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The nightmare always starts the same way.
She was standing on the battlefield, fighting some sort of alien, hoping this whole thing would be over sooner rather than later.
At that point in time she had not cared how they would win, she had just wanted for their side to be victorious.
Unlike her brother and some others on the battlefield she didn't have any superpowers, apart from her brain, but that did not help her while fighting.
And so she just wished and hoped that one of the Avengers would find a way to end this all soon because she did not know how much longer she could fight.
And then Thanos had the Infinity Stones.
The whole battlefield stopped and just stared at him, waiting, dreading what would happen next because they knew what would happen, what awaited them.
Shuri looked at her brother who was looking right back at her, his mask off.
The fact that she knew what he wanted to tell her just by looking at his eyes told of how strong their connection was.
“We did what we could, we gave our all but sometimes we will fail none the less. Sometimes our all isn't enough... It will be okay. We will see Bapa again and all of our ancestors we never got to meet.”
And in that moment Shuri had given up. There was no happy ending in which they would defeat Thanos.
She turned her head back towards Thanos just in time to see him punch the glowing lady away from himself, using the Power Stone to do so.
And in that moment any hope she might still have had evaporated into nothing.
If the glowing lady who had destroyed an entire ship could do nothing against him now that he had the Stones, then there was no hope for anyone else to do something against his triumph.
And so she waited and watched as Thanos got ready to snap.
He prolonged the whole thing, moving just a fraction slower to make sure everyone knew what was about to happen.
He enjoyed making them wait for their end.
And as he was finally about to snap a red, blue and golden blur came out of nowhere and crashed into him, holding desperately onto his gloved hand.
Shuri just watched and once again found herself in awe of Peter Parker.
Even though everyone else had already given up and had been ready to accept their fate, Peter Parker was not.
It did not matter that he was all alone and that his attempt was only delaying the inevitable, he was still trying, was still giving it his all and in that moment Shuri finally understood, or began to understand, why it was that people called him the amazing Spider-Man.
She had never understood where the amazing Spider-Man had come from, not even after she had met Peter Parker in person. Peter Parker was one of her best friends and if someone wanted to call him amazing she would be one of the first people to support it, but the second Peter Parker put on his Spider-Man mask, he became someone else.
Not in a bad way, not even close, but he was just different.
As Peter Parker he was different than when he put on the red and blue suit.
Peter Parker was, and she said that with love, a nerd through and through. He was shy and insecure, not confident in almost anything he did even though he had one of the most brilliant minds Shuri had ever come across. But unlike his fellow geniuses he did not walk through life as though he was untouchable, as though he was the reason the world was still turning around its axis. No, he walked through life like Peter Parker, there was no one to compare it to because she had never seen someone walk through life quite the same way Peter Parker did. He walked through life with the knowledge that every steep he took could very well be his last one and thus he made every steep with an intention. Every single steep he ever made had an intention behind it, whether he had known it or not.
That was the only thing Spider-Man and Peter Parker had in common.
Everything Spider-Man did was with the intention to save a life, every fight he fought, every time he went out, every time he jumped head first into danger, it was all so that someone else would have the opportunity to life and grow old. Spider-Man was cocky, sure of himself and insecure was not a word anyone would associate with him, ever. Spider-Man was not insecure, had never even been insecure, not even at the very beginning. He had had no experience at all and yet he had been so sure of what he was doing, it had been amazing.
He had taken to saving lives like a duck to water and he had never once faltered.
Shuri knew that Peter Parker as well as Spider-Man moved with purpose and yet she could not understand why he had thought attacking Thanos would change anything. The glowing lady had had no chance against him, now that he had all the stones she could not fathom why Peter thought he could do anything.
It was time for them to accept defeat.
Tearing her eyes away form the heartbreaking sight of Spider-Man trying to beat Thanos all on his own, she looked at all the other heroes on the battlefield.
The fighting had stopped the second Thanos had gotten the Stones and now they were all waiting for their final end.
They watched Spider-Man holding onto the gauntlet and then they watched Thanos throw him off.
They watched Spider-Man flying through the air, landing on the ground and coming to a stop a few meters away from Thanos, laying on his side, breathing heavily.
Thanos sneered at Spider-Man, though Shuri could have sworn that there was something akin to respect in his eyes before he turned away and faced the rest of the heroes again.
He raised his right hand with the gauntlet and the stones and in that moment Shuri knew that it was the end.
It was their end but maybe it could also be the beginning for a whole new universe.
After all, one thing had to end for another thing to come.
And so she prepared for her death.
She closed her eyes and thought about all the things she would not get to experience...
She felt regret for every single one of them.
She opened her eyes just in time to see Thanos slightly smirk as he said “I am inevitable.”
And then he snapped and she stared straight ahead, not wanting to look at her bother or anyone else. She did not want to see anymore people turning to dust than she already had and so she just stared straight ahead at Thanos himself thinking that he would not turn to dust.
But something must not have been right because Shuri was still whole, for lack of a better description.
She had not yet started crumbling and a quick look around told her that everyone else was still standing around, looking as clueless as she felt.
Maybe Thanos had made a slight mistake in using the Stones? Maybe this time around they will not have a quick and peaceful death but a long and painful one?
Those were Shuri's thoughts as she looked back at Thanos, afraid of what facial expression she might find on his face.
But instead of triumph, hatred, or anything similar she only found plain shook and fear written all over his face while staring at his gauntlet, where the Stones should be.
Should, because where they were supposed to be was nothing but emptiness.
Instantly her mind flashed back to the last few seconds of Peter and Thanos fighting, what she had thought to have been a useless attempt at stopping Thanos might not have been useless after all.
Peter had not fought Thanos with everything he had which he would have done had he been inclined to beat him then and there.
Shuri had never seen Peter Parker give it his all, not holding back anything but she knew the day they would see him give his everything would be the day the world would seem to stop turning, for just a few seconds.
Spider-Man had always held back, had never used all the power he had had at his disposal and knowing what he could do while holding back... Shuri could not imagine what he could do if he just stopped holding back and gave it his all and that was slightly terrifying.
She wished she still did not know what Peter Parker was capable of doing should he stop holding back...
No, Peter had always had a different plan.
He had never wanted to beat Thanos with his last and final attack because that would still have left an entire army to fight. His plan had been another and the second Shuri realized the exact plan she wished she had not.
Terrified of what she would see, she let her eyes wander to the place Thanos had thrown Peter, hoping, praying that she would not see what she feared she would see but she knew deep down that all the hoping and praying was useless because Peter was Spider-Man and Spider-Man was Peter.
There was no further explanation.
And just as she had expected it, there he was, kneeling on the ground his right arm in the air, showing the last Infinity Stone falling in place.
In a distant part of her mind, Shuri found herself admiring the almost electricity-like lights crawling up Peter's right arm, emitting from the Infinity Stones themselves. Nobody on the battlefield had known just then that, at that exact moment, they were witnessing a sacrifice that would “haunt” humanity far longer than any of them could ever live. They were watching one of the most crucial points in humanity's history, for that moment on that battlefield against Thanos defied everything that could possibly be and yet it was. What was unfolding right in front of their eyes was never supposed to happen and yet it was happening.
Most of them were unaware of this monumental occurrence and would remain so for the rest of their lives, but all of them felt the importance of that moment and that feeling would never quite leave them even though most of them did not know why that was and most likely never would.
They did not know just then, that they were watching a hero grow into his full potential and far beyond it.
Shuri just knew that she was witnessing the final moments of one of her best friends, Peter Parker and she wanted to rage at the world.
Peter had never had an easy life, filled with so much loss and grief and heartache that it was astonishing that he was not a bitter and cynical person.
Shuri knew that now, as it always was when she had this particular nightmare, things would drastically differ from what had actually happened.
She knew it, she knew the following events to not be true and yet...
Peter's snap was something that had never happened in her nightmare and this time around was not different.
Now, Peter was leaning against the piece of rubble, both of his eyes wide open, never mind that his right eye was staring straight ahead, having taken to much damage from the Infinity Stones.
His last seeing eye found her and he opened his mouth to speak words that would tear Shuri apart from the inside out, even though by now she knew by heart what he would say.
“Why did you not save me?”
The logical part of Shuri knew that there had been no hope to save Peter Parker after he had used the Infinity Stones. Just like everyone else who had seen the damage done to him, she knew that. She knew that, she knew that, she knew that and yet the emotional part of her could not help but to wonder what could have been had she tried. What if she could have saved his life...
Peter Parker died, with those words on his lips, eye fixed solely on her, just as he always did.
And then those words echoed from all around her, becoming louder and louder with every passing second until every other sound had been drowned out by those words.
“WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME? WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME? WHY DID YOU NOT SAVE ME?”
Shuri fell to her knees, her hands covering her ears in a desperate attempt to silence those words, even though she knew it not to work... It never did.
And why should it work? She hadn't been able to save him, he was dead and it was her fault. She had frozen, like all the others, she hadn't done anything, hadn't even tried to save him, had just watched him saving them all and in doing so throwing away his own life. If only she had done something, anything maybe then...
With a gasp Shuri woke up and for a second, just for a second, she thought everything had been a dream, that Peter was still alive and that she could contact him with her cell phone, as they had done so many times before. She thought, just for a second, how grateful she was for the fact that what she had just experienced, had only been a dream and not reality and how bright their future was with Peter in it.
And then reality hit and reality had a strong right hook.
It felt as though everything came flooding back all at once, without even granting her a moment to come to terms with everything. She knew that everything that was coming back to her was, in theory, nothing new to her, she had lived with that knowledge for 912.5 days so it really should not be such a shook to her and yet it happened every once in a while, that she forgot Peter was dead right after waking up, usually from a nightmare and even though she should be used to that by now it had not gotten any easier and she knew that she would most likely never get used to it.
Every time she woke up and thought that Peter was still alive she felt so relived only for her to then realize that he was, in fact, very much dead. Every time that happened it was as though he had died a second time all over again.
She knew that she could not get back to sleep, not after a dream like this one and so she didn't even try. She got up and, after a quick look at her bedside clock, decided that she would go and get some fresh air.
And so it happened, that at 3:33AM the princess of Wakanda could be seen leaving the palace and the city all together. She just needed space and while she loved her city, at times like this it did not offer the space she needed and so she headed out to the surrounding fields, the same fields she would visit after her father's death, once things had been resolved and she just needed a minute.
That had helped then so hopefully it also would now.
Looking up at the stars and the moon she felt the sudden need to talk and so she did just that.
“Hey Pete, it has now been exactly 2 years since you passed... It's crazy, how fast time passes, isn't it? It doesn't really feel like two years, though. I know it has been two years, I know that but just because I know that doesn't mean that it has to feel like it is true... It's funny, sometimes I wake up and I am so sure that you are still alive, that all of what happened was just a very bad dream and then I remember that it really happened and I could scream at the universe for talking your life before you even really had the chance to live it. I hate it, hate how unfair it all is, I want to hate the universe, but how could I hate the universe knowing that you died to give this universe another chance? How could I hate something you died protecting?”
Shuri had thought about that predicament a lot and had come to the conclusion that she could not hate the universe but oh, how she wished she could.
For a while she just stood there before she continued talking.
“Why did you have to do it? Why did it have to be you to do it? Someone else could have done it, anyone else really. There had been so many superheroes and yet you, out of everyone there, did what needed to be done. I just don't understand why nobody else had thought of it before you had the idea. I don't understand why... I didn't have the idea. It never once had crossed my mind and yet I am sure you always had the idea in the back of your mind and only acted on it once it was evident that otherwise we would lose. We still lost, just in a different way... What were you thinking about before you snapped? Did you think of anything at all, other than beating Thanos? I know with that brain of yours, there must have been at least a million thoughts going on in there, but I guess I will never know for sure. I do know, that your death was not really peaceful though, but I guess the second you became Spider-Man you never expected to die a peaceful and painless death, laying in a bed, surrounded by your family and maybe close friends after having lived a long and fulfilling life. That is very rarely in the cards for those individuals who have become superheroes because most will die in their suit, just like you did. I really hoped you would get to live a little longer, but deep down I knew that you would most likely die young and that you knew that too. I hope you don't regret the decision you made on that battlefield and I hope that you, overall were happy with the life you lived, because I know that you have had every right to be content with the way you spent your life. I just wish you had had more time. Just a little more time, maybe to graduate and experience university and awe the world with your intelligence and maybe start a family and just do the things most people consider to be completely normal and a part of their life...
At least you are not going to be be alone, if there is something to be called an afterlife. I know what my people believe and when my papa died the idea that he would be with our ancestors has brought me comfort and even though I know that you didn't grow up with my culture and never had a lot to do with it I think that my papa would be more than happy to welcome you in our afterlife and I can't imagine anyone having an issue with it, seeing as you saved the universe.
But I also know that you have lost more than your fair share of people in your life and, if there is an afterlife, they will be the first ones to welcome you to it. But if you ever have the opportunity to go and meet my papa, please take it... It is funny, actually. In my culture we believe in something called the ancestral plane, where you supposedly go after you are through with this life and that is, according to my culture, where my papa is now. After he had died I really wished that I could believe in that the same way everyone around me seemed to be able to but I just... couldn't. I never really did believe in that and for most of the time I was alright with that but once he wasn't with us anymore I saw the peace that brought first-hand and I desperately wished for that peace to also reach me but it didn't, at least not in the way it had reached everyone else. I found my peace eventually, don't get me wrong, but it was a different kind of peace but that was alright, because it was mine and mine alone. It has been tow years now, since the 'Battle of Earth', that's what people are calling it now, and I still wake up from nightmares of that battle and seeing you die. Seeing your life end so suddenly, after we all had just come back from being gone for five years, that... That shook me to my core because I always thought our friend group would end up revolutionizing the world together. You, MJ, Ned, Harley and me...
You know I never had any friends. And that can't be attributed to me being the princess, my parents always tried to get me to interact with people my age but I always found it exhausting. I had to dumb down everything that truly caught my interest and the others didn't even care about any of it,so at the age of nine years I had decided that I didn't need any friends. I had my brother, my parents and the people at the palace and I was fine with that, it certainly was better than hanging out with people who didn't share any of my interests. I believed that I was fine and I was, but only because I had no idea what I was missing. And then I met you and you introduced me to your friends and suddenly I knew why my parents and my brother and the Doras were worried about me, I knew because with our friendship and being a part of a friend group I realized what I have been missing out on and I loved it. I think that our friendship was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and I am thankful that you and your friends just let me into your group, no questions asked.
I still have contact with MJ, Ned and Harley. It is difficult for us to meet in person, so we mostly chat or facetime or something along those lines but we have agreed that we would meet in person every year on your birthday, to celebrate the fact that you have been alive, though most of the time we just cry and tell funny stories about you. If anything, I think that your death brought us even closer together and I know that you would have just loved that. Even in your death you unite people. And I am not only talking about our friend group, the whole world managed to come together after your death and quite a few things are looking so much better because of that, because of you. I still wish you were still alive and I know that everyone who knew you feels the same way.
I hope you know that you were an amazing friend and that I am going to miss you until the day I die.”
It was the seventh of August and in three days time Peter would have celebrated his birthday were he sill alive.
But he wasn't alive anymore and Shuri wanted to scream at the world, at anyone who would listen, how they dared take away the first real friend she had ever had. She wanted to scream and rage at everyone who would send her yet another pitying look, when they thought she wasn't seeing them. It was infuriating because with every look Shuri was, yet again, reminded of the fact that one of her best friends had died and that she hadn't been able to help him.
With is birthday only three days away she had finally decided to ask her mother if her friends could come and visit her, so that they wouldn't be alone and miserable on that day. Sure they would still be miserable but at least they would be together. They had talked for a long time where they should meet and after some back and forth had decided on Wakanda.
Harley just wanted to get away from Rose Hill and they had never actually considered meeting at Harley's place because Harley didn't really feel comfortable with meeting at his place and that was reason enough. Ned and MJ both lived in New York City and ever since Peter had died Now York City had become the hot-spot for all things Spider-Man related, but most of all Memorials, from little shrines the Now Yorkers had build themselves to huge graffitis of Peter as Spider-Man or, in some rare cases, of just Peter. Whatever you could possibly do to honour the saviour of the universe, New York had done it. Usually that was fine but on Peter's birthday they knew that that would be to much. So the only place that remained, was Wakanda and Shuri had no problem with having her friends in her home to mourn their friend on his birthday.
She had yet to ask her mother and that was exactly what she was about to do right now, she had procrastinated doing so long enough.
Today was Wednesday and they had all appointed Wednesdays to be their family dinner days, because life for all of them, was rather hectic and they did not spend as much time as a family as they would have liked because of that. T'Challa was the king and after the catastrophe that had been Thanos and the returning of half of the universe he had not really had a moment were he could just be for a second and the same could be said for the other members of their family. Ramonda was busy helping her son in every way she possibly could and the same went for Nakia. Shuri's situation was different for obvious reasons but she had done some research regarding the new scientific discoveries that had been made in the five years she had been gone and a few managed to catch her interest and provide some form of distraction from the fact that Peter was dead only for it to then come crashing down on her like a tsunami. The nearer his birthday grew, the worse it got but Shuri had hope that, with the arrival of her friends, it could get a little more manageable.
The dinner was going well, with everyone talking and enjoying themselves, without mentioning any of the numerous problems the world was facing and it was... nice, for lack of a better word.
Shuri didn't participate much in the conversation but as dinner was drawing to a close she knew she had to bring up what had been on her mind for some time now and so she put her cutlery down, took a breath and spook up.
“Mother, could my friends come to visit me? They have already brought it up with their parents and they all have given their okay.”
At that Shuri's mother also put her cutlery down and looked at her daughter. There was silence for a few seconds before Ramonda had apparently found an answer.
“Shuri, you know that right now is not a good time for social visits of any kind and that would include your friends. We have a lot to do at the moment and I do not feel comfortable with hosting three teenagers here when we will hardly have any time for them. Maybe later, once things have calmed down.”
“Later is too late! Mother, today is the seventh of August and in three days time it is going to be the tenth of August.”
“I am well aware of what day it is today and what date we will have in three days time.”
“You might be aware of what date it is going to be in three days time but apparently you don't know the meaning that date has for me and my friends. The meaning that date should have for the world. The meaning that date has for the world. It would have been Peter's 17thenth birthday and we know that we are going to be miserable because he will be forever 16 but we would at least like to be miserable together. New York City is not happening, at least not yet and Harley wants to get away from Rose Hill for a while and their parents have given them their okay for them to come and spend that time with me here in Wakanda and... We just don't want to be alone for that. It is hard enough on a normal day but on his birthday... Please, we just want to have each other to hold onto and to remind ourselves that we are not alone in our grief. Please, we need that.”
After that it was quite for a time until Shuri's mother stood up, went to her daughter and took her in her arms while saying “Of course your friends can come for that.” and something in Shuri just broke.
The next thing she knew she was holding onto her mother for dear life while sobbing like there was no tomorrow.
Vaguely she was aware of two other sets of arms enveloping her and her mother and she knew that it was her brother and Nakia but she couldn't really pay close attention to it because all the emotions she had buried, came crashing through the surface now.
And so she just let them out, in the safety of her family.
Shuri had no memory of how she got in her bed last night but somehow she had gotten in her bed because she was now waking up in her bed because someone was knocking at her door. From the pattern Shuri was pretty sure that it was her brother and the suspicion proved to be true after he had entered the room, closing the door behinde him.
Shuri was a bit confused why exactly T'Challa had woken her up but he usually had a reason for doing what he did.
“Your friends are due to arrive here in an hour. I send one of our jets to pick them up.”
Shuri was flabbergasted but at the same time not all that surprised after what had happened yesterday. She was also surprised that her brother hadn't asked her y-
“How are you doing after yesterday? Can I help you in any way, sister?”
Yep, there it was.
“Honestly I think I need to see my friends and talk with them face to face more than anything else. I think that that is going to help me.”
“But if you need help-”
“I will come to you brother, promise. Even tough you are busy with being the king.”
“I might be busy being the king but I could never be too busy for my favourite little sister.”
True to T'Challa's words, Shuri's friends arrived and hour later.
Shuri stood on the landing terrace and watched the jet land, then the door opened and she saw MJ followed by Ned and Harley exit the jet and suddenly everything else fell away. The only important thing was the fact that her friends were here and she wouldn't be alone in her grief anymore. Of course her mother and brother grieved the death of Peter, just as about every other living being did, but it was not the same. Shuri grieved a friend, the first friend she had ever had, while the rest of them grieved the saviour of the universe as they knew it. Her mother and brother grieved him in a way similar to her, because she had talked about him and a lot and they had also met him on a few occasions, but he hadn't been their first friend.
MJ, Ned and Harley just took one look at Shuri's face and her puffy eyes before they enveloped her in a group hug and in that moment, surrounded by her friends who felt the same grief she felt, Shuri knew that they were going to be okay. Not tomorrow or anytime soon, but eventually.
And so she stood there with her eyes closed and hugged her friends back.
They remained like that for a long time.
Shuri had no idea how long she just stood in the middle of the field, starring up at the sky and taking in everything that was.
Some time later she heard footsteps approaching her, which came to a stop right next to her. A quick look told her that her brother had decided to join her and so, they just stood there, side by side witnessing the world slowly waking up and getting ready for a new day.
And suddenly words started to tumble out of her mouth and she couldn't stop them from coming and so, she simply didn't.
And her brother just listened.
“You know that Peter was the first friend I had who was actually my age and I thought that we would revolutionize the world together. I mean I am already the head of our science department here and I am pretty sure that Stark would have appointed Peter his successor for Stark Industries and I loved to imagine what we could achieve together, could you imagine? That future, for me, was set in stone and there was nothing that could possibly change that. And then he introduced me to his other friends and suddenly I had even more friends my age and I really enjoyed it. I never thought I would back when I had no friends my age but I also didn't now what I was missing out on, back then. I know that you and mother know that I love you and that you are my family and I would not change anything about that, but Peter and MJ and Ned and Harley, they became my family as well. A different kind of family, but family all the same and I knew that we would always remain close, I knew that we would all revolutionize the world in our chosen field and I knew that we would always be there for one another, no matter what. I never thought that one of us would die at just 16 years old. That never crossed my mind, but it should have. I knew that Peter was out and about as Spider-Man, I knew that people shot at him on his patrols and I knew that he has been hit by bullets before. But the very real threat to his life never once stopped him from going out as Spider-Man again and again and again, until he couldn't anymore...
Looking back on all the conversations we had, I think he always knew, or at the very least suspected, that he would not live all that long and so he just tried to make the most of every day he got...
You know there was one thing Peter used to say. He used to say that there are no happy endings, not really anyways. Because even if they lived “happily ever after” there is always going to be an end, because everything ends eventually and that made it sad... But he would always follow that thought with “So, just give me a happy beginning and a very happy middle.” and I like to think that he had a very happy middle, over all... I have to think that because if I don't think that way then I... I am just seconds away from losing my mind, from breaking down, from fucking giving up but I know that he would not have wanted me to give up and so I can't! I honour of his memory, of everything he stood for, I can't just give up... But it is so fucking hard. SO fucking hard. And sometimes I just wish that he was still here because if anyone deserved to be here, it's him. Life had thrown so much shit his way, again and again and again and he always just kept going, with a fucking smile on his face more often than not. He always got back up, even if he should have stayed down. He deserved so much more that what he had been given. I hope he knew that.”
While Shuri had been talking she hadn't realized that she had started crying but once she had said everything she had needed to get of her chest and just stood there she realized that tears were running down her face. It felt freeing, in a strange way.
Like her soul had just been deep-cleaned, and maybe it had been, maybe it had been.
Still crying, she turned to face her brother and just hugged him.
She held onto him and he held onto her and they just existed for a while, in the middle of a field, they just were for a while.
“I hope it will get easier for her... For everyone.”
“It will get easier for them, it will.”
“But when?”
“All in due time, all in due time.”