Chapter Text
Louis tried his best to distract his mind, from his thoughts, his worries, and his pain. He continued to stare at the ground in front of him through teary eyes as his head lay sideways resting on his shoulder. He watched several sets of different feet scurry around him, their voices hazy as he tried his hardest to block them all out. He closed his eyes in the hopes of drowning out the sounds but all he could hear were words his subconscious would never let him forget.
' Scalpel ready.'
' The head is out.'
' He looks healthy.'
But nothing compared to the sound of his little baby boy, whose scream suddenly echoed throughout the delivery room.
His lip trembled, as he cupped his own mouth in hopes of not letting himself break down, not here, not in front of anyone.
He knew this day was going to be hard. He had been dreading this moment for a full 9 months. He had a birthing plan in place and had somewhat prepared himself for the heartache which was to follow this heart-wrenching day. So he was shocked when out of the blue, he felt someone place the baby on his chest unexpectantly.
It's true the saying that babies have a specific smell because Louis's nose was filled with the scent. He could feel his tiny boy's skin pressing through his hospital gown.
He squeezed his eyes shut tightly without turning his head. His own heart beating uncontrollably with anxiety.
" No No No please take him away. "
he begged in agony, with no hope of concealing his tears any longer as he felt his cheeks become increasingly drenched with the water now escaping his eyes.
" Oh God please take him away" he continued to cry.
What the hell was happening? One of Louis' instructions was that he was not to see or feel his child and he was to be taken out of the room immediately to the adoptive parent in the waiting room.
Out of natural instinct, Louis lifted his hand in an attempt to gently ' shoo ' it away. His heart broke as his hand made contact with a tiny soft fist. In such a quick motion the baby had latched onto Louis' little pinky. This wasn't supposed to happen. He retracted his hand immediately but only after he felt himself gently caress the little boy's finger.
" Remove him now. "
A man's loud voice shouted fulfilling the room, presumably the surgeon.
Instantly Louis felt the small weight lifted from him, the sound of a baby crying slowly becoming faint.
Louis was met with a reassuring voice, that of his case worker Melissa who had clasped her hand into his.
" Louis love I'm so sorry that wasn't supposed to happen, oh my god I'm so sorry."
It wasn't her fault but that of the replacement nurse who was called to theatre only moments prior to delivery. Clearly, she had not been informed of the adoption procedure currently in place. Louis tried to gently smile at Melissa but instead started to cry.
" Let it out, love. "
Melissa gently stroked Louis' hair as he looked to the ceiling and sobbed.
" You made the right decision for you Louis. I just wish I had gotten here sooner. I feel terrible you had to endure all of this alone. "
Melissa truly had no idea how much her presence alone was consoling him because she was right. He was all alone. He had no family anymore, the only person he still stayed in contact with was his sister Lotti, but he never told her about his pregnancy as he knew she would make him change his mind regarding the adoption. He lost all his friends when he split from his so-called ex ' boyfriend' evidently the baby's father. The only friends he had were joint friends with Marcus and since their split, he hadn't seen or heard from any of them.
" It hurts Mel."
Louis cried as he clung to his chest.
Louis hyperventilated as he continued to wipe tears from his cheeks. Melissa tried to stay professional, but it wasn't easy. Louis had crept into her heart, his circumstances pulling at her heartstrings. She turned her face away from Louis and wiped her own tear in an attempt to conceal her emotions.
" Remember why you are doing this love. You are one of the strongest and bravest 18-year-old boys I have ever known. I'm so proud of you."
******************
Louis spent the next five days in the hospital. Melissa visited him daily to check up on his emotional and physical well-being. Besides Melissa, there was no -one else. No one to ask if he was ok. No one to give him a cuddle. No one to provide a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to.
He was lonely but, in his mind, that was how it had to be, he didn't want to burden anyone anymore. He could feel himself becoming depressed and all those doubts about his baby were slowly and surely starting to crawl back, even when he knew it was already too late.
No matter how hard he tried he couldn't sleep. His eyes felt extremely heavy and sore, and he consistently yawned but every time he closed his eyes.... he heard it.
The cry.
He prayed to God, he would forget it. He didn't want the reminder of how hard it was to turn away from his son but in the end, he didn't want to forget, forget the very noise that reignites the guilt that consumes him. The sound had now embedded into his brain. The high pitch tone that even though he had only heard it once was now the most blessed and precious memory now locked away in the pit of his heart.
Throughout his pregnancy, he did everything in his power to not get attached to the life growing inside of him. He never acknowledged the kicks and movements. Not once did he touch his expanding stomach, nor did he ever look in the mirror.
Don't misread the situation. Louis has always wanted children; he has always been fond of babies. However, after being beaten and raped by his boyfriend Marcus while in the presence of Marcus' best mate Toby in a brutal rape display, discovering his pregnancy was not an exciting occasion.
The idea of a baby growing inside him from his ex-made him gag. He knew deep down inside that it wasn't the baby's fault, he was only an innocent product formed from a traumatic experience.
He really tried in the beginning.
He really did, he often told himself.
' The baby didn't do it, Marcus did.'
He even tried to buy a pregnancy book to read but he left the shop before purchasing it. It was just all too difficult, every time he thought of anything baby-related he saw Marcus and with that memory repeatedly filling his mind, he was only reminded of the pain he had suffered.
He couldn't help but wonder how he could possibly find himself loving a baby that could resemble Marcus, who would be a constant reminder of the worse night of his life. He loved that baby, so much so, he wanted them to go to a stable home. To be with someone who could look him in the eyes and only see nothing but love and that...was something Louis, unfortunately, couldn't give him.
On his first visit with Melissa, he made the decision. It was already set in stone. Melissa explained that he needed time to think rationally before making a proper decision but there was no convincing him and from that moment on, no matter how many times he wanted to rub his belly when he felt a kick or how desperately he wanted to buy baby clothes, he pushed it all to the furthest part of his mind and focused on how to stay distant from his growing baby, because if he didn't get attached to him, in his eyes, it wouldn't hurt as much letting him go. If only he had known how untrue that really was.
******************
~ 4 Years later ~
Time has gone very slowly for Louis. Every day, every night has been repetitive.
Wake, Work, Eat, Sleep, repeat.
The things that once made Louis smile and thrive were now non-existent. He no longer left his apartment or engaged with anyone. His life was somber, there was a massive void that couldn't be filled, and Louis knew why. When days turned into weeks and weeks into months and months into years, the same emptiness he felt never went away. The ache in his chest felt as strong as it did that sad day many years ago.
This day was the worse.
28th September.
His son's birthday.
Like every previous year, Louis opened up his closet and reached for the box. He doesn't know why he does it or maybe he does. He wants to feel the guilt and be reminded of how much of an asshole he feels for abandoning his baby.
He lifts the lid and pulls out the only item he has. The only thing that ties him to his baby.
Already he feels the tears swelling and the familiar ache in his stomach. He doesn't know why he kept this, he didn't even tell anyone he took it, not even Melissa.
He takes a deep breath knowing that the moment he sees it, the memories are going to overwhelm him.
He unfolds the hospital gown he had worn during his c-section. Like normal, his eyes automatically find the blood stains of where his baby once briefly laid.
He brought the gown to his nose slightly inhaling but nothing. The newborn smell over time had vanished.
He folds it back up and carefully places it back inside. He walks over to his bedside table opening the middle drawer. He pulls open the folder and reads over his copy of the adoption file.
He glances at his wishes for the adoptive parent.
● Not a condition but rather a wish. I know I have no right, but I've always thought of him as a ' Lachlan'. You do not have to use the name, that decision is entirely all yours. Maybe a middle name?
Louis loved the name. For as long as he can remember, he had always planned to name a son Lachlan. As his eyes scanned the paper he read over his agreements.
● Louis does not wish to meet the prospective parent.
● Louis only wishes that the baby will go to someone who will love him unconditionally as their own.
● Louis doesn't mind traditional couples, gay/ lesbian couples or single parents. No one is to be turned down due to their relationship status. As long as they are financially stable and have a clean record and five-star references.
● Louis wishes for a closed adoption.
No contact is to be made, pre- or post-delivery.
● Once the baby is born, the selected parent will automatically be placed with the baby and must leave the hospital immediately after signing relevant forms.
● Louis wishes no contact with the baby once born. No skin-to-skin contact. No holds. He does not wish to view said baby. Baby to be removed from the room once born.
● Louis wishes to leave a note for new parent/s
● Louis wishes to leave a note for future baby only to be read once baby reaches of age (18)
Louis falls backwards onto his bed, and he lets out a frustrated sigh. He spends a few minutes pulling himself back together before making his way to the bathroom to splash some much-welcomed water to his face to freshen up.
Unsure of what has driven the decision and keeping his eyes on his reflection, he backs away from the mirror to fully examine himself.
For the first time in 4 years, Louis lifts his jumper and comes face to face with his scar. He traces his finger along the line and stops when once again he tastes his salty tears.
Hopping into bed, he feels uneasy. He can't stay still. He tosses and turns around in the sheets as thoughts fill his mind.
' What does he look like?'
' What was his first word?'
' I wonder what his favorite food is?'
' What time does he go to bed?'
' I hope he is well loved. '
Louis makes a decision and not lightly.
He wants to find his baby.
Tomorrow Louis will start his journey of reuniting with his son.... hopefully.
He understands that it's not going to be easy, and it may not turn out the way he expects but at this point in time, he is willing to try anything to mend his wrong choices. It's not a want it's a need. He needs to see his son... How things will turn out he isn't sure, but his ready to find out.
In the end, we discover that to 'love' and to 'let go' can be one of the same.