Chapter Text
Squeezing your eyes shut does nothing. You can still smell the death surrounding you. You can still hear wheezing last breaths and thunderous rumbles of falling boulders. You can still feel the heavy weight of your horse pressing against your chest. You hold your breath as you finally open your eyes, the blinding light from the sun making seeing difficult.
Just looking up at the sky as your eyes adjust is almost peaceful. How can the sky look so pretty when everything else around you is so horrifically disgusting. Turning your head just slightly to the left reveals the hell you're stuck in. Half of someone, you can't be sure who when they're barely even a torso. A harsh exhale and inhale hurt your lungs, you can only hold your breath for so long. The metallic taste of blood lingers in the air, coating your mouth and throat with it.
Part of you wants to just lay there, wait for the inevitable boulder to land on your head and get you out of this world. The other part of you remembers you're a soldier. You resent that part a little. Crawling out from under a dead horse isn't easy, or pleasant in any sense, but you've done it. Now covered in blood and dirt you wobble on your feet. A quick scan of the area is depressing. No one else survived. Just you in a sea of useless bodies.
Dread brings bile up your throat, you stumble as you swallow it down. Your eyes scan up at the beast titan, he's stopped throwing rocks. Seems Levi has gotten to him, maybe all these sacrifices were worth it. How could anyone ever really tell though. A deep breath, something that's supposed to calm you down but doesn't work, and you're running. Not really sure where to or why, but you just have to. Under your feet are bodies, but you don't look down. Just run. Until your palms press against a wall, sliding down to your knees you press your forehead against the side of the building. Hot, burning tears rip down your cheeks.
"Hey!" A voice from behind you knocks you off balance, you're laying down on your back now, looking up at a face you vaguely remember and on his back is the commander. The redhead holds his hand out toward you, he looks panicked, "he's still breathing. Help me carry him, we can bring him back with that titan shit the captain has" his voice is shaking, his legs are shaking. Maybe it's just your vision shaking.
Getting back on your feet is a chore. Helping your fellow soldier, who you're not sure if you've even properly met before now, is a chore. As the two of you carry Erwin through the ruined town, your brain shuts off. You just let yourself fantasize about a life without titans or titan shifters. Just a peaceful life. Doing anything but carrying a half dead man through a town destroyed for reasons you could never understand.
By the time you snap back to reality you're sitting beside the redhead, he's shouting about something. His voice is all you focus on, ignoring the words and their meaning. Your vision is blurry, and then just blackness.
The sky has turned a deep purple when you awaken. Your head throbbing and your chest sore. Sitting up hurts. Everything hurts.
"You're awake" a soft sigh to your left, when you turn it's Armin. You don't really know him, but you know of him. You've seen him at training and know enough about him to feel sorry for the poor guy. His smile is pretty, you think as you lazily stare at him. He swallows nervously, a little unsure why your staring so much, "Your chest was bleeding a lot" he says after an awkward silence, "Sasha and I did our best to bandage you up" a pink blush dusts his cheeks.
"Oh, thanks" you sigh, turning your attention to the sky, "so pretty" you hum.
"How are you feeling?" He asks, watching nervously as you stumble to your feet.
"I'm not sure" you scan your surroundings, Sasha has fallen asleep, the redhead from earlier is sitting on the edge of the wall, and Armin is sitting on the ground beside your feet.
"You should lay down," Armin says softly, patting the sleeping bag you'd previously been laying in. Reluctantly you oblige, "I'll get you some water, just relax okay?" Armin gets up and walks off, your eyes fall to the back of the redhead, he's not shaking anymore.
"Hey!" You shout, Armin turns but the redhead doesn't. You grab a small rock from beside your sleeping bag and toss it at his back, when he turns to look at you he's pissed.
"What?" He snarls, but you just giggle. The smile on your scrunched face confuses him, "what the hell is your problem?" He's stomping over to you now, fists clenched at his sides as you lay back giggling about how serious he is.
"Floch, she's probably in shock or something. Please just calm down," Armin holds the water out to you as he puts himself in Floch's path. At the sight of Armin Floch's scowl only deepens, all he does is grunt as he stops stomping.
"Thanks" you mumbled about the water, sitting up to drink it. It wasn't until the liquid touched your tongue that you realized how thirsty you were. Armin walked off, opting to sit by Sasha and look out at the ruins as you finished the water.
"The commander died," Floch said quietly, sitting down a few feet away from you, back to you.
"We carried him" you remembered out loud, eyes tracing Floch's frame as the sun fully set in the distance.
"Yeah, we could have saved him" he groaned, "but they used the titan serum on" he trailed off, too angry to finish his sentence.
"Did you get hurt?" You ask, laying down and looking up as stars began to slowly dot the darkening sky.
"Not even a scratch" he chuckled, tone still dark. No one spoke. You just laid in silence wondering why the sky had the audacity to still look so pretty after so much death.
…
It's been a while since you left the scouts. No one blamed you for quitting, at least not out loud. You still got a medal for some reason, you locked it away in a drawer. Looking at it just hurt. You never really wanted to join the military in the first place, but at the time it just seemed like the right thing to do. What else was there to do? Now you're working at your family's shop, selling flowers. Too bad you can't smell them anymore. Ever since that day there's only one thing you can smell. Just blood, at all times. No matter how many flowers you surround yourself with, that metallic smell persists.
Sometimes Armin stops by the flower shop, he always buys a flower or two. At first you thought he may have been stopping by because he had a thing for you, but he mentioned something about how he brings the flowers to some girl named Annie. Even though you had no interest in him you prefered him having a crush on you more than him just feeling pity for you.
Leaning back in your chair you stretch your arms over your head, the bouquet you'd been working on looked perfect. It smelled like blood, but it looked beautiful. Whoever the lucky person receiving it was would probably be thrilled. You sat waiting for whoever was picking it up, your father left you alone with the shop for this last customer. This last customer who was running late.
Annoyed, you tap your finger on the counter, it was already dark outside and you were ready to curl up in bed with a book. Finally the chime of the door opening. You snapped a frustrated look in the direction of the door, a familiar face. The redhead, Floch, was his name. You rolled your eyes, who knew all the men in the scouts had girlfriends.
"Apologies for being late" he said in a stern voice, not one that actually sounded sorry though, "training ran late, I thought it would be rude not to wash up before coming into town" his steps were heavy as he moved through the small flower shop.
"Well I hope your girlfriend isn't sleeping by the time you get these to her" you huffed, taking his money and handing him the bouquet.
"Girlfriend?" He sounded almost offended as he raised a brow.
"The flowers?" You matched his expression.
"Oh," he stepped back, a smile almost creeping onto his lips before he cleared his throat, "no these are for the commander."
"Oh… Erwin Smith" the name left your lips like a curse.
"It's my first time visiting his grave" Floch's eyes unfocused as he stared somewhere past your head. Both of you stood in the heavy silence for a moment, "have you visited him?" He asked in a whisper.
"I haven't had the time" you lied, diverting your gaze to a small crack in the wall.
"You're closing up shop now right? You can join me" his voice cracked slightly, a nervousness hiding under the stern exterior he was putting on.
"I don't go out late at night with strange men" you scoffed, "I'll get around to it" you sighed.
After that night Floch coming to the shop around closing time became a pretty regular occurrence. Buying a few flowers to bring to his fallen peers and commander, prying at you to join him. You always said no, too ashamed to go anywhere near where whatever of them was buried. You had no idea why Floch kept asking, the two of you barely held a conversation when he came in. Despite playing this game for well over a month you didn't know anything about each other, didn't even get along all that well.
You found Floch to be a bit annoying, pushy and rude most days. He'd openly call you a coward for not visiting Erwin's grave, you agreed with him but never admitted it. Several nights he left the shop shouting at you or you shouting at him. Still, part of you didn't mind it. Part of you felt like you deserved to have someone yelling at you, no one else had the balls to tell you the truth like Floch. You were a coward, you quit. Everyone else just called you brave, thanked you for your service even. You hadn't done a damn thing for them, for anyone.
Most nights you just lay in bed, unable to close your eyes. Knowing as soon as you did all you'd see was that day, those bodies. Your mother would stroke your hair as you cried, shaking in bed hearing the boulders crush bones all around you. It's easier to not sleep. It's easier to just read a book, to stay in the shop late working, doing anything to keep your mind off what it always turns to.
That's how you ended up there now, about to flip the sign on the door to closed. Just as you're about to lock the door as someone pushes it open, "we're closed!" You growl as they over power you, pushing the heavy wooden door open. The heavy rain from outside making a puddle in the doorway as a soaked Floch pushes past you into the shop.
"It started pouring out of nowhere" he groans, shaking his head like a dog. Rain water from his hair splashing on your face.
"I'm closing, get out" you hold the door open, gesturing for him to leave. He clicks his tongue as he removes his jacket.
"Just let me dry off a bit" Floch hangs his forest green jacket on the coat rack, "and close the door, you're letting all the rain in dumbass" with a frustrated sigh you let the door slam shut, locking it so no more wet idiots can get in.
"You have fifteen minutes, whether the rain is coming down harder or stops you're leaving" you stomp back to your chair, picking up a book you've read a few times now. You try to ignore Floch as he grumbles to himself, at the sound of his belt your eyes jolt up, "what the hell are you doing?" You ask, he's stripped down to his undershirt and about to take his pants off.
"My clothes are soaked, I was going to hang them over here to dry" he looks back at you, wet hair dripping on his white tshirt.
"You look like a drowned rat" you chuckle, "leave your pants on, you're alone with a lady. Don't make me call for help" you roll your eyes and return to your book, a collection of poems about birds. The redhead continued to grumble to himself, leaning against the wall across from you. You could feel his eyes on you, waiting for you to look back up at him. It was impossible to read, not while you knew he was just standing there staring at you, but you continued to pretend.
"I've wanted to ask you for awhile" he suddenly broke the slience, you didn't look up or respond in any way, "why did you quit?" He waited for a minute, but you just stared down at a sketch of a bluejay. Floch cleared his throat before walking toward you, each step on the creaking wood floor sent shivers down your spine, "your injury wasn't that bad. You didn't even need stitches" he scoffed, only a few steps away from you. As Floch got in your space he leaned down, hands on either side of you on each arm rest of the wicker chair you sat on.
"Back off" you snarled, eyes still on the bird.
"Was it because you were scared?" He leaned down, swatting the book down before placing his hand back on the arm rest. As you looked up at him your heart pounded against your chest, normally he just beats around the bush and calls you names. He never got to the point like this before.
"Back off" you looked him in his eyes, holding a strong front but he didn't budge.
"No, you weren't scared" he smirked, "you're ashamed of yourself aren't you? You feel pathetic huh?" His eyes narrowed as a cruel smile twisted on his lips, "you feel guilty for surviving and accomplishing nothing, don't you?"
"Shut up, you don't know anything" you meant to yell, but the words came out quiet as you hit him in the chest with the book. With a chuckle he stood up straight, looking down at you like a bug in the dirt.
"I know you're a pathetic bitch" his smug smile illuminated by the lantern lights was frightening, you swallowed unsure where this was going and why it had even begun.