Work Text:
Piedmont, California
‘You’re not surprised, dad?’ Mr. Pines demanded, turning around.
‘Nope.’ Grandpa Shermie sat comfortably in his armchair. ‘Ma and I always knew something had happened to Ford. We just never knew what.’
‘You didn’t ever go and ask?’ Mabel asked.
‘Well...’ Grandpa Shermie pulled a face. ‘We considered it, but we also considered it too risky. Ford’s entire life was in that town; his research and his curiosities. If Pa ever found out, there was no way he’d leave Ford in Stan’s care. He’d separate them again, and likely even sell Ford’s house, and everything inside, so Stan couldn’t leech off him, as he put it.’
Dipper scowled. ‘Yeah. From what we heard, that sounds about right.’
Grandpa Shermie nodded.
‘Why do I feel like we’re missing a story?’ Mrs. Pines asked.
Grandpa Shermie nodded. ‘Stan and Ford were younger than me by about six years. They were twins and like Dipper and Mabel in a lot of ways. But you never met two more different little boys. Ford was academic and very good at school. Stan, on the other hand, was more athletic and barely scraped through each year. He usually only passed tests because he copied Ford. But it was the 70s. So Stan was labelled as “dumb”, and nobody even bothered looking for the ways in which he was smart.’
‘He loves his brother more than anything though,’ Mabel said.
‘Always has,’ Grandpa Shermie said, smiling at her. ‘But, one night when they were 18, there was some stupid mistake Stan made. I forget what it was.’
‘He accidentally broke Grunkle Ford’s project to get him into West Coast Tech and cost him the place there,’ Dipper supplied.
‘Right, it was that. Thank you, Dipper.’ Grandpa Shermie nodded. ‘Anyway, our Pa kicked Stan out.’
‘At 18?’ Mrs. Pines demanded.
‘At 18…technically seventeen. They turned 18 on June 15th.’
Mabel jumped up. ‘I knew it was somebody’s birthday!’
The old man chuckled. ‘Anyway, pa told him that he could only come back after he made a fortune for the family.’ Grandpa Shermie scowled. ‘After that he wouldn’t shut up about how much of a leech Stan was, about how he was worthless, and he did us all a favour getting rid of him.’
‘That’s why grandma and grandpa never babysat me as a kid, isn’t it?’ Mr. Pines asked. ‘You didn’t trust them after that happened.’
‘Would you?’
‘No.’
Grandpa Shermie nodded. ‘So we lost track of poor Stan for ten years. I tried to find him but...Well, in the meantime, Ford earned himself 12 PhDs – ahead of schedule – and became a scientist. He initially went to Gravity Falls because Ford was a polydactyl – six fingers – and he was fascinated by other anomalies just like him. He found that the town had more anomalies than anywhere so he got a research grant to go study them. It was fine, at first, he checked in enough to satisfy ma and seemed excited about what he was doing. Then...a few years in, his...tone started to change. The calls became more and more infrequent. His voice became...strange. His handwriting devolved into a scrawl.’
‘Like he was growing paranoid,’ Dipper suggested.
‘Exactly like that,’ Grandpa Shermie said. ‘Pa brushed it off. Ma and I were both worried though. I was just about to head down to Gravity Falls to check myself when ma called him...and Stanley answered the phone instead.’
‘That must’ve been the night it happened!’ Mabel jumped up.
‘The night Uncle Ford dropped into a coma?’ Mr. Pines asked.
‘Yeah,’ Dipper said. ‘Apparently, he sent Grunkle Stan a postcard that just said “please come” and Grunkle Stan came down. Grunkle Ford was so paranoid he greeted his brother at the door with a weapon and demanded to know if he was there to steal his eyes.’
‘Steal his eyes?’ Mrs. Pines asked. ‘Was there some sort of hallucinogen in the area?’
‘There must’ve been,’ Grandpa Shermie said. ‘Ford was studying everything and he wasn’t always careful with safety procedures.’ He looked back at them. ‘Did they tell you what happened then?’
‘Yeah,’ Dipper said. ‘Once he realised it was Grunkle Stan, he shone a light in his eyes and then started rambling about living gnomes and zombies and interdimensional portals. Grunkle Stan tried to calm him down but then he got violent and they ended up fighting until Grunkle Ford passed out.’
‘He had a lab underneath the house and tried to crawl down to it several times when he regained consciousness,’ Mabel said. ‘But, you know, Grunkle Stan had been around the block a few times. He figured that there was some drug or drug-like substance down there that was causing it.’
‘And he wasn’t taking it on purpose?’ Mrs. Pines asked.
‘Certainly not. Ford might accidentally inhale something like that, but he’d never intentionally ingest it.’ Grandpa Shermie looked thoughtful. ‘Ma said Stan sounded upset and confused when he answered the phone that night. If he’d just found out Ford was hooked on something and had to fight him down, that would answer it. He likely hadn’t fully worked out what was going on and what he was going to do about it.’
‘So what did he do?’ Mrs. Pines asked.
‘Well, Grunkle Ford developed a fever,’ Mabel said, ‘so he sat by him and nursed him through it.’
Withdrawal, all the adults in the room thought.
Mabel went on. ‘And then he found a gas mask and went into the lab to find the stuff. He eventually did and he put it away so the fumes couldn’t escape it. Even so we weren't allowed down into the lab over the Summer.’
Just as well.
‘He eventually found someone to take it away and find out why it was affecting Grunkle Ford the way it was.’
‘In the meantime, Grunkle Ford wasn’t really getting better,’ Dipper said. ‘Apparently, he spent a few weeks in the hospital, but they had to send him home. Meanwhile, Grunkle Stan realised there were bills to pay, so he turned the place into the Mystery Shack and made it into the overpriced tourist trap it is today.’
Grandpa Shermie smirked. ‘So, in other words, the so-called leech was the one making all the money.’
‘Well, Grunkle Ford was in no state to be doing anything,’ Dipper pointed out. ‘He wasn’t lucid an awful lot and didn’t seem aware of what was going on around him, despite the fact that his brother would come in and look after him every day. That included propping him up in a chair by the window.’
Grandpa Shermie nodded. ‘Then I suppose ma and I made the right choice. Pa would have just chucked him in one of those sanatorium places. At least with Stan, he was actually looked after and he actually got better.’
‘Yeah, it took him 30 years and till nearly the end of the summer but he did come back,’ Mabel said.
‘His last clear memory was sending that post card to Grunkle Stan cause he felt like his mind was turning on him and apparently his “leech”,’ there was heavy scorn in Dipper’s tone, ‘of a estranged twin brother was his first instinct.’
‘I don’t know why he was so surprised at everything Grunkle Stan did for him,’ Mabel remarked.
‘Ah.’ Grandpa Shermie smiled sadly. ‘If you hear something enough times, even if it’s untrue, you tend to start to believe it. Where are they now?’
‘Oh, they went travelling,’ Dipper said. ‘The doctors said sea air and exercise might help flush out the rest of that stuff from Grunkle Ford’s system.’
Mabel perked up. ‘They said we can join them next summer if we like.’
‘Well, we’ll discuss that.’ Mrs. Pines smiled indulgently. ‘What was that stuff anyway?’
‘Oh, they were very hush-hush about it,’ Dipper said. ‘Apparently, the drug regulation guys don’t want it getting out that this stuff exists. And parts of the woods were combed for the stuff, so they’re trying to remove it. That’s also why Grunkle Ford’s stay in the hospital doesn’t officially exist.’
And every adult in the room could understand that.
***
‘Oh, well,’ Stan told him over the phone when Shermie called up to ask some clarifying questions that Dipper and Mabel were unlikely to know the answers to – being children and all. ‘Yeah, my criminal record did give us some trouble but Ford’s done a bit of work for the government and he’s pretty respected up there. At the same time, they didn’t want to have to worry about looking after him.’
Shermie also didn’t want to tell his son and daughter-in-law they’d sent their children to a man convicted of felonies in at least three countries.
‘So, they pardoned you and ignored your obvious fraud business if you were the one looking after him?’ Shermie asked.
‘Less pardoned and more...well, looked the other way.’ Stan said like he was shrugging. ‘They didn’t have to spend money looking after him, and it kept me outta trouble – you know in the “not committing crimes” way. Turns out, running a tourist trap and hiking up the prices isn’t actually illegal.’
Shermie chuckled. ‘Might even be seen as necessary when you’re looking after your invalid twin brother.’
‘Shhh!’ Stan stage-whispered into the phone. ‘Ford will be very upset if he heard you called him invalid!’ He turned back to normal voice. ‘I mean, he’s asleep. But don’t let him hear you say that.’
‘Yeah.’ Shermie smiled. It was nice to be talking to his brother as “Stan” for the first time in 40 years. He’d developed the habit of pretending to be Ford on the phone – likely something he’d been coached to do to cover up what’d happened to the real Ford. That was probably also why Stan’s death had been faked. Stan ought to have gotten some sweet compensation for that. ‘You know, I wasn’t fooled for a minute.’
‘Huh?’ Stan asked.
‘I knew it was you the whole three decades, Stanley,’ Shermie said. ‘You don’t do a very good impression of Ford, to be honest.’
‘I can when I’m trying,’ Stan huffed with an air of offended dignity.
‘And you didn’t even change your nickname. Ma and I both knew it was you.’
Stan was silent for a moment. ‘Did...pa know?’
‘If pa knew, he’d have scooped Ford away from you before you could blink and sold the house, Stan,’ Shermie said.
Stan’s breath hissed through his teeth.
‘That’s exactly why we lied for you,’ Shermie said. ‘We knew you wouldn’t sleep well either way, but you’d sleep better if you could be there for him when he needed you.’
‘Thanks,’ Stan said softly.
‘You can thank me by hauling your asses down here for Christmas!’ Shermie retorted. ‘I haven’t seen either of you in four decades.’
Stan just laughed.
***
As soon as he hung up with Shermie, Stan checked they were still on course and then moved into the cabin. Ford snored softly on the top bunk. It was better than it could’ve been. His weeks and weeks of being paranoid about Bill in ’82 had left him with permanent insomnia, it seemed. So it was nice when he did lay down and actually go to sleep. Stan tugged the blanket up over him before crawling into the bottom bunk and closing his eyes. He smiled to himself.
The kids had done exactly as they’d been told.
They may not have understood all the implications of the cover story for the family, but it worked nicely to explain the current situation. Ford was a little huffy about it, but even he couldn’t come up with a better story. And if the family thought that it was a massive cover-up by the drug regulation government people, then they’d allow a lot of shit Stan had done as Ford to be brushed under the rug.
Also meant Stan didn’t have to explain himself to them.
And it was better than trying to explain what really happened.