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Ness had hated Kaiser plenty, but he’d never hated him quite that much. He still felt the rough grip on the back of his head as he’d forced him into that bow, the sting of the drink being thrown in his face in an action done like it was nothing. He wanted to kill Isagi when he thought about it. The intensity of it all was brand new.
All of this, Kaiser knew. But he wasn’t worried about it. He had his own foul proof way of fixing things that he broke when it came to Ness.
Kaiser watched as he attempted, unsuccessfully, to fight off tears, and he’d let him storm off. He made himself another drink and sipped it slowly while Ness was slipping into an exhausted, anger fueled sleep. He was always more agreeable when he’d just woke up.
Kaiser slid into Ness’s room some few hours later. He closed the door behind him with a click and made no effort of softening his footsteps. Even so, Ness didn’t stir. Kaiser lay down beside Ness, taking note of his flushed face and the tear stains on his pillow. Kaiser knew this sight well, but he still took a moment to admire it. There was something painfully pathetic about Ness in these moments, but Kaiser found it beautiful nonetheless.
Real shame he had to ruin it. He gripped a hand full of Ness’s hair at the back of his head and lifted him off the mattress by it.
“Ness,” Kaiser said. It was a whisper, but just barely. “Ness.”
A gasp came from the other side of Ness’s head. It made Kaiser smile. It always did. Another predictable happenstance: Ness didn’t react beyond that gasp. But the gasp told him enough.
“I know you’re awake,” Kaiser said.
Using the hand full of his hair, he pulled Ness into himself and against his chest before letting go so he could hold him in place. So he could press his hardening dick into Ness’s ass and rub it against him. Kaiser did this for a minute or two. Ness still didn’t move. Kaiser sighed and reached down for Ness, not at all surprised to find him hard as well.
“Nice try, Ness.”
Ness finally groaned, a mixture of pleasure and defeat both.
“That’s better,” Kaiser told him. His hand continued to play with Ness through his boxers. “I know you’re pissed. I’ve come to fix you.”
“You can’t just fuck me every time I’m mad at you and expect me to forgive you,” Ness said. He often said something of this caliber right before he gave in. Kaiser always found it endearing.
“Of course I can,” he said back. “Watch me.”
Kaiser reached his hand around and held it palm up in front of Ness’s mouth. Ness knew what he wanted. He knew the whole drill well. He waited regardless.
“Spit,” Kaiser eventually told him. Ness spat into it. It was both lazy and rebellious. “You can do better than that.”
The condescension came easily. Of course it did. It had taken up residence on Kaiser’s tongue the entire night. That’s what usually got them here in the first place.
Ness considered, as he normally did at least once over the course of these sessions, of giving up rather than giving in. Kaiser’s hand didn’t move. It just sat there, displaying another instance of his inadequacy in the dim light.
“You know it’s all you’re going to get,” Kaiser told him.
This too, Ness knew. He spat again, and this time, he meant it. His saliva tasted like defeat.
“That’s better,” Kaiser told him.
Ness loathed how much that meant to him, mostly because he knew how little it should of. He judged himself plenty in this relationship of theirs, and never more when he knew how desperately he craved even scraps of Kaiser’s attention. Did he not deserve better? Did he not deserve more?
He didn’t want better or more. He wanted Kaiser and the ecstasy he got feeling his hand slide down the back of boxers, spreading the slickness of his own saliva over him. You know it’s all you’re going to get. It’s all he needed. He was already spreading his legs, arching his back, pressing back into Kaiser’s chest. It wasn’t all the way mindful, but those actions weren’t necessarily all involuntary either.
“Let’s open you up,” Ness heard next.
Kaiser didn’t hesitate. He never did. Once his ass was wet enough, emphasis on enough, Kaiser pressed a finger into Ness, right up to the second knuckle in one go. Ness hissed.
“Oh, come on,” Kaiser said. “You can take it.”
He could, and he would. Kaiser pulled his finger back, slicked it more, and slid it right back inside. The pain was there, and Ness reacted to it, but he was used to it. He didn’t have a choice. He wouldn’t have long of this, he knew. Worse, he didn’t mind. He liked it, even. The way one does when one’s beloved has a love that expresses itself in pain.
Kaiser continued to pump his finger in and out of Ness’s ass in the same technical and obligatory manner Ness had come to expect. It was a chore and Kaiser had long given up on hiding this, but even so, Ness groaned and leaned into it further. More saliva was wetting his finger and sliding into him, lessening the friction. He barely had time to relax before Kaiser was adding another, He’d barely taken a breath before there was a third.
“Fuck.”
Ness’s hands clutched the blanket that was lying underneath it. Not even he knew whether that was an expression of pleasure or of resistance.
“Come on,” Kaiser said.
Ness closed his eyes. It hadn’t always been like this between the two of them, but it always was now. He figured part of him should be grateful. After all, part of the reason he knew this whole process so well was because it happened so often. Some weeks, Kaiser slipped into Ness’s bed more nights than not. He should be grateful for that closeness, the frequency of it. He was, almost, if he willingly ignored that it happened so often because Ness was so often furious with him.
Kaiser pulled his hand back. “Take these off.”
This request too, Ness obeyed. He pulled his boxers clean off instead of down, knowing that them getting in the way in any respect was of utmost annoyance and therefore something to be avoided at all costs.
Over his shoulder, Ness heard Kaiser spitting into his own hand. Yet another wordless dig at how little he measured up. An action that screamed you weren’t good enough. He heard the sound a few times, and each one felt like a gunshot. It left this hollow, worthless feeling inside of him.
Until Kaiser pulled Ness in, and asked, “Ready?”
It almost sounded considerate, almost non-rhetorical. This small bit of kindness set Ness’s heart ablaze, and he loved Kaiser all over again.
The question was rhetorical, however, so Ness didn’t answer. He just moved himself up and onto his knees, setting them exactly the right distance apart, adjusting his back and his arms to create the best angle, prepping himself as Kaiser got behind him, lining himself up. There was something deeply disturbing about this too. How much Ness’s pleasure hinged on Kaiser’s as a prerequisite. But Ness didn’t have the capacity to explore that thought. Excitement took precedence.
During this part, Kaiser was kinder. Not by much, but enough for Ness to notice. Enough to feel it as they became one, inch by inch, enough to savor the sting instead of being taken off his feet by it. He loved everything about it, even the painful and the fucked up. This part was like a coming home, and maybe the house he was returning to was haunted, but it was his nonetheless.
Once he’d worked himself all the way inside, Kaiser let out the same characteristic hum of satisfaction. Ness’s stomach clenched and his closed his eyes in anticipation for the part that came next.
“Still mad at me?” Kaiser asked.
Yes, was the first thought, almost nearly overtaken by, of course not. Ness had long since stopped wondering if he was going insane when confronted with the tornado his thoughts became in response to that question, simply because he’d made peace with the fact that Kaiser had drove him entirely off the deep end a while ago. It may have been more intense than he was used to, but the general insanity was just part of it, so while he didn’t answer out loud, he leaned into the responses in his mind.
Yes, I’m fucking furious with you. I fucking hate you. I hate you for making me feel this way. I hate you for spending so much time on Isagi when I deserve it more. I’ve been with you longer, haven’t I? I’ve done more. I’ve done better. What the hell has he done to deserve you that I haven’t done tenfold? I’ll kill him, and I’ll fucking kill you too.
Maybe that was a little dramatic. Of course, I forgive you. We all make mistakes. We all fuck up. We all lose our tempers. The alcohol didn’t sting my eyes that badly. I’m used to you pushing me around. I like it, don’t I? It’s fine. It’s no big deal. You’re here now. You’re making it up to me, just like you always do. I’ll always forgive you. I love you so much.
The line between wishful thinking and delusion was a blurry one indeed.
With the blinding insanity that these thoughts brought came the physical pleasure of Ness’s body as it finished giving in. It wasn’t just Kaiser’s opening him up, finding the spot, and continuously drilling into it. It was the hand that found Ness’ hip, the one that clutched his shoulder, the brush of the thumb across his skin.
It was the hand that reached to stroke his hair instead of pull it. It was the way Kaiser pulled Ness up as he fucked him, forced his shirt over his head, and lay soft bites and kisses on his shoulder.
Wait. No, it wasn’t. He was trying too hard. It shattered the entire illusion.
Ness was immediately transported back to the viewing area where he’d stumbled upon Kaiser watching Isagi with an interest and desperation he’d never seen from him. He’d seen plenty of hunger from Kaiser. He knew full well the way he made a meal of someone. This ferocity though, it changed everything. It felt that way, anyways. He was right back to self loathing and disgust. Would you be with Isagi right now if he’d take you?
Ness opened his mouth to voice that thought. Kaiser’s hand moved from his shoulder to his mouth before he had a chance.
“Don’t ruin this with whatever you’re about to say,” he said.
That was an answer in and of itself.
Ness bit his bottom lip until he tasted blood, swallowing it down with the rest of his unvoiced thoughts and regrets. The hand pulled back from his mouth and instead reached around the front of him, wrapping itself around his pre-cum soaked dick. At this point, Ness would have begged for Kaiser’s fingers to brush him. As he gripped and stroked him, he was pulled into the fantasy to drown within it once more.
“You’re close,” Kaiser said after a while. “Aren’t you?”
The answer to this question had no associated confusion. It was always yes. This was largely because it was less a question and more an instruction to hurry it along. Ness closed his eyes and went to the part of his mind that would help him comply.
Things really hadn’t always been like this between them. They’d once been good. Great, even. When they’d first started playing together, Ness had been the perfect counterpart and compliment, and Kaiser had been so quick to tell him so. In these times, the nights weren’t for repairing things but enjoying and exploring each other. Believe it or not, there had once been a time when Ness had not been moaning to basic courtesy, but instead heard Kaiser tell him things like I missed you, I’ve been thinking about this all day, fuck, you feel so good.
It was here that Ness returned to in order to send himself over the edge.
His orgasm always came on with a slight deviation in his breath. Ness considered it subtle enough, but much like himself, Kaiser knew the drill well enough to recognize it. He was celebrating for himself before it had even really started.
“There you go,” he told Ness.
It sounded somewhat like he was offering a gift, but Ness could hear the condescension well enough for it to be clear it was but a task he’d completed. This part was what Ness considered rock bottom of their nights together. His pleasure dissipated and his clarity came flooding in, blaring like a flood light over how pathetic he’d let himself become.
The worst part, hands down, was that Kaiser didn’t pull back. He just waited, offering Ness the slightest bit of recovery time before his grip tightened on his hip and he was shoving his shoulder blades down until his chest and neck became pressed into the mattress.
“My turn,” Kaiser said.
Most of their apology fuck sessions weren’t even about Ness, really. Most of it was just about Kaiser keeping him tired and satisfied enough to keep him from irritating him. It was largely and pathetically successful. But this part, after Ness had come, wasn’t about him in the slightest.
This was when Kaiser’s hunger and brutality really came out. The pace at which he shoved himself into Ness was ruthless and deep. It was a miracle really, that this happened without any regard for Ness’s pleasure, because he needed his entire awareness to keep himself upright head and his head from smashing into the wall.
It may not have been about his pleasure at all, but it’s not to say he didn’t derive any from this part. He did indeed enjoy it. This was a time when he was not an annoyance, an afterthought, something to be dealt with. He became a vessel for Kaiser’s pleasure, and in that, entirely useful. In that respect, he almost enjoyed this part more. Ness knew what that said about him and he didn’t care to look at it for too long.
“Fuck,” Kaiser said, like he always did. His grip tightened, and he shoved himself into Ness one final time, his dick twitching as it unloaded into him. “Here.”
Here. Like this too had been some great gift.
“Thanks,” Ness said. It was habit. Something he’d once done because it was playful and hot that had since become quite sad.
Kaiser didn’t respond. He didn’t even laugh or hum as he pulled himself out of Ness and pulled his pants back up. He climbed off the bed effortlessly and meaninglessly, like he’d come in to ask Ness something and the two of them had been doing nothing but sitting there.
“Try to keep it together for a few days at least, eh?” Kaiser told him.
“You’re leaving?” Ness asked.
He shouldn’t have asked. He shouldn’t have even been surprised. He knew that much. But Kaiser usually did him the halfway decent courtesy of laying with him for a minute or two.
“Yeah,” Kaiser answered. It was tired and monotone. Ness would have preferred the emotion and effort of a scoff or even sarcasm. “I’m going back to the viewing room. Night, Ness.”
Kaiser left without another word, and the click of the door shutting had something to final in it that time. It was true that this usually did make Ness feel at least a bit better, but this time, for the first time, he actually felt worse. He kept picturing Isagi’s face up on the big screens, Kaiser’s face as he watched him. Would you be with Isagi right now if he’d take you? The answer bit at Ness, and before he knew it, he was crying again.
Ness had been so angry. Angry enough to kill Isagi, and maybe even kill Kaiser afterwards. But now, there was a dead silent sadness only, and Ness wasn’t sure if it was Isagi he wanted to kill or himself.