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The first thing Nigel noticed about Adam Raki, the night they met on the deserted grass of their college campus, was his size. He was fucking tiny, so small that Nigel didn't believe that Adam was even out of high school until he flashed his student ID.
Electrical Engineering, he'd said. His voice was sweet and chipper, like a bird's.
Nigel had laughed, and Adam looked up at him with those blue eyes that looked huge in his pretty face. He'd been a goner from the start.
It was cute, in Nigel's eyes. At first. Adam was five-foot-eight, at the absolute most, and skinny as a twig. It made Nigel want to protect him, to wrap him up in his loving arms and shield Adam from the big bad world. He could tell just by looking at the kid that Nigel could pick him up with ease, and carry him anywhere. Or just hold him, haul Adam over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
Adam seemed to like Nigel's size, too, if the way he gazed up at Nigel when they met up between classes was any indicator. Seemed to like a lot of other things about Nigel, too. Sweet thing never missed an opportunity to meet up, whether it was to stargaze or study together, or just talk shit about their respective professors.
Until Nigel tried to ask him out on a proper date, that was.
"Dinner?" Adam had repeated. His hands immediately started fidgeting, half-hidden beneath the cuffs of his sweater.
"Yeah. I can take you Friday night, wherever you want to go."
But Adam shook his head, looking so panicked that Nigel felt guilty for even asking. "No, thank you."
That was it. Not even a half-assed excuse about being busy. Just a flat-out 'No'. At first Nigel had taken it as a pretty fucking obvious rejection, Adam not-so-gently letting him down. And it hurt like hell, but he still couldn't stop seeking Adam out.
When Adam shyly took his hand for the first time, Nigel tried again.
"You sure you don't want to go out sometime, beautiful?" he prodded, because he really couldn't help himself around Adam.
Adam's hand was freezing, even though it was late Spring by then. Adam was always cold, as far as Nigel could tell. Even now, he was shivering despite wearing another baggy sweatshirt in the middle of fucking May.
"To dinner?" Adam asked, licking his lips nervously.
Nigel smiled, running a thumb over Adam's knuckles. "Yeah, if you want."
And just like last time, his eyes got wide and he withdrew.
"Thank you, Nigel, but no."
And this time, Nigel understood the way Adam operated well enough to catch on. So he just shifted closer and said "A movie, then?"
Adam smiled, big and bright and so, so beautiful. "Yes, I'd like that."
The movies, then. The Natural History Museum the week after that. Coffee, though Adam ordered Matcha and turned his nose up at Nigel's espresso. "You should try it Turkish style," Nigel had told him, and Adam had nearly gagged. Stargazing, every night they could.
Not dinner, though. Never dinner. Even when Adam's birthday came around, he insisted on celebrating by driving to the beach instead.
Adam kissed him, that night. They'd built a tiny campfire on the sand, talking while the dark waves crashed nearby. Nigel had been watching Adam— how his features glowed in the firelight, his delicate fingers toying with the cuffs of his hoodie. He'd been about to ask why Adam hadn't wanted a birthday cake when Adam suddenly leaned close and caught his lips.
Their relationship bloomed from there, filled to bursting with romance and tenderness, and Nigel had never been happier. Still, it never stopped seeming odd to him that Adam refused to go out for a meal with him. He'd asked about it once, and all Adam had said was "I don't want to go to a restaurant."
It sat oddly with Nigel, though it took longer than it should have to pinpoint why. Partially because Adam usually wasn't so cagey, about anything. Partially because it made him realize that he'd actually *never* seen the other man eat anything before. Partially because of Adam's size, how fragile and small he looked despite being nearly twenty.
He chalked it up to protectiveness, for a while. The ghost of his Bunica, grabbing Nigel by the ear and screaming for him to give the poor child something to eat before he wasted away. Of course he wanted to make sure Adam was eating his fill, he loved Adam. The idea of his boyfriend going hungry was fucking unacceptable.
It didn't click for him until that Summer, though.
He was in Adam's bed for the first time. Lord knows Nigel had fucking tried to get in it sooner, but his boyfriend was adorably and infurriatingly shy. It didn't matter, they were there now.
Nigel was impatient undressing him, peeling back his layers like a man possessed. Fucking August, and Adam was still covering every inch of skin he could.
Seeing Adam naked for the first time knocked the fucking breath from his lungs. For a lot of fucking reasons, some much nicer than others. He was beautiful, of course. Most beautiful creature Nigel had ever laid eyes on.
He was also skin and fucking bones. Nigel had known, naturally, that Adam was skinny. Light as a feather, too. Seeing it was a different experience. Nigel understood, with sudden, blinding clarity, why his boyfriend was always so cold. Why he always bundled up and curled close to Nigel's warmth. Nigel reached, his fingers trembling, and traced Adam's ribs, visible through his skin.
Adam— angelic, perfect fucking Adam— just flinched slightly, giggling a bit. "That tickles," he'd said, then he seemed to notice Nigel's face. "Is everything okay, Ni?"
Nigel shook himself, forced himself to remember where he was and who he was with. Rather than answering with words, he simply took Adam's face in his hands and kissed him breathless.
It haunted him the whole night through, though. Curled up in the bed of Adam's tiny one-bedroom apartment, Nigel stared at the delicate body sleeping in his arms. Adam's head was on his chest, raven curls spilling over Nigel's pectorals. Nigel took Adam's hand, observing his slender wrist. Adam's limbs seemed brittle enough to snap, to him. Hollow, like a bird's.
Nigel barely slept, his thoughts filled with his lovely Adam, suffering in silence. The memories of every time Adam had rejected a dinner invitation rose in his throat like bile, he felt sick with grief.
Adam hummed in his sleep, gently tugging his arm out of Nigel's grasp as he shifted positions. Nigel relented, letting it fall away.
The next morning, Nigel stood in Adam's kitchen. The younger man was wearing Nigel's black T-shirt as he set a pot on the stove for tea. It was a form-fitting shirt, when Nigel wore it. On Adam it hung loosely around his small frame. It made Nigel want to cry. He'd never loved a person like this, he couldn't ignore it.
"Hey."
"Hmm?"
Adam seemed incandescently happy, rummaging through his tea shelf as he considered which flavor he wanted. Nigel suspected that the tea cupboard was the best-stocked part of Adam's kitchen.
Nigel couldn't resist him. He crossed the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Adam's waist. Adam smiled, pressing his spine to Nigel's chest and covering Nigel's hands on his flat stomach with his own. Nigel ducked down, kissed Adam's neck.
"Let me take you out for breakfast," he murmured, kissing him again immediately after.
Adam melted into the affection, but still he said "No, thank you."
Not this time, Raki. "Come on, I'll take you wherever you want," he insisted, nuzzling Adam's throat. "You want pancakes? Omelets? I know this place that makes quiche that's so good, you'll want to serenade a fucking deaf girl, if—"
"I'm not hungry, Nigel," he interrupted, a bit more firmly. "And I wouldn't sing to anyone, let alone a deaf woman."
"Not even me?" he teased, and moved to nip at Adam's ear lobe. "I don't know, gorgeous. You were making some fucking music last night, if I recall."
Adam let out a breathy chuckle, lax and happy. Nigel sighed.
"...Please, beautiful? For me?"
The abrupt loss of Adam in his arms made Nigel want to clutch at him, but he just watched Adam pull away.
"I already told you, I'm not hungry."
"Adam."
Nigel hadn't expected the word to come out so strong, but it had. It stopped Adam in his tracks, but he was still turned away.
Gently, gently, Nigel took Adam by the shoulders and spun him. He took Adam's face in both of his hands, kissing him once before running the pads of his thumbs along the younger man's cheeks. He waited patiently for Adam to look him in the face before saying more.
"You can talk to me about anything. You know that, don't you? I love you. I'm here."
Adam's mouth twisted, his eyes flicking down to Nigel's bare chest. "I love you too," he muttered after a moment.
He stepped away again, carving a space between them, and for a moment Nigel thought that he wouldn't say more.
"...I have a condition called Avoidant-Restrictive Food Intake Disorder," he said after a while. Softly, his arms crossed defensively across his chest. "Or 'ARFID', for short."
Adam swallowed hard, his throat working as he made a point of looking toward the empty hallway. He started to rub his upper arms anxiously, and Nigel ached to hold him. But Adam clearly wanted space. He'd give him that. He'd give him fucking anything.
"At first, it was just part of my Autism. Certain foods had textures, flavors, scents that I couldn't handle. They made me sick." Adam gagged, slightly, just at the thought of it, then pushed onward. "I stuck to my Safe Foods, and I took vitamin supplements to make up for anything I was missing. It was inconvenient, especially in social settings, but it was manageable."
A dark shadow seemed to pass over Adam's face. "Then my dad died, and my eating habits started getting worse." He sniffed, blinking hard. His eyes were turning wet. Nigel's hands twitched with protective need. "My Safe Foods just didn't feel... *safe,* anymore. That's when it progressed into ARFID. I don't want to eat. It makes me anxious. Some days I can force myself, some days I vomit if I try."
A rogue tear rolled down Adam's pale face, and Nigel's will broke. He closed the space between Adam and himself, gathering him into a tight hug. Adam hugged him back, his willowy arms clinging to him like vines.
"I'm gonna help you," Nigel said. Again, he was shocked by the resolve in his own voice. He was also shocked to find that it had become thick with tears.
Adam sobbed softly, face hidden in Nigel's chest. Nigel reached up to pet his hair.
"I— I mean it, baby. Whatever you need, I'll make it happen, okay? I'll help you find a therapist. A good one, a specialist." Nigel's lip was wobbling. Adam's hold on him squeezed tighter still. "And if your old Safe Foods aren't working for you anymore, I'll help you find some new ones. I mean, Christ, Adam, there's a whole world out there, there's gotta be something you can stomach."
Adam let out a weepy laugh at that, and it made Nigel breathe a slight sigh of relief. "You and me, we're gonna be fine, baby," he whispered, kissing Adam's still sleep-mussed curls. "You don't need to do it by yourself, not anymore. I've got your fucking back."
Their embrace was cut short, then, by the high whistling of the tea kettle. Nigel pulled back, leaning over to open the cupboard. "Earl Grey?" he asked, clearing his throat to dislodge the great lump there.
Adam sniffed sharply, scrubbing the tears from his face with his palms. "Um, English Breakfast, please."
Nigel managed a fond smile as he grabbed the box. "Your favorite."
The younger man nodded, watching as Nigel plucked a clean yellow mug from the drying rack near Adam's sink.
"...So you're not leaving?"
Nigel froze. Adam's voice was small, too fucking small. He sounded scared. "Leaving? No, baby, why would I leave?"
Adam shrugged, fiddling with the hem of his borrowed T-Shirt. "When we first started dating, I didn't want to tell you about my ARFID. I was scared you wouldn't want to be with me, if you knew that I had an..." He trailed off, the two words he didn't want to say taking up every inch of space in the kitchen. "If you knew that I was sick," he amended awkwardly a moment later.
The painful twist of his heart made Nigel wince. "Baby," he sighed, and moved to kiss Adam again. "I fucking love you, Adam. Okay? And that's not something I say fucking lightly. I really do. All I care about right now is making sure you're healthy and happy."
"You do make me happy, Ni."
Nigel smiled at him, pressing another kiss to his boyfriend's forehead. "That's a good start, then. Halfway there."
And Adam smiled back, his teary eyes even bluer than usual. "Halfway there."