of Carlos’s chest. Eventually, Dr. Reddy came back and told them his sats were looking good, but it would be a few more hours until they made any other adjustments. Andrea and Gabriel retreated to the waiting room, leaving TK alone with Carlos.
TK was grateful for his in-laws. Andrea and Gabriel respected TK’s need to be by Carlos’s side. When they visited with their son, they didn’t mind if TK stayed in the room, moving to a clunky recliner in the corner to keep out of their way. Though they’d been at the hospital nearly as much as TK, they spend a lot of time in the family waiting room with Owen, leaving TK to be alone with his fiancée most of the time. He would be forever thankful to them for recognizing his place in Carlos’s life, even though their wedding was still months away.
He pulled his chair close to Carlos’s bed, and picked up his hand, interlocking their fingers with one hand, and tracing the veins on the back with his other. “Baby, you’re doing so great. You’re so close to coming back to me, I can feel it. You just need to fight a little more; I know you can do it. Please, baby. My life is gray without you.”
TK kissed Carlos’s hand and then lowered his head, resting his chin on top of their hands and watching Carlos’s chest. “I love you, baby,” he murmured. “You know that, right? I don’t remember if I told you that morning before I left for work. Please come back to me. You’re probably worried about being a burden, but you need to know that no matter how long your recovery is, or even if you never fully recover, I want you here with me. Even though we haven’t said the vows yet, they’re in my heart. In sickness and in health, baby. Please know that.” As he finished his speech, TK could have sworn he felt the slightest twitch of Carlos’s hand, as if he was trying to squeeze it weakly, but brushed it aside as either his imagination or a reflex reaction.
Throughout the evening, Jenna, the respiratory therapist, adjusted the ventilator every couple of hours. Each time, she gave TK a thumbs up before leaving. TK alternated between talking softly to Carlos and sitting quietly with his head resting on the bed. The evening turned into night. Owen brought TK a mineral water and a small salad from the cafeteria before going home for the night. TK tossed the salad aside, knowing he would never eat it.
Eventually, Jenna came back and turned off the machine. TK held his breath as he watched Carlos breathe on his own for the first time in two weeks. “I’m going to have someone draw his blood for labs in a minute and then again in an hour,” she told him. “If everything looks good, we’ll extubate him.”
TK spent that entire hour watching Carlos and praying for his recovery. Before the accident, TK hadn’t prayed in years, unless the serenity prayer counted. He wasn’t sure if God could hear him, or if there even was a God, but he found it calming, something akin to meditation. Somehow, prayer made it easier for TK to keep an image of their future at the forefront of his thoughts so that he didn’t lose hope.
When the nurses and respiratory therapist came in to remove the breathing tube, Jenna asked TK to step out of the room. He stood in the hallway with Carlos’s parents, watching through the glass, even though the medical team was blocking his view of Carlos. Gabriel put his arms around TK’s shoulders in a rare show of physical affection. Andrea stood on his other side, her arms looped around TK’s arm and her head resting on his shoulder. Between all three of them, TK wasn’t sure who was holding who up.
When they finished, Andrea and Gabriel said good night to Carlos and TK before heading home for a few hours’ sleep. Andrea ran her fingers through Carlos’s wild curls and kissed his forehead, while Gabriel put a hand on Carlos’s shoulder and spoke to him in hushed Spanish. They both hugged TK before they left and Andrea whispered, “If anyone can bring him back to us, it’s you.”
TK sobbed when he entered the room and got a good look at Carlos without the tube. There were still some fading bruises on his face and a bandage wrapped around his head, covering a large gash. His unshaven face was even more noticeable without the tube and tape obscuring it, but he still looked so much more like Carlos than he had in the last two weeks. TK had planned on settling back in his chair, but climbed into the bed next to Carlos instead, squeezing in carefully as to not disturb his leg and putting the bed rail up so he wouldn’t fall off. He kissed Carlos softly and then laid his head on the pillow next to him. For the first time since Carlos’s accident, TK pulled out his phone and put on their favorite playlist, then put an arm across Carlos’s chest. He reached for Carlos’s hand and held it gently, careful not to mess up the IV line.
This time when Carlos squeezed TK’s hand, it was during Crazy Love, by Van Morrison, which couldn’t be a coincidence. TK squeezed it back, whispering, “I’m here, baby.”
TK slept lightly, but at least he got more rest than he’d been getting most nights. Being next to Carlos felt cozier and more like home, despite the narrow bed and sterile environment. The music washed over him, and he floated along with it, mostly asleep, but always aware of the sound of the monitors, the nurses floating in and out to take Carlos’s vitals, the twitches of Carlos’s muscles, and the occasional sounds he made.
At some point he began moaning as if he were uncomfortable or in pain. TK ran his hand through Carlos’s disheveled curls, whispering, “It’s okay baby, I’m here. You’re going to be okay.”
Just when TK was about to call the nurse, Carlos quieted. TK sighed with relief and let his body relax. He drifted off again and was jolted awake moments later when Carlos turned his head and said, “TK,” in a nearly unrecognizable, hoarse voice.
TK sat up in the bed and examined Carlos’s face. His eyes were still shut, but his tongue darted out as he licked his lips. “Thirsty.”
TK had been waiting for this moment for so long. He’d thought up a million speeches and declarations of love that he would tell Carlos when he woke up. Instead, he froze, the words getting caught in his dry throat. He grabbed Carlos’s hand and brought it to his lips before hitting the call button for the nurse.
She was there in an instant, likely on high alert because of his extubation. TK found his voice and explained what happened.
“It sounds like sleeping beauty might be on his way to join us again,” she said, smiling. “It’s not safe to give him any water or ice chips yet. He’ll need to be cleared for that by the doctor. But I can get you some water and a washcloth, and you can wet his lips with that.”
“He was moaning a little too. It seemed like he was in pain.”
The nurse checked the machine that delivered Carlos’s pain medications. “He just got some more pain meds,” she said. “And he looks comfortable now.” She went into the bathroom and came out with a small basin of water and washcloth, setting it on the bedside stand next to TK. “If he shows more signs of pain or seems agitated, call me again.”
She turned to walk out of the room, but TK stopped her. “Wait! What should I do?”
“Keep talking to him. If he seems responsive, you can ask him to do things like squeeze your hand and see what he does. Or ask him to say something to you. If he can follow commands, it means he’s close, but this process can take days. Sometimes he might be confused. He may wake up crying or even acting belligerent. It’s all normal, as long as he doesn’t hurt you or himself.”
“Thank you,” TK said as she left. He thought about calling Andrea and Gabriel, but it was two o’clock in the morning. He’d wait at least a few hours to share the news with them.
TK dabbed at Carlos’s lips with the washcloth before he laid back down with Carlos, resting his head on Carlos's shoulder so he could speak low into his ear. "You're so close, baby. Come back to me. We've got so much to do. We're really behind on our wedding plans, you know." TK huffed a small chuckle. "Is that your plan, babe? Are you gonna make me do all the work?" TK continued his murmuring until he drifted off again, his face buried in Carlos's neck.
Just before dawn, TK woke to the sound of Carlos crying. "Baby what's wrong?" Carlos’s eyes were still closed but tears leaked out from under his eyelids.
Carlos sobbed and turned his head toward TK. “Throat hurts,” he said, and TK knew exactly what he meant. He remembered the pain of being extubated after only a few days; he couldn’t even imagine how painful it was for Carlos after two weeks.
TK stroked Carlos’s cheek, feeling the wiry roughness of his beard. As soon as Carlos was up for it, he’d help him shave. “Baby, I can get you something to soothe your throat, but you have to open your eyes first. Do you think you can do that for me?”
Carlos let out a shaky sigh and smacked his lips as TK used his sleeve to wipe the tears off his fiancée’s face. He dipped the washcloth in water again, then blotted it against Carlos’s lips. Carlos stuck his tongue out again and licked his lips, upturned in the smallest smile TK had ever seen.
“Feel a little better?” he asked. Carlos didn’t answer and TK said, “Baby, squeeze my hand, once for yes, and twice for no. Can you do that?” There was a pause and then Carlos’s fingers tightened weakly around TK’s. “Do you think you can open your eyes for me?” he asked hopefully.
Weaker than the last hand squeeze, Carlos’s fingers twitched around TK’s twice. “It’s okay, baby,” TK told him. “I’ll be right here when you’re ready.”
***
TK called Carlos’s parents at six to tell them about Carlos’s progress. They arrived at the hospital an hour later and for the next few hours they all took turns talking to Carlos when he stirred. Andrea and Gabriel never asked TK to leave, so he didn’t. When they were at Carlos’s bed side, TK sat in the recliner in the corner, anxiously playing with his phone.
He opened iMessage and again looked through the list of people who had messaged him. He wasn’t ready to reply to anyone — he wouldn’t do that until Carlos was awake, and they knew more about his brain functioning — but maybe he was ready to read a few of them. His thumb hovered over the list, finally selecting Nancy, but after skimming through the first few messages, he closed the app. Nancy, along with Tommy, had saved Carlos’s life that day; she was also TK’s partner and a close friend to him and Carlos. She was likely traumatized by the experience and, as much as TK hated to think it, he couldn’t bear the weight of that yet.
He opened the app again and opened Mateo’s messages next. He’d sent TK several, starting with:
[Mateo] I’m here 4u man, wutevr u need
TK chuckled quietly and moved on to Marjan. She’d sent TK prayers and well wishes and offers to help in any way she could. Next was Paul, then Judd and Grace, and on and on through their friends and coworkers. He’d been dreading reading the messages, but they filled him with an inexplicable energy, like he’d been driving on E for too long, and someone had come along and filled his tank. So many people had been praying for Carlos in their own way, and whether or not he believed in prayers, his heart was overwhelmed with the good vibes being sent out into the universe.
When Andrea and Gabriel took a break, TK climbed back in the bed with Carlos and opened the messages up again, reading them to Carlos. “It’s just like when we got engaged, babe. Everyone’s rooting for us — well mostly for you, which makes sense, given the circumstances.”
When TK was done with the messages, he opened Pinterest and talked about wedding things — colors, flowers, menus. For the first time since the accident, he talked to Carlos as if he knew everything would happen as they’d planned, smiling and laughing at his own jokes, and pressing sweet kisses into Carlos’s cheek.
Soon, Carlos stirred, and TK could sense this time was different. He threw an arm across Carlos’s chest and buried his face in the crook of Carlos’s neck while Carlos shifted and smacked his dry lips together. Finally, Carlos put his hand on TK’s arm and squeezed. “Is this my sweatshirt?” he croaked.
TK sobbed, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and looked up, seeing Carlos’s brown eyes — sleepy and still half shut — for the first time in two weeks. “Hey baby,” he sighed, “You’re back.”
“Where did I go?” Carlos asked, the last two words almost inaudible. He swallowed hard and then winced from the pain of it.
“Try not to talk too much,” TK said, sitting up so Carlos didn’t have to strain his neck to look at him. “You were intubated, and they just took the tube out last night. You’re going to be sore for a while. I can call the nurse to bring you water or ice chips.”
TK’s hand was already hovering over the call button when Carlos shook his head. “Not yet. What happened?”
“You were in an accident. Do you remember at all?” Carlos shook his head again. “You were chasing a suspect, and you got into an accident in the police cruiser. It was bad, baby. I didn’t know if you were gonna make it.” TK swallowed down the sob rising in his throat, but there was nothing he could do about the tears streaming down his face. “You broke several ribs, punctured your lung, damaged your spleen, took a nasty blow to the head, and broke your leg in a bunch of places.”
“How bad?”
“You’ve had three surgeries total. One for your spleen and two for your leg. They had to intubate you because you weren’t doing so hot with the perforated lung, but the chest tube came out after the first few days.”
Carlos furrowed his brow, trying to recall the accident, but ended up just shaking his head again. “Mitchell?”
“She’s fine, got out of there with a couple broken ribs and some bruises.”
Carlos nodded. “Good.” He closed his eyes for a few moments longer than could be considered a blink.
“You look so tired, baby. Let me just get your parents in here quick, and the nurse to check you, ok? Can you stay awake for just a couple more minutes?”
Carlos nodded but closed his eyes. TK squeezed his hand and climbed out of the bed, running out into the hall to where his future in-law sat, Andrea knitting and Gabriel swearing under his breath as he worked on a crossword puzzle. “Carlos is awake,” TK announced breathlessly. “He opened his eyes and talked to me, but he’s fading fast. If you hurry, you might get to talk to him for a minute before he goes back to sleep.”
Andrea and Gabriel followed TK back to the room, abandoning the knitting and newspaper in the chairs. Carlos’s eyes were still closed, but when Andrea leaned over and pressed her palm to Carlos’s cheeks, his eyelashes fluttered. “Mamá,” he said, and leaned into her hand.
Andrea tried to speak but couldn’t manage through her tears. Gabriel stood next to her and picked up Carlos’s hand. “Mijo. Gracias a Dios estas bien. Te quiero mucho, mijo.” TK had never seen him speak so openly about his love to Carlos before.
Carlos managed a smile and a nearly inaudible, “Gracias,” before letting his eyes close again.
They both lingered, Gabriel holding on to Carlos’s hand while Andrea stroked his hair. TK excused himself to go talk to the nurse, who said to hit the call button next time he woke up, and she would come in to check his vitals and bring some ice chips. He’d planned to settle back in his chair, but the room suddenly felt too small, the air too thick to breathe. TK quickly relayed the nurse’s message to Gabriel and Andrea before excusing himself and headed for the elevator, pressing the button impatiently, and then willing it to move faster once it did.
Once on the main floor, TK walked swiftly to the exit and ran outside into the hot, Texas sun. He quickly took his sweatshirt off and started running. The only thing TK knew is that he couldn’t sit in the hospital anymore, so he ran without taking note of where he was going.
He ran hard until he had a stitch in his side and his lungs burned with every inhale. When he couldn’t keep going without passing out, he rested his hands on his knees, breathing heavily until he could stand upright. When he did, the edges of his vision went gray and started closing in. Panicked, he looked around and thankfully realized he was just outside a small park. There was a garbage can just inside the gates, and he stumbled toward it, reaching it just in time to empty the meager contents of his stomach and then gagged until bile rose into his throat and he expelled that too.
When he was done, TK walked to the nearest bench and sat down. His vision was still blurry and the sounds of children playing sounded far away. With trembling hands he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed the first number he saw, not even bothering to look at the name.
“TK? Is everything ok?”
TK paused, taking a moment to register the voice on the other end. Finally, he answered, “Enzo? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to call you. I — “
“Are you ok? Is Carlos ok?”
TK felt a pang of guilt at the worry in Enzo’s voice. With the distance between them, especially since TK’s mother had died, it was easy for TK to forget how much Enzo loved him. “No, I mean, yeah.” He took a deep breath, the air still stinging his lungs. “Carlos is good. He woke up. I’m… “
“Falling apart?” Enzo offered when TK couldn’t finish his sentence.
“Well, I just ran for I don’t even know how many miles without stopping, and I’m not even sure where I am right now, so…”
“TK, send me your location. I’m going to text your father to come get you, ok? And we can talk while you wait.”
TK’s hands were shaking so badly, he could barely open the app and share his location with Enzo, but somehow, he managed. “Ok, done.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Enzo said.
TK drew another deep, shaky breath. “I’m not sure. I thought all I would feel was relief. He’s back, you know? We’re going to have the life we always wanted. But then, I was just hit with all these other feelings, and I couldn’t breathe. I think I’ve just been holding everything together for Carlos’s sake, and it all just erupted at the same time. Jesus, I’m awful. I should be with Carlos right now, not wallowing in my emotional stew.”
“It’s okay to think about yourself, TK. You’ve been through so much, and you’ve still got a long road ahead of you.”
“I’m not worried about me. Whatever Carlos has to overcome, I’ll be right beside him, and I’ll be happy to do whatever he needs. Nothing about Carlos could ever feel like a burden.”
“Then what is it?”
TK had to think. Everything had happened so quickly he didn’t even know what had brought on the pain and fear that sent him running away until he nearly collapsed.
“TK?”
TK’s stomach roiled, nearly sending TK back to the garbage can. But he swallowed the bile rising in his throat. “I don’t want to say.”
It was Enzo’s turn to grow quiet. “You don’t have to. I already know. You’re wondering why your mother didn’t make it.”
TK’s eyes burned, his head ached, and his stomach churned, though there couldn’t have been anything left in it except bile. “It’s so selfish of me to think about this, when Carlos needs me.”
“It’s not selfish, TK,” Enzo said confidently, though TK could hear the tears that his stepfather was holding back. “It’s normal to feel this way, even when you have everything else in your life to be happy about. I have your brother, and you, and all of my family, but I still wonder every day.”
“This is different. Carlos lived. Why can’t I just be grateful for that? I am grateful for that. I wasn’t even thinking of mom.”
“TK, your mom only died a few months ago. Of course Carlos’s accident would bring up feelings about her.”
“I should have been there, Enzo,” TK sobbed. “I should have been there for her like I was for Carlos.”
“There was nothing you could have done, TK. She was gone before the ambulance arrived.”
“I gave her so much trouble, Enzo, and she didn’t get to see enough of the good times.” “You were a wonderful son,” Enzo croaked. “And you made your mom happier than you’ll ever know. The two of you had an amazing bond. Sometimes I felt a little left out, you know, when the two of you were together. You seemed to have your own unspoken language that I couldn’t understand. You had pieces of each other that I would never have. But I loved that about the two of you. I knew you would always have each other.”
“But I don’t have her anymore.”
“No, not in the way you were supposed to, anyway. I don’t think there will be a day that goes by that you won’t wonder why. You have Carlos, though, and I know you’ll make the most of that. Resenting your mother’s death has nothing to do with your joy that Carlos is going to make it.”
TK let that sink in and soon, the lurching in his stomach slowed. He was still a little shaky, probably because of the whole running really hard on a nearly empty stomach and with no water thing, but otherwise, he felt a little better. “Thank you, Enzo. It’s good to talk to you about her.”
A car horn honked, and TK looked up to see his dad idling in the no-parking zone in front of the park. “My dad’s here, Enzo.”
“You gonna be okay, kiddo?”
“Yeah, I am. Are you?”
“I get by.”
“I love you,” TK said to the man that had been more of a father to him than his own dad at times.
“I love you, too. Send Carlos my love and let’s do a FaceTime when he’s feeling up to it. I bet Jonah would cheer the both of you up.”
Owen had exited the car and wandered into the park, looking around for TK. “I’d like that. Talk soon. Bye.”
“Bye, kiddo.”
TK hung up the phone and rose slowly off the bench, trying not to bring on another dizzy spell. “I’m over here dad!” he called, waving his hand over his head.
Owen jogged over to him. “TK, you look terrible. Are you alright? What were you thinking?”
“Carlos…”
“I know,” Owen said, grabbing TK’s arm to keep him steady. “Andrea and Gabriel called me when you didn’t come back right away.”
“I need to get back to him. What if I’m not there when he wakes up again?”
“He’ll be alright, TK. Now come on, I’m taking you home for a bit. I think you need a little TLC, too.”
TK wanted to protest, but a sob broke out of his throat, and he dropped his head to his father’s shoulder, letting the tears flow unimpeded. “Okay, dad. You might be right.”