Chapter Text
All Namjoon wanted was to retrieve his prescription from the ophthalmologist. His old glasses broke, and in order to order a new one, he was told to get a new prescription. So here he was, finished with the eye exam and now paying for his appointment. At least, it should have been a simple task, but no. There was an obstacle. Of course there is, Namjoon grumbles to himself internally.
The receptionist smiled apologetically at Namjoon, her fingers flying across the keyboard. “I apologize again, Namjoon-ssi. But could you specify the date of your divorce?” Namjoon tries to hide his grimace.
“It was last year. September 20th.”
“Ah, I see. Your last appointment with us was a month before that date, so that’s why we are having trouble with getting through insurance. Please give us a minute to update your profile.”
“Sure. Thank you.” The 33 year old music producer lets out a soft sigh, pulling some strands of his hair back. No one has warned him of this– this being how life is constantly reminding him of the one thing he desperately wanted to forget: that horrible, terrible, awful day. Scratch that. That horrible, terrible, awful time period. The time period when he was married to him . Ever since his eyes finally opened, Namjoon left that person without looking back, wanting to leave everything and anything relating to him behind in the past. All records, memories, anything about him, Namjoon wanted them all gone. In fact, he wanted them to no longer exist.
So to do so, Namjoon tried to start clean. As soon as the divorce was officialized, Namjoon left Seoul and returned to his hometown, Ilsan. It wasn't too big of a transition, as he still kept his job as one of the main Big Hit producers. However, he resided in his parents’ home for a month or so before renting an apartment of his own in Ilsan. From there, everything in his life became 100 times more difficult. Apparently, having a divorce is like a cursed mark– a permanent stamp that follows you everywhere. Complications arose regarding his insurance, property disputes, and especially his social circle where he had to make some tough choices in keeping some of his relationships he shared with him, or leaving them behind. Namjoon couldn’t lie and say there weren’t times he just wanted to give up. With all these problems and not to mention, the unbearable pain in his heart from the divorce brought Namjoon to a dark, dark place.
There were times where Namjoon questioned his entire being. He would question himself, where did he go wrong? What was about him that made his ex-husband destroy their marriage like that? Would all these problems go away one day? When? And most importantly, could he ever find happiness again? For a while, Namjoon couldn't see a future where he would be happy and in love like he once was years ago.
But, Namjoon was able to spot a small flicker of light at the end of this endless tunnel thanks to his family, close friends, and Seokjin. Namjoon honestly would have probably been in a state of melancholy for who knows how long if it weren’t for Seokjin. Seokjin stood by his side from the very beginning, and he hasn’t left since. Seokjin even offered his own penthouse in Seoul to reside in when Namjoon found himself stressed from having to travel back from Ilsan to Seoul every day. The nation’s beloved soloist made sure Namjoon would eat well, always offered a shoulder to cry on, and constantly reminded how loved he was. While Namjoon loves and appreciates his therapist for helping him to fend his inner demons to the side, it was really Seokjin who helped him with feeling loved and cared for.
So things were bad, but there things were also good. While his heart hasn’t yet been fully healed, Namjoon knows that there are people in his love who truly love him. It may have taken him some time to relearn trust after experiencing the biggest betrayal in his life, but he is getting there.
And really, he has to thank Seokjin for that… for being incredibly patient for all the times Namjoon would push Seokjin away in fear of his hyung leaving him one day.
“Yah, you did more than that.” he could hear his Seokjin hyung scolding playfully. “Remember that time you ran away from my place in the middle of the night and I had to search all over Seoul on foot for your ass? Or that one time you tried to cuss me out in public so I would get mad at you only for you to show up in my workplace the next day, drunk, and crying in my arms, apologizing nonstop? If I had a nickel for every time you said ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I don't deserve you’, it would be higher than my regular salary.”
Truly, he doesn’t know what he would do without Seokjin and his stubborn nature. Namjoon smiles to himself, heart beating a little faster at the thought of his handsome hyung. Things still may be hard, but he has discovered that there are those who truly stick around through thick and thin.
“Ah there it is,” the receptionist chirps cheerfully, interrupting Namjoon’s train of thoughts. Namjoon straightens his back, fumbling through his pockets for his wallet.
“Is everything good, or do I need to contact my insurance company?” Namjoon asks.
“You should be all good. It’s just that even though you have withdrawn from your old plan, it seems to be active. Perhaps your ex-partner is still using it, but we have updated your profile with your new information. I apologize again for the complications.”
Namjoon’s jaw tightens, yet he nods firmly. “Alright, I will begin my payment then.” Namjoon pays for his eye appointment, and leaves in a haste. He can feel the dark and heavy feeling slowly slithering into his fragile mind.
It’s one thing to be reminded of his divorce, but it’s another to be reminded of him and what he has been up to. Namjoon doesn’t want to think about the possibilities or the reasons why he would still keep their joint plan active. Namjoon refuses to think into this deeply, thinking of how he’s been doing, if he getting the help he needed, if—
The sound of a familiar ringtone snaps Namjoon out of his spiraling thoughts. The music producer quickly searches inside his pocket for his phone, knowing the identity of the caller based on this special ringtone he has set for this person.
Namjoon answers the call on the 3rd ring, “Hello, hyung? I’m sorry, I’ll be out in a second.”
“Yah, Kim Namjoon!” yells a familiar voice. Despite knowing what he is getting into, Namjoon couldn’t help but smile. Everyday, he’s growing more fond of this voice, even if this voice tends to get higher in pitch when the owner of the voice gets especially fussy.
“Do you know how long I have been waiting outside? We both have to go to work soon, so if you aren't in the car in 10 seconds, I’m leaving your ass behind.” Of course, as Namjoon came to learn, he would never do that. Leaving him behind that is. Seokjin would never do that.
“I’m sorry hyung-nim. I’m running this second now!” Namjoon says with a slight chuckle, picking up his pace and making his way out to the door.
“Better hurry, I’m going to count down now. Ten… nine… eight….” Seokjin teases, letting out his signature, windshield-like laughter.
Namjoon snorts, “Oh my god, you are actually counting down? Give me a break, hyung.”
“YOU give me a break! I was told that your eye appointment would only last about 20 minutes, so I was okay giving you a ride to work since we work in the same building anyway. Had I known that I would be sitting here in my lamborghini for over 40 minutes, I would have never offered you to be your chauffeur.”
Namjoon’s smile only widens, amused by his hyung’s silly complaints. What he has also come to learn that even though Seokjin would complain about almost everything, the elder would still give in every time Namjoon asks for something. There was a point in time where Namjoon felt bad for making Seokjin to do so many tasks for him, but after a mere week of not asking Seokjin of anything, the elder went on a mad rant on how Namjoon became too overconfident for not taking Seokjin’s offering hand. In other words, Seokjin wanted to do all these tasks– to help Namjoon in any way he could. Perhaps this was his way of easing Namjoon’s conscience, to make it a big deal when really, Seokjin was more than happy to do this for him.
Namjoon gets outside and sees Seokjin’s car waiting right outside the building. Catching a glimpse of his hyung’s deadly, handsome face by the window, Namjoon’s heart beat picks up its pace.
He hangs up the phone and approaches the black, shiny automobile, heart racing a tad bit faster as he gets to the passenger seat. It’s normal to feel a little excited to see Seokjin hyung, Namjoon tells himself internally. After all, his hyung is incredibly handsome. Who wouldn’t feel a little giddy to be close to someone like Kim Seokjin?
Namjoon is definitely NOT ready to think of other possibilities as to why he is feeling this way– not ready mentally and psychologically. So, he is going to conclude that it’s just his hyung’s breathtaking looks that is causing his heart to stir.
The music producer gets inside the car, smiling to himself as he hears the elder man next to him huff at him.
“Oh finally, the prince is here. Did you take a sweet dump there? Or maybe the writing genius isn't so good with math?” Seokjin teases.
Namjoon smiles, putting on his seatbelt. “Hi hyung. Sorry for making you wait. How can I ever make it up to you?” Namjoon glances to his side, secretly enjoying the view of his hyung’s features. It’s unfair how Seokjin can look so dashing even being covered with blue shades and black mask. Maybe Namjoon is biased and all, but he truly believes Seokjin is the most handsome man out there. And he has the privilege of seeing this man’s beauty almost every day.
Even if this man loves to squabble a lot.
“Oh I don’t know, make me another song? I expect a music file in my inbox by this weekend,” Seokjin says with a silly grin as he drives out the parking lot.
Namjoon only giggles. “Oh hyung, you know I would give you a song anytime, anywhere. But I think I would need more time than that to give you a high quality song.”
“What, is that young boy group you’ve been working with more important than me, your beloved hyung? I want to be the highest in your priority list, so give me your best song by this weekend,” Seokjin demands with a pout.
“You’re ridiculous,” Namjoon says while shaking his head in disbelief. Honestly, Namjoon sometimes wonders how his relationship with Seokjin came to this point. He met Seokjin as colleagues just two and a half years ago, when he was assigned to compose Seokjin's single hit. Namjoon remembered feeling nervous when meeting Seokjin for the first time. Out of all the soloists or artists he worked with, Seokjin was the biggest ever. The nation, no, the world was all in love with Seokjin’s vocals, also known as silver voice. Namjoon was both excited and anxious to work with someone as successful and famous as Seokjin, but boy was he not ready for the personality that is Seokjin.
“You’re producer RM? I never knew RM would be this young! You were a prodigy, weren’t you? This is so cool, please call me hyung. In exchange, I get to call you Namjoon. Is that okay?” It was inevitable to befriend Seokjin quickly since then, and the rest was history.
“So what’s the deal with the eye appointment? Has your eyesight gotten worse or..?” Seokjin asks suddenly. Namjoon stiffens, in which Seokjin catches the change in atmosphere immediately.
Namjoon sheepishly smiles, unable to stop himself from fidgeting in his seat after recalling the events from earlier. “Well… I don’t know. It’s just… it was brought up again.” Namjoon knows he doesn’t have to specify what ‘it’ was to Seokjin. Seokjin knew immediately what he was referring to.
“Hyung’s listening. Take your time, Namjoon-ah,” Seokjin says softly.
Namjoon sighs this time. “Yeah. Not only did I have to put a checkmark next to my ‘divorce’ underneath my marital status AGAIN, but I had to wait longer for them to update my new insurance plan because my old one is still active. They said that he was probably still using it.”
Seokjin only hums, his eyes concentrating on the road.
So Namjoon continues, “And I don’t know, I just feel like I won't ever escape my dark past. It’s like life doesn’t want me to forget what I have gone through, reminding me that I am indeed a divorced man. Every official document I have to sign or every important questionnaire I have to answer, they ask for my marital status, and things get complicated when I have to say that I’m divorced. I want to so badly put it behind and never have to think about it again. To never think about him again. But life is taunting me.”
The car ride was silent for a couple of minutes, letting Namjoon’s words linger into the air. Then, Seokjin finally speaks up with a simple answer, “Then, fight life back.”
Namjoon snorts, “Okay, should I sign up for boxing classes to gear myself up for this fight?”
Seokjin laughs at the snarky comment, but afterwards, in a serious voice, Seokjin answers, “Well, it’s never a bad thing to take boxing classes. But what I’m saying is that if life is taunting you, taunt it back. Just like if someone punches you, you punch them back. Show them and the world that you can overcome these taunts and the past that’s trying to weigh you down. You’re the strongest person I know. You can definitely knock down life and its little taunts. Next time you see a question that asks of your marital status, instead of writing a checkmark next to ‘divorced’, you can cross it out and write instead ‘happily unmarried to that asshole”
Namjoon can’t help but let out a fit of laughter. “Hyung, what the hell? First of all, only you would have the audacity to do that, and second of all, how would that help anything? I’ll probably get glares or I don’t know, still get asked about the divorce, when I got it, and how my financial status is since the divorce–”
“You’re just giving society a taste of their taunts. It’s like flipping them off, and you don’t have to see that god awful word like ‘divorce’ again. I can’t imagine how many times you have to see or hear that word whenever you do personal business, so make up a new word and roll with it proudly. I think ‘happily unmarried’ is a better version in my humble opinion.”
Namjoon grins, “Let’s not forget the ‘asshole’ part.”
Seokjin smiles back. “Definitely don’t leave the ‘asshole’ part out.” Namjoon giggles, and he can feel his chest filling with warmth yet again. Seokjin just knows how to cheer him up, and he is so grateful for that.
“Thanks hyung. I will definitely follow your steps and punch back my enemies, life and society that is. Just like how you punched Tae– I mean, that asshole, that day, which made you on the front page headlines all over the world,” Namjoon teased.
Seokjin groaned at that, hitting his head to the steering wheel as they made a stop in front of a red traffic light. “I thought we agreed to never bring that up again. Do you know how many news articles were written that day with my not so appealing, angry face plastered on every cover?”
Namjoon giggles, “I don’t know, I thought you looked pretty cool, hyungie. Especially since you did that for me.” Namjoon’s face heats up after he whispers out the last bits of his speech. He quickly peers his eyes downwards to his lap, instantly regretting his last sentence.
He can feel Seokjin’s eyes staring intensely at him, and so the music producer had to squeak, “Hyung, it’s green light.”
“Oh right.”
There was another moment of silence between them, albeit more awkward. Then, when they are nearing their final destination, Seokjin speaks up again, “I would do it again, and again for you, Namjoon. I would do anything for you.”
Namjoon’s hand squeezes tightly onto his seatbelt, feeling his heart beating against his chest. He knew there was a hidden implication behind Seokjin’s words. He’s not blind nor is he naive.
Namjoon doesn’t know when this exactly started, but the tension, or the unsaid feelings between him and Seokjin, is only getting bigger. They’ve been dancing around this subject for a few weeks now, but neither have made a move just yet nor fully acknowledged this situation.
It’s probably because both he and Seokjin know for certain that one of them is not ready to take their relationship into an unknown territory. And that person is none other than himself.
Namjoon decided to take this issue to his therapist, Dr. Chun. Besides his parents, Seokjin, and childhood friends, Dr. Chun is one of the people who played a huge role in helping him get on his feet since that dreadful day. Dr. Chun was patient, understanding, and very kind. But at the same time, Dr. Chun was honest and straight to the point, which sometimes Namjoon really needed from someone. He hasn’t missed any sessions with his doctor since he first scheduled an appointment, and Dr. Chun has become a person he could rely on, and someone he confided in when no one else could.
Namjoon sees Dr. Chun smiles brightly as soon as he walks into his office. Namjoon returns the smile, making himself comfortable on the couch in front of his doctor’s desk.
“Good afternoon, Namjoon-ah. How was your week?”
As Dr. Chun advised previously, Namjoon answers honestly, “It’s been okay. Not good, but not too bad.”
Dr. Chun already has his pen and notebook ready. “Oh? And may I ask what was not good? Or do you want to start talking about the ‘not too bad’ part?”
“I would like to start the not so good part.”
“Okay, whatever you wish. So what is going on? Does this have to do anything with your past?”
Namjoon shakes his head. “Um, no not really… Or I guess kind of? Maybe? I don’t know. It is about my love life, but it’s not about h-him.”
“Go on.”
“Well, it’s really about my friend, the one who you are very familiar with. Seokjin.”
This prompted Dr. Chun to smile. “Ah, Kim Seokjin. Yes, he is somehow almost always mentioned in our sessions. Have you developed feelings for him?”
Namjoon blushes furiously at that. “Erm… I believe so? I can’t deny, I’ve begun to notice signs of attraction towards him. I mean, well, I always found him incredibly attractive, and I’m so thankful for him for everything he did and still does for me. Really, I can’t imagine myself standing tall and proud without him by my side. Especially around last year, weeks after that event, he was the one who took care of me. I know I’ve said this plenty of times before, but I can’t help but keep mentioning how he was there to hold me when things got too tough. He would make to visit me every night, offer me his place when he knew I didn’t want to be alone, cooked me meals to nourish my body, listened to every one of my rambles, and… and… even stayed by my side no matter how many times I tried to push him away. As you remember, I wasn't in the best state of mind in the first 6 months after that event, and so I did awful things to him because of how scared I was of growing too attached to him. Yet, he was so persistent, trying to prove to me how much he really cared for me… And I guess down along the line, I couldn’t help but fall for him– ” Namjoon suddenly slaps his hand over his mouth, realizing how long he had rambled. And the fact that he changed from only “thinking” he likes Seokjin to a completely full blown confession of falling for him.
He slowly looked up to meet his therapist’s eyes, only seeing a sincere smile and a hint of amusement behind his facial expression.
“If you still have more to add, please feel free,” Dr. Chun says almost teasingly. Namjoon shakes his head in embarrassment, feeling his cheeks redden.
“So what seems to be the problem? Or are there multiple problems in this case?”
“I guess, the problem is that I am having trouble accepting these feelings? I think it’s the first time I’ve admitted having these feelings towards hyung out loud. But deep inside, I think I’ve always known, but I never wanted to acknowledge it. And these days, I can tell h-hyung also wants to say something about us too. I… I think he likes me too.”
Dr. Chun writes something down first before asking, “And what are the things he does to make you think that way?”
Namjoon tugs his sleeves as he mumbles “Well… I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s this tension between us these days. There are times where his eyes would linger on mine or just on me in general a little longer than usual. There are also times where he would say things that just… have some implications that I can tell have deeper meaning behind them. He would say things like he would do anything for me, how I’m one of the most important people in his life and stuff like that. I can tell he wants to say more, but for my sake, he holds back and doesn’t say anything more explicit.”
Nodding and writing more things down, Dr. Chun immediately asks, “How does that make you feel?”
“Guilty. Confused. S-scared. But I shouldn’t be feeling scared! I shouldn’t be feeling any of this.”
Dr. Chun puts down his pen and notebook and looks at Namjoon in the eyes. “Namjoon-ah, it’s okay for you to be feeling these things. It’s normal for you to feel this way, especially when you’re still in the process of healing from your previous marriage.”
Namjoon frowns, “B-but… He already did so much for me. I feel like I am not respecting him for not even acknowledging his advancements. Especially when it’s obvious I feel the same way too.”
“For the sake of playing devil’s advocate, I will ask you this. Do you really feel the same way? Why would you feel scared if you do? Perhaps you are feeling pressured into liking him for being there at your worst.”
Namjoon bites his lip from the stress of this incredibly difficult question. He knows the answer inside, but he doesn’t want to admit it. Then, he thinks about his hyung and his kind smile, and then he thinks about the progress he made so far. If he wants to continue moving forward, he learns that it can be his own mind acting as his obstacle. And the first step is to overcome his own walls that he had made for himself.
“I really do like him, Dr. Chun. I know the tell-tale signs of fancying someone. There are still days where I remember the old days where I fell in love with my ex-husband,” Namjoon whispers almost bitterly.
“Such as?”
“My heart races around him. I miss him even though I see him almost every other day. And sometimes, all I could think about is how well I can fit in his arms. Yet, that very thought is terrifying to me.”
“And why is that terrifying to you? How is loving Kim Seokjin so scary?” Dr. Chun asks softly.
Namjoon swallows harshly. He knows, and now, he has to say it out loud.
“I’m petrified of the possibility that he would end up like him. That he would also leave me behind one day,” Namjoon answers in a small voice. A lump forms inside him, and he can feel tears fighting their way out from his eyes. Swallowing down the lump, Namjoon quickly adds, “But again, I shouldn’t feel this way. I know he wouldn’t do that. Like I said earlier, he did so much to prove to me that he would stay by my side. I know, yet, I’m still so afraid. Why can’t I just trust him?” Namjoon cries.
Why can’t I get rid of these scars that he inflicted upon me.
Dr. Chun hands him a tissue box, in which Namjoon gratefully accepts and blows his nose. His emotions rise in intensity whenever the topic of his old wounds gets brought up. This is no different case, yet, it’s even worse when it’s also about the one person who he is growing to love even more each day: Seokjin.
After giving him time to let out his emotions, Dr. Chun strokes his hand gently and whispers, “Namjoon-ah, it’s okay. Everything you feel is not wrong, and it is quite normal. Incredibly understandable even. It’s only natural for you to be scared of starting another relationship, especially since you’ve got out of one that caused you so much pain. Remember what I have said. That pain, especially this sort of pain, doesn't just go away. In fact, you may be re-experiencing this pain again, having to remember the time you fell in love with your ex husband the same way you are falling for your friend.”
Namjoon sniffles, realizing that Dr. Chun was right, but was not happy with the truth slapping his face. He really doesn’t like the idea of putting Seokjin and him on the same plate or connecting them in any way, but what Dr. Chun's saying was true. Once upon a time, the fluttery feelings he experienced with Seokjin, the love and gratefulness he had towards Seokjin, the desire to hold him and be held by him in return… all these are reminiscent of the time he was absolutely smitten with him. Of course, the feelings of having butterflies in your stomach is wonderful and addicting even, but where did that bring him 8 years later? Complete, pure anguish. The utter shock of betrayal. A knife to the gut. A mixture of self-hatred, monstrous rage, and all sorts of ugly feelings Namjoon never wanted to experience.
“For your case, it takes courage to even step into the realm of romance. You are so strong Namjoon, for taking one step into these new yet scary feelings. And if you feel like you are not ready to face them or take a chance with them around this time, then that is okay. It may help to tell this to Seokjin. And if Seokjin truly does love you, he would understand. Okay?”
Namjoon just has one question he has been dying to know.
“Then when will I be ready? Will I ever be ready? I’m so scared that I can never heal from these wounds, Dr. Chun. What he did to me… are these permanent scars?”
Dr. Chun takes an extra second to gather his thoughts before answering, “No, Namjoon-ah. Wounds do heal, so let’s not call these scars. It will take time, so while they may seem like scars now, you can get through this. You were able to leave the marriage without looking back. You were able to continue onward with your life with the career you are incredibly passionate about. You have so many loved ones who have your back. And then, you have Seokjin, from what I have learned from you, who would still love you no matter what path you want to take with your relationship with him. I think it may ease your mind if you share how you are truly feeling with him. If you take a risk and put your trust in him, then maybe, you can progress further in your healing journey.”
“Maria and Catarina have to be endgame. If they aren’t, then I’m starting a petition,” Seokjin says with a huff, popping another popcorn to his mouth.
Always a fan of seeing his hyung riled up, Namjoon argues, “Hmm really? So far, I’m totally seeing Catarina falling for Keith–”
“No, what the hell? Namjoon, they’re siblings! Do you support incest??”
“Hyung, they're not blood related. If you support Eren and Mikasa, then there is no reason to not support Catarina and Keith.”
“No, no, no. I never supported Eren and Mikasa cause I didn’t see the chemistry! There is no chemistry between Catarina and Keith either! Maria is perfect for her.”
Namjoon just shrugs, “She’s not doing anything though. Keith is the only one putting in so much effort and takes care of Catarina the most.”
“I can’t believe this. I can’t believe you are not all aboard on the Maria x Catarina ship. Don’t talk to me.”
“You are the one who invited me over to watch this anime, hyungie. Without me, you don’t have anyone to yell at while watching this harem anime.”
“Shush you. Stop bringing logic into this and support me on my petition.”
Namjoon slyly smiles, “Are you admitting that Maria and Catarina aren’t endgame if we are already starting this petition.”
“You know what? Take this!” Namjoon bursts into tiny giggles, getting attacked and tickled-tortured by none other than his hyung. They are in their comfortable pajamas, limbs tangled over each other on the floor with blankets, pillows, and stuffed animals surrounding them as they watch anime on Seokjin’s gigantic flat screen tv.
Yep, Namjoon is spending yet another night at Seokjin. If he were to tell a stranger how many times a week he spends the night at Seokjin’s place, one would just tell him to move in there. This got Namjoon thinking. What is so complicated about this situation?
If he really thinks about it, thinks about the nature of his and Seokjin’s relationship, they are practically dating. Namjoon basically lives in Seokjin’s apartment, having his own set of tooth brush, bath robes, and bed there. They basically go to work together every day, and they almost always have dinner together (whether it be at the penthouse or at a restaurant) after they’re done with their schedules.
Basically, they spend most of their free time with each other. The only difference between them and a couple is probably the label. And that they don’t engage in physical affection (though they do cuddle sometimes).
So, all they have to do is put a label to their relationship, and nothing would really change. Besides maybe doing the actual couple stuff like kissing, holding hands, sex–
Suddenly, Namjoon feels hot all over and pushes his hyung from his body, blood rushing to his ears in embarrassment. He can’t believe he’s getting all hot and embarrassed at the mere thought of his hyung like that— he’s a grown, experienced man for crying out loud. It’s normal to fantasize and drool over a very attractive man like Seokjin, he scolds himself.
“Hey, you okay?” Seokjin suddenly asks, growing serious. Namjoon looks at him, confused. The elder points to his face, “You’re a little red right now. Are you not feeling well?”
Oh. Namjoon didn't realize he was blushing that furiously. He doesn’t know if he turned any redder, but the heatness to his cheeks felt hotter. And the beating against his chest only increases in speed as the silence lingers. It seems as if Seokjin is quickly catching on to the awkwardness and the tension in the air, so the singer clears his throat and mutters a quiet apology.
“I’ll go get us some cold drinks then. I am getting quite thirsty so I’ll be right back—”
“No hyung. Can we talk? Please?” Namjoon hears Seokjin draw in a breath. The sounds of the TV quickly drowns out, but the elder wordlessly pauses the show. And now, the silence was even louder than before.
“What is that you want to talk about, Namjoon-ah?” Seokjin asks softly, placing himself directly in front of Namjoon.
Namjoon recalls the words his therapist told him a week ago.
Tell your feelings to Seokjin. If you are ready and willing to trust him, share your fears, worries, and your developing feelings to him.
Was he ready? He didn't know back then, still doesn’t know even now. But what Namjoon knows is that he is tired of holding back. He is getting a little tired of feeling like he’s tied down to his past, tied down to his fears, and tied down to him. He wants to be freed. He wants to be freed from the shackles of the wounds that person inflicted on him. Because in his eyes, happiness is sitting right in front him. It has been sitting, waiting, and calling out to him for an entire year now. He can see it clearly. The hand stretching out to him. All Namjoon has to do is take it.
Of course, while happiness is in the form of Seokjin, Namjoon has to acknowledge the big, dark, unknown behind him. The eerie, terrifying, what if that comes with Seokjin and his outstretched hand.
What if this is yet another mistake? What if down the road, Seokjin grows tired of him? What if their love isn’t strong enough? What if this ends up like another Taehyung .
Taehyung. The name Namjoon refused to utter out loud since that day. That name that had the power to paralyze Namjoon for hours– the single trigger that is able to bring forth all the psychological trauma he tried to overcome the past year.
The man Namjoon had once loved his entire being, the man he offered his heart to on a silver plate. The man who swore promises of life full of love, the one who Namjoon exchanged vows with for forever. And yet, it took only one whisper of temptation for the man to turn around, leaving him to bleed while going to another man’s arms.
Again, the man’s name is Taehyung. Kim Taehyung.
“Not Kim Seokjin,” Namjoon says, barely a whisper.
In real time, Seokjin cocks an eyebrow in confusion. “Hm? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”
With eyes filled with determination, Namjoon takes a deep, stuttering breath before asking quietly a simple question. “Why me?”
It may have been a simple question, only needing two words and all, but as Namjoon expected, Seokjin was at a loss for words.
So, Namjoon adds, “You could have anyone, hyung. You’re the world’s silver voice, nation’s beloved son-in-law. You could have had someone like a wealthy CEO, a drop-dead gorgeous actor or actress, or even a foreign superstar would love to have you. But instead, you stayed single for a year and waited for someone broken like me. W-why?” By the end, Namjoon couldn’t stop the tears running down his eyes, realizing how indeed, Seokjin never once took interest in anyone else over the past year. Never once did he remember the elder telling him that he went on a date, looked for a hookup, or anything of that matter. But instead, Namjoon recalls Seokjin's unyielding conviction in staying in Namjoon’s life. More than thrice did Seokjin have to chase Namjoon down and convince him to let him stay in his life. Through each outburst, arguments, or attempts of fleeing to another country, Seokjin never gave up and proved to Namjoon that he was there to stay.
Seokjin leans in a little to brush a couple of tears from Namjoon’s face. The younger of the two automatically leans in to the touch, heart bursting in content, gratitude, and feeling loved above all.
To that, he sees his hyung smile beautifully, explaining in a soft voice, “Because you’re worth it. That’s all. I’m someone who puts everything in, all my blood, sweat, and tears, on something or someone I believe is worth it. And you, Kim Namjoon. I can wait for another year, two years, five years if I have to if I get to have you in the end. And for your information, please don't say you’re broken. You’re perfect. That asshole can never and will never taint something as beautiful as you.”
It was all too much. Namjoon curls himself into a ball, both hands covering his face and his entire upper body scrunched inwards. He tried to contain the sobs he was letting out, but wasn’t doing a good job. He immediately feels strong arms circling around him, holding him steadily as he continues to cry into his hands.
“Namjoooon, why are you crying? Don’t cry, you’re going to make me cry…”
“Hyung, you’re too good. You’re too good for me, I can’t. I don’t deserve you, and I don’t know if I can return even half as much as you did for me–”
Warm set of hands suddenly grab hold on top of his own, and now Namjoon is eye to eye with Seokjin, their faces only inches apart. In a nagging sort of tone, Seokjin shakes his head, “Nuh uh. Nope, not again. We already went over this. What happens if you tell me the words ‘I don’t deserve you’?”
Even with tears pouring out from his eyes, Namjoon lets out a wavering chuckle. “T-that I owe you 5000 won every time I say it?”
“Yep, so pay up. We discussed this already that we deserve each other. You always tolerate and indulge in my shenanigans, no matter how childish they may be. You being a dramatic ass is really nothing compared to my sassiness. Plus, I would have lost my job long ago without you covering for me and my rebellious nature against the company. We make up for each other. Can’t you see?”
Namjoon only sniffles in response. Seokjin fondly squeezes Namjoon’s cheeks before laughing at the younger’s whines. He gets up abruptly to grab some tissues, and then hands them to Namjoon who wipes his eyes and nose furiously.
After a minute, Namjoon hears Seokjin bluntly demands, “Hello, I need my money. You owe me, remember?”
From this, Namjoon groans while rolling his eyes, “Really, hyung? I’m feeling so overwhelmed and my heart is feeling so full from all the sweet words you said to me earlier, and you just ruined it all with your silly demeanor. Honestly, why do I like you so much?”
Seokjin ears perk in interest as Namjoon realizes a little too late to what he had just confessed.
“Wait, are you serious? You really like me?”
Namjoon stares at Seokjin almost with an unimpressed look.
“Of course I do. How could I not? You are so funny, charming, handsome… And then you are also the most stubborn I ever met who can’t take no for an answer. You get treated horribly yet you still pursue that person who should have been the one on their knees for your forgiveness. You really are a menace, but even still, I like that about you. I like everything about you, and you are the best thing that happened to me.”
This time, it was Seokjin’s ears that turned bright red after Namjoon’s confession. Then, Seokjin bravely pushes himself into Namjoon’s personal bubble, causing the younger to shyly look down to avoid Seokjin’s intense eyes.
“You like me.” Seokjin states in a low, deep voice.
Namjoon almost shivers. Unable to find his voice at the moment, Namjoon simply nods. He then hears a sigh of relief.
“I thought I had the friend zone curse this entire time.”
Namjoon snaps his head up to glare at his hyung with an offended look while Seokjin tips his head back and laughs obnoxiously.
“Hyung, I can’t believe you. I have to be stupid to not fall for you, and also, can you be serious just for five minutes? How can you take this situation lightly when my heart is literally about to burst right now?”
It only takes a second for Seokjin to stop his laughter, and the shift in his eyes intensifies. He apologizes, “I’m sorry Namjoon, but I’ll be more serious now. It’s just that I’m nervous too. This is my way of trying to calm down my nerves, so I’m sorry if it seems like I’m taking light of this situation.”
Namjoon’s eyes soften and he boldly reaches for Seokjin’s hand. “It’s okay, hyung. I know and appreciate you trying to brighten the mood, but right now, I need you to be on the same page with me.”
Seokjin leans in closer and nods slowly. “Okay. I can do that. What are your thoughts right now, Namjoon? Hyung will listen.”
Namjoon swallows down all the nerves that had been building up till now. It’s now or never, and he feels like he’s more ready than ever.
“Seokjin hyung I… As you know now I… I really like you. I still can’t believe you also return my feelings, and that’s one thing I have to work on. My self-esteem that is. But the thing is… I’m scared. I’m so scared, hyung. I’m not just scared of taking our relationship further. I’m scared of my feelings for you. I’m sorry.”
Namjoon lets out a choke cry, alarming Seokjin who was already scooping Namjoon into his arms, whispering hushed, comforting words to his ear.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay. You’re okay. You’re all good. I understand, so please don’t be sorry.”
“B-but I feel so bad. You deserve so much more, hyungie. And I don’t know if I can give you what you deserve. I really like you, m-maybe even close to loving you even, but I’m just so afraid.”
Namjoon closes his eyes briefly when he feels Seokjin’s hand at the back of his head, pulling them together with no space between their foreheads. In a gentle whisper, Seokjin says to Namjoon, “Namjoon, you don’t know how happy it makes me feel to hear that you are close to loving me. That’s more than enough for me. I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to think about starting a relationship after… You know. I think it’s brave of you for telling me all this, and I am so thankful. We can take it slow. We can still be the same way we are right now. I don’t want you to feel pressured, but know that I am so proud of you for how far you have come. Seeing you overcoming all the hardships you faced… nothing can make me more content than seeing you coming out strong and happy.”
The younger makes yet another distressed noise. “You’re… You’re such a sap. The absolute worst. You need to stop, my heart can’t take it anymore. Why are you like this?” Namjoon whimpers, more tears shedding from eyes.
Seokjin only smiles, wiping the salty tears trailing down Namjoon’s eyes. “Hmm? Like what?”
Namjoon sniffles again. “You… You’re just… you’re just so perfect. You know when to push, when to pull back, know exactly what to say… You just seem so unreal. How are you this understanding and selfless?” Namjoon’s heart does little jump hearing Seokjin’s soft giggles.
He sees Seokjin shaking his head in disagreement, saying, “No, I’m far from being perfect, Joon-ah. Only around you is when I think I’m a good person. You keep me in check. Just earlier, I was taking too lightly of a serious situation, but you were there to remind me and ground me in. And to be honest, if I were to only think about myself, I would have confessed my feelings months ago and tried to take you out on a date way too soon. But, meeting you, I learned to be more considerate. I saw how thoughtful you are, towards others, towards those who don’t deserve it, and then towards me… it really inspired me. That’s why I pushed aside my selfish feelings and tried to be patient. You make me a better person, and I love you for that.”
Namjoon can only suck in his breath, speechless and completely spellbound by the man in front of him. He stared into Seokjin’s eyes; Seokjin stared right back. A full minute passes, and Namjoon is still staring at his hyung’s breathtaking face. There was only about a 3 inch gap between their lips, but neither had made a move to close the distance. For now, Namjoon was in a bliss just to be able to consume the beautiful sight in front of him with his eyes. His heart hasn’t stopped pounding like crazy, and he is sure his cheeks are still cherry red based on how hot they are feeling.
Yet, he couldn't break eye contact with Seokjin. There was something so intimate and special with just gazing at something so mesmerizing, in this case, someone not only just mesmerizing, but someone Namjoon loves. Yes. Namjoon finds the courage in himself to finally admit officially that he has completely fallen for Kim Seokjin– he is utterly in love with him.
Perhaps he is not ready to say it out loud or act upon it, but for now… this is good enough.
“Will it be okay for you to wait a little longer? Will you still stay by my side if I don’t have an answer right now?” Namjoon says so softly, it barely comes out a whisper.
Without hesitation, Seokjin responds just as softly, “I am not going anywhere. I will be right here, wherever you are.”
“I’m still scared.”
“I know. That’s okay. I will be there with you with every step of the way.”
Namjoon’s lips form the biggest smile he has pulled ever since his life turned around last year. “I… I maybe, perhaps, really like you, hyung. It’s actually more than that. It’s the opposite of hate. Yeah. I hate you, but the opposite.” Namjoon joins in alongside Seokjin’s bursts of laughter. Namjoon had just said something Seokjin would typically say in a joking manner.
Smiling bigger than ever, Seokjin tells Namjoon. “Me too, Namjoon. I feel the same. I hate you too, so much. Opposite meaning, of course.”
One day, Namjoon hopes he can express aloud what he really means instead of having to say it in such a ridiculous manner. Maybe, sometime in the future, he will tell Seokjin the three words he once reserved to someone else exclusively in the past:
“I love you.”