things i should probably keep in mind while playing soldier across the known world

by That1DireWolf

Summary:

@the entire wynncraft community: this is for you guys.

I DO NOT CONSENT TO MY WORK BEING USED FOR MACHINE LEARNING OR GENERATIVE AI DATABASES.

Chapter 1

1. No one cares how much I hate Infested Pit, burning down Nivla Woods is a massive overreaction, and I will stop smuggling giant spiders into Ragni to prove otherwise.
2. “Damage test” is not an acceptable excuse to mass murder Detlas citizens.
3. I will not strap knives melee weapons any weapons onto any of the following:
   1. Boots
   2. Gloves
   3. Other weapons
   4. Jackets
   5. Cloaks
4. I will not strap anything to anything else, period.
   1. Unless it’s required for a quest.
5. I will not give myself quests.
6. Just because I wake up in the last town I visited every time I die is not an excuse to “throw corpses at the problem until it stops being a problem”.
7. I will stop referring to the Morph Set as a mech suit.
8. Yahya does not have a mushroom fetish and I will stop asking immediately.
9. Elemental Powders are to be applied to weapons, not snorted in a line off the crafting stations.
10. Fallbreakers do not actually negate fall damage. I probably should stop testing this theory off every drop I can find.
    1. Double Vision, on the other hand, does negate fall damage somehow.
11. Morph/Fantasia users are not “basic and unoriginal”.
12. I will not use Cataclysm to open another interdimensional rift.
    1. Note from Maxie: Mo’in! Found this list on my desk. Just want to add that I have no clue how this “Portal Gun” you gave me works and at this point I’m too afraid to ask.
13. “Accidentally” misplacing this list is not valid justification for doing anything on it.
14. There is no secret fifth element, and if there is one, it is not “pog”.
15. Just because Bob had a chicken doesn’t mean I can have one too.
    1. I should also stop kidnapping chickens (chicknapping?) from Rooster Island.
16. If something makes me laugh for longer than fifteen seconds, it is probably a bad idea.
17. Joining a quest party does not involve tricking said party members into moving in the exact opposite direction of the quest objective.
    1. “I forgor 💀” is not a valid excuse.
18. I am not allowed to “peace the fuck out” if the caravan I am escorting is ambushed by monsters.
19. Health potions and alcohol of any kind is not a good mix.
20. Mana potions and alcohol of any kind is not a good mix.
21. Potions and alcohol of any kind are not a good mix.
22. Shouts ARE NOT FOR:
    1. Cheating on magic school finals.
    2. Insulting my fellow soldiers.
    3. Insulting people in general.
    4. Advertising my guild every two seconds.
23. I will stop doing shots of absinthe with the Slime Scooper.
24. Kiting high-level monsters into a low-level area is right out.
25. It is generally considered poor form to run straight into an area I am drastically underlevelled for and complain about dying in five seconds flat.
26. Alcohol poisoning is potentially life-threatening and should not be treated lightly.
27. Wearing Werepelt does not make someone a furry.
28. Dullahan is not “some edgy emo mf who has probably never touched grass before”.
    1. Not even if he’s actually never touched grass for the past hundred years or so.
29. My non-hostiles kill count is not something to brag about.
30. I will not nail “95 Reasons Why Bovemism Is A Scam” to the Cinfras Bovine Church’s front door to try and incite a religious war.
31. There are far more acceptable responses to friendly inquiries than making animal noises.
    1. To clarify: When Drale checks up on my mental well-being I should probably stop shouting “MOOOO!” at him.
    2. No, not even if it’s funny.
32. I will not build ETW then complain about having no defensive abilities.
33. The first thing out of my mouth if attacked by Lari SHOULD NOT BE “consider me scared and horny”.
34. No drawing [REDACTED] on teleport scrolls and selling them on the Trade Market.
    1. Success in these endeavors does not make it okay.
    2. Note from Maxie: Holy shit, man, why?
35. I will not mess with Death's hourglasses. He's still trying to figure out how I managed to give a random Tromsian guard effective immortality.
36. The Dern Beast won't show itself because the current material plane simply cannot support its form, not because it has social anxiety as I have claimed.
37. Being able to run directly into the Qira Hive screaming “WITNESS ME” as many times as I like does not change the fact I am not accomplishing anything.
38. I will not challenge the Antithykera Supercomputer to tic-tac-toe or any other unwinnable game. It was three weeks before she conceded a draw.
39. The Omnispective Wanderer has requested me to stop referring to them as “Eyeguy”.
40. Let it be known that harassing the staff is not an effective way to request updates.
41. Orphion is not:
    1. A furry
    2. A fox
    3. A Sunbro
    4. “The goodest boi”
    5. Fluffy
       1. Correction: Orphion is incredibly fluffy.
       2. This does not mean it is okay to pet him.
42. Silent Observers are not, and never have been, secret government agents “trying to steal my IP address” or “reporting my every move to the FBI”.
43. Poison weapons are a war crime.
    1. Note from Soldier: Fuck you, you’re not taking my Toxoplasmosis.
44. I am not allowed to bring candy to any Raid unless I bring enough for the entire party.
45. I am not allowed to bring candy to any Raid even if I bring enough for the entire party.
46. The Nameless Anomaly does not have a name, and if it does, it is absolutely NOT called “Greg”.
    1. Or “Dennis”.
    2. Or “Black Papyrus”.
    3. Just stop trying to name the damn thing.
47. My friends have requested multiple times and are now begging me to stop saying I was “vored by a giant eyeball, yo”.
48. The skeleton guy in front of the Dern Portal is not called “Black Sans”.
    1. No, he doesn’t have Gaster Blasters.
    2. Note from Maxie: What are “Gaster Blasters”?
49. While grinding professions in Hunted Mode I should keep in mind other hunters are both able to, and very much want to, murder me.